6 The Davidsonian Wednesday, September 3, 2008

episode 1: the final frontier

Nike Indonesia
internship not
what student had
in mind
See page 8

Do you
It’s just barbeque sauce. I want to make out... The Davidsonian
guesstimate or September 3, 2008

estimate? After “That Thing in Beijing,” Scientists Apologize for Research that Led
See page 12 Phelps and Fellow Olympians to Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Ian Wilmut and Keith
Return to Real Jobs at Home Depot
research. One study estimates that
Campbell, the two Scottish more than 25 million people have
scientists who cloned Dolly the been tormented by “Star Wars:
sheep from an adult somatic cell in Episode II – Attack of the Clones,
1996, have issued a formal apology though Wilmut considers that a
for their research. Writing from conservative number.
the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh,
Wilmut said, “Little did we know
then that by transferring the nucleus
of a mammary cell to an unfertilized
oocyte and infusing that hybrid with
an electric shock, we would create
the most devastating cinematic
travesty of our time.”
Cortesy Photo In early 2002 George Lucas,
an American movie director and
producer, got wind of the cloning
secret, and it was only a matter Despite all the accords and
Tuition free with of time before the dangerous treaties that have been signed
knowledge fell into the hands of to prevent another Episode II,
proof of textbook Darth Maul and Count Dooku. Campbell thinks a cloning movie
The two employed it for their may happen again. “The secret is
purchase own wicked ends in the intergalactic out there. The North Koreans are
See page 6 civil war that destroyed the planet developing scripts, and we know
of Naboo and left thousands of the Iranians have something in
audiences traumatized by the the works. In fact, in some Los
stupidity they had just witnessed. Angeles studio there’s allegedly
Not since Oppenheimer surveyed thirty pages of dialogue written
Hiroshima and Nagasaki have for Arnold Schwarzenegger and
scientists so fully comprehended Danny DeVito that could obliterate
Outpost prices Courtesy Photo the devastating effects of their American cinema forever.”
negate students’
Opinions: Parties, that’s what’s up.
Michael Phelps is genetically engineered to upholster your love seat.

ability to graduate For the last half-century the

Home Depot Center has set the
debt-free standard for Olympic achievement.
Jesse Owens, Carl Lewis and
See page 7 that one fencer who accidentally
killed his semifinal opponent
were all at one time employeed
Davidsonian has by America’s foremost suburban
issues renovation emporium. But during
the Olympics, manpower is often
See page 2 lacking.
“Considering 75 to 80 percent
of our employees participated in the
Beijing Olympics, we experienced
a bit of a customer service drought
this past summer,” commented
“At 6 feet 4 inches,
Your Davidson Honor Section
Michael Phelps is
- 195 pounds of pure
Editors:
home despotism.”
Dan Killian
Alex Hoyt
Home Depot Southeastern Regional
Manager Timothy Laukins.
“But Phelps has once again
We back.
made it rain in our building, not
literally of course as we use a
combination of sheeted aluminum
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supple- and precast concrete on all our
ment to The Davidsonian. Hence,
roofs, but order has been restored to
nothing in it should be taken as
truth. Word. the tubs and whirlpools sections.”
And that’s not all he’s done
for the company that grossed
$324 million in sales last quarter.
Two weeks ago, when bitter co-
worker Mark Spitz turned on the
display toilets, Phelps was on hand
to reroute the entire plumbing
system.
Davey Stelkins from
chandeliers and lamps commented
on Phelps’ abilities. “I call him
‘Moses Phelps,’ the way he
controlled that water for all of us.
Truly an American hero.”
In May 2005 he set a Home
Depot Headquarters and American Courtesy Photo Courtesy Photo
Record for fitting an entire dining
room with crown molding, eclipsing “If a party doesn’t have a 3:1 “If a party doesn’t have a 3:1
the old record by one-hundredth of girl-to-guy ratio, then it isn’t a guy-to-girl ratio, then it isn’t a
a second. party. Or the girls are already in party. Or the girls are already in
Most memorably, Phelps and my room.” that guy’s room.”
three recent hires took down a
Lowe’s team of Soviet mercenaries
in the 100-meter Driveway Student Sore After Davidson
Individual Medley (cement,
concrete, and masonry). At the Kalamazoo Center for
An analyst at the Home Depot Chronic Skeletal Damage Inflicted
by Unnecessary Undergraduate
Productivity Center analyzed
Phelps body type and reported that Academic Stress (KCCSDIUUA),
“God himself could not have created Brendan Parrots was reported to be
a better physique for working in in sore-as-hell condition.
Vinyl and Resilient Flooring.” “To be honest, his spine
looked like a slinky whose owner
The aquatically inclined 23-
year-old icon has exemplified the hadn’t read the manual on proper
spirit of Home Depot to such an care,” said spinal technician David
extent that the company has added Felgendreher.
a new verb to its corporate lexicon. As he was being fed Gerber
To “Phelp” is to be outrageously Prunes through an IV, he said, “After
Courtesy Photo
and incomprehensibly handy. A three years of JSTOR, Webtree and
new banner now hangs outside the A recent X-ray of Brendan Parrot’s the Humanities Program, I’m in
Atlanta Headquarters: “You can do back revealed sciatica, scoliosis, dire need of some Icy Hot and a
it, we can Phelp.” and a severe lumbar damage. year off.”