Why I Must Be King of Europe

I am the best choice to be King of Europe. And I'm not joshing with you, my dear reader. By now, if you still have not realized, the Europeansall 500,000,000 of them!have forfeited any responsible claim to be intelligent enough and inclined indeed to join in, in a spirit of fraternized, concerted effort, to attempt to salvage themselves from the brutal economic and political climate in which the world is now embroiled. Could there be promise to think that Europeans might be so bright as to enjoy their own company and progress to a higher quality of life for the benefit of themselves and those with whom they trade and communicate? Are they just too dense? Too snotty? Have they ensconced themselves in a shell of snobberythe sanctuary of those fully frustrated? I now step forward... You must understand that for millennia Europeans have been brained-washed into submitting themselves to some sort of overseer whether it be a pope, a bishop, a king, a queen, a prince, a princess, a dictator, a general, a padrone, an organized crime honcho, a mafia boss, a megalomaniac andeven in Italya Silvio Berlusconi! Just as sheep follow their shepherd or sheepdog, Europeans must have, at their beck and call, some authoritative figure to whom they donate their allegiance and blindfoldedly accept the guru's power to influence or command their thought, opinion and behavior. This obsequiousness is in the sinews of the European peoples, and without some magnificent nominal head to whom all Europeans might pay homage, there is slim possibility for Western Civilization I to integrate and join forces to, together, rescue itself from an eventual decline. It is for these reasons that I volunteer to be King of Europe. I want to deliver this undignified enormous division of land and its populace, on the globe, from undoing its very self. I want to unify 500,000,000 individuals so that they might constitute a force of progress, innovation and creationsomething even FB is not capable of effectuating. I would like to gift Europeans with the joy

of aspiration and extricate them from their mental depression, their never-ending hopelessness. I will endeavor to persuade them to stop wearing DEPRESSED STRESSED ELEGANTLY DRESSED and I CORRUPTION tee shirtsjust to begin. At this point, you probably are trying to understand why I think I am qualified to assume the role of King of Europe. Let me put your mind at rest. I was born in Brooklyn, New York. The father of my mother had been born in the Prussian part of France. His wife had been born in Ireland. The father and mother of my father had been born in the Old Soviet Union. If you draw a line from Ireland to France and then to the eastern part of the Confederation of Russia, you will see that my line of descent is overwhelmingly integrated. No Italian, no Frenchperson, no German, no Russian, no Irishperson...no member of the European Union enjoys such a diversity of cultures and groupings. (I also lived in Venezuela for almost seven years.) What is more, I have been a resident of Italy since 1 May 1983quite a considerable measure of time. While I am not a native-born Italianwithout any Italian bloodlineI am willing to contact the Italian Red Cross and ask them to infuse my circulation system with Italian stock. This procedure will further enhance my royal curriculum vitae. A line drawn from Ireland, to France, to Italy and then to eastern Russia, will enlarge my European family tree and give additional leverage to my pressing claim to ascend the European throne and rule over my European Kingdom for the benefit of the 500,000,000 European subjects who will pay homage to me and what I intend to accomplish for them. My first act as King of Europe will be to carve up my Kingdom into Quasi-Sovereign Body Politics. The Kingpins of these regions will prepare a Kingdom Report for me each month detailing the state of their domains as they regard the social, economic and political realities of their respective responsibilities. An annual Kingdom Assembly will be convoked. It is understood that the European condition is desperate. Good, Royal sense is the order of the day. If forces contrary to my wishes, for example, financial institutions, politicians and their bedfellows, journalists, pose a threat to the stability of the Kingdom, they will be post haste condemned to reflection cells for a timetrusting that they will alter their opinionsin the appropriate Royal Dungeons. (Anything is better than head choppings-off.) My Distinguished Subjects, I terminate this my appeal to assume

the throne and serve as King of Europe with this admonition: I leave it to you to decide whether or not I have the mettle and mental capacity to govern the people of the Kingdom of Europe; and, I assert that I am a sincere, honest, thrifty (no horses, no carriages, no missiles) individual with a sense of humor that helps other people enjoy themselves; further, it is my overwhelming desire to bring the Kingdom of Europe from being a cove for the propagation of malfeasance and injustice to being, for the world, a focal point of creation and progress. Your Royal Highness... ASJ the First Authored by ASJ 6 July MMXIII Calenzano, Italy * * *