The Three Leaders

THE THREE LEADERS By Simon Derrick (2002)
The Three Leaders

Synopsis
Thrown out by their wives after a drunken orgy at a brothel and left penniless following an unprecedented court ruling that suspended all their earnings for life, the three leaders of each of the main political parties of Great Britain were offered low cost government accommodation on the strict condition that they all lived together under the same roof. With little other choice, they agreed. Tony Grear is the Prime Minister and Leader of a left wing socialist party who likes to see himself as a charming, witty and highly intelligent man. However in reality, Tony is nothing more than a self-righteous, arrogant git who is hated by old ladies and has a spiraling debt problem. Brian Gilroy-Smith is the leader of the opposition benches and the increasingly unpopular rightwing conservative party. Brian (also known as Smithy) is a well spoken, reserved and obsessively tidy weakling who has the mental age of a twelve year old and a secret addiction to shoplifting and anything to do with Postman Pat. Charles Bellamy is the leader of a middle-of-the-road, inactive and highly laid back liberal party. Charles is a badly dressed, loud mouthed slob who is a bit of a compulsive gambler and rarely seen without clutching a king sized can of beer. Charles is openly into computer games and soft pornography. Mrs. Hemorrhoid is the Speaker of the House of Commons and just happens to also be the Land Lady of the Three Leaders underground flat. Mrs. Hemorrhoid is an extremely large and dominating old woman who is a past world heavyweight boxing champion and can be heard from ten miles away when she shouts. Together Tony, Charles and Brian make up The Three Leaders, possibly the unlikeliest collection of people ever to be found living under the same roof.
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SCENE 1: INT. GREASY SPOON CAFE. MORNING. LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION BRIAN GILROY SMITH IS SAT AT A TABLE ENJOYING A NICE PLATE OF EGG AND CHIPS. SUDDENLY, FROM NOWHERE, TWO IRRITATING CHILDREN APPROACH. THEY TOWER OVER BRIAN AND INTIMIDATE HIM WITH MENACING LOOKS AS HE SITS THERE NERVOUSLY BY HIMSELF. KID 1: Oi, slap ead! BRIAN LOOKS UP, A PIECE OF EGG DANGLING FROM HIS FORK. HE CAN SENSE TROUBLE AHEAD AND IS PETRIFIED. HIS FORK BEGINS TO SHAKE. FOR A FEW SECONDS HIS EYES ROLL FROM SIDE TO SIDE AS HE TRIES TO WORK OUT WHOM THEY COULD BE REFERRING TO AND WHETHER OR NOT HE SHOULD RESPOND. EVENTUALLY HE ANSWERS WITH A SHRUG OF THE SHOULDER. BRIAN: Yes? KID 1: Got any money for some chips? BRIAN: Im sorry, Im, Im a bit strapped for cash at the moment. Youll just have to go without.
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KID 2: Dont talk to us like that baldy or youll have my fist to deal with. Now give us all some money or Ill deck you. BRIAN: Look, Ive told you already, Im strapped for cash, Ive got no money on me at all. KID 1: Get him to turn out his pockets KID 2: Turn out your pockets. BRIAN: Why cant you just.... Kid 1: (SHOUTING) Turn out your pockets!! BRIAN: Okay, okay, Ill turn out my pockets. BRIAN GOES TO PUT HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS. AS SOON AS HE FUMBLES ABOUT FOR CHANGE, KID 1 REACHES TO GRAB A PILE BRIANS CHIPS AND THEN THROWS THEM ALL OVER HIS LAP. HE THEN TAKES ONE OF HIS FRIED EGGS AND RUBS IT INTO HIS FORE HEAD.
BRIAN: Now listen here chaps! KID 2: Oh yeah! You starting? BRIAN STANDS UP, CLEARLY ANNOYED, EGG DRIPPING DOWN HIS FACE. CUT TO:
SCENE 2: INT. HOUSE OF COMMONS. DAY. BRIAN IS ON HIS FEET IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEBATE. BRIAN: (WHINING LOUDLY LIKE A BABY) Why dont you all just go away and leave me alone in peace or Ill tell all of your mothers and make damn sure you all get a good hiding! BRIAN SUDDENLY REALISES EXACTLY WHERE HE IS. FOR A SECOND HE APPEARS TO ACTUALLY HAVE EGG ON HIS FACE, BUT A SECOND LATER HE DOESNT. HE SITS DOWN, EMBARRASSED. THERES A VERY LONG AND UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE. MRS SPEAKER: ORDER! ORDER!
SCENE 3: INT. KITCHEN. EVENING. CHARLES, TONY AND BRIAN HAVE JUST RETURNED FROM THE SUPERMARKET. THEIR BAGS ARE LOADED WITH MICROWAVE MEALS, TINS OF BEANS AND PIZZAS. BRIAN LOOKS MISERABLE. TONY IS GRINNING AS USUAL. CHARLES IMMEDIATELY WONDERS OFF INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH A CAN OF BEER LEAVING BRIAN AND TONY TO CHAT BY THEMSELVES IN THE KITCHEN. TONY: Lovely. Another hugely successful trip to the supermarket. Things just couldnt be better. BRIAN: Oh yes they could. Do you notice that I cant seem to walk into a supermarket these days without getting pelted with cauliflowers? It happens every week, I just dont understand it. TONY: Its all about sex appeal Brian, your trouble is you dont have any. BRIAN: Thats no reason for a hundred middle aged women to throw me in to a bottle bank.
TONY: Oh, youre just jealous Smithy. BRIAN: Jealous? TONY: Yes, jealous. Just because I managed to seduce a nice young lady to the point where she fainted in my arms. BRIAN: She was eighty-five. She had a stroke! TONY: But you have to admit, she found me attractive. BRIAN: She died! TONY: Yes, well that was a little extreme I thought, but I dont usually have that effect on women. Take the Assistant Supervisor for instance; she took a shining to me. BRIAN: No Tony, she took a marrow to your head and hit you with it forty times. I wouldnt call that erotic. TONY: Oh I wouldnt be so sure about that, you didnt see the way she hit me.
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BRIAN: I didnt need to, you were unconscious for half an hour. TONY: That was an accident, she apologised to me later. BRIAN: To the police. TONY: Will you stop trying to humiliate me Brian. That woman genuinely liked me, the marrow bashing merely turned her on. BRIAN: So why did she tell you to burn in hell? TONY: It was just her way of saying she loved me. BRIAN: Oh come off it Tony, she hated your guts, you could tell by the way she was spitting at you. TONY: Then how come she gave me her phone number and asked me to take her out for a meal? BRIAN: What? That didnt happen. Youre making it up.
TONY Am I? BRIAN: Yes. TONY: Explain this then. TONY HANDS OVER A PIECE OF PAPER TO BRIAN. BRIAN READS IT. BRIAN: Dear Sexy, I want to rub my hands all over your body and lick the grime from off of your.. BRIAN RAISES HIS EYEBROWS TONY: I know. Thats what I thought. BRIAN: Call me soon, lots of love Madam Sharon Boudoir LOOKS UP AT TONY I didnt know she was French. TONY: Shes not. Shes from Putney.
BRIAN: Are you sure shes not taking you for a ride? TONY: I think she was planning something along those lines as well. BRIAN: Hmm, something doesnt seem to be adding up here. TONY: I dont know what you mean. BRIAN: It all just seems a bit too... CHARLES: (V/O) Yeesssss! BRIAN AND TONY RUSH IN TO THE LIVING ROOM TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT. IN THE LIVING ROOM WE SEE THAT CHARLES IS STOOD PLAYING A NEW FRUIT MACHINE WHICH HE HAS JUST HAD INSTALLED. TONY: Whats going on Charles? CHARLES: Im four nudges away from the Mega-Money Jack pot. Its my lucky day.
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TONY: Where did you get that from? CHARLES: Its good isnt it? I got it out a catalogue. Cost me four hundred quid. Theres another five on the way. TONY: Another five fruit machines? Where are we going to put them all? CHARLES: Everywhere. I thought we could make a bit of money out of them. TONY: But theres only us three here Charles! CHARLES DISPLAYS A BLANK FACE CHARLES: Well we can just have a lot of fun playing them all then. Come on Tony, Itll be a laugh, youll love it! BRIAN: Excuse me, do I get a say in this matter? CHARLES: No, not really. BRIAN: But its my living room as well.
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CHARLES: Shut up Smithy. So Tony, what do you think? TONY: Oh all right then, but as long as you let me have a go now. CHARLES: Of course. Be my guest. TONY: Fantastic! BRIAN: (TO HIMSELF) Bunch of children.
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SCENE 4: EXT. A LONDON STREET. DREAM SEQUENCE. BRIAN IS BEING CHASED DOWN A COBBLED STREET BY A HUGE GANG OF VICTORIAN CHILDREN, COVERED IN SOOT AND BRANDISHING BROOM STICKS. BRIAN: Ahhhhhhhh!
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SCENE 5: INT. A BEDROOM. NIGHT BRIAN IS IN BED HAVING A NIGHTMARE. WE SEE HIM TOSSING AND TURNING CLEARLY IN SOME DISTRESS. THE LIGHTS ARE ON. BRIAN: Ahhhhhhhhh! What do you want with me you evil creatures? Leave me alone! Leave me alone! SUDDENLY A SANDWICH TOASTER COMES HURLING THROUGH THE AIR AND SMASHES STRAIGHT IN TO BRIANS HEAD. HE OPENS HIS EYES, SUBDUED BUT CONFUSED, NO LONGER YELLING. BRIAN: What was that? WE SEE CHARLES BELLAMY SAT UPRIGHT ON A BED ADJACENT TO BRIANS CHARLES: I just threw a sandwich toaster at you. BRIAN: (SUDDENLY IN PAIN) Ouch! Charlie you idiot, what did you go and do that for?
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CHARLES: Because you were making a din. Im trying to get some sleep here and its rather difficult with the likes of you screaming like a girl. BRIAN: Im sorry. I was having a bad dream. CHARLES: Well dont. TONY WANDERS IN DRESSED IN HIS SUPERMAN PAJAMAS TONY: Whats going on in here lads? All I can hear from next door is a constant shrieking noise and the sound of Charles getting very excited. CHARLES: (POINTING) Its Smithy here. Hes having nightmares again. TONY: Oh he hasnt wet the bed again has he? BRIAN: No Tony, Ive stopped that now. But it was a terrible dream, I dreamt that there was this big gang of hundreds of children and they were all covered in soot and running towards me with broomsticks. Ive never been so scared in all my life.
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THERES AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FOR A SECOND OR TWO AS TONY AND CHARLES JUST STARE AT BRIAN. TONY: Have you been smoking my ganja? BRIAN: No! It was just a dream. CHARLES: Theres something a bit odd about a person who has vivid dreams involving young sooty boys with big broomsticks. TONY: What are you implying Charles? CHARLES: I think Smithy fancies me. Ive suspected it now for weeks. BRIAN: Oh dont be ridiculous Charles. This dream had nothing to do with you. It was obviously a premonition. TONY I beg your pardon? BRIAN: I think I can predict the future.
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TONY: Brian, what are you talking about? BRIAN: It keeps happening to me. I have these disturbing dreams about being bullied by children and then a day later it all comes true. Im beginning to get very scared Tony. What if they all gang up and kill me? TONY: Are you sure youre not over reacting Smithy? BRIAN: Do I ever over react? TONY: Well you did once build a moat around your car for added security. BRIAN: I thought that was a good idea at the time. TONY: You couldnt drive it anywhere! BRIAN: Well thats not the point! The point is that Im going to be murdered by a stampede of screaming children and theres nothing that any one of us can do about it. CHARLES: You could drown yourself in a bucket of water.
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BRIAN: And how would that help me? CHARLES: It wouldnt, but at least wed be spared of listening to you bickering on all night long about absolutely nothing. BRIAN: Thanks for the support! CHARLES: Youre welcome. TONY: Anyway, Id better get back to my beauty sleep. I need to be up at the crack of dawn and I dont want to be looking like the back end of a donkey CHARLES: So youre getting that face-lift after all? TONY: No I am not getting a facelift! If you must know, Im planning a hot date with the lovely Sharon. CHARLES: You mean the bearded prostitute from Putney? BRIAN: You know her as well do you?
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CHARLES: Intimately. TONY: No he does not know her as well! Sharon is not one of Charless cheap hookers. CHARLES: She must be ripping you off then. TONY: Look, Im not going to stand for this nonsense any longer. Sharon is not a prostitute, she never has been a prostitute and I am not paying her any quantity of cash to prostitute herself to me tomorrow. Now if you dont mind, Im off to bed! BRIAN: Good night then Tony. TONY: Good night Brian. CHARLES: Oh, and Tony? TONY: Yes Charles?
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CHARLES: Sharon says to call her at around 9 AM tomorrow because shes working at Tescos from ten until five and you wont be able to contact her between then. TONY: Okay. [BEAT] Shut your face!
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SCENE 6: INT. BEDROOM. MORNING CHARLES IS FAST ASLEEP. IT IS ABOUT 11 IN THE MORNING AND DAYLIGHT IS STREAMING IN THROUGH THE NARROW SKY LIGHTS. THERE IS A FAINT SOUND OF BUSY FEET AS PEOPLE WALK ABOUT ON THE STREETS ABOVE THE ROOM. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE NOISE OF A DOOR CLOSING. CHARLES OPENS HIS EYES AND THEN LOOKS TOWARDS BRIAN. WE CUT TO BRIAN WHO WE SEE IS SAT UP IN BED READING A HUGE POSTMAN PAT BOOK. BRIAN: Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat... CHARLES: Brian? BRIAN: Early in the morning, just as the day is dawning.. CHARLES Brian! BRIAN He picks up all his postbags in his van... CHARLES: Have you quite finished?
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BRIAN LOOKS UP FROM BEHIND HIS BIG BOOK BRIAN: What? No, I havent started reading the book yet. Im still on the theme tune. CHARLES: Well dont bother anymore, theres a problem. BRIAN: Dont tell me, theres a big flood in Green Dale and Pat cant get across the valley. CHARLES GLARES AT BRIAN CHARLES: No! I meant theres a problem in the flat, not in your book, stupid. BRIAN: Oh right I see. Well thank you for telling me. Postman Pat, Postman Pat... CHARLES: Brian! BRIAN: What? Im trying to read here. CHARLES: Theres someone in our flat. I think were being burgled.
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BRIAN: Oh, thatll be Mrs Hemorrhoid the Land Lady, she comes every Saturday morning, just to check that everythings clean and tidy. CHARLES: Mrs Hemorrhoid? But I thought she only worked on week days. BRIAN: She does, but she also works on Weekends as well. CHARLES: So she works all the time then? BRIAN: No, only on weekdays CHARLES: And weekends? BRIAN: Youve got it! BRIAN RESUMES READING HIS BOOK. CHARLES APPEARS TO BE A BIT CONFUSED. CHARLES: You never quite finished school in the end did you Brian?
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BRIAN: No CHARLES: So this Mrs. Hemorrhoid woman, do you think she would mind terribly that I left the kitchen in a bit of a mess last night before I went to bed? BRIAN: Well I.... CHARLES: And would it concern her at all that I spilt beer all over the living room carpet? BRIAN: Gosh... CHARLES: And accidentally kicked a large dent into the cloakroom wall. BRIAN: Actually I dont think... MRS HEMORRHOID SUDDENLY COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE DOOR, CREATING A BIG HOLE AND SENDING SMALL BITS OF WOOD FLYING EVERYWHERE. MRS HEMORRHOID: (SHOUTING) WHO in heavens name is responsible for this?
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SHE POINTS TO SIGNED POSTER OF TONY GREAR, WHICH SHE IS HOLDING UP WITH ONE HAND. MRS HEMORRHOID: (STILL SHOUTING) What have I told you about putting up posters in this flat? CHARLES: But... MRS HEMORRHOID: Theres no excuse for this kind of behavior, youve completely broken the rules and gone against my wishes in the most extreme way. I cannot think of a worse crime. CHARLES: Oh, um... CHARLES REALISES THAT MRS HEMORRHOID IS YET TO DISCOVER THE MESS HE MADE. MRS HEMORRHOID: Yes? What is it? You dont mean to tell me Ive missed something do you boy? CHARLES: Well.... MRS HEMORRHOID SPOTS SOMETHING BY BRIANS BED. SHE STORMS OVER TO IT AND
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PICKS IT UP. MRS HEMORRHOID: What is the meaning of this? SHE WAVES A BROKEN FRAGMENT OF THE SANDWICH TOASTER IN THE AIR. BRIAN: Its part of a sandwich toaster. MRS HEMORRHOID: Yes I know what it is stupid, but what is the meaning of it, thats what Im asking you, you repulsive burk. BRIAN: Its for toasting sandwiches. MRS HEMORRHOID: (CLEARLY FED UP) Right, thats it, Ive had enough, wheres your useless friend Tony? CHARLES: Hes in his bedroom Miss. MRS HEMORRHOID: I didnt ask you, you slimy bag of shite, I asked this insufferable wind bag here! Now where is he? BRIAN: I dont know.
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MRS HEMORRHOID: You dont know? You dont know! SUDDENLY TONY GREAR APPEARS AT THE DOOR LADEN WITH SHOPPING BAGS. TONY: Good morning everybody! TONY GRINS INANELY AT EVERYONE. MRS HEMORRHOID GLARES HARSHLY AT HIM. BRIAN POINTS. BRIAN: There he is. MRS HEMORRHOID: I can see that thank you very much Mr Gilroy Smith. TONY: Is there anything the matter here? MRS HEMORRHOID: YES! There most certainly is! CHARLES: Its your poster Tony, Mrs Hemorrhoid says youre not allowed to put it up in her flat. MRS HEMORRHOID: Shut up!
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MRS HEMORRHOID THROWS THE BROKEN PIECE OF TOASTER AT CHARLES AND KNOCKS HIM OUT COLD. SHE THEN PRODUCES A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HER POCKET AND WAVES IT AT TONY. MRS HEMORRHOID: I have been asked to deliver this message to you from Miss Mary Tooth, your ex wife, who I understand has specifically requested a certain favour of you tonight. TONY: Really? MRS HEMORRHOID: Yes! TONY: (TAKING THE NOTE) Well Ill take that from you if you dont mind and Ill personally make sure that Miss Tooths wishes are carried out as requested. MRS HEMORRHOID: Good and you better do as you are told sonny Jim or Ill make damn sure that all three of your greasy butts are slung out of this flat as quick as you can say Things can only get better. TONY: Its no problem at all Mrs. Hemorrhoid, you can always rely on me.
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MRS HEMORRHOID: Well see about that. Now you better get these two lazy slobs out of bed so you can all make a start on sorting out the filthy mess this flats in. TONY: Right, okay then. MRS HEMORRHOID: And Tony, please dont plaster my walls in any of your self satisfied, party political indulgences, or Ill be forced to contaminate your water supply with arsenic. TONY: Is that a threat? MRS HEMORRHOID: Well done Mr Grear. Have a nice day. MRS HEMORRHOID EXITS THE ROOM. TONY IMMEDIATELY SCREWS UP THE PIECE OF PAPER AND THROWS IT IN THE BIN. TONY: If Mary Tooth thinks that Im going to do her any favours then shes got another thing coming. Especially after what she said about me to the Daily Mirror. Thanks to her, the whole world now thinks that Ive been living in the same pair of Y-Fronts since I was fifteen.
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BRIAN: But Tony, you have. TONY: Enough! No, Im afraid theres nothing else for it. Miss Tooth can stuff her winging request as far as Im concerned. Its not worth the paper it was written on. BRIAN: But what about Mrs Hemorrhoid? Shell throw us on to the streets with all those common people. It would be terrible, think of the smell. TONY: Oh dont worry about her, shes all bark and no bite and anyway, I have plans for tonight. BRIAN: Oh yeah? What are you up to now? TONY SHAKES HIS SHOPPING BAGS AROUND TONY: The most beautiful girl in the whole of Tescos is coming round here and Im gonna do the cooking. BRIAN: (LAUGHING) You? Cook? The last time you tried that, the nation came to a stand still and everyone was forced to take a few days off work.
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TONY: Thats because it was Christmas Day Brian. BRIAN: Oh yes, but still, you cant deny that the only dish you ever tried to cook was a pot noodle. TONY: Yes, all right, okay, but this is different Smithy, this time Ive got it all planned out. WE HEAR NASTY GRUNTING NOISE AS CHARLES SLOWLY EMERGES FROM UNCONSCIOUSNESS. CHARLES: Bollocks!
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SCENE 7: INT. LIVING-ROOM. AFTERNOON. CHARLES IS AGAIN STOOD UP PLAYING ON A FRUIT MACHINE AMONGST A LINE OF SIX OTHER FRUIT MACHINES. THERE ARE EMPTY BEER CANS STREWN ALL OVER THE CARPET. TONY WALKS IN WITH HIS BAGS OF SHOPPING AND GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR INTO THE KITCHEN. HE OPENS IT AND SEES MRS. HEMORRHOID STANDING THERE LOOKING AT HIM. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND GOES TO TALK TO CHARLES. TONY: I see youve got a few more fruit machines there Charles? CHARLES: Yep. THERES A MOMENTARILY UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE. TONY: Actually you havent by any chance noticed anyone standing in our kitchen recently whom, say, wasnt stood there before. CHARLES GLARES AT TONY WITH A LOOK OF TOTAL CONDEMNATION
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TONY: Ill take that as a no then. TONY WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT AGAIN. MRS HEMORRHOID: Well you didnt think I was going anywhere did you? TONY: Well actually to be honest, I did. MRS HEMORRHOID: Well thats tough. Miss Tooth gave me specific orders to make absolutely certain that you carried out all of her requests without fail. TONY: Did she now? MRS HEMORRHOID: Yes, you see Miss Tooth apparently has a little difficulty in trusting you, she assumed, bless her, that left to your own devises, you would probably screw up her note, that she had carefully written, and throw it straight into the bin. Now I know that you are sometimes a callous man Mr Grear, but I dont believe for a second that you would ever do a thing like that now, would you? TONY SUDDENLY TURNS PALE. THERE IS YET ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
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MRS HEMORRHOID: Oh, I see. So it would seem that I have hugely misjudged you then. I suggest that you go and retrieve the note from the bin as soon as possible and do as you are told, unless of course, you would like this rolling pin here inserted up your backside. TONY: Oh you wouldnt would you? MRS HEMORRHOID RAISES HER EYEBROWS AT TONY. CUT TO:
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SCENE 8: INT. BEDROOM. AFTERNOON. BRIAN IS IN BED, QUIETLY READING HIS POSTMAN PAT BOOK. SUDDENLY WE HEAR A LOUD SCREAMING NOISE FROM THE KITCHEN TONY: (V/O) Ahhhhhhhhhhh! CUT TO:
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SCENE 9: INT. KITCHEN. AFTERNOON. TONY IS FACING MRS. HEMORRHOID. TONY: Alright then, you would.
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SCENE 10: INT. BEDROOM. AFTERNOON. BRIAN IS STILL IN BED WITH HIS POSTMAN PAT BOOK. TONY SUDDENLY COMES RUSHING IN. TONY: Brian, Brian, you have to help me. Its Mrs Hemorrhoid, shes still here and shes just stuck a rolling pin up my arse. BRIAN: What? But I thought you said that Mrs Hemorrhoid was harmless? TONY: I was wrong. Listen, wait here while I find that note. BRIAN: (SHRUGGING HIS SHOULDERS) Okay. TONY GETS DOWN ONTO HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND STARTS DESPERATELY RUMMAGING THROUGH THE WASTE PAPER BASKET. HE FINDS IT. TONY: Here it is! HE OPENS THE NOTE AND BEGINS TO READ IT. BRIAN LOOKS AT HIM IN ANTICIPATION.
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BRIAN: Well, what does it say? TONYS EXPRESSION TURNS FROM DISTRESS TO GUILT. TONY: Thuggery buggery! BRIAN: Gosh, well that certainly is different. What is it, an offer or something? TONY LOOKS TO BRIAN, DISGUSTED. TONY: No it is not an offer, you idiotic gimp. I am merely expressing desperation over realising that today is my youngest sons birthday, and I completely forgot. And to make matters even worse, I agreed about seven months ago, to host his birthday party and, it need not surprise you that I forgot about that as well. BRIAN: Thuggery buggery TONY: Precisely BRIAN: So what are you going to do then?
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TONY: Well theres nothing else for it, Im going to have to host this party of his, after all, this is my son were talking about here and if anything Im determined to make damned sure he never turns out anything like his mother. BRIAN: Yes, I suppose that is indeed an honorable motive for such a drastic course of action. TONY: Thank you Smithy. And now I must go and report back to Mrs fatty Hemorrhoid before she calls out the SAS to have me killed. BRIAN: But Tony... TONY: What? BRIAN: (POINTING) Shes stood behind you. TONY TURNS ROUND TO FIND SHE IS STOOD BEHIND HIM. TONY: Oh, hi there, I was just coming to tell you the good news.
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MRS HEMORRHOID: Thank you Mr Grear, Ive heard it all for myself. Please do not let it escape you that you also have the kitchen to clean, the living room to tidy, the holes in the walls to fix and all the stains removed before the children arrive at five oclock. TONY: Of course. MRS HEMORRHOID: Oh, and dont forget that children often like to be given lots of presents on these such occasions, and not to mention, all the cakes, biscuits and trifle that they can get their hands on. But then I suppose Mr Grear, that you are the Prime Minister, so all of this sort of thing should easily be within your grasp. TONY: Yes, well.. MRS HEMORRHOID: Well Ill be off into town for a short while to see to some other business, but dont you dare go plotting against my orders because Ill be back before the end of the day to check up upon you. TONY: Thank you very much. MRS HEMORRHOID SLAPS TONY HARD AROUND THE FACE
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MRS HEMORRHOID: Less of the cheek boy. SHE THEN LEAVES THE ROOM, LEAVING TONY AND BRIAN ALONE TO DISCUSS THEIR PLANS. BRIAN: Ive just realised what all this means. TONY: (RUBBING HIS SORE CHEEK) What, that were all doomed to the most painful death imaginable? BRIAN: No, that my nightmares coming true. Theres going to be kids everywhere and theyre all going to be chasing me and calling me horrible names. TONY: Oh grow up Smithy! Youve got a lot more than that to be worried about. BRIAN: Why? TONY: Well, youre the only one who claims to be able to cook around here, so youre going to have to sort out all the cakes, biscuits, crumpets, drinks and...oh my god, Ive just realised!
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BRIAN: What? You mean that Im actually going to refuse to do anything you tell me and run away? TONY: No, although Ill have to deal with that profound suggestion in a minute, I mean that Im supposed to be cooking up a romantic dinner for my special date this evening. BRIAN: (DELIGHTED) Oh yeah, so you are! And what time were you expecting the lovely Sharon again? TONY: Six Oclock BRIAN: Gosh, really? Isnt that a coincidence? You know Im sure that thats exactly one hour after.... TONY: Yes I know! BRIAN: (SLAPPING TONY ON THE BACK) Well good luck with it all then pal, Ill just fetch my coat from the hall and leave you to it.. TONY: (GRABBING BRIAN BY AN EAR) Oh no you wont!
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BRIAN: But why do I have to help you Tony? This is all your mess that youve got yourself into, I didnt even have anything to do with the dirty state of the flat, that was all Charless fault. TONY: So where do you expect to go to whilst I am slaving away at the impossible here? BRIAN: I dont know, I thought I could go to Madam Tussauds or something. TONY: Madame Tussauds? And then where are you going to go? London Zoo? St. James Park? The Trocadero? Because youre most certainly not coming back here if I have anything to do with it. BRIAN: You cant evict me! TONY: Im the Prime Minister of England Smithy, I can do what the hell I want, including banishing you to the streets of Soho. Unless of course, you agree to help me out. BRIAN LOOKS PEEVED OVER THIS APPARENT THREAT AND SCREWS HIS EYES UP AT TONY, WHO MERELY GRINS BACK. CUT TO:
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SCENE 11: INT. LIVING-ROOM. EARLY EVENING. IT IS ALREADY HALF PAST FIVE AND BRIAN HAS SOMEHOW FOUND HIMSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEA OF NOISY CHILDREN. HE SITS WITH HIS LEGS CROSSED IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AND ATTEMPTS TO LOOK AS IF HE IS ENJOYING HIMSELF AS SMALL CHILDREN PUSH HIM FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND SLAP HIS BALDING HEAD. ENTER TONY GREAR WITH A TRAY OF CUPS OF WATER. TONY: Here you go children. And wheres the birthday boy? A SMALL BOY GETS TO HIS FEET, USING BRIANS FACE FOR SUPPORT AND SENDING HIM BACKWARDS WITH THE PALM OF HIS HAND. DILLON: Here I am Daddy. TONY: (HANDING OVER A DRINK) There you go my son. Now Brian, get up at once and fetch Dillon his cake. BRIAN IMMEDIATELY STUMBLES TO HIS FEET.
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BRIAN: I thought youd never ask. BRIAN RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND DISAPPEARS OUT THE DOOR . TONY: Now then, you all wait here like nice children while I just pop to the kitchen and get a few things ready. Brian will be back with your scrummy birthday cake just as soon as he gets back from the supermarket. TONY GOES TO THE KITCHEN. THE CHILDREN GO WILD AND BEGIN THROWING FURNITURE AROUND AND DRAWING ALL OVER THE WALLS.
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SCENE 12: INT. KITCHEN. EARLY EVENING. TONY RUSHES IN AND STOPS BY THE FRIDGE, CATCHING HIS BREATH AND TRYING TO GATHER HIS THOUGHTS. TONY: (TO HIMSELF) Right, first things first. Brians getting the cake, the kids are looking after themselves and I have no less than ten minutes to cook up a romantic meal for my date, whom should be arriving at any moment now. So, first course, fresh soup. Check fridge, check microwave, all present and correct, lets go.. HE OPENS THE FRIDGE AND IS SHOCKED TO FIND CHARLES IS SAT IN THERE WITH A CAN OF BEER. HE LOOKS A LITTLE COLD TO SAY THE LEAST. TONY: Charlie! What the hell are you doing in the Fridge? CHARLES: I got scared by that Hemorrhoid woman. TONY: Mrs Hemorrhoid? What in heavens name did she do to send you running into the refrigerator? CHARLES: She pointed at me and told me to tidy up the room.
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TONY: And then what? CHARLES: That was it. TONY: And youve been hiding in there now for what, five or ten minutes? CHARLES: About three hours or so. TONY: Three hours or so? My goodness Charlie, anyone would think you were mad. Im surprised youre not dead. CHARLES: Yeah. Me too. Anyway, what are you doing in the kitchen? You hardly ever come in to the kitchen. TONY: I know, its a little complicated really, Ill explain later, but I have to prepare a three course meal for a nice young lady in about...(CHECKS HIS WATCH)...eight minutes. Now wheres that fresh carton of soup I bought from Tescos? CHARLES: What you mean this?
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CHARLES HANDS TONY AN EMPTY CARTON OF CARROT AND CORIANDER SOUP. TONY: Great! Youve eaten the starter. Now what am I supposed to do? CHARLES: What about the next course? What were you planning on making for that? TONY: There should be a double sized portion of cheese and broccoli bake that can be bunged straight into the microwave for ten minutes. CHARLES: And did you put that in the fridge as well? TONY: Yes. You better not have eaten that too? CHARLES JUMPS OUT FROM INSIDE THE FRIDGE, SENDING A TORRENT OF EMPTY BOXES, CARTONS, PACKETS AND CANS CRASHING DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR BELOW. TONY LOOKS ON IN DESPAIR. TONY: Is there anything left in the fridge?
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CHARLES: Theres this cucumber. TONY: And thats it? CHARLES: Yes. TONY: God Charlie, you even managed consume an entire tub of lard. CHARLES: I just got a bit peckish, you know how it is? TONY: Well theres nothing that can be done about it now, my evenings ruined. CHARLES GOES PATS TONY ON THE BACK CHARLES: So whats going on in there then? CHARLES POINTS AT THE LIVING ROOM WHERE THE KIDS ARE RUNNING AROUND AND SCREAMING. WE SEE THAT THE WHOLE ROOM IS FILLED WITH FEATHERS WHERE THE CHILDREN HAVE RIPPED UP ALL THE CUSHIONS.
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TONY: Oh, its just a birthday party. My sons five today. In fact Smithy should be back any minute with a cake. THE DOOR BELL RINGS. TONY: Thatll be him now. Must have forgotten his key or something. Charles, you go into the living room and look after these kids for a moment, while I go and let Smithy in. Theres a good chap. CHARLES: Okay then. TONY RUSHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN. CHARLES WAITS FOR HIM TO LEAVE AND THEN SEARCHES THROUGH ONE OF THE CUPBOARDS AND GETS HIMSELF ANOTHER BEER. HE OPENS IT, TAKES A BIG GULP AND THEN WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR LEADING OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND SLAMS IT SHUT.
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SCENE 13: INT. HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING. TONY RUNS UP TO THE FRONT DOOR AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. WE NOTICE THAT HE IS NOW COVERED FROM HEAD TO FOOT IN LITTLE WHITE FEATHERS. HE PAUSES, TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND THEN OPENS THE DOOR. WE SEE HIS HORRIFIED REACTION. TONY: Sharon! How wonderful it is to see you. Please, come in, come in. TONY TURNS TOWARDS THE CAMERA AND PULLS A FACE OF UTTER DESPERATION. SHARON STEPS IN. SHE IS WEARING A LITTLE RED DRESS THAT REVEALS MAXIMUM CLEAVAGE, IN HER HAND SHE CARRIES A BEAUTIFULLY WRAPPED PRESENT, WHICH SHE HANDS TO TONY WITH A LOOK OF ANNOYANCE. SHARON: Heres the present you asked me to get you. TONY TAKES THE PRESENT OFF OF SHARON AND PRETENDS TO BE SURPRISED. TONY: Oh Sharon. You shouldnt have.
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SHARON: I know, but since youre paying me so much I thought I might as well go to the bother. TONY: Oh Sharon, youre so sweet. TONY GOES TO KISS SHARON ON THE LIPS BUT SHARON TURNS AWAY AND SLAPS HIM ROUND THE FACE. SHARON: Oi! No kissing remember. You specifically agreed to that clause. TONY: Oh all right then, but listen, you have to promise me not to tell anyone else about this little agreement. It would ruin my reputation if any of this got out. SHARON: As long as you keep your end of the deal then I wont tell a soul. TONY: Good. So you definitely wont tell anyone then? SHARON: No! Cross my heart and hope to die. TONY: Please dont do that either.
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SHARON: So anyway, arent you gonna show me in? I cant wait for dinner. It had better be special. TONY IS NOW LOOKING PARTICULARLY ANXIOUS TONY: Oh yes, its...very special. TONY DRAGS SHARON IN AND TAKES HER TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. JUST AS HE GETS TO THE BOTTOM THERES ANOTHER RING AT THE DOOR. TONY: Oh no, not again, that better be Smithy with the cake this time. SHARON WONDERS TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM DOOR AS IF TO OPEN IT. TONY SPOTS HER JUST IN TIME AND FORCES HER AWAY. TONY: No, not just yet! I havent finished putting together the big surprise yet, you better wait in here for a moment or two. TONY PUSHES HER INTO HIS BEDROOM. THE DOOR BELL RINGS AGAIN.
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TONY: Ill just go and get the door, I wont be long. HE CLOSES THE BEDROOM DOOR AND DASHES BACK UP THE STAIR CASE. ONCE AGAIN HE PAUSES AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR. THIS TIME HE IS EVEN MORE SHOCKED THAN THE LAST. TONY: Mrs Hemorrhoid! I wasnt expecting you so soon. MRS HEMORRHOID: Well thats no concern of mine. MRS HEMORRHOID PUSHES HER WAY PAST TONY AND LEADS THE WAY DOWN THE STAIRS. MRS HEMORRHOID: What is my concern though is that all the children are enjoying themselves and my flat isnt in the abominable state that you left it in last night. TONY: Well, Mrs Hemorrhoid, I can assure you that everything is under control and going exactly according to plan. MRS HEMORRHOID: Pleased to hear it Mr Grear. You ought to know that Miss Tooth is eager to discover how your son is
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getting on. I would dread to think that he isnt enjoying himself. TONY: Oh no, no, no, Dillon is definitely enjoying himself, in fact Id probably go as far as saying that hes having the time of his life. MRS HEMORRHOID: Good, well you wont mind if I have a quick look then will you? SHE REACHES FOR THE LIVING ROOM DOOR. TONY GOES TO STOP HER. TONY: No, not yet, no. Were preparing a little surprise for the children and its really very important that no one goes in there until its ready. We dont want to disappoint them. MRS HEMORRHOID: What are you playing at Tony? I dont for one second like the sound of this. TONY: Its fine, everythings in order. Although if you wouldnt mind, I would prefer it if you just waited in Smithys room for a few minutes whilst I just put the finishing touches to the surprise.
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TONY PUSHES MRS HEMORRHOID INTO SMITHYS BEDROOM MRS HEMORRHOID: This better be good Mr Grear! TONY: Ill call you when Im ready. TONY SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. TONY: (TO HIMSELF) Come on Smithy, whereve you got to? TONY WANDERS TO THE LIVING ROOM DOOR AND PEEPS HIS HEAD AROUND THE CORNER. IN THE LIVING ROOM WE SEE A GROUP OF HAPPY CHILDREN, DANCING AROUND TO HARD-CORE TRANCE MUSIC. TONY SHUTS THE DOOR AND SMILES TO HIMSELF. TONY: (TO HIMSELF) Well at least theyre enjoying themselves. THE DOOR BELL RINGS TONY: (TO HIMSELF) Smithy! TONY RUSHES UP THE STAIRS AND FLINGS OPEN THE FRONT DOOR. BRIAN IS STOOD
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THERE WITH A BIG DUNDEE CAKE. TONY LOOKS ENTHRALLED. BRIAN: Ive got cake TONY: Great, where did you get it? BRIAN WALKS IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM BRIAN: I nicked it off an old lady in the street. She didnt seem to mind, apparently somebody had just nicked her wallet anyway, so I dont suppose she would have noticed. TONY: Smithy, you cannot go robbing old ladies in the street. Youll end up giving your party a bad name. BRIAN: Well I got you a cake didnt I? TONY: Yes, well, It will have to do for now. Ive got a present that Sharon gave me, Im sure she wont complain if I give it to Dillon. BRIAN: Is Sharon here already?
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TONY: Yes, Im afraid the romantic dinner didnt go exactly according to plan. BRIAN: Well where is she now? TONY: Ive shut her in my bedroom whilst I try to think of something to do with her. BRIAN: So whatve you decided then? TONY: Nothing much yet. I need to get this stupid party out of the way first. Here, give me the cake and go and find some candles. Ill get Mrs Hemorrhoid ready to show her the surprise. BRIAN: Right, okay, whatever you say Tony. THEY BOTH PROCEED DOWN THE STAIRS. TONY: The candles should be in my room, youll have to excuse Sharon, just tell her Ill be with her in about ten minutes. BRIAN: Yep, no problem.
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TONY GOES INTO SMITHYS BEDROOM TO BECKON MRS HEMORRHOID. TONY: Sorry to keep you waiting there Mrs Hemorrhoid. Were ready for the big surprise now, so if you would like to follow me into the hallway. MRS HEMORRHOID: Okay then Tony, but Im warning you, if this turns out to be another one of your ill-fated pranks, then youll have to suffer the consequences. TONY: Itll be fine, I promise you. We just need some candles for this cake. Smithy where are you?
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SCENE 14: INT. TONYS BEDROOM. EARLY EVENING. WE CUT TO BRIAN IN TONYS BEDROOM. HE IS STOOD IN FRONT OF SHARON WITH A LOOK OF ASTONISHMENT ON HIS FACE. SHARON APPEARS TO HAVE UNDRESSED RIGHT DOWN TO HER SILKY LINGERIE. BRIAN CANNOT BELIEVE HIS LUCK. BRIAN: Wow! Are you Sharon? SHARON: Yeah. Who are you? BRIAN: Im Brian, would you mind terribly if I groped you? SHARON: Yes I most certainly would! Anyway, I thought it was just me and Tony in this flat tonight. I had no idea he had invited other guests. That contravenes section forty two, paragraph five of our agreement. BRIAN: What? SHARON: Oh, nothing. Tell me why youre here.
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BRIAN: I live here. SHARON: You live here as well? BRIAN: Yes, I share a bedroom with Charles. SHARON: Really? So you must have been here last Tuesday night when I came round to do some business with Charles? BRIAN: No you couldnt have. Charles had really bad asthma that night. SHARON: Oh, I dont think that was asthma! BRIAN: How do you know? You werent there. SHARON: Actually, lets forget we ever had this conversation. BRIAN: Okay. SHARON: Now wheres Tony?
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BRIAN: Oh you don't want to bother with that loser, he hasnt even managed to cook you a romantic meal tonight, how about I treat you to a little idea of my own. SHARON RAISES HER EYEBROWS IN CURIOSITY. BRIAN GRINS.
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SCENE 15: INT. HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING. TONY AND MRS HEMORRHOID ARE WAITING FOR BRIAN TO COME OUT WITH THE CANDLES. BRIAN GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR, BUT HE FINDS ITS LOCKED. TONY: Damn it! What on earth are they getting up to in there? Well just have do it without the candles. MRS HEMORRHOID: Well quick sharp Tony, I dont want to delay any longer. Open that door then and lets see that those kids are enjoying themselves.. TONY GOES TO OPEN THE LIVING-ROOM DOOR AND THEY BOTH WALK IN AMONGST THE PARTY. HOWEVER, NO LONGER ARE ALL THE CHILDREN HAPPY. INSTEAD THEY ARE ALL ROLLING ON THE DIRTY THE FLOOR IN TEARS AS CHARLES ATTEMPTS TO ENTERTAIN THEM BY SINGING THE THEME TUNE TO HOME AND AWAY WHILST PLAYING THE GUITAR AND STANDING ON A CHAIR. MRS HEMORRHOID IS NOT IMPRESSED. MRS HEMORRHOID: Quiet! THE ROOM FALLS SILENT.
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MEANWHILE, TONY NOTICES THAT THE WALL SOCKET APPEARS TO BE OVERLOADED. TONY: Charles, how many fruit machines have you got plugged into that socket? CHARLES: Seventy-four. TONY: Seventy-four? Do you not feel thats a little dangerous? CHARLES: Oh, its fine. Its all just a bit of harmless fun. MRS HEMORRHOID: Tony, what are you going to do to cheer all these children up? TONY: Dont worry everyone, Its now time for your special birthday surprise! TONY PRODUCES THE DUNDEE CAKE FROM BEHIND HIS BACK AND DISPLAYS IT IN FRONT OF DILLONS EYES. DILLON AND ALL THE CHILDREN GET UP AND STARE AT THE CAKE IN TOTAL SILENCE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, THEY ALL BURST INTO TEARS AGAIN.
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TONY: (SHOUTING) All right, all right! Thats not all, Ive also got Dillon an extra special present for his birthday, so Dillon if youd like to stop crying, and open your present, then hopefully youll all be cheered up and you can enjoy yourselves again. DILLON COMES FORWARD AND TAKES THE PRESENT FROM TONY. HE APPEARS TO LOOK EXCITED AGAIN. TONY LOOKS AT MRS HEMORRHOID WHO SEEMS TO HAVE NOTICED A FUNNY SMELL IN THE AIR. MRS HEMORRHOID: I smell burning. SUDDENLY THERE IS A HUGE EXPLOSION AS THE SOCKET BLOWS UP. THE ROOM THEN BECOMES CLOUDED IN A VAST FOG OF DENSE BLACK SMOKE WHICH, AFTER A WHILE, SLOWLY CLEARS TO REVEAL EVERYONE STOOD AROUND AND COVERED IN SOOT. DILLON: Its a pair of pink pants! EVERYONE LOOKS AT DILLON TO SEE THAT HE IS INDEED HOLDING UP A RATHER DISGUSTING PAIR OF PINK BRIEFS, WHICH HE HAS UNWRAPPED. EVERYONE THEN IMMEDIATELY TURNS TO TONY FOR SOME KIND OF EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS
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GONE ON. TONY HIMSELF LOOKS COMPLETELY GOB SMACKED. JUST THEN SHARON BURSTS INTO THE LIVING ROOM, STILL IN ONLY HER LINGERIE, CLOSELY PURSUED BY BRIAN WHO IS DRESSED UP IN TONYS SUPERMAN PAJAMAS. SHARON: Get away from me you freak! AT A CLOSER LOOK WE SEE THAT BRIAN IS ALSO WEARING A PAIR OF HUGE FOAM HANDS, WHICH HE IS POINTING AT SHARON WHILST HE CHASES HER AROUND THE ROOM. HE SOON COMES TO REALISE THAT THERE IS SMOKE EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE IS WATCHING HIM. HE STOPS. SHARON ALSO COMES TO A HALT. BRIAN: Oh my God! SHARON: Why are all these children here? MRS HEMORRHOID: Can somebody explain what the hell is going on here? CHARLES: (POINTING AT BRIAN) Its his fault.
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EVERYONE LOOKS AT BRIAN. CUT TO:
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SCENE 16: EXT. A LONDON STREET. BRIAN IS BEING CHASED DOWN A COBBLED STREET BY A HUGE GANG OF CHILDREN, COVERED IN SOOT AND BRANDISHING BROOM STICKS. BRIAN: Ahhhhhhhh!
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SCENE 17: INT. HOUSE OF COMMONS. AFTERNOON THE GOVERNMENT AND THE OPPOSITION BENCHES ARE ALL PRESENT FOR PRIME MINISTERS QUESTION TIME. THEY ARE ALL MAKING A LOT OF NOISE MADAM SPEAKER: (MRS HEMORRHOID) Order, order! EVERYONE FALLS QUIET. MADAM SPEAKER ORDERS BRIAN TO SPEAK. MADAM SPEAKER: Brian Gilroy-Smith. BRIANS PARTY ALL ROAR IN SUPPORT. BRIAN IS ALMOST COMPLETELY MUMMIFIED AFTER RECEIVING SERIOUS INJURIES FOLLOWING AN ASSAULT. HE STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET. BRIAN: Will the Prime Minister now concede that this country has a serious problem with juvenile crime involving the under fives? TONY: Well with all due respect to the Right Honorable Gentleman, there has only ever been one recorded incident of attempted murder of an adult by a gang of
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toddlers, and that was four days ago involving the leader of the opposition benches. Now somehow I dont think that this case alone quite merits being called a national crisis. BRIAN: Yes it does. TONY: Is that a question? BRIAN: No. TONY: Well shut up then. BRIAN: (TO HIMSELF) Heartless gimp. MADAM SPEAKER: Charles Bellamy MEMBERS OF CHARLESS PARTY CHEER IN SUPPORT. CHARLES STANDS. CHARLES: Thank you Madam Speaker. Is the Prime Minister willing to concede that the lady he invited back to his flat the other night was presented with a substantial quantity of cash before her arrival?
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SILENCE. EVERYONE LOOKS AT TONY. BRIAN: (GLOWING RED) Im not going to answer that question. - ENDS -
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The Three Leaders

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THE THREE LEADERS By Simon Derrick (2002)