It's Ninety Percent Mental Life's Outtakes Year 6 By Daris Howard 52 Humorous And Inspirational Stories SmashWords Edition

Copyright 2012 by Daris Ho ard Copying any part o! this boo"# ithout ritten permission# is stri$tly prohibited% &or more in!ormation go to' publishinginspiration%$om (ublishing Inspiration ))C

Table Of ontents !" Practical #oke $one %wry &" T'e Mec'anics Test (" %ni)al %no)alies *" % Tec'nolo+y ,orld -" % Little Bit Of Moti.ation 6" Misbe'a.in+ ,as'in+ Mac'ines /" It's Ninety Percent Mental 0" T'e I)1ortance Of Playin+ 2airly 3" T'e Perfect Halloween Prank !4" 51readin+ 5uns'ine !!" It's Not O.er 6ntil T'e ,'istle Blows !&" 7ey 8es1onsibilities !(" Differences In $ratitude !*" In T'e Hot 5eat !-" T'e 8elations'i1 !6" T'e Year I Li.ed 'rist)as !/" T'e Mysterious Broken ,aterer !0" % 8elati.e Disaster !3" Dealin+ ,it' lass o)1laints &4" 7eys Of 'rist)ases Past &!" T'e #oy Of Learnin+9 &&" Your Tou+'est O11onent Is Yourself

&(" Old Hickory : T'e Board Of ;ducation &*" $ettin+ 5tuck ,it' Pinnin+ On % orsa+e &-" % 5now Mac'ine %nd % <aluable Lesson &6" %lways To+et'er &/" ,'at's In % Na)e : #ackie Honda &0" ,'at My 5tudents Learned &3" % Youn+ alf %nd %n 6nfor+i.in+ 5win+ (4" How 2ar) Do+s $et T'eir Na)es (!" T'e Healin+ %t t'e Pool Of Bet'esda (&" Don't Take %way % alf's Dinner ((" Bo.ine Madness (*" Hikin+ Packs 6ne.enly Distributed (-" ,'at's In Your Pack (6" Hu)an 8i+'ts <iolations %nd inna)on 8olls (/" %n ;)1ty Tank= %nd Late To 5c'ool (0" Destroyin+ One's ;ne)ies (3" T'e Picture In T'e ,allet *4" % 2riend's $irlfriend= Or Not *!" I %) $rateful 2or % 2at'er ,'o> *&" 5o)et'in+ New= 5o)et'in+ Bubbly *(" 2reedo) ,e Take 2or $ranted **" Best 2is'in+ 51ots %re 7e1t 5ecret *-" T'at 51a) I %)

*6" Heart %c'es Of Bein+ % Parent */" T'e I)1erfect $ift *0" 5isterly Lo.e *3" Buyin+ Better 8as1berries -4" T'at 8eally 5tinks -!" How To $et Out Of Band lass -&" O' Deer Dear *eader# (eople o!ten as" me i! my stories are true% +hough I must admit that I tend to ta"e a bit o! literary li$ense in my riting# ea$h story is based on an a$tual e,ent% Sometimes the stranger stories are the ones that are stret$hed the least% As people o!ten say# truth is stranger than !i$tion% I also ant to note that some o! the names ha,e been $hanged to prote$t the anonymity o! the indi,iduals% Daris Ho ard

Practical #okes $one %wry

A group o! us young men ere gathered around ,isiting hen e heard a horn hon" long and loud outside% Shortly a!ter ard# a $ouple o! young ladies that or"ed ith us entered the building and sa us standing there% Immediately# -o bore do n on us li"e a mini train# and e $ould tell by the determination in her step that she meant business% E,eryone mo,ed aside to let her pass# ea$h hoping he asn.t the ob/e$t o! her resol,e% She mar$hed straight to ard 0rian# and# as she $losed in# he tried to retreat% 0ut he didn.t rea$t !ast enough# and she grabbed him ith both hands# holding !ast to his lapel so he $ouldn.t get a ay% +hough she asn.t ,ery big# in her anger she nearly pi$"ed him o!! o! the ground% 1So you thin" that it is really !unny# do you23 she blurted out angrily# her !orehead $hin le,el ith him% We all "ne that 0rian as a pra$ti$al /o"er# and I as sure that this had something to do ith one o! his pran"s% 1What are you tal"ing about23 0rian as"ed# his ,oi$e 4ui,ering slightly# indi$ating his ner,ousness at her a$$usations% 15h# don.t you play inno$ent ith me63 -o gro led at him% 1I "no ,ery ell that you did it# and I ought to pound you to a pulp%3 -%D% nudged me in the ribs% 1+en to one she $ould do it#3 he hispered% 0y no # the only 4uestion on my mind as hat 0rian had done% 10ut I asn.t the only one#3 0rian $omplained% 1+ell me ho the others are# and I ill troun$e them# too#3 -o yelled at him% 1&i,e to one she $an do that# too#3 -%D% hispered% E,en though e ere all ner,ous about $rossing -o# $uriosity !inally got the better o! one young man# and he as"ed hat had been done% -o let go o! 0rian ith a sho,e that nearly sent him to the !loor% She turned to !a$e us% 1+his moron and his $ohorts de$ided to ire our $ar bra"es to the horn so that e,ery time e press them# our horn hon"s%3 I loo"ed around our group and $ould see that e,eryone as trying not to smile% I e,en $o,ered a !a"e ya n to hide mine% -o didn.t miss our amusement% 17ou all thin" it.s !unny# huh2 Well# the Hell.s Angels bi"ers that e pulled up behind at a stop light didn.t6 It as all I $ould do to tal" us out o! that situation%3 She turned ba$" to 0rian% 17ou !i8 it no 63 10ut I.m in a suit#3 0rian $omplained% 1I $ouldn.t $are less i! you ere in a edding tu8#3 -o retorted% 17ou !i8 it no and I /ust might let you li,e63 0rian didn.t dare say no# so e all mar$hed outside% He too" o!! his suit $oat and slid under the $ar% Soon he announ$ed it as !i8ed% -o slipped into the dri,er.s seat and $he$"ed it out% She hit the horn and it or"ed% She hit the bra"e# and although I thought I heard a small pop# no horn sounded% As 0rian pulled himsel! out !rom under the $ar and stood up# -o as there to meet him% 1I! you e,er so mu$h as tou$h our $ar again# you ill ish you ere ne,er born63 With that# she stomped ba$" inside% 0ut the grin on 0rian.s !a$e told us something as up%

1I didn.t see you pull the ire out or anything#3 -%D% said% 1I /ust $onne$ted it to the lat$h that opens her trun"%3 0rian ans ered 1What i! someone gets hurt !rom that23 -%D% as"ed% 0rian laughed% 1Ho $ould anyone get hurt !rom a trun" popping open23 -%D% smir"ed% 1+en to one says you ill hen she !inds out%3 And 0rian dis$onne$ted it%

T'e Mec'anics Test

9r% -ohns !inished passing out the e8ams and turned to !a$e the $lass% 1:entlemen# you ill see that your s$ores are ,ery disappointing% I e8pe$ted mu$h better !rom you than this%3 Da,id raised his hand# and a!ter 9r% -ohns $alled on him# he spo"e the !eelings o! all the students% 10ut e sho e "no ho to do the me$hani$s% We ha,e rebuilt $ars nearly !rom the ground up% Demonstrating that understanding is hat really should matter%3 It as ob,ious that 9r% -ohns didn.t agree% He spo"e !or$e!ully to him% 1I !eel a person only really "no s something i! he $an e8plain it% ;ntil you $an e8plain things on an e8am# you are not really me$hani$s# /ust ba$"yard tin"erers%3 He then turned to the hole $lass% 1I am going on a ,a$ation this ee"end# but you# :entlemen# are going to spend your time preparing to sho me you are more than ba$"yard tin"erers% I am going to gi,e you a reta"e%3 E,eryone groaned# but 9r% -ohns made it $lear it as not up !or dis$ussion% 0y &riday# the test as ready# and he too" his !amily out o! to n to ,isit relati,es% Sunday e,ening hen they $ame home# as he pulled into his dri,e ay# his young son yelled# 1Dad# the <%W% is gone63 Sure enough# the <%W% he had been rebuilding as missing% He hurried into the house and 4ui$"ly $alled the poli$e% When the o!!i$er arri,ed# 9r% -ohns too" him out to the dri,e ay to sho him here it had been% 1%%%And hen e arri,ed home# it as stolen%3 +he o!!i$er glan$ed up# and !or an instant# he !ro=e% +hen he smiled% 1(erhaps not stolen# /ust mo,ed%3 9r% -ohns loo"ed in the dire$tion the o!!i$er as loo"ing# and there# on the top o! the old# three>story high s$hool# as his <%W% He gasped% 1Ho the de,il did it get up there23 +he poli$e o!!i$er laughed% 19aybe someone dro,e it up there%3 9r% -ohns didn.t thin" it as !unny% 1It doesn.t e,en run% It has some ele$tri$al or some !uel problems# or both% I ha,en.t been able to !igure it out yet% And# ob,iously# it isn.t going to /ust !it up the stair ell%3 19aybe this has to do ith the assignment you ga,e your $lass#3 the poli$eman said% 9r% -ohns as pu==led% 1What assignment23 17esterday# as I as ma"ing my rounds# I $ame a$ross a hole bun$h o! boys by the high s$hool ith a pile o! $ar parts% I as"ed them hat they ere doing# and they said they ere or"ing on a pro/e$t to sho you they ere true me$hani$s# as you had re4uested% +hey must ha,e ta"en the $ar apart# ta"en it up on the roo! pie$e by pie$e# and put it ba$" together%3 9r% -ohns snorted ith disgust% 1-ust ait until I get them in $lass on 9onday63 He then turned to the poli$e o!!i$er% 1I e8pe$t you ill !ile a stolen ,ehi$le report23 1Ho $an I !ile a stolen ,ehi$le report hen it isn.t stolen# only mo,ed23 1Well# hat am I supposed to do263 19aybe e should go loo" at it be!ore e de$ide%3 9r% -ohns agreed# and they made their ay to the s$hool and up the narro stair ay to the roo!% 9r% -ohns $limbed in the $ar# and instin$ti,ely turned the "ey% +o his surprise# it started and ran per!e$tly% 1I thought you said it didn.t run#3 the poli$eman said% 1It didn.t%3 1It loo"s li"e they did their assignment ell%3 9r% -ohns s allo ed his pride% 1(erhaps they did% 0ut ho do I get it do n23

1I ould suggest you ha,e them ta"e it apart and rebuild it on the ground% And I ould do it soon# be!ore I ha,e to gi,e you a par"ing ti$"et%3 1A par"ing ti$"et23 1It is de!initely par"ed in a no par"ing =one%3 And# so# on 9onday# the me$hani$s test $hanged to a demonstration o! ho ell they $ould ta"e apart a <%W% and reassemble it again !rom the ground up% 5n the ground this time%

%ni)al %no)alies
9y $hildren anted a puppy% I "ne ho ould be responsible !or ta"ing $are o! it# so I as relu$tant to get one% 0ut a!ter they had begged and pleaded !or some time# I !inally ga,e in% We named the huge bundle o! !ur 0uster% He as a strange dog# ne,er 4uite understanding the normal boundaries that nature set up# and he immediately tried to ma"e !riends ith our $at% She had /ust had "ittens# and# at !irst# hissed threateningly% 0ut hen she reali=ed he meant no harm# she a$$epted him into her !amily% He ould $url up beside them# and the $at and her "ittens ould all lay arm and $o=y by his side% It be$ame ob,ious to me ho mu$h he had been ta"en into her !amily on the !irst bath day% When the mother $at had !inished li$"ing ea$h o! her "ittens# she turned to 0uster !or his bath% E,en though he as three times her si=e# she started the arduous tas" o! $leaning him% He indi$ated his displeasure# so she ga,e him a s i!t s at ith her pa # and he relu$tantly settled do n and endured it% As he gre # more bat$hes o! "ittens $ame along# and 0uster be$ame more prote$ti,e o! ea$h one% He gre to roughly the si=e o! a small horse# and any stray dogs that tried to $hase the "ittens 4ui$"ly learned the error o! their ays% At times he !a$ed do n as many as three at a time% And ea$h night# the mother $at and her "ittens $limbed on top o! him and snuggled do n into his !ur to sleep% &or my part# I at$hed this ith great interest# but I as determined I ould not be$ome atta$hed to him% 9ore than on$e I had gro n to lo,e a dog only to lose him% 0ut one day# despite all o! my e!!orts# he did something that ended my resol,e% I "ne 0uster thought the $ats ere his !amily# but I hadn.t reali=ed ho mu$h he as part o! ours% We had a llama that gre ,i$iously territorial% +hough he had learned that it as not a smart thing to atta$" me# he had no !ear o! the others% +hat parti$ular day he bro"e do n the !en$e# and hen my i!e ent to hang out laundry# he atta$"ed% 0uster !ought ba$" and as able to "eep the llama a ay !rom her until my son $ould /oin in and help dri,e the llama !rom the yard% When I !ound out hat had happened# I did t o things% I put an ad in the paper !or a !ree llama# and I bought 0uster the biggest# /ui$iest dog bone I $ould !ind% &rom then on he as as mu$h my dog as anyone.s% I too" him ith me to do $hores# to !i8 !en$e# to or" in the garden# or one o! a thousand other things% When he sa anyone $ome out o! the house dressed in a s im suit# he as the !irst one to the gate aiting to go s imming in our pond% He also lo,ed $amping# and en/oyed sitting by the $amp!ire as someone lo,ingly stro"ed his big head% 0ut then $ame the days I dreaded% We !irst noti$ed that he as al"ing as though he had arthritis% As the months ent on# he be$ame more and more miserable until he $ould hardly al" at all% +hough e tenderly $ared !or him# it as hat the $ats did that interested me the most% +hey seemed to "no he asn.t ell# and they hunted do n mi$e and laid them at his !eet trying to help him get better% +he day he died# I "ne be!ore I e,en le!t the house% +he $ats ere s$rat$hing !uriously at our door% I had no sooner stepped outside than they ere s arming around my legs trying to mo,e me in his dire$tion% With my $hildren gathered around# I buried him and put a mar"er o,er his gra,e% 9y youngest daughter !ell into my arms sobbing% 1He as a good dog%3

17es#3 I ans ered# 1he as a good dog%3 And as !or me# he taught me that hen I ,ie others as di!!erent !rom mysel!# any boundaries on our !riendships are only sel! imposed% I also learned that e,en i! it is hard to say goodbye# it is still better to ha,e lo,ed any ay%

% Tec'nolo+y ,orld
I had been grading papers all day# and I as e8hausted% As the or" day ended and I le!t my o!!i$e# it !elt good to step out into the !resh air% I de$ided to ta"e a longer route to the par"ing lot to see i! I $ould $lear the $ob ebs !rom my head% As I turned the last $orner# about 100 yards !rom here I as par"ed# I /oined a $ouple o! young men ho ere $oming !rom the lo er part o! $ampus% +heir $lothes ere rough and their appearan$e un"empt% +hey loo"ed tired% I smiled at them% 1:ood e,ening# gentlemen%3 +heir rea$tion startled me% +hey seemed stunned that I ould spea" to them% +hey stopped al"ing and stared at me as i! I ere some alien $reature% 1Were you spea"ing to us23 one o! them as"ed in a ri$h southern a$$ent% 17es#3 I replied# as e all turned and started al"ing again to ard the par"ing lot% 17our a$$ent tells me you are not !rom here% Where are you !rom23 +hey said they ere !rom the southeast% +hey didn.t seem to be students at our uni,ersity# so I in4uired as to the reason they ere ,isiting our $ampus% 1We are graduate students at another uni,ersity# and e are here doing some resear$h ith regard to the dissertation e are /ointly or"ing on#3 one o! them ans ered% I ondered hat "ind o! resear$h they $ould be doing here% We ha,e no graduate programs# and e are not a resear$h institution% When I as"ed them more about it# they seemed relu$tant to say more# other than to tell me that their degrees ere in psy$hology% As e $ontinued al"ing together# e ,isited about their uni,ersity and about ours% +hey had 4uestions !or me# and I en/oyed learning about them% As e approa$hed the par"ing lot# and turned to go our di!!erent ays# one o! them stopped me% 10e!ore you go# e ha,e something !or you%3 He slung the pa$" !rom his ba$" and pulled out a giant $andy bar% 1Here# this is !or you%3 I laughed% 1What !or23 1Well# it has to do ith our resear$h%3 +hey then pro$eeded to tell me that the $hairman o! their resear$h $ommittee had said that te$hnology is destroying good human intera$tion% He said that hen he as younger# a person $ouldn.t al" a$ross a $ollege $ampus ithout someone at least saying hello to him% He $laimed that e,ery here a person ent# they $ould !ind someone ho ould ant to dis$uss politi$s# go,ernment# or orld a!!airs% He de$lared# 1?o e,eryone $ommuni$ates through te8ts# i! they $ommuni$ate at all# and they are so lo$"ed into their laptops# musi$ players# and other te$hnology# that they don.t e,en ha,e intelligent $on,ersations anymore%3 +hese young men# !or their dissertation# had set out to $hallenge that assumption# going !rom $ampus to $ampus a$ross the ;nited States% +hey obser,ed and at$hed% +hey ould smile at people and see i! anyone ould tal" to them ithout them tal"ing !irst% +hey said they had sa,ed our uni,ersity !or last be$ause the se$retary o! their department as one o! our alumni and had told them that i! they had no su$$ess any here else# they ould ha,e su$$ess here% He held the $andy bar out again% 10e!ore e le!t our o n uni,ersity# e bought a single $andy bar to gi,e to the !irst person# any here# that ,isited ith us% In all o! our tra,els# in$luding al"ing all day a$ross your $ampus# no one else has tal"ed to us% We had !inally gi,en up# $on$luding that no one ould# and ere ta"ing the $andy bar ba$" home ith us% 0ut no it.s yours%3

I than"ed him and a$$epted his gi!t% As e parted $ompany# I pondered on their thesis% I made a determination that I ould ne,er let opportunities to ,isit ith others pass by% E,en i! there isn.t a $andy bar in,ol,ed# the $ommuni$ation is a re ard in itsel!%

% Little Bit Of Moti.ation

Arden stormed into the house and dropped into a $hair# tired and dis$ouraged% His i!e# *a$hel# brought him a $old drin" o! ater% 1Ho .s the har,est going# Dear23 He shoo" his head% 1?ot ell% With all o! the men gone o!! to !ight Hitler# getting the beets topped and o!! to mar"et seems impossible% I thought it as an ans er to my prayers hen they de$ided to let the s$hools out !or har,est so the boys $ould help% 0ut they ha,e no moti,ation to or"%3 1Can.t the s$hool o!!i$ials do something23 *a$hel as"ed% 1+hey /ust transport them here on the busses% +hey $an.t ma"e them or"% I.,e tried e,erything I $an thin" o! to get them to mo,e !aster > $oer$ion# pep tal"s# and e,en bribery%3 -oy$e# Arden.s eighteen>year>old daughter# al"ed in and heard the last o! the $on,ersation% She as"ed her !ather some 4uestions# and he again e8pressed his !rustration% 1I! your brothers ere home# instead o! o!! to the ar# e ould ha,e had the har,est in by no %3 1Well# they.re not#3 -oy$e said# 1so i! e ha,e to# you and I ill do it by oursel,es%3 1I don.t "no # -oy$e#3 Arden replied% 1Ha,ing you or" ith all those boys is not good% +hey ill tease you mer$ilessly% I ill /ust tell the s$hool o!!i$ials not to bring them ba$" tomorro # and e $an start then%3 -oy$e $omplained that it ould be another day lost# and the e,ening air as already !eeling li"e inter as $losing in% 10esides#3 she added# 1I.m not a!raid o! their teasing%3 Arden relu$tantly agreed# and the t o o! them made their ay to the !ield% -oy$e ignored the boys. laughter and their rude /o"es as she approa$hed% While her !ather started up the e4uipment# -oy$e began topping beats and tossing them into the ro to be loaded into the tru$"% She or"ed !uriously# ignoring the $omments o! the boys% +he boys also ent ba$" to or"# but didn.t appear to be in any hurry% Soon she had mo,ed !ar ahead o! them and as or"ing 4ui$"ly do n her ro % 5ne o! the boys noti$ed# and he spo"e to the others% +hey loo"ed at her progress# ha,ing done more than all o! them put together# and suddenly e,erything $hanged% +hey ere not about to be beat by a girl% +he topped beets started !lying into the ro s% In turn# that made it possible to load the tru$" 4ui$"ly% It asn.t long until the tru$" as !ull and heading o!! o! the !ield# and another as mo,ing into its pla$e% +he boys eren.t laughing no % +hey ere or"ing hard and !ast% She or"ed !ast# too# and the tru$"s ere !illed at a tremendous pa$e% +he biggest problem as getting them unloaded and ba$" !ast enough to "eep e,eryone busy% At times# hen no tru$" as a,ailable# -oy$e too" a brea" and dran" some ater% She ould ma"e sure the boys had some as ell% When a tru$" returned# she immediately ent ba$" to or"% +he boys /oined her# none o! them anting to !all behind and ha,e her beat them% 5n$e she glan$ed o,er at her !ather as he or"ed to "eep the tru$"s rolling# and he smiled at her% Within only a !e days# their $rop as har,ested# and the last tru$" as on its ay% As Arden ,isited ith the s$hool o!!i$ials# one o! the boys $ame o,er to -oy$e% 1I! I am e,er in a tight spot and need a partner to or" ith# I ant you on my team%3 +he other boys laughed# and then they all headed to the bus% As they dro,e a ay# they all a,ed to her%

Arden put his arm around her% 1I guess you !ound the one thing that $ould get them to or"%3 1What.s that23 she as"ed% 17ou $hallenged their pride%3

Misbe'a.in+ ,as'in+ Mac'ines

Some years ago I or"ed part time doing maintenan$e or" !or multiple apartment $omple8es here $ollege students li,ed% Sometimes the apartment mangers and I ould share interesting e8perien$es ith ea$h other% Here is one that as set o! emails% +he real names ha,e been repla$ed% $irl? Dear Apartment 9anager# +he ashing ma$hines here are horrible% Someone needs to get them !i8ed% Mana+er? I@m sorry% I didn@t "no there as any problem% I ill put in a or" order !or our maintenan$e man to !i8 them% (A couple of days later.) Mana+er? 5ur maintenan$e man said he $ouldn@t !ind any problems ith the ashers% He as"ed me to see i! you $ould gi,e some spe$i!i$s as to hat is rong ith them% $irl? +he stupid things "eep shrin"ing all o! my !a,orite /eans% Mana+er? Are you sure it is the ashing ma$hines that are doing it2 $irl? Well# duh% What else $ould it be2 +hey don@t shrin" /ust earing them% Mana+er? I don@t see ho our ashing ma$hines $ould be the $ause o! your /eans shrin"ing% $irl? What else $ould it be2 I ore them hen I li,ed at home# and the ashing ma$hines there ne,er shrun" them% Mana+er? Would you mind e8plaining ho you thin" the ma$hines are hat is doing this2 $irl? I thin" it is the ater they use% Mana+er? It is /ust normal ater% In !a$t# e ha,e a !ilter system and a ater so!tener% It should be the best ater there is !or ashing $lothes% Are you using the right temperatures and $y$les2 $irl? 5! $ourse% I do e,erything /ust li"e my mom did at home% Mana+er? Are you using the same detergent2 $irl? 7es% I ouldn@t use anything else but hat my mom uses% Mana+er? I /ust $an@t !igure out hat e $ould do to $hange our ashers so they don@t shrin" your /eans% Are you positi,e there $ouldn@t be another e8planation2 $irl? Are you insinuating I@m stupid2 Well# I@m not% Mana+er? ?o# I asn@t% I didn@t mean to o!!end you% I as /ust ondering i! there might be some other e8planation% +his is the !irst $omplaint I ha,e had about it% $irl? Well# I $an tell you that my roommates ha,e the same problem# so it@s not /ust me% It@s probably /ust that nobody else ants to ma"e a,es# so they aren@t illing to $omplain% Mana+er? I! you don@t mind# maybe you $ould tal" to your roommates and see i! any o! them ha,e an idea about hat is $ausing the problem so e $an get this all !igured out% (A couple of days later.) $irl? I ant you to "no that e !igured out the problem ith my /eans# so you $an !orget about it% Mana+er? Can you tell me hat you !ound out2 $irl? I@ll /ust say that I no longer blame you# so you don@t ha,e to orry about it anymore% Mana+er? Would you mind telling me hy2 $irl? It@s all o"ay% 9y roommates and I !igured out the problem# so than"s !or your help% Mana+er? I appre$iate that# but I really "ind o! need to "no hat too" $are o! the problem% $irl? It@s "ind o! simple little thing% 7ou $an /ust !orget I e,er rote% Mana+er? I@m glad e,erything is or"ing !or you no # and I appre$iate the !a$t that you are not

upset ith us% 0ut to $lose out the or" order# sin$e e really didn@t do anything to !i8 the problem# I am re4uired to put some e8planation as to hy you are no satis!ied ith our ser,i$e% Would you please tell me hat $hanged your mind about our ashing ma$hines being the $ause o! your /eans shrin"ing2 $irl? 5ne o! my roommates bought a s$ale !or our apartment%

It@s Ninety Percent Mental

)enny stormed into the lo$"er room a,ing the regional ne spaper% 1Did you guys see the paper today23 He sho ed it to us# and e ere sho$"ed at hat e read% In a letter to the editor# the $oa$h o! the !ootball team e ere to play that ee" said horrible things about us% His $omments stemmed !rom the !a$t that e had on the state playo!! spot e,en be!ore e played them% +he reason !or this as be$ause he had de$ided not to play one o! the distri$t teams sin$e they ere a three hour dri,e a ay% He !elt his team $ould beat the other !our# and by so doing# still ma"e the playo!!s% Ho e,er# hen they lost a game# the playo!! spot !ell to us% His letter stated that his team ouldn.t e,en ha,e the ill to in# "no ing they $ouldn.t go to state e,en i! they beat us% &or ea$h o! the ne8t !e days# he rote a ne letter to the paper berating us and $hallenging us to let the inner ha,e the spot% We ere illing# sure that e $ould in# but our $oa$h said it as out o! our hands% +he state rules $ontrolled ho ent to the playo!!s% Ho e,er# the opposing $oa$h.s $omments gal,ani=ed us into !ier$e pra$ti$es% We ran and blo$"ed and ta$"led li"e ne,er be!ore# and our $oa$h noti$ed% 5n +hursday# a!ter reading another arti$le by the opposing $oa$h# e ran !rom the lo$"er room !or our last pra$ti$e be!ore the big game# ready to annihilate any opposition% 0ut# instead o! the tough pra$ti$e e all e8pe$ted# our $oa$h had di!!erent plans% 19en# I "no you are all ti$"ed o!! about the letters to the editor that you.,e read# and I $an.t blame you% 0ut I "no that $oa$h# and you.re !alling right into his trap% 17ogi 0erra said A0aseball is B0C mental >> the other hal! is physi$al.% 7ou $an say mu$h the same !or !ootball% 7ou men are out there preparing !or one o! the most physi$al games o! your li!e# but I.m a!raid you $ould lose the mental battle% 1I $an promise you that# !or all o! his tal" about his team not ha,ing the ill to in# they ha,e been preparing !or this game physi$ally li"e no other# /ust as you ha,e% 0ut "no ing their $oa$h as I do# I doubt they plan to play !air% He is not abo,e ha,ing his players ta"e e,ery $heap shot they $an# /ust as he has in his letters to the paper% 1+here!ore# to in# e must do better% We must play the $leanest# most honorable game e ha,e e,er played% 5nly spotless sportsmanship $an in against dirty $ompetition% 0esides# e ha,e !ar more to lose by lo ering oursel,es to his le,el% ?o one ould be too sho$"ed ith raun$hy $ondu$t !rom a losing team% 0ut no one really thin"s o! a team as true $hampions i! they play that ay% And I e8pe$t my team to be $hampions6 1So# tomorro # e ill ha,e some stringent rules% I ill ha,e no !ighting% I! they ta"e a $heap shot# as I.m sure they ill# you simply tell them they made a good hit# and then al" a ay% It.s not $o ardi$e to $ontrol your temper% 7ou must $hannel your thoughts and energy into e,ery play# !orgetting about re,enge% &urther# I e8pe$t you to sho superior sportsmanship by o!!ering them a hand up hen they are do n# and things li"e that% And those ho don.t ill arm the ben$h by me%3 )enny turned to me and hispered% 1I thin" $oa$h has !inally lost it%3 19aybe#3 I hispered ba$"% 10ut I plan to do hat he says%3 Coa$h !inished his le$ture% 1I! you ill do hat I tell you# e,en i! it is hard# I thin" I $an not only guarantee a in tomorro # but the most interesting game you ill e,er be part o!% +here ill be no pra$ti$e tonight% 7our /ob is to get yoursel! mentally ready !or tomorro % 3

And so# silently# e le!t the !ield# an unusual preparation !or a game that as to be li"e no other e had e,er played%

T'e I)1ortance Of Playin+ 2airly

5ur $oa$h had arned us that the opposing !ootball team ould play un!airly# but he also threatened to pull us !rom the game i! e !ollo ed their lead% He promised us it ould gi,e us a mental ad,antage i! e played !airly hen our opponents didn.t% 1(ut your energy into the game#3 he said# 1not into re,enge%3 We on the $oin toss and lined up to "i$"% I as the "i$"er# and# already mo,ing at !ull speed# as !irst to rea$h their ball $arrier% As I got up !rom the ta$"le# I rea$hed my hand out to him% He $austi$ally slapped it a ay# and# at that moment# I as rammed in the ba$" and slammed to the ground% It as an absolutely illegal hit# but the re!s missed it% +he ta$"ler /umped to his !eet# doubling up his !ists# e8pe$ting me to !ight% Anger surged through me as I gasped to $at$h my breath and struggled to my !eet% 0ut I remembered hat $oa$h said and put a thumb up% 1?i$e hit63 +he opposing player stood there# dumb!ounded% As I al"ed ba$" to our team# )enny approa$hed me% 1I $an.t belie,e you didn.t $lean his $lo$"63 1I don.t ant $oa$h ta"ing me out o! the game#3 I replied% I lined up as de!ensi,e ta$"le and sa the guy that hit me ta"e the position o! !ull ba$"% +o mysel! I said# 15h# please gi,e him the ball%3 9y prayer as ans ered# and he turned to run up my side% I "no$"ed the o!!ensi,e ta$"le !lat as I $ame through the line% +he !ullba$" sa me and turned# but not !ast enough% )enny /oined me on the ta$"le# and they had a si8 yard loss% I as /ust getting up hen# on$e more# someone smashed into my ba$"% +his time the re! $alled a penalty# putting us near the goal line% +hey tried a pass ith no su$$ess# so on the ne8t play# the 4uarterba$" tried to snea" some yardage around the outside% 5ne o! our de!ensi,e ba$"s and I $aught him barely a yard outside the goal line% +his time# as I got up# I rea$hed my hand to their 4uarterba$"# but "ept a ary eye% Sure enough# a big ta$"le sped to ard me% I /umped aside# /ust in time# and he plo ed into his o n 4uarterba$"# ho had /ust stood up% +he re! thre a !lag% +heir 4uarterba$" /ust laid there# and the opposing $oa$h $ame onto the !ield to $he$" on him% +he re!s had a dilemma% Do they penali=e the other team !or an illegal hit against their o n player2 As the 4uarterba$" !inally struggled groggily to his !eet# the opposing $oa$h demanded a penalty be assessed% +he head re! agreed# and $alled one on them% 1?ot against us# you idiot6 Against him63 the $oa$h said# pointing at me% 17our player made the illegal hit63 the re! !ired ba$"% With !ourth and 20 they ould ha,e to punt# and# as the opposing $oa$h stormed o!! o! the !ield# he yelled at me# 17ou.re dead63 As e prepared to re$ei,e# Coa$h arned me to "eep my its about me% +he ne8t play had barely ended hen a player $ame a!ter me% I a,oided a dire$t hit# and another penalty as assessed% +hrough the rest o! the game# many illegal hits $ame at us# but as e $ongratulated them or /ust al"ed a ay# something strange started to happen% +hey not only seemed $on!used# but lost intensity% 9a"ing an illegal hit# and getting no $omparable response# too" a ay their energy% In addition# their o n supporters seemed disgusted and 4uit $heering > sometimes e,en booing their o n team.s ob,ious in!ra$tions% I played both o!!ense and de!ense# and by the time e entered the se$ond hal!# e ere busting through their line ith total impunity% 5ur o!!ense as dri,ing !i,e yards per play# but our de!ense as gaining an a,erage o! si8% We on ith a !inal s$ore o! 5D to D%

As e al"ed !rom the !ield# a!ter sha"ing hands ith our de/e$ted opponents# I had learned mu$h about the importan$e o! the mental game o! !ootball% 0ut more importantly# I reali=ed ho mu$h better it is to "no that I played !airly%

T'e Perfect Halloween Prank

)enny# 0ut$h# and 0uster snu$" stealthily through the !arm yard under the $o,er o! dar"ness# ith only the 4uarter moon !or light% +hat is# they ere stealthy until 0ut$h bumped into )enny% 1Hey6 Wat$h here you are going63 1Ho $an I at$h here I am going hen I $an hardly see anything23 0ut$h retorted% 1It ould help a lot i! e turned on the !lashlight%3 1We don.t ant him to see us and gi,e a ay that e.re here#3 )enny gro led% 1*emind us# again# hat e are doing#3 0uster said% 1We are going to ire the bra"es in ;n$le Dustin.s pi$"up to the horn so that e,ery time he pushes the pedal# the horn goes o!!#3 )enny replied% 1Why do you ha,e su$h a ,endetta to get your un$le23 0ut$h as"ed% 1E,ery Hallo een e try# and he ends up getting the better o! us%3 1+hat.s e8a$tly it%3 )enny replied% 1+his year it.s our turn% 0esides# he started it% 7ears ago hen I as young# he dressed up li"e a monster and s$ared me to death%3 +hey $ontinued snea"ing their ay a$ross the !arm yard# staying hidden behind trees# old ma$hinery# and anything else they $ould% 0ut the last stret$h as open spa$e% 1We.ll ha,e to stay do n#3 )enny hispered# 1or e.ll trigger the yard light%3 )i"e soldiers approa$hing the enemy.s !ighting position# they $ra led a$ross the dirt in the yard# ith )enny dragging the ire# pliers# and other ne$essary e4uipment% +hey ere /ust about to the old shed here the pi$"up as par"ed hen a loud siren pier$ed the night air% S$ared to death# they turned to ard the sound and sa !lashing red and blue lights% 1+he poli$e63 )enny yelled% 1*un63 He /umped up and too" o!! ith the other t o $lose behind% +hey stumbled their ay a$ross the yard in the opposite dire$tion o! the !lashing light and siren% )enny tripped o,er an old pie$e o! ma$hinery# and the others tumbled o,er him% +hey /umped up and $ontinued running to the pole !en$e# thre themsel,es o,er it# and dropped to the ground% 1Do you thin" they sa us23 )enny as"ed% 0uster $oughed and sputtered% 1What I.m more $on$erned about is hat the de,il e are laying in2 It stin"s63 1We.re in the $o $orral#3 )enny hispered% 17ou mean e.re laying in $o manure23 0uster blurted out% 1Shh#3 )enny arned% 1+hey.ll hear us%3 +hey ere there# 4uiet and motionless# !or a long time# as the lights and siren $ontinued% All at on$e 0ut$h let out a pani$"ed gasp% 1Something.s breathing on me%3 He s$reamed hen a $urious $o li$"ed his !a$e ith her sandpaper tongue% S$ared# she bello ed and ran !or the other side o! the $orral% 1I.m !ree=ing# lying here#3 0uster said% 1I thin" I ill /ust go turn mysel! in% I.d rather go to /ail than !ree=e to death% As !ilthy as e are# I doubt they.d ant us in their /ail any ay%3 1?o63 )enny hispered !ear!ully% 1)et.s /ust $ut a$ross the $orral and e.ll ma"e a brea" !or it%3 +he others got up and !ollo ed him# until 0ut$h let out a yelp% 1What is it no 23 )enny as"ed in disgust% 19y so$" and shoe got stu$"# and my !oot pulled out o! them% I /ust stepped in this mu$" ith my bare !oot%3 +hey or"ed the shoe !ree# but in so doing# they all got stu$"% &inally# all o! them# in bare

!eet# made it a$ross the !ilthy $orral $arrying their shoes and so$"s% E,entually# smelly and $old# they ere !ree% +he ne8t day# )enny non$halantly $ame o,er to ,isit ith his un$le and as"ed i! he.d had any Hallo een problems% 1+hought I heard something on$e#3 his ;n$le said# 1but I /ust !lipped this s it$h on my ne !angled $ontraption# and that seemed to ta"e $are o! it%3 )enny loo"ed on ide>eyed as his un$le# grinning "no ingly# !lipped the s it$h and "i$"ed on a blue and red !lashing light and a siren% 1?e8t year63 )enny gro led under his breath%

51readin+ 5uns'ine
Although most o! us ere speeding that day and probably deser,ed a ti$"et# it as only *od that got one% 0ut there as a good reason !or that% It had been a et !all% +he rains had turned mu$h o! the ground to mush# but no pla$e as orse than at the huge dairy near here e li,ed% +he et# sloppy mu$" as more than three !eet deep in most o! the $orrals% -ustin.s dad had re$ei,ed a $ontra$t !or hauling a ay the manure and spreading it on the !ields a !e miles a ay% -ustin# a young high s$hool student# anted to pay !or a ne $ar% So he too" on the /ob or"ing !or his dad% 1Spreading Sunshine3# he $alled it% 0ut$h and 0uster or"ed at that dairy# and ere on their ay there !or the e,ening mil"ing hen 0uster.s $ar# as usual# bro"e do n% 0ut this time it died right at the point o! a sharp $ur,e here it $ouldn.t be seen !rom either dire$tion% While 0ut$h stayed in the $ar# 0uster stepped out to see i! he $ould !igure out hat as rong# e,en though his me$hani$al aptitude as $lose to =ero% He had barely raised the hood hen he heard the ominous sound o! the approa$hing manure tru$"% 0uster.s !irst impulse as to !lee# but then he thought about his $ar# and de$ided he better run to the $orner to !lag -ustin to a stop% Ho e,er# he didn.t get the $han$e% -ustin# paid by the load and not by the hour# as tra,eling !ar abo,e the speed limit% He rounded the $orner at !ull throttle# sa the $ar# and hit the bra"es% +he tru$" slid the !ull distan$e to the $ar# stopping only a !e !eet !rom 0uster# ho had his eyes $losed# thin"ing he as about to die% 0ut e,en though the huge tru$" stopped# the load it $arried didn.t% +he et manure surged !or ard li"e a giant tsunami# engul!ing 0uster# his $ar# and the road !or about E0 yards# as ell as !illing the dit$hes on ea$h side% 0uster thought he as going to dro n# but -ustin /umped out# aded in# and res$ued him% ?o one e,er tra,eled the speed limit on that road# and ith it being /ust a!ter or"# the speeding $ars started $oming% Ea$h sa the mess too late to stop# and plo ed into it# some thro ing a a,e ten !eet high% I as one o! those% 9ost tra,eled on# but a !e o! us stopped to see i! help as needed% Someone must ha,e $alled the sheri!!.s o!!i$e be$ause# e,entually# a $ouple o! deputy sheri!!s pulled up in a ni$e# ne pi$"up% +hey par"ed at the edge o! the manure# not anting to get their ne tru$" dirty% )aughing# they stepped out% 1Well# ell# ell# hat a mess% We probably should issue a ti$"et here# but /ust ho do e gi,e it to23 +hey laughed e,en more as 0ut$h# ho as still in 0uster.s $ar# started hollering that he as su!!o$ating under the manure $o,ering% When e told him to /ust $limb out# he yelled ba$" !rom the hidden depths% 1Are you $ra=y263 +he deputies $ontinued to laugh until# suddenly# *od# in his big pi$"up# $ame hurtling around the $orner% He sa the sheri!!.s pi$"up and lo$"ed his bra"es% +he deputies thre themsel,es out o! the road as *od slid in their dire$tion% He hit their sheri!! tru$" on a ba$" $orner# spinning it into the manure# here it $ame to rest in the dit$h% +he t o deputies stared at their pi$"up as it san" into manure higher than the hood# and the manure began to !lo inside through the t o open doors% And although it as really really hard not to# no one laughed# e,en hen *od !le out o! his pi$"up and yelled# 1All right6 Who as the stupid idiot that le!t a pi$"up par"ed in the%%%3 And e still "ept our $omposure e,en hen e sa the loo" on his !a$e hen he stopped

short# seeing the !ro n on the !a$e o! the t o deputies# and then turned and sa the lights on top o! their patrol tru$"% And that# you see# as hy *od as the only one that got a ti$"et that day%

It@s Not O.er 6ntil T'e ,'istle Blows

It as the end o! my sophomore year in high s$hool# and I as in the eight room hen the !ootball $oa$h approa$hed me% 1Ho ard# ha,e you $onsidered $oming out !or !ootball ne8t !all2 With your si=e# e $ould really use you%3 I told him that my !ather only allo ed one sport per year# e8plaining that my brothers and I traded o!! ho did the $hores# ea$h ta"ing a turn hile the others parti$ipated in the sport o! their $hoosing% Ho e,er# I reali=ed that# sin$e I as one o! the youngest and had no one else to trade o!! ith anymore# I ended up doing the mil"ing all o! the time% It had been hard# $oming home e8hausted !rom restling pra$ti$e# and still doing $hores# but I had done it and $ould do it again% When I tal"ed to my dad# he $onsidered it !or a time% &inally# he agreed% 17ou ha,e done a good /ob in the past# and you ha,e "ept good grades% I suppose as long as you $ontinue to do that# then you $an do hate,er sport you ant%3 Coa$h as happy to see me that !irst day o! pra$ti$e# but I arned him that I "ne nothing about !ootball% He laughed# 15nly seen it on +%<%# huh23 1?o#3 I responded% 1?ot e,en that% I al ays had too many $hores to do%3 Coa$h as surprised# but told me I ould probably $at$h on !ast i! I or"ed hard% I did or" hard% We did a lot o! $onditioning# and I $ould outrun# outhit# and outlast almost e,eryone% 0ut as e started a$tually pra$ti$ing# remembering all the rules as mu$h harder% Ho e,er# there as one that really stu$" ith me% At one o! my !irst pra$ti$es# Coa$h had reiterated some o! the basi$s% 1Don.t !orget# the play is ne,er o,er until the re! blo s the histle% ;ntil that happens# you go !or the ball%3 I as put on de!ense# and my ine8perien$e sho ed% 5n one play# the !ullba$" made a $lean brea" through the line% 0e$ause it as /ust pra$ti$e# on$e he got $lear# the rest o! the team turned ba$" !or the ne8t play% 0ut I hadn.t heard a histle# so I "ept a!ter him% He had slo ed# planning to turn ba$"# hen he sa me $oming% I $hased him the !ull 100 yards# ta$"ling him /ust be!ore the goal line% Coa$h hadn.t blo n the histle be$ause he as laughing so hard he $ouldn.t get air into it% +he !ullba$" as !uming% 1+ell this stupid idiot it.s /ust pra$ti$e63 he said# as e $ame ba$"% 1I didn.t hear a histle#3 I said in my de!ense% I made the ,arsity $ut# but made a lot o! mista"es# and didn.t play mu$h% 0ut in one parti$ularly tough game# a $ouple o! our de!ensi,e linemen ere hurt% +he s$ore as nearly e,en# and things ere tense% 1Ho ard# in at de!ensi,e ta$"le63 Coa$h bar"ed at me% A $ouple o! plays later# their team thre hat appeared to be a short out pass% ?o one as near it# and the ball hit the ground% ?ot "no ing all o! the rules# I didn.t reali=e that i! the 4uarterba$" thre behind himsel!# and the ball hit the ground# it as still li,e% 0ut I did "no that I hadn.t heard a histle% E,eryone else on our team started ba$" to the huddle# thin"ing it as an in$omplete pass% +heir team had e8pe$ted that# and aited brie!ly !or the $oast to $lear% +he 4uarterba$" then pi$"ed up the ball# thin"ing he ould ha,e a !ree run to the goal line% It as at that moment that I ta$"led him !or a si8 yard loss% 9y team at$hed# laughed# and yelled derogatory things to me about needing to learn the rules% 0ut their laughter ended abruptly hen Coa$h $alled a timeout and lambasted them% He

then turned to me% 1Ho ard# that as brilliant6 Ho did you "no they ere pulling a tri$" play23 I as embarrassed# "no ing it asn.t brillian$e# but la$" o! e8perien$e% I "ne so ,ery little% 0ut there as one simple rule that I hadn.t !orgotten% +he play isn.t o,er until the histle blo s%

7ey 8es1onsibility
Sunday morning# hen I $ame in !rom mil"ing the $o s# my i!e# Donna# as sear$hing all o,er the house% 1What are you loo"ing !or23 I as"ed% 1I $an.t !ind my "eys any here#3 she replied in great !rustration% I helped her loo" !or a hile# and e,entually the hole !amily /oined in# but it as all to no a,ail% She needed to be at $hur$h early# so I loaned her a $ar "ey !rom my set# retaining the rest so I $ould dri,e o,er later% When e arri,ed home !rom $hur$h# the hole !amily /oined in the sear$h again# but e still $ouldn.t !ind her "eys% We sat do n and tried to thin" about here she had had them last# hat she had done all day on Saturday# and here she had gone% We ould get hat e thought as a spar" o! inspiration only to $he$" it out and $ome to a dead end% 5n 9onday# I too" my "eys in and had dupli$ates made o! the ones I $ould% Ho e,er# be$ause the ne ele$troni$ ,ehi$le "eys are e8tremely e8pensi,e# e de$ided to /ust trade mine ba$" and !orth bet een us# hoping hers ould sho up% Donna almost ne,er loses anything or !orgets here something is# hile I# on the other hand# $an.t remember hat I did ten minutes earlier i! ha,en.t ritten it do n% &or that reason# she endured some good natured teasing% 1Why don.t you loo" in the !ree=er23 one o! the "ids as"ed% +hat has been a /o"e in our !amily e,er sin$e our married daughter !ound her "eys there% Still# to this day# e ha,e no idea ho they !ound their ay in there% E,entually# someone a$tually did loo" in the !ree=er# but Donna.s "eys eren.t there% I teased her about getting a beeper !or them# and e,en loo"ed into ho mu$h it ould $ost% 0ut# in reality# I as /ust glad it asn.t my "eys# and I told her so% I really need mine to get into my o!!i$e at or"# and it.s $ostly and time $onsuming i! I ha,e to repla$e them% &or t o ee"s e hunted !or her "eys ith no lu$"% We !inally resigned oursel,es to the !a$t that e eren.t going to !ind them# and ould ha,e to !or" out the money !or a hole ne set% It as right about then# on Saturday morning# I de$ided that I needed to see ho my beehi,es ere progressing% As I slipped into my thi$" bee suit# I heard something /angling% I rea$hed into the po$"et and !elt some "eys% Without e,en pulling them out# I "ne hat they ere% I started remembering ho # on the parti$ular Saturday e had lost them# that I had dressed in my bee suit# and had borro ed Donna.s "eys !rom her purse to retrie,e some beehi,e materials !rom our ,an% I must admit that I as tempted to /ust put them on her dresser and a$t all surprised# along ith e,eryone else# hen they ere dis$o,ered% 0ut I de$ided I needed to be a man and o n up to my !ailings% When I sho ed them to her# she s4uealed ith delight and hugged me% Her /oyous rea$tion brought the hole !amily around% When she as"ed me here I !ound them# I relu$tantly started to e8plain% 1Well# you see# it.s li"e this% I as or"ing on the bees t o ee"s ago# and I needed to get in the ,an# and ell%%%3 As I trailed o!! on my story# she and the $hildren started to laugh at my embarrassment% 0ut my s eet i!e /ust hugged me% 1(erhaps e should still get the beeper%3 0ut then she po"ed me

good>naturedly% 10ut e.ll put it on you%3

Differences In $ratitude
I as 1B years old# li,ing in ?e 7or"# and a long ay !rom home% It as +han"sgi,ing time# and I "ne I ould not be able to go home that holiday% + o di!!erent !amilies that attended the same $hur$h I did# in,ited me to +han"sgi,ing dinner% +he !irst dinner as to be at about noon# and the se$ond ould be around F'00 in the e,ening% 0eing young# and ha,ing a big appetite# I !igured I ould be !ine a$$epting both% 5n that morning# I ate a light brea"!ast so I $ould heartily en/oy the !easting o! the day% +he !ather o! the !irst !amily as a $ompany e8e$uti,e# and the !amily had a lot o! money% I as sure it ould be a great meal% I arri,ed at their home at about 11'00 as re4uested% As I approa$hed the house# the aroma o! roasting tur"ey# pump"in pie# sage# and many other smells !illed the air# ma"ing my mouth ater% I as in,ited in# and spent some time ,isiting ith the !ather until dinner as ready% When e stepped into the dining room# I as ama=ed% Although there ere only the t o parents and t o $hildren# a table large enough to seat an army brigade as set and beauti!ully de$orated% It as loaded ith e,ery $on$ei,able type o! !ood !or the season% At one end sat pies o! e,ery ,ariety# outnumbering the people to eat them by at least t o to one% As e,eryone too" their pla$e at the table# I e8pressed my ama=ement that they $ould put together that mu$h !ood in one morning% +he mother blushed% 1A$tually# e /ust pur$hased most o! it already made% +he only thing I really $oo"ed as the tur"ey and the potatoes%3 0e!ore e ate# as as their tradition# the !ather o! the home $alled on ea$h one to share something !or hi$h they ere than"!ul% Ea$h member o! the !amily# amid the opulen$e that surrounded them# struggled to !ind something% +he !ather as grate!ul !or his /ob# the mother !or their ne $ar# the $hildren !or a ne bi"e# and a spe$ial doll% Home $oo"ed or not# the meal as onder!ul# and I ate until I $ould hardly addle my ay !rom the table% I en/oyed most o! the a!ternoon ith them be!ore heading to the se$ond dinner% +he se$ond home as a poor# immigrant !amily% +he !amily# in$luding $hildren !rom about E years old to beauti!ul teenaged daughters# e8$itedly greeted me hen I arri,ed% +here ere se,en $hildren in all# plus the parents# and they all li,ed in a small t o bedroom apartment% As e sat do n to dinner# the tur"ey as more li"ely a $hi$"en# and not a large one at that% 0ut e,en though the !ood as not !an$y# there as plenty o! bread# beans# and other simpler !oods !illing the table% A!ter e,eryone as seated# the !ather as"ed ea$h person to share hat they ere than"!ul !or% Starting ith the oldest daughter# ea$h $hild e8pressed than"s !or !ood# a ni$e pla$e to li,e# and espe$ially !or !amily% ?o one mentioned anything about material things# e8$ept !or the ne$essities o! li!e% When the !ather.s turn $ame# he be$ame emotional as he e8pressed# in his bro"en English# his lo,e and gratitude !or his !amily# his than"!ulness !or their ne $iti=enship in this great $ountry# and !or the !reedoms !rom tyranny that they en/oyed here% When it as my turn# the material possessions I had seemed insigni!i$ant% Instead# I thought o! my o n !amily at home# ho ould be en/oying their o n meal and praying !or my sa!ety as I as !ar a ay% I also loo"ed at the beauti!ul# smiling !a$es around me# and thought o! my ne !riends% A " ardly# I e8pressed my gratitude not !or things# but !or people > good people% +hen e ate hat as probably the simplest# and# yet# one o! the most satis!ying meals o! my li!e as I pondered my !uller understanding o! true than"!ulness%

In T'e Hot 5eat

I as a!raid I as going to be late !or or" on that $old# inter day# be$ause the tra!!i$ had $ome to a standstill% ;p ahead# there ere red# blue# and yello !lashing lights% -ust beyond them as a !ire engine# and beyond it# thi$"# bla$" smo"e billo ed into the s"y% A poli$eman e,entually $ame do n the ro o! $ars and as"ed us to turn do n a side street% I dro,e to a di!!erent par"ing lot than I had planned to par" in# and hi"ed my ay a$ross $ampus# ma"ing it to $lass ith only minutes to spare% +he ne8t day# Ali al"ed into my $lass and $ame up to my des" to tal" to me% 1(ro!essor Ho ard# I as ondering i! I $ould be e8$used !rom missing $lass yesterday# be$ause it asn.t my !ault%3 When I as"ed her hat the reason as# she ans ered by saying# 1Well# it.s a long story%3 Whene,er I hear that phrase# I !igure it ill probably be interesting% As a tea$her# I ha,e heard more e8$uses about missing $lass than I $an e,er $ount# but /ust hen I thin" I.,e heard them all# a ne one $rops up% Ali told me that her parents had pur$hased an old $ar !or her be$ause they had heard about Idaho.s !rigid inters and didn.t ant her to ha,e to al" e,ery here% She had de$ided to ta"e a longer trip to ;tah one ee"end# and on the ay ba$"# she started ha,ing $ar problems% She said the lights ere !li$"ering# and all o! the $ar.s ele$tri$al $omponents ere barely or"ing% +he ipers ould hardly "eep her indo $lear enough so she $ould see# and the heater !an had slo ed until it as only sputtering% She lu$"ily made it ba$" to her apartment# but she had no sooner arri,ed there than the $ar died $ompletely% She !ound a repair shop that $ould or" on it# and tal"ed a !riend into helping her to it there% +he me$hani$ $he$"ed it o,er# and told her that the alternator as almost totally !ried% He said it ould ha,e to be repla$ed% She as"ed him to hurry be$ause it as a !ully $old# and she didn.t ant to al" any more than she had to% A!ter a ee"# the me$hani$ !inally $alled and told her that the $ar as ready% 5ne o! her roommates agreed to gi,e her a ride to the shop to get it i!# in turn# Ali ould gi,e the roommate a ride ba$" to $ampus so the shop $ould do some or" on her $ar% A!ter she paid !or her $ar repair# Ali $limbed into her $ar and her roommate /umped into the passenger seat% +hey had /ust arri,ed ba$" at $ampus hen Ali turned to her roommate and e8$laimed# 19y butt is hot63 Her roommate turned to her in sho$"% 1Don.t you thin" that is a pretty egotisti$al thing to say2 0esides# ho told you that# your boy!riend23 1?o63 Ali s$reamed% 1I mean my butt is really hot63 Her roommate /ust rolled her eyes and loo"ed straight ahead# not planning to e,en respond to su$h a thing% 0ut at that moment# Ali s$reamed# hit the bra"es# and steered the $ar up onto the side al"# sending students darting !or sa!ety% Ali thre her $ar door open and /umped !rom the $ar /ust as the heated $ar seat burst into !lames% As a $ro d gathered# Ali dan$ed around and then plopped in a sno ban"# trying to $ool her ba$" side% 9ean hile# her roommate s$rambled !rom the $ar# hi$h as soon engul!ed in !lames% +he !ire tru$" $ame# but by the time it arri,ed# the $ar as a total loss% Ali said she !ound out that the me$hani$ had a$$identally bypassed the thermostat on the $ar seat heater%

1And i! I hear one more /o"e about me ha,ing a hot butt# someone is going to end up in intensi,e $are63 Ali said in $on$lusion% As !or me# I sti!led my grin# "ept my mouth shut# and e8$used the absen$e%

T'e 8elations'i1
9y i!e# Donna# as ne to the or$hestra# and she anted to ma"e !riends ith e,eryone% She introdu$ed hersel! to ea$h person# and most ere !riendly and $hatted ith her% 0ut the bassoonist didn.t so mu$h as smile hen Donna said hello% She /ust loo"ed up# nodded# and turned ba$" to her instrument% As the ee"s passed# Donna tried repeatedly to engage her in $on,ersation# but to no a,ail% She e,entually as"ed another member o! her $larinet se$tion about the young lady% 15h# you mean Susan#3 the other $larinetist replied% 1I doubt you ill e,er get her to say mu$h% I don.t thin" she has said three ords to me in the !i,e years that I ha,e been in the or$hestra% She usually "eeps to hersel!# and she doesn.t seem to ant mu$h to do ith the rest o! us%3 Donna didn.t ant to gi,e up% She "ne hat it !elt li"e to be in a group# and yet not really !eel part o! it% She thought that maybe Susan !elt that ay# so she "ept loo"ing !or the right sub/e$tG something that ould get her to open up% +hen# one day# she sa it% Susan had a ne engagement ring on her !inger% 1So# are you in a relationship23 Donna as"ed% &or the !irst time Susan loo"ed up and smiled% 15h# yes6 And it.s onder!ul63 1Ho long ha,e you "no n ea$h other23 Susan paused !or a moment to thin"% 1)et.s see% It ould be around ten years no % It is hard to belie,e it has been that long%3 1Wo 63 Donna replied% 1+hat.s 4uite a hile%3 17es# but it has been the best ten years o! my li!e% I ouldn.t trade them !or anything%3 1Is he good to you23 Donna as"ed% 17es# he is the best% In !a$t# I ould ha,e to say he is the best !riend I ha,e e,er had% He responds to my e,ery him# and does /ust hat I ant him to%3 1What.s his name23 Donna 4ueried !urther# ondering i! she might "no him% 1I $all him 0ob%3 17ou $all him 0ob23 17es% It is short !or *obert% *obert is a little too long%3 Donna nodded% 10ob is a ni$e name%3 17eah# I li"e it% It is easy to remember% 9y last one as +heodore% E,en shortened to +eddy it as /ust too long% 0ob is mu$h ni$er%3 1So hat do the t o o! you li"e to do together23 19ost o! the time e li"e to play 0a$h.s Sonata in :% 0ut sometimes# hen e !eel ad,enturous# e try the minute alt=%3 Susan laughed% 1I! you thin" that is tough on a $larinet# you ought to try it on a bassoon% It.s more li"e the t o minute hoedo n%3 +hey both laughed% Susan seemed to lo,e to tal" about 0ob% And Donna anted to "eep her tal"ing# hoping others in the or$hestra ould /oin in the $on,ersation and ma"e Susan really !eel part o! them% 1So here is he !rom23 1He.s !rom 0ra=il%3 10ra=il2 +hat is 4uite a ays a ay%3 17es#3 Susan ans ered% 10ut he is de!initely orth it%3 She then hugged her bassoon tightly to her% 10ob is the best bassoon in the orld%3

Donna.s sho$" must ha,e been e,ident# be$ause hen Susan 4uit embra$ing 0ob# she paused% She loo"ed at Donna.s !a$e# and reali=ed Donna as loo"ing at the ne ring% Susan.s !a$e !lushed red% 15h#3 she said# holding up her hand ith the engagement ring% 17ou ere tal"ing about this# eren.t you23 Donna nodded% 1Well#3 Susan said# 1his name is -ohn# and I guess he.s o"ay%3

T'e Year I Li.ed 'rist)as

It as Christmas E,e# and I as in ?e 7or"# a long ay !rom home% As e started our day# my asso$iate# 9ar"# as"ed me hat I had planned% 1+he main thing is the $hur$h Christmas so$ial tonight#3 I replied% 1Ho about e li,e the real Christmas story as told in 9atthe 25 ,erse H0 be!ore e go23 I "ne the Christmas story asn.t there# but he had an unusual seriousness about him# so I agreed% 1:ood63 he said% 1:et all o! your spare $ash%3 I hunted up I20 and put it in my allet% ?e8t he had me gather the le!to,er $oo"ies and $andy !rom my pa$"ages !rom home% &inally he as"ed i! I had more than one $oat% When I told him I had t o# he told me to put one on and $arry the other% We stepped into the $old morning air# ea$h o! us $arrying some bags and a se$ond $oat% We too" the bus to the orst part o! to n# and al"ed a !e blo$"s !urther% We $ame a$ross a ragged loo"ing man sitting by a building% 9ar" stopped in !ront o! him% 1Sir# are you hungry23 +he man loo"ed up# a dullness in his eyes that seemed to 4uestion hether e ere really spea"ing to him% 9ar" spo"e again% 1Could you use a loa! o! bread23 +he man nodded# and 9ar" pulled !ood !rom his bag and handed it to him% +he man ripped the pa$"age open and hungrily stu!!ed three !ull sli$es into his mouth% 1Ho long has it been sin$e you.,e eaten23 9ar" as"ed% +he man /ust shrugged# so e turned and headed on our ay% We al"ed do n the street and stopped by a small $orner store% Inside# e $ould hear the manager !or$e!ully say# 1I.m sorry# but I don.t ha,e anything !or you%3 We at$hed as the man he as spea"ing to de/e$tedly al"ed !rom the store% His $oat as threadbare# and he as unsha,en and grimy% 17our turn#3 9ar" said# nudging me !or ard% A " ardly I held out a loa! o! bread% 1Could you use some !ood23 I as"ed% +he man stopped% He started to rea$h out his hand and then pulled ba$"% 1I.m not a beggar% I as only as"ing !or or" to earn hat I ould eat%3 I as lost as to hat to do ne8t# so 9ar" stepped in% 1And e are not /ust gi,ing it to you% When you ha,e an opportunity to help others# you $an pay us ba$" by doing something !or someone else%3 +he man nodded# and than"!ully too" the !ood I o!!ered% We ,isited brie!ly hile he ate# !inding out that he had lost his /ob and his home% He i!e and $hildren ere in a shelter# but men eren.t allo ed there% 0e!ore lea,ing# I remembered the e8tra $oat and rapped it around his shoulders% He stopped eating long enough to hug me# tears streaming do n his !a$e% As e $ontinued on our ay# I learned !rom 9ar" that# at 1F# he had had a !ight ith his !ather# and had run a ay !rom home% &or t o years he had li,ed on the streets until he $ould o,er$ome his pride and return home% 1Ea$h year sin$e then# I ha,e done this# and I learned hat the real Christmas story is#3 he said% I told him I had heard some o! those ho begged eren.t as bad o!! as they pretended% He said it as true# and he "ne men that begged !or a li,ing# ma"ing o,er a thousand dollars on some days% 15!ten a person has to see" out the ones that really need it% 0ut I.d rather be guilty o! gi,ing to someone that didn.t need it than not gi,ing to someone ho did%3 We spent the day handing out !ood# stopping here and there to pur$hase more% As e,ening approa$hed# and e turned to head home# I o!!ered the last o! my bread to an old man ho sat

huddled in a door ay% His eyes ere sun"en in and his !a$e as thin% Shi,ering# he $ouldn.t spea" as he nodded his than"s and started to eat% I ished I had something more% +hen I thought o! my $oat lining% I =ipped it out and rapped it around his old shoulders% As e turned to head home# I !inally understood hat 9ar" meant about li,ing the real Christmas story% 1And the Jing shall ans er and say unto them#%%%Inasmu$h as ye ha,e done it unto one o! the least o! these my brethren# ye ha,e done it unto me%3

T'e Mysterious Broken ,aterer

We $ame out to the barn on that $old De$ember morning to !ind the $o s. aterer bro"en# and the ater !looding the barn and i$ing o,er% It as a huge mess% 9y dad $ussed% 1?ot again6 +his is the third time this ee"63 +he aterer had a small trough on the top o! it that !illed automati$ally as the $o s dran"% A aterer as essential# sin$e no tan" as big enough to hold the ater needed !or the K0 $o s in our herd% Ea$h $o $ould easily drin" E0 gallons per day% 1What I $an.t understand#3 my dad $ontinued# 1is ho it "eeps getting bro"en% ;sually there ould be dents on the outside !rom the $o s banging it# but the trough is al ays busted do n ard !rom the top%3 We had put all sorts o! posts and boards around the sides to a,oid the damage that usually $omes !rom $o s bunting and pushing% 0ut Dad as rightG none o! that "ind o! damage e,er seemed to be the problem% +he ne8t day as the !irst day o! Christmas brea"# and e $ame out to !ind the aterer bro"en again% 9y dad as !urious% 1I ant you to sit in the lo!t and at$h until e $an !ind out hat the de,il is happening63 A!ter $hores# I got mysel! a boo"# and settled in to my assigned tas"% +he $o s hung around the aterer li"e gossiping employees around a ater $ooler% +hey bunted and tussled no and then# but nothing o! any $onse4uen$e happened% When Dad $ame home !rom or"# I had nothing to report% I reminded him that# a!ter all# the damage al ays seemed to o$$ur at night% I told him that I ould ta"e up my at$h again a!ter supper% He agreed# but told me not to stay so long I didn.t get at least a !air night.s sleep% As almost e,eryone else headed o!! to bed# I ent to the barn and too" up my !ormer position% 9ost o! the $o s had laid do n !or the night# but a !e ere /ust !inishing eating% Some o! them $ame and dran"# but e,en they ere soon bedded do n% When I had been there !or about t o hours# and nothing had e,en ta"en a drin" !or the last hal! hour# I de$ided to gi,e up% I had /ust stood to lea,e hen our bull approa$hed the aterer% 9u$h to my surprise# he didn.t drin"# but hat he did made me gasp% I $ouldn.t belie,e my eyes and at$hed !or another ten minutes to ma"e sure I as seeing hat I thought I as seeing% When I as positi,e# I slid !rom the lo!t and rushed to the house% Almost e,eryone as in bed hen I burst in% 1I "no hat the problem is63 I too" a minute to $at$h my breath# and then I started to e8plain% 15n$e the $o s are bedded do n !or the night# they aren.t drin"ing anymore% Without $old ater $ontinually !lo ing in# the heater on the trough that "eeps it !rom !ree=ing heats the ater to a lu"e arm%3 I stopped# and my dad prodded me% 1+hat.s true# but hat has that got to do ith the bro"en aterer23 I suddenly reali=ed ho stupid hat I as about to say as going to sound% 1I thin" maybe you ought to $ome see this !or yoursel!%3 9y dad put on his $oat# and a !e o! my brothers# ho ere still a a"e and ere $urious# $ame along% We traipsed out to the barn# and $limbed to my pre,ious position in the lo!t% I hoped the bull ould still be there# and as grate!ul to !ind that he as% 9y dad too" it all in !or a !e minutes# and then !inally spo"e% 17ou.re right% I! I hadn.t seen it# I ouldn.t ha,e belie,ed it%3

5ur t o>and>a>hal! ton bull stood ith his eyes dreamily $losed# his !ront hoo,es in the aterer# letting the arm ater s irl around his !eet% +he mystery as sol,edG our bull had been using the aterer as his o n personal !oot spa%

% 8elati.e Disaster
+he $hur$h bulletin $arried a noti$e !or a genealogy $lass that as going to be o!!ered in our lo$al $ommunity% A !riend o! mine /o"ed that I ought to ta"e it to help me !ind out hy I.m so nutty% 19aybe you ill learn that you ha,e had s4uirrels in your !amily tree%3 1<ery !unny#3 I replied% 0ut I must admit that the thought intrigued me% I ha,e some old aunts that or" on this "ind o! thing all o! the time% +hey $an tell me ho my an$estors are ba$" to some here around ten generations be!ore Adam and E,e% 0ut I had ne,er done mu$h ith it mysel!# so I de$ided to gi,e it a go% When I arri,ed at the designated $lassroom# I sa ro s and ro s o! $omputers% +he instru$tor greeted me and told me to ta"e a seat at any o! them% I $hose one that loo"ed good# here I ould also ha,e an unobstru$ted ,ie o! the s$reen at the !ront% As the other students !iled in# I !ound I "ne most o! them% A neighbor too" one o! the seats ne8t to me% She said it as her se$ond time ta"ing the $lass% 1Is it that hard23 I as"ed% 15h# no#3 she laughed% 1It.s /ust that it allo s me to use the $ommer$ial so!t are !or !ree%3 When the $lass !inally started# the instru$tor sho ed us some things# and then let us try it on our o n% Some# li"e my neighbor# ere busily or"ing a ay# not needing any instru$tion% We had been as"ed to bring our !amily $hart !illed out as !ar ba$" as e $ould% I had it done to my grandparents% It asn.t long be!ore I had all o! the in!ormation !or my great grandparents and as or"ing my ay ba$" to my pioneer an$estors and their !amilies% While I as loo"ing up material on them# I noti$ed that one o! my Hth great un$les as one o! my neighbor.s Hth great grand!athers% 1Wo # loo" at that63 I said to her% 1We.re related%3 1?ot really#3 she replied% 1+he person you are loo"ing at as not really my distant great grand!ather% I am a$tually a des$endant o! the !irst husband%3 15h# really23 I as"ed# some hat surprised% 1His i!e had more than one husband2 I ha,en.t !ound anything on that%3 1+hat.s probably be$ause our !amily doesn.t li"e to tal" about him mu$h%3 1Why23 I as"ed% 9y neighbor smiled a sheepish smile and told me the story% +he lady.s !irst husband# -ohn# de$ided to mo,e his !amily to the Sna"e *i,er <alley to homestead% As most !amilies did# they built their $abin near the ri,er here they ould ha,e ample ater# as ell as easy a$$ess to the ild game that used the ri,er% 0ut not long a!ter he !inished their $abin# other settlers reported problems ith Indian a$ti,ity in the area% -ohn e8pressed his $on$ern as to hether they ould be able to de!end themsel,es i! they ere atta$"ed% +he lo$al tribe as mostly lo$ated in the land !arther south on the other side o! the ri,er# and he !igured i! they $ame# they ould $ome !rom that dire$tion% 0ut near here their $abin as lo$ated# the ri,er as ide and shallo % 1I.m not sure our old gun $an !ire $lear a$ross the ri,er to stop them#3 he told his i!e% 1I am going to go o,er there# and I ill a,e to you# and you !ire the gun at me% I ill let you "no i! I !eel anything%3

1And that#3 my neighbor told me# 1is hy she ended up needing another husband# and hy no one tal"s too mu$h about the !irst one%3

Dealin+ ,it' lass o)1laints

In our uni,ersity math department# hen it $omes to $hoosing $lasses to tea$h# e do it on a rotation system% Starting ith the person at the top o! the list# e,eryone $hooses one $lass% +hen e start o,er at the top o! the list again# ith ea$h person $hoosing their se$ond one% We $ontinue this pro$ess until e,eryone has their !ull tea$hing assignment% +hen# the person at the top o! the list rotates to the bottom !or the ne8t semester% I had /ust rotated to the bottom o! the list# so it asn.t a surprise that# by the time e got to my !ourth $hoi$e# the only $lass le!t !or me as the one nobody really li"ed to tea$h% It $onsisted almost entirely o! girls ho ere planning to be$ome elementary s$hool tea$hers# and i! they hated anything# it as math% I had taught the $lass be!ore# and endured the ne,er ending hining% 1Why do e ha,e to learn this stupid stu!!23 5!ten# the girls ould $ome into my o!!i$e in tears# $omplaining about ho hard the math as# suggesting that I as mean to be ma"ing them learn it% I ha,e a hard time dealing ith a young lady.s tears# e,en i! the real reason !or them is a$tually their la$" o! diligen$e% Ho e,er# o,er the years# I noti$ed that my !emale $olleagues not only handled the girls. tears better# but had less $omplaining as ell% So I ent to one o! them and as"ed !or ad,i$e% She smiled and e8plained ho she used a pretest to head o!! $omplaints in the beginning% +hus# on the !irst day o! $lass# I arri,ed at the $lassroom armed ith a ta"e>home e8am% It had 50 4uestions# $ould be done open boo"# and it ouldn.t $ount !or ,ery many points% I introdu$ed it by saying that it as an o,er,ie o! all o! the material e ould be $o,ering through the semester# and ould help both them and me see hat they "ne % As they loo"ed through it# they $omplained loudly% +hey !elt it as too hard# too mu$h or"# and not !air to e8pe$t on the !irst day% 0ut# i! the $omplaints ere loud then# they ere nothing in $omparison to hat happened at the ne8t $lass period hen it as due% 1I ent through the boo" loo"ing !or those 4uestions# and I $ouldn.t !ind them#3 one girl $omplained% 1I !igured i! I $ould !ind the 4uestions I $ould !ind the ans er in the ba$" and !igure them out%3 1+he e8a$t 4uestions aren.t there#3 I replied# 1but the $on$epts are%3 1Well# I don.t "no hy you are asting our time on this stupid stu!!#3 one girl said de!iantly% 1I plan to tea$h grade s$hool# not tea$h math%3 All o! the other girls added their agreement# and their tone rose almost to that o! rebellion# /ust as my $olleague said it ould% 1What grades ill you tea$h in grade s$hool23 I as"ed% 1&irst through si8th#3 $ame the reply% 1Do you thin" you ill tea$h any math in those grades23 15nly simple add and subtra$t stu!!#3 one young lady said in a $austi$ tone% 1*eally23 I as"ed% 17es# really63 she said# and e,eryone agreed ith her% +hat as hen I re,ealed something to them% 1I told you I didn.t ta"e the 4uestions !rom your te8t boo"% +hat is be$ause they $ame !rom the !i!th grade math te8t used at the lo$al grade s$hool > the stu!! you ,ery li"ely ill be tea$hing%3 Suddenly# the room ent ,ery still as I $ontinued% 15ur goal is to help you understand this material so that hen you step in !ront o! the students# you $an tea$h ith $on!iden$e%3

&inally# one timid ,oi$e spo"e !rom the ba$"% 1(erhaps it would be good i! e learned it%3 And# though the $omplaints ne,er !ully ended# e mo,ed !or ard ith !ar !e er than e,er be!ore%

7eys Of 'rist)ases Past

Christmas as o,er# and my married daughter de$ided it as time to ta"e do n the tree% ?o one really anted to do it% E,erybody lo,ed the tree ith its spar"ling tinsel# its glo ing lights# and its shining ornaments% 0ut# sooner or later# the spa$e a Christmas tree ta"es up in a house needs to be reallo$ated to other things% Celese tal"ed to her husband# -immy# about it% He agreed it as time to pa$" the Christmas de$orations into storage !or another year% +hey made the de$ision that they ould do it the ne8t day right a!ter -immy got home !rom or"% 0ut all o! that $hanged the ne8t morning hen# as -immy prepared to head to or"# he $ould not !ind his "eys% -immy or"s !or the ?a,y at a eapons resear$h !a$ility# and losing "eys as not a small matter% Celese and -immy turned their house upside do n loo"ing !or them until he as late !or or"# but the "eys seemed to ha,e /ust disappeared% -immy had to !ind other ays to ma"e do all day at or" > borro ing Celese.s "eys so he $ould dri,e there% Celese# mean hile# $ontinued to hunt all o,er the house% When -immy got home# all thoughts o! anything# besides !inding the "eys# ere set aside% 0o8ing up the Christmas de$orations ould ha,e to ait% +he hole !amily /oined in the sear$h# but the "eys ere no here to be !ound% Almost a ee" and a hal! passed# ith the !amily spending e,ery !ree minute $ontinuing the sear$h% +hey loo"ed o,er and o,er in e,ery pla$e they $ould imagine the "eys $ould be# and some they $ouldn.t imagine% -immy and Celese sat do n and tried to retra$e e,ery step -immy had ta"en on the day pre,ious to hen they ere lost% 1+he only thing I $an remember !or sure about them#3 he said# 1is that I used them to dri,e home that day% And e didn.t go any here a!ter that# so they ha,e to be some here in or around the house%3 +hey $onsidered the ,ehi$les# and ent through both o! them# but no "eys% +hey thought about the dog# and $he$"ed his house and the spot in hi$h he li"ed to bury bones% Still no "eys% +he dog# !or his part# as not pleased to ha,e them raiding hat he $onsidered his ban" a$$ount% +hey ent through e,ery in$h o! the house and !ound many lost things# but not the "eys% Celese as getting !rustrated ha,ing the hole house torn apart as they pulled things out o! $upboards# storage areas# and e,en the !ree=er% +he tension as beginning to ear on the hole !amily% &inally# e8asperated# -immy determined that he ould /ust ha,e to do the unen,iable tas" o! reporting the "eys missing# and re4uest a ne set% 1Well# then#3 Celese said# 1maybe e should put the house ba$" together and pa$" a ay Christmas so e $an $arry on normally again%3 -immy agreed# "no ing that ha,ing the house organi=ed on$e more ould help them all !eel less agitated% He ,olunteered to ta"e do n the Christmas tree hile Celese sta$"ed things ba$" into the $upboards% 0ut as -immy as ta"ing apart the tree# he !ound something une8pe$ted% +here# hanging on a lo bran$h# ere his "eys% +here as no doubt about ho had put them there% +heir t oyear> old son# )u"e# lo,ed "eys and he lo,ed the Christmas tree% As -immy pulled them !rom the tree.s bran$h# )u"e laughed happily% 1( etty Chismas t ee%3 -immy pulled his little son onto his lap !or a hug% 17es# pretty Christmas tree%3

And hen -immy $alled out the ne s# the rest o! the !amily gathered around and en/oyed a good laugh at the /o"e the Christmas tree held as the !inal surprise o! the season%

T'e #oy Of Learnin+

All 100 seats in the $lassroom ere !ull that !irst day o! the semester% +he $lass as $alled 1Intermediate Algebra3# and e,eryone as re4uired to ta"e it or test out% I stru$tured my $lass so that I le$tured !or hal! the hour in a side room !or those ho anted a le$ture# and then I /oined my team o! tutors !or the other hal! to help indi,idual students% 9ath is ne,er the most popular $lass# and there as a lot grumbling as I laid out the semester re4uirements% +o !inish# a person needed to pass K tests% Although no one as allo ed to !all behind# they $ould or" ahead and !inish early i! they anted to% In all o! my ten years o! tea$hing there# no one had e,er !inished early% 0ut that semester ould be di!!erent% A young man !rom a !oreign $ountry do,e into the material li"e I had ne,er seen anyone do be!ore% Instead o! or"ing through a se$tion in t o days# he ould !inish !our or !i,e se$tions e,ery day% Within t o ee"s he as almost done ith hat ould ta"e the rest o! the students 15 ee"s to $omplete# and he did it ith nearly per!e$t s$ores on e,ery test% I as stunned by this# and as"ed him i! he had already had the $lass be!ore% 15h# no#3 he said in his thi$" a$$ent% 1I not ha,e any algebra at all%3 I as surprised% +his $lass as a$tually the e4ui,alent o! high s$hool Algebra 2% A person should ha,e at least ta"en the !irst algebra $ourse be!ore this one% I "ne ho mu$h or" this $lass ould be ithout it# so I 4uestioned him !urther# and he assured me he hadn.t had any math besides basi$ arithmeti$% 1Is this the only $ourse you are ta"ing# then23 I as"ed% He shoo" his head% 15h# no% 9e signed up !or 20 $redits%3 +his time I as so ama=ed I $ould hardly tal"% A !ull load is 12 $redits% A really !ull load is 1D% 0ut to ta"e 20 and !inish an algebra $ourse in 2 ee"s# ha,ing to put in e8tra time to do it# as absolutely phenomenal% When I as"ed him hy he ould ta"e so many $redits# he spo"e enthusiasti$ally% 19e /ust ant to learn6 Is so e8$iting63 He then told me that in his $ountry there ere t o $astes o! people% In the lo er $aste# the young people ere ta"en out o! s$hool at about the e4ui,alent o! our si8th grade% +hey ere put to or" doing manual labor% ?ot only ere they not gi,en the opportunity to learn# but i! they tried# they $ould !a$e retribution% He said that hen he as ta"en !rom s$hool# he as assigned to or" on a $re that as digging a $anal by hand% When he !inished there# he or"ed digging !ields# preparing them !or planting% He said he anted so badly to be learning instead# but as not allo ed to% He $ontinued% 10ut !inally# one day# I do some small thing that ma"e it so me get Ameri$an sponsor so $ome $ollege here%3 1And no #3 he !inished ith a happy grin# 1the hard part is to $hoose hat learn !irst% So many things is hard !or me de$ide% 9e ant learn e,erything63 His e8$itement made me ponder% What i! I as not allo ed to learn2 Would it mean more to me than it does2 Do I ta"e my easy a$$ess to boo"s# maga=ine# and innumerable other resour$es !or granted2 0ut there as one other burning 4uestion to hi$h I as dying to "no the ans er% So hen he !inished the $ourse a day or so later and $ame to $he$" on his !inal grade# I as"ed% 10y the ay# hat did you do that got you an Ameri$an sponsor23

15h# nothing that big# really% I /ust on medal in 5lympi$s%3 And ith that he le!t me# again in sho$"# as he happily hurried o!! to his ne8t $lass%

Your Tou+'est O11onent Is Yourself

As e ere preparing to eigh in !or the big restling tournament# I as reading the sign that as dire$tly o,er the s$ale hen the young man beside me spo"e to me% 1So# hat eight do you restle at23 15ne>si8ty>se,en#3 I replied He rea$hed out his hand to sha"e mine% 19e too% ?ame.s -ohn%3 1Daris#3 I said# as I shoo" his hand% We ,isited a minute# and then he leaned to ard me a bit and hispered% 1Hey6 I.,e heard there is really only one restler in our eight that you ha,e to be $are!ul o!%3 15h63 I replied% 1Who is that23 He glan$ed ner,ously around# and then hispered 4uieter still% 1His name is AHo ard.# and he.s !rom South &remont%3 I as ta"en aba$" at hearing my o n name# but I !elt I did a master!ul /ob o! hiding my surprise% When I re$o,ered and as !inally able to spea"# I as"ed him hat he had heard about the South &remont restler% I soon !ound mysel! on the re$ei,ing end o! one o! the most interesting des$riptions o! mysel! I ha,e e,er heard% A$$ording to hat he shared# I as pretty mu$h a legend# ri,aling (aul 0unyan% +hough some o! hat he said as true# most o! it had been $ompletely blo n up into in$redibly tall tales% He said he had it on good authority that I had bro"en the leg or arm o! almost e,ery restler I had $ome up against% He said he had heard that no one had e,er lasted past the !irst round ith me% He e,en $laimed that there ere $oa$hes ho said they ould rather de!ault and not ha,e one o! their team members restle me than $han$e ha,ing them get hurt% It may ha,e been true that I had been in some ,ery !ier$e mat$hes# but they ere that ay be$ause o! tough opponents% +he mat$hes ere hard !ought due to the intensity o! the $ompetition% I ould ne,er hurt anyone on purpose# and I only "ne o! one young man that had been hurt restling me% And that a$$ident as $aused more by his ine8perien$e than by anything on my part% I $onsidered telling that to this young man# and telling him ho I as# but I didn.t "no ho to go about it% A!ter eigh>in# the $oa$hes met to determine ho ea$h restler ould be seated in the tournament% When the list as posted# the restlers hurried o,er to loo" at it% I too" my time getting there# and by the time I arri,ed# the other restler had already $he$"ed it out% He hung his head as I as"ed him about his dra % 1Can you belie,e my rotten lu$"23 he replied% 1I restle Ho ard on the !irst round%3 I told him that Ho ard as /ust an intense restler and not out to hurt anyone% 1Ha,e you restled him be!ore23 he as"ed% 1I /ust "no him%3 1I hope you.re right#3 he replied% When it $ame time !or our mat$h# he al"ed de/e$tedly to the mat% When I lined up a$ross !rom him he loo"ed up# and I $ould see the sho$" in his eyes% 1He.s you263 I nodded% 1And I.m not out to hurt anybody% -ust restle%3 0ut it ended up being the shortest mat$h I ha,e e,er restled% He as pinned in about E0 se$onds% I "ind o! !elt sorry !or him%

When I stepped o!! the mat# my $oa$h said he.d ne,er seen su$h a !ast pin% I /ust shrugged% 1It asn.t really my doing%3 9y $oa$h loo"ed $on!used% 1What do you mean23 1Well#3 I replied# 1the truth is# he as his o n orst opponent# and beat himsel! long be!ore he e,er stepped on the mat%3 +hat as hen I remembered the ords on the sign o,er the s$ale hen e ere eighing in# and reali=ed ho true they are% 1Attitude determines altitude% I! you thin" you $an# or you thin" you $an.t# you.re right%3

Old Hickory : T'e Board Of ;ducation

I stopped to pi$" up a ,ideo and ran into )enny# hom I hadn.t seen in years% He greeted me# and then he as"ed# 1Do you remember in si8th grade hen 9rs% 9% paddled you23 I as"ed him hy that as the thing he al ays remembered about me% 1Well# shoot63 he said% 17ou ere the tea$her.s pet# and# yet# you ere the only one she e,er paddled hersel!63 It as true% Her poli$y as that she ne,er paddled anyone% Instead# she made the o!!enders paddle ea$h other# and they had to do it until she !elt they got it right > meaning hard enough% +he paddle# hi$h hung prominently on the all# as shaped li"e a tennis ra$"et# about an in$h thi$"# and $ut out o! hea,y 1unbrea"able3 ood% It had holes drilled through it% 5n one side as ritten 10oard o! edu$ation3 and on the other ere the ords 15ld Hi$"ory3% 7ou might say I as the tea$her.s pet# only be$ause I al ays did my or" 4ui$"ly and e!!i$iently# and then I read% I li"ed to read% I read almost hal! o! the boo"s in the $ity library that year# starting ith all o! the Hardy 0oys series% As !or that !ate!ul &riday# it as almost time !or s$hool to get out !or the day hen 9rs% 9% de$ided to run to the o!!i$e !or supplies% Some students or"ed on home or"# and others did end>o!> ee" $leaning% )enny as supposed to ipe the thi$" $hal" !rom the $hal" trays that had a$$umulated all ee"% Instead# he started /uggling the erasers% He lost hold o! one# and it boun$ed a$ross a $ouple o! des"s and landed s4uarely in my lap# lea,ing a big# hite mar"% I tossed it ba$" at him# but he /umped out o! the ay# and it sma$"ed Susan soundly in the $hest% She s4uealed and hurled it ba$" in my dire$tion% Her aim as bad# and she hit Sally% Sally loo"ed at the $hal" on her pretty blue blouse# grabbed the eraser# and mar$hed to ard Susan% Susan retreated and got an eraser o! her o n% I had arily gone ba$" to my reading hen I heard )enny tell them it as my !ault% 0oth girls turned and thre their erasers in my dire$tion% I du$"ed# and both rebounded o!! the all# hitting other students% I al"ed to the $hal"boards on our side o! the room and tossed a $ouple o! erasers to those ho had been hit% I then too" a big one !or mysel!# slid it along the tray to !ill it !ull o! $hal"# and turned to ard )enny% He held his hands up to ard me% 1?o # don.t go doing anything stupid63 I thre the eraser hard at him# /ust as the others thre theirs at Susan and Sally% )enny du$"ed# but I planned !or that and aimed lo % As all o! the erasers hit# an atomi$ mushroom $loud o! $hal" dust rose !rom that side o! the room% Immediately# those in the general ,i$inity ra$ed !or e,ery eraser they $ould !ind% Within minutes# the room as a storm o! erasers !lying ba$" and !orth% +he dust gre so dense it loo"ed li"e an early morning !og had settled in% )enny thre a big eraser# hi$h hit me in the shoulder# and# in response# I on$e more slid it along the $hal" tray to !ill it% As I raised my arm to thro it# )enny started ba$"pedaling% -ust as I let it !ly# 9rs% 9% stepped into the room% She yelled# 1What the de,il is%%%63# but she ne,er !inished# be$ause )enny du$"ed# and the eraser hit her right in the !a$e% It le!t her ith a hite stripe# ma"ing her loo" li"e a horse ith a bla=e do n its nose% During the moment it too" !or her to blin" the dust !rom her eyes and $ough it !rom her throat# e,eryone s$rambled !or their seatsG e,eryone but me% I stood there in sho$"% 9y only hope

as that she hadn.t seen it as me through the dust $loud% 0ut it didn.t matter any ay# be$ause hen she as"ed ho started it# e,eryone turned and pointed in my dire$tion% LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL 1I thin" it as all orth it seeing that big hite stripe do n her !a$e#3 )enny laughed% 1+hat#3 I gro led# 1is be$ause it asn.t your rear end she bro"e the paddle o,er63

$ettin+ 5tuck ,it' Pinnin+ On % orsa+e

It as going to be my son.s !irst !ormal dan$e# and I $ould hardly ait% ?ot be$ause I as ready !or my son to be gro n up and doing gro n up things# but be$ause it as my turn to at$h him e8perien$e that horri!i$ e,ent in a man.s li!e' pinning his !irst $orsage on his date% I $ould remember ell my !irst time% It as a <alentine.s Day dan$e# and girls. $hoi$e% It as also my ,ery !irst date% :oing to a !ormal dan$e on a !irst date is a !ormidable $hallenge% ?ot only as I ner,ous about trying to !igure out the hole dating thing# but I had to add# on top o! that# all the e8tras !or the dan$e% 9y mom tried to help% She told me I ould need a $orsage# and she ould order it i! I ould tell her hat $olor% I as"ed the girl hat $olor she as earing# but it as one I didn.t re$ogni=e# one that as outside the normal ,o$abulary o! those o! us o! the male gender% Within ten minutes I $ouldn.t remember it at all# and I didn.t dare as" my date again# or she ould "no I had !orgotten% So I as"ed )enny% He said I ould be sa!e to /ust get red% 1+hat is a good $olor !or hen you bleed all o,er it%3 I didn.t "no hat he as tal"ing about# but it sounded good to me# so I told my mom to get red% +he day !inally arri,ed# and I apprehensi,ely made the dri,e to the girl.s house% She# o! $ourse# as not 4uite ready# and I as in,ited to $ome in and sit in a $hair that as dire$tly a$ross !rom the one in hi$h her !ather as sitting% He as a man o! !e ords# and he mostly /ust stared at me% 0y the time my date $ame into the room# I as s eating pro!usely% She as absolutely beauti!ul# and that added to my ner,ousness% Her go n as pin"# and I !elt relie,ed that red as $lose to pin"% 0ut# hen I sho ed the !lo er to her# the glan$e she e8$hanged ith her mother made me onder i! I had made a mista"e% E,entually# it as time to pin the !lo ers on% +he hole !amily gathered around !or the e,ent% 9y date pulled out the pin" boutonniere she had pur$hased# rea$hed her hand under my lapel# and de!tly pinned the !lo er on% +hen it as my turn% I asn.t 4uite sure ho to do it% I ob,iously $ouldn.t /ust sti$" the pin through her dress# !or I ould surely po"e her ith it% Almost e,eryone had a suggestion on ho best to do it# and my date /ust stood there smiling and aiting% When one sister suggested I rea$h /ust beneath the ne$"line o! the dress# my $ourage !altered# and I suggested her mother do it% Her mother laughed% 1I don.t thin" so% +his is one o! the !un traditions o! a !ormal dan$e' to at$h you pin on the $orsage%3 I too" a deep breath and made the attempt% I ran the pin so deep into my !inger that I thought I as going to pin me to her dress instead o! the !lo er# and I instantly understood hat )enny had meant about bleeding all o,er it% A!ter multiple attempts# and the loss o! most o! my blood# the $orsage as !inally in pla$e% E,eryone $lapped# embarrassing me !urther% LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL So# no it as my son.s turn% I at$hed as his date 4ui$"ly pinned on his boutonniere% I grinned as he rea$hed !or her $orsage% 0ut# to my surprise# the !lo er had a little strap on it# and he /ust slipped it onto her rist% 9y grin turned to surprise% 1Aren.t you going to pin it on her23 He shoo" his head% 1+hat.s the old>!ashioned ay# Dad%3

With a last pi$ture# they ere on their ay% A!ter they ere gone# I turned to my i!e% 1Someho # I !eel li"e li!e /ust $heated me%3

% 5now Mac'ine %nd % <aluable Lesson

I heard the sound o! a sno ma$hine engine pulling hard# and I "ne that either one o! my s$outs as getting into deep po der# or he as brea"ing rules and riding his ma$hine a$ross the ri,er% It as s$out month# and e had de$ided !or our outing ith the oldest s$outs that e ould sno ma$hine in to the &orest Ser,i$e $abin at Warm *i,er Springs% Warm *i,er Springs is a beauti!ul pla$e !ar ba$" in the oods% It is e8tremely isolated# and the solitude is enhan$ed by the sno # bro"en only by the rush o! the ater $as$ading out o! the hillside% We arri,ed there /ust be!ore dar"# and 4ui$"ly set up the $abin% A!ter a meal o! stea" and ba"ed potatoes# e told ghost stories# then ent to bed% +he ne8t morning# the boys 4ui$"ly do ned the pan$a"es# eggs# and ba$on# an8ious to head out and do a bit more sno mobiling be!ore e headed ba$"% +here ere some !un hills to $limb# and some good trails% 0ut I had some rules% 0esides sa!ety# there as one more thing I insisted on% +he boys li"ed to $hallenge ea$h other to see i! they $ould sno mobile a$ross the ri,er% 0y getting up enough speed# they $ould use their ma$hines mu$h li"e a /et s"i and !ly along on top o! the ater% +he problem ith this is that a sno ma$hine is mu$h hea,ier than a /et s"i# and tends to ride lo er in the ater% I didn.t li"e them doing this !or three reasons% &irst# i! they e,er had a problem# e ould be $aught ith a sno ma$hine sun" in the ri,er hi$h e ould ha,e to e8tra$t% Se$ondly# the ma$hines $hurned the ater deep enough that it destroyed the moss and other ,egetation in the ri,er# disrupting the e$osystem% +he third reason as that it as basi$ally illegal% 0e!ore I let them start their a$ti,ities# I arned them one last time about obeying the rules# and they all promised they ould% 0ut it asn.t long be!ore I heard that telltale sound% I slipped outside and !ound my !ears ere $on!irmed% + o o! the boys had $hallenged ea$h other to see i! ea$h $ould do hat the other as doing% I at$hed as they $rossed ba$" and !orth a$ross the ri,er a $ouple o! times% &rustrated# I started al"ing in their dire$tion% 0ut /ust as I did# one o! them turned his ma$hine to !ollo the ri,er to the $abin% Instead o! about a H0 yard $rossing it ould be about 200 yards on top o! the ater% +he se$ond boy !ollo ed% +he !irst boy made the hole length and rea$hed the ban" /ust as his ma$hine as starting to sputter% +he se$ond boy as mo,ing along ell% And e,en though I as upset# I hoped he ould ma"e it so e didn.t ha,e to !ish him and his ma$hine out% 0ut hen he as only about 20 yards !rom the ban"# the !ront s"i o! his ma$hine hit a sun"en log hidden belo the sur!a$e% +he !ront o! the ma$hine popped up# and then do,e into the ri,er# !illing the engine ith ater# and bringing it to a sudden stop% We all gathered on the ban"# and I $ould !eel my !rustration building as his ma$hine started to sin"% He stood up on it as it as it $ontinued to settle deeper% When the ater started rising up around his an"les# he yelled to us% 1Hey# you guys6 Do something63 +he other boys loo"ed at me# 4uestioningly# so I !igured I did need to do something% And indeed# at that point# I did do something% I applauded his less>than>stellar per!orman$e% 1+hat.s not hat I meant63 he yelled%

)ater# as he slid into the aist deep i$e ater to tie a rope to his ma$hine so e $ould pull it out# I thought that maybe# /ust maybe# one boy had learned a ,aluable lesson that day%

%lways To+et'er
Immediately a!ter I rang the doorbell# I heard )o ell.s ,oi$e !rom inside# in,iting me to $ome in% As I stepped into the room# he let out a happy $hu$"le% 1Well# 9other# loo" hat the dog dragged in%3 I laughed as he in,ited me to pull up a $hair% It had been a hile sin$e I had been o,er !or a ,isit% )o ell and )u$ille ere some o! my !a,orite people > good# do n>to>earth $ountry !ol"# al ays positi,e# and !ull o! stories% 1Ho are your $hi$"ens doing23 )o ell as"ed% )o ell had raised $hi$"ens !or as long as I $ould remember% He as more pro!i$ient at it than anyone I "ne # ha,ing per!e$ted it to a s$ien$e% 17ou "no #3 he said# 1it as )u$ille.s !ault e raised $hi$"ens% I didn.t ant the disgusting things# but she insisted she ould ta"e $are o! them% 0ut hen she got si$"# you $an guess ho got the /ob63 15h# !iddlesti$"s63 )u$ille snorted% 17ou "no darn ell you ere more atta$hed to those $hi$"ens than anyone63 She then turned to me% 17ou "no # sin$e )o ell retired# he has pretty mu$h dri,en me $ra=y# hanging around all the time% Why# sometimes I ha,e to get someone else to $ome o,er to help me# and send him o!! !ishing# /ust so I $an ha,e some pea$e%3 )o ell laughed# and I smiled% I "ne the truth# and so did they% +hey ould be lost ithout ea$h other% And she ould only send him o!! be$ause she lo,ed him# and "ne he needed a brea"% 17ou used to send me o!! ahead e,ery time e ent $amping only so I $ould get the $ampsite ready be!ore you /oined me#3 )o ell replied% 1Well# I !igured i! you ere going to drag me out into some ilderness !or a ee"end# you $ould darn ell ma"e it as ni$e as possible#3 )u$ille retorted% I laughed at their !riendly banter% I "ne there asn.t a $ouple any here that $ould be more de,oted to ea$h other than they ere% )o ell as an old !armer and had or"ed hard all o! his li!e% )i"e most !armers# he planned to or" until the day he dropped in his !ield% 0ut )u$ille had be$ome ill and needed almost $onstant $are% He had retired so he $ould be there !or her% 0ut he still needed something to o$$upy his time# so he had built a little ood shop in his house here he $ould or" and still be there hen she needed him% &rom that shop he $reated all sorts o! things > beauti!ul $lo$"s# handsome ,ases# and e,en toys !or $hildren% )u$ille humourously $omplained that i! he "ept it up# they ould run out o! room in their house# and they ould ha,e to mo,e out% 0e$ause o! )u$ille.s !ragile health# e,eryone ondered ho long she ould last% 0ut ith )o ell.s "ind# attenti,e $are# she $ontinued on !or 10 to 15 years% And he $ontinued ma"ing his beauti!ul $reations# sharing them ith e,eryone% I# mysel!# as the re$ipient o! some o! these treasures% As I sat there ,isiting that night# I as una are that )o ell had been diagnosed ith terminal $an$er a !e months earlier% He ne,er let on# and he ne,er mentioned it# e,en though he as in a lot o! pain% During their last !e months together# )o ell and )u$ille almost ne,er le!t ea$h other.s side# and only a !e short ee"s a!ter my ,isit# )o ell passed a ay% +hree days later as his

,ie ing# and that night# a!ter it ended# )u$ille le!t us to /oin him% When I heard the ne s# I pi$"ed up a beauti!ul de$orati,e ,ase )o ell had gi,en me# and my heart !elt hea,y at the loss% Still# I had to smile at the thought o! the t o o! them% In li!e they ere ne,er apart# and in death they ere not separated% )o ell only ent ahead to get the $ampsite ready%

,'at@s In % Na)e : #ackie Honda

9y $hildren ha,e a tenden$y to name e,erything# in$luding inanimate ob/e$ts% I may be old !ashioned# but I don.t remember naming my $ar# my band instrument# my ba$"pa$"# or anything li"e that% 5h# e had a !e $hoi$e names !or something li"e a ren$h hen it slipped o!! a bolt# $ausing us to rip the s"in o!! o! our "nu$"les# but e used the same names !or e,erything# although I $an.t say hat they ere in a !amily paper% 0ut I learned I asn.t up to speed hen my daughter al"ed in and told me that -a$"ie as ha,ing some problems% 1-a$"ie ho23 I as"ed% 1-a$"ie Honda%3 I sear$hed the re$esses o! my brain# but $ould not !or the li!e o! me remember meeting any o! her !riends that ent by that name% I tried to thin" o! anyone or any !amily that might ha,e a last name o! Honda# but it as useless% I 4ueried !urther% 1What is she doing23 1A$tually# Dad# it.s hat she isn.t doing as mu$h as hat she is% E,ery morning# I $an hardly get her going%3 1Ho long has she been this ay23 1Well#3 my daughter said thought!ully# 1I ould ha,e to say that it has been more so sin$e it got to be $old% It seems the $older it gets# the harder it is to get her mo,ing%3 1I must admit that I o!ten !eel the same ay#3 I replied% 1Spea"ing o! hi$h# I thin" she might be a !e 4uarts lo #3 my daughter said% 1Why ould you say su$h a thing23 I as"ed% 1E,ery time e go to pass someone# she "ind o! gro ls%3 +his really stunned me# though I tried to "eep my $omposure and be a good listening parent% 1Well# that doesn.t sound ,ery good%3 1I agree#3 my daughter said% 1And another thing that bothers me about her is the ay she shimmies%3 ?o I as really be$oming $on$erned% 1She shimmies a lot23 15h# yeah% She shimmies enough that I almost thin" her ba$" end is going to $ome apart% I $ould s ear that she has some "ind o! rear end problems%3 1I! she does it that mu$h# it de!initely is $ause !or $on$ern#3 I replied% 1In !a$t# I thin" any at all is probably too mu$h%3 1+hat.s hat I thin"# too#3 my daughter replied% 1espe$ially hen e are passing someone% It is do nright embarrassing%3 I nodded in agreement as my daughter $ontinued% 1And another thing that bothers me is that hen I try to get her to stop# she shimmies e,en more# almost totally out o! $ontrol% I thin" she has a s$re loose or something%3 I nodded my head% 1Among other things# I.d ha,e to say% What $an I do to help23 1Well# $ould you $he$" her out23 +his stunned me so mu$h I didn.t e,en "no hat to say% A!ter my daughter le!t !or s$hool# I ent in to tal" to my i!e% 1Do you "no -a$"ie Honda23 9y i!e spo"e in a 4uiet# un$on$erned ,oi$e% 17es% What about her23 1Do you thin" she sounds li"e the "ind o! girl e ant our daughter spending a lot o! time ith# I mean ith her shimmying and all23

9y i!e turned around and loo"ed at me# and I $ould tell by the loo" on her !a$e that she ondered i! I as !iring on all pistons% 1-a$"ie Honda is the "ids. $ar63 15h# o! $ourse#3 I said# al"ing !rom the room# !eeling li"e a total idiot%

,'at 5tudents Learned In Mat' lass

5,er the years# e ha,e !ound that one o! the students. greatest $riti$isms o! any math $lass is their $laim that they didn.t learn anything% +here!ore# as part o! their !inal# I ha,e the students list ten things they learned% +hese items $ould be anything at all in relation to the $lass% +hey are allo ed to rite their list ahead o! time and bring it to the !inal i! they ant% 9ost obser,ations are 4uite normal# but some ma"e !or interesting reading% Here are some o! the $lassi$s !or this year' 1% I learned that the lottery is a ta8 on the mathemati$ally illiterate% 2% I learned that you $an do anything# though you may need help to do it% E% I learned that my $al$ulator is a lot smarter than I thought it as% I thin" it is e,en smarter than I am% H% +he se$tion o! the boo" that I as e8$ited about# be$ause I "ne I ould understand it# is the one e de$ided to s"ip% 5% 0y the time you understand the problem enough to as" 4uestions# you don.t need to as" them anymore# be$ause you already "no the ans er% D% I learned that I really hate negati,e people% I thin" about hal! o! them are negati,e# and the other hal! are /ust stupid% F% I learned that a smart thing to do is to !ind out ho in the $lass is getting good grades and then sit by them% K% +he girl sitting ne8t to me "ept playing games# and then she as upset hen she !ailed the test% She said she $ouldn.t !igure out hy she did so poorly% Duh% B% +a"ing a $lass ith my brother is !un# but annoying% 10% I! you hate a $lass# sit by a hot girl and you ill li"e it better% 11% When your tea$her allo s you to ta"e a EM5 note $ard into a test# it really only helps i! you put the right stu!! on it% 12% What I learn in a $lass is a$tually more important than the grade I get% +hough a good grade is ni$e# too% 1E% I! you or" hard and learn the material 4ui$"ly# you $an sit by a hot girl and help her% +hat impresses her a lot# and she is happy to sit by you% I! you put o!! learning it until you ha,e

!orgotten hat as tal"ed about in $lass# then you ha,e to go to (ro!essor Ho ard and ha,e him help you# and that.s not near as mu$h !un% 1H% 9a"e sure you ha,e plenty o! time to get to $lass ithout hurrying% I! you ha,e to hurry# you get s eaty and nobody ants to sit by you% 15% It is harder to pay attention hen you sit on the ba$" ro % 1D% I learned that a $hild is a ta8 dedu$tion% 9aybe not the most e!!e$ti,e one# ho e,er% 1F% Don.t date someone you ta"e a $lass ith be$ause it is really a " ard hen you brea" up% 1K% I! you ha,e a hot date to do home or"# it is a lot more !un and you learn a lot more% N9aybe not about math# though%O 1B% I learned hy I am an art ma/or and not a math ma/or% 20% I learned that the stress !rom orrying about doing your home or" is a lot orse than a$tually doing it% 21% I learned the most !rom your tal"ing to us about trying again and again hen you !ail# espe$ially ith the number o! !ailures you ha,e had trying to get your boo"s and stories published% I ill ne,er !orget your 4uote% 17ou need to stret$h yoursel! beyond hat you !eel you are $apable o!% I! you are not !ailing no and then# you are not rea$hing high enough%P +hat ill al ays remind me to "eep trying% 22% I learned that (ro!essor Ho ard as a$tually good loo"ing hen he as in $ollege% NI !ound an old year boo" pi$ture o! you%O

% Youn+ alf %nd %n 6nfor+i.in+ 5win+

5ur baby $al!# )ady# as born in the middle o! the !all# so she had to endure a long inter% I built her a small barn out o! stra ith a little outside pen so she $ould get some !resh air% 0ut as she gre # the pen loo"ed smaller and smaller% It seemed li"e spring ould ne,er get here so that I $ould put her in a bigger pasture% When spring !inally $ame# I !ound the pasture needed lots o! or"% Still# I "ne )ady needed to stret$h her legs% I put a halter on her and led her into the yard% +he yard# though !ull o! things li"e s ings and teeter>totters# as ell !en$ed# and ould gi,e her room to run% I had no sooner let her loose than she as galloping around# "i$"ing up her heels# and bello ing her pleasure at her ne !ound !reedom% +he $ats all ran !or $o,er% Although )ady ouldn.t hurt them on purpose# her running as totally out o! $ontrol% She ould o!ten run so !ast that hen she $ame to a !en$e# she $ouldn.t stop# and ould $rash into it% A!ter about an hour o! running# she !inally settled do n and started mun$hing on the ne tu!ts o! grass that ere po"ing up through last year.s bro n la n% E,entually# her gra=ing brought her up to my $hildren.s s ing set% I had built the s ing out o! huge logs% It is about 20 !eet tall ith long $hains that hang !rom the top rail% 9y $hildren lo,e it# sin$e the ar$ o! the s ing is long and thrilling% 5ne o! the s ings is an old tire% I had turned it inside out to ma"e it hold its !orm# $utting out a portion o! it to resemble a $ur,ed $hair% It is big and hea,y# and on$e you get it going# it ill s ing !or a long time% All o! our $hildren en/oy it# e,en the older ones% +hey ill tu$" up in it# and then someone ill s ing them super high# and they ill go !ore,er% )ady# in her gra=ing# bumped into this s ing# so she bunted it out o! her road% +he s ing# o! $ourse# ent out a small distan$e# then returned# sma$"ing her% )ady didn.t li"e this at all% She shoo" her head and snorted% She then bunted it harder% +he s ing responded by going out e,en !urther and $oming ba$" and hitting her harder in return% )ady ba$"ed up a step# snorted a !e times# then stepped up and hit the s ing hard% +he s ing ent out e,en !urther than be!ore% When it $ame ba$"# it hit her so hard that she stumbled% +hat seemed to be the last stra % )ady ba$"ed up $lear to the !en$e# about 20 !eet% She snorted# she pa ed the ground# and she bello ed% A!ter she had let the s ing "no it as in big trouble# she $harged at !ull speed% She hit it dead $enter# and sent it on an ar$ about 15 !eet into the air% She snorted and shoo" her head# proud o! her ability to tea$h the s ing a lesson% 0ut# !or e,ery a$tion there is an opposite and e4ual rea$tion# and the s ing as ,ery un!orgi,ing% It $ame ba$" ith e4ui,alent !or$e% )ady sa it $oming !ull speed to ard her# and she turned to run# but that as as !ar as she got% +he s ing hit her hard# and rolled her a !e times% She as really mad then% She /umped to her !eet and ran to the s ing# biting# "i$"ing and pa ing% Soon# she be$ame so rapped up in the $hain that she as hog tied and lying on her ba$"# !eet in the air# unable to mo,e% +hat as hen I de$ided I probably should do something% 9y !amily all loo"ed at me strangely as I announ$ed my intentions% 1+he s ing /ust beat up the $al!# so I better go res$ue her !rom it%3

How 2ar) Do+s $et T'eir Na)es

Ha,e you e,er ondered ho a !arm dog gets its name2 Well# let me e8plain it to you% +he other day I ent to see a neighbor# 0art# ho is a !armer% As e sat ,isiting in his yard# I loo"ed o,er to see a beauti!ul golden retrie,er that I hadn.t e,er seen there be!ore% 1?e dog23 I as"ed% 1?ot too ne #3 he replied% 1I.,e had him !or about a year%3 17ou training him !or hunting or anything use!ul23 I as"ed% 1He$"# no% ?ot unless you $ount riding around in the ba$" o! the pi$"up as use!ul% He.s good at that% +hat and gettin. under!oot all o! the time%3 1What.s his name23 I as"ed% 1*u!us#3 $ame 0art.s reply% 19y i!e named him%3 I histled and patted my leg% 1Here# *u!us%3 +he dog only ya ned and ignored me% 1I.m a!raid he doesn.t re$ogni=e that name#3 0art said% I as surprised that# a!ter a !ull year# the dog ouldn.t "no his name% 1Why not23 I as"ed% 0art rea$hed up and s$rat$hed his head% 1Well# it.s "ind o! a long story% 7ou see# e ha,e a thro rug e put /ust outside our door so e $an ipe our muddy !eet on it be!ore e $ome into the house% When *u!us as a pup# he ould $he that rug to pie$es# either that# or drag it o!! some here and bury it# or something% E,ery time I stepped out the door and sa it $he ed or gone# I ould yell# ADang it# you stupid dog6. and he got to thin"ing that as his name% 1+he boys and I ha,e gotten it shortened to /ust ADang It.% I.,e "ind o! tried to get him used to his normal name again# but I.,e about gi,en up% I !igure that a person shouldn.t try to tea$h an old dog ne tri$"s% -ust $all him hat he "no s%3 I histled and patted my leg% 1Here# Dang It%3 Immediately# the dog as by my side% I patted his beauti!ul golden head as 0art $ontinued% 1+he problem is that e ha,en.t had the $ourage to tell my i!e that e ha,e $hanged his name% She still thin"s it.s *u!us% She has tried to ma"e !riends ith him% She ill $ome out and $all him# but he on.t $ome% +hen she ill turn and say# AHoney# ill you $all the dog%. I ill yell# ADang it# *u!us# get o,er here#. and he immediately $omes% So# she still thin"s his name is *u!us# not reali=ing the !irst part o! that is really his name%3 As our $on,ersation as ending# 0art said he needed to head out to or" on a pi,ot% He slapped the side o! his pi$"up% 1Dang It# let.s go boy%3 +he golden retrie,er leaped into the ba$"# and ran up to the !ront and stu$" his head o,er the side% His tail as agging as he anti$ipated a !un ride% I# too# headed on my ay# but I had one more stop be!ore I headed home% I pulled into another !arm yard# and the !armer $ame o,er to greet me% As e tal"ed# I loo"ed o,er and sa a young bla$" lab $he ing on a shoe% 17ou got a ne dog23 I as"ed% 17eah#3 the !armer said% 1Had Aim !or a !e months no %3 17ou going to ma"e a hunting dog out o! him23 +he !armer nodded% 1Hoping to% In !a$t# his name is (ointer /ust !or that reason%3 I histled and patted my leg% 1Here# (ointer% Here# boy%3 +he dog ignored me and $ontinued to $he on the shoe% +he !armer gre disgusted% 10irdbrain# get your tail o,er here%3 +he dog immediately /umped up and trotted to us%

And ith that# I "ne his dog ould soon be named 10irdbrain3# !or that is ho !arm dogs get their names%

T'e Healin+ %t T'e Pool Of Bet'esda

Ste,e is one o! the "indest people I ha,e e,er met% His li!e has been one o! ser,i$e and goodness% He is 4ui$" to see the needs o! others# and do hat he $an to help% He has done all o! this despite the handi$ap o! ha,ing only one good hand# ith the other de!ormed !rom an a$$ident hen he as young% 5ne day he shared a story that helped e8plain hy he is li"e he is% As a young boy# he had been playing ith !ire$ra$"ers hen one ble up in his hand% Although the do$tors did all they $ould# his hand as le!t de!ormed and mostly unusable% All o! his li!e he struggled to do many o! the things others too" !or granted% As he gre older# he desired to be$ome a tea$her% As part o! his studies# the opportunity arose !or him to spend some time in -erusalem% 5ne beauti!ul Easter morning# /ust be!ore the sun rose# he made his ay in the 4uiet morning hours to the pool o! 0ethesda% -e ish tradition has it that# at $ertain times o! the year# an angel $omes do n and troubles the ater% Supposedly# i! a person is the !irst one to step into the ater a!ter they see the s irling# they ill be healed o! any in!irmity% In addition# Christian !aith tells the story o! a man ho had been there !or EK years and as too in!irm to get himsel! into the ater% ?o one ould help him# so be!ore he $ould get there# others ould step in be!ore him% Christ had $ompassion on the man# and# by his mira$ulous po er# made the man hole% As Ste,e !ound himsel! standing by this pool# thin"ing o! its tradition o! mira$les# he prayed in his heart !or a mira$le o! his o n > that his hand ould be healed% +he thought o! being made physi$ally hole again as something he had dreamed o! sin$e his a$$ident% +o be able to do hat others $ould do# and not ha,e people stare at him !or his de!ormity# as his biggest hope% Could there be a mira$le !or him that ould restore his hand# and $ould it be as simple as stepping into a pool o! ater at the right time2 As he !ound himsel! praying !or that mira$le# he !elt a !eeling in his heart# and had a thought $ome into his mind that surprised him% 1Is it your hand you ant to be healed# or ould you rather ha,e your heart made hole23 Startled by this thought# and trying to understand it# Ste,e $onsidered the times he had seen others struggling ith !eelings o! inade4ua$y# and ho his o n e8perien$es had helped him to ha,e $ompassion% He thought o! the strength he had gained as he had o,er$ome $hallenges to do things others !ound easy% He reali=ed his in!irmity had not been his handi$ap% His true handi$ap had been that his heart had not been understanding hat he as learning% In !a$t# as he $onsidered !urther# he reali=ed his in!irmity had been his !riend# tea$hing him things no other tea$her $ould% It had enri$hed his li!e and blessed him in ays he had ne,er be!ore reali=ed% Would he be illing to gi,e up hat he had learned to ha,e his hand made hole2 He smiled at the thought% ?o# instead he prayed !or his heart to be $hanged# and ould "eep his hand the ay it as# be$ause there as probably still more !or him to learn% As the rest o! the orld started to a a"e# and the sun blin"ed o,er the eastern hori=on# other people began to gather% As Ste,e le!t# he understood that ea$h o! us# sometime in li!e# and in some ay# ill need to $ome to our o n pool o! 0ethesda% 0ut the ea"ness e might need to ha,e healed $ould be more o! an understanding in our heart than one that is ,isible to the outside orld%

Don@t Take %way % alf@s Dinner

I ans ered the phone and heard )aura.s ,oi$e% 1Hi# Daris% Hey# my $ousin# Amanda# is here !rom the $ity# and she ould really li"e to do something $ountryish# i! you "no hat I mean% I as ondering i! e $ould $ome out and# li"e# mil" a $o # !eed $al,es# and things li"e that23 1Sure#3 I ans ered% 1We start $hores at 5'00%3 When 5'00 rolled around# there as no sign o! )aura and Amanda% I al ays mil"ed# and my younger brother# Da,id# did the !eeding% I !igured the girls ould get there in due time# and sin$e there ere lots o! $o s to mil"# I ould /ust start# and there ould still be plenty le!t hen they arri,ed% 0ut I told Da,id that he needed to ait to !eed until )aura and Amanda $ame% 10ut )an$e in,ited me o,er to play (a$ 9an#3 he $omplained% 1I don.t ant to ait around !or a $ouple o! girls%3 I suggested that he $omplete most o! the !eeding# /ust sa,ing a $ouple o! the $al,es !or them% +hat pa$i!ied him# and he set about his $hores% I started mil"ing# and had been at it !or some time# hen he $ame running into the barn% 15h# my he$"63 he said% 1+hey /ust pulled up# and I totally !orgot to sa,e some $al,es !or them to !eed%3 17ou !ed all o! the babies their bottles23 I as"ed in e8asperation% 1Hey6 I /ust got on autopilot%3 1What are e going to do23 I as"ed% 1+hat is the main reason they $ame%3 1Well# maybe they $ould /ust !eed a $ouple o! $al,es e8tra bottles%3 I shoo" my head% 1+hey are too small# and they ould get si$"%3 1+hen they $ould !eed one o! the bigger $al,es% +hey may be eaned# but they ould still lo,e to ha,e a bottle%3 I $ouldn.t thin" o! anything else to do# so I agreed% )aura brought Amanda into the barn and introdu$ed her to me% She then rin"led her nose% 1Wo 6 It really smells in here%3 1It is a barn# )aura#3 I replied% 15h#3 she laughed% 1I thought that maybe you !orgot to sho er a!ter tra$" pra$ti$e%3 I laughed% 1+housands o! $omedians out o! or"# and I get stu$" ith you%3 I then pointed at some $o,eralls on the all% 17ou $an ea$h put a pair o! those on# and Da,id ill help you !eed the $al,es% When you get done# $ome ba$"# and I ill help ea$h o! you mil" a $o %3 I had only mil"ed a !e more $o s hen I heard some horri!i$ s$reams% I ran !rom the barn to !ind )aura and Amanda in the big $al! pen% Ea$h girl# $arrying a bottle# as running as hard and !ast as she $ould# ith a 500 pound $al! bearing do n on her% I yelled !or them to drop the bottles# but they ere too busy to pay attention% I /umped the !en$e and headed !or Amanda# ho as $losest% I inter$epted the $al! and got Amanda sa!ely o,er the !en$e% 17our brother pointed out the smallest $al,es and told us to !eed them#3 she panted% 1+hen he le!t% When e tried to !eed them# the bigger ones got /ealous and $ame a!ter us%3 I turned ba$" to help )aura /ust as the biggest $al! $aught up ith her% He grabbed the bottle nipple in his mouth% )aura as not about to gi,e it to him# and a tug>o!> ar ensued% +he nipple popped o!!# and )aura !ell to her ba$"side ith the mil" pouring do n o,er her head% She as immediately surrounded by $al,es anting to sa,e hat dinner they $ould !rom her !a$e% 15 6 5 6 5 63 she yelled as ea$h slurped her ith its sandpaper tongue# hi$h has about

as mu$h so!tness as a sa blade% I struggled to brea" through the huddle# and I as e,entually able to res$ue her% When I pulled her to her !eet# she slammed the bottle into my stoma$h% 1)augh all you ant# but !rom no on# you $an !eed your o n stupid $al,es63

Bo.ine Madness
9y !riend# )aura# had /ust had a hole bottle o! mil" spilled on her# a!ter hi$h she as li$"ed by a thousand sandpaper $al! tongues% She as not in a good mood# and ould ha,e probably gone home i! it hadn.t been that her $ousin# Amanda# still anted to mil" a $o % We stepped into the mil"ing barn# and a $o # smelling the mil" on )aura# rea$hed out her nose to sni!! her% )aura glared at the $o % 1Don.t e,en thin" about it# 0essie%3 1Her name isn.t 0essie#3 I said% 1What is it23 I didn.t ant to tell her that sin$e the $o .s nose as al ays running# e had named her Snot ?ose# so I !udged% 10essie ill do%3 -ust then# Snot ?ose# or# uh# 0essie# rea$hed up ith her tongue and $leaned out her o n nose% 1E 63 )aura e8$laimed% 1+hat is /ust gross63 As i! in response# hen )aura turned to loo" at me# 0essie rea$hed o,er and li$"ed )aura on the side o! the !a$e ith the same tongue ith hi$h she had /ust disembo eled her o n nose% She le!t a big strea" o! green slime on )aura.s $hee"% 1Ahhh63 )aura s$reamed% 1I hate $o s63 1Well#3 I said# 1she really seems to li"e you% She doesn.t usually "iss on the !irst date%3 1I thin" I hate you more than I hate $o s#3 )aura retorted% I $hose a ,ery gentle $o !or Amanda to mil"% Amanda anted to try mil"ing by hand !irst# so I sho ed them ho to get the mil" $oming% 1What you are really doing hen you mil" is s4uee=ing the thumb and !ore!inger tight around the top o! the teat#3 I told them% 1+hat lo$"s the mil" in% +hen# ith the other !our !ingers# you press the teat against your palm# and that !or$es the mil" out%3 I demonstrated in slo motion hile they at$hed# and then sped up until I as mil"ing 4ui$"ly% It too" Amanda a !e tries# but soon she had the hang o! it% A!ter she had mil"ed a little hile# I sho ed her ho to put the mil"er on% She did that# and then she too" it o!! hen the $o as !inished mil"ing% It as )aura.s turn ne8t% I $hose another gentle $o % I started the demonstration again# but )aura stopped me% 17eah# yeah% I sa it the !irst time%3 )aura tried to get some mil" to $ome out# but asn.t ha,ing any lu$"% 1E,ery on$e in a hile the $o gets something on the end o! the teat# blo$"ing the mil" !lo #3 I told her% 1Here# let me help you%3 I rea$hed out my hand and s4uee=ed hard on )aura.s hand /ust as she turned the teat up to loo" at the end to see i! there as anything there% With my s4uee=ing# the blast o! mil" hit )aura s4uarely in the !a$e% She snorted and iped the mil" !rom her !a$e% 17ou did that on purpose63 1?o#3 I ans ered# 1but i! I had thought about it# I ould ha,e%3 I en$ouraged her to try again% 15nly i! you stay a ay !rom me63 she replied% I mo,ed up to the !ront o! the $o # and )aura made another attempt% She !inally got some mil" out# and had /ust !inished putting the mil"er on# hen the $o s ung her tail% It hit )aura hard and about "no$"ed her o,er% 1I thought you said this as a ni$e $o 63 )aura hollered at me% 1She is#3 I replied% 1She didn.t "i$" you%3

1?o# but she tried to $lub me to death%3 When the $o as !inished# and )aura had ta"en the mil"er o!!# I said# 17ou "no # )aura# I thin" you ere absolutely meant to be a dairy !armer%3 1I thin" I ould rather be dead#3 she replied# 1and that ould be right a!ter I "illed you%3 I guess $o mil"ing /ust isn.t her thing%

Hikin+ Packs 6ne.enly Distributed

5ur s$outmaster $alled the meeting to attention !or about the !i!th time% 1Are you all $lear on the itinerary2 We ha,e to be out o! here early on +hursday morning# so don.t !orget to bring your pa$"s to the $hur$h Wednesday night% 7ou need to ha,e all o! your gear in them# and 0ut$h ill e,enly distribute the !ood he has pur$hased into them%3 0ut$h as the Senior (atrol )eader# and he had planned the menu and ould buy the !ood% ;sually# e de$ided on the !ood as a troop# but he ouldn.t let anyone help be$ause he anted to do it all himsel!% As dire$ted# e all dropped our pa$"s o!! at the $hur$h at the appointed time% We sa bags and bags o! gro$eries# but 0ut$h said he anted the meals to be a surprise# so he ouldn.t let anyone near any o! it% He told us to /ust drop our pa$"s and lea,e% ?ot an8ious to spend any more time ith those mundane tas"s than e had to# e all gladly did as e ere told% +he ne8t morning# be!ore sunup# e loaded e,erything into our s$outmaster.s ,an and ere on our ay% We arri,ed at the trail head at about 10'00% It as a beauti!ul spot ith a stream running along side the par"ing lot# $as$ading to /oin the &alls *i,er% We ea$h pulled our pa$" !rom the ,an and hoisted it onto our shoulders% Ea$h boy groaned at the eight# but e,eryone anted to a$t tough# and no one anted to be the !irst to $omplain% I as the biggest and strongest# but e,en I had to ta"e a deep breath as I bu$"led the aist strap tighter to "eep the hea,y eight in pla$e% We slung our $anteens o,er our shoulders and ere on our ay% 5ur s$outmaster a,ed until e ere out o! sight% ?o # years later# ha,ing been a s$outmaster mysel!# I $an.t imagine sending boys o!! alone% 9y s$outs ould ha,e burned do n the !orest% 0ut my s$outmaster didn.t li"e to hi"e or $amp# so he did it all o! the time% I.m not sure our parents e,er "ne % +he trail asn.t the hardest one e had e,er hi"ed% It only meandered up and do n hills% We at$hed intently !or ea$h &orest Ser,i$e sign that told us o! our progress% +he !irst one# right near the par"ing lot# said e had !i,e miles to tra,el% We started out tal"ing and ,isiting% We o!ten told stories about other great ad,entures e had had# though ea$h tale gre !rom e,ery retelling% +he stream pro,ided ba$"ground musi$# sin$e the trail !ollo ed along its ban"% +he s$enery as beauti!ul% +he thi$" !orest# ith !erns and lush undergro th# ould o$$asionally gi,e ay to an open meado % We ould $at$h glimpses o! deer and el" no and then# and# at times# e ould $ome to a rise that ould gi,e us /ust enough o! a ,ista that e $ould see ba$" into the ,alley% At !irst# e en/oyed the hi"e immensely# but it asn.t long be!ore our $hatter $eased% We $ould do nothing but breathe hard and labor our ay !or ard% +hat is# e,eryone $ould e8$ept !or 0ut$h% He mo,ed ahead !ast and yelled at us to hurry# telling us ho slo e ere# $alling us imps% We $ontinued mo,ing# getting more and more tired% We ere perspiring so mu$h that our thirst as insatiable# and our $anteens ere running lo % &inally# hen e rea$hed the hal! ay point# one o! the boys bro"e do n and said he had to rest% +he rest o! us ere glad e didn.t ha,e to say it# but happy to /oin him% 0ut$h dropped his pa$"# $alling us sissies# and ran o!! to e8plore% 17ou "no #3 )enny said% 10ut$h is in the orst shape o! all o! us% Ho $an he be so !ull o! energy23

We all loo"ed at ea$h other# and immediately reali=ed something as rong% +hough 0ut$h had told us not to open our pa$"s so e $ould all be surprised# e li!ted his and !ound it eighed about one>!ourth o! hat ours did% )enny grinned% 1It.s time to sho him hat sissies do hen they get mad%3

,'at Do You Ha.e In Your Pack9

5ur s$outmaster had dropped us o!!# lea,ing us alone !or the !i,e mile hi"e and $ampout at 0uhla )a"e% 0ut$h# the senior patrol leader# had pa$"ed the !ood into our pa$"s and told us not to loo" so e $ould be surprised at the mar,elous meals he had planned% 0ut e struggled under our loads hile he hi"ed ithout e,en brea"ing a s eat% He ridi$uled us !or being 1 imps3% We $ouldn.t understand ho he did so ell sin$e e "ne he asn.t in good shape% Hal! ay there# e slung our pa$"s to the ground !or a rest% 0ut$h $alled us all sissies on$e more# and then headed o!! into the !orest to e8plore% )enny sat do n on a stump and dran" the last ater !rom his $anteen% 1I sure hope I.,e got more in my pa$" some here#3 he said% Although 0ut$h had told us not to open our pa$"s# )enny opened up his o n to hunt !or ater% When he did# he gasped% 1What the de,il is this23 He pulled out a huge $an o! $hun"y bee! soup% 1+his isn.t hi"ing !ood63 He $ontinued digging# !inding more similar items% +he rest o! us ere $urious# no % I opened my pa$" and !ound t o gallons o! mil" and some $ans o! $hili% E,eryone had e8tremely hea,y items% 1I onder hat he has in his#3 )enny said% He he!ted 0ut$h.s pa$" and !ound it eighed less than one>!ourth o! hat ours did% )enny opened it and !ound bo8es o! $old $ereal% 1?o onder he.s not tired#3 )enny gro led% 1He said he ould distribute the !ood e,enly6 What a bun$h o! bull63 1)et.s stu!! some o! ours in his#3 one o! the boys suggested% 0ut I pointed out that# ith the 4ui$" eight $hange# or i! he loo"ed in ours# he ould "no hat e did% We $ould hear 0ut$h $oming ba$"# so e 4ui$"ly or"ed out a plan% We !ound a ro$" that eighed a pound or less and stu!!ed it bet een the $old $ereal bo8es% When 0ut$h li!ted his pa$" to his shoulders he didn.t seem to noti$e the di!!eren$e% As per our plan# e stopped o!ten# saying e needed to rest% Ea$h time e did# someone ould tell 0ut$h that they needed more ater out o! their pa$"% ?ot anting them to loo" in it# he ould help them retrie,e it% While he as busy doing that# someone ould add another ro$" to his pa$"% 0y the time e rea$hed the last mile# 0ut$h as gasping !or air and stumbling% 1I am so e8hausted%3 1Do you ant me to $arry your pa$"23 I as"ed% 1?o#3 he said# pushing me a ay% 1I must /ust be getting tired%3 +hough our pa$"s ere still probably as hea,y as his# the rest o! us started hi"ing ith great energy% +he /oy e !ound in at$hing his misery# the same misery he had planned !or us# seemed to re/u,enate us% As he started lagging !arther and !arther behind# e,eryone re,eled in $alling to him to hurry# returning to him some o! hat e had re$ei,ed !rom him earlier in the hi"e% &inally# the last one to the la"e# 0ut$h# hu!!ing and pu!!ing# dragged himsel! to the $ampsite% 19an# I am really e8piring%3 1I thin" you mean perspiring#3 )enny retorted% 10ut e ould all be illing to help you ith the other%3 We $ould hardly ait until he dug into his pa$"% When he did# and pulled out the !irst ro$"# he let out a s$ream and started yelling at us%

17ou said you ould distribute the !ood e,enly63 )enny retorted% 10ut you pa$"ed our pa$"s hea,y and made yours light63 1I.m the leader63 0ut$h replied% 1I get to de$ide those things%3 1Well# there is one other thing e all !igured a leader should do#3 I told him% 1He should $he$" out the ater to ma"e sure it.s sa!e%3 And ith that# the rest o! us pi$"ed him up and tossed him into the i$y $old la"e%

Hu)an 8i+'t <iolations %nd inna)on 8olls

)enny as suddenly $on$erned about helping other $iti=ens remain la abiding% +he reason started a !e months earlier hen s$hool got out !or the summer% We ere e8$ited to !ind out that a ne boy our age had mo,ed into the house do n the road% 0ut *od asn.t used to !arm li!e# and had some things to learn% +he !irst as that the day started around 5'00 in the morning% Co s had to be mil"ed and $hores done% +ime $onstraints eren.t too intense in the summer% 0ut hen s$hool started# suddenly it as ,ery di!!erent% A person had to or" hard and !ast to be ready !or s$hool by the time the bus arri,ed% +he big problem !or *od as that he li"ed to mil" e,ery minute out o! staying in bed# and that made him late !inishing his $hores% 0y the time he as dressed !or s$hool# he as al ays rushing so !ast that he had no time to sit do n !or brea"!ast% *od.s mother as a onder!ul $oo"# and de$ided she ould ha,e to ma"e something he $ould grab on his ay out the door% 5ne o! their !amily.s !a,orite !oods as $innamon rolls# and she "ne that they ere something that *od $ould ta"e ith him i! he ere late% When *od $limbed onto the bus the morning o! that !irst day o! s$hool# the smell o! s eet $innamon# sugar# and arm bread !illed the bus% A!ter he sat do n in his seat# he opened up a nap"in that $ontained !our large# hot $innamon rolls dripping ith bro n sugar !rosting% Immediately I $ould !eel my stoma$h gro ling# e,en though I had eaten a huge brea"!ast% I "no I asn.t the only one !eeling the e!!e$ts o! that onder!ul smell# be$ause e,eryone on the bus stared in *od.s dire$tion# though no one said anything% At least# no one did until )enny got on the bus% As soon as he sat do n# he started sni!!ing% He turned and sa *od li$"ing the !rosting !rom his !ingers as he !inished the !irst roll% When *od pi$"ed up the se$ond one# )enny# hose si=e sho ed his lo,e o! good !ood# 4ui$"ly mo,ed to ta"e the seat a$ross the aisle !rom him% 1Hey# *od# are you going to eat all o! those23 1Well# duh#3 *od replied% 1I brought them ith me# didn.t I23 1I /ust thought that maybe you brought e8tra be$ause you anted to share ith your best !riend#3 )enny said% 1And ho ould that be23 *od as"ed obli,iously% )enny rolled his eyes% 1Duh% Who do you thin"2. *od loo"ed at )enny# and !inally $aught hat he as saying% 15h# you@re my best !riend23 1I! you.,e got arm $innamon rolls# I am#3 he replied% 1Sorry#3 *od replied% 1I only brought enough !or me%3 )enny as not to be deterred% Spea"ing in a serious tone# he said# 1+hen# I.m a!raid I.ll ha,e to turn you in !or brea"ing the la %3 1What la 23 *od as"ed in surprise% 1I $an.t belie,e you don.t "no that it is $ompletely illegal to bring !ood on this bus and not share ith me#3 )enny replied% 17ou pass one o,er# and I.ll o,erloo" it this time%3 *od# being ne to the area# ondered i! there truly as a la that he as una are o!% With a little more $oa8ing !rom )enny# he relin4uished a $innamon roll% 0ut as he did# he demanded to "no more about the la he as ,iolating% )enny aited until he had de,oured the $innamon roll be!ore he ans ered% Wiping the $orners o! his mouth ith his slee,e he said# 1I! you sat there and ate all o! them ithout sharing ith me# you ould be ,iolating the :ene,a Con,entions on torture%3

And that as hen )enny "indly made it his goal to help *od $ontinue being a la abiding $iti=en%

%n ;)1ty Tank %nd Late To 5c'ool

9y daughter# Celese# is a ,ery $ons$ientious mother% She tries to be here she needs to be# hen she needs to be there# and to do hat is best !or her $hildren% +hat as a big reason the e,ents o! that day ere so dis$on$erting to her% When Celese.s daughter# <iolatte# started s$hool this year# the s$hool# as usual# as"ed the parents to ,olunteer some time to help in the $lassroom% +hey pro,ided a sign up sheet at registration% Celese signed her name to the paper indi$ating she ould $ome t o days per ee"% When she sho ed up !or her !irst day# the tea$her as surprised% 17ou really plan to $ome help23 15! $ourse#3 Celese replied% +he tea$her "ind o! shrugged% 15thers say they ill $ome# but they ne,er do%3 +he tea$her assumed that Celese ould soon 4uit $oming# but she as there# !aith!ully# e,ery time it as her turn% Quite soon she be$ame ell "no n around the s$hool !or her diligen$e and her talents% 0ut on this parti$ular day# one o! the o!! days !or hi$h she ouldn.t be going# she ran into a dilemma% Her !amily had had many medi$al bills and student loans% Determined to pay them o!!# they had set a stri$t budget# and ,o ed not to use $redit $ards% +hat morning happened to be the day be!ore pay day# and they ere totally out o! money% As Celese and the $hildren $limbed into the ,an to ta"e <iolatte to s$hool# Celese sa # to her dismay# that the gas gauge registered empty% E,en though it asn.t a long ay to the s$hool# she "ne they $ouldn.t ma"e it there and ba$" ithout a stop at the gas station% 0ut ith no money le!t in the $he$"ing a$$ount# she as le!t sear$hing !or hat $hange $ould be !ound% E,eryone hurried into the house !or the hunt% +hey loo"ed under $ushions# behind $ou$hes# and e,en raided the !amily piggy ban"% 0et een all o! them they $ame up ith I2%HF% With gas ho,ering o,er the IH mar"# she "ne this ould barely ma"e the needed trips% When she pulled into the gas station# she ent in to pay the $ler" be!ore she pumped the gas% +he $ler" loo"ed surprised at the $hange on the $ounter% 1Honey# dis on.t e,en buy you a gallon o! gasoline% What are you trying to do# ean dat old ,an o! yours23 Celese blushed# and told her the story% +he $ler" smiled% 1Well# den# hen you get paid tomorro # you $ome on ba$" and gi,e dat ,an a real good drin" be!ore it up and dies o! dehydration%3 Celese embarrassedly pumped the I2%HF orth o! gas% She only had the no==le $onne$ted to her ,an !or a short time# and other $ustomers stared% At least# she imagined they did% 0ut# !inally# she as on her ay% She loo"ed at her at$h and reali=ed that s$hool had started o,er an hour earlier% She didn.t ha,e anything to rite a note ith# so she told <iolatte to /ust tell the tea$her that they had problems% 1+ell her I ill e8plain it all tomorro hen I $ome to help# and maybe she on.t mar" you tardy today%3 As o!ten happens hen a day starts out rong# the rest o! the day as $haoti$ as ell% 0ut# e,entually# they had pi$"ed <iolatte up !rom s$hool# and ere all on their ay ba$" home% Celese as"ed <iolatte i! she had remembered to tal" to the tea$her about being late% 17es#3 <iolatte replied# 1and you don.t ha,e to orry about it at all%3

Celese as relie,ed% 1I.m glad your tea$her is so understanding%3 <iolatte nodded% 17eah% I /ust said# ASorry I.m late% 9y mommy had gas problems%.3

Destroyin+ One@s ;ne)ies

Da,id opened the en,elope# and t o airline ti$"ets and a pi$ture !ell out% He laughed# e,en though the pi$ture brought ba$" ,ery deep memories% Within a year and a hal! a!ter the bombing o! (earl Harbor# he had !ound himsel! as an antiair$ra!t gunner on a $arrier in the South (a$i!i$% A!ter 4uite a !e battles# his assignment $hanged to or"ing in the medi$al unit% +hough he had ne,er re$ei,ed any medi$al training# his or" do$toring $o s as more than most had% 9ore months at sea brought more !ighting% Da,id noti$ed that the $loser they pushed to ard -apan# the !ier$er it be$ame% +hen $ame the most intense !ight o! all% +he bombardment as hea,y# ith !ighters also stra!ing their antiair$ra!t positions% Da,id as doing his best to help ith the ounded# hen their !or ard battery as hit hard% Almost all o! the men !ell% +he enemy !ighter turned and as $oming in !or another pass# hen Da,id /umped to the gun% 0oth opened !ire at the same time# but Da,id.s aim as more sure# and the enemy plane burst into !lames# hitting the ater beside the ship% When the !ighting ended# and the sound o! enemy planes !aded into the distan$e# Da,id turned to !ind his best !riend near death% It as too late to do anything but hold his hand as he slipped a ay% 0itterness and hatred !or the enemy !illed Da,id.s heart at the loss% 0ut there as no time to d ell on it% He as $alled to the port side to help res$ue a do ned -apanese pilot% +o his dismay# it as the ,ery one ho.s plane he had shot do n% As he helped pull the pilot !rom the ater# Da,id /ust anted to see him die% 0ut his $ommanding o!!i$er had other ideas% 1See i! you $an help him sur,i,eG at least until e $an interrogate him%3 +he pilot.s arm as bleeding pro!usely# so Da,id tied on a tourni4uet% A!ter the pilot as stabili=ed and interrogated# Da,id as also assigned to ta"e $are o! him% When he brought him his !irst meal# the pilot smiled and pointed to himsel!% 19e 7oshimo%3 Da,id met his smile ith a resent!ul !ro n% 1I as the one ho shot you do n63 Da,id said !ier$ely% 1What do you thin" o! that23 7oshimo shrugged% 17ou only do your duty%3 )ater# as Da,id sat do n to ta"e a brea"# he pulled a pi$ture !rom his allet% 7oshimo loo"ed o,er% 17ou lady23 Da,id nodded% 17eah# she.s my girl!riend%3 1She mu$h pretty%3 7oshimo $ontinued trying to ma"e !riends# but Da,id ould ha,e none o! it% &inally# he had had enough% He told 7oshimo he hated him and ished he had died hen his plane ent do n% 7oshimo as 4uiet a!ter that# and hen Da,id brought him meals# he re!used to eat% A!ter t o days# Da,id be$ame $on$erned% 17oshimo# you must eat%3 1(erhaps better I /ust die%3 Da,id too" the !ood a ay# but !or the !irst time# he started thin"ing o! 7oshimo as a person ith !eelings# and not /ust as an enemy% Da,id at$hed that e,ening as 7oshimo pulled a pi$ture !rom his o n po$"et% 1She.s pretty#3 Da,id said% 1Is she your lady23 7oshimo nodded and smiled again# the !irst time in 4uite a hile% +hey began to tal"# and Da,id got them some !ood% +his time# ith Da,id /oining him# 7oshimo ate% Da,id learned that 7oshimo didn.t ant to !ight any more than he himsel! did% He had

learned English !rom Ameri$an !riends# and he hated !ighting against them% He had dreams o! $ollege# marriage# and a !amily% 0asi$ally# though they ere on opposite sides o! a $on!li$t# they eren.t that di!!erent% 0y the time 7oshimo as trans!erred to a prison $amp# Da,id "ne he ould miss his ne !riend% And hen the ar ended# they met on a -apanese bea$h to say goodbye% Standing ith arms around ea$h other# they paid a photographer to ta"e their pi$ture% 0ut it ould not be the end% +he pi$ture that !ell !rom the en,elope ith the ti$"ets as a $opy o! the one !rom that day on the bea$h% 7oshimo# no a ealthy businessman# sent Da,id and his i!e ti$"ets ea$h year to /oin him and his i!e !or a ,a$ation some here in the orld% Ea$h time# there as nothing but the plane ti$"ets and the pi$tures ith the same ords on the ba$"% AT'e best way to destroy an ene)y is to )ake 'i) a friendBC Abraham Lincoln

T'e Picture In T'e ,allet

0ob sighed at the 4uestion he had heard so many times% 10ob# ho is your girl!riend23 0ob as handsome and athleti$% He as a top not$h !ootball player and a ,arsity restler% It /ust seemed 4uite ob,ious he ould ha,e a girl!riend% 0ut he /ust didn.t belie,e that as the best ay to go in high s$hool% He dated a lot o! girls# but he didn.t ant to be tied to any one% He had seen the drama o! it ith his !riends > the brea"ups and the ma"eups% 0ut he did ha,e to admit that he as getting tired o! e,eryone as"ing% It as as i! not ha,ing a steady girl!riend as someho a sign o! in$ompleteness or in$ompeten$e% 0ob as one o! the photographers !or the s$hool ne spaper% And it as one day# hile he as on assignment ta"ing pi$tures# that he $ame up ith the per!e$t plan% He had gone to the state tra$" meet ith our tra$" team# and he de$ided he ould !ind the girl he thought as prettiest# ta"e her pi$ture# and use it to $laim she as his girl!riend% He "ne he needed to $hoose a girl that as !rom a s$hool !ar enough a ay that no one ould li"ely "no her% He ould ha,e to ta"e the pi$ture in su$h a ay that she ouldn.t "no # and yet loo" li"e she as posing !or him% He ould ha,e to do all o! this ithout raising the suspi$ion o! those o! us ho ere on the tra$" team% 0ob too" in,entory o! all the girls# and !ound the right one% She as ,ery pretty and had a gorgeous smile% ?o $ame the hard part > trying to get a pi$ture o! her ithout her thin"ing he as a stal"er% +his /ob as some hat easier ith the telephoto lenses# but still# he had a hard time !inding /ust the right shot% +hen $ame the moment he needed% He as standing /ust o!! the tra$" hen she lined up !or her ra$e% As he held his lens trained on her# someone right behind him yelled to her% 1All right# ?atalie6 7ou $an do it63 She loo"ed up and smiled per!e$tly in 0ob.s dire$tion% 0ob snapped the pi$ture% He too" a !e e8tra /ust to be sure he had a good one% 0a$" at the s$hool# in the dar" room# he an8iously aited !or the pi$ture to ,isuali=e% When it did# he as thrilled% It as indeed per!e$t% &rom then on# hen someone as"ed 0ob about his girl!riend# he ouldn.t hesitate or try to a,oid the sub/e$t% He.d hip out his allet# and sho us one o! the prettiest girls e had e,er seen% &or t o years he "ept her pi$ture in his hip po$"et# ready and aiting% +ime mo,ed !or ard# and be!ore e "ne it# e ere graduating and heading o!! on our o n% 0oth 0ob and I ent to the same $ollege% 0ob $ontinued to date lots o! girls# hile using the no orn pi$ture to !end o!! the same old 4uestion% +hen# one day# a !riend as"ed 0ob i! he ould go on a blind date ith his girl!riend.s roommate% 0ob had met lots o! onder!ul young ladies on blind dates# and readily a$$epted% +he night $ame# and they ent to the girls. apartment% When they ere in,ited in# 0ob.s !riend introdu$ed him to the young lady that ould be his date% 10ob# I.d li"e you to meet ?atalie% ?atalie# this is 0ob%3 And ith that# 0ob !ound himsel! staring into the smiling !a$e o! the girl hose pi$ture he $arried in his allet% &or him# it as one o! the most an8ious nights o! his li!e# !earing that# at any moment# he might inad,ertently e8pose that pi$ture he no desperately anted to "eep hidden% And hen the date as o,er# he 4ui$"ly disposed o! it%

0ut his per!e$t ruse as ruined# and more than anything# he no !eared she.d !ind out and as" the 4uestion he dreaded% 1Why do you ha,e my pi$ture in your allet hen I don.t e,en "no you23

% 2riend@s $irlfriend : Or Not

I hadn.t arri,ed home !rom ?e 7or" ,ery long be!ore my $ousin anted to set me up ith her roommate% I as ,ery shy# and dating as hard !or me% 0ut my $ousin as one o! my best !riends# and I trusted her a lot# so I a$$epted% When I met ?atalie# I had to admit that she as beauti!ul% Her personality as magneti$ and !un% 0ut# still# there as something that bothered me about her# and I /ust $ouldn.t put my !inger on it% We ent to a mo,ie and then e ent out !or i$e>$ream% I as smitten by ho pretty she as# and yet# something "ept nagging at me% It as "ind o! li"e the !irst time I sa a $opy o! the 9ona )isa% Something as there that I asn.t sure aboutG something !amiliar but distant% While e ere eating our i$e>$ream# e started tal"ing about here e ere !rom% When I mentioned I as !rom St% Anthony# her e8$itement as unbounded% 1I "no somebody !rom St% Anthony63 When she mentioned that she had gone out ith one o! my best !riends# 0ob# suddenly the lights $ame on !or me% She as the beauti!ul girl that had been 0ob.s girl!riend all through high s$hool% I had ne,er personally met her be!ore# but more than on$e he had sho n us her pi$ture# hi$h he "ept tu$"ed a ay in his allet% +he pi$ture as et$hed deep into my memory% In the pi$ture# ?atalie as smiling a gorgeous smile hile dressed in the tra$" uni!orm o! her s$hool% E,ery time someone had as"ed 0ob about his girl!riend# he had hipped it out and sho n it proudly% ?o # here I as on a date ith her# my !riend.s girl!riend# or e8>girl!riend# or something% Suddenly I !elt ,ery un$om!ortable% She tal"ed about hat a great guy 0ob as% I agreed ith her# and !elt e,en more un$om!ortable# ondering i! they ere still dating% Still# i! it hadn.t been !or the dis$om!ort I !elt# it probably ould ha,e been a per!e$t e,ening% When my $ousin as"ed me about a se$ond date ith ?atalie# I tried to de$line% 10ut it might hurt her !eelings#3 she told me% I still didn.t say yes or no# but I put o!! ans ering !or as long as I $ould hile I !igured out hat to do% As lu$" ould ha,e it# I ran into 0ob% 1Hey# 0ob% :uess ho I met2 I met your old high s$hool girl!riend%3 0ob seemed morti!ied by this% 0ut hat surprised me e,en more as ho he a$ted hen I told him my $ousin had set me up on a date ith her% 1Isn.t that eird23 I as"ed% 0ob.s response as !ar di!!erent than I e8pe$ted% He en$ouraged me to $ontinue to date her% 10ut I thin" she still li"es you#3 I said% 1I mean# you t o ere boy!riend and girl!riend !or hat# !i,e years23 0ob.s responses ere ,ague and more $on!using than e,er% 0ut he assured me that there as no ay he $ould or ould date her# and ould be happy to ha,e me do so% With his insisten$e# I ent out ith ?atalie a $ouple more times# but still# I $ouldn.t get past the !a$t that she had been 0ob.s girl!riend !or about !i,e years% It /ust didn.t seem right to date her% 7ears ent by% 0ob and I ea$h married and had !amilies o! our o n% +hen# one day# hen e got together and ere ,isiting about old times# I mentioned ?atalie% 0ob grinned and told me more o! the story% 1She really asn.t my girl!riend all o! those years li"e you thought% I gre tired o! people as"ing me i! I had a girl!riend# so I !ound a pretty girl at the tra$" meet e attended# and too" her pi$ture% I "ept it in my allet and $laimed she as the one% I as really !rea"ed out hen I as a$tually set up on a blind date ith her%3 I laughed% 1And I $ould ne,er get past the !a$t that she as your girl!riend% It.s !unny the

strange $ur,es li!e thro s at us%3 +hen 0ob loo"ed o,er at ea$h o! our t o onder!ul i,es ho ere ,isiting ith ea$h other% 17eah# but it all seemed to or" out !or the best in the end%3

I %) $rateful 2or % 2at'er ,'oBBB

S$hool had /ust gotten out# and my s$out troop as or"ing on putting together a $ampout% 1Where.s Searle23 one o! the boys as"ed% I loo"ed around the group and# sure enough# Searle asn.t there% +hat really surprised me% Searle as the per!e$t young man% He ne,er missed s$outs and ne,er got into trouble% He as small and spo"e 4uietly hen he spo"e# but he as 4uite intelle$tual% In !a$t# he as so mu$h so that most o! hat he said ent past the other boys% +hey ould be tal"ing about something and he ould spea" ith ords that sounded li"e they $ame out o! a Sha"espearean play% +he other boys ould loo" at him li"e he had dropped out o! the s"y# and then they.d go ba$" to their $on,ersation as i! Searle hadn.t said anything% And# hile the other boys ould usually /ump headlong into something# Searle ould al ays thin" through it $are!ully be!ore he did it% &ather.s Day $ame the ne8t Sunday# and Searle /oined us at $hur$h% As e met together !or our youth meeting# the boys rote letters to their !athers about hat they ere grate!ul !or% I had spe$ial $ards !or them to put the letters in to gi,e to their !athers% As the boys passed ba$" their pens and unused papers# Searle a$$identally passed me his letter% I glan$ed at it and almost $ho"ed as I read# 1I am grate!ul !or a good !ather ho is illing to $ome and get me out o! /ail at 1'00 in the morning%3 Searle as up !or an ad,an$ement# and as supposed to stay a!ter the meeting to ha,e a s$outmaster $on!eren$e ith mysel! and my assistant% As our $on!eren$e started# I handed Searle.s letter ba$" to him% He blushed hen he reali=ed I had seen hat he had ritten% 1So# Searle# do you ha,e anything you ant to tell us23 I as"ed% 1Well#3 he said# 1I missed s$out meeting last ee" be$ause it as the last day o! s$hool# and some !riends tal"ed me into some things%3 1What "ind o! things23 I as"ed% 1Well# it as one thing that led to another# and so on%3 he ans ered# beating around the bush% 1And hat ere those things23 I as"ed% 1Well# at !irst e ere /ust going to $limb up on the ater to er a!ter dar"% 0ut# then# one o! the guys de$ided it might be !un to put a goat or t o up there% +hen someone said it ould be more memorable i! it ere a $o %3 He paused# and I $ould see my assistant as ha,ing trouble holding a straight !a$e% 1:o on#3 I en$ouraged% 1Well# e got the $o to the base o! the to er# and then e $ouldn.t !igure out ho to pull her up% I $limbed up on top and rigged a pulley# and the guys on the ground started in$hing her up% About hal! ay up she got ner,ous and started thrashing about% She started s inging ba$" and !orth li"e a pendulum in a hurri$ane% 1+hat as hen the Sheri!! sho ed up% All o! my !riends ran o!!# and there I as ith that stupid $o ti$">to$"ing along the ater to er# and me unable to get do n and get a ay%3 When he stopped# he loo"ed at me% 1So# do I not get the ad,an$ement23 9y assistant had tears pouring do n his !a$e and as $hortling so loud I $ould hardly tal"% 1Well# Searle# part o! your ad,an$ement is based on $iti=enship% Ho do you !eel about your $iti=enship hen you ere trying to put a $o on the ater to er23 9y assistant rea$hed o,er and hit me in the shoulder% 1:o easy on him% When I as his age#

my !ather ould ha,e been glad to !ind out I as in /ail /ust so he ould "no here I as%3 And ith that# Searle got the ad,an$ement# but only a!ter he promised he ould not attempt to put any more $o s on the ater to er%

5o)et'in+ New= 5o)et'in+ Bubbly

When I ans ered the phone# I re$ogni=ed the ,oi$e on the other end as belonging to one o! the e8e$uti,e se$retaries at the uni,ersity here I or"% 1(ro!essor Ho ard#3 she said# 1I understand that you "no *ussian23 1I ha,e studied it !or t o years#3 I responded# 1but I.m not sure that $onstitutes "no ing it%3 1+hat.s better than most#3 she replied% 17ou ha,e probably heard that e ha,e a girls. $hoir $oming !rom ?o,osibirs"# *ussia# and I.m sure you "no about ?o,osibirs"%3 I told her that I had heard about the $hoir# and did# indeed# "no o! ?o,osibirs"% ?o,osibirs"# a large $ity deep in Siberia# $onsisted almost entirely o! s$ientists and their !amilies% 9ost o! the or" done there as se$reti,e and# there!ore# it had been a $losed $ity% <ery !e outsiders ere allo ed in# and almost no $iti=ens ere allo ed out% 0ut ith the !all o! the 0erlin Wall# and demo$rati$ $hanges# that $ity as opening up% 1Well# e ha,e run into a slight problem#3 the se$retary $ontinued% 1+hese girls ha,e almost ne,er been outside o! ?o,osibirs"% +he outside orld ill be ,ery di!!erent to them% Instead o! putting them up in hotels# e hoped to ha,e hosts !amilies that $ould sho them hat e are li"e# and# perhaps# share some o! the !un things !rom our $ountry ith them% Sin$e you ha,e had a little *ussian and $ould $ommuni$ate ith them# e ere ondering i! you might host some o! them%3 I tal"ed to my i!e# and e agreed that it might be !un# espe$ially sin$e e had teenage daughters o! our o n% So the uni,ersity s$heduled !or us to ha,e !our o! the girls stay ith us% We planned a lot !or the day% 5ur daughters helped us de$ide that the !oods should be pi==a# lasagna# + in"ies# and Ding Dongs% We bought them ea$h a shirt that had 1Idaho3 on it# and e also prepared lots o! !un a$ti,ities% +he e,ening !inally arri,ed# and the hole !amily ent to pi$" them up% When e met the girls that ould be staying ith us# our $hildren ere not ready !or the "iss on the $hee" they used as a greeting% E,en I# "no ing that as their $ustom# had not prepared mysel!% +hat night e had a big pi==a party# and# o! $ourse# e had lots o! pop% When e !irst sho ed them the pop# the girls ere slightly $on$erned% 1<od"a23 one o! them as"ed% I shoo" my head and tried to tell them it as pop% 1?yet% Eta soda.3 N?o% It is sodaO% 5ne girl smiled% 15h% Co$a>Cola%3 I learned she had tasted that on$e on a short trip a ay !rom home% We opened all sorts o! pop so they $ould taste them% +he girl ho had tried Co$a Cola poured a !ull glass !rom one o! them# and she gulped it do n% Suddenly she let out a huge# un$ontrollable burp and started to giggle% +hat $on,in$ed the other girls it as ,od"a !or sure% 0ut a!ter some time# ith the !irst girl.s urging# and due to the !a$t she didn.t appear drun"# other than burping and giggling# they all e,entually tried some% Ha,ing ne,er had anything li"e it be!ore# it had an espe$ially pro!ound e!!e$t on them% +hey ould try to hold the burp in only to ha,e it $ome out their nose% 5ne o! them# spea"ing in *ussian# said 1I! I don.t burp# my nose does%3 All o! our other a$ti,ities ent out the indo as e# instead# spent the e,ening letting them drin" lots o! pop# burp# and laugh# hile e laughed at their delight% As a group# they dran" three t o>liter pit$hers o! pop% When it as time to go to bed# e passed around the + in"ies and Ding Dongs% +he delight in ea$h girl.s eyes as she bit into them as ell orth the e8pense% +hey all hugged us good night# and then one said# in bro"en English# 1Ameri$a !unny pla$e%

I mu$h li"e%3 And# ith that# they ent to bed# only to learn the other e!!e$t o! a lot o! pop > being in the bathroom most o! the night%

2reedo) ,e Take 2or $ranted

?ot many years a!ter the !all o! the 0erlin all# the uni,ersity here I or" as"ed us to host !our teenage girls !rom ?o,osibirs"# *ussia# in our home% 9y *ussian as !ar !rom per!e$t# but one o! the young ladies spo"e a little English# and bet een the t o o! us e ere able to $ommuni$ate% A!ter a !un !illed Ameri$ani=ed e,ening $onsisting o! pi==a# pop# Ding>Dongs# and + in"ies# e sat do n !or our !amily.s nightly s$ripture reading% As e did# the girls started tal"ing e8$itedly and rapidly in *ussian# so I as only able to $at$h snat$hes o! their $on,ersation% 5ne o! them# spea"ing to the others# pointed to the boo" I held and as"ed i! they thought it might be 0ible% +he others shrugged and said they didn.t "no % 1I doubt it $ould really be a 0ible#3 one girl replied% 1Why don.t you as" him23 the girls as"ed o! the girl that "ne a bit o! English% She shoo" her head and seemed $on$erned that it might o!!end me% Ha,ing learned !rom a *ussian !riend about their go,ernment.s anti religious ,ie s# I as a!raid that our reading might# in turn# o!!end them% In my bro"en *ussian I told them that it as indeed a 0ible and e read !rom it as a !amily e,ery night% I told them !urther# that i! it bothered them they didn.t need to /oin us% Instead o! being o!!ended# the girls s armed around me% 1Can e tou$h it23 one girl as"ed% I held it out to them# and they e8$itedly too" it# and $are!ully lea!ed through its pages% 9y i!e as"ed me about their e8$itement and hat as going on# and I said I asn.t sure% A!ter the girls had spent some time ith it# I as !inally able to get them to e8plain their enthusiasm% +hey said that sin$e ?o,osibirs" as a s$ienti!i$ $ity# the $iti=ens had re$ei,ed a lot o! pri,ileges% Ho e,er# they ere also the !irst to be e8pe$ted to li,e the Communisti$ ideas% +hat in$luded abolishing anything religious% +hough they eren.t born hen it happened# their older relati,es tal"ed o! the 1purging day3 hen all religious things# espe$ially 0ibles and other su$h boo"s# ere burned% Sin$e the !all o! the 0erlin all# religious !reedom as beginning to !lourish# but getting hold o! anything as really hard% 9ost people espe$ially anted to read a 0ible% Some o! the older generation had read !rom one in their youth# and hungered to do so again# hile the younger generation had an unsatiable $uriosity about it% 10ut#3 the one girl $ontinued on in *ussian# 1 e only "no o! t o 0ibles le!t in the hole $ity%3 I thought I misunderstood% In a $ity o! almost 1%5 million there surely had to be more than t o 0ibles% 0ut the girls insisted that i! there ere more# they ere hidden% 5ne girl said the 0ible.s o ners rented them out# but only i! a person deposited 100#000 rubles NIE000O# and then paid 1000 rubles NIE0O per ee" in rent% +he girls spent a long time loo"ing through the 0ible# and hen they !inished# e did our nightly reading% As e,eryone ent to bed# I $onsidered the !reedoms I ta"e so mu$h !or granted# in$luding the !a$t that a person $an read hate,er they li"e# the 0ible# the Qur@an# the +orah# the 0oo" o! 9ormon# or anything else% As I $onsidered hat a pri,ilege that is# I de$ided to do something about it% I $alled my *ussian tea$her and as"ed i! he "ne here I $ould pur$hase a *ussian 0ible% He said he had one I $ould buy% I immediately ent to his house and bought it% +he ne8t day my !amily presented it to the girls# ma"ing them promise not to use it to gain

money# but only to share% +hey said they ould# and $are!ully pa$"ed it into their luggage% +he girl that "ne a little English then turned to me and smiled as she spo"e% 1?o # ?o,osibirs" ha,e three 0ibles%3 And# as !or me# ea$h &ourth o! -uly I thin" about their ,isit# and it ma"es me more grate!ul !or !reedoms that I ta"e !or granted ea$h day%

Best 2is'in+ 51ots %re 7e1t 5ecret

It as the !irst ee"end o! !ishing season# and I as ta"ing my !amily to my !a,orite !ishing spot% I stopped at a gas station to !ill up# and one o! my best !riends# )enny# pulled in beside me% I $ould tell by the gear in the ba$" o! his tru$" that he# too# as heading out to soa" some orms% 1Hey# )enny63 I yelled% 1)oo"s li"e you.re heading out !ishing%3 15! $ourse#3 he replied% 1I as supposed to or" today# but I $ouldn.t let the !irst day o! !ishing season go by% A!ter all# a bad day !ishing beats a good day at or"%3 I laughed% I lo,ed to !ish# but I asn.t as hoo"ed on it as )enny as% As e started to !ill our gas tan"s# e at$hed a motor home about the si=e o! *hode Island pull in beside us% A man stepped out to !ill his tan"% He as dressed in $amou!lage !atigues ith a hat on his head that as !ull o! all sorts o! !an$y# tied !lies% He as ready to seriously hunt do n some !ish% He listened as )enny and I $ontinued to ,isit% When e !inished !illing our tan"s# he $ame o,er to tal" to us hile his hose $ontinued to drain hal! o! the ;%S% oil reser,es into his ,ehi$le% 1:entlemen#3 he said# 1I $an tell by your dress and manner o! spee$h that you are !ishermen% And it loo"s to me as i! you are nati,es to this area% I ould# there!ore# be mu$h obliged i! you $ould point me to some o! that blue ribbon !ishing that I hear abounds in this ,i$inity%3 )enny loo"ed at me# and I $ould tell by the loo" on his !a$e that he as thin"ing# 1Who let Sha"espeare out o! England23# but he didn.t say it% Instead# he turned to the gentleman and smiled% 1Sure# I $an gi,e you dire$tions% :o a$ross the bridge# through the stoplight# and !our more blo$"s north% +urn le!t there# and head est# going about three miles% Don.t ta"e any $ur,es# but "eep going straight until you get to the stop sign% +a"e a right# and go e8a$tly ten and a hal! miles% 7ou ill !ind a dirt road there to your le!t% +a"e that and go si8 miles# and you.re there%3 +he man than"ed him# !inished !illing his tan"# and as soon on his ay% A!ter he le!t# I turned to )enny% 17ou ga,e him dire$tions out into the middle o! the desert% Are you sure there.s e,en any ater there23 15! $ourse not#3 )enny said% 1I ouldn.t tell my best !riend my se$ret !ishing spots# let alone a stranger%3 Almost immediately# some teenagers approa$hed and as"ed us here they $ould go !ishing% 1:o to the stop light and turn le!t#3 )enny said% 1&ollo the main road $ur,ing le!t# then right# and you ill immediately !ind some ponds on your le!t right near the $emetery%3 +he young men than"ed him and le!t% 1)enny# didn.t you /ust gi,e them dire$tions to the to n.s septi$ ponds23 I as"ed% 1So# maybe they ill $at$h some $arp#3 he sni$"ered% 1Carp23 I 4uestioned% 1+here is no $arp there%3 1Well# o"ay% I $ould ha,e gotten the a and the r s it$hed#3 he retorted% 1+hat asn.t ,ery ni$e#3 I said% 1Well# there is no ay I ould tell a $omplete stranger here I go !ishing#3 he replied% 17ou ould tell me# though# right23 I as"ed% 1Sure#3 he ans ered% 17ou go to the stop light and turn le!t% &ollo the main road $ur,ing le!t# then right and you ill !ind yoursel! at some ponds by a%%%3 15"ay# I get the pi$ture#3 I replied% 1I don.t plan to !ish in the septi$ ponds%3 1So here do you !ish23 he as"ed% 1Well# you go through the stop light and !our blo$"s north% 7ou ta"e a le!t and go about

three miles# not ta"ing any $ur,es but going until you hit a stop sign% :o e8a$tly ten and a hal!%%%3 )enny laughed% 1(oint ell ta"en%3 And# so# e le!t !or our o n !a,orite !ishing spots# ea$h o! us being $are!ul to ma"e sure e eren.t being !ollo ed%

T'at 51a) I %)
I attended a math $on!eren$e !or three days in Washington D%C%# and $hose not to ta"e any ele$troni$ de,i$e !or $he$"ing my email% When I $ame ba$"# my email a$$ount had almost rea$hed its 4uota# and there ere hundreds o! unread messages% Almost all o! them ere spam% +he !iltering system e ha,e on our ser,ers ta"es out nearly 200 spam emails e,ery day on my a$$ount# but it still lets about 100 through% In my !rustration# I rote the !ollo ing ,erse# ith input !rom my !amily# about things e hate% 5thers ha,e probably done similar ritings# but here is our ,ersion% So# ith apologies to Dr% Seuss# as ell as to anyone ith any sense o! hat is a$tually good poetry# I gi,e you' 51a):I:%) That spam-I-am, that spam-I-am. How I hate that spam-I-am. In my email every day, Taking time to throw away. ills and girls and stocks galore. I unsu!scri!e !ut "ust get more. The #igerian minister of finance, wants to give me thanks in advance $or giving him my !ank account, %o he can send money of a large amount. I know it wouldn&t !e that long, 'ntil it was my money that was all gone. (iet pill and an e)ercise mat* +ho was it that told them I was fat* %omeone who would market my invention, ills to enhance !ody parts I dare not mention. ,irls who say they think I&m super hot. (o they know me* -!viously, they do not. +atches and vacations and homes and rings, And lots and lots of other things. They think I need a .ussian !ride, I have a rich distant relative who has "ust died. A !arrister wants to share his wealth, #ow that he is in poor health. There&s lotions to help restore my hair, dating sites are everywhere. They&ll lock my ay al account !y noon, If I don&t give them my password soon. There are gadgets that without a dou!t, They say they know I can&t live without, $uneral insurance so I can die in peace, life insurance !acked !y !onds from ,reece. +hat&s this, oh my, how can it !e* /y email won the lottery. I&ve done illegal things they claim. %end money or my name they will defame. An error with my ta)es has arisen, If I send money all will !e forgiven. And so on and on forever it goes, like a !ad poem or terri!le prose. (o I like these in my !o), 0ots of offers that are all crocks* I do not like them in my !o). All those offers that are all crocks. (o I like them here or there* #o, they can stick them in their ear. +ould I like to meet a fo), a .ussian girl with golden locks* +ould I like to purchase stocks, or enhancement pills in a private !o)* I would not like to meet a fo), or purchase stocks, or enhancement pills in a private !o). Try it and you&ll like it they say. How stupid do they think I am anyway* -h, yes, I hate this spam-I-am, I like me "ust the way I am. And so I thought and thought and thought, +hat would I do with all this rot* /ost things I think of aren&t too kind, 1ut there are a few things that come to mind. If I could have my way right now, I would take all of these spammers and somehow 0ock them on a desert island I could find, $ar away from all of mankind. I&d call the island %pam-A-0ot, And they could spam each other with all they&ve got. 1ut to

spam the rest of us they could not. And the rest of the world would !e a !etter place, +hen there was no spam for us to erase.

Heartac'e Of Bein+ % Parent

+he do$tor too" a deep breath be!ore sharing the un el$ome ne s% 1I.m a!raid that i! you ant to sa,e her ,ision in the one eye# she ill ha,e to ha,e surgery%3 I loo"ed at my s eet little daughter# +rissa# sitting so bra,ely on the big hite bed# and my heart a$hed% We had tried e,erything to a,oid this# but to no a,ail% We had noti$ed hen she as an in!ant that her one eye didn.t seem to !o$us on us% We had ta"en her to an opthamologist# and he had let us "no that her one eye asn.t or"ing ith the dominant one% And# as the dominant one too" more and more o! the or" load# the other one tended to do less and less# until she as losing ,ision in it altogether% +o try to strengthen the ea"er eye# the do$tor had us put a pat$h o,er the stronger one% 0ut she $ouldn.t see ell# and she ould tear the pat$h o!!# so I sat do n ith her and e8plained hy e had to lea,e it on% 0et een our tal" and a more permanent pat$h# she le!t it mostly alone% It as hard to at$h her bump into things hile her ,ision slo ly returned to the ea"er eye% 0ut e,en harder as at$hing other $hildren tease her% At Hallo een# to help out# e dressed her as the $utest little pirate e,er% &inally# the day $ame that the pat$h as remo,ed% We had great hope it had done the tri$"# but# e,en though her ,ision had returned# the minute the dominant eye started or"ing again# the ea"er one began to slide ba$" into ina$ti,ity% +hat as hen the do$tor told us that surgery as li"ely the only option to permanently sa,e her ,ision% It as shortly therea!ter that +rissa and I headed !or an appointment at (rimary Children.s Hospital# a !i,e hour dri,e a ay% +rying to ma"e the trip !un# e stopped to eat at her !a,orite restaurant# and I played her !a,orite $hildren.s songs on the tape player as e tra,eled% I steeled my heart !or the spe$ialist.s prognosis# but $ould still not blo$" the despair I !elt in my heart hen he told me that surgery had to be done right a ay% )ess than a ee" later# lea,ing our other three $hildren ith my brother.s !amily# my i!e and I too" our little daughter to the hospital% I too" +rissa on my lap and e8plained hat ould happen# and she seemed !ar bra,er at three years old than I# mysel!# !elt% And nothing $ould prepare me !or the dread I !elt hen she al"ed o!! ith the nurse !or the surgery% It seemed li"e !ore,er be!ore they told us she as $oming out o! the anesthesia# and in,ited us into the re$o,ery room% It as almost more than I $ould bear to see our little daughter ith both eyes bandaged% She as $rying !rom the pain# and I as allo ed to ta"e her into my arms% 5n$e she "ne it as me# she snuggled in tightly# as i! see"ing sa!ety# and her $ries turned to sni!!ling and himpering% When the do$tor $ame to gi,e us the report# he in!ormed us they had been able to do 4uite a bit# but it ould most li"ely ta"e t o more surgeries% With my daughter still $urled up in my arms himpering# I told him I asn.t sure I $ould at$h her go through any more% He loo"ed at me ith great understanding as he spo"e% 17es you $an% As a parent# the hardest thing you ill e,er do is endure the hearta$he o! at$hing your $hild su!!er% 0ut there is one thing stronger than your desire to remo,er the su!!ering# and that is your lo,e% And# sin$e you "no it ill help her# you ill endure it% And I did%

T'e I)1erfect $ift

+he days !ollo ing her !irst eye surgery# my s eet little daughter# +rissa# su!!ered greatly !rom pain that no medi$ine $ould 4uite alle,iate% 9y i!e and I spent many hours holding her and $om!orting her% As she started to heal# she $ould sense her ,ision as impro,ing% When it $ame time !or the se$ond surgery# e,en though she as only !our# she bra,ely resigned hersel! to the !a$t that it as !or her bene!it% 9y i!e and I had a harder time preparing oursel,es !or it than she did% +hrough the hole ordeal# my brother.s !amily# ho li,ed !airly $lose to the hospital# al ays made a pla$e !or us to stay hen e needed to be do n there# and they too" $are o! our $hildren hen both my i!e and I ere at the hospital% :ood neighbors too" $are o! $hores# brought dinners# at$hed o,er our house# and loo"ed !or any other ay they $ould help% When e had $ome home !rom the !irst surgery# a good neighbor anted to do something# and struggled to thin" o! anything e $ould use% +he only thing she $ould thin" o! as a stu!!ed bear !or +rissa% She !ound one that as per!e$t !or snuggling% It as /ust the right si=e and as stu!!ed /ust enough so it had the so!tness o! a pillo % 0ut it had one ma/or !la % 5ne o! the eyes as missing% She tried to !ind one /ust li"e it that had both eyes# but there eren.t any others that ere 4uite the same% She $onsidered getting a di!!erent "ind o! stu!!ed animal# but "ept $oming ba$" to the one>eyed bear% &inally# she /ust de$ided it had to be the one% As she "no$"ed on our door# she started to ha,e se$ond thoughts% What ould +rissa thin" about a less than per!e$t stu!!ed animal% 5ur neighbor suddenly !elt sel!>$ons$ious and a " ard% She $onsidered /ust saying hi and lea,ing# and not gi,ing +rissa the bear% We barely heard her timid "no$"# and hen e ans ered# e in,ited her in% As she $ame into the room here +rissa as# hat she sa $aused her more $on$ern# and she put the bear behind her ba$"% +rissa sat on the $ou$h surrounded by stu!!ed animals o! e,ery "ind that had been gi,en to her !rom lo,ing parents# grandparents# aunts# un$les# and !riends% +hey ere all ne and shiny# not missing any parts% 5ur good neighbor stammered and struggled ith her !eelings o! inade4ua$y at hat she no $onsidered a bro"en gi!t% 0ut she still !elt she ought to gi,e it to +rissa# and# e,entually# she held it out% +rissa loo"ed at it through her one eye that asn.t bandaged% A smile lit her hole !a$e as she $aught sight o! the empty spot here the bear.s eye should ha,e been% 15h 9omma# Daddy# loo"# he is /ust li"e me63 She hugged him tightly to her $hest and started ro$"ing him as she spo"e so!tly the ords I had said to her so many times as she as $oming out o! her anesthesia% 1It.s o"ay% I.m here% I.ll ta"e $are o! you%3 She pointed at the one missing eye% 1)oo"# Daddy% He needs me be$ause I understand hat he is going through%3 As our neighbor started to apologi=e that the bear asn.t per!e$t# I /ust smiled% 1It loo"s to me li"e he is per!e$t%3 As time ent on and +rissa endured !urther surgeries# all other stu!!ed animals ere soon !orgotten# and !inally stored a ay% 0ut +oby# the one>eyed bear# as al ays there !or +rissa to ta"e $are o! as he also too" $are o! her% And# indeed# the imper!e$t gi!t ended up being the per!e$t gi!t a!ter all%

5isterly Lo.e
+rissa stomped into our bedroom% 19a"e her lea,e +oby alone63 +oby as +rissa.s spe$ial +eddy bear% He as a per!e$t si=e and ,ery so!t% 0ut# most importantly# he only had one eye% +rissa had endured many eye surgeries hen she as young and as ,ery atta$hed to her one>eyed bear% I pulled +rissa up $lose to me% 1Who ould be bothering +oby23 I as"ed% 1E,erybody "no s he.s your bear%3 1It.s -enna#3 she $omplained% 1She "eeps ta"ing him out o! my room and on.t gi,e him ba$"%3 I smiled% -enna as only t o years old# and as /ust at that age here she thought e,erything belonged to her% She $ouldn.t understand hy +oby should be any di!!erent% What I didn.t understand as hy -enna ould ant him% He as orn !rom the $onstant lo,e he had re$ei,ed and gi,en o,er the years% We had many stu!!ed animals that ere !ar ni$er and ne er% I $hose the best one !rom our stu!!ed animal stash# and ent ith +rissa to try to persuade -enna to relin4uish her $laim on +oby% I held it out to her% 1Here# S eety% Why don.t you ta"e this one and gi,e +oby ba$" to +rissa%3 In response# -enna hid +oby behind her ba$" to "eep him a ay !rom us% ?o amount o! $oa8ing or bribing $ould persuade her to gi,e him up% &inally# +rissa grabbed +oby !rom -enna and too" o!! running to her room ith -enna s4uealing $lose behind% +his same s$ene o$$urred day a!ter day# until a !e months later% -enna be$ame ,ery si$" and had a high !e,er% We too" her to the do$tor# and he told us she had a bad in!e$tion% He pres$ribed a strong antibioti$ !or her% 0ut ea$h time e ga,e her the medi$ine# she ould immediately thro it up% We $alled the do$tor# and he told us to "eep trying !or 2H hours# but i! she still $ouldn.t "eep it do n by then# e should bring her in% 0ut a!ter a !e hours o! $uddling her# listening to her breathe harder and harder# and at$hing her !e,er $ontinue to $limb# e de$ided e eren.t going to ait% At the hospital they immediately put her on an i%,% ith the antibioti$ !lo ing in# and an intense battle began !or her li!e% +he do$tor told me that I as lu$"y that I didn.t ait longer# but he as still $on$erned hether e had $ome in time% I stayed up the hole night# $he$"ing on her# helping to $ool her ith i$e>pa$"s# and $om!orting her% I as e8hausted the ne8t morning hen the rest o! the !amily $ame !or a ,isit% -enna as still breathing hard# but lay other ise motionless on the big bed% It as hard !or the !amily to see her little body ith the many tubes and ires atta$hed to her% +rissa ent o,er and gently pla$ed +oby ne8t to her% -enna.s eyes !luttered open# and she smiled a ea" smile o! re$ognition% +rissa smiled in return% 1He.ll help you get better#3 she said to her little sister% -enna.s !e,er !inally bro"e# and the day e,entually arri,ed hen# still pale and ea"# she as able to return home% She $ontinued to snuggle +oby as she gre stronger e,ery day% 5n$e she had !inally re$o,ered $ompletely# I !elt it as time to broa$h the sub/e$t o! gi,ing +oby ba$" to +rissa% 0ut hen I did# -enna /ust held him tighter% +rissa heard me and $ame o,er to us% 1Don.t orry about it# Dad% When -enna as really si$"# I promised :od that i! he ould help her get better# I ould ne,er as" !or +oby ba$"

again%3 I smiled% +oby# the one>eyed bear ho had be$ome a symbol o! +rissa.s $ourage to !a$e the $hallenges o! surgery# no be$ame the symbol o! her lo,e !or her little sister# and no he ould also at$h o,er a se$ond little girl and help her through her $hallenges%

Buyin+ Better 8as1berries

9y $hildren and I had been busy pi$"ing raspberries# enduring the heat o! the sun% We !inally !elt e had enough to !ill all o! the orders so# s eaty and thirsty# e retreated to the $ool o! the house% We !illed the !lats and !ound out that e did ha,e enough ith ,ery little to spare% We happily sat do n !or a ell>deser,ed brea"% +hat as hen the phone rang% When I ans ered it# I heard a lady.s ,oi$e on the other end% 1Is this the pla$e that sells raspberries23 I told her it as# so she $ontinued% 1Ho mu$h do you $harge !or a !lat o! raspberries23 1We $harge I2H% 5ur !lats $onsist o! 12 ,ery !ull pints# not hal! pints%3 1+hat sounds good#3 the lady said% 1Ho e,er# I only buy the best 4uality# !reshest raspberries%3 I told her e pi$"ed them /ust be!ore people bought them so they ould be ni$e and !resh# and it ould ta"e about an hour to !ill a !lat !or her% She said she anted one and ould be out# so I headed ba$" out into the sun to pi$"# letting my $hildren ta"e a brea"% I had barely $ome in ith the raspberries hen the lady sho ed up% 9y $hildren helped me 4ui$"ly put them into a !lat# and e,en heaped them up% +he berries ere beauti!ul% 0ut hen the lady loo"ed at them# she started to $omplain% 1I sa a stem in those hen you poured them%3 1Well# yes#3 I ans ered# 1there might be a !e stems# but there shouldn.t be too many%3 1I don.t ant any ith stems in them%3 I told her e $ould sort through them and try to ta"e out the one or t o stems# but I as a!raid that ould mash them% 1It ould be easier and better !or them i! you /ust did it as you ash them#3 I said% 1I.m a!raid these berries don.t meet my high standards#3 the lady hu!!ed% 1I "ne better than to $ome to some little berry !arm to buy raspberries% I ha,e almost al ays pur$hased them at a $ommer$ial garden stand# and I guess I.,e learned my lesson%3 With that she turned and le!t% As soon as she as gone# I turned to my i!e% 1Is there someone else that e $an sell these to# or should e /ust use them oursel,es2 +hey.ll be too ripe by tomorro %3 As e ere dis$ussing it# the phone rang% It as the o ner o! a lo$al# small# $ommer$ial produ$e stand% 1Would you guys happen to ha,e a !lat o! raspberries I $ould buy right no 2 I.m out o! the ones you sold me yesterday# and I ha,e a $ustomer here%3 I told him e had /ust pi$"ed an e8tra !lat# and I ould bring it right o,er% We sold them to him !or only I1K# so e pre!erred to sell them on our o n% 0ut it as better than nothing# and e already had more than e $ould use !or oursel,es% When I arri,ed at his stand# I pulled around ba$"% He too" the berries !rom me# and $arried them out to the !ront to sell them% I $ould hear him tell the person that it ould be IED% I sighed# ishing I as ma"ing that mu$h% I ,isited ith an employee !or a moment# and then headed ba$" to my $ar% +hat as hen I ran into the lady that had $ome to our house# and she as $arrying the ,ery !lat o! raspberries I had /ust brought% She held them up% 1?o # this is the "ind o! raspberries I am illing to buy#3 she said smugly% 1I suppose# then#3 I said# 1it is good that I brought them o,er here !or you%3 She loo"ed at me# stunned% 1+hese are yours23 1Well# they ere#3 I ans ered% 10ut hen you didn.t buy them# I brought them o,er here so

the o ner o! this produ$e stand $ould sell them to you%3 Capitalism is a strange thing% 9aybe i! I had $harged her the IED she ould ha,e !elt they ere better berries and bought them !rom me%

T'at 8eally 5tinks

It as a hot summer# and the sun beat do n mer$ilessly on us as e hauled hay% I as young# so it as my /ob to roll the bales into line to "eep a steady stream o! them mo,ing to the $on,eyor that $arried them up the side o! the tru$"% +here# my t o older brothers sta$"ed them until the tru$" as !ull% Ea$h time a tru$" as loaded# e ould ta"e a ater brea"% In the searing heat my shirt as 4ui$"ly soa"ed ith s eat# and the ater as ,ery el$ome% 0ut ay too 4ui$"ly the ne8t tru$" ould arri,e# and e ould head ba$" to or"% Ea$h night e ould put !our gallon /ugs hal! !illed ith ater into the !ree=er so that the ne8t day the i$e ould "eep the ater $old as e or"ed% 0ut as the temperatures $limbed o,er 100 degrees# the amount o! ater e $onsumed in$reased dramati$ally% We "ept re!illing the /ugs# and the i$e disappeared 4ui$"ly# lea,ing ater that as $ool at best# and arm most o! the time% &or that reason# as e !inished the last load ea$h e,ening# I al ays loo"ed !or ard to pulling into a small rest stop outside o! the to n here e eighed our hay% +here as an old hand pump there% (umping it as !un in itsel!# but e,en better as the i$e>$old ater that !lo ed !rom it% Quite o!ten e ould put our hole head and $hest under and let the almost>!ree=ing ater $ool us do n be!ore e ould gulp !rom the enormous stream that poured out o! it% We ould ta"e turns pumping and drin"ing until e $ould barely addle ba$" to our aiting tru$"% +hen# one day# as e dro,e up to ma"e our regular stop# e !ound the road into the rest stop roped o!! ith a sign that said it as $losed% At !irst e thought it must be something temporary# but as the days passed ith it still $losed# e began to !ear that it might be permanent% We tal"ed to our !ather about it# and he told us there had been a story $on$erning it in the paper% We retrie,ed the paper# and he read it to us# $on!irming that the rest stop ould remain $losed% +he story in the paper said that one night during the pre,ious inter# a drun"en man had stopped at the rest stop% Along ith the onder!ul pump# there as a dilapidated old outhouse% 0e$ause o! the shape it as in e almost ne,er used it# and I.m sure no one else did either# unless they ere desperate% 0ut this man# in his into8i$ated state# de$ided to do so% When he did# he lost his allet do n the ten>!oot>deep hole% 0eing inebriated# and not thin"ing about the depth# he de$ided to rea$h in and see i! he $ould retrie,e it% In his tipsy $ondition# he lost his balan$e and plunged head!irst into the hole% He nearly dro ned be!ore he got upright# but# e,en a!ter sur,i,ing that# the top as too high !or him to rea$h# so he as stu$" there% +he aste as a mi8ed blessing% +he heat !rom it as barely enough to "eep him !rom !ree=ing to death# but he as still $old and e8tremely miserable% )u$"ily# the ne8t day# an obser,ant motorist reali=ed that the man.s $ar had been there !or a long time# and de$ided to $he$" to see i! something as rong% +he man sur,i,ed# but sued the state# not only !or the ordeal he had been through# but !or the humiliation he $ontinued to !a$e as the story got out# and he be$ame the butt o! many /o"es% 9y dad rapped up the story% 1+he state "ept the rest stop open hile the la suit pro$eeded# but hen the man on a substantial settlement# they made the de$ision to $lose it permanently%3

19an# that really stin"s#3 one o! my brothers $omplained% And it.s true# it did stin"# but probably not as mu$h as the man that !ell into the hole%

How To $et Out Of Band lass

9y son# S$ott# !ound a trumpet in a se$ond>hand store% +he sign on it said that it didn.t or"# and it as pri$ed lo a$$ordingly% He pulled it out o! its $ase and loo"ed it o,er% It as a good brand# and loo"ed to be in almost ne $ondition% He is an e8$ellent trumpet player# so he tried it# but# indeed# no sound $ame out% Still# $onsidering the shape it as in# and "no ing that his mother o ned a band instrument repair shop# he de$ided to buy it# hoping he $ould !i8 it% 5n$e the trumpet as home# my i!e# Donna# $he$"ed it o,er% +here as nothing out ardly rong ith it% In !a$t# !rom all appearan$es# it as in mint $ondition# and loo"ed barely used% 0ut# ith a more in depth $he$"# she 4ui$"ly "ne that air as not !lo ing through it at all% It as totally plugged internally# and that as hy it didn.t or"% 0ut hat $ould be blo$"ing it that tightly2 We ha,e !ound e,erything !rom marbles and $hal" to potatoes and sand i$hes inside instruments# but they still allo ed some air !lo % +a"ing this parti$ular trumpet apart# S$ott soon !ound the problem% While shining a light into the ,ery deepest part o! it# the $orner o! a pie$e o! paper $ould barely be seen% He $ould not grasp the paper ith anything# so he had to resort to other methods% 5ne o! the many tools my i!e has !or repairing instruments is a long ire# $oated ith plasti$# ith a brush on the end% S$ott or"ed that through the pipe# but the /am as too tight to push it on through% He had to push on the brush !rom one end hile lightly tapping the trumpet on a rubber mat% :radually the $orner o! the paper mo,ed do n to here he as !inally able grasp it ith a long pair o! needle nosed pliers% He didn.t ant it to tear# so he $ontinued pushing !rom one end hile $are!ully pulling !rom the other% &inally# hen it had loosened enough# he as able to slo ly pull it out% 0ut hen he ble through the trumpet# he $ould tell that the air !lo as still partially blo$"ed% + o more times he !ollo ed the same pro$edure# ea$h time remo,ing another pie$e o! paper% 5n$e he had the three pie$es o! paper out# he put the trumpet ba$" together and !ound it played beauti!ully% He also !ound that the three pie$es o! paper he had pulled out !it together li"e a pu==le into a single# normal sheet o! paper% When he $onne$ted them# he !ound one side o! the paper had the instru$tions !or proper $are and handling !or ea$h instrument in the band# the type o! paper a tea$her passes out on the !irst day o! $lass% 0ut hat as more interesting as hat as hand ritten on the ba$"% It said' /r. ,, I don&t want to take !and this year. I only wanted to take it one year and decide from there. +ell, I took it one year, !ut my parents are forcing me to take it again. %o I was wondering if you could kick me out. It&s not you, you&re a great teacher, it&s "ust that I&m not the !and type, and !esides, this year I was hoping to take %panish. %orry. %heri. % 2ould you please not tell my parents a!out this so I can tell them on my own turf* Than) A!ter reading the paper# e reali=ed hat as the li"ely s$enario% I! her s$hool as li"e most# the tea$her $ouldn.t "i$" her out o! $lass unless she $ommitted a ma/or in!ra$tion o! rules% *eading her letter told us that she probably asn.t that type o! girl% So e guessed that she de$ided to ta"e matters into her o n hands and ma"e sure the trumpet asn.t playable% A!ter all# a person $an.t be in band hen her instrument on.t play# $an she2

O'= DeerD
-enni!er and Sarah both plopped into $hairs near the !ront o! the $lassroom% -enni!er turned to me and rolled her eyes% 1(ro!essor Ho ard# are all boys stupid# or hat2 I mean# I thin" I ha,e !inally !ound one ith a minimal amount o! intelligen$e# only to ha,e him do something that ma"es me onder i! his brain ne,er !ully de,eloped be!ore birth%3 Sarah 4ui$"ly /umped in% 15! $ourse# she asn.t meaning you or anything% -ust the $ollege aged ones%3 I laughed% 1I ha,e done my share o! stupid things in my li!e% 0ut /ust hat stupid thing are e tal"ing about here%3 1Well#3 -enni!er said# 1you "no that e are roommates# right23 I nodded# so she $ontinued% 1We are also !rom the same hometo n in Cali!ornia# as are most o! our roommates% We all de$ided to s"ip some $lasses# and ta"e o!! !or home the &riday be!ore +han"sgi,ing so e ould ha,e more than a !ull ee" o! brea"%3 15"ay#3 I said# 1but hat has this got to do ith boys23 17ou see# I ha,e a boy!riend ho is%%% Ho ould you des$ribe him# Sarah2. 1He.s a stupid redne$"63 1He.s not a redne$"#3 -enni!er said# sounding slightly o!!ended% 1He /ust li"es to hunt%3 1Well# he is stupid% And# in my opinion# anyone that li"es to hunt is a redne$"63 Sarah $ountered% 1A lot o! people around here hunt#3 I told her% 1So did e,ery person that !irst settled this $ountry% 0ut that doesn.t ma"e them all redne$"s%3 19y point e8a$tly#3 -enni!er said% I as still $on!used about here this as going% 1I.m not sure hy a guy is stupid /ust be$ause he hunts%3 15h# it.s not the hunting that ma"es them stupidG it is hat they do ith it#3 -enni!er said% 17ou see# he didn.t "no e ere lea,ing on &riday# and so that idiot%%%3 1*edne$" idiot63 Sarah interrupted% -enni!er turned to Sarah# 1+han" you# but I thin" I $an ta"e it !rom here63 She then turned ba$" to me% 1Any ay# li"e I said# he didn.t "no e ere lea,ing on &riday% He de$ided that he anted to do something spe$ial to as" me out to the Christmas !ormal% 1It also so happens that on the same &riday e le!t# he shot a deer% He thought he had $ome up ith the per!e$t plan% I don.t "no ho it as that let him into our apartment# but%%%3 1I still thin" it as the apartment manager.s husband#3 Sarah said% 1He.s a man# and only another man ould ha,e been stupid enough to let him in%3 -enni!er grumbled at being interrupted again% 1+han" you# Captain 5b,ious% 5! $ourse he.s a man# but he says he didn.t let him in# and e don.t ha,e any proo! he did%3 Sarah /umped in again% 1Any ay# her bo=o boy!riend%%%3 -enni!er $ut her o!!% 1I as telling it% Any ay my# uh# e8>boy!riend# got a$$ess to our apartment someho on the Saturday right a!ter e le!t# and he put the deer head right in the middle o! our li,ing room%3 1And he hung a sign on it that said AWill you be a dear and go ith me to the Christmas !ormal.#3 Sarah added% -enni!er glared at Sarah and $ontinued% 1It as there !or o,er a ee"# and as a gross# stin"y mess% +he $arpet had pretty mu$h disintegrated underneath it and all around it%3

Sarah $himed in% 1And the hole pla$e as !ull o! maggots%3 -enni!er spo"e gru!!ly% 1+han" you !or a bit too mu$h in!ormation /ust be!ore lun$h%3 1Well# I guess you do ha,e to gi,e him $redit !or $reati,ity#3 I said% 10ut I assume you told him you ouldn.t be going out ith him# huh23 -enni!er loo"ed embarrassed as Sarah spo"e% 1?ah% She.s so desperate she still said yes%3

If you enEoyed our book= will you 1lease do a re.iew for usB

%bout T'e %ut'or Daris Ho ard is an author and play right ho gre up on a !arm in rural Idaho% He asso$iated ith many $olor!ul $hara$ters in$luding $o boys# !armers# lumber/a$"s and others% 0esides his or" on the !arm he has or"ed as a $o boy and a me$hani$% He as a state $hampion athlete and $ompeted in $ollege athleti$s% He also li,ed !or eighteen months in ?e 7or"% Daris and his i!e# Donna# ha,e ten $hildren and ere !oster parents !or se,eral years% He has also or"ed in s$outing and $ub s$outs# at one time ha,ing 1K boys in his s$out troop% His plays# musi$als# and boo"s build on the $hara$ters o! those he has asso$iated ith# along ith his many e8perien$es# to bring his or" to li!e% Daris is a math pro!essor and his $lasses are ell "no n !or the stories he tells to li,en up dis$ussion and to help bring a$ross the points he is trying to tea$h% His s$ripts and boo"s are mu$h li"e his stories# !ull o! humor and inspiration% He and his !amily ha,e en/oyed running a summer $ommunity theatre here he gets a $han$e to premiere his theatri$al or"s and re or" them to ma"e them better% He has plays translated into :erman and &ren$h and his or" has been done in many $ountries around the orld% In the last !e years# Daris has started riting boo"s and short stories% He rites a popular ne s $olumn $alled )i!e.s 5utta"es# that $onsists o! ee"ly short stories and is published in ,arious ne spapers and maga=ines in the ;%S% and Canada in$luding Country# Hori=ons# and &amily )i,ing%

Ot'er books
by

Daris Howard 5)as',ords Pa+e? 'tt1?FFwwwBs)as'wordsBco)F1rofileF.iewFdaris'oward

Life@s Outtakes books

;ac' book contains -& 'u)orous and ins1irational s'ort storiesB

,'en T'e ,orld $oes raGy Life@s Outtakes Year !

'tt1?FFwwwBs)as'wordsBco)FbooksF.iewF-4/66

%ll@s ,ell Here Life@s Outtakes Year &

'tt1?FFwwwBs)as'wordsBco)FbooksF.iewF!(*4!0

,'en Life Is More T'an ,e Drea)ed Life@s Outtakes Year (

http'RR %smash ords%$omRboo"sR,ie R1EHF2F

Not'in+ But % Miracle Life@s Outtakes Year *

http'RR %smash ords%$omRboo"sR,ie R1DDBD0

5in+in+ To T'e ;nd Of Life Life@s Outtakes Year o)in+ To 5)as'words

It's Ninety Percent Mental Life@s Outtakes Year 6

o)in+ To 5)as'words

Ot'er Books

;ssence Of T'e Heart= T'e 8oyal Tutor

o)in+ To 5)as'words /ystery, Intrigue, And 2lean .omance3 When he is $alled be!ore the 4ueen# -a$ob# the handsome# young Captain o! the *oyal :uard# is sure it is to dis$uss the ba!!ling in$rease in assassination attempts against the royal !amily% Instead# the 4ueen assigns the sho$"ed young $aptain to tutor her out>o!>$ontrol# tomboy daughter# 9arie% He "no s all o! the other tutors ha,e !ailed miserably# and he tries to beg out o! it# but the 4ueen ill not relent% Ho e,er# she does gi,e him lea,e to use any tea$hing method he li"es% Her ultimate $ommand is that she be trained as a lady in preparation !or her royal ball% Angry and humiliated at hat he !eels is a degrading and impossible assignment# espe$ially !or a military $aptain# he determines to train the prin$ess li"e he ould one o! his guardsmen% He ill demand strong dis$ipline# tough a$ademi$s# and s ord $ombat training% He is sure that his rigorous approa$h ill push the prin$ess to $omplain to her mother# ho ill then remo,e him !rom the assignment% 0ut to his surprise# 9arie instead responds positi,ely to the harsh dis$ipline# and be$omes a prin$ess li"e no other% And# hen they $ome under atta$"# her training might be /ust enough to sa,e both o! their li,es as they or" to unra,el ho is behind the assassination attempts# and also try to sol,e the mystery o! hy the )ord High Chamberlain is su$h a great s ord !ighter%

T'e T'ree $ifts

'tt1?FFwwwBs)as'wordsBco)FbooksF.iewF!4644( A beauti!ul Christmas story about three young men ho are $on,i$ted o! mugging little $hildren !or their Hallo een $andy% Instead o! senten$ing them to /ail# as is e8pe$ted# the /udge senten$es them to 100 hours o! $ommunity ser,i$e babysitting at the Women@s Crisis Center% +hey ere prepared !or /ail# but they ere not prepared !or hat as in store !or them as the $hildren opened their eyes and hearts and $hanged their li,es%

Plays fro) Dra)a5ource a

Publis'in+ Ins1iration o)1any

T'e Mail:Order Bride HDra)aF o)edy Play 5cri1t"

A tou$hing# but humorous story o! a young man ho or"s to bring his !ian$e to ?e !oundland% ;n"no n to him she has married and sends a mail>order bride in her pla$e% 5ne o! our most popular plays%

%1ril 2ools HDra)aF o)edy Play 5cri1t"

+hree roommates de$ide to play an April &ools /o"e on their roommate by setting her up ith a none8istent guy% 0ut hen a guy arri,es ho has been beaten and mugged and $an@t remember ho he is she thin"s he is the guy%

ultural Differences HDra)aF o)edy Play 5cri1t"

+his is a !un se4uel to +he 9ail>5rder 0ride here Anya@s !ather sold her% ?o he $omes to ,isit and !inds himsel! in a $ulture here omen thin" !or themsel,es% A lot o! humor dealing ith the di!!eren$es in t o people@s $ultures

Hy1notic 5u++estions HMelodra)a Play 5cri1t"

Charlie# the old /anitor# has a$$identally $reated a potion that ill hypnoti=e people% Stu# the hero# must stop the ,illain be!ore he $an hypnoti=e the heroine and get her to marry him and steal her !ather2s !ortune%

T'e T'ree $ifts H 'rist)as Play 5cri1t"

A beauti!ul Christmas story about three young men ho are $on,i$ted o! mugging little $hildren !or their Hallo een $andy% Instead o! senten$ing them to /ail# as is e8pe$ted# the /udge senten$es them to 100 hours o! $ommunity ser,i$e babysitting at the Women@s Crisis Center% +hey ere prepared !or /ail# but they ere not prepared !or hat as in store !or them as the $hildren opened their eyes and hearts and $hanged their li,es%

Lo.e= 5ick= %nd MonteGu)a's $old HDra)a 5cri1t Play 5cri1t"

+he e,il 0artholome 0la$"burn and his sister (ris$illa ha,e tri$"ed 9r% :i,ing into mortgaging the deed to his ran$h !or an old $a,e that is supposed to be !ull o! gold% +his is one o! the !unnest and most popular melodramas e,er%

Lilacs In T'e <alleyN9usi$al (lay S$riptO

0ased on a true story# this is a humorous# but tou$hing story o! a young man named Alma Hale% Alma is part o! a agon $ompany heading est% He has a $lose "nit !amily and Alma himsel! is a bit o! a pran"ster% +his is humorous but ,ery tou$hing musi$al%

Trut' %nd onseIuences HMelodra)a Play 5cri1t"

+he heroine@s !ather has died lea,ing an intriguing ill% He le!t to his daughet his !ortune# but no none "no s here or hat it is% +he hero and his !riends# 0ea"er and Charlie# ha,e got to !ind it be!ore the ,illain and his $ohort%