JOHN LENNON IN HIS OWN WRITE

(c) John Lennon, 1964

CONTENTS Introduction John Lennon in His Own Write !rt"# $!%e No &"ies on &r!n' (ood $o) Ni)e" *t the $enis The &!t (rowth on Eric He!r+"e The Wrest"in) $o) ,!ndo"-.s !rt# The &!/ous &i%e throu)h Woenow *++e# S!d 0ich!e" I W!ndered * Letter Scene three *ct one Tre!sure I%!n *"" *+ord S1eechin) The &in)"eto!d ,esort o- Teddi%iscious *"ec S1e!'in) Lidd#1oo" 2ou 0i)ht We"" *rs' Nice"# Nice"# C"i%e Ne%i""e C"u+

The 0o"d# 0o"d# 0!n 3 On S!-!ir# with Whide Hunter I S!t 4e"one"# Henr# !nd H!rr# $e!- Ted, $!noot!, (!nd /e) * Sur1rise -or Litt"e 4o++# H!"+ut ,etur+ 5nh!11# &r!n' On this Chur"# 0orn 6ictor Triu/1hs *)!in !nd 0rs We!ther+# Le!rns ! Lesson I ,e/e/+er *rno"d 3 Written in conjugal with Paul INT,O$5CTION *t Woo"ton %i""!)e -ete I /et hi/7 I w!s ! -!t schoo"+o# !nd, !s he "e!ned !n !r/ on /# shou"der, I re!"i8ed th!t he w!s drun'7 We were twe"%e then, +ut, in s1ite o- his side+o!rds, we went on to +eco/e teen!)e 1!"s7 *unt 0i/i, who h!d "oo'ed !-ter hi/ since he w!s so hi)h, used to te"" /e how he w!s c"e%erer th!n he 1retended, !nd thin)s "i'e th!t7 He h!d written ! 1oe/ -or the schoo" /!)!8ine !+out ! her/it who s!id9 .!s +re!thin) is /# "i-e, to sto1 I d!re not d!re7. This /!de /e wonder ri)ht !w!# : .Is he dee1;. He wore )"!sses so it w!s 1ossi+"e, !nd e%en without the/ there w!s no ho"din) hi/7 .Wh!t .+us;. he wou"d s!# to how"s o- !11reci!ti%e "!u)hter7 He went to <u!rr# 4!n' Hi)h Schoo" -or 4o#s !nd "!ter !ttended to the Li%er1oo" *rt Co""e)e7 He "e-t schoo" !nd 1"!#ed with ! )rou1 c!""ed the 4e!t"es, !nd, here he is with ! +oo'7 *)!in I thin' : .Is he dee1;. .Is he !rt#, with it or cu"tured;. There !re +ound to +e thic'he!ds who wi"" wonder wh# so/e o- it doesn.t /!'e sense, !nd others who wi"" se!rch -or hidden /e!nin)s7 .Wh!t.s ! 4ru//er;. .There.s /ore to =du++ ow"d +oot= th!n /eets the e#e7. None o- it h!s to /!'e sense !nd i- it see/s -unn# then th!t.s enou)h7

!u" 7S7 I "i'e the dr!win)s too7 JOHN LENNON IN HIS OWN W,ITE he""o>

PARTLY DAVE There once u1on ! ti/e w!s ! /!n who w!s 1!rt"# $!%e : he h!d ! /ission in "i-e7 .I./ 1!rt"# $!%e. he wou"d )row/ in the /ornin) which w!s h!"- the +!tt"e7 O%er +re!'-!st he wou"d !)!in s!# .I !/ 1!rt"# $!%e. which !"w!#s unner%ed 4ett#7 .2our in ! rut $!%e. ! %oice wou"d s!# on his w!# to wor', which turned out to +e ! co"oured conductor> .It.s !"ri)ht -or #ou7. $!%e used to thin', "itt"e re!"i8in) the co"oured 1ro+"e/7 !rt"# $!%e w!s ! r!%in) s!"es/!n with the )i-t o- the ?o+, which !"w!#s unner%ed 0!r#7 .I see/ to h!%e -or)otten /# +us -!re, Co++er,. s!id $!%e not re!"i8in) it7 .(erro-- the +us then. s!id 4!su+ooo in ! %oice th!t +ode not +oot, not re!"i8in) the co"oured 1ro+"e/ hi/se"- re!""#7 .O7@7. s!id 1!rt"# $!%e, hu/+"# not wishin) to o--end7 .4ut wou"d #ou "i'e #our d!u)hter to /!rr# one;. ! %oice see/ to s!# !s $!%e "e1t o-- the +us "i'e ! +urnin) s1!stic7 NO FLIES ON FRANK

There were no -"ies on &r!n' th!t /ornin) : !-ter !"" wh# not; He w!s ! res1onsi+"e citi8en with ! wi-e !nd chi"d, w!sn.t he; It w!s ! t#1ic!" &r!n' /ornin) !nd with !n !)i"it# th!t de-ies descri1tion he "e!1t into the +!rthroo/ onto the sc!"es7 To his )re!t h!ro"d he disco%ered he w!s twe"%e inches /ore t!"" he!%#> He cou"dn.t +e"ie%e it !nd his +"ood r!ised to his he!d c!usin) ! /i)ht# red co"ourin)7 .I c!rn.t not +e"ie%e this incredi+"e -!ct o) truth !+out /# %er# +od# which h!s not )!ined -!t since /other +e)!t /e !t chi"d+urn7 2e!, thou)h I w!rt throu)h the %!"et o- th# sh!dow# hut I wi"" -eed no nor/!n7 Wh!t )r!te Au!"/s# h!th t!'en /e thus into such ! -!tt# h!rd+uc'"e7. *)!in &r!n' "oo'ed down !t the !w-u" %ision which c"ouded his e#es with -e!r-u" wei)ht7 .Twe"%e inches /ore he!%#, Lo>, +ut !/ I not /ore -!tt# th!n /# +rother (eo--er# whose -!ther *"ec c!/e -ro/ @enneth : throu)h Les"ies, who +e)!t *rthur, son o- Eric, +# the house o- ,on!"d !nd *1ri" : 'ee1ers o- J!/es oNewc!st"e who r!n 0!de"ine !t B:1 +# Si"%er &"ower, (1C:B) 1!st Wot:ro:Wot !t 4DEd ! 1ound;. He ?ourne#ed downst!irs cr!st-!""en !nd de-ecti%e : ! )re!t w!it on his +ou"ders : not e%en his wi-e.s +!ttered -!ce cou"d r!ise ! s/i"e on 1oor &r!n'.s he!d : who !s #ou 'now h!d no -"ies on hi/7 His wi-e, ! -or/er +e!ut# Aueer, re)!rded hi/ with ! str!n)e +ut +ur"# "oo'7 .Wh!t !i"s thee, &r!n';., she !s'ed stretchin) her 1rune7 .2ou "oo' de?ected i- not in-or/!",. she !dd"ed7 .Tis nothin) +ut w!rt I h!%e )!ined +ut twe"%e inches /ore t!"" he!%# th!n !t the %er# c"oc' o- #esterd!# !t this ti/e : !/ I not the /ost /iser!+"e o- /en; Su--er #e not to s1!'e to /e or I /i)ht thrust #ou ! /ort!" in?ur#F I /ust tr!dd"e this tri!" !"one7. .Lo> &r!n' : thou h!st s/ote /e h!rsh"# with such )r!%e t!"' : !/ I to +"!/e -or this %!st +urton;. &r!n' "oo'ed s!d"# !t his wi-e : -or)ettin) -or ! /o/ent the c!use o- his /iser#7 W!"'in) s"ow"# +ut s"ow"# tow!rd her, he too' his he!d in his h!nds !nd with ! -ew swi-t +"ows h!d c"u++ed her /erci-u""# to the )round de!d7 .She shou"dn.t see /e "i'e this,. he /u++"ed, .not !"" -!t !nd on her thirt#second +irthd!#7. &r!n' h!d to )et his own +re!'-!st th!t /ornin) !nd !"so on the -o""owin) /ornin)s7 Two, (or w!s it three;) wee's "!ter &r!n' !w!'es !)!in to -ind th!t there were Gsti""G no -"ies on hi/7 .No -"ies on this &r!n' +o#,. he thou)htF +ut to his

!/!8e/ent there see/ed to +e ! "ot o- -"ies on his wi-e : who w!s sti"" "#in) !+out the 'itchen -"oor7 .I c!rn.t not 1!rt!'e o- +re!d !nd th!t with her "#in) !+out the 1"!ce,. he thou)ht !""owed, writin) !s he s1o'e7 .I /ust de"i%er her to her ho/e where she wi"" +e /!de we"co/e7. He )!thered her in ! s/!"" s!c' (-or she w!s on"# -our -oot three) !nd he!ded -or her ri)ht-u" ho/e7 &r!n' 'noc'ed on the door o- his wi-e.s /others house7 She o1ened the door7 .I.%e +rou)ht 0!ri!n ho/e, 0rs Suthers'i"". (he cou"d ne%er c!"" her 0u/)7 He o1ened the s!c' !nd 1"!ced 0!ri!n on the doorste17 .I./ not h!%in) !"" those -"ies in /# ho/e,. shouted 0rs Suthers'i"" (who w!s %er# house1roud), shuttin) the door7 .She cou"d h!%e !t "e!st o--ered /e ! cu1 o- te!,. thou)ht &r!n' "i-tin) the 1ro+"e/ +!c' on his +ou"ders7 GOOD DOG NIGEL *r-, *r-, he )oes, ! /err# si)ht, Our "itt"e h!ir# -riend, *r-, *r-, u1on the "!/1ost +ri)ht *r-in) round the +end7 Nice do)> (oo +o#, W!))ie t!i" !nd +e), C"e%er Ni)e", ?u/1 -or ?o# 4EC*5SE WE.,E 5TTIN( 2O5 TO SLEE *T TH,EE O& THE CLOC@, NI(EL7 AT THE DENIS 0!d!/9 I h!%e ! h!""owed tooth th!t su--er /e )r!te"#7 Sir9 S"# down in th!t "e)ch!ir 0!d!/ !nd o1en #our )or+"e wide : #our /ouse is !"" +ut tooth"ess7 0!d!/9 *"!d> I h!%e +ut ei)ht tooth re/!inin) (ei)ht tooth "e-t)7 Sir9 Then #ou h!%e "ost ei)ht# three7 0!d!/9 I/1oss#+"e7

Sir9 E%er#do++# 'nows there !re -oor decisi%es two c!n#ons !nd ten )rundies, which /!'e thirst# two in !""7 0!d!/9 4ut I h!%e done e%er#thin) to s!%e /# tooth7 Sir9 erhu/1s> +ut to no !%!)ue7

0!d!/9 *h> wh# did I not insu"t #ou sooner; Sir9 To "!te, it /ust +e now or ne%i""e7 0!d!/9 2ou wi"" 1u"" it out -or /e then; Sir9 No, /!d/!n, I wi"" eHcrete it7 0!d!/9 4ut th!t is %er# 1!in-u""7 Sir9 Let /e see it : Cr!c'> there it +e /!d!rce7 0!d!/9 4ut sir I wished to 'ee1 (w!s !nHious to 'ee1) th!t tooth7 Sir9 It w!s !"" +"!c' !nd /ood#, !nd the others !re too7 0!d!/9 0erc# : I wi"" h!%e none toe!t with soon7 Sir9 * -ree N!st# He!th set is )ood, !nd #ou wi"" "oo' thirt# #e!rs ?un)"e7 0!d!/9 (*side) Thirt# #e!rs ?un)"eF (*"oud) Sir I !/ no c!tho"ic, 1u"" out !"" /# stu/1s7 Sir9 O7@7 (u//#7 THE FAT GROWTH ON ERIC HEARBLE One -!t /ornin) Eric He!r+"e w!'e u1 with !n !+nor/!n -!t )rowth ! +o/+"# on his he!d7 .Oh cru/+,. s!id Eric He!r+"e, who w!s ! %er# %er#, sur1rised7 *n#w!# he c!rried on !s Nor/!n -or wh# shou"d he worried; *"" o- sudd# he he!rd ! s/!"" "itt"e %oice c!""in) hi/ +# n!/e, .Eric777Eric He!r+"e. it see/ed to s!# thou)h I cou"dn.t s!# -or sure7 Th!t ni)ht the %er# s!/e %oice s1o'e s!#in) .Eric, I !/ !

)rowth on #our %er# he!d, he"1 /e, Eric7. Soon Eric +ec!/e %er# !tt!ched to his -!t )rowth -riend7 .C!"" /e Sc!+,. the %oice s!id !nd he w!s7 .C!"" /e Eric,. Eric s!id n!tur"# !s he cou"d7 &ro/ then on #ou ne%er s!w Eric without the +i) -!t sc!+ )rowth on his he!d7 *nd th!t.s wh# Eric He!r+"e "ost his ?o+ te!chin) s1!sticd to d!nce7 .Were not h!%in) ! cri11"e te!chin) our "!ds,. s!id He!d: /!ster7 THE WRESTLING DOG One u1on ! to/ in ! -!r o-- dist!nt "!nd -!r !cross the se! /i"es !w!# -ro/ !n#w!# o%er the hi""s !s the crow +!rcs E9 1eo+"e "i%ed /i"es !w!# -ro/ !n#where on ! "itt"e is"!nd on ! dist!nt "!nd7 When the h!r%est ti/e c!/e !"on) !"" the 1eo1"e ce"e+r!ted with ! /i)ht# -e!st !nd d!ncin) !nd th!t7 It w!s err#.s (-or err# w!s the Loud 0!#or) ?o+ to 1ro%ide (!nd err#.s )re!t 1"e!sure I /i)ht !dd) ! new !nd eHcitin) (!nd it usu!""# w!s) thri"" !nd s1ect!cu"!r 1er-or/er (so/eti/es ! dw!r- w!s used), this #e!r err# h!d sur1!ssed hi/se"%e +# )ettin) ! Wrest"in) $o)> 4ut who wou"d -i)ht this wondrous +e!st; I wou"dn.t -or ! 'ic' o--7 RANDOLF'S PARTY It w!s Chris+us ti/e +ut ,!ndo"1h w!s !"one7 Where were !"" his )ood 1!"s7 4ernie, $!%e, Nic'#, *"ice, 4edd#, &re+!, 6i))#, Ni)e", *"-red, C"i%e, St!n, &ren', To/, H!rr#, (eor)e, H!ro"d; Where were the# on this d!#; ,!ndo"- "oo)ed s!))"# !t his on"# Chris1+ut c!rt -ro/ his d!d who did not "i%e there7 .I c!n.t underst!n this +ein) so !"one"e# on the one d!# o- the #e!r when one wou"d sure"# s1ect ! 1!" or two;. thou)ht ,!n)o"-7 H!n#w!# he c!rried on 1uttin) u+ the desicr!tions !nd /u88"e toe7 *"" o- ! sur)eon there w!s !/err# ti/+"e on the door7 Who +ut who cou"d +e ! 'noc'in) on /# door; He o1end it !nd there st!ndin) there who; +ut on"# his 1!"s7 4ernie, $!%e, Nic'#, *"ice, 4edd#, &re+!, 6i))#, Ni)e", *"-red, C"i%e, St!n, &ren', To/, H!rr#, (eor)e, H!ro"+ weren.t the#; Co/e on in o"d 1!"s +udd#s !nd /!tes7 With ! +i) )ri-- on his -!ce ,!ndo"-- we"co/+ed the/7 In the# c!/e ?or'in) !nd "!++in) shou+in) .H!dd# (ri//+"e, ,!ndoo+7. !nd other he!rt#,

!nd then the# !"" ?u/+ed on hi/ !nd did s/ite hi/ with /i)ht# +"ows !+out his he!d cr#in), .We ne%er "i'ed #ou !"" the #e!rs we.%e 'nown #ou7 2ou were ne%er r!e""# one o- us #ou 'now, so-t he!d7. The# 'i""ed hi/ #ou 'now, !t "e!st he didn.t GdieG !"one did he; 0err# Chrustcho%e, ,!ndo"- o"d 1!" +udd#7 THE FAMOUS FIVE THROUGH WOENOW ABBEY It w!s ho"id!# ti/e -or the -!/ous -i%e +# Eni) 4"#terF To/, St!n, $!%e, Ni)e", 4erniss, *rthur, H!rr#, Wee Joc'e#, 0!too/+o, !nd Cr!i); &or the 1!st 1I #e!rs the -!+"ed -i+e h!d +een -or/in) into !d%entures on %!ricose is"!nds !nd secrete %!""ets with their -!/ous i"" +red do), Cr!)es/ure7 Their 1o1u"!r 5nc"e hi"1o"e with his 1o1u"!r cur"# white h!ir !nd his ru))ed red we!ther +!ttered -!ce !nd his 1o1u"!r -isher/!n.s +oots !nd his +i) ?un'# swe!ter !nd his "itte" cott!)e7 .(rudd"# od, (rudd"# od,. the tr!in see/ed to s!#, .(rudd"# od, we.re on our ho""id!#s,. !nd the# were7 on !rri%!" the# noticed ! /#sterious str!n)er who +ode no i""; .Oi wh!t.s this .ere,. he s!id -ro/ +ehind7 .We.re the -!/ous -ire +# (reenod 4"!dder,. re1"ied To/, St!n, $!%e, Ni)e", 4erniss, *rthur, H!rr#, Wee Joc'#, 0!too/+o, !nd Cr!i);, !nd the# were7 .$on.t #ou d!re )o on the /#sterious Woenow *++e# Hi""7. Th!t ni)ht +# the "i)ht o- their -!ith-u" do) Cr!)es/ure, the# t!"'ed Cr!i) !nd 0too/+o into -oin) the dirt# wor?7 Soon the# were !t Woenow *tt"ee )r!8ine u1one !n o"de cr#11ed who turned round to +e the -urti%e str!n)er7 .@ee1 o-- the )r!ss,. he !s'ed -r!e ! )re!t h!t7 0!too/+o s1r!n)e !nd soon o%er1owdered the o"d cr#1t with ! h!"-he"sie7 Cr!i); Auic'"# -ried the o"d cr#1t to)ether7 .W!rt is the secrete o- Woe+e!t $o++#;. Cr!i); !s'ed7 .2er c!n +e!t /e +ut ne.er #e."" "e!rn the secrete,. he !nswered -ro/ ! )reen hut7 .*n#thin) #ou s!# /!# +e used in E%erton !)!inst #ou,. s!id H!rr#7 *nd it w!s7 SAD MICHAEL There w!s no re!son -or 0ich!e" to +e s!d th!t /ornin), (the "itt"e wretch)F e%er#one "i'ed hi/, (the sc!+)7 He.d h!d !

h!rd d!#s ni)ht th!t d!#, -or 0ich!e" w!s ! Coc'# W!tchtower7 His wi-e 4ernie, who w!s we"" contro""ed, h!d wr!++ed his nor/!n "unch +ut he w!s sti"" s!d7 It w!s str!n)e -or ! /!n who/ h!%e e%er#thin) !nd ! wi-e to +oot7 *t 4 o.c"oc' when his -ire w!s +ur'in) +ride"# ! o"e!se/!n h!d c"u++ed in to 1!rse the ti/e !round7 .(oode%en 0ich!e",. the o"e!se/!n s1ee), +ut 0ich!e" did not !nswer -or he w!s de++ !nd du-- !nd cou"d not s1ee)7 .How.s the wi%e, 0ich!e". s1o)e the o"e!se/!n .Shuttu1 !+out th!t>. .I thou)ht #ou were de++ !nd du-- !nd cou"d not s1ee),. s!id the o"e!se/!n7 .Now wh!t !/ I )oin) to do with !"" /# de++ !nd du-+oo's;. s!id 0ich!e", re!"i8in) str!i)ht !w!# th!t here w!s ! 1ro+"e/ to +e rec'oned with7 I WANDERED On +!"/# se!s !nd 1ernie schooners On stri%ers !nd w!r/in) thin)s In ! 1e!nut co!"shed c"!d I w!ndered h!11# !s ! ?ew To /eet )ood $oris &in)7 !st )ris+# trees !nd hu"'# +ui"ds !st r!tters !nd +r!dder shee1 In ! resus +!+# stoo1ed I w!ndered h!ir# !s ! do) To )et ! )oo+ites s"ee1 $own ho%e# "!nes !nd stone# c"!%es $own ric'etts !nd stic'"#s /#th In ! -!tt# he+rew )urth I w!ndered hu/1"# !s ! soc' To /eet +!d 4ernie S/ith A LETTER Sir, Wh# !re there not /ore 1id)ers !nd writt# !+out our -!%orit )rou1 (4erneese und 8ee ,i11ers)7 There !re thirt#:nine o- the/, #ou 'now7 We "i'e it c!use *"ec ?u/+ !+out !nd shoes7 "eese send ! st!++ed undressed en%e"o1e o- 4ern !nd Ern

d!ncin) !nd doin) their s1"endid to entert!in ! /ost desertin) )rou1 !nd we ho1e this -ires #ou !s #ou 'ee"er7 *n !d/irrer7 *-!n SCENE THREE ACT ONE (Scene) * +ro!dshou"dered roo/ cont!inin) hu)h -ire1"!ce -!cin) ! "!r)e +i) wind#, ! )i!nt:si8e des' is co%ered in !"" t#1e o/!n# +usiness 1!1er !nd )re!t disorder to "oo' on7 There !re three or -our or -i%e ch!irs -!cein) the des'7 One !re occu1ied +# ! scrudd# wor'in) c"o), c!1 in hoo' wh!t is )esticu"!ted )re!t"# +ut hu/+"e tow!rd ! +i) -!t c!ti1!"#st +oss7 * white /!n c!re-u""# 1uts co!" on the -ire !nd ste1s +!c' tow!rd ! )i!nt door which see/s to "e!d so/ewhere e"se7 * c!t s/!rtin) in the corner +# the -ire "e!1s u1 !nd s/i"es !"" on the c!r1et7 * 1hot# o- &ie"di/!rcher Loud 0ont)!//er# so"%in) ! 1rod"e/ "oo's down on the two /en, e!ch o- the/ "oo'in) u1 !t it tr#in) to 1"!ce hi/7 * do) is Auiet"# )n!win) !t ! 1i)/# under the )i!nt des'7 The ti/e is h!"- 1!st three on the o"d )r!nd+"!dder c"oc' +# the wind#7 &!tt#9 .It.s h!r- 1!rst three T!dd1i"", !nd the /en h!%en.t done ! stri'e7 Wh# c!n.t we sett"e this here !nd now without resortin) to ! "on) union discussion !nd )oin) throu)h !"" th!t +it !+out #our -!ther7. Scrudd#9 .Wh# don.t #er shut #er )o+ #er +i) -!t )et or I."" 'ic' #er -!ce in7 2er !"" the s!/e #ou rich -!t 4our)ies, wor'in. u8 1oor wor'ers to de!th !nd )ettin) !"" the )e"t !nd )oin) to &r!nce -or #er .o"id!#s7. &!tt#9 ()oin) !"" red !nd !shen) .4ut "isten T!dd1i"" #ou.re on"# wor'in) two hours ! d!# now, !nd three d!#s ! wee' !nd we.re "osin) /one# !s it is, !nd here #ou !re co/1"!inin) !)!in !+out screw screwin) !nd I./ tr#in) to he"1 #ou7 We cou"d h!%e +ui"t our -!ctor# so/ewhere e"se where /en "i'e to wor', +ut Ho no here we !re )o%ern/ent:s1onsored !nd !"" th!t7. Scrudd#9 .Wh# don.t #er shut #er )o+ #er +i) -!t )et or I."" 'ic' #er -!ce in7 2er !"" the s!/e #ou rich -!t 4our)ies, wor'in. u8 1oor wor'ers to de!th !nd )ettin) !"" the )e"t !nd )oin) to &r!nce -or #er .o"id!#s7.

(Enter ! co"oured wo/!n sin)in) ! co"oured son), On her +!c' is ! )re!t +und"e7) 0!//#9 . o1e d!t +!r)e, "e-t th!t +!i". (She un"o!ds her +und"e on the ri)ht o- the des'7) &!tt#9 (I/1!tient"#) .Wh!t is it 0!//#, c!n.t #ou see I./ h!%ein) ! 1rod"e/ with T!dd1i"" !nd #ou co/e in here !"" +"!c' !nd sin): in); *nd )et th!t +und"e o- ruddish !w!# -ro/ /# +i) des'>. 0!//#9 .O7@7 @i/u s!hi+ +w!n!, /!ss!. (she "i-ts the +und"e !nd e!ts it) .Sho. w!s n!ice. &!tt#9 .*n#w!# wh!t w!s it /!//#;. 0!//#9 .$!t w!s #o. "itt"e d!u)hter, +# #o secind wi-e @I05 S*HI4. &!tt#9 (co"ourin)) .4ut I./ not /!rried, o"d 0!//#. (0!//# c"!s1s her h!nds to her he!d horr#-ried) .Oh Lord, I.%e ?es. e!ten ! +!st!rd>. (She runs round the roo/ crossin) herse"-, !nd sin)in) !nother %erse7 Scrudd# st!nds u1 re1"!cein) his c!1 -ir/"# on his he!d : w!"'in) tow!rd the door he h!"- turns "i'e in the -i"/s !nd sh!'es his -ist7) .(et this +"!c' wo/!n out o- this -!ctor# +e-ore the /en -ind out, or #er."" .!%e ! stri'e on #er -!t 4our)ie .!nds7 I./ te""in #er th!t -or nothin. #er o"d +u/>. (Scrudd# w!"'s out o- the roo/ "e!%in) &!tt# : 0!//# !nd -ourteen "itt"e Jewish chi"dren !"" sin)in) to)ether ! 'ind oh#/n7) THE EN$

TREASURE IVAN In ! "itt"e se!shore 1u+ in 4ristow, ! r!))ed )!therin) or!)s !re drin'in) !nd /!'ein) /e""# (+e-ore s!i"in) to se! in ser)e o- )r!te tre!sh# on ! sudden Is"e -!r !cross the oce!n)7 .4e"!# there /e .e!rt# sc!+s,. s!#s L!r)e John S!"i%er enterin)7 e))in) !"on) tow!rds so/e o"d s!%iours who/ h!%e so"ed the se%er!" se!s7 .Where +e the !r!+"e #ou nor/!""# .!%e on #our shou"der, L!r)e John;. *s's 4"ind Jew "oo'in) u17 .Ne%er #e /ind. re1onds L!r)e John .*nd !n#w!#s where +e #our white stic';. =Ow the .e"" shou"d I 'now when oi c!n.t see;. *"" o- ! sudd# S/!"" J!c' H!w'ins cree1 in uno+tru)e"" with ! sidd# )ri1 on his he!d7 .H! h! !! !!r J!c' "!d. s!#s L!r)e John in ! t#1ic!" /!riner /!rino7 Soon the# were he!d# -ir the h!r+o!r with C1t S/e""it !nd SAuire Tre"or)#7 Th!t /or)!n the# s!i"ed with ! he!rt# +ree8e +ehind7 L!r)e John +e)!n to "oo' u1on J!c' !s ! son or so/ethin), -or he w!s e%er 1uttin) his !r/ !+out hi/ !nd s!#in) .H! H!!!!!r., es1eci!""# with ! !r!+"e on his shou"d#7 One d!#, howe%er, S/!"" J!c' H!w'ins w!s ?ust h!11enin) in ! +!rret o!++e#s when he o%er:he!ted L!r)e John !nd se%er!" other s!%i: ours 1"!ntin) to +ot!n# !)!inst the C!1t!in7 .Lun) Ho. cr# ! %oice -ro/ the 1id)eon tow on hi)h, .Lun) Ho !nd !""s we"">. 2es !nd it were true : ! "itt"e I%!n, c#ri" c!r1et !)!ist the hori%!n with 1!"/ist trees !nd coc'#nuts7 .I wou"dn.t +e sur1rised i- there w!s not ! +e!rd# o"d /!n

ho++in) -ro/ roc' to roc'7. Thou)ht $isre!"i H!nds who.d seen the -i"/, !nd there w!s7 The -irst "un)+oot !shore cont!ined L!r)e John S!"i%er S/!"" J!c' !nd so/e others wh!t were nu/erous !nd swe!t# to +e: ho"d7 *n#w!# the# "!nded on the I%!n !nd !n ow"d "oon ?u/1s out c!""in) hi/se"- Sten (unn !nd he.s +een "i%in) !"" o%er the tre!sure -or #e!rs +ec!use crue" o"d C!1t!i%e &"int h!s 1ut the 4"!c' ot on hi/ !nd #ou 'now wh!t h!11ens with ! +"!c' 1ot7 So !-ter ! +it o- stoc'!de !nd th!t the# s!i" ho/e to 4ristow where the#.re !"" !rrested -or de%e"o1/ent !nd J!c' H!w'ins turns round to +e ! thirt# two #e!r o"d /id)et !nd L!r)e John S!"i%er h!s to 1!# -or ! new wood# "e) +ec!use the# run -ro/ -ire1"!ce on the I%!n7 Sten (unn turns round to +e ! #oun) /!n in the 1ri/e o- /inister !nd To/ the -!ith-u" c!t returns to Newc!st"e7 ALL ABORD SPEECHING 17 S1e!' #ou C"e!r !nd N!s!", -or dist!nce7 .,on cordi!""# +e)s to in-or/ 0!/ !"" is -or)i%en7. 0!n# 1eo+"e eH1ress )re!t hei)ht with the word 0!/7 B7 Sin) #ou with "on) %oice7 &or disch!r)e $ee1 +re!thin) is Nesc!-e -or ! d!r' %oice, dee1 +reed: in) !nd in h!"e# is %er# i/1otent -or +ro!dc!st"e !nd out"#in) !rie"s777 %isi+i"it# ni" in ,oc'!"" !nd &red!st!ire; r!ctice d!i"# +ut not i- #ou.re de++ !nd du--7 E7 &or s!/1"e, the word -renetic!""# wrote, /ust +e ch!r)ed )r!//!tic!""# with +owe" 1ronouned str!n)e"#7 e)7 .Whi"e t!"'in) on #ou /# I%!ns !re )ettin) co"d, !nd #ou 'now, !s we"" !s I do, th!t we /ust stri%e the I%!n whi"e it is h!t7. ,e)!rth in OH-!/ the# s1e!' .*i%!n. +ut in C!i/+i")e .Oi%!n.: the +owe" thus strethed 1ronuned : 1i)"o7 r!ctice d!%# +ut not i- #our 0utt !nd Je--7 THE FINGLETOAD RESORT OF TEDDIVISCIOUS ec'"e !nd 4r!ces ((r!n!rthur) :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: How /!n# +od# 1eo+"e w!sh . eot"e !nd "!ices.; In !

recent $oddi1ottidd# o"" ! ro!/in) retorter inter%ined !s'in) : .$o #ou "i'e 4i) (runt# +etter /ore th!n (r!# 4ur'.; To these Auestiu/1 /!n# 1eo1"e !nswered .On the other h!nd who !re we to ?ud)e; I /e!n who !re we.; !nor!sth/! (44C) ::::::::::::::::: The se"- s!/e Auestiu/ w!s !s'ed throu)h so/e /ore 'ind wor?in) -o"' !+out : .$o #ou 1re1!re ,in'"ed $in)"e+one or Tichie 4i/1"e+e!n.; To this inAuest /!n# 1eo1"e !nswerin)7 .Who the he"" is i/1"ed $in'"etoes; *n#w!# Who is he;. This $is1ro%es the i"tdown ,etord th!t9 :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: !) Their !"" w!shin) the r!+io7 +) *re their too /!n# !d%erse/ents on I7T747; Th!t see/s to +e the crutch o- the /!tter7 *s -!r !s I./ concei%ed the#.re -oin) ! )r!te ?o+e7 4ut ret!rdin) the 444C.s $oddu/ent!" &ro)r!//es : eHce"ent e%en i- the# s!# so the#se"-s7 c) 9 1DB 1eod"e w!sh I7T747 *nd the# w!sh 4444C7 E%er# +od#1eo)"e e"se re!d the $e!d"# EHcess or the $!%e# (r!i", eHce1t (od-ree Wind7 ALEC SPEAKING He is 1uttin) it "ithe"# when he s!#s <uo++"e in the (r!ss, Str!+ he down the soddie-"!#s */o !/!t !/!ssF */on' !/in' ! /ini+us, */!r/#"!idie 0oon, */i''# /endi1 /u"ti1"us */i)ht# /id)e# s1oon7 *nd so I tr!dd"ed onw!rd C!rein) not ! c!re Onw!rd, Onw!rd, Onw!rd7 Onw!rd, /# -riends to %ictor# !nd )"or# -or the thirt#ninth7 LIDDYPOOL ,e%i%in) the o"d tr!dition o- Judro 4!thin) is s"ow"# +ut s"ow"# d!ncin) in Lidd#1oo" once /ore7 H!d #ou re/e/+erin)

these ow"d cust!rd o- 4o"d# Street +"owin); The eer H!t is %er# 1o1u"!rce -or sun e!tin) !nd 4oots -or Nude 4ri)hter is h!nd#s when s!i"in)7 We !re not h!11# with her <ueen 6ictorious 0ono"o)ue, +ut W!"'# Throu)h (!""er# is )ood"# when the r!in !nd Sit (eor)ie House is +"!c' (!nd white -ro/ the "itt"e 1i")ri/s -"#in) -ro/ He""s# Co""e)e)7 T!"' H!"" is %er# histeric!" with o"d thin)s wot !re -!'es !nd @in) *nne ne%er s"e1t there I te"" #ou7 Shout *ir+orne is h!nd"# -or 1"!nes i#ou "i'e (no "on)er )o%ern/ent 1!tro""ed) !nd the L7C7C7C7 (Lidd#1oo" Ch! Ch! Ch!) !re doin) ! )re!t thin)7 The 0erse# 4o!t is se""in) !nother three co1ies to so/e )o ho/e -orei)ners who went ho/e7 There is ! "ot to do in Lidd#1oo", +ut not !"" con%enience7 YOU MIGHT WELL ARSK Wh# were re%e"!nt 8e (!ute, unt $oc'er *denoid )ettin) so -riend"#; 2ou /i)ht we"" !rs'7 Wh# w!s Se"do/ Lo#"ed s!))ed; Wh# did H!rr!ssed 0!c0i""ion )o )o"1hin) /it 4od Ho+e; Wh# is &r!n' Cunnin)s !nd !nd the T757C7 !)!inst the Co//en 0!r)!te; 2ou /i)ht we"" !rs'7 Wh# is the $uc' o- Edinc!"%ert ! s!i"in) /it 5dd! &o)s; Wh# did rice"ess 0!r)!rine unt 4on# *r/stro%e )i%e J!/!i'! !w!#; 2ou /i)ht we"" !rs'7 Wh# won.t &riend"# Tru/!1 )i%e his C!1ti%e his 1ension7 NICELY NICELY CLIVE To C"i%e 4!rrow it w!s ?ust !n ordin!r# d!# nothin) unusu!" or str!n)e !+out it, e%er#thin) Auite n!%e", nothin) outst!n"e# ?ust !nother d!# +ut to ,o)er it w!s so/thin) s1eci!", ! d!# !/on)st d!#s777 ! red "ettuce d!#777 +ec!use ,o)er w!s )ettin) /!rried !nd !s he dressed th!t /ornin) he thou)ht !+out the )!# +!tche"or sou1s he.d h!d with !"" his 1!"s7 *nd C"i%e s!id nothin)7 To ,o)er e%er#thin) w!s di--erent, w!sn.t this the d!# his 0other h!d to"d hi/ !+out, in his +est suit !nd !"" th!t, )ri//in) !nd sh!'ein) h!nds, 1eo1"e t#in) +oots !nd rice+udd! on his c!r7 To h!%e !nd to h!r/777 ti"" de!th dut# 1!rt777 he 'new it !"" o-- +# hert87 C"i%e 4!rrow see/ed o+"i%ious7 ,o)er cou"d %i8u!"i8e *nne in her -"owin) wedd# dr!), +ein) whee"ed u1 the !is"e, s/i"in) ! +"essin)7 He h!d +utter-ie"d in his sto/!rce !s he -!stened his +ou)h tie !nd +rushed his h!irs7 .I ho1e I./ doin) the ri)ht thin). he thou)ht "oo'in) in the /irror, .*/ I

)ood enou)h -or her;. ,o)er need not h!%e worried +ec!use he w!s .Shou"d I h!%e -"owers !"" round the s1o'es;. s!id *nne 1o"ishin) her -oot rest7 .Or shou"d I 'ee1 it s#+"e;. she continued "oo'in) down on her )r!in h!ired 0other7 .$oes it re!""# /!tter;. re1!id her 0other we!ri"# wi1in) her si)n7 .He won.t +e "oo'in) !t #our s1o'es !n#w!#7. *nne s/i"ed the s/i"e o- so/eone who.s seen ! -ew "!u)hs7 Then "uc'i"# *nne.s -!ther c!/e ho/e -ro/ se! !nd c!nce""ed the hus+!nd7 NEVILLE CLUB $ressed in /# teeno"d +rown swe!t# I e!si"# /ic'ed with crown !t Ne%i""e C"u+ ! see/# ho"e7 Soon !"" +ut soon 1eo1"e !ccoustic /e s!#in) such thin) !s .Where the ch!r)e /!n;. *"" o- ! southern I notice +oi"s !nd )ir's sittin) in hu++ered "u/1s s/o'in) Herni! t!'in) Odeon !nd )oin) %er# hi)h7 So/ewhere 4-t hi)h +ut he h!d Indi!n Hu/1 which he )rew in his s"ee17 u--in) !nd )"o++erin) the# dru))ed the#se"%es r!/1"in) or d!ncin) with wi"d !+do/en, stu++in) in wi"d 1ostu/es !/on)st the/se"%es7 The# see/ed o"i%ier to the wor"d !+out the/7 One )ir' w!s re%e!"in) the/ !"" o%er the 1"!ce to rounds o- +re!d !nd !11"!use7 Shoc'ed !nd /!8ed I 1u""ed on /# ru++er st!/1 he!d# -or the door7 .$o #ou 'ind"# /ind sto1 sho%ein),. ! +rou)h %oice s!id7 .Who thin' #ou !re;. I retired s/i"in) w!n"#7 .I./ in ch!r)e,. s!id the +rou)h +ut he!%# %oice7 .How hi)h the /oon;. cried !nother, !nd the +!nd +e)!n to 1"!#7 * co"oured /!n d!nced +# e!tin) ! +!n!n!, or so/e+od#7 I drud)ed o%er ho11in) to +e noticed7 He iced /e w!ri"# s!#in) .&rench or &oe.7 .&oe. I cried t!'in) hi/ into ?e!1!rd#7 THE MOLDY MOLDY MAN I./ ! /o"d# /o"d# /!n I./ /o"d# thru !nd thru I./ ! /o"d# /o"d# /!n 2ou wou"d not thin' it true7 I./ /o"d# ti"" /# e#e+!""s I./ /o"d# ti"" /# toe

I wi"" not d!nce I sh#+!""s I./ such ! hu/+"e Joe7 ON SAFAIRY WITH WHIDE HUNTER In the ?u/+"e777the /i)ht# ?u/+"e777 Whide Hunter s"ee1s toni)ht7 *t the -oot o- the +ed, Otu/+! 'e1t wo)s -or 1oisonous sn!c's such !s the de!d"# co++"er !nd !11"# 1#thon7 Litt"e did he nose th!t the neHt d!# in the e!r"# ow"s othe /oreco/+e, ! true stor# wou"d !ctu!""# h!11en7 Otu/+! !wo'e hi/ with ! cu1 o- teeth, !nd the# "it u1 to: w!rd the ?u/+"e7 .*int d!t E"e1oon i"";. s!id Wi1e Hudnose, .we!rin) his new 4!suti;. .Cou"d +e the &"#in) $oc'er on ! c!se7. .No, he.s w!"'in),. s!id Otu/+!d in Sw!hi"# which is not !r- -ro/ here !s the crow +!r's7 *"" too soon the# re!ched ! c"e!ner in the ?u/+"e !nd set u1 cr!/17 Ju/+"e Ji/, who/ sh!"" re/!in n!/e"ess, w!s s"ow"# +ut s"ow"# !s'in) his w!# throu)h the under1!nts, (underw!re he w!s +ein) w!shed +# Whide Hun)r#7) .4e!t the +us, Otu/+!,. co//!nded Whe!t Hoo%er7 .No> +ut /!+"e neHt wee' it wi"" +e /# turn to +e!t the +us now st!ndin) !t 1"!t-or+e nine7. Ju/1in) (#/, who sh!"" re/!in nor/!n, s1otted Whit 0ond!# !nd the 4!r'in) $octorine shootin) so/e rhinostri"s !nd hi11o1osthu/ous !nd Otu/+!r'7 .Sto1 shoutin) those !ni/o"es7. 4ud it h!+ no in-"ience u1od the/7 The# c!rried on shottin) !""i)!rters, wi"d +o!ts, )!rri--es, "e1ers !nd 5nc"e To/ Co+r! !nd !""777 O"d 4unc"e ,on (o++"e !nd !""777 4o"d ,u/1"e, 4o/ $o++# !nd !""777 4!d ,uncorn, S!d Todd# !nd !""7 I SAT BELONELY I s!t +e"one"# down ! tree, hu/+"ed -!t !nd s/!""7 * "itt"e "!d# sin) to /e I cou"dn.t see !t !""7 I./ "oo'in) u1 !nd !t the s'#, to -ind such wondrous %oice7

u88"# 1u88"e, wonder wh#, I he!r +ut h!%e no choice7 .S1e!' u1, co/e -orth, #ou r!%e" /e., I 1ott# /entho" shout7 .I 'now #ou hidd# +# this tree.7 $ut sti"" she won.t co/e out7 Such so-t"# sin)in) "u""ed /e s"ee1, !n hour or two or so I w!'en# s"ow !nd too' ! 1ee1 !nd sti"" no "!d# show7 Then sudd# on ! "itt"e twi) I thou)ht I see ! si)ht, * tin# "itt"e tin# 1i), th!t sin) with !"" it.s /i)ht7 .I thou)ht #ou were ! "!d#.7 I )i))"e,: we"" I /!#, To /# sur1rise the "!d#, )ot u1 : !nd -"ew !w!#7 HENRY AND HARRY Henr# w!s his -!ther.s son !nd it were ti/e -or hi/ to "e!%e schoo" !nd )o into -!ther.s +usiness o- 4ru//er Stri%in)7 It wert ! -!rst d#in) tr!de which w!s -!st d#in)7 .4ut 4ru//er Stri%in) is ! -!rst d#in) +usiness, &!ther,. s!id #oun) Henr#, ! #oun) "!d7 His d!d, H!rr# re1"ied Auic'"#7 .None o- th# nonsence, Henr#7 *"" th# -!thers +e-ore:h!%e !nd +e-ore e%en th!t +e-ore /e were 4ru//ers !nd th!t.s ! -!ct7. With th!t he 1u""ed his stu/1s ne!rer the -ire7 .Te"" /e !)!in -!ther !+out how #ou )ot those 1ri8e stu/1s w!s it not with ! 4ru//er Towdr#;. s!id #oun) teen!)e Henr#7 .Wh# do #ou !"w!#s !s' !+out /# stu/1s, Son,. s!id H!rr# to Henr# with ! re!surrin)7 .4ec!use it.s ! stor# I "o%e to he!r, &!ther : !nd +esides it.s not e%er# one wh!t h!s ! re!" cri11"e -or ! -!ther7. .There.s so/ethin) in wh!t #ou s!#, I d!re s!#,. s!id Henr# e#ein) his son 1roud"#F thin'in)7 .0# son.s ! 4ru//er iI e%er s!w one,. !nd he h!d7 .I w!nt to +e ! )o"-er, $!d,. s!id Henr# ho1e-u""# without ! "!u)h7

.2ou.re ! 4ru//er, Son, so )et it str!i)ht,. s!id d!d H!rr#7 The neHt d!# Henr# cou"d not +e seen or he!rd !+out the Au!int "itt"e s"u/ !nd d!d H!rr# w!s +e)innin) to worr#7 It.s not "i'e hi/, 0other,. he s!id to ! ri)ht o"d h!) who w!s "i%in) with the/7 .4"!st his hide,. s!id /other, with !n !ccent7 *s #ou /i)ht h!%e )uessed, teen!)e #oun) Henr# h!d run !round -ro/ ho/e !nd "e-t7 .I."" show th!t stu/1,. s!id Henr# to hi/se"-, -or there w!s no one with hi/7 We"", it ?ust so h!11ened /!n th!t teen!)e #oun) Henr# cou"d not )et ! )o"-in) ?o+ !n#where es1eci!""# (o"-in)7 .It see/s I./ ! +orn 4ru//er "i'e d!d H!rr# s!#s I !/,. s!id H!rr# Auiet"# -or no one w!s "istenin) to hi/7 So he hu/+"ed his w!# ho/ew!rd "i'e !n# other teen!)e Henr# wou"d who cou"dn.t )et ! )o"-in) ?o+7 He s1otted the s"u/ o- his chi"dhood !nd s!id out "oud .Cru+. which 1ut it in ! nutshe""7 .0other, 0other, it.s /e, teen!)e #oun) Henr#, I./ ho/e,. he s!id ho1ein) to +e noticed7 4ut h!) /other ?ust 'e1t on di))in) !s i- she h!d not noticed hi/ !nd she h!dn.t7 .0other, 0other, it.s /e. he s!id re1e!tin) hi/se"- whi"st thin'in) : .I wonder wh!t she.s di))in), it c!n.t +e the sounds /!n7. Sti"" the o"d wretch 'e1t on di))in) !nd !"so sin)in) to herse"- : ! son) #ou don.t o-ten he!r now ! d!#s7 .0other, 0other,. s!id 1erist!nt teen!)e Henr#, who w!s +e)innin) to +e ! +it o- ! dr!)7 .C!n.t #ou see I./ +ur#in) So-t H!rr#, #our -!ther,. s!id h!) 0other !t "!st7 .*"" I w!nted w!s ! ci%i" !nswer,. re1"ied Henr# !ssu/in) res1onsi+i"it#7 DEAF TED, DANOOTA, (AND ME) Thor) hi""# )ro%e !nd +ur"# i%e, 4i) d!"e#s )r!ss !nd tree We c"o++er e%er )!""u1 $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e7 Ne%er sh!"" we 1!rt"# str!#, &!st stirru1 !"" we three &i)ht the +!tt"e /i)ht# sword $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e7

With -!ith-u" -ro) +eside us, 4i) /i)ht# c"u+ !re we The +!tt"e sc!+ !nd -ris'# d#'e $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e7 We -i)ht the +!dd# +!ddies, &or co"our, r!ce !nd cree &or Ne)ro, Jew !nd 4ernie $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !+d /e7 Thor) 4i""# )rows !nd 4urn"e# ten, *nd *ston 6i""! three We c"o++er e%er )!""u1 $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e7 So i- #ou he!r ! wonderous si)ht, */ +"utter or !t se!, ,e/e/+er who/ the /i)ht# s!# $e!- Ted, $!noot!, !nd /e : (so/eti/es we +rin) our -riend, 0!"co"/7) A SURPRISE FOR LITTLE BOBBY It w!s "itt"e 4o++#.s +irthd!# tod!#, !nd he )ot ! sur1rise7 His %er# -ist w!s ?o11ed o--, (The W!r) !nd he )ot ! +irthd!# hoo'> *"" his "i-e 4o++# h!d w!nted his %er# own hoo'F !nd now on his E9th +irthd!# his 1w!#ers h!d +een !nswered7 The on"# trou+"e w!s the# h!d send hi/ ! "e-t hoo' !nd e+r# do++# 'nows th!t it w!s 4o++#.s ri)ht -ist th!t w!s /issin) !s it were7 Wh!t to do w!s not thee on"# 1ro+"e/9 *n#w!# he ?o11ed o-his "est h!nd !nd it -itted "i'e ! )"o%e7 0!#+e neHt #e!r he wi"" )et ! ri)ht hoo', who 'nows; HALBUT RETURB (! 1"!#) &ourteen #e!r8 now I h!"+ +een w!din) -or sweet H!"+ut to return -ro/ the w!rs ("itt"e does she 'now H!"+ut H!re retur+s sudden"# to /!'e !n honest wo/+ o- her7) H9 .*i/ ho/e ,ose+een, -ro/ the w!r #.'now7. ,9 .$id #ow )it thee +utter H!"+ot;.

H9 .*i.%e +rort #! ! ne)ru ,ose+een -ro/ the w!r #.'now7. ,9 .&or /e /# %er# own -or /e H!"+ot;. H9 .*i w!s !"w!#s thin'in) on #ou ,!8e+ee/ /# own7 ,9 .Show /e this %er# ne)ru He"+out -ro/ the w!r, this is re!""# "i%in)7. H9 .No7. ,9 .Wh!t str!n)e )rurth h!s t!'en #ou H!"-ord, !/ I not #our %er# own;. UNHAPPY FRANK &r!n' "oo'ed !t the t!+"e h!rd"# d!rin) to "oo' !t the t!+"e7 .I h!te th!t t!+"e,. he s!id .4"ood# ow"d t!+"e in /# house7. Then he "oo'ed !t the c"oc'7 .$!/n th!t c"oc' in /# house,. s!id &r!n', -or it w!s his house #ou 'now7 *-ter ! "itt"e +it his e#e c!/e !cross his %er# /other.s ch!ir7 .$on.t "i'e th!t ch!ir one +it,. he show+ed#7 .Just "oo' !t th!t )!r+et !"" -i"+# !nd dur+#7 How !/ I su11osed to "oo' !--!--ter !"" this )!r+# ruddish7 W!rt !/ I +ut ! s"!%e tow "oo' u1on with deese'-re+it !"" !"" the 1ee)"e "!r-in) !nd +u8in) /e in -ront o- !"" the wor"ed7 How c!n I +ut )!rr# on; How; H!+ I no "i%e o- /# own to do +ut w!rt I /ust e%er ?u+ )"eeni) !nd "oo'in) !re-tor theese d!/n ow"d house o- /# own;. &r!n' went o%er to his du++ o"d /other, who/n w!s sti'" "i--in) with hi/7 .Wh!t !re #ou "!r-in) !t #ou du++ ow"d +oot;. .H!%n. I nu-- tre+"e without #ou '!''in) in the 'or+er;. With th!t &r!n' stu+ u1 !nd 'ic'ed her 1"!in"# on the he!d7 .T!'e th!t -or "!r-in) #ou +udd o"ed )ri--7. .I h!te th!t +oot,. he s!id s/i"in) Auir'"e# to the/se"%es7 .I./ )oin) to se"" this d!-t shed !nd #ou to !swe"", !"so 0u//#7. So he so"d it !"" !nd "e-t the countr# !nd sett"ed down in !nother countr# which he did not "o'e h!"- !s /uch !s his de!r o"d ho/e in En)"!nd with his de!r o"d Au!int o"d "u%"# /other wh!t he (&r!n') "ost due to ! +!d h!r%est7 Which ?udd )o to show wh!t h!11ens7 ON THIS CHURLY MORN S/!"" wonder on this chur"# /orn I cri%# "i'e ! +"!c' To thin' wot I shou"d +e -!r"orn

Throu)h 'nor+ this 1!c'#/!c' I /!# +e +"in' down +oo"to!d With ne.er ! thort# s'i%e 4ut I."" dece/+er +!rro"d To s!%e /# )ood +!d I%e To the/ 1erh!1 +e nic'# I s/ir' +ut Auerr# ?u/1 With !"" this !"-# hic'# I do +ut stri%e ! hu/1 @noc' down #e s/!""ish hoA'# */ I the +!ir"# o!t; With !"" #our d!%e# coc'e# I."" !"w!#s 'ee1 !-"o!t7 Wi"" I the +!))# $utch /!n *nd h!u)ht# +#)r!%es too To !"" I )i%e ! "i/1!)e To do wh!t the# wi"" do7 The# r!++"e ti"" the#.re t!tter $on.t cree/ the /idni)ht hour 4i) $oris -"itter -"!tter *nd +"!c'# +"!c'1oo tower ,e1h# )r!un !nd )r!tt# (r!ddie "!r)e +ut s/!i" She wi"" not +r!nt ! -!tt# ,oo/ to swin) ! sn!i" 4i"t 8eitun) d!ir# !11"e O- )e"t8ie snied#1#e (ro11# )ri++"e )r!11"e 6!rou/ the re!son wh#; 2e +ott"e )inn# deric' *nd !"" who s!i" without 0# t!"" +ut "itt"e Eric Sh!"" ne.er +ut c!st ! c"out> ,e/1"enish thou th# cr!%ie With !"" th!t +odes within &!"" )!ther +!r)e !nd d!%ie

The "!/+ within ! +in7 (od S1eed VICTOR TRIUMPHS AGAIN AND MRS WEATHERBY LEARNS A LESSON It were ! s/!"" %i""!)e, SAuir/"# on the S"u), !nd %i"e ru1erts s1re!d -!t !nd thic' !/on)st the inh!+id!ds wh!t "i+ed there7 One %ictor o- these )ossi1it# ton)ues h!d o-t +een 6ictor H!rd"#, ! h!r/"ess +oot, who/ ne%er h!"/ed no+od#7 * t#1ic!" Aui//t# o"d h!) who s1re!d these %i"e ru1erts w!s 0rs We!ther+# : ! widow +# her -irst hus+!nds7 .The#.re ho"din) ! 4"!c' 0!tt down !t 6ictors 1!d,. w!s o-t he!rd !+out the %i""!)e : +ut I ne%er he!rd it7 Thin)s "i'e this were )ettin) 6ictor down, i- not "ower7 .Wh# +ut wh# do the# s!# these +!d thin)s !+out /e when I h!%e +ut ne%er h!"/ed or s1e!' +!d,. he wou"d s!#, +ut I ne%er he!rd hi/7 .He.s dr!win) +!d Christi!ns on the )r!%es,. 0rs We!ther+# wou"d s1re!d7 The who"e %i""!)e w!s !"!r/in)7 .We c!n.t h!%e !"" this,. s!id the 6ic!r, who w!s ! Christi!n7 .We."" h!%e to set ! tr!1 !nd c!tch this -ow" -iend wh!t desic!ted our church7. Once !nd -ore!r/ 1"!ns were /!de to 1ro%e who it were 1"!#in) the $!rr#" with the church7 On Thursd!# or 0ond!# ! "itt"e )rou1 o- thirt#:two 1eo1"e, !"" diction!ries o- the Counsi", !nd the !rce" !nd the 6ic!r !"" hid notice!+"# !/on)st !"" the other de!d thin)s "#in) !+out7 .This wi"" c!tch hi/, (od wi""#,. thou)ht ! /!n with OH-!/ on his -!ce7 *-ter ei)ht hours or so the# !"" noticed th!t nothin) h!d h!11ened : !nd the# +e)!n to wonder : wh#; !-ter !"" h!dn.t the# h!d the in-or/!tion -ro/ ! re"i!+"e sore; I REMEMBER ARNOLD I re/e/+er @!''# H!r)re!%es *s i- .twer 2ester/orn. @!''#, @!''# H!r)re!%es Son o- 0r7 6!u)h!n7

He used to +e so )rundie On hi/ "itt"e +i'e ,idin) on ! Sundie &unn# "itt"e t#'e 2es, I re/e/+er @!th# H!ir+re!/ *s i- .twer #esterd!# @!tth#, @!th# H!ir+re!/ Son o- 0r7 0!# *rri%in) !t the st!tion *"w!#s de!d on ti/e &or his destin!tion Now He.s de!d on "ine (/e!nin) he.s +een )ot +# ! tr!in or so/ethin)) *nd so we )rowt !nd +u/1"# Ti"" the end o- ti/e, Hu/1t# du/1t# +u/1"# Son o- H!rr# Li/e7 4u/+"e#d# Hu+"ed# Hu/+"e#777 4u/d"e# Tu/7 (Th!n' #ou)

A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS

(c) John Lennon, 196J

CONTENTS * S1!ni!rd in the Wor's The &!t 4ud)ie Snore Wi-e !nd so/e Se%er!" $w!rts The Sin)u"!r)e EH1erience o- 0iss *nne $u--ie"d The &!u"t# 4!)nose We /ust not -or)et the (ener!" Erection 4en?!/!n $ist!ste-u" The Wu/+er"o) (or The 0!)ic $o)) *r!/int! $itch C!ss!nd"e The N!tion!" He!"th Cow ,e!ders Lettuce Si""# Nor/!n 0r 4oris 0orris 4ernice.s Shee1 L!st Wi"" !nd Testic"e Our $!d I 4e"ie%e, 4oot777 A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS Jesus E" i-co w!s ! -orei)ner !nd he 'new it7 He h!d i/i)r!te: -u" -ro/ his "itt"e white s"u/ in 4!rce"o%er ! )ood thirst# #e!r !)o h!%in) -irst secured the h!nd# ?o+ !s co!ch/!n in Scot"!nd7 The ?o+ w!s with the L!ird o- 0c*nus, ! c!nn# o"d tin who/ h!%e ! c!st"e in the Hi)h"!ds7 The -irst thin) Jesus EI i-co noticed in e!r"# the d!#s w!s th!t the L!ird didn.t see/ to h!%e ! co!ch o- !n# discri1tion or e%en ! co!ch house #ou 'now, /uch to his dis/!+"e7 4ut : !nd I use the word "i)ht"# : the

L!ird did see/ to h!%in) so/e horses, e!ch one s1ortin) ! -ine 1!ir o- "e)s7 Jesus -e"" in "o%e with the/ !t -irst si)ht, !s the# did with hi/, which w!s "uc'#, +ec!use his Au!rters were in the !ctu!""# st!+"es !"on) side his no+"e -our "e1ered -riends7 rett# 1o""# one cou"d see Jesus !"/ost e%er# d!#, )roo/in) his /!sters horses, +rushin) their /!ne+its !nd h!//erin) their teeth, whist"in) ! Au!int S1!nish re-r!in dre!/in) o- his "o%ed wo/+s +!c' ho/e in their "itt"e white -!scist +!st!rd huts7 .* we"" 1!ir o- )roo/ed horses I /ust s!#,. he wou"d re/!r' to wee S1!stic S1orr!n the -"i)ht# ch!/+er"!in, who/ he.d h!d his )ood e#e on e%ersince Ho)/!nose7 .N!e s! +!d. she wou"d !nswer in her s"iced *+erdeen:/!rtin !ccent7 .2e s1end /ore ti/e wi. #on horses th!n #e do wi. /e,. with th!t she wou"d stor/ +!c' to her duties, c!re-u""# t#in) her ch!stit# ne)ro h!rd"# to her s'i/7 4ein) ! )ood c!tho"ic, Jesus wi1ed the s1it -ro/ his -!ce !nd turned the other cheese : +ut she h!d )one "e!%in) hi/ once s/!"" in !n !)!th! o- christ#7 .One d!%e she wo"" )o too -!rther, !nd I wo"" "e!- her. he s!id to his -!%e r!%e horse7 O- course the horse didn.t !nswer, +ec!use !s #ou 'now the# c!nnot s1e!', "e!st o- !"" to ! )!r"ic e!tin), stin'in), "itt"e #e""ow )re!s# -!scist +!st!rd c!tho"ic S1!ni!rd7 The# soon /!de it u1 howe%!ns !nd Jesus !nd wee S1!stic were once /or1hi! unite"# in ! "o%e th!t 'new no su8ie7 The on"# thin) th!t 1u88"ed Jesus w!s wh# his su)!r+oot )ot so !nno#ed when he c!""ed her his "itt"e S1!stic in 1u+"ic7 Litt"e wonder howe!1on, with her re!" n!/e +ein) !tric', #ou see; .2e /usn!. c!"" /e S1!stic whi"st /! -riends !re here Jesus /! +onnie wee dw!r-. she s!id irr!)!ted7 .4ut I c!nnot not s!# !tric' /e "itt"e t!rt!n +!). he re1"ied !"" her+ !nd !n)ie inside7 She "oo'ed down !t hi/ throu)h ! /!ss o- n!tur!""# cur"# w!rts7 .4ut S1!stic /e!ns ! 'ind o- cri11"e in En)"ish /! sweet wee Jesus, !nd !i./ no cri11"e !s #ou we"" 'nown> . .Th!t.s true enou)h. s!id he .+ut I didn.t not re!"i8e +ein) ! -orei)ner !nd th!t, !nd !"so not 'nowin) #our countries cu"ture !nd so -orce, !nd !n#w!it I c!n s1ot ! cri11"e !n#where7. He r!/+"ed on !s !tric' 'ne"t down "o%in)"# with te!rs in her e#e !nd s"ow"# +it ! 1iece o- his +u/7 Then "i-tin) her -!ce u1w!rts, she s!id with ! %oice -u"" o- e/u"sion .C!n #e he--er -or)i%e /e Jesus, c!n #e; . she s"o++ed7 He "oo'ed !t her str!n)e: "# !s i- she were ! str!n)e"#, then t!'in) her s"ow"# ri)ht -oot he criedF . !rrees# e" 1ino ! stre%!ro Aui +ueno e" -r!nco sen!tro> . which ru)+# tr!ns1"!nted /e!ns : .On"# i- #ou.%e )ot )reen +r!ces. : !nd -ortun!te"# she h!d7

The# were /!rried in the -!""out, with the L!irds +"essin) ocourse, he !"so )!%e the/ ! .wee )i-t#. !s he 1ut it, which w!s ! use-u" !ddition to their +otto/ "!w#er7 It w!s ! s1eci!" ?!r osecret oint/ent /!de +# )ener!tors o- his -ore-in)ers to he"1 )et rid o- !tric's cr!+s which she h!d un"uc'i"# c!u)ht -ro/ the L!ird o- 0c*nus hi/se"- !t his "!te wi-es (L!d# 0c*nus.) w!'e7 The# were o%er?o#ced, !nd )r!1enut !+un !nd +e#ond the c!"" o- dut#7 .The on"# "itt"e cr!w"ie thin)s we w!nt !re +!+ies,. Aui11ed Jesus who w!s ! s1ort7 .Th!t.s ri)ht sweet#. !nswered !tric' re!chin) -or hi/ with ! 'nows"e# h!""7 .(uid "uc' to #ou !nd #ours. shouted the L!ird -ro/ the o"d win)7 .(od +"ess #ou sir. s!id Jesus Auic'"# h!rnessin) his wi-e with ! deHterit# th!t on"# 1r!ctice c!n 1er-ect7 .Co/e on /e +e!ut#. he whis1ered !s he rode his wi-e !t ! ste!d# trot tow!rds the E!st (!te7 .We /ustn.t /iss the -irst r!ce /# de!r7. .Not "i'e"#. snorted his new"# wed wi-e +re!'in) into ! )u"": u17 .Not "i'e"#. she re1e!ted7 The hone#/ood w!s don short +# ! te"e1h!nt -ro/ 0rs E" i-co (his /other) who w!s !11!rent"# "e!%in) 4!rce"under to se her e"dest sod -e+ore she died "!u)hin), !nd +esides the !ir wou"d do her )ood she !dded7 !tric' "oo'ed u1 -ro/ her nose+!) !nd )i))"ed7 .$on.t ?o'e !+out 0!//! 1"e!se i- #ou don"!n), she !re !"" I h!%e "o-t in the wor"d !nd +esides #our /other.s ! +it o- ! +roc'wurst herse"%es. s!id Jesus, .*nd i- she.s sti"" !"i%e when she )ets here we c!n throw u1 ! 1!rt# -or her !nd then she c!n /eet !"" our u)"# Scottish -riends. he re-"ected7 .On the other h!nd"e we c!n !"w!#s use her !s ! sc!recr!+ in the to1 -ie"d. s!id !tric' 1r!ctic!""#7 So the# 1!c'ed their suitcr!tes /!r'ed .his !nd he!rse. !nd set o-- -or their e/1"o#ers hi)h"# ho/e in the hi)h"ies7 .We.re ho/e Sir. s!id Jesus to the wi8ened t!rt!n -i)ure 'ne"t crouchin) o%er ! +!) o- shee17 .Wh# !re #e +!s' so soon;. inAuired the L!ird, i//edi!te"# reco)ni8in) his own st!-- throu)h #e!rs o- eH1erience7 .I.%e h!d so/e +!d ?ews -ro/ /# 0!//# : she.s co/in) to se!)u"" /e, i- its !"" ri1e with #ou sir7. The L!ird thou)ht -or ! /u/+"e, then his -!ce "it u1 "i'e ! +oi"in) w!rt7 .2ou.re !"" -ired. he s/i"ed !nd went o-- whist"in)7 THE FAT BUDGIE

I h!%e ! "itt"e +ud)ie He is /# %er# 1!" I t!'e hi/ w!"'s in 4rit!in I ho1e I !"w!#s sh!""7 I c!"" /# +ud)ie Je--re# 0# )r!nd!ds n!/e.s the s!/e I c!"" hi/ !-ter )r!nd!d Who h!d ! -e!thered +r!in7 So/e 1eo1"e don.t "i'e +ud)ies The "itt"e #e""ow +r!ts The# e!t the/ u1 -or +re!'-!st Or )i%e the/ to their c!ts7 0# unc"e !te ! +ud)ie It w!s so -!t !nd -!ir7 I cried !nd c!""ed hi/ ,onnie He didn.t see/ to c!re *"thou)h his n!/e w!s *rthur It didn.t /e!n ! thin)7 He went into ! 1etsho1 *nd !te u1 e%er#thin)7 The doctors "oo'ed inside hi/, To see wh!t the# cou"d do, 4ut he h!d +een too )reed# He died ?ust "i'e ! 8oo7 0# Je--re# chir1s !nd twitters When I w!"' into the roo/, I /!'e hi/ scr!/+"ed e)) on to!st *nd -eed hi/ with ! s1oon7 He sin)s "i'e other +ud)ies 4ut on"# when in tri/ 4ut /ost o- !"" on Sund!# Th!ts when I 1"u) hi/ in7 He -"ies !+out the roo/ so/eti/es *nd sits u1on /# +ed *nd i- he.s re!""# h!11# He does it on /# he!d7 He.s on ! diet now #ou 'now &ro/ e!tin) -!r too /uch The# s!# i- he )ets -!tter He."" h!%e to we!r ! crutch7 It wou"d +e -unn# wou"dn.t it * +ud)ie on ! stic' I/!)ine !"" the 1eo1"e L!u)hin) ti"" the#.re sic'7

So th!t.s /# +ud)ie Je--re# &!t !nd #e""ow too I "o%e hi/ /ore th!n d!ddie *nd I./ on"# thirt# two7 SNORE WIFE AND SOME SEVERAL DWARTS Once u1on u1on in ! di8ne# -!r !w!# : s!# three hundred #e!r !)o!" i- #ou "i'e : there "i%ed ! sne!'# -orest so/e se%er!" dw!rts or cretinsF !"" n!/ed : S"ee8#, (ru/1t#, Snee8#, $o), S/ir'e#, *"ice; $eric' : !nd Wi/1e#7 *n#w!# the# !"" du) !+out in ! di!/ond /ind, which w!s rich +e#ond co/1ere7 E%er# d!# when the# c!/e hu"/e -ro/ wir', the# wou"d sin) ! son) : ?ust "i'e ordin!r# wir'ers : the son) went so/ethin) "i'e : .2o ho> 2o ho> it.s o-- to wir' we )o> . : which is si""# re!""# consider!+"e the# were co/ein) hu"/e7 ( erh!1s ther w!s s"i)ht housewor' to +e do7) One d!# howit8er the# ($w!rts) !rri%ed ho/e, !t !1rodest!nt, siH o.c"oth, !nd who; : who do the# -ind; : +ut on"# Snore Wi-e, !s"ee1 in (ru/1t#.s +ed7 He didn.t see/ to /ine7 .S!/: +od#.s +een -eedin) /# 1orr!)e> . scre!/s Wi/1e#, who w!s . we!rin) ! "i)ht +"ue 1u""o%er7 0e!nwi-e in ! )r!nd C!rst"e, not so /i"e !w!#, ! wo/!nd is "oo)in) in her d!i"# /irror, shoutin), .0irror /irror on the w!"", who/ is de -!ir# in the "!nd7. which doesn.t e%en rh#/e7 .C!ss!nd"e>. !nswers the /irror7 .Chrish O.0!""e#. studders the wo/!nd who !11e!rs to +e ! <ueen or ! witch or !n !corn7 .She.s t!"'in) to th!t /irror !)!in -!rther;. s!#s 0isst Cr!doc', .I.%e ?ust seen her t!"'in) to th!t /irror !)!in7. &!ther Cr!doc' turns round s"ow"# -ro/ the +oo' he is e!tin) !nd eH: 1"!ins th!t it is ?ust ! -!ce she is )oin) throu)h !nd the#.re !"" the s!/e !t th!t !)e7 .We"" I don.t "i'e it one tit,. continhu)hs 0isst Cr!doc'7 &!ther Cr!doc' turns round s"ow"# -ro/ the +oo' he is e!tin), eH1"!inin) th!t she doesn.t h!%e to "i'e it, !nd 1ro/1t"# sets -ire to his e"e1h!nt7 .Sic' to de!th o- this e"e1h!nt I !/,. he )row"s, .sic' to de!th o- it e!tin) "i'e !n e"e1h!nt !"" o%er the 1"!ce7. Sudden"# +!r' !t the Se%er!" $w!rts ho/e, Snore Wi-e h!s +ec!/e ! -ir/ -!%ourite, es1eci!""# with her he"1in) !r/, +rushin) !w!# the "itt"e dro11in)s7 .(ood o"d Snore Wi-e> . thee !"" s!)e, .(ood o"d Snore Wi-e is our -!%e r!%e7. .*nd I "i'e #ou tooth> . re?oices Snore Wi-e, .I "i'e #ou !"" /# "itt"e dw!rts7. Without w!r1in) the# he!r ! sodd# %oice continu!""#'h!n shou+in) !nd scree)in) !+out !11"es -or s!"e7 .New !11"es -or

o"d> . s!#s the !+o%e he!rin) %oice7 .Tr# these nice !11"es -or chriss!'e>. (ru/1# turni1s Auic' !nd !nswers shootin) : .Wh#;. !nd the# !"" "oo' !t hi/7 * -ew d!is# "!te"# the s!/e %oice co/es hootin) !+oon the !11"es -or s!"e with ! r!rther /ore -ir/ !1ro!ch s!#in) .These !11"es !re de-inite"# -or s!"e7. Snore Wi-e, who +# this ti/e is curious"# !roused, stic' her he!ds throu)h the window7 *n#: w!# she +ou)ht one : which didn.t he"1 the tr!de )!1 !t !""7 Litt"e di))er#doo th!t it w!s 1!rsened with de!th"# !rsenic'ers7 The wo/!n (who w!s the wic'ered <ueen in dis)ust) c!c'"ed !w!# to her c!rst"e in the hi""s "!r-in) -it to +ust7 *n#w!# the h!ndso/e rince who w!s re!""# 0isst Cr!: doc', -ound out !nd 1ro/1t"# !te the Wic'ed <ueen !nd s/!shed u1 the /irror7 *-ter he h!d done this he ?ourne#ed to the house o- the Se%er!" $w!rts !nd +e)!n to "i%e with the/7 He re-used to /!rr# Snore Wi-e on !ccount o- his he!"th, wh!t with her +ein) 1oissoned !nd th!t, +ut the# c!/e to !n !)ree: /ent /uch to the dis)ust o- S"ee1# : (ru/1t# : Snee'# : $o) : S/ir'e# : *"ice; : $eric' !nd Wi/1#7 The $w!rts c"u++ed to)ether !nd didn.t +u# ! new /irror, +ut !"w!#s s!n) ! h!11# son)7 The# !"" "i%ered h!11i"# e%er !retor unti" the# died : which so/e+od# o- the/ did n!tur!""# enou)h7 THE SINGULARGE EXPERIENCE OF MISS ANNE DUFFIELD I -ind it recornered in /# nose+oo' th!t it w!s ! do'e# !nd winnie d!%e tow!rt the end o- 0!r)e in the e!r o- our Lo!1K9B in 0uch 4"!dder, ! cit# o-- the North Wo"d7 Sh!/roc' Wo/"+s h!d receeded ! te"e1h!rt whi"st we s!t !t our "unch e!tin)7 He /!de no re/!r' +ut the /!tter r!n down his he!d, -or he stud in -ront o- the -ire with ! thou)ht-ow" -!ce, s/ir': in) his 1i"e, !nd c!stin) !n occ!sion!" )"!nd !t the /!ss!)e7 <uite s#dne# without w!r1in) he turd u1od /e with ! /is: c!rri!)e twin'"e in his is"e7 .E""i-it8)err!"d /# de!r Who11er,. he )ri//ond then sh!r1"# .(uess who/ h!s +ro'en out o- ?!i" Who11er;. 0# /ind i//e: di!te"# recou)hed !"" the c!r!/e"s th!t h!d recent"# esc!1ed or esc!1ed -ro/ Wor/# Sc!+s7 .Eric 0or"e#;. I %entured7 He shoo' his +ed7 .OHo Whitne#;. I Aueered, he 'notted in the in-ir/!r#7 .,#)o H!r)r!%es;. I winston !)re!+"#7 .No, /# de!r Who11er, it.s OLO WHITNE2. he +e""owed !s i- I w!s in !nother roo/, !nd I w!sn.t7 .How d.#ou 'now Wo/"+s; . I whis1ered eHcrete"#7

.H!rr#+e""!-onte, /# de!r Who11er7. *t th!t 1recise /or: /!n ! t!"" r!ther !n)u"!rce t!"" thin /!n 'noc'ed on the door7 .4# !"" !ccounts th!t /ust +e he, Who11er7. I /!r%e""ed !t his !cute os+ert "!nc!ster7 .How on ur)e do #ou 'now Wo/"+s. - !s1ed, re%e!"in) /# +!d !r/ch!ir7 .E"i1h!ntitus /# de!- Who11er. he +!))!)e 'noc'in) out his 1i1 on his "!r)e "e!ther "e)7 In w!r1ed the -!%ourite OHo Whit: ne# none the worse -or wor/s7 .I./ !n esc!1ed 1ri/rose 0r Wo/"+s. he )r!te d!rtin) -r!ne: tic!""# !+out the roo/7 .C!"/ down 0r Whitne#> . I inter1o""ed .or #ou."" h!%e ! ner%ous +re!d%!n7. .2ou /ust +e $octored Who11er. he 1h!rted7 0# -riend w!s st!r%in) !t Whitne# with ! str!n)e hoo' on his e!)er -!ce, th!t ti)htenin) o- the "i1s, th!t Aui%er o- the nostriches !nd const!: 1!tion o- the he!%# tu-ted +rows which I 'new so we""7 .(orr! ci))ie OHo. s!id Wo/"+s Auic'"#7 I "oo'ed !t /# co""ed)e, ho1in) -or so/e c"ue !s to the re!son -or this sodden out+o!rd, he )!%e /e no si)n eHce1t ! s"i)ht /o%e/ent o- his )ood "e) !s he 'ic'ed OHo Whitne# to the -"oor7 .(orr! ci))ie OHo. he re!1eted !"/outh h#steric!""#7 .Wh!t on urn !re #ou doin) /# de!r Wo/"+s. I i/1"#F .n!# I +esie)e #ou, sto1 "est #ou do this 1oor wretch !n in?ur#> . .Shut #er -!ce #er +"u++erin) ow"d )et. scre!/ed Wo/"+s "i'e ! /!n -er/ented, !nd "!id into 0r Whitne# so/ethin) 1ower-u" w!t7 This w!sn.t not the Sh!/roc' Wo/"+s I used to nose, I thou)ht 1u88"ed !nd he!rn !t this sudd# ch!n)e in /# o"d -riend7 0!r# *t'ins 1runed herse"%es in the /ir!)e, runnin) her h!nd w!nt!n"# throu)h her "!r)e +"ond h!ir7 Her ti)ht dress w!s cut "ow re%e!"in)"# three or -our +"!c'he!ds, c!re-u""# scru++ed on her chess7 She !dd"ed the -in!" touches to her /!'eu1 !nd -iHed her teeth -ir/"# in her he!d7 .He.s )oin) to w!nt /e to: ni)ht. she thou)ht !nd 1ictured his h!/so/e +"!c' cur"# -!ce !nd ?!undice7 She "oo'ed !t her c"oc's i/1!tient"# !nd went to the window, then "e!1t into her -!%orite !r/church, 1ic'in) u1 the 1!1er she )"!ssed !t the he!d"ines7 .0O,E NE(OES IN THE CON(O. it re!d, !nd there w!s, +ut it w!s the Sto1 ress which cor'ed her e#e7 .J*C@ THE NI LE ST,I@E *(*IN7. She went co"d !"" o%er, it w!s S#dnees !nd he.d "e-t the door o1en7 .He""o "o%er. he s!id s"!11in) her on the +utter7 .Oh #ou did )i%e /e ! st!rt S#dnees. she shrie'ed "!u)hin) !r- !r-i"#7

.I !"w!#s do /# "o%e. he re1"ied ?u/1in) on !"" -ours7 She ?oined hi/ !nd the# )!""o--ed Auic'"# downst!irs into ! h!rr!sed c!+7 .&o""ow th!t c!"-. #e"1ed S#dnees 1ointin) ! rude -in)ure7 .White ho"e /!te> . s!id the sc!++ie7 .Wh# !re we +e""owin) th!t c!rd S#dnees; . inAuired 0!r# -!shion!+"#7 .He /i)ht 'now where the 1!rt#. eH1"!ined S#dnees7 .Oh I see. s!id 0!r# "oo'in) u1 !t hi/ !s i- to s!#7 The ?ourne# 1!rssed 1"e!s!nt"# enou)h with S#dnees !nd 0!r# 1ointin) out 1"!ces o- interest to the sc!+ dri%erF such !s 4uc'in)he"" !rce", the Horses o- !r"i!/int, the Ch!sin) o- the (u!rds7 One 1"!ce o- 1!rticu"!r)e interest w!s the St!tue oEric in ic!nnin# Sur1"!ss7 .The# s!# th!t i- #ou st!nd there "on) enou)h #ou."" /eet ! -riend. s!id S#dnees 'nowin)"#, .th!t.s i- #our not run o%er7. .(od S!%e the <ueens. shouted the sc!++ie !s the# 1!ssed the !rce" -or /!#+e the -ourth ti/e7 .J!c' the Ni11"e. s!id Wo/"+s 1u--in) dee1"# on his wi-e, .is not on"# ! %icious /urderer +ut ! seH /e!n# o- the "owest or)#7. Then /# ste!/ed co""ic re"it his 1i) !nd w!"'ered to the wind# o- his -!/ous -"!t in 4u))er St in London where it !"" h!1: 1ened7 I 1ond"ed on his st!te/outh -or ! /or/on then turdin) sh!r1"# I s!id7 .4ut how do #ou 'now Wo/"+s; . .*"i+!++! /# de!d Who11er, I h!%e seen the -i"/. I 'new hi/ to+# ri)ht -or I h!d on"# re!d the co/ic7 Th!t e%eni) we h!d !n uneH1ec'"ed %isitor, Ins1ectre 4!si", I 'new hi/ +# his te"":t!"e unicorn7 .*h Ins1ectre 4!si" /on cher !/ie. s!id Wo/"+s s1ottin) hi/ !t once7 .Wh!t +rin)s #ou to our hu/+"e rich est!+"ish: /ent;. .I co/e on +eh!%e o- thous!nds. the Ins1ectre s!id sittin) Auiet"# on his o1er!tion7 .I -ee" " 'now wh# #ou !re here 4!si". s!id Wo/"+s e#ein) he "e)7 .It.s !+out Joc' the Cri11"e is it not;. The Jns1ectre s/i"ed s/i"in)7 .How did #ou )uess; . I inAuired !"" 1u88"e7 .*"ec)uiness /# dee1 Who11er, the /ud on the Ins1ectre.s "e-t, !nd !"so the +uttoc' on his w!ist+oH is /istin)7. The Ins1ectre "oo'ed !stound!)!st !nd -id)eted ner%ous"# -ro/ one -!t to the other7 .2ou ne%i""e sie8e to !/!ss /e 0r Wo/"+s7. .* drin' )enit!"/en. I %entured, .+e-ore we )et down to the +usinose in h!nd in h!nd;. The# +oth 'notted in e)re/ont !nd I went to the coc'# c!+inet7 .Wh!t wou"d #ou 1re1!re 4!si", 4ordo/ .KE or; .

.I.d r!ther h!%e r!ther h!%e r!ther. s!id the Ins1ectre who w!s ! )our/"ess7 *-ter ! drin' !nd ! -ew s!/ "eeches Wo/"+s )ot u1 !nd 1!ced the -"oor u1 !nd down u1 !nd down 1!cin)7 .Wh# !re #ou 1!cin) the -"oor u1 !nd down u1 !nd down 1!cin) de!r Wo/"+s. I inAuiet7 .I./ thin'in) !"owed /# de!- Who11er7. I "oo'ed o%er !t the Ins1ectre !nd 'new th!t he cou"dn.t he!r hi/ either7 .(uess who.s out o- ?!i" 0r Wo/"+s. the Ins1ectre s!id su+: +en"#7 Wo/"+s "oo'ed !t /e 'nowin)"#7 .Eric 0or"e#;. I !s'ed, the# shoo' their he!ths7 .OHo Whit: ne#;. I Au!rt, !)!in the# shoot their he!1s7 .,#)o H!r)r!%es;. I wi/1ied7 .No /# de!r Who11er, OLO WHITNE2>. shouted Wo/"+s "e!1in) to his -oot7 I "o'ed !t hi/ !d/irin) this )re!t /!n !"" the /or1hi!7 0e!nwire in ! )h!s"# "it street in Che"the!, ! d!r'"# c"oc'ed /!n with ! -e!r-u" we!1on, cree1ed !+out ser)in) -or re%en)e on the wo/en o- the streets -or )i%in) hi/ the dre!d-oot 67$7 (6!"entine $#!"")7 .I."" 'i"" the/ !"" wo/+ +# wo/+. he /u--"ed +etween scenes7 He w!s "i'e ! +"!c' sh!dow or ne)ro on th!t du/+ -o))# ni)ht !s he -urti%e"# "oo'ed -or his nec' %ic: ti/7 His /inds w!ndered +!c' to his chi"dhoo', re/e/+erin) ! %!)ue thin) or two "i'e his /other !nd -!r/er !nd how the# h!d +e!ten hi/ -or e!tin) his sister7 .I./ de/ented. he s!id chec'in) his diction!r#, .I shou"d +e!n !t ho/e on ! 'ni-e "i'e these7. He turned into ! di/ d!r'# !nd s1otted ! "i)ht7 0!r# *t'ins 1runed herse"%es in the /irr!)e runnin) her h!nd w!nt!n"# throu)h her "!r)e +"ond h!ir7 Her ti)ht dress w!s cut "ow re%e!"in)"# three or -our /ore +"!c'he!ds c!re-u""# scru++ed on her chess7 4usiness h!d +een +!d "!te"# !nd wh!t with the cost o- "i/1in)7 She hurried"# tuc'ed in her )oose: +erries !nd o1ened the door7 .No wonder +usiness is +!d. she re/!r'ed !s she c!u)ht si8e o- her hu/1 in the h!"" /irror7 .0# w!rts !re showin)7. With ! c!re-ree #ode" she s"e1t into the street !nd c!u)ht ! c!+ to her h!11# hu/1in) )rounds7 .Th!t S#dnees.s nothin) +ut ! 1i/1"e "i%in) on /e thus. she thou)ht ."!8in) !+out d!# in d!# o--, !nd here.s /e 1"owin) /# tr!in u1 !nd down "i'e So-t *rthur !nd #ou 'now how so-t *rthur7. She )ot o-- !s uterus !t N!ts C!-e !nd too' u1 her 1osition7 .The#."" ne%er e%en see /e in this -o). she /uttered switchin) on her "!/1s7 Just then ! +"!sted o"ice/!t w!"'ed +#7 .4"!sted o"ice/!t. she shouted, +ut "uc'i"# he w!s de!-7 .4"!sted de!- o"ice/!t. she shouted7 .Wh# don.t #er )err! ?o+>. Litt"e did she )no/e th!t the in-!/ous J!c' the Ni11"e w!s on"# ! -ew streets !w!#7 .I ho1e th!t +"!sted J!c' the Ni11"e

isn.t on"# ! -ew streets !w!#,. she s!id, .he.s not ri)ht in the he!ds7. .How /uch "!d#. ! %oice shoc'ed her -ro/ the doorw!#s oN!ts7 Luc'# -or hi/ there w!s ! s!"e on so7 the# soon retched !n !)re!/ent7 * %er# hi)h c"!ss )ender/!n she thou)ht !s the# w!"'ed Auic'"# to)ether down the now -!/ous C!rrin)to *%er!)e7 .I te"" #er she whore ! )ood wo/!n 0r Wo/"+s sir. s!id S#dnees *s1in!""7 .I Auite +e"ie%e #ou 0r *ster1o"", !-ter !"" #ou 'new her +etter th!n /e !nd de!r o"d +udd# -riend Who11er, +ut we !re not here to discuss her /erits )ood or otherwi%es, we !re here, 0r *sron!ute, to disco%er !s /uch in-or/!tion !s we c!n !+out the un-ortun!te !nd untid# de!th o- 0!r# *t'ins7. Wo/"+s "oo'ed the /!n in the -!ce e--ort"ess"#7 .The n!/e.s *s1in!"" )u%nor. s!id the wretched /!n7 .I./ de"ew!re o- #our n!/e 0r *str!c!n7. Wo/"+s s!id "oo': in) !s i- he w!s )oin) to s/!sh hi/7 .We"" !s "on) !s #ou 'now,. s!id *s1in!"" wishin) he.d )one to S!-e"# S!-e"# Sund!# Tri17 Wo/"+s too' down the entr!i"s -ro/ *s1in!"" !s Auic'"# !s he cou"d, I cou"d see th!t the# weren.t on the s!/e w!%e"e)7 .The thin) th!t 1udd"es /e Wo/"+s,. I s!id when we were !"one, .is wh!t h!11ened to OHo Whitne#; . Wo/"+s "oo)ed !t /e intent"#, I cou"d see th!t )re!t /ind w!s thin'in) !s his tu-ted e#e1enci" 'nit to+o))en, his stron) ?ew ?utted out, his nose1!c' -"!red, !nd the "i/es on his -urhe!ds wrin'"ed7 .Th!t.s ! Auestion Who11er7. he s!id !nd I /!r%e"ed !t his )r!//er7 NeHt d!# Wo/"+s w!s u1 !t the cr!c' o- dorchester, he didn.t e%enin) "oo' !t the /o!nin) 1!1ers7 *s #ewtree I -iHed his +re!'-!t o- +o)!rd, ! )ott"e o- )eer, ! s"ice o- ?ewish +re!d, three e))s with "itt"e "i!rs on, two r!shes o- +!con, ! +owe" o- ,ice @rustcho%s, ! -resh )r!1e-u", /ushrudes, so/e -reed to/orrows, ! +!s'et o- -ruits, !nd ! cu1 o- teens7 .4re!'-eet !re re!d#. I show+od# .It.s on the t!+"e7. 4ut to /# su11"ies he.d !"re!d# )one7 .4"!st the wic'er +!s'et #er )r!nnie s"ee1s in7. I thou)ht .On"# 'iddin) Sh!/roc'. I s!id re/e/+er: in) his h!+it o- hidin) in the cu1+o!rd7 Th!t d!# w!s !n !nHious one -or /e !s I w!ited -or news o/# de!r -riend, I +ec!/e -ret-u" !nd cou"dn.t -inish /# @enno: /e!t, it w!sn.t "i'e Sh!/roc' to "e!%e /e here !"" +# /# own, "one"#F without hi/ I w!s !t "!r)e7 I r!n) u1 ! -ew c"ose it!/!te -riends +ut the# didn.t 'now either, e%en Ins1ectre 4!si" didn.t 'now, !nd i- !n#+od# shou"d 'now, Ins1ectre 4!si" shou"d .c!use he.s ! o"ice7 I w!s ! wee' "!te"# when I s!w hi/ !)!in

!nd I w!s shoc'ed +# his !1eer"ess, he w!s ! disho%e""ed roc'7 .0# (od Wo/"+s. I cried .0# (od, wh!t on e!rth h!%e #ou +een;. .*"" in )ood ti/e Who11er. he trousered7 .W!it ti"" I )et /# +re!st +!c'7. I 1o'ed the -ire !nd w!r/ed his 'i11ers, when he h!d /ini: coo1ered he to"d /e ! stor# which to this d!# I c!n.t re/e/+er7 THE FAULTY BAGNOSE So-t"#, so-t"#, tre!ds the 0un)"e Thinner thorn +eh!%iour street7 Whor) c!ntee"" whorth +ee !s+in; C!/ we so !"" co/1"ete, With !"" our -!u"t# +!)nose; The 0un)"e 1i")ri--s -!r !wo# ,e"i)eor)e too thee wor"ed7 S!/ -e""s on the w!#soc':side *nd so/-or+e on ! )ur"ed, With !"" her -!u"t# +!)nose> Our 0un)"e s1e!'s toni-e !t ei)ht He te""s us wo1 to doo *nd +"ess us cotten sods !)!in O!/ni11"e to our ?ew (With !"" their -!u"t# +!)nose)7 4"ess our )ur"ished wr!/-eed 0e cursed c!-e 'n!/e *nd +"ess thee "o!- he e!tin) With he )o"den teeth !-"!/e (i%e us O5, -!u"t# +!)nose> (ood 0un)"e +"!ith our /e!th!""s Woo- /e++"e /orn so )reen the whee" St!))!+oon undie so/e )r!1e"o!d To )et ! "itt"e -ee" o- /# own -!u"t# +!)nose7 Its not O5, -!u"t# +!)nose now &u"" "ust !nd dirt# h!nd Whiteh!"" the tre+"e 0un)"e s1e!' We /i)ht !s we!"th +e +!nd Inc"udin) #our -!u"t# +!)nose (i%e us this+e our d!i"# tit (ood 0un)"e on #er tr!%e""ed * )o!t o- /!n# co"oureds Wi+erneth !"" +ene!th unr!%e""ed

*nd not so 05CH O& 2E, &*5LT2 4*(NOSE> WE MUST NOT FORGET ... ... THE GENERAL ERECTION *8ue or" )no/e, H!r!ssed Wi"sod won the (ener!" Erection, with ! %er# s/!"" /!r?orie o%er the Torchies7 Thus 1uddin) the L!+orin) !rt"# +!c' into 1owe"" !-ter ! "!r)e !+cess7 This he cou"d not h!%e done withouts1!n the +!r'in) o- thee Tr!de Onions, he!d# +# &ren' Cunnin)s (who noun h!s ! S*&E SE*T in Nune!tin) th!n' #ou !nd &ron' (on"# 6B) 4owe"s h!sn.t)7 Sir *"ice $ou+t"ess:Who/ w!s : Auote : .+ither"# dith!: 1ointed. +ut /!n!)ed to 'ee1 s/ir'in) on his Joo,ooo !cre est!te in Scot"!nd with ! +it o- -ishin) !nd th!t7 The Torchies (now in !11erition) h!%e sti"" the c!1!+"e Au!"ities o- such dis!+"e /en !s ,!++it 4un"o!- !nd the %er# "!te H!rrods 0c0i""ion7 Wh!t, #ou !rs', h!11ened to *ns: wer/e Enos (eH ri/ 0inic!r) !-ter th!t Sue8 1uddin), 1e!1"e !re s!#in)7 We"" I don.t 'now7 We /ust not -or)et the )re!t ro"es 1"!#ed out +# Hu)e &oot !nd $in)ie in c!1turin) ! %ote or to/+7 We /ust not -or)et 0rs Wi"sod showin) her toi"ets on te""#7 We /ust not -or)et 0r C!r!%!ns "o%in) s/i"e on 4ud)ie $!# !s he r!ised the 1rice o- the O"d *)e ests7 We /ust not -or)et 0r C!r!%!ns "o%e"# s/i"e when he r!ised the 1rice o- the 07 7s (0ent!"s o- !r"i!: /ent) w!)ers !s we"" !"so7 We /ust not -or)et Jo'e (ri//!ce (LI4)7 We /ust not -or)et to issue c"o)s to !"" the (7 7 Ost/en who !re -oin) )re!t thin)s so/ewhere !nd !"so we /ust not -or)et to ost E!r"# -or Christs!'e7 L!st"# +ut not 1riest, we /ust not -or)et to 1ut the c"oc's +!c' when we !"" )et +o/+ed7 H!ro"d7 BENJAMAN DISTASTEFUL 4en?!/in h!"ted his )r!%e -"ow o- s1e!ch !nd "u) o-- ! ci)!r- he 'new where 1ee'# +oon> He wretched o%er# !nd +er"in !"" the tootsdes7 .It were !"" no' ! "i/1cheese then ! wor' -erce +ott"e7 *i w!r1 ! )r!"e re)rowth on, with# +oor"# re1"enish!/!ts!t# troo1, !nd h!r"!s ! wedre!""# to -i)ht7 We.re s!%e @in) o- 1!/: 1ices when !"" the wor/ here /e !id7. I in!d%ert!+!+"# !n un: o+trusi%e ne#+er h!d "oo'e round !nd seen ! "ot o- )oin)s o--,

#ou 'now how the# !re7 *n#w!rt, I s!# )et ! +!tt"#!rd 1uss: "o!d, #e scrurr# n!%%#, I +esei)e o- !"" /# +o))"e1h!rt, w!# with his 'ind -!r"en# !nd )re%e# c!w"ers7 4ut 4en?!/!n w!s ! r!ther /!n -or !"" I c!red7 I e#ed he "oo'in), .4en. I cried .2ou !re r!ther /!n7. He "oo'ed !t /e h!rd"# with ! +rown trowe"7 .I 'now. he s!id, .+ut I do ! ste!d# thirst#7. I were o%erwhe"1ed with hee/ )r!te 'now!"d)e, #ou d!rn.t o--er /e!d !nd /on' with !"" these no+od#, I thou)ht7 * /!n "i'e he sh!"" h!-- !"" the +od)# 1ood"es in his h!nds7 .Curse #e +!"d# +utters, !nd *i thin' its ! 1ritt# 1oreshow when so/e+ott"e o- /# st!tue h!s to 1"!ce #on)s"!%e on /# de1osite7. .Wh# : wh#; . I cri++"e !"" t!wdr# in /# +est s#dne#s7 To this d!# I."" ne%er 'now7 THE EN$ THE WUMBERLOG (OR THE MAGIC DOG) Whi"st !"" the tow w!s s"ee1# Cre1t ! "itt"e +o# -ro/ +ed To -!ined the wondrous 1eo+"e Wot "i%ed when the# were de!d7 He 1!c'ed ! "itt"e %oucher &or his dinner .ne!th ! tree7 . erhu/1s ! tin# dw!r- or two Wou"d sh!re !+ite with /e; . erch!/1 I."" see the Wu/+er"o) The hi)h"# -e!thered crow, The "!r-in) "e!1in) H!rristweed *nd )ood o"d 5nc"e Joe7. He 1!c'ed he %er# trun'!se, C"e!n soc'ers -or ! wee', His +oo' !nd den8i" -or his notes, Then out the wind# cree17 He /et hi/ -riend"# /!)ic do), *"" +"!c' !nd cur"ew too, Wot -"ew hi/ -!st in second c"!ss To do wot he /ust do7 .I."" "e!%e #ou now sir,. s!id the do), .4ut ?ust +e-ore I )o I /ust !d%ise #ou,. s!id his -riend .This +o!t to c!re-"ee row7. .I th!n' #ou 'ind"# -riend"# 1!", I wi"",. !nd so he did, *nd -"o!ted down tow!rds the "!nd

Where !"" the secrets hid7 Wh!t "!r-s !1"ent# did he "!r-, It see/in) so !+surdF Whi"st "osin) !"" his o!rs, On his he!d he -ound ! +ird7 .He""o,. the +ird s!id, "!r-in) too, .I ho1e #ou don.t /ind /e, I.%e co/e to )uide #ou here on in, In c!se #ou.re "ost !t se!7. We"" -!nc# th!t, the +o# thou)ht, I ne%er 'new ti"" now Th!t +irds cou"d s1e!' so 1"!in"#7 He wondered : wonder how; .Wh!t 'ind o- +ird !re #ou sir;. He s!id with due res1ect, .I ho1e I./ not too nose# 4ut I didn.t not eH1ect7. .I !/ ! wu/+er"o) #ou see,. The +ird re1"ied : !"" co#, .The hi)h"# -e!thered s1ecies "!d, 2ou ou)ht to ?u/1 -or ?o#7. .I wou"d I wou"d, i- on"#, +ut 2ou see : we"" : #es, oh de!r, The thin) is de!r o"d Wu/+er"o) I./ 1etri-ied with -e!r> . .Now don.t +e si""#. s!id the +ird, .I -riend"# : !"w!#s : !nd I./ not "i'e Thor1# (ru/1h"!1, I."" show #ou when we "!nd7. *nd soon the "!nd c!/e inter%iew, * .t!stic si)ht -or sure, *n is"!nd with !n e#e to see To )uide #ou into shore7 .H!rd to st!r+o!rd. s!id ! tree, .2er -ocs"e /!ins"e +"!st Shi%%er ti/+ers w!#!rd wind *t "!st #er.%e co/e !t "!st7. .2ou weren.t eH1ectin) /e, I ho1e. The +o# s!id, 1u88"ed now7 .O- course we !re. ! thin) s!id, Loo'in) s"i)ht"# "i'e ! cow7 .We.%e )ot the 'ett"e )oin) "!d,. * cheer-u" !11"e s!#, .I."" +rin) ! +!) o- -riends !"on) Wot #ou c!n h!%e -or t!#7.

* te!we"" !te, with do) !nd tree Is not ! co//on si)ht, Es1eci!""# when the do) hi/se"H!d st!rted o-- the -"i)ht7 .How did #ou )et here cur"ew -riend;. The +o# s!id !"" ! /!8e7 .The s!/e w!# #ou did, in ! +o!t,. The do) #e""ed throu)h the h!8e7 .Where !re !"" the 1eo+"e, 1"e!se, Wot "i%e when the# !re de!d; I.d "i'e to see the/ i- I /!# 4e-ore I./ +!c' in +ed7. .2ou."" see the/ son,. ! c!rrot s!id, =$on.t hurr# usF #ou 'now 2ou.%e )ot to e!t ! 1"!te o- /e 4e-ore we "et #ou )o>. Then o-- to see the 1eo+"e who/ The "!d h!d co/e to see *nd in the dist!nce there he s!w * )rou1 o- twei"%e or three7 * "itt"e -urther on !t "!st There were ! "ot or /ore, *"" di))in) in the )round !nd th!t, *"" di))in) in the -"oor7 .Wh!t !re #ou di))in) !"" the ti/e;. He !s'ed the/ "i'e ! +rother7 4e-ore the# !nswered he cou"d see The# re!""# du) e!ch other, In -!ct the# too' it turns !1iece To "!# down in the )round *nd sho%e the soi" u1on the he!ds O- !"" their -riends !round7 We"", wh!t ! si)ht> I !s' #ou now7 He h!d to "!r- out "nud7 4e-ore he 'new wh!t h!11ened He.d )!thered Auite ! crowed7 Without ! word, !nd s1!des on hi)h, The# !"" du) dee1 !nd "ow, *nd 1"!ced the +o# into ! ho"e NeHt to his 5nc"e Joe7 .I to"d #ou not to co/e out here,. His unc"e s!id, !"" s!d7 .I h!d to 5nc"e,. s!id the +o#7 .2ou.re !"" the -riend I h!d7. With ?ust their he!ds !+o%e the )round

The# +!de ! -ond )ood+#e, With !"" the 1eo1"e shoutin) out =Here.s /ud into #our e#e> . (*nd there cert!in"# w!s7) ARAMINTA DITCH *r!/int! $itch w!s !"w!#s "!r-in)7 She woo- "!r- !t these, "!r!t th!s7 *"w!#s "!r-in) she w!s7 0!n# +od# 1eo-"e woo- "oo' !t!t her s!#in), .Wh# does th!t *r!/int! $itch 'ee1 "!r-in);. The# cou"d ne%er underst!/1 wh# she w!s e%er "!r-in) !+out the 1"!ce7 .I ho1e she.s not !t !"" "!r-in) !t /e,. so/e 1eo'"e wou"d s!#, .I cert!in"# ho1e th!t *r!/int! $itch is not "!r-in) !t /e7. One d!te *r!/int! rose u1 out o- her du--"e +ed, "!r-in) !s usu!" with th!t ins!)e "!r- 1eo?"e h!d co/e to 'now her -or/7 .Hee> hee> hee> . She "!r-ed !"" the w!# down to +re!'-!rt7 .Hee> hee> hee> . She )ur)"ed o%er the /or/!n 1!1iers7 .Hee> hee> hee> . Continude *r!/int! on the +u88 to wir'7 This 1u++"ed the 1!ss!)es !nd condoctor eAu!""# +oth7 .Wh# is th!t +oot "!r-in) !"" the ti/e;. InAueered !n e"der+err# 1!s: sen)eor)e who tr!+e""ed re)u"!r)e on th!t roo- !nd h!d ! write to 'now7 .I +et no+od# 'nows wh# I !/ !"w!#s "!r-in)7. S!id *r!: /int! to herse"- 1ri%!te"#, to herse"-7 .The# wou"d de!r"# "o%e to 'now wh# I !/ !"w!#s "!r-in) "i'e this to /#se"%e 1ri%!te"# to /#se"%e7 I +et so/e 1eo+"e wou"d re!""# "i'e to 'now7. She w!s ri)ht, o-- course, "ots o- 1eot"e wou"d7 *r!/int! $itch h!d ! +o#-red who cou"d ne%er see the ?o'e7 .*s "on) !s she.s h!11#,. he s!id7 He w!s ! )ood /!n7 . r!# te"" /e, *r!/int!, wh# is it th!t #ou "!r- so re!di"#7 2e!#e, +ut I !/ sor"# trou+"ed so/eti/es when th# "!r-ter c!uses sitch tri+u"!tion !nd e/+!rres/ent !/on)st /# -!/i"# !nd e"ders7. *r!/int! wou"d "!r- !"I the /ore !t !n out+ur1 "i'e this, e%en to the 1oint o- h#steri--s7 .Hee> hee> hee>. She wou"d scre!/ !s i- 1ossessed +# the %er# dou+"e hi/se"-7 .Th!t *r!/int! $itch wi"" h!%e to stor1 or" these "!r-in)F she wi"" de-inite"# h!%e to stor1 it7 I wi"" )o cr!8# i- she don.t stor1 it7. This w!s the "!r)e %oice o- her )ood"# nei)h+ore, 0rs Cr!/s+#, who "i%ed ri)ht neHt door !nd "oo'ed !-ter the c!ts whi"st *r!/int! w!s !t wor'7 .T!'es ! )ood de!" o- "oo'in) !-ter these c!t when she.s !t wor' : !nd th!t.s nothin) to "!r!+out> . The who"e street h!d +e)innin) to worr# !+out *r!/int!.s

"!r-ter7 Wh#; h!dn.t she +een "!r-in) !nd "i%in) there -or n#e: +e%!n thirt# #e!rs, continu!""# "!r-in) hee> hee> !nd !nno#in) the/; The# +e)!n to ho"d /eters to see wh!t cou"d +e done : !-ter !"" the# h!d to "i%e with her h!dn.t the#; It w!s the/ who h!d to !"w!#s 'ee1 he!rin) her in!ne "!r-tor7 *t one such /eetin)e the# deci1"e to c!"" on the he"1 o- *r!/int!s. +o#: -iend who w!s c!""ed ,ich!rd (so/eti/es ,ich!rd the Turd, +ut th!ts !nother stor#)7 .We"" I dont 'now de!r -riends,. s!id ,ich!rd, who h!ted the/ !""7 This w!s !t the second /eetin'> O+%ous"ie) s!/tin) hed tow +e doon : !nd Auic'"#7 *r!: /int!s. -!ce w!s s1re!din) !+oon the countr#, 1eoch"e -r!/ !"" w!"'s o- "e) +e)!n to re)!rden her with ! cert!in insi)ht "e-t7 .Wh!t c!non I do th!t wou"d Aue"" this /irth wh!t is )r!du:, !""# dr#in) /e to drin', h!%e I not +es1o'en to her o-ten, +ettin) her to ce!se, thre!t"in) : c!?o"son : !rs'in), 1"e!ses sto1 this "!r-tor *r!/int!7 I !/ !t the end o- /# "e!ther : /# cu1 'enneth conner,. ,ich!rd s!#7 The 1eo1"e o- the street /u+:7 +ered in !)ree/ent, wh!t cou"d he do; He w!s -oin) his %est7 .We wi"" !s' the 6ic!r,. s!id 0rs Cr!/+se#, .Sure"# he c!n eHercise it out o- her; . The 1eod"e !)reed : .Sure"# the 6ic!r c!n do it i- !n#+ott# c!n7. The 6ic!r s/i"ed ! -unn# "itt"e s/i"e who"st the )oo 1eo1"e s1"!ined the trou/er7 When the# h!d h!d -inished s1e!chin) he rose u1 )r!nd"# -ro/ his +!rthch!ir !nd s!id "oud !nd c"e!r .Wh!t do #ou /e!n eH!ct"#;. The 1eod"e si)hed !n s"ow"ies st!rted to st!rt !)!in te""in) hi/ !+out the !w-u" c!se o- *r!/int!.s "!r-in)7 .2ou /e!n she ?ust 'ee1s "!r-in) -er no ! 1!rent se!son;. he s!id +ri)ht"#7 .2ess th!t.s it -!8!c'er"# 6ic!r,. s!id ,ich!rd, ./ornin) noon !nd ni)e, !"w!#s "!r-in) "i'e ! /!d thin7. The 6ic!r "oo'ed u1 -ro/ his 'nittin) !nd o1ened7 his /ouths7 .So/ethin) wi"" h!%e to +e done !+out th!t )ir" "!r-in) !"" the ti/e7 It.s not ri)ht7. .I re!""# dou)hnut see th!t it is !n# concer%!ti%e o- thiers whether i "!r- or n!/ent,. si)hed *r!/int! o%er ! "en)th# %ic: ti/7 .The tri-"e with the 1eo/"e !round here is th!t the# h!%e -or)oden how, I re1e!t, how to "!r-, re%erend, th!t.s wh!t I thin' !n#how7. She w!s o- corset t!"'in) to the eHtre/e"# re%erend LIONEL H5(HES7 She h!d )one to see hi/ in c!se he cou"d he"1 her in !n# s/!"" w!#, considerin) he w!s !"w!#s s1outin) o-- !+out he"1in) 1eou1"e she thou)ht she.d )i%e hi/ ! tr# !s it were7 .Wh!t c!n I s!# /# de!r, I /e!n wh!t c!n I s!#; . *r!/int! "oo'ed !t the ho"# -in' with dis+e"ie-7 .Wh!t do #ou /e!n : wh!t c!n I s!# : don.t !s' /e wh!t to s!#7 I c!/ here to !s' #ou -or he"1 !nd #ou h!%e the !ud!cid!cidit# to !s' /e wh!t to

s!# : is th!t !"" #ou h!%e to s!#;. she #e""owed7 .I 'now eH!ct"# how #ou -ee" S!/!nth!, I h!d ! cousin the s!/e w!#, cou"dn.t see ! thin without his )"!s)ows7. *r!/int! stood u1 in ! 'ind o- suit, she 1ic'ed u1 her own /on)e"s !nd r!n serious"# out o- the roo/7 .No wonder he on"# )ets three in on Sund!#> . she eHc"!i/ed to ! s/!"" )rou1 owe""wishers7 * #e!r or /ore 1!ssedo%er with no ch!n)ei in *r!/int!.s str!n)e "!r-in)7 .Hee> hee> hee> she went dri%!n herse"- !nd e%erone !round her ins!ne7 THE,E SEE0E$ NO EN$ TO THE ,O4LE07 This went on -or ei)ht# #e!rs unti" *r!/int! died "!r-in)7 This did not he"1 her nei)h+ers /uch7 The# h!d !"" died -irst, : which w!s one o- the /!n# thin)s th!t *r!/int! died "!r-in) o--7 CASSANDLE 2ou!""'now/e How /!n# ti/es h!%e I w!rned #ou !"" !+out /# te"e1hone; We"" it h!11ened !)!in> Once /ore I cou"dn.t )et throu)h to /# *unt# 4esst, !nd #et !)!in I ne!r"# didn.t )et /# -!/ous co"u/n with ! 1icture o- /e inset throu)h those d!/n +"!sted o1er!tors> 2O5 'now how I h!te those d!/n +"!sted o1er!tors7 2ou !"" 'now /e7 THI,T2 TWO ti/es I tried to )et throu)h with /# -!/ous co"u/n !nd thirt# two ti/es I w!s to"d to .(erro-- the "ine #er +orein. ow"d )!ss+!)>. When I to"d ! co""e!)ue or two, the# cou"dn.t not +e"ie%e it, !-ter !"" h!dn.t I +een writin) the s!/e thin) -or siHt# #e!rs; 2ou !"" 'now /e777 Thew!#Iseeit How /!n# /oron o- these incredi+"e s"e!s# +!c'w!rd, +!d, de!- /on: 'e#s, 1!rsin) !s entert!iners, with thier &LO TO E$ h!ir, -!""in) !+out the 1"!ce "i'e 0!r# IC@&O,$, do I h!%e to 1ut u1 with; The w!# I see it, ! )ood s/e"" in the *r/# wou"d cure the/, )et rid o- ! -ew /ore c!1it!"ist +!rs'ets (OO S>)7 Not +ein) !+"e to st!nd c!1it!"is/, I -!i" to see wh# those !w-u" co//on "!ds /!'e !"" th!t /one#, in s1ite o- /e !nd the )o%ernrnent in ! societ# such !s ours where our t!"ent wi"" out7 I 'now I./ ! +!"d o"d )et with )"!sses (SEE ICT5,E)7 0!#+e I ou)ht to +e th!n'-u", +ut I dou+t it777 @o/sderre%o"ution C!%i!re is co""ected -or /e with Ho""#wood7 $o #ou rerne/+er when I h!d dinner with th!t su1er s1i--in) showdo) 0i'e 9 (,ound the W!"" in Ei)ht# $!#s, the "!te) Todd#; We"" he "o%ed c!%i!rseD)re!t 1ots o-

itD !nd he !ssu"/ed derr# +odd# e"- did !nd i- the# didn.t, the# shou"d d!/n it (O S>)7 2ou !"" 'now /e, we"" I don.t "i'e it, !nd I -ind /#se"(so/ti/es) -i)htin) ! -ierce !nd wonder-u"" %er+!" +!tt"e !s to whether I shou"d +e -orthed !)!inst /# wi"" to e!t this cost"# de"ic!s# -ro/ the C!s1i!n Se!7 <uite or-ten I "ose, +ut th!ts Soci!"is/7 (2ou 'now /e)7 0i'e (,ound the Worst in * T!"" C!noe, the "!te) Todd# wou"d h!%e "i'ed /e7 I su11ose ! "ot o- #ou h!%e ne%er h!d the ch!nce o- re-usin) this cost"# de"ic!c#, +e"ie%e /e -!ns, #ou ne%er wi"" i- we 'ee1 +ui"din) !"" those +o/+s777 5nti" to/orrow -riends when I (2O5 *LL @NOW 0E) wi"" +e +!c' with the s!/e 1icture, +ut ! $I&&E,ENT <5OTE +rothers7 (ood $!#, (The w!# I see it>) THE NATIONAL HEALTH COW I stro""ed into ! -!r/#!rd When no:one w!s !+out Tre!din) 1!st the trou+"es I r!ised /# he!d to shout7 .Co/e out the Cow with )"!sses,. I c!""ed !nd ro""ed /# e#e7 It !/+"ed u1 tow!rd /e, I /i"'ed it with ! si)h7 .2ou.re ?ust in ti/e. the cow s!id, Its e#es were !"" !)"!8e, .I./ -ee"in) "i'e !n e"e1h!nt, I !ren.t +een /i"'ed -or d!#s7. .Wh# is this; . I !s'ed it, Tu))in) !t its thrott"es7 .I don.t 'now wh#, 1erh!1s it.s .c!use 02 /i"' co/es out in +ott"es7. .Th!t.s h!nd# -or the )o%ern/ent,. I thou)ht, !nd in ! tic' The cow -e"" de!d !"" sudden (I.d s/!shed it with ! +ric')7 READERS LETTUCE $e!r Sir, I& 0r 0oth+!""s (&e+, BE Sun.T!i/es, 1!)e K7 co" 4), thin's th!t the Hon )ent"e/!n (Nor/!n Ccou)h)7 We"" I./

here to te"" hi/ (0r 0oth+!""s) th!t he h!s +itten o-- /ore th!n he c!n chew7 How de!rie i/1"# th!t 0r Ccou)h is soci!""# in1urdent; W!s it not Ccou)h who/ st!rted o-- the wor"ed wide or)!nise!tionses, which in turn +rou)ht i/idi!te res1onse -ro/ the Western *""i!nce (T7 57 ,7)7 I- 0r S/ith: +!r+s sincere"# i/!)ines th!t Indone)ro is re!""# )oin) to !tt!c' the *ustr!"i!n continent with the e#es o- the wor"ed u1on the/ I c!n on"# !su"/e th!t he (0r S/!""+urns) h!s t!'en "e!- o- his sentries> H!s he -or)ettin) 0r Ccou)h.s )r!et s1ee' !t the *se/+"# o- N!ti%es; Is he !"so -or+ett: in) th!t hithertoe un1ress#dess# ch!rter : the 4"ested O"d Widows : which w!s c!rried throu)h the House with ! 0!?o""it# %ote; In -uture I ho+e thet 0r S/e""+!rth wi"" re-ri!n -ro) /!'ein) wi"d !nd d!n)eroo st!te/onths7 I re/!in sti"", #ours -or the !rs'in), Jenni-!rse Cou)h (no re"!tions)7 7S7 C*N I HE6E * HOT2 O& WIN$2 ST*N$STILL ; Editors &oot+!""7 ::::::::::::::::: We"" /!!.//, the o"d Co+"ers thin' #ou.re ! %er# 1"uc'# christion7 Wish there were ! -ew /ore "i'e #ourse"- /!!.//>>> SILLY NORMAN .I re!""# don.t 'now woot to /!' o- these,. s!id Nor/!n, !s he sorted throu)h hi/ Chri/+!s 1osed7 .It see/ woot I )it /ower "itters und 1!rs'e"s th!n woot I 'now 1eo1"es, it su1"i: 8eses /oi /oor et /oor e!ch #!r, !s /oor on these 1!res'"e 'ee1 coo/in)7 I re!""# doon.t 'n!w whew !"" the# +od# !re : sedd"in) i' !"" this7. He c"!+ Auite"# too the -ire, she%in) ! -ew /ou)h ruddish !wn7 .It.s c!/e tow ! 1rett# 1!rse when I don.t e%i" 'new where the# c!/ -ro)7. Nor/!n coo1 !n stett# 'ee" !nd 1ro/1t"# wed intow thee 'itcheon tow 1ut u1 thee 'ett"e orn7 .I /i)ht !s we"sh /!' /e ! coo1er te!, I ni)ht !s we"1 he% ! choco"ush +irs'it !s we"", wi"e I do nodd#7. So s!#in) so he /!rshed o--er to th!t te!1od !nd t!1 it to th!t sin)9 +ud to he )re# su--ise : wh!t> : +!t noo w!rt#7 .(oo+ her!"ds> wh!t.s !"" o- thi8 )oin)e !wn; $oe /ein ice des"ee%e /e; */ I 'not "oo-in) !t /e owen sin):unice, !nd there +e 'now w!rt#;. He w!s Au!it r!i)ht, "o> the w!rt# didn noo !1e!r, tre# !s he /!#: +e7 O-- course we !"" 'now whe# this w!rt# do no coo/+, +e:

cour)h the t!n)s the# !re !w" -ree8u1, !w" on the#, !w" the# -ree8o17 Nor/!n di) 'nort 'now th!t, -or Nor/!n hi/ ! si""#, /!n : #es : Nor/!n is sor-t7 .OH de!""# /e!t> oh woe is/e, w!rt c!n!d!, ther !re n!# werters toe /ic' ! c!1er t!#, !n)e /e. /oo%er she !rther coo/in) -ert# too7 I sh!"" he!%e two )ou)h neHt!dor, 1erh!ts the# /i)ht h!"" he-t#7. Sow Nor/!n he )entr# 1oots his h!d h!nd co!t orn /!'ein) sewer to wr!%e hisse"- o1 "i'e he /oo/# te"" hi/, +roosh +e#ond the e!rs !nd out o- th!t -r!nt door he )host7 To hi/ tru"# !/!se/!id, he -!inds nou)ht ! hou-e nou)ht ! hou)h inside> W!rt on e!rth is he--erin); : wh# : there i8not ! hu) to+eseen, not !n#w!# -er /i"es !+oot7 (ood# (ri--, which !rter# in HE&&E, h!ro"d +# th# nor/> is these not thet enid o- the wor/; Sure"# to )ooseste1 I !/ nit th!t "!rst /!n on e!rn;. he -e"" sudd# to the )round wee-# !nd wh!"e# eri8e"in) tu+er L!wn !+oo%e to s!%-re hi/ or ?ud)e s1!re ! -riend or to7 .I wi"- )i%e o- !w" /# word# 1osesions, !w" /e -oren st!+s, !w" /e c"!ssicow rechords, !w" /e -!%e r!%e 1id)eons o- Hu/1t# Litt"esod thee )re!t nothin)7 *"" these oh wondrouse S!i"or u1 !+o%e, I o--er #e i- on"# #er wi"" s!%e /e> . Nor/!ns /!ther, who #ou re/e/+r!ne, w!s ! co/+in) toot#, w!s shor'ed when she c!/ !croose hi/ "#in)e !wn the -"oor thus cr#in), .0# de!r NO,0*N>. she scree)e, .W!rt in (ri--s. n!%e !re #ou doin), wh# !re #ou c!rro"in) on this w!#; . She wo))ed s"i)ht"# o%er to her own son, with ! woddied "oo- in her e#e7 . o"ice don.t )!rr#on "i'e this /# son, te"" 0udd"e werts the /etre7. Nor/!n r!%ed hi/se"- s"ow"# !nd s!++"# "oc'ed !t her7 .C!rrot #ou see, /u++er, (ri-- h!%e end the wor"ed7 I on"# went to )uess s!/ w!rt#, !nd then it di++"e wir', so I went to )o nec'tie to ! ne+ou)h !nd I s!w wit h!d h!11ened : (,I&& h!d ended the wor"7 I s!w nothin) : e%er# where there where no ne#+ers7 Oh 0!ther wet is h!11enin);. Nor/!ns nither t!'e won "oo) !t he with ! dis!+e"e!-ed s1res: sion on her he!d7 .0# (o"-> Nor/!n wit !re #uo tor'in) !+out turn; $on!"d #ou /e/+er thet there h!%e +een no+od#s "i%: -in) here e%er; ,e/e/+"e whensd!# -irst /o%e in how #ou s!# : =Th!n' He!%# there !re no 1eo1"re !+out this 1"!ce, I w!nt to +e !"oe-;= h!%e #ou -er)it !"" thist"e;. Nor/!n "uc'ed o1 !t he /!/ (sti'" cr#"in)) with teeth in his e#e, s!#in) : .0uther, thou !rt the one, the 1ower o% !ttern#, -or he!%!n s!'es !/en7 Th!n' #ou de!r /ether, I h!d tru"# -or)ot7 I !/ si""# Nor: /!n> . The# +ooth "in' !r+s !nd w!"' +ri)ht"# to the house7 .&!nc# /e -er+ettin) th!t no:+ott"e "i%es ro#nd here /other> &!nt!sie -or)ettin) thet>. The# e!ch "!-- to)ether !s the# he!d -our the 'itchen : !nd "o> : th!t w!rt# runs !)!in, the sun: +ee-s h!d done it, !nd the# +ooth h!%e te!, +ooth on the/7

Which ?u+ sh!w #er : : .Howe%er +"!c'1oo" tower /!#+e, In ti/e the#."" +!ss!w!#7 H!%e -!ith !nd tru/1!nd 44C : (ri--s. "i)ht /!'e +ri)ht #our d!#7. *0EN (end /ic'!e"! dentist7) MR BORIS MORRIS Howe%er 0r 4oris 0orris w!s /or)!n th!n'-u" -or his n!rrow esc!1e is "!r)e"# 1ut down to his h!11# 'n!c' o- +ein) in the ri)ht 1"!ce !t the ri)ht 1"!ce7 &or st!nce, 4oris w!s the one who/ cornered 0iss e!r" St!ines !t her i/1ro/tu +ut "i)ht: he!rted )!r+!)e 1!rt"#7 .0iss St!ines. he h!d shouted .how co/e #ou ne%er in%ited #er sister to the do;. .&or the s!/e re!son I didn.t in%ite #ou 0r 0orris. she re: 1"i)ht re!chin) -or !no%en he"1in)7 4oris w!s no -ud)e, he Auic'"# /e"ted into the +!c'c"oth "i'e !n o"d c!'e, s"i)h"# t!'in) c!nd# shots o- 0iss St!ines with her re"!ti%e"#7 .She won.t in%ite /e to the neHt do either. he re/!r'ed out "oud with !+o%e !%er!)e c"!rit#7 4oris w!s e"sie the /!n who/ )ot the 1hoties o- the $u1e o4ed1!n doin) thin)s !t the !n#e!r"# ?!1 -esti%!", /uch to the su11er o- the $uchess set7 Thus then w!s 4oris 0orris ! /!n o)re!t re'nown !nd -!/i"i!rit#, !cce1ted !t do.s o- the we!"th# !nd the 1oor !"i'e he""7 He w!s 'new !s the ?ew with ! %iew, !nd he h!d7 Not "on) !-ter one o- his /ore we"" 'nown esc!: 1!des, he w!s un-ortun!+"e to recie%e ! terri+"e +"ow to his e)o7 He w!s shot in the -!ce !t ! Hunt 4!"" +ut no+od# 1e!1"e -ound out ti"" the end +ec!u)h the# !"" thou)ht it w!s ! c"e%er /!s'7 .Wh!t ! c"e%er /!s' th!t /!n h!s on,. w!s he!rd once or twi)7 It w!s not the end o- 4oris !s #ou /i)ht we"" i/!r)in, +ut e%en +e-ore his -!ce set he w!s to e!si"# reco)ni8!+"e !t /ost 1"!ces, with 1e!1"e 1ointin) !t hi/ s!#in) thin) "i'e .Wh!t ! )ood shot. !nd other7 *"" this set 4oris thin'in), s1eci!""# in the /ornin) when he w!s sh!%in) his sc!+s, !s on"# he 'new how7 .0ust -iH this +"o+ o- /ine. he.d s/i"e o%er ! -!ce-u" o- +"ot: tin) 1!1er7 .2ou cert!in"# /ust de!r. s!id his !/i!+"e o"d wi-e, .wh!t

with /e not )ettin) !n# #oun)er7. BERNICE'S SHEEP This ni)ht I "!+"e down to s"ee1 With he-t# he!rt !rid /uch s!ddened With !"" the +u++"es o- the wor"d 4r!ttin) /# +ou"ders Oh de!r shee1 I s"!1ter countin) one +e one Ti"" I c!n cow no/ore this d!# Ti"" +ethn# h!rd !ches "e!%e we E"+in) /# eth+reeds $e!r (ri--.s son Wh!t 'ee1s /e !"+erts ow" -e""oon Th!t is e!r" I !s' -ro/ !n#+ott"# Th!t I )r!1e /e d!i"# wor' Cronchin) our +!tter 0# own +!sssoon7 C!n I )et ! )ri++"e o- /e Shou"d I he--er !"w!# sic'ened Shou"d #ou n!++ie /# -ur+ern Wi"-in) their +us+ie Oh de!r /e7 No> I sh!"" stre8e /# e+er:te!1> With "i)ht"# "o!- !nd )re!t "!r-ter With he!d he"d e#e !nd !"" (r!--in) /# rhi/+er Oh de!r shee17 LAST WILL AND TESTICLE .I, 4!rro"d ,e)in!"d 4un'er:H!rAu!rt +ein) o- sound /ind #ou, "i/1 !nd +odie, do on this d!# the 1K o- Se1te/1er 19B4th, "e!%e !"" /# +e"od)in)s est!te !nd +rown suits to /# nice neice E"sie7 The !+o%e !--or/entioned here!-ter to +e 'e1t in ! "!r)e +oH untit she is B1 o- !)e, then to +e re"e!sed !/on)st ! +irthd!%e 1!rt# )i%en in her honour7 She wi"" then +e whee"ed )"!d"# into the (re!t H!"" or 'itchen, !nd !"" /# word"# )ood he!1ed u1on her

in !+und!nce7 Thus !ccordi!nto /# wi"" wi"" this +e c!rried out !s I "ie in the )round )ettin) e!ten7. This then w!s the "!st wi"" !nd testic"e o- I 4!rro"d ,e)in!"d 4un'er:H!rAu!rt, which w!s to ch!n)e the "i%es o- so /!n# 1eo+"e : s1eci!"it# "itt"e E"sie who/ w!s on"# thirteens7 .*re #ou sure I h!%e to st!# in the +oH;. !s'ed E"sie chi"d: ish"#7 .2er not de!- !re #er;. #e""ed &reud <7C7 wh!t w!s he"1in)7 .2er .e!rd the -!/i"i!s so"ister !s )ood !s we didn.t #er; . .I w!s on"# /!'ein) con%ers!tion. re1"ied E"isie who w!s on"# thirteen7 Just then E"isies de!r O"d N!nn# H!rriette +ro'e down in te!rs !nd e%er#+od# w!"'ed Auiet"# out o- the roo/ "e!%in) her to her )re!se, eHce1t $r (not the) 4!rn!do7 .There there H!rriette, th!t won.t +rin) the 0!stered +!c'. he s!id 'nowin)"#7 .I 'now I 'now. she +"uttered .its not th!t, its where !re we )oin) to -ind ! +oH to -it her -oot; te"" /e th!t, where !re we )oin) to -ind ! +oH to -it her -oot;. Luc'i"# the $r 'new ! c!r1entor in the %i""!)e who w!s * W O N $ E , W I T H W O O $7 .I./ wonder with wood7. he used to s!#, !s he sored his w!# throu)h "i-e : with ! n!iI in one h!nd !nd 1o"io in the other (his "i)ht h!nd +ein) stron)er th!n his "est)7 .Chi"dren shou"d +e sei8ed !nd not h!rd. w!s so/ethin) 5nc"e 4!rro"d h!d !"w!#s s!id !nd e%en O"d N!nn# h!d !"w!#s re1"ied .O%er# c"own h!s ! si"%er "i-e+o!t. which !"w!#s dried hi/ !17 *n#w!it, E"isie w!s soon ento/+ed in her /!de to /!rion +oH, !nd 1eo1"e -ro/ /i"es !d!%ies wou"d co/e !nd %isit HE,, +ut on"# when it w!s sunn# : -or she w!s 'e1t ri)ht"# in the )!rden7 .*t "e!st she."" )et so/e -resh !ir7. !r)ued O"d N!nn# : !nd she w!s ri)ht7 Three #e!rs 1!rst !nd ! )re!t ch!n)e h!d co/e o%er E"sie7 Her once "o%e"# s'in w!s now roo- !nd re!d#, so/e s!# it w!s th!t "!st +itter winter, others s!# it w!sn.t7 Her w!r/ s/i"e which /!de one -or)et her h!ir"i1 w!s now ! sic'"# )rin, +ut enou)h o- th!t7 Less !nd "ess"ess 1eo1"e c!/e to %isit E"sie es1eci!""# since O"d N!nn# h!d 1ut the 1rice u17 The $r h!d 'ind"# de%ised ! sche/e where+# E"sie cou"d c!"" -or !n#thin) she w!nted7 It w!s ! 1ri/iti%e !--!ir, +ut e--ecti%e : ?ust ! si/1"e /icro1hone tied into E"sie.s /outh7 This w!s !tt!ched to ! "ouder s1e!'er in the 'itchen7 O- course when O"d N!nn# w!s !w!# on ho"i: d!#, she wou"d turn the s1e!'er o--7 .No 1oint in her shoutin) i- I./ !w!#= she wou"d eH1"!in7

The #e!rs -"ew +# -or E"sie in her own +oH, sooner no th!n it w!s co/in) round to her twent#:-irst +ur"#7 .I ho1e I )et the 'e# o- the door. she thou)ht, -or)ettin) -or ! /o/e/t she w!s )ettin) the who"e house7 The 1"!ce w!s w!s cert!in"# in ! st!te o- !ntici1!tient on the e!r o- E"sie.s +irthd!-t, !nd O"d N!nn# ce"e+r!ted +# +rin)in) her into the house -or .! w!r/ +# the -ire. !s she 1ut it7 5n-ortun!te"# O"d N!nn# see/ed to 1"!ce +irthd!# E"sie too ne!r the +i) o"d -ire1"!ce !nd her +oH c!u)ht !"i)ht with E"sie sti"" wr!11ed -ir/"# inside "i'e her 5nc"e !s'ed7 .She didn=t e%en e!t her c!'e,. s!id O"d N!nn# te!r-u"h!/ to $r (not the) 4ern!rdo the neHt /ornin)7 .Ne%er /ind. he wr#"ed7 .we."" )i%e it io the do), he."" e!t !n#thin)7. With th!t the $r "e!1ed o%er !nd )!%e O"d N!nn# ! thorou)h eH!/in!tion on her +r!nd new c!r1et7 .2ou c!n.t h!%e #our c!'e !nd e!t it. s!id ! cheer-u" 1!#in) )uessed !ddin), .St!tistics st!te th!t 9CM o- /ore !ccidents !re c!used +# +urnin) chi"dren in the house7. OUR DAD It w!sn.t "on) +e-ore o"d d!d W!s cu/+erso/e : ! dr!)7 He see/ed to )et the /ess!)e !nd 4e)!n to 1!c' his +!)7 .2ou don.t w!nt /e !round,. he s!id, .I./ o"d !nd cri11"ed too7. We didn.t h!%e the he!rt to s!# .2ou.re +"ood# ri)ht it.s true7. He re!""# too' !n !)e !nd /ore To 1!c' his t!tt# '"eid7 We st!rted cou)hin) +# the door, To hurr# hi/ outside7 .I./ no use to /!n nor +e!st,. He s!id, his e#e !"" wet7 .Th!t.s wh# we.re )ettin) rid o- #ou, 2er stu1id +!st!rd, )et7. His wrin'Ied -!ce turned u1 to us * 1"e!din) in his "oo'F We )!%e hi/ h!"-:!:crown !1iece *nd 1o"ished u1 his hoo'7 .It.s not th!t we don.t "i'e #ou d!d7. Our e#es were downc!st down7 .We.%e tried to /!'e ! )o o- it

2er shri%e""ed "itt"e c"own> . *t "!st he -inished 1!c'in) !"", His iron h!nd !s we""7 He e%en 1!c'ed the 1enis Wh!t he.d won !t +!)!te""7 =S1ect #ou."" write ! "ine or two;. He whined : who cou"d resist; We he"d his -!ce +ene!th the "i)ht *nd wrote ! sho11in) "ist7 .(ood+#e /# sons !nd -!re thee we"", I +"!/e #er not #er see, It.s !"" #er /others doin) "!ds, She.s h!d it in -or /e7. .2ou "e!%e our /other out o- this>. We scre!/ed !"" -ur# r!)e, .*t "e!st she.s wor'in) -or her 'ee1 *nd ne!r"# twice #our !)e>. .I.d sooner st!r%e th!n +e ! whore>. The o"d /!n s!id, !"" hurt7 .I//or!" e!rnin)s !ren.t -or /e, !nd "i%in) o-- her dirt7. .She w!shes e%er#d!#,. we s!id To)ether, !"" !t once7 .It.s /ore th!n c!n +e s!id -or #ou 2er dirt# "itt"e 1once>. *t "!st u1on the dooiste1 -ront He turned !nd with ! w!%e He wished us !"" .(ood He!%ens. *nd ho1ed we.d !"" +eh!%e7 .The +est o- "uc' to #ou o"d d!d>. We s!id with s"i)ht re/orse, .2ou."" di) it in the wor'house /!n7. (He wou"dn.t thou)h o- course7) .*h we"" he.s )one !nd th!ts ! -!ct,. We /uttered !-ter "unch, *nd hurried to the roo/ in which He used to w!sh his hunch7 .We"" here.s ! +"essin) in dis)uiseF Not on"# /one# tooF He.s "e-t his 1ension +oo' !s we"" The s"i/# "itt"e ?ew>. .Wh!t "uc' we."" h!%e ! 1!rt# In%itin) !"" our -riend7 We.%e on"# one +ut she.s ! "!u)h She "ets us !"" !ttend7.

We ne%er he!rd -ro/ d!d !)!in I .s1ect we ne%er sh!"" 4ut he."" re/!in in !"" our he!rts : ! +udd# -riend !nd 1!"7 I BELIEVE, BOOT... */!n c!/e u1 to /e the other d!# !nd s!id : .Te"" /e %ic!r : te"" /e the de!-inition o- sin;. : !nd #ou 'now, I couIdn.t !nswer hi/> Which /!'es /e thin' : do #ou e%er wonder (!nd wh!t do we /e!n +# the word wonder;) wh!t !n ordin!r# /!n (!nd wh!t : I !s' /#se"- do we /e!n +# !n ordin!r# /!n;) who wor's in o--ice or -!ctor# : )oes to church ont Sund!# (wh!t eH!ct"# do we /e!n +# Sund!#;) who is !"so ! sinner (we !re !"" sinners)7 eo1"e !re !"w!#s co/in) u1 to /e !nd !s'in) : .Wh#, i(ri-- is so )ood !n+ !"/i)ht# : wh# does he +rin) such /iser# into the worId;. : !nd I c!n truth-u""# s!# St7*"- : ch K %erse J : 1!)e 97 .(ri-- w!"'s in such /#sterious w!#s His woodwor' to 1er-or/. (wh!t do we /e!n +# 1er-or/;) Which "e!ds /e ne!t"#, I -ee", to our neHt )uest -or toni)ht: * /!n who/ is stic'"e troddin) the 1!thw!# to our +e"o%e+ (ri-- : s"ow"# +ut s"ow"# I !/ here to he"1 with the +rid)es he /ust sure"# cross7: .We"co/e to our studios toni)ht 0r W!+oo+! (! -orei)ner). 0r W7 .He""ow #ou ,e% +o#7. ,e%7 We""> 0r Wo+oo+! : /!# I c!"" #ou Wo); Wh!t is the +!sic 1ro+"e/ #ou !re -!cin); (He s/i"es) 0r W7 .2ou> white tr!sh christi!n +o#7. (He !"so s/i"es) ,e%7 H/n> c!n #ou h!""ucin!te; (He co"ours) 0r W7 .I c!n7. (Co"ourin) too) ,e%7 We""; (He s/i"es) 0r W7 .Wot !h w!nt to 'now /!n : is wh# !"/i)ht# (ri-- con: tinoo!""# insists on str!i'in) /! -e""ow +"!c'1oo" inde -!#se;. ,e%7 * /!n tr!%e""in) on ! tr!in : "i'e #ou or I : to Scot"!nd, h!d two or two +!d e))s in his 1oc'et : !nd #ou 'now : no one wou"d sit +# hi/7 0r W7 .4ut !h dont see d!t #o. christshi17 *h /e!n, !h don.t see de re"e%ence7. ,e%7 .We"", W!+oo+! : "et /e 1ut it this w!#7 In (ri--.s e#e, we !re !"" ! +unch o- +!n!n!s : sw!#in) in the +ree8e : w!itin) !s it were, W!+oo+! : to +e 1ee"ed +# His )re!t !nd underst!ndin) "o%e : so/e o- the/

-!"" on ston#cro-t : !nd so/e -!"" on the w!istco!t7 0r W7 .We"" #o. worshi1, !h s!#s d!t i- de (ri-- don.t "!i'e de 1eo1"es in de wor"d st!r-in) !n. !"" d!t c.n #ou te"" /e wh# d!t de o1e h!%e !"" de/ rich ro+es!n. ?ewe"r# !n +i) house to "i%e : when /! 1eo1"e cou"d -it too tous!nd or /o. in d!t 6!tic!n H!"" : !nd !"so de *rch +itter oC!nter+u++"e : hi/ too>. ,e%7 *i don.t thin' th!t the *rch +isho-- wou"d "i'e to "i%e in the 6!tic!n with th!t /!n# 1eo1"e 0r W!+oo+! : +esides he.s C7 o- E7 0r W7 .*h don.t /e!n d!t #ou white tr!sh christ/!s i/1eri!": ist >. ,e%7 No one h!s e%er c!""ed 0E !n i/1eri!"ist +e-ore, 0r W!+oo+!7 (He s/i"es) 0r W7 .We"" !h h!%e7. (S/i"in) too) ,e%7 2ou cert!in"# h!%e 0r W!+oo+!7 (He turns other chin !nd "e!ns -orw!rd s"ow"# "oo'in) !t 0r W!+oo+! r!ther h!rd7 0r W!+oo+! "e!ns -orw!rd r!ther /ore Auic'"# !nd the# +oth 'iss7) 0r W7 .*h -or)i%e #ou in de n!/e o- &!tt# W!""er de )re!t s!%ious o- /! 1eo1"e7. (He s/i"es) ,e%7 *i too !/ c!1!+"e o- co/1!ssion de!r W!+oo+! : !nd in the n!/e o- the &!ther, Soc' !nd 0ic'# 0ost, I -or)i%e #ou sweet +rother7 (With th!t the# c"!s1 e!ch other,in ! +rother"# w!# !s i-or)ettin) the# !re sti"" on c!/er!7) ,e%7 H!%e #ou e%er +een to 4ri)hton de!r W!too+!; 0r W7 .*h ?es. )ot +!c' sweet christi!n -riend non de worse -or we!rin)7. (The# )et u1 )"!ss# e#ed !nd "in'in) !r/s s"ow"# w!"' out o- the studio to the %er# "e-t 1ro%in) th!t !r+itr!tion is one !nswer to de 1rod"e/7) &*$EO5TONS5IT*4LECH,ISTI*N C* TIONS THE EN$