The Douchebag Diaries 2011

A Hefty for Hefty

A quick little entry but a story worth sharing. And in all fairness this one may be viewed as being my fault for even going down the way that it did. Nonetheless, its worth a chuckle. o !itch"#illa was really on one this $articular night. % dont recall anything that led u$ to the main event other than her $lum$ ass had been fused to her com$uter chair for hours $laying &orld of &arcraft. &e had been arguing non"sto$ for the ma'ority of the day and % had finally reached my limit when she said something es$ecially douchie. %n most dysfunctional relationshi$s, it would have been the $oint where % threw something or 'ust curled u$ into the fetal $osition in the shower fully clothed, sobbing why me( for hours. !ut % thought % would try to in'ect a little humor into the situation instead of letting an endless argument kee$ building between us. Now to fully gras$ this one, you need to $icture the layout of her lair. )he beast sat, neigh oo#ed, into her chair like a hand full of *risco sitting on a warm sidewalk. )he entire length of the argument, she never broke eyesight from her com$uter monitor. he was a great multitasker, indeed. +rom the door, your view was of her side, which was basically like staring at a silhouette of huge $ile of dog shit. Her only

The Douchebag Diaries 2011 view of me was by her $eri$heral vision since, heaven forbid, she take her ga#e from that fucking game. ,robably for the better, though, since then %d have to actually stair the -edusa in the eye. %t may have 'ust been that turning her head would have made the stacks of chins choke her out like an obese anaconda. o now that you get the general idea of how things were laid out, we will get back to where % decided to be the decent $erson of the two and try to end the feud and lighten the mood. After a comical stroke of genius, % scam$ered off downstairs where % acquired two $ro$s for what would surely be the best, light"hearted 'oke she had been $rivy too in a very long time. % was surely smiling at the thought of the shared laughter she and % would both share as % headed back u$stairs. % arrived at her com$uter rooms doorway and stood there, 'ust outside the door, waiting for $robably a good minute before she finally turned to see what % was doing. .h, man/. Here comes the funny0 hes gonna crack u$ at this one0, was the thought running through my mind. he finally turns around far enough to see me standing there, straight"faced, head tilted slightly downward toward her. %n my

The Douchebag Diaries 2011 left hand is a 12"gallon garbage bag, in the right hand is a 32 inch knife that would have did any +riday the 31 th movie 'ustice. %t took about 3.45 seconds for the sco$e of the 6'oke to register with her. omehow my innocent little ha"ha moment between two lovebirds got strangely $erceived differently, though. Somehow 7and % 'ust dont get this8 she instantly 'um$ed to the strangest conclusion/ that % was there to kill her. 9eah, % dont get it either. Now unless theres ever been a show entitled &hen !ovine Attack on the National :eogra$hic channel, you would have never known that such girth could move so quickly. he s$rang from her chair like the fattest 'ack in the bo; you have ever seen. &here there should have been Ha ha, thats so damn funny0 were things like :et the fuck away from me0 and :et back0 and maybe a few random screams thrown in 'ust for good measure. About this time, the adrenaline $ushed $ast the cheeseburger grease in her veins and gives her a huge surge of fury. !efore % know it, a com$uter chair is being hurled through the air, with $retty damn good $recision % must say, toward me. Now %m starting to think that somehow shes not really getting the 'oke, so % toss the bag and knife into the hallway and out of her sight, while simultaneously shielding myself from a soaring

The Douchebag Diaries 2011 desk chair of course. he kee$s rambling on and on about something, $robably murder related, but its hard to tell from the screams. % give into the fact that she clearly isnt catching on to the 'oke so % $ut my em$tied hands in the air in front of me and s$end about the ne;t 45 minutes convincing her that %m not there to kill her and kissing her ass. )he story $retty much ends there but % think we should at least take a moment to analy#e this scenario. %f at any $oint, argument or otherwise, your significant other, whom you trust wholeheartedly, were to be standing in the doorway with a trash bag and knife in their hands, what would your res$onse be( Honestly, if it were me, % would $robably ask what are you doing( before % 'um$ immediately to the assum$tion that %m about to be gutted and bagged. <ont you think that you would have to know that you are such an incredible $iece of shit=asshole=douchebag, to even think someone would want to kill you( % guess what %m saying is that she surely must have known that she was such a massive cunt to me that %, a never before remotely violent man, would 'um$ straight into murder. %s it a fucked u$ 'oke( :uess it de$ends. % still say it was comedy gold.