CONVERSATION SKILLS

Table of Contents page

Introduction
Objectives "Conversation Skills 1
1. Conversation skill: "an explanation 2
1.1. The conversation 2
1.2 The basic skills
1.2.1 The conversation plan
1.2.2 !eadin" a conversation #
1.2.$ %ctin" assertivel& '
1.2. %ctive listenin" (
1.2.# )on verbal skills (
1.2.' *erbal skills (
1.2.( +valuate ,"ive and accept criticis- .
1.2.. /uidelines 0or "ivin" 0eedback 1
1.2.1 /uidelines 0or receivin" 0eedback 1
2. Checklist 12

INTRODUCTION
"% reader about conversation skill 3 4h&5 6hat 0or 3" It is onl& natural that people react in this
6a& 6hen the& see this docu-ent. Obviousl&: leadin" a conversation see-s eas&. +ver&bod&
does that several ti-es dail&.
7o6ever5 -an& conversations do not develop entirel& as desired. There -a& be
-isunderstandin"s or an undesired endin" o0 the conversation. Such thin"s cannot al6a&s be
avoided. 8ut a "ood preparation o0 a conversation can enhance the 9ualit& o0 a conversation.
This reader provides the support o0 this preparation. %lso points o0 attention are -entioned5
6hich are o0 i-portance durin" the conversation.
To this reader a checklist and a nu-ber o0 annexes are added5 6hich : 6e hope : 6ill enhance
the applicabilit& o0 the in0or-ation provided.
;rs. <./. %ltena
;rs. 4./. 8ekkerin"
Ir. =.=. van *eldhui>en
Translation: ?.<.!. Slot:!i-
@evised version: 8rian Tho-pson 2221
OBJECTIVES
/eneral:
The person can prepare and lead a conversation in such a 6a&5 that as 0ar as his part is
concerned5 the chances 0or success are opti-al.
Speci0ic
The person knows:
A the various fato!s" w#$# %ete!&$ne a conversation.
A the bas$ sk$lls 6hich support the preparation and leadin" o0 a conversation.
The person
A -akes a on'e!sat$on plan and uses the "iven "uidelines B1.2.1C
A 0ul0ils the role o0 on'e!sat$on lea%e! B1.2.2C
A uses the -entioned asse!t$'e sk$lls B1.2.$C
A uses the skill o0 at$'e l$sten$ng B1.2.C
A evaluates a conversationD -akin" use o0 the e'al(at$on sk$lls provided B1.2.#C
1
)* CONVERSATION SKILL: an e+planat$on
"Talking is creating confusion".
)obod& 6ants it5 nevertheless the above proverb has o0ten e-er"ed. !eadin" a conversation
that leads to a suitable conclusion o0ten proves to be di00icult. The e00ect o0 6ords can be
di00erent 0ro- 6hat 6as 0oreseen5 so con0usion and -isunderstandin" -a& result.
It is o0 i-portance5 to avoid such situations as -uch as possible in a culture as ours5 6here
conversations pla& a crucial role. Eor this reason this docu-ent pa&s attention to conversation
skills5 especiall& 0or business conversations. 4ith the help o0 these skills a conversation can
be care0ull& prepared and its "uidance and evaluation enhanced.
The reader deals 6ith the conversation in t6o parts. The 0irst part deals 6ith a nu-ber o0
aspects o0 "the conversation"5 the second part deals 6ith "the skills".
)*) T#e on'e!sat$on
% conversation al6a&s has an "oal. % speaker sends a -essa"e to so-eone else -akin" use
o0 a lan"ua"e. % spoken -essa"e is acco-panied b& "estures and expressions and a certain
bod& lan"ua"e. The co-bination o0 all this in0luences the 6a& in 6hich the -essa"e reaches
the conversation partner.
% speaker does not b& de0inition control 6hether the -essa"e reaches his conversation
partner. The partner and the situation pla& a role o0 "reat i-portance as 6ell. The 0ollo6in"
-odel su--ari>es the ele-ents 6hich are deter-inant in a conversation. These ele-ents 6ill
be explained brie0l& 6ith the help o0 the -odel.
Con'e!sat$on &o%el*
SETTINGS SITUATION
TFG+ OE @+!%TIO)
FOHI::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::J T7+ OT7+@
@+SH!T OE T7+ <++TI)/
SITUATION SETTINGS
2
, -o(
In the 0irst place: ever&one starts a conversation 6ith a personalit& and an i-a"e o0 hi-sel05 a
certain -ood5 an i-pression o0 the conversation partnerBsC and an esti-ate o0 the situation o0
the conversation. So-eoneKs 0ra-in" o0 a conversation is in0luenced b& the aspects
-entioned. Hncertain people 6ill al6a&s -ani0est the-selves co-pletel& di00erent 0ro- people
6ith a hi"h sel0:estee-. Hncertaint& -a& lead to an a""ressive attitude or to reticence. Geople
6ith a positive attitude approach a conversation partner di00erentl& than pessi-ists 6ho are
constantl& critical o0 so-ethin". 7ence: personalit& and -ood stron"l& in0luence the 6a&
so-eone leads a conversation.
, T#e ot#e!
The conversation partner starts a conversation 0ro- the sa-e initial situation5 brin"in" his o6n
sel0:i-a"e5 a certain -ood and an interpretation o0 the situation in 6hich the conversation
takes place. O0 course he additionall& has an i-a"e o0 the person 6ith 6ho- he has a
conversation.
It is al6a&s i-portant that one reali>es the situation o0 the conversation partner5 "the other"
-a& have sorro6s or -a& be irritated 0or certain reasons that have nothin" to do 6ith the
conversation.
%lread& the sole 0act that conversation:partners reali>e that "the other" is also in a certain
-ood and brin"s in his personalit&5 -a& lead to a less con0usin" conversation. It is 6orth the
e00ort to understand the situation o0 "the other"L
, T.pe of t#e !elat$ons#$p
In 0or-al conversations the t&pe o0 relationship bet6een the partners has a "reat in0luence. %n
e-plo&ee takes a di00erent attitude to6ards a -e-ber o0 -ana"e-ent than to6ards a
collea"ue. % business 6o-an speaks di00erentl& 6ith a client than 6ith her secretar&. The t&pe
o0 the relation in0luences the choice o0 6ords5 the openness and the attitude o0 the partners.
, Res(lt of t#e on'e!sat$on
+ver& conversation has an "oal and this result deter-ines the "tone"5 the settin" o0 the -usic.
The 0ollo6in" results can be distin"uished:
: business "oals B6ork conversation5 -eetin"s etc.C
: e-otional , relational "oals Bsharin" 0eelin"s5 0riendl& conversationsC
: convincin" "oals Bsales pro-otion5 in0luencin" conversationsC
, T#e s$t(at$on / t#e sett$ngs
The settin"s have "reat in0luence on the outco-e o0 a conversation. In a cos&5 nois& roo- it is
di00icult to keep a business conversation5 6hile a con0idential conversation is best held in a
9uiet and pleasin" settin"5 6here it is not possible 0or so-ebod& to bar"e in unannounced.
Geople are well p!epa!e% fo! on'e!sat$on i0 the& keep in -ind the ele-ents 6hich have
been discussed be0ore and 6hich deter-ine the conversation. 4ell:prepared persons kno6
ho6 the&
3
have react to such ele-ents and ho6 the& can turn the- to their o6n advanta"e. The& are
6ell a6are o0 the -an& in0luences on the pro"ress o0 the co--unication.
4
)*0 T#e bas$ sk$lls
Conversations5 especiall& business:like conversations5 6ill pass -ore satis0actoril& 6hen the
conversation partners kno6 a nu-ber o0 skills , skills thorou"hl&. 7erea0ter a nu-ber o0 the
skills 6ill be elaborated upon:
1. Greparin" a conversation plan.
2. !eadin" a conversation.
$. %ssertive speakin".
. %ctive listenin".
#. +valuatin".
So-e o0 these skills are o0 special i-portance to those 6ho pla& a leadin" role5 other skills are
o0 i-portance to all those 6ho participate in a conversation. O0 course here it is also true that a
conversation is based on -utualit&. This -eans that the skill o0 one partner in the conversation
is no "uarantee 0or a "ood result o0 a conversation. Onl& i0 ever&bod& keeps to certain
conversation rules is there a real chance o0 success.
1.2.1 Making a conversation plan*
% "ood preparation o0 the conversation is o0 "reat i-portance. %n "oal can onl& be reached i0
that "oal is clear and i0 one kno6s 6hich 0actors 6ill in0luence the result. It is there0ore
expedient that a person 6ho 6ants to reach an "oal in a conversation 6ith so-eone else5
-akes a conversation plan. This plan is based on an anal&sis o0 the ele-ents5 6hich
deter-ine the conversation. Such an anal&sis can be -ade b& posin" 9uestions to each o0 the
ele-ents:
The "I" : person
: 6h& should I have this conversation 3
The ans6er to this 9uestion indicates the "oal o0 the conversation. It is also "ood to
e-phasi>e the 6ord "I": are &ou the suitable person 0or the conversation in 9uestion 3
: do I 6ant to lead the conversation and a- I capable o0 doin" so 3
;o I have su00icient ti-e and opportunit& to lead this conversation and do I have the
in0or-ation3
: i0 not ... is there an alternative3
The other
: 6ho- is the -essa"e ai-ed at 3
: 6hat do I kno6 about the other person 3
Consider the points -entioned in para"raph 1.1 concernin" personalit&5 situation and
circu-stances o0 the conversation partnerBsC.
5
The t&pe o0 relationship
: 6hat is -& relationship to the other 3
: 6hat should be -& attitude 6ithin this relationship 3
The "oal
: 6hat is the t&pe o0 conversation I 6ant to have 3
% conversation -a& be ai-ed at solvin" a proble-5 providin" or obtainin" in0or-ation5
discussin" so-eoneKs 0unctionin". Or just personal. 4ith each t&pe o0 conversation a
certain approach and a certain attitude 0its.
: 6hat do I 6ant to achieve 6ith this conversation 3
See to it that the desired result is clear: one -ust kno6 the "oal to be achieved.
A sharin" in0or-ation
A persuasion
A behavioral chan"e
A co--it-ent
A etc.
: 6hich approach serves the "oal best 3
So-eti-es it is "ood in a conversation to take so-e ti-e be0ore co-in" "to the point"5
so-eti-es it is better to co-e to the point i--ediatel& to pass on the -essa"e. It is
"ood to consider this point be0ore the conversation.
The settin" , situation
: 6here should the conversation take place 3
: 6hich -o-ent is the -ost suitable 3
: 6hat other considerations -a& pla& a role 6ith re"ard to the subject 3
Einall&: it is use0ul to consider the 0ollo6in" ite-s5 be0ore the conversation takes place:
: ho6 6ill the conversation be evaluated 3
: should there be a report on this conversation5 and i0 so5 6ho 6ill be responsible 0or
reportin" 3
The ans6ers to the 0or-er 9uestions should be a "uide 0or the preparation o0 a conversation
plannin". O0 course5 not in ever& situation 6ill it be possible to prepare an anal&sis
be0orehand. 7o6ever5 -akin" a conversation plannin" is reco--endable in case o0 an
i-portant conversation.
6
1.2.2 Leading a conversation / Keeping the result in mind
The person 6ho pla&s the role o0 conversation leader5 has the task to see to it that the
conversation develops in such direction that the "oal 6ill be reached. It is o0 i-portance to pa&
attention to the 0ollo6in" points Bsee also reader "Gresentation"C:
%. "The head" : the 6elco-e ritual
: do not co-e i--ediatel& to the point5 but take so-e ti-e 0or "reetin"s and a
0e6 in0or-al re-arks. %djust to the other and create a suitable at-osphere.
: indicate clearl& the "oal o0 the conversation: 6h& are 6e here3
8. "The bod&" : the deepenin"
: "et to the point
: protect the pro"ress o0 the conversation5 avoid stra&in" 0ro- the subject.
: su--ari>e bet6een ti-es and round o00 subjects correctl& be0ore enterin" a
ne6 conversation subject.
C. "The tail" : the roundin" o00 ritual
: indicate 6hether the result has been reached
: indicate 6hether additional conversations are needed.
: close o00 o00iciall& B6ord o0 thanksC
: 0are6ell to partners 6ith handshake5 in0or-al re-arks5 etc.
1.2.3 Acting assertively / Take care of yourself.
4ith assertive speakin" and actin" a t&pe o0 expression is -eant5 6hereb& so-eone takes
care o0 his o6n interests 6ithout i"norin" the interests o0 the other. It -a& concern personal
0eelin"s5 the personal interest or "oals. Openness and honest& are i-portant characteristics.
%ssertivit& also -eans: be open 0or the thou"hts and 0eelin"s o0 the other.
%ssertivit& can be expressed verball& Bverbal si"nalsC and non:verball& Bnon:verbal si"nalsC.
Thereb& the 0ollo6in" attention points should be taken into account:
non verbal
: take care o0 e&e contact5 do not look do6n.
: sit up:ri"ht5 but bend &our upper bod& ever& no6 and then to6ards &our
conversation partner.
: create an at-osphere o0 openness: a s-ile5 ar-s un0olded and open hands.
: see to it that non:verbal and verbal si"nals are in vision.
verbal , "I:-essa"es"
: speak short and concise.
: speak 0or &oursel0 b& usin" the 6ord I as subject:
not: " &ou 0eel bad i0 &ou 0ail"
b(t: "I 0eel bad i0 I 0ail".
not: " it is sensible to ...."
b(t: " I think it is sensible to ..."
7
not: "&ou deal 6ith -e in an unpleasant 6a& ..."
b(t: "I 0eel that &ou deal 6ith -e in an unpleasant 6a&..."
not: "it could be done in this 6a&"
b(t: "I 6ant &ou to do it this 6a&"
Ero- research it has been 0ound that this t&pe o0 "I" -essa"es can take a6a& estran"e-ent5
distrust and con0licts bet6een people5 because the "I" does not hide but is clear about hi-sel0.
This active,actin" assertivel& should o0 course be acco-panied b& the skill o0 active listenin"
to 0eelin"s and intentions o0 the other.
1.2. Active listening / Taking care of the other1
%ctive listenin" -ust encoura"e the partner to tell his stor& in such a 6a& that it is understood.
The basis o0 active listenin" is: to treat the other 6ith respect and take an open and honest
attitude. I0 this attitude is accepted5 the 0ollo6in" technical "tips" can enhance an active
listenin" attitude:
4hat an "active listener" should not do is:
: to chan"e the subject
: to disa"ree5 to critici>e
: start a conversation B&es but.....C.
: too -an& closed 9uestions5 to 6hich the other can ans6er onl& 6ith "&es" or
"no".
One -a& sho6 active listenin"5 partl& b& non:verbal si"nals5 partl& b& certain 9uestionin"
skills. The 0ollo6in" is o0 i-portance:
1.2.! non ver"al / attention paying attitude
bo%. post(!e: : at proper distance5 at 12 de"ree an"le.
: bo6in" sli"htl& to6ard the other.
: open5 relaxed attitude.
e.e ontat: : -ake re"ular e&e contact.
: never stare L
follow att$t(%e: : nod understandin"l&.
: use Ms-allN 6ords like hu-...5 &es... 3
: donKt be a0raid o0 short periods o0 silence.
: invite to "o on b& usin" Msi"nalsN.
a!ef(lness: : take care o0 "ood settin"s
: -ake co00ee,tea available
: avoid interruptions b& third parties or the telephone
1.2.# ver"al / $uestioning skills
8
Gosin" "ood 9uestions is ver& i-portant in a conversation. 4ron" 9uestions -a& result in
closin":up o0 the other5 "ood 9uestions5 on the other hand5 -a& invite 0urther talkin".
% 0e6 basic skills are o0 i-portance 0or "ood 9uestionin". Take special care o0 the 0ollo6in":
: open 1(est$ons
Open 9uestions invite the other to extensive ans6erin". Open 9uestions -a&
start 6ith: "please tell -e ho6... 3" or "ho6 is ..3" or "6hat happened 6ith ..3"
: (se t#e 2 3s
The ' 4s are the 9uestion 6ords 6ho5 6hat5 6here5 6hen5 6hich 6a&5 6h& 3
Ouestions startin" 6ith one o0 these 6ords are open 9uestions 6hich sti-ulate
speakin"5 so deeper ans6erin" o0 9uestions -a& occur. %nother invitation to
0urther in0or-ation is a 9uestion like: "4hat do &ou -ean ..3
: o!%e!$ng an% s(&&a!$4e
%n active listener tries to check 6ith 9uestions 6hether he understood the other
properl&. 7e -a& use a 9uestion like: " ;id I understand &ou properl& 6hen I
su--ari>e &our 6ords as 0ollo6s ....3 " or "%- I ri"ht i0 I understand the
0ollo6in" points 0ro- &our stor& ....." I0 the listener puts such 9uestions5 he "ives
the speaker the opportunit& to "ive additional in0or-ation or correction.
, 'o$e feel$ngs" op$n$ons an% w$s#es of t#e ot#e! $n an open wa.
It is o0 i-portance that the listener discovers BhiddenC e-otions and needs in
the stor& o0 the other. The listener -ust thereb& pa& attention to verbal and
non:verbal si"nals. The listener -ust be capable to identi0& 6ith the situation o0
the other. The active listener can : 6ith the re9uired respect : continue askin"
0or "oals and 0eelin"s b& usin" 9uestions like: "Fou actuall& 6anted to
sa& ......3" or "...that 6ill not leave &ou indi00erentl& ..."
1.2.% &valuate / 'ive and accept criticism
So 0ar basic skills 0or conversations have been dealt 6ith. These can be used in ever&
conversation situation. One thin" still has to be added: evaluation. O0ten evaluation at the end
o0 a conversation is 0or"otten. It -a&5 ho6ever5 be extre-el& use0ul to take so-e ti-e 0or
evaluation and thus in preparin" a conversation5 plan 0or a short su--ar& and evaluation.
4hat has to be included in the evaluation and 6hich skills are re9uired3
% proper evaluation co-pares the result o0 a conversation 6ith its initial "oals and
expectations. %n evaluation o0ten "oes 0urther than the conversation itsel0. %t-osphere5
i-pressions le0t behind 0ro- one on the other5 the attitude o0 the partners5 etc. are also o0ten
taken into account. This skill o0 evaluation is also applicable to other situations such as
-eetin"s5 presentation and tea-6ork.
%n evaluation in "eneral -ust lead to:
: clarit& about "oals and 6ishes 0ro- both sides.
: clarit& about the Beventuall& un:ai-ed 0orC -utual e00ects.
: clarit& about the re9uired chan"es.
: lookin" 0or re9uired solutions , proble- solvin" actions
9
+valuation is so-eti-es 0elt as so-e6hat threatenin" because it is considered as a test 0or
so-eoneKs resilience. That o0 course is not necessar&. +valuations -ust include also the
positive ite-s. 7o6ever criticis- -ust not be excluded. It is an art to handle g$'$ng and
!ee$'$ng criticis-s 6ithin an evaluation in a proper 6a&. The 0ollo6in" "uidelines can be
used:
1.2.( 'uidelines for giving criticism / feed"ack in evaluation)
: speak 0ro- a basic respect 0or the other.
: speak 6ith the partners onl& in a suitable place.
: evaluate 9uickl& a0ter the conversation.
: speak about one ite- at a ti-e.
: describe conduct in a concrete 6a&
: not "character": "Fou are..L"
: not interpretative: "Fou 6ant ..L"
: use "I -essa"es" Bsee 1.2.$C
: -ention &our o6n part in the conversation: 6hat is &our o6n responsibilit&3
: state clearl& 6hat &ou had expected and 6hat5 in &our opinion 6as the result
o0 the conversation.
: 6atch care0ull& ho6 the other reacts: does he understand 6hat &ou -ean3
: "ive criticis- in a positive 6a&: look 0or solutions 0or proble-s5 do not sta&
6ith disapprovals onl&.
!istenin" to criticis- is o0ten -ore di00icult than "ivin" criticis-. <an& people5 6hile listenin" to
criticis-5 take a de0ensive attitude. This -a& be in the 0or- o0 ne"atin"5 den&in"5 start counter
attackin"5 justi0&in" the critici>ed ite-. Such reactions are seldo- positive and should be
avoided as -uch as possible.
1.2.* 'uidelines for receiving feed"ack / criticism in evaluation.
: active listenin": tr& to identi0& Bsee also 1.2.C
: continue 9uestionin": 6hat , 6hen , ho6.
: reco"ni>e the ri"ht o0 the other to "ive criticis-.
: re-ain assertive
: think and act in a proble- solvin" 6a&
: ask ti-e to di"est.
% nu-ber o0 aspects al6a&s return such as: -utual respect5 openness about o6n 6ishes and
intention to solve proble-s Bsee reader Groble- solvin"C. I0 this is reali>ed a proper basis 0or
evaluation is set.
10
0* C5ECKLIST CONVERSATION SKILL
CONVERSATION 6LAN Fes <ore
or
less
)o
1. The conversation leader is the ri"ht person 0or this conversation.
2. Su00icient attention has been paid to the other person.
$. The conversation leader kno6s the t&pe o0 relationship.
. The "oal is clear and the path to 0ollo6 is outlined.
#. %s 0ar as possible5 ti-e5 place and situation are5 suitable.
'. % 0ollo6:up has been thou"ht o0.
LEADERS5I6
(. There is a K"reetin" ritualK.
.. The "oal o0 the conversation has been clari0ied.
1. %t a suitable -o-ent the conversation leader Kco-es to the pointK
12. The develop-ent o0 the conversation is "uided Btask and sphereC
11. The "oal o0 the conversation is -entioned a"ain.
12. There is a roundin":up ritual.
ACTIVE S6EAKIN7
1$. The conversation leader is clear5 open and direct
1. 7e sits upri"ht5 -akes e&e:contact
1#. 7e speaks 6ith consideration
1'. Opinions5 0eelin"s and 6ishes are expressed as KI -essa"esK
1(. @espect is sho6n 0or the 0eelin"s5 opinions and 6ishes o0 the
other.
ACTIVE LISTENIN7
1.. There is an active listenin" attitude Be&e:contact,bod&C.
11. There is understandin" noddin"5 hu-.. and -o-ents o0 silence are used.
22. ;irect and open 9uestions are posed.
21. Ouestion 6ord are used B6hat5 6here5 6hen5 6ho5 6h&5 ho6C.
22. The conversation leader classi0ies and su--ari>es.
2$. Eeelin"s5 6ishes5 opinions o0 the other are openl& voiced.
2. The conversation leader sho6s a sti-ulatin" and listenin" attitude.
EVALUATION
2#. Conversation leader evaluates and steers the conversation.
2'. 7e is open 0or criticis-.
2(. Criticis- is expressed 6ith care.
2.. The approach is positive and directed to6ards proble-:solvin".
3AS T5E CONVERSATION E88ECTIVE / 3AS T5E LEADERS5I6 7OOD9
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