Aperture Science: A History

1953 Aperture Science begins operations as a manufacturer of shower curtains. Early product line
provides a very low-tech portal between the inside and outside of your shower. Very little science is
actually involved. The name is chosen to make the curtains appear more hygienic.
1956 Eisenhower administration awards Aperture a contract to provide shower curtains to all branches
of the military ecept the !avy.
1957 - 1973 "ostly shower curtains.
1974 Aperture #ounder and $E%& $ave 'ohnson& is eposed to mercury while secretly developing a
dangerous mercury-in(ected rubber sheeting from which he plans to manufacture seven deadly shower
curtains to be given as gifts to each member of the )ouse !aval Appropriations committee.
1976 *oth of $ave 'ohnson+s kidneys fail. *rain damaged& dying& and incapable of being convinced
that time is not now flowing backwards& 'ohnson lays out a three-tier ,-. program. The results& he
says& will /guarantee the continued success of Aperture Science far into the fast-approaching distant
past.0
1. The )eimlich $ounter-"aneuver A reliable techni2ue for interrupting the life-saving )eimlich
"aneuver.
3. The Take-A-4ish #oundation A charitable organi5ation that will purchase wishes from the
parents of terminally ill children and redistribute them to wish-deprived but otherwise healthy
adults.
6. /Some kind of rip in the fabric of space7that would7well& it+d be like& 8 don+t know& something
that would help with the shower curtains 8 guess. 8 haven+t worked this idea out as much as the
wish-taking one.0
1981 .iligent Aperture engineers complete the )eimlich $ounter-"aneuver and Take-A-4ish
#oundation initiatives. The company announces products related to the research in a lavish& televised
ceremony. These products immediately become wildly unpopular. After a very public string of choking
and despondent sick child disasters& senior company officials are summoned before a Senate
investigative committee. .uring these proceedings& an engineer mentions that some progress has been
made on 9Tier 69& the /man-si5ed ad hoc 2uantum tunnel through physical space with possible
applications as a shower curtain.0 The committee is 2uickly and permanently recessed& and Aperture is
granted an open-ended contract to continue research on the /:ortal0 and 9)eimlich $ounter-"aneuver9
pro(ects in secret.
1981-1985 4ork progresses on the /:ortal0 pro(ect. Several high ranking #atah personnel choke to
death on lamb chunks despite the intervention of their bodyguards.
1986 4ord reaches Aperture management that another defense contractor called *lack "esa is
working on a similar portal technology. 8n response to this news& Aperture begins developing the ;enetic
<ifeform and .isk %perating System =;<a.%S>& an artificially intelligent research assistant and disk
operating system.
1996 After a decade spent bringing the disk operating parts of ;<a.%S to a state of more or less
basic functionality& work begins on the ;enetic <ifeform component.
1998 The untested A8 is activated for the first time as one of the planned activities on Aperture+s first
annual bring-your-daughter-to-work day. 8n many ways& the initial test goes well? 4ithin one picosecond
of being switched on& ;<a.%S becomes self-aware. The 9going well9 phase lasts for two more
picoseconds& at which point ;<a.%S takes control of the facility& locks everyone inside& and begins a
permanent cycle of testing. )er goal? beat the hated *lack "esa in the race to develop a functioning
portal technology. .ays later& that race is lost when *lack "esa successfully deploys an
interdimensional gate through which an alien race emerges and effectively ends the outside world.
The Three Pillars of Aperture Science accor!in" to #a$e %ohnson&
:illar one? Science without results is (ust witchcraft.
:illar two? ;et results or you@re fired.
:illar three? if you suspect a coworker of bein@ a witch& report them immediately. 8 cannot stress that
enough. 4itchcraft will not be tolerated.
#'()*+,(T*A-
%ctober 1Ath& 1BAC
,e? )uman Enrichment - Testing 8nitiative& ,esource Ac2uisitions
1. 9<ow ,isk9 )uman ,esource Ac2uisitions
a. )oboes and Tramps
<ives spent wandering aimlessly& cowering before authority& and drinking concussive amounts of home-
distilled potato alcohol make hoboes the perfect )uman Enrichment test sub(ects. The hobo 2uestions
nothing& will follow orders if fed& and& like all hoboes& has a restless& wandering heart. =!ote? The
wandering heart of the hobo should not be confused with .rifting )eart Syndrome& which several
transients contracted during testing.>
b. $hild %rphans and #oundlings
.eep-rooted abandonment issues leave most orphans highly susceptible to shame-based psychology
=for a complete list of opportune moments to obliterate the esteem of test sub(ects& please consult
Training Video DEB-.& 9Fou@d :erform This Test *etter if Fou )ad :arents9>. ,ecent advances in the use
of scorn& flattery used in an ironic contet and naked contempt as motivational tools have yielded
similarly profitable results.
c. :sychiatric :atients
:ast eperience shows these fellows are simply not shy at all about carrying on& disrupting tests and
defecating (ust about anywhere that pleases them. #rankly& it is off-putting& and small wonder why
Aperture-brand mental institutions are being phased out in favor of more orphanages.
d. Seniors
#rail& brittle hands make holding science devices difficult. "ost were born before the advent of science&
and can become confused and disoriented when asked to participate in relatively simple tests
=teleportation& invisibility& ad(usting esteem levels of orphan children>.
D
fin