Dawn at Midnight

Part 1: Transmigration : Chapter 1: Princess in an ivory cage
Mita, what are you going to buy for this Puja? Teesta asked me.
I shook my head Nothing, dear. Whatever ChotoMa will buy for me, I
will
wear.
You are terrible Teesta laughed at me, playfully slapped my cheeks.
I squeezed my nose and looked at her---Why? What dress are you
going to wear this Puja?
She whispered in my ears---If my new boyfriend allows me to wear
any thing then only I could wear dresses.
I winked at her and asked---Hmmmm. Naughty girl. Who is this new
guy?
She winked at me---Why? Are you going to steal him from me?
I shook my head and laughed at her No Teesta. Keep yours inside
wherever you want.
She whispered in my ears again, voice filled up with mischief---Let
me
taste
him
first
and
then
you
can
have
him.
I slapped her softly---Jah! Why should I taste the leftovers?
She gave a queer look at me and asked---Why? Have you found
someone?
I shook my head and laughed at her---Naah! Re Baba. I dont have
that luxury. My Babu and ChotoMa will kill me, if they come to know.
It was Friday; I was waiting for the bus at the College Street busstand. Just came out of Presidency College to travel back home. I was
in my usual dress, in my usual cotton salwar suit. The jute bag
containing my books and notebooks were on my left shoulder. I was
frequently looking on my left wrist, the titan watch. I was probably
getting late for my home. I could feel prying eyes of those passers-by
looking at me as I waited there. I wrapped the dupatta all over my
upper torso and clasped the jute bag on my chest to hide my treasures
from
those
prying
lewd
eyes
of
the
onlookers.
It was strict order from my Babu and ChotoMa to return to home
before the night fall.
ChotoMa was actually my distant cousin sister Ulupi Di. Although she
was my cousin sister but she was about the age of my mom. I called
her Choto Ma (younger mother) because during my childhood days she
breastfed me when my father died and my mom always cried. She
took me in her arms and gave me warmth in the cold night, sang me
lullaby while I slept peacefully on her lap. My life was in debt to her. I
addressed my brother-in-law as Babu (pet name for a father). I never
knew the love of my father. My father passed away when I was only
two and half years old, so I tried to wring every tiny drop of affection
whatever Babu showered on me.
During my youngest brother, Subrotos marriage, ChotoMa was invited
to my home so that I could pursue M.Sc. and due to her I was then
standing
at
that
bus-stand
waiting
for
my
bus.
I got admitted in Presidency College in the beginning of September
2001, after the results of B.Sc was declared. ChotoMa and Babu tried
hard for my admission in Presidency College for my M.Sc. and I got
admission with my major in Nuclear Physics.
I knew it very well that that Puja Vacation would be the most painful
among the past twenty-five Durga Pujas that I had enjoyed till then.
Everywhere the air was filled up with vibrant ambience of Puja
Vacation. Durga Puja was to come in October. People were roaming on

the streets buying new dresses for themselves and for their near and
dear ones. The sky was cobalt blue with tuft of white clouds floating
around. The weather was pleasant as the monsoon left Kolkata just
few weeks back. The aroma of the Puja was drowning the air around
me.
I stood silently waiting for my bus and Teesta was talking with
someone on her cell-phone. I didnt have that luxury of having a cellphone then. The bus arrived at last and we boarded.
We all had spare keys except ChotoMa as she used to arrive late. As I
entered my house, I found Babu was reading the newspaper in his
room. Babu retired last month from Airport Authority of India,
DumDum Airport. He was Senior Manager in his organization the time
he retired. He was very strict and disciplined and he tried to maintain
that very discipline also at home.
Babu asked me in his usual deep tone---ShonaMa; how was your
college today?
I answered quietly ---It was ok Babu. I was unable to get the bus in
time, all were very crowded coming from Howrah station.
He asked for a cup of tea ---ShonaMa, can you please make a cup of
tea for me?
---Ok Babu.
Chapter 1: Princess in an ivory cage (# 2)
That was everydays question from Babu. Every day I came home after
college I had to answer the same question. At times he used to call me
as ShonaMa (golden girl) also. But that name was called by him only
when he was in good mood.
I changed my dress to my usual cotton dressing gown and walked into
the kitchen.
I took out the saucepan from the cupboard and poured water in that
saucepan.
The water was boiling and I was lost in my thoughts again. The water
vapours were flowing all over my face and my eyes were day dreaming
again.
All the colours from my life were gone by a small wrong move. Life
was like sixty-four squares of chess, thirty-two whites and thirty-two
blacks. A person once told me. I felt life-less as corpse after the most
beloved person of my life was taken away from me. That person was
banished from his own house. What was his fault? What did he do? He
loved me. He breathed soul in my life-less, colour-less life. Took me to
the mountains and played with me like a child. In winter nights, I felt
most secure in his arms. His only fault was that he loved me. He was
younger than me by two years and he was the son of ChotoMa.
Perhaps
no
one
would
understand
our
love.
He screamed his heart out, trying to pacify ChotoMa that age was not
a factor and neither had we had any blood relation. But it was the
prestige and snobbishness of my ChotoMa and the relatives that made
a guile wall of so called society and their responsibilities, around us.
They were very much protective about me. The room on the second
floor was locked away forever. I was not even allowed to goto the roof.
Every small traces of him were erased away from the walls, from the
ceiling, from the doors and windows of that house. His old books were
sold away; his old clothes were given away to beggars or to the
utensil-vendors. No new person could tell that my ChotoMa had a son
in her life; everyone knew that I was their only daughter.
ChotoMa took away the cream shawl from me after he left. The only
trace that I kept secretly along with me was his brown diary. It was
my Bible, my Koran and my Gita. There is an old saying that It
is always dark, just under the lamp. so I covered that diary with a
brown paper and kept that along with other books in my bookshelf. I
marked that diary as Optics Notebook. Optics was his favourite
paper.
After he left the house no one talked about him. I was asked to keep
my door open even during night. Probably ChotoMa thought that I
could have harmed myself somehow. I was a small town girl; I didnt
have that courage or stupidity to take my life. I accepted my fate and
tried to live like a corpse then.
I could not even cry properly. Every time there was a pair of prying
eyes hovering on me. The only time I was left alone was in the
bathroom. Several thousands of time I banged my head on the mirror
and tried to break that mirror so that somehow the glass pierce in my
head and my life comes to an abrupt untimely end. Alas! The mirror
was also not in my favour.
Just then Babu called me again ---ShonaMa is the tea ready? I have
to goto market.
I answered from the kitchen, while pouring one teaspoon of tea in that
boiling water.
---Just a minute Babu; almost done.
Probably a drop of my tear also got mixed in that saucepan of boiling
water. I wiped my nose and my face with the back of my hand and
filtered the tea in a cup.
I walked to his room and kept the cup on his table. Babu was still
reading the newspaper.
Without even looking at me he said to me---Tomorrow your ChotoMa
will take you for shopping to ShaymBazar for Puja. What do you want
this time?
I scratched the side of the table with my long finger nails and stood
silently.
He looked at me; my long eyelashes were still deluged probably. He
clenched
his
jaws
and
got
up
from
his
chair.
I will goto market only after your ChotoMa arrives. I think that will be
better.
His
voice
sounded
stone
cold
in
my
ears.
He walked out to the drawing room and switched on the TV.
He handed me the newspaper and said---If you dont have to do
anything now then read The Statesman. This will make your English
vocabulary strong.
Just then the doorbell ranged, I climbed down the stairs to open the
door. It was time for ChotoMa to arrive from her school.
Yes I was right; it was ChotoMa standing at the door. She looked at
me and nudged my chin.
---How
is
my
Paree
today?
Your
I had to give a faint smile as she walked in.
college
was
fine.

While climbing up the stairs she asked me---Where is your Babu?
I answered---He is in the drawing room watching TV and sipping tea.
There was a tone of anger in her voice ---I asked him to goto market.
There are no vegetables in the freeze; still he is sipping the tea. What
has happened to this old man?
I had nothing to answer, so I walked into my room silently. I lay on
the bed and pulled a bedcover over me. My heart raced again to the
thoughts of those beautiful past and my vision got dampened. I bit my
right finger so as to suppress my spasms overflowing my heart.
ChotoMa came into my room---Why are you lying on bed at this time?
Dont lie down in the evening.
My chest cried out Cant I have some time alone with myself,
ChotoMa? But I could not speak those words. Those words remained
inside me forever, no one heard that.
I wiped my face and went into bathroom to wash my face.
During the dinner, ChotoMa said to me that she would take me for
shopping the other day. I was not at all interested. Why should I buy
new clothes? For whom should I wear new dresses? Who was there to
praise me? There was no meaning left in my life for joy.
Babu asked---Paree what happened? You are so quiet today?
I shook my head to tell them that nothing had happened and I was ok.
But was I really ok? Was I really fine, with what had happened. Who
knew that the rupture in my heart will not heal and was broken into
thousands of pieces?
I went into the bathroom to fresh up myself, applied the apricot facewash on my cheeks. I looked at my cheeks, the rosy tint was gone.
There was a pale look on my face. I brushed my teeth. I looked at my
lips; it was rosy but was that really rosy? No it was pale yellow. Was I
having jaundice? No it was not due to jaundice. All colours of my life
were washed away. The rosy cheeks, red lips, big black eyes. Every
colour was gone from my life.
Before retiring to my room, ChotoMa reminded me again---Dont lock
the door from inside.
I lay on the huge bed alone and closed my eyes. I could not sleep for a
long time. Before he went away he ignited a fire inside my heart and
that fire used to haunt me every night. I unhooked my inner wear
from my bust and pressed the pillow hard on my chest. I bit the soft
pillow between my teeth and cried and cried and cried. The dark night
haunted me. The branches of the trees swayed near my windows.
They used to beckon me as a pair of evil hands. Most of the nights his
memoirs kept me writhe in pain and I spent numerous sleepless nights
just by counting the stars in the sky.
Next day morning ChotoMa and I went for shopping at ShaymBazar.
She asked me to buy whatever I liked. I had to put a veil on my heart

and always kept a smile on my face.
She bought two very beautiful salwars for me, one was of yellow and
red and the other was of turquoise blue. She bought a white and
brown coloured Zamdani saree for herself. She asked me to buy some
expensive saree. She asked the shopkeeper to show us lots of
varieties and at last I choose a Kantha-Stich saree. A cream coloured
china-silk with Kantha-Stich all over that saree. The thick border
attracted me very much. It was decorated with lots of elephants and
lotus all weaved in threads.
ChotoMa then took me to BowBazar for buying ornaments.
She nudged my chin with her fingers---I had to prepare for my
Parees wedding from now on.
I smiled faintly at her.
On seeing my smile she patted softly on my cheeks---My sweet
daughter. Keep that smile on your face always. You have grown up
now.
I said to her---Can we go home today? I dont want to buy any gold
ornaments now, please.
She nodded her head---Hmmmm.. Ok but next time we had to buy
something. This is the second time we came to buy something but
returning empty handed.
Yes, it was the second time we were returning empty handed. First
time he was with us and we came for shopping. That day he made me
buy jeans and t-shirt. But that was a different situation.
One day I asked Babu for a cell-phone. He gave a queer look and
asked Why do you want that?
I said---All my friends have cell-phone, only I dont have.
He looked at me for sometime---If I give you cell-phone then you will
chat with your friends all the time.
I pleaded to him like a small child---Please, please, please Babu. I
promise
you
that
I
will
not
chat
for
long
hours.
He smiled at me---Ok. Let your ChotoMa come then I and you will
goto shop and you can choose. He cautioned me Only four hundred
rupees recharge for a month, not more than that.
I threw my arms around Babus neck---My Sweet Babu. Do you want
a cup of tea?
He smiled at me affectionately---So ShonaMa is bribing me, right?
Sure, I would love to sip tea anytime if my ShonaMa gives.
In the evening, after ChotoMa arrived, Babu said her that I was asking
for a cell-phone and he had promised me that he would buy me one.
ChotoMa
asked
me---Why
do
you
want
a
cell-phone?
Babu answered on my behalf---Oh! Come on Ulupi. Paree is now
going to college and doing M.Sc. She has grown up. She is twenty-six
years old.
ChotoMa yelled at Babu---Thats the main problem. She is twenty-six
years old. Only a mother understands what happens when her

daughter
is
beautiful
and
young
and
unmarried.
She looked at me and said---You have to show me the call logs every
day.
I was furious on hearing that, I yelled at her---Cant I have some
liberty in my life?
Babu looked at me. His gaze pierced deep in my soul.
Again I heard his stone cold voice---There was enough liberty given
to you, Paree. Think what you have done with all those liberty.
I screamed my lungs out and slammed the door of my room behind
me---I dont want a cell-phone.
Few days before Mahalaya, starting of Durga Puja, I was watching the
TV in the drawing room.
Babu walked into the drawing room and asked me to sign a court
paper. I asked him as what was that. He told me that that paper was a
legal paper for legal guardianship.
He said---You mother has given the consent and she has signed the
papers.
I looked at him and then signed on the court paper. After that legally I
became the princess of the emperor and the empress.
My
days
were
gloom
and
nights
were
painful.
I lived a life of a beautiful princess locked in a beautiful ivory cage of
an emperor and empress. I got all the materialistic happiness
whatever I wanted. Good clothes, beautiful ornaments. Every morning
and evening they fed me with nuts and honey and several fine
delicacies. But I was still a pet scarlet princess imprisoned in a
beautiful ivory cage.
Chapter 2: A river named Teesta (#1)
Chapter 2: A river named Teesta
First day of my college, my heart was thumping like a huge drum
inside my chest as I entered the gate of Presidency College. Babu
came with me till the gate of the college on the first day. I asked few
students loitering along the corridor for the class room of M.Sc.
Physics. They showed me.
That day I wore a white long skirt with small blue dots all over and a
white frilled shirt with blue pinstripes. As usual I carried my black stole
along with me, wrapped around my neck. My jute bag was on my left
shoulder and my long tress was tied in a bun behind the back of my
head, softly caressing my nape and as I did in my college days, I had
a pen in my bun.
I felt few prying pair of eyes, caressed me all over as I walked into the
class room. I looked at those eyes and gave them sleek smile. As I
entered the class-room, I heard some male voice from the corridor--Oh! Guru. What a cut-piece, masterpiece.
Few heads turned towards me. I looked around the bunch of students.
Mostly were boys, few girls were there in the class. On the second
bench there was a wheatish complexioned girl. She was chatting with
few other fellow students sitting on the third bench. She looked at me
and smiled and signed me to come and sit beside her.
I quietly went and sat beside her.
She said to me---The way you entered the class, clearly suggest that
you
are
new
in
Kolkata.
Where
do
you
live?
I answered---DumDum.
She shook her head in disbelief---Oh! Come on. You are from
DumDum?
I smiled at her and nodded at her Yes.
She introduced herself as---I am Teesta Sarkar, from Lake Town and
you?
I
smiled
at
her
openness---I
am
Suchismita
Mondal.
---I
guessed
that.
Your
smile
is
really
beautiful.
Oh! My God, a girl was complimenting me. I turned pink in coy and
laughed at her.
---Dhaat Tereki. Have you gone mad?
She winked at me---Wanna bunk the first period and goto Coffee
House?
I shook my head saying that No, I want to attend the first period at
least.
She pointed at another girl sitting on the third bench, who was also
listening to our conversation.
---She
is
Delisha
Khatun,
from
Park
Circus.
Truly speaking, I didnt expect a Muslim Girl pursuing M.Sc. in Physics.
She was very fair. Rosy white in complexion, wore a dark blue salwar
and a black hijab covering her head.
I asked her---Do you have to wear this head-scarf always.
She waved her hand at me---Aree, Na, Yaar. Dad insisted, but my
mom resisted him, saying that I was old enough to take care of
myself.
Someone from behind the class shouted at us---Oh! Guru. Today, the
wooden bench will catch fire.
I looked over my shoulder as who spoke those words at us.
Teesta shouted at him---G****, keep your foul mouth shut. and
pointed her right middle finger at him.
She said to me---Dont look at him.
I gave a queer look at her as if asking Who was he?
---He is Debobroto, from my previous college. Anyways he is good in
Physics, mainly quantum mechanics.
I looked at the person named Debobroto. He was tall, dark with specs
on his eyes. Clean shaven, back brushed hair, squint eyes. Nose was
bit small. He sat with his arms outstretched resting on the bench
behind him. His arms were strong and muscular. I could feel his tough
chest muscles from the unbuttoned blue and white check shirt and
white vest.
I raised my right hand and waved my fingers at him, he smiled at me.
He pointed his right index finger and middle finger at me and signed
like shooting a pistol.
Teesta saw as what Debobroto did and she smiled at me---He killed
you on the first day, baby?
Somehow I smiled at her---I dont have the luxury of getting killed,
dear.
I said to myself I am already a corpse. Who can kill a person who is
already dead?
One day, during lunch break, we were walking towards Medical
College, myself, Teesta and Delisha. We were munching peanuts.
Debobroto came running towards us and tapped Teesta on her
shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and asked him---What
happened?
He asked Teesta---Can I come with you?
She gave a naughty look at him---Only if you pay for the Friday firstshow at Metro.
He slapped playfully on the back of her head and said to her---Why
what happened to Tathagato?
I asked Delisha---Who is Tathagato?
Delisha shrugged her shoulder and shook her head How do I know.
Debobroto said to me---Teesta had several boyfriends and Tathagato
is one of them. Am I right?
Teesta started slapping playfully on Debobrotos arms in the middle of
the road---You swine. Do you have to tell everything?
He laughed at her---Ok, ok. So he is past now. Who are you seeing
currently?
I
asked
Debobroto---How
many
boyfriends
do
Teesta
have?
He laughed at me on hearing my question---Hey Mita, if I start

counting
I
will
finish
only
in
the
morning.
Teesta screamed at him---If you dont stop now then I will kill you.
Debobroto winked at her---Give a kiss and I will surely die.
So
Teesta
had
several
boyfriends
I
asked
her.
Come on you dont start now, Mita Teesta pleaded at me.
Mita I then got a new name from my colleagues and friends. The
name Paree was lost after he went away. Only ChotoMa and Babu
used to call me by that name.
That day I was very much upset, due to Babus denial to buy me cellphone. I sat in the class room with a gloomy face. Teesta came near
me after the lunch break and asked me What happened to you?

I shook my head Nothing, I am fine.
She looked into my eyes and said---Dont try to hide from me. Tell
me what happened.
I gave a painful smile and said to her again---I am fine. Can we goto
Coffee House?
She pulled me out of the class room and looked at my face---Tell me
what has happened?
How could I tell her what was going inside my heart? I could not.
I had to lie---I am just feeling sad. I have not gone to my house in
village for a long time thats why.
She didnt know then, that ChotoMa and Babu was only my guardian.
She didnt know the truth. She was surprised to hear that---What,
your
father
and
mother
doesnt
live
in
DumDum?
---No. My native place is far away from Kolkata, in a village.
She took me to the coffee-house and we sat at one corner. I dreaded
to sit on the second floor. I looked up the ceiling; the huge fans were
rotating painfully. Last time I came here, he was with me and we sat
on
the
corner
table
on
the
second
floor.
The walls were calling me as if asking me Why I was alone this time?
We sat on the first-floor; she ordered fried chicken and cold coffee.
---You have not told me anything about yourself. Tell me everything.
I just want to hear who is actually Suchismita? What lies behind this
beautiful smile?
I told her that---Mainly I was upset because Babu didnt brought me
cell-phone.
She gave a queer look at me and said---That cant be the only
reason.
I told her most of the tale, only part I omitted was my relation with
him. I avoided that beautiful agonizing part. Why to bring pain in an
already painful mind by remembering those colourful days? Let those
days remain in a corner of my heart, forever. All those reminiscences
were like beautiful flowers. I didnt want to share my memoirs with
anyone.
We bunked rest of the periods.
She sat silently in-front of me and said to me---Your ChotoMa and
Babu are really very good person.
I smiled faintly at her---Yes they are. Only I knew that I was a pet
scarlet princess locked in an ivory cage.
It was one Tuesday, due to demise of a teacher there was a holiday in
college. I had to do nothing. I, Teesta and Delisha were loitering on
the
road,
leisurely
walking
towards
Hedua.
Delisha said that she would like to treat us.
I asked her the reason. She smiled coyly at us and said---Yesterday, I

and Danish got engaged.
Teesta laughed at her and said---Another bird fell in trap. Come on
where are we going?
I said---Peter Cat. Cheloo Kabab. Nothing less than that.
On hearing me, Delisha and Teesta gave a surprising look at me.
Both of them asked---How do you know about Peter Cat? You are a
real mischievous girl. I am sure you didnt go there alone. Who was
with you?
I smiled faintly at them and said---Naah baba, I went there with a
good friend of mine and her boyfriend.
The look that they gave at me clearly told me that they didnt believed
a single word of mine.
I laughed at their baffled face---Aree, I am telling the truth. No one
was
ever
for
me.
Not
in
my
college
days.
Yaar.
Yes that was actually a truth; no one ever courted me during my
college days. Whatever happened happened afterwards in past few
months.
Ok, ok. She looked at Delisha and smiled mischievously at her and
asked---Tell me how is Danish on bed?
Delisha was rosy white complexioned girl. On hearing Teestas naughty
query her face turned red.
Dhaat. And slapped playfully on her face Am not like you at least,
who has to taste every one before giving a final call.
I looked at Teesta and Delisha.
Delisha asked again---Are we going to Peter Cat?
Teesta answered---No, after a long time I have found few good
friends. Lets go to my house. Only my sister-in-law would be present.
Mom and dad have gone out and my brother is in his office. Lets us
enjoy.
We three girls boarded a taxi from College Street and were on our way
to Teestas house.
Teesta always loved to wear western outfits. Jeans and t-shirt were
her favourite dresses. At times she used to come in skirts also. Those
skirts were of knee length and she enjoyed the lewd look of the males,
grazing
on
her
waxed
calves
as
she
walked.
Delisha was just opposite, always in salwar. Only on the first day she
wore the hijab. After that day she never wore her hijab. But her
salwars were beautiful.
After that trip, I never wore my jeans. One day I wrapped my jeans
and the turquoise Lehenga in a polythene bag and threw all those in a
garbage dump outside the Medical College. Whats the use of wearing
such clothes if the person I loved most cant behold me?
All the way Teesta teased Delisha and asked her about Danish. They
two were fighting like two kittens. As I was in the middle, most of their
slaps
landed
on
my
arms,
chest
and
bosoms.
I screamed out at them---You two stop fighting or I will knock your
heads.
Delisha smiled at me and joked---Mita madam also becomes angry.
By the way, how old are you?
I told them that I turned twenty-six and my birthday just passed last
month. They were baffled as I was older than them.
Teesta---Dont
tell
me.
We
are
just
mere
child.
Delisha joked at me---If she would have married at right time, then
she would have a daughter of your age.
Mita Mata. Teesta joined her hands in front of me.
I
laughed
at
their
jokes
and
pranks.
Teestas house was of three stories. The ground floor was on rent. Her
brother and sister-in-law lived on the first floor and she stayed with
her parents on the second floor.
A lady in her mid twenties opened the door for us. Teesta hugged her
and kissed her cheek.
This is my sweet sister-in-law, BonaniDi. She introduced us with that
lady.
And
she
is
Suchismita
and
that
is
Delisha.
We entered her room in second floor. The first thing that I found was a
huge poster of Arnold Schwarzenegger on the wall just above her
reading table. The person stood on a cliff, muscles bulging out from
every possible anatomy; only black underwear covering his loin.
Delisha smiled at her---He comes to you during night?
She hissed at her on hearing her question---Ohhhhhh.. If he could
come out of this poster, I would give everything to him.
She looked at me and asked---Why are you standing like that? Dont
you feel jelly down there?
And she slapped on my plump bottoms.
I threw my bag on her bed and jumped on the bed.
I smiled naughtily at her---Why to make love with a poster?
Delisha asked---Hmmmm.. Means Mita is not as what she looks.
I yelled at them---Come on, dont you have any other topics to
discuss.
Teesta jumped on the bed over my back as I was lying on my tummy.
She put her arms beneath my armpits and nudged the side of my
bosoms. ---These jugs are not made in a day baby.
As her fingers caressed my soft bosoms I felt a tingling chill ran down
my spine. My face turned red and I turned over on my back. She fell
on the bed and laughed at me on seeing my red face.
She continued pointing at Delisha---See what Danish has done to
her. Delisha pulled Teestas shirt. Her shirt ripped open revealing her
supple firm bosoms, jostling inside her black innerwear.
She
screamed
out---Naughty
girl.
Wanna
have
fun?
She shook her bosoms, those soft mounds of flesh swayed over her
chest like two melons.
Delisha asked her---How many pairs of hand are there behind those
soft mounds baby?
Teesta looked at the ceiling and rubbed her soft bosoms with her right
palm.
---Oooooooo.. Till now .. Four pairs.
I exclaimed on hearing her---My Gosh! How you handle those.
I was feeling a tingling sensation all over me, on hearing those words
and all those playful touch we were enjoying among ourselves.
Teesta looked into my eyes---My baby is feeling something gurgling
inside her. Right baby?
Noooooo.. I screamed out, hiding my expression behind a naughty
smile.
Ok, ok Teesta started One was there during my class ten. We were
very childish then so nothing much happened except few hugs and
kisses. Oh! God I have even forgot his name. Then came Bikramjit
during my class twelve. The first touch was given by him.
Oooooooo.. I enjoyed the way he touched and kissed me all over.
Delisha was not much behind, expressing her feelings. She touched
the jeans clad crotch of Teesta and asked her---So this was tasted by
him.
Teesta enjoyed the fingers on her crotch---Naaaaa.. Dear. Now it is
you who is touching. He did not have the courage to go down my
belt. My head was spinning; all these frolicking city-girls were making
me mad. Delisha looked into my flashing eyes and smiled---Mita is
having something. Right Mita?
I screamed and laughed at them---You two are just unbearable.
Teesta, why dont you continue with your story?
She laughed at me and said---Only if you promise me that you are
going to tell me your story.
I shook my head---No, I dont have any.
Delisha exhaled a deep breath out of her heaving chest---This girl is
righteous. She has treasured her sanctity for the final person.
I smiled in my heart Did I keep my sanctity? I gave that to my
precious
already
and
I
dont
regret
for
that.
Teesta asked Delisha---Why dont you tell how is Danish?
Delisha yelled at her---Why, are you going to bed him also?
She gave an evil grin---I just want to compare, Baby.
Delisha squeezed her lips in a small o---Uhhhhh.. Dont make me
remember that day.
I was curious (Oh! shit what was happening to me) and asked her--What what?
She moaned out on remembering the scene when her cherry was
popped---No fore-skin, bulbous tip, hot as cannon, rigid as granite.
He just tore me apart as he invaded my cave. I felt as if that the tip
would come out of my head.
Teesta was grinning at her continuously---Yeah, thats what I love in
your males.
Delisha was astonished to hear that---What do you mean?
She gave another devilish grin at us---In my college, it was Aahil who
popped my cherry.
I could not stop grinning at her---So only Buddhist and Christians are
left or you have tasted them also?
No, no, Aahil was just a torrid affair. One day match. Teesta grinned
at me. She asked both of us---You two dont wear jeans. Do you?
We both shook our head saying that We dont wear.
---Ooops then you cant feel the sensation.
I asked her---What sensation?
---Come on. You two probably also wear your nether inner-wears
always.
Yes Delisha said to her and was looking at her aptly as what was she
going to explain.
Teesta closed her eyes and pressed her fingers on the juncture of her
limbs---The stitch of jeans, when it rubs on yours it feels
awesome. I always remain sweaty there, baby. Whenever I feel I can
sweat. Thats the beauty of jeans and its stitched fabric between my
legs. The coarse fabric rub all over the place, poke in the fissure and I
go jelly.
Teesta suddenly held the collars of my shirt and gave a hot smooch on
my lips. I was lying on my back and Teesta rested her bosoms on
mine, our supple pairs of soft mounds jostled and pushed over each
other. I could feel my pebbles were hot as iron marbles and hers were
poking hard on my soft flesh.
I went totally frenzy on her hot and wet playful actions. Delisha was
smiling mischievously as Teesta pushed her tongue inside my mouth
and sucked the air out of mine. I could not control myself and grabbed
the back of her head and pulled her more on my wanton lips.
For a fraction of second I thought as what was happening to me.
After sometime I pulled Teesta away from my face. We both were
panting hard due to our mutual lustful play. Her gaze was pouring hot
lava; a raunchy smile was smeared on her face and lips. I looked at
Delisha
who
was
enjoying
our
actions.
She smiled at us and said---I have to go a long way. You two bitch
can carry on.
I somehow sat on the bed and adjusted my shirt and skirt.
Teesta took my palms in her hand and pressed them gently---Sorry
Mita, I just got carried away.
I winked at her and said---Why sorry? and then whispered in her

ears I enjoyed.
She asked both of us to wait for some more time. But I was getting
late
as
Babu
would
be
waiting
for
my
return.
Before we left Teestas place, she said to us pointing to her chest--This hen has trapped a new cock. She walked with us till the bus
stand.
It was few days before the Puja Vacation. Teesta and I were standing
at the gate of college waiting for someone whom Teesta wanted to
meet me.
I asked her as who was the person.
She winked at me---That day I told you about my new boyfriend.
I asked her When have you told me?
She shook her head---Oh! Come on Mita. Just few days back, I asked
you as what you were going to buy for your Puja? Now do you
remember?
I nodded Oh! Yeah I remember.
A thin built guy, probably of twenty-six years I assumed approached
us and smiled at Teesta.
She
almost
ran
towards
him
and
holds
his
hand.
She pointed at me and said to him---She is Suchismita, my friend.
I joined my palms, to offer my regards. He laughed at me loudly---Oh
Come
on.
I
am
not
old
enough
to
be
an
uncle.
I smiled at him. He was in a dark brown pant and a white shirt with
blue pinstripes. He was handsome, bit taller than Teesta as she was an
inch shorter than me. His shoulders were broad but due to his thin
physique the shirt was loose one. I felt that as Teesta was bit on
voluptuous side, the pair was bit mismatched. But they were very
amorous pair. Their eyes told me everything. I smiled faintly at them
as that pair reminded my old days.
Teesta looked at me and introduced him---He is Tirthankar Sengupta.
He is pursuing PhD from Jadavpur University also in the same major as
yours.
I pulled Teesta towards me and whispered in her ears---This is not
the guy that, Debobroto was talking that day. Is he?
She gave an annoying look and signed me to keep silent Dont dare to
speak a word.
I understood everything and kept smiling at Tirthankar.
Teesta sweetly smiled at him and asked him---Tirtha, have you
brought your car today?
I asked her---He also have a car?
She whispered Yes. He is the only child and his father is very rich.
Tirthankar grazed his gaze from my head to toe, more than he looked
at his girlfriend. I felt very awkward due to the prying look in his eyes.
I told her---I am not going to disturb you two then. I will go home
Tirtha smiled at me---Come on. After a long time, I am meeting a
beautiful friend of Teesta. You are not the bone of contention.
Teesta pinched his right arm---Are you flirting with Mita? Dont ever
try to do that.
Some other day; Teesta. You know my Babu; he is waiting for the cup
of tea before he goes to market. I said to them.
I politely denied their invitation of going to The Scoop by the bank of
Ganges. I felt that Tirthankar was having something inside his chest
after he saw me. The look in his eyes didnt felt right to me. As a
woman we can adjudge the gaze of person in what sense they were
looking at us.
I looked at those amorous pairs as I was walked towards the busstand. Tirthankar waved his fingers at me, bid me good bye.
I was about to board the bus, just then out of nowhere I felt a tug on
my bun. As usual I used to keep a renyolds pen in my bun. The person
pulled the pen and my bun unfurled. I got very angry and was about
to bash that person. I looked over my shoulder only to find Debobroto
was laughing at me. I could not get angry on seeing his smiling face
and smiled back at him.
Who was that along with Teesta? he asked me.
I questioned him back---Why, were you eyeing Teesta?
He came near me and whispered in my ears---I was eyeing on her
from my graduation days. But that bitch was having an affair with a
Muslim boy.
I asked him---But that day you told name of another person. Who
was he?
---Oh! Tathagato Aahil just used her. Tathagato loved her.
---Where is he now?
She dumped him because at that time he could not afford her. After
graduation he went away to States on scholarship. Probably, she
regrets now for her decision. He laughed again and shook his head
That
bitch
will
not
stop
till
her
itching
is
doused.
That was my new friend Teesta Sarkar, just like a hilly river dancing
and enjoying her life on every turn and twist, till brim.
Chapter 3: Annapurna Immersion (#1)
Chapter 3: Annapurna Immersion
ShasankoDa applied for telephone at our native place. By then we had
telephone in our house in village. I was able to talk with my mom
every day.
He never called back or perhaps he called and ChotoMa and Babu
didnt give me the phone to talk to. One day I searched for Bannerjee
Uncles phone number in the telephone diary but could not get that. I
tried to contact Arundhuti, but I was unable to as she also didnt
contacted me. Why she didnt contact? ChotoMa asked me thousands

of queries about Arundhuti and him. I had to tell the truth as I loved
him. Definitely he might have sensed the same thing. Surely he had
sensed that and he didnt want that any type of threat should touch
me. So he might have cautioned Arundhuti not to contact me.
Probably Arundhuti called and she was denied the pleasure of speaking
to me. She was the only person to whom I could open my heart.
The day was two days after Mahalaya. On early morning, I was
brushing my teeth when the phone rang. Babu used to get up early
and goto market for buying fresh vegetables. He already returned and
was doing some work near the telephone. ChotoMa was in kitchen,
preparing the breakfast.
Babu picked up the phone and then he called ChotoMa. I heard faint
sound of their conversation.
Babu---Should we tell Paree?
ChotoMa---No not now. When she will reach home then let her know
from them only. I dont want my child to get sad just before Puja. If
possible we will go out during Puja Vacation to some place away from
Kolkata.
I came out of the bathroom; my toothbrush was still in my mouth.
I asked---What happened?
ChotoMa shook her head---Nothing.
I spit out the froth from my mouth in the washbasin and asked again--Who called?
Babu came near me and looked at ChotoMa---Ulupi, we should tell
her.
ChotoMa pulled me inside my room and asked me to open the top
buttons of my night gown.
I was baffled by her action and asked her---Why what happened?
She ordered me to open my dressing-gown and show her my bosoms.
As I opened my buttons, she pushed her palms under my bosoms and
pressed them under my mounds, circled those and felt those soft
fleshes. I was taken aback by her actions. She pinched my nipples and
asked me whether I had any pain or discharge from those or not.
I shook my head and said---No.
Ok she nodded her head and kissed my forehead Dress up, we are
going to your village.
A writhing pain started inside my heart as what could have happened.
The first thought that came in my mind as what happened to my
mom?
I
asked
her
again
as
what
happened.
ChotoMa answered---Your Mom is fine, ShonaMa. I was thinking that
since the Puja Vacation is about to start so why dont I take you to
your village few days earlier?
She asked Babu to call a car instead of going by bus.
ChotoMa and I boarded the car and we started for my native place.
She
asked
me
questions
about
my
college.
---So
everything
is
going
well
in
your
college?
I nodded my head as to say that Everything is fine but inside my
heart I had an anxiety as what could have happened and that also with
whom?
If
my
mom
was
ok
then
who
could
be?
How many new friends you have now? She asked. Was she trying to
divert my attention away from my anxiety? Probably yes because she
was my ChotoMa.
I smiled at her---Oh! Come on ChotoMa, I am not a child anymore. All
are friends.
She shook her and touched my chin and nudged---ShonaMa, in
college life every things become materialistic. You should be aware of
that. This is not your native place, ShonaMa. This is Kolkata; people
here only know others if there is something in return and that is the
truth.
She patted on my cheeks and said---I have to have a very hard time
with my daughter.
I looked at her as to understand as what she was saying. She was
trying
to
explain
the
harsh
reality
of
the
society.
I told her that I had two best friends; one was Teesta Sarkar and other
Delisha Khatun.
She smiled at me and said---Why dont you invite them someday at
our house after Puja?
Sure I smiled at her.
I hesitated a little and then asked her---ChotoMa, I have to say
something.
She gave a queer look and asked---What?
---I want a cell-phone, ChotoMa. Most of my friend in college has. I
feel inferiority complex.
She smiled at me and said---Ok, next birthday you will have your
cell-phone.
Oh! My god. I thought, which meant that I had to wait for another
long year, as my birthday just passed on twenty-sixth August.
I shook my head and gave a childish look---NO, no, no. Thats too
late ChotoMa.
She nodded her head and said---Ok, baba. Christmas gift. Now
happy?
I threw my arms around her neck and kissed her cheek---My lovely
ChotoMa.
She was a teacher, she knew human psychology, she knew well how
to divert attention and she made me happy then. Sometimes I felt that
how could she banish her own son out of the house?
By noon we reached our village. I ran inside the house without even
paying heed to few pairs of eyes as a car has stopped in front of our
house.
Probably everyone was expecting us. I saw my mom was sitting in the
dining room, Meghna Boudi and Maithili was also present. I knew that
Shasanko Da and Subroto were in their work place and Eldest brother
was in the field. As it was noon so I thought that my eldest sister-inlaw Parvati Boudi might have gone to fields to give him his lunch.
Mom and Meghna smiled at me. Mom greeted me with a bear hug and
kissed my forehead. I was panting and looked around so as to find
that
what
could
have
happened
and
to
whom.
I asked mom---What happened and to whom?
She said---Paree you have come a long way. Take the lunch and then
rest. Everything is fine here. While she said those words, there was
grieving pain painted on her face. But I was unable to fathom that
pain.
ChotoMa came in and Mom took her inside. I looked at Meghna Boudi
and asked her the same question. She also didnt say anything to me,
I then looked at Maithili. She avoided me somehow and went away to
her room.
Out of now-where Dushtu came running at me and I bend down to
take him on my lap. He threw around his arms around my neck and I
kissed his chubby cheeks.
His first question put me in an agonizing situation---Why are you
alone? Where is Abhi Uncle? After a long, long time someone called
his name. I could not believe my ears that I was hearing his name. I
felt an earthquake inside my chest, gurgling out a gruesome pain. I
clasped him with all my strength and looked at him.
I smiled painfully at him with my glistening eyes---He will come next
time. He has gone far away for his job and he didnt get leave for
enjoying his Puja Vacation.
I said those words to him, same time I consoled my painful harrowing
heart that one day he will come for me.
What Dushtu told me after that, shook the earth beneath my feet.
---Bodo Jethima (eldest aunt) is in hospital. She had pain on her
chest.
I looked at him. Already I had enough pain in my small bleeding heart,
and then came his words as a huge turbulent wave on the coast of my
chest. I just ran with him in my lap to the room where mom was
talking with ChotoMa. Parvati Boudi showered her affection silently on
me
always.
He
also
knew
these
and
he
told
me.
I yelled at both of them---What is he saying? MA. WHAT are you two
hiding from me?
I shouted at them, I forgot that Dushtu was on my lap---Why
ChotoMa checked my bosoms?
Mom got up from the bed, they were sitting. She came near me and
took Dushtu from my lap and asked him to go away from the room. I
observed that ChotoMa wiped the corner of her eyes. I walked to her
and kneeled down by the side of the bed by her feet.
She rubbed her soothing palm on my cheeks and said---Your Bodo

Boudi is fine. She just had some chest pain and she will come back by
evening.
I looked at her with my deluged eyes and said---You are telling me
the truth? Right?
She nodded her head---Yes my daughter. Why should I tell you lie?
---Why you checked my breasts, this morning?
---Nothing, I was examining.
I didnt believe her words that Bodo Boudi had only a chest pain---No,
there is something more and you all are hiding from me.
Mom looked at ChotoMa and signed her not to tell me anything, I
observed that gesture with the corner of my eyes and I was then
wounded
that
there
was
something
more.
I pleaded to ChotoMa with my grieving eyes---Please tell me.
ChotoMa took a deep breath---Parvati has been diagnosed with breast
cancer.
I was dumbfounded as what more pain I had to bear. I threw my arms
around ChotoMas waist and hid my sniveled face on her lap.
I shrieked out a long---NOOOOOOOO this cant happen with me.
ChotoMa, being a teacher said to me while gently soothing my hair
---
(For one who has taken birth, death is certain and for one who has
died, birth is certain. Therefore in an inevitable situation understanding
should prevail)
I was furious on hearing her Sanskrit shloka and shouted at her--Dont tell me all those Sanskrit shlokas; they are not going to bring
back life. I am just a young girl with flesh and blood. Just tell me why
everything
that
I
love
in
my
life
is
taken
away?
She took my face between her palms and wiped my tears---ShonaMa,
you
are
old
enough
to
understand
things
in
life.
I
shook
my
head---I
want
to
goto
her,
NOW.
She
somehow
pacified
me
as
to
keep
calm.
The evening was approaching, none of my brothers returned. My heart
started to beat faster with each passing second, anticipating the
arduous
news
to
come
in
any
second.
Just then the phone rang and I ran to pick up the phone. Subroto was
on the other end; he didnt expect me to pick up the phone.
Subroto---What are you doing?
---Just tell me where are you and how is Bodo Boudi?
Subroto---Give the phone to Mom
I shouted at him---Am I no one of this house? Dont I have any right
to know?
He took a long breadth; I bit my lower lips to control myself, prepared

myself for the harrowing news.
Subroto---She is sleeping now. Chemotherapy is going on. Now will
you give the phone to Mom?
I wiped my eyes and handed over the phone to my mom. I looked
around, every person was standing there anxiously waiting for my
answer as what has Subroto told me.
I told them---Bodo Boudi is going under Chemotherapy. She is
sleeping now.
At that point of time I understood as why ChotoMa felt my breasts in
the morning. I looked at ChotoMa and she understood from the look of
my eyes that I paid her the gratitude as what she did to me.
She told me---Tomorrow I will take you to the hospital.
During the night, after my brothers arrived all sat in a closed door
meeting and I was not allowed to enter. On last visit at my native
place, when we both were leaving, Bodo Boudi came out of her kitchen
to bid us good bye. It was the first time in many years, she came out
of her kitchen in her entire life to bid good bye to us. I didnt know
what he did or what he told to her. Only that pair of smiling eyes
floated
in
front
of
my
sniveled
eyes,
then.
I walked up the roof and looked up the sky. I stood in one corner of
the roof, just the place where he sat few months back during our last
visit. I was desperate to meet him but also at the same time I was
having the pain of losing my ChotoMa. She had done lot for me and I
was in debt to her for what she did. How can I let their heads bow
down in shame in front society, among the relatives? I was a girl, a
nave girl who had to die thousands times before taking any drastic
steps in life.
A terrible chain of thoughts jostled inside my head. Cancer of Bodo
Boudi, pain of losing my love, ChotoMas affection. The whole world
shook violently in front of my eyes. I could not think of anything. I felt
a sharp pain inside my head and all of a sudden everything went black
in front of my eyes.
When I opened my eyes, I was on a bed surrounded by ChotoMa, my
Mom, Meghna Boudi and my brothers.
Moms eyes were filled with tears as she looked at my painful face.
She asked ChotoMa in choked voice---Whats happening to my house
Ulupi?
ChotoMa probably sensed the reason behind my ill health. She knew
the truth that it was not only due to Bodo Boudis cancer it was
something more than that.
Mom rubbed her soothing palm all over my head and face. She was in
dark as what was going inside my heart. Only person who knew as
what was going on was ChotoMa. But her eyes were also filled up with
tears; probably she was bearing the same pain of losing his son. It
was really hard to fathom as she could veil very aptly, her feelings.
ChotoMa told me---You could goto meet your Bodo Boudi tomorrow.
But next day also, I was not taken to hospital on pretext of something.
On Chaurthi, the fourth day after Mahalaya, I was walking towards the
backyard of the house, beside the pond. Everywhere I felt his touch, in
the pond, on the path. Every place in my house bore his
reminiscences. I walked to the mango tree; that he planted long time
ago and sat under that tree. I tried hard to feel him on the trunk of the
tree. On that place, he kissed me on the last night. Still those kisses
lingered on my lips, my forehead. I looked up the cobalt blue sky. The
aroma of the air was filled up with Puja and Puja. But those aromas
were not getting inside my brain.
Dushtu came running at me and said---Bodo Jethima (eldest aunt)
has returned to the house.
I was more than happy, at least some solace to my painful mind and
soul. I came running to the house and found that everyone was
gathered in the dining hall. I asked mom as where was Bodo Boudi
(eldest sister-in-law).
She said to me---She has just arrived. She is inside her room.
I walked inside her room and found her lying on the bed, covered till
her neck. She was so sick and so wispy, that when she smiled at me, I
wanted to tell her that Dont smile just be there on bed and stand on
your feet for my sake.
From that day I was always by her side for every moment and also at
night. Her left breast was amputated. She was on chemo. She was
gradually regaining her strength although she was very weak, but at
least she was able to sit on the bed and walk to the bathroom.
On Navami, ninth day of Durga Puja, she felt better than previous
days. I helped her to take bath and she looked at me while I was
combing her hair. Most of the hair had fallen by then due to
chemotherapy.
She whispered in a very weak voice---Paree, I want to goto to the
Durga Mandir, will you take me?
I told her Why not?
---Today evening?
---Yes, sure. We all will go. Mom, ChotoMa, Sumanto Da, Meghna
Boudi, Dushtu, and Maithili everyone will go with you.
The evening came; I was very happy to find that Bodo Boudi was able
to walk and would goto to the Durga Mandir. I was in her room when
helping her to get dress up. I dressed her in a red cotton saree. Her
smiling face was trying to say something else which I was unable to
understand. She asked me to take out a beautiful sky blue and white
check Sambalpuri silk saree from the almirah. I asked her as what was
that. She told me that my brother brought that one for her but she
wanted me to wear that on that day.
I wore that saree and came down to her room. Everyone was looking
at me. I smiled to everyone. My mom came near me and kissed me on
the forehead. Bodo Boudi was sitting on the bed with a wooden box in
her hand. She patted on the bed beside her and asked me to sit.
She rubbed her soothing palm all over my face and with hazy eyes
looked at me.
I asked---Why are you crying? You will be ok? but I was not a child
anymore and I also knew that the clock was ticking very fast. The
winded spring of the clock has reached the optimum and it would stop
any moment.
She said---I am just beholding how beautiful you are. She handed
me that wooden box and opened that. I saw, it was filled up with few
gold bangles and three gold chains and few pairs of gold earrings.
I was bewildered as what was she going to do?
She said nothing and picked up one gold necklace and put that around
my neck. Then she put another one and then she made me wear a pair
of big gold earring.
Large drops of tears were rolling down her cheeks as she was slowly
pushing
those
gold
bangles
on
my
wrist.
After she finished, she took my face between her palms and asked me
to call Sumanto Da.
I called Sumanto Da.
She looked at him and said---See how beautiful your sister is looking.
Just like a fairy from the heaven has descended on the earth.
She gently caressed my cheeks. My chest already gurgled in some
unknown fear.
I placed my palms over her to enjoy every bit of her soothing caresses
on my soft cheeks.
All of a sudden she held her chest, her bust convulsed. As if small
waves crushed on her repeatedly. I held her in my arms, tightly and
screamed out for my mother. Sumanto Da asked her to lie down.
She shook her head---No, let me lie down in her arms only.
Her upper torso convulsed repeatedly. Blood oozed out of the
bandaged chest.
Her lips were dry. Those lips shook a bit and she raised her right hand
over my head.
I cried out till my last drop of strength was exhausted---Ma, come
quickly.
All
of
them
came
running
inside
the
room.
She raised her hand and put her palm on my head---I am happy that
you are here.
I held her tightly across my chest---YOU CANT LEAVE ME LIKE THAT.
NO, NO, NO.
The blood from her chest already soaked the upper part of my saree
and my blouse. My sight was hazy then, who cared what was
happening around me.
She closed her teary eyes. Her head bent on my lap and her hand fell
on
her
side
after
sometime
like
an
old
dried
twig.
My eldest brother, Sumanto Da came near me and took my head in
her arms. I was unable to breathe properly as my chest was
convulsing. Boudis lifeless body in my arms and I was helpless.
Sumanto Da said to me---Everything has finished. Nothing is left here
for me..
My Bodo Boudi was no more among us. On that day, when everyone
was enjoying the Navami Puja, I had to immerse my Goddess
Annapurna forever.
I knew that every year Devi Durga comes to make our life filled up
with joy and happiness, but my Annapurna, Parvati Boudi wont come
back to me again.
Chapter 4: Console bleeding heart (#1)

Chapter 4: Console bleeding heart
Mourning ceremony was to be held after thirteen days so I had to stay

there for next fortnight. ChotoMa went for her school; she said to me
that she would visit every day afternoon before she goes home.
Kalyani also visited our house as she resides in the same village as
mine. One evening I and Kalyani was walking in the back side of the
house, beside the pond.
Kalyani asked me about him---Paree, where is Abhimanyu? Have you
told him the news of demise of Bodo Boudi? He should come?
I looked at her, what I should say to her, I could not understand.
Should I tell her the truth or console myself by telling her that he
would come. But how could he come when he didnt know about the
demise of Bodo Boudi?
I said to her---If I make a STD call from your house, will you mind?
I
knew
Suprotim
Das
residence
telephone
number.
She shook her head---Why? Where is he that you have to call STD?
He has gone to Delhi for job. He is very busy so I think he will be
unable to come. While I said those words to her, I looked down so as
not to look at Kalyanis face. I was the worst liar in the whole world.
She was surprised to know that he went away---But at least he
should come now? At least he should think about you as what was
going on?
How could I tell her, as what all was going inside my chest?
We walked till the mango tree and stopped there. I touched the trunk
and tried to feel his touch.
Kalyani smiled at me and asked---Missing him? She hugged me.
I gave her a faint smile and hid the pain gurgling inside my chest.
She nudged my chin---Ok come on. Lets us call him.
I
said
to
her---I
dont
know
his
number?
She looked at me with big surprised eyes---WHAT? He has gone away

and you havent his number? Has he not called you?
---No I mean, he might have called ChotoMa and Babu. May be I was
in the college during that time.
She didnt believe me as what I said. She held me by hand and pushed
my chin up. My sight was hazy by then.
You are hiding something. Your eyes doesnt depict the pain of
separation only, there is something more that you are not telling me.
What is that? She touched my cheek.
Her touch made me go meek in my heart and I sobbed out---He will
come for me right?
I sat under the tree and she sat beside on the ground. She took my
face between her palms and asked as what had happened to us?
With choked voice, I said to her---ChotoMa smelled our relation and
he was banished from his own house. I feel guilty for all this.
She asked---How and when all this happened? You have not told me
a single word all this time?
---Always there was a pair of prying eyes hovering around me, how
could I?
---You could have called me from outside, when you go to college.
---I thought why to bother you.
She wiped my tears with her thumbs---So am I not your friend?
She pulled me up from the ground---Do you want to goto Delhi and
leave your house forever?
I was taken aback by her words, was she asking me to be desperate
and leave ChotoMa and Babu?
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and looked at her---No, I
cant leave my ChotoMa and Babu. They have done lot for me. They
have fought for my studies and I cant at least make their heads stoop
in
front
of
the
society
in
shame,
just
for
me.
I took a deep breath and said---He will surely come. He has to come.
I know. The society and families knows only the tinker of money. He
will struggle and fight against this society and will sweep me away
from all my miseries. But I cant leave my house or my family in any
sense. She hugged me tightly---Hope that he comes back. I really
envy you two. I really envy your faith and his struggle.
She asked me to walk along with her to her house.
We walked along the narrow path between the fields and by the pond
she asked me---Do you want to call Suprotim Das home?
I nodded in accordance.
When we entered our house, I observed that ChotoMa was there
discussing
something
with
my
mom
and
other
elders.
She saw me enter the house with Kalyani. My heart skipped few paces
faster in some unknown fear that ChotoMa would probably ask Kalyani
about details of our relation or she would ask something more drastic.
We, Kalyani and I, both looked at each others face. She winked at me
and signed me to keep quiet, if any questions are asked by ChotoMa,
she would handle.
Instead ChotoMa smiled sweetly at her and asked---How are you?

She
nodded
her
head
to
say
that
she
was
fine.
---I think you will be a better person to take care of her, since you
are friends from childhood.
We both were very much relieved to hear those words from ChotoMa.
A huge boulder came off our chest and we both smiled at each other.
ChotoMa then asked Kalyani---Why dont you take her with you to
your home? I think if she stays here the demise of Parvati will haunt
her every moment. If she stays with you then she would probably feel
relieved for some time.
I felt a deep urge to hug my ChotoMa with all my strength as she said
those words to me.
She looked at my mom---Am I telling something wrong? If she stays
with her then it wont be a problem for you I suppose?
My mom answered and smiled at me---She is your daughter now.
We walked out of our house.
That night we called Suprotim Das home in New Delhi, but alas none
answered the phone. For the rest of the days till I was in my native
place and with Kalyani, we called his house. Every time the phone
rang, but no one answered.
The day, I was to come back to my house at DumDum with ChotoMa.
Dushtu came to me and said---Next time when you will come, please
bring Abhi Uncle along with you. I have not heard his stories for a long
time.
I smiled at him and nodded---Sure I will call him and tell him to
come.
I consoled my heart that my thief would come one day and free his
fairy from the ivory cage. He would sweep her feet away to the
mountains. Just it was a matter of time.
Chapter 5: Glimmer of hope, fades (#1)
Chapter 5: Glimmer of hope, fades
Days passed without much ripples. After I returned to my house in
DumDum, I was given some freedom. Then I was at least allowed to
close
my
door
of
my
room
at
night.
On the first day when I locked my door, I took out his diary and read
that for a long time. He loved to write stories and poems. All those
were very, very funny. I laughed a lot while reading those poems.
Truly speaking, some were good but most of them were nonsense.
And that nonsense made me laugh at night. I was able to breathe
again in the fresh air. Gradually I was feeling happy again as that diary
was with me and I was at least able to read his memoirs every night.
ChotoMa and Babu were also happy to see my smiling face. But they
didnt
know
the
reason
behind
my
smiling
face.
The day was two weeks before Christmas; first marriage anniversary
of Subroto and Maithili. It was also the day I met him. It was a
memorable day for me. The day of my first kiss, although it was on my
forehead but it was the most sweetest and most precious. It was early
morning and I was still in my bed remembering those sweet moments
and was smiling inside my heart.
I knew by my heart that he must be feeling those same and I knew he
would somehow try to contact me.
ChotoMa and Babu had just finished calling Maithili and Subroto to
wish them their first anniversary. She asked for me but ignored them
with some pretext. I told ChotoMa to tell them that I was in bathroom
and I would call them afterwards.
It was the venomous curse of Maithili that took him away from me.
I was getting ready for my college. ChotoMa already left for her
school. Babu was near to the telephone and I was in my room when
the phone rang.
I was about to run to pick up the phone, but Babu answered. I stood
at the door of my room. My heart was telling me that the call was from
him.
Babu---Hello who is this?
Some one answered, but I was unable to fathom as who was on the
other end. Whatever the answer was, that made his face muscles
strained, jaws clenched. I could observe all those facial expressions of
Babu as I observed his face from his side. I was standing behind him
at the entrance of my room. His back was towards me.
---We are well. Why have you called?
From that answer I was sure that it was him on the other end. My
heart galloped like a race horse trying to finish the race. I was trying
to gather all my strength to get into that receiver of the phone, just to
hear his voice. I clasped the curtain.
---She is not here. She has gone to her native place.
He was not aware that telephone was there at my native place by
then. He would unable to cross-check what Babu told him. I closed my
eyes, my sight went hazy. My face turned red and my ears were
burning.
---Yes she is studying M.Sc. We have finalized her marriage. After her
M.Sc. she will get married soon.
I couldnt know what his reaction was on the other end, but I stood
there as a lifeless corpse on hearing those words. The whole world
shook in front of my eyes. I lost myself into deep oblivion. The only
thought that ran in my mind was that I lost him forever. Hope that he
doesnt
lose
himself
and
keep
a
faith
in
me.
---Dont call us again and try to mess her life. She is happy with what
has come.
I closed the door behind me very quietly, so as not to make any noise.
I tore the pillow apart to vent my agony. I cried my heart out in utter
pain. He called but I was not able to talk to him. I bit the pillow
between my teeth to drowse my cries and the gurgles inside my chest.
Babu knocked the door---ShonaMa, you are getting late for college.
Are you ok?
I screamed out with all my strength---NO I AM NOT OK. JUST GO
AWAY. How could you all do this to me? Not a single sound came out
from my lips. I buried all those cries deep inside my heart.

I wiped my face and said to Babu---I am not feeling well today.
---Ok, take rest then. Let your ChotoMa return, she will take you to
the doctor.
At least I was relieved that he didnt observe me standing behind him
and eaves dropping his conversation, else another second world war
would have started that night.
I kept to myself after that incident and that was noticed by my friends.
Teesta and Delish wanted to know, but I was not at all in a position to
tell them as what all had happened. After that day, I crawled deep in a
shell like a hermit crab. Only thought that rang time and again inside
my brain, heart, mind and soul, I have lost him. That one sentence of
Babu was enough for the glimmer of hope to get faded.
Few days after that incident, I stood at the College Street bus-stand
waiting for my bus. The winter had already set in Kolkata. The festive
season of Christmas could be felt in the air. I was in a salwar and a
cardigan. I was feeling cold all due to heavy heart. Few busses passed
by but I was lost somewhere else in his thought. Someone touched my
shoulder.
---You are standing here since long time. Two or three busses of your
route had already passed.
I recognized the voice; it was of Sankho Chakroborty of our class only.
We talked very less as he was bit timid guy. He was not so tall, just
medium built medium height guy. Very, very normal looking person
and he were studious. He never had courage to talk to me as Teesta,
Delisha, Debobroto and few others were always with me. I was also
counted as a very, very studious and snobby person. It was all due to
my quiet nature. Probably I talked less, mingled with less people.
I smiled faintly at him---Just like that. All those busses were crowded
so I was just waiting for some other bus.
He asked me---Want to walk with me till Sealdah? From there you will
get several buses for your home.
I nodded my head Ok.
As soon as we started to walk I heard a whistle. On hearing that I was
sure that cunning Debobroto had definitely seen us together and he
would surely make my life hell.
He came running towards me and asked---Sankho? I am surprised to
find
you
walking
away
with
my
girlfriend.
He teased me a lot and he always wanted to bring smile on my gloom
face. On hearing those words I flung my bag at him. Sankho was shy
person so he kept quiet.
He patted on Sankhos back and said to him---Now you can go. I will
take her from here.
I
yelled
at
him---You
rascal,
He teased me again---Not yet.
am
your
property?
Sankhos
scratched
his
scalp
and
quietly
walked
away.
After he went away, Debobroto all of sudden became serious and
asked me---What has happened to you? Since few days, I have
observed that you are not talking properly with anyone.
I shook my head and said to him---Nothing I am well. I am heavy
hearted due to demise of my eldest-sister-in-law nothing else.
Hey
come
on
He
nudged
me
by
my
shoulder.
I looked at him, felt relieved by his friendly gesture.
He asked me---Are you going somewhere this winter?
I shook my head---No. Are you going?
---Yes
---Where?
---New Delhi, my eldest sister is there.
My heart skipped. Place where he was. My eyes flashed which was
unnoticed by him.
He asked---What happened?
I almost pleaded him---Will you do me a favour when you will be in
Delhi?
---Sure, what?
I only knew Suprotim Das residence number and nothing else. When
we went to his house, he came in his car. Only thing I knew that the
house was near a big market and there was kali temple near his
house.
I said to him---I will give one letter and a phone number. Could you
please contact that number and take that address and give that letter
to that person?
His
eyes
flashed
mischievously---Hmmmm..
Old
affair.
I shook my head---NO, NO, NO, he is husband of a good friend of
mine.
He was unable to understand anything---You want me to meet the
husband of your friend?
---Yes,
you
promised
me
that
you
will
do
that.
Ok he nodded. I will be going in first week of January, give your
message before that.
I was happy as I knew that my letter would at least bring some news.
I was happy that I got a messenger to carry my news. But I was
skeptical about finding the right person, as I didnt know Suprotim
Das address. Only what I knew was his phone number.
After few days, I gave a letter to Debobroto addressed to Suprotim Da.
In that letter I wrote to Suprotim Da, asking about my heartbeats
whereabouts and to keep faith in me.
I was happy for another reason also; ChotoMa promised me that she
would present me a cell-phone. But no one talked about the cell-phone
in the house. The dinner table conversation and all others were very
normal. No one talked about buying me a cell-phone. I was skeptical

about the cell-phone after few days.
The Christmas arrived. On the morning of Christmas as I woke up I
found that ChotoMa and Babu, as usual they were early birds, so they
were
sipping
tea
in
the
drawing
room.
When I came out of the bathroom after getting fresh, I found a gift
pack on my bed.
I was very happy as I opened the pack and found a Nokia handset
model 3330. I sensed my freedom through that phone.
I ran to drawing room and thanked ChotoMa and Babu.
She
smiled
at
me
and
said---Happy
now?
My face was beaming with a smile of thousand volts---Very happy.
But there is a caution. She said to me. And I was expecting that.
She said to me---Promise me, that you will not do anything that will
stoop
down
our
faces
in
front
of
the
society.
All the glimmers were just gone by that single sentence. I walked
silently
to
my
room
without
answering
her.
She came behind me---What? I have not got your answer yet.
I clutched the phone in one hand and with another I hold the chair. My
back was turned towards her so she was unaware of my facial
expression. I controlled myself and nodded my head. I also knew by
heart that I was lying to them as they lied to him.
She was happy as she observed me nodding my head but same time
was skeptical about my future reactions.
Anyway, after she left my room, I thought of him and a way to call
him. I thought hard as whom to make the first call. If I knew his
number then surely it would be him, but alas I didnt have his contact
number
and
neither
had
I
known
his
whereabouts.
After dinner I retired to my room and then I thought to make my first
call. I was alone in my room and the door was locked from inside.
I called Suprotim Das house. It was about eleven oclock in the night.
The phone bell rang for few minutes. I thought Probably they have
slept. I was about to disconnect the phone when someone answered.
It was ladys voice and I recognized that would be Suprotim Das
mother.
---Hello, who is this?
---Suchismita, I am a friend of Suprotim Das friend from Kolkata.
She recognized my voice---Oh! Yes, yes I remember. You came to my
house. How are you?
My heart danced. I was able to see the dawn on the horizon. The red
sun was rising from east.
---Can I talk to Suprotim Da?
She paused for few Moments---Suprotim is not in Delhi. After their
marriage they have shifted to Bangalore.
I let out a deep exhale, but I didnt lose my hope. I thought Should I
ask her about him or not?
---Can I get his mobile number?
She gave me his mobile number.

I asked her at last---Do you have any news of Abhimanyu? After a
long time, probably after one hundred and fifty days I pronounced his
full name from my lips. My heart was thumping very fast to hear his
news.
---Hmmmm. He came two weeks ago. He was ok.
I saw the sun rising from the horizon---Can I get his contact
number?
She paused for a Moment and said---Am actually not sure whether he
is still in New Delhi or not.
I couldnt believe my ears, it was so near to reach the finish line and I
was about to finish my race when someone forcefully pulled the ribbon
away.
I gathered all my courage and asked---Can you tell me where he has
gone?
She said---No, but Suprotim might know. You can call him.
I disconnected the call---Ok auntie, bye. Merry Christmas.
I clenched my jaws as I dialed Suprotim Das mobile number. A single
sentence
from
Babu
devastated
our
life
again.
Suprotim
Da
picked
up
the
phone---Who
is
calling?
I answered---I am Paree.
He was surprised to hear my voice---After so long time?
Yes. my chest was preparing herself for an unknown anxiety.
What he told to me next, shattered all my dreams and all those
glimmers
of
hope
faded
away.
---Abhi called me last week. He told to me that you were getting
married
and
your
marriage
has
been
fixed.
My lungs busted inside my ribcage---No, it is not true. I was unable
to scream out as it would wake ChotoMa and Babu.
---He was devastated by that news. He called you only to tell that he
is working hard and he would return to take you back. You know that
money counts in the society. If you are rich and a prestigious person,
then the surroundings around us overlook all those age difference and
problems. People like to hear tinkers of money, so he drowned himself
in work, work and your thoughts. But then
---Then, what? Where is he now? I want his number I want to talk to
him.
---He told me that he was going to Israel for IT training and he also
told me that since you were getting married so he would never return
to Kolkata in future. He left New Delhi just four days ago. If you could
have
called
then
What
are
you
going
to
do?
I
closed
my
eyes
as
I
heard
that
last
sentence.
---You both have lost the battle.
I wanted to scream out in top of my voice I cant lose the battle. I
was forced to lose the battle but my Abhi cant lose any battle. But he
was gone.
I disconnected the phone and lay on my back for a long time. Clutched
the pillow on my chest and bit that soft cotton between my teeth to
douse
the
sound
of
my
pain
and
tears.
I got up from my bed and walked to the bookshelf to pull out the
diary. Read all those pages with my hazy eyes. The lines that he wrote
in those white pages seemed to be all fake. I felt to tear all those
pages and burn the diary called as Optics Notebook. That notebook
kept me alive in those past months, but what then after he was gone
away forever. But something inside me resisted me not to destroy the
diary.
First it was the values of the society, yet there was some hope. Then a
single lie and he was gone forever. All my hopes, the light at the end
of the tunnel everything faded. All the dreams shattered in front of
eyes. If he could have faith in me then he would surely understand me
that it was not me who was talking. How could I clarify myself was
then a big question.
I asked Debobroto to return me the letter and asked him not to
contact
that
phone
number
in
future.
Few days later, I went to my native place during the New Year and I
handed the Optics Notebook to Kalyani. She asked me as what was
that. I told her that it bears some reminiscences of past memoirs. She
opened the diary.
She was surprised to see that---This is Abhimanyus. Why are you
giving this to me?
My voice choked as I told her as what had happened. I was unable to
control myself while I narrated the whole incident to her.
---Why dont you keep this with you?
---Is there any reason left to keep that diary with me? He has left
me.
She paused for a Moment and then looked at the Optics Notebook
and asked me---Why dont you burn this or destroy this, when you
dont
want
to
keep
this
with
yourself?
I took a deep breath and said her---This diary dates back from 1992.
This contains not only the pages of our love, but it contains his
childhood, his pains, reminiscences of his friendship and many more. I
cant destroy his childhood or his friendship.
She asked me---What are you going to do now?
I shook my head---I dont know. But I know that I have to live and
whatever comes I will face.
---Means?
I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath and said---Probably my Mom
would also not approve our relation. He is a distant relative and he is
younger than me. Who is important? My love or my Mother and
ChotoMa? I am a girl; we have to sacrifice a lot of things in life before
taking any step in life. If he would not have gone then I would have
waited for him throughout my life. Why should I now?
She shook her head in dismay. Her voice was also choked---Both of
you knew as what was going to happen and you had to face that
together. May be he has left for struggle. May be he will come for you,
again. Why are you losing your hope?
---I am too tired Kalyani. He could have left any message to Suprotim
Da asking me to keep faith, which he didnt. He just left with broken
heart.
---What else he can do if your Babu tell him that you were getting
married?
I understood the reason then, the fate was not with us.
Who actually lost? We all lost. ChotoMa sacrificed, Abhimanyu
squandered off and I suffered.
The lovely fairy of that mischievous thief squandered off that day
forever.
Chapter 6: Reeling stone (#1)
Chapter 6: Reeling stone
Does the life end if a person goes away? Pubali passed away, but her
parents lived. Arundhuti lived. I also made up my mind and consoled
my soul It is fate that has to be blamed. Fate brought us together
only to bring pain in our life. We have to overcome that pain and life
doesnt end there.
Days passed. I tried hard to rebuild my soul. But my heart and soul
always
reminded
me
the
pain
of
separation.
I lost weight and that was noticed by ChotoMa and Babu.
One Sunday morning Babu asked me---What happened to you? You
are not having your food properly and you are losing weight? This is
not a good sign Paree.
ChotoMa also voiced the same and I was taken to a doctor. But
medicines didnt helped that much.
After the winter break the classes started as usual. I drowned myself
in studies and books.
ChotoMa noticed that I was very quiet; I lost all the old composure
that I used to have. My free spirit, frolic nature was gone.
She asked me one day---You have to be strong and forget the past. A
whole new life is waiting ahead of you.
I looked at her face and said---You want me to forget as what has
happened? Tell me how.
She held my hands in hers and said---I am a mother. I have
sacrificed so why cant you?
I gave a painful smile---I have drowned myself in books and studies.
I will try to rebuild my old composure. But you have lost your son
what about that?
She let out a deep breath from her chest---Probably he will
understand someday.
Slowly I freed my hand from her clutch---Can I be alone for some
time? Please.
I closed the door after she left my room. ChotoMas soul was also
bearing the pain but she was adamant about her prestige that we cant
be together. Did she know that her son has gone out of India? I didnt
know then.
My guardians sensed that I had totally doused myself in my studies
and books. They felt some freedom should be given to me.
Winter was passing away. One year has passed after that beautiful trip
to Chitkul.
It was third week of February. One day after the college, we all friends
were
walking
towards
the
Medical
College.
Debobroto asked me---You took away the letter, why?
I smiled at him---Suprotim Da, to whom the letter was addressed,
was
not
in
Delhi.
He
has
shifted
to
Bangalore.
---Can I ask as what was so important in that letter? You seemed to
be very desperate then.
I hide my pains behind a smile---No you cant. Thats all a ladies talk
between two friends.
---So have you contacted him after that to talk to your friend?
---Yes
I
have
contacted.
Now
there
is
no
need.
What he understood I didnt know. But Teesta and Delisha looked at us
while we were talking.
Teesta teased me---Am I sensing some smoke between you two?
Debobroto patted on the back of her head and said---Dont think
everyone like you at least.
Delisha nodded her head---Hmmmm too much possessive about
her.
---Hey, I am not Tirthankar and she is not Teesta. So you two better
keep your mouth shut.
I sensed that I was the centre of their discussion which could turn
ugly.
So I said to at all of them---We are friends, so let it be as a
friendship. No more words. I am fine with what I have.
He said to all of the people---Want to enjoy a movie.
Rajat, Pushpanjali, Sankho and every one nodded their head in
accordance.
I kept quiet as I was not in mood that day to watch any movie.
Debobroto looked at me and asked---What about you?
I shook my head---Not today. May be some other day.
Sunday? he asked me. At that time I was skeptical about ChotoMas
permission.
I said to him---I would try.
---Good then. Sunday at Globe.
Rajat and Pushpanjali said in chorus voice---So for one person we are
going to postpone our movie?
Teesta came to my rescue---No, no. I was also thinking of Sunday.

Tirthankar would also come then.
Delisha also voiced---Then Danish can also be with us. It will be very
good gathering.
We
all
settled
for
the
movie
on
Sunday.
On Saturday evening I asked ChotoMa for permitting me to enjoy a
movie with my friends. She gave the permission to enjoy with my
friends but cautioned me to return before night fall. That was the first
outing with my friends after I was chained in an ivory cage.
I sensed the air of freedom. But that breeze of freedom was a stench
one.
I wore a pink and red salwar and dressed myself very simple. Not
much of make ups or anything. Only the lock danced on my right
cheek.
On Sunday morning, Teesta called---We are coming to pick you up.
Actually
Tirthankar
has
got
his
car
with
him.
Tirthankar, I noticed his eyes hovered over my torso as we met for the
first time. Then I felt awkward. I thought to decline her help and then
I thought Let me face and see what he can do?
I waited at the bus-stand for them to pick me up. He came in a blue
Maruti Alto with Teesta in tow.
Teesta greeted me with open arms---You are looking beautiful even in
this simple salwar.
She wore a white silhouette hugging navy blue top and a faded pairs
of jeans. I looked at Tirthankar; he waved his hand and asked me to
sit on the back seat.
Teesta also sat with me in the back seat and slapped Tirthankars
head---Now drive and dont look back you naughty fellah.
He smiled at us and started to drive---It is hard to drive if such two
beauties
are
seated
on
the
backseat.
I knew that that was for me, but I didnt spoke a word.
All the way to the Esplanade, Teesta babbled various nonsenses most
of which I didnt pay any attention.
She
asked
me---Why
have
you
become
so
quiet?
I
shook
my
head---Nothing,
thats
my
nature.
---But you were a different type when we first met. You were more
jovial and puerile. Something has happened in between.
I waved my hand and smiled at her---Nothing, dear. Change is
evitable in every person as the person matures. Quantum Mechanics!
We both laughed as she heard me talking about physics.
As we reached the Globe Theatre, we found Delisha and Danish. It was
first time I was meeting Danish. He was tall, probably six feet, fair and
handsome guy. He looked dashing in his faded blue jeans and blue and
pink check shirt. I looked at Delisha, who gave a bear hug to me and
complimented.
You are not going to change. You will always dress simple but
elegant Delisha said to me.
I looked at Danish and joined my palms to express courtesy. He
looked at me and the look was very different from all males. Those
eyes
contained
glimmer
of
affection,
stripes
of
pain.
He looked at me and smiled---No need to do that Apa."
I couldnt understand as what he addressed to me and I asked Delisha

as what he has told.
Danish came near me and said---My elder sister is in Dubai. I have
not met her for a long time. You reminded me of her so I was looking
at you like that.
______________________________
His words made my sight little hazy, which he and Delisha noticed.
Delisha rubbed me shoulders---Come on enjoy the movie.
I smiled at Delisha and said---Danish is very handsome and good
person. Heaven has made you two with ultimate perfection.
---Come
on.
You
are
too
much
emotional.
That amorous beautiful pair, reminded me of him, for one second. I
shook my head involuntarily, when I thought of the Schindlers list
movie incident.
Pushpanjali and Sankho reached together, but our leader Debobroto
was nowhere in the scene.
I looked at the poster it was screening Cliffhanger of Sylvester
Stallone.
Teesta looked at Sankho and teased him---Is Pushpanjali is with
you?
He was a quiet timid guy so he smiled and blushed---Actually she
lives
near
my
house
so
we
came
together.
I asked Pushpanjali as where was Rajat. She shook her head---How
can I know?
Delisha whispered in my ears---Dont tell; they had a huge fight
yesterday.
I looked at her---What, were they seeing each other? I didnt know
that an undercurrent of love was flowing between Rajat and
Pushpanjali.
After sometime, Debobroto came along with Rajat in tow. They were
smoking cigarette.
As soon as he saw Danish and Tirthankar, he screamed---Hey, today
brother-in-laws are going to give us the treat. Come on.
We
all
laughed.
Danish
bought
the
tickets.
We took our seats. Teesta was on my right and Pushpanjali was on my
left. On Pushpanjalis left it was Debobroto instead of Rajat. On
Teestas right, Tirthankar was seated. The movie started.
As the scenes progressed I felt someone touching my back, the
exposed upper back, beneath my bun. I looked back in anger and I
was totally taken aback to find Tirthankar was grazing his fingers on
my exposed skin.
My ears burnt and I clenched my jaws. I felt being molested with that
touch. That shameless devious person was caressing my exposed back
while his girlfriend was sitting next to him with her arms on his chest.
I leaned forward.
Pushpanjali noticed that and asked me as what has happened. I shook
my
head
to
say
her
that
nothing
has
happened.
After sometime I looked back. His hand was not there, so I leaned
back on the seat again. As soon as I leaned back, I felt those lewd
fingers on my bun again. I was furious by his gestures. I leaned
forward
again
and
that
time
Debobroto
noticed
me.
He looked back on the seat and he clenched his jaws. He outstretched
his arms behind Pushpanjalis back and rested on my seat.
I sensed that some fight would start now, as I knew Debobroto was
hot
headed.
Same
time
I
was
smiling
inside.
As I expected so it happened. Tirthankars finger touched Debobrotos
palm and he clutched his hand.
In the midst of the hall, Debobroto growled at Tirthankar---Come out,
we need to talk.
Teesta was unaware of all the activities so she gave a bewildered look
at Debobroto and Tirthankar and me.
---What happened?
Tirthankar palm was still in Debobrotos clutch. He said---Nothing just
nothing. I was caressing Teestas back and may be it touched hers.
I knew that he was telling lie, his touches were deliberate.
I stood up from my seat and said---I am not going to watch, I am
going.
Debobroto growled at Tirthankar---You swine, son-of-bitch walk
outside with me.
Danish was sitting next to Tirthankar. He and Delisha looked at me
and
asked
as
what
has
happened.
I said that I was not feeling well so I was going out.
Debobroto was furious then as he saw me standing. He pulled up
Tirthankar
from
his
seat
by
force.
---You swine, are you coming out or I will kill you here.
Teesta was unable to understand as what all was happening.
I told her---I am not feeling well. I am going home.
I walked out alone. Debobroto and Rajat also came out after me. They
asked me as what actually has happened.
I told them---I am not feeling well my ears were burning in shame
as if some has raped in broad daylight. I wiped the corner of my eyes;
those
tears
were
not
hidden
from
Debobroto.
After few minutes, Delisha and Danish also came out. Danish asked
me also the same question. When Debobroto told him Tirthankars
activities, he was furious. After few more minutes, Teesta walked out
with Pushpanjali. My face burnt in anger the moment I saw Teesta.
Debobroto shouted at her---Keep your swine under chain. You bitch.
If he ever comes in front of me again, I promise that I will kill him.
Teesta gave a fiery look at Debobroto and said to him---Mind your
language.
I said to Teesta---Think of a situation, if same incident happened to
you what you would have done?
Teesta said---It was not a deliberate action. It was by fluke.
I wiped my lips with the back of my hand as it had already gone dry
with
anger---You
better
know
what
you
are
hiding.
Teesta took my hand in hers and apologized---If something of that
sort has happened, then I will deal with him. I am sorry for what has
happened.
I
apologize
to
you.
Now
please
come
in.
I was in no mood after that incident to go inside so I said---No. I
want to go back home. I paused for few seconds and then continued--Once my ChotoMa cautioned me that friends are hard to find in this
world
and
I
should
judge
before
getting
close.
We both understood that a crack has developed in our friendship. We
both
gave
a
painful
glance
at
each
other.
Delisha
hugged
me
and
consoled
me---Let
her
go.
She looked at Teesta and said---Someday you will understand that
how
your
careless
nature,
destroyed
your
surroundings.
On hearing those words from Delishas lips, tears rolled down Teestas
cheeks.
Danish came to me and said---Come on Apa. Leave her. Let us goto
my house, Ammii will be very happy to see you. My eldest sister has
not
come
home
in
last
three
years.
Delisha also pleaded me to visit her future in-laws house.
I smiled at them and said---Ok. But I need to inform Babu.
I called Babu and informed that I would return late as I was going out
with my friends. He didnt object but cautioned me as every dotting
father does for his child. Sometimes I find hard to understand ChotoMa
and Babu.
We walked out of the hall, Teesta stood there alone in the portico of
the theatre alone and lost.
Debobroto
asked
Danish
that
where
his
residence
was?
Delisha asked him---Are you going with us? She joked at him---You
are not invited.
Come on he laughed at Danish No brother. I am also not feeling
well actually.
He
shook
hand
with
Danish
and
left
us.
Danishs residence was at Khiddirpore. We all boarded a taxi.
On the way, I asked Danish---Who is going to drop me back home?
Danish was sitting on the front row. He looked back over his shoulder
and said to me---I will take my brothers car and we both will drop
you at your place.
It was already evening. His residence was in a lane. The entrance was
a small one, but after I entered, I found the rooms and house
beautifully decorated.
A woman in her early fifties greeted us and hugged Delisha. His
mother was overjoyed to see her future daughter-in-law. She looked
at me and paused for few seconds.
She asked Danish---Who is this?
Delisha answered---This is my friend Suchismita. We both are in
same stream.
I bent to touch her feet. She rubbed her soothing palms on my head
and said---You remind me of Saima, Danishs eldest sister.
She let out a deep exhale from her chest and said---I have not seen
my daughter for a long time. We only talk on phone. I just console my
heart with the voice of my child.
She gave me some dish made up of pulses and meat, to eat. It was
the first time I tasted any dish like that. Delisha explained that the
dish
was
called
as
Halim.
It
tasted
good.
I stayed there for few hours and her mother asked about me and all.
Babu called after sometime so as to keep a tab about my
whereabouts. I sensed that I was getting late for home and I should
go
so
I
asked
Danish
to
drop
me.
Before returning, his mother presented me silver coin with some
calligraphic inscription on it.
On the return way back, Delisha explained me that the inscription was
a name of their Messenger.
That day, I was very much perturbed due to all the incidents that
happened with me.
My
disturbance
was
clearly
depicted
on
my
face.
During the dining hour, ChotoMa asked me as what happened. I kept
quiet. She asked me again, I told her that I would divulge all those
details to her alone.
So after diner she came to my room and asked me---What happened
to
you?
Who
has
done
what
with
you?
How could she know that someone has done something with me?
was my first reaction when I heard her question. Then I thought that
she was my ChotoMa and a mothers heart easily fathoms whatever
turbulence runs in her childs mind.
I told her everything and sobbed out. She asked me to be careful while
dwelling with persons.
She cautioned me again---Thats why I caution you time and again,
that you should know the nature of the people before you make
friendship
I
am
sorry
ChotoMa,
I
sobbed
profusely.
---You need not feel sorry, but from next time try to avoid persons
trying to get closer to you.
Days passed. The ripples around me were unable to touch me or move
me in any sense. The distance between Teesta and me, widened
further. I could feel that, most of the people were also avoiding her
mainly Delisha and Pushpanjali.
The Holi festival came. A year before that day, I was very much
happy. A year before that day, I was in my native place. I enjoyed Holi
with my friends. I anxiously waited for the next Holi to spend with him.
A Holi I wanted to remember for lifetime, which never occurred in my
life.
Just like any normal day, that day I bathed in the morning and offered
Puja in the puja room.
ChotoMa and Babu asked me whether any of my friends would be
visiting me or not. I said them that no one would visit me.
I offered them my regards by applying the coloured powder on their
feet and they blessed me. All the colours from my life were gone. Both
of my guardians understood the pain in my heart but kept quiet.
ChotoMa applied the coloured powder on my forehead and blessed me.
For the whole day, I kept myself busy in reading books and doing
house chores. I used to do all the house chores whenever I was at
home. I used to keep myself engaged to the brim so as keep away the
thoughts away from my head.
Next day when I went to college, I found colours on every ones face
and hand. Everyone asked me as what kept me away from the festival
of colours. How could I tell them that all the colours from my life were
gone?
After the college was over I was about to walk out of the class.
Debobroto came to me and asked---From the very first day I noticed
that you are not like any other girls. Several times I thought to ask
you as what has happened but very aptly you dodged my queries.
I nodded my head and smiled at him---Nothing happened. I have got
allergy to the colours. Rashes develop on my skin so I dont play Holi.
---I am not asking about Holi. But after that day, you took away the
letter you went in confinement.
I am trying to take myself out from that confinement Debobroto. I
said to him. My beloved sister-in-law passed away and that shook me
from my core.
He smiled mischievously at me; his right hand was behind---May I
help
you
to
pull
out
of
your
confinement?
Then all of a sudden, he poured a handful of coloured powder on my
face.
I was angry; I was hurt, I was furious. Just a year back, I dreamt of
that moment to spend with him.
I held his hand and pushed that aside and yelled at him---WHAT are
you doing? Leave me.
He rubbed his fingers on my cheeks. My cream cheeks were smeared
with red coloured powder.
Come on Mita. It is just a festival of colours. Everyone drown
themselves in the colour of their life. He joked at me and tried to
pursue me.
Please dont do this type of tricks with me. There was quiver in my
voice when I said those words to him. He did not understand the
underlying pain of my heart.
He looked in my eyes, contracted his brows---There is something
inside which I am missing. One day I will definitely try to get that
Suchismita out of Mita.
I shook my head and told to myself No one can bring out the real
Suchismita from Mita, except him. Only he can unveil his Paree. Else
I
asked
him---Can
I
ask
you
one
question?
He smiled at me and said---I am ready to give any answer Mita. Just
ask.
---Why havent you courted Teesta, when you were in college.
He was surprised by my question. He was not expecting that from me.
He gave a queer look at me and asked---I didnt expect this question
from you. I thought of something else.
I shook my head and told to myself I know what you were

anticipating.
Still I asked him again---Why havent you courted Teesta, when you
liked her very much?
He shook his head and faced away---No that is past. She did not
understand my underlying love. She always thought that those were
mere friendly gestures.
So you have a soft corner still in your heart for her? Suddenly I
threw that question to him.
He shook his head again---Come on! That is past. It will not come
back to me again. I want to see my future in front of my open eyes.
He looked into my deep dark eyes and expressed his apologies for
hurting me. He asked me to wash my face. Before leaving for home, I
washed my face in the restroom.
No colours other than his; should be on my face or in me.
The summers were approaching. Every day I walked down a lonely
barren road; bereft of any shades. I remembered the first day, I
stepped into his domain. I came to his house, to live with ChotoMa. On
that day, I thought that I entered the house forever. On that day, I
was not aware of the fact that after few months we would get
separated.
I was prepared to leave my college after the classes were over. I
thought to take a walk alone through the lanes between the
bookshops.
While I walked through those lanes and by lanes between those
bookshops of College Street, I remembered that he told me that there
were Eight thousand six hundred and twenty two book shops here. I
smiled
on
remembering
those
words.
I was very much engrossed in my thoughts as I walked.
I was about to cross the street when I was pulled out of the street by
someone.
Debobroto yelled at me---What are you doing? You would have been
killed.
I regained my senses. A speeding bus just crossed few centimeters
away from me. I gave a horrific look at him. My heart thumped loud. I
tried
to
catch
my
breath
by
clasping
my
chest.
Do you have any sense when you cross the road? Do you want to
die? he kept shouting at me.
I looked at him with my big eyes.
After I regained my composure I told him---God is not to so merciful
to take me away.
He held my upper arm in his grip and pulled me on the footpath.
---I
want
to
talk
to
you
in
length
and
breadth.
I contracted my brows and asked---What do you want to know? I
have nothing to tell you. Why cant you leave me alone? Please.
He loosened his grip and nodded his head---Ok. So I am not your
friend. Right?
The bunch of lock came over my face. I moved that bunch away,
tucked that tuft behind my right ear, and said---You are definitely my
friend. But Debobroto, I have nothing to say to you.

He gave a painful look at me. I was unable to look at his face so I
looked down to hide my pains which were about to drip from the
corner of my eyes. There was huge vacuum inside my chest. I tried to
fill
that
vacuum
with
a
deep
breath.
I could sense that Debobroto was trying to delve in my domain. He
wanted to see my smiling face or to come closer to me. But I kept
myself well confined in a high wall. I did not let any fresh air to dwell
in my heart.
Just before the summer break in May, one night I gathered all my
courage to call Suprotim Da to know about him. If he would have
called him then they would have discussed about me.
I
dialed
the
number
and
Ritika
picked
up.
First reaction of Ritika---How are you doing? I heard that you are
getting married?
No I almost screamed, Those were words of Babu only. Not mine.
I pressed my phone to my ears, clutched the front fabric of my night
gown, and asked her.
---Has he called? Is there any news of him?
Ritika paused for a second and then answered---Yes he called few
days ago. He was still in Israel.
My heart experienced an intense thump. He has called so he was
surely concerned about me.
My voice got choked as I asked her---What did he say?
I closed my eyes, bit my lower lips under my upper jaws, and stopped
breathing.
---He will contact you somehow. He will not be calling to your
landline. If he calls next time I will give him your mobile number.
My eyes got flooded as I heard her say that he has not lost his faith.
My voice quivered, I expressed my humble gratitude to her.
She sensed that from my sobbing sounds---Dont cry, Paree. He did
not believe a single word of your Babu. That was an agonizing reaction
when he left India. Every persons first reaction would be like that,
Paree. Try to understand his feelings also. But he called only once
after he left India, I dont know when he will call again.
I bit my lower lips and lay on the bed on my back. I pressed my phone
on my lips and kissed.
---I am very, very thankful to you.
I wanted to know as where he was working so I asked---What is he
doing?
She answered---He is in IT industry. Currently he is working in a
junior engineer post. The way he is devoting all his strength, he will
surely climb up the ladder very fast.
The vacuum went away from my heart. I smiled peacefully just by
knowing that he was there standing alone with his open arms to greet
me.
I was roaming inside Arcadia walking on a green path, surrounded by
lots of flowers. The aroma of rose and dew drops were purifying the
breeze around me. I could hear the sweet chirps of nightingales,
bulbuls, Loras and waxwings around me. I saw a milky white unicorn
trotting slowly towards me from the bend of the path ahead. I was
dressed in a free flowing white silk robe with flowers on my head and
wrist. My jade black long tress was flowing all along the path behind
me. My bangles and necklace all were made up of flowers of white and
red in colour. I could feel my huge translucent colourful wings flutter
on my back.
I tried to fly, I tried to flutter my wings with all my strength, but there
was some invisible force that bonded me with the green grass. I
looked at my ankles; a green rope of grass was tied to my ankles. The
unicorn was approaching me very slowly. I cried out to the Unicorn
Cut
the
grass
rope.
I
want
to
fly
with
you.
I woke up, I was sweating profusely. My bosoms were heaving. A huge
torrential storm just passed inside my chest. I lost myself in the dream
again, What was that?
I heard a knock on my door. ChotoMas frightened voice could be
heard from the other end of the door---SOHNA MA what happened?
I was panting very hard. I tried to catch breath and to answer her
utter concerned query.
I opened the door; the soft light of dawn was flooding the drawing
room.
I
said
her---Nothing
ChotoMa,
just
a
bad
dream.
She rubbed my face, wiped my forehead with the loose end of her sari.
Affectionate concerns were dripping from her sleepy eyes.
I told you not to shut the door, Paree. She sobbed out.
I came back to my bed. I thought of the dream. When I was able to
decipher the underlying meaning of that dream, I sat there in sheer
horror. I turned to a stone statue. Tears rolled down. I looked out of
the window. The soft rays of dawn were dancing near my feet. Stone
cold feet of the fairy who tried to fly but could not. I would never be
able to know whether that Unicorn was able to free the fairy or not. I
would never be able to know whether that fairy flew from Arcadia or
remained there as an ivory effigy.
The ten ounce heart rolled; rolled over the plains, rolled over the
mountains, rolled over by the bank of the rivers, rolled under those
high pine and cedar trees.
Rolled over and over, so as to gather no moss.
Story of the thief (#1)
Chapter 7: Story of the thief
The
summer
break
was
around
the
corner.
One day; during the dinner ChotoMa asked me---I was thinking of
going to some hill-station this summer break. Which place would you
prefer, Paree?
I took a deep breath and looked at ChotoMa. I shook my head---I
dont want to goto any hill-station.
Why? Babu asked, You love hills.

Yes I do love hills. He made me love hills. If he is not with me, then
the flowers also sting as thorn to me. I did not say those words to
him. Instead I answered---I would like to spend time with my Mom.
ChotoMa nodded her head and said Ok, next year we would surely
take a trip to some hill-station. Preferably Kausani or Naninital or
beyond that.
I veiled my agony inside my chest and asked---Do I have to go with
you next year? I joked at them---Now you two should go alone and
enjoy the old times.
Babu said---You are the only child I have now. How could we leave
you alone here?
Does his voice choked while saying those words? Probably no.
---If you dont want to go then we also wont go anywhere.
The dining time became heavy with emotions. I did not want to go to
hill-stations without him. ChotoMa and Babu will not leave me alone
and enjoy any trip.
To break the running emotions, I said playfully---ChotoMa. Next year
we will go to some hill-station.
She smiled at me---Thats my child.
I asked ChotoMa in childish voice---ChotoMa I want a walkman.
Babu told me in his affectionate tone---Why walkman? It is small,
ShonaMa. If you love to hear songs, then on next birthday we will buy
you a thousand watt Sony deck.
I
felt
like
hugging
Babu
and
kiss
his
bald
head.
He sensed what I meant to express and he laughed at ChotoMa--See, my daughter is smiling again.
I was happy again, but there was an underlying fear that crept parallel
to that joy inside my heart. Days passed there were no calls neither
there was any letters. However, I did not lose my hope.
I went to my native place during my summer break. That time Babu
went with me. He told me that he want to visit my native place after a
long time. I was very much uncomfortable to go with Babu as he was
a very calm and quiet person, although he loved me very much.
All the way to my native place, Babu was very quiet. I could not
fathom
what
all
was
going
inside
his
head.
We reached my native place by the evening. My Mom was surprised to
find Babu along with me. She was flabbergasted to find him at her
doorsteps.
The
whole
house
rumbled
on
his
arrival.
Especially Maithili and Meghna Boudi were unable to understand as
how to show concern. I was all smiling inside my heart by observing
their restlessness.
I told my Mom---Ma, he is only my Babu. Why are you all feeling so
restless?
My
Mom
said
---I know Ma.
to
me---He
is
respectable
person.
He has come to my house after long, long time Her voice was filled
up with gratitude.
Babu looked at my Mom and said---I have come to discuss few things
with you.
Suddenly a gush of blood raced to my head. I gave a pleading look at
Babu Please dont devastate my life. I clutched my Moms arms and
whispered to her ears---What are you going to discuss?
She looked at me and assured me---Dont worry. He has come to
discuss something for your better only.
She called Sumanto Da and Shasanko Da.
Both Meghna Boudi and Maithili asked Babu---This discussion can
happen tomorrow also.
Babu smiled at them---No. Dear. He joked---This is after all my inlaws house. I cant spend a night here.
Mom veiled her pains and said to him---Arjun. Do not say those
words at least. We can surely talk about that tomorrow morning.
He said---Tomorrow morning I have some work. So I have to return
tonight.
They all went inside a room. I went to my room to keep my luggage.
All the time they were discussing, whatever be it, I was having huge
turbulence inside my chest---What if Babu talks about my marriage?
What
if
Babu
speaks
about
him
and
our
affair?
I silently sat on my bed, looked outside the window. It was dark
outside. Maithili knocked at my door---May I come in?
Chapter 7: Story of the thief (#2)
After
a
long,
long
time
she
spoke
to
me.
I smiled back at her. I asked her---How are you doing?
She
smiled
back---Am
doing
fine.
How
about
you?
I veiled my anxiety as what could be her intentions and told her---My
College is going good. I have lots of friends. My studies are going
well.
She sat beside me and placed her palm on mine---I am not asking
about your college, Paree.
I looked at her. There was no sight of revenge or anger in her eyes. It
was filled up with affectionate love. Her gaze melted my heart.
My chest quivered a bit. Bosoms heaved. I asked her---What do you
want to know?
She placed her palm on my cheek and I went jelly inside my chest. I
pressed her palm on my cheeks to feel her warmth.
How is he? she asked.
He is fine. He is in New Delhi. when I answered that, I knew by my
heart that he was fine.
I was skeptical at that point of time Should I tell her about the mess
that happened? Should I ask her for help? What if she was playing
with me? Only he could duel with hers venomous captivity.
She talked on about her days in my house. We chatted for long time.
But I didnt mention anything of our mess as what had happened. I
concealed that.
After sometime, my Mom came to my room and informed me that
Babu was leaving.
I came downstairs. He had finished his dinner already.
He told me that my ChotoMa would come to take me back after the
summer break. I bent to touch his feet before he left.
I asked him---What have you told to my Mom and brothers?
He placed his palm on my head and said---Whatever it was, it was for
your future and it was for your well being. Your Mom will tell you in
details.
After dinner I went to my Moms room and asked her---What has
Babu told to you all?
She was folding her beetle leaf. She looked at me ---Your Babu loves
you very much. Right?
Yes I nodded my head.
---He came to ask that whether our property has been mutated or
not.
My first reaction was that, Was he a mean person eyeing my
property? After all he was not my father. I asked her---What that to
do with him?
---He wanted to know, if this property is mutated or not and do you
have any share, which you have. He wanted to sell that part and
deposit the whole amount in a fixed-deposit in your name. So that if
you want to pursue further studies or after your marriage, your future
could be secured.
A deep breadth came out of my chest, a huge boulder moved.
Sometimes I failed to understand properly my Babu and ChotoMa.
Were they over concerned about me or every parents are like that
about their daughters?
I was about to goto bed, Dushtu entered my room. He gave an
annoying look at me.
I walked to him, patted his soft chubby cheeks, and asked him as what
happened?
His voice was quiet upset---Why Abhi uncle didnt come?
I ruffled his hair and smiled at him---Oh! Due to that only you are
angry?
Yes he looked at me as if he would burn me then and there. I will
not talk to you.
I laughed and pulled him on my lap---Come on. I also know very
good stories, all about prince and princess.
He shook his juvenile head in displease---I know all the stories of
prince
and
princess.
I
want
to
hear
new
stories.
I told to myself From where could I bring your Abhi uncle, dear. I am
also searching for him.
Next day morning, I went to Kalyanis house. I wanted my Optics
Notebook badly.
She gave a surprising look at my beaming face---When did you
reached here? You are looking different this time, have got any news
of Abhi?
I felt like dancing with her. My lungs was about to burst to express my
feelings that he would try to communicate with me anyhow.
I held her hand in my grip and said to her---I called Ritika. He called
them and said that he didnt believe a single word what Babu said to
him. He will try to contact me.
I outstretched my arms and twirled. I almost screamed in joy---I am
very happy that he has not lost his faith on me.
Her eyes dazzled on hearing my words. She looked at me and gently
patted my cheeks.
---You naughty girl! Full of emotions. Your life is just like a rollercoaster.
She handed me my Optics Notebook. I pressed that diary to my
chest and tried to drown every word written in that in my blood and
flesh.
What are you going to
I told her---Now I will write.
do
with
this?
she
asked
me.
From that night, I started writing my memoirs in that Optics

Notebook. He was good in English, I wrote my memoirs in Bengali. At
times, I felt hard to understand his words. I had to look into Webster
Dictionary that Babu bought for me.
I wrote about my days, after he left. I wrote about my college days.
My anxieties, my faiths, about my friends and lots more. That night I
wrote everything I experienced in last ten months. With every
sentence I wrote, I told to myself I will read this to you when we get
old.
When I finished writing about those past ten months, the dawn was
approaching the east horizon. When I fell asleep, I did not know. I
slept on the writing table.
I woke up when I heard a knock on my door. I opened my eyes and
found me on the writing table with that Optics Notebook still opened.
I
hurriedly
kept
that
along
with
my
other
books.
I did not want that to be seen by any persons, who might cause
problem in our love.
After demise of Parvati Boudi, Sumanto Da talked very less with
persons. He does not have any children so he tried to shower all his
love to the only child in the house, Dushtu. Every evening he used to
bring sweets after he returned from fields. He used to take him of his
shoulders and take him to the fields.
One night he came to my room. I was reading my notes and preparing
few papers for my next exam. He knocked on my door. I looked over
my shoulder as I was sitting in front of the table with my back towards
the door. There was a wooden box in his hand. I remembered that
box, that box contained all the gold jewelries of her beloved wife.
I asked him---What is this?
Your sister-in-law asked me to give this to you. His looked at me and
said.
He came near me and placed his palm on my head. He wiped the
corner
of
his
eyes
and
handed
me
the
box.
I asked him---What are you going to do? You look very sullen and
tired.
He gave a blank look at the ceiling fan which was circling at its full
speed over head.
---I have thought of something. I am waiting for your marriage.
I bit the pen between my teeth and looked at his eyes. What was he
thinking? I tried hard to understand those hidden pain and waited
anxiously for his answer.
He smiled painfully at me and went away, leaving me in deep thought
What was he going to do?
Days passed, Mom asked me every day about him. One day I asked
her as why she was so much concerned about him.
She answered---Why cant I be? After all he is my best grandson. By
the way, every time I ask you about him, you try to dodge the
question. Where is he?
I looked the other side and said to her---He has gone to Delhi. I was
bit annoyed as everyone asked me the same question again and again.
How could I know, where he was? Even I was waiting for some news.
My Mom said to me---Ok, I have not heard his voice for a long, long
time. Why dont you call him? I want to talk to him.
I
held
my
breath
What
should
I
tell
her
now?
Very slowly, I turned my face; my Moms gaze was piercing me. I
muttered some courage to answer her---He is actually out of India.
She touched my cheeks and asked---You are telling the truth or
hiding something.
I calmed down myself---No I am telling the truth. If he calls next time
I will let him know your number and ask him to call you.
Although I was not sure that time that what type of communication
would I receive from him.
I thought to know the reaction of my Mom about my love, whether she
would approve our relation or not. But I was skeptical about asking the
question directly. If he would have been there, he would surely
managed the situation and give me some hints as how to approach.
Since he was not there so I started to think like him. I had to twist the
query to know my mothers reaction.
I took a deep breath; my chest was pulsating faster than usual. I sat
beside my Mom and hugged her.
She asked me---What happened to my Paree? Do you want to ask me
something?
I shook my head Yes Mom.
She looked at my face and said---Tell me one thing, did your Babu
had a fight with Abhimanyu?
I was taken aback by her query. Did she sensed something about us
or did Babu tell her something?
Suddenly my heartbeat stopped---Why are you asking this?
---I asked your Babu about Abhimanyu. He did not answer my
questions. He only said that Abhimanyu has gone to New Delhi for his
job and he is very busy now-a-days.
I held my breath, my ears turned red. I clasped my night gown in a
tight fist to control my angst and anxiety.
I controlled my voice---No Ma, they didnt had any fight. He has gone
for his job after his graduation.
She put the beetle in her mouth---He could have searched for job in
Kolkata. Why he had to goto Delhi?
You wont understand Ma. I embraced her with my arms around her
neck In Kolkata there is no IT, I mean computer organization where
he could find any proper job. Thats why he has gone to Delhi.
She rubbed her palms on my cheek and asked---You were to ask me
something. What was that?
I forgot what I was to ask, instead I asked her---Ma, what did he told
you on the last day. Last time he came with me.
Her brows contracted and she looked at me as if asking, Why do you
want to know that?
She pulled up my chin and her eyes pierced deep into my soul---Tell
me the truth that he has not left for Delhi only for his job.
The bubble busted inside my chest. I could feel the tremble inside my
heart and soul. My ears turned red and the nose tip fluttered. My lips
quivered. No child can hide anything from their mothers sight.
I bit my lower lips as my eyes got flooded. I closed my eyes to hear
her reactions. She placed her palm on my head and pressed it to her
shoulder.
I
hugged
Mom
with
all
my
strength.
She understood everything as my tears soaked her shoulder. She let
those tears flow. My back heaved. She pulled me slowly to her front
and
asked
me
to
sleep
with
her
that
night.
I placed my head on her lap and she combed my braids with her old
fingers.
---Something is very hard to accept Paree. I wanted to see you
happy. But that would come like this, I never dreamt of.
She rubbed her soothing palm over my heaving back and continued--There are many things that our society finds it hard to accept.
I sobbed out---What shall I do Ma?
---Time will heal. You have to accept what is to come.

I cried out softly---Why Ma, why? I accepted whatever came in life
without any question. I never blamed you or my sisters, for being
indifferent with me.
She was quiet for a long time. Then she said---I need some time to
think,
Paree.
I
am
unable
to
think
anything
now.
I almost screamed at her---No ma I want to know now. What shall I
do?
She combed my braids and asked me to goto sleep. I could not sleep
that night. Then my Mom was also aware of the whole fact. I was
living in a shear anxiety as what would happen next. What if Mom
doesnt approve? What if she asks ChotoMa directly as what had
happened? Several thousands of queries ran inside my chest.
I also sensed that my Mom was also unable to sleep. She turned and
tossed on the bed.
The dawn was round the horizon. She turned towards me---You
havent slept for the whole night.
No
how
could
I?
I
answered
in
a
calm
voice.
I think your ChotoMa and Babu is very much offended about the
incident. They are furious as of now. She sat up on the bed and
looked outside.
The twilight of the dawn peeked behind those mango-groves.
She went on---You finish your M.Sc. now. Let Abhimanyu contact you.
Let me give sometime and give sometime to them also. Time heals
lots of pains. Gradually you will understand and your ChotoMa will also
understand. You need to understand her pains also. She let her only
son to wander in this cruel world so that you could pursue your
studies. Let the proper time come.
I wiped my face and spoke in a calm voice---ChotoMa and Babu love
me very much and that I know by my heart. But she wont let down
her prestige and her ego.
She let out a deep breath and looked at my face---Paree, there is no
medicine better than time. Time heals every scar; internal or external.
You promise me, that till your M.Sc. is finished you are not going to
say any word about this. We cant change our fate, but we can try.
After you finish M.Sc. and he comes back to India. Ask him to meet
me. Then I will see what I can do.
I hugged my Mom with all my strength. She was huge pillar of support
for me. I cried and cried.
Her eyes were also flooded. She sobbed out---I should have
understand that day only, when he came in my Puja room asked me
for my doll.
She patted my cheeks and kissed my forehead---Now smile and
promise
to
keep
quiet
till
your
studies
are
finished.
I was very much happy after that day, my Mom approved our relation.
I got the strength to fight. My heart was filled up with utter happiness.
Lost colours came back on my face. I felt my creamy cheeks to turn
rosy with every passing day. The huge vacuum was gone from my
chest. One evening I was walking near the fields adjacent to my
backyard. The mango trees were full of ripe yellow mangoes and few
green ones. Jackfruits were dangling from the tree trunk. The pink
bulbous litchis were beautifying the trees around me. The mixed
aroma of all the fruits were making me intoxicated. The cold breeze
was blowing from the pond nearby. I walked slowly towards the
mango tree he planted. My hair was blown all over my face as soon as
I touched the tree. I felt his touch on my cheek. I looked up the tree;
greenish yellow mangoes were all over there behind those leaves. I
wrapped my arms around that tree and kissed the trunk.
I
whispered
to
its
trunk---He
is
coming
for
you.
After that response from my Mom, I was in seventh heaven. I
suppressed my feelings very hard inside my chest. I did not want to
spill those excitements to all over the place. I wanted the time to
arrive. Maithili also felt that my face had regained all those lost smile.
One evening I was on the roof, eating a mango. I felt a tap on my
shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and found Maithili stood behind
me. She smiled sweetly at me and asked---You are looking very
happy.
Why cant I be happy? I contracted my brows I have come to my
house. So I am happy.
She asked---Seems that you have got news of Abhimanyu.
I nodded my head---Yes. I lied to her purposefully.
---I have something to ask you.
I was anticipating that question from a long time, so I nodded my
head Ask.
She looked towards her feet---Your brother was asking about the
tape. Is that still with you?
I laughed inside by observing her coy face---No, it is not with me. It
is with him.
I touched her shoulder---Why are you worrying about those.
She smiled painfully at me---I fear his arrogant nature.
---What do you want me to do?
Her eyes were still at her feet, she was scratching the roof with her
toes---Ask him what does he wants from us?
I looked the other way and said her---He is currently out of India.
Whenever he will call me I ask him. By the way, you remember what
you were told.
She nodded her head.
I assured her---Next time he contacts me, I will give him the
telephone number of our house. You can directly talk to him.
A strong sense of courage was flooding in my chest after my Mom
assured me.
Every night before I went to bed, Dushtu would come and ask me for a
story. I used to read him those nonsense poems written by him. He
used to laugh. He used to ask me as who has written those poems. I
told him that his Abhi uncle wrote those poems and stories when he
was young.
Days passed. The summer break was coming to an end.
In the mean time, ChotoMa called me and told me that she would
come to take me back. Mom was bit sad on hearing that I had to go.
I hugged Mom and said her---This time why dont you come to stay
with us?
She gave a painful look---You have Ulupi, your ChotoMa with you. But
my eldest son has none. I have to look after him also.
On the penultimate night, Dushtu came as usual to listen to stories.
In his usual childish voice, he asked me---Promise me that next Puja,
you will bring Abhi Uncle along with you.
I smiled sweetly at him and assured him---Surely I will bring him. But
on one condition.
He gave a queer look at me.
I ruffled his silky hair---Tell me the story your Abhi Uncle told you.
He kissed me on my cheek---O, that story.
He scratched his scalp and the laughed at me---I dont remember
that.
I gave a veiled displeasing look at him---Then your Abhi uncle will not
come.
And
I
started
to
tickle
him
all
over.
He laughed and laughed---Ok, ok. I will tell you that story.
He took my left arm in his clutch, while I combed his silky hair.
He started to tell that story, once he told to Dushtu.
---Long time ago, there was a fairy godmother who lived in a hut
surrounded by huge trees on one side and green fields on the other
side. There was a small pond on the backside of her hut. Her days
passed by nurturing the flowers and plants that beautified her small
garden in front of her hut. Then one day that fairy godmother saw a
small lotus bud in a pond. The bud was not growing at all even after
several days. So the fairy godmother plucked the lotus bud and
brought that to her hut. She kept that bud in a glass utensil. She
poured honey, dew, and milk in that utensil to grow that bud.
One beautiful morning, she woke up only to find that the lotus bud was
gone. A baby fairy was lying in that utensil. The baby fairy was
glowing in the rays of morning sun. Her skin complexion was of golden
honey in colour. She had two little wings on her back. Her ten little
fingers were rubbing the side of the glass utensil. She was trying to
get out. Her hair was of jade black in color. Her pair of small eyes was
twinkling in the soft rays of sun. She was babbling all sweet baby
nothings.
Fairy godmother cried in happiness that that lotus bud bloomed into a
baby fairy. She took out that baby fairy out of the utensil and wrapped
her in a white and blue silk cloth. She fed her with honey and dew
every day.
Days passed, the baby grew to a beautiful fairy. Her wings grew
strong. Those were colourful. Colours of peacock and seven rays of
sun were painted on her wings. However, she was not strong enough
to fly. Because fairy godmother never taught her to fly. Fairy
godmother always wanted to keep that young fairy with her, always
forever. She used to play in the sun, on the grass fields. She used to
nurture those flowerbeds in front of her house. She used to drink the
morning dews. She used to take fruits. Honeybees used to bring her
honey every morning.
Her braids grew longer day by day. Those braids flowed on the ground
while she walked. She used to prepare garlands out of the flowers and
tied those in her hair and on her wrists.
I was surprised to hear that story. I was speechless by his
imagination.
Dushtu continued---One night the fairy godmother was not at home.
She was out for some work to finish, in the moonlight. The young
beautiful fairy was inside her hut, looking outside the window to the
dark blue sky and those stars twinkling over head. Suddenly she heard
a noise. She looked around her, but there was no one around. She
quietly opened the door and looked outside. She was very much
surprised to find a milky white unicorn standing at her door and
looking at her. The young fairy could not understand as what to do.
She came near the unicorn and patted him on his neck. The unicorn
neighed. The fairy got frightened at first. But the unicorn rubbed his
neck on the fairys cheek assuring her that he meant her no harm.
She ushered the unicorn into her hut. She looked at the unicorn for a
long time with her big eyes full of amazement. After sometime, she fell
asleep.
The first light of the dawn touched the window of her hut, caressed
gently on her cheek and face. The warmth of the morning sun woke
her up. She was surprised to see a handsome youth sitting in the place
of the unicorn. She was taken aback. She got frightened. She was
about to shriek when the young lad pressed his hand on her lips and
stopped her scream.
She sat there as she felt huge waves inside her chest. She was very
much frightened and how that unicorn vanished and a handsome
youth was sitting at his place.
The young lad spoke at last I am a thief. I can disguise in any form. I
came here to steal the doll from the fairy godmother. But when I saw
you I forgot about the doll. I changed myself into an unicorn to get
into the house.
The young beautiful fairy was listening quietly. The thief asked her Do
you want to fly? Do you want to go beyond those woods? Do you want
to hear how the rivers sing?
Very gently, the fairy nodded her head. She was mesmerized on
hearing his strong deep voice.
The thief wrapped the fairy in a huge cloak and dug the floor of the
hut. They dug under the fields for few days and made a passage
beyond the forest. After few days when they came out of the passage,
the fairy found her beyond the huge forest. There were high snow
peaked mountains in front of her.
The thief asked her Do you want to fly?
The fairy nodded her head Yes.
The thief scooped up the fairy on his lap and threw her in the air. At
first, she fell down, but the thief caught her in his strong arms. Again,
he threw the fairy in the air. This time she fluttered her huge wings.
She floated in the air. She looked down. The thief was walking along
with
her
on
the
ground
following
her
shadow.
The fairy flew to the mountains and the thief followed her shadow to
the mountains.
I held my breath till he finished the last sentence and smiled at me.
He asked me---Do you know the rest part of the story?
I asked him---Why? Does this story end here?
He nodded his head---Yes. He didnt tell what happened next.
I thought about the story, the story of the thief, who stole the fairy
from her godmother and ran to the mountains. He taught the fairy
how to fly. Moreover, after that day the fairy flew in the air, under the
sun over the trees over the green grass. Once the fairy looked down
but could not find the thief there. She thought that the thief might
have gone somewhere and would return. The thief did not return for
long time.
I gently pulled his chubby cheeks and nudged him---Go to sleep now.
Next time when Abhi uncle will come, he will tell you the rest of the
story as what happened to the thief and the fairy.
Chapter 8: Sapling crushed (#1)
Chapter 8: Sapling crushed
ChotoMa came on that day to take me back. My Mom was almost in
tears as she bid good bye.
As usual, Babu sent a car to pick me up. While returning, ChotoMa
asked me as how I spend my holidays. I asked her as what she did
when I was not at home.
She looked at me, rubbed her palm on my head, and said---We both
missed you a lot.
I looked at her face smiling face, hugged her, and nudged my face on
the curve of her shoulder. She asked me---What happened?
---I missed you a lot.
---Ok, your first year exams are coming near. Now onwards, only
study and nothing else.
College started. Days passed. There was no communication received

from him in any sense. With every passing day, I grew more restless.
To overcome that turbulence inside my heart, I dipped myself in my
studies. The day was midweek of July. First year exam results were
declared. I came out with good colours in my mark sheet. Both
ChotoMa
and
Babu
were
happy
by
my
progress.
It was raining from the morning. On that day one year ago, all our
dreams shattered. From the very morning, I observed that Babu and
ChotoMa were acting very indifferent towards me. I sensed that they
were missing their son very much. I understood that I was not their
daughter Why should someone lose their own son due to some
others daughters fault? That day they were very much agitated and
after I returned from college Babu asked for my mobile. I could not
understand at first.
Babu asked me---Paree, can I use your mobile? I have to make a
call.
I was sure that he wanted to check my call-logs so as to find that
whether
I
have
received
any
call
from
him
or
not.
I gave him my mobile and went inside my room to change my dress.
The showers were still pouring from the heaven. Thunders were
rattling the air and the walls of the house. After sometime, ChotoMa
also returned from her school. I was in the kitchen preparing the
dinner.
ChotoMa came to the kitchen after changing her dresses. Her face was
sullen.
She gave a fake smile at me---How are you today?
I shook my head I am fine.
She started to chop the onions along with me. I observed with the
corner of my eyes that she was wiping her eyes frequently. Was that
due to the onions or she was missing her son? I was also missing him
very much that day.
She said in a low voice---Few things in life, we fail to understand why
that happens.
I looked at her, tried to understand as what she wanted to say.
I was not a child, unknown to the facts of this harsh reality of the
world around me. Both ChotoMa and Babu were very quiet during the
dinner. They only asked about my studies and nothing else. Their
perturbed face was killing me. That night I wrote the most painful
thoughts in my Optics Notebook.
---I was a girl, who posses just the opposite nature of Midas touch.
Whatever touches my life turns into stone instead of gold. I was born,
my father passed away. I wanted to pursue my studies which brought
Abhimanyu near me. He went away, squandered off in this world away
from his own parents. ChotoMa and Babu lost their own blood and
flesh. What should I do? Where should I go? Only those eight months,
he was by my side. I felt as if conquering the whole world. I felt the
world at my feet. Now he is gone. Suchismita left her native place as a
Paree. Time transmigrated her to Mita. What more dark nature, the life
has to unfurl before me?
From that day, my reactions for my foster parents started to change.

Gradually the way of their conversation and behavior changed.
Days turned to months but there was no sign of his communication.
Gradually his memoirs were fading away from my mind. The Optics
Notebook came out of the shelf seldom. I dived deep into the abyss of
my life. I wanted to relieve my pains only through my studies. All that
I wanted to do was to study hard and lead a life of own. I did not want
to tie anyones life with my desolate fate. I cursed myself for my life.
On my birthday, I woke up as usual. Mom called in the morning to
wish me good luck. I felt crying when I heard Moms voice over the
telephone. I felt that time that how much alone I was in this world.
Mom asked me---Are you ok?
---Yes I am. I miss you very much.
ChotoMa was near me so I told her---I will call you later Ma. I have to
go to College.
I bathed and entered my room to change my dress. I found a beautiful
gift pack on my bed. I opened that pack. I found a beautiful sky blue
salwar suit. ChotoMa came to my room and I bent to touch her feet.
She placed her palm on my head and asked---Love that dress?
I shook my head Yes, it is beautiful.
---Are you going to take out your friends for any treat?
---I dont know.
---Then return from your college on time. Your Babu will take you to
the
shop
to
buy
you
the
deck
he
promised.
I looked at ChotoMa and said---Whats the need of that? I dont want
that.
She rubbed her palm on my head and said---You are upset.
A huge wave rose from the abyss of my chest and was about to crush
on the shore of my face. I looked the other way to control that wave
and nodded my head.
---I am fine. I am missing my Mom.
She understood everything and let a deep exhale to come out of her
chest.
---Be a good girl. Dont be upset. Today is your birthday. Enjoy
yourself.
She handed me two five hundred rupees note and said---Enjoy with
your
friends,
but
dont
be
late
for
house.
In my college, I had a mixed feeling running inside myself. For the first
time in my college days, I saw Teesta in a beautiful red and yellow
coloured salwar. I smiled at her. She smiled back at me and waved her
fingers. She came and sat beside me. After a long time I felt her
touching my shoulder.
---You are looking beautiful. Happy birthday.
I smiled back at her---How do you know?

---You told once.
I contracted my brows and asked her---What made you to wear
salwar today?
Her
voice
was
low---I
feel
I
should
change
myself.
Debobroto entered the class room and directly came to me and wished
me. He screamed almost---Ufff! Are you going to kill everybody? All
laughed out in the class.
My face turned red in coy. Delisha and Pushpanjali also wished me and
asked
where
I
was
going
to
take
them
out?
Debobroto came near Teesta and whispered in her ears. I heard that
because I was sitting next to Teesta.
---What happened to you? Today you are also looking very different?
She looked at him and said---I just lost myself somewhere in last few
years.
From the voice I fathomed that the old Teesta whom everybody knew,
was not present. May be she died or she was hidden somewhere.
Debobroto
ruffled
her
braids
and
went
away.
After the college all friends surrounded me to treat them.
Rajat and Pushpanjali were adamant to take them to Peter Cat.
I smiled back at them and said---I dont have enough..
Teesta came to my rescue---Why do you worry? Till I am here.
Debobroto said---No outsiders. No Danish no Tirthankar. This time
only friends.
Teesta smiled painfully at him and said Tirthankar is past. She
looked at Delisha and then said Danish is always welcome.
Debobroto joked at her---Really. I was waiting for this moment for a
long time to court you, sexy.
The old frolic Teesta was again out of her den. She started beating
him. The rain started as we came out of the college waiting for the
taxis. We were seven friends and all wanted to go together.
Debobroto said---Hey we cant go in one taxi at least. Else girls have
to sit on the laps.
I shook my head in dismay.
My umbrella stuck and was not opening. Debobroto came near me and
held his umbrella over my head. I looked at him with grateful eyes and
thanked him.
The drizzle has already soaked sides and back of my dress. I tried to
hide my bust by the dupatta.
Just then, I felt Debobroto has left arm on my left shoulder. I felt his
touch like a shock, send goose bumps on my arms. The touch did not
have any lewdness or lecher. It was a friendly loving touch. I looked
around,
Teesta
and
Delisha
was
smiling
at
me.
My creamy bare upper arm touched his left chest. Cold, humid breeze
were blowing around us. I tried to feel the warmth of his palm on my
shoulder. I looked down on the footpath.
Sankho called two taxis.
He
looked
at
me
and
ushered
me
into
the
taxi.
In one taxi, I, Delisha, Teesta, and Debobroto boarded. He sat on the
front seat.
Both of us were very quiet. The touch of his palm, send a string of
thoughts racing in my brain. I looked outside the window. The
raindrops
splashed
continuously
on
the
glass
panes.
Teesta asked me---Why are you so quiet today? You should be happy.
It is your birthday.
Nothing, I miss my Mom, everyday I hid my pains.
Was he coming back? Was there any type of communication he was
going to have with me? I could see the old wooden mast on the
horizon of the ocean. Gradually the old mast was going down the line,
the separator between the blue sky and Prussian sea.
Debobroto was quiet for a long time. I felt that he was also not in his
old composure.
I tried to bring myself out of my confinement and slapped the back of
his head---Hey why are you so quiet?
He smiled back at me---Nothing. He joked at both of us. Today
every girl is in salwar and I am having three most beautiful girls with
me. Huh everyone would be jealous of me I am sure.
Come on at least leave Delisha. Teesta scolded him.
In the restaurant Debobroto sat between me and Teesta. I observe
that Teesta was showing lot of concern about Debobroto. The way she
was talking to him was not the way she used to talk to him.
I asked---What to order?
Teesta---Chello Kebab, what else. Debu, what do you say?
Debobroto was also astonished to hear his short name from Teestas
lips. He contracted his brows and looked at Teesta. She smiled sweetly
at him.
Come
on
dont
give
that
look.
She
smiled
back.
After that we came out. It was still drizzling, that time I could open my
umbrella. I and Teesta were on the same route so we were walking
towards the main road. Debobroto was also walking with us.
Teesta asked him---What are you going to do after M.Sc.?
He shook his head and said---I have not thought of anything yet,
probably a lecturer or do research.
He
asked
her
back---What
are
you
going
to
do?
I am tired of studying. I will settle down after my college she asked
me as what I wanted to do.
I said---I want to be a teacher. Let us see what happens. Ambitions
are always not fulfilled; wishes are not met by fate.
Debobroto looked into my eyes, our eyes met and I felt a deep
writhing pain inside my chest.
He said to me---Why are you so gloom now-a-days? Why is your
voice sounding so cynic today?
Nothing I said.
Teesta stood near to Debobroto as we waited for taxi. Her arms were
touching his arms. I felt the closeness that was brewing inside her. I
restrained
myself
from
some
unknown
vacuum.
We were to board the taxi. I looked back over my shoulder, Teesta still
stood by his side looking at his face. All the while he looked at me and
approached me.
He handed a small box wrapped in a cellophane paper in my hand and
said---A small gift from a demure friend.
I smiled back at him and said---If you are demure then the world is
mute.
Teesta laughed at him and said---Where is my gift?
He scratched his scalp---I dont have the license to gift you. Do I?
I boarded the taxi along with Teesta.
Before the taxi started, she threw some words at him---I will wait for
your gift.
I thought, as the taxi cut through the streets and drove though the
drizzle What was happening to the world around me?
Both of us were very quiet all along the return journey. Both of us lost
in ones thought. She was probably thinking about her future and I
was thinking about my past.
She had to get down before me. When her stoppage came, she got
down.
She looked at me and said---Thank you for the treat. She kissed my
cheek and waved her hand.
The sun already went down. It was getting dark and there was no sign
of rain to stop.
I entered my house. Babu and ChotoMa were waiting for me. I was
surprised to see ChotoMa as she usually returns late from her school.
I asked them---What?
ChotoMa told---I promised you to gift a music system. So hurry up.
Change your dress.
I said---I dont want any music system. I told you beforehand.
She came near me and asked---What happened to you?
I felt a pain and wanted to tell the bitter truth You all have done a lot
for a girl who is not your own. Do not drown me in your debt more. I
wont be able to stand.
Unwillingly I went with them and they gifted me a music system. I
kept that on my reading table. Seldom had I used to hear music.
In the night, when I was alone in my room, I opened the box that
Debobroto presented me. There was a small glass sphere filled up with
transparent liquid. In that glass sphere there were two tiny cute
looking statues of a boy and a girl with entwined arms. I smiled by
looking at that Debobroto what are you asking for I dont have that
with me. I cant give you what I have lost. I packed that sphere back
inside that box and kept that in one corner of my bookshelf.
During the Puja vacation, ChotoMa and Babu requested me to stay
with them in Kolkata. I obliged happily. I never enjoyed puja of
Kolkata before.
On the eve of Puja vacation, ChotoMa and Babu took me to BowBazar
for buying gold jewelries. That time I could not deny them.
On Ashtami morning, Debobroto called and asked whether I would like
to go out with them or not.
I asked---Who all are going?
He told me that all of the friends would be going.
I asked---One car or different cars?
He joked at me---Why? Dont you feel comfortable with me?
I laughed on him---Come on Debobroto. Do not be mischief. I am
asking
so
that
we
can
enjoy.
---Ok I will hire a van or an Innova to take us all.
---Is Teesta coming with us?
---Surely it was her plan to go out.
I asked ChotoMa that I wanted to go out with my friends and will be
late for home. They did not oppose.
I dressed in a simple cream coloured cotton saree with dark green
border. Tied my plaids in a bun; hanging below my nape.
ChotoMa looked at me and almost screamed---What is this Paree?
Today is Ashtami puja and you are dressed like this? What about the
saree that I gave you this Puja?
She presented a beautiful South Indian silk of green and golden
border, on that puja.
I gave a faint smile at her and said---This is ok.
She pushed me inside my room---At least dont be so colour less in
life. Ok I shook my head and changed myself in that gorgeous
saree. It went very well with my cream soft complexion. She came out
with her jewelry box and tied a necklace around my neck.
I looked at ChotoMa and asked her---What the need of this?
She rubbed her palm on my head and said---Nothing. I am looking
how beautiful you are. Enjoy with your friends and keep your mobile
on
all
the
time
so
that
we
can
reach
you.
I nodded my head and said---Oh! ChotoMa I am not a child
anymore. I was dressed in that green coloured silk saree. Hair plaids
ran down till my end of my back. I wore a matching green blouse. Few
gold bangles adorned my thin wrist. Small gold earring dangled
beautifully from my ears. My right lock danced on my right cheek. I
looked at myself in the mirror and smiled Paree you are going to set
fire to Kolkata.
All of a sudden, I felt a touch on my shoulder, a very soft loving touch.
There was no reflection on the mirror but I was sure that I felt that
touch on my shoulder.
Someone whispered in my ears---EVE you are looking gorgeous
today.
I stood there looking at my face, gradually my chest gurgled. My nose
tip turned red. Tears brewed in my eyes. I pressed my palms on my
chest to drowse my pain. I touched my shoulder where I felt his touch
and pressed it on my lips. Just then, my mobile phone rang.
Teesta shouted from the other end---Come on. What are you waiting
for? We are all waiting for the queen bee at the bus stop.
I wiped the corner of my eyes and answered---Wait. I am coming.
ChotoMa looked at me from head to toe and kissed my forehead.
She said to me in her usual affectionate tone---Enjoy with your
friends. I took my brown clutch and walked out.
I reached bus-stop. Teesta was looking very beautiful in her baby pink
silk saree. Short sleeved blouse. A pair of crystal earring was twinkling
from her ears. Her braids were tied in a bun as I did previously. Dark
brown color glued on her pouting lips. A small gold chain tied around
her neck. The rhombus shaped locket dangled at the curve on her
upper chest. For the first time I saw her in saree. She looks beautiful
in all dresses I thought. She ran towards me, hugged me tightly, and
whispered in my ears If I were a boy I would have courted you Mita.
I looked in her naughty eyes and complimented her---You are going
to set fire today not I.
I smiled at Debobroto. He was looking dashing in his black kurta with
golden yellow embroidery all over the collar and front. He was wearing
a pair of cream jeans.
I told to myself Both of them were made for each other, not for me.
He smiled and came near me, whispered in my ears---I will have a
tough
time
to
handle
two
beautiful
ladies.
I told to myself Only one dear. Do not even try to think of me. Cant
you see the love that is dripping from Teestas eyes? What a fool you
are. She has changed a lot.
Instead I slapped his head and said---Dont try to get closer; else we
both will fry you in fry pan.
I asked them---Where are the others?
Teesta winked at me and said---There is no others. We three only are
going out.
I almost screamed at them---WHAT?
Why? Dont you feel secure around me? Debobroto asked me.
I shook my head in dismay. Everything became crystal clear in front of
my eyes as I looked at Teestas loving cute face. Teesta arranged for
the outing with Debobroto and Debobroto asked her whether I could
go along with them or not.
I felt myself laughing after a long time. Teesta was babbling like a
nightingale all the time.
It was night about eleven oclock when we reached Muhammad Ali
Park puja pandal. It was very crowded. I looked at the crowd and said
to Debobroto that I will not go inside.
Teesta gave a pleading look at me and asked to accompany her.
Debobroto said that he does not want to go inside if I were not going.
I stood helpless.
Teesta pleaded again---Please Mita. There will be crowd everywhere.
I told them that I had to make a call. I wanted to call Suprotim Da as
to ask whether he had contacted them or not. Sixteen months passed
without any news of him.
She looked at Debobroto who was still looking at me. I gave a faint
smile at them and asked them to enjoy.
Teesta walked with Debobroto towards the puja pandal, in the crowd.
She held his left arm tightly with her both hands, as if she did not
want to let him go. I smiled at them as they walked towards the
crowded place. All the time Teesta was holding his arm and looking at
his face.
They were about to enter the pandal. Debobroto looked back over his
shoulder
and
stretched
his
right
hand
towards
me.
I took out my mobile and was to call Suprotim Da.
His eyes got a pleading look. He shouted, as there was huge noise all
around---I
am
still
waiting
for
you,
Mita.
I clutched the mobile in my palm and forgot that I had to make a call.
I looked at Teesta. Her eyes were glistening, but there was a smile on
her lips. She looked at me. Her eyes told me many things. I shook my
head What are you doing Debobroto? Are you really so blind?
I slowly walked towards them and patted on his back---You wont
change Debobroto?
He
joked
at
me---Why
do
I
need
to
change?
Teesta whispered For my sake Debu. Her words, drowned in the loud
blaring noise. It did not reached Debobrotos ears but it reached mine.
One day I called Suprotim Da at night.
It was Ritika again on the other end. I asked her whether he called
them or not. She said that he had not called for a long time. I was
very much perturbed then by her answer. I kept my head cool. I told
her that if he calls them, then just inform him that I am still to receive
any type of communication from him. She was surprised to hear that
that he had not contacted me. She pacified me that he would surely
find out some way to contact me. I pacified my soul by her answer and
let the waves flow through the river.
ChotoMa and Babu were again behaving normally with me. Their
smiles returned back but were less. Those touches of affection were
losing its sheen. ShonaMa was seldom heard from their lips.
Few months later, again I observed a tense look on their face. I could
not understand as what was creating those wrinkles on their
foreheads. One day I gathered all my strength to ask them as what
was disturbing them for long time?
ChotoMa returned from her school, I was in my room. Babu was
watching TV in drawing room.
ChotoMa came into my room and asked about my college and friends.
I asked---Why are you both so disturbed? Is that all due to me?
She sat on my bed and looked at me---No. We are not disturbed, just
cursing the fate.
I
understood
everything
that
was
in
their
heart.
She went on---You are growing older. Next year you will turn twentyseven. I was thinking of searching a groom for you.
I pressed my pen between my lips to hide my pain---Why? Am I
bothering you very much?
---Paree, age is a factor of every ones life. As you grow old, you will
understand that you need someone by your side to look after you. You
mom or we wont be with you forever.
I shook my head and said---I was thinking for a long time that I
should return to my native place. I dont want to pursue M.Sc.
anymore. Her voice choked a little---Dont talk about going back to
your native village. We still love you. You are not a burden on us. It is
a general concern of all parents about their daughter.
---Then
why
are
you
talking
about
my
marriage?
---We want to see you happy before we close our eyes. We are also
getting old; your mom is also getting old. She also expressed her
concern about your marriage.
I was surprised to hear that---What? My mom told you about my
marriage?
She shook her head and said---No, not actually. She is also getting
old and she also must be thinking about your marriage.
So it was your thought, I told to myself. You want to get rid of me
as soon as possible. I know my Mom; she will not be asking you for
my
marriage
at
least.
She
knows
what
I
want.
She looked at my face which was lost in my Moms thought and asked--What are you thinking?
I voiced my concern---Nothing. But if you all behave with me like that
then
it
is
hard
to
concentrate
on
my
studies.
She apologized to me---Sorry. We will talk about this later on. A
whole year is there to discuss and lot of time for you to think.
She went away, closing the door behind her. I was unable to
concentrate in my studies.
Winter vacation approached. My M.Sc. final were just five months from
then. I went back to my native village. That time I went alone in the
cab.
Neither
Babu
nor
ChotoMa
accompanied
me.
I got down from the cab alone; my Mom looked at my face.
She
asked
me---You
are
alone
this
time?
I nodded my head and carried my bag inside---Yes, ChotoMa and
Babu were busy in some work. Anyway they will be coming to take me
back.
She
probably
sensed
those
bubbles
inside
me.
At night, she came to my room. I was writing few lines in the Optics
Notebook.
I
closed
that
and
looked
at
her.
She
asked
me---Has
Abhimanyu
contacted
you?
I shook my head---No he has not called me; neither has he called
Suprotim Da.
---What happened to him? Why he is not trying to contact you?
I was very annoyed on hearing those words. I almost screamed--How can I know? What the hell is he doing? I dont even know why he
came
in
my
life
and
just
uprooted
me.
I had mixed feelings of angst and pain and fear running inside my
heart. Angst, he was not contacting me. Pain, has he forgotten me?
Fear,
something
should
not
happen
to
him.
I asked Mom---When are you going to talk to ChotoMa about me and
Abhi? She came near me and rubbed her palms on my head---Dont
be so restless.
---How can I hold on? Eighteen months have passed. What is he
doing?
She asked me a final question---Ask your heart. What is restraining
him from contacting you for last eighteen months? If you find answer,
then wait for him and fight. If you dont find any answer then meet
whatever comes in your life.
I locked the door after mom went out. I asked that question to myself
that night. But I could not find any answer.
I called Suprotim Da again but the phone answered, Please check the
number you have dialed.
I found the panes of glass covering my heart getting shattered by that
answer. My last and only hope drowned. I did not cry that day. I did
not sleep on my bed also. For the whole night, I was awake on my
bed, sat silently. I felt angry upon myself for waiting too long for him.
I felt a huge vacuum inside my heart. Nothing was there to fill my
soul.
No
pain
no
happiness,
only
a
dark
vacuum.
I looked the Optics Notebook lying on the table. For once, I thought
of destroying that diary forever. Why should I care for his childhood?
Why should I care for his friendships? Why should I care for his love?
I took the diary in my hands and was about to tear. The page that
opened in front of me was his Hindi poem. I read that somehow which
restrained me to destroy that diary.
The whole winter break, I kept myself confined to my studies only. I
knew that very well, that if I have to fight the world I have to be on
myself. I had a pillar, my Mom, but I had to search for him also.
One evening Sumanto Da came to me and asked me to sign few court
papers. I asked him as what has happened. He told me that those
papers were of mutation and it was of my share of the property. I
looked at his face as he handed those papers to me. I grazed my eyes
over those papers once and then signed those papers. The house was
breaking I felt. Already after Subrotos marriage, the kitchen was

divided and then I felt the walls building up on the compound.
On the last night before the vacation was to end and I had to return
with
ChotoMa,
my
Mom
came
to
my
room.
I was lying on the bed on my tummy and was preparing some notes.
My mom came and sat beside me and rubbed her palms on my back.
She
asked---So
have
you
got
your
answer?
I was so engrossed in my books that I looked up at her face and shook
my head and said No.
She smiled at me---I am not asking about your Physics. I am asking
about the question that I asked you on the first day.
I dug inside my head and then said in a confirmed voice---If you are
with me, then I will wait till the evening of my life till I get him back.
She smiled painfully at me and said---Well then. When he calls you or
contacts you. First you ask him to meet me. I want to talk to him
alone
and
then
I
will
talk
to
your
ChotoMa.
I hugged her. My heart answered on that day, that he would return for
me. ChotoMa came to take me back. My Moms face was sullen.
Everybody looked sullen on that day, as if I was going for the last
time. I told everybody that after my final exam I was going to come
back and stay with them.
Dushtu came near me and whispered---You havent kept your word
this time also.
I could not answer his queries, all I could do was to board the cab and
leave silently, hiding my gurgles brewing inside my chest.
For next few months, I tried Suprotim Das number but every time I
had the same answer from there Please check the number you have
dialed.
One night after dinner, I was in the drawing room watching TV.
I overheard some conversation which I could not understand that
time. Babu---What can we do, she is definitely contacting someone.
ChotoMa---This is really disgusting. How can she contact?
Babu---Probably she hasnt contacted. I once checked her mobile but
there was no international call.
ChotoMa---Then what is the meaning of all these?
Babu---I fail to understand as what are these.
ChotoMa---Better we dont talk about this. But where is he currently?
He called a year ago.
Babu---Hmmm I know, but after that he has not called. Neither on
the landline nor on her mobile.
ChotoMa---Should we ask Paree?
Babu---No, have you gone mad. Let that be, between us only.
ChotoMa---But I miss my son, same time I cant leave her also as I
have given word to her mother.
Only thing that I could fathom from that conversation that he had not
contacted me on mobile neither on the landline. There was a big
question that crept in my brain What was he doing? How was he? Has
he
forgotten
that
his
love
is
waiting
for
him?
Every passing day, the ray of hope faded inside my heart. I tried to
pour oil in the lamp to keep the flame burning, every moment.
Classes started, the final exam was few months away.
There were free periods in the second half that day. I had to complete
my practical, so I was totally engrossed in my work. I forgot to bring
the lunch on that day. There were few students in the class. Neither
Teesta nor Delisha was there. Debobroto was also not there.
Time
was
flying
by;
I
lost
the
count
of
time.
Suddenly I felt a nudge on my shoulder. I looked up with big
surprising eyes to find Debobroto looking at me. There was an angry
look in his eyes.
Lady Vidyasagar. Skipping lunch wont make you first in the class.
He pushed a sandwich in front of me and asked---Eat this.
I smiled at him and asked---Who told you that I am hungry?
---Your face, idiot. Dont ask anything just eat this or I will bang your
head.
Why
are
you
doing
this
to
me?
I
asked
him.
He paid no heed to my words, unpacked that sandwich, and pushed
that in my mouth. I was taken aback by his actions. I got choked.
I screamed---You Swine, you are hurting me.
While he pushed the sandwich, his left hand fingers grazed on my
chin.
He
was
laughing
at
me
on
my
angry
look.
I heard few footsteps at the door. I looked at the door with my
mouthful of sandwich. I saw Teesta looking at us. There was a pain in
her beautiful eyes. Her eyes glistened on seeing his hand on my chin.
I pushed his hand from my chin and looked down to my practical book.
I said to Debobroto---Go away. Leave me.
She quietly came near me and sat beside me. I was unable to look at
her face. She stooped down, rested her head on the desk, and kept
herself very silent. I could hear her heartbeat and her pulsating
breath. I looked over my shoulder and shouted at Debobroto---When
are you going to leave?
---Why?
---No periods are there now, so why are you waiting?
He took his bag and approached my bench. He looked at both of us.
Teesta had her head still on the bench.
He asked as what happened to her.
I asked him again---Why are you waiting?
He whispered---I was waiting for you.
I observed that Teesta clenched her fist under the table as she heard
him say those words. Debobroto was unaware of her reactions as he

was standing there.
I said to him---I will go home later after finishing the practical notes.
He joked at me---Well, this class is for everyone. I will sit and wont
disturb you.
I clenched my jaws and said to him in a commanding voice---Just
leave
the
class.
Now.
If
you
have
nothing
to
do.
He could not understand as what made me so angry that day. He gave
a blank look at my face as he walked out silently.
I placed my hand on Teestas back. Her back trembled like a small
twig caught in a storm.
I took her face between my palms and wiped few drops from her
cheeks. Her eyes were closed.
I asked her---Why have you not told me before?
She sobbed out---What should I tell you? He does not even look at
me. He still feels that I am the same old Teesta. I am not the same,
Mita. I am trying to change myself for him
I shook my head---You insane girl. Why havent you proposed him
yet?
She almost cried out---He always looks at you. How could I know;
what was in your heart?
My goodness! I said to her. Ok, I will handle this before I leave this
college.
She gave a queer look at me---What about you?
I told her the truth in a single sentence---I dont have my heart with
me. Someone stole that long ago. So what I dont have I cant give
that to anyone.
I paused for few breaths and said to her---Dont ask who was he or
where is he. Just be contented that my heart is not with me.
She hugged me tightly and hid her face on the curve on my shoulder.
I assured her---I will do my best, to bring you two together.
Few weeks after that incident; the M.Sc. final exam schedule were
declared. The study break was about to start. The last period was
over. I looked around and arranged my notebooks in my bag. Teesta
was still sitting inside the class room. I asked her whether she was
going home or not. She said that she would wait for some more time. I
smiled at her and walked out.
In the corridor, I saw Debobroto was walking towards me. I smiled
back at him and was to cross him.
He suddenly held my wrist and pulled me. I almost fell on him and was
taken aback by his actions. A gush of hot blood rushed in my head. My
bosoms were pressed on his masculine broad chest. He didnt let my
wrist go from his strong clutch.
He brought his face near me and said to me---I have to say
something before the end of the session.
I looked at him with my big eyes. I anticipated that that was going to
happen someday or the other.
His warm breath was flooding my face as he stooped down and looked
deep in my big eyes.
I could feel his heart pumping fast inside his chest as it was crushing
my soft bosoms. I felt a warm unruly sensation to run down my whole
serpentine frame.
I controlled my anger, at the same time I felt to melt by his touch.
He lowered down his voice and said to me---I have bought a bike and
I want you to be the first lady to sit on the pillion.
I clenched my jaws to control all the feelings of attraction that was
probably peeking and threw away those from the corner of my heart.
Was I getting carried away? I told to myself in that fraction of
second. I gathered myself up and pressed my hand on his broad chest.
Pushed him aside and gave a fiery look at him.
---You should not do this to me Debobroto.
He pleaded---Why? What is wrong with me?
I shook my head---There is nothing wrong with you, but there is
something wrong in me. I cant give you what you seek for. There is
someone waiting for you.
It was his turn to get surprised---Who?
I held him by his wrist and pulled him inside the class room. I looked
at Teesta. Her eyes were filled up with fear, pain and bewilderment.
I pointed to Teesta and said to Debobroto---She is waiting for you. Go
and live your life.
Debobroto gave a bewildered look at me---And you?
I shouted at him---What me? Cant you see in her eyes? Go. She is
your long lost fairy.
I came near Teesta and handed his hand in hers. She was almost in
tears. I felt the gurgle in Debobrotos chest as he held her palms
tightly. He looked at her glistening eyes and said to her---It took five
years for you to understand me?
She was sitting on the bench so she had to throw her arms around his
waist. He pressed her head on his tummy and they melted away.
Debobroto gave an admiring look at me and nodded his head to
express gratitude.
I touched Teestas cheek and said her---I kept my word and now
dont let him go.
I looked at her face, smiling and filled up with gratitude. She was
about to unclasp him and hug me. I signed her not to come near me. I
wiped the corner of my eyes and walked away from there.

I closed my eyes, I saw on my right that a white unicorn was trotting
towards me. I looked on my left I found a tiny sapling growing on the
ground. I turned towards the sapling and put my left foot forward,
crushed that tiny green sapling and then waited for the unicorn to
come near me and touch my neck.
My M.Sc. final exam was just over. I was very happy, as I knew that I
would come out with flying colours. I was also happy that at last I
would be able to free myself from the ivory cage of the emperor and
the empress. The princess at last sensed the air of freedom.
One fine summer morning when no one was present at home, I called
my Mom.
---Ma, my exams are over I am coming
Her voice was choked as she heard her daughters
that she would return to her lap---Yes. Paree
Her motherly concern flowed from her throat---Now
my child.
back to you.
voice saying her
I am waiting.
return to me lap
---Yes Ma, now on whatever I do, I will do from my native place. I will
search job and be with you, Ma.
She asked me---Have you got any news of Abhimanyu?
I took a deep breath and then said to her---No Ma. He has not
contacted me yet, but I am sure he will come. I will wait for him, Ma. I
know that by my heart that he will come back.
---Ok. So when are you coming back?
---Within few weeks.
She gave good news to me---Kalyani is expecting a child.
I was surprised to hear that---Really, I will call her just now.
After talking with my Mom, I called Kalyani.
---Congratulation! When did this happen?
Kalyanis voice was low; I felt she was also very happy---Two months
ago. I missed the last period then I was bit skeptical. But when I
consulted doctor then I was certain.
I was very happy, everything was going very well.
I almost screamed---I am coming back to village. I will look after
you.
---Surely I am waiting for you.
I called Teesta after that.
---Hey how are you doing?
Teesta was bit surprised to hear my jovial voice---You are sounding
very happy today.
---Yes, I am going back to my native place.
She was taken aback on hearing that. She screamed at the other end--Means?
You
are
leaving
Kolkata
forever?
I calmed her down---I am leaving that does not mean that I wont be
in touch with you.
Her voice was low---I want to meet you. Now.
I calmed her down---Ok. Before I leave for village, I will meet you. I
give you my word.
Promise.
---Promise dear.
Her
voice
was
shaky.
I told to ChotoMa that I would goto village for a change. She didnt
object. I didnt disclose my real intention to her. My real intention was
to break that chain and fly forever. I knew that very well that if I stay
at their house then I would be married to someone else. I wont be
able to wait for him. More than seven hundred and thirty days had
passed I heard his voice. Every night I used to take out his Optics
Notebook and wrote my memoirs, my longings, my sleepless nights,
my kisses. Every page I wrote bore marks of my red lips. Few pages
also bore the wet marks of my dew drops those fell from, according to
his writing lotus buds.
Chapter 9: Cord snapped (#1)
Chapter 9: Cord snapped
ChotoMa was busy in buying gifts for my Mom and other family
members. She was also happy as she has at last met what she
promised my Mom. She was happy to see my smiling face. But she
was
unaware
of
my
real
intention.
The eventful day was approaching when I would enjoy my twentyeighth monsoon on this Mother Earth. That day was to come in fortyfive days from then.
With every passing day I asked myself the same question When are
you going to come? I am restless now. Your thoughts are killing me
with every passing second. I spend sleepless night tossing on my bed.
I remember each and every moment of the fighting we had on the first
night, and I laugh. I remember those sweet kisses and the first night
at Chitkul. Come quickly, I am waiting for you, my Unicorn. This time I
want to ride with you and roam on those grasslands, over the
meadows, on the valleys beneath those high pine and cedar trees. This
time I wont fly away. I just want to ride with you, walk by your side. I
want to feel your strong arms around me. I want your warmth in the
cold night.
One day Debobroto called and asked that he and Teesta wants to meet
me.
I asked him---When and where?
Teesta was by his side, I could hear her voice as she yelled out--Now.
I laughed at her and asked Debobroto to hand over the phone to her.
She asked me---I am not going to wait for long. We both want to
meet you. It was very hot and humid outside so I asked them to
come to my house.
Both of them arrived after few hours. I looked at Teesta; she was
dressed in a simple cotton salwar. She had her braids flowing nicely till
the mid of her back. No ponytail.
I smiled at her and contracted my brows What happened to you?
She gave me a coy look and pointed at Debobroto ---He doesnt like
me in those jeans and tops.
Oooooooo. I looked at Debobroto and asked, Thats nice. So how
are you two going along?
Debobroto clenched his jaws as he looked into my eyes and said---I
dont know what type of person you are. I thought I know you very
well but I failed to understand you in these two years. Since you are
older to me and .
I looked at him and asked---And what?
And nothing, I dont have words as what to express and how to
express he looked away hiding his emotions.
Teesta rubbed his back to douse his emotions. She looked at me and
said---He is telling the truth. We both have lost our vocabulary as
what to express. You are out of this world person. Can I ask you
something, very personal although?
Chapter 9: Cord snapped (#2)
I sensed as what would be the question so I guarded myself well and
said to them---I know very well as what you are going to ask. Dont
ask
you
wont
get
the
answer
from
me.
Both of them nodded their head and said---Our best wishes will
always be with you. You will surely meet the person you are waiting
for.
I smiled at them and said to myself I know that dear. Just I am going
through a trough of time.
Mid June, on one fine summer morning. I was in the kitchen preparing
breakfast for ChotoMa and Babu. ChotoMa told to me the other night
that she would visit my Mom on that day.
I was very happy. The phone rang.
ChotoMa answered the phone and screamed. Her voice choked. I came
running
from
the
kitchen
on
hearing
her
shrieks.
---WHEN, HOW. NO.
I felt a huge tremble rattled the coast of my chest. I stood there
holding the chair in my clutch. I looked into those flooding eyes of
ChotoMa as she looked at me.
My eyes were hazy, my chest gurgled out.
I cried out to ChotoMa---What happened?

She did not answer my question.
She bit her lower lips and said to the person on the phone---NO we
are coming. Just keep her there. I dont want my child to goto
crematorium.
I clutched the front fabric of my dress, ran to ChotoMa, and asked as
what happened. Her silence was killing me.
She kept the phone and threw her arms around me, hugged me
tightly. She was uncontrollable.
She called out Babu and asked him to call the cab.
I was still not sure as where I was going and what happened to whom.
Babu
asked
ChotoMa
as
what
happened
to
whom.
She was unable to speak. She pressed my head on her bosoms and
said to Babu---My Aunt. Call the cab.
When I heard My aunt from her shaken lips, I turned into a stone. I
closed my eyes. My whole life got drained on that single word from
ChotoMas lips. The whole world shook. I dug my face on her lap and I
do not remember what happened after that.
When I opened my eyes, I found myself on the bed.
Teesta and Delisha were by my side. They both took me in their arms,
but I was turned into stone. I lost my speech. Both of them somehow
dressed me.
For the whole journey to my home, I kept very quiet. Danish brought
his brothers car.
ChotoMa and Babu were in the cab.
I came out of the car, like a stone effigy. I looked on the courtyard. My
beloved Mothers frame was draped in a white cotton cloth, lying
peacefully under the Holy Basil plant.
After few hours she was taken away from the courtyard forever. I was
unable to cry or to say something. I was unable to breathe properly. I
felt a huge boulder on my chest, under which all my feelings, my
pains, my tears were buried. I was unable to remove that boulder to
express my tears.
The whole eleven days, my youngest sister-in-law, Maithili was by my
side. She nursed me, took care of my broken heart, tried to stitch that
but she failed. She tried to mend those holes but those were of no use.
I was turned into stone, I was unable to express my feelings. I
confined
myself
in
my
room
for
eleven
days.
Every one of my family members was present on the eleventh day of
the mourning ceremony. Indrani Di and Chandrani Di said to me that I
was
in
good
hands
of
ChotoMa
and
Babu.
No one would ever know the truth. No one would believe my words
that my life was like a beautiful princess living in an ivory cage.
Only I knew where I was going.
The day before, I was to return back with ChotoMa and Babu, I went
to the tree he planted in the backyard. I plucked a twig and wrapped

that in my handkerchief. I took a fist full of the earth from the ground
beneath
the
tree
and
tied
that
in
my
handkerchief.
I kissed the trunk of that tree and then I cried out---Abhimanyu, your
beloved Paree died today.
At least till few days ago there was a faint ray of hope. It faded away
forever. My umbilical cord, the last cord snapped away. I was then at
mercy of ChotoMa and Babu. I waited to meet my fate.
Chapter 1: Fairy Surrender (#1)
Part 2: Blistered Feet
Chapter 1: Fairy Surrender
The princess returned to her ivory cage. She returned with broken
heart, lost hopes. She observed that the mast of the old wooden ship
vanished on the separator of the horizon. The unicorn never touched
her shoulder, never neighed after that. She looked back for the
unicorn. It was nowhere to be seen. There was a dark could overhead.
I turned twenty-eight on that August. I crept in my shell and confined
me to my room. I was unperturbed about the world around me.
ChotoMa and Babu were very much worried about my health. I was
unable to come in terms that my Mother was gone. I was unable to
come to terms that my Unicorn was lost. All the rays, glimmer
everything burnt in the pyre with mother. She never expressed to
ChotoMa as what she actually wanted. The unicorn, my thief never
came back or contacted me.
The Optics Notebook never came out of the bookshelf after the
demise of my mother. It was of no use to me then.
One evening ChotoMa came to my room.
She said to me---Paree, I am like your mother.
I nodded my head Yes you are like my mother but not my mother.
I gave a painful smile at her and asked---What do you want from me
now?
---Why are you asking me like that? What can a mother ask from her
daughter?
I wanted to be your daughter-in-law and not your daughter instead I
asked her---Are you searching for groom?
She nodded her head and said---Yes. Both I and your Babu were
thinking of that.
I gave a disturbed look at her---But I want to be a teacher? What
about that, you promised me?
She sat beside me and rubbed her palms on my cheek---We will
surely search for a groom who will allow your further studies or will
allow you for job.
---So you want to get rid of me as soon as possible? Is that so?
She scolded me---Dont talk like that. I am not getting rid of you.
I gathered all my courage to fight for a last time. I had my back on the
wall, I had nothing to lose then.
---You know very well that I have nowhere to go. I do not want to
marry now. I want to go back to my native place.
Her voice burned---You cant go back. Who will look after you, your
brothers? No, they have their own families to look after. Even they will
try to get rid of you. You know very well about the intentions of
Indrani and Shasanko.
I gave a helpless look at her Are you emotionally blackmailing me? I
said
to
her
that
I
need
some
time
to
think.
She said that she had already advertised in the leading newspapers of
Kolkata.Someone poured boiling oil on my head then---Dont you feel
to consult me for once?
She kept her voice very calm---What we are doing is for your better
only, Paree. We know what will be good for you and what is bad for
you.
I took a deep breath and requested me to be left alone for some time.
I sat cowered on the bed, resting my face on my knees looked out of
the window. The sky was gloom. Monsoon was still then lingering on
the sky of Kolkata. I lost all my hopes, as there was no communication
from him till then.
Every evening there were numerous calls. I observed that Babu and
ChotoMa were busy in noting all the information in a diary. I paid no
heed to what all was happening. At times, they asked me as what type
of groom I wanted in my life.
One day I said to them---ChotoMa, I will repay your debt by doing my
duty. I am not your own blood and flesh and even after that, you have
done a lot for me. But.
They both looked at me and asked What?
I held my breath for few seconds and then said---For once, can I go
to the room in the second floor? I want the key.
They were taken aback by my request. They looked at each others
face. Babu said to me in his roaring voice---No. You cannot go to that
room. That is locked forever.
I gave a displeased look at them and said to them---If you are so
adamant in marrying me off, then why are you searching so much?
Just
get
anyone
and
I
will
marry.
I slammed the door behind me. My brain was burning in angst and
pain. I cursed him with all worst words I could think of that day He is
treacherous. He does not have a heart in his chest. He is a lost soul.
I was awake on my bed, looking outside the window. I was unable to
sleep. There was a huge vacuum inside my heart. Nothing was able to
fill that vacuum. I rubbed my bosoms, my cleavage to douse the pain.
But every time I touched myself, the pain grew stronger.
It was probably midnight; I heard a soft knock on my door.
I got up, opened the door, and was surprised to see ChotoMa standing
at the door.
She handed me the key of his room on the second floor and looked at
me
with
her
painful
eyes.
Her
eyes
were
glistening.
She wiped few drops of tears from the corner of her eyes and said in a
low voice---Go. But I want a positive answer in the morning.
I nodded my head and took the key from her hand.
I tip-toed to the room in the second floor. I took a deep breath to
control a turbulent wave that was brewing inside my chest. I bit my
lower lips as I anticipated that when I will open the door he would be
standing in front of me. I unlocked the key and pushed open the door.
The room was closed for two long years. Not even air was allowed to
dwell in that room. The turbulence reached my throat and my chest
shook like a candle flame.
There was stench odour in the room. I found a dead rat under the
table. There was dust all over his reading table, over his bed. The bed
sheet was not changed in last two years. I found lizards and rats goo
strewn all over his bed. The side-stands of the bed were covered with
the cobwebs.
I pushed opened the windows.
I dusted the chair and sat beside the window. I clenched my fist and
bit my fingers between my teeth. My eyes got soaked. I wiped that
aqua drop from the corner of my eyes. I dont want to cry. I told to
myself. The day before that fateful day, he was painting my portrait. I
sat there in that very posture for quiet sometime. I looked inside the
room. My eyes tried hard to search him whether he was still sketching
my portrait or not. No, he was not there.
I opened the drawer of his table and found a small wooden box. I
opened that box and found several small glass marbles in that box.
I looked around the room for one last time, closed the windows. I
closed my eyes; a solitary drop of aqua trailed down my left cheek and
soaked the tip of my nose. I locked the room. Burying all his
reminiscences inside the room, behind me, I climbed down the stairs.
I came down and found that ChotoMa was sitting in the drawing room
waiting for me.
I handed her the key and said to her---I dont have any choice.
Wherever my fate takes me I will accept that.
That night, once I was inside my room, I wrapped the Optics
Notebook and the small Laughing Buddha that he presented me at
Nako, in brown paper. I tied that packet with cello-tape and red
ribbons. Then I searched for a cardboard box and packed that. I sealed
that box with wax.
I told my ChotoMa that I wanted to visit Kalyani. She did not object.
I gave the packet to Kalyani.
She asked me as I handed her the box---What is this?
I looked at the box and said---This contains some worthless
materials. This contains his diary and a small present. These are now
worthless for me. I do not have the courage to destroy that. If you can
keep this then keep this or else you can destroy this. ChotoMa and
Babu are searching for a groom for me. I will get married soon.
She looked at me and yelled---What are you doing? If he comes back,
then?
I shook my head in utter dismay---After two years, you think he will
come back for me? NO he is not coming back. He has forgotten that he
loved someone. He has forgotten that someone is waiting for him. He
ditched me. He is a coward, heartless fellow. He has forgotten that he
has his parents who are also crying for him.
She shook her head and looked at me with tears in her eyes. I did not
have any tears in my eyes then. My ears were although burning in
angst. My nose flared.
I asked her---Why are you shedding your tears for an ill fated girl like
me? You should not. You are going to be a good mother.
She looked at me and said---Paree
That name, choked my voice. I said to her---Kalyani, Paree died long
ago. It is Mita sitting in front of you.
She touched my shoulder. That touch made my heart go meek in pain.
I could not control myself anymore. I sobbed out as she pressed my
head on her shoulder and rubbed my back.
I sobbed out repeatedly---Paree died. She died that day he left me.
She died again with my mother. I do not have enough life left to die. I
will meet my fate, whatever it comes.
I did not go to my house in my village that day. I returned the same
day to Kolkata.
Before returning, I said to her with a painful smile---I invite you in
advance at my wedding.
She rubbed her womb and said to me---He is kicking. I dont know
whether I would be able to attend your wedding or not, but Dipankar
will surely go.
I passed my days as a lifeless corpse. I forgot to smile, I forgot to
laugh.
Few days after that, ChotoMa said to me that they have to attend a
wedding
and
I
had
to
accompany
with
them.
I understood that they want to arrange an acquaintance with some
prospective groom. She asked me to dress in my turquoise coloured
silk
saree.
She
asked
me
to
dress
beautifully.
I could understand as what all was going to happen so I did not
objected
to
what
all
they
asked
me
to
do.
That day after a long time, I felt to dress. I felt that I should wipe out
my fears, my pain my angst, and lead a new life. I said to myself Why
should I wait for someone who has not thought of about my pains.
I dressed in my beautiful saree, with short-sleeved blouse of same
color. The saree had silver and white embroidery all over the upper
loose end that covered my front part. I tied my hair in plaids. It was
long enough to touch below my spine. I glued a light blue and dark
blue dot between my whip like brows and painted my rosy lips under
dark tan lip colour. I applied black eye pencil under my eyes and
shaped up my long eye lashes. I took out those long gold earrings,
which ChotoMa bought few weeks ago for my wedding. I tied the
heavy gold necklace around my neck that ChotoMa presented me
when she first met me at Subrotos wedding. Few turquoise and white
bangles adorned my thin right creamy wrist. On the left, I tied the
titan watch.
I took a deep breath and looked myself in the mirror.
I smiled on myself---Suchismita, you are looking very beautiful.
That day, I felt to make him jealous. That day, no one touched my
shoulder or complimented me.
As I walked out of room, ChotoMa and Babu looked at me and smiled.
---You are looking very beautiful.
I smiled back and said---Can we go now? I know the reason very
well, ChotoMa. I am twenty-eight and I have brain in my cranium.
She smiled and shook her head---Whatever I am doing I am doing for
your good only, Paree.
I was about to say to her Paree died, ChotoMa. The person standing
in front of you is Suchismita.
But I restrained myself.
At the gathering, I was always by side of her as I was unknown to all
the people there. It was wedding of one relative of Babu.
As we entered, many persons turned their face towards me. Most of
the males were giving a courtesy smile by looking at me. I smiled back
at them.
I was introduced to the bride and the groom. I wished the bride for her
well being.
I was left alone after sometime, so I sat on a chair on the balcony,
looking up the dark night sky.
Durga Puja was near. The sky was bereft of rain clouds. There were
stars twinkling. As I had nothing to do so I started counting the stars
to kill my time.
My counting was broken as I heard someone to cough near me.
I looked up to find as who was there.
I saw a handsome person, probably of my age. He was tall, clean
shaven. His jaws were strong. He was wearing a brown suit. From his
built, I could fathom that he was a strong bodied person with muscular
figure. He looked at me and joined his palms to express courtesy to
me. I stood up and returned back his courtesy by joining my hands. I
felt bit uncomfortable by his sudden presence.
His voice was very masculine as he talked---I am Niladri Karmakar.
I hesitated little and then smiled back at him---Suchismita.

He nodded his head and said---I know that. Your Mom said to me.
My Mom? I thought at first and then I was clear as he pointed to
ChotoMa. I looked at ChotoMa, who was standing at a distance talking
to some aged person.
He continued---My brother is manager in Jhamadoba colliery near to
Dhanbad. Do you know Dhanbad?
I nodded my head---Yes I have heard of Dhanbad.
He pointed to the person talking to ChotoMa---That is my father,
Kamalesh Karmakar. He is very renowned coal contractor in Dhanbad.
---My brothers name is Himadri. He passed out from ISM Dhanbad.
You know ISM, Indian School of Mines?
I nodded my head again Yes.
He continued---You have done M.Sc. in physics. Right? My brother
also is very bright. He is mining engineer. He passed out in nineteenninety-five.
I calculated his brothers age in my mind he must be thirty-two years
of age. Same time I thought, Why he was talking about his brother
instead of himself.
He then asked me to sit on the chair and then he lit a cigarette.
He said then---My father is looking for a beautiful bride for him.
I smiled to myself Oh! No, so all these were for your brother?
He probably understood why I laughed---No, no, no. I am only
twenty-eight years old. I might be of same age as of yours.
We both laughed out as he found my face turning red in shame. I
looked
the
other
way
to
hide
my
coy
face.
He joked at me---So, what do I call you? Suchismita Boudi is a very
long name to call.
I could not stop laughing. I joked at him---I am still not your Boudi.
He pointed out to ChotoMa and his father and said---The way they
are talking to each other. I am sure they want to finalize your
marriage in the same fire here.
I was feeling very light hearted. I was enjoying the way he spoke.
I asked---Where is your brother?
He slapped his forehead---Work, work and work. He should have seen
you.
I
am
sure
he
will
forget
his
work
then.
Again, it was my turn to hide my coy face. I bit my lower rosy soft lips
to control my brewing smile.
He bent towards me and looked at my smiling face and said---My

brother is surely going to die.
I
felt
bit
uncomfortable
by
his
over
friendly
actions.
I turned back to see what ChotoMa was doing. I saw that they were
standing just behind us.
ChotoMa signed me to touch that aged mans feet. I bent down to
touch his feet to express my regards.
He touched my head and said---I was looking for a Lakshmi for long
time. I think my search is complete now.
I looked down, to my feet to hide my pains which came in my eyes.
I told to myself So this is fate. I am getting married at last. Total
unknown horizon beckons me.
That person told to ChotoMa---It would have been better if Himadri
would have been here. We have to come again to see my daughter-inlaw.
ChotoMa asked him---This time please bring your wife along.
Babu came near us and took away Niladri and Niladris father along
with him.
ChotoMa touched my chin and said to me---He is a nice person. His
son, Himadri is an engineer.
I looked at ChotoMas face and gave a faint smile So you have at last
find a way to get rid of me.
Before leaving the venue, Niladri came to me and said to me---We
are coming next Sunday. I am sure that you will be my Boudi.
I smiled softly at him and looked the other way. In reality I was
unperturbed of what all was happening around me. Everything seemed
fake. All those smiles I gave all those happiness I showed.
After we came back, Babu told to me that they would come on next
Sunday to finalise the dates.
I nodded my head and said---Is there any need to get acquainted
with the person I am marrying?
---Sure, you must get acquainted with the person.

I am already a pain to you instead I said---If you are all happy then
I need not know, with whom I am getting married. Just tell me that on
this day, I have to sit there in front of the sacrament pyre. I will oblige
to
every
order.
My
voice
was
cold
and
unperturbed.
ChotoMa said in a painful voice---Please, Paree. At least dont behave
like this on that day.
I clenched my jaws---Leave me alone. I slammed the door behind
me.
The fateful Sunday arrived. As usual, I bathed in morning and dressed

in a simple blue salwar kurta. It was morning ten oclock. I was in the
kitchen preparing lunch. Several dishes were prepared. ChotoMa
helped me to prepare. Tiger prawns, fried rice and many more. While
preparing those dishes for a single moment I told to myself He was a
simple fellow, with simple choice of food. Pulses and rice would
contend him very much.
The door bell ranged. Babu went to open the door. ChotoMa came into
kitchen and asked me to wear saree.
I said to her---If they choose me, then they would choose me not for
my dress. I am not going to wear saree and sit there like a doll.
She scolded me in a deep voice---Go and change now.
I clenched my jaws and walked to my room. I saw a middle aged
woman in the dining room.
She looked at me and said in a soothing voice---You dont need to
change. You are ok in what you are.
ChotoMa signed me to touch her feet. I stooped to touch her feet.
She placed her palm on my head and said---Just like I wanted. She
asked me to come along with her to the drawing room.
I looked at
ChotoMa gave
came near me
I nodded my
Instead of my
the mirror.
ChotoMa and said to her---I need a moment.

a displease look at me and said---Dont be late. She
and whispered in my ears---Dont let us down, Paree.
head and assured her that I wont let you down.
room, I went into the restroom and looked my face in
My reflection said to me So there you are at last. Smile and embrace

what is coming to you.
I said to my reflection, This is a lifeless frame, who is doing her duty.
I entered the drawing room and looked at Himadri. That day Niladri did
not come. There was his parents and the groom with whom my fate
was to get bounded for life time.
I joined my palms and offered my courtesy to Himadri. He stood up
and joined his hands back.
In a fraction of seconds, I measured that Himadri was just few inches
taller than me. If he walk beside me then I would look taller than him.
I lost few pounds then.
He was dark brown in complexion. Probably his work nature had made
his skin tanned. Front part of his head was bald. He had a thick
moustache, black lips. His nose was wide, not chiseled as him. His
tummy was slightly protruding out between the open blazers.
I sat on the opposite couch. His father asked few questions about my
studies and about my families. I answered them quietly.
Then he said to ChotoMa---We are looking for a homemaker.
He asked me---What do you want to do after marriage?
I
looked
at
ChotoMa
and
then
at
Himadri.
I pulled all my strength and spoke---I always wanted to be a
teacher.
All the time Himadri was very calm and quiet. He was measuring me
with his keen sharp eyes.
I gave a courtesy smile at him, without looking directly in his eyes.
Babu asked his father that they should leave us alone.
My heart started to beat louder, then. I felt that my chest would burst
out and the blood would get spilled on the floor. My face turned red as
I had to sit in front of a total unknown person like a ivory idol.
After they went out, there was a long silence in the room. I could hear
my
heart
beat
cutting
the
painful
silence.
Himadri coughed to break the silence running between us and asked--You passed out from Presidency this year?
I nodded my head to say Yes.
---Renowned college.
I nodded again Yes.
I had my fist clenched, resting on my lap. I looked down to the centre
table, on which I could see the reflection of his face. His eyes were
fixated on my face.
---Suchismita, is a long name. What should I call you?
I
felt
not
to
answer
that
query,
so
I
kept
quiet.
His next sentence made me laugh---What do you love to do except
keeping silent?
I bit my lower lips as my face turned red in coy. I looked at him
directly with my big eyes.
He was smiling at me. Our eyes met for the first time.
He said to me---Dont take my fathers word seriously. I assure you
that I will not oppose your ambition. I know some schools in Dhanbad
where you will be able to teach Physics.
I was very much relieved by hearing that.
I gave a grateful look at him and nodded my head Thanks.
He smiled at me and said---Why dont you say something about
yourself? Niladri has told you about me, already. But I am still to hear
something from your lips.
I spoke calmly looking at my lap---I have nothing to ask. If you have
something to ask, you can ask me. I will try my best to satisfy you
with my answers.
I took a deep breath, there was no feelings running inside my brain. I
sat there unfazed unperturbed.
He noticed my silent calm expressionless face. He looked at my face
for a long time. Again, there was a long silence running between us.
I thought that I should say something---I hope you will not leave
before lunch.
He bent forward and rested his elbow on his knees and his face came
near me---So you cook also?
I gently nodded my head Yes.
---Then I will surely not leave before lunch.
I liked his way of conversation.
I was praised for the lunch that I prepared. A fake smile was always
on my face as I was requested by ChotoMa to behave well.
After they went away, I came to my room and sat on the bed. I looked
outside the window. My mind was totally blank. I was unable to think
of anything that time. My future was then like a barren desert, I did
not know whether there would be oasis in that desert or not.
ChotoMa came and sat beside me. She asked me---Do you like him or
not?
I was disturbed by her question, she already knew what I like and
what not. Even after that she was asking me such question.
I gave a blank look at her and said---If you all have made up your
mind then what can I say.
She said to me---His father is a renowned person in Dhanbad. They
are rich. He is engineer also. I had several other matches for you. IAS,
IPS but I wanted that you at least do not go far away from me.
Dhanbad is only six hours distance by train. You can visit me anytime.
I can visit you anytime.
I nodded my head---It is ok.
She touched my cheek and asked me to smile. I gave a faint painful
smile at her to keep her request.
I came to know form ChotoMa that Himadris house was in Hirapur in
Dhanbad. He lived with his parents. He had a younger brother Niladri
who helps his father in his coal-contractor. His mother, Rajani
Karmakar was a house-wife.
Maithili and Meghna were informed about my marriage.
My sacrament was fixed in mid of December on that year.
I called Kalyani one night to inform her about my marriage.
She was quiet for some time and then said to me---I wont be able to
stand before your sniveled face. Dipankar will attend your wedding.
I clenched my fist and softly banged my forehead and sobbed out--Who can stand before a girls fate? We are women, we have to
sacrifice. We were born to get sacrificed.
She kept the phone.
I could not sleep that night. I did not shed any tears also.
Next morning, I was very much surprised to find Maithili in my house.
When I woke up, I found her in the drawing room talking to ChotoMa.
She
looked
at
me
and
pushed
me
inside
my
room.
She constricted her brows and asked---What are you doing, Paree?
I was bewildered by her gesture and gave a blank look at her. What
happened?
She pulled my hand, pushed me on the bed, and asked---You are
marrying, what about him?
I looked down and gently scratched the bed-sheet---What else can I
do?
She pulled up my face. My eyes were already dripping painful tears.
She pulled my face on her bosom and said---Tell me where he is. I
will arrange everything. You go away. I will handle whatever happens
here.
I shook my head and sobbed---I have no place to go, Churni. He has
ditched me.
She wiped my tears and said---Dont ever say those words that you
have no place to go. I am always with you, Paree. Whatever be it
happens. But I am helpless like you. Indrani Di, Chandrani Di and your
brothers, they think that what Ulupi Di is doing is good for you.
For the first time, I saw her eyes glistening with love and pain
simultaneously.
I threw my arms around her waist and sobbed out---My Mother is no
more. He has not contacted me still. I do not know where he is or how
he is. I have no place to go, Churni. His fairy has surrendered to her
fate.
Chapter 2: Sacrament Flames (#1)
Chapter 2: Sacrament Flames
From the first week of November, I sensed the rumble building up in
the house. I started to count my days left in that ivory cage. Same
time I was unable to console myself that I was getting freed. I was
unaware in every sense as what type of horizon beckons me.
One
night
Himadri
called
me
on
my
mobile.
---How are you, Suchi? Have you slept already?

I got a new name, Suchi, for my in-laws.
I answered---No. I was about to goto bed.
He hesitated for a moment and asked me---Can we meet this
Sunday?
---You
will
come
from
Dhanbad
to
here?
---What is the harm? I have few unanswered queries. Just need to

clear with you and also we need to understand each other. Right
Suchi?
A
single
acquaintance
does
not
speak
volumes.
---Why dont you come to my house then? ChotoMa and Babu will
also be happy.
He joked at me---Feeling insecure?
I was unfazed on his reactions---No. But I have to ask ChotoMa.

---No need of that, I have already talked to her. She will let you go. I
will come to your house and then we can go out somewhere.
I answered---If you have already taken the permission, then there is
no need to ask me. You have not asked me whether I would like to go
or not.
Probably my answer offended him a bit. I also felt that the answer was
little rude.
I apologized to him---Sorry. I was bit rude.
---Come
on,
Suchi.
Dont
be
so
formal.
On that Sunday, he took me out. I was in blue salwar suit. I dressed

myself in total simplicity. Without any heavy makeup, I tied my hair in
a soft bun. He was in a pair of blue denim and a white shirt.
We
were
sitting
Aheli
in
Peerless
Inn.
He asked me---ChotoMa is your cousin sister, right?
I nodded my head Yes
---So why do you call her ChotoMa?
---She is like my mother.
He nodded his head Ok. I have to tell you something about me
I looked at him and constricted my brows. I was skeptical as what was
he going to divulge.
---I
drink
a
little
and
smoke
also.
Ok I nodded my head. I think that is due to your work pressure.
He smiled at me and said---You understand everything.
I smiled back at him.
---Where would you like to go after our marriage? I have heard that
you love hill station, so would where would like to go?
I spoke softly---No I dont love hill-station. My head aches due to the
serpentine narrow roads.
I lied to him, I did not want to go to any hill-station, and the hills
would remind me of my lost Unicorn.
Ok then we will goto Andaman then he smiled. I was also thinking
of going to Andaman for a long time.
He paused a bit and then asked a question.
He asked---Your ChotoMa has a son. Where is he? Is he going to
attend your wedding?
His query shook the root of my heart. I clenched my fist under the
table so as the emotions do not overcome my smiling face.
I looked down to the plate and shook my head I do not know.
---Ok. By the way what colour would you suggest for a car?
I was surprised by his question. He looked in my face and asked me
again.
I asked---You are buying a new car?
---Yes I am. Maruti Baleno.
I understood from the sly smile that the car was a dowry, given to him
to buy my security. A thick stream of blood raced to my head. My nose
flared up.
I said to myself What all debt I have to bore on this small painful
heart.
I told him that I was not feeling well and I would like to return.
He
obliged
to
my
request
and
took
me
back.
After he left, ChotoMa and Babu called me in their room. There was file
opened in front of him.
He showed me few papers and said---These are some papers.
He handed me a account book and said that---It contains some bank
balance in your name, which your mother deposited for you.
He then handed me few fixed deposit papers and said---Your property
share has been sold of seven lakhs rupees. I have added more three
lakhs and that make it a total of ten lakhs rupees.
I sat on the bed and looked at those papers and then I asked to
ChotoMa---Are
you
giving
a
car
in
dowry?
ChotoMa
looked
at
me
and
asked---Who
told
you?
Tell me the answer. Are you giving a car or not? Is that car is the
price of my security? My voice sounded very stern when I asked
them.
Babu spoke in a persuading voice---Paree, it is not a dowry. We had
to gift you something special as we looked after you as our own. I
thought that why not a car. Half of which he is going to take loan from
his office.
What more burden of debt you all are going to put over my
shoulder? I spoke in a cold voice.
ChotoMa rubbed her palm on my head. I was very uncomfortable at
that moment.
I yelled out at her---Leave me. Do whatever you want, whatever you
like.
No
need
to
consult
me
or
ask
me
even.
Few days after that, Himadri and Niladri came to our house. We all
went to a Maruti Suzuki showroom in Park street. Himadri asked me as
what colour would I prefer for my car. A Maruti Baleno was to be
presented to Himadri. Present or price for my security?
I smiled and said---I have no choice of colours. Whatever you feel

better, you can have that.
He hugged me gently by my shoulder and said---Come on! Suchi.
White or black? Black is better.
Niladri said---White is good, but the scratches will be easily noticed.
Lets prefer the steel colour.
He looked at me and said---After all Boudis choice has to be
preferred. What is your choice?
I nodded my head like a timid girl and gave my acknowledgement for
the black colour, so as not to hurt Himadri. His gaze was expressing
that I should choose black, whatever be it in my mind.
On second week of November, Maithili arrived at our house.
She stayed by my side till the moment I sat before the sacrament pyre
and I was Mrs. Suchismita Karmakar.
Shopping was on its full fledged mode. I did not accompany in any
occasion of those shopping. Only once, I accompanied ChotoMa when
she went to buy the red Benarasi saree. ChotoMa and Maithili did
most of the shopping. I kept myself busy with the house chores and
reading books. I could not think of anything. Most of the time my mind
went blank.
I called Teesta and Delisha and
married.
They
were
very
One day Debobroto and Teesta
sitting
in
my
room,
Teesta asked me---So at last our
informed them that I was getting

happy
to
hear
that
news.
arrived to my house. We all were
Maithili
was
also
present.
Mita is getting married.
An
unknown
fear
and
pain
wringed
inside
my
chest.
Maithili looked at my face and answered to Teesta---You are her
friends, right.
Teesta could not understand as what she meant to say. She nodded
her head Yes.
Maithili gave a blank reply---Nothing as such. Just asking
One evening, ChotoMa and Babu called me to their room. They asked
me to sit as they need to tell me something very important. I looked
at
them
and
was
anxious
as
what
would
they
say.
ChotoMa spoke---Paree, we both know what we are doing for you. We
have something to tell you as you will be stepping in a new realm of
your life.
I asked them---What?
ChotoMa said to me---Just by meeting for few days, we cannot know
how a person is or how the family is. This is the truth. Everyone has
got a mask on their faces. As we keep on moving in our lives, we come
to know about those persons.
I was not clear as what they were trying to make me understand so I

asked again---Why are you telling these to me? I know that where I
am going is a total new horizon for me. I will try my level best to cope
with their family.
She soothed my cheek and said---Why I am telling these, is. Himadri
works in a coal mine and stays with his parents. His father is a coal
contractor. So it is hard to say how their mentality would be. But we
all hope for the best. You have got a good bank balance and fixed
deposits. Dont divulge all those details, till you find a appropriate
time. Understood?
Tears almost engulfed my eyes. I looked at Babu and said---You fixed
my marriage and now you are saying that you are not sure as what
type of family they are?
I bit my lower lips and looked at ChotoMa and said to her---What do
you want me to do?
She touched my palm and said---Be quiet, dont cry. After your
marriage all I want that, you need to pester Himadri so that he can
take a transfer to Kolkata in head office of Coal India Limited. You will
be near me, in-front of me.
I shook my head in dismay, clenched my jaws ChotoMa, what are you
doing? You have lost your son that does not mean that you can take
away another son from his mother like this.
She probably understood what I wanted to say---Paree. Whatever I
am saying is for your good only.
I sobbed out---ChotoMa, you know very well what was good for me.
Please dont hurt me more.
Babu was unable to take anything more so he left the room.
ChotoMa took my face, her eyes were also hazy---What you ask for, I
cant oblige that. That is a not done, Paree. Why dont you try to
understand? Everyone will curse me.
I removed her hand from my face in angst and pain---Please leave
me.
I walked out of the room, wiping my tears. My heart was paining.
Gradually the close relatives started pouring in. Indrani Di and her
family arrived few days before my wedding. Chandrani Di also arrived
with her family. Shasanko Da, Meghna and Dushtu also arrived.
The day Dushtu came, I was unable to meet his queer juvenile eyes.
Did he understood what was going inside my heart.
He asked me once---Abhi uncle is not coming?
I ruffled his silky hair and shook my head No.
At last the d-day arrived. Monday, second week of December. The
house was rumbling with guests.
A hall was booked for the wedding ceremony. A hotel was booked for
the grooms party.
The music of shenai was humming in the air all over the house. I was
virtually pulled up from my bed in early morning. I was unable to open
my eyes.
ChotoMa and few other elders came and said to me. That they would
offer some puja and after that I wont be able to take any food till the
rituals are finished.
Maithili winked at me and assured me that she wont keep me hungry
that long. I gave a faint smile. Only she understood what was going
through me.
In the morning, Niladri came with the turmeric paste from the grooms
house. The turmeric paste was to be applied on me as a part of the
ritual.
My relatives were very much happy when they were applying the
turmeric paste and sandal paste on me. Maithili gently rubbed the
paste on my cheek and hid her eyes over my shoulder. One by one
other ladies also applied the paste. I was taken for bath.
I came out from the bathroom in a turmeric yellow saree. ChotoMa
looked at my face and touched my chin. ChotoMa came and made me
wear a iron bangle, auspicious sign for every married woman. I walked
inside my room slowly. I observed that Teesta and Delisha has also
arrived. I smiled at them. Both were looking beautiful and was
enjoying my wedding. They were unaware of my pains.
I went to the drawing room, once. The moment I stepped into the
drawing
room,
my
feet
got
nailed
on
the
floor.
A huge painting was gracing the wall of the drawing room. ChotoMa
was looking at the painting.
The painting was of the theme of Death of Socrates. Socrates was a
great scholar, he was being given the hemlock venom by the guards of
prison. With one hand he was accepting the hemlock venom and with
the other he was explaining the philosophy to his students.
What a painting it was. I was dumbfounded as I saw the painting. I
looked at the corner of the painting. The signature was of him.
Abhimanyu, dated nineteen-ninety-one.
ChotoMa was missing her son very much. I understood that as she
was wiping her eyes as she stood in front of the huge painting. I
clenched my jaws and closed my eyes. Slowly I turned my back and I
didnt entered the drawing room.
Gradually the evening approached.
The beautician arrived. I was graced in the red Benarasi saree. The
lady drew designs on my cheeks and forehead with sandal paste. My
cheeks were embellished with roose. Lips were graced with red. Bluish
eye shades on the eyelids. My hair was tied in a bun, graced by

flowers and a thin red veil.
Maithili then bedecked me with heavy gold jewelries. Two long gold
earrings were dangling from my earlobes. One by one heavy gold
necklace were tied around my neck. She then put a pair of heavy gold
bangles on my wrist. All the time I was looking at her face. She was
also very silent. One by one some more bangles were put on. I felt a
tremble inside my chest. My hands shook gently. She held my hand
tightly in her clutch as she put the last bangle on my wrist.
She looked at my face, her nose flared up. Her chest shook, same as
mine. My eyes went hazy as she looked in my eyes. I was unable to
control my quivering lips. I bit my lower lips as she put the loose end
of the saree, aanchal, over my head gently.
She touched my cheek and wiped the few drops from the corner of my
eyes and smiled painfully at me. We both were alone in the room when
she was gracing me up for the sacrament. For the whole time, we
were silent. She knew very well that how helpless I was. She had lost
her vocabulary then.
I looked at myself in the large mirror of the dressing table. There was
a life-less beauty standing in front of the mirror with fake satisfaction
smeared on her lips. Everyone was happy in that house except me.
Every womans ultimate dream to get married was nothing but painful
and full of thorns, for me.
There was a knock on the door. Maithili opened the door and I was
surprised
to
find
my
eldest
brother
standing
there.
He came into the room and looked at me from head to toe. He gently
placed his soothing palm on my head and blessed me---I am a poor
brother, who has nothing to give you. So I just brought something for
you.
He handed me a piece of paper. I looked at that paper and asked him
what was that.
He told me---I have no one in this world. I was waiting for the day
you get married. I have sold my share of property and this is the fixed
deposit paper of seven lakhs.
I could not control myself anymore.
I cried out---NO. I cant take this. What about you? What are you
going to do?
He took out a small velvet box from his pocket and opened that. A
beautiful diamond ring was twinkling inside.
He said to me---I have sold all the gold jewelries of your Boudi and
brought this for you. I am leaving the house and will goto Haridwar or
Hrishikesh.
I shook my head repeatedly---You cant leave me like this. No, you
cant leave me like this. No.
It was not tears that were pouring from my eyes, it was the blood of
my heart that came out.
Maithili pressed my head on her lap as I saw my elder brother for the
last time. He walked out of the room wiping his tears.
I hugged Maithilis waist with all my strength and cried out looking at
the door---Please dont leave me Dada.
Maithili didnt let anyone to enter the room after that. She let those
tears
flow,
she
was
also
crying
along
with
me.
She said in a quivering voice---Paree, time has come.
I heard ChotoMas voice from the other end---Are you ready? We are
getting late, Paree. Groom will arrive anytime. Hurry up.
Maithili answered---Give us some moment. She looked at my face
and then she wiped my tears.
Maithili wiped her eyes and said to me---Paree we have to go.
I slowly stood up. Looked around the room. I touched my bookshelf
Goodbye. I touched my bed Goodbye. I touched my table where I
finished my M.Sc. Goodbye.
ChotoMa came inside and looked at me from head to toe.
Her eyes were sniveled---ShonaMa, you are looking very beautiful.
I threw my arms around her neck, cried out---Ma, forgive me.
She rubbed my back and whispered in my ears---Paree, you have to
burn everything that is in your heart in the holy flames of sacrament
before taking those seven steps.
I gently nodded my head Yes and walked out of the room along with
Teesta at one side and Maithili on another.
Delisha, Pushpanjali, Rajat, Debobroto Danish all were present and
accompanied with me to the ritual place.
I sat on the dais. Every relatives came to greet me and wish me luck.
Debobroto came to me along with Teesta. Teesta was wearing a
beautiful pink saree and she dressed according to the occasion. That
was her best friends wedding.
I smiled on seeing her jovial face---So you and Debobroto are going
on well.
Hearing that her face became red---He is very naughty.
Hmmmm.
I
could
not
stop
laughing
at
her.
Debobroto kneeled down before me and Teesta stood behind him. I
gave a queer look at them as I could not understand as what was he
or they going to do.
Debobroto took my hands, his lips quivered a bit---Mita, please dont
forget us. I got what I wanted just because of you. Our life is indebt to
you.
Teesta bit her lower lips and sobbed out---I was a very bad girl. It
was your words in that Globe cinema changed my life.
She threw her arms around my neck and sobbed out---Please dont
forget us.
I gently patted their back and lovingly shook my head---Totally
insane emotional peoples. How can I forget you two? Dont talk about
that. I will definitely come during your marriage.
Delisha
and
Danish
was
standing
behind
them.
Danish screamed out---Apa, what about me? You have forgotten me,
Apa?
I called him also to my side---Oh! come on. I assure all of you that
Dhanbad is not out of India. Wherever I will be, I will definitely attend
your wedding.
Indrani Di came to me---You never visited my house in Mumbai. This
time come with your husband.
Sure, I will I nodded my head showing a fake smile on my lips.
Niladri came and whispered in my ears---Boudi you are looking very
beautiful.
I smiled back at him.
My eyes searched for my eldest brother. He was nowhere. I asked
Maithili as where he was. She told me that Sumanto Da has gone
away, his train was at that night. He did not even waited for the rituals
of his youngest sisters marriage to get completed. Did he sensed the
actual truth of his little cute sisters heart? I would never know the
reason why he left.
Dipankar came to me.
I asked him---How is Kalyani?
Do you want to talk to her? he called Kalyani and handed me the
mobile. I was unable to speak.
My chest rumbled, it shook like a small twig---How are you?
She heard the silent sobs from the receiver and she said---Keep the
phone. I wont talk to you again.
I gently wiped the corner of my eyes and handed the phone to
Dipankar.
I
told
to
myself
I
am
helpless,
Kalyani.
I wanted to stop the time forever, but alas, time and tide waits for
none.
The night was getting darker.
ChotoMa came to me and said---ShonaMa, time has come.
She called Shasanko Da and Subroto Da to carry me on the wooden

plank to the ritual place. Debobroto and Danish was on front two
corners of the wooden plank. My brothers were on other corners. They
made me sat on the wooden plank and carried me to the place, where
Himadri was standing.
A huge rumble rose in the whole hall as the bride approached. All the
noise were very disturbing for me. Even after that I had to keep
smiling like a Japanese doll.
I garlanded him and then he garlanded me. I looked in his eyes. His
eyes were flashing with some victorious smile. I could not hide my
smile on seeing his face. I smiled back.
I saw Babu sitting at the main ritual place, along with the priests. He
sat there to perform my Kanyadan. Since morning I have not seen
him near me. I looked at him before sitting opposite to Himadri, in
front of the brass kalash. He silently wiped the corner of his eyes as
he
handed
my
right
hand
on
Himadris
left.
The priests were reading the shlokas and hymns of marriage.
Everything
sounded
very
mechanical
to
my
ears.
The rituals went on. Maithili tied the loose end of my red Benarasi
saree with the white Dhuti of Himadri.
Then the decisive moment arrived. I had to take the seven steps along
with Himadri. I closed my eyes before getting up from my seat.
Looked at ChotoMa and Maithili. They both smiled at me and gently
nodded their head. With each step, I felt my past was burning in that
flame.
After it was complete, Himadri dipped his ring in the small round
container of red vermillion and smeared that on my centre part of
hairdo. The ring first touched my forehead and was rubbed till few
inches upward. Forehead, the place he kissed was then graced with
some other persons red vermillion. I never dreamt of that. Not a single
speck of red vermillion fell on my nose. It was a lovely superstition
that if the specks of red vermillion powder touches the nose tip of the
bride,
then
the
groom
loves
her
very
much.
Everyone in the crowd asked me to tilt my head so that few specks at
least could drop on my nose tip. I laughed at them and gently bent my
head forward, even after that, not a single speck dropped on my nose
tip. Maithili shouted to all persons over there---Enough. She need not
to shake her head like a cow. Every person present there, thought
that she was concerned about my tiredness of the long ritual. Only I
knew, she was trying her level best to guard me from any type of pain.
But she was also bounded by fate and who would hear her cry?
A solitary drop of aqua brewed in corner of my left eye. I stealthy
wiped that drop. That drop of aqua was a mixture of pain and fear,
angst
and
anonymity,
vacuum
and
dark.
I asked my heart---Am I happy? I dont know. I am doing my duty to
repay my debts of my foster parents.
I bolted every bit of my dark past inside a box and threw it into the
abyss of the ocean.
Paree was burning in the flames in front of me. Mita just left my
side. It was Suchi who sat there in front of the sacrament flames
with blank expressionless eyes and fake glimmer on the face.
Chapter 3: Cardinal Waves (#1)
Chapter 3: Cardinal Waves
A new chapter of my life in a absolute unknown horizon was opened. I
had
to
keep
my
pace
according
to
my
surroundings.
I told to myself on the first day Love huh! Hard to find in this cruel
world where everything is materialistic. One thought that I was
unable to come into terms that ChotoMa and Babu had bought my
security by presenting a car in dowry.
Himadri was caring as all new husbands. I stayed very cold and calm
in the first week after reception. He probably sensed that I was living
in some fear and pain. He understood that due to some reason I was
unable to open up. He did not delved into my privates till we were
alone. He wanted all those fantasies to brew with understanding and
love. My vacuum soul had some respite due to his soft rays of
compassion.
On the first week of January, we went for our
honeymoon. ChotoMa and Babu came to airport to see-off.
On the plane Himadri asked me---This is your first time on the
plane?
---No, I have been to Delhi earlier.
---Ok. I thought this is first time. As you are looking very nervous.
I smiled on myself I was nervous due to the type of fantasies you are
going to experiment. My face became red and I looked the other way.
He rubbed his nose on my nape and whispered---Your fragrance is
making me insane, Suchi.
Softly I placed my palm on his cheek and pushed away his face. I
whispered---Hey! This is plane. Dont do like that here. Everyone is
looking at us.
He took my right palm and placed it on his cheek. I closed my eyes as
my soft fingers got pressed on his raw cheek. He straightened up and
whispered---I am not cuddling any others wife? Am I?
He smelled my fingers and I felt his warm breath on my fingers. All the
pores of my left arm unfurled its petals.
I cooed out---Himadri, please.
Ok honey. He winked at me The beach will catch fire.
I could not hide my shy smile so I looked out of the window.
The resort was near to the airport, beside the famous Corbyns Cove
beach. A cottage was booked for us.
We reached our resort by noon. The sunshine was very sweet. The
weather was amorous, neither warm nor chilled. The winds were
blowing from the sea. All the cottages were sea facing and it was east
side.
I went near the huge glass window and pushed open the panes. I was
wearing a blue chiffon saree and my long tress suddenly flew due to
gush of wind that came from the sea. The waves were crushing on the
seashore on the sparkling yellow sands. The white froths crushed on
the shore and the swoosh sound made me weak. The amorous wind
tried to unlock few moments but I kept myself contained and leaned
over the window to devour the beauty of the sea and sand.
The beach was of U shape and on the northern corner a small island
could be seen. Huge trees were all over the sides of the beach.
Suddenly I felt warm breath on my shoulder. I closed my eyes as
Himadri placed his arms around my bare tummy and held me in his
tight embrace. He gently nibbled the back of my head with his nose
and took a deep breath. I held his hands tightly as I felt his nose tip on
the back of my head. I tilted my head back as his nose grazed over my
nape down to my bare shoulder.
Goosebumps awakened all over my neck. My face became warm by
the friction of his strong fingers grazing and kneading my tummy. His
teeth came near the broach on my blouse and he nibbled the round of
my shoulder. His wanton bites made me jelly.
With a sudden thrust he turned me towards him and his lips crushed
on mine. I placed my palms on his chest and felt that his chest was
bare. His heartbeats thumped on my soft palm. His roughness made
the
depressed
sullen
fairy
to
unfurl
unwillingly.
He scooped me and threw me roughly on the bed and came on me.
Even before I could gather myself up, my dress was lying on the
wooden floor. The moment he rushed in my domain, I bit my lower
lips and closed my eyes. A tiny drop of liquid pearl drenched my
eyelash.
A sweet and torrid way to love and that was Himadri. A strong rough
coarse mountain under the soft white snow.
Himadri brought out a sky blue knee length sheer sleeveless frock. The
moment I saw that sheer negligee on his hand, my face became red
and
turned
my
face
away
to
hide
my
blush.
He came near me and asked---I bought this for you. Dont you like
it?
I nodded my head---Yes it is beautiful. I took that from his hand and
went inside the bathroom. There was a lustful grin on his face as he
observed
my
shyness
smeared
all
over
my
face.
I came out after taking my bath in that dress that he presented. The
cool breeze coming from the window drenched me in sweat of some
unknown turbulence. Himadri changed himself to a Bermuda shorts
and a sleeveless vest.
He came near me and took my face between his palms. He whispered
in my ears---You are looking gorgeous, Suchi.
I looked pale as I heard him say those words. My eyes suddenly
turned hazy.
He patted gently on my back and asked me What happened Suchi? I
am here.
I wiped my tears and looked at him. I exhaled a deep gush out of my

chest and smiled---Nothing Himadri. I was just .
I could not even finish my sentence, he cut short that sentence with a
deep kiss on my lips.
He broke his kiss after a long time. My whole figure was shaking as his
fingers traced every contours of my curvaceous figure. I wrapped my
arms around his neck.
He took my hand and asked me---Lets us walk on the beach.
I was taken aback by his suggestion. I screamed out---WHAT? You
want me to go out like this? No Himadri.
He pleaded and pulled me by my hand---Come On Suchi. We came
here for our honeymoon.
I got annoyed---But that does not mean that I will go out in this
sheer negligee, Himadri.
He almost pulled me out on the balcony---You beauty is simply
irresistible. See out on the beach, who is there wearing full dress?
I clenched my right fist. I was about to break in tears---You know my
nature Himadri.
He clenched his jaws and gave a pleading look at my face. He let my
hand go and walked silently in the room. After sometime he came out
with a sarong and asked me to wrap around my waist.
Now
is
that
ok
for
you?
He
smiled
at
me.
I nodded my head and smiled---You wont buzz from your nature.
He made a naughty face and gestured me to walk along with him.
Unwillingly at first, I stepped out. The cool breeze caressed my bare
arms and my warm face. He put his left arm around my waist and
pulled me towards him. The fine grains of sand felt awesome under my
bare feet. At times the waves crushed near my feet. That was the first
time I was on a sea beach. I looked around those tall coconut and
palm trees.
We walked till the end of the beach. The sun went down on my left.
The sky was painted with golden yellow and orange stokes of pastel
paint. The breeze suddenly shook me. Himadri felt my turbulence and
looked at me.
---What happened?
Nothing. I looked down and answered. The humid breeze brought
some humid memoirs in my soul. I bit my lips hard to douse the
memoirs.
He asked me to sit down on the beach and I obeyed him.
He looked at my cold face and asked---You are very timid and shy in
nature.
Were
you
like
this
from
the
beginning?
I nodded my head Yes
Only my heart knew No, I was a vibrant girl. I was a puerile fairy of
my unicorn. Oh! No what I was thinking. This is not done. I should not
do this.
He lied down on the beach on his back. I sat cowered with my knees
folded and arms resting across my knees. My chin rested on my knees
and I looked towards the infinite sea. The horizon looked very calm.
He spoke after a long time---I am bit rough in nature. Is not it
Suchi?
I looked at his face trying to fathom as what does he want to say.
He turned towards me and said---Most of the time I stay along with
the workers and low class people. To tame them, they only understand
the cane. They understand slang language. I had to use foul language
always.
He touched my bare right arm and traced my soft skin till my
shoulder.
It
send
a
sweet
tingle
down
my
spine.
---You know, I am very arrogant. I am very stern. I love myself a lot.
I cant take no for any answer. If any one denies me, then blood
gushes in my brain.
I exhaled a deep breath out of my chest and said---I will try my best
not to make you angry.
He kissed the round of my right shoulder and whispered---I know you
will.
Women are like water, they take the shape of the tumbler in which it
is poured. I didnt said those words to him, instead---Himadri,
change is evitable in this world. The only constant thing in this world is
change.
I smiled at him and said---You are engineer and I am a physics
student,
so
we
both
know
about
Quantum
mechanics.
He laughed out and patted my cheeks---My darling. Can you think of
something else other than physics?
I
constricted
my
nose---If
I
say
no,
then?
He suddenly pinned me down on the sand and came on me out in the
open---Then you know.
I patted his cheek and whispered---Let me go. Not in the open.
He kissed me sweetly and stood up.
We walked towards the cottage, arms in arms. I pointed to the solitary
island on the north side of the beach---Will we visit that island?
He looked back over his shoulder to the island and said---If time
permits.
He then grinned at me and danced his brows. I understood the
meaning and turned my face away to hide my coy face.
After sometime I asked him---Himadri, you promised me that you will

allow me to do a job.
He stopped and looked at me---Why do you want a job? There is no
need of that.
I turned my face away from him---You promised me Himadri.
Suchi, my dad is very strict person. He wont allow his daughter-inlaw
to
go
out
and
work.
he
spoke
calmly.
I looked over my shoulder so as to fathom as who was talking, was it
Himadri or my father-in-law.
From his writhing pleading eyes, I understood that it was my father-inlaw who was speaking.
I shook my head in dismay and bit my lower lips My dream, my
ambition is drowning beneath the horizon of the Bay-of-Bengal.
I folded my arms across my chest and walked towards the cottage,
leaving Himadri behind. He stood perplexed on the beach, alone and
helpless. The evening was dark. I felt How alone we are in this
world.
Before the dinner, he asked me---What do you like for dinner?
Seafood is ok for you?
I gave a soft smile at him said---I havent tasted sea-food. I am from
village, you know that very well. I would like to have plain Indian food
preferably Bengali ones are better.
He didnt wait for my sentence to finish, he picked up the phone and
ordered for crab.
We
sat
on
the
balcony
looking
towards
the
sea.
He asked me---I am really at my wits end that how can a beautiful
lady be so calm and quiet.
I smiled at him---Why? What type of girl you liked?
He joked---I wanted a jovial lady in my life. Your eyes and your smile
captured me.
I laughed at him and said---See I am laughing, now satisfied.
He shook his head---You are too much, Suchi.
Again there was a silence between us.
Suchi he spoke up I have a question?
---What?
He took a deep breath---Your ChotoMa has a son. He was not present
at our wedding. Where is he?
I closed my eyes and an impetuous chill ran through my frame.
I answered very calmly---I dont know.
He was surprised by my answer---You dont know? How can that be?

I asked your ChotoMa about Abhimanyu. They also didnt give proper
answer. Is he alright? I mean what happened to him?
My chest trembled and a huge torrential wave brewed inside my heart.
I clenched my jaws. In that low light probably he didnt noticed my
facial tension. Somehow I restrained myself from breakdown and
answered---Last information I had, he was in New Delhi. I dont know
anything more than that.
---You two must be very close. What type of person he would be that
he didnt attend our wedding? I asked your younger sister-in-law,
Maithili
also.
She
also
averted
my
query.
Lighting flashed in my head We are not very close. We are two bodies
one soul. My heart used to pump in his chest and his still pumps in
mine. You wont understand. I dont know where he is. My fate, his
fate
and
the
cruel
world
brought
me
on
your
lap.
Instead I queried him---Why are you asking me these? You could
have asked ChotoMa.
Just
then
there
was
a
knock
on
the
door.
He got up and I felt relieved. A huge boulder just got off my chest. I
was on the verge of break down and the room service was my savior. I
wiped my eyes and gathered myself up from the balcony. The room
service served the dinner.
I looked at the red Australian crab on the white china plate. As it was
looking at me.
I smiled at Himadri and asked him---How to break this and eat?
He laughed at me and said---Wait. There are pliers and stick.
I made an annoying face by twitching my lips---Eeeeeee.. we have
to poke inside that crab?
He laughed at me---Yes dear.
He broke the shell and the smell of the crab flesh made me dizzy. I felt
a lump pushing in my throat.
He looked at me and asked---What happened?
I somehow controlled myself so as not to bother him---Nothing. I am
ok.
He mixed some red wine and scooped with spoon and placed near my
lips. He signed me to take that.
The odour of the crab and mixed with wine made me feel dizzy. I felt
strange sensation in my head. In spite of all those, I took the food
from the spoon. As it went in my throat, my whole body shook.
I somehow finished the dinner. He asked me all the time as how was
the food. I nodded my head to express that it was good. Last of all I
could not control my uneasiness and went inside the restroom and
vomited. Himadri got tensed as he found me vomiting. He rushed to
the restroom and poured water on my face and head.
His voice was tensed---Are you Ok? You could have told me that you
dont
like
crabs.
I
would
not
have
ordered
then.
I looked at him and said---You already placed the order before I
finished my sentence.
Sorry Suchi. He hugged me from behind and rubbed his nose on my
nape.
My head was spinning, I was too weak and I was about to fall down.
His strong arms around me deterred me from falling down. He scooped
me in his arms and lifted me to the bed. He laid me down on the bed
and covered me with the bed-cover.
He sat beside me and asked politely---Feeling ok?
I nodded my head Yes.
I closed my eyes and tried to take rest.
After sometime I opened my eyes and found him sitting outside the
cottage on the balcony with a bottle of liquor. I felt itching sensation
on my skin. In the low light of the night lamp, I looked at my arms
and chest. Rashes were all over my arms and chest.
I slept alone on the huge bed.
First night of my honeymoon. I was alone with my void soul on the
bed and my husband was in the balcony with his bottle.
I was down with fever for next two days and we could not go out of
the resort. I saw the tension in his eyes. He was very much concerned
about me. He was feeling depressed and was continuously blaming
himself for my ill-health. However, I felt that I ruined our honeymoon.
I asked him---Himadri, you are angry upon me due to my fever?
He looked at my face and said---No, I am not angry upon you. I am
disappointed with myself.
I came near him and touched his hand---Dont feel sad, Himadri. Out
journey has just started. Several crest and troughs are waiting in front
of us.
He looked painfully at my face---Sometimes, it is very hard to
understand you, Suchi. Your bewitching beauty has several hidden
tales. Most of the time, your eyes are expressionless and that look
haunts me.
I laughed at him and joked---My expressionless eyes? Didnt that
captured you, Himadri?
He scooped me up from the bed and carried me to the balcony. I sat
on his lap, hugging his neck with my arms. He held me tightly around
my
waist.
I
forgot
all
the
pains,
my
heart
bore.
I looked out to the infinite horizon of the emerald green and blue
coloured sea. The waves and the white froth crushing on the yellow
ochre sandy beach.
His fingers were kneading my soft tummy gently over my gown. His
touches gave a tingling sensation on my tummy. He rubbed his head
and face on my cushy bosoms. I was not wearing any innerwear, so
the friction heated my bosoms up and I cooed softly---Himadri..
He looked at my squint
I moaned---Not here, Himadri.
eyes
and
asked
me---What?
He hugged me tightly and pressed his head on my cleavage. He was

still for quite some time, he did not moved a muscle.
He looked up to me and said---Do you believe that life is a cycle?
I gave a queer look at him and asked---What does this mean?
---I mean to say that, do you believe that past catches up in ones
life?
I have a bitter past with broken heart and bleeding soul. I dont know
what happened to him. I dont know why he did this to me. I dont
know even that who am I. My question was Has he come to know
about my past? What will be his reaction if he comes to know about
my bleeding soul. I could not make things out from the look on his
face.
I asked---Why are you telling this?
He looked at the horizon of the sea and said in a low voice---I had an
old flame during my college years. She cited the reason of caste and
creed and our relation snapped. I persuaded her a lot, that cast and
creed wont hamper our relation. But, she was not willing to come in
terms.
My soul writhed and I cursed myself. I smiled to myself What a pair of
broken hearts the heaven has made. Should I divulge my soul to him
or not? However, some unknown magnetic force restrained me from
divulging my extinct flames. The only thing I could think that time that
He has kept the flame burning inside his soul. My flames doused with
the
pyre
of
my
mother
and
my
sacrament.
I ruffled his hairs with my soft fingers and said to him---I will make
that up, Himadri.
He looked at me, his lips touched mine. He cooed out---Promise,
Suchi.
His
face
turned
hazy,
due
to
my
I took his face between my palms---Promise.
brewing
eyes.
Yes, I made that promise. It was half heartedly. Why it was

halfheartedly? I dont know the reason.
Next day morning, it was fourth day of our trip. I felt better. I was still
in the bed. My sleep was broken by a soft jingle. I looked with my
sleepy eyes. I found Himadris smiling face in front of me. He was
sounding the cup of tea with the spoon and cooed in my ears---Come
on sleepy damsel. Time to get up.
I pulled myself up and looked at my chest. The upper part of my nightdress was much below as where it should be. I pulled the bed-sheet till
my chest and looked at him. He touched my forehead and felt my
temperature.
---No fever. So how are you feeling.
I stretched my arms overhead. His lewd gaze on my bosom made me

writhe in bed. With my squint eyes I scolded him softly---Dont look
at your sleeping beauty, like that.
He stooped forward and whispered---Am I looking to some others
wife darling?
I pushed his face by his forehead---I have to freshen myself up.
Hmmmm. Surely. So where do you want to go today? He asked
me.
I glanced over my shoulder as I entered the restroom---How come I
know? You have brought me here.
---Cellular jail is the main attraction on Port Blair. After breakfast we
are going there.
I dressed up in a beautiful chiffon pink sari and sleeveless blouse as to
comply his request. My bun was resting on my nape. He asked me to
put some flowers in my bun, which I obeyed. I finished my gracing
before the dressing table. He looked at me in the reflection and came
behind me. Put his arms around my waist and pressed his lips on my
shoulder.
---Do we have to go to Cellular jail, darling?
I tightened his embrace around me. I felt somewhat secured. I cooed
in his ears---We have the whole night at our disposal Himadri.
He loosened his grip and said---Ok.
We entered the premises of the famous Cellular jail of Port Blair.
Without visiting this place, the Andaman trip would have been
incomplete, I felt. There were only three blocks each of three stories of
cells present. The guide explained us that, all other blocks were
destroyed due to natural calamities. During the British rule, our Indian
freedom fighters were locked up in these cells. Those cells were small
and dingy with only a small window at the top. The guide took us to
the cell where Savarkar was jailed. The gate was three fold.
I looked at Himadri and asked---How he fled from this cell?
Himadri looked at me and joked---Push me by the cliff, I will goto him
and ask.
I started to beat him---Dont ever joke at me like that.
We observed that there were few inmates also present. I asked the
guide as why there were inmates in the jail, if it was closed one.
He explained that, those were castaway fishermen from Burma.
The guide then showed us the museum where the whips and other
torture tools were in displayed. There was a clay statue of a man
chained on a nailed wooden block. I looked at his painful face and then
looked at Himadri.
He looked at me and understood that I was unable to stand those
sightings. He hugged me closely we came out.
By the evening we were in our cottage. I changed myself to a simple

salwar and walked alone on the sandy beach. I looked over my
shoulder, Himadri was reclining in the chair on the balcony sipping his
favourite
drink.
I came back after an hour.
He said to me---Your ChotoMa called.
I shrugged my shoulder---Whats new. And I walked inside the
cottage.
---Not that. She was concerned about your health and she asked us
to return.
I was astonished and angry---WHAT? She has asked us to return?
---Yes. What is your opinion, Suchi?
I looked at his face and came near him---What do you want to do?
He handed me the phone and asked me to call ChotoMa.
I asked him again as what he wanted. He answered---I dont want to
offend your ChotoMa. Since you are not pulling well so I think it will be
better that we return tomorrow.
I called up ChotoMa---How are you and Babu?
---We are fine. But I heard that you had fever?
---Yeah, just like that. All new places and sea water.
She sounded cold---ShonaMa, dont lie at least. Himadri told me that
it was due to the crab. You had rashes. I am concerned about you.
Come back.
I shook
---Yes.
my
A
head---ChotoMa, you are too much concerned.

little
bit.
Give
the
phone
to
Himadri.
I handed him the phone. They talked for some time and then asked
me to pack the bags.
Last night in the cottage of our honeymoon. Himadri tossed me over
and over again on the ridge of soft love and passionate embrace as we
melted ourselves. I stitched my torn soul to mend it with what was at
my disposal. I apprehended that I had to contended myself with the
snowflakes that I had.
I rested my head on his broad chest and he was gently scratching my
scalp. He spoke in a low voice---Suchi..
I whispered---Yes
---I have another request to make.
---Hmmmm
---I dont want to start a family early.
I pulled up and rested on my elbow and looked at his face---Why?

---We have married just now. I dont want to start a family so early,
Suchi. I asked him---What if your parents coaxes us to start?
---I dont have the answer but you have to cite some reason.
I closed my eyes and lay down on the pillow---I dont know Himadri. I
am too feeble to stand against anyone. If you can manage then make
your parents apprehend if they coax for grandchild. Anything that will
come in future I will not turn my face away from that.
Just then the mobile rang. It was near Himadri so he answered.
---No we havent slept yet. How come you are awake at this time?
I turned towards him and asked as who has called. It was midnight.
He
handed
me
the
phone,
it
was
Maithili.
She
asked
me---How
are
you
doing,
Dear?
At first I was skeptical as I didnt have the correct answer as how I
was. I looked at his face as he was looking at me and answered---I
am doing fine.
I heard her giggle on the other end. I wrapped the gown around my
torso and walked to the balcony.
---Why have you called at this time?
She answered---Just like that, Paree. I only wanted to know as how
are you doing?
I pressed the phone with all my strength to my ear and stammered
out---I.. Am Doing Fine. Churni Good Night
Return flight back to Kolkata. I was very quiet all along the journey.
The unnatural silence was pinching hard on both of us. He probably
understood something. I looked out the window. The blue sky and blue
ocean beneath. One could not demarcate as where one has ended and
the other started. Himadri touched my shoulder to bring me back.
He asked me---Something wrong? Why are you so calm and quiet?
I smiled at him as I felt a pain in my soul. The pain was, as if I was
again being caged from one ivory chamber to another---Nothing
---I know what you are thinking.
I
constricted
my
brows
and
asked
him---What?
He let out a deep breath---Dont worry about the job. I have already
spoken to the Director of a school. They were searching for a Physics
teacher. Indian School Of Learning. The school is situated in the ISM
campus.
I could not control my feelings, my eyes brewed and my lips quivered.
I gave a grateful look at him. He took my face between his palms and
with is thumbs, wiped the rolling tears from my cheeks.
He
whispered---I
will
persuade
mom
and
dad.
I felt like hugging him with all my strength but I restrained as we were
in an airplane.
ChotoMa was there at the airport to greet us. I was surprised to see
Niladri to be present to greet us. I ran towards ChotoMa and hugged

her tightly. She kissed my head. I smiled at Niladri and exchanged
courtesy pleasantries.
Himadri asked Niladri as how come he was there? He answered that
my ChotoMa informed my in-laws about my ill-health so my father-inlaw send him to take us back.
We all were in the drawing room after dinner. ChotoMa was asking
about our trip. Himadri looked at the painting of Death of Socrates
that Abhimanyu painted and that graced the wall of the drawing room.
I looked at the painting and devoured the creativity for some time.
Himadri asked ChotoMa---Abhimanyu did not attend our wedding?
ChotoMa looked at me. I feigned that I had not heard as what they
said. My gaze was still then locked on the painting.
ChotoMa answered---He came two days ago. He left today morning
citing some urgent work.
Her answer made my ears burn as if someone has poured hot oil on it.
I clenched my jaws and gave a fiery look at ChotoMa. My heart
thumped loudly inside my chest as if it would burst out any moment. I
closed my eyes while those lies poured in my ears.
She
nodded
her
head
and
said---Yes
he
came.
Himadri looked at me and then at ChotoMa---What type of person he
is? He left without meeting us?
---He was asking about you. I told him that you have gone for your
honeymoon. He was happy.
He asked---Suchi and Abhimanyu must be very close. Was his job
that much important than her?
ChotoMa looked at me and then answered to his query---They were
not so much close. He actually left home before she came here.
Himadri nodded his head. What he understood I did not know---But,
he
must
have
come
in
the
last
two
years,
right?
I hissed out at ChotoMa---Stop this. I am tired. I looked at Himadri
and
asked
him
whether
he
want
to
rest
or
not.
I knew by my heart and soul that ChotoMa was telling lie, but I did not
questioned her. I stood up and said that I wanted to rest.
I walked inside the bathroom and looked my face in the mirror. It was
red. My nose tips flared and a painful gurgle brewed inside my chest.
Why I have to hear his name time and again. I want to forget him. I
splashed water on my face, but that was not enough to drench my
stringent pain in my soul. I clenched my fist and thumped on my
bosom, but the fire was not doused yet. I looked up again and
straightened up myself. I said to myself Enough Suchi. Stop thinking
about him. You are now Mrs. Karmakar. Forget what you had and
embrace what you have. He is your past and your future is with you.
Love and live what you have got.
I walked in my room. I looked at the bookshelf and my bed.
Everything was graced for our arrival to welcome Mr. Himadri
Karmakar and Mrs. Suchismita Karmakar.
Chapter 4: Neoteric Vista (#1)

Chapter 4: Neoteric Vista
We started early morning from ChotoMas house. She was crying.
She hugged me on her bosom and whispered---ShonaMa, be a good
girl.
I
was
unable
to
control
my
tears
also.
Himadri hugged me and gently ushered me in the car. He assured to
ChotoMa that he would take care of her daughter like a pearl on a
lotus leaf. I looked at the house. I looked at the window of the drawing
room. Suddenly I felt that Abhimanyu was standing there. I smiled
painfully and boarded the car.
We drove back to Dhanbad. It was a long drive of about seven hours.
Niladri
was
driving
and
Himadri
was
beside
me.
We reached the house. My new realm was waiting for me.
The house was in Hirapur, behind Durga Mandir. House was duplex.
Not as large as my ChotoMas house. On the ground floor, there were
two bedrooms, one kitchen and one huge drawing room. In one room,
Niladri used to stay and one room was for us. There was a study in the
ground floor, in which my father-in-law used to spend his time with his
associates. He was a coal contractor. Due to that reason, our house
was always filled up with lots of people. Mostly of which were rough
and coarse in nature. There was a worship-room in the first floor. I
used to get up early in the morning, take bath, and finish my daily
worship before entering the kitchen. That was my daily routine since
my childhood days. Even when I was in Kolkata, not for a single day I
missed my worship.
I came to know that my father-in-law and mother-in-law got married
at a very early age. He was only twenty-three and she was just
nineteen. Himadri was their first child.
ChotoMa and Babu paid for all the furniture for my room. It was
bought without my consultation. It was bought my Himadri and Niladri.
I came to know that Niladri opposed to buy those furniture. He
suggested that since we have to live together so all those should be
bought according to my choice. But later I came to know that it was
my father-in-laws order that the furniture to be bought so that his
daughter-in-law does not sleep in a simple cot on her first night.
One side of the wall of my room, there was a huge cupboard. I looked
around my room and was contended.
A typical old mitigated mentality of my mother-in-law was unfurled
gradually. Kitchen was her main domain. I was instructed that the
males were to finish their dinner before she and I could sit for dinner. I
cursed myself. Not in my native, place neither in my house in Kolkata,
I was instructed with such dictation.
The day I first stepped into the kitchen, my mother-in-law explained
me like a teacher. The cupboard had several small containers of the
spices and cookeries all labeled. The sink was in one corner of the
black marble top.
She said, pointed to five glasses (what was different in them I could
not make out) and said to me---Everyone in this house has their own
glasses to drink. You should remember this.
On the first day of his office, after our honeymoon. He was getting
ready for his office. I was near the cupboard arranging his shirts and
trousers. It was January and winter in Dhanbad was an extreme one.
He wore a black pinstripe shirt over his pair of jeans. I was watching
him with the corner of my eyes as he was glancing and giving me a sly
smile all the time while buttoning his shirt.
After sometime, he came near me. I flinched my brows as I expected
him to do some mischief with me. He pressed himself against my back
and stretched out to take out something from the cabinet of the
cupboard. The metallic nozzle froze me there. It was a pistol. I became
stiff in fear. I was dumbfounded to see the weapon. Every pores of my
skin rose. I shook in his arms. He deduced that I was caught by a
sheer panic.
Slowly I turned towards him, engulfed within his embrace and looked
at his face. He figured out from my pale face that I was very much
agitated by seeing the weapon.
He spoke in a very calm voice as he tucked the weapon behind his
back, in the belt of his jeans.
---Suchi, dont panic. This is what I wanted to tell you long ago but
somehow I could not.
My eyes were filled up with tears of angst. I yelled at him---What is
this Himu?
He took my crying face between his palms and asked me to stop
crying.
---Please dont look at me like that, Suchi. I will explain everything.
---What do you want to explain? It is like that I do not know you at
all, Himu. Why you kept me in dark?
He gently wiped my wet trails from my cheek and with a persuading
voice---Suchi, Suchi, Suchi. Try to understand
I
yelled
at
him---Understand
what,
Himu?
He let out a deep breath out of his chest---I am a manager of a coal
mine. To work in a coal mine is dangerous. I am always surrounded by
rough goons. I have to handle coal mafias and dangerous people every
day.
I clasped my arms around him very tightly. I could hear his heart
thumping loud inside his chest. My tears soaked a part of his shirt.
He gently rubbed his hand on my head---Come on, Suchi. Nothing is
going to happen to me. For past seven years, this was my bodyguard.
Niladri works with my dad. He carries one. My dad also carries one all
the time. It is a part of my life now, Suchi.
It was more of a pain than fear that filled up my soul Where I have
come? Slowly, I unwrapped my arms from his torso and walked away.
He touched my hand and pleaded to me---Give a sweet smile before I
leave for office. If my darling wife cries like this, then I will not be able
to work, dear.
I wiped my tears and smiled at him---Promise that you return in one
piece.
He nodded his head---Promise.
He stopped for a little while before going out of the room, looked back
at me. I stood still, clutching the chair and was praying for his safe
return. He threw a flying kiss at me and said---I will take you out
today for dinner after I return.
His office was in Jhamadoba Colliery, which was about sixteen
kilometers from Dhanbad.
In the evening, after he returned from office, he took me out for
dinner. We sat in the Kaveri restaurant near Bartand bus stand. It was
a good restaurant.
Himadri sat beside me and nudged my shoulder---Suchi, I am sorry
that I kept many things in dark. I did not want you to take
unnecessary tensions. I thought to explain you everything at proper
time. But that will come in this way, I have not dreamt of.
I looked at my plate and said---I am your wife now, Himu. Dont I
have the right to know as what my husband does? How he spend his
days in his office?
He spoke in a persuading voice---You do have the right. I will not
conceal anything from you. My dad is a coal contractor and he moves
around with goons all the time. We have many foes in our business.
Niladri handles most of the goons in the coalfields. Therefore, he also
carries a weapon along with him all the time. Even if I am a manager
but I have to defend myself from the goons so I do also carry.
My eyes glistened with pain as Where I had been put off? Was this my
fate that brought me here or was it man-made who wanted to change
my fate?
Very softly, he rubbed his finger on my cheeks to sooth my pains and
wiped my brewing eyes.
I smiled softly at him.
He looked deeply in my eyes and said---I will talk to dad about your
teaching profession. Do not worry. Whatever happens we will face that
together. I held his arms very tightly. I felt very much secured as he
put his right arm around me.
One evening, third week of January during the dinner, Himadri was
eating quietly along with Niladri and father-in-law. He looked at me
and then said to his dad---Dad, I was thinking that Suchi should take
up her teaching job.
My father-in-law looked at my face and said---Why she needs a job? I
told
you
beforehand
that
wanted
homemaker.
He sounded very stern. His voice shook me. I knew beforehand that he
would
not
allow
me
to
dwell
outside
his
house.
Niladri said---Dad, Boudi is highly educated. If she sits in the house
then it will be useless.
Himadri spoke---Dad, I dont want my wife to sit out in the house.
My father-in-law suddenly said something that made me burn in
shame and anger.
---What about the household works? I want my daughter-in-law to
cook for me.
Himadri looked at my face. I was looking down to the table and my
eyes were hazy. I could not speak a single word, as I felt that Was I
an
educated
maid?
Was
that
they
wanted?
Himadri apprehended my pains and he said---She will do her job,
Dad. I have made a promise to her on the first day.
After much of coaxing and explanation, my father-in-law gave the
permission for my job.
After few days, Himadri took me to the school. The school was inside
the ISM campus, Indian School of Learning. While we drove inside the
campus, he showed me his classrooms, his hostels, his mess. The
campus was huge. There were trees on both sides of the main road.
The
school
was
at
one
end
of
the
campus.
I got the job of a Physics teacher of senior section, in the school.
I called ChotoMa on the day I received the appointment letter. From
first week of February, I joined the school. I was very happy. A
rickshaw was fixed, to take me to the school and bring me back to
home after school. Until then I had closed all my doors and windows
around me. Gradually I started to open the windows to let fresh air to
breath in my soul. I had a job and I had a caring husband to look after
me.
The day, I received my first cheque; I called ChotoMa and informed
her. ChotoMa was very happy to hear that---So ShonaMa has at last
got what you dreamt of?
I pressed the phone with my ears---Thank you ChotoMa. I miss you a
lot.
---I also miss you very much. When can I see you?
I sobbed out---I will ask Himu, to take me to Kolkata. I want to see
you.
She said to me in a persuading voice---ShonaMa, you are now
someones wife. So you have to take his permission as well.
I asked Himadri that I wanted to goto Kolkata. He did not object to my
proposal.
We
drove
to
Kolkata
by
our
car.
I gifted ChotoMa a saree from the money of my first earning. She was
very happy and she said that it was the best gift she ever received
from anyone. She hugged me. I had to comeback by the weekend as I
joined the school just then. Himadri also joined his office after our
marriage. When we were to leave, ChotoMa asked me---Are you
happy? That was a question I did not have a proper answer. I did not
know then whether I was actually happy or just feigning to be happy. I
nodded my head to gesture that I was happy as Himadri was standing
next to me.
It was April second week. It was the birthday of Himadri. I acted as if I
had forgotten his birthday. He kept on knocking me, gesturing me
somehow. I was laughing inside all the while on seeing his
restlessness. He even called me during school hours. I acted very
indifferent towards him as if I had totally forgotten his birthday. While
returning from my school I went to Bank More to buy a Raymond suitpiece for him. I knew that it would cost me more than half of my
salary, but it was my first present for my dear husband. I knew that
he love to wear suits and he had only two blazers in his cupboard. I
bought the best I could get, a cream coloured suit-piece for him.
I returned late after shopping. My mother-in-law asked me as why I
was late. I told her the reason. She said to me that I should inform her
where I was going.
Until the dinner was over, he was in a shock that I had not wished
him. I already packed the suit in a gift-pack and kept that under the
bed-cover as a pillow. When we retired to our room, he hugged me
from back and rubbed his face on my nape. I feigned that I had
headache and was laughing within. He was very much depressed and
pulled the bed-cover to lie down. That is when he found the gift
packet.
He almost screamed in bliss and scooped me in his arms. I flung my
arms around his neck and rubbed my nose over his.
I cooed---Happy Birthday Himu.
The one thing I gradually noticed in that house that, Himadri and
Niladri used to booze every evening. At least they showed some
courtesy towards me. I was not asked to accompany them. At first, I
was skeptical that, whenever alcohol runs in veins of males then they
become more like beast. He used to booze a lot. Every night whenever
he was inebriated state and wanted to touch me. I became furious and
used to scold him a lot. However, all was ignored. I was in a real
painful state.
One night, everything went out of hand, when he tried to maul me in
that aberrant state.
I shouted at him---No, dont touch me.
He staggered a bit and fumbled with me. My soul burnt in rage and
slapped him hard on his face.
There was fire in his eyes and lewd look. He hissed at me---Dont
dare to talk to me like that.
I clenched my jaws and answered him in the same tone---Why dont
you leave me alone? You want to sleep, ok. Leave me alone. I will
sleep on the floor.
I picked up the pillow, quilt, placed on the floor, and slept in the floor.
That was just the beginning of the fight. I felt that it was useless to
talk to him about his booze.
My school days were going very well, but day by day, the routine was
getting hectic for me. Every day early in the morning I had to get up,
perform my daily puja. One thing that I did not want to miss during
my lifetime. Then I had to prepare breakfast. Even if there were maids
in the house but Himadri and his parents wanted me to cook.
Therefore, I had to prepare breakfast and then prepare myself for the
school. Yes, my mother-in-law helped me. However, that was
something else. Rather than helping me, she used to point out
mistakes.
One evening I was very much tired after my school, so I was taking
rest in my room. Himadri had not yet returned from office.
My mother-in-law yelled from the drawing room---Suchi, this is not a
time to sleep. What about the dinner?
I clenched my jaws and thought, What a woman she was. Somehow
I spoke---I am having headache.
You should have taken some medicines then. She came inside my
room and touched my forehead. I dont feel that you have any fever.
What, am I feigning my headache? but it was my in-laws house so I
had to keep my mouth shut. That day was the first day of my life; I
understood that mother is always a mother. Whether be it ChotoMa or
mother-in-law, no one can understand the pain of a daughter who
does not have a daughter of his or her own. Somehow, I carried
myself to the kitchen and started to cook. I heard the screeching
sound of the car. Himadri had returned. I gathered up courage after I
served him the tea in our room. He looked at my face; my eyes were
red as my head was spinning even after taking disprin.
What happened to you? his voice was tensed and he touched my
forehead.
My eyes glistened as I felt his soothing touch on my forehead. It is
only a headache.
He staggered---What? You have a headache and you are in the
kitchen? Why cant you take rest? Tomorrow you have school.
I was in a huge dilemma whether I should tell Himadri about those or
not. How would he react to my words? I was his wife and she was his
mother. I stood there still, looking at the table. He looked at my face
and placed his fingers under my chin.
He asked me---What happened?
I shook my head---Nothing, happened.
Why are you lying? He shouted Ma, what happened to Suchi?
I was taken aback by his sudden actions, my heart started to beat
very, very loudly inside my chest.
I looked up and pressed his lips with my hand---I told you, the
headache was nothing. Then why are making a mountain out of molehill?
He gently kissed my fingers and looked deeply in my eyes---So, it
was mom who insisted you to cook.
I shook my head again to persuade him No one forced me to cook.
He did not believed me, I sensed that, huge storm was about to come
in that house. I placed his hand on my head and asked him to
promise---Dont tell a word to your mother.
---First of all you tell me as what all happened.
---First promise that whatever I would tell you are not going to say a
single word to your mother.
---Ok. I do promise.
I told him the details. He heard all those, very keenly and shook his
head in dismay. After hearing all those, he let out a deep exhale from
his chest and looked away from me.
I
asked
him---I
told
you
to
keep
away.
am
ok.
---I am not concerned whether you are ok or my mother is ok. What

concerns me is that, this is the start of something.
---What do you want me to do. Are you asking me to leave my job,
just after two months?
He looked at me and said---No, I will not ask you to leave your job.
You can carry on with that, but you have to handle everything as they
suggest. You have to keep that in mind also.
My chest gurgled and I stood still in the room. I looked at him with
rage and glistening eyes and said in a very stern voice---Himadri, you
knew very, very well as what I wanted. I told you even before our
marriage.
So that was the fight that was about to take off. It was Niladri, who
entered in search of something in the room and we had to press a
brake in our conversation, which was turning to a bitter fight.
Days turned in months. The domain of mother-in-law and daughter-inlaw overlapped in the kitchen. Moreover, when there was an overlap, it
was evident to have fight in some way or the other. She did not like
my way of keeping the utensils in the rack. She did not like my way of
keeping the container in the cupboard.
One morning I was pouring water in the filter, she came behind me
and asked me as what I was doing. I said her that I was pouring water
as she could easily see that. Now that started in an argument as the
container from which I was pouring water was not the proper
container. I said to her that the container was a clean one, but she
was adamant. She made me to drain all the water from the filter to
the sink and then made me to wash the actual container which was
according to her was the water container. She then made me to pour
water from that container to the filter. I was boiling in rage, but I had
to do that without any single word. That day I was late for my school.
The fussy nature of my mother-in-law was evolving in front of me.
After few months of my school days, my in-laws started to pester me
for
a
grandchild.
I
kept
mum
on
all
those
words.
One night I told to Himadri---See, Himu, your parents have started to
pester me for a grandchild. As I told you earlier, you had to manage
them so it is now your turn. However, I remind you, if anything
happens anytime, and then do not blame me, as that will not be my
fault. It takes two hands to sound a clap.
One weekend we were standing in front of Puja Talkies after enjoying
a movie. It was a late evening show. There was a wine shop near the
cinema hall. Himadri pointed to that wine shop and said to me that he
used to buy wines from there whenever they came to enjoy movies,
during their college days.
I constricted my brows and asked him---So how was your college
days?
---Oh! Damn those days were awesome.
I smiled at him and asked---I have heard that the seniors rag juniors.
So
what
type
of
ragging
you
did
and
you
had.
He came near me and whispered in my ears---Do you really want to
hear?
I pulled myself back and looked at his face. There was a mischievous
smile on his face.
---Why, is there something bad or worse that you did?
He laughed and said to me---Ok. I will tell you about my ragging
days. But at night.
---Why not now, why at night?
---Come on Suchi. If I tell you now then I will do naughty things with
you and you.
I blushed on hearing his words and said to him---If it is like that
naughty then I dont want to hear.
He held me by my shoulders and said---I will surely tell you
explaining everything.
I slapped him on his cheek and said---NO, I dont want to hear all
those..
He hugged me tightly and said---I will describe everything to my
beautiful wife.
I looked down to hide my coy face. I asked him in low voice---Will
you take me to your office?
He looked at me and asked---You mean you want to goto colliery?
---Yes. What is the harm? I want to see where you work.

He scratched his scalp for some time and then---Hmmmmm. Ok I
will take you next weekend.
After dinner, I was resting on his chest. Himu started to tell about his
college days.
---First day in ISM was really bad. We all had to wear white shirt and
black pant. We had to form a line and go to the class room.
---Really, that is more like a school, is not it. Good that those
happened
with
you.
Such
a
naughty
fellah.
He started tickling me like hell---See, if now there are more of it.
I was laughing as he tickled me on sides of my tummy---Ok ok. I will
hear everything.
He started with his ragging experiences. I was enjoying at first as how
he
was
ragged
during
his
college
days.
---One day the seniors came to our hostel and asked us to form a line
in the field. And then asked each of us that whom do we admire most,
Tarzan or Superman.
I look at him and asked---What these cartoon characters to do with
the ragging?
---Some of the students, said their favourite cartoon character was
Tarzan and they were asked to pull down their pants and to run in the
field with just underwear.
I laughed my heart out, upon hearing his words
He continued---Those who told, that they loved Superman. They were
asked to put on their underwear over their full pants and then run in
the field.
I could not control my laughter and asked him---What was your
favourite
character
and
what
you
did?
He embraced me tightly, pulled me over him, and looked me in my
deep eyes. I felt melting by his deep gaze. He whispered---I love
Tarzan and you also.
I felt his hands roaming on my back and pulling me on him.
I yelled out in a veiled scolding voice---Stop that and what more they
did.
---One night the seniors came to our hostel and made us stand in a
line.
---Hmmm then what did they do with you all?
---The seniors did hell out of us. They all handed us a condom and
asked us to masturbate and fill the condom with our semen.
I shrieked---WHAT the hell? I was red-faced upon hearing his words.
I hid my face on his chest.
He pulled up my face; I felt his warm breath flooding my face.
He whispered in my ears---And you know very well that how much I

can fill.
That was too much for me. I started slapping him very hard---I dont
want to hear anything.
He laughed and started to kiss me all over. Made me insane with
passion and love. I felt melting in his torrential showers.
After his rough play, I asked him---Himu, your parents are pestering
me for a grandchild. My ChotoMa is also asking for, what have you
thought of?
He said a bit roughly, to me---Why dont you make some excuse and
try to avoid those questions?
I hissed at him---Why dont you ask your parents then?
---Suchi, tell me frankly as what is in your mind? What actually you
want?
I turned away from him and said---I am already twenty-eight, Himu
and you are thirty-two. I think it is high time.
---I dont want any discussion now.
I pressed the pillow on my face and doused my silent tears on the
pillow. No soothing touch from him. My chest pulsated; huge waves
crashed one after another. I excepted, his soothing touch on shoulder.
However, there was none.
Next weekend Himadri and I visited his colliery site. Jhamadoba
colliery was sixteen kilometers from Dhanbad. There were only huts
around the colliery. When we reached, it was noon. I found that the
workers were working in the mine. I looked around the place.
Everywhere there were heavy earthmovers machineries and worker.
Himadri said to me---Now you understand where I work.
The supervisor and other junior engineers came forward to greet me.
---Always I am surrounded by these workers class and low class
people, Suchi. See around you.
I saw two huge fans built in the walls of the mine. One was rotating at
high speed and other was off.
I asked Himadri as what was the use of those fans in coalmines.
He explained---Those fans are exhaust fans. They rotate twenty-four
into seven into three-sixty-five days. After one year we put-off one
fan, another is started.
He pointed to the quarries dug in the hillock and said---These are
burrows to enter the mine.
I saw rails on the ground and there were huge pullies to pull up those
wagons.
The conditions of workers were pathetic. Most of the workers were low
class people, Santhals mostly. Those worker had a simple so-called
helmet attached with a torch and a battery attached with their belt at
the back. The back portion of the pants, mostly damaged by the acidic
water of the battery. I felt like crying as I saw those workers. None
seemed to have their food two times a day. Yet they were working. I
stood at the entrance of the query and Himadri was standing by my
side.
I
asked
him---Do
they
shovel
the
coals
from
the
quarry?
---No, we do blasting of coal. I will explain you. See as we go on

inside the quarry, we dug coal. We drill into the coal-bed and put
dynamite sticks in a series connection. Then all those dynamites are
blasted and coal is then shoveled out on those trolleys that you see on
the rails.
---So there are machines to burrow inside the coal-bed or the
burrows are even dug by humans?
---There are drill machines. Those drill machines are held by these
workers to dig some twelve to thirteen feet deep burrow inside the
coal bed.
I looked at him What an inhuman practice I thought.
I asked him---Dont you feel that these are really inhuman practice.
He simply shook his head and said---This is life here, Suchi. Now do
you understand why I drink?
I shook my head---No, this is not the reason for your boozing. Dont
try to put a veil and give lame excuse.
From the month of May, the summer vacation was to start. Same time
I received the call from Kalyani that she was expecting her child. She
was my best friend; I did not want to miss her childbirth. She did a lot
for me. I told Himadri that Kalyani was expecting her first child and I
wanted to be by her side.
He joked at me on hearing that and asked me---Are you planning of
something?
I blushed and asked him---What do you want?
He held me tightly in his arms and kissed my face all over---I dont
know as of now. As of now I know I have the most beautiful wife in the
whole world.
He went insane when he loved me that night. The next day I was to
goto my native place. I informed Maithili and Kalyani well before hand
that I would be arriving. They were also very happy to know that I was
coming after a long time.
The day I stepped in my native house, I felt a huge void in my chest.
Maithili came forward to greet us. It was after five months, I returned
with my husband to my native place. My brothers and sister-in-laws
were very happy to see me. They were pleased with the presence of
Himadri also. He looked around the house and asked me as which was
my room. He asked me a lot of question about my childhood days. I
told him about my childhood days. There were few things better to
keep in dark, I felt. One thing I observed that Dushtu was not talking
to me as his usual days. He had grown up by then.

Himadri had to return to Dhanbad after few days. We were in my
room. He asked me---There are lots of memories attached with this
house.
I looked at him as to understand his question---Yes and it is evident.
---No I am asking because whenever you went to the backyard I felt
you were bit lost.
Oh! How come he noticed that? It was the mango tree. Himadri
returned to Dhanbad.
After few days, I was loitering on the roof, looking vaguely out to the
fields, I felt a sot tap on my shoulder. I looked back and found Dushtu
was standing behind me. He gave a rugged look at me. He was then
not a child, he had grown up.
I ruffled his hair---How are you? You are not that small now. I cant
take you in my lap.
He smiled painfully at me---Paree Auntie, Abhimanyu Uncle never
came back. Why Paree auntie?
His name again flooded my ears. I bit my lower lips on hearing his
name. My life was flowing in a good rhythm. All those five months, not
for a single time any one uttered his name to me. His name brought
out the hidden pains in my heart. I looked away from him trying hard
to hide my tears that were about to drop off from my eyes.
He understood probably. He came near me and hugged me tightly
from behind---Paree Auntie, what happened to Abhi Uncle?
His words shattered me. I clasped him tightly and sobbed---He is ok.
He will surely come one day to tell you the rest of the story.
He looked at me and said---I dont believe that Paree Auntie. You
made promise for last three years. He was even not present at your
wedding. I am not blind Paree Auntie.
I clenched my jaws and gave a stern look at him---What do you
mean?
He released his arms around me. He gently walked back towards the
staircase. I looked at his slow steps.
He yelled---I know everything who was that thief and who was that
fairy. You should have
The last few words shattered every core of my slender frame. I
clasped my arms and pressed those on my chest. I sat cowered on the
roof at one corner and cried silently. Why you did this to me? Why?
Whose fault was this, yours, mine or ChotoMa? Who was wrong?
One night I was in my room. I was reading some novel when Maithili
came inside my room and sat beside. I was very much engrossed in
the novel so I was unaware as when she entered my room. She placed
her palms on my head and I got startled on the known loving touch. I
looked at her. She was smiling beautifully at me---I am glad that you
are smiling.
I took a deep breath and gave a smile---What do you want me to

have? Shall I lament on the spilt milk?
---I have not asked you for that, Paree. I am just saying that I am
glad
that
you
have
overcome
the
past
feelings.
Have I actually? Just few days ago my veins were shattered again
with the words of Dushtu.
On third week of May, Kalyani experienced birth pangs. She was
rushed to hospital. I was by her side when she was taken to hospital.
She looked at me and asked me before entering the operation theatre--I
was
not
present
at
your
wedding,
forgive
me.
I yelled at her---Why are you telling me these things now? Come on,
nothing is going to happen to you.
She gave birth to a beautiful girl. I took that little child in my arms and
looked at her closed eyes. I cried in joy and handed the baby angel to
her father. Dipankar kissed on the forehead. I was very happy on that
day. After she was shifted to the room, Kalyani and Dipankar asked
me name the child. I looked at them and said---Why should I name
her?
You
are
her
parents
you
should
name
her.
Kalyani took my palms in her---It is a request from my side Paree.
I took the baby I my arms, the only name that came in my mind was
Pubali,
late
sister
of
Arundhati.
My nose flared up, my chest gurgled as all those memoirs flooded my
brains. All those scenes came up in front of my eyes. Few drops rolled
down my cheeks and I muttered---Pubali.
Many memoirs were attached with that name. She asked for a promise
from him and he complied with her last wish. Kalyani knew very well
what brought tears in my eyes.
She said---The best name one could ever thought of Paree. She
pressed my hand.
Somehow,
stole
my
gaze
and
came
out
of
the
room.
I called Himadri and informed him that Kalyani had given birth to a
sweet baby angel.
He joked at me---Suchi, so what about you?
I
wiped
my
tears
---What is her name?
and
said---I
dont
know
dear.
---I named her after one of my friend, Pubali.

---Sweet name. So when are you coming back? Missing you very
much.
---Really you are missing me? You have got office and bottles with
you Himu, so why miss me?
---Suchi
please.
Really
am
missing
you
very
much.
---Ok, ok. I will return to Kolkata in few days and then I will return to
Dhanbad in few days.
---Do you want me or Niladri to come?
---No need, I will return by Coal-Field in the evening. Do not worry
about me. I am ok.
I called ChotoMa and informed her that Kalyani gave birth to a sweet
baby girl. She asked me when I was returning to Kolkata. I told her
that I would return within few days.
On the last night in my room, I was busy in packing my belongings in
the
suitcase.
SubrotoDa
entered
my
room.
After a long, long time he was standing in front of me. He asked me--How are you Paree?
I smiled at him---What do you think? You little sister in no more a
child. She is doing fine.
He gave a painful yet soothing smile at me---If everything is well
then I have nothing to say.
---What do you all want from me? I am trying to get away from what
happened yet you all remind me repeatedly. Was that my fault?
Maithili came into the room as she heard me screaming and then she
scolded her husband---Why do you have to talk to her like that?
He was dumbfounded by his wifes sudden reaction---What have I
done?
She hissed at him---Just leave her alone. You will not understand as
what goes inside a girls heart and soul. So just go away from here.
I was lost again. Maithili came near me and held me in her arms--Everything will be ok Paree.
I nodded my head Only I knew what was happening to me.
I returned to Dhanbad after few days. On the second week of June, I
missed my periods. I was bit surprised and bit tensed. I knew before
hand that I had some problems with my periods. After Himadri
returned from office, I told him that I wanted to consult gynecologist.
He asked me as what has happened. I explained him that I had missed
my periods.
He gave a queer look at me---Dont tell me that you are expecting.
I looked at his face---May be Himadri.
He smiled at me---Really.
---Remember the night I was to goto my native place.
He held me in his arms and hugged me tightly---Oh! Suchi. I am

happy.
I looked at his face, whether he was feigning his exults. Yes, he
feigned that, I could easily read that from the look in his eyes.
I was very much hurt. I closed my eyes and asked him coolly---You
are not happy right?
He took a deep breath and released me from his embrace---Suchi,
whatever has happened has already happened. So I dont have any
grudge on that.
I chewed my words and said to him---I will be consulting a
gynecologist tomorrow will you accompany me?
He looked at me with a sullen face and said---I would have but I have
some wok in office.
I understood his words very clearly that he wanted to avoid.
I went inside the bathroom and gently rubbed my womb. A new life
was peeking inside me. I felt my life was coming to a full circle. My
eyes glistened and a halo of pure bliss filled my heart along with a
streak of black cloud. My husband will not be with me may be.
Next day, I consulted the doctor while I returned from my school. She
gave some tests. Preliminary test by her confirmed that a new life was
within my womb. I was very happy.
The tests confirmed that. I had blood problems; my RBC count was bit
low. I had to take some medicines.
I told Himadri that tests have confirmed that a new life was to come in
our family. He took that news half-heartedly. I was unable to
apprehend as what made him so dull. Later I understood that it was
his dire carnal hunger that he will not be able to satiate, as I would not
allow him to touch me during those times.
I called ChotoMa and Babu and informed them that they were going to
be grandparents.
ChotoMa sounded very happy. She sobbed---ShonaMa, my golden
child. I want you to come to Kolkata during the last trimester.
---I dont know ChotoMa. I cant tell anything as of now.
---Is Himadri happy?
I lied to her---Yes, ChotoMa he is very happy. He is going to be
father.
---God
bless
you
ShonaMa.
I informed Kalyani and Maithili also about my expectation.

My in-laws were also very happy to hear that news. After a long time,
I
observed
smile
on
my
mother-in-laws
face.
She said to me on the day I broke the news to her---My grandson will
be just like his grandfather.
I was in the kitchen while she said those words. I looked at her face
and asked---What if instead of a grandson, a granddaughter plays on

your lap?
My mother-in-law gave me a queer look and said---It will be a
grandson.
I said to her in a persuading voice---All is in Gods hand.
Days passed, the distance widened between Himadri and me. He was
not able to satiate his carnal hunger. He drowned himself in his
alcohol. A pain flowed, every moment inside me. I cried every night
What was my fault?
My birthday was nearing. Himadri asked me as what I wanted as a
present.
I answered him---All I want that you stay by my side. What more I
can ask.
---I am always by your side Suchi. Why are you saying such words?
I came near him and touched his hand---Tell me the truth. What is
my fault? Why I feel that you are not by my side, Himu?
He took my face and kissed my forehead. His warm wet lips felt very
good on my cream cold skin.
A solitary droplet trickled down my cheek as he kissed---I want you
to come with me to the gynecologist once.
---Ok I promise to accompany you. However, tell me what do you
want in your birthday? This is the first time I will be celebrating your
birthday.
Himadri
presented
me
gold
necklace
on
my
birthday.
My gynecologist asked me to take few precautions. I asked her the

reason. The USG reports suggested that I had some problems in the
uterus. Although it was normal and to be kept under observation as
well. I informed ChotoMa about the problem. She was tensed and
asked
Himadri
to
take
me
back
to
Kolkata.
I said to ChotoMa that I could take care of myself. However, she
insisted that she would like to have me at her place on the last
trimester during my childbirth.
Chapter 5: Destructive Catastrophe (#1)
Chapter 5: Destructive Catastrophe
I applied for my maternity leave in my school. On first week of
November, ChotoMa called Himadri and asked his permission to bring
me to Kolkata. I was in my third trimester and I was due on first week
of February. ChotoMa wanted to take care of me until my baby would
be born.
Himadri came with me to Kolkata. Before leaving, he kissed my cheeks
and
said---Take
care.
I
will
call
you
every
day.
I was bit offended, I thought he would go down on his knees and kiss
my protruding womb and would talk to the unborn baby. However, he
did not do anything of that sort.
I stood at the balcony and watched him as he boarded the taxi and
went away.
ChotoMa understood my sorrow and caressed my cheeks---Paree, it is
nature of all males. They do not understand the pains, that a mother
has to bear. Only when the child is born, they take the credit. Come on
cheer up, your ChotoMa is here to take care of you.
I smiled at ChotoMa and hugged her.
She took me inside her room that night and gave me a beautiful
mauve coloured chiffon saree.
ChotoMa said to me---This is for your birthday. I missed my childs
birthday this year.
She kissed my forehead.
ChotoMa and Babu were very much concerned as I had some minor
complications with my uterus. My blood pressure was little high but my
gynecologist explained it to ChotoMa that it was normal. She
prescribed me to take walk after dinner. Sometimes I experienced a
sharp pain emancipating from the back of my spine, spiraling upwards
surrounding my hips. At first, ChotoMa said that it was normal birth
pains. I could feel my saplings kick on the walls of my womb. The
throbbing sensation was awesome. It felt like a heaven to me. The
feeling of those small kicks drowned those sharp, vein writhing pains.
I was very happy, the way ChotoMa treated me. Every evening, Babu
used to bring chocolates and vanilla ice cream for me. He used to chop
apples
and
other
fruits
like
oranges
for
me.
Every morning, it was a usual routine for Babu to take me for a short
morning walk in the garden.
---ShonaMa, dont stoop. ShonaMa dont bend.
Sometimes I felt so annoyed that I had to scold him playfully--Nothing is going to happen to your grandchild, Babu. I am ok.
Himadri called few times, after he left. All those conversation were
very formal ones. He used to ask whether I had taken my medicines or
not or normal queries about ChotoMa and Babu. What was taking him
away from me? I was unable to understand then. Was it his work
pressure or his excessive booze or his carnal hunger?
I observed that the second floor room was open. One day I entered
that room and found that the bed was not there, neither there was the
table and chair. I could not even find the old small wooden box that
contained his glass marbles. I was not missing him then because it
was he who had not contacted me. I smiled at myself My fate that
you are not here and you didnt even contacted me. I had to surrender
Abhimanyu. I am sorry.
At times, I looked at the huge painting of Death of Socrates that
graced the wall of the drawing room. He was really a beautiful painter.
It was last week of November. The winter was knocking softly on the
door of Kolkata, whispering in its ears that it has arrived. Peoples were
in their sweaters and cardigans. I was sitting in the drawing room and
reading a novel. Babu was not present; he was out for some work.
ChotoMa was at school as usual. Before he left, he kept all my foods
on the dining table and my medicines on the centre table. He
cautioned me not to go downstairs to open the door.
My
attention
broke
as
I
heard
the
doorbell.
I went to the balcony to find out as that could have ranged the bell. I
saw a postman.
He shouted from downstairs---Madam, airmail.
Airmail? I thought. Who could have send an airmail and to whom?
Somehow,
I
went
downstairs
to
collect
the
letter.
I took the white envelop and came to the drawing room.
The moment I saw the address and the handwriting, I felt a thunder to
strike upon me. Every single nerve and veins shook. I could not
believe my eyes. My hands trembled, my chest shook violently. To
support myself, I held the railing of the staircase.
It was Abhimanyus handwriting on the envelop, postage stamp was of
Brazil. His style of writing S was very artistic whenever he wrote my
name. Very slowly, I came to my room. I was shaking like a twig
caught in a breeze.
My heart and soul was racing very fast. What could be written in that
letter? Was he asking my forgiveness? Does that contain letters that
he has married to someone else?
I opened the envelop, it was blank. An electric pulse ran in my brain. I
lit a candle and placed the letter in front of the flame. It was written in
lemon juice, invisible to all.
***********************
My eve.
The fairy of my dreams,
This
is
the
thirty-second
letter
I
am
writing
to
you.
By now, you must be teaching in some school or college.
I
know
by
my
heart
that
you
are
still
the
same.
I miss you very much every day, every hour, every second. One
thousand one hundred days have passed. However, when I write these
letters to you, I know that your silence is my strength that kept me
alive for so long. Your small silk handkerchief still smells your jasmine
fragrance. Your Jasmine fragrance blew the fire in my life and kept me
alive.
I am currently in Brazil. I have been promoted to a senior technician. I
am
returning
to
India
in
last
week
of
December.
I will kneel before Maithili and beg her to forgive me.
I will talk to Grand Aunt and will persuade her. I will ask her for her
doll, for my fairy. I am sure; she will sympathize us more than my
mother. I have prepared myself to crush her ego and her arrogance.
This time, I am not going to ask her for your hand. This time, I will
earn
you
with
every
drop
of
blood
in
my
veins.
I
will
call
Kalyani
once
I
reach
India.
My sweet kisses, on your beautiful forehead, where I first kissed.
Keep a smiling eye on the door. Your thief can knock in anytime.
***********************
A huge turbulent swell suddenly culminated inside my chest. I took a
deep breath and bit my lower lips to control that wave from crashing
on the shore of my heart and mind. Nevertheless, that wave was far
stronger than my strength. I pressed the paper on my chest and threw
my head back.
I closed my eyes and clenched my jaws and cried out NO. this
cannot be possible.
I could not believe what I saw in front of my sniveled eyes. He was
standing there in front of me. I shook my head violently GO AWAY,
GO AWAY.
It was not tear drops, it was blood, which was gushing out through my
eyes and ears and nose. My head was on the verge of explosion. I felt
the veins of my head and neck could rupture anytime.
I clenched my fist and banged my forehead. What have I done? Why I
lost the faith in you?
I kept on reading those invisible words repeatedly. Even if I was Mrs.
Suchismita Karmakar, I kissed and smelled the envelop. I tried hard to
press the piece of paper with my chest so that it could dissolve with
the drops of blood in my veins. I tried to feel his warm touch through
that piece of paper on my bosom.
I crept on the bed and cried out loudly thumping my head on the
pillow. There was no one to hear and understand my pain. I could not
close my eyes. Whenever I closed my eyes, I felt that he was there in
front of smiling.
I got hurled into a deep dark oblivion of pain and vacuous. I crept in
my shell of destitute and sorrow. Every pores of my skin was cursing
ChotoMa and me. I was unable to sleep, I was unable to take my food,
and I was unable to find myself in a normal condition. I was so much
depressed that my health started to deteriorate. I could not come into
terms with the naked truth that those persons, whom we adored most
in this whole world, betrayed us both. For Abhimanyu they were his
parents and for me ChotoMa.
The pains were evident and it showed all over my face. ChotoMa kept
on asking me as what had happened. I could not mutter any word. I
felt like stabbing my heart whenever she talked to me. I kept myself
aloof from the whole world, in my room for two long days. ChotoMa
and Babu were very much agitated with my behavior. They were at
their wits end. They were unable to understand as what could have
happened to me. They kept me asking whether I had a fight with
Himadri or not. With every question, I only shook my head like a
vengeful idol. They even could not fathom my rage and pain from my
bloodied eyes. My ears burnt every moment; I looked at the bed, the
bookshelf, the table. All were his; he was shifted to the second floor so
that I could come in his life.

All I could think was that Abhimanyu never left my side. He was
always there with me. Only our fate, which was all due to ChotoMa,
not even it was Gods wish to separate us.
For whole two days, I could not talk to anyone properly. Himadri called
me few times; I had to feign my pains and talked with him very
normally.
On the third day, I pulled up myself. I told to myself I had to come
out of this somehow and inform my baby prince. I will live the rest of
my
life
as
a
corpse
but
he
must
not
suffer.
After a long time, I went inside the bathroom and sat under the
shower. On the back of mind, it was running that I had an unborn
verdure with me. I caressed my womb over my drenched gown and
sobbed
My
baby,
for
your
sake
only
I
will
live.
The cold water was unable to extinguish the impending anger in my
mind and soul. I felt a soft rumble in my womb. My baby whispered to
me Please do not cry, Ma.
I wiped my face and eyes, came out of the bathroom, and changed my
dress.
I called Kalyani from my mobile. My voice was shaking horribly. I took
a deep breath to control my agitation and covered that with cold steel.
She picked up the phone---Hello! What a surprise. Where are you?
Very calmly and in a very stern voice I spoke---I am at ChotoMas
house. How are you and Pubali?
She sensed from my voice that something grave had happened.
She asked me---We are doing well. Why are you sounding like that?
What happened to you?
That time my voice shook. I could not control myself anymore--Kalyani, you have to do me a favour. A favour of life time.
---What are you talking about? I am unable to understand. Anything
happened with in-laws or Himadri?
I shook my head gently---No.
I took a deep breath to fill my lungs and then spoke---Abhimanyu..
I was unable to see anything in front of my eyes. It was all hazy.
She screamed out---WHAT ABHIMANYU?
---From past thirty months, he wrote me letters. He wrote me thirtyone
letters,
till
now.
Thirty-second
is
in
my
hand.
---WHAT? How come you have not received all these?
---I am sure, ChotoMa and Babu has destroyed all those letters. By
the grace of God or my ill-fate; the thirty-second letter is in my hand.
He is waiting for me, Kalyani. He is coming back to India this
December. He is going to call you. He knows very well that if he call

here, he will not be able to talk to me and he will not get proper
answer. He has written that he will talk to my mom and persuade her.
He has written that he will ask for forgiveness from Maithili.
She was dumbfounded on hearing all those---What do you want me
to do?
I clenched my fist and spoke in shaky voice---I dont want to bring
any turbulence in my marital life. Tell him I am married. Tell him that
his Grand Aunt is no more in this world. Tell him his Paree has died.
Tell him the truth that his parents burnt all those letters. Tell him that
his parents miss him very much. Tell him not to wait for me anymore.
I will not come back here again; I dont have the strength or courage
to stand before him.
We both were silent for a long, long time. After a long painful silence,
she spoke---What about the diary?
I was surprised to hear that that she had still kept that diary with her.
---You have that with you still?
---Yes. How could I destroy that? It was not yours; it was not mine
even. It was Abhimanyus. How could you think that I could destroy
that diary?
---Return that to him. Kalyani.
---And..
---And what, Kalyani? All these long, I consoled my heart that he
ditched me. All this long I consoled my heart that he forgot me. Now, I
feel like jumping in a fire, commit suicide. But my unborn child is
calling me, Kalyani.
I heard her sobbing from the other end. She consoled me---Paree, we
are mere puppet in the hands of fate and God.
I screamed out---NO, HE did not separate us. Dont curse HIM.
I let out a deep breath. I felt an infinite vacuum inside my chest---I
will be ok. Bye.
I knew very well after I spoke those last words I will be ok. Life will
not be same for me.
I crushed the envelop in my fist and pressed it on my bosom. Silent
drops of tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes.
I lay on the bed and gently rubbed my womb. I felt the tiny bump to
move inside my body. I smiled and enjoyed those lovely tingling
sensation that my unborn baby was giving to me. In my mind there
was a strange feeling running then. My babys movement in my womb
and infinite vacuum inside my chest. After sometime, those
movements overcame my vacuum.
I kept quiet for a long, long time.
When Babu returned, he observed me in a very different mood.

ChotoMa returned from her school as usual. I gave a faint painful smile
at her, as I prepared the tea for Babu and ChotoMa. They were sitting
on the dining table.
ChotoMa observed my unusual calmness and asked---What happened
ShonaMa?
Has
Himadri
told
you
something?
Her question, forced a huge stream of blood from my heart to race to
my brain and soul.
I kept the tray on the dining table and placed the crumbled envelop on
the tray. Babu took the crumbled paper and straightened it. He looked
at me and then handed the piece of paper to ChotoMa.
Babus jaws clenched and ChotoMa gave a bewildered look as if she
knows nothing. I could not tolerate the sight of ChotoMa; I spoke in a
calm and deep voice.
---What is this ChotoMa?
She gave a blank look at the envelop and said to me---I dont know
Paree.
I clutched the handle of the chair and said to her in a stone cold voice--You know everything, ChotoMa. This is his thirty-second letter.
She looked at Babus face. Babus looked down on the table, his jaws
clenched, eyes were burning.
I hissed out---Why you did this to me? Why?
ChotoMa got up from her chair kept the envelop in front of me and
came near me. I hissed out again---Dont touch me. I hate you.
I removed her hand, which was about to touch my head. Her eyes
were glistening with pain.
She sobbed out slowly---ShonaMa
I screamed out---Your ShonaMa, your Paree has died. You have killed
her long ago.
---Try to understand.
I screamed---WHAT? My head was spinning and I felt a pain in my
abdomen due to all tension and rage.
---Try to understand my pain also. I have sacrificed my only son.
---You have sacrificed your only son only due to your ego and guile
values of prestige.
Babu hissed at me---Yes it was our prestige. We could not approve
your
relation
that
was
our
first
reaction.
He calmed down. There was a long silence in the room. Only our
sobbing
could
be
heard.
My
ears
were
burning.
I spoke---He wrote me thirty-one letters. Where are all those?
---We destroyed all those.
---How do you know, that those letters were from Abhimanyu?

---All were airmail, from different countries. There is no one who
could write letters to you except Abhi. What surprised us, that all the
letters were blank, there were nothing inside the envelop.
I was pouring fire with my sniveled eyes. I asked Babu---Where all he
was,
in
the
past
two
and
half
years?
---He send you letters from the day he called me once. He send you
every month. A white blank envelop and nothing else. From the
postage stamp, all we could make out that he was first in Israel, then
he went to South Africa and Zambia. Since last six or seven months
the postage stamp was of Brazil.
My tears were uncontrollable; my chest was burning when he was
saying those words to me. I sat on the chair and picked up the
crumbled envelop from the tray.
I screamed out---ChotoMa, along with those letters you have burnt
several lives.
Babu went away. ChotoMa sat beside me and looked at my painful
face. I was wiping my eyes and nose.
I chewed my words and screamed at her---I HATE you all. I do not
want to stay with you anymore. You have ruined my life. I do not even
feel to be here from a second. I want to go back to Dhanbad.
My heart was filled up with immense pain. I got up somehow and
carried myself to my room.
ChotoMa asked me---Where is Abhi
I answered---He is currently in Brazil.
month. I do not know whether he will
he contacts you tell him to come back
has died.
now? Her voice was shaking.

He is coming back to India next
contact you or not. However, if
to you. From today, your Paree
She shrieked---Paree, dont close the door. Dont do anything stupid

Paree.
I slammed the door, leapt on my bed, and clutched the pillow with my
chest with all my strength. All I could feel that Abhi was standing in
front of me with his outstretched arms and beckoning me with a sweet
smile on his face.
I cried out again and again---Go Away, Go Away. Your Paree has
died.
However,
he
stood
there;
he
did
not
move
an
inch.
I
cried
for
a
long
time
and
then
I
called
Maithili.
She heard me sobbing profusely on the phone. For first few seconds I
could not utter a single word. I lost my voice as what should I tell her.
---What happened Paree? Did you have a fight with Himadri?
I pressed my lips and opened the envelop in front of my sniveled eyes--Abhimanyu.. I could not finish my words and cried out my pains.
She screamed from the other end---What has happened to him? Is he
all
right?
Why
are
you
crying
like
that?
I sobbed and sobbed, tried hard to gather words as what to say to her.
---Tell
me
what
has
happened.
Is
he
alright?
I nodded my head, she could not understand as what I wanted to say
as
she
was
on
the
other
end
of
the
phone.
I spoke with much pain in my voice---He wrote me letters. He wrote
me since the day he left India. He is coming back for me Churni. What
shall I do, Churni?
She might have lost her words. She was silent. Only thing I could hear
was my own sobbing sounds echoing in the whole room. I bit the
pillow as I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. The pain
surrounded my hips and reached my navel. I threw the phone and
cried my lungs out.
ChotoMa came running to me and asked me---What happened
Paree?
The pain in my womb was killing me. I clasped the bed-sheet with all
my strength and clenched my teeth. I banged my head on the pillow.
The pain was unbearable. I felt I was losing myself to death. I was
sweating profusely in that November cold. I was breathing very hard. I
felt my lower end of my dressing gown drenched with fluids. Sticky
fluids were coming out from my nether parts and drenched the bed as
well. The pain made me arch like a bow and I clamped the pillow with
all my strength.
I cried out---I am going to die. My womb is going to burst out.
ChotoMa cried out for Babu to call a cab. All the way to the nursinghome, I clutched ChotoMa hand like anything. She pressed my head
on her bosom and tried to console me.
She was very much tensed and was crying---Nothing will happen to
you Paree. I am with you.
I
sobbed
out---I
am
dying
ChotoMa.
dont
want
to
die.
I was rushed to the nursing home of the gynecologist and I was

immediately taken to the labour-room.
The pain was extreme and my body was getting numb. My legs were
kept above my spine level. After preliminary diagnosis, the resident
doctor told that the uterus had ruptured somehow and it had come
down towards my fallopian tube at an alarming distance. Fetalheartbeat-monitor was attached with my womb. I could hear the
heartbeat of my unborn sapling dying down. My doctor arrived and I
was given an injection of local anesthesia on my spine.
There was a stone cold silence in the operation theatre. The heart-beat
monitor stooped sounding after few minutes. I lost my consciousness
was all I remember then.
The time I regained my consciousness, I found myself in a room of
nursing home. I pulled up my head from the pillow to look at myself. I
felt a huge void in my stomach and abdomen. I looked around; Maithili
was sitting by my side. She clasped my hand and helped me to sit up.
Himadri was standing there behind Maithili. I looked around with a
huge query in my eyes. I fathomed everything that happened with me,
from the agonized face of my husband, Himadri. He reached out and

took me in his arms. I went numb when he clasped me. I could not
speak any words. I could not move. I was more like a lifeless corpse. I
looked blankly at my abdomen. There was no pain; no weight only a
dark infinite space engulfed me.
After two days in nursing home, Maithili took me back to my native
place in the village. ChotoMa coaxed Maithili about keeping me with
her. I do not know what the conversation between them was.
However, she came in my rescue as a white angel and took me with
her. Later on, I came to know that the unborn fetus was of a male
child. They asked Himadri and Maithili whether we want to do a biopsy
on that fetus or not. My gynecologist also told me that my uterus was
bit weak. In future if I conceive, then I had to take extra care of
myself and the opening of the uterus has to be stitched.
All the way from nursing home to my village, I sat as a stone effigy.
My brain, my soul, and my heart everything was blank and nothing
could fill that huge void inside me.
I lost my voice. Maithili and Meghna were always by my side. Himadri
was very much lost. I felt that he was trying hard to cope as what
happened. He pulled himself and tried to console me.
---Life is not the end here, Suchi.
I could not answer him and gave a blank look.
---Do you want to return to Dhanbad?
I could not answer him.
He cried out, his voice writhed---Say something, Suchi.
I lost everything I had, how could I speak out. My lips fluttered but no
sound emanated from my quivering lips. My eyes were dry; lips were
dry. I gave a painful void look at Himadri.
I lost in to the deep void space of anguish and dolor. Himadri took me
back to Dhanbad after few days. Maithili tried hard with all her
compassion and love to bring me back to normal life, but my life was
not the same anymore.
In a mere gap of forty-eight hours, I found my life shattered and
finished. I could not close my eyes to take rest. I was unable sleep
anymore. I lost all faith in human nature. I lost faith upon myself.
Chapter 6: Blue Oasis (#1)
Chapter 6: Blue Oasis
Ami chilaam najor-bondi, sundori ek tanvi Tomaar thonter alto choain,
jibon holo dhoinii| Raat r belai swapne eshye, ghumti nile kere,Jabar
agye takiye chile, haath ta ektu nere|Khunjye kothai tomai pabo, seta
nahi jani,Khabor jakhon ello tomar, hariye gechi ami|Chooker jol
baandh mane na, book ta j jai fete Jibon ta k mithye kore, ekla j jai
hente|Holaam na ma, holaam na bou, holaam na shye Pori,
Mithye janom, mithye e shoob, ki kore aaj mori Kanna hasher elomelo
porot chilo chookhe Amar kotha amarii thaak, jane na jeno look
The English translation of the above is as follows
I
was
a
beautiful
girl,
captive
in
house
arrest,
Your
soft
touch
of
lips
made
my
life
meaningful.
You
came
in
my
dreams
and
stole
my
sleep,
Before
you
went
away,
you
only
waved
your
hand.
I
did
not
know,
where
to
search
for
you,
When
your
news
came,
I
was
lost
in
oblivion.
I
could
not
control
my
tears,
my
bosom
ruptured
By making the life full of lies, I walked alone on the path.
I failed as a mother, failed as a wife, even failed as your Pori
My life was full of lies and deceit, how could I die?
My eyes were filled up with tears of sorrow and joy,
Let my pains go with me, no one should know about
I returned to Dhanbad as a lifeless corpse. Himadri never came to
knew about the incident of the letter. He apprehended that the
catastrophe of losing my sapling had made me numb. I snapped all
ties with ChotoMa and Babu. Several times Himadri asked me the
reason and every time I blamed ChotoMa for my premature death of
my sapling. I concealed the dark truth and the sheer pain in one
corner of my heart. The pain was terrible for me but I had no one to
share that pain. He believed me at last and he tried to console me to
his best.
On the last week of December, I sat alone in my room. Somewhere in
some cold winter night I thought, Abhimanyu might have arrived in
India. He would have made a call to Kalyani. What would be his
reaction upon hearing the news? What will he do? He will be
devastated on knowing all the truth. Will he try to meet me and ask
why I did that? Will he do something drastic and loose himself
forever? My chest gurgled with a sheer sharp pain with those thought.
I banged my head on the bathroom mirror and cried in silent.
Often I asked myself What wrong I did, God, that you are testing me
like this? There was no answer from HIM. He kept smiling softly at
me. I could not understand as why HE was smiling.
I spent several sleepless nights, crying alone in my room. Himadri
tried to console me, but his words felt like ice-cold in my ears. I felt
those words did not have those warmth of compassion and love. Often
I rubbed my flat abdomen, my womb, I felt empty, whenever I
walked. I failed myself in every front of my life. I failed to be a good
daughter. I was born and my father passed away. I was the youngest
child among my siblings so everyone cursed me for my fathers
premature death. I failed myself as a lover. I lost faith for my
heartthrob and I failed to wait for Abhimanyu. I failed to be a mother.
My unborn sapling ended his breath before he could behold the light of
the day. I failed to be a wife. I tried to be a good wife but then I lost
everything from my husbands side also.
For several nights, I trembled in my sleep. Whenever I tried to close
my eyes, I felt the soft ripples in my empty abdomen. I pressed hard
on my empty abdomen to stop the ripple. My ears echoed with the
painful squirms Ma, I want to live. I pressed my ears with all my
strength, tried hard to keep those words away. Alas, all those cries
came from my soul; I could not keep away those cries from creeping
in my heart and soul. At times, Himadri felt my silent tears. He used to
hug me close to his chest. Nevertheless, his warmth felt like ice-cold
touch to me.
Behaviour of my mother-in-law began to change after few months of
my return. She was then more aggressive on me as I went timid and
paranoid. I kept more to myself and ignored most of my surroundings.
Most of her words went to my deaf ears, which started to make her
burn in angst on me. She started to blame me for the loss of her first
grandchild.
My school started after the winter vacation. Kalyani called few times
after I returned to Dhanbad, but as she kept her promise that she
made to me, she never uttered any word about Abhi. I was in dark
and I wanted myself to be kept in dark.
It was few days after Holi; I was waiting for my rickshaw to arrive for
my return to house. I saw that Niladri was waiting in front of my
school. I was surprised to see him. He smiled at me. I returned a
courtesy smile at him.
I asked him---For whom you are waiting here?
He came near me and said---For you and who else.
I was taken aback by his answer---But rickshaw?
---No rickshaw from today. I will ferry my beautiful Boudi, everyday
to school. Dad asked me to be your driver and I also thought this will
be good.
His face was beaming with a benevolent smile and empathy. I felt a
soft throb somewhere deep inside me for that childish smile.
He looked at me and said---What are you waiting for, come sit.
I sat on the pillion of his bike.
On reaching home, my father-in-law told me that from that day,
Niladri would schlep me for school every day. As he was in his fathers
business, so he had time for me. Himadri also seconded his thought.
Night after night, I could not sleep on my bed. Whenever I closed my
eyes, either it was Abhimanyus face in front of my eyes or the soft
thump of the unborn sapling on my womb. I was nearing a mental
breakdown. All I could gather up was nothing. My husband, Himadri
was not by my side. He started to booze heavily. Every day he used to
come late from his office. Every day he used to give me excuse that he
was busy with his office works.
One night I was busy in checking the school copies. As usual, he
returned late from his office.
I asked him---What are you so late?
He was inebriated state, he looked at me and said---Why do you

think I should come home at all?
---For me at least, I am your wife.
He gave a disgraced look at me and said---How can I douse my pains,
Suchi. You can cry but can I?
I came near him and touched his hand. His eyes were dripping with
some rage and pain. What was he thinking?
He said to me in a very cold voice---I told you before hand, that I do
not want a child so early. However you paid no heed to my words and
you have brought a disgrace.
My ears burnt in shame and anger as those words poured hot lava in
my ears.
---What are you saying, Himu? Was that my fault only? Was that not
your child also?
---You could have gone for an abortion.
My head spanned on hearing him---Why you did not take
precautions? And now you are blaming me for all those mishaps.
---I dont want to discuss that further, Suchi. Leave me alone.
He snapped those last words and went out of the room. That day I
sensed that the crack has developed between my husband and me.
The last person on the world, on whom I could faith, left me alone in
the room. I cried whole night. At the dawn, I asked myself For whom,
am I crying? My soul did not have the answer of my query. After few
days, I stopped annoying him about his late coming. I drowned myself
in house chores and school works.
Next day morning, Niladri was driving me to school. He contemplated
my painful face.
---What happened, Boudi?
I lost my voice and clutched his shoulder to control myself--Nothing.
---I know very well, what happened last night. I was in my room,
Boudi.
I closed my eyes; my face was red in shame and fear. What? He has
heard
our
fight!
How
is
he
going
to
react?
As we were entering the ISM campus, he suddenly stopped the bike. I
asked
him
as
why
he
stopped
the
bike.
He looked at me over his shoulder and said---Boudi, do you have to
goto school today?
I constricted my brows and looked at him, trying hard to fathom his
intention.
He was still looking at me and there was no smile or unlawful

expression on his face.
I said very coolly---I have to goto school, Niladri.
---I want to talk to you Boudi.
---What do you want to talk about?
---The beautiful smile that I saw on your lips, the jovial girl is lost. I
apprehend that there is much more than what is shown.
I kept my voice very stern and said---Drop me to the school, Niladri.
We can talk at home.
He started the bike and dropped me in the front of my school.
Before returning he said---I will wait for your answer, Boudi.
I could not look in his eyes and slowly I went away.
I
never
talked
about
my
pain
with
Niladri.
Himadris thirty-third birthday passed away without any ripple. As a
timid and faithful wife, I presented him a tie on his birthday. It was my
duty as a wife, which I administered. I waited for him until midnight,
he did not return. Later he called at dead night and informed Niladri
that he would stay at one of his friends house. Already my heart was
numb,
so
that
news
did
not
perturb
me
much.
One person who never left my side was my sweet sister-in-law,
Churni. She used to call me every other day. Her words acted as a
soothing medicine to my shattered soul. However, she was well aware
that nothing could mend my crippled heart. Sometime Kalyani also
called me. I never asked her about Abhimanyu and she never talked
about Abhimanyu. I tried to ask but I do not know what refrained me
from asking. Her baby angel was nearing her first summer in this
beautiful world. I filled my empty soul with her sweet babbles over the
phone.
My summer vacation neared. I asked Himadri, that I wanted to goto
my native place. He did not question me. Niladri accompanied me to
my house.
On the way, he asked me---Boudi, who is the new teacher in your
school?
I could not understand as of whom he was talking, so I asked him--Who?
---Oh Boudi! A new girl has joined your school.
I tried hard to dig in my thoughts as I kept mostly to myself in school.
---That girl, who wears beautiful salwar kurta always. Long hair,
curved
chin
and
small
nose.
She
has
glasses.
I tried to imagine as of whom he was talking and then I asked him
-Why do you want to know?
---Boudi, she is beautiful. What is her name?

I closed my eyes and tried to think hard and then it dawned that a
new English teacher joined our school in junior section.
I smiled at him and asked---Why? Have you fallen for her?
He tried hard to conceal his coy face, which was evident from his
glistening
eyes.
He
nodded
his
head.
Ok, once I return back I will find out. But tell me what is so special
about her. I pushed him.
He held my palms in his and pleaded---Boudi, she has got her canine
over another tooth which makes her smile very beautiful. Her smile is
like,
Mousumi
Chatterjee.
Please
Boudi,
do
something.
---Ok, I will do that, but you have to do me a favour.
He nodded his head---I will do anything for you Boudi.
I looked out of the window of the train; the electric posts were racing
back.
The
train
was
cutting
between
green
fields.
I took a deep breath and asked Niladri---What is the actual nature of
your work?
I was looking at him with a deep piercing soul-shattering gaze. I
wanted to know badly as what was the actual nature of work of my
father-in-law. Niladri was at his back-foot as he heard that question
from me. He fumbled for words. When I saw him, babbling, I fathomed
very well, that my apprehensions were very much true. I did not ask
anything after that. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lips What type
of family I have been married to?
Pubali turned one-year. She was a very sweet cute little angel. She
was then roaming all over the place with small steps. Kalyani and
Maithili were very happy to see me. On the day of Pubalis first
birthday, I clasped the baby in my bosom and cried a lot. I took out a
gold necklace that I was wearing on my neck and graced her tiny neck
with that.
I pressed my lips on her chubby cheeks and sobbed out to her tiny
ears---My little angel, I dont have anything to give to you. I am a
penurious aunt of your, darling.
Kalyani very easily figured out the pains of my heart. She understood
that I was missing everything in my life. I was missing my vacant
womb; I was missing my heart-throb. She did not try to say any word
as she felt that saying would not do anything. She let me cry and shed
my tears. My eyes were all soaked with tears; Kalyani came to console
me at last.
I gave a blank look at her and asked---How can I die?
She slapped me hard on my cheek and clasped me with her bosom.
She almost crushed me. I cried out on her shoulder. She let those
tears flow.
Himadri came to my native place to take me back to Dhanbad. I felt
that I had lost him totally. He did not talk to me as he used to have in
the first year. I also felt not talking to him as my heart was lost in
abyss of dark ocean of pain.
One the last evening, before my summer vacation was to end, I was
trotting at the backyard of my house. Slowly I came near the old
mango tree. I looked up to the tree and smiled painfully on finding
that there were less mangoes than previous years. I told to that tree
You are also crying? I rubbed my empty womb and said to him See,
I have also failed to bear any fruit. You and me are on the same boat,
is not that? I sat beneath the tree and looked at the pond. My legs
were folded and I rested my chin on my knees. My gaze was all-blank.
I was lost into some aimless thoughts. I felt a nudge on my shoulder, I
looked up. Maithili stood there with her prying gaze upon me.
She asked me---Why are you sitting like that?
My voice was cold---What should I do?
---Talk to Himadri. Both of you should try to understand each-other
and cope with situation.
She sat beside me and took my face between her palms---I know you
wont be able to forget him after what has happened. However, time
and
compassion
will
make
everything
alright.
---Is that so? I cannot sleep properly Churni. Whenever I close my
eyes, I feel ripples in my womb. Those soft ripples kill me grain my
grain every moment. I hear my babys voice, calling me, Churni.
She bit her lips and controlled her tears---Paree, most of the goes
through this. It is natural.
My lips quivered---You know why that happened. What about that,
Churni?
She shook head gently and said---I dont have any explanation for
that Paree.
I tried to ask the question Did he call you?
Maithili understood from my quivering lips as what I was going to ask
her. She clenched her jaws---Better forget what happened.
---How can I forget Abhi? He waited there for me with his stretched
arms, to take me in his embrace and you ask me to forget him? WHY
this has to happen with me only?
We observed that Himadri was approaching us, so our conversation
stopped
there
only.
I
wiped
my
eyes
and
stood.
He joked at us---What all is happening between sister-in-laws? Do I
smell something fishy?
Maithili answered---What is happening between you two, Himadri?
He was taken aback by her query. He gave a queer look at both of us.
Maithili continued---Paree, is very soft girl, Himadri. You have to
understand her and console her.
He gave a stern look at me and then said to Maithili---See, I did not

ask for whatever happened. Anyway, it is between a husband and a
wife. We will solve it.
From his last words, I inferred that he would make my life hell so I
pinched Maithili to keep quiet.
Months passed, without any improvement in our relation. I joined
school and Niladri used to come every day to drive me back home.
Every day he used to pause for sometime before starting hi bike.
One day I asked him---For whom are you waiting? I am here.
He scratched his scalp and brought his coy face near me and
whispered---Boudi,
you
have
forgotten
my
request.
I
smiled
at
him
as
really
forgot
what
all
he
asked
for.
---Look over your shoulder, Boudi.

I looked back; Pallavi Sinha was coming out of the school gate. She
was the new English teacher who joined our school in junior section.
I ruffled his coarse hair and flinched by brows---So, she was your
dream?
He held my hand and said---Please, Boudi. Please, please, please.
---Ok, I will talk to her. Now drive, we have to go home, I have to
buy few things from Bank More.
After few days, I told Niladri to come late so that I could talk to Pallavi.
Since she was in junior section and I was in senior section so we had
less conversation among us. Moreover, I kept myself very secluded
from others colleagues.
Pallavi came out and asked me---Madam, you are waiting still? Your
brother-in-law is late today?
I looked at her and said---Yes, probably he is busy somewhere.
She looked bit lost and asked me---So when is he going to come?
I flinched my brows and asked her---Why are you asking that? And
by the way how do you know that he is my brother-in-law?
She looked down to her feet to hide her coy face---No, nothing. I do
not know him personally. We have a common friend.
I smiled at her and said---So you have met him before?
She shook her head---No, no, no Madam.
Moreover, that conversation made us close. After sometime, Niladri
arrived. I introduced him with Pallavi. On seeing, Niladri Pallavi
blushed sweetly. Her coy face shot me to my memoirs of first night.
That eventful night; when we were walking at the courtyard of my
native place. He stopped me at one dark corner of the courtyard,
looked at my face and said to me You are very beautiful.
Day by day, their attraction bloomed into love. Niladri was skeptical
about breaking the news to his parents. I asked Niladri as what was
deterring him no to break the news.
---Boudi, you know my dad. He is not going to accept a non-Bengali

daughter-in-law in house.
I was angry upon him---You knew that from beginning, then why did
you approached.
---I dont know Boudi; I just fell for her, smitten by her sweet smile.
I felt that the same cycle of life was being rotated in front of my eyes.
I could not control myself.
I snapped at him---What are you going to do, Niladri? Destroy ones
life?
---No, Boudi. It will not happen. I am going to talk to my dad.
---Have you talked to her parents yet?
---She has given some hint to her parents. But I think you need to
talk to her parents as well. Not as my sister-in-law but as her friend
and colleague.
I shook my head---I will try. I need some time to talk to her and then
will step accordingly.
Pallavi was very sweet girl and I liked her. Her father was railway
employee. She used to stay in the Rail colony near the station. Few
days later, I asked Pallavi to accompany to Kaveri. I asked Niladri to
come directly to Kaveri.
I asked Pallavi---What is the problem? Have you talked to your
parents or not?
Pallavi looked at my face and smiled painfully---From my side, I dont
have much of resistance. My mother knows about and she has assured
me that she will talk to my father. But, Madam, the problem is your
father-in-law.
I knew from the day I stepped, that my father-in-laws mentality was
bit prehistoric. I sensed that there would be a huge fight in our house,
when this news would break.
Niladri arrived and sat by her side. Both were looking very beautiful
couple, glued with amorist. Stealthily I wiped the corner of my left
eye.
A
solitary
drop
tried
to
trickle
down.
Pallavi saw me wiping my eyes; she asked me---What happened
Madam?
I smiled at her and said---Dont call me Madam at least now. I am not
in school.
Ok, Boudi. She smiled sweetly at me.
Niladri asked me---Boudi, what are we going to do?
I looked at both of them; they were anxiously waiting for my
suggestion.
What
should
I
say
or
suggest
to
them?
I said to them---Wait for some time. Let me talk to both of your

parents.
I said those words; however, I was not confident enough to fight.
They were satisfied with my assurance, but I was not satisfied.
Days passed and their love grew stronger. I felt a stream of fresh air,
flowing through my veins. Their face beamed with new life and the
look in their face, made me think of my old days.
Two years passed by without any notable ripples, I turned thirty on
August. The string of attachment between my husband and me was
negligible. I was also not in terms of repairing that string. Every
moment, I cursed myself for being a failed wife and a failed mother.
My gore heart and soul always remind me of his waiting eyes.
On my thirtieth birthday, as usual I was in my school when my phone
rang. I picked up the phone.
---Hello.
The answer from the other end, made my ears turned red in anger. It
was ChotoMa.
How are you ShonaMa? Her voice was dripping with pain and sorrow.
I bit my lips and clenched my right fist on my bosom---I am ok. Why
have you called?
She sobbed out from the other end---I miss you very much, Paree.
Wont you come back?
I clenched my jaws and said---Never ChotoMa, I wont come back to
you again. Keep the phone, ChotoMa. You already had done much
massacre to my life and soul. I do not want to talk to you.
She
sobbed---I
have
one
small
question,
Paree?
I was anticipating that query from her---I know what you are going to
ask. You will ask whether Abhi has contacted me after returning to
India or not? Right? For your information, Abhi is not like that person.
He will not try to bring catastrophe in my marital life. I was sobbing in
sheer pain while saying those words to her. He will die rather to bring
any harm to me, after knowing that I have married. He will not
question me. He will accept as what life brought to him. I do not know
his whereabouts ChotoMa. I want to be left alone, ChotoMa. Please do
not call me again.
Happy birthday, Paree. She kept the phone.
I went inside the restroom and tried hard to suppress the turbulence
inside my heart. I came to know that Abhimanyu has not contacted his
parents. Then what was he doing? Where was he? He has contacted
Kalyani but not his parents. Why, what was the reason? Thousand of
queries haunted my mind. I was at loss, for those answers. Should I
call Kalyani and know ask about his whereabouts? She would probably
know as he has called her.
Then it dawned in my mind No, I should not bring any turbulence in
my life after three years. I should refrain myself from such thoughts.
He might have started a new life of his own. Bereft of me, bereft of his
parents and close one. Let him be happy with what he has.
On January, the news came that Maithili was expecting. I was very
happy to hear that a new life is coming in this world. SubrotoDa
informed me about that. He was very happy, that he was going to be a
proud
father.
Where is Churni? I want to talk to her.
He handed the phone to her. She sounded very weak---I am well.
---I do not presume that by your voice Churni? Tell me what all has
happened.
---It is normal, Paree.
---Have you consulted the doctor? What are they saying?
---Doctors are saying that there is some problem with my urine and
blood.
I clenched my fist, I was on the verge of breakdown No, this cant
happen to the person whom I adore most in this world.
I
cried
out---I
want
to
meet
you,
I
am
coming.
---Please, Paree, I am ok. Do not take un-necessary tension.
Everything will be ok, Paree.
Just then, Himadri entered the room. He saw me crying on the phone
and asked me as what has happened. I told him that Maithili was
pregnant and I wanted to meet her.
---Ok, when do you want to go?
There was no resistance from his side, no reaction about the news. I
looked at him and wiped my eyes.
---I will go during her child-birth not now.
Very well. He said. I want to talk to you Suchi.
I disconnected the phone and asked to Himadri as what he wanted.
---My
parents
are
looking
for
bride
for
Niladri.
I knew that it was only matter of time as Niladri was also thirty-one--So?
---I came to know from few peers that he is seeing someone and she
happens
to
be
teacher
of
your
school
also.
So you know everything? I chewed those words while throwing them
to him.
He snapped at me---Why havent you informed me before?
I pointed my index finger to him and snapped back---When do you
find time to talk to me? You always return late from office, most of the
night in inebriated state. You take dinner and then slam on the bed.
Have you asked for once that how I am? What have I eaten? How was
my
life?
No.
You
dont
have
time
for
me.
My head was burning in bitter anger while pouring those vengeful
words to him.
---What do you think? Am I a stone idol? You have brought me here
in your house. It was your duty to look after me and take care of me.
He was stone cold. He gave a bewildered look at me. Probably he
never sensed that I could talk to him in that fashion.
I continued---Have I ever asked as why you are coming late? Have I
ever questioned that why were you acting indifferent to me in these
three years of our marriage? Have you ever tried to help me come out
of my loss and pain? No. Why Himadri? Why?
He clenched his jaws and gave a ragged look at me---What should I
tell you? You do not listen to me. I tried to apprehend you at the
beginning, but you were in a total loss. Then, you never acted to be
my wife whom I married. You were always in a shell covered with
some pain and destitute. You never allowed anyone to delve into your
domain. You never divulge me your heart even Suchi. You once told
me that clap had to sound with both hands. SO if you do not tell me as
what had happened to you then how could I know? I am sure there is
something more than a mere miscarriage. I can tell that for sure and I
can even see those in your eyes.
My head went blank when I heard those words from his lips Has he
fathomed that I loved someone else? What will he do with me if he
comes to know about the reality?
I did not have a single speck of faith on him so I lied to him---The
reason of my miscarriage was my ChotoMa and I bore that pain in my
heart. I bore, that the person whom I adored most in the world,
deceived me to dungeon.
His look was evident that he did not believe a single word of mine.
He snapped the burning words at me---Your ChotoMa called me.
I went numb. I was stoned by those words. My heart pumped furiously
What has she told to him? Has she revealed all my dark, beautiful
past that I burnt in the sacrament pyre?
My face was red in anger and unknown fear. He sensed everything on
seeing me go pale.
---She told me, that she was sorry for whatever has happened. She
requested me to bring you back to her.
A huge load came off my chest and I took a deep breath. So ChotoMa
was at least had some conscience left in her that she has not divulged
anything. My eyes glistened while hearing his last words. However, in
my
heart,
it
was
all
gore,
it
was
all
finished.
I chewed my words---Himadri, I dont want to go back to Kolkata.
Please do not ask me.
He sounded very cold on hearing my answer---I do not even want to
come between you two. It would be your call whether you keep your
ties or not.
I wiped my eyes and said to him---Ok, so be it. So you will not
meddle
whatever
I
have
to
do
in
my
life?
He said---I will not, till the time you dont cross my path.
I shook my head in sheer dismay and anger. I came to conclusion that
he has lost his interest. Was he lost in someone else? I did not know
at that time.
Tension brewed in my in-laws house as my mother-in-law was
searching for a suitable daughter-in-law for Niladri. He was adamant of
not marrying anyone. Niladri asked for my help, but I was even
helpless in that house. After few months, my father-in-law finalized a
girl for Niladri. Every time I looked at Himadri, expecting him to talk to
his parents about the situation. However, he acted very indifferent
towards all those conversations.
One evening, after school I as usual we, Pallavi and I were waiting for
Niladri outside school.
She gave a helpless look at me and said in a choking voice to me---I
have
to
say
something
to
you
Suchi
Madam.
I flinched my brows and asked her---What?
She looked very sad and pain was dripping from her eyes---My father
knows your father-in-law very well. He told me that your father-in-law
is a coal contractor and coal contractors are basically.
I knew what would be her words, I fathomed the nature of my fatherin-laws business long ago, but that would come between some ones
love, I did not expect.
I clenched my jaws and looked up in the sky. Tried hard to find words
as what to say. Niladri arrived and observed that Pallavis eyes were
glistening and I was tensed.
When that news was broken to Niladri, he was broken and she cried.
Niladri tried to console her to his level best. Niladri gave a help-less
look at me.
I took a deep breath and said to them---Go away. I will manage my
in-laws. Leave Dhanbad.
Pallavi shrieked, her eyes glistened---I have one sister and one
brother, Boudi. I cant leave them.
Niladri was bewildered upon hearing my answer---But Boudi, what
about you?
I looked at Pallavi and said---I know my in laws very well. What else
do you plan to do? And I have seen much gore days in my life, I will
accept whatever would happen to me.
Niladri held my palms in his hand and tears rolled down his cheeks.
I smiled painfully at him---Boys dont cry, Niladri. You have to be
strong enough to handle every situation.
Pallavi threw her arms around me and hid her face on my shoulder.
I tried to console her---I will face everything, dont cry. Everything
will be ok.
It was August, my thirty-first birthday. I did not expect anyone to
bring any present for me. I returned from my school as usual along
with Niladri. All the way, while returning, Niladri gave a naughty smile
at me. I felt awkward by his glance and asked him as what has
happened.
He whispered to me---I have something special for you today.
---What?
---A
surprise
for
my
sweet,
adorable,
Boudi.
Upon
reaching
our
house,
he
took
me
to
his
room.
Happy birthday, Boudi. Then he handed a beautiful saree to me. I
looked
at
him,
shook
my
head,
and
smiled
at
him.
I found myself surrounded by high walls on three sides and a solitary
window at one end. Through that window, I could behold a blue oasis
in the middle of the scorching desert. He was Niladri.
Maithili was expecting her child on the first week of October. I planned
to be there during her childbirth as she was very weak. Tension also
prevailed at my native place. I sensed that some, storm might break
out. I prepared myself for any storm. Every day, I used to pray to God
You have taken a lot from me, please spare my Maithili.
Chapter 7: Judas Kiss (#1)
Chapter 7: Judas Kiss
The person whom I embraced, was never mine,Not even for a
moment, I fathomed he was not mine. His heart descended on my
eyelids His love beckoned me and tapped my heart. The garland he
graced me was of lie and deceit Yet I could not apprehend that he was
not mine.
Maithili was expecting her childbirth on first week of October. I
planned to be present during her childbirth. I was very much
concerned about the health of my adorable Churni. Her health was
deteriorating day by day.
One evening I was arranging our cupboard, I observed a small box
wrapped in a gift wrapper. At first, it dawned to me that, probably
Himadri brought some present for me for my birthday, but somehow
he forgot to present me. I opened the packet; it contained a very
beautiful gold pendant. I was very happy to see that pendant, a tiny
rose embalmed in a heart shape. It was costly. There was nothing
written on the packet. I kept the gift pack at its place and did not utter
a word about that. Days passed, he did not mentioned about the
pendant. I was surprised and felt heavyhearted by his behaviour. Then
one day, I opened the cupboard to search for that gift box, but to my
sheer surprise, the gift packet was not present in the cupboard. I was
very much puzzled, as I could not find the gift-wrap. I was at my wits
end as where the gift-wrap could go.
One night, as usual Himadri was late. My mother-in-law started

pestering me to call his office, as it was getting cold outside. I called to
his mobile; it was out-of-reach. I then made a call to his office. The
caretaker picked up the phone after few minutes of ringing. I asked
him about the whereabouts of Himadri. To my utter surprise, the
answer shook my nerves.
Madam, Karmakar Sir left office at one oclock. He answered.
---Do
you
know
where
he
has
gone?
---No Madam. He leaves office early, almost every day. He said that,
you are not pulling well, Madam. He said that you are ill. How are you
Madam now?
I closed my eyes and held my breath upon hearing the bitter excuse. I
felt a hot brewing lava surge out from my chest and ran through my
throat to my face. Where he could be? Is there any other woman in
his life for whom he bought that pendant? Have I lost the right to ask
him?
all
these
thought
raced
in
my
brain.
Himadri returned late, my mother-in-law asked him about his
whereabouts. He did not answer anything to her. I sat alone with his
dinner on the dining table. He sat quietly on the dining table and
started to eat. I was unable to look at his face. Angst and pain was
running through my veins. Every second every heartbeat was uttering
to me Suchi, you have been deceived, bitterly. I thought to ask him
about the gold pendant, and then I thought I must have enough proof
to nail him.
On last week of September, I packed my bags to goto my native place.
Maithili was pulling fine.
I called to Maithili the day before I was to reach my village.
---I am coming to take care of you.
She answered in a weak voice---Ok, come quick. I am waiting for
you. I want to see you.
I tried hard to control my tears on hearing those words from her lips. I
clenched my fist and pressed on my lips God, save her.
---Nothing will happen to you Churni, I am coming.
Niladri accompanied me as usual to my village. We went by Coal-field
as usual.
Niladri asked me---Boudi, what has happened to Maithili Di? He knew
about her ailments.
---It is some gynecological problems which happens in most of the
woman.
---She will be alright, Boudi?
I did not know the correct answer but I gathered myself---Yes,
definitely, she will be alright.
---I
have
something
to
ask
you,
Boudi.
---What?
---For past few days, you are very pale and this time it is not the pain
of loss but it is something else.
I felt a spin inside my head as those words hit my ears like huge
stone. I thought for few minutes Should I ask for his help? He is the
only person who can help me.
---I need to ask you something. I need a favour Niladri.
He
gave
a
sweet
smile---Anything
for
you
Boudi.
I had to gather myself up before placing my acquisition in front of him
that also about his brother.
He gave a queer look at my face on seeing me, lost in my thoughts.
---What
happened,
Boudi?
What
are
you
thinking?
I mumbled for words and then gathered up myself---You are aware
that
your
brother
returns
late
from
office.
He nodded his head Yes, so? He might be occupied with his office
works.
I took a deep breath---I called his office, few days back. I came to
know, that he left his office long before. He returned late that day. I
also came to know he leaves early from his office, very often on the
pretext of my illness.
He gave a queer look at me---What do you mean to say, Boudi? Are
you suspecting my brother? His gaze was saying that he was unable
to believe what I was saying to him.
I gently nodded my head---Niladri, I am skeptical about his current
behaviour.
---But why?
My gaze was fixed on my lap. My pulse rate was running high---I
found a gold pendant in the cupboard, which was gone after few days.
It was not for me. I gave a pleading look at him I want your help, to
find the person to whom the gold pendant was presented.
He almost snapped at me---Boudi, you are making a dire acquisition
on my brother. I must have known if he would have done such acts.
He would have told me in his inebriated state. But he has not divulged
anything to me.
I was in a sheer pain---My sixth sense saying this to me, Niladri. I
hope; this does not come true.
He gave a burning look at me---I will keep a tab on him, Boudi. Do
not worry.
He brought his face near me and chewed his last words---If this is
true, then I will forget that he is my brother. And if this is proved
wrong then..
I was very much agitated by his words---Niladri, this is only an
assumption.
Please
do
not
do
anything
stupid.
He shook his head and rest of our journey was a very silent one.
Before returning back, Niladri touched my hand and said---Boudi, I

will keep an eye. Take care Boudi. His eyes were glistening in anger
and pain.
Meghna Boudi and all others were happy to see me. Maithili was very
weak and she was virtually bedridden. On seeing me, she smiled at
me. It was her last week before her expected date of childbirth.
I gently rubbed her forehead. I held her head on across my bosom
-Nothing
will
happen
to
you,
till
I
am
here.
She sobbed in my warm embrace---Promise me one thing Paree?
I knew what she would ask from me yet I nodded my head.
Her weak frame trembled; voice choked my ears---Look after my
child if something happens to me.
Her words made my eyes hazy; I pressed my lips on her head. I cried
out softly---Churni, nothing is going to happen to you.
---I want to say something to you before I goto hospital.
I pressed my fingers on her quivering lips---I will hear those words
once you come back with your child. My heart was bleeding with pain
and tears flooded my cheeks and soaked her forehead.
I wiped my tears and asked Subroto Da---What the gynecologists are
saying?
---The last USG report suggests that the umbilical cord is wrapped
around the neck of the baby and more grave is that the placenta is
inverted.
The
operation
would
be
somewhat
critical.
I looked at Maithili; she gave a painful smile at me. I took a deep
breath and wiped my eyes.
She was admitted to hospital on the first week of October. She was
experiencing her birth pangs. To my sheer surprise, I found Arunima
to be also present. I gave a courtesy smiled at her. We met for the
first time in last eight years. She felt bit awkward and tried to avoid
me.
Maithili was taken to the operation theater; we sat outside, dipped in
tension. I continuously wiped my eyes, clenched my fist to my bosom,
and prayed to God all the time. A series of huge turbulent waves were
sweeping across my chest and flooding my bosom.
Those five hours, waiting outside the operation theatre seemed to be
endless. Subroto Da was loitering all along the corridor, anxiously
waiting
for
news.
He
was
very
nervous,
so
was
I.
At last, the nurse came out and called the name of Subroto Da, I ran
to her. My eyes flooded as I saw a little baby wrapped in a white
flannel in her arms. I took that child in my arms and gently placed my
lips on its forehead. Few drops of tears soaked her tiny forehead. It
was a baby girl. After sometime, the doctor came out and said that the
caesarian was a successful one. I asked the doctor as when could we
see Maithili. They said that she was still unconscious. Lots of blood had
been
drained,
but
she
was
out
of
danger.
In the evening, Maithili regained her consciousness; I sat by her side
all the time. Baby was in the nursery under blue light. She was
sleeping as if a beautiful pearl flooded in the blue moon light.
I smiled at Maithili and kissed her forehead. My eyes were glistening
on seeing a faint smile on her lips---My sweet Churni. You are ok.
Subroto Da came and sat beside her on the bed. He gently rubbed his
palm over her head---Get well soon, your daughter is waiting.
After few days, Maithili returned along with her baby. I was in a pure
ecstasy. The life of my sweet sister-in-law was completed in a fullcircle. She was a good wife, good daughter and then a good mother.
The sight of Maithilis beautiful face made me writhe in pain. I have
failed myself in all the fronts of my life. At times, when I was alone in
my room, I used to feel the pain of void and emptiness in my womb.
The soft ripples have not died even after three years. The huge void of
frustration and inadequacy again engulfed me. I tried to pull myself
out from my miseries.
One evening I was singing lullaby with the baby in my arms, Maithili
asked me---Have you searched for any names for your niece?
I looked at her and said---Why should I name her?
Subroto
Da
and
Maithili
named
their
baby
Nilanjana.
One evening, I sat beside her with baby on my lap. I was looking at
the face of the baby, my chest was having soft ripples of love and pain
both at same time.
She perceived my hidden pain from my eyes---Life is not yet finished,
Paree. She nudged my shoulders gently---Every cloud has got a
silver lining.
On hearing those words from her lips, I gently shook my head--Churni that is a failed dream that you are trying to contemplate. I
have lost everything. The only thought that was gnawing my soul was
I have lost Himadri, my husband.
She insisted me to speak up---What do you mean by that?
I was skeptical at the beginning Should I talk to her about the gold
pendant? Why not she is the only person in this world to whom I can
open myself.
The baby was looking at my face with her tiny squint eyes. She
yawned at me, her toothless mouth, sweet chubby pinkish cheeks was
emancipating a pure halo of love. I looked at her face and with
quivering lips, I said to Churni---My husband is gone, he has not
touched me since my miscarriage. I have failed myself as a wife,
Churni.
She screamed---WHAT?
Yes I gently nodded my head.
She took my face between her palms and looked deeply at me---What
do you mean, Paree?
My soul shattered as I told her the incident of the gold pendant.
---But, you are yet to hear from Niladri, right? How do you come into
conclusion without any strong evidence?
I know by my heart, Churni. I have seen that in his eyes. His cold
touches, his voice, his face. Everything tells me that he has no
interest. I took a deep breath I will take my final step once I get the
news. With that I let emptied my whole exhale and bend my head on
my knees.
I could not feel anything else, except a burning rage in my head and
soul.
I called Niladri that night asking him whether he has found anything or
not. I pressed the phone to my ears, prepared myself for the
forthcoming news of losing the battle.
His voice was too cold---I am coming to bring you back, Boudi.
---Tell me what you have got, please.
---Nothing as of now Boudi.
I screamed at him---You are telling lie.
---Why should I lie to you, Boudi? You are the only one person who
understands
me.
Tell
me
why
should
I
lie
to
you?
---Because, he is your brother.
He was silent for few moments and then said---But I love you Boudi. I
cant deceive you at any cost, even if he is my brother. His voice
choked You got me acquainted with my life. How can I deceive you,
Boudi?
Tears rolled down my cheeks on hearing his words. I felt an
uncontrollable thrust on my bosom and I clenched my fist and banged
my forehead.
November started. Chill winds welcomed the winter in the village.
Niladri came after few weeks to take me back to Dhanbad. He gifted
Nilanjana a gold chain and blessed her. The day I had to return to
Dhanbad, I took Nilanjana in my lap and kissed her forehead. She
yawned at me and looked at my face with her tiny little eyes. Few
drops
of
tears
fell
on
her
little
chubby
cheeks.
I whispered to her sleepy ears---My beautiful niece, I have nothing as
of now to give you. But I promise you, I will take care of you as my
precious heart.
Maithili said to me---You dont have to give anything to her.
She embraced me close to her and whispered to my ears---I pray to
god that your apprehension is all wrong and you get back your
husband.
Niladri was very silent all the way to Dhanbad. We talked very less,
only courtesy queries and answers were the points of our
conversation. From the sullen look on his face, my breaths stormed
out. Niladri said that there was no one in the house except him and
Himadri. His parents had gone to some relatives house.
The
time
we
reached
Dhanbad,
it
was
noon.
In the evening, I was in my room, keeping my belongings in the
cupboard. Niladri came in my room. His face was dripping sheer pain
and angst.
I looked at his face and my nose-flared up on observing his sullen
face---What happened, Niladri?
He came close to me and stooped his head. He was breathing hard--Come with me.
My chest burnt in anger, I breathed fire on hearing his words--Where?
He placed his hand on my shoulder and nudged me gently---Come
with me, Boudi.
My heart was thumping inside my chest as if it would burst out any
moment. I was breathing heavily---Just tell me what you have found?
Is my foreboding is true?
---See it yourself.
I screamed at him---No, I dont want to behold anything. Just tell me
that it is false.
He took me in his arms and pressed my head on his chest---I tried
very hard to prove you wrong Boudi, but her name is Shalini.
I went numb in his arms. All my veins and nerves went dry upon
hearing him. I held my breath for some time and then freed myself
from his arms slowly. I looked at his face; he was looking at the floor.
He was breathing very slowly. I closed my eyes and slowly sat on the
chair
and
rested
my
head
on
the
table.
The only thought that twirled in my head and burnt my soul was I lost
my love and I was unable to come out of that and the repercussion
was in front of me.
He came near me and kneeled by my chair---Boudi, what do you
want me to do?
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and said to him---I will
talk to him tonight. Who is she?
He took a deep breath---She is Dadas old colleges friend. She is
married and has a four-year-old son. She lives in Bokaro. He husband
works in Steel Plant.
All the while, he was saying those, I had my eyes tightly closed and
clenched my jaws. I was unable to keep my head as it was spinning
like a whirlpool in high seas. I gave a blank look at him What should I
say to him? Whose fault was that anyways? Mine? Himadris? Whose
fault? I was at my wits end tried hard to find the truthful answer.
After sometime it dawned that, Suchi, you have lost that right. In last
three years, have you ever tried to come near him? No. Then I
thought, If he wanted to leave me, then what is the harm? He could
have told me and we could have parted our ways.
My lips quivered in pain---Leave me alone Niladri. I want some time
alone with me.
He let out a deep exhale from his chest and went away.
Chapter 8: Conceive of Angel (#1)
Chapter 8: Conceive of Angel
During the dinner, I could not swallow my food, Niladri was all-silent.
The silence was killing me.
It was late night as usual. I was in my nightdress. The doorbell rang.
It was Himadri. I gave a blank look at his face and came in my room.
Niladri
was
sitting
in
the
drawing
room,
watching
TV.
He entered after me and asked---How was your journey?
I nodded my head Ok.
His voice was very cold, probably the hatred in my heart made his
voice sounded like ice.
He came near me; I sensed his breaths on my nape. I closed my eyes
as I felt his hand on my shoulder---I missed you.
I bit my lips as those words poured down molten lava on my face.
Series of waves culminated on the shore of my chest. To support
myself I held the chair. My shoulder was burning where he kept his
palm.
I
could
not
bear
his
touch
on
my
shoulder.
Gently I removed his hand from my shoulder and said to him---Why
are you so late?
He lied; he lied in cold blood---It was office, Suchi.
I gave a piercing look at his face. He looked away, avoiding the direct
eye contact. Has he understood that he was caught? Nevertheless, his
voice was very normal and cold as usual. How should I start
confronting him? How to start?
I fixated my gaze on his face to fathom his expressions---I expected
you, Himadri, to bring me back. However, you were not there. Why?
He did not look at my face and answered---It was my work, Suchi.
You know very well as how busy, I am. He gave a queer look at my
face I have drowned myself in my work, Suchi, same as you.
Lie and deceit, Himadri. Just spew out venom, Himadri that you do
not want me anymore. I will be more than happy. It was my fault,
from the very beginning that I did not wait for the person I loved
most. I tried hard to gather myself but I failed. You could have told
me, why you kept me in dark, Himadri. Why? No I did not spoke
those to him; instead, I stood as a granite effigy, covered with his
chicane words.
My face was burning while whose words were beating my eardrums.
My gaze was spewing molten blood instead of tears. I spoke in an icecold voice---Who is Shalini, Himadri?
All of a sudden, a huge stream of blood gushed on his
bewildered look at me. He was not at all prepared for
knew that very well. I was also not prepared for that
him all of a sudden. What made me ask that, I
He screamed at me---Who?
face. He gave a
that question, I
question to ask
did not know?
A cold voice came again out of my lips---Shalini, your college friend.

---Who told you?
---It is not the question, Himadri, who informed me. Who is she?
He clutched his fist tightly, signed me that he would break my face. He

shook his head in dismay and anger. He was caught in the web of
queries.
---I found a small gift box in the cupboard. It contained a gold
pendant. It is gone.
The venom spewed at last from the lips of my husband---You crossed
your limit, Suchi. I warned you that we shall not cross our paths.
I could not keep my thoughts inside me anymore. I howled at him--You could have told me once, Himadri. I would have gone from your
life. Why you had to keep me in dark?
He chewed his words---Why, are you not satisfied? Do you think I am
blind? I do not have eyes. I do have a heart and soul. What have you
given me, Suchi?
He clutched me by my shoulders and shook me violently---Tell me,
what you have given to me?
My whole body shook like a life-less trunk of a tree. My eyes were
closed
and
tears
were
rolling
down
my
cheeks.
He screamed at me---I know who told you all these, that son-of-abitch, Nilu.
His next sentence shattered my heart and soul, a grave implication
that
I
had
not
dreamt
off
in
my
nightmares
also.
---You do have your desires satiated. Do not think I am a fool. I know
very well that what you and Nilu do.
I pressed my ears with both my hands. Each single blood vessels in
my body, was bursting off. There was splash of electric pulses in front
of my eyes. All I could see, a black screen and specks of lights in my
head.
Chapter 8: Conceive of Angel (#2)

I shrieked in sheer angst and pain---NO, MIND WHAT YOUR ARE
SAYING.
He went to the door and locked it from inside and then with long steps
stride towards me. I was shaking in fear and rage. Niladri was outside
probably, I did not know, as there was no response from his side.
Himadri stood in front of me, breathing fire on my face---Dont think I
am blind. I know everything, what you two were doing behind my
back. I have information that you two dine at Kaveri, shop in Bank
More, movies in Ray or Pooja talkies and many more .
I kept my eyes tightly shut, the veins on the side of my head was
about to rupture.
I screamed at him with all my strength---What are you saying? He is
like my brother.
He started abusing me in all his foul language. Harsh and cruel.
I clenched my teeth and shouted at him---I dont want to stay with
you
under
one
roof
even
for
a
single
moment.
---Sure, why would you? You have what you wanted. (Foul)
All of a sudden, he slapped me hard on my face. I fell on the bed on
my stomach. It was not the pain of slap that was incinerating my heart
and soul, it was his foul words and his beastly accuse that made me
insane. I clutched the bed-sheet with both hands and hid my face on
the pillow.
Himadri pounced over my back and pinned me down on the bed. With
his arms he pressed my nape on the pillow. I felt his other hand,
fumbling my dress. Within seconds he tore apart the fabric from my
body. Huge strike of chill ran down my spine, I tried to scream in but
my mouth was covered with pillow.
He hissed in my ears---You can warm up others quilt then why not
mine, you I will not kill you, I make you demoralize in your heart
and kill your soul.
I thumped my head on the pillow and tried hard to push him off my
back, but he was stronger than I in every sense was.
I was whimpering in pain only low cries came out of my dried lips. My
face was red, all my nape and chest was heaving, my heart thumped
inside my chest like a huge piston of old steam engine.
His cruelty was at its pinnacle. He invaded my sanctum-sanatorium
with no mercy. It was like a saw cutting through sandpaper. I kept on
crying and crying. He mauled me like hungry hyena. It was eighteenth
day after my LMP. I was fertile like Gangetic plain. The seed was sown.
I conceived my angel. It came with sheer brutality and malice.
He left the room, after mauling my soul and body. I lay there on the
bed, disheveled and helpless, cried in pain and anger. Nothing except
hatred engulfed my soul. Even in my worst nightmare, I never thought
that my precious angel would come in this world in that manner.
hapter 9: White Cessation (#1)
Chapter 9: White Cessation
After that night, I was demolished down to the earth. I could not look
in my face in mirror. Each time I tried to face myself, I found a
battered soul looking at me with jittery look. Himadri threatened me
with dire consequence if I would utter a single word about that
malicious incident with anyone. I lost my voice.
After that day, Himadri used to sleep on the bed, I used to curl up on
the floor. For the exterior world, we were still married as a husband
and wife. I felt that it was better to be a caged princess in an ivory
cage. My heart cried for my ChotoMa. I wanted to meet her for one
last time and ask her why she did this to me; I loved her most after
my own mother. However every time I tried to call her, Abhimanyus
white envelop came in front of my eyes. I lamented on my fate. I
restrained myself from dialing her number.
One week, after that gruesome incident, Himadri asked me to resign
from school. I did not have strength to fight with him. I submitted my
resignation to the school and was caged in that brick walls forever.
Niladri
was
very
much
surprised
on
my
decision.
One afternoon, I was in my room, sitting silently with a blank mind
and soul. Niladri knocked and entered my room. I gave a blank look on
his face. He could not understand anything from my pale white face,
bereft of any blood and soul.
He sat by my side on the bed---Why have you resigned from school?
That was your dream, Boudi. What on the earth has happened to you
Boudi?
I mumbled for words as what should I tell him. I looked in his eyes,
which was full of compassion.
I felt ripples inside my chest and sobbed out---I am finished, Niladri.
He gently touched my shoulders, his compassionate touch melted my
soul, tears started to flow endlessly from my painful eyes.
---What happened, Boudi?
My lips quivered but I could not utter a single word about what
Himadri did with me.
---You have talked to him, right. And after that you two had fight.
I nodded my head Yes.
---And what was his say about that?
I shook my head gently Nothing.
He grinded his jaws together and boxed the bed to vent his anger---I
had some faith on my brother, but all are smashed. My dad is the
main reason, he always preferred Dada to me. He was brilliant I was
not. He was sent to ISM for engineering. I finished my graduation and
asked Dad that I wanted to start my business, but he asked me to
help him in his business. He climbed up the ladder of success and I
drowned in the mud of goons and malignant web of this coal
business.
I saw the vengeance against his brother in his eyes.
His eyes were glistening my gaze was also hazy. He continued--When you stepped in for the first time, I thought that everything will
be alright.
He shook his head in dismay---Neither my dad nor my brother
understood. Even my mom did not understand you. Only because she
has no daughter so she acted as a strict mom-in-law. Boudi, enough is
enough.
---NO, Niladri. You are not going to do anything like that.
---WHY?
I gave a blank pale look to him and let out a deep exhale---They are
your own blood, family, Niladri. I am an outsider. I just want my life
back.
He shook his head---But, Boudi you the most precious for me.
I shook my head to express

---What do you want to do?
my
helplessness
and
fear.
I was out of my thoughts as what should I do? All those queries were
painted on my pale face. Niladri read my face, my helplessness and he
kept mum.
The winter on that year was too harsh on my mind and soul. Himadri
acted that as if nothing happened between us. I was at my wits end as
how can a beast behave like that even after diminishing me to such
extent.
The ambience of the family gradually changed, especially the
behaviour between two brothers. There was cold tension that prevailed
between them. My in-laws were not aware of all those incidents so
they never figured-out the reason of the coldness between two
brothers.
By then end of December, the chill winds captivated my mind and
soul. At times, I felt nauseated. At first, I thought that it was due to
my ill health and psychological trauma. However, the week I missed
my MP, it was evident that the seed was planted. No one touched me
before that dark night; no one touched me after that even. I was
carrying my angel in my womb. My precious angel was taking shape
deep inside me. Day by day, with every passing moment, my hopes
rekindled of filling my heart of being a mother.
I called my beloved Churni to break the news. She was very much
surprised and she was unable to understand as how that happened.
She knew about our relation, so she coaxed me to tell her the truth.
With great pain and angst, I narrated the dark night to her. Her voice
was burning, she asked me to return to her. She said that she would
talk to Subroto Da and file for a case. I was living in some unknown
fear that Himadri could harm my baby, so I requested Churni to be
patient.
I was pale and all pains were dripping from my face. My mother-in-law
noticed that. She asked me about my health. I broke the news with
her that I was expecting. She was very happy, my father-in-law was
also happy.
That evening, when my mother-in-law informed about my pregnancy
to Himadri, he gave a bewildered look at me as if asking, Is that my
son? I could not stand his filthy look. I slowly grinded my jaws and
gave a vengeful look at him. That night before retiring, he asked me
as to whom all I had informed about that incident. I said him that I did
not mentioned about that night to anyone, but I was sure that he was
not convinced. He made up by his own that, I had told Niladri and
Maithili about that night. I did not try to make myself clear at that
point of time, as it felt meaningless to me.
Chapter 9: White Cessation (#2)
After few weeks, Himadri came home as a total different person. He
was very tired, he came home earlier than usual. I was in the kitchen;
he came directly into the kitchen. I was taken aback by his actions. He
never stepped in the kitchen in past years. I looked at him over my
shoulder; he gave a pleaded look at me. I was not in a position to
forgive him or forget about that incident. I was very angry upon him
the way he looked at me. There was only pain and revenge in my
heart.
His voice trembled---I need to talk to you, Suchi.
His voice burnt in my ears. With a deep and calm voice, I asked him--Is there anything left between us to talk about?
He came near me and bends his head as if asking my forgiveness. He
nodded his head gently Yes
---What do you have in your mind? You betrayed me, you mauled me
killed my soul. I am living as a corpse. What more do you want from
me?
He spoke in a pleading voice---I want you back, Suchi. I want my old,
Suchi
and
I
will
do
anything
for
that.
Why? Is that because your girlfriend has deceived you again, that you
came back to me? I never came to know the truth, as I never asked
him that question.
I looked at him with pain and tearful eyes---We have nothing in
common. We must walk separate paths, it will be better for both of
us.
He shook his head---NO, Please, one time.
I shook my head in dismay---Please, I have nothing to say anything
to you. I want to be alone.
He clenched his fist and brought his face near mine---I wont let you
go till my child is born.
His last words seemed that he was acting. He tried to convince me but
when he felt that I was adamant in my words, he threatened me.
Both my parent-in-laws told me that they wanted to take care of mine
during childbirth. They were also very disturbed after my last
miscarriage so they took extra care of mine.
Himadri was back to his old nature as usual; my mother-in-law also

felt the numb feeling that was running between us. She asked me one
day as what had happened. I made some lame excuse to avert her
queries.
In the mean time, Niladri said to me that at Pallavis parents was
searching for a groom for Pallavis marriage. My bitter past came in
front of me and I stood helpless, unable to help those two lovebirds. I
gathered all my strength one day and spoke to my mother-in-law.
She was shocked rather being a happy.
---But, your father-in-law wont allow any non-Bengali girl to be his
daughter-in-law. You know that Suchi. You even know that, what
happened when you wanted to do the job. We had bitter argument due
to that. I dont think this time your father-in-law will allow.
I pleaded to her---Just talk to him once. Please, not for my sake, but
for your son.
She assured me that she would speak to her husband and the way she
gave a helpless look at me, I apprehended that those pleas would go
in vain.
I told Niladri that I
---What did mom said?
spoke
to
his
mother
about
him.
---Your mom said that she would talk to your father, but I can foresee
that there will be bitter argument in our family. My life would be hell,
Niladri. I am too tired Niladri to handle all these.
---Dont think of that, Boudi. There is no confusion between us, so
why do we need to take tension? Now you see what I can do.
His abrupt gesture took me by surprise---Dont try to do anything
stupid, Niladri.
---Himadri, is not going to help you or me. Right. So I have to take
actions.
I pleaded to him---Please, Niladri, please do not do anything stupid
which will affect me negatively.
---Ok, Boudi, but if I cant marry Pallavi, then I will bring everything
down.
I felt disgusted upon myself, as someone was choking my throat and I
was gasping for breath. I tried hard to fend off those invisible hands
from my throat by I was so weak that I was unable to free myself from
those strong clutch.
Maithili used to call every other day asking me to come back to my
native place. On the other hand I also felt that, she had to take care of
her cute doll, Nilanjana. I tried to persuade her that she was
harbouring unnecessary tensions.
The winter passed by. With each passing day, I sensed the forgotten
pulse inside me. That sweet ripples, although I knew that those ripples
were my imagination but I felt those ripples inside my womb. It kept
me alive. In all those turmoil and tension, I forgot about my invisible
letter. I forgot that he was there standing in front of me with a sleek
smile on his lips.
Chapter 9: White Cessation (#3)
That eventful day was in second week of February. I was in the
bathroom, when I felt nauseated. My arms showed goose bumps and I
felt a chill ran down my spine. I held the basin to support myself and
all of a sudden, I heard a knock on the door. It was Pallavi; her voice
was tense. She gave me a remorseful look. Tears were running down
her cheeks, I was inundated in utter grief on seeing that look on her
face.
I
was
shocked
to
behold
that
look---What
happened?
I heard wails of my mother-in-law. I heard hushed voice coming from
the drawing room.
I
screamed
at
her---Tell
me
what
happened.
She was quiet, held my hand, and asked me to come to the drawing
room. As I entered the drawing room, all the eyes were fixated in me.
I gave a bewildered look to my mom-in-law. She nodded her head and
broke in tears on clasping me.
An unknown qualm engulfed me. A voice inside my brain spoke to me
that some mishap happened with my husband. I tried to ignore that
trembling voice and gave a frightful look at Pallavi. Everyone was in
tears saying nothing to me. My heart started to pound hard inside my
chest. I could not keep my cool and screamed at Pallavi.
She asked me to sit and then she spoke---Himadri Dada is no more.
I looked deeply in her tearful eyes. She gently nodded her head
Whatever I she was saying was true.
My heart did not trembled much after hearing that news. I closed my
eyes, a few drops tickled down my eyes. There was less of pain and
remorse in heart that time. It was filled more with helpless as to whom
to fight.
I asked her in a very calm voice---How that happened?
In a shaky voice she told me---He met an accident while he was
returning from his office. The car was hit my truck and it is all
mangled.
I grinded my jaws and vented fire in my heart, but I gave a painful
look instead, hiding my emotions of angst deep inside me. I veiled my
anger with tears and penance look smeared on my face.
His battered body was brought at night, wrapped in white cloth. All my
relatives were informed. My mother-in-law and other women slowly
took out the iron-bangle from my wrist. I did not object or cried like
insane. Few people fathomed that I has in choked in pain to shed my
tears properly.
He was taken out of the house for the last time. I let out a final wail
and a deep breath from my chest.
I was left in lurch about my future. I saw darkness creeping in front of
me. I felt that there was no dawn going to come in my life. I felt that,
I was going down in the quicksand of life. I tried hard to held any twig
for life, gasped hard for breathe but I was drowning in an infinite black
hole.
I sat silently in my room, surrounded with lamenting relatives. They
were trying to console me for my loss; however, those words were not
reaching my brain. I was only thinking about my future and my unborn
angel that time. I had no time to lament for that person brought hell
to my life. Niladri returned in the morning after cremating his only
brother and he came directly in my room. His face was pale and was
crippled with attrition. He looked at me, wanted to say something to
me but he kept quiet.
That look made me to slap him hard and I screamed at him---What
you did?
He held me in his arms and said---Believe me, it was not me. It was
accident, Boudi.
---You want me to believe? A lonely road, a truck collides with a car.

He held me tightly in his arms and tried to persuade me---Believe
me, it was a freaking accident.
I shook my head---Just go away from my sight, Niladri. All those
persons whom I touch, goes away. I am an ill-fated person, Niladri.
See, what happened to your brother. The only path that is left for me
is to take my own life.
---No Boudi, you will not do anything of that stupid. You have a life
attached with you Boudi. He has done nothing.
I asked him to leave me alone; I wanted to make out about my bleak
future, which was filled up only with boulders and sharp stones. My
heart bleeds, not for that loss but for myself. I tried hard to waive-off
my pains and grief. My last miscarriage was due also filled up with my
ill fate. At that time, I received the invisible letter, which made me
writhe in pain. That time I could not control myself, because it was my
heartthrobs face that came in front of my gaze. I did not want to
loose my newborn sapling so I tried to gather all strength left in my
bleeding heart to overcome the loss and pain.
Chapter 10: Flutter of Wings (#1)
Chapter 10: Flutter of Wings
My relatives were numbered. ChotoMa and Babu arrived on the
mourning ceremony day. We met for the first time after my
miscarriage. She asked me as what I would do. I gave a blank look at
her and asked her as why she was asking me such meaningless
queries.
She told me that she wanted me to return to Kolkata with her--Please ShonaMa, come back.
I gave a pale look at her and answered---You have come to take me
back
when
I
have
lost
everything
in
my
life?
She shook her head in intense agony---I squandered off. I realize
now, ShonaMa. My son never called me back. I dont know where he
is, I dont know how he is.
---So you want to take me back because you have lost your son.
She pleaded to me---Please dont make me feel guilty, I know I tried
to separate you two and I see the outcome. Even in my worst
nightmare I did not fathomed that the lives would be devastated like
this.
I could not control myself anymore---Why have you come? You have
made me hexed after you took away my life from me. Before that, I
was a lively girl, ChotoMa. I used to be happy; I used to laugh. Now
see, I have forgotten what smile is, I have forgotten what love feels
like.
See,
what
you
have
done
to
my
life.
She shook her head and guilt was dripping from her eyes.
She took my hand in hers---You are grown up, ShonaMa
---Yes I am, I was then also, when you took away everything from
our life.
Maithili was nearby with her cute little Nilanjana. Her baby was looking
at me with her small eyes, probably trying to understand the harsh
detrimental world around her. Subroto Da took Nilanjana in his lap and
Maithili
came
near
ChotoMa
and
sat
beside
her.
ChotoMa was at her wits end, she apprehended from her look that
Maithili was not happy. She gave a helpless pleading look at Maithili.
However, my sister-in-law was in no mood to control her angst.
She spoke in a fiery yet cold voice---Ulupi Di, Paree is coming with
me.
You
do
not
have
to
worry
about
her.
I observed from ChotoMas facial contours that her heart broke with
those bitter words from Maithili.
---You have lost the right, Ulupi Di. The woman who stood for Paree,
eight years back during my wedding has not changed in all these
years. That day you showed your ego and stern nature. The same
nature took away my precious sister-in-law away. You have lost the
right Ulupi Di.
The look that ChotoMa gave to Maithili, clearly suggested that she had
lost her words.
I consoled ChotoMa---Please leave me to my fate. I do not want
anyone to shed more tears for me. Let me see what all happens here.
I would like to go back to my native place and try to start a new life
with my child.
Our conversation ended in a cold note. ChotoMa and Babu returned on
that day. Before they went away they requested my in-laws to take
care of me, those came out from the corner of their bleeding heart.
They truly loved me, but my anger deterred me to bow down before
them on that day.
After few days, my sister-in-laws, Meghna and Maithili wanted to take
me back. My mother-in-law told them that she would send me back
after few months. I felt like breathing fresh air again in my lungs. They
left contented and I relied on their words that at last I was going to be
free from the clutch of that dark world around.
The tiny nucleus was taking shape deep inside my womb. I was in my
first trimester. Demise of Himadri did not perturb me much as there
was no steady relation between our souls. The only thought that
harboured in my soul was about my unborn angel. I had to keep him
safe and give birth to that tiny sapling to this world.
During night, the thirty-second invisible letter started to haunt me
again. Whenever I used to close my eyes, I used to find him standing
in front of me with outstretched arms beckoning me to his embrace. I
used to sob and soak the pillow in the silent night. How could I meet
him, I was a demolished woman then. I could not dream of him
properly. He would be unaware of all the facts that made me to marry
and what would be going inside his mind. Three long years had
passed, he would have probably started a new life on his own and it
would not be appropriate to harm another ones peaceful nest.
However, he engulfed my blank soul time and again with his tearful
eyes and invisible envelop.

From March first week, I started to pack my belongings. I wanted to
return to my native abode and started a new life of my own. I wanted
to shed my dark past that I spent as Mrs. Karmakar and lead a life
alone along with my little angel. I made up my mind that once I could
free myself from my in-laws clutch I would never return to Dhanbad.
My in-laws suspected my intentions. My mother-in-law started to ask
me queries about my packing. I told her that I would like to go to my
native place for few days. I hid the truth from them else, they would
have never given the consent.
I asked Niladri as what was his intention about marrying Pallavi.
---Boudi, I fear that my dad would give consent about our marriage.
That day she came to our house as your school colleague.
Nevertheless, my mother suspected her reactions about you. She
asked me queries about Pallavi.
---So, what have you told her.
---I have to brace myself and start a new life out of this coal
business.
Suddenly a roll of film passed in front of my eyes. My heartthrob also
went away to start a new life, he dreamt of taking his fairy along with
him but our fate was against us. That ill fate was manufactured that
did not let us unite. Few painful ripples brewed inside me while I
thought
of
him.
My
eyes
fluttered
and
lips
quivered.
Niladri noticed my uneasiness---What happened, Boudi?
I bit my lower lips and controlled my erupting emotions---Nothing, I
got lost in some beautiful memoirs of mine.
It was the fateful evening of March second week. I was in my room
and was arranging my cupboard and putting my belongings in my
suitcase. I informed Maithili about my intentions and she gave me the
courage. I heard some intense argument between my father-in-law
and Niladri. I suspected that they were arguing about Pallavi.
But as I stepped out of my room, the ambience was very different.
Niladri pointed towards me and shouted to his dad---See, what have
you done to Boudi.
I was astounded to hear him talking like that to his father.
He continued in his top of voice. My mom-in-law tried to persuade him
to
keep
quiet.
But
he
was
rebellious
in
his
words.
---I know, how Himadri had accident. That was not an accident dad.
You and your coal mafias killed him. You made me pawn and dug out
coal from Jhamadoba colliery. It was an open secret in our business
domain. Parashar Singh of Barakar knew this. He wanted to smuggle
out coal from the same colliery along with supervisor. But he knew
that due to you and Himadri he wont be able to step in. That was his
truck which collided with the car.
My father-in-law sat on the sofa with a thud. A huge wave brewed
inside my chest on knowing the bitter truth. Even after knowing that
the accident was not by fluke, I was unable to lament properly.

However, as a human being, tears came in my eyes and my chest
shook in pain.
My father-in-law looked at me and said---I am sorry, Suchi. My
business took away your life from you.
I spoke in calm voice---I want to return to my village.
He roared at me---NO. You are not going anywhere. You will stay
here with us; after all, you are my daughter in law. You are going to
give birth to my first grandchild. I do not want to miss my grandchild
this time.
I shook my head in dismay and angst---I want to do job and start a
new life.
---I wanted a home maker Suchi, and that what you will be.
I clenched my jaws upon hearing those words. My head was about to
burst in anger after hearing him.
He looked at Niladri and hissed at him---For you, I wont allow Pallavi
to be my daughter-in-law.
Niladri could not keep his temper and screamed at him---Do whatever
you want I am going to leave this house forever and I will take my
Boudi with me.
He shouted at Niladri---You can go wherever you want, but she is not
leaving this house.
My mom-in-law was all-silent during these heated conversations.
She spoke to me---Suchi, I dont want to lose another grandchild. I
dont want you to leave.
---But, I dont want to live in a cage. Am I a furniture in your house
that you would keep as a trophy? No, I have pulsating heart inside me,
I want to live.
She lamented on her helplessness---I have no say for that, Suchi.
You keep your mouth shut, Rajani. Has anyone asked your opinion?
my father-in-law hissed at her.
I fathomed that the only way I was left with was to take my life. I did
not want to bring my child in that dark world where there was no love,
no compassion. I could not pose as a burden for Niladri. If I go away
with him, then the society would create unwanted gags about us that
would put our life in bitter fray.
That night after dinner, I braced myself inside my room for the last
call. I looked around the room in which I was caged. The walls looked
at me in a concocted gaze. I gave a painful smile to those walls and
said goodbye. I gathered up myself, braced myself to take my life.
My heart and soul writhed in pain. Very gently and with deep love, I
caressed my womb, my sapling lying inside, engulfed in my blood and

placenta, unaware of the dark world surrounded him. I looked at
myself, there was no blood on my face, and my lips were dry. I placed
my palms on my cheeks to see whether there was any life left or not,
it was all cold.
I took a deep breath and took a glass, filled that with the bathroom
cleaning acid and phenyl. I sat on my bed and I sobbed softly. My
whole life came in front of my eyes. My house, the fields where I
played, the fruit orchard where I used to run during summer to pick up
mangoes, the pond where I used to swim, the roof where I used to sit
with my doll, the puja room where my mother offered puja to her
deity. Then I saw Abhimanyus eyes, I felt his first kiss on my
forehead. My chest trembled violently as I sensed his lips on my
forehead. I tried to keep that sweet touch forever with me but it went
away. His signature gesture of saying me good-bye at Kalka station.
His sniveled eyes when we parted in one rainy morning in July 2001.
Every part of my colourful past came in front of my eyes.
I took a deep breath and stooped down to look at my womb. I
murmured in my heart I am sorry my child. I do not want to bring
you in the dark world that has engulfed me and drowned me in its
quicksand. I cried and cried until my eyes were sore and red. I closed
my eyes to take the deep plunge into the darkness of death.
All of a sudden I heard knock on the door, it was bolted from inside. I
was astounded to hear the knock at that dead night. I did not expect
anyone to knock my door at that point of time. I skulked in one corner
of the bed, the knocking continued. I shook in one corner, the knock
died down. I was shaking in fear. I walked to my table and placed the
glass on that, suddenly the glass panes of the window broke. I was
caught in fear when I saw a shadow on the window. My heart started
to thump fast inside my chest; I was sweating profusely.
Niladri climbed down, a huge load came off my chest. But my heart
filled up with disgust as he came between me and my intention. I was
about to shriek on him, he came close to me and pressed his hand on
my mouth.
He looked at the table, at the glass and whispered in my ears---What
is that, Boudi?
I cried out---I dont want to live anymore Niladri, let me die.
He pressed me hard against the wall and pressed his hands on my lips
to shut me up.
I shook my head trying to tell him that I do not want to live anymore.
His
face
was
filled
up
with
pain
and
angst.
---No, dont be stupid, Boudi. I want you to live.
My soul was void, my eyes were sore. My breaths were faster with
each passing seconds. I shook my head to express my loathe to live.
He put his arms around me and asked me to sit on the bed.
---I will fix everything, Boudi. I will fix my life and I will fix yours.
---How?
He
took
out
his
mobile
and
called
someone.
---Raheel where are you? .. Good, you are in Dhanbad. Ok You
do have car with you. .. Ok Come at the back alley of our house
in next ten minutes Oh! No Saima is also with you? Well bring her
along with you.. Yes I will give you whatever you want. I
want you and Saima just now with your car, Raheel please..
I was at loss of my thoughts as what all he wanted to do and what was
going to happen. He asked me to keep quiet. I was tensed as he was
not speaking anything to me. Tension was dripping from his face also
as he was eagerly waiting for the person whom he called.
After some time we heard a screeching sound of a car to stop, behind
the
house.
Niladri
asked
me
to
come
with
him.
I gave a bewildered look at him---Where?
---Just go away, Suchi Di.
For the first time he called me Suchi Di. I looked at him. His eyes
were glistening in tears. He nodded his head---Your brother-in-law
died with Himadri, Suchi Di. I am one of your poor brother. Now go
away.
The window was small so he scooped me and helped me out of the
window. A Maruti van was waiting outside. I saw a woman and a
person. That person must be Raheel, I thought. A deep anxiety ran
down my spine Where was I going? What was going to happen to
me?
Niladri asked me to sit inside the car, I felt as if I was in some horrible
nightmare. I was unable to gather as what all was happening to me.
Niladri said to Raheel---Take my Boudi to your house. I will meet you
tomorrow and then decide. But today you have to take her away.
He told to the lady---Saima, I am really grateful that you have come.
My Boudi is three months pregnant; take care of her, please. He
folded his hands in front of Saima and pleaded her from the depth of
his heart.
All those time, I sat as a stone in the seat, trying to fathom the storm
that was going around. I gave a bewildered look at Niladri and asked--What is this? What about you?
---I can take care of myself, Suchi Di. Please leave this house forever.
I know my dad; he wont allow to breathe you in fresh air ever again.
He never will. I will handle whatever comes here. You leave this. I will
meet you tomorrow I promise and I will bring your bags.
Saima looked at me and smiled softly---Dont worry, Boudi everything
will be alright.
I was still dipped in confusion Was that a devious act of Niladri? Was
he acting like a brother and trying to bring harm to my life?
He stooped before me and touched my feet all my bitter apprehension
died.
I cried out I could not control myself and hugged him with all my
strength---I am sorry, Niladri. I am an ill-fated woman. The people
whoever
comes
in
my
life,
leave
me
forever.
He sobbed in a deep groaning voice---Live your life, Suchi Di. Go.
The car zoomed out of Dhanbad, cutting through the dark night. Even
the reflection of the head light was not returning. I sat as a cold stone
effigy inside the car, with Saima beside me. She tried to persuade me.
I was feeling very tense and all those tensions were coming out from
my eyes in from of tears.
What a turbulent I have. Even my life is all covered with darkness as
the cold night. I kept on thinking all these. I gave a bewildered look
at Saima who was sitting beside me. She gave me a compassionate
look. I thought, Whether that gaze was going to deceive me again?
What lies behind that look? I was going to a total unknown place with
total unknown persons. Who were they? What were they going to do
with me? I was shivering terribly in cold. Saima hugged me in her
arms and wrapped her shawl around me. I was sweating profusely in
that cold night.
Saima
fathomed
my
trepidation
contours
of
my
face.
Apa, why are you shivering like that? You dont need to worry about
anything. Raheel was driving the car, he said to me. Niladri and I
were best friends since childhood. He can do anything for me and I can
do anything for him. You need not worry Apa. You are his Boudi and
our Boudi also.
I lost my answers; I was in tears as I heard those words. No near and
dear ones were around me. I was in behest of people whom I never
knew. My life is like that. I thought.
---We live in Kulti; Apa. We are taking you to my house. You will be
safe.
Saima nodded and consoled me---Boudi, dont brew unnecessary
trepidation in your heart. Dont feel like that, please.
Her soothing word acted as honey drops for soul. I tried to close my
eyes. A sharp pain was attacking my head, I felt nauseated in arms of
Saima. I swooned to slumber.
When I woke up, the car was passing through narrow lanes and bylanes. I looked at Saima she was also sleeping. It was still dark
outside. After sometime, we reached in front of a house. Saima woke
up.
I asked Saima---Where is this?
---Masjidia park, that is our house, Apa.
A middle-aged woman came out of the house. Raheel said something
to that woman. She gave me a compassionate look and ushered me
inside the house. That lady was Raheels mother. I saw my loving
mother, in her eyes. She took utmost care while I climbed the stairs.
She took me to a room and asked me to take rest. She gave me some
fruits and a tumbler full of milk to drink. My eyes were still wet with all
those incidents. My eyes were full of curiosity; I looked around the
walls. The room was small but very clean and few paintings of
calligraphy graced the walls. I understood that they were pious
religious people. Saima asked me to change my dress and take rest.
Nevertheless, I was unable to sleep although I was tired. The deep
anxiety kept me awake. I was engulfed again with unknown fear.
The next day, since morning I was feeling very uneasy. I sat cowered
on the bed waiting for someone to bring some news. Saima entered
with my breakfast, she looked at my weary contours of my face and
sat beside me.
I asked her---Have you got any news of Niladri?
She shook her head---No, my husband tried his phone since night but
his mobile was switched off.
A sheer grief engulfed me What has happened to him? I prayed to
God Please keep him safe.
The whole day passed, without any news from Niladri. Every time,
Saima or Raheels mother used entered the room, I asked them about
Niladri. But there was no news of Niladri. My heart started to thump
faster with each passing hour.
In the afternoon, when Saima came to me I asked her that I want to
make a call. I wanted to call Maithili and inform her about my
situation.
Hello,
Churni
My
voice
was
She smelled my distress---What happened?
shaking
terribly.
Somehow, I narrated the whole incident. She was shell shocked to

know all those. She asked Subroto Da to come to Kulti to bring me
back.
I wailed to her---Please take me home, Churni.
She persuaded me---Please, stop crying and be strong. Everything
will be alright. Your brother is coming to get you. How is your health?
Everything ok?
---Yes, I am fine till now. But I am feeling very uneasy since
morning.
---Thats all because of tiredness. Where are your belongings? What
about those papers and certificates and all?
In that hurry, I forgot to bring all those important documents with me.
I shivered in grief---I dont have those. They are in Dhanbad.
Her voice sounded in sheer dismay---Insane girl. You should have
brought those along with you.
---But all happened like a thunder. I was unable to understand for a
long time that what all was happening to me. I was not even in
myself, Churni.
---Ok, ok, ok. Try to keep cool and return to me in one piece,
Paree.
I sobbed out---How is Nilanjana?
She laughed---She is fine, waiting for her aunt to sing her a lullaby.
I could not control my tears---I love you Churni. Please get me out of
this.
---Keep calm; Paree. Who is with you, give the phone to that person.
I handed the phone to Saima, the spoke for some time.
Saima consoled me---Your brothers are coming, Apa. Please take
some rest, at least for the sake of your child, Apa. Everything will be
alright.
How could I keep myself out of those revulsions? I caressed my womb
over my dress; my baby was sleeping deep inside me. I shed few
drops of tears.
In the evening Saima informed me that my brothers have started
from my native place and were coming to get me. I felt huge relieve, I
thanked her profusely from the abyss of my soul.
It was late evening, Raheel and Saima entered in my room. I got
suspicious from the look of their face. My heart quailed; I soft groan
bellowed out from my chest---Where is Niladri?
They shook their head and ushered Subroto Da and Shasanko Da into
the room. I could not control my happiness as I saw them. I threw my
arms around Subroto Da, hugged him with all my strength, and broke
in tears. I felt like having the sky in my embrace when I saw my
brothers.A huge ---Please take me home.
---Ok, ok. We will go now. Keep quiet.
---No, just take me home.
Raheel said to Shasanko Da---Take rest tonight, tomorrow morning I
will take you to Asansol. From there you can board train.
Shasanko Da asked me about what all happened; I told him the whole
story. He was furious upon hearing the whole episode.
---I was helpless Dada, what could I do except taking my life?
He was burning in anger; he said that he would file a police complaint
against my in-laws. I could not think of anything at that time. I was
agitated at the same time I was very fidgety about Niladri. What
could happen to him? I do not want anyone to be in grave for me.
Saima and Raheels mother took utmost care of me. I was flattered by
their hospitality. Every time she soothed my head, it reminded me of
my mother and ChotoMa. Both loved me; however, their expression of
love was different. ChotoMa was truly a mother figure to me, but her
snobbery took away the happiness from my life and made me doomed
for life. I cursed her that time for my doomed life. I kept of lamenting
on my doomed fate. No words could soothe my demolished mental
condition. Saima kept on consoling me that nothing would happen to
Niladri or me. But an unknown jitter engulfed my soul that something
might have happened to him, else he would contacted Raheel.
I spoke to Maithili; she was the only person in the whole world who
stood
as
pillar
for
my
battered
life.
---Your brothers are with you, so why are you crying?
I could not hide my distress from her, my voice trembled--Niladri!!!!......

---Nothing will happen to him, he is old enough to look after himself.
---But you dont know my father-in-law, he is dangerous, and what
about Pallavi?
---Keep calm, Paree. I assure you that nothing is going to happen to
them.
I screamed at her---How can you be so sure?
She was well aware of my writhing heart---I know that, simple
enough. Take care of yourself. Too much of tension will put too much
stress on you and your child.
It was dead night; I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Saima was
always by my side. We heard some commotion outside the room. I
woke
up
with
a
jolt
and
stepped
out.
The sight shook me till the bottom of my spine. Niladri was standing in
front of me; his left arm was bleeding. Raheel, his father, my brothers
and few others were around him.
I squealed at him---What happened?
He pressed his bleeding arm and looked at me---Nothing, Suchi Di.
A deep commotion engulfed my chest, my lips quivered on the sight of
blood. I slapped him on his face in pain and anger---Cant you call
me? I was dying here. You left me in lurch and you vanished in thin
air?
He looked at me and said---It is just a bullet, nothing else. I am all
right.
There
was
a
huge
hush
around
him.
Raheels father groaned---(foul) who the hell has shot you?
My brothers were also tensed and tried to understand the whole
episode.
Niladri handed me my bag and said---This has your file and your
jewellery box. That I found in the safe of your cupboard.
I was in tears on seeing his painful yet smiling face. I shook my head--You are terrible. How and who shot you? Where is Pallavi?
She is safe. Dont worry about her. He turned towards Subroto Da
and Raheel and said---Suchi Di has to leave Kulti now.
Both
of
them
were
astonished
by
his
words---What?
He nodded his head---My father is coming after her. His goons shot
me on the way. I came somehow from Panchet and Sanctoria. But
they are coming from Barakar end.
I was frozen as I heard those incidents. I gave a terrified look at
Subroto Da and Niladri. My brothers were at their wits end as they
were unable to come out with any thoughts. I was engulfed in deep
fear as what would happen; will there be a bloody fight due to me? I
prayed to God What all are happening to my life. Please save my
battered
soul
or
beckon
me
to
your
peaceful
abode.
I was so gravely shocked that I felt my head to burst out. I felt jittery
inside my tiny painful soul.
I said to Niladri---Let me meet my fate, Niladri. Why should so much

blood be shed due to me?
All of a sudden a voice roared, it drowned every commotion around. It
was the voice of Raheels father, Haji Abdul Muntaqim Hussian.
He tied his black and white checked keffiyeh around his neck and said--I pray to my Lord five times a day. I bowed in front my Lord in
Mecca. My prayers cannot go in vain. I promise, if any one touches
this child, instead of water blood will flow in Barakar river.
I shook in my brothers arms on hearing that roar. I was in sheer
fright to voice something. I looked to those angry faces who were
showering their solaced gaze upon me.
Raheels father placed his hand on my head and said---Dont worry,
child. Nobody can touch you.
His father asked Raheel---Call Ahmed and ask him to bring his Safari.
Call Munaaf and Yasin, to be here.
Everything was happening so fast that I felt like I was in a deep
caliginous nightmare; he would come out of nowhere and nudge me
softly. I would wake up and find that I was sleeping in his arms. Alas,
what all were happening; were all-true. I begged for mercy on my
poor soul.
Niladri was trembling in pain that was burning in his arm. I was unable
to stand the sight of his cricked face. I tied my duppatta on his arm
and shook my head---You have taken so much pain for a doomed
lady.
It is my duty, now go. He gave a pleaded look to Raheel. Raheel
turned towards his father.
We boarded the car of Ahmed. Raheel and Saima also accompanied
with us. His father along with a pack of people armed with weapons
boarded cars.
Niladri came towards me and bend down to touch my feet. I felt a stir
in my heart as he touched my feet; I sobbed as I touched his hair and
kissed his forehead. I could not utter anything to him. He looked at me
with tears in his eyes, his voice shook---Go away, Suchi Di. Fly. Live
your life.
My lips trembled; I controlled my tears---Give my love to Pallavi.
Take care.
Raheels father asked Niladri to stay back, but he was adamant to face
his destiny.
He looked at me and said---It is my father, I have to face him.
He tucked two Beretta 92 in his belt at his back and started his Yezdi.
That was the last time I saw Niladri vanishing into the dark night along
with others.
Our car started on its way back to my house, where my new life and
my sister-in-law was waiting.
============= END OF PART 2 ============
Chapter 1: Optics Notebook (#1)

Part 3: Rise from ashes
Chapter 1: Optics Notebook
Pupu what are you doing? Do not go there. You are becoming
naughty day by day.
What type of name is this, Pupu?
You gave her the name, Pubali, and this is just a nick name.
No, this cant be a nick name for such a sweet doll.
Then what to call?
I will call her as Papri.
Hmmmmm. That is a sweet name. How you get those names from
that brain.
(Faint smile) She is such a cute doll. It is her time to play and run.
It reminds me of our old days.
(hearty laugh) dont tell me that you remember those days when you
were three years old.
How is all going?
(after a small pause) Till now ok. But I have to go away.
Why?
I dont want to be a burden for my brothers.
Stay with me.
(faint painful smile) You cannot feed me and my child, life long.
What are you going to do?
I want to do some job. May be a school teacher and keep myself
engaged with my child.
(a painful sigh) How all these happened? Still I am in shock.
(a deep breath, gentle shaking of head) All my doomed fate. No one
to blame.
Hey, do you remember the night?

Which one?
Seven years ago, same time, this bed. You and him. You were feeding
him like your child.
(faint smile) I have not forgotten a single second of those seven
months. Even now when I close my eyes, I see that he is standing
with his arms stretched, beckoning me.
Do you want to have the diary back?
(exclaimed shriek) You have that still with you?
How can I destroy? You told me to give that to him, but he never
came?
What?
Yes,
he
never
came
to
take
that
back.
(anxious voice) He called you? What did he asked? How is he? Where
is he? Is he in Delhi or again he has left India? Did he cried? What was
his reaction after you told him about me? I want to know everything?
(sobs )
Wait, wait, wait, (a little pause) Yes, he called.
And then What did he said?
He called at night. It was very cold that day. Pupu and Oh sorry!
Papri was sleeping by my side. Dipankar answered the phone. He
asked me to speak to him. He sounded very happy that he returned to
India. He asked about his Grand Aunt, Maithili and Subroto. He asked
about us. I told him that Pubali was born to me. He was almost in
tears on hearing about my baby. Then I told her about Parvati Boudi
and his Grand Aunt. He was shocked; he was shaken. He sobbed on
the phone.
He did not ask about me?
He kept that query to be asked at last, as he knew from his heart...
(Voice trembled, chest shook, sight hazy) what he knew
You
know
very
well
what
he
knew.
What he asked and what did you say? What he did after that?
(a deep breath) He lamented that he was unable to support you
during those dire times. I told him that Maithili had new telephone
connection. He asked her telephone number. He said that he would
talk to her and ask for her forgiveness from the abyss of his heart. He
would
do
anything
for
her
and
Subroto
And,
then
.
When
did
he
ask
about
me?
Yes, after that he asked about you He sounded so confident, that I
lost my voice to answer him. He said that you might be teaching
somewhere. You might have become more beautiful and elegant as a
teacher. He joked that your students and fellow colleagues might have
passed comments on your dimples.
(surprised voice) really, he said so..
He asked whether you were still living at his home or your native
place. That question was the toughest question of my entire lifetime.

He was babbling like a child and I was sobbing on the other end. He
heard my sobs. I could not make what was going inside him. All the
energy of his voice, died all of a sudden. He asked me whether
something bad has happened to you or not. I said no, I said you were
fine.
Then..
He fathomed everything from my sobs and when I said you were
doing well. He asked me whether you received his letters or not. I said
him, that you received his thirty-second letter only, rest were burnt to
ashes by his parents. He hissed and cursed his parents. He
apprehended that you were married off. He only said a single sentence
before keeping the phone.
What.
He will not interfere in anyones life. Nor his parents neither yours. He
sounded very cold.
He never asked you, how was I or where was my in-laws house?
No. Do you think, those answers were meaningful to him?
Not even, out of curiosity? Did he call after that day?
No, he never called me after that day. But for once he called Maithili.
Did
he
leave
his
contact
number
with
you?
No, he called on my landline so I was also unable to detect his
contact number.
(an endless silence in the room, only the sound of heart thumping
inside the chest could be heard along with sweet babbles of Papri.)
Can
you
give
me
that
packet
back?
Sure take this.
You know, this Laughing-Buddha, he presented me at Nako during my
first trip. Then I had nothing to give him, so I pierced my index finger
with his blade and he sucked me finger. A tiny drop of my blood was
my present to him. He was in tears, so was I. I stole this diary on the
last night, just to read what he wrote about me. I could not return to
him.
(a deep sigh came out of chest) He is again lost.
My fate, every time he tries to come near, somehow he goes far away
from me. I dont want to separate that name from me.
Means
This optics notebook, I will keep with me all time. I will name my son,
so that I can call that name anytime and every time. (Voice was
choked) I dont want to separate anything of him from me.
(a gentle smile) How do you know that you will give birth to a son?
Oh! Come on just like that, but I feel from the depth of my heart that
I will bear a son.
But it is very hard to lead a life alone with a
(A deep sigh) Not hard as my past years, so I will manage.
child.
(A sweet babble) Maaammaaaaa banana mammmaaaa banana

(a hearty laugh) She talks too much, how sweet. I am taking her with
me.
She
will
stay
with
me
tonight.
Ok, but if she cries at night it is up to you how to keep her quiet.
Ah! Come on she can sleep with me, no problem.
She will ask about her mother at night, and then you will understand.
She
will
keep
you
awake
till
middle
of
the
night.
(hearty laugh) Already Titli does not let anyone sleep peacefully.
These children, who born during daytime; keeps awake during night.
What
type
of
logic
is
this,
cant
understand?
Yes,
both
of
the
girls
were
born
in
day
time.
By
the
way,
how
are
you
doing
this
time?
Fine. Expected is first week of August. However, my doctors studied
my old reports and checked me. They said that they will stitch the
opening of my uterus in eighth month so that no more mishaps.
Take care this time.
Yes.
How is Dushtu? Is he talking to you? During your marriage, he was
very quiet.
He is doing well, grown up, understands everything. Next year he will
be in class ten. He was very close to my heart. He is very good boy. I
know, he was very sad and for the next four years he did not called
me for a single time.
How
is
he
doing
in
his
studies?
Good, he is good in maths. But he wants to study history. In that one
week, Abhi stole everyones heart, Parvati Boudi, my mom and
Dushtu.
And what about your ChotoMa and Babu?
No I am not going to contact them, after what they have done to
me.
But, now the situation has changed. They might be lamenting also
about their deed. So why not keep in contact with them?
No, I dont feel so. Let the time heal, currently I am not in a state to
tie strings with them.
(puerile voice) mammmaaaa chocolate..
See, now she wants chocolate.
Ok, I am taking her with me. If she cries then I will call you at night.
(laugh) You will have a tough night tonight, I am sure. Titli and Papri
will
just
pull
all
your
hair
from
your
head.
(heartily laugh) Taking some cues about my future situation.
You will be able to return alone to your house? Shall I call Dushtu?
Probably he has not returned from his school till now. I will be ok.
Your new nickname is so sweet. Papri. Ok take care, and if you need
me at night just give a call.
I was again happy, to get my life back. Maithili took utmost care to
heal my scars. But those scars were so deep that I used to find hard to
sleep during night. I used to sleep alone in my room. His thoughts
used to keep me engaged for most of the nights. I used smear a faint
smile every time he came in front of my open eyes.
I returned along with Papri (Pubali, daughter of Kalyani) to my house.
All the way, she was babbling like a naughty girl. She was scratching
my cheeks and head. I enjoyed those sweet soft touches. I was
laughing at her. Maithili laughed at me on seeing Papri on my lap.
---So, you are praticising how to keep your sleep at bay.
I laughed at her---Titli keeps my sleep away for most of the time.
---Dont
say
that,
she
do
not
sleep
with
you.
---Ahh I hear her cries and how could I sleep when my sweet niece
is crying.
She looked at the packet in my hand---You have brought those?
Why? I thought you might want to forget all those?
I shook my head and smiled at her---That is the most beautiful thing
I got in my life. How can I forget those days and times. I paused for a
little---He
called
you
but
you
never
spoke
to
me.
---Ok, times were different then, Paree. So I never talked about
that.
---I want to know what he told you.
---Keep calm. Later after dinner, I will speak to you. By the way
Dushtu was asking for you.
---Why?
---I dont know. He laughed at me and said that is strictly between
aunt and nephew.
I laughed at her and asked where he was. She said that he was in the
backyard.
Maithili took Papri from my lap. Naughty Papri gave a juvenile naughty
smile at both of us.
I walked towards the backyard of our house. I observed that Dushtu
was standing beneath the mango tree.
I asked him---You were searching for me?
He nodded his head and pointed to the tree---See, this year, this tree
will bear fruits.
I looked up, the mango flowers were blooming at it full. The flowers
covered most of the leaves.
I smiled at him and asked him---What does this means?
He came near me and threw his arms around my neck---My aunt is
going to have smile in her life again.
I
slapped
playfully
on
his
head---How
that
can
be?
---I can smell the fruits. I am happy that you are again with us. This
time you will not leave me, right?
---Dear,
we
have
to
go.
It
is
getting
dark.
---Promise me, this time you are not going anywhere.
Ok, I will not go anywhere. However, I had to leave him, to lead my
life
of
my
own.
Differences
poured
in
shortly.
That night after dinner, Papri was sleeping by my side. I opened the
diary and the old smell of yellow pages made me nostalgic with those
colourful dreams. I read his poems, his nonsense poems made me
laugh again. Then I read about all those he wrote in his diary about
our meet. I laughed when I read what he thought of me. How he
looked at me on the first day. How he felt after kissing my forehead. I
was reading and laughing at him. I felt that he was standing by my
side, by my bed and looking at me. I was heartily enjoying all those
lines when Maithili entered my room with my medicines. She looked at
me and gave a naughty smile on seeing me reading the diary.

---So again engrossed in old days.
I nodded at her and smiled---Yes, that naughty fellah wrote some
nasty words about all of us.
We both laughed at peak of our voice. She knew very well as what all
was written about her in that diary. She was red-faced and looked
deeply in my eyes.
I smiled at her red-face and nodded my head on remembering that
incident---You naughty girl. Cant keep anything to yourself.
She joked at me---Please, dont say those words. I feel really
ashamed about what I did that evening. She sat beside me---He
called
me
the
same
night
he
called
Kalyani.
I was very eager to know as what he spoke to her---What did he
say?
She took a deep breath; her eyes glistened. I asked her as why she
was looking so remorse.
She shook her head in dismay and pain. She took my hand in hers---I
am very sorry Paree.
I could not understand a single word of her as why she was asking my
forgiveness---What happened? What did he say?
---He said only one sentence. Virtually he cursed me. I lost my words
and I cried after that.
I shrieked at her---What did he say?
Churni, you must be the happiest person on this earth to find your
words bear the fruit. Both our eyes were soaked in tears. We kept
looking at each others face for a long time. We both lost our words.
Paree, I never meant those words to be true. Paree, I do not know
how those words became so much true. Please forgive me.
I consoled her---Leave those.
---I repent for my words
---I know.
I tried to tell him that I was very sorry for those words but he
disconnected the call before I could speak. Maithili was in tears and
so was I.
I let out a deep exhale from my chest. I felt a huge load to come off
my chest all of sudden. May be because in my subconscious mind, he
virtually cursed Maithili and probably that news poured some respite
for my pains.
She sat beside me and joked---So what did he wrote about me in that
diary.
I constricted my brows and gave a naughty smile, in spite of tears in
both
of
our
eyes---Really
you
want
to
know?
As if we both were enjoying those words.
She snatched the diary from my hand---Oh! Sure. I want to know

what
that
rascal
wrote
about
me.
I looked at her with veiled anger in my wet eyes---He is not a rascal.
---Sorry,
dear.
I
did
not
mean
to
hurt
you.
---Oh! No he is really a rascal. He wrote several things about me
also.
She gave a naughty smile at me---Ummmm Then I must read.
NOOOO I shrieked, my face was red hot with shame and coy.
She joked in the same tone with me---Please, please..
It was after seven years, I was laughing like a young girl. I was
breathing fresh air in my lungs again. I asked Maithili to bring Titli in
my bed, then we could make enjoy of what all was written in that
diary, for whole night. All his writings about rejuvenated us for the
whole night, we both laughed, blushed and cursed both of us same
time.
My days passed, reading the Optics Notebook, walking past the
mango tree and nurturing my angel who was sleeping safely in my
womb, waiting for the opportune time.
Chapter 2: Storks Visit (#1)
Chapter 2: Storks Visit
I tried to make my days around my Optics Notebook and my unborn
fawn. I was happy to enjoy the new lease of life, same time I
lamented on my doomed fate. Every moment I used to visualize his
eyes after he came to knew about my marriage, my child and my
doomed fate. I use to cry during night and tried to reach out for him,
however every time I tried to touch him; he used to step back and
vanish away in the dark night. I use to lament on my fate for most of
the nights. I queried myself Should I go for him? I must meet him
and ask him what my fault was. My soul writhed with the thought that
after he heard of my sacrament he also would have stepped forward in
his life and leading a peaceful life. Although we both knew that it was
not fault of ours, yet I wanted to meet him for once. Nevertheless, it
dawned in my soul that I have no right to create unwanted ripples in
his peaceful abode.
I was unable to save much of my money while I was in Dhanbad. Most
of my earnings were spend on my daily needs and household works. I
did not want to lose my self-esteem; I did not want to ask for money
from my brothers so I had to rely on my fixed deposits. I had to have
some constant source of income. I wanted to pursue my career as I
knew that all what I had, would wean away someday. I thought to
strike chord, my old peers, and my college friends. I was very
skeptical at the beginning that how to approach my friends, Teesta
and Delisha. It was I, who never contacted them. I had to gather up
myself to rekindle those old relationships. I lost Teestas contact
number only I had the direction and address of hers.
One day I asked Dushtu---Will you do a favour for me?
He was very eager to help me out---Sure, Paree auntie. What is
that?
I gave him the address of Teesta and asked him to visit her house. I
waited anxiously for the whole day as what news he would bring.
In the evening, he entered in my room with a sullen face. I was

worried on seeing his face.
I asked him---What happened?
---Your friend does not live at the address any more. She is married
now.
I gave a helpless look at him and asked him---Did you ask her
parents about her?
He nodded his head Yes.
---Then, did they gave you her address and contact number?
He gave a naughty look at me---Why dont you ask her number to
her?
I was very much surprised on hearing---You naughty boy. Give me
her number.
Teesta entered the room, I felt as if I was in seventh heaven on seeing
her face. She nodded her head in veiled anger at me.
---You forgot us.
My eyes were filled up with tears. I mumbled---I was not is a state to
call anyone.
She came and sat beside me---The moment I saw your nephew at my
doorstep, my heart skipped. I lost my words when he told me about
you. I could not wait for Debu so I came alone with him.
I
threw
my
arms
around
---How all these happened?
her
and
broke
down.
Maithili was standing at the door, she answered---Thats a long story

and that is past. You are going to stay for few days?
She nodded her head Yes.
I gave a sweet smile at Teesta---So how is Debu? Glad to see that
you both are together.
She gave a coy look at me and said---All due to you. But one thing
that is pestering me is.
I fathomed as what was the query that was pestering her Why I am
not sullen even after the demise of y husband? Teesta was unaware
of all the facts that happened with me.
---Take
rest,
later
on
I
will
tell
you
everything.
She gave a queer look at me---How come you knew that what I was
to ask?
I
answered---Your
face
was
saying
all
those,
dear.
I asked her about them, Debobroto and her marriage and their life.
Their love bore the fruit on two years after my marriage. She tried to
contact me and send me the marriage invitation card, but somehow I
did not receive that. The address was wrong. She did not pursue her
career and she was a homemaker then. Debobroto worked as physics
teacher in a college in Howrah. They lived in Ballygaunge Phari,
Debobroto house. I requested her that I want a job. She assured me

that she would talk to Debobroto regarding that.
After
dinner,
Teesta
and
I
were
alone
in
my
room.
She asked me---Everything is a mystery to me, Mita. I am unable to
come in terms as how all these happened with you.
I looked deep into her eyes and said---For my friends, it is Paree.
She
gave
a
queer
look
and
asked---What?
I nodded my head---Mita and Suchi, both are past, Teesta. It is Paree
standing in front of you. I want to forget those old days and what all
happened to me.
I narrated my coarse days of last four years. Most of the time, I
choked
and
kept
me
curse
my
doomed
fate.
She asked me---Why were you not happy with marriage? What was
the
reason?
Do
you
love
someone
else?
I let out a deep exhale out, I felt somewhat lighter after sharing my
tears with her.
---I was in love. I loved him madly.
---And.
---He
had
to
go.
Our
fate,
we
had
to
part.
She
was
surprised---He
ditched
you?
No it brought tears in my eyes He loved me more than anything
else in this world. He never ditched me. His mother, my ChotoMa
asked him to leave the house. He went away so that I could pursue my
career and studies.
---He did not have the courage to fight back? What type of person
was he?
---He wrote me letters. I never received those. He came back for me.
He called after returning to India, but by that time, I was married off
to Himadri. My life was finished by then. His invisible words still haunts
me.
---Why did you marry when you loved someone else?
---I waited for him. He told me that he would contact me. However,
with each passing day, my faith started to diminish, as I received no
news from him. My soul started to wean off and I had to bow in
pressure.
My voice choked while narrating my story, to her. I visualized that he
was standing at the door and smiling at me. I looked at the door, the
curtain fluttered. It reminded me of the second night of Maithilis
marriage. He hid behind the curtain to look into the room and as I
went towards the door, he ran to the roof. I smiled, as those colourful
thoughts stormed in my mind.
For the whole night, we talked and talked. I felt living my old life once
again.
Debobroto arrived next morning at our house. He was offended on
hearing everything from Teesta. He asked me as why I kept silent for
all those years. I was at loss of words for making some excuse.
He asked me---So that letter, you once gave me, was for him.
---No, it was not for him. It was for his friend. I thought that it would
bring some news. I called his friend and I got the news of him. He said
that he would contact me, which never came. When his news came, it
was too late for me to look back.
He asked me---What is deterring you now?
I cursed myself---Debu, now it is too late. He called me three years
back. He left no information about his whereabouts after hearing that I
was then someone else wife.
---But, you are still in love with him.
I took a deep breath and nodded my head---Yes. More than anything
else. However, it was three years back. I do not know where he is or
even how is he. I do not know whether he has married someone or
not. If he has, then I have no right to meddle in his peace.
I expressed my eagerness to live my life of my own and do a job. He
said that he would help me. He also informed me that, to get into a
college would be tough, as I had to sit for NET. For getting a job as a
schoolteacher, I would have to clear SSC exams. I answered that I
would prepare myself for those.
I used to walk alone on the roof, look up into the summer sky. The
summer winds played harsh on my mind and soul. I stood at one
corner on the roof and looked below. That was the place, from where
he stalked me, on the first day we met. I laughed at myself; I knew he
was standing on the roof looking at me while I was talking to my
friends in the courtyard. I observed him that day with the corner of my
eyes that he was sipping a cup of coffee and looking at me. I never
told him that I fascinated him from the moment I saw him stalking at
me like that.
During evening, I walked to the backyard near the mango tree. I
looked up and found it was full of ripe mangoes. I used to take a deep
breath to fill my lungs with the aroma of ripe mangoes. I felt that he
was near me, watching me from somewhere.
Months passed by. With each passing day, my fawn was growing
inside me. I felt those sweet ripples and turns. I felt those small kicks
on the inner walls of my womb. I felt my life was coming to a full circle
as a mother, but somehow that circle was not complete as a woman.
There was a gap, because I lost my love, my heart. During USG, I was
shown the heartbeat of my tiny fawn. I cried when I saw that tiny
beating heart inside me. The three-d report even showed the face of
my little angel. I was very happy and I was in tears on seeing those
closed eyes, tiny nose and little fingers.
Once
I
asked
my
doctor---My
son
or
daughter?
She smiled at me and asked---Few months are left; all queries will be
answered, dear.
I had to confront the toughest question of my life then.
---What name would you want on the birth certificate?
I paused for a little and looked at Maithili. She use to accompany me

with every time visited the doctor.
She answered---Miss Suchismita Mondal. and smiled at me Fathers
name, Late Himadri Karmakar.
Tears brewed in my eyes in expression of gratitude, my lips quivered
on the thought How easily she understands my pains.
My doctor said to us---It will be a tough world out there, Suchismita.
My full womb made me audacious and I gave a doughty look at her--I have that with me, doctor. Time has made me so. I can take care of
my own.
Maithili nudged me and said---Why are you talking like that? We are
here to take care of you.
While returning to home, I said to Maithili that she and my brothers

have their own family to take care. They cannot take care of my child,
lifelong and me. I had to leave them someday. I expressed my desire
to move out and do some job.
She shook her head in dismay and said---If you ever set foot out of
the house, then I wont talk to you again.
I smiled painfully at her---Churni, you will see. Someday you will feel
to
get
rid
of
me.
I
will
be
a
burden
to
you.
She screamed at me with hazy eyes---NO that day will never come.
I took her hand in mine and soothed her---Churni, you are sweet but
time
has
made
me
to
look
beyond
and
foresee.
She kept mum, spoke nothing except clinging little Titli to her lap. I
smiled
at
Titli
who
was
smiling
at
me
sweetly.
Few months before my expected delivery date, both of my sister-inlaws offered my sadhh. It was age old tradition for Bengalis to give
the expected mothers whatever they desired. In old days, the
mortality rates for the mothers were quiet high so the tradition
followed.
Maithili asked me---What do you want as a present.
---I dont want any present from you. You are the greatest present
God has sent for me.
She stroked my chin and said---I am repenting and trying to make up
what I said to Abhimanyu.
I tried to pacify her---It was not you, who separated us, Churni.
She looked at me with hazy eyes---But it was my words and he
cursed me.
My gynecologist studied my reports and advised me to stitch the
opening of my womb in first week of June, so that the miscarriage
could be averted. I felt false pains from the beginning of July. On the
second week of July, my doctor advised me to be admitted to hospital.
She advised me to have caesarian baby instead of going with normal
one. Maithili and Meghna Boudi also advised me to go for the same.
I was admitted to hospital. The stork visited at my place on the second

week of July 2008. On the day, I was very frightened. My heart was
beating very fast inside my chest. I was taken into the labour-room.
The nurse prepared me to take me to the operation theatre. I was
given anesthesia injection on my spine. The nurse showed me the
genitals of my cub, I had no energy left to yet I felt crying in
happiness.
My doctor soothed my forehead and said to me in her gentle voice--Now happy, Suchismita. You have given birth to a beautiful son.
Congratulation.
What
are
you
going
to
name
him?
That moment was the happiest moment of my life. I closed my eyes
and said to my doctor---Abhimanyu.
My fawn, I wanted to treasure him like a pearl bead on a lotus leaf and
the name I wanted to keep close to my heart. The name I do not want
to separate from me, in my lifetime. I knew that it would probably
raise some eyebrows.
I was shifted to the room. The nurse brought my sweet Abhi, wrapped
in a flannel and placed on my lap.
For the first time in four years, I saw Delisha and Danish.
Maithili took Abhi on her lap and asked me---So who is going to name
him?
My voice was weak, I whispered---I have named him, Abhimanyu.
She gave a queer look at me along with all others present in the room.
I gently nodded my head---Yes, his name in Abhimanyu Mondal. I
took a deep breath and looked at my sons face I dont want to let
that name away from me.
She placed Abhi beside me. He looked at me with his tiny squint eyes
and yawned at me. I rubbed his tiny nose with mine.
I sobbed at him and made a promise to him---I will grace you with
every speck love I have, both father and mother, Abhimanyu.
Each time I called his name, I felt a new lease of life within me. His
name and my babys smile empowered a new vista in me.
Chapter 3: Solitary Voyage (#1)
Chapter 3: Solitary Voyage
My room turned into a battlefield after I returned home. The cries of
Abhi, babbles of Titli and she used to crawl all over the place and Papri
used to talk all nonsense and run all over the place. Every time I sat
for breast-feeding Abhi, Papri would sit beside me and ask me to place
Abhi on her lap.
She used to look at me with pleading eyes and kiss my cheek---Give
my Bhai.
I used to smile at her and ask her sit properly with her legs folded on
the bed then gently I used to place him on her lap.
On the other hand, whenever Titli use to come near Abhi, she felt that
someone has come to her house to divide her affections, so she used
to look at his face closely and then all of sudden she use to slap gently
on his face.
We all three mothers had tough time handling our cubs. The room
looked like a battle station and we were mere spectators in the midst
of the warriors.
My heart use to fill up with a halo of love and satisfaction whenever
Abhi use to suckle milk. I looked at his smiling face and kissed his
forehead. He looked at me with his tiny eyes and glued with me to get
my warmth. I pressed him across my chest to feel his tiny thumping
heart and whispered in his ears I will keep you away from all miseries
of this world, my baby.
His eyes were big; I use to wonder as whose features he might have
borne.
I asked Maithili---Whom does he look like? I never wanted that she
tell me that he looks like my late husband. I never sought similarities
of
my
late
husbands
features
in
my
Abhi.
She looked at both of us---His chin and lips are like you, chubby
cheeks and thin lips. However, his eyes are big, not like yours but
some ones else. He has mixed features. I cant make it right now.
His eyes are like my Abhi. Is not it? I rather tried hard to find
resemblance of heartthrob in my cute cub. For hours, I used to look
into his face and tried hard to visualize the hidden resemblance on my
love on my cubs face. It was not my fancy but I believed that from
the depth of my heart that my cub has eyes of my love.
Whenever I use to massage oil on Abhi, he used to kick me and that
made me annoyed. We used to fight over his bath and like the elder
one; he was very naughty. Always smiling at me with his toothless
face.
In the evening, I used to carry him in my lap and use to stroll in the
backyard of my house, between the fruit orchards and beside the
pond. I used to stand under the mango tree and point to the tree and
use to whisper in his tiny ears---You have to be strong like this,
fruitful like this tree and dont ever never bow down in any pressure in
life. Remember, life is another name of pain and love. You should get
used to it.
He used to giggle at me and look in his mothers face as if saying
Always with you, Mamma.
When he slept, I looked at his calm face, sometimes he fluttered his
tiny lips probably trying to tell me something in his sleep Mamma, I
love you. Whenever he stretched his little arms and legs while
sleeping, he looked very cute. Every time I looked in his face I tried to,
he looked different, painted as a beautiful bud, peaceful and calm as
snow. I used to show him outside the window, whenever I swung him
in my laps and sang him lullaby. I pointed to the outer world that was
waiting for him. I used to whisper in his tiny ears See, the world is
beckoning you. You have to be strong for your mom. I have no one
except you, my Dear. You are the only person in this whole world,
around
whom
I
will
have
to
bestow
my
life.
The stark reality came in front of me after few weeks. Money was
weaning from my account very fast. All the expenses of my hospital
and doctors; everything were conferred by me. I did not want to ask
for money from my brothers. The strange fact was that they never
offered me to bear my cost. Maithili tried to help me but somehow I
deterred myself from asking money from her. I did not want to bring
the money between our relations. One thing I was sure of that, I was
self
satisfied
and
lived
with
self-esteem.
After two months, the bare skeletons started to show its knuckle out of
cupboard of the life. Gradually the warmth faded, the ambiance in my
house started to change.
One day at the dinner table, Meghna Boudi said to me---Paree, we
live in a village. This is not a city where people lives confined in their
house
and
dont
meddle
in
others
lives.
I gave a bewildered look at her; I was unable to understand as what
she meant to say.
She continued---People have started talking about you. You are
widow; you changed your name to you maiden name and gave your
son your maiden surname.
I gave a helpless look at my brothers; they were silent. It dawned in
my mind that they support as what Meghna Boudi was saying.
I asked her in a daunting voice---Why do I have to care about what
the people have to say about me? Did they come for my rescue, no.
They never fed me or my son.
---But
there
are
talks
going
around,
Paree.
I looked at Maithili, she winked me to keep quiet and then she asked
Subroto Da---You have not discussed with me regarding these, why?
He fumbled for words---Churni, we all have a life of our own. I do not
want to bring any kind of disgrace or any type of foul rumors around
my house.
---Where will she go?
Meghna Boudi said to her---She was saying about some job, if she
gets
early
then
it
will
be
better
for
all
of
us.
Maithili grinded her jaws at her husband and said---Will you say
something, or keep quiet.
I apprehended that my days in my native place were over. I foresee
that
situation
much
before
that
night.
I pacified Maithili---I told you few months back, Churni that I had to
confront such days.
I looked at all of them and said---We will have better relation if we
dont meddle in our lives. I will go away, but I need some time to find
a job.
I could not find much words, I walked in my room and looked on the
bed, where Abhi was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the facts that a
storm was brewing around him. I did not know where to go; only I
know that I had to go. I saw that Dushtu was sitting beside him,
looking deeply on his face. On hearing my footsteps, he looked at me
and I saw tears in his eyes. My soul was filled with disgust and the
sight of emotions flowing down from Dushtus eyes made me weaker.
He gave a pleading look at me and said---Paree Auntie, please dont
go.
I walked near him, he threw his arms around me and broke down on
my chest---Please dont go.
I ruffled his hair and soothed him---See, you are grown up boy. You
will have a new place to visit during your vacations.
---No, I dont want to visit you. I want you by my side.
How do I make him understand that the society around us was talking
about my recent motherhood in spite of being a widow? They do not
try to delve into the reality that was responsible for my situation.
I looked at Abhis face while clasping Dushtu in my arms.
I said to him---You will grow up and understand why your Paree
Auntie left you.
He shook his head---I know, my mom asked you to leave the house.
---No, it was not your mom. There was something else behind all
these.
Somehow, I could not pacify him with all my words but he said nothing
and went away wiping his face.
I could not sleep that night, only one thought that circled in my mind
and engulfed my soul was, Where should I go now? I took out
Abhimanyus diary and pressed in on my chest. Tears rolled down my
cheeks and soaked the cover of the Optics notebook. I tried to
gather courage and warmth out of the lively words written in that
diary.
It was dark outside and Abhi was sleeping quietly beside me. I looked
at his face before closing my eyes. I heard the door creek. I looked up
to the door, there was no one.
I
heard
a
voice,
a
deep
hum,
saying
me---Paree.
I shivered on hearing my name from the voice I eight years ago. I
looked around to find Are you really there? Where are you, come in
front of me. Take me with you. Save me from my miseries.
---Step out, nothing will happen to you.
---Sure.
---Yes I am, Paree.
I ran towards the door. August winds were howling bitterly outside. I
observed that, Maithili was walking towards my room. She was
surprised to see me on the balcony, having a bewildered face.
I was also surprised to see her in that hour---What are you doing?
You have not slept?
She took me inside the room and asked me sit down on the bed--You have not slept also.
I gave a painful daunt look at her---I am unable to sleep.
---So am I.
---You dont need to put your family life in fray due to me.
---I tried to pacify your brothers and Meghna Boudi. But you know
about the village rumors and pep talks.
---Yes I know that very well. I lived my twenty-five years here, in this
soil and earth, among these fields and orchards. Last two times I went
away, I never felt so sad. However, this time, it is sad for me. But,
Churni, being a thirty-three year old lady and lived a life full of pains
and torment, it made me strong enough to face whatever comes.
Her voice was choked once again, but I never felt the pain of parting
that time.
---I am really helpless, Paree.
I took her palms and soothed her---Dont be. No one need to shed
tears for me anymore. I let out a long exhale, I felt lighter---It will
be better for all of us. Churni, if several utensils are in one place, then
it is bound to make noise. But if you keep those utensils away from
each other then they dont make noise with each other, right dear.
---I beg your forgiveness for what I said for all the pains you had to
bear due to me.
---You never hurt me.
---I still feel that ..
I gave a painful smile at her lamenting face---Abhimanyu will
understand everything and will forgive you.
---How he will understand?
---I dont know how, but my heart says that he has forgiven you.
Take my word, Churni.
She threw her arms around me and hugged me closely. I never felt so
much strong in my life even in that darkest hour. I heard his voice
which told me to step out, probably his voice ignited fire inside me and
made me strong enough to face the world waiting for me.
Next day morning, I called Teesta and told her that I need a job badly
and as soon as possible.
---But you have to wait for exams and results, Mita.
---I need a job desperately.
---What happened? This time I do not want any lies. If you feel that I
am a friend of yours then you have to tell me everything.
I told her about the village pep talks going around and everything
what my brothers said to me.
She said to me---Why dont you come and stay at my house?
---No, that is not possible. I do not want to string up any person with
my
doomed
fate.
I
just
need
some
help,
please.
---Let me talk to Debu. I am sure he will find something for you. I
think my time has come to repay what you gave me, my love.
---It was not me who conjoined you two. There were hidden feelings
between
you
two
I
just
showed
both
of
you.
---God does not come down to show path, Mita. He sends messenger
to show the path.
---Dont compare me with HIM, I am a doomed lady.

---You are the most precious lady I have ever met in my life. I will
speak to Debu, in meantime pack your bags; I am coming to get you.
She
paid
no
heeds
to
my
pleas.
Debobroto called me at evening---So, you want to do a job.
---Yeah.
He paused for few seconds---See, to get into college you have to pass
NET
and
for
school
teacher
you
have
sit
for
SSC.
---But there are private schools also; I can get a job there also.
---Hmmm. I dont want you to be a teacher in a private school.
---Beggars are not choosers Debobroto. I have to take whatever
comes in my way.
---There is a fellowship program in Saha Institute of Nuclear Physics
at Saltlake. You can work under any professor and carry on with your
studies as well. I think this will be a good option for you.
I was amazed and same time I was skeptical as how could I get into
that esteemed organization.
---Dont worry; I have contacts in Saha Institute. You remember
Rajat in our class; he is working there. I know a professor who is
looking for an apprentice for his project. Doctor Himangshu Sarkar. I
will speak with him. But you have to clear few procedures.
I leapt at his proposal---Whatever be it, I will take that.
I was shivering in excitement. My voice choked while expressing my
gratitude to him---I am very thankful to you. I dont know how to
thank you.
---You need not, Mita. Friends are there. By the way, probably Teesta
will come at your place in a day or two to bring at our place.
---I dont want to put you in some fray. I will rent out a flat near to
the Institute in Saltlake.
---Are you sure, that you will be able to take care of yourself?
I replied with endured voice---Yes, I am. I have everything with me.
My little Abhi and my Abhimanyus diary.
The day I travelled to Saltlake, the bus passed through VIP road. It
stooped at my ChotoMas place. I felt huge ripples inside me. I bit my
lips to control my brewing emotions How were they passing their
days, without their son? Two aged person alone in the house, living a
solitary agonizing life. No one to take care of them. Should in go, but
why should I go? I am not their daughter neither their blood. Will they
accept me? May be yes may be no. The bus left the stoppage and I
kept on thinking all those.
I was glad to find my old peers around me, Rajat. He greeted me with
warm heart. Although we were never so close in our college days, but
he helped me.
I smiled at him---After long time we meet.
---You have changed a lot.
---Really, how so?
---You have become bit bulky.

I laughed out on his observation and joked---Stalking me again.
He shook his head---Oh! No not again. By the way, I have spoken to
Dr. Sarkar. You have to sit for a written exam and then he will take an
interview. You need not exert any unnecessary tension. I have told
him
everything
about
you
and
he
will
manage.
---I dont have words to express my heartfelt gratitude to you.
---Leave it.
I was skeptical at first to ask him about his ladylove, Pushpanjali,
because at that time I was unaware whether they were actually
married or not.
I asked him---Are you married?
He looked at me queer face and smiled---She will be very happy to
see you, after a long time. Why dont you come to my house after
meeting,
Pushpanjali
will
be
very
glad
to
meet
you?
I left my four-month-old Abhi in care of my beloved Churni, although I
knew that she would take care of him, but mothers soul always feel
the magnetic attraction to take her child in her lap.
---Some other day, by the way where do you live?
---Same place, I used to.
Dr. Sarkar was very kind person. After finishing my exam paper, he
asked me some simple queries. He was like a coconut, hard shell on
the outer side and white creamy soft inner side. He was more
interested in asking about my cub rather than questions of physics.
He told that his daughter live in Massachusetts, United States. He has
a grandchild and he contends his heart by hearing his voice on phone.
I
asked
him
as
what
was
his
subject
of
research.
---Isotopes and nuclear matter.
---Interesting subject. I always loved to delve into the particle
matter.
---Good, to find an apt student like you. However, Suchismita, being
a mother and working in an Institution will take much of your energy
and time. Are you ready for that?
I never gave a second thought, I was having a lease of life in front of
me, my dreams were about to be fulfilled. I was confident about the
job.
---Yes, sir. I will give my best.
---Think again before you commit. By the way do you have a
passport?
---No, sir. It was not needed.
---You will need it. You may have to travel.
I took a deep breath to fill my heart with the fresh air of life. I saw him
standing behind Dr. Sarkar, smiling at me, as if saying to me See, I
told you to step out.

---I will manage, Sir.
Now
conquer
the
world,
Paree.
---Good, so join from first October. By the way, are you going to
travel daily from your village?
---No sir, I will rent some accommodation near this institute.
I joined as a junior research fellow, in Saha Institute of Nuclear
Physics. I was very happy that day. So happy, that I could not hide my
tears when Dr. Sarkar came to bid me good-bye till the gate.
I stooped down to touch is feet, he blessed me---May God bless you.
You are very tough woman. I have heard everything from Rajat.
I called Maithili to convey the news. I wanted to hear the voice of my

child. He babbled sweetly on the phone.
His sweet babbles brought tears in my eyes---Dont cry, Mamma is
coming to get you.
I hurried to my home, my baby was crying for me and I cried along
with him. He was only three months old and I could not feed him for
six hours. The moment I saw his red face, a huge wave crashed on my
heart. I took him in my lap and hugged him across my chest with all
my strength.
I sobbed out---Your mother had to go. She had no other options.
I moved out within a week. Rajat helped me to find a two-bedroom
apartment. My new address was in Saltlake, very near to my house in
Kolkata yet so far from ChotoMa and Babu. The day I moved out, I
remember Meghna Boudi came to me and she gave a pleading look at
me.
---I am sorry, Paree.
I was unfazed by her words; I clasped my cub in my arms and said to
her---It is ok. No one can go against the nature of the society. I am
happy to get a job in a prestigious institution and I can take care of
myself.
Dushtu was very quiet, I observed his pain same as the day I was
married.
I tried to bring some smile on his face---See; now you have a new
place to visit.
Maithili was very depressed, she came to me and said---Take care, I
am always with you.
She took Abhi from my lap, kissed his chubby cheeks, and sobbed out--Take care of your mom. Dont be a naughty fellow.
I patted her cheeks and controlled my wet eyelids---I have no
grievance with anyone of you.
I looked at my house before boarding the taxi. Once I went away with
my ChotoMa, that day I knew that my house would remain with me
forever. Next time when I went away after demise of my mother, I felt
that I was lost in oblivion. However, on that day, I felt nothing, as I
felt those bricks were not beckoning me. I kissed Titli good-bye; she
looked at me with queer gaze, trying to understand as why her mother
was crying.
A new life started, as a mother and as a junior research fellow. A
place; which was much known to me like my palm. I had to buy all the
furniture and household commodities. I used one room as my bedroom
and in another, I kept as storage room. Lots of money were spent in
that, but I was happy that I was working and had some constant
source of income. My apartment was only few kilometers from my
Institute. I appointed a maid for twelve hours to look after my son
while I was away for my job.
My soul writhed every morning, when I had to dress up, prepare my
lunch and prepare food for my little baby and instruct my maid, Rina,
to take care of my baby. When I kissed his face to bid him good bye, I
felt crying and he would glue with me as if asking me not to go. I had
to cover all my emotions with a huge boulder and shut the door behind
me before walking down the stairs and walk to the bus-stand. I looked
up at the balcony, where my maid used to stand with my Abhi, in her
lap and waving his little hand as if saying me Goodbye Mamma. I will
be waiting eagerly to leap on your lap when you return.
At the beginning, I was unable to concentrate in my works.
Dr. Sarkar apprehended my restlessness and cautioned me--Suchismita, I warned you.
A chill ran down my spine, I fumbled for words---Sir, I am sorry.
He was very compassionate to me---It will take some time. You have
to be strong. I never thought that a single mother would be my
apprentice. I am fortunate to meet such a conspicuous and resolute
lady by my side. May God bless you.
Day by day, I dipped myself in my works. My heart writhed with
thoughts that I was unable to give proper time for Abhi. Every day,
when I returned from my work, I used to clasp him to my chest for
long time. His tiny fingers used to scratch my cheeks. His soft palms
felt awesome on my cold face. At night, when he slept peacefully
beside me, I used to look at his face for hours. Tears use to flow down
my cheeks, most of time. I whispered in his sleepy ears My baby, I
am very sorry. The time when you should be playing in your mothers
lap, your mother toils hard to bring happiness on your cute face.
It was a Sunday in the month of January. I massaged baby oil on Abhi
and was watching TV in the drawing room. He lay on the balcony, in
the sun. Suddenly I heard him huffing, puffing, and making some
sound. I ran down to the balcony to see what happened to him. I was
amazed to see that he had turned on his tummy. His first turn, he
tried to crawl.
I
outstretched
my
arms---Come
on
Abhi,
crawl.
He looked at me with his big eyes and smiled at me with tooth-less

face---Aaaaaa Moreover, he tried to crawl towards me. The sight of
his first crawl and his turn brought tears in my eyes. A moment only a
mother could apprehend the joy when her fawn turns and tries to
crawl towards her lap.
He clasped the mattress in his fist and tried to crawl towards me.
I could not bear the scene of his struggle; his face was red as he was
trying very hard to crawl towards me---Mmmmaaaammmm..
I took him in my lap and showered kisses on his face---Come on,
enough
for
today.
Now
we
have
to
bath.
He nodded his little head---Hmmmm..
I
patted
softly
on
his
chubby
cheeks---Grow
up
quickly.
One night I took out Abhimanyus diary and tried to write something.
Huh! I told to myself how could I write, I dont have the capability
to express my words so aptly like you.
Where are you? Will I ever meet you in this life time? I turned the
pages of his diary and read those lines what he wrote about me when
he first met me. The nights are very cold, Baby prince. I miss you
very much. I need warmth in your arms.
Teesta and Pushpanjali used to visit, my old friends were back again
by my side. Maithili and I used to speak over the phone every other
night.
One night I expressed my desire to organize Annaprashan for my
son. I was a lonely woman so I asked her help. She did not show much
interest in my suggestion and I was very much offended. For next one
week, I stopped talking to her as I was very angry with her. Then on
one Wednesday night, I received an unexpected phone call from
Indrani
Di,
my
eldest
sister,
who
lives
in
Mumbai.
---How are you? I have heard that you have got a job in Saha
Institute of Nuclear Physics.
I was very much surprised and happy to hear her voice after one year--I am fine. How are you all doing?
---I must say, that my little sister has grown up. I feel proud now.
I let out a deep breath It was a time, you used to curse me like
anything. You were the main person who was against my studies and
when your sister has fought alone with the world and stood alone in
battlefield, you have come to gather your accolades that I am your
sister.
---Who told you all these?
---You never called for my help.
It was against my self-esteem to beg in front of others---It was
actually not required. Are you coming to Kolkata?
---I am in Kolkata.
I was very much surprised to hear that. Maithili never informed me
that Indrani Di was in Kolkata. I got angrier with Maithili as why she
did not informed me about Indrani Di.
She asked me---Can you take a day off on Friday?
---Why, is there any occasion in the house?
---Yes, there is. Can you take a day off.
---Ok,
I
will
be
at
my
house
by
morning.
She surprised me again---No, no. You need not come at our place.
Just take a day off.
I was bewildered by her answer, probably she sensed my anxiety and
she
was
laughing
at
the
other
end.
---How is Abhi? I am dying to take my nephew and kiss him.
Next day when I returned from Institute, I was very much surprised to
could not contain myself on finding that all my brothers and sisters
and their families were present in my house. My heart was filled up
with so much of bliss that all came down my cheeks. Indrani Di,
Chandrani Di their husbands, their children and my brothers and my
sister-in-laws.
In that entire crowd, I could not find my son. Probably he was in the
room
as
my
house
was
very
much
crowded.
I gave a queer look at my mischievous sister-in-law, Maithili---What
is all these?
I could not contain myself anymore, when I saw my eldest brother,
Sumanto Da, coming out of my bedroom with Abhi in his lap. He was
smiling at me.
---How can I forget that I have to feed rice to my nephew.
My heart ruptured in utter felicity. I looked all around the house
everyone was smiling at me. I felt as if I was in a dream, I felt the old
naughty sweet Paree to breathe the air of life.
My voice was choked; I asked my Sumanto Da---When did you
return?
---I returned few days earlier and I came to know everything from
Maithili and Subroto. I cursed myself that my little sister has to
undergo such pain in her life. I was insane to leave my life. I tried to
find peace into the unknown world, when I could have found it here in
my home. I searched a lot; I roamed in alleys and mountains for four
years. However, torment did not leave me. I had to come back to my
native place. I went and sat beside the pond and cried alone. Then I
found peace.
Meghna Boudi was very quiet all the time. I deduced form her facial
expression that she was cursing herself to throw me out of the house.
However, I had to leave my native place to do my job. Maithili came to
me and said---Wont you talk to Meghna Boudi? She arranged all of
these and gathered all of us. She counted days, for Abhis Annaprasan.
That was the reason that I kept quiet last week. She wanted to
surprise you.
I gently walked towards her and said---You did all these?
She smiled sweetly at me---How can I forget my son has to take his
rice. It is very important for me.
That was the priceless moment of my life, to have all my brothers and
sisters around me. My two-room apartment was bubbling with crowd
and
noise.
All
those
noise
felt
music
to
my
ears.
Indrani Di was unaware of the fact that I loved Abhimanyu. She was
curious as why I kept my maiden name and why I named my son after
his name. Maithili and Subroto Da only knew the real fact. She was
also curious of the fact that I was living so near to my ChotoMas place
yet I was not living with her.
She smelled something and asked me after dinner---Ulupi Di called
me few days earlier. She was asking about you. You have not contact
her?
Why?
They
loved
you
as
their
own
daughter.
I was unable to tell her the truth. The image of Abhimanyus sniveled
eyes and ChotoMa red face came in front of my wet hazy eyelids.
I grinded my jaws and I answered her---ChotoMa ruined my life.
She looked at my face. I was having pain in my soul and same time I
felt pity on their aged soul.
---Ulupi Di told me everything. She was crying a lot over the phone.
Abhimanyu has not called them in last eight years. She asked me to
bring you back to her.
I was very much surprised to hear that. I lost all the words, my throat
was dry and eyes were wet.
---Do you want to talk to her?
She handed me the mobile and asked me to speak to ChotoMa. I
closed my eyes and pressed the mobile with my ear. From the other
end of the receiver, I could her only long breaths. My ChotoMa was
sobbing and so was I.
I wiped my face and gathered few drops of courage in my writhing
soul to speak up---How are you, ChotoMa?
She wailed on hearing my voice and I could no more control my tears.

---Can I see my grandson?
I simply nodded my head Yes.
Next day, my ChotoMa and Babu arrived. My daze was unable to die
down when I found my friends to arrive also at my place. I was
amazed to find Teesta, Delisha and Pushpanjali. I gave a bewildered
look at them. Teesta smiled at me sweetly, she said---Maithili Di
informed me yesterday night and then I called everyone.
I looked around the house; my heart was beaming with morning

sunrays.
I sneaked inside the restroom and looked at my face. It was creamy
and vibrant again. I cried out softly to my reflected image in the
mirror, I am still alone in this crowd. Where are you? I miss you so
much. See, everyone has come. Yet I am alone. In my happiest
moment of my life, I have to bear the pain that you are not with me.
Please call me once, I just want to hear your voice and then if you say
that have you have your own life to carry on, I will never contact you.
But
for
my
sake,
please
come
to
me
for
once.
Abhis annaprasan was held with much fanfare with close family and
no outsiders. I was happy to see everyone by my side. However,
amongst the crowd of the close knitted family members I felt lonely.
ChotoMa stayed back, I was caught in dilemma over her extended
stay.
In the evening after everyone left, she sat in the drawing with her
grandson in her lap.
She asked me---I want you to come and stay with us.
I smiled at her---ChotoMa, you know everything. Every brick, every
doors and windows, the room in second floor reminds his absence. I
cannot go back, ChotoMa. Here I am contend with my life and my son.
At
least
dont
take
away
my
life
now,
please.
---I dont want to lose you again. I have become very poor after
losing everything I had. I thought that Abhi would call me after he
returned
to
India
but
he
never
called.
---He never called me also. When he returned I was pregnant and I
was someones wife. Therefore, he never contacted me.
Tears and pain were flowing our bleeding hearts; both of us lost the
most beloved person we had. One lost her son; another lost her
heartthrob. Yet I restrained myself from returning to my house.
Months rolled on after that. I was engrossed totally in my work and
house chores. Looking after Abhi, who was then started walking all
around the house. My son completed his first year and few weeks later
I completed thirty-third year on this mother earth. It was a lonely
voyage of life for me after all. I knew that on the drop of my word I
would find my relatives to throng around me, but I was skeptical about
how long they would look after me and how long I could sustain in this
cruel world alone.
It was hard for a single woman to live in a male chauvinistic society. I
could feel lewd eyes hovering over me all the time. The neighborhood
knew that I lived alone with my baby. Although I kept to myself, still I
felt some of the neighbours to shower unwanted praises and help to
get closer to me. I used to dress very simple mostly in saree and
seldom in salwars. My cupboard was filled up with sarees and salwars
only.
One day Dr. Sarkar said to me---Suchismita, you need to grace
yourself up. Come out of your past and show the world who you can
be.
I was unable to fathom as what he meant to say---What do you mean
Sir?
---Change your attire, grace yourself elegantly and powerfully. You
will find a new lease of life flowing in your veins. Those unwanted
piercing
eyes
wont
haunt
you
anymore.
I was surprised to hear him say those---But Sir how do you know?
---Remember
I
told
you
that
I
miss
my
grandson.
---Yes sir, I remember. Your daughter lives in States.
---She is divorcee and she knows how to take care of herself. As a
father, I know the pain of a single daughter who is having a child. So
be like a lioness and fight the world. May be next year you have to
travel abroad for giving lecture or attend some convention. Do you
think you will go in salwars and saree?
On hearing his words, I felt as if someone is blowing courage in my
soul.
I took out the diamond ring that Sumanto Da presented me and wear
that on my ring finger so as to deceive the lewd piercing eyes that I
was married. I trimmed my long hair, which he fascinated most, to my
shoulder length. I started to work out to shape myself up. I changed
my dressing sense to more elegant sarees and suits instead of
salwars. I lost few pounds.
After few months, I felt that I was having problem with my vision and
I went for check up. I got specs and my whole personality started to
change day by day. Every morning, I looked myself in the mirror; I
observed a new woman was coming out.
One night after dinner, I was feeding Abhi. The new moon was
hanging on the deep blue curtain overhead. The crescent peeped
behind the trees of the park in front of my apartment. Suddenly he
pointed out to the crescent and said his first meaningful word---Tola
(Banana.)
I was very much surprised to hear banana from his rosy lips.
I asked him---Where is the banana?
He babbled again---Banana.
I looked to the crescent, yes, he was true, and the crescent looked like
a silver banana hanging from the Prussian curtain of night sky. Stars
were twinkling around the crescent. His sweet word felt music to my
ears. I smiled at him and my eyes went hazy in affection.
---You want that?
He
gently
nodded
his
head
while
munching
rice.
I rubbed his nose over mine---Mamma will bring you the moon
someday.
A year rolled over with no much of ripples in my life. Abhi started to
walk all around the house. His nonstop babbles use to be music to my
ears as most of the time I had to work so I showered all my love on
him whatever time I spent with him.
My Abhi was growing up and he was becoming mischievous day by
day. At times, he used to walk into kitchen, pulled the tumbler down,
and spill water on the floor. At times, he used to walk to my dressing
table and eat up my lipstick or smear the colour all over his face.
I felt deep in my heart that ChotoMa missed me very much. She used
to call me every week to know about Abhi. Her words made me feel
that she was missing Abhimanyu also.
Few months after my thirty-fourth birthday, during Durga Puja, I
gathered myself up. On one fine morning of Dashami, I graced myself
elegantly in a beautiful turquoise silk saree and looked myself in the
mirror. I felt that I was a decade younger. I took my son in my lap and
looked into my reflection.
I smiled at him and said---Mamma is looking beautiful.
He
babbled
sweetly
and
nodded
his
head---Yeth.
I showered several kisses on his cheek and clasped my cub across my
chest. I was about to start for ChotoMas house after a long time when
my sight fell on the Optics Notebook lying on my bed. The autumn
wind suddenly blew few pages and the sound of the flutter of the
crinkly pages pulled my feet inside the door. Should I go or not? I am
also a mother of a son, someday my Abhimanyu will grow up and fly
away, leaving me alone in this world I was caught in a dilemma again
and that made me retrace my steps back to my house. For the first
time in several years I tried to go back but the sound of the pages of
his diary reminded me that my ChotoMa was responsible for my
miseries. I could not step out to visit my ChotoMas place.
I spent my nights alone in my bed, clasping Abhi to my chest and
reading his diary numerous times. I kept the diary always with me in
my laptop bag, as if it was my Bible, Koran and Gita. The pains
subdued with time and I felt those colourful thoughts as a dream that I
relished every night. One night I was reading his words and I felt to
write something about my sweet cub. My first poem about my cub
came from the abyss of my heart in from of love and scratches.
***********************
Papri patar thoonth ti mele, adu adu chokhye;
Ma bole oii daklo uthye, book ti gelo kenpye |
Adul gaye tutupiye amar dike chaii;
Bolchye jeno Ma amake kole nite aii |
Bikel holyee bairee dekhaii, ghurtee ami jabo,
Altoo kore bole amai, bhujtee paro nako?
Boli ami jachii baba, ektu sobur kor,
Thopash kore galee amar lagiye dilo chor |
Mishti hather porosh peye chokhyee ello jol,
Jol dekhe oii kandlo shone, book kore chol chol |
Kandle jeno, gaaner shure vashai ami tori,
Toor jonyo megher opor prashad ami gori ||
***********************
End of Part - 3
Chapter 1: The Final Call (#1)
Part 4: Genesis
Chapter 1: The Final call
On the first week of February, Dr. Sarkar informed me about a
convention
and
I
had
to
travel
to
France.
---Suchismita, a physics convention is going to be held in April at

Bordeaux. You have to accompany with me. It will be good for your
career if you attend that convention.
I asked him---Where is that place?
---France. You have got your passport ready. Institute will arrange for
the visa and other formalities.
---But Sir, my son is too young. I cant leave him behind.
---The decision is up to you Suchismita. By the way, you can bring
your son along with you. It will be a great opportunity for you if you
attend that convention.
I gave astute look at Dr. Sarkar---I need some time, Sir. You have
put me in dilemma.
---I have already sent your recommendation to them. If everything
falls into place then you can get a chance to pursue your further
research in Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux.
I could not believe my ears, when he said that he recommended my
name to an International institute. I never dreamt in my entire life
that I would go outside India. However, it was happening to me. I sat
on my chair with my head between my palms. I was unable to think of
anything except my son and my life. My eyes were hazy as I never
thought in my entire life that such an opportunity would ever knock
my door, door of such a doomed lady who shed tears throughout her
whole life.
---Give a try. Bring your son along with you. I will ask my peer over
there to arrange a babysitter for few days who will look after your
son.
My voice was choked and my chest rippled. I imagined my son, Abhi,
who was waiting for my return---I am unable to decide whether to go
forward with your recommendation or just attend the convention.
---Take your time, Suchismita. I am sure; you will make a wise
decision. You are matured and intelligent enough to make your own
decision.
I returned to my apartment and looked at Abhi who was playing with
the maid. I looked around the house and sat on my bed. Abhi came
running at me and leapt on my lap. I took him in my arms and felt
This is my world, what more do I want? My life is centered around
you, your sweet babbles, your frolic nature, your naughty smile. I
would like to see you grow up.
My sight turned hazy with the thought Will you never come to me? I
seek solace in your arms, Abhimanyu. I feel very lonely today and I
need your help to take my decision.
I walked into the restroom and looked at my confound image in the
mirror. I tried to look whether he was around me to show me path or
not. I was in sheer dilemma What should I do? Should I take the
opportunity and be a careerist woman? Leave India and go abroad?
Leave everything behind and walk into a new horizon. If I stay in
Kolkata and near to my ChotoMas house, Abhimanyus reminiscences

will haunt me forever. All those, I want to keep only in the diary but
every time I walk out of my apartment, I feel him walking beside me.
As if asking why I did not wait?
Abhi fell asleep on my lap. I gently kissed his forehead and ruffled his
silky hair. Rubbed my nose on his cheeks, took a deep breath to fill my
lungs with his baby fragrance. My heart filled up with courage but
same time I was skeptical about my life ahead I dont want to lose
any of my precious. My son, Abhimanyu and my Thiefs diary. I know
you will show me the right boulevard on which I should walk.
It was dead night; I picked up the diary and pressed it on my chest. I
sobbed out softly Please show me the path, whether I have made a
right decision or not? Please. You told me to join Saha Institute of
Nuclear Physics. I joined. Now, why dont you come and speak. I had
blind faith on you and you took me to a total unknown place on our
first outing. The only thing I knew that you were there to take care of
me. Please tell me whether I am doing right or wrong. Please, Abhi.
I wailed and wailed for whole night. My eyes turned sore but he did
not answer my pleas. I wiped my tears, my face burnt in angst and
pain that Abhimanyu did not came for my rescue. I walked to the
bathroom and stood under the shower at two oclock in the morning. I
tried to douse all my pain and anger in that cold running shower and
said to myself Ok, be it. Therefore, you are not with me. You were not
there when I needed you most. I dont need you anymore; I will take
my
final
step
alone
and
walk
away
with
my
son.
I could not sleep, for the whole night. I kept tossing and turning in the
bed
while
my
fawn
slept
peacefully
beside
me.
I called Dr. Sarkar early morning and conveyed my decision that I
would take the opportunity to travel with him and if I were selected
then I would pursue my research at Centre Etudes Nucleaires de
Bordeaux.
---I will go, Sir and if selected I will pursue my further research in
France.
From his voice, I fathomed that he was expecting my call---I knew
that you are intelligent and you would make a wise decision. We will
discuss about the papers and travel in details in a day or two. You can
take
a
day
off.
I
am
happy
with
your
decision.
I sat cowered on the sofa, the TV was on, some news channel was on
but none of the images were going through my head. I was dipped in
my thoughts whether my decision was right or wrong. Abhi woke up
and his cries broke my trance. I ran towards the bedroom and took
him in my lap.
I cuddled him close to my heart---Why are you crying?
---Maaammmmmaaa
..
---We will go to a new place, baby. A total new place, only you and
me. No diary, no Kolkata. Nothing.
In the noon, I called Maithili and told her about my decision to leave
India.
She was dumbfounded on hearing me---What are you saying?

I nodded my head and spoke calmly to her---Yes, I am going to
France. If everything goes well then I will go away forever.
She was unable to believe as what I was saying to her---What about
your life, here?
I took a deep breath to ease my emotions and tension---My life is
around my son. I have waited too long for happiness and success. I
have walked all alone in every step of my life, except those seven
months he was with me. I want to take a detour of my life and come
out of the diary.
She
was
quiet
on
the
other
end.
---I could not sleep last night. I cried and cried, I pleaded to him to
show me the way but he did not answered. Why should I keep the
diary and stay back here? He will not return for me, so I need to carry
on with my life.
---How
could
you
take
such
a
decision,
Paree?
I sobbed by looking at Abhi; he was playing beside me with his small
airplane in his little hands. His gave a queer look on finding my tears
rolling down my cheeks. He came near me and with soft palms, wiped
my tears.
I took him on my lap and cuddled him across my chest; on the other
hand, I pressed the phone with my ear. My voice choked---Who took
the decision of my life? It was my mom and dad. Who took the
decision that I would be separated from my love? ChotoMa did. Who
took the decision to get me married against my wish? ChotoMa did.
Who took the decision of my miserable life? Himadri did.
I squealed at her on the phone---Where was my choice, Churni? Tell
me.
She lost her voice on the other end---It was all fate, Paree.
---If those were fate, then this is also fate, Churni. This time, I am
taking the final call. This time I will pick my path to walk. No one else.
---Have
you
called
Ulupi
Di,
your
ChotoMa?
---No, I have not informed anyone. I will call ChotoMa once I pack my
bags and my visa arrives. I dont want her tears to be a hindrance in
my resolution.
---Your subconscious mind is saying that you might trace back. Then
why are you going away?
---If I stay in Kolkata, I may not live my life peacefully. For last ten
years, I have not slept properly, Churni. I want to sleep peacefully. A
new place, a new horizon. I want to sleep peacefully, Churni.
---When are you going?
---In second week of April.
---You will visit us, right.
---Yes, I will visit my home before leaving. Dont worry.
---I hope, everything goes well. Best wishes from my side.
After few days, Dr. Sarkar handed me the invitation that arrived from
Centre Etudes Nucleaires de Bordeaux. I looked at the invitation and
smiled at Dr. Sarkar.
---You are happy.
I nodded my head---Yes actually I did not know whether I was
happy or not, whether my decision was a result of my angst and pain.
He told me that our flight would be from New Delhi as there was no
direct flight from Kolkata to Bordeaux.
---We will have a video conference tomorrow with head of
department, Dr. Gringolet Pelletier. He wants to have some words with
you.
My heart was racing like a wild horse, a gush of blood flooded on my
face. I shook and became very nervous. I gave a sharp look through
my glasses to Dr. Sarkar.
---Why are you shaking like that Suchismita? Dont be nervous,
everything will be all right.
I was so nervous that I gulped down a whole glass of water lying on
his table.
---No Sir, I cant do that.
He asked me to take a deep breath and concentrate on my work.
I walked out of his cabin and sat quietly in my cabin. I rested my head
on the table and turbulent waves crashed on my chest. Vision of my
mom, Parvati Boudi and Abhimanyu came in front of my eyes. As if
they were asking me Are you really going to leave?
Yes I am. You were the ones whom I loved most in this world and you
all left me. I want to leave behind all those dark clouds and walk
towards a new horizon
God
bless
you.
my
mom
whispered
in
my
ears.
Next day morning, I wore a cream coloured cotton saree with think
dark green border and a green blouse to match the colour of saree.
Graced myself elegantly, a small green dot between my dark trimmed
eyebrows. I tied a thin gold chain around my neck with a nice gold
pendant. I graced my earlobes with the same pearl eardrops I dropped
on his bed, the night he touched me for the last time. The diamond
ring twinkled on my left ring finger. I did not apply much of makeup of
my face, kept my composure simple and graceful. My tresses were
already trimmed; I let it flow over my shoulder. I looked myself in the
mirror and looked at Abhi. He gave me a naughty smile and clasped
my legs.
---What are you seeing?
He pointed his little finger to my face. I took him in my arms and
kissed his cheek---Do I look good?
He
gently
nodded
his
head
and
kissed
my
cheek.
---Today, it is a great day for me. Wont you wish you mom.
He looked at my face; I never dressed so gracefully after his birth.
He gave a queer look and babbled sweetly---I will go. He thought
that
I
was
going
out
for
a
trip
without
him.
My heart cried out---Not today dear. We will go to a new place
shortly.
He started crying and I could not control my tears as well. It felt as of
someone has tore off a pound of flesh from my bleeding chest. I called
my maid and handed her Abhi forcefully. I wiped the corner of my
eyes,
closed
the
door
behind
me,
and
walked
out.
Dr. Sarkar saw me and smiled at me---A true Bengali lady.
The video conference started. Dr. Sarkar, my mentor sat beside me. I
sat in front of the screen with mike in front of me and the screen
flashed. Dr. Pelletier was in front of me. I joined my palms to express
my regards. He constricted his brows; he was not used to such
gestures. He was a French person.
Dr. Sarkar nudged me---What are you doing?
I smiled and whispered to him---Sir, by heart I am Bengali and we
pay courtesy by joining our hands.
He gently nodded his head---You are simply a great lady, Suchismita.
I have travelled most countries, gave lectures in numerous Universities
but never found a lady like you.
The questionnaires went well and I was able to satisfy Dr. Pelletier and
Dr.
Sarkar
with
my
answers
and
research
papers.
Dr. Pelletier said to me---Miss. Suchismita Mondal, we would like to
hear you at our convention. We can discuss in length and breadth once
you arrive Bordeaux. By the way, a beautiful river runs through our
city. She will be happy to find a lady who lives in a bank of another
beautiful river.
We all laughed at his sudden antics as the questionnaires and
discussion left the ambience very tensed for me. Even in the brisk AC,
I had sweat beads on my forehead. Dr. Sarkar asked me to wait in my
cabin.
I
called
my
apartment
to
speak
to
my
son.
His sweet voice echoed in my eardrums---Mamma, come home.
---I come coming, sweetheart. We will go for shopping and new dress
for you.
He asked in jejune tone---Happy birthday Mamma?
I bit my lower lips on hearing his sweet query---Yes, sweetheart, we
will celebrate your happy birthday.
I asked my maid whether he has taken his food or not. She said that
he cried for long time after I came to Institute. I pressed my ears Oh!
No what have I done.
Dr. Sarkar came in my cabin and saw that my face was red and
eyelashes were soaked.
---Felling
bad,
that
you
have
to
leave
Kolkata?
I
wiped
my
eyes
and
said---Missing
my
son.
---Hmm! That is a domain of mother; I do not want to intervene. By
the way, congratulation Dr. Pelletier is satisfied with your works. You
will get your appointment letter once you reach Bordeaux. You have to
return within a week and then you will have to apply for work visa for
France. It wont be a problem.
He then smiled painfully---Alas, I will have to search for a new
apprentice. I will miss you very much, my child.
On the way home, I brought ice cream for Abhi and a soft toy, a teddy
bear. He loved ice-creams very much. On reaching home, I found
Abhis eyes were sore, he was angry upon me. He wailed upon seeing
me at the door and jumped on my lap. I showered millions of kisses on
his sweet face and gave him the ice cream. He sat on my lap and
started
to
lick
the
ice
cream
from
my
hand.
I asked him---Like it?
He nodded his head, his lips were covered with vanilla creams.
---Want to go shipping new dress?
---Yes, Sweet Heart; happy birthday.
---Mamma, Titli?
I
nodded
---Papri Didi?
yes
she
will
come.
---Yes.
How ignorant was he that no one would be present at his birthday. His
birthday would be celebrated on foreign soil with no known face
around him to cheer him up.
Getting Visa from French consulate was not a problem as the invitation
letter
was
from
a
prestigious
institution
of
France.
I informed Teesta and Kalyani about my trip to France and said that I
was leaving India to continue my advanced research in Centre Etudes
Nucleaires de Bordeaux. They were very much surprised by my sudden
decision of leaving India and leaving them. I gave them the same
answer that I gave to Maithili. They were not satisfied by my answer;
however, their pleas did not deter me to trace back the path I was
already walking on.
I started my shopping and packing my bags. The most important thing
that I packed was the optics notebook in my laptop bag. I was asked
to pack few woolens and blazers, as I would be travelling to higher
northern latitude. I was busy in shopping western outfits so that I
could acclimatize myself in the French soil. However, I did not forget
to pack my sarees and my ornaments. I bought new dresses for
Abhimanyu also. I went to Raymonds shop in Ultadanga to stitch a
white suit for myself and a pair of blazers for Abhi. After all, he was
the apple of my eye so how can he be left behind if his mother can
wear such expensive suits. Abhi was very happy to find new dresses
everyday and he always gave me a satisfied look whenever I told him
that we would be going for trip. It was the first time I was taking Abhi
out of Kolkata. His mothers bad-luck that she could not take him in
any trip. I was happy to see smile on my sons face.
Maithili did not call for a week; I knew she was very much
disappointed by my decision. I also not called ChotoMa yet to divulge
my intention yet. I did not know what would be her reaction upon
hearing that I was leaving India forever. The only fact I knew that she
would lament, as she really loved me a lot, but her love took away
what I loved most in this world.
Once everything was packed, I visited my native place for one last
time before leaving India forever. I knew that, next time when I would
come back I would find the whole place had changed. Titli and Papri
were very happy to see Abhi. I returned within two days from my
native village. On the last evening, I took my son, Abhimanyu in my
lap
and
walked
towards
the
backyard.
I asked him---Take a hand full of earth and join your hands to this
mango tree. When no one will bless you, call this mango tree, he will
surely answer your call.
While saying those words, I also felt the same what I told to him. My
son was too small to understand my words but he understood
something when he saw tears in my eyes.
I handed a bunch of spare keys to Maithili---Look after my apartment.
I will be back within a week.
She was again astonished on hearing that I was going to comeback. I
explained her that I had to apply for work visa as I was then going
only
in
tourist
visa
to
attend
convention.
---So
you
are
not
going
to
visit
us
that
time.
---Probably no, as I might not have much time at my disposal.
---So what do I do with the keys?
---Sell everything I had in that apartment and whatever money you
get make a fixed deposit for my daughter Titli. As you know most of
my wealth has been spent in these years so I dont have much left to
present you.
I looked at the crying faces of all my brothers and sister.
She hugged me for one last time and whispered in my ears---I hate
you. Leave and do not come back. She took Titli from me and handed
me Abhi.
Her voice was choking, she chewed her last words---Our world is
really different, Paree. I hate you.
Everyone
bid
me
goodbye
with
sniveled
eyes.
My tickets arrived on first week of April. Return was via Mumbai.

One evening I called ChotoMa to inform her that I was going to
Bordeaux,
France
for
my
advanced
research
and
job.
How are you ChotoMa? After a long time I was talking to her.
She
asked
about
my
son---How
is
my
grandson?
---He is growing up and getting naughtier day by day.
---Why dont you come to your house this weekend, Paree?

I took a deep breath to break the news to her---I am going to France,
ChotoMa.
She paused for a little and said---Where? I was sure that she was
unable to believe that her little Paree was leaving her.
---I have got an offer in a Nuclear Institute in Bordeaux, France,
ChotoMa.
She wailed---No, I wont be able to see my grandson. You cant take
him away from me Paree.
My eyes were soaked I controlled my tears and bit my lower lips---I
am going this Saturday, ChotoMa.
She cried out on the phone---Dont take my grandson away, Paree.
Please.
I wiped my eyes but it was not worth as I was unable to see anything
with my flooding eyes.
---I cant step in that house ChotoMa. I am sorry. I will see you at the
airport. My flight to New Delhi is at the evening. My flight to Bordeaux
is at late night from New Delhi.
---So big price I had to pay?
---I have also paid a very big price, ChotoMa. Who was responsible? I
do not want to go in any discussion now, ChotoMa.
She said her last words and kept the phone---I loved you Paree as my
own daughter. All I ever wanted to see smile on your face. May be
that, I asked too much from God that He has punished me so bitterly.
I cried out---Ma, I love you very much. However, by then she had
kept the phone. She did not wait to her what I said to her. I could not
sleep
that
night,
I
cried
for
the
whole
night.
On the fateful Saturday, April second week. Abhimanyu, my son was
very happy that he was going for a trip with his mother. He played
with the suitcases as if they were his cars. I packed few of his soft toys
in a suitcase.
In the afternoon, I started to get ready for airport. I wore a blue jeans
and a white shirt with blue pinstripes. I tied a scarf around my neck
and looked myself in the mirror. I tied an omega wristwatch around
my thin white wrist that Dr. Sarkar presented me few days ago as a
memento. The diamond ring was still on my left ring finger. I wore the
same gold chain that ChotoMa presented me. The old Paree was
nowhere in the reflection. A very new Suchismita Mondal was smiling
at me. I dressed Abhi in a brown pant and a red high neck vest. In one
small bag, I packed his jacket and my blazer so that I could wear that
before getting in the international flight.
I arrived with my luggage and my son at the airport few hours before
the
departure,
as
I
would
meet
ChotoMa
there.
I saw that Teesta and Debobroto were also there along with ChotoMa
and Babu. I was surprised to find Maithili and SubrotoDa along with
Titli to be present.
Abhi was very naughty so he ran and leapt on ChotoMas lap. She
clasped him as if someone was tearing off her heart away. She
showered him with lots of kisses and her eyes were flooding.
Teesta and Maithili were bewildered to find me in that dress.
They never saw me in jeans. I smiled at them and asked---How do I
look?
Maithili smiled painfully at me---You have still your antics up the
sleeve in this time?
I gave a sweet smile at her---After a long time I found myself again.
ChotoMa came near me and placed her palms on my head---When do
I see you next?
I bent down to touch her feet to take her blessings---I dont know
ChotoMa.
---Look after yourself and take care of my grandson.
She handed me a tiffin box and said---I have prepared some coconut
balls for my grandson, please feed him.
I could not look into her eyes, my heart ruptured while hearing those
words.
I gently nodded my head---Yes. You and Babu take care of yourself.
Babu came to me and said---ShonaMa the word I was dying to
hear from his lips. I threw my arms around him and cried like a child.
He gently rubbed my head with his palm and said---I am proud of
you. Go live your life. If anytime you feel that there are two old
persons waiting for you, then give a call. If you can, then forgive us.
I was unable to say anything my tears soaked his shirt. ChotoMa also
hugged me along with Abhi.
On seeing everyone crying, my son, Abhi also started crying. ChotoMa
went weak in pain, she clasped him across her chest---Be a good boy
to your mother. She has seen lots of dark days in her life. Do not be
naughty. Ok
What he understood was a question but he gently nodded his head and
kissed ChotoMa on her cheeks.
Somehow, I had to tear off Abhimanyu from ChotoMas lap as I was
getting late for my flight. Several pairs of sniveled eyes were looking
at us as we passed the security check at Kolkata Airport.
The flight took off at last. I pulled Abhi on my lap; he looked in my
tearful eyes and wiped my cheeks. His touch made me go weaker and
I pressed my lips on his forehead.
A final call ringed in my heart and soul A girl, a nave village girl who
studied in a college in a small town, came to a big city, which she
never dreamt of. She studied in an esteemed college, she never
dreamt of. She lost herself and her love in oblivion, she never dreamt
of. She pulled herself from the dungeon and worked in a prestigious
physics institute of India, she never dreamt of. She was going to
another esteemed international institution, she never dreamt of.
Chapter 2: Impromptu Alluvion (#1)
Chapter 2: Impromptu Alluvion

The moment, the flight touched New Delhi airport, I felt a jolt in my
chest along with the jolt that the aeroplane had. I looked out of the
window trying to search for my love, in vain. How stupid I laughed at
myself. How come you will be there in the airport? You do not know
even that I am coming. A spine-chilling shiver ran through my slender
frame by the mere thought that once I came with him at this airport.
That journey was full of bliss and ecstasy. He found his best friend,
Aruna, from losing her in oblivion. That was a beautiful trip where we
found ourselves in the midst of high mountains and regained our love.
My son, looked out of the window and babbled in my ears---Aeloplane
mammaa
---Yes Honey.
---Lights, mamma.
I nodded as the airplane came to a halt. The new terminal was a
swanky one, very different from the old terminal where I came a
decade ago with him.
As soon as the door opened, we stepped out and Abhi started to run
through the aerobridge.
I screamed at him---You naughty boy, dont run like that.
His face was beaming with sheer bliss, as that was his first time he
was
out
with
his
mother,
going
for
a
trip.
He gave a mischievous look at me and leapt on my lap---Mamma
askeem
I scolded him---No ice-cream at this point of time, Abhi.
He rubbed his small nose on mine, threw his small arms around my
neck
and
gave
a
pleading
smile---Mamma
askeem.
---Ok, I will give you ice-cream if you dont run like that. You are a
good boy, right?
He nodded his head like a sapling swaying in cool breeze Yes.
My flight to Bordeaux was at half past one, we had to wait for long
hours in the lounge. I collected my baggage and walked towards the
departure terminal. Abhi was walking beside me. I handed him his
teddy bear, he clasped in with his arms and smiled sweetly at me.
I looked at the swanky T3 terminal, full of vibrant lights very different
from the older one. I looked around to find some place to seat.
I found a place to seat and took out my laptop. I wanted to show my
son the places we went a decade ago. I searched for some images of
Kaza
and
those
snow
peaked
mountains.
Abhi was looking at the screen wide his eyes wide opened; he never
saw such mountains in his life, in neither picture nor real.
My old memoirs of that trip came flooding in front of my eyes You are
a hell of a traveler; you could only find such place and take your
damsel
to
such
dangerously
beautiful
places.
Abhi babbled sweetly at me---Mamma askeem mountain?
I laughed on hearing him say those snow peaked mountain---Yes
honey, ice-cream Mountain.
---We
will
someday
goto
these
hills,
okay
honey?
Very sweetly, he nodded his head; I took him on my lap and closed
my laptop.
I had to make a call to Dr. Sarkar as he came to New Delhi a day
before. I came to know that he was on the way to the airport, he
asked me to get my boarding pass and go for immigration. He would
join me later on. As there was no proper lounge before checking in, so
I checked-in. The immigration formalities were completed without any
hassle.
I
saw
Dr.
Sarkar
after
sometime.
He looked at me and smiled---Today you are looking very different,
Suchismita. He pointed to Abhi and asked him---How are you?
My fawn gently nodded his head, hiding behind me. I asked him--You are so naughty at home, what happened to you now?
He clasped my leg with one arm and his teddy with the other--Askeem
We both laughed at him. Dr. Sarkar asked me whether I was hungry
or not. We finished the dinner in one of the cafeteria. I told Dr. Sarkar
that I had to make a call.
I had to call Maithili that I have arrived New Delhi safely. It was
already thirty minutes past ten.
---Hey, Churni have you slept?
---No, I was waiting for your call. How is Abhi doing?
I looked at him, as usual, he was watching the aeroplanes from the
huge glass panes, and was showing those aeroplanes to his teddy on
his lap.
---Naughty and doing mischief as usual. Titli has slept?
---Yes, she is sleeping. How do you feel?
I dont know. I am still in a dream I was really in a dream. I feel
ripples inside my heart, Churni. Last time he called you, he called from
New Delhi?
---You cant forget him?
I whispered on the phone---I want those reminiscences as some
colourful dreams of my life.
She bid me goodbye with choked voice.
I asked Dr. Sarkar that could we go towards the departure gate or not.
My filial was feeling sleepy. I took him in my lap and he rested his
head on my shoulder. I started to walk along with Dr. Sarkar towards
the gate. The flight was at half past one from. We had a couple of
hours left for boarding. I thought to make a call to ChotoMa also but
by then they were in bed so I did not make that call.
As I sat with Abhi on my, on the chair, he woke up. I was feeling cold
due to the chilled AC in the terminal so I took out my blazer and wore
that and made Abhi wear his jacket. Abhi leapt from my lap and
started his antics. For the first time he saw the moving escalator on
the terminal. He was running here and there. I sat on the chair and
was enjoying his juvenile actions.
My son was having a great time, but I was afraid as he was running
near
the
moving
escalator
pavement.
I shouted at him---Abhimanyu, dont run like that you will fall down.
My mischievous son gave me a naughty look and started to run away
from me. I stood up and walked towards him and he ran away further
from me. I was smiling by beholding his jejune actions. He ran near
the moving pavement.
I
pleaded
him
sweetly---Abhi
dont
go
there
baby.
I outstretched my arms to beckon him on my lap. He gave a sweet
smile at me and ran towards me. He leapt of my lap and I clasped him
and kissed his cheeks. He threw his arms around my neck and kissed
my lips.
I was looking at his face; he was looking to somewhere else over my
shoulder. He waved to someone. That was against his nature to wave
to some unknown person, as he was a shy kid. I was bit astonished as
to whom he was waving his little hand.
I whispered in his ears---Found any new friend, sweetheart? He
nodded his head and pointed to someone over my shoulder.
I turned to find out as who was the person. I looked at the person and
I was turned into stone. A huge bolt strokes me there. My feet were
pinned with the floor. I was unable to believe my eyes that the person
of my dream was standing in front of me, mere few meters away and
was looking at me with a bewildered face. My heart, my love, my thief
who stole me from myself a decade ago was standing in front of me,
looking at me and my cub with affliction smeared on his face and
agony in his eyes. My thief was unable to move a single muscle. He
was not moving. The boy who kissed me, the thief who promised me
to build a house in the mountains, the unicorn was standing in front of
me. My baby prince, who freed me from my cage and took me to
mountains, I gave him everything I had, my heart, my soul and
wanted to associate my life with him. A tiny drop of my blood still runs
through his veins. Has he forgotten all those days and nights we lived
once.
A series of waves started to rise from the abyss of my heart and
crashed repeatedly on the shore of my soul, shattering everything I
had in my life. My chest was filled up with huge void; I clasped Abhi
tightly across my chest to control my flooding emotions. I forgot to
breathe, I forgot to blink, and I forgot that I was standing in an
airport.
My soul stirred after few seconds and large drops of tears started to
roll down my eyes. A huge flood rose from the depth and washed all
the dark days from my heart. The core of my heart opened which was
carrying his memoirs of my Baby Prince. Where were you all this
time? I wanted you so badly in my life. You returned but returned too
late. You never contacted after that. I waited for you. Several
thousand of sleepless nights have passed. I kept on tossing on the bed
to reach out to your arms. You were not there. See, what you have
done to me. Your old sweet EVE is standing in front of you, baby
prince.
I tried to reach out to him but I stood motionless with sudden sight of
him that made me numb in shock and excitement. I could not move a
single muscle of my body except looking at his face. My heart filled up
with ecstasy in that split of second that I was able to behold you.
My heart was shattered with a query How are you? You are looking bit
older. Few gray hair and moustache. Your specs have changed. Are
you again leaving India, leaving your life behind like me?
He jabbed in his inner pocket probably to take out his mobile or
something. I clasped my son tightly and bit my lower lips to control
my flooding eyes.
I shouted, as he turned towards the gate Abhimanyu, please dont
leave me. I want to talk to you. What about the promise you made?
You promised me that you will take to mountains, paint my picture
and build a house in the mountains. What about the promise that we
will read out the diary when we get old? What about the promise that
we will swing together in front of the hut that you are going to build
for me? Have you forgotten all those promise you made to me? You
can not leave me like this, Baby Prince. No. I waited too long for this
day. Not a single word came out of my throat, as I was turned into an
effigy of stone in sheer trance.
He nodded his head, gave a painful smile at me, and walked toward
the departure gate. The sight of him, shattered my whole torso and I
shook violently after he already passed through the gate.
I ran towards the gate with my son in my lap and asked the gate
attendant---Where is this flight going?
---Kuala Lumpur, Madam
I forgot that I was in an airport terminal. My knees went weak and I
sat on the chair with a thud and wailed out softly, clasping my son. My
head was spinning, I wailed out from the depth of my bleeding soul
You cant leave me Abhimanyu. You cannot leave me. Please do not
go. I love you. For once just, come back and tell me what was my
fault, why the whole world punished me like that. Please come back.
My eyes were thirsty to get a glimpse of your face for so long. I was
thirsty to hear your voice. How could you leave me like that, without
even speaking a single word to me? Abhimanyu. You cannot leave me.
I will die now. Once again I will lose myself.
My son gave a bewildered look at my face, he never saw his mother
crying so profusely. I was shaking, waves after waves crashed all over
me. I sat there, cursing myself.
My pains grew stronger with each passing second when the door of the
aerobridge closed in front of my eyes. I was not allowed to go through
the aerobridge. I sat there still, unable to move for about an hour.
I looked at Abhi with my flooded my, his face was red, he was about to
burst into tears on seeing his mother has flooded eyes.
I took his face, he threw the teddy on the floor and threw his arms
around my neck and cooed in my ears---Mamma dont cry.
I shook my head and wiped my eyes and face---No honey, I will not
cry.
I touched his forehead with my lips---I will not cry, my sweet heart.
Let us go. This is not the place we should live.
Dr. Sarkar came searching for me. He saw my read face and flooded
eyes. He was astonished to find my face was having contours of pain
and aggravation.
---What happened to you, Suchismita? Are you all right?
No, I am not alright. How can I be alright when he left me crying
again?
I
looked
at
him
with
agonized
eyes.
He
sat
beside
me---What
happened,
Suchismita?
I lied to him---Nothing Sir, just feeling pain that I am leaving India
forever.
He took Abhi, on his lap and said to me---Let us move, board the
plane.
I wiped my eyes, looked at the closed door of the aerobridge from
where my Heartthrob just passed. I knew that I had lost him in the
crowd of this world. I knew that I would not get him; he would not find
the truth that I was a widow then.
I pulled myself somehow and staggered to my aerobridge with heavy
heart. The flight took off from New Delhi. I rested my head on the
backrest of the seat. Abhi slept in my arms. The ripples inside my
chest were not dying, with the jolt of the flight, the ripples grew
stronger and the tears started to flow down flooding my cheeks and
chest.
Those fifteen hours of my life were the shortest fifteen hours of my
life. The past decade came in front of my sniveled eyes.
The day we first met, he kissed my forehead and I sat in that bus as if
a bolt strokes me.
The night we sat under the mango tree and he kissed my face all over,
before we had to part. The first pain of ripped my soul.
The anxious wait at Kalka station, he was to take me to a trip to total
unknown horizon where we both were new and for the first time I was
alone. I had faith in him.
The first fight of our life we had that night, the bitter fight in midst of
beautiful wilderness.
The beautiful morning, we melted in each others arms, our bodies and
soul entwined and glued ourselves forever.
My tiny present, he sucked my blood from my index finger. I had then

only that present to give him. He cried and we lost ourselves again.
The day he left, I looked from the window of the drawing room. He
looked up to the window for one last time and then his taxi went away
in the dark. I fainted.
My first day at the college; first day at presidency. Completing Masters
in Physics.
I waited for his call or news but that never arrived, because ChotoMa
and Babu burnt all his letters.
My Parvati Boudi died, I hankered for solace in his arms but he was
not there because he never came to knew about that news.
My mothers demise, he wanted to ask for my hand from my mother
who understood our love and gave consent that we could be
conjoined. He wanted to ask for her doll, but he was ignorant that his
Grand Aunt passed away leaving her doll to fight alone in this cruel
world. His fairy died that day.
Every single day of the past decade after he left me, floated in front of
my closed eyes.
Life will not be same for me, baby prince. I am still waiting for you. I
am still thirsty and need your arms warmth to sleep. I have not slept
for a decade. However, I was in the flight, which was flying towards
Bordeaux taking me to live my new life in a new horizon.
Chapter 3: Incoherent Rendezvous (#1)
Chapter 3: Incoherent Rendezvous
For the whole flight, I sat twisting in pain in my seat. My pain did not
subdue for a single moment to give solace to my writing heart. Not
even the cute face of my filial was able to douse the fire of partition. I
had to control my flooding eyes for the sake of my cub and to take
care of him. I kept of thinking for the whole journey Why could not I
gather up myself to speak to him? What restrained him from coming to
me and ask me what happened to me? Then it dawned that My son,
was in my lap, he might have thought that I was married to someone
else and he should not come to my life to disturb my blissful marital
life or he might have thought that he would not like to bring
turbulence to his marital life by digging up his dark past.
We stayed at a hotel named Acanthe on rue Saint Remi. The hotel was
a beautiful one. The Centre was bit far from my hotel, but Dr. Sarkar
wanted to stay near to the river so he chooses that hotel which was
nearby to the river Borde that ran through the beautiful city. From the
hotel room, the view of the palace by the side of the river could be
seen. The sight was beautiful at night with the palace all lighted up
and cold breeze flowing from the river through the large window of the
room.
In the night I was unable to sleep in the huge comfortable bed. The
squishy spongy bed felt like a mattress of nails to me. My fawn
trembled in his sleep while cuddling me. He cried repeatedly at night. I

had to wake up to cuddle him and comfort him so that he could sleep.
Due to the change of environment and new place and time, we both
were unable to sleep. Repeatedly I checked that whether he was
comfortable or not. I wept that my son was not getting proper rest.
What have you done, Paree? What have you done? Your son is unable
to sleep, you are unable to sleep yet you are adamant to walk into
alien horizon to find solace of your soul. You are a fool Paree.
I could not conjoin my eyelids and kept of lamenting---Abhi, my
sweetheart, I am sorry to bring you in such a place. This is not our
place to stay, honey. This is an alien land and we are not suitable for
this type of lifestyle, honey.
I was so restless on bed that I went into the restroom and sat cowered
in the bathtub filled up with warm water. I tried hard to shed all his
memoirs from my mind but I was unable to scrap his reminiscences
from my heart. It was like a part of my brain that came in front of my
eyes repeatedly. I felt his touch on my forehead and rubbed hard to
scrub off that sensation, but I was unable to do so. I wanted to vent
my agony and my pain to someone. I staggered out of the bathroom
and took out his diary. I cried as I read each page and then ripped off
each page I read. I tore every page he wrote about me from that diary
still I was unable to scrub off his memoirs. I gnawed my lips, my
cheeks and my body tried hard to scrub off his touches. He kissed me
all over, every inch of my slender sensuous figure; I scrubbed in vain
to douse the fire in my soul. At last I thought that If I write all my
memoirs I could tell someone my pains my sorrow my agony. At least
this diary would help me to share my pains. I started to write each
memoirs of the last decade in the remaining pages of the diary, until
the red sun peeped behind the castle by the side of the river. At the
dawn, I managed to write the first three years, I was caged in the
ivory cage. My fingers were sore, my eyes were red, and my head was
heavy. I walked to the balcony, looked up the blue sky, and took a
deep breath to fill my lungs with fresh air. I felt that the soreness in
soul was subdued to some extent.
I looked at my son, who was sleeping peacefully on the bed. I crept up
beside him, cuddled him near me, and rested my head on his pillow. I
closed my eyes and tried to take some rest. I felt that I was living
again.
For the whole day, I could not prepare for my coming convention;
instead, I kept on writing my past in those crinkly yellow pages. Abhi
kept to himself playing at my feet, playing with his cars and teddy
bear.
Dr. Sarkar contacted his peers at Bordeaux who appointed a babysitter
to look after my son while I was in convention. I was skeptical at first
in leaving my cub in hands of a total unknown person but I had to.
She arrived in the evening at the hotel along with the manager and Dr.
Sarkars friend Mr. John Chabrol. The name of the babysitter was
Amelia
Fuere;
she
was
about
twenty-five
years
old.
I asked her---Do you have prior experience of babysitting?
She spoke in English with French ascent---Madame, I have prior

experience. I am a schoolteacher. Moreover, I had to look after my
two frre (brother) while I was young.
---What happened to that job?
She smiled painfully at me---Madame, we dont have a permanent job
here. We can work only for six months a year, all due to rising
unemployment. So in other six months I had to find petty jobs to keep
myself running.
I shook my head in dismay What a world we are living in? I asked
her---But my son does not understand English or French? How will
you manage?
She smiled at me---We both can manage? She called Abhi to her
who was hiding behind me and looking at Amelia with a queer gaze.
I asked him---Come on goto her.
He clasped my arms and shook his head No.
I asked her---How much would you charge for?
She
said---Three
Euros
per
hour
Madame.
Be it any amount I am ready to give if you look after my child. I said
to her.
I was very my agitated on myself as I was helpless to handover my
throbbing heart to someone else I did not know. The manager of the
hotel and Dr. Sarkars friend Mr. Chabrol assured me that they would
be around to keep an eye. Still I was skeptical to handover my filial in
unknown hands. I had to keep stones on my heart and handover my
son on those three days while I was away attending the convention.
I took out Abhi in the evening by the side of the river. He was very
happy that he came on a trip with his mother. His smiling jolly face
brought solace in my burning soul.
I smiled at him and asked---Do you want ice-cream?
He nodded his head. I took him on my lap and bought him a cone. He
licked on the cone and I looked at his smiling face. I asked myself
How come you waved to a person who was unknown to you? That
was against your nature honey. Probably you both share the same
name sweetheart. Probably there is a force beckoning you both.
Thanks a million, sweetheart that you waved and pointed to him. May
be that was for few minutes but I was able to behold my love.
Probably that was the last time I behold him. However, my eyes
remain thirsty to devour him again.
The physics convention started from Tuesday and was for three days. I
was unable to concentrate on my papers. For the whole day, I sat with
heavy heart and that affected my relation with my son. My fawn never
found me so depressed in his tiny span of life. I was uncontrollable in
the beginning. My sleep and rest was lost. I cursed myself repeatedly
Why he had to come if he had to go like that?
My depressing nature did not go unnoticed from Dr. Sarkar piercing

gaze. He asked me that whether I was ok or not. He thought that I
was depressed because I left my families back home. I gathered up
myself and prepared for the convention. However, I failed bitterly to
impress other members of the board except Dr. Pelletier with whom I
already had a video conference.
Three days after we arrived at Bordeaux, we were having dinner at a
restaurant near to our hotel.
Dr. Sarkar asked me---What happened to you?
---I am not feeling well, Sir.
---Do you want to continue your research here or not?
I was in dilemma as what I want actually, my life or my career. I gave
a blank look at his face and said---I dont want to stay here, Sir. I
want to go back to Kolkata.
He was very much surprised to hear that I was rejecting the offer of
continuing
my
studies
in
such
a
prestigious
institution.
---I want to live with my son. I want to lead a simple life.
I looked at Abhi, who was munching the cheese from Lasagna.
He gave a bewildered look at me and asked me---Are you insane
Suchismita? Do you know that there are thousands of students,
worldwide who are waiting to get an opportunity, to study in this
institution? Your are rejecting the offer that came knocking at your
door?
I gave him a painful smile---Sir, they are not single mother.
He nodded his head in dismay---No, no, dont tell that. My own
daughter is in States.
---All the fingers of your hand are not of same length, Sir. She might
be more courageous than I. I just wanted to do a job to support my
life and my child. I never wanted to be a careerist woman in my life.
---You are sure that you want to return?
I was certain at that point of time. I did not want to be a careerist
woman. I gave a gentle look at my son and said---Sir, to stay in his
future I have to walk beside him in his present. If he does not get his
mother by his side during his childhood days then he will curse me in
future.
That what happened between my Love and ChotoMa. Abhi never got
his mother beside him when he wanted her most and there was no
such bonding between them. If there had been so much of binding
then, Abhimanyu would have contacted ChotoMa, which he never did.
I was sure that he wanted to set himself free from that ivory cage as I
was caged once. I do not want my son to live in a cage; I wanted him
to breathe fresh air always.
Dr. Sarkar then said to me---Eventually you had to go back for a
week, so if you dont mind can you do me a favour?
I asked---What Sir?
---I am planning to goto to Massachusetts to meet my daughter form
here. If you do not mind, the can you return via New Delhi and deliver
a letter to one of my colleague. He will meet you at New Delhi airport.
---But sir, my return is already booked via Mumbai.
---You return to Mumbai then change the route via New Delhi. I will
bear
all
the
cost
of
your
stay
and
air
ticket.
Oh! No not again, I dont want to visit that place again. However, all
of a sudden I thought If HE pleases and I closed my eyes and prayed
to HIM Please, I want to meet him. I was skeptical that I would find
him again.
---Ok Sir.
I felt a rush of fresh air blew inside me by the mere thought that I was
going back to my place and that also via New Delhi. Although I did not
expect that, I would meet him again. That would be once in a blue
moon chance to meet him again at the same place.
In the night, while Abhi, slept on the bed. I sat with all those torn
pages, kissed all those pages repeatedly and kept those again in the
diary. I started to pack my belongings scattered all over the room.
On penultimate day, I went for shopping at rue Saint Catherine. I
bought four Tiveton perfumes for my two sister-in-laws and two best
friends, Kalyani and Teesta. I bought six shirts, three each for my
brothers and one for Dushtu, and each for Debu and Dipankar. I
bought lots of dresses for my cub. There was nothing for ChotoMa, so
I bought a clutch for her. I packed everything and prepared to bid
goodbye to Bordeaux.
My flight landed at Mumbai in the late morning. The moment the flight
touched India, I felt as if I was roaming inside my world. I felt that
even if I die, I would not regret, because it was my motherland. My
flight to New Delhi was in the evening.
I called Maithili---Hello, I am back.
She was surprised to hear my voice---What? she sounded very
happy on hearing me.
I smiled, looking at Abhi---Yes, I rejected the offer and I returned. I
could not find peace there.
---Oh! See I told you beforehand that there is nothing like home.
---I was skeptical about my son so I had to return. It was not due to
my motherland or home. I am still in search for a home, sweet home.
---Ok, ok. I understand.
I paused for a little and took a deep breath before divulging that I met
Abhimanyu the day we left for Bordeaux.
---I have something to say. You will not believe.
---I will believe whatever you say and from the quiver of your voice I
can fathom that easily.
It was my turn to get surprised Did he called her and informed her
that he met me?
---What do you mean? Did he call you?
---No. But the tremble in your voice shows that you met him.
A long breath exhausts from my chest So he has not called her, but
how come she would know.
My heart was pulsating while I told her about my failed meet.
She cursed herself again---See, my vengeful words still haunts me
and
that
is
not
allowing
you
two
to
mingle.
I said to her in an agonized voice---It was not your fault, Churni. By
the
way
I
am
returning
via
New
Delhi.
---Again via New Delhi, why?
---I have to give some papers to a friend of Dr. Sarkar.
---When is you return flight to Kolkata?
---Tomorrow evening. By the way, thunder does not strike twice in
one place, so I dont expect to meet him this time.
---Where are you going to stay?
---In a hotel.
My son was becoming restless as the time passed idly.
He kept on nagging me---Mamma, I want to go home.
I kept on consoling him---Ok, honey we are going to home.
I kept on telling myself I will search for a home for my entire life, but
it will be out of my reach.
It was late evening, when the flight landed in New Delhi Airport. Few
days back, I stood in this tarmac waiting for my departure and I met
whom I wanted to meet for long time. My eyes were again searching
for him Will we meet again?
I called Dr. Sarkars friend Mr. Pannikar, he said that he has arranged
a hotel for my accommodation in C.R. Park and he would pick me up
the day after from my hotel. He also told me that he wanted to talk to
me regarding some of my papers in IIT-Delhi. I asked him the name
and address of the hotel. I called the hotel to confirm my stay.
Abhi walked by my side to the conveyer belt. We were waiting
anxiously
to
pick
up
my
baggage.
I was on the phone talking to Maithili---Hey, I have arrived at New
Delhi. I am returning home tomorrow evening. Have you visited my
place to check?
---Yes I visited once to check your place. How is my son doing?
I looked at him; he was smiling at someone standing behind me. I
gave a queer look at him to see him smiling and waving again. My
heart skipped and raced very fast.
I was still on phone and I turned back. I was praying to HIM This time
I want to talk to him, dear God. Yes, this time I wont let him go.
My Unicorn was on the floor, kneeled down and was smiling at my
Angel.
He
outstretched
his
arms
to
him.
I whispered to Maithili---I will talk to you later. I got to go.
My heart was racing like a wild horse; I felt a huge turbulence inside
my chest. I bit my lower lips to restrain my tears to drip from my
eyes. He looked at me over his specs and smiled at me. My son,
walked slowly towards him and he took him in his lap. My nose flared
up and eyes were filled up to behold the sight, both my precious
entwined in their arms and smiling sweetly at my sniveled face.
He stood beside me; his left side arm touched my right arm. It sends
me shivers in my arm.
He asked my son---What is your name?
---Api
He laughed out looking at me. He paused a little and then gently
nodded his head---How are you?
I was looking at his face all the time, waiting eagerly to hear him say
something to me. I lost my voice and nodded my head I am fine.
I held the trolley handle hard and looked the other side to hide few
drops that trickled down from the corner of my eyes. I stealthily
rubbed the corner of my eyes with the tip of my finger.
I
heard
him
ask---You
are
coming
from
Mumbai?
I nodded at him while looking for my luggage on the conveyer belt. I
looked
straight
to
hide
my
tears
from
him.
---I
was
in
the
same
flight.
Which
row
you
were?
My face became red and my heart skipped faster as I came to know
that
he
was
in
the
same
flight.
My eyes were wide open and I looked at him---Fourth row, and you?
He threw his age-old mischievous smile at me---Penultimate row.
He clasped my son on his left arm; with his right, he was holding the
trolley. My fawn nestled comfortably on his lap as if they knew each
other from the very beginning of their existence. Abhi had his teddy on
his
lap
and
was
looking
at
his
face.
He winked at Abhi---This is your teddy? What is his name?
He looked at me and then at him---Teddy.
He laughed out at him and turned towards me---That day, you were
on some international flight, right?
---Yes,
I
was
going
to
He was unable to hear the name of the place---Where?
Bordeaux.

I
repeated
my
words
again---Bordeaux,
France.
He was surprised to hear that. He constricted his brows and gave a
queer look at me---France, thats great. Someone lives there?
---No.
I
went
for
a
physics
convention
over
there.
Wow. he was amazed to hear that Thats good. Really good. So

your are working somewhere?
My heart was beating faster inside my chest every moment I heard his
words pouring into my soul. I was losing myself; I waited too long to
hear from him.
I nodded my head; I was looking intently at his face, our eyes met
again. His eyes were glistening with some unknown pain same as
mine. My heart and soul was writing inside my chest. I tried hard to
overcome my pains and wear a smile on my quivering lips.
He rubbed his nose on Abhis sweet face and then asked him---You
are sweet, just like your mother.
Admiring my sweetness indirectly made me weak. I slowly moved near
him to get his touch. His left arm touched mine. My bags were coming
around the corner.
---There are my bags.
He put down Abhi on my lap, my fingers touched his while he handed
my son on my lap. He looked at me and lingered his fingers a bit on
my hand. My breath stopped and for a fraction of second, his face was
red. A deep breathe exhaled from his chest as he turned towards the
belt to pick up my bags. I clenched my right fist, tired hard to quench
my thirst my touching him again. I clasped my son to control my
overwhelming empathy.
He bent down to pick up my bags and straightened. He turned towards
me---Any more bags?
I was breathing hard trying to subdue my feelings rising from the
abyss---Two more.
---So you have any relatives here?
If I dont have, will you ask me to stay with you? I held my breath
and paused for a moment. Abhi was looking at our faces. My sweet
filial was unable to understand all what was happening inside me. He
might have fathomed his mothers heartbeat on his little chest,
thumping like a huge drum.
---I have some work at IIT-Delhi tomorrow, a meeting with a person.
I will be staying at a hotel. I will return to Kolkata by evening flight.
The rest of my luggage was around the corner, his luggage was
nowhere in sight.
I pointed to my bags and said---There are two of my bags. I will get
them.
He laughed at me---Take care of your son; I will get them for you.
He joked at me Probably the airlines have forgotten my luggage at
Mumbai.
He picked up my luggage and put them on the trolley. I waited for his
luggage to arrive.
I laughed on his words and asked---You also went somewhere?
---Yes, Kuala Lumpur. Office tour.
I nodded my head I knew that, dear. I ran towards the aerobridge

that day to find out where you went. However, I was unable to catch
you that day.
He looked at me, scratched his scalp, and hesitated a bit. I looked at
him with sheer anticipation dripping from my face Yes, what do you
want to ask. Ask me. I observed that his lips trembled. My sight was
fixated on his lips, all the world around me vanished, all the senses
lost. My heart was thumping and beating Yes, yes, yes ask.
---If you dont mind.. Why should I mind when I gave my
everything
to
you?
Stay
at
my
place
tonight?
I closed my eyes, my world went blank, my breathe stopped I only felt
my sons chubby cheeks rubbing on mine. I took a deep breath,
opened my eyes, and looked at Abhis cute face. He was looking at me
with a gaze that he had done a crime for asking that question to me.
My brows came together and I slowly stepped near him, pulled up my
face my lips quivered. His eyes were fixated on my lips; I forgot that
my
son
was
on
my
lap.
I
was
breathing
hard.
Suddenly he broke my trance and shook his head---Ok, I am sorry.
I screamed out my heart No I want to go with you. He gave a painful
look at my face and he picked up his bag from the conveyer belt.
He turned towards me and said---I can drop you at your hotel, if you
allow me.
I want to be with you. But what will your family, feel about? You must
be married by now. All those sort of flurry was disturbing me like fire
from the hell.
A solitary drop of tear rolled down my cheek, my son wiped that tear
and I regained my senses. I told to myself Paree, you are a mother
now. You should not forget that, Suchismita. My heart and soul was
being ripped by tug-of-war, caught between a mother and an eve.
Yes, I am a mother, but he should know my truth. He vented on
Maithili; his cant keep his eyes closed and stay away. What are you
going to do, Paree? I am going to ask him, why he did not call
Maithili after that. May be he is married, so he did not want any life
to get damaged. What if not? What if yes? He is not even asking
how his mother and father are, why? He is disgusted on them. They
burnt both of your lives. They repent, they lament every day. But
the life is lost, isnt it. No one can return those ten years of life that
you both lost.
The turbulence was cut short by a sweet kiss of my son. I regained my
senses and smiled at him---Tired, want to eat something?
He
shook
his
head---No,
teddy
bear
is
hungry.
He laughed at Abhi Your teddy bear is hungry and naughty fellow is
not? He looked at me and asked, Shall we walk out? I can drop you.
Your hotel is on my way.
He phoned someone---Bring the car, we are coming out.
He took Abhi from my lap and kept him on the trolley. Abhi giggled at
him Car.. jooooo. He laughed at him Yes, dear, a car. You have a
car? He nodded his head A red car. He gave a queer mischievous
look at him I have stolen your car. My car is also red. Abhi laughed
out him and pointed to his bag over which he was sitting Car there.
We
both
could
not
stop
laughing
at
my
fawns
face.
He turned towards me and asked the query that made me pinned to
the shiny floor of the terminal. ---How is your life going? You have
changed a lot.
I clutched the handle of the trolley and stood there all of a sudden. He
passed by and then turned back to find me standing like a stone
effigy. He constricted his brows and looked at me. How could I tell
you, how am I? I am living in a solitary world where I have my son
only. I have no home, I have no one to love me, and I have no one to
take care of me. I sleep alone in the bed. I am a corpse, Abhi.
He apprehended my feelings the other way round, came near me and
apologized---I am sorry to ask you that question. I did not mean to
hurt you.
I am bleeding inside I lost my voice; instead I said, Can we go to
your house, please? I am tired. Uh! What did I say? No! Did I just
ask him to take me home? Oh god, what will his wife thinks. No.
Nevertheless, by then the arrow already left the bow and stroke eye of
the fish.
He smiled at my bewildered face---Ok, lets go then. We were
already outside the tarmac and he pointed out to a red car waiting
outside at the parking lot Ah there is my car.
I kept on telling myself repeatedly Please dont give that look at me,
Abhi. I feel weak whenever you give me that look. Your eyes pierce
my soul. Remember the evening in the courtyard, you were about to
touch my hand and you gave me that look.
I took out my phone to cancel my stay in the hotel. His driver opened
the boot space to keep our baggages. He opened the rear door and
ushered me in. He climbed in the front seat along with my son.
Probably he was feeling awkward to sit beside someone else wife.
God, please give me some courage to tell me what all happened to
me.
The car started out. I looked at them both of my precious, the apple of
my eyes and my red heart, seated in the front sit and playing with
each
others
finger.
I heard them say High five. I heard sweet giggle of Abhi as he
slapped his little palm on his hand High five. I sat silently looking at
them peacefully with my tearful eyes. I was unable to control my
happiness and same time I was having some unknown pain creeping
inside me What will his family think when they will find me. Has he
divulged to them that he loved me once and I have returned to his life
like a storm?
The car cut through the busy streets of New Delhi taking us to his
house. Crossing over several flyovers and passing cars. My mind went
blank. I looked outside the window sat silently on the back seat,
enjoying the sweet giggles of my son and my heart.
Suddenly the car stopped under a flyover. I asked to him---What
happened?
He looked at me over his shoulder and said---Nothing, you keep
seated. My honey wants some ice cream.
I scolded Abhi---No ice-cream now, it is night.
My fawn cried out---Askeem.
He looked at me and waved his index finger---Dont scold, please.
I smiled after seeing that how sweetly they were getting along.
He walked out of the car with Abhi on his lap. An ice-cream trolley was
standing by the side of the road.
I took a deep breath gathered all my courage to ask the query to the
driver. The answer that I was looking for a long time, probably for last
six years I was looking for Have you started a life of your own after
knowing that I was married?
---Who is there at your sirs house?
He answered---Sir lives alone.
I clenched both my fist and pressed my hands on my chest. I wailed
out softly by looking at them outside the window. You ruined your life
for me. Large drops of tears started to roll down my eyes, deluging
my cheeks, trickled over my neck. I started to bang my head gently
with painful heart Why you ruined your life, Abhimanyu? I was
doomed not you. You had the chance to live your life, but I had no
choice other than to surrender to my doomed fate. The whole world
shook around me. I kept on weeping in the dark cabin space of the
rear seat of his car.
On observing them approaching the car, I wiped my face with the back
of
my
hand
sported
a
smile
on
my
lips.
I asked my cub---Are you happy now? I looked at his face, he also
seemed happy by seeing smile on my sons face. There was no sign of
tiredness on my filials face. It seemed that he was having a great
time. He was in the most secure arms on this earth.
The night was darkening outside. The car turned towards some place,
in some housing complex and stopped in front of a house. I looked
outside to find out in vain, as what was the place.
He looked over his shoulder towards me and said---We have
reached. He walked out of the car with Abhi on his lap.
Not for a single time he has called my name. I am dying to hear my
name from your lips, please. I kept on telling to me. You have not
yet called him by his name, Paree.
He pointed to the balcony of the first floor That is my apartment,
small abode of solace. He handed me the keys and said, Go, inside, I
am coming.
---Where are you going?
He laughed at me---I live alone, I need to buy some groceries for
dinner. I am not rich like you. I earn daily and buy my food daily.
Mocking at me. I laughed at him I dont have a car.
---Dont tell a lie.
---No I am serious
---Ok I believe you. Now go inside and change, I will come with few
minutes. Do I need to buy something for you and your son?
---Milk and Nappies.
He laughed at Abhi, rubbed his nose on his small nose---Still pee
during night.
Abhi giggled at him, held his hair with his hand and pulled them hard.
They went away. The driver took out our baggage from the boot.
I opened the door and entered his apartment. I kept my left foot
forward and felt ripples inside me. My peaceful abode I always
wanted to have. I looked around the house. It was a two-room
apartment. On one room, there was small bed. The beddings was
scattered all over the bed. The bed-sheet was dirty. In the other room,
there was a chair, a table, a refrigerator and a TV. I looked around the
floor, all over the floor, the cigarettes buts were lying around. So you
have not stopped smoking. What is this Abhimanyu, you promised me
once, have you forgotten.
Madam where shall I keep these bags the driver asked me. I said to
him to keep them in any room. I was busy in looking his abode of
solace. How can a person stay alone for last ten years? Why have not
you found someone after you came to know that I was married?
Paree, was you happy while you were married? No, for every single
day, you hankered for him. Same happened to him also, Paree.
I opened my bag, took out my evening gown, and went inside the
bathroom. Oh! No, what a hell. The bathroom was also very dirty. I
smiled at myself You have not changed a bit, dear.
I came out and walked into his kitchen to find something to cook. The
sight of the sink made me sick. I tied a rubber band in my hair and
pressed my nose. The utensils were rotting for last seven days
probably. There was a stench smell coming out from the wastebasket.
You are really hopeless. I started to clean the kitchen, as if I have
reached my abode after a long absence and he has gone out with my
son to buy groceries. I took out a plastic from one corner of the
kitchen and put all the dirts in the plastic bag and walked to the
balcony to keep there. I took out a broom from the corner of the
kitchen and started dusting the floor, which was probably covered with
few inches of dirt.

I was very happy while cleaning the kitchen as if I was in the seventh
heaven. All my tiredness was gone. I was feeling rejuvenated as if
elixir of vigor was flowing through my veins. I was humming my old
favourite song Eii jibon chilo nodir moton disha hara goti hara...
After finishing the kitchen I went inside his bedroom, rather say a
dingy room. I laughed at myself while cleaning his bed How come you
can live here? I brought my bags inside and unpacked few dressed of
my son and daily need things I would have at night. As there was no
dressing table in his apartment so, I had to keep my creams and
combs on a chair nearby. I looked around the walls and observed that
there was no calendar or wall clock or any wall hangings. The walls
were bare and pale white coloured.
I went inside the room having the chair-table and refrigerator. The
refrigerator was switched-off So you have some brain that you
switched-off the fridge before you went away? I opened the fridge
and found that a container of pulses was rotting inside. Few apples
and bananas were kept all black and there was stench odour coming
out. You are terrible. You do not know how to live.
I was engrossed in cleaning his room. I heard a knock on the door.
You rascals have returned at last.
He stepped inside, handed me a bag full of groceries and looked
around the house Oh! This is definitely not my house. He joked at
me.
He put down Abhi from his lap. My son waved a bar of chocolate at
me---Mamma chocolate.
---Not this time, we have to take dinner sweetheart.
I gave a mischievous smile at him and joked---You have not changed
a bit.
He bowed down and showed his head---See, few strands of hair has
turned grey. Who told I have not changed. By the way, your son is
very sweet.
---Hmm. So are you. Go and change I will cook out something.
He stood there while Abhi ran all around the room. He looked at me
from toe to tip. I felt his gaze was melting each pores of my skin. I felt
my heart melting by his lovelorn eyes. My face turned red and my
cheeks blushed. I removed my strand of tress dangling on my right
cheek with my index finger and almost yelled out Please dont give
that look at me. I will melt down for sure.
He apprehended my restiveness and walked towards the bathroom. He
left me stranded melting away with his lovely eyes hovering on my
face.
I took Abhi on my lap and asked, What you did? He was unable to
understand the anxiety playing inside his mothers soul.
What is keeping you behind bars from talking to me? How can he
talk, Paree, he knows that you are married and he is seeing you with
your son. How can I speak up if he doesnt ask about me? Wait
Paree, wait. You have just met. He is also thinking the same. He will
talk. What if he never talks to me about my past, about my
present? Why are you being so skeptical Paree? What should I do?
Enjoy the time you are with him.
My string of query broke when I heard the bathroom door to open. He
came out of the bathroom and asked me---You were cooking
something? I am dying.
I smiled at him and joked---You are always in a hurry.
He took a deep breath and shook his head---I was never in a hurry.
His answer shook every tendril of my body. Goosebumps rose from
every pore You dont know what happened to me. You never called
home again. I felt a hot gush of blood raced all over my face. My soul
burnt with his burning words filled up with hidden pains.
He took my son from my lap and walked towards the bathroom Come
on, we have to be fresh.
I clenched my jaws and walked in the kitchen to cook the meal. I
stood silently looking at the burning blue flame of gas oven. Tears
rolled down my cheeks I wanted to wait, Abhimanyu. I was not
allowed to. You are not a girl, so you will not understand my
restrictions. You will blame me. At least before blaming me, you
should ask me what made to traverse such coarse path. Why I had to
squander off?
Suddenly I felt as if he was standing behind me. I closed my eyes; I
could hear my heartbeat even. Are you going to touch me? I almost
died in anticipation, held my breath to long for his touch.
He whispered near my ears---Pulses are boiling, where are you lost?
I felt his warm breath flowing on my bare nape and shoulder. I
trembled in that light breeze.
I am lost in you, cant you see in my eyes, on my face? You stupid
fellow. I tried to yell at him. Just ask me once that if I am happy or
not? I want to tell you everything and even after that if you feel to
evade
me,
I
will
never
cross
your
path.
I was afraid to turn and look into his eyes. I closed my eyes, bit my
lower lips---Go and sit at the table. I am coming with dinner.
At the dining table, I expected him to speak up and ask me something.
He was very quiet and I was busy feeding my son. The silence was
killing us both; I could behold the pains dripping from his eyes while
he was munching the dinner. I kept myself busy feeding Abhi.
All the silence and pain was burning inside my soul and I vented my
ire on my little fawn Come on eat quickly. I am tired, so are you. I
was losing my self-control. The silence was overwhelming. I screamed
at my child You are a real pain for me. My son started crying.
He chewed his words and threw a ball of fire at me---Why are you
venting ire on that little soul?
I looked at him with tearful eyes and burning face. Our eyes met for a
fraction of second and I looked down to the plate. I fathomed that his
gaze was fixated upon my face. Abhi ran away fro me towards him,
crying. He outstretched his arms and took him on his lap
He asked him soothingly---You dont want to eat?
My fawn nodded his head No.
He left the dinner table, unfinished plate---Want to sleep with me?
I lost my appetite. Go away. Why you came back to my life if you are
not going to ask me what happened to me?
I yelled out at my son---Come to bed.
Abhi clasped his neck with all his strength and hid his face on his
shoulder. His little back was throbbing with crest and troughs of
juvenile
anger.
His
mother
vented
on
him.
He looked at me I am sorry. I am really sorry. He will sleep. You can
goto sleep. He rubbed my sons back Come lets have drive in your
red car.
My sons face was enlightened---Red car?
Yes red car. He gave a pleading look at me and asked me to sleep.
I have lost my sleep long ago. I do not have peace of mind. I do not
have a home to sleep. I am standing like a castaway, lost in oblivion.
I observed with my sniveled eyes that my apple of my eye and my
heart walked out of the door waving their hand at me. I wiped my
tears and smiled at them, You are in the lap where you should be.
I walked into the bedroom and took out the diary from my laptop bag.
Arranged all the torn pages and looked at them. I stared at those
scribbles on the pages. I was unable to think of anything. I lay down
with a dark void soul on the bed and wept alone.
Hours passed with tick of clock. I heard his footsteps and ran towards
the door. He returned, with Abhi sleeping peacefully in his arms. He
walked inside the bedroom and lay down my sleeping angel on the
bed. I was observing how caring nature he has. Do they share the
resemblance
of
name
or
more
than
that?
He turned towards me and said in a low voice---Get some sleep. We
will talk tomorrow.
I smiled at him and nodded my head Yes same time I said to myself
I have lost my sleep.
He walked out of the room.
I lay down on the bed looking at the face of my angel who was
peacefully lying down beside me. The overhead fan was running at full
speed trying hard to cool down the fire inside my soul. Few hours
passed, I turned restlessly on the bed unable to close my eyes. I heard
some footsteps. I looked at the doorway, the light of the other room
was still on, which meant that he has not slept. I wanted to walk into
his room and speak to him. I observed his silhouette standing behind
the curtain. The bedroom was dark. I saw him moving the curtain
aside and look into the room. I was about to get up and ask him but
he
went
away
and
closed
the
door
of
his
room.
I cursed him and myself Why? What is keeping you so restrained? I
kept on turning on the bed for whole night. When I lost myself into
slumber, I do not know.
I woke up on hearing the calling bell. I walked out of the room and
looked at the closed door of his room. I felt to knock him, instead I
thought He is tired let me look at the door. I opened the door to find
his maid standing with queer look at her face.
She asked me---Sirji is not at home?
---He is tired, he is sleeping.
She gave a queer look as if she has seen a ghost, walked inside and
finished her daily chores.
I walked in to the kitchen to prepare myself a cup of tea. My son was
sleeping peacefully. I took my morning bath as usual and changed my
dress. If you are not asking anything then dont expect me to speak. I
will return to my life.
After few hours, he woke up. He was abusing someone on the phone. I
handed him a cup of tea, he took the cup from me and smiled and
then again started abusing on the phone. From the words, I
understood that something wrong has happened in his office. Oh! My
god, he has to goto office. No please god, dont do this to me. I
begged at HIM with all my crave.
After he kept his phone I asked him---What happened?
He shook his head in dismay while sipping the tea---This bullshit
servers. Your flight is in the evening right? At what time?
---At
seven
but
I
have
to
reach
there
by
five.
---Yeah I know. I will come back. I have to go.
I screamed inside me What? You have to go without hearing any word
from my side. You have not asked a single query about ChotoMa and
Babu. What type of person you are?
My back was at the wall, I had nothing to lose. I chewed my words and
threw them towards him---I have to say something to you.
He looked up startled with a sudden change in my voice---What?
I lost my words; I looked the other way to hide my pains How to
start? Where to start?
I observed from the corner of my eyes that he was looking at the
ceiling and banged his fist in the air in sheer dismay. He then stood up
and said to me---I have to goto office. He walked towards the
bathroom carrying his dress.
I wailed at him---I have to say a lot, Abhimanyu. You have to hear
me. Do not leave me like this. I am a widow, living a lonely life. he

had closed the door already.
He came out after bathing and went directly to his room to dress up. I
sat on the chair stoned to death, writhing in pain. I looked at his face
while he walked out, for a fraction of a second our eyes met. His eyes
were red. He probably wept in the bathroom. I walked behind him to
the bedroom. I stood at the door and watched him. He was dressed up
and was looking at my Angels face. He stealthily wiped the corner of
his eyes and bend down to kiss my Angels cheek. I could not control
myself anymore. I sobbed out, the sound echoed softly in his ears. He
got startled as if he was caught in some devious action. He gave a
painful look at my sniveled contoured face and walked past me.
He picked up his bag and looked at me---My car will come back after
leaving me at my office. You can use it. My driver will be there. Take
care of your son. Goodbye. Enjoy your life.
Thats what has evaded me, dear. I have no peace. I bit my lower
lips and stood there at the door, watching him ride away in his car.
You both are stupid. You both are not fit to live in this world. I kept
lamenting to myself. I walked to the bedroom and lay down on the bed
cuddling my son tightly across my chest. I will stay alone. I will live
for you my child.
I felt disgusted and lost. I woke my son and packed my bags. I called
Mr. Pannikar and asked him to meet me at the airport. I apologized to
him that I was not feeling well so I would hand-over his papers at the
airport. For the whole day, I was very much agitated on both of us. I
kept on thinking, What made him not to approach to me? Why he did
not ask me anything? I can feel that he still preserves his disgust
against his parents but even after meeting me why he kept quiet.
I prepared the dinner for him and packed it in the refrigerator. I
dusted his table and chair, arranged the books and papers on the
table. I sat on the chair and gave a blank look at the walls. I smiled at
my Angel, who was engrossed in playing and babbling in the new
environment. I walked up into the bedroom, looked at the bed, to the
walls, and gave a sniveled goodbye to all of them. I felt that I should
write something.
I wrote on a piece of yellow sticker and put that on the refrigerator
door,
Good bye. I have prepared dinner at that is in the fridge. Hope that
you will find peace in your life. Your parents are waiting for you, goto
them. I am not the same person, what you are thinking. Try to look
beyond and walk for a better future.
I asked my son---We should go home.
He came running to me---Askeem mountain, Mamma?
I took a deep breath and smiled painfully at him---No sweetheart, not

to askeem mountain today. We will goto askeem mountain some other
day. I am also dying to goto askeem mountain with someone, but see
he is not even looking at me. He thinks that I am happy in my world.
Yes I am happy with you. Is not it, honey?
He babbled---Aeroplane Mamma?
I took him on my lap and called the driver to pack my luggage in the
car.
---Yes we are going to aeroplane, Abhi. Lets us go.
I looked around the house and locked the door, with my sniveled eyes
and walked out with my son. You both were so near yet you were so
far. What restrained you both?
I cuddled my cub tightly across my chest I may fail as a lover. But I
will never fail as a mother. I am a mother now. Love with some past,
is a closed chapter for me.
On
the
way,
I
called
my
beloved
sister-in-law.
---What made you cut the call yesterday? And why havent you called
me since then.
I lost my voice as how to say to her. I paused for a moment and then
spoke in a quivering voice---I met him, met Abhimanyu. I stayed at
his place.
She was unable to believe her ears. She screamed over the phone--What?
I spoke in a very depressing cold voice---Yes, we stayed at his place.
She was eager to know what happened between us---Have not you
talked?
---No, Churni. He has changed. He was very quiet and different. He
spoke nothing.
---And
you
idiot,
why
did
not
you
spoke?
I yelled at her---I tried to but he did not listen. He went away to his
office on some pretext.
---Damn, I am going to kill you both.
I smiled painfully at her words---I deserve to get killed, Churni. I am
coming back.
---I will send Dushtu to airport to pick you up.
---No need. I can go home.
We got down at the airport. Abhi looked at my agonized face. His little
juvenile soul was filled with bewilderment as why his mom always
cries.
The driver arranged all my luggages on the trolley and handed me an
white envelop.
---Sirji gave you this envelop.

I asked him---What is that? I knew how could he know what was
inside that envelop.
I walked past the gate and took the boarding pass. I took Abhi on my
lap and sat at the lounge waited for my boarding call. I opened the
envelop.
I never wanted to meet you again after I came to know that you are
married. I severed my ties with my family because I knew that if I
keep ties then your married life would be jeopardized. I understand in
what situation you were married. However, the truth is that you are
someone elses wife, someones mother. I do not want to bring any
more turbulence in your happy life. I was about to pass, but your son
waved at me. I stood still and walked towards him. I will not be able to
stand your sniveled eyes again, so I went away. Try to forget as what
happened, what we did and live a beautiful life. Goodbye.
What the hell. Without even knowing my life, how can you do this to
me? I clenched my jaws, shredded the page, and threw that in the
dustbin before boarding the aeroplane.
Goodbye, I dont want to keep any relation with a person who makes
up his mind on his own without knowing the reality. Goodbye
Abhimanyu.
Chapter 4: Dawn at Midnight (#1)
I reached home at about ten o clock in the night. Abhi already slept,
so I lay him on the bed. I lay beside him, without changing my
clothes, lamented on my doomed fate. I cuddled him and wept, Dont
worry sweetheart. I am here with you always. After sometime, I
walked to the kitchen and cooked some rice for me for dinner. I
finished my dinner halfheartedly.
Whenever the thoughts of Abhimanyu swarm in my mind, I cursed him
and myself for not taking the step that both of us wanted but
restrained to take. The hot, humid April was killing me. The overhead
fan was unable to quench my thirst. I went inside the bathroom,
turned on the shower. The cold water ran down my body. I sat under
the shower on the floor. The water dripped continuously on my head,
drenched my writhing mind and soul. Why, why, God, you tried to
met us and then pulled us apart? What wrong I did in my whole life
that I had to writhe in pain for my whole life? Why cant I live a
peaceful happy life? I asked several thousand of question; however,
HE
answered
none.
I
saw
HIM
smiling
at
me.
I was loitering in the drawing room, looking out of the balcony. I felt
free
to
be
at
home
after
a
week
of
harried
trip.
It was about half past eleven, Maithili called me---Have you reached
home safely?
---Yes. How is Titli?

---She is doing well. Abhi has slept?
---Yes he is sleeping.
Are you alone in the house? her
---Yes I am alone. Who will be with me?
query
baffled
me.
She giggled on the phone---No one, I am coming with Titli tomorrow

morning. You might have brought something for us right?
I laughed---Yes, yes. I will be waiting. Good night.
I kept on thinking, Why she was talking to me like that? Her voice
was
very
different
as
if
she
was
mocking
me.
I was about to goto bed when the doorbell rang. I murmured, Who
the hell could be at this point of time? It is dead night.
I opened the door and I was dumbfounded to find you standing at the
door, in the middle of the night wearing a devilish smile on your lips. I
was unable to believe my eyes that you could come at that point of
time.
You grinned at me and said---Oh! Come on dont give that look at
me, please.
You walked into the drawing room, threw your bag on the sofa and
loosened your tie. I was baffled by your nature, and you were grinning
at me mischievously. I lost my words, even I pinched myself to find
out whether I was dreaming or not. I was looking at you with my wide
eyes. You stretched your arms as if you have come late from office as
usual and I was waiting for you, for dinner. You were acting very
normally yet all seemed to me very abnormal to me.
You gave a pleading look at me and said---I am hungry. This low cost
airline does not serve food. Even two-fifty bucks for a sandwich, what
the hell.
I lost my voice; I was unable to fathom, why you were behaving like
that.
You walked towards the fridge, opened that, and asked me---Where
is the dal (pulses)?
I had a jolt in my brain, on hearing you. I was astonished to hear and
told to myself, You flew from New Delhi, arrive at middle of the night,
open my fridge without asking me and then ask for dal? I locked the
door and stood as a stone effigy.
You looked at my baffled face and asked---Oh! Come on I missed
your boiled dal, boiled rice with mustard oil.
I was so much agitated by your sudden behaviour that I almost yelled
at you, but those words did not come out of my throat as it went dry
Can you explain me what you are doing in my house? My ears were
red; chest was having ripples of angst. I was trembling with a red-hot
face.
You sported a helpless smile and said---I was hungry. I had no

cooking gas so I flew down here to have my dinner. Simple.
I was boiling in angst, tears came in my eyes, and I screamed at you--First, you dont want to talk to me. Second, you do not listen to me.
Third, you made your own decision without even asking me, now you
drop at my house to have your dinner. Are you insane?
You brought your face near to me, looked deeply into my eyes. I could
not restrain myself from melting in that amorous pleading look. My
heart was beating very fast, as your warm breath flooded on my lips
and nose. My eyes were fixated on your parted lips. My heart was
beating like a huge drum inside my chest; I could even hear your
heartbeat. Your eyes grazed down from my eyes to my nose to my
lips. Drops of tears soaked my eyelids and flooded my partially closed
eyes. My nose tip was hot as amber.
You whispered in a hushed tone---Please, I am dying in hunger, timeout please. Can we have a short recess and then you continue with
your tussle?
My lips trembled, I grinded my jaws and smiled at you---Dont give
that look at me. Goto to bathroom and freshen up while I prepare the
dinner for you.
You pulled up your face and asked me---Has my Angel slept?
With tearful eyes, I shrinked my nose and smiled---Yes, your Angel
has slept. He was unaware that a devil was coming else he would have
not slept.
You
asked
me---Where
is
the
bathroom?
I joked at you---You know the fridge then find the bathroom. and
then I pointed towards the bathroom.
You walked towards bathroom---Thats how you treat a hungry
person? What am I going to wear?
I walked towards the kitchen, looked over my shoulder to find as what
you were doing. I saw that you were sporting a grin by looking my
back. All my tendrils burnt in your amorous lewd gaze. I felt someone
poured boiling lava on my back.
I was so agitated that I screamed at you---GO INSIDE.
---I am coming out in a towel.
---NO, I will give you something.
While preparing your dinner, I kept on thinking that What made you
appear in my house at that point of time? Was that my diary? No, I
remember that I kept that in my laptop bag and it my laptop bag is
lying on my table. Then what? And how come you got my address?
I was so much engrossed in my thoughts and same time smiling inside
me. My heart was skipping like a puerile fawn, frolicking in green
meadows.
My string of thought broke when I heard your footstep approaching
the kitchen. I looked over my shoulder only to find that you were
standing there, wrapped in a towel around your waist. I could not stop
laughing at you.
I asked you---Get one of my cotton saree from the cupboard and
wrap that.
You bowed your head as obedient dog---Ok as madam wishes.
I asked you---How you got my address?
Your eyes grazed over my face. I blushed to find your eyes fixated on
my red lips.
You gave me a sweet smile---A sexy lady gave me.
I understood from your answer that you have called Maithili and she
gave you the address.
---That is why she asked me whether I was alone in the house or
not?
You exclaimed and threw your arms in air in veiled despair---Oh, she
called you? Churni promised me that she is not going to tell you
anything.
I
wanted
to
give
you
a
surprise.
---You have already surprised me, Abhi. Why are you here?
You pleaded---Paree, I am hungry. Please give the dinner.
The moment I heard my name from your lips, my heart melted and it
flowed down my cheeks---Go change yourself; I am waiting at the
table.
You went inside the bedroom. I arranged rice, dal, onion and salt in a
plate and sat on the table. I waited for you but you were not coming
out of the bedroom. There was no noise. I was curious as what was
taking you so long. I tiptoed to the bedroom and what I saw made me
to bit my lower lips hard and cry.
You were kneeled down on the floor, beside our Angel, stooped down
and looking lovingly over his cute sleeping face. In the low light of the
bedroom, I observed that tears drops rolled down your cheeks. You
took his hand in yours and rubbed his soft palms over your unshaved
cheeks. You were crying and rubbing his palms all over your cheek.
You were gently shaking your head in dismay and pain. I came near
you and sat beside you on the floor.
You did not looked up but whispered to me in a choked voice---I
missed his first step, his first word, and his first turn. I do not want to
miss his graduation convocation ceremony; I do not want to miss his

first day at his job. I dont want to miss anything.
I sobbed and rested my head on your right shoulder and held your
hand
tightly---You
are
not
going
to
miss
anything.
I tried to suck every bit of your warmth emancipating from your bare
arm to burn me down and fill my heart with a halo of peace. We sat
there weeping, for how long we did not know. You repeatedly rubbed
his soft palms all over your cheeks and I rubbed my cheeks on your
shoulder.
I felt that you were hungry so I wiped my eyes and pinched you--You devil, are not you hungry? Come to the dining table.
You looked at my face and turned towards me, took my face between
your palms and I closed my eyes. My hand came up over your
shoulder and I held you by the back of your head. I parted my lips to
taste the honey I missed for a decade. I felt your lips grazing over
mine and your arms were around my waist. You pulled me into you. I
felt to shrink myself into a tiny drop of blood and hide myself in your
heart so that no one could take me apart from you, never. I felt your
warm breath flooded my warm face, deluging my lips with your honey
from your lips. You squashed my soft lips and I ran my fingers on your
hair pulling your face more into mine so as not to leave you again.
Your arms were crushing me; my slender soft figure was melting like a
piece of butter in touch of a hot plate. Our emotions were flooding
through our eyes. We both were sobbing and kissing each other
frantically. You made me hungrier and never wanted to end that kiss. I
was breathing hard, my bosom crushed and flattened on your chest. I
felt that each pores of my body opened up. I stopped to take the
breath and looked at you with glistening and smiling eyes. You did not
lose your grip around my waist, and I enjoyed every bit of warmth on
your lap.
I joked at you by seeing your painful sniveled eyes---The dinner is
getting cold.
You gave desperate smile at me trying to kiss me again. I put my right
index finger on your lips and said---I want to hear everything then
you can .
I stood up leaving you thirsty, and I was enjoying your thirst. I walked
to the cupboard, took out one ordinary cotton blue saree, and threw
that to you asked you to wrap that around you. You took that smelled
my fragrance out of the saree; I laughed at you and shook my head
You naughty fellow
I waved my index finger at you and asked you to come for dinner, as it
was getting cold. You wrapped my saree and walked behind me.
I asked you---Now tell me everything else you are not getting
dinner.
You gave a pleading smile at me and said---I am not hungry after
seeing you.
I shook my head and mashed the rice and pulses---Start or my Angel
will kill you.
---I am waiting to die in your Angels arm.
I pushed a handful of mashed rice in your mouth---Ok, now tell me

everything. You started chewing. While you were chewing the rice, it
reminded me the night you came running for me from Kolkata after
your encounter with your sexy, Churni. I laughed, looking at your face
as you were also thinking the same.
You started to tell me your part of the tale---I was the last person to
come out the flight as I was very tired. I walked slowly towards the
conveyer belt, hoping to get to home as soon as possible and hit the
bed. All of a sudden, I saw you and your cub. I was surprised and all
my tiredness was blown away. He smiled at me. I waved my fingers at
him. I could not restrain myself from adoring you from the back. I
thought that lightening does not strike twice in the same place, even if
it strikes then it is HIS will, however, I was unable to apprehend what
HE meant to say to us. I trotted slowly behind you, kneeled down
before your fawn, who smiled and leapt on my lap. My heart was
thumping very hard inside my chest as if it wanted to tear apart my
lungs and leap out. I was in tears as he touched me, wrapped his tiny
hands around my neck.
I was very happy to see you both, again. When I asked you to come
with me, and you stopped, I felt very agitated that what a stupid
question I asked you. I apologized to you but to my sheer amazement,
you accepted my invitation and I was in seventh heaven.
I wanted to talk to you badly, however, every time I wanted to speak
up, it strained my soul that you were married and I have no right to
storm into your blissful marital life. For the whole night, I could not
sleep and I kept on lamenting on my doomed fate. I asked myself and
pleaded to HIM, that why he allowed us to met again? HE did not
answer but only gave a peaceful smile. Even after seeing HIM smile, I
was
unable
to
fathom
as
what
was
coming
next.
I knew that I would not be able to stand in front of you while you
depart again. It reminded me of the Kalka station. You went away;
tears were flowing down your cheeks. I stood there alone in the dark
cold night. Therefore, I called one of my juniors and asked him to give
me a call in the morning so that I can make a pretext of office. Whole
day, I was unable to concentrate. I was very restless and puffed
almost a score of cigarettes.
I asked you---You were so much agitated, then why did not you ask
me why I married?
You said---I knew that you were married under pressure. Kalyani told
me, so it was immaterial to ask you that question.
I was curious to know that what made you change your decision--What made you think the other?
Each time I was putting rice in your mouth as usual naughty, you
lingered your lips on my fingers. You licked my fingers and I was
feeling tingly all over my arms. You did not stop licking my fingers and
I had to pull out fingers forcibly from your mouth.

---I came home, driver handed me the keys. I opened the door and
stood dumbfounded. My house was looking very different. In every
place, I saw your touch. Beds were done neatly, all the utensils in the
kitchen were glistening brightly, and the floor and the walls were
clean. I walked up the fridge and read the yellow sticker that you put
on the door. I read those lines repeatedly and closed my eyes. I was
feeling that I was again lost in oblivion. Your face came in front of my
tearful eyes. The glisten of the diamond ring restrained me to talk to
you. I kept on looking at the diamond ring. I cursed myself as why
that diamond ring was not of mine?
I smiled at you and said---The diamond ring was not from my late
husband even.
You shook your head and said---I know, my sexy damsel told me
that.
---Then what happened?
---I kept on thinking about your marriage. Suddenly it dawned to me
that my mom searched for a groom for you, so he should be a Bengali.
However, there was no iron bangle on your wrist, which is a sign for
every Bengali married woman. I felt a jolt in my head, that what on
the earth could have happened to you. I picked up the phone and
dialed my sexy damsels number.
I was very annoyed as you were addressing Maithili, sexy damsel
every time. I scolded you---Will you stop calling Churni by that name?
She really repents on her words, she said to you that night.
---Come on I am joking.
---Ok, then what?
---I called her, Subroto picked up the phone. He was not expecting
my call, so he was unable to recognize my voice. I said him how are
you doing bloody swine? He got very agitated that some unknown
person was calling him swine on the phone.
I laughed at you---You called Subroto Da, Swine?
---Yes, then he started hurling me abuses on the phone.
---It is natural.
---I was enjoying his abuses and to make him angrier I asked him to
hand over the phone to my sexy girlfriend. His brain was blown
through the roof by hearing those lewd words on the phone.
I laughed out loudly upon hearing you---You told Subroto Da that you
want to talk to his wife and that also like hi I wanna talk to my sexy
girlfriend ?
You laughed after finishing the dinner. I asked you to wash your face.
I sat on the couch and you came and sat on the floor between my
legs. You leaned back and rested your head on my lap and I started to
comb your hair. I stooped down to kiss your forehead. You had your
eyes closed while my lips lingered over your forehead. Our glasses
were fighting with each other.
You joked at me---First it was my mom, and now it is this glasses.
I took off my glasses---Mine is very low power, what about yours?
---Minus five.
---Oh! God, then if you take off glasses then you are blind.
---I can see you from a mile even if I dont wear any glasses.
I passed my arms around your shoulder and rested on your bare
chest. I asked you to continue.
---I thought that it is better to break the ice as I was very much
anxious as what you were doing. Therefore, I revealed my identity to
him. He was dumbfounded he forgot to speak. Same thing happened
to me on the other side. I was choked when I told him that I was sorry
for what all pains I gave to them. His voice shook like a twig; he said
to me that he would kill me when he meets me. I told him that I am
dying to meet him.
He then handed the phone to Churni. We both remained silent for few
seconds. We both lost our vocabulary. I spoke first and asked her how
she was doing. She started to sob, and she kept on lamenting that she
was sorry for what all she said to me. I was unable to understand how
to console her. I said to her that all was okay. She screamed at me
that no nothing was ok. I was unable to understand as what she
meant to say. Then she started telling me all about you. I kept of
hearing. She went on telling how you were married, how you received
the letter, how you had your first miscarriage.
I was choked as you reminded me my dark painful past. My tears
dropped on your eyes and that made you to stop your words. You
looked
at
me
and
said---Ok
I
am
sorry.
I wiped my tears---No, thats ok. Now you are with me, so I am not
afraid of dark. I asked you to continue.
---She talked to me for an hour. I sat there on my bed, writhing in
pain and agony. I tried hard to put myself in your shoes to apprehend
those pains that you had to bear. I clenched my fist and banged my
forehead repeatedly. She screamed at me what are you waiting for,
go get her, else I am going to kill you now, and this time I mean real.
I wiped my eyes and whispered in the phone that I adore her most.
She sobbed out at me that she knew what I meant to say.
I asked my driver to bring the car. I checked on the net about the
flights. There was a late night low cost airline flight to Kolkata and I
am here for dinner.
I asked you---So you have not called your mom?

---Yes I called once I got my boarding pass, I called your ChotoMa.
She was in a state of shock to hear my voice after a decade. She was
elated and cried out on the phone.
Your looked at me with squint eyes and asked me---Do you know
what she told to me?
---What?
---She said to me to bring her grandson home. My angst did not wean
so I asked her, if she wanted her grandson so badly then why she did
this to us. She cried out, asked me repeatedly that she want to meet
her grandson, and asked me to bring him back. I shook my head and
promised her that I am coming to bring her grandson back.
You finished your part of the story and we both sat there benumbed
with tearful eyes. We were looking into each others eyes.
I asked you whether you wanted to sleep or not. You said to me that
you were dying to sleep beside our Angel. I smiled at you and asked
you to take rest.
You asked me---What are you going to do now, take some rest?
I smiled at you and said---I am having new blood in my veins. I have
new strength in my body. I have lots of work to do.
You asked me---What?
I said---At first I will mail my resignation to my institute, and then
prepare for the day. We have to goto ChotoMas house and Maithili is
coming.
So
I
have
to
goto
market
also.
You were surprised when I said that I would resign, you asked me--Why resign, I can come to Kolkata.
I walked up to you and you held me in your arms, pulled me to your
chest. I wrapped my arms around your body tightly and rested my
face on your chest. I enjoyed your heartbeat on my ear. I whispered
to you---I am very tired Abhi, I want to take rest and go home. Take
me home, Abhi. I wanted to live my life and now I have it. I have the
thief of my heart and my angel. My world starts from both of you and
ends
in
both
of
you.
I
dont
want
anything.
You hugged me with all your strength, kissed my head and rubbed
your nose on my scalp. I sobbed as I felt your nose tip rubbing in my
hair. I planted small kisses on your chest, over your warm skin. We
stood there as of the time stopped around us, we basked in the glory
of our unison.
I asked you whether you were feeling sleepy or not, you said that you
were not at all tired. You said that you were feeling rejuvenated.
I asked you what kept you alive in the last ten years. You said that
you had an old handkerchief and the fragrance of that handkerchief
kept you alive. I wanted to see that handkerchief. We walked to the
bedroom and you took out the handkerchief from your purse. It was
no more white; it was pale yellow. I took that piece of silk cloth in my
fingers and brought it to my nose. It did not smell good.
I shrinked my nose and joked at you---You lived with this piece of silk
cloth?
You nodded---Yes, and now I want a replacement of that.
I shook my head and said to you---This time you are not getting any
replacement of that. Last time it replaced me, I do not want anything
of
mine
to
replace
me
this
time.
Understand.
You bowed down---Yes madam.
Suddenly Abhi cried out in his sleep. You leapt on the bed and rubbed
his chest, he peacefully closed his eyes. I looked at both of you. You
placed your index finger on your lips, gestured me to keep quiet. I
shrinked my eyebrows and looked at both of you. You pulled a pillow
and lay down beside him, softly hugging him in your arms. I covered
my lips with both my palms as I felt crying. The sight was
overwhelming for me, both my love and affection was together. You
close your eyes as you were tired and after some time you swooned
away in deep slumber.
I walked out to the balcony. Outstretched my arms above my head. I
took a deep breath of fresh air blowing from the park situated in front
of my apartment. The birds were chirping outside. The sun was
peeping from the east horizon. It was a new dawn for both of us.
Chapter 5: Retire to Heaven (#1)
Chapter 5: Retire to Heaven
The time our car crossed the Rakcham bridge, the sun already went
down behind the hills on the west. The road was as usual a narrow and
coarse one as it was a decade ago. Nothing in that part of the country
has changed much. My angel vomited and was ill, the entire journey.
That was his first time a trip with all his family and that too to his
dream place ice-cream mountain. Probably he dreamt of those places
when he was in my womb, as his mother also loves those snow-clad
mountains. His illness made our journey bit painful and slowed us
down. He was sleeping on my lap and Abhimanyu was seated on the
front seat with the driver, navigating along with him, as the road was
dark.
I was looking out of the window recalling the past few months, which
was full of events.
ChotoMa and Babu found their lost son along with their daughter-inlaw whom they spurned decade ago and wanted to have me as their
daughter instead. They tried to change the course of the river and it
was HIS wish at last that the river met the ocean instead of
squandering off in oblivion. However, Abhi did not want to stay in
Kolkata, he cited the reason that the wall was too high to cross over
and we returned to New Delhi. A new place for me a new life for all of
us.
Many things around us had changed after our lives were conjoined. I
left my job in Saha Institute, Dr. Sarkar requested me repeatedly that
he could contact his peers in IIT-Delhi and he could help me in getting
a job there. Abhimanyu was not against that, but I was happy with
what I got. I wanted to take rest. I wanted to do something for Maithili
and Kalyani as they helped me a lot in those past ten years. We sold
all my household furniture and whatever money we got, we both gifted
to Titli and Pubali for their future.
Dushtu was studying in his second year in college in arts stream. He
was very happy to see Abhimanyu back again. Abhi teased him Want
to hear that story of the thief and the fairy? He blushed and said to
him I will steal my own fairy like you stole yours. He said to Dushtu
I
will
be
eagerly
waiting
to
hear
your
story.
The day we left Kolkata, it was summer but it was raining hard not
from the sky but from every ones eyes whoever came to bid us
goodbye at the airport. I looked at my sons face and my heartthrobs
face with sniveled eyes. Their face gave me the strength and I walked
with a smiling face to the security check, waving to our relatives.
My string of thought broke as my Angel shivered on my lap and I
cuddled across my bosom to give him warmth. He opened up his
beautiful
big
eyes
and
smiled
at
me.
I
smiled
back
at
him
and
asked---What
happened?
---Drink juice.
I opened the can of frooti and he sipped it. I asked Abhi---Do you
want to drink or eat anything?
He was so much engrossed looking for the road that he could not hear
as what I asked him. I slapped on the back of his head and asked him
again---Want to eat something; can we stop somewhere?
He looked over his shoulder and said---We cant stop right now as the
road is narrow and dangerous.
My
Angel
cried
out---I
want
to
goto
Dyada.
He looked behind, stretched his arms and angel leapt on his lap. I
asked him---Now cool your heels there and dont bother me, till the
car stops.
I asked Abhi---Nothing has actually changed here; it is same as we
came here ten years ago.
He smiled and said to me---My Eve, change in this world is evitable.
If the world does not change then it will die. It is dark outside so we
are unable to see what has changed and what not.
---But the bumps on the road that I am experiencing is same as what
I experienced years ago. He looked at me over his shoulder and
winked at me. His gesture turned me red, as I knew what he meant to
say. My heart thumped rapidly inside my chest when the
reminiscences of first nights fight came in front of my eyes. I slapped
coyly
on
the
back
of
his
head
to
vent
my
blush.
He winked at me again and then said---This time no morning, dear. I
bit my lower lips as it reminded me how we lose ourselves the morning
after that first fight.
I looked outside the window into the dark. I saw that Abhi and Paree
were fighting in that night and then he came near Paree and snuggled
into her blanket. Paree closed her eyes, took his hand on her chest
and swooned into blissful slumber, in peace.
I bent forward and whispered in his ears---This time we have a

laptop.
He stretched back his neck and rubbed his tip gently on my left cheek
and whispered---After putting it in sleep mode. I laughed at him.
The time we reached Chitkul, it was eight oclock in the night and it
was pitch black as usual. We were fortunate to get the same room in
the same hotel. I asked Abhi how he managed. He smiled at me and
said that he arranged that beforehand. He had called the manager and
booked the room. I asked him why did not informed me previously. He
gave me a sleek smile and said he wanted to surprise me.
My angel was looking around he looked very depressed. I asked him
as what has happened. His juvenile voice voiced his concern that he
was unable to see and askeem mountain. We both laughed at him as
that was the same question I asked Abhimanyu years ago. My angel
looked
up
the
sky
and
threw
his
arms
in
the
air.
He shouted in his puerile voice---Mamma see twinkle twinkle stars.
The sky was full of twinkling stars.
Abhi looked at me and said---So Mrs. Talukdar, happy to be in our
peaceful heaven?
I took a deep breath and filled my lungs with the fresh air of hills and
greens. Although it was pitch black around us but we knew that we
were in the midst of heavenly wilderness. I could hear the river
rustling over the stones, singing on its way to meet the ocean.
My Angel was frolicking like a sparrow on a paddy field as if he has all
he wanted in his life. We both smiled on beholding his happiness.
He called out---Dyada where is askeem mountain? Abhi took him on
his lap and said---Askeem mountain will come in view as the morning
comes. We have to sleep as of now.
He nodded his head in anger---I will not sleep till I see askeem
mountain.
Somehow, he was persuaded him that in night, there were dangerous
people who have stolen the askeem mountain from its place; they
would return his askeem mountain as when the sunrays would fall on
them. He was happy to know that sunrays would kill those bad people
and return his askeem mountain. We both laughed on his juvenile
queries and concerns.
After dinner, I lay on bed, trying hard to put my angel in sleep. The
naughty fawn of ours was busy in his mischievous antics. The weather
outside was not so cold so I was in a flimsy nightdress. I looked at
him;
he
was
looking
outside
the
window.
I looked at my angel; his eyes were becoming dim with tiredness. I
cuddled him to give him the warmth of my bosom so that he can sleep
in the warmth of his mother. He looked at me and before closing his
eyes
he
asked
me---Mamma
askeem
mountain?
He heard his words said---askeem mountain is just beyond this
window. In the morning you will be the first to see the askeem
mountain as the devils keep it there.
---Promise?
---Promise.
I looked at Abhi; his strong embrace once made me mad and brought
me to this heaven. I felt melting once again as he looked at me with
his
squint
eyes
as
if
saying
Are
you
ready
baby?
He sat on the edge of the bed and traced my left foot with his index
finger. A turbulence gathered on my bosom and my left calve melted.
The sweet tingle left all my pores of my calf to unfurl.
I whispered in husky tone---He has not slept yet and you devil
He kept on rubbing my calf gently under the dress. His hot touch made
my skin warm as if someone poured amber on my creamy skin. I
hissed out again---What are you doing, stop? His amorous gaze
pierced my eyes and I felt jelly inside my heart. He stooped down
slowly, blew hot breath on my feet and kissed my toe softly.
I died on that spot and kicked him on his broad muscular chest---Go
away now. He walked toward the window, halfheartedly shaking his
head and smiling at me.
He kept me writhing on the bed beside my angel. My angel already
slept holding my gown in his tiny clutch. I somehow, freed myself
slowly
from
his
clutch
so
as
not
to
wake
him
up.
Abhi was standing by the window looking deep into the dark night
towards the silhouette of the mountain. I walked near him and
wrapped my soft slender arms around his strong torso. He held my
hands tightly across his chest and bends his head back to meet my
cheek with his lips.
He whispered in my ears---Missed you lot in all these years.
I clawed on his left chest over his heart and said---I was here always,
thats why I came back.
He turned towards me, took my face between my palms and looked
deeply in my eyes. My eyes were also glistening with love as were his.
My lips quivered, I cooed out---For once I thought that I was lost in
oblivion forever. I thought that I would never be able to meet you in
my life.
I closed my eyes when I sensed that his face was too near to me. He
placed his lips on my forehead and kissed softly. I took a deep breath
to fill my lungs with his musky odour of sweat and heat. I missed this
odour for a long time. I took few deep breaths, my bosom heaved
across his strong muscular chest. I could feel my bosom catching fire
as I pulled him more into me. He started to trace his tongue tip on my
brows and I went meek in his arms. I parted my lips and it quivered
like wanton petals wanting to be chewed.
I felt his lips crushed on mine, sucking all my breath out of my mouth.
His hands roamed on my back, traced my spine sending spasms all
over my body. I clawed my fingers in his hair and frantically gnawed
his scalp as if to tear apart all his hair from his head. He kept on
mauling my lips, we were unable to quench our thirst of decade long
separation. Emotions flowed from my eyes as I felt his finger on the

back of head, tracing all his fingers over my scalp.
He left my lips after sometime, I was breathing heavily unable to open
my eyes. I could feel that my bosom was pulsating with huge waves.
He placed his arms around me under my back and pulled me up in the
air on his lap. I opened my glistening eyes and placed my hand on his
shoulder to support me. He rubbed his face, nose, lips over my soft
bosom over the flimsy fabric. The friction was too much for me. I had
goose bumps all over my skin. I felt very secure in his strong embrace.
I felt that no one in this world could make us apart. The attractive
force was overwhelming. My hair danced down on his face. He looked
at me amorously and smelled the fragrance of my hair. My lips were
parted and I looked in his eyes---What are you looking at?
He whispered---My fairy of dreams.
He sat on the chair and made me sat on his lap. I perched my legs on
both sides of his thighs and wrapped my arms around his neck. I
pulled his face on my wanton bosom, which voraciously wanted to be
mauled by my stud. He did not keep himself away for long to devour
my nectar. His hands came down on my narrow waist pulled up the
fabric and exposed me in the dim light of the room. The cold hair felt
awesome on my hot skin. His fingers dug deep all over my soft flesh,
kneading them as his will. I felt him pulsating under my wanton
pressure. He kept for playing with my svelte figurine until I was insane
in lust and desired him to through me in the inferno of passion.
He kept on chewing the soft flesh of my bosom until my creamy dough
has turned red. I had my eyes closed and head thrown back as he kept
on chewing the peak of my mounds. I was feeling jelly and sweaty all
over my body. I was thumping myself hard on his lap like an insane
animal wanting for solace in the arms of her beloved.
He pulled me up a bit from his lap and then slowly placed me again on
his lap. I hissed out---I am dying. All my emotions flowed in forms of
tears as we met each other in a heavenly bliss. We wade slowly into
the river of love, flooding each other soul to the brim. He kept on
churning me, burning me all over my loins and soul. He kept on
throwing me repeatedly in the deep gorge of passion. We played and
frolicked for the entire night until we drop dead with our mingled
honey.
He scooped me on his lap, lay me down on the bed and cuddled me
with all his strength. I wanted the time to stop so that he could love
me for eternity.
And so is Life......
And so is Life.......
(In a scolding voice) Are you coming to bed or not?

Just ten minutes, Paree. This is a very good movie.
You and your movies will never end. You are a pain, a real pain.
Oh! Come on now dont start in the middle of the night.
Who starts? It is you who instigate me. Tell me one instance when I
started.
Ok, baba it is my entire fault, now will you keep quiet.
You have a list of things to do tomorrow.
Yeah I know
No, you dont. You always forget.
No I dont forget. I do everything.
Ok, tell me have you deposited the cheque in ChotoMas account?
Oh! Damn I forgot that. I am sorry Paree, please forgive. I will
deposit that tomorrow.
See, I who was wrong and you tell me that I start?
Ok ok, I will surely deposit that cheque tomorrow.
There are other things to do tomorrow.
Now what?
First thing in the morning is that you have to take the car to the
servicing centre, then goto deposit the electric bill and then .
What electric bill? I thought you have already paid for that.
(in a high pitch voice) Do I have to pay all the bills? Dont you have
any
responsibility
of
the
house?
What
do
you
do?
Oh!
Now
dont
shout
like
that.
What
else?
What else? Telephone bill is also pending. Do you know that it is
pending for three months now? The will disconnect the connection next
month if you dont pay.
Ok, I will go. Now will you let me finish this movie?
You and your movies. You will never get tired of watching the same
movies a thousand times.
Oh! Paree this is a lovely movie, now dont disturb.
Oh!
Now
you
find
me
disturbing
element.
I did not mean that, dear.
Then what, can you tell me what you did last weekend?
What?
Last weekend, you lay down in this couch for whole two days
watching movies only. And same thing is happening with our son.
Oh I get tired of working the whole week so I take rest.

Can you tell me when I take rest?
Why, you stay at home for the whole day. You have rest for the whole
day, dear.
Ok, Abhi. I am not going to cook tomorrow. I want an off day from
kitchen, tomorrow.
Why do you have to nag every time? I said that I will complete those
tomorrow, ok. Now peace.
Peace? Huh, I will get peace
Do you listen to what I say?
which
is
distant
dream.
What you have asked me and I have not listened. Tell me one point,
Abhi I will rub my nose on the floor.
I have been asking you to consult the doctor regarding your spine
ache. Have you considered that yet?
I will not consult the doctor till you kick smoking.
Oh now dont come to my smoking.
I sometimes think that you dont love me at all. If you had then you
would have kicked smoking. You promised me ten years ago and
then
Then what?
Then what? At that point of time just to impress me you kicked the
butt
for
few
months
and
then
you
started
again.
That is the only thing I have.
Ok so you mean to say that cigarette is more close to you than me?
Now dont change the subject. You started with the bills.
The main point is that you dont love me anymore. See, I can give
you a thousand of instances.
I
dont
want
to
hear
What enough? I am not finished yet.
those,
now
enough.
Ok continue then. But close the door behind you and then you can
continue.
I feel like banging my head on the wall. I dont want to nag if you had
remembered everything I told to you.
Now what else I have forgot.

You forget everything. How many times you have called ChotoMa in
past two months? Tell me. When Maithili calls, for how many times you
have answered their call?
Oh! Now what should I talk to them?
That also I have to tell you what you have to say to them?
Those queries are universal like how are you, what are you doing. I
dont feel like talking.
OK, be with your TV. Sometimes I feel that I should take an iron rod
and bang on that TV and then bang on your head.
You already banged my head ten years ago.
That was the biggest mistake in my entire life I had. (laughing
sweetly) but that was a sweet mistake although. Now come to bed will
you? It is already midnight.
. And thus how Mr. Abhimanyu Talukdar and Mrs. Suchismita
Talukdar loved eachother.
Genesis of their Life.

Dawn at Midnight

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Dawn at Midnight

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Part 1: Transmigration : Chapter 1: Princess in an ivory cage

Vacation. Durga Puja was to come in October. People were roaming on

Chapter 1: Princess in an ivory cage (# 3)

She asked me to buy whatever I liked. I had to put a veil on my heart

years old. Only a mother understands what happens when her

He laughed at me on hearing my question---Hey Mita, if I start

me after the lunch break and asked me What happened to you?

I asked her the reason. She smiled coyly at us and said---Yesterday, I

I winked at her and said---Why sorry? and then whispered in her

contacted me. Why she didnt contact? ChotoMa asked me thousands

She rubbed her soothing palm on my cheeks and said---Your Bodo

He took a long breadth; I bit my lower lips to control myself, prepared

Chapter 4: Console bleeding heart (#1)

Mourning ceremony was to be held after thirteen days so I had to stay

She looked at me with big surprised eyes---WHAT? He has gone away

Instead ChotoMa smiled sweetly at her and asked---How are you?

from my lips. I buried all those cries deep inside my heart.

normal. No one talked about buying me a cell-phone. I was skeptical

She gave me his mobile number.

Teesta came to my rescue---No, no. I was also thinking of Sunday.

I couldnt understand as what he addressed to me and I asked Delisha

I shook my head and told to myself I know what you were

friend. But Debobroto, I have nothing to say to you.

Why? Babu asked, You love hills.

From that night, I started writing my memoirs in that Optics

---Time will heal. You have to accept what is to come.

College started. Days passed. There was no communication received

From that day, my reactions for my foster parents started to change.

I smiled back at her---How do you know?

breaking I felt. Already after Subrotos marriage, the kitchen was

him say those words. Debobroto was unaware of her reactions as he

wiped the corner of my eyes and walked away from there.

I cried out to ChotoMa---What happened?

to the tree he planted in the backyard. I plucked a twig and wrapped

I hesitated little and then smiled back at him---Suchismita.

He bent towards me and looked at my smiling face and said---My

Chapter 1: Fairy Surrender (#5)

The fateful Sunday arrived. As usual, I bathed in morning and dressed

ChotoMa and said to her---I need a moment.

My reflection said to me So there you are at last. Smile and embrace

---How are you, Suchi? Have you slept already?

---What is the harm? I have few unanswered queries. Just need to

I was unfazed on his reactions---No. But I have to ask ChotoMa.

On that Sunday, he took me out. I was in blue salwar suit. I dressed

I smiled and said---I have no choice of colours. Whatever you feel

informed them that I was getting

I was not clear as what they were trying to make me understand so I

eye shades on the eyelids. My hair was tied in a bun, graced by

She called Shasanko Da and Subroto Da to carry me on the wooden

I wiped my tears and looked at him. I exhaled a deep gush out of my

After sometime I asked him---Himadri, you promised me that you will

He was surprised by my answer---You dont know? How can that be?

He hugged me tightly and pressed his head on my cleavage. He was

Yes, I made that promise. It was half heartedly. Why it was

I stretched my arms overhead. His lewd gaze on my bosom made me

By the evening we were in our cottage. I changed myself to a simple

head---ChotoMa, you are too much concerned.

I pulled up and rested on my elbow and looked at his face---Why?

Niladri to be present to greet us. I ran towards ChotoMa and hugged

Chapter 4: Neoteric Vista (#1)

---I am not concerned whether you are ok or my mother is ok. What

---Yes. What is the harm? I want to see where you work.

He whispered in my ears---And you know very well that how much I

---No, we do blasting of coal. I will explain you. See as we go on