Professional Documents
Culture Documents
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1/00
Version date:
Aug 2002
Collated by:
http://Gasonga.com/
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Jokes
Problems
The boss of a big company needs to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with the main computer. He dials the employee's home
phone number and is greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling putout at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the
boss asks,
"Is your daddy home?" "Yes," whispers the small voice.
"May I speak to him?
"No." The small voice replies.
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asks,
"Is your mommy there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
No, The small voice whispers.
Thinking that it would be unlikely for a child to be left at home alone, the
boss decides he will just leave a message with the child minder.
"Is anyone there besides you?" the boss asks the child.
"Yes" whispers the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asks,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," The child, whispers
"Busy doing what?" asks the boss.
"Talking to mommy, daddy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asks, "What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"Whats going on?" asks the boss, now alarmed.
The child answers, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asks,
"What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replies
along with a muffled giggle: "Me!
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19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to
excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to
find out how they do it.
20. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that
a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built
the Titanic.
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You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty
good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your coworkers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to
do is breathe...very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until
the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been
cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter
what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and
now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along
the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift
the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up
with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the
world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is
short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help
now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you
there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died
back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are
convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that
you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is
now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as
you try to climb into bed.
She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
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Jokes
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
The Sahara
Two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water,
but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village
where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and
ask if they can buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next
stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry,"
says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is
this?"
By now the guys are desperate. They go to the next stall, only to be told,
"Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says, "This bazaar
is a trifle!"
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A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
The barman says, "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why not?" asks the brain
"Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
A chemist was robbed of a large quantity of viagra tablets last week.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Bruce
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got
me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says "Strewth Sheila...Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real
sport too." And drives off.
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Have you heard the creators of KY Jelly have produced a new product?
It's called Y2K Jelly. Why's it so special? Well, it allows you to get four
digits in your date instead of two
Job Ads
Wanted Insurance loss adjuster needed.
Apply to Mr. Risk
Wanted alcoholics anonymous manager
Apply to Mustafa Beer
Curtain maker needed
Contact Mrs. Sash
Wanted Rabbit hutch repairman.
Applications to Warren.
Wanted Dog Walkers,
Must be able to take the lead.
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Jokes
A man falls asleep on the beach under the mid-day sun and suffers severe
sunburn to his legs. Hes taken to hospital and by the time he gets there
his skin has turned bright red. Anything that touches his legs causes him
tremendous pain.
The doctor takes a long look at him and then prescribes: intravenous
feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
The nurse is astounded and asks, "What good will Viagra do him in that
condition?"
Simple, replies the doctor, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
The barman says, "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why not?" asks the brain
"Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
A woman with a fifty-pound note stuck in each ear arrives at a bank and
asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the manageoffice
and says, "There's a woman to see you, and shes 100 in arrears."
Blonde Driver
A blonde is driving down the motorway when her cars phone rings. Her
husband shouts, Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way down the M5. Please be careful!
It's not just one car! says the blonde, There's bloody hundreds of
them!
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couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Roger can get their
instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas.
Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.
Freddy:
We could hear you all banging away
Rod:
Banging can be fun.
Jane:
Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with
Rod and Freddy.
Freddy ( looking sad )
Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument.
Rod ( to Jane )
Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm
twanging
away?
Jane:
Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But
would you like to play with my maracas?
Zippy:
No, let's just pluck away with our twangers.
George:
Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is.
Zippy:
I've got a big red one.
George:
I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I
like to
play with it.
Geoffrey (to viewers): Well, have you got your twangers out? And
remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got
any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking
song.
Everyone in studio:
Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all
day.
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