22.

 Spending A Little Longer Than Necessary Listening To Another Departments Hold

Music

Never before has Classic FM been so seductively enchanting. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to
have that call picked up in your weekly monitoring, no one is going to know you’ve spent an added
40 seconds enjoying M People’s “Search For A Hero”. Just look busy.

21. When Your Manager Announces An Early Finish

“But only two of you can go.”

Oh, this is awkward. Especially when the entire team want to do a Tasmanian Devil whirlwind out of
the place right that second. It’s a battle of morals and selfishness as you weigh it out with the others.
Some have children to pick up from school; you just want to be released from Hell.

20. ‘The Systems Are All Back Up And Running Now’

Could you just, not? We were all thoroughly enjoying that wonderfully unheralded tea break whilst
the systems went down. Now its back to a queue of further-disgruntled customers because they
couldn’t get through before. Yippee.

19. The Never-Ending Amazement At Customer’s Phonetic Alphabet Skills

“Is that Q for Quebec?” “No, Q for cube.”

Give. Us. Strength.

Fair enough, not everyone needs to know the military-like phonetics that form a call-centre worker’s
language: but, c’mon, ‘N’ for envelope?! I fear for your children.

18. The Comfort Of Knowing Your Work Mate is Just As Hungover As You

Mouthing “I’m dying” from across the room and seeing their despairing reply of “Me too” is the
closest thing to your bed and a fried breakfast you’re gonna get.

Knowing someone else is suffering the same fate as you makes getting through the next eight hours
a lot less daunting. If we die, we die together.

17. The Fine Line Between Joy And Anxiety When There Is Time Between Calls

Zero in the queue? Perfect, I’ll use this opportunity to tell a really funny story to the person sitting
next to me. 1, 2, 3 aaaaaand *beep*.

Even worse, the moment of peace you finally find to hastily tuck into that chocolate bar you’ve been
saving is forever ruined by damn inconsiderate phone-owners. But the snack must be finished.
Dislocate your jaw if you have to. If that snake could swallow that crocodile whole last week, you can
devour that Snickers bar in 0.3 seconds.
16. Needing A Manager’s Help, And Realising You’ve Got A Better Chance Of Speaking To
Jesus

As soon as you raise your butt from that seat, ready to head to the Manager’s general direction,
suddenly – WHOOSH – they’re off. It’s like they have an inbuilt sensor when you’re about to ask
them a tricky question, leaving you to lurk awkwardly in front of the rest of the call centre

15. How You Feel The Night Before A 10 Hour Shift

If anyone tells you to cheer up, you have full permission to get them in the headlock and only let go
when it starts to get murderous. I’m a good person, right? A good person! What did I do to deserve
this? *wails*

14. Seeing Your Team Mate Getting Taken To A Disciplinary

We’ll be here when you get back, soldier. Stay strong. The worst thing that can happen is you get
sacked. Then you can start making meth, and let’s face it, the Breaking Bad life is better than this. In
fact, why am I here and not making meth?

13. The Awkward Small Talk Waiting For Your System To Load

Ah, that excruciating moment your screen freezes and you’re forced to engage in the dullest small
talk imaginable.

“What’s the weather like where you are?”

“I don’t know, I’m in an industrial cube of calls drowning in artificial life and the glare of computers.
Tell me more about this alien world of ‘outside’ you speak of”

12. Calling A Customer A [Swearword Of Your Choice]Your Work Mate Nods To Your
Mute Button

A“Oh what a tw*t this guy is!” you declare. Ensue mini-panic attack when the irrational thought you
may not have slipped the mute button stems into your consciousness. It’s like the inbuilt paranoia
freak-out when you think you forgot to lock your front door, only ten times worse.

11. When An Older Colleague Tells You They’ve Been Working There For 23547597 Years

Oh god. Am I too, going to die here? Scary thing is, the colleague telling you such a thing is fully
committed to the fact they’re there until they rot. What’s more, they’re happy about it.

God it makes you nauseous, doesn’t it?

10. When Your Manager Announces You Have An Hour Off The Phone For Training

Oh, the sweet, sweet euphoria as the boss tells you to wrap up and clock into ‘Meeting’.

In all sincerity: perhaps 60 minutes isn’t long enough? We have about five pages of questions we still
need to ask, and we’re pretty sure the company will go under if we don’t read PowerPoint
presentations until the clock strikes five.
9. Your Sincerity As You Say “I’m Very Sorry You Feel This Way”

The added hilarity when you squeeze in a “Of course we value you as a customer” and “I
understand” between their monotonous ranting.

I am trying to help you solve your first problem, Mr. Douchebag, but please, keep showering me with
additional rants and extraneous unrelated personal feelings. If you know everything, then why are
you calling us?

8. The Eye-Rolling Moment Your Customer Asks For A Manager

I’ll be happy to let you speak to my Manager… just give me a second to explain how much of a pest
you are to them.

This can however, be a blessing; like when you’re real tired of a customers cr*p and the M word is
mentioned even just once.

Your manager will try and get out of it, but you must not give in. The customer INSISTED and
wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Ah, put them through.” Shazam!

7. Starting As A ‘Temporary Thing’ And Still Working There 3 Years Later

How much of those 3 years have you spent threatening to walk out every hour of every day?  Or
fantasising about your epic resignation with the work mate who equally despises existence in that
place.

Again, there’s always the meth business.

6. Pensioners Messing Up Your Entire Call Time

The internal battle between politeness to elders and your monthly stats.

When that dear old lady on the other end starts telling you about her boiler, next door’s
granddaughter’s dog and how hard all these passwords are nowadays: she is NOT hanging up soon.
Please excuse me while I find my Give A Damn button…..oh I’m sorry, there are none left to give!

The call time is already 36 minutes, will this agony ever end?

5. The Glory Of Terminating A Call With An Abusive Customer

“If you swear at me one more time Mr Wilson, I will have to terminate this call.” “This is f**king ridi-”

Ciao! Farewell! Seeee ya, sucker!

There’s nothing more satisfying than releasing a call to that customer who has been on for the last
half hour, personally calling you every swearword under the sun and questioning your ability at the
job. Unless you’re the person that gets their call back. No fun, no fun at all.
4. The Joy As That Douche Of A Customer Fails DP

What’s that? You left you date of birth written down at home? Oh what a silly mistake to make, we
all do it!

The best line in the book: “Yes I understand you need to do these checks, but it’s my DAUGHTER.”
Of course, please hold on while we spill all that confidential information to a third party.  The best are
the ones that “Go to get their wife”, only to return to the phone with a dreadfully suspicious squeaky
lady-voice. Facepalm.

3. When A Call Comes Through 20 Seconds Before Wrap

Your heart just dropped into your stomach, didn’t it? Happy to help, Mr Customer… in the most
rushed, desperate and minimalist way possible. Please hang up and get on with your life so I can be
released from this prison.

Oh, and guess what? They don’t know their account number and must plough through every room of
their house to find it. Or they’re a first time sale that needs to hear the ENTIRE terms and conditions
when you’ve got a train to catch, a meal to eat with your family and a couch to sprawl upon, damn it.

Just wave slowly and open mouth cry at your colleagues as they discard their headsets and skip from
the office now. Life is a cruel game.

2. Being Offered Overtime At The Weekend

Anyone who does this makes us feel physically ill and needs seriously counselling. There’s not even a
second thought. Even if you’re so skint you’re surviving from sucking the nutrients from your jacket
sleeves.

Thank you for the ever-so-generous offer but I shall have to ferociously decline this one.

1. Financial Ombudsman: The ULTIMATE Threat

Oh, you know they’re mad when they bring up the big O.

“As soon as I hang up I’m cancelling my account with you, and then I’m going straight to the
Ombudsman.”

Then they’re going to Watchdog, and writing to the government: in reality they’re probably going
storm the house spitting blood for half an hour before settling back into that episode of Storage
Wars.

Excuse us while we give a damn.