Living on the Edge of Eternity

Author(s): Douglas Burton-Christie

Source: New Blackfriars, Vol. 79, No. 929/930 (July/August 1998), pp. 329-337
Published by: Wiley
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/43250146
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Living

Douglas

on

the

Edge

of Eternity

Burton-Christie
November,1997

Thiswas nota journeyI wantedto make. One ofmyoldestanddearest

friends,Donald Nicholl,was dyingof cancer in England.Travelling
there to see him meant, I knew, saying goodbye. And this was
I did notwantto do. I did notwantto face up to thestark
something
factofhis impending
death.I did notwantto considerhowI wouldlive
withtheimmensehole thatI knewhis passingwouldcreate.Somehow,
froma distance,I had beenable to sustaintheillusionthathe wouldnot
thatwe wouldagainwalk
die,thathis diseasewouldgo intoremission,
thePenninestogether,
of
our
latestdiscoveries,of our
talkingexcitedly
for
But
the
future.
ticket
to thestewardessand
now,handingmy
hopes
I
the
no
harboured
such
illusions.
on
boarding plane,
longer
Embarking
thisjourneybroughthome to me the harshrealityI had so farbeen
evading:myfriendwas dying.In doingso, italso wakenedme in a new
way to Donald's journey,to his struggle,amidstmuchphysicalpain
and loneliness,to make his way along the narrow,steeppathtoward
death,towardGod.
This was a pathin manyways unimaginableto me. Certainly,I
have facedup to therealityof death,struggledwithit in myown way.
Butto be on theedge of death,to knowthattheend of lifeis near?No,
I have notknownthatreality.But perhapsthiswas one of thereasons
formyjourney to see Donald in England: to be broughtinto the
in a way thatI neverwould have discovered
presenceof thismystery
on myown. It is strangeto considerthis.I imaginedI was comingto
see Donald to express my love for him, to be presentto him and
to himin a difficult
time.All of thiswas, I
perhapsbe of somecomfort
true.
I
was
But
to
see another, more
think,
already
beginning
reasonformytrip:I was beingdrawntojourneywithhim
fundamental,
fora timealongthatlonelypath,to dwellwithhimin theliminalspace
between life and death that he now occupied, in order to learn
aboutmyown life.I was beinginvitedto receivefromhim
something
final
another,
gift:to learn,as he himselfwas learning,to live on the
of
edge eternity.
*

*
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The world on this early springday seemed so vivid, so richly

detailed,so precious.The gentlerockingmotionof thetrainas it made
overan endless
itswaynorthfromLondon;thepale grayskystretching
of
daffodils
masses
blooming along the roadside;
green expanse;
brilliantgolden blossoms of forsythiaagainsta red brickwall; tiny
new-bornlambs skirtingacross a field; crows circling;white,purple
and yellowpansiesin hugemounds;twosmallboysrunning
outto play
soccer. It seemed important,somehow, to take note of all this,to
registerhow the worldlooked and feltat this particularmoment.I
to see, all of thisthrough
Donald'seyes.
supposeI was seeing,or trying
it
all
in
as
if
for
last
the
time.
Imaginingtaking
Tryingnot to miss
to
awake.
This
too
was
of
anything.
Trying stay
part thejourney.
As thetrainrollednorthI recalledmyfirstencounter
withDonald
morethantwentyyearsearlier.I was a studentat the Universityof
Californiaat Santa Cruz. Donald was myteacherin a class on Russian
Religious Thought. We were reading Dostoevsky's The Brothers
Karamazov.One day we read aloud a passage fromthesection"Cana
of Galilee", about Alyosha's terribledisillusionmentfollowingthe
deathof theelderZossima. Alyoshahad hoped and expectedthatthe
elder'sbodywouldbe suffusedwiththeodourof sanctity.This would
have confirmed
theelder'sstatureas a holyman and securedAlyosha
in his own lifepathas a monkand discipleof theelder.But theelder's
a suresignthathe had
bodyinsteadstankwiththeodourof corruption,
not in fact achieved holiness in his life. Alyosha's hopes were
confoundedby thisturnof eventsand he foundhimselfplungedintoa
deep crisisoffaith.
But thensomethingstrangeand unexpectedhappens. Alyosha,
weariedand broken,nevertheless
goes to kneelin vigil in thechurch
beside thebodyof his belovedelder.Anothermonk,sittingnearby,is
reading aloud the storyof the wedding feast at Cana fromJohn's
gospel. Alyoshadriftsoffto sleep withthesewordsringingin his ear
and findshimselfdreamingof theweddingfeast.Suddenly,Zossimais
presentto him,vividlypresent,
reachingoutto him.Alyoshacan hardly
believe it: "Can it be thathe, too, is at the banquet,thathe, too, has
beencalled to themarriagein Cana of Galilee ... ?" Indeed,againstall
expectation,theelder has been called. Somehow,even in his dream,
of this."Something,"
Alyoshasensesthesignificance
Dostoevskysays,
"burnedin Alyosha's heart,somethingsuddenlyfilled him almost
tearsofrapturenearlyburstfromhis soul...".1
painfully,
Whatthis"something"
was Dostoevskydoes notsay. But he notes
thatAlyoshaemergedfromthedreamtransformed.
Afterpausingfora
momentovertheelder'scoffin,he walkedfirmly
and surelyoutof the
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churchand intothenight.
fullofquiet,
Overhimtheheaveniy
stars,
dome,
boundlessly.
hung
shining
itsdouble
thestill-dim
thezenith
tothehorizon
From
Waystretched
Milky
The
theearth.
fresh
andquiet,almost
strand.
enveloped
unstirring,
Night,
inthesapphire
ofthechurch
domes
white
towers
andgolden
sky.The
gleamed
nearthehousehadfallen
intheflowerbeds
autumn
flowers
luxuriant
asleep
ofthe
with
thesilence
tomerge
oftheearth
seemed
Thesilence
until
morning.
. . Alyosha
themystery
ofthestars.
touched
oftheearth
themystery
heavens,
himself
tothe
threw
as ifhehadbeencutdown,
stood
andsuddenly,
gazing
earth.
Alyosha,Dostoevskysays, did not know whyhe was embracing
theearth,whyhe longed to kiss it, and waterit withhis tears. Only
thathe did,and thatin thatmoment"itwas as ifthreadsfromall those
worldsof God all came togetherin his soul, and it was
innumerable
all over,'touchingotherworlds.'"
trembling
I cannotsay withcertainty
whythispassage,read aloud thatday,
the
movedme so deeply.Was itbecause I sensed,almostimmediately,
truthof thestory?Because it touchedupon and gave voice to myown
worlds
longingto embraceand be embracedby "all thoseinnumerable
of God?" Because throughit I glimpsedan immenseand mysterious
worldopeningup beforeme- a worldin whichtheweddingfeast,the
communionof saints and the "sapphiresky" all pulsed and moved
togetherin a single numinousreality; a world where the borders
betweenheavenand earth,thisworldand thenextwerepermeableand
could I learnto
porous?It was all thisand more.I was leftwondering:
whatAlyosha
dwellin sucha world?Could I taste,even fora moment,
world?
had tasted:eternity
breakingintothismundane
Thatthesequestionsshouldhave becomeso real,so pressingto me
in thatmomentwas due in no smallpartto myconvictionthattheone
readingthe passage knew it to be true.SomehowI discerned,in the
very tone of Donald's voice, the truthof Alyosha's dream, the
significanceof his ecstaticembraceof the earthand of his spiritual
who had givenhimselfforso
This tall Yorkshireman,
transfiguration.
manyyears to the studyof Russian language and thought,seemed
suffusedby Dostoevsky'sluminousvision,seemed himselfto
utterly
worldsof
inhabita worldin which"threadsfromall thoseinnumerable
God" cametogether.
Alyosha"feltclearlyand almosttangiblysomethingas firmand
immovableas thisheavenlyvaultdescendintohis soul. . .Never,never
in his lifewould[he] forgetthatmoment."I sensedthesame was true
for me. Something momentous was unfoldingwithin me at that
moment.I was beingdrawnout of myselftowardthe veryedge of a
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new world,a worldsuffusedwithSpirit.And I knewthatmyjourney

and deeply
intothis worldwould somehowbe connectedintimately
withthisman standingbeforeme. More thantwentyyearslater,as I
journeyednorthto see him forthe last time,I was stillplumbingthe
depthsof itsmystery.
*

"Proshloene proshlo- thepasthas notpassed away."These were

amongthefirstwordsDonald spoketo me uponmyarrivalat his home
in thelittlevillageof Betley.He had beenthinking
a lotaboutthepast,
about those who had gone beforehim but who were still intimately
thebrilliant
presentto himin his finalstruggle.It was Pavel Florensky,
Russianphilosopherand priest,who had firstused thisphrasein 1919:
"The past has not passed away," he said, "but is eternallypreserved
somewhereor otherand continuesto be real and reallyinfluential.
..
is so closely interwoventhatseparationis
everybodyand everything
withcontinuoustransition
onlyapproximate,
takingplace fromone part
of thewhole to anotherpart."2For Florensky,thiswas notmerelyan
idea but a truthhe felt called to live into. Which is why, when
Florenskywas falsely accused of organizing a nationalist-fascist
conspiracyagainst the Soviet regime,he deliberatelyincriminated
himselfin orderto save theothersaccused of conspiracy.As a result
he was imprisoned
and eventuallyexecutedat thehandsof theNKVD.
- his martyrdom
- thatgave his
For Donald, it was Florensky's
witness
wordssuchpower."Thepasthas notpassedaway."Florensky's
witness
was notwasted.It did notamountto "nothing
in theend."Rather,it "is
eternallypreservedsomewhereor otherand continuesto be real and
As it was forDonald,who was striving
to witnessin
reallyinfluential."
his ownway to thetruth
oftheSpiritin his life.
One afternoon
duringmyvisit,I wentupstairswithDonald intohis
This
small
roomhad been formanyyearshis study,and the
"dugout."
walls were still lined withbooks- of earlyBritishand Irishhistory,
Russian philosophyand religion,theology,biblical studies,Buddhist,
- tracesof a life'sworkof scholarshipand
Islamic and Hindu thought
the
of
truth.
But
the
desk had recentlybeen moved aside to
pursuit
makeroomfora bed. And theshelvesnearhis bed had beenclearedof
books to make roomforimagesof some of his beloved "witnesses"
St. Seraphimof Sarov, Edith Stein,Raman Maharshi,theCistercian
monksof Atlas, ThubtenYeshe, Maximilian Kolbe, St. Thrse of
Lisieux and others. Here, in the company of this "greatcloud of
witnesses"as he calledthem,he was spendinghis finaldaysand weeks,
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forhis finalpassage. Seeing Donald in thepresenceof these

preparing
witnesses,hearinghimspeak slowlyand softlyof whattheymeantto
words:"The
him,I beganto feelin a new way thetruthof Florensky's
has
not
past
passedaway."
For Donald, I knowthesewordswere bothdeeplyconsolingand
It was consolingforhim,in themidstof whatwas a lonely
challenging.
andpainfultime,to knowhimselfas livingwithinand sustainedby this
of saints."We are,"he said, "one in theSpiritwithall our
communion
ancestorsand especiallywiththosewho lived by theSpiritwhilston
thisearth- the martyrsin particular,the supremewitnessesto the
Spirit."To take this seriouslyis to discoverthe presentmomentas
richand full,shotthrough
withtracesof lifepast
almostunimaginably
and future.How is it, he wondered,thatwe have arrivedat such a
narrow,diminishedsense of time? How is it thatwe have come to
thepower
valuethe"contemporary"
above all else and to underestimate
of theSpiritto expandoursense of thecontemporary?
Facingdeathin
thecompanyof so manywitnessesalteredDonald's sense of time."I
withall who tryand havetriedand
realised. . . thatI am contemporary
will try,as I myselfdo, howeverweakly,to live by theSpirit.All such
people,fromourearliestancestorstilltheverylasthumanbeingon this
earth,dwell in thesame world,breathethesame Spirit.We are one in
theSpirit."
we have knownand carriedwithinus eversincethat
This is a truth
firstPentecost when the Spirit kindled in those gathereda new
But too often,it seems,we
awarenessof thetruthof theresurrection.
thepowerof the Spirit.We sense our unitywiththose
underestimate
whoare livingbutfindit harderto imaginetheongoinginfluenceupon
withthosestillto
us of thosewhohave gone beforeor ourrelationship
come. We struggleto understandwhat it mightmean to say that
as partof a
fromthealpha to theomega,is woventogether
everything,
as
to
understand
ourselves
what
it
mean
continuous
whole,
might
single
it
to
have
within
One
it
as
seems
that
whole.
mean,
thing might
living
meant for my friendand for so many of the witnesses in whose
company he found himselfjourneying,is learning to live in the
that
is so closelyinterwoven
and everything
awarenessthat"everybody
is
separation onlyapproximate."
This means recognizingthatour own innerlives are infinitely
richerthanwe oftenimaginethemto be, filledas theyare withthe
presenceof so manywitnesseswho have gone beforeus. But withthis
fullnesscomesa challenge.For ifthesewitnessescontinueto live on in
our midstand shape us, are we not also called to bear witnessto the
truthof the Spirit with our own lives? In the larger economy of
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salvationmightnotthewitnessof ourlives be necessary,even crucial,

to others?Even ifin waysutterly
hiddenfromus?
This was partof the burdenmy friendDonald carriedwithhim
duringhis finaldays. If he himselfwas buoyedup by thewitnessof
others,he was also consciousof theneed to bearwitnesswithhis own
life. Not so muchthroughwords- he could speak verylittleat this
thedispositionof his entirebeing.Could he realize,
point- as through
in some measureanyway,the transparency
and purityof heartthat
wouldallow theSpiritto breathethrough
his lifeand touchthelives of
others?On an evenmorepersonaland fundamental
level: wouldhe be
as
he
moved
closer
to
the
threshold
between
life and death,to
able,
abandonhimselfcompletelyto God? To hold back nothing?"Prayfor
to Jesusto theend."
me,"he implored,"thatI maybe faithful
*

I was startledto hearhimutterthesewords. It was nothis requestfor

it
my prayerthatshook me, but the starkexpressionof uncertainty
revealed.What kindof attitudehad I been expectingto see in him?
Certainlynot utterequanimity.I knew he was engaged in a fierce
struggle.But thisplea fromtheheartcaughtme up short.It compelled
me to considermorecarefullywhat kind of strugglemy friendwas
facing.How muchphysicalpain was he in? Did he feellonely?Was he
sad at theprospectof departingfromhis beloved wifeand children,
froma worldhe loved so deeply?I wonderedtoo whether
he feltfear
or anxietyduringthelong,darkhoursof thenight?
His sense of isolation was, I began to realize, one of the most
difficult
struggleshe faced.Not isolationfromfriendsand loved ones,
who werenearat handand who werea constantsourceof consolation
to him. Rather,it was the sense of isolation that arose fromhis
recognitionthatno one reallyknew whathe was contendingwith."I
am bound to feel much isolation,"he said, "because foreveryoneI
meet or speak with my death representsone event among many
- tomorrow's
others
engagementor theholidayplannedforChristmas,
etc. Whereasforme my deathis the event."Not thatit reallycould
have been otherwise.But thisisolationmade him realize thatno one
among the living could really teach him about the most important
question facing him: how to approach death. Only those who had
- could
experiencedit, and bornwitnessto it- the martyrs
especially
do that."Whattheyteach us, above all, is to go into death wholeto embracetheexperiencewithone'swholeheartand injoy."
heartedly,
This note of joy certainlypermeatedhis finaldays and weeks.
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During thatlast Christmas,he found himselfstruckagain by the

noteof joy thatresoundsthroughthisfeast.He himself
characteristic
was comingto knowthisjoy ever moredeeply.And comingto know,
"We have to be securein joy," he
thisjoy, a tasteof eternity.
through
said. "We haveto be fullofjoy. . . thisjoy is nevergoingto end.Joyis
eternal,whichis whyhumanbeingshave alwaysfelttheyhavebeen in
whentheyhavereceivedsucha touchofjoy."
eternity
But how to be "securein joy?" How to knowoneselfas livingon
theedge of eternitywhen one is facingdeath,strugglingthrougha
and
Only by embracingthatsuffering,
periodof intensesuffering?
it.
it
in
these
To
terms
cannot
help but
put
becomingpurifiedby
I
in
and
But
that
is
not
at
all
what
saw
my friend
soundingglib
pat.
to
and
embrace
last
he
was
these
Rather,
during
days.
struggling accept
his own sufferingand anxietyand hoping throughit to become a
witness,a bearerof compassionforothers.Centralto thisstrugglefor
himwas theattempt
to cultivatea greatersenseof intimacywithJesus,
especially by followinghim towardthe cross. His own illness had
less in the "third
helpedhimto beginrelatingto Jesusless distantly,
or
and
as
as
a
"You"
"Thou."
"Jesusbecomes
he
more,
said,
person,"
our intimatepersonalfriend,"he noted,"whenwe share his suffering
fortheredemption
of the world.Perhapsonlythencan we also share
hisjoy."
Many yearsearlier,in his book Holiness, he had alreadybegun
andjoy, on the
on theintimate
betweensuffering
reflecting
relationship
of
in
the
to
At
the
God.
time,he had
necessity suffering
journey
observed:"thenearerwe get to the Holy One the more intensethe
Nowherewas
demandsmade on us if our course is to be sustained."3
thismoreapparentthanin thedemandsmadeuponJesus,demandsthat
lefthim,towardtheend, "bewilderedand distressed,"
hopingthathis
his
heart
own suffering
somehow
be
circumvented,
"breaking
might
broken.
untodeath"(Mark 14: 32~5).4 But not,in spiteof everything,
his
heart
Because
in
his
was
self-sacrifice,
becomingpurified,
Why?
suffused
withcompassionforall thosebrokenand fragilebeingswhom
he loved even untodeath. And thereforesuffusedwithjoy. I think
Donald had an intimation
of thisjoy even then.Now, however,as he
foundhimselfbeing drawn ever more deeply into the mysteryof
so too did he findhimselfbeingdrawnintoa moreprofound
suffering,
joy.
He had takento heartthe words of the Letterto the Colossians
foryour
duringtheselastmonths:"I am now rejoicingin mysufferings
sake, and in my fleshI am completingwhat is lacking in Christ's
forthesake of his body,thatis theChurch"(Col. 1:24). He
afflictions
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had begunlivingintimately
and palpablyintothemystery
of thistruth
as his own bodygraduallydiminishedin strength.
"The wordthatcame
- he emptiedhimself(Phil.
he said,"was ekenosen
to me thismorning,"
is
a
which
me
It
word
make
sense
of thefactthatmymuscles
2).
helps
are losingtheirpower;theyare beingemptiedof power.I musttry.. .
to take it as partof theemptyingof my self,the fibresof my being
As his
beingtakenapartbyGod so thatI maybecomea newcreature'."
own suffering
so
did
his
awareness
of
and
intensified,
compassionfor
else's.
"Each
time
I
a
crucifix
he
now," noted,"I touch
everyone
pass
thefeetof Jesusand call to mindthewordsof Pascal: 'JesusChristest
en agoniejusqu'au findu monde.'And I thinkof thesuffering
people
throughoutthe world,especially now in Zaire. And I tryto place
myselfamidstthem."Here too,perhaps,one can heartheresonanceof
words:"everybody
and everything
is so closelyinterwoven
Florensky's
thatseparationis only approximate."God's redemptiveworkin us,
especially the growthof compassion thatcomes throughsuffering,
makestheidea of separationfromone anotherunimaginable.
*

As it makestheidea of separationfromGod unimaginable.

This is the
to us, thetruththeybear witnessto: thatour
greatgiftof themartyrs
entirelives are suffusedwithGod's love; thatwe are alreadylivingat
theedge of eternity.
In thoselast days,my friendDonald seemed to
have becomeintenselyawareof thistruth.
Not as something
altogether
newor unexpected;he had,afterall, beenstriving
to live intothistruth
formostof his life.Now, however,came a new claritybroughtabout
ofeverything
butGod.
byhiscontinualand radicalrelinquishment
Like his belovedAlyosha,Donald seemedalreadyto be livingin a
world."I have receivedintimations
of whatthe'new
new,transfigured
creation'mightbe, and whatit mightbe to live unconditionally,"
he
said. But unlike Alyosha, his life was drawingto a close. He was
horizon,already walkingtowardit. "I
looking out onto a different
realise thatsuch unconditionallove is not altogetherpossible in this
worldformostof us. . . I needto be bathedin theunconditional
love of
God whichis Heaven, plungedin theocean of pure love so thatmy
wholebeingis cleansedof my selfishness;and myego is sweptaway
I have a longingforthatboundlesslove. .
entirely.
we walkedoutsidein thegarden
Duringourlastafternoon
together,
fora fewminutesin silence.The sunwas low in thesky.The birdshad
recentlyreturnedand were fillingthe treeswiththeirsong. The new
springgrass was deep green and soft beneath our feet as we trod
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thepath thatDonald had been walkingalone thesepast few

together
months.As we passed by the side of the house on one of our turns,
Donald paused and motionedwithhis armsoutstretched
towardthe
if
the
trees
and
the
fields
As
"Look!
look!
Isn'tit
to
sun,
beyond.
say,
As
if
from
all
of
"threads
those
innumerable
worlds
magnificent?"
all
God" wereall comingtogetherin his soul, and "it was trembling
over,'touchingotherworlds.'"We continuedwalkingand he motioned
again and again, now toward the birds, now toward the garden,
burstingwithdaffodils,crocus,tulips,now towardme. His face was
radiantwithjoy.
1
2
3
4

Trans.
Richard
Pevear
andLarissa
TheBrothers
Karamazov.
Fyodor
Dostoevsky,
North
PointPress,1990).Thisandsubsequent
(SanFrancisco:
Volokhonsky
citations
arefrom
pp.361-363.
CitedinDonaldNicholl,
oftheSpiritinRussia(London:Darton,
Triumphs
andTodd,1997),
Longman
p.190.
andTodd,1981),
Donald
Holiness
Nicholl,
Darton,
(London:
p. 129.
Longman
Seediscussion
inHoliness
, pp.130-132.
fromWeavings.
bypermission
Reprinted

The

Power

Authority,
Part

Kevin

and

the

Freedom

Glory
and

Literature:

L.

Morris

body;yettheyhavealso been
EnglishCatholicshavebeena recognisable
individualsengagedin a disorderly,
energetic,
personaland doubt-filled
has
affirm.
to
and
Catholicliterature
create,
struggle
experience,
explore
in thetensionbetweenliberalandconservative:
beengrounded
categories
but
whicharea function
notonlyofhowan individual
relatestodoctrine,
also ofpersonality,
forCatholics,likeeveryoneelse,believeas theymust,
as theirpersonalitiesdictate.Cardinal Manning- togetherwithhis
associatesHerbert
Vaughan,W. G. WardandMgr. GeorgeTalbot- may
be takenas thearchetypeof theconservativementality
(Manningthe
while
Newman
be
taken as the
of
Vatican
I),
presidingspirit
may
337

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