DIRTY JOBS

By Tristan Marshall

EXT. SIDEWALK - MORNING

A meter maid, HARRY, , Seth Rogan-like, walks by and notices
a car parked in the RED ZONE. He looks at his watch then
takes off his hat and starts to button his black overcoat
over the uniform.
He grabs his coffee and is about to leave OUT TO LUNCH but
looks back at the car. There arent any others parked near
it. He checks to see if the person is in the vicinity and
starts to write up a ticket.
When he is done he is about to put it on the car window but
something he sees inside stops him. There is a Victorias
Secret bag on the passenger seat and this is what has given
him pause. A single lacy strap hangs from a corner edge.
He smiles a little thinking about the kind of girl that would
stop by Victorias secret this early in the morning. HOT
A car HORN breaks him from his daydream and he jumps a little
as he looks around to see if anyone noticed him in his daze.
Satisfied he starts to crumple the ticket but, before he can,
he sees a HEAVYSET woman walking around the corner and
towards the car with her keys in her hand. She doesnt notice
him because her eyes are focused on the FRAPPUCCINO cream her
face is buried in and he is sure she is heading this way.
Harrys head snaps back to the bag on the passenger seat and
then back to the fat woman.
He grimaces in disgust and places the ticket on the window
with conviction.
She notices him just as he is leaving her car and frowns when
she spies the ticket on her windshield.
WOMAN
(sweetly)
Come on. I was only gone for like 5
minutes. Give me a break.
He turns and looks her up and down disapprovingly as her
tongue finds some whipped cream at the corner of her mouth.

2.
HARRY
(Robocop)
I dont think so, mam. Maybe a
little less whipped cream in life
and you would have made it under
the bar, you know. Or maybe you
could park in the green and walk a
little farther next time.
His tone says she is getting the ticket because she is fat.
Fatter than he is at least.
Harry swipes his coffee off the meter. He holds it up like an
ad for PEETS.
HARRY (CONTD)
See this-- No sugar. Believe it or
not I rode a bike to work today.
Traded in my car.
WOMAN
(totally offended)
Fuck you.
HARRY
Its 2015, sister. No one cares
about your story until you win.

buttons up his jacket with his hat inside, and heads off in
the direction the woman came from.
As he turns the corner, sipping at the hot coffee he bumps
right into an attractive woman. She is holding a cup of
coffee from the same shop as his.
When they look at each other there is a mutual attraction and
they laugh a little.
HARRY (CONTD)
Im so sorry. I totally wasnt
paying attention.
(looks in her eyes)
I almost missed you.
She laughs again shyly and smooths her hair over her ear.
Peets, hu?

GIRL2

He looks down like he forgot the cup was even there.

3.
HARRY
Oh, uh, yeah. Starbucks is just
too fancy for me. Too many choices
if you know what I mean. You too?
He gestures to her cup.
GIRL2
(smiles)
Oh, too many calories for me. All
that milk cream and caramel. I mean
I came in to get a coffee not a
sundae.
They laugh.
HARRY
Yeah well, it shows.
GIRL2
(nervous laugh)
Thanks. Im always trying to get my
friend to switch but she looves her
some Starbucks. Since high school
its been like a morning ritual.
They both laugh and then an awkward smiling moment.
GIRL2 (CONTD)
You know, I could just give you my
number and we could both still be
on time to work.
HARRY
(still smiling)
Oh, yeah that would be great except
Im kinda off now.
Lucky you.

GIRL2

She takes out a pen and then digs in her purse for something
to write on.
HARRY
Oh, old school. Thats cool.
GIRL2
No, my phones in the car. Hey how
about you just look me up on
instagram.

4.
GIRL2 (CONTD)
(still looking dow
Ive got my friend parked in the
red zone waiting for me right now.
I hate walking all the way around
to Peets so Im like what the
hell, Bonnie!. Take a chance.
Daves hand freezes halfway out of his coat pocket with his
cell.
He drops the cell back into his pocket.
She looks up at him sweetly.
GIRL2 (CONTD)
I believe in taking chances, ya
know?

Pulls her lost phone from her purse.

GIRL2 (CONTD)
Found it!
(starts to write)
I hope no asshole meter maid gave
her a ticket. Im always hearing
the guy around here is a dick but
thats probably a wives tale-- Male
meter maids are so weird anyways
though, right? So what do you do?
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
We meet DICK, Owen Wilson-like, stirs his coffee at the
counter. He is obviously dressed for work complete with
starched shirt and tie. When he turns we see the high tech
looking bluetooth device in his ear. His kitchen is as neat
and clean as his clothes. He looks like a man about business,
probably a salesman or marketing rep.
DICK
No, No. Thats not how it works,
Schroeder. Weve gotta lay low just
long enough to get em thinkin then
tip toe up behind em and BOOM turn
up the volume. You know what Im
sayin. They ate our lunch last week
Im not lettin em have my dessert.

5.
Listens... Laughs. (Stock Broker)
He spins on his heels towards the counter behind him and
picks up the toast on the saucer there. He then heads for the
living room.
DICK (CONTD)
Alright lets kick some ass!
Once there we see a huge HD television with a graphically
violent shooting game, Call of Duty, paused on its screen.
Dick picks up his controller and sits the coffee on the table
then plops down on the sofa.
He looks at his watch and takes a deep breath.
DICK (CONTD)
And I gotta say if we dont hurry
well all be late today.
He unpauses the game and it blares to life on the huge screen
as he bounces along with the action.
DICK (CONTD)
Watch your flank, Daniel!
EXT. SCHOOL - LATER MORNING
A student bumps into Dick who is walking with the crowd of
kids towards the front door.
DICK
Hey, watch your flank, Shroeder!
The kid turns and gives Dick a mischievious smile.
KID
Up yours, Weinstein! Ill see you
on the battlefield.
As they enter.
DICK
Not if I see you first, Shroeder.
Hey what time you on tonight?
KID
Ten! I got homework.

6.
INT. VICE PRINCIPALS OFFICE - LATER
Dick sits at his desk staring across at a pimple faced
athletic looking preteen.
KID
Youre suspended, Kyle.
KYLE
What!? Thats bullshit! You cant
even prove I did anything!!
Kyle is fuming but Dick sits calmly. He smiles slightly.
DICK
You see thats the thing, Kyle.
Youre right. I cant.
The kid is about to smile but thinks better of it when he
sees Dicks smile hasnt left.
DICK (CONTD)
But Im the vice principal and you,
butt wipe, are currently tied with
(looks down at desk)
Dennis Watkins for number 1 in
disciplinary write ups as well as
being the 3 year running champion
for detentions. Care to tally up
tardies?.. My point is, Kyle, I
could pin a murder on you in this
building and make it stick. Youre
like a two time felon at this
school.
The kid wears a look that says he understands totally. He
cant believe it but he understands.
DICK (CONTD)
So when I say youre gonna replace
Mr. Shroeders gym clothes and gym
shoes by Monday I know youll throw
in a new gym bag too just to say
theres no hard feelings. The one
with the big Nike check would be
great.
The kid is still dumbfounded.
Dick looks at his watch.
DICK (CONTD)
Dont be late for lunch now.

7.
INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - LATER
Dick stands at the counter and uses the blender to make a
protein shake. As he mixes a group of teachers, 3 women and
one man, sit and converse quietly. From the giggles theyre
throwing in Dicks direction we gather they are talking about
him.
When hes done he turns and sucks the protein shake through a
straw on his way out of the lounge.
MRS. PRRIAN
Hey, Dick, why dont you come have
lunch with us today?
Dick turns in mock surprise as if to say who me. When he
sees theyre all smiling he starts over.
He sits and looks around at there smiling expectant faces.
MRS. PRIAN
You know wed just like to say that
we think you are the best vice
principal this school has ever had.
The children are more motivated to
learn and we havent had a fight
all year. Were so happy there is
finally someone here to run the
school for all the children, and
not just the sports teams.
MR. SONNIER
And the parents are just raving. I
spoke to Miss Davis yesterday and
she sang your praises for a full
fifteen minutes. And that lady
doesnt look like she sings about
anything.
MRS. BONNER
She growls.
They laugh like old friends.
DICK
Well, thank you. I really
appreciate that you appreciate what
Im trying to do here. And let me
just take the opportunity to say
how much I enjoy working with all
of you.
They all smile as if hes said the perfect thing.

8.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Tom Weller, Vince Vaughn-like, stirs from his sleep as a ray
of sunshine stretches across his face.
He opens one bloodshot eye and looks around the room. After a
quick scan his eye finds the clock and sees its 7:15. Then
he slowly turns his head away from the window and towards the
open bedroom door.
He opens the other eye and closes the one he had opened
previously to scans the outside hallway. He can see the
bathroom door slightly ajar and through it he an see his wife
Valerie doing her hair in the mirror sans pants.
He smiles and turns over to his back quietly. The smile
doesnt leave his face as he lifts the sheets to see his
morning wood. Suddenly he thinks he hears something and drops
the sheet to scan the area again.
No--Now satisfied he slips out of bed and heads for the
hallway.
He creeps to the bathroom door and instead of opening it he
just puts his face near the crack.
TOM
Uh hey, are you the nurse? becuz I
could use some healing over here.
Ive really got some stiffness in
this area. And a scantly clad
nurse like yourself, I think, could
really clear that up. I dont have
insurance but if you can help me
out I can definitely put something
in it for you.
Tom pushes the door open wider and gestures to his wood butHey, dad!!

DAUGHTER

His daughter, whom he had not noticed, yells from the toilet
where she sits.
He yanks the door back so hard it slams into his crotch and
his wife gives a sarcastic smile.
He hobbles back to the bedroom and falls on the bed with a
groan.
Seconds later his wife walks in still pantless and now
kidless.

9.
VALERIE
I keep telling you, you have to get
up a lot earlier in the morning
than that to beat Miss sunshine.
She goes to the closet and pulls her scrubs off the hanger.
TOM
Shes like a rooster!.
He jumps back to the edge of the bed.
TOM (CONTD)
(whining)
But, what about now? Dont you have
like five or ten minutes for a
wounded man?
She stares at him with mock anger. He pricks the Iphone from
her fingers before she can check the time and tosses it
behind him onto the bed.
VALERIE
(moaning)
Come on, Tom. You always make me
late. Why do you always want to
bother me in the morning?
TOM
Could it be because our 3 year old
has the bed time of a 16 year old?
Or that she falls asleep blocking
your pelvis every night like a
goddamn chastity belt. Or maybe the
fact that youre a lot fresher
before a 12 hour day in the ER.

She gives him a stale look.

TOM (CONTD)
I mean mentally, hunny. Theres no
energy for creativity left in you
by then.
Her expression doesnt change.
My phone.

VALERIE

TOM
I have to warn you. Its a jungle
in there.
(MORE)

10.
TOM (CONT'D)
(gestures to the bed)
Who knows what wild animals might
be waiting to ravage a young supple
(he grabs her butt)
Nursing student.
She leans down to kiss him and when he reaches for her arm
she catches his hand and puts it on her ass.
VALERIE
(seductive)
Maybe nursing students arent as
innocent as you think.
SAMMIE (V.O.)
Mom!! Its 8:15. You got five
minutes or youll be stuck in
traffic!
Oh shit!

VALERIE

She immediately stops and pulls away searching for her pants
again.
TOM
But Im sicker than any of those
people.
VALERIE
Youre gonna make me late, Tom. And
you know I hate to be late.
Tom slumps dejectedly back onto the bed.
A few seconds later, Valerie is now fully dressed leaves the
room in a hurry.
Tom lies there on his back.
Valerie comes back and for a moment Toms face has hope-VALERIE (CONTD)
Phone... Phone!
Tom holds it up lifelessly.
She walks over plucks it from his hands leans down and pecks
him on the cheek.
Bye.

VALERIE (CONTD)

11.
TOM
Who teaches a 5 year old to tell
time anyway? As if anybody under
the age of 10 isnt already blessed
with the worst timing ever youre
gonna teach her to pinpoint the
perfect bad moment.

INT. CAR - DAY

Tom sits in the parked car with his partner Maui, big Samoan
guy with a permanent scowl, who eats a snickers bar. Tom
stares intently at a house across from them and further down
the street.
MAUI
I dont understand why you needed
me to come.
TOM
Because I dont want to be here,
Maui.
MAUI
Why not? You dont have any funk
with this guy do you? Im not
really in the mood for action
today.
TOM
(annoyed)
Theres no funk, man. Its Rock n
Roll.
MAUI
You fought him already?

No!
Ok-

TOM
(quickly)
MAUI

TOM
I knocked him out.
Maui gives him a look.

12.
TOM (CONTD)
It was high school.
MAUI
You knocked him out in high school?
Tom and Maui ring the doorbell of the house. After a few
seconds the door opens.

TOM
Maui, Im 68 with a high school
diploma and couldnt dunk if you
gave me a boost. Im too real to
act. That leaves me with or
bouncer. Besides those two years
of JC I think youre in the same
boat.
Tom glances over at his side view mirror and sees the car
hes waiting for coming from behind.
TOM (CONTD)
(excited)
Its him! Get down!
I cant.

MAUI

TOM
Well, act natural! Act natural.
The two big men try to get into natural positions as the car
approaches.
The man theyre waiting for pulls up to a stop at the sign
right beside Toms parked car.
The huge chested girl on the passenger side looks over at Tom
whos eyes immediately go down to her chest.
The man driving happens to look over and see Tom staring. Now
there both staring at Tom but his gaze is still stuck in the
womans cleavage.
Maui turns and gives the man a menacing look which causes the
man to turn his eyes. When he does he notices the slim jim
and gps on Toms dashboard. He realizes what the two strange
looking men are there for and tears off down the street
passed his house.

13.
TOM (CONTD)
Shit! Hes running! Hes running!
He jerks up in his seat and scrambles for the keys knocking
over random things as he fumbles.
The guy turns the corner before Tom can start the car but he
peels off in pursuit anyway.
EXT. HAWAIIAN BBQ - LATER
Tom and Maui eat, with Tom lees enthusiastically than Maui.
Tom, between bites, catches Maui staring.
MAUI
That was pretty lame, bro.
TOM
What, youre suggesting that I was
the one who tipped him off? You
stared at him like he cursed your
mom or something. You were supposed
to act natural. What was that?!
MAUI
Were 20 minutes away from the
hood, dummy. If a 300 pound Samoan
dude doesnt stare you down when
you try to look into his car then
something is definitely wrong.
TOM
(sarcastic)
Oh, so it was a hood thing?
Tom is at a complete loss. Maui continues to eat.
MAUI
He probably saw you staring at his
girlfriends tits like you wanted
to repossess them.
TOM
(embarrased)
Right. No way I blew our cover.
Plus those were NOT fake. He
probably saw the repo man look
written all over your face. You do
it every time, man..
Beat

14.
Maui looks at him staley.
TOM (CONTD)
Exactly my point. I feel like
youre gonna reach over and take
back my biscuits right now. Im not
saying youre bad at this. Im just
saying you might want to take some
time with your face in the mirror
at night. Practice your
expressions.
Maui doesnt change his stare.
TOM (CONTD)
What?! All the great ones do it
man!
Beat
TOM (CONTD)
Whatever. Listen, just take the
biscuits if you want them but learn
how to ask. Eat up. Im buying.
Tom stares out the window and silently mouths a fuck to the
scene outside.
INT. DICKS LIVING ROOM - LATER
Dick and Harry both sit on his living room couch in front of
the television. Dick sits on the edge of his seat with a game
controller in bhis hand and a headset half on his head.
Harry watches the television sipping a beer and eating cheese
puffs. He seems only mildly amused by what he is watching but
half in thought.
Tom suddenly walks in and neither man turns.
Tom doesnt seem to notice them not noticing him as he heads
for the kitchen.
TOM
Hell of a day.
Moments later he comes back out into the living room woth a
beer in his hand and a confused look on his face.
TOM (CONTD)
Wheres the food? This is what you
do when you have the house to
yourself?
(MORE)

15.
TOM (CONTD)
When Sheenas here shes got you
grilling tofu and doing coconut egg
facials and now that shes on vacay
theres not an edible in the house.
(walks over to the couch)
But this guy has cheetos.
DICK
Junk food kills, dude. Harry had to
wrestle me to get those in.

Tom comes around the couch staring at the screen as he sits

down. He looks down at the buttons Dick is pressing.
TOM
How in the hell can you play that
thing? Theres like 17 buttons on
it! Are you like trying to get into
the minds of the kids you work
with everyday because if not...
This could be a sign of a more
serious proble-OOOOOOH!
Tom Harry and Dick all respond simultaneously to what Dick is
doing on the screen. He is fighting a monstrous looking woman
with big tits.
TOM (CONTD)
You gotta twist her head! Twist her
head!
HARRY
Dude no shes hot! Body slam.
Dick just grunts as he mashes buttons and grits his teeth at
the screen. Suddenly the girl player reverses and kills
Dicks character and there is a collective groan from the
three men. Dick turns to Tom.
DICK
What are you talking about? You
play video games.
TOM
Ive got a Super Nintendo, Dick.
Its got like six buttons. From the
days when you had other shit to do
besides memorize 50 different
configurations so you could beat
some 14 year old in Japan who
youll never see cry in person.
(MORE)

16.
TOM (CONT'D)
You know how strong your hand is
when you masturbate as much as a
teenager does?
HARRY
Well maybe teenagers these days
dont masturbate as much as we did.
Maybe thats why they have time to
memorize 17 button configuration
combinations.
Tom looks over at him coldly.
TOM
I dont think so, polygrip. Its
just much faster these days with
the internet on seven different
devices in the house. I would never
have been able to actually use the
computer to masturbate. Itd be
dinner before a video clip loaded
much less a whole movie.
Harry laughs loudly and Tom gives him a and youre next
look.
Harry hands Tom the bowl of cheetos which Tom promptly takes.
TOM (CONTD)
I take that look back. Youre my
boy.
He holds up his beer bottle for a toast which Harry promptly
accepts.
Dick puts his controller down and turns to Tom.
DICK
Something you wanna talk about?
TOM
(mock indifference)
What?
DICK
You can tell me.
TOM
Are you- Are you child
psychologying me? Seriously, youre
giving me the problem child
speech.

17.
HARRY
Its a good one.
It is.

DICK

Tom shakes his head sourly at the tv screen.

TOM
(breaks down)
Okay! Its my job. I hate it!
The other two exchange glances as Tom puts his head in his
hand.
Dick puts his hand on Toms shoulder.
DICK
Its gonna be alrightTOM
(yells)
I hate it!
Dick continues to console but Harry just sits back against
the sofa.
Dick notices.
DICK
Whats up, Harry. Its gonna take
the power of two to make this
better.
HARRY
No, can do, bro. I hate my job
too.
Tom snaps up and looks at Dave too.
You too?

TOM

Harry looks at the screen.

HARRY
I took the police academy exam
three times?
Tom puts a hand on Harrys shoulder.
TOM
Its okay buddy. I feel your pain.

18.
They are silent for a moment then they both look over at Diok
who is looking sheepishly back at them.
What?

DICK

They continue staring until Dick finally gets up.

DICK (CONTD)
Come on, guys. You know i love my
job.
TOM
Dick, youre a vice principle of a
middle school. Its like teaching
limbo. Are you the principal? Are
you almost the principal? do I
really have to do what you say or
you just living in the shadow of
the man that makes it all happen?
Dick gives him an are you serious look as he cracks
another beer.
TOM (CONTD)
Im serious and whats the deal
with middle school. You couldnt
choose between high school or
elementary so youre just
straddling the fence.?
HARRY
Youre playing center field.
TOM
Thats right and you know what
happens to the center fielder?
Beat
TOM (CONTD)
Hes always confused. Should he
catch it? Should he let the right
fielder get it? Is it the left
fielders turn? If you catch it one
of them is gonna be mad. If you
dont and they miss the catch guess
whos getting blamed?
HARRY
Center fielder.
Always.

TOM

19.
DICK
You guys are delusional. Were not
in our twenties. This is not any of
our first jobs. We have families to
support. Youve got two kids in
private school.
(to Tom)
What do you want to quit your job
and open a taco truck, Pedro?
(to Harry)
You gonna start fighting crime on
your own, Dirty Harry?
He plops back down on the couch and grabs his controller.
DICK (CONTD)
You ladies need to man up and face
the consequences and
responsibilities of the choices you
made. At least were not janitors.
The other two look at the screen quietly with matching looks
of doom.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
CHARLES VOGEL, the principal John C. Reilly type, strodes
down the hallway like a prison guard. He swings the whistle
that hangs from the pocket of his suit like a watch as hw
walks.
As he
there
leans
hurry

passes two girls try to hurry by, obviously late, with

eyes on the floor. Just as they pass the principal
over and blows the whistle at them. They scream and
faster to class.
CHARLES
Lets see some hustle ladies!

He looks back after them but as he turns and faces forward he

slips on wet floor and falls hard flat on his back with a
yell.
He sits up holding his lower back in obvious pain and sees
the janitor at the end of the hall with his mop and bucket,
failing to hide his look of satisfaction.
The principals pain turns to anger as he starts to try to
get up.

20.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Todd! What the fThe principal almost slips but catches himself with a hand on
a locker.
CHARLES (CONTD)
What the hell are you doing without
a wet floor sign here!
Todd points to the wet floor sign behind the principal. He
obviously passed it while looking back at the girls. The
principal rubs his elbow and thinks.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Well, what the hell are you doing
mopping during school hours anyway?
TODD
That Branson kid had an accident.
The principal looks confused and a little disgusted.
CHARLES
An accident?
Yeah, he-

TODD

CHARLES
Spare me, Todd. Just....
The principal gets back to dry ground.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Just get a fan or something!
The principal walks off still rubbing his elbow.
Todd looks after him with a smirk.
CUT TO:
INT. DICKS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Dick looks out the window while he talks on the phone.
DICK
Look Im just sayin you guys dont
have to go out of your way to get
here and pick me up. I do have a
car and I am capable of getting
myself to the party.
(MORE)

21.
DICK (CONT'D)
Now getting back home may prove
more of a challenge butDick is cut off by the principal entering his office.
Dick points to the phone in his other hand but the principal
just gives him a look.
DICK (CONTD)
Excuse me Miss Dickens but I have a
bit of an emergency that just
popped up here. Ill just set up a
conference with you about Dennis
transportation later tonight.
The principal looks impatient.
DICK (CONTD)
Until then remind him that If
youre early youre on time. If
youre on time youre probably
late.
Dick hangs up with a fake grin.
DICK (CONTD)
How can I help you, Charles?
The principal takes an uninvited seat at Dicks desk and
looks around the office disapprovingly.
Beat
DICK (CONTD)
You were saying.
PRINCIPAL
Oh, Im taking the team out for
an early dinner in honor of making
the playoffs and so you will be
in charge of the school while Im
gone.
DICK
And I would like to thank you for
bestowing that honor upon me but I
actually have a really busy day
ahead of me soCHARLES
Im also gonna need you to fill in
for me at tonights PTA meeting.
Lindas husband is in the hospital
so shes out.

22.
Beat
DICK
Okay then. No problem.
Charles gets up and heads for the door but Dick stops him
there.
DICK (CONTD)
Oh, I was under the impression that
we werent gonna be able to make
the playoffs this year.
CHARLES
(smiles slyly)
Well, St. Marys team, got into
some kind of freak accident.
Something about the breaks going
out on their team bus.
(scoffs)
Well, there were quite a few
injuries and the team had to
forfeit. Its like divine
intervention...
(quiter)
That and i know a little something
about breaks.
He cracks up laughing but Dick just stares at him slightly
horrified.
Charles stops laughing.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Nah, Im just fuckin with you. They
all came down with the flu or mono
or something. My wife is friends
with the commish. I had her pull a
few strings. Regardless, my guys
are in!
DICK
(smiling)
You mean your girls.
CHARLES
Yeah! I mean girls/guys. Who cares?
Im gonna get that third state
championship trophy this year after
all... AGAIN! Phil Jackson, baby!
He almost yells the last part in Dicks face before he starts
to walk off.

23.
CHARLES (CONTD)
(loudly)
Three PEat! Three PEat!
(lower to Dick)
Dont embarrass me at that meeting.
Dick stands in his doorway and watches Charles go.
His phone rings again from the office and he cringes.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - THAT NIGHT
A large group of adults and teachers conduct a PTA meeting.
A short plump gray haired lady with a cheery smile speaks to
the crowd.
LADY TEACHER
And in closing I would like to
remind everyone that cell phone use
will not be tolerated on school
grounds for the rest of this year.
It is an unbelievable distraction
to the students. Why just yesterday
I caught a young lady sexting
during lunch time-The crowd of parents gasps but the teacher continues.
LADY TEAHCER
Of course her partner turned out
to be another young lady. They were
discussing the prose and cons of
long nails. It was actually rather
interesting. I wasnt aware that
you couldDick makes to the podium and stop the teacher before she can
continue.
Dick looks back at Tom and Harry sitting in a pair of chairs
in a dark corner. They look extremely bored but smile anyway.
As soon as Dick begins to speak Tom gets up from his chair.
TOM
(whispers)
Im going to the bathroom.
He walks out the door just as Harry gets up to follow him.

24.
Dick gives Harry a menacing look but Dave just motions to his
crotch and hurries out behind Tom.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Harry catches up with Tom in the hallway.
TOM
Man this sucks. All the hot moms
are either here with their husbands
or actually interested in their
kids.
HARRY
Yeah, bummer.
TOM
I could have sworn I saw the only
little hottie that looks single
sneak out here 20 minutes ago. But
where is she?
Suddenly the door to the maintenance closet opens and the
janitor steps out fixing his jumpsuit.
TOM (CONTD)
What the fuck? What is he taking a
nap in there?
The hot mom that steps out a few moments later buttoning her
shirt answers that question.
OMG.

HARRY

When the blonde looks in there direction, they immediately

snap their heads towards the kids art along the school wall
beside them. They point and pretend to talk as if they have
kids at the school.
The blonde looks relieved as she hurries back into the
auditorium.. But not before Tom catches a glimpse of the
janitor squeezing her butt before the door closes.
Tom zeros in on the man. He cant believe. He imagines a
janitor for a middle school must be one of the top shittiest
jobs in the world but somehow this guy makes it look almost
cool.
The janitor flips over to them just in time to see Tom and
Harry stun from the ass grab.

25.
Tom is frozen afraid the guy will be pissed but instead the
janitor just replaces his earphones, tips him a wink and a
smile, an takes his mop bucket into the bathroom.
After hes gone Tom and Harry look at each other.
TOM
I still gotta go.
HARRY
Me too. They hurry towards the
bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Tom and Harry walk in and see the janitor from behind. He
appears to be washing his penis in the sink.
Tom and Harry exchange looks again. Tom in awe and Harry in
disgust.
They hurry over to the latrine before the guy turns over his
shoulder and notices them.
The guy quickly replaces his privates and snaps around to his
mop.
TODD
Hey, you guys arent are you?
Tom and Harry both turn around in mock surprise.
No.

TOM

Harry shakes his head. Both are pretending to be peeing.

HARRY
Were friends of Dick.
Tom throws Harry a sharp elbow.. Then
TODD
(alarmed)
You mean the VP. Awe no, bro. You
CANNOT tell him about this- Ill
pay you.
They are silent.
TODD (CONTD)
Well, Ill try.

26.
TOM
Listen were not trynna burn you,
bro. Were just, in all honesty,
wondering how you pull something
like that off when you...
He searches for a nicer word.
HARRY
You clean toilets.
They both look over at him.
HARRY (CONTD)
What? Im technically a cop and I
can barely get a date with a husky
woman.
TOM
Youre not technically a cop.
Youre a meter maid.
HARRY
Thats technically a cop. I have a
badge and the authority to enforce
laws.
TOM
You have the authority to bill
people.
HARRY
Thats strange because I distinctly
remember removing a certain
persons outstanding balance on
more than one a occasion.
TOM
Erasing few tickets does not make
youHARRY
Forty five tickets. I basically
shielded you from jail time. Not to
mention the fact that you shouldnt
be driving a moped right now.
TOM
Thats a little bit too much
information on a first meeting.
Dont you think?
Todd who has been watching the conversation quietly suddenly
bursts out laughing.

27.
TODD
You guys are hilarious. I wouldnt
have guessed Dick was so cool.
Look, Im off right now. I was
gonna hit my nephews frat party
but hey if you guys wanna just
cruise we can.
He pulls a bag of pills from his pocket.
HARRY
Arent those like super illegal
right here right now?!
TODD
Dude I got these from that mom out
there.
TOM
How old are you?
TODD
Im 31. Why? How old are you guys?
They both answer 34 like an answer thoroughly rehearsed.
TODD (CONTD)
Oh. Thats awesome! You guys want.
They look at each other.
TOM
Yeah, well roll.
TODD
Alright Ill drive.
Harry doesnt look sure.
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATR
Dick sticks is head out of the door just in time to see Tom
and Harry ducking out the front door with the janitor.
Hey guys!

DICK

They dont hear him and he frowns confused.

He pulls his phone from his pocket and checks it. Theres a
message.

28.
MESSAGE: Going for a drink with your coworker. Phone when
youre done!
Dick looks surprised.
Someone calls him from behind and inside the auditorium and
he has to go back in.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOMS PORCH - NEXT MORNING
Tom sleeps, fully clothed, on the porch swing. His hand is
still wrapped around a beer can and the earbuds from his ipod
still hang from his ears. His phone rings loudly and he snaps
awake dropping the beer bottle on the floor.
He looks down at his phone and sees a pic of he Harry and the
janitor at a casino/bar/strip show in various drunken
positions with half naked women.
Toms head snaps around to see if anyone is over his shoulder
and then answers hurridely.
Hello?

TOM

TODD
Whats up broski? Hope I didnt
wake the wife. I was just worried
about you. When we dropped you off
last night you were sitting on your
porch drinking and singing Meatloaf
at the top of your lungs.
Tom grimaces and rubs his temples as he vaguely remembers.
TOM
Yeah, Todd, thanks. Im fine
though. Im a grown, married man,
ya know.
(lower into the phone)
And lets keep this on the low
alright? What happens in JC stays
in JC?
Tom looks through and starts to delete the new photos on his
phone.
TODD
Of course, broski! JC is sacred. We
still on for Saturday night, right?

29.
Tom stops at a pic of a stripper retrieving a lemon wedge
from his crotch with her mouth.
TOM
Uhh, yes. I do believe we are on,
broski.
A car Tom recognizes pulls up in front of his house. He
hurriedly hangs up the phone.
Dick gets out of the car and angrily slams the door behind
him. Tom gets up from the chair with an innocent smile.
DICK
Where the hell were you guys last
night?! Last thing I see was you
guys leaving with the janiHe notices something.
DICK (CONTD)
Are those the same clothes you were
wearing yesterday evening?
Tom, feeling cornered, smiles and shakes his head but doesnt
utter a word.
DICK (CONTD)
You guys went to Jammin Clams.
Tom shakes his head harder and chances a quick glance over
his shoulder at the front door of the house.
DICK (CONTD)
You did! You guys went to JC
without me, didnt you?
Tom finally holds out his hands for Dick to quiet down and
motions towards the car. Dick obeys pouting angrily all the
way.
INT. DICKS CAR - CONTINUOUS
DICK
How could you guys do that to me.
You stood me up like an ugly prom
date!
TOM
Listen. Liiistennn. This is not a
big deal. Were all grown men.
(MORE)

30.
TOM (CONT'D)
If two or three men decide to go to
JC the other man shouldnt get all
bent out of shape about it. Its JC
baby
DICK
So you guys left me and went with
the janitor?
Wh- What?

TOM

DICK
You said two or three and without
me theres only two of you. Im
supposed to be three, Tom. Im
supposed to be the third
musketeer!!
Dick yells this last part and puts his head down on the wheel
so hard the horn blares for a few seconds.
Tom snaps his head back to the front door of his house to see
if anybody heard.
Dick finishes a small sob.
DICK (CONTD)
Im sorry. It was a complete
disaster last night. Sheldons mom
decided to protest the sock hop and
at least seven other parents agreed
and then the whole thing turned
hostile.
Tom steals another look and almost lets out an audible grown
when he sees his wife fuming on the front porch.
Tom starts to get out.
DICK (CONTD)
Well, arent you gonna say
anything?
Tom looks back at him half out.
TOM
Well, I thought it was some kind of
venting exercise and now youre
cool right?
DICK
Im actually feeling pretty
betrayed right now.
(MORE)

31.
DICK (CONT'D)
And a little vulnerable. I think
sympathy and consolation would be a
good response.
Tom turns to look back at the porch but his wife has already
gone back in the house.
Tom closes the door back.
TOM
Listen, we didnt even mean for it
to happen. We were bored and went
outside to the hallway and we saw
him leaving the supply closet with
some hot mom and we were just in
awe. And we followed the glow from
that awe into the bathroom and he
asked us out. We really only
intended to go to Hooters but then
Harry said the girls are much nicer
at the JC and then one thing led to
another and.... Well, you know what
happens at JCDick breaks out into fresh sobs.
DICK
Stays in JC. I know the motto. Its
our motto. Im not supposed to be
the one hearing it.
Tom puts his hand on Dicks shoulder, actually starting to
feel a little bad now.
TOM
Wanna go grab some breakfast.
Dicks head comes off the steering wheel.
DICK
No. I got detention. I gotta go.
He turns the car on and Tom opens the door and gets out.
Dick takes off as soon as he closes the door.
Tom sighs hard and turns toward Act 2 of the morning from
hell. As soon as he reaches the door his wife pushes it open
and hurries out.
TOM
Hey, I just wanted to say I didnt-

32.
PAM
You didnt come home last night I
know.
TOM
Yeah but IPAM
And your excuse is probably
something like, Dick had a
terrible time at the meeting and we
just went out for a couple drinks
to relax and ended up at JC.
JC!

TOM

Pam turns to go down the steps.

TOM (CONTD)
Why would you think we went to-- to
somewhere called JC?
PAM
You think I dont know about your
little three musketeers JC trips?
She suddenly turns on her heels to face him for his answer.
Tom just smiles and shakes his head like he did with Dick.
PAM (CONTD)
Yeah, what happens in JC stays in
JC. I know the motto too.
She heads for the car and Tom realizes he doesnt have the
energy to stop her. He watches her get in and drive away.
When shes gone he reaches into his pocket pulls out his
phone and switches to the pic at the bar with the strippers.
He smiles taking a mental picture of it for later.... And
then deletes it...
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE - MORNING
A young man walks into the sliding doors.

33.
INT GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS
The young man reaches down and grabs a basket and then heads
for the aisles.
He picks up some sausage.
Some crackers.
And some cheese.
He pulls out his cell phone and presses a button. Then puts
it to his ear.
GUY
(to the phone)
Hey, hows it going. What time is
the party tonight?
He sounds fake laughter.
CUT TO:
INT. LIQUOR AISLE - CONTINUOUS
The young man browses the liquor while pretending to talking
on the phone.
GUY
Uhh, theres Bacardi, Smirnoff,
Captain Morgan.
A store clerk walks up the aisle behind him and the young man
turns to the clerk.
GUY (CONTD)
Hey, excuse me. Do you carry the
Hennessey XO.
CLERK
Uhh, no sir. I dont think we carry
that one. Sorry.
GUY
Ahh, man. No problem.
(to the phone)
Nah, man they dont even have it.
What else?
(to the clerk)
Thanks.
CLERK
No problem.

34.
The clerk walks off.
Wehn the clerk turns the corner the young man clicks his
cellphone shut and puts it in his pocket. He looks both ways
like hes about to cross the street.
Then he suddenly grabs two bottles of Smirnoff Vodka and
stuff them down the front of his pants securing them at his
belt. Then he pulls his shirt down over them.
He reaches down and picks up his basket and takes his phone
back out of his pocket. He puts it to his ear and proceeds
towards the back end of the aisle.
GUY
Yeah, no problem. Well just check
at another store later.
He passes the next aisle over and sees the clerk who helped
him earlier just finishing up with another customer. The
clerk sees him and and the young guy tips a nod to the older
one which the clerk returns happily.
The young man turns down the next aisle and starts to browse
again. He can see the clerk pass the aisle from the corner of
his eye.
As soon as the clerk passes the kid puts down his basket and
heads for the sliding door which we now see are directly at
the other end of the aisle he has been pretending to browse
on.
He walks out the door calmly, talking on his cellphone and
none of the cashiers even notice him.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
The guy walks out to his car gets in and drives off.
INT. REPO HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Tom sits at his desk having lunch when Maui comes to get him.
MAUI
Got a phone call, Tom. Its from
your uh son?
Tom stops in mid bite of his burger and turns to Maui.

35.
TOM
(mouthful)
Shit.
EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER
Tom walks out the police station doors with the young thief
from earlier. The young man looks everywhere but in Toms
direction.
TOM
So you got caught selling liquor
out of your trunk in front of a
liquor store? What did you think
they werent doing a good enough
job so you would just show them how
its done?
The young man who now looks like a teenager doesnt answer or
look over at Tom.
TOM (CONTD)
Whered you get the bottles you
were selling?
Silence.
TOM (CONTD)
Whered you get the bottles, James?
JAMES
Jesus! You sound like those fascist
asshole cops in there!
TOM
Oh yeah, except Im the fascist
asshole that just bailed you out,
right?
JAMES
Well I guess we had to see each
other sometime.
TOM
Yeah, I guess we did since you
dont return phone calls or text
messages anymore! What the hell am
I supposed to sneak up on you and
just start a conversation? Hey
excuse me son. I was just in the
neighborhood.

36.
JAMES
Gotta be in the neighborhood for
that to happen.
Tom stops suddenly and stops James with his arm.
TOM
Look, your mom hates me, kid. I
have done everything in my power to
remedy the situation but it doesnt
seem like shes gonna be eating out
of my hand any tim,e soon.
Beat
JAMES
Shes a bitch.
Tom is in awe.
What?

TOM

JAMES
My moms a bitch. I know. I live
with her. I dont blame you for
leaving.
Tom thinks of how to respond.
TOM
Well, while I cannot disagree with
you that your mom is a bitch I
would be remiss if I didnt attempt
to dissuade you for stating it
publicly.
JAMES
Why? Its the truth.
Beat
They start to walk again.
TOM
Theres a funny thing about the
truth, son. It changes with time.
Now listen. I can try my best to be
a part of your life when youre
apart from her but you gotta meet
me half way here.
Ust then a bus pulls to the stop.

37.
James slaps Tom on the shoulder.
JAMES
Its okay. You dont have to do the
dad thing.
He takes off for the bus leaving Tom standing and feeling
like a Dick.
CUT TO:
INT. TOMS LIVING ROOM - LATER
Toms wife and daughter are on the couch when he comes in the
door. The television is playing and there is a half eaten
bucket of popcorn on the table but only his wife is watching.
She looks over at his smile when he closes the door.
SALLY
Have you seen the Godfather?
TOM
(sarcastic)
Uh yeah. I might have come across
it once or twice... Wait. You
didntHis wife nods her head guiltily.
SALLY
We were gonna watch Transformers
but it was so boring and we were
flipping through the channels and
Sammie said stop. So I stopped and
it was like this violent soap
opera. After the first one we were
hooked and then we found out it was
a marathon and it was like... We
couldnt turn away.
TOM
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Tom comes and picks Sammies sleeping body from the couch.
TOM (CONTD)
You two need a babysitter.
He takes the sleeping girl upstairs.
Beat
Beat

38.
When he comes back down he starts in again.
TOM (CONTD)
You will be held personally
reasonable for the next month when
were getting calls that shes
walking around school talking like
Marlon Brando and putting doll
heads in peoples backpacks.
She laughs at this.
SALLY
Oh come on. It wasnt that bad.
Its an American classic.
TOM
Yeah, so Silence of the Lambs. You
havent shown her that yet hacve
you?
SALLY
Wait. Where are you going.
Tom turns.
TOM
To put on some fresh clothes babe.
Its my out night.
She pouts visibly.
SALLY
Aww come on. Im drunk and lonely.
And my date fell asleep on me. You
really gonna pass on a sure thing
thats this hot?
She flashes him some cleavage.
Tom thinks for a minute and then laughs. He plops down on the
couch next to her and scoops a hand full of stale popcorn.
TOM
Okay but weve gotta get some beers
in here and what are we watching?
Is there Goodfellas or Casino? A
Harry Potter marathon?
SALLY
Ohh better. Ive got the Sex in the
City marathon on TiVo.
Tom looks over at her stalely.

39.
SALLY (CONTD)
Come on. You know you like it. None
of your friends are around.
Tom looks around in mock paranoia. Then smiles when Sally
laughs. He grabs the remote and flips to the TiVo list.
TOM
Okay where were we?
CUT TO:
INT. TOMS LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Tom sits in his underwear eating a leftover slice of pizza
and watching Sex in the City by himself. His wife and
daughter are gone to work and school.
His phone chimes a message and he picks it up without looking
and brings it up in front of his face. His eyes go wide even
though there is already a sex scene on the tv.
On his phone is a picture message of
EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY
Harry is busy checking meters when Tom comes up to him.
TOM
Hey, what happened last night?
Whatd I miss.
Harry looks at him surprised.
HARRY
Wow, man. You came all the way up
here just to ask me that?
TOM
(backtracking)
And uhh I wanted a caramel
frappucino. I just happened to see
you first. So whatd you guys do?
HARRY
Ahh, man. It was awesome. Todd has
this lady cop friend and he got her
to let him use her patrol car for
the night. Total mayhem man. We
flipped the lights on his cousin.
Chased him for like 10 miles before
he popped a tire.
(MORE)

40.
HARRY (CONT'D)
(cracks up laughing)
You should have seen his face when
we came on the loud speaker. Then
we picked up a couple of high price
escorts and parked. Mine had this
great ass, man. It was... the best!
Toms face which had already been an O now sank into
something like an upside down U at the word best.
TOM
(fake happiness)
Yeah, that does sound awesome. Cops
for a night hu?
HARRY
Hey you should definitely come
tonight. Todds gonna get us some
uniforms.
TOM
Oh yeah. Im gonna grab that frap
now but Ill probably be able to
make it.
Tom starts to walk off and Harry calls after him.
TOM (CONTD)
If you cant make it its okay
though. Me and Todd will
understand.
Tom looks back disgustedly but Harry is already looking back
at the meters.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
Tom sits at the bar dejectedly drinking his frappucino and
watching the street outside. Suddenly he sees the same black
corvette he was supposed to repossess from the guy a few days
ago. As he watches and realizes the guy driving is not his
guy he gets an idea.
He sits up straight and wipes the foam from his lip with the
back of his hand.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Tom Harry and Todd all sit at the bar half drunk.

41.
TODD
(laughing)
Yeah, Ive got 2 other gigs beside
the school janitorial technician.
Im a night security for a grocery
store and a camp counselor on the
weekends.
TOM
Wow, Todd. Thats pretty awesome.
How do you even have time to party.
TODD
Ahh its all part time. Really
flexible scheduling. Its a dirty
job.
HARRY
(drunkenly)
But somebodys gotta do it!
Todd laughs.
TODD
Yeah, thats my motto. Another
round?
Tom finishes off his beer in one gulp.
TOM
You know I was actually wondering
if you could get that police car
again. Ive got a little bit of a
dirty job to do myself.
Todd smiles big.
TODD
You kidding? My sister in laws
whole family is SWAT. You got a
mission for us?
TOM
Yeah, I might have a little
somethin.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT
The man whos car Tom has been trying to repossess sleeps
soundly under his covers.

42.
Suddenly a live tear gas cannister bursts through the bedroom
window and lands on the bed smoking. The guy wakes up at the
sound and frantically rolls out of the bed when he sees the
gas.
He jumps up from the floor and runs into the next room.
Another cannister smashes through his living room window and
rolls to a stop in front of the telewvision. The guy screams
and then starts to cough as he heads for the front door in
his underwear. Before he can reach it the door slams open and
a tall plain clothes agent with a ski mask and a shotgun
steps inside the house.
TOM
Freeze you dead beat motherfucker!
The guy fall backwards on to his elbows and then terrified he
scrambles to his feet and runs for the back door. The house
is smokey with gas now and the guy coughs and wheezes. Just
as he reaches the back door he hears the dogs. The door
rattles in the frame as they pounce and scratch and bark
trying to get in.
The guy takes a right back into his bedroom and goes for his
bathroom.
He gets in and slams the door shut behind him. Then he hops
in the bath tub and starts to open the bathroom window. When
Its open he is about to stick his head out but the barrel of
a large semi automatic handgun pokes into the bathroom first.
A voice comes from outside the window.
TODD (V.O.)
Remain in the shower, sir.
The man jumps backwards and takes a step out of the tub.
TODD (V.O.)
Trust me, sir. You dont want to
die in those underwear.
The guy freezes and puts his hands up.
Tom bursts through the bathroom door and immediately secures
the guys hands behind his head. He puts the gun on the sink
and pulls the mans hands down behind his back for a twist
tie.
GUY
(frantic)
What the fuck did I do!
Tom gets close to his ear.

43.
TOM
(clint eastwood)
You didnt pay your bills Mr.
Santos.
Tom starts to turn the cuffed guy towards the bedroom. He
pushes the man down on the bed.
Car keys.

TOM (CONTD)

GUY
(blubbering)
Wh-what!
HARRY
KEYS, MUTHERFUCKER!
The guy jumps at the gesture.
GUY
On the dresser!!
Tom walks over and picks them up triumphantly. He puts his
head back and belts out a heroic laugh.
GUY (CONTD)
I know you!
Tom just stares at him from behind the mask.
TOD (V.O.)
This guy says he knows you.
TOM
He dont know me.
Tod points his gun at the guy.
TODD
I dont take chances.
After a moment they all point their guns at the guy.
NOO!!

GUY

The pull their triggers and the guy cringes as they riddle
him with paintballs.
CUT TO:

44.
INT. DICKS LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Dicks eyes open to his living room which looks like a
deleted scene from The Hangover. Snack wrappers and
slurpee cups decorate the entire area. The television is
still on and his game has a message that reads reconnect
controller and press start.
Dick removes the Xbox headset which is still attached to his
head and covering the the ear that is not laying on the
pillow. He grumpily checks his phone and proceeds to jump up
from the couch in shock. Its 10 oclock and he has about a
dozen missed calls, from the school presumably.
His head snaps over to the coffee machine in the kitchen but
he knows he doesnt have time. So he lifts a half full lurpee
cup from the table and gulps the remains of the melted syrupy
drink inside. Then he tosses the empty cup and heads for the
bedroom..
CUT TO:
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - LATER
30 minutes later and not very well put together, Dick pulls
into the parking lot and turns off the engine. He gets out
and looks to see the full parking lot of empty cars.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Dick walks down the empty school hallways like a late
student, slipping passed doors and avoiding eye contact with
the few passerbys he sees. He knows that if he can just get
to his office without seeing anyone important then he can say
he was here 30 minutes ago.
He starts to relax as he opens the door to his office but the
breath catches in his throat when he sees Charles the
principal standing behind the desk staring out the window at
the children on the play yard.
Charles starts to play with his whistle when he hears Dick
close the door.
CHARLES
Tardies, Mr. Weinstein. Tardies!
How can we, as responsible
surrogate parental figures, give
out punishment for tardiness if we
are not on time ourselves?
(MORE)

45.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
How can we police and enforce the
laws of this school if we do not
follow them ourselves?!
(turns to Dick)
As a team, Dick. Are you familiar
with the concept of team, Dick.
DICK
Uh, yes I would say that I am.
CHARLES
Ever played a team sport?
DICK
No I was more of a Nintendo guy,
Charles.
CHARLES
That what you were playing this
morning?
DICK
(guilty)
Uh, no. I just overslept. It
happens.
Charles walks over until he is side by side with Dick, but
facing the opposite direction.
CHARLES
You know what happens if a player
doesnt show up for the game on
time?
Dick gives a look that says NO.
CHARLES (CONTD)
You forfeit the game, Dick.
Tardiness endangers the team.
He walks over to the door and opens it. Then he turns back.
CHARLES (CONTD)
I dont have to tell you what a
coach does with a player who
endangers the team.
He cuts his eyes at Dick.. And then closes the door behind
him.
When the door closes Dick sighs dejectedly and slumps over to
fall in his chair. He leans back and looks up at the ceiling.
Then he sits up and checks his phone.

46.
He flips to the Facebook app and checks his news feed. His
face registers terror and shock when he sees Tom has posted a
pic of he Tod and Harry dressed in full tactical gear and
posing in front of the corvette. His expression twists
further when he scrolls down and sees Harry has posted a pic
of ___________.
Dick clicks off the Facebook app, angry now. He is about to
put the phone down when he notices a new text message. Its
from Tom.
You getting off the couch tonight and coming out with the
cool kids in Candy Land?
Dick smiles feeling in the club again.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Tom, Dick, Harry and Todd taking random guys in Vegas style
photos ending in photos of a double jackpot on the nickel
machines, everyone sitting around a restaurant table reacting
to the main course on fire, and Harry and Tom in the back
seat of the car asleep like children.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR - EARLY MORNING
Dick and Todd sit in the front sharing a joint. Todd drives.
TODD
Nothing like that last joint at the
end of a great trip.
Dick takes a hit and smiles.
DICK
Yeah, it definitely keeps the
hangovers away. You know my little
brother grows this stuff. Hes
going to school for it actually.
He glances to the back seat.
DICK (CONTD)
These guys.
TODD
They do it every time, man.

47.
Dick cuts his eyes at this. Todd is muscling in on his
position; Goin to JC without him. Driving home while Tom and
Harry sleep it off. Dick passes the joint back to Todd who
takes it without looking over.
TODD (CONTD)
Thats my plan as soon as Im at
home. Starting a new gig tonight.
Loss prevention at a grocery store.
Night shift.
DICK
Man, sounds brutal. On a Saturday?
TODD
Yeah, I need the extra income and
loss prevention is one of those
jobs that pays well but most people
dont like to do. Theres always an
opening.
He takes a long pull off the doobie before he throws it out
the window. When he exhales
TODD (CONTD)
Yes sir, somebodys gotta do it.
Hey, so whatd Charles say to you
this morning?
Dick hesitates.
TODD (CONTD)
Come on. Everybody knows he was
waiting in your office for a solid
hour.
DICK
Really? What a dick!
Todd laughs at the pun.
TODD
Yeah, man. Hes just waiting for
the right asshole.
(looks over)
But Ive got some shit for him.
Dick laughs hard at this.
Some shit?

DICK

TODD
Some shit, man.

48.
DICK
Nothing like what you guys did to
the guy with the corvette right? I
mean he is my boss and all.
TODD
(smiles)
Ah, of course not. The prank must
fit the victim. Im not some
drunken frat boy playing jokes on
people, bro. Im an artist. A true
aficionado. Besides Id never pull
the same prank twice. Its tacky.
Dick gives him a look.
DICK
What are you gonna do?
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOLL - NEXT MORNING
Todd narrates as we watch Charles .
TODD (V.O.)
You see every day Charles has a
special lunch made by the cafeteria
lady. Now every one of the 10
people that eat from the cafeteria
everyday knows that if you eat too
much youll be sittin on the head
when the bell rings. Well the thing
thats special about charles lunch
is its triple the size of a
students portion so when the bell
rings he takes the sports section
of the newspaper heads to the
bathroom and takes a little vacay.
I mean you dont want to drop that
kind of load in the teachers
lounge everyday. Thats why there
are no students allowed in the
halls or the bathrooms during the
period after lunch. He likes it all
to himself.
CUT TO:

49.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
DICK
But wont he blame one of the
students for whatever you do to
him?
TODD
Ahhh, and therein lies the beauty
of it. There is officially no
downside.
Dick doesnt look like he agrees.
CUT TO:
INT. CAFETERIA - NEXT DAY
Charles sits at the corner of the cafeteria and the few
students eating there sit as far away from him as possible.
Just as Charles finishes up the bell rings signaling the end
of lunch. Charles wipes his mouth with his napkin and gets up
to take his plate to the trash.
On the way there he passes the students still sitting at the
tables. Charles blows the whistle loudly at them.
CHARLES
Hurry up people! That sound means
its time to go.
He empties his plates in the garbage and then stands at the
cafeteria door eye balling them until the get up and start to
leave.
EXT. CHARLES OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Charles leaves his office with his newspaper in hand.
INT. BOYS BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Charles enters the bathroom with his newspaper and then heads
for the first stall.
He enters the stall and sees a shitty mess inside.
CHARLES
Shhit! Disgusting little shits.
He checks the second stall and sees the same thing. He steps
back holding his nose.

50.
CHARLES (CONTD)
(to himself)
How did I not smell this when I
came in.
He steps back again and cautiously checks the next stall. It
seems fine and he goes in and shuts the door behind him.
He unbuckles his pants. Then he sits and gets comfortable
reading the paper.
A few minutes later he hears someone come in and go inside
the first stall. Without even flushing first he hears the kid
start to pee and he makes an eww face.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Hey, theres no bathroom privileges
after the lunch bell rings.
Everybody knows that. Get to class.
He hears the peeing abruptly stop and then quite.
Beat
CHARLES (CONTD)
Well are you even gonna flush.
Suddenly Charles hears footsteps squeaking towards the stall
hes in. This rattles him a little for some reason but he
tries to sound authoritative anyway.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Dont worry about washing your
hands. Let them remind you of the
law you have broken.
Beat
The footsteps start towards his stall again.
Charles is actually scared now. As far as he knew all the
students were terrified of him and would never defy him
directly.
CHARLES (CONTD)
Did you hear mHis voice gets caught in his throat when he sees two sneakers
standing in front of the stall door.
CHARLES (CONTD)
What the fuck are you doing you
sick little fuck!

51.
The shoes remain for a few more seconds and then they turn
and start away. Charles hears the student go into the stall
next to him and flush the toilet. Then he hears the student
do the same thing to the toilet in the first stall.
Finally charles hears the sinks turn on.
A few seconds later the door closes heavily.
Charles sits for a few seconds listening to the sink water
run.
Fuck!

CHARLES (CONTD)

He looks down for the toilet paper and is further

flabbergasted when he sees the dispenser is empty.
Shit.

CHARLES (CONTD)

Suddenly he notices water flooding his shoes from the stall

next to him.
Shit!

CHARLES (CONTD)

He puts his ear to the stall wall and he can hear the toilet
next to him still running. He stands up quickly and looks
down to see the dirty brown water pooling around his shoes.
SHIT!

CHARLES (CONTD)

He pushes at the stall door but it doesnt budge.

CHARLES (CONTD)
(confused)
What the fHe pushes at the door again harder but it still doesnt give
an inch.
Charles throws his weight into the door so hard that he slips
in the water on the floor and falls against the door getting
his pants wet. He scrambles to get up getting his hands dirty
in the mess too.
Charles gets up and stares at his hands disgustedly. He slams
the door again with his shoulder but halfheartedly. Then he
turns to the toilet. He wants to wash his hands in the water
of the toilet but he has already used it and is afraid that
if he flushes it will flood too.

52.
He sees the ground flooding more around his shoes and there
are actual pieces of fecal matter visibly floating now.
Charles starts to reach down and pull up his pants but
remembers his hands just in time.
He stands back up and screams in frustration.
Beat
He suddenly remembers the newspaper but when he turns to look
for it he sees that it was dropped on the floor earlier and
is now wet.
Charles growls and hits the button to flush his toilet. To
his relief it flushes smoothly and he reaches down to wash
his hands in the clean water.
When he stands he pulls his pants up just to below his crack
and tries at the door again. Its at this time we see the
view from outside the door and there is a PADLOCK on it.
Charles slams the door repeatedly trying not to slip and fall
again but after a few minutes he gives up.
He tries climbing the wall but he finds this difficult with
his pants falling down. Charles stands still and quite
listening to the water for a few seconds and then.
CHARLES (CONTD)
(yelling)
HELP! HELP.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The hallways are dark and completely deserted. No one can
hear the barely audible pleas from the boys batjroom.
CUT TO:
INT. BOYS BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS
Charles stops screaming and takes a deep breath.
Beat
Then he looks down at the ground again.
He closes his eyes in disgusted submission.
CUT TO:

53.
INT. DICKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dick is just finishing a parent teacher conference. As he
watches the parent leave his office he glances over at the
clock.
Then he gets up and walks toward his bookshelf. There is an
out of place looking teddy bear propped against the books
that Dick now lifts off the shelf.
He adjusts the bears bow tie and we see that it conceals a
hidden camera.
DICK
You are on candid camera, Mr.
Laruso.
Just then his door bursts open and he drops the bear back
onto the shelf.
Tod closes the door behind himself and bursts out laughing.
TODD
You wont believe what I just did.
Todd slips the backpack off his back and sits down. He pulls
his workboots from the pack and starts to replace the
sneakers on his feet.
TODD (CONTD)
Hell never shit in peace again.
DICK
Whatd you do?
Laughing.
Dick opens the door and bounds out of his office.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOYS BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Dick slides around the corner just in time to see Charles
exiting the bathroom.
His clothes hands and even his face is stained in brown.
Oh shit.

DICK
CUT TO:

54.
INT. SCHOOL GYNASIUM - LATER
Charles stands before several boys lined up against the
bleachers. He has traded his stained clothes for an
undersized gym class uniform and he looks like a very
ridiculous gym class teacher.
Dick and a few other teachers stand back and watch as charles
checks the boys shoes to match them with his attackers.
CHARLES
I know someone orchestrated this
act of terrorism. And let me be
clear that it will be treated as an
act of terrorism.
Some of the teachers giggle and make fun of Charles behind
his back. They stop when Charles suddenly whirls in their
direction. Instead he goes over to Dick and speaks quietly.
CHARLES (CONTD)
I want this building locked down.
CUT TO:
INT. DICKS CAR - THAT NIGHT
Dick drives and talks on his ear piece. Hes laughing at what
the caller is saying to him.
DICK
Yeah, it was pretty hilarious. But
somebody is probably gonna get
suspended tomorrow. The school is
gonna be like Guantanamo bay for
the next month.
He listens.
DICK (CONTD)
Yeah, okay. Talk to you tomorrow.
INT. GROCERY STORE SECURITY BOOTH - NIGHT
Todd and another young, husky security guard stand before an
older security guard. The older guy sits in a chair looking
at the security monitor. He points as he talks.

55.
OLD GUARD
See this? These guys stroll right
down the aisles with a backpack,
wait for the coast to be clear, and
proceed to stuff the previously
empty backpack with 5 bottles of
alcohol.
He looks over at them.
OLD GUARD (CONTD)
Isnt our policy to hold backpacks
at the front of the store?
Beat
The other young guard pipes up.
YOUNG GUARD
No, sir. Actually thats Target.
The old gaurds facial expression says he is getting too old
for this job. He turns back to the screen without comment.
OLD GUARD
And these guys. They didnt even
bother with the bag. They just
walked in grabbed two bottle each
and walked right out the front
door. It was during a rush and not
one front end employee saw them
leaving.
He turns to them.
OLD GUARD (CONTD)
This is unacceptable. This is
costing the store money which is
why security hours have been
extended. And that is why you two
have been hired. There will not be
another theft at this grocery
store.
Yes, sir.

TODD

The younger guard doesnt look so sure.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
Toms son sits in the car with some friends passing around
small roach between the four of them.

56.
JAMES
No Im telling you guys, the heavy
coats are hot, bro. I go in a
basketball jersey sometimes with a
sleevless t shirt under.
The other guys laugh.
SMOKEY
What the fuck can you hide under
that?!
JAMES
At least two bottles. Maybe three.
The point is thats the same thing
the store employees are thinking
when I go in. What could I possibly
hide under there. A suspicious look
before you even get to the liqour
aisle can be the worst.
JUSTIN
Never thought of that.
JAMES
You gotta think fast in there. Once
we got caught at a grocery outlet
next to the mall in San jose. The
two cats that were with me took off
running as soon as we got out of
the store. Well I had my boots on
right? So I just stop at the soda
machine in front of the store and
start to buy one. When the security
gaurds come out they go right after
the two guys who are running. Paid
no attention to me at all. Quick
thinking, bro.
SMOKEY
This guy is getting me juiced.
SHAUN
Whats up, James? You got anything
left?
JAMES
Nah, man, Im tapped. Big business
during the holidays.
JUSTIN
Shit, bro, were parked a block
from the grocery store.
(MORE)

57.
JUSTIN (CONT'D)
Why dont we all just go hit for
whatever bottles we want!
I am down!

SHAUN

As if Smokeys agreement is a given they all look over at

James.
JAMES
(smiles)
Im not going in there. You guys
gotta be heemed out of your minds.
Its 9 oclock and in the
bootlegging game thats what we
call prime time. I dont hit during
prime time. Not to mention were
three teenage guys in hoodies and
pea coats headed for the alcohol
aisle. You guys are hot.
SMOKEY
Awe, hes probably just doesnt
want to share his store.
Shaun snaps his fingers.
Thats it.

SHAUN

JAMES
Fuck you guys, bro. I know what im
talking about.
Shaun opens the driver door and starts to get out.
SHAUN
Its okay. Well let the master
bootlegger have the night off.
The other two would be theives get out also and make sure to
heckle James as they head towards the store. James watches
them from the back window as they enter the automatic sliding
doors. He stares after them for a few more seconds.
Shit.

JAMES

He gets out and hurries after them.

58.
INT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS
James enters through the sliding door and heads for the
aisles. After passing a few he sees Shaun and the other guys
huddled on the alcohol aisle looking terribly out of place.
James continues, as if he doesnt know them and heads instead
for the magazine rack.
Once he is positioned in front of the magazines he can
pretend to read and watch the front door at the same time. He
picks up a magazine and starts to look through, sending a
glance at the door every few minutes.
It only takes a few to see what he was afraid of. He sees his
friends run out the sliding doors followed quickly by
security guards. He quickly stuffs the magazine he is reading
down his pants and starts to leave.
As the automatic door slide open he sees Shaun being
apprehended in front of the soda machine by one of the
security guards. Shaun gives him an angry look as he is
ushered back inside.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Todd chases Smokey who is slightly overweight.
TODD
Theres no way youre getting away
with those!
ASuddenly Smokey whirls around to face Todd.
SMOKEY
(out of breath)
I know.
He takes one of the bottles from his jacket and hurls it at
Todd. The bottle hits Todd in the head before falling to the
ground and shattering.
Todd falls to the ground also holding his hand to his bloody
forehead. Smokey takes off with his remaining bottle.
CUT TO:

59.
INT. SHAUNS CAR - CONTINUOUS
James sits in the backseat and watches as Shaun is led back
into the store in handcuffs also. He turns and sighs hard
leaning the back of his head against the window.
Fuck.

JAMES

Suddenly Smokey smacks his hands and face against the

opposite back window. He wears a huge grin when he opens the
door and slides in.
SMOKEY
What happened?
JAMES
Exactly what I said. They got Mike
and Shaun.
SMOKEY
(disbelief)
Whaaaaat?
JAMES
Yeah, im just waiting to see if
theyre going to let anybody go.
SMOKEY
That doesnt happen.
Suddenly Smokeys door is ripped open and the younger guard
starts to pull Smokey out. James tries to intervene but
Todds bloody hand stops him.
James turns to look at him and sees the more blood running
down his face from his forehead. He stops struggling and
watches as they take Smokey too. Todd gives James an extra
long stare as if trying to memorize his face before he turns
and leaves.
CUT TO:
EXT. JAMES APARTMENT COMPLEX - NEXT MORNING
James exits the complex gate and heads for his car parked at
the sidewalk.
He heads around the back of the car and unlocks the driver
side door, then hops in. Immediately after siting down he has
to plug his nose from the smell. He looks all around the
front seat but cant tell whats causing it. He holds his
nose with his fingers as he looks around more.

60.
Then he hops up on his knees and looks over the back seat.
His hand drops from his nose when he sees whats causing the
stink. There, piled on the floor of his backseat, are at
least 30 empty liquor bottles. Before he has a chance to
process a reaction he notices the hand that has been holding
on to the rim of the front seat is wet.
He tries to readjust himself and feels the wetness on the
knee of his jeans too. Then he realizes the situation and his
mouth drops.
He steps backwards, being sure to touch as little of the
seats as he can. When hes safely out of the car he bends and
puts his nose down to smell the seat.
His first whiff makes him retreat so fast he almost falls
backwards into the street. He quickly stands and looks down
his street towards the grocery store.
He frowns at the building and then pulls out his phone. He
dials and Shauns phone starts to ring. The voicemail picks
up and he smacks the phone against his leg in frustration.
He goes back to the list and goes back to his contact list.
His finger lingers over his moms name and at the last second
he decides not to call and instead finds another number. He
sighs and reluctantly makes the call.
CUT TO:
INT. TOMS CAR - LATER
Tom drives and James rides. Nobody talks....
TOM
(sarcastic)
Sooo, you guys planned a party and
then realized the only place you
had to bring all those people back
to was your car?
He looks over at James but James doesnt return the look or
an answer.
TOM (CONTD)
I mean cuz the only other reason I
can think of is that you were
trying to set the thing on fire for
the insurance money. I mean Im
literally still intoxicated from
just taking a whiff.
Beat

61.
JAMES
Could you go further over the speed
limit. That way either Ill make it
to school faster or die in a fiery
car crash. Either would be fine
with me about now.
TOM
Or maybe well just get pulled over
and go to jail when the cops set my
breath on fire from the fumes of
alcohol content I sniffed from your
car. That would be good except
there would be nobody left to bail
your ass out.
James turns his sulky frown towards his window.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - LATER
Toms car pulls to the curb and drops James off.
INT. CAR - LATER
\Tom and Maui sit outside MsDonalds parking lot and eat
their lucch. Tom talks in between bites of his fries.
TOM
I mean I think the kids in
trouble. But how can I possibly
make him take my help.
MAUI
(mouth full)
You cant. You should probably just
let him handle it.
TOM
Youre not a parent are you, Maui?
MAUI
Not if I can help it.
TOM
Exactly so you dont understand the
motto. By any means necessary.
Its a war my friend. Make a
mistake could cause future injury
death or, my personal nightmare,
the dead beat.

62.
MAUI
What I know is that Im really
close with my teenage nephews and
theres is a whole world out there
you dont know about. If this was
war youd be the British.
TOM
I actually think you might be right
about that. Want another egg roll?
MAUI
Nah, man. Im cutting down.
Tom stares at the top of Mauis head as he inhales the food
on his plate.
TOM
On what?.. Air?
Maui looks up in mid chew and then starts to laugh. He laughs
so hard he starts to choke.
MAUI
Youre a funny dude. You could have
your own show or something.
TOM
Uh hu. Go ahead and swallow that
last handful. Were gonna be late.
INT. DICKS LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Dick and Harry sit on the couch playing video games. After a
few moments of warfaced button mashing Dick whispers a
victorious yess as Harry deflates back into the couch
cushions. He palms a hand full of cheetos and hoovers them in
defeat.
Dick looks over, just as Harry is about to inhale another
handful, and slaps the Cheetos-hand away before it can reach
Harrys open mouth.
DICK
Christ, Harry! Thats the second
bag of Cheese puffs in 10 matches.
You going for the gold or
something?
HARRY
Nah, man. I just like Cheese
Puffs...
(MORE)

63.
HARRY (CONT'D)
The 7-11 near my house used to have
em but Horatio informed me last
week that theyve been replaced
indefinitely with extra Cheetos and
hot Cheetos just for emphasis I
guess. Puffs are being fazed out or
somethingDICK
Now see you had me at 7-11. And the
Horatio thing was a stretch. But
you really overshot it with the
replaced indefinitely bit.
HARRY
(half question)
It was too much?
DICK
You had to go for the panties
didnt you?
HARRY
I did. I had to.
DICK
You couldnt be satisfied with lips
or tits. You had to go straight for
the vuhjayjay.
HARRY
Yeah, no hand jobs for me tonight.
I want them draws.
They laugh it off.
DICK
Okay, so whats REALLY wrong here?
Beat
Beat
Harry breaks down.
HARRY
(sobs)
I hate my job! Its horrible!
(sniffs)
The other day there was this girl
on the street. And we were really
vibing man. And she was HOT. I mean
all you can eat ghost chili at the
Devils Lunchbox HOT, bro.

64.
Dick nods.
HARRY (CONTD)
(blubber/ramble)
But her friend was really big and I
gave her a ticket because I thought
she was hot too but she wasnt. And
so when I was waiting for the hot
girl to find a pen for her number
she starts talking about this Hall
of Fame Dick of Meter Maid that she
heard about and I just froze and
then totally catted off. And nowDICK
Wait, catted off?
HARRY
Yeah, I said I was going inside the
coffee shop to get a pen and just
slipped out the back door..........
Ive been helping my brother with
his after school program a lot
lately.
DICK
Ohhh, like a cat. Gotcha. Well, I
really couldnt grasp a lot of that
but it seems that the golden nugget
here is in the form of a lesson.
Orrr, maybe just a question.
Beat
DICK (CONTD)
How are you a meter maid that
doesnt have a pen on him?
HARRY
(defensive)
Were not allowed to have cell
phones when were working the
streets. Im used to putting
numbers in that.
DICK
Well, what do you write tickets
with? Your penis?
Beat

65.
HARRY
You know, I actually think I did
leave my pen inside the coffee shop
when I went in there.
DICK
Well I think you left your balls in
there too. Maybe you should give
them a call.
HARRY
Come on, man. Im serious. I cant
tell a hot girl Im a meter maid.
Its like the only uniform that
doesnt get you laid.
DICK
(more to himself)
Not unless youre dropping quarters
in her slot.
HARRY
And thats exactly why I didnt
want to talk to you about this.
DICK
It was a joke.
HARRY
Youre so immature. Tom says it all
the time and even Todd thinks so.
HARRY (CONTD)
Todd!? Im being judged by a 33
year old janitor now?!
HARRY (CONTD)
Youre the vice principal of his
school, Dick. Youre best friends
with half the students.
DICK
Well, see thats just where we
differ in opinion there, Harry. See
i happen to love my job. I also
happen to think Im helping these
kids a lot more than your average
educator. And I am their friend. In
some cases their only friend. And
you know what, Im proud of that.
Harry looks over at the screen and then the cheetos bowl.

66.
HARRY
Look, Im sorry, man. I just cant
take this meter maid thing anymore.
You guys are my only friends. Ive
been hanging with tom a lot and he
cant stand being a repo man
either. Plus he thinks his kid is
in some kind of trouble with a
store hes stealing from.
Who Abby?

DICK

HARRY
Nah, of course not. James.
DICK
Ohh James. Yeah.
HARRY
Yeah, I guess some security guards
arm was injured in an attempted
theft of some alcohol. James had
something to do with it and now the
security guard is after him or
something. Its depressing.
DICK
Wow, really? Thats actually kind
of scary.
HARRY
Yeah, were gonna go stake out in
front of his exs apartments
tonight and see if we can pick up
and shady activity.
Really?

DICK

Harry nods.
DICK (CONTD)
Yeah, I think i might need to be in
on that.
They both sit thinking.
CUT TO:

67.
INT. DICKS SCHOOL OFFICE - NEXT MORNING
Dick walks into the office with the looks of a long night
behind him. The receptionist sees him and gives a sympathetic
smile.
SECRETARY
Its hard being a celebrity, hu?
DICK
I wish, Debbie. We were staked out
in front of one of my friends exgirlfriends apartment. We were
hoping to catch some action but it
was really just a bust. Well
definitely be trying again though.
Maybe tonight.
He strecthes his arms sleepily at this last part and happens
to notice the receptionist staring at him strangely. He stops
stretching, and talking, and quickly gets his mail from his
box. Then he exits without another word.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Dick stands in the lounge making his protein shake as the
same three teachers from before sit and converse at the table
behind him. When hes done he turns to leave but stops at he
echers ble and sucks the shake through his straw.
DICK
Hey, any of you guys know where
Todd is? Theres a little problem
with the lights in my office I
wanted to ask him about.
Well, I
because
the job
helping

MR. SONNIER
heard hes takin some PTO
his brother got injured on
or somewhere and hes
out.

Dick finishes another long swig of shake.

DICK
Really? Thanks. Ill just wait
then.
He turns to leave again but-

68.
MR. SONNIER
But Miss. Johnson overheard him
talking on the phone ehile he was
fixing the girls bathroom sink and
he was talking about making some
kids life a living hell. Said he
really needed to put some time into
it. From the sound of it the kid
was the one who caused his
brothers injury.
DICK
(more sincere)
Really?
MRS. PRIAN
Uh, but you didnt hear that from
us.
DICK
Oh, of course not. I would never. I
mean
(in confidence)
Were teachers.
They all agree and Dick heads out of the lounge drinking his
shake.
EXT. JAMES APARTM COMPEX - NIGHT
We see Todds big SUV parked a ways back from James car.
INT. TOMS SUV - CONTINUOUS
Tom and Dick sit in the front while Harry sits in the back.
All three men eat from tupperware bowls.
HARRY
What is this, Hamburger Helper?
They dont carry this flavor at the
store by my house. Whatever it is
its great!
TOM
Its jambalaya. Jambalaya
Wednesday.
DICK
(between mouthfuls)
Must be nice. Its usually Ramen
Wednesdays for me.
(MORE)

69.
DICK (CONT'D)
Its actually probably been the
year of the ramen noodle at my
house.
HARRY
Your tellin me. I used have to pack
a lunch when I came over.
They laugh.
Beat
DICK
So what are you going to do to this
guy when you find out who it is?
Tom shovels the last forkful of Jambalaya Wednesday into his
mouth with with a distant frown.
TOM
Im gonna make his life hell. Im
talkin callin in my vacation days
for the next 3 years and really
dedicating some man hours to it. I
already cleared out a space in the
garage for a command center.
HARRY
That sounds awesome! I am in!
TOM
Who knows? After a week or two I
might even let Todd get some. This
is just the kind of thing that
would float his sick little boat,
right.
DICK
(nodding)
Probably so.
HARRY
Yeah, that would be the best, man!
I would definitely burn some PTO
for that.
Dicks glances to the backseat again at this but neither of
his friends notice.
TOM
(laughing)
I know right. It would be like
those old school WWF tag matches.

70.
HARRY
(monster announcer voice)
LEGION OF DOOM!
YEAHHH!

BOTH

HARRY
Todd would make it awesome.
TOM
Todd would make it Phenomenal!
DICK
I think its Todd.
The excitment dies abruptly. Tom looks over at Dick but
doesnt say anything.
HARRY
Who is Todd.
DICK
He told me in the car, on the way
back from JC that hes been working
as a security guard for some
grocery store at night.
HARRY
Yeah, he told me the same thing.
But how do you know he works here.
DICK
Good question. And the answer is
twofold. One, he came into the
school today to pick up some things
and I noticed his arm was in a
sling and his face was cut. Didnt
you say that one of James friends
threw a bottle at one of the
security guards and he was hurt.
Yes.

TOM

DICK
Okay. Two, when I asked him what
his plans were for his paid time
off he said he had just started a
new project with some kid who hit
him and was probably drunk. Im
betting that kid is James.

71.
HARRY
That sounds pretty thin to me.
TOM
I dont believe I didnt see it
before. It was probably the best
prank Ive ever seen and I didnt
even make the connection.
He starts up the SUV.
HARRY
What are you doing?
TOM
Going to look him in the face and
see the truth.
Tom starts to car throws it into drive and peels off. But
when he hits the gas the truck lurches and there is a loud
crash from behind them followed by an even louder car alarm.
Harry snaps back to see what happened and groans.
Oh, shit.

HARRY

Tom doesnt want to look. He stares straight ahead with his

hands on the wheel like a child pretending to drive.
The presumed owners of the car come out of the apartment and
began to react hysterically over the damage. Dick gets out to
go see. Harry is still in shock.
HARRY (CONTD)
What just happened?
He got us.

TOM

From outside the vehicle we now see a heavy chain hanging

from the back bumper of Toms SUV. On the other side of the
chain is the other cars bumber torn off and lying on the
ground.
From the back we see someone has placed a bumper sticker just
above Toms license plate. GET OFF MY ASS
CUT TO:

72.
EXT. TODDS HOUSE - NEXT MORNING
We are CLOSE on the back of Todds truck and he has the same
bumper sticker that was on the back of Toms SUV after the
accident-- Todd suddenly walks passed the truck and down the
driveway in his underwear and a robe.
He heads for the mailbox with cereal bowl in hand. Once there
he opens the hatch and stcks a hand in. He quickly pulls his
hand ou however after he feels something strange.
He leans his head down and looks inside the box. Inside there
is a Styrofoam cup that he seems to have knocked over with
his hand. Because of the relative darkness inside Todd moves
his head closer and inadvertently gets a whiff. The smell is
so surprisingly bad he steps off the curb in recoil and hears
the loud splat from where his feet should have met pavement.
Todd
both
ever
shit

moves his cereal bowl to the side and looks down to see
his feet ankle deep in the biggest pile of shit hes
seen. It actually looks like a collection of different
from different asses all collected together.

Pressed against the curb directly in front of the shit pile

is a bumper sticker. It reads DONT SWEAT THE SMALL SHIT
with a smiley face at the end.
Todd stands there staring down at it as someone passes by on
their bicycle.
CUT TO:
INT. TOMS BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING
Tom wakes up from a bad dream. He turns his head to see the
alarm clock on the nightstand. It shows the time and the day
of the week. When he realizes its Sunday he relaxes and
smiles. He closes his eyes back and turns over forgetting all
about the bad dream. He goes back to sleep.
INT. TOMS BEDROOM - 12:30
Tom wakes up again, this time from a much better dream.
He turns over and looks at the clock. Then he smiles and
rolls out of bed.

73.
INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Tom finishes peeing and presses the button to flush. He
watches the water in the toilet bowl disappear down the whole
and is about to turn and leave when he notices something
strange-- The toilet water doesnt come back.
He rechs down and presses the button again but gets nothing.
Tom stares down at the toilet sleepily... And Finally-TOM
(low grumble)
NFC Championship game.
He turns away from the toilet and leaves the bathroom.
INT. TOMS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Tom pours some milk over his cereal, puts it back in the
fridge, and takes his bowl over to the sink to stare out the
window.
After a few bites he puts the bowl down and tries to open the
window. It wont budge and after a few more unsuccessful
tries he quits. He takes his bowl to the living room a little
less happy with his morning.
INT. TOMS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
TOM
If you, the God of house chores,
thinks Im gonna fix anything today
youre sadly mistaken. This is NFC
Championship Sunday! Gods
universal day of rest!
The smile returns to Toms face as he sits down on the couch
in front of the huge plasma tv and picks up the remote.
TOM (CONTD)
Are you ready for some football.
He clicks the television on-- Fizz.
He flips the cable box on and off and then the television
again-- Fizz.
He sighs hard and gets up to go check the television. He puts
the bowl down on top of the television. As the bowl makes
contact the television blares to life with clear picture.

74.
Tom roars like his team scored a touchdown. He takes his bowl
and heads back to his spot on the couch. As he starts to sit
down the picture on the screen falters again.. And then-Fizz.
TOM (CONTD)
(screaming)
JESUS!! ARENt YOU WATCHING
FOOTBALL TODAY!!? WELL, HOW ABOUT A
LITTLE HELP FOR THE REST OF US!!?
He gets up angrily, leaving his bowl this time, and starts to
check the connections on the tv.
When hes done checking all the connections he turns around
confused.
TOM (CONTD)
GOD DAMN, satellite dish.
Then he goes for the front door. Once there he puts on his
slippers sulkily and reaches for the doorknob. It turns just
fine but when Tom pulls nothing happens. He pulls again
harder and gets the same result. Nothing.
He kicks the door hard and then goes to work on it, trying to
pry it open with all his might.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
After five or six minutes hes exhausted sweaty and hasnt
made any progress. He glares at the door angry and confused.
Then he turns furiously and heads out of the room towards the
kitchen, and the back door. On the way he grabs the cordless
phone from the kitchen counter, hits the button, and puts it
to his ear.
Just as he reaches the washroom door, which leads to the back
door he stops and pulls the phone down from his ear to look
at it strangely. There is no dial tone.
TOM
What the hell is going onAnd then he realizes.
He reaches for the washrrom doorknob.
TOM (CONTD)
You son of a sk-

75.
The smell hits him first. Tom has opened the washroom door
and his eyes widen in horror when he sees whats inside.
Inside the washroom glaring at him angrily from the floor is
the biggest skunk Tom has ever seen.
They both stare at each other in a battle of wills. Then the
skunk breaks eye contact and turns its back also lifting
its tail.
SHIIT!

TOM (CONTD)

Tom runs.
He heads for the living room remembers the front door and
hangs a left at the hallway.
He makes it into the bedroom but when he reaches back to
close the door he realizes there isnt one.
Tom turns back and takes a few moments to inspect the the
bare frame and hinges where his bedroom door used to be.
Son of a-

TOM (CONTD)

The skunk steps into the hallway.

Tom sees and heads for the bathroom but he can see theres no
door there either.
He takes the same left back out into the kitchen and goes for
the washroom. -- When he gets to the door the smell hits him
again.
From here he can see through the open washroom to the back
door of the house. He looks at the knob and knows it will be
stuck to. And then he will be stuck in that disgusting
washroom.
He turns back towards the living room and sees the skunk
staring at him and blocking the way to the living room.
They stare each other down again.
Tom reaches over and grabs a two pronged battery powered hand
mixer from the counter. Then he slides an oven mit over the
other hand. He stares at the skunk-- READY
CUT TO:

76.
EXT. TOMS HOUSE - LATER
One of Toms neighbors, and old lady, comes around the side
of his house with a policeman and a firefighter. They all
stare at the scene before them.
Tom sits on the grass, out of breath and still in his
pajamas. One of the prongs from the mixer is gone and he
still has the oven mit on his other hand.
TOM
(out of breath)
I couldnt beat it. It was just too
strong.
We see that the kitchen window is broken and looks like the
way Tom exited the house.
The old lady looks back at the officer and the firefighter.
OLD LADY
This is why I dont cook health
food.
INT. DICKS HOUSE - LATER
Dick sits on the couch with his game controller on his lapthe screen is paused.
Tom and Harry stand together talking to Dick.
HARRY
He keeps calling in sick for me. I
had my ass chewed for two hours
yesterday because this was the
second time they called in my
replacement and then showed up.
They have to pay us both, you know.
TOM
Look this guy attacked my house on
NFC Championship Sunday. I mean
isnt a mans livelihood sacred.
Not to mention hes got the cable
guy the phone guy and the plumber
all working for him now. Its time
to kick it up to Defcon 3!
DICK
(trying not to laugh)
Wait, do we en have a Defcon 3.

77.
TOM
Oh, you think its funny cuz it
aint happening to you yet.
DICK
No I think its very serious
situation when 3 grown middle aged
men are standing in my doorway
crying about a game of PUNKD.
Tom looks to Harry.
TOM
(to Harry)
He thinks its funny.
Harry agrees.
DICK
Okay. Okay. I do think its sort of
hilarious. I mean I did warn you
guys, rather strongly, about
getting involved with this dude.
Now its blown up in your faces.
But thats not the point. The
point, in question form, is ,What
do you want me to do?.
HARRY
Aww come on. Youre the VICE
PRINCIPAL. Cant you fire him or
something? Suspend him without pay?
TOM
Hell, I say you take the paddle to
his ass in front of the whole
school. Show all these new
millenium brats about what a vice
principal used to be.
DICK
Listen guys, Im sorry but it
doesnt work like that. I dont
have hire/fire power. I can barely
suspend a kid without that asshole
Charles signing off on it-- Plus,
Ive got a mind to let you boys
handle your own mess. It builds
character.
He turns back to the tv and unpauses his game.
When he does a message pops on the screen that says Internet
Signal Lost.

78.

What?!

DICK (CONTD)

He gets up to check his connections. When he does the power

in the house goes out.
They are now all standing in the dark.
Beat
DICK (CONTD)
Defcon 3, hu?
INT. TOMS HOUSE - NIGHT
Pam sits on a chair in the living room reading a book while
THE DAUGHTER watches cartoons on tv. Tom is not there.
Suddenly, Pam hears Toms phone vibrating on the end table-The sound of the vibration causes her to glance over but only
for a moment. And then shes back to reading.
Beat
She looks back over realizing what she saw.
She reaches down and clicks the button-- Its a text message
notification and the senders name is Peaches. Pam frowns
and presses the notification to read the message-- Peaches
says Hey Tommy! I know were supposed to keep it in JC but
my little friend is sooo wet right now shes overflowing:)
She wants to know when are you coming back to RAM out these
steamy pipes again.. Ill keep it waiting for you..
Pam frowns harder and picks up the phone. Then starts to text
back.
INT. TOMS BEDROOM - LATER
Tom comes into the dark bedroom and slides into bed next to
Pam, who has her back turned to his side of.
He quietly reaches over and kisses her cheek. And then lays
down to sleep himself.
We see that Pams eyes are still open. And angry.
INT. DICKS CAR - DAY
Dick and Harry sit parked in Dicks car waiting.

79.
DICK
I cant believe hes gonna take it
this far.
HARRY
Theres no choice. Todds too smart
and he knows all the tricks. Weve
gotta change the game.
Just then a car starts to exit the gate of the Public Storage
theyre parked in front of.
It is a BEAUTIFUL fully restored 1967 CORVETTE. It pulls out
slowly onto the street in front of them and we see its full
pristine condition. It positively glows in the sunlight.
Suddenly the horn bumps and a hand waves from the driver side
window-- we now see Tom behind the wheel of the car.
DICK
Its his prized possession. I just
cant believe hed put it on the
line.
Harry puts a firm hand on his shoulder.
HARRY
DEFCON 3, baby!
Tom signals them to follow him.
EXT. TOMS HOUSE - NIGHT
Tom stands near the bushes alongside his garage. He speaks
quietly into his cell phone.
TOM
Yeah, but just enough. Think top
sirloin, ya know. Not ground chuck.
E lisens for few seconds and laughs.
TOM (CONTD)
(laughing)
I understand. Wel you guys go have
some fun then. Call me after.
Om hangs uplooks upand almost has a heart attack when he sees the woman standing
at the corner of his garage staring at him.

80.
VICTORIA
What the FUCK are you up to.
TOM
Wh-What?! What are you talking
about? Why are you here?
VICTORIA
Well I was going to knock at the
door until I heard your goofy laugh
coming from the bushes.
TOM
HaHa. You didnt answer my question- as usual.
She eyes him coldly.
Beat
Well.

TOM (CONTD)

VICTORIA
Got a joint?
Tom stares at her in disbelief then-TOM
Yeah, sure.
CUT TO:
INT. VICTORIAS CAR - LATER
Tom and victoria talk as they finish the joint.
VICTORIA
Hes a janitor, Tom. A Janitor. You
really want to get in a shit
throwing contest with a guy who
cleans toilets for a living?
TOM
Listen, the guys going after my
son. What do you want from me? He
came to my house. Clearly against
the code!

81.
VICTORIA
Tom-- Your son-- You know the one
that pretends he hates you because
he cant yet understand the
complexities of love? The one who
does everything he can to get your
attention? The one you desperately
want sand need to be an example
to?
Tom takes a big guilty drag on the joint. His eyes nod for
him.
VICTORIA (CONTD)
Hes watching you.
Tom stares at her for a few moments and then takes a closer
look at the joint hes been smoking.
EXT. TOMS HOUSE - LATER
Tom creeps back to his driveway and then switches to a
confident stroll on his way to the front door.
INT. TOMS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Tom slips into the front door and takes off his shoes quietly
before heading for the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Tom comes into the kitchen and smiles at his wife and
daughter chattering while the radio plays in the background.
Pam washes dishes with her back to him and Amy sits at a
stool at the counter-- She smiles big when she sees him come
in but he gives her a shhh sign and sneaks in behind his
wife.
At the last moment He wraps his arma around her waist and
pecks her cheek-- Then he heads for the fridge.
He opens the door and actually starts to sing with the radio
while he shops.
PAM (V.O.)
You two have a good talk.
Tom freezes with a cheesecake half out of the fridge.
TOM
Uh, yeah. Nothing serious.

82.
He turns and closes the fridge door seemingly composed. He
stares at her back concentrating and she turns with a knowing
smile.
TOM (CONTD)
Is there like a tracking device
injected into my arm or something.
Why am i surrounded by women who
know me better than I know myself.
He goes over to tickle Amy on her stool.
AMY
(laughing)
CAKE!!!
Pam turns back to her dishes.
PAM
(more to herself)
Its a gift.
INT. MAUIS BROTHERS AUTOBODY SHOP - NIGHT
The shop is obviously closed but some of the lights are on.
The shop itself looks more like a showroom than some
mechanics garage. Many beautiful cars are parked and in
various stages of repair/restore.
We see the security cameras with its tell tale red light
confirming its all seeing eye. Suddenly the light flips off
and the camera stops panning.
Shortly after a door opens and Todd slips inside closing it
behind him. There is a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He
whistles at the selection in front of him.
TODD
Well well, you really should have
an actual security guard for stuff
like this.
He breaks his daze and heads for what he came to do.
At the end of the row he finds what hes looking for. Toms
Corvette sits pristine and gleaming under the showroom
lights. Todd grins ear to ear.
He drops the bag pulls out the wheeled cart then kneels to
lay his back on it.
He reaches inside his bag and grabs a socket wrench and then
slides underneath the car.

83.
Minutes later something kicks his leg and he slides out.
He is now looking up at the huge and angry looking Maui.
MAUI
Man, what the FUCK are you doing in
my cousins shop..
Todd stammers and puts his hands up like theres a cop
standing over him.
TODD
Its just a prank. I wasnt
stealing anything.
MAUI
Yeah I bet.
He reaches down to grab Todd.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Tom, Dick and Harry all laugh hysterically over their meal.
HARRY
So let me get this straight. He
actually broke into the place and
they caught him still underneath
the car?! Thats Amazing comic
timing, man!
TOM
Yeah, and the thing about it is
considering all the pricey
merchandise inside they could have
called the cops on him and hed be
cooling his heels for at least 2 to
5.
Dick stops them.
DICK
So what exactly happened?
Tom stares over at him like hes pissed on the parade.
TOM
Well, they gave em a choice, of
course. Thats what real men do,
right? I mean it wasnt exactly a
cake or pie decision but at least
he had a choice.
(MORE)

84.
TOM (CONT'D)
I know some guys in my old neck of
the woods thatd melt your balls
with a blow torch for foolin with a
mans ride. You know? No questions
asked.
DICK
I understand and Im just asking as
a friend. Dont you think you
should be worried about some
serious retaliation from this
maybe. I mean it sounds like they
worked him over pretty good-TOM
They didnt melt his balls.
HARRY
Hes got a point.
Dick gives them a look.
TOM
Im saying, everythings gotta end
somewhere, right? When a guy digs a
homerun off his shovel in the
bottom of the ninth it hurts the
other team but you know what? You
gotta take it. Its the nature of
sport, my friend. Somebodys gotta
win and somebodys gotta lose but
save the pouting for the press
conference!
DICK
What does that even mean?
TOM
If guys are allowed to just jack up
shots after the buzzer then what
does that mean for the integrity of
the sport? Itd be chaos.
Dick shakes his head and stares down at his fries.
HARRY
Yep, its all fun and games til
somebody gets their balls melted.
They both laugh hard at this until Toms phone vibrates a
text message alert. Tom reaches down and checks the message
below the table. Its from Tod-This aint over.

85.
Toms smile falters a little before he shoves the phone back
in his pocket...
INT. TOMS OFFICE - TWO WEEKS LATER
Tom and Maui are on their way out to make their rounds.
TOM
How about, my Dodgers seats for
half the season. My Herchel Walker
signed rookie card-He closes his eyes at this last part.
TOM (CONTD)
And your choice of lunch
destination for a year.
Maui perks up at this.
MAUI
Ohh yeah. Ill take it!
He pats Tom hard on the back.
MAUI (CONTD)
Youre probably going to regret
this.
TOM
My cholesterol levels are rising as
we speak.
COWORKER (V.O.)
Hey Tom! Phone!
Tom turns and nods for Maui to go on ahead.
INT. BACK OICE - MOMENTS LATER
Tom answers the phone.
Heello?

TOM

TOD (V.O.)
Hiyah, Tommy boy.
TOM
What the hell do you want? A
rematch?

86.
TOD (V.O.)
(laughing)
Thats funny, Tom. Especially
because, as far Im concerned, it
was never over. You crossed a line,
friend. You brought other people
into our game. Thats against the
rules and I must retaliate in like
fashion.
TOM
What the hell are u talking about?
You broke the rules when you came
into my house where my wife and
child also resideTOD (V.O.)
Not true, Tom. I took great care
not to involve your family in any
way. That prank was only meant for
you and thats how I planned it.
You cheated, Tom! And now Im gonna
show you what happens to cheaters
when they get caught.
Tod hangs up before Tom can answer. Tom looks at the reciever
in his hand for a few moments.... And then he realizes
something and gets up to leave.
INT. TOMS CAR - LATER
Tom drives while talking to his phone on speaker. Harry is on
the line.
HARRY (V.O.)
I really dont remember much from
that last weekend, Tom. Sorry.
TOM
(yelling)
Listen, Harry! Because my life
could be in danger right now.
Forget the hardworking people
double parked in front of you and
force your brain to recall the name
of the stripper Tod gave my number
to that night!
Silence from Harrys end.
Beat

87.
TOM (CONTD)
(roaring)
Come on, Harry! For Christs sakes!
HARRY (V.O.)
Uhh-- I think it was something like
Sunny or Sandy.. More like SAMMY!
Yeah, thats it! It was SAMMY! I
remember because when she said it I
realized the tattoo on her neck
wasnt the name of an ex boyfriend!
Tom has a flashback and remembers the name he saw on the
message alert for Pams phone. It was Sammy.
HARRY
Man, was she hot except for that
tatto. ITom hangs up before he can finish and stretches his head over
the wheel focusing on the road ahead.
TOM
(gritted teeth)
F-u-c-k.
EXT. TOMS HOUSE - LATER
Toms car Screeches to a stop at the curb and he hops out of
the car leaving the door open.
As he gets to the sidewalk Pam comes out of the house and
stands on the steps.
They stare at each other for a long time.
Beat
Beat
Then Tom starts towards her. He braces for the impact but
when they reach each other she hugs him tight.
When they let go and look at each other Tom speaks.
TOM
How did you know?
She stares at him for a long while.

88.
VALERIE
I know everything about you Tom. I
know you pee in the sink sometimes
when the football game is on and
you cant wait for a commercial
break. I know you smoke a joint
when you poop sometimes. And then
you have the nerve to come out and
say its your poop smell. I know
you erase the pictures from your
phone the morning after your secret
JC trips because I check your phone
when youre drunk sleeping the
night before.
(a tear)
But I know you dont cheat..
Because when youre dreaming or
when youre drunk dialing
(pause)
You always say my name.
The tears fall down her cheeks.
Valerie-

TOM

VALERIE
I love you.
They smile at each other and then the BIG kiss.
After a few moments Tom pulls back with a serious look on his
face.
VALERIE (CONTD)
Whats wrong?
TOM
Something Ive gotta do.
Tom?

VALERIE

His face relaxes for a moment as he looks into her eyes.

TOM
I love you too.
He kisses her again. Then he turns and heads for the car.
VALERIE
What are you gonna do?
CLOSE

89.
TOM
Man shit, baby.
He gets in closes the door and speeds off.
EXT. DICKS SCHOOL - LATER
Its lunch time at Dicks schol and to add to the fun there
is an away football game tonight so the football team cheer
team and band members, as well as other students are all
outside near the buses.
Toms car yelps into the handicapped space right next to
Tods pickup. He gets out and slams the door.
He starts towards the front doors but bumps into a scrawny
band member before eyeing the boy menacingly. Then Tom has an
idea.
TOM
You know Tod the janitor.
The kid looks confused and a little scared.
KID
Not personally.
Tom frowns and looks around the school yard.
TOM
(yelling loudly)
ANYBODY KNOW WHERE TOD THE JANITO
IS RIGHT NOW!!
ALL the students stop what theyre doing to turn and stare at
the crazy dad guy.
HECKLER (V.O.)
CLEANIN SHIT!
The crowd laughs at this. But Tom just fixes them with a
defiant glare.
Then he turns and heads for his trunk. Once there he opens it
and grabs his slugger.
A fe students start to murmur as he calmy strodes to the
driver side window of Tods truck. He pulls the bat up behind
his head and does a little shimmy-Then SMASHES the window to pieces causing a loud car alarm to
go off. The students react in different ways to this; laughs,
cheers, and OOOOOHHHs.

90.
Tom tosses the bat onto the driver seat of Tods truck then
turns and waits.
A few minutes later Tod comes outside with Dick not far
behind him.
TODD
(in shock)
What the hell do you think youre
doing.
Dick palms his forehead.
Oh shit.

DICK

TOM
You fuck with my wife! I fuck with
your life!
TODD
Are you losin it, Tom? At my job in
broad daylight with a hundred
witnesses? Poor form, buddy.
DICK
What are you doing?
TOM
You heard me, punk! Now get out
here and get whats comin to you.
WHOAAAAA.

STUDENTS

Tod looks around feeling the pressure of the mob.

DICK
What!!
(to Tod)
Dont go over there. Were at a
highschool for Christs sakes. This
is your job.
TOD GIVES THE CROWD ANOTHER LOOKTOD.

TODD
(to Dick)
Thats my truck.

91.
He pulls his janitor hat down over his eyes and heads towards
Tom.
Tom cracks his knuckle as Tod approaches.
DICK
Tom! I dont believe this! Really?!
In front of a hundred kids?! What
if it were your son?!!
Tom isnt listening.
TOM
(under his breath)
Come to Daddy asshole.
Suddenly Principal Charles comes out the front doors and
blows his whistle loudly. Hes holding the teddy bear cam
from Dicks office.
He walks directly over to Dick and hands it to him.
CHARLES
I was gonna borrow this and use it
to spy on the Cougars playbook
during the game tonight.
He says this in passing as he heads towards Tom and Tod.
Dick looks down at the bear.
DICK
Oh-- OH SHIT.
Charles reaches the two combatants who were just about to
come to blows a few seconds ago. He walks up to Tod.
TODD
Listen boss. This guy is crazy.
Look what he did to my truck!
Tod.
Yeah?

CHARLES
TODD

Beat
Charles pulls back, winds up, and smashes a punch into Tods
waiting face. Tod flies backwards and falls to the ground
hard, and unconscious.

92.
STUDENTS
(much louder)
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
DICK
(in unison)
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Tom looks disappointed. Charles looks over to him.,
CHARLES
Sorry about that.
Tom stares down at Tods limp body for a few more moments-and then lets it go.
TOM
(to Charles.)
No problem. Guess it wasnt meant
to be.
When he says this he realizes something about his recent
unhappiness with his life.
He looks over at Dick.
TOMN
SEE YA LATER!
Dick waves the bear smiling.
Tom looks at the football team and raises his fist high.
TOM
NOW LETS GO KICK SOME AMERICAN
EAGLE ASS!!!
The crowd responds with a HUGE collective roar and Charles
starts to pump his fist too, forgetting about Tod and turning
towards the team.
Tom gives Dick one more look across the crowd. He shakes his
fist.
Dick raises the bear and mimics Toms gesture.
Then Tom turns and heads for his car as everyone prepares to
go.

93.
INT. TOMS CAR - LATER
Tom drives and Talks to Harry on the speaker.
CUT TO:
INT. METER MAIDS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Harry talks into his phone while he gets dressed.
HARRY
(excited)
Yeah, man. She said her friends
been on a total health kick ever
since. She actually thinks I was
trying to do some weird type of
subliminal motivational-- shit.
CUT TO:
INT. TOMS CAR - CONTINUOUS
Tom smiles broadly at the news.
TOM
Thats great, man!! But dont let
her make you think it was the fat
friend. She wanted you man.
Harry laughs over toms speaker.
HARRY (V.O.)
I dont know, but I hope.
TOM
Im tellin you, dude. Chicks dig
the uniform. It doesnt matter
which!
CUT TO:
INT. METER MAIDS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS
HARRY
Hey, you and Valerie wanna come
with? It would really help to keep
things flowing in the right
direction, you know.
Silence.

94.
Beat
Harry checks the screen on his phone.
Hello.

HARRY (CONTD)
CUT TO:

INT. TOMS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Tom is stopped at a red light staring intently at the screen
of his own phone with a huge grin.
Then we see what hes smiling at. Valerie has sent him a
picture message of her in stripper costume and a sexy
expression.
TOM
(to Harry)
No go, dude-- I gotta go get my
balls melted.......

....THE END

95.