HAL DOWN THE HALL

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2016

Characters
Hal - 55, aggravating, obnoxious, but not really a bad guy
once you get to know him
Jess - 23, thin, attractive, confrontational
Joe - 25, doesnt take things seriously, easy to get along
with, somewhat unintelligent, has a bit of the LA surfer boy
personality type
Sally - 50, tough, doesnt take crap from anyone, but can
also be friendly, and occasionally shows her vulnerable side
Carlos - 25, South American, almost never smiles, serious
demeanor, not sociable or friendly, quiet--but in an
intimidating kind of way
Jackie - 23, cheerful, pleasant, outgoing
1

INT. JESSS APARTMENT - DAY

JESS (23, thin, attractive) is watching TV in a small,

somewhat messy apartment. The doorbell rings. Jess turns off
the TV walks to the door, and looks in the peephole. She
opens the door to reveal HAL (55).
HAL
Hi.
JESS
(hostile, unfriendly)
... Seriously?
HAL
Um. Lets try that one more time.
Im gonna say "hi." And then youre
gonna say...
JESS
Bye.
She closes the door. The doorbell rings again, and she opens
the door.
HAL
OK. That was a little better. But
lets try it one more time. Im
gonna say "hi." And then youre
gonna say...

2.

JESS
How did you get into the building?
He walks in, and Jess closes the door. Hal examines the
room.
HAL
Well. This is a nice place.
JESS
What do you want?
HAL
Nothing. Im just saying. This is a
nice place. Its a little messy,
though.
JESS
Well. Youll have to excuse the
mess. I didnt expect you to show
up like this, unannounced after
eight years.
HAL
Yeah. Well. ... So, youre really
a, you know... a grown up.
JESS
Yeah. I vote, I pay taxes, I use
tampons.
HAL
Um. I heard that you got a job at
Neiman Marcus.
JESS
Yes.
HAL
So what do you do there?
JESS
... I work there.
HAL
Oh. Thats interesting. Now, when
you say work, do you mean work, or
work?
JESS
I mean work.

3.

HAL
Oh. Work. That sounds like a lot of
work.
JESS
Yeah. Well. I guess you gotta get
going now. Theres that thing you
have to go to.
HAL
What thing?
JESS
Whatever. Make something up.
HAL
I have to, um, go to my friends
wedding.
JESS
Great. Bye.
HAL
Wait. I just remembered. I dont
have any friends.
He spots a picture of her with the Dalai Lama.
HAL
Is that the Dalai Lama?
JESS
No. Thats his stunt double, Rusty.
HAL
(looks at the picture, and
then looks back at Jess)
... You look awfully thin.
(takes a half full pack of
M&Ms out of his pocket)
You want some M&Ms?
JESS
(annoyed)
Uggh.
She takes out a cigarettes, puts one in her lips, and starts
reaching for a lighter.
HAL
Since when do you smoke? How long
have you been smoking?

4.
JESS
I dont know. Three years.
HAL
How come no one told me about your
smoking?
JESS
Hm. Thats a good question. How
come my absent father doesnt know
that I smoke?
HAL
I am not your absent father. I was
present for the first 15 years.
And, um, I paid child support the
next four.
JESS
Does that mean I should call you
daddy?
HAL
Well--whatever you want to call me,
the point is that I dont want you
to smoke.
JESS
Uh. You work for a tobacco company!
HAL
But my company doesnt make
cigarettes for people like you.
JESS
People like me?
HAL
Girls shouldnt smoke!
JESS
Im not a girl. Im a grown up.
Remember the tampons?
HAL
The point is, my company
makes cigarettes for grown men. Men
who drink beer at a bar after they
work as a lumberjack for ten hours.
Men who ride horses and lasso cows.
Men who eat a pound of bacon before
they go to bed. Theyre the ones
who should be smoking. Not my 22
year old daughter.

5.

JESS
Im 24.
HAL
Honey--you know Im not good at
math.
JESS
Knowing your daughters age isnt
math. By the way--its my birthday
today.
HAL
Oh. Happy birthday, honey.
JESS
What the hell are you talking
about?! My birthday was three weeks
ago! You dont know my age, or my
birthday!
HAL
... Honey. What you just did is
called entrapment. Its illegal.
JESS
Im not 24. Im 23! Uggh! You just
walked in here, and youve already
been wrong about my age twice. Now
will you please stop playing the
role of my father who wants me to
stop smoking?
HAL
OK. Well. I guess you want me
to butt out. ... By the way, thats
a cigarette pun. Butt out.
I thought Id lighten the mood with
some smoking humor. Or, as we in
the industry like to call it, a
"smokey-jokey."
Jess smokes her cigarette and stares at him.
HAL
OK. Ill butt out.
JESS
Great.
He looks in the bathroom, and sees some aftershave.

6.

HAL
Is that aftershave?
He spots something in the bedroom. He takes a few steps
towards the bedroom.
HAL
Are those boxer shorts?
No response.
He spots some more boxer shorts
HAL
Theres another pair. And another.
Thats three. Three pairs of boxer
shorts.
JESS
Well. Apparently, youre not that
bad at math, as long as it doesnt
involve my birthday.
HAL
Whose underwear is that?
JESS
My boyfriends.
HAL
Youre living with your boyfriend?
JESS
No. I just like how his underwear
matches the color of my floor.
HAL
How come no one told me you were
living with your boyfriend? How
long have you been seeing him?
JESS
Butt out! And get out! Go back to
your life in Chicago.
HAL
Oh. That reminds me. Ive got some
good news. ... I just moved to LA.
JESS
What?

7.

HAL
I got a job here with my old
company, LD Tobacco.
JESS
What was wrong with your job in
Chicago?
HAL
Well. My parking spot was way too
far from my office. Also, I got
fired.
JESS
There are plenty of jobs in
Chicago. Go find one.
HAL
Jess. Listen. I moved here for two
reasons. One--for my job. And
two--for you.
JESS
I doubt that.
HAL
I can prove it.
He holds up a key. He walks to the front door, opens it, and
takes a couple of steps out.
HAL
Follow me.
She closes the door on him. He knocks, and she opens the
door.
HAL
OK. Lets try that again. Follow
me.
JESS
Where?
HAL
Just follow me.
She rolls her eyes, puts on her shoes, gets her keys and
phone, walks out, and closes the door.

8.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Hal leads her a few apartments down, and uses his key to
open the door. It reveals an empty apartment.
JESS
What the hell is this?
HAL
Its my apartment. Notice how
theres no underwear on the floor.
Im, uh, moving in at 2. So. What
do you have to say about that?
She starts walking out.
He follows her.
She walks back to her apartment while Hal follows her.
3

INT. JESSS APARTMENT - DAY

JESS
What do you want from me?
HAL
I dont want anything. Were just
hanging out. Father and daughter.
JESS
Im 33--not 23. Thats the third
time youve been wrong about my
age. Youre not my father.
HAL
Fine. Were just hanging out. Me,
Mr. Hal Johnson, and you, Miss Jess
Johnson.
JOE (25) walks in.
HAL
And him, Mr. Jockey Shorts.
JESS
(to Joe)
Hi, honey. Um. This is
my... biological father, Hal
Johnson. Hal--this is my boyfriend
Joe.

9.

HAL
Well. If it isnt Joe. Or Joey boy,
as some like to call him. Ive
heard so much about you, Joseph.
JOE
Really?
HAL
Well. I havent heard that much
about you. But Ive seen so much of
your underwear lying around my 33
year old daughters apartment.
JOE
(to Jess)
I thought you were 23.
HAL
Let me ask you something, Joe Joe.
Have you ever heard of a hamper?
JOE
Um. Yeah. Actually, I work at Crate
and Barrel. I sell hampers. I just
dont really use them.
HAL
Well Joe, I guess we have a lot in
common. You sell hampers, and you
dont use them. I sell cigarettes,
and I dont smoke them.
JOE
Well--we dont have that much in
common. I mean, hampers dont give
you lung cancer.
HAL
(to Jess)
Great, Jess. Youre living with the
Surgeon General of Crate and
Barrel.
JESS
(to Joe)
Joe--can I talk to you for a second
in the bedroom?
HAL
Which bedroom?

10.

JESS
We only have one bedroom.
HAL
Well maybe should have two
bedrooms--and each one should be in
a different country.
JESS
(to Joe)
Joe. Get in the bedroom.
HAL
Joe. Pick up your underwear.
They walk into the bedroom and shut the door.
4

INT. JESSS APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

JOE
So. Uh. Whats he doing here?
JESS
Oh. Hes just visiting, and moving
in to our building today at 2:00. I
havent seem him since I was 15,
and now he thinks hes my father.
And he rented the apartment down
the hall.
JOE
What is this--Everybody Loves
Raymond?
He starts picking up his underwear.
JESS
What are you doing?
JOE
Im just picking up my underwear.
JESS
Drop your underwear right now!
He drops the underwear.
JESS
This is not Everybody Loves
Raymond.

11.

JOE
Right. Its more like Make Room For
Daddy.
JESS
No. No its not. Its the exact
opposite. Its Make No Room for Not
My Daddy.
JOE
Um. Isnt that a double negative?
HAL (O.S.)
(yelling from the other room)
Pick up your underwear, Joe!
Joe looks confused. He looks at his underwear.
JESS
Dont pick up any underwear.
JOE
Well--what should we do now?
JESS
... I was kind of hoping you would
know.
JOE
Why would I know that? I have a
normal father, and I dont even
know how to deal with him half the
time.
She opens a drawer, grabs three pairs of his underwear and
throws them on the floor.
JOE
What are you doing?
JESS
Im decorating. Your underwear
matches the color of this floor.
JOE
Um. Maybe if we just hang out here
for another five minutes, hell
leave.
HAL (O.S.)
Oh Joey boy! You better not be
putting the moves on my
daughter--or else Im gonna break
(MORE)

12.

HAL (O.S.) (contd)

down this door and put a crate up
your barrel!
JOE
(to Jess)
Or we can call the police.
JESS
Or we can call my mother.
JOE
Whoa. Lets not get carried away,
Jess. Your mother is way more
violent than the police.
Jess dials a number on her phone.
JESS
(into phone)
(casually)
Mom. You know that guy you used to
be married to? ... Yeah--hes in my
apartment, counting Joes
underwear. ... Uh huh. ...
Yeah--and hes also moving in to
the apartment down the hall from
me. ... OK.
She gets off of the phone.
JESS
(to Joe)
Shell be here any minute now, with
her baseball bat.
JOE
Great.
HAL (O.S.)
You better not be proposing to my
daughter either, Joe-hosaphat.
Jess--if he gets on one knee, just
punch him in the face!
Jess grabs three pairs of Joes underwear off of the ground,
and opens the door.
JESS
(to Hal)
Dont worry. Joes not gonna
propose until hes sure the baby is
his.

13.

She throws the underwear into the kitchen.

HAL
What?!
JOE
Shes kidding. The babys not mine.
HAL
What?!
JOE
I mean--the baby is mine. I
mean--there is no baby, and its
not mine.
JESS
Thats a double negative.
Hal looks inside their bedroom, and then in the kitchen.
HAL
It looks like Joes underwear is
multiplying. It went from three to
six.
JESS
(to Joe)
Mr. Johnson is learning math by
counting your underwear.
JOE
Oh.
(to Hal)
Its easier if you use flash cards.
HAL
Listen, Josephus. If you want to
keep seeing my daughter, you better
move out of here, and you better
get her to smoke less and eat more.
(to Jess)
And if you want to keep dating Joe,
he better pick up his underwear,
move out, and get a job that pays
more than hamper salesman.
JESS
You dont get to lecture me or him
about anything--whether its
smoking, or money, or underwear
management.

14.

HAL
Listen, Jess. You want to know why
Im telling you to stop smoking?
JESS
Because youre a hypocrite, and a
butt-in er.
HAL
Because Im trying to be your
father, instead of Mr. Johnson.
JOE
(to Jess and Hal)
Um. This seems like a pretty
personal conversation. Maybe I
should, like, go.
JESS
No. You shouldnt go. You should
butt in.
JOE
Butt in?
JESS
You butt in.
(to Hal)
You butt out.
HAL
So, Im moving in at 2. I got
furniture coming in. How about you
and Joe help me decorate? You know.
Tell me where to put my sofa.
JESS
How about you put your sofa in
Chicago, and then you go join it?
JOE
Jess. You know. If your father...
JESS
My what?!
JOE
I mean, if Mr. Johnson is gonna
move in down the hall, we might as
well just try to get along with him
a little.

15.

JESS
OK. Great suggestion, Joe. Now
heres my suggestion to you. Butt
out!
JOE
I thought you wanted me to butt in?
JESS
I wanted you to butt in because I
thought you were gonna take my
side.
JOE
I am taking your side!
JESS
No youre not. Youre taking his
side.
JOE
How am I taking his side? Hes the
one who told you to punch me in the
the face!
JESS
Maybe I should punch you in the
face!
JOE
Now youre the one whos taking his
side.
JESS
No. Im gonna punch you in the face
for taking his side.
The doorbell rings.
HAL
OK. And thats the end of round
one. Both fighters, go back to your
corners.
JESS
Were not fighting each other.
Were fighting you.
Jess opens the door, and reveals SALLY (55) holding a
baseball bat.

16.
JOE
(to Jess)
I think round two just started.
HAL
(to Sally)
Uh. Hi.
SALLY
What the hell are you doing here?
HAL
Lets try this again. Im gonna say
"hi," and youre gonna say...
SALLY
Hi. What the hell are you doing
here, asshole?
HAL
... Im good. And how are you?
SALLY
Homicidal.
HAL
Great. Have you met Joe?
Jess takes out another cigarette and lights it.
HAL
(to Sally)
You know, shes been smoking for
three years.
SALLY
You know, youve been a schmuck for
55 years.
HAL
... Joe--are you gonna let her talk
to me like that?
Joe looks confused.
SALLY
(to Hal and Joe)
Well. I see the two of you have
met.
HAL
Oh yeah. Me and ol Joe Joe Joey
boy.

17.

SALLY
Well, Joe. What do you think of my
ex-husband the schmuck?
HAL
Objection. Referring to me as "the
schmuck" is an attempt to sway the
witness.
SALLY
Hes not a witness yet. I still
havent committed the homicide!
HAL
Jess--will you please tell Mark
McGwire to put down the bat and
stop taking steroids?
JOE
You know, this seems like a
personal matter, and I dont want
to witness a homicide--so Im just
gonna go home.
JESS
Joe--this is your home.
The doorbell rings.
JESS
That must be Jackie and Carlos.
Were supposed to go bike riding
with them today.
SALLY
Go ahead. Ill stay here with Hal.
HAL
Jess--dont leave me alone with
her.
Jess opens the door to reveal JACKIE (23) and CARLOS (25,
Hispanic).
JESS
Hi.
HAL
There you go, Jess. Thats a
greeting. Hi.

18.

JESS
Jackie, Carlos--this is Hal
Johnson. Mr. Johnson, these are my
friends Jackie and Carlos.
HAL
Carlos! I know a Carlos. Hes from
Ecuador. Youre not from Ecuador.
CARLOS
No.
HAL
I think I know. Im good at this
stuff. Say no again.
CARLOS
I dont want to.
HAL
OK. Yeah. I heard the accent. You
are from.... Spain.
CARLOS
Yes.
HAL
I knew it! Im the best at that.
Im one of the best. You show me a
Hispanic person with an accent, and
I can ID the country.
CARLOS
Congratulations.
HAL
So, Carlos and Jackie--what brings
the two of you here?
JACKIE
Well. We, um--were supposed to go
biking with Joe and Jess.
HAL
That sounds like fun. Can I come?
JACKIE
(cheerful, smiling, friendly)
Yeah. That would be great. By the
way--who are you?

19.

HAL
Im Jesss, uh--well, according to
Jess, Im not her father.
JACKIE
I see. Well, according to Jess, Im
not her father, either.
HAL
Right. Well. We have a lot in
common.
SALLY
(to Hal)
You dont have that much in common,
Hal. According to Jesss mother,
youre a 55 year old schmuck.
HAL
Sally--youre swaying another
witness. Now one more persons
gonna think Im a schmuck.
CARLOS
Two more people.
SALLY
I guess its unanimous.
HAL
I declare a mistrial.
JACKIE
(to Sally)
Um. Hi, Mrs. Johnson.
SALLY
Hi, Jackie.
JACKIE
Why are you holding a baseball bat?
CARLOS
I can think of a reason.
JESS
Me, too.
JACKIE
OK. Im gonna put two and two
together, and conclude that Mr.
Johnson is your father.

20.

JESS
My biological father.
JACKIE
Well...
(turns to Hal)
Its so great to finally meet you,
Mr. Johnson.
HAL
Well its great to meet you too,
Jackie. Thats the first nice
greeting Ive gotten all day.
JACKIE
What brings you into town? Jess
tells me you live in Chicago.
HAL
I just moved to LA to be around
Jess.
JACKIE
Oh. How wonderful. Where in LA?
HAL
Down the hall. Im moving in today.
JACKIE
Jess--this must be so exciting for
you.
JESS
It musnt.
HAL
(to Jackie)
I, uh, kind of surprised everyone
with my move here. And, uh--you
know. I havent them seen them in a
while. So, yeah. Baseball bat.
CARLOS
You know, in my country, we have a
word for people like you.
HAL
.. What is it?
CARLOS
I cant say it. Its a very bad
word.

21.

JACKIE
(to Hal)
Well. Welcome to the neighborhood.
My apartment is three blocks from
here. And Carlos lives nearby, too.
HAL
Is Carlos your boyfriend?
JACKIE
Yeah.
HAL
And just to were clear--you dont
live with him.
JACKIE
Right.
HAL
(to Jess)
Honey--learn from your friend
Jackie. She and Carlos have two
apartments.
(to Carlos)
And Carlos--what do yo do for a
living? Do you sell hampers?
CARLOS
Donuts.
HAL
Excuse me?
CARLOS
I own a donut shop.
HAL
(to Joe)
Joe--learn from Carlos. Hes a
businessman.
(to Jackie)
And Jackie--what do you do?
JACKIE
I work at Neiman Marcus, with your
daughter.
JESS
Im not his daughter.

22.

JACKIE
(to Hal)
I work at Neiman Marcus, with notyour-daughter.
HAL
And what it is that you and
not-my-daughter do at Neiman
Marcus? I tried asking
not-my-daughter, but
not-my-daughter would not answer.
JOE
That sounds like a triple negative.
JACKIE
(to Hal)
Well. Me and Jess sell shoes.
HAL
OK. Lets see. We got
(points to Jess)
shoes,
(points to Jackie)
shoes,
(points to Carlos)
donuts,
(points to Joe)
hampers, and
(points to Sally)
homicide. Oh--and
(points to himself)
cigarettes. Thats a good mix.
JESS
Yeah. If we add an Indian Chief, we
can be the Village People. Now can
you please get out of my apartment?
JACKIE
Jess. He moved into your building.
I mean, maybe you should just kind
of, sort of, give him a little
chance.
HAL
And Sally--maybe you should put
your bat in the dugout, and piss
the steroids out of your system.

23.

JESS
(to Jackie)
Great. Youre taking his side,
too--just like Joe.
JOE
I never took his side. No ones
taking his side.
CARLOS
(stares at Hal)
I am definitely not taking his
side.
HAL
Jess. For what its worth, I just
want you to know that, uh, when I
left, I left because of me--not
you. It just seemed like I didnt
belong here. I needed a fresh
start--a new life.
JESS
I know. You told me that eight
years ago.
HAL
Right. I just--Ive missed you a
lot. I wanted to call or
something--but I just couldnt pull
the trigger. I couldnt do it. I
uh, I built a wall around my life
back there. And I--I had a fiance
in Chicago, and that was my life.
But, you know, here I am now. No
more wall. So uh, if you want to,
uh--if you want to borrow some
coffee, or talk, or whatever, you
know where to find me. Ill be down
the hall. OK?
(to Joe)
And Joe--pick up your underwear.
He walks out.
SALLY
(to Jess)
Why is his underwear in your
kitchen?