Midnight Chase

Feet pounded on the rocks. Each strike gave another lesion that tore into the foot. He could not
stop. Not for a second. His breathing became sporadic. It lacked any sense of rhythm or
coherence. His thoughts followed suit. Everything seemed blurred, as if all objects and their
colors blended with the next.

Commented [CB1]: Each sentence is very jarring in terms

of pacing. Is this to imitate his step?

His eyes became tired. He was too old for this. He slowed down; each color gained new
perspective and shape with every step closer to stop. His breath returned with a healthy bounce.
He took one step further, stopped, and sat on the ground. He couldnt remember why he was
running in the first place. When he thought about it, he didnt remember anything. He looked
around. He couldnt familiarize himself with the setting. Darks colors echoed through each point
of his vision. He made out small, sharp lines above him and long, smooth cylinders around his
eye level. It was like he was in a forest of some kind.

Commented [CB2]: Interesting description.

He caught his breath and stood up. What was his name?
He had trouble remembering. He had trouble remembering a lot of things. He took one
step forward. He walked with great hesitation. Then he felt the burning on the bottom of his foot.

Commented [CB3]: You can combine these sentences to

allow for a better flow.

He lifted his foot and a number of tears. He looked harder and saw there were scars among the

Commented [CB4]: I read this as crying tears. Rephrase?

fresh tears. He had been running for a while now.

He put his foot down and limped forwardeach tear felt more and more like knives at
his feet.
His vision became hazy and the colors began to blend again. Then he heard ita twig
broke, leaves shivered. He turned round and saw the cloaked figure with arms outstretched. The
hands looked deformed, as if the middle and pointer fingers were fused together, as well as the

pinky and the ring finger. The hands were dark blue, as if the life had been sucked out of them.

Commented [CB5]: Adds a mysterious, creepy sense to

the story.

He could not see under the hood of the thing, but he heard a growlone that shook his legs to
start running again. He was off again.
But he didnt see the root of a tree behind him.
He tripped and landed on his face. He lifted himself off the ground in fear. He turned
around.

Commented [CB6]: Why is he afraid, aside from the scary

look of the creature? Is he running from some other
problem?

The hooded figure stood over him.

Please no, he gasped.
The figure grabbed his face and he felt as though his very skin was melting.
Hey man, are you going to sit there all night?
Robert looked around, confused. He was not in a forest; neither was he running. He was
in a bar, with dim lighting and a hardwood bar. He sat on a bar stool starring at a drink put in
front of him. He looked at the bartender.

Commented [CB7]: I suggest adding more scenic

description to allow for a stronger transition.

So do you speak or something? she asked.

He looked at her with confusion. He wasnt sure what he was doing or why he was at bar.
Robert hated drinking. Robert looked down at the drink, grabbed it, and shot it down his throat.
Might as well.
The bartender creeped closer. So what are you doing here?
Robert starred down at the hardwood finish, not noticing he was being spoken to. Um,
she coughed.

Commented [CB8]: What did it taste like? Did it burn

going down?

Oh what, sorry I didnt hear you. Robert looked at her. She had dirty blonde hair with
turquoise eyes. Im here, he stopped himself. Actually I dont know why Im here.
Same with every other person. She gave him a look like she saw through his five
oclock shadow and pasta stained collar. The only difference with you is that you came here
two hours ago ordered a drink then just sat there, not even taking a sip.
He looked around and found the bar empty. Dont tell me Ive been here for two hours.
What did I just tell you? Next time listen up. She smirked like her mouth was the
crescent moon. It reminded Robert of Claudia. He looked down at the bar and stared.

Commented [CB9]: This is something you can expand on.

No, dont you go zoning out on me.

He looked back up and stared into her turquoise eyes. She had dimples on the sides of her
cheeks. He realized he didnt want to be here anymore.
Listen, you look like the kind of guy thats had a rough stint. You got a job?
No, he said.
Come work for me, its not anything special but hey, its something, she said.

Commented [CB10]: This seems a bit rushed.

Why would you want to hire me? he asked.

She stared him in the eye and leaned close to him. Because I know those eyes. And I
know how hard it is, to live with something that you dont want to deal with. I want to help.
He got up and walked to the door of the bar.
Where are you going?
He looked back at her before exiting the building. I cant, Im busy.

Commented [CB11]: Why is he leaving?

Editors Notes:
In "Midnight Chase," Robert imagines that he is running through the forest. He does not
know why he is running until he sees a creature with deformed, blue hands. He comes to reality
when the bartender speaks to him, but is still spacing out. When ask why he is at the bar, he says
he does not know. The bartender tells him that he has been staring at his drink for two hours.
When she offers him a job, he turns it down, claiming to be busy.
The amount of imagery in the story is the strongest aspect, especially when Robert
imagines himself in the forest. The weakest part, however, is that the reader knows almost
nothing about Robert. They do not know why he is at the bar, why he imagines a creature
chasing him, or why he is too busy to work at the bar. These areas should be developed further to
allow for a greater understanding of his character. What is his motivation? What is he hiding
from? Give the reader something to work off of and sympathize with so the story will leave them
with a greater impression.