JOE FO SHO

(Sitcom Pilot)

by

Rodney Ohebsion
INT.SHANIQUA'SAPARTMENT(LIVINGROOM)-DAY

JOE(30,white,dumb,inappropriate,mellowattitude,hasa
ghetto/hiphopaccent)issittingonthesofaandtalking
onthephone.

JOE
(onphone)
...Yeah.I'mgonnabreakupwith
mygirlwhenshegetshome....
Cuz.She'soneofthembossy
bitches,likeHillaryClinton,or
NikkiMinaj,orWilmaFlintstone.
...Yeah.Mygirl'salwaystelling
mewhattodo.Like,onetime,she
toldmenottospend$350on
sneakers.Anothertime,shetold
menottospend$75onshoelaces.
Plus,sheevenhasthethenerve
tocomplainwhenIhavesexwith
otherwomen.Asifit'sanyofher
businesswhoIhavesexwithand
howmuchIspendonshoelaces....
Alright,cool.Bye,grandma.

There'soneopencanandseveralunopenedcansofmalt
liquoronthetableinfrontofJoe.Hefinishesupthe
opencan,crumplesitup,andthrowsitagainstawall.He
opensanewcanandchugshalfthebottle.Heburps.

-Later-

Thereareseveralemptycrumpledupbeercanslyingaround.
Joeisdrinkingthelastcan.

SHANIQUA(30,black)enters.

SHANIQUA
Joe.You'renotgonnabelievewhat
thisbitchsaidtomeatwork
today.Iwastyingmyshoes,and
thisbitch,shewaswearinga
purpleoutfit,shelookedatme,
andshe...

JOE
Holdonasecond,Shaniqua.Hold
on.
(standsup)
Youcan'tjustwalkinhereand
immediatelytellmeaboutsome
bitchatyouroffice.
(MORE)
 2.

JOE(CONT'D)
Like,Imean,ifyouwanttocome
inhereanddosomething
immediately,howaboutyou
immediatelygetbuttnaked--you
knowwhatI'msaying?

SHANIQUA
Youwantmetowalkinhereand
immediatelyhavesexwithyou?

JOE
Yeah.
(takesouthiscell
phoneandbringsupa
list)
IgotfourthingsonmyToDo
List."Drinkmaltliquor."WhichI
alreadydid."Havesexwith
Shaniqua.""DrinkKool-Aid."And
"BreakupwithShaniqua."

SHANIQUA
BreakupwithShaniqua?!

JOE
Yeah.Butbeforewebreakup,
let'shavesexanddrinkKool-Aid.

SHANIQUA
Uh.Let'snot,youdumbass.

JOE
Areyousayingyouwanttobreak
upafterwehavesexanddrink
Kool-Aid?

SHANIQUA
Uh.No.

JOE
I'mconfused.
(takesoffhisshirt)
Let'sjustgetbusy,andthen
we'llsortouteverythingelse.

SHANIQUA
We'renotgonnahavesex,Joe!
Now,areyouatleastgonnatell
mewhyyou'rebreakingupwithme?
 3.

JOE
Cuz,Imean,like,I'm
saying--it'smyprerogativeifI
wanttoboneotherbitchesandbuy
$350Nikes.

SHANIQUA
Howthehellisthatyour
prerogative?!

JOE
CuzthisisAmerica--youknowwhat
I'msaying?Youkeeptellingme
whatIcan'tdo.Butinthe
DecorationofIndependence,the
fifthamendmentsayswhatIcan
do.Itbealllike,"Youhavethe
righttoremainsilent,youhave
therighttoboneotherbitches,
youhavetherighttoanattorney,
andyouhavetherighttospend
$350onAirJordans--sodon'tlet
noheffernamedShaniquatellyou
otherwise."

SHANIQUA
Iknowyoudidn'tjustcallmea
heffer!

JOE
Baby.I'mjustquotingthefifth
amendment.Ifanyone'scallingyou
aheffer,it'sthedudewhodone
wrotetheDecorationof
Independence.AbrahamLincoln.

EXT.STREET-DAY

Joeisstandingonthesidewalk,andholdingfivegrocery
bagsfullofmostlyclothes,alongwithpapercups,abox
ofcondoms,atoothbrush,etc.

HecomesacrossNINJALEROY(30,black,dressedinaninja
outfitminustheskimask).

JOE
Hey.Whatup,NinjaLeroy?

NINJALEROY
Hey.What'sgoingon,Joe?

JOE
I'mjustchilling,man.You
chilling?
 4.

NINJALEROY
Nah,homey.I'monaninja
mission.

JOE
Oh.Whatkindofninjamission?

NINJALEROY
Ican'tsay.It'sasecret.You
knowwhatI'msaying?Cuz,like,
I'maninja.SoIgottakeepthe
detailsofmymissionsasecret.

JOE
Yeah.But,like,don'tyoualso
gottakeepyouridentityasecret?

NINJALEROY
Nah,man.That'sJapaneseninja
rules.Americanninjarulesis
different.

JOE
Oh.Right.Yeah.Justlikehow
Americancheeseisdifferentfrom
Swisscheese.

NINJALEROY
Well.Imean.That'snotthebest
analogyintheworld.Butonthe
otherhand,Iguessit,you
know--capturesthegeneralgistof
thething.

JOE
Yeah.I'mgoodwith,like,gists.
Generalgistsandwhatnot.

NINJALEROY
Hey,man.Canyou,like,uh,hook
meupwithShaniqua'ssister?

JOE
Uh.Iwould.But,like,meand
Shaniqua--weontheoutsright
now.

NINJALEROY
Isthatright?

JOE
Yeah.It'sjustlikeAbraham
LincolnsaidintheDecorationof
Independence.
(MORE)
 5.

JOE(CONT'D)
Hesaid,"Ifyourbitchrunsher
mouthtoomuchandtriestoboss
youaround,yougottadecorate
yourindependence,andlet
Shaniquaknowwsup.Youknowwhat
I'msaying?"

NINJALEROY
Thatdon'tsoundlikeAbraham
Lincoln.Itsoundsmorelikethe
BishopDonMagicJuan.

JOE
Whatever.I'mjustsaying.Ibroke
upwithShaniqua.But,like,the
thingis,theapartmentwewas
livingin--thatapartmentis
technicallyherplace.

NINJALEROY
Yeah.Well,um.Iwouldinviteyou
tocrashatmycrib.Butthething
is,I'maninja.SoIcan'tlet
nobodyknowwhereIlive.

JOE
Nodoubt,homey.Yougottafollow
themAmericanninjarules.It's
allgoodthough.Cuz,like...

HepointstoanoldFordTaurusparkedonthestreet.

JOE(CONT'D)
...myrideoverthere--that'smy
newresidence.SonowI'mgonna,
youknow,unpack.

Hethrowstheplasticbagsinthecar.

JOE(CONT'D)
Bytheway,man--I'mthinkingof
joiningtheninjaprofession.How
howmuchdoesaninjajobpay?

NINJALEROY
Notthatmuch.You'dmakemore
moneybycollectingunemployment.

INT.DOCTOR'SOFFICE-DAY

JoeentersandwalksuptotheEMPLOYEE(female,30)
workingbehindthecounter.
 6.

JOE
Hey.Howyoudoing,baby?Iwant
tofileforunemployment.'Cause,
youknow,Iain'tgotnojob,and
mybitchShaniquajustkickedme
out.So,yeah.Hookmeupwith
someofthathighquality,USDA
unemployment--youknowwhatI'm
saying?

EMPLOYEE
Hm.Yes.IguessIdoknowwhat
you'resaying.But,um--thisisa
doctor'soffice.

JOE
Whatyoumean,baby?

EMPLOYEE
It'sanofficewheredoctorswork.
It'snotanofficewhereyoufile
forunemployment.

JOE
Alright.Yeah.Straightup.
Doctor'soffice.So,like...
(pointstoarashonhis
leg)
Igotthisrashonmyleg.What
youknowaboutthat,doctor?

INT.CONVENIENCESTORE-DAY

Joeenters.

MUSTAFA(45,Pakistani)isworkingtheregister.

JOE
Hey.What'scracking,Mustafa?

MUSTAFA
Hello,Joe.Howareyou?

JOE
I'mcool,man.
(pointstotherash)
Yo--Igotthisrashonmyleg.Do
youhaveaPakistanicureforleg
rashes?

MUSTAFA
IhaveCortizoneointment.Aisle
3.
 7.

JOE
Cool.Also,canyougivemeajob?

MUSTAFA
Hellno.

JOE
Why?Isit'causeI'mblack?

MUSTAFA
No.Itisbecauseyouarewhite,
andyouareadumbass.

JOE
That'sracialdiscrimination.But,
Imean,like,ifyoucan'tgiveme
ajob,howaboutyougivemea
placetostay?

MUSTAFA
No.

JOE
Why?Isit'causeI'mblack?

MUSTAFA
Listen,Joe.Regardlessofwhether
youareblackorwhite,Icannot
giveyouaplacetostay.Ilive
ina600squarefootapartment
withmywife.

JOE
Whywouldyouhaveawife?That's
stupid,homey.Allawifedois
violateyourfifthamendment
rights.Lookatme,homey.Idon't
livewithnowifeinno600square
footapartment.Ilivealoneina
1993FordTaurus.

MUSTAFA
Howdelightful.

JOE
Iwillsaythis,though.A93Ford
Taurusgotallthemhorsepowers
andstuff;but,youknow,
house-wise,itdon'tgottoomany
bedroomsandbathroomsand
kitchens.SoI'mlookingto
upgrademyresidenceabit.You
knowwhatI'msaying?
 8.

INT.UPSCALECONDOFORSALE-DAY

AMANandWOMAN(40s,white)areexaminingonearea.

MAN
Ilikethisplace.

WOMAN
Yeah.It'sjustwhatwe'relooking
for.

MAN
OK.I'll,uh,I'llfeeloutthe
agentandseewhatpriceshe'll
accept.Aftershe'sdonetalking
tohim.

Severalyardsaway,JoeistalkingtotherealestateAGENT
(female,35).

JOE
Thisplaceislikestraightup
TrumpTower.Icangetallkindof
bitchesupinhere.

AGENT
Uh.Isupposeyoucan.

JOE
Alright.Let'sdothis.Bringon
thebitches.

AGENT
Idon'thaveanybitches.

JOE
I'mjustsaying.I'mfixingtobuy
thiscondo.Andifyougotanother
condo,I'llbuythattoo.

AGENT
Well.OK.So,um,thepricefor
thisoneis$700,000.

JOE
Noproblem,baby.700Gsain't
nothingtoaballerlikeme.

TheManandWomanarelisteningin.

MAN
Honey.Itsoundslikethatnegro
isofferingfullaskingpricefor
thisplace.
 9.

WOMAN
Um.Idon'tthinkhe'sanegro.
He'sextremelylightskinned.

MAN
Nevertheless,he'smakingan
offer.

WOMAN
Well.Putinyourownoffer.This
isanamazingapartment.

TheManwalksovertotheAgent.

MAN
Um.MywifeandI--we'dliketo
submitanoffer.

JOE
Oh.OK.Soyoutryingtoswoopin
onmydealwithyourMonopoly,and
putyourredhotelonOriental
Avenue.

MAN
Uh.Well.Imean,
(toAgent)
ourofferis725,000.

JOE
That'sBalticAvenuechumpchange.
(toAgent)
I'lldo800,000.

MAN
Well.Letmejust,um--talktomy
wife.

HeandtheWomanwalkafewyardsawayandtalkprivately.

MAN(CONT'D)
Hemustbeoneofthosewealthy
rapperguys.

WOMAN
Well.Thisissuchagreatplace.
Ithinkwecangoalittlehigher.

TheywalkbackovertotheAgent.

MAN
900,000.

JOE
Twomillion.
 10.

MAN
I,uh--youmustmakealotof
moneywithyourrapsongs.

JOE
Nodoubt,homey.
(raps)
JoeFoShoisupinthiscondo/I
dokungfuandIdotaekwondo/
Mexicanmenhavenameslike
Armando/Tomakeguacamole,you
needanavocado/Mixthe
ingredientsusingaspoon/Iama
realestatetycoon/KanyeWestis
ournextPresident/Thiscondois
mynewresidence

MAN
...Thatwas,uh,verylovely.
We'regonnagonow.

TheManandWomanleave.

AGENT
OK.So,that's$2million.Areyou
gonnapaythatincash,orareyou
gonnagetaloan?

JOE
I'mgonnadooneofthem,uh,
mortizations.

AGENT
OK.Now,youcanobtainfinancing
yourself,oraswepointedouton
thesalesheet,theowneris
willingtolend70%ofthe
purchaseprice,ata5.75%
interestrate,payableovereight
years.

JOE
Uh.That'stoomanymathematical
numbersyoujustsaidtomeinmy
ears.Like,asfarasfinancesgo,
I'mlookingtodothe
Rent-a-Centerthing.

AGENT
Uh.WhatRent-a-Centerthing?
 11.

JOE
Like,I'llpayy'alltwenty
dollarsdown,andtwentyadollars
aweekforthenextfiftytwo
weeks.

INT.D'RUCKUS'SAPARTMENTHALLWAY-DAY

Joeknocksonthedoor.ThedooropenstorevealADEWALE
(35,Nigerian).

JOE
What'sgoinggoing,Adewale?

ADEWALE
Joe.Itisalwaysadelighttosee
youatmyhome.Wouldyoucareto
comeinandperhapshaveadodoor
two?

JOE
Whatthehellisadodo?

ADEWALE
Itisafriedplantain.Very
popularinNigeria--particularly
inOgbomoso,thecitywhereIam
from.

JOE
Uh.Alright,homey.Hookmeup
withoneofthemNigeriandildos.

ADEWALE
Itisnotcalledadildo,my
friend.Itisadodo.Pleasecome
in,andIwillprepareseveralof
them.

Joeenters,andAdewaleclosesthedoorbehindhim.

ADEWALE(CONT'D)
So.Doesanythinginparticular
bringyouoverheretoday,ordo
youjustintendtodoyour
quintessentialchilling?

JOE
Well.Like,mygirljustkickedme
outofhercrib.IsitcoolifI
crashhereforawhile?
 12.

ADEWALE
Yes.Thatwouldbedelightful.Let
mejustdiscussyourliving
arrangementswithD'Ruckus.Since
heismyroommate,Imustseeif
heisokaywiththis.
(callsouttoanother
room)
D'Ruckus!

D'RUCKUS(35,black,highenergy,intense)enters.He's
holdingasandwich.

D'RUCKUS
(toJoe)
Hey--what'shappening,Joe!?

JOE
What'scracking,D'Ruckus?You
chilling?

D'RUCKUS
WhatitlooklikeI'mdoing?!Of
courseI'mchilling!
(holdsupasandwich)
Igotthispeanutbutter,jelly,
andcocainesandwich.

JOE
Yougotcocaineinthesandwich?

D'RUCKUS
Hellno!Thecocaineisonthe
bread!

Hesnortssomecocaineoffofthetopsliceofbread.He
takesabiteofthesandwich.

ADEWALE
D'Ruckus.Joeneedsaplaceto
stay.Beingthatwearehis
friendsandwehavethisperfectly
comfortablesofa,Iaminfavorof
havinghimlivewithusandsleep
inthelivingroom.

D'RUCKUS
Alright.Cool.
(grabsabottleofbaby
oilfromnearbyand
handsittoJoe)
Justrubthisoilonyourbody,
andwe'llgetstarted.
 13.

JOE
Uh.Comeagain?

D'RUCKUS
Hey--that'showweliveinmy
apartment,homey!That'sD'Ruckus
Rules!D'Ruckusrulenumber178.
"AllofD'Ruckus'sroommatesgotta
oilupandwrestlewithD'Ruckus,
fourtimesaday."
(toAdewale)
Ain'tthatright,Adewale?

ADEWALE
Thisiscorrect.Ioilupand
wrestleD'Ruckusfourtimesaday.
AndImustsay,althoughIlose
theoverwhelmingmajorityofthe
wrestlingmatches,theexperience
ofwrestlingD'Ruckusisgenerally
quiteinvigorating.

JOE
Well.I'msureitis.But,like,
asidefrombeinginvigorating,it
alsosounds,like,um,youknow.

D'RUCKUS
...Educational?

JOE
No.Itsoundsgay.

D'RUCKUS
It'snotgay!Afterall--D'Ruckus
rulenumber524."D'Ruckus...is
notgay!"

ADEWALE
Thisiscorrectaswell.D'Ruckus
isnotgay.Heisjustamanwho
greatlyappreciatestheartofoil
wrestlinganothermanfourtimesa
day.Icanassureyouthat
D'Ruckus'smotivesareatleast
99%non-homosexual.

D'RUCKUS
(toJoe)
Yeah.Nowtakeoffyourshirtand
pants,andstartrubbingyourself
withoil.
 14.

JOE
Like,Imean,Igetthelogic
behindyourrules,inacertain
sense.ButIain'tlookingtodo
nooilwrestlingwithnodude.

D'RUCKUS
Thenyouain'tcrashinghere,Joe!
Rulesisrules.

Hetakesanotherbiteofthesandwich,andthenhesnorts
somemorecocaineoffofthesandwich.

INT.PRISONVISITINGROOM-DAY

JoeentersandsitsdownacrossfromCORNELIUS(35,white).
Thereispartitioningglassbetweenthem.Joepicksupthe
phone,asdoesCornelius.

JOE
What'sgoingon,Cornelius?

CORNELIUS
Goodafternoon,Joe.How'sit
going?

JOE
Man--I'mjustchilling.You
chilling?

CORNELIUS
YesIam.How'sthefamilydoing?

JOE
Well.Like.Mymomsisjust,
like--Iguessshe'salsochilling.
OverinChicago.WindyCity.They
gotthemwinds.Inthatcity.
Chicago...deepdishpizza.So,
yeah.What'sgoingonwithyou?

CORNELIUS
Well.Mysentenceisupin
November.

JOE
Word?Ithoughtitwasupin,
like,June.

CORNELIUS
ItwasJunewithgoodbehavior.

JOE
Youdidn'tdonogoodbehavior?
 15.

CORNELIUS
(tone/voicechanges)
Hellno!I'mnobody'sbitch!I
cameinhereasaman,andI'm
leavinghereasaman!Without
goodbehavior!'CauseI'mnobody's
bitch!

JOE
OK.Yeah.Iguessyouisnobody's
bitch.Anyways--mygirl,uh,she
justkickedmeoutofherplace.

CORNELIUS
Doyouhaveanypicturesofyour
girl?

JOE
Yeah.

CORNELIUS
Letmetakealookatthem.

JOE
Um.OK.

Joefindsapictureonhisphone,andshowsitto
Cornelius.

CORNELIUS
Ohyeah!Daddylikesthat.

JOE
Excuseme?

CORNELIUS
Callyourgirlonspeakerphone,
andtellhertosay,"Spankme,
Cornelius!Spankme!"

JOE
Mygirlblockedmynumber.

CORNELIUS
Hm.Youknowthatgirlwewentto
highschoolwith?Vanessa?

JOE
Yeah.

CORNELIUS
DidyouknowthatVanessa's
currentaddressis427North
PeppercornAvenue?
 16.

JOE
Ididnotknowthat.

CORNELIUS
Well.Itis.427NorthPeppercorn
Avenue.

JOE
And?

CORNELIUS
AndIgotthattattooedonmyarm.
427NorthPeppercornAvenue.
(showshimthetattoo)
See?That'swhereVanessalives.
427NorthPeppercornAvenue.

JOE
Word....Anyways,canIcrash
hereatyourcribfor,like,afew
weeks?

CORNELIUS
Crashhereatmycrib?Idon't
thinkso.

JOE
Howcome?

CORNELIUS
Because.Mycribisprison.

JOE
So?

CORNELIUS
Ifyouwanttobeinprison,you
havetobeconvictedofacrime
andreceiveasentence.

JOE
Oh.Right.Yeah.Them'sprison
rules.

INT.APARTMENTHALLWAY-DAY

JoeisstandingoutsidetheopendoorofVANESSA(35,
white).

VANESSA
So,waitasecond,Joe.You're
sayingyouwanttolivehere?
 17.

JOE
Damnstraight.

VANESSA
Withme.

JOE
Forsure.

VANESSA
Why?

JOE
Because.Youthegirlwhosatnext
tomein11thgradehistoryclass.
NorthLAHigh.Classof01,baby.

VANESSA
Um.I'mprettysureyoudidn't
graduate.Also,Ihaven'tseenyou
sincehighschool.Howdidyouget
myaddress?

JOE
Ijust--uh,Iwaschilling.With
somedude.Andhewaslike,"427
NorthPeppercornAvenue.Vanessa
livesthere."SohereIis.With
you.Vanessa.At427North
PeppercornAvenue.Bytheway,
baby--whathappenedtoyour
sister?Theblondebitchwiththe
bigtitties.

VANESSA
She'sadermatologistnow.

JOE
Straightup.Yeah.Ilike
dinosaurs,too.

VANESSA
Whatdoyoumean?

JOE
LikeonTheFlintstones.The
dinosaurwhowouldviolinallthem
Beethovens.

VANESSA
...Whatthehelldoesthathave
todowithwhatwe'retalking
about?
 18.

JOE
Yoursisterisadermatologist.
Dinosaurs.

VANESSA
That'sapaleontologist.Mysister
isadermatologist.Askindoctor.

JOE
Word?Ifiguredshe'dbecomea
stripper.Youknow.'Causethat
bitchgotsomebigtitties.

VANESSA
Right.Well.Bye.

Shestartstoclosethedoor.

JOE
Wait.So,like,whenshouldImove
mystuffin?

VANESSA
Joe.Ihaven'tseenyousincehigh
school.Also,I'mmarried.Why
wouldIhaveyoulivewithme?

JOE
Well.Icanthinkonereason.

VANESSA
Whichis...

JOE
I'llletyouhavesexwithme.Old
schoolsex--likethekindFredhad
withWilma.YouknowwhatI'm
saying?Yabadabadoo.

Vanessaclosesthedoor.

Vanessa'sneighbor'sdoorisopen,andLEE(45,Chinese,
thickaccent)isstandingthere.

LEE
Hey.You'relookingforaplaceto
live?

JOE
Uh.Yeah.

LEE
Well.Um.Youknow.Ifyouwant,
youcanstaywithme.
 19.

JOE
Well.Like,thatwhole"letyou
havesexwithme"thingIsaidto
her--thatdoesnotapplytono
dudes.YouknowwhatI'msaying?
I'mahead-to-toe-sexual.

LEE
Youmeanheterosexual?

JOE
ImeanIhavesexwithwomenfrom
headtotoe.I'mnotgay,homey.I
don'tevenoilwrestlewith
D'Ruckus.

LEE
Listen.Iamnotlookingtohave
gaysexwithyou.Iama
scientist.

JOE
Cool.Cool.So,like,yoube
supportingtheIsraeliflag.

LEE
No.That'saZionist.Ido
science.And,Icouldreallyuse
anassistant.

EXT.STREET-DAY

Joe,Adewale,andD'Ruckusareplayingdiceonthe
sidewalk.

ADEWALE
Whatamagnificentgamethisis.I
amveryfondofrollingdice,
beingthatthereisapossibility
ofhittingafavorablenumberthat
mightresultinfinancialgain.

JOE
Uh.Yeah.Ilikegamblingtoo,
man.

Joerollsan11.

JOE(CONT'D)
(toD'Ruckus)
Eleven,homey.Asin,seventimes
seven.Payup.

D'RuckushandsJoeafivedollarbill.
 20.

AFEMALECOPwalksuptothem.

FEMALECOP
Excuseme,gentlemen.

D'RUCKUS
Heybaby.Howyoudoing?

FEMALECOP
(sarcastically)
Well.I'mOK.Howareyou?

D'RUCKUS
I'mjusttryingtowinbackthe
moneyIlosttothisfool.

FEMALECOP
Sir.You'regamblingonthe
street.

D'RUCKUS
Yeah.AndIneedyouto
(holdsupthedice)
blowonthesedicesoIcanwin
somemoney,whichI'llprobably
spendoncocaine.

FEMALECOP
Stopplayingdice!

JOE
Calmdown,baby.Youdon'thaveto
getallPMS-y.

Joe,Adewale,andD'Ruckusgetup.

FEMALECOP
Excuseme?

ADEWALE
Pleasedonotbeoffendedbymy
friend'sstatementregardingyour
menstrualcycle.Hejusthasa
rathercoarse,unfilteredmanner
ofexpressinghimselfverbally.

JOE
Yeah!Ikeepsitreal,24/7!

FEMALECOP
That'sgreat.I'mgonnagonow.

Shewalksaway.
 21.

Joe,D'Ruckus,andAdewalestartwalkingintheopposite
direction.

D'RUCKUS
(toJoe)
So,haveyoureconsideredmoving
inwithusanddoingtheoil
wrestling?

JOE
Youkeepyourdamnoilto
yourself,D'Ruckus.Idon'tneeda
placetostaynomore.I'mstaying
withsomeChinesedude,andI'm
workingashisassistant.

D'RUCKUS
Assistant?Whatdoeshedo?

JOE
He'sascientist.

D'RUCKUS
Right.Yeah.Israel.

ADEWALE
Ibelievethereisabitof
confusionhere.

D'RUCKUS
Hey,man!Whyyoualwaysgottabe
quotingConfucius?

ADEWALE
Confusionisnotrelatedto
Confucius.

D'RUCKUS
Idon'tcarewho'srelatedwho!I
didn'taskfornoConfuciusfamily
tree!

INT.LEE'SAPARTMENTHALLWAY-NIGHT

Joegetsoutoftheelevator.HeseesVanessaleavingher
apartment.

VANESSA
Whatthehellareyoudoinghere,
Joe?

JOE
Hey,baby.Iliveherenow.
 22.

VANESSA
Uh.Noyoudon't.

JOE
Baby--IknowwhereIlive.You
don'ttellmewhereIlive.Itell
youwhereyoulive.That'showI
roll.Somepeoplerollblunts--but
Iberollingassertatio...

VANESSA
Joe--shutup.Now,explaintome
howyoulivehere.

JOE
ImovedinwithyourChinese
neighbor.Soifyoueverwantto
borrowsomesugarandhavesex
withme,youcanfindmein
apartment207,at427North
PeppercornAv...

VANESSA
Yes--Iknowtheaddressofthis
building,Joe!Iliveinthis
building!

INT.LEE'SAPARTMENT-NIGHT

Joeissittingonthesofa.He'seatingcerealandwatching
TV.

Leeenters.

LEE
OK,Joe.Weneedtodosomework.

JOE
Work?

LEE
Yeah.Work.

JOE
Newsflash,homey.InNineteen
HundredandFortyTwo,MalcolmX
madeslaveryillegalinAmerica
blue.WhichmeansIdon'tgottado
nowork.
 23.

LEE
Igiveyouaroomandcereal,and
youdoworkformeasmy
assistant.Thatisthe
arrangement.

JOE
Whatthehellisanarrangement?

LEE
...Anarrangementisthething
thatMalcolmXwantsyoutodo.

JOE
Cool.Let'sdosomearrangement.

LEE
OK.Just,you'reatypical
Americanidiot--right?

JOE
Damnstraight.That'showIroll.

LEE
OK.Great.I'mgonnaaskyousome
questions,soIcangetintothe
brainofthetypicalAmerican
idiot.

JOE
Buthurryitup,man.Cuz,like,
at7,BETisgonnashowthenew
LilWaynemovie.

LEE
Well.Thequestionswilltakehalf
anhour.Butbeforewegetinto
that,Ineedyoutohelpmetest
outsomeWMDs.

JOE
Right.Letmegetsomeketchupand
hotsauceonthemWMDs.

LEE
AWMDisnotamenuitem.Justdo
meafavorand
(holdsupsomedevice,
andgivesJoeagreen
wireandredwire)
holdthisredwireinonehand,
andthisgreenwireinyourother
hand,andletmejustputthis
(MORE)
 24.

LEE(CONT'D)
(putsanelectricrodon
Joe'shead)
electricrodonyourhead.

JOE
Dude.Thisbetternotmakemegay.

LEE
Thishasnothingtodowithgay!
AllIamdoingisdeveloping
weaponsofmassdestruction.

JOE
Aright.ButhurryupsoIcan
watchtheLilWaynemovie.

INT.LEE'SAPARTMENT-NIGHT

-Later-

Joeisrecordingavideousinghiscellphone.

JOE
What'sgoingon,Facebook?Y'all
chilling?I'mchilling,upherein
mynewcrib.JustthoughtI'dshow
ittoy'all.ThiswhereIreside.
Withmynewroommate.He'soneof
them,like,Chineseworkaholics
fromIsrael.

JoepointsthecameraattheWMDdevice,whichisnowona
table.

JOE(CONT'D)
Healwaysworkingonthatweapon
ofmassdestructionoverthere.I
gottamakesurehedon'ttryto
makemegay.Butdon'tgetme
wrong.Igotnothingagainstthe
gays.Afterall,Ivotedfor
America'sfirstgayblack
president:BarackObama.And
beforethat,IvotedforAmerica's
firststraightblackpresident:
MartinJuniorLutherKingJunior.
Idon'tdiscriminate.Iregulate.
YouknowwhatI'msaying?
 25.

EXT.PARK-DAY

Joeisdoingpullups,whileD'Ruckusisstandingnearby
andeatingDoritos,andAdewaleisdoingjumpingjacks.All
threemenareshirtless.

JOE
(countingthepullups)
...12,13,14,15.

Hefinishesthesetofpullups.

D'RUCKUS
Goodwork,homey.Wetraininglike
RockyBalboa.

JOE
Whatwe?I'vedone200repsof
everything.You'vedone200reps
ofbeingblackandeatingDoritos.

D'RUCKUS
I'mtraining.Asevidencedbythe
factthatmyshirtisoff,andI'm
sweating.

JOE
It's65degrees.Howthehellis
yousweating?

ADEWALE
Thisisanexcellentquestion.

JOE
Anyways.Didy'allseethatLil
Waynemovieyesterday?

D'RUCKUS
Nah,homey.Iwasbusyworkingat
BlockbusterVideo.

ADEWALE
AndIwasbusyworkingatKinney's
Shoes.

JOE
AndIwasbusyworkingonIsraeli
stuffwithwithmyroommate.But,
like,IrecordedtheLilWayne
movie.Let'sgowatchit.
 26.

INT.LEE'SAPARTMENTHALLWAY-DAY

Joe,Adewale,andD'RuckusapproachLee'sopenapartment
door,andtheyseeFBIAGENTJONESandFBIAGENTSMITH
handcuffingLee.

FBIAGENTJONES
Mr.Anderson?

JOE
Uh.No.

FBIAGENTSMITH
Yes.We'veseenyourpicture.
You'reJoeAnderson.

JOE
Well.Imean,like,youknow,
like,Isaypotato,yousay
puh-TAH-toe--youknowwhatI'm
saying?

FBIAGENTSMITH
No.Whatthehellareyousaying?

ADEWALE
Iamquiteconfusedmyself.

D'RUCKUS
StopquotingConfucius!

FBIAGENTJONES
(toJoe)
Mr.Anderson.Weneedtoaskyou
somequestions.

JOE
Themorangepillsyoufoundinmy
apartmentain'tmine.

FBIAGENTJONES
I'mAgentJones,andthisisAgent
Smith.We'rewiththeFBI.We're
nothereaboutanypills.Wesaw
thatFacebookvideoofyours,
whereyoumentionthatyour
roommateisdevelopingWMDs.And
weidentifiedyourroommateasthe
wantedterroristLeeGiang.

JOE
Terrorist?
(referringtoLee)
(MORE)
 27.

JOE(CONT'D)
Youmeantotellmethisdudeis
anA-rab?Ithoughthewas
Chinese.

LEE
Shutup,Joe.

FBIAGENTJONES
(toJoe)
Terroristscanbeanyraceor
ethnicity.

JOE
WhataboutAustro-Hungarian?

FBIAGENTJONES
Yes.Terroristscanbe
Austro-Hungarian.

JOE
WhataboutArmenian?

FBIAGENTSMITH
Just,stoptalking.Don'ttalk
anymoreforthenext48hours.

JOE
Ithoughy'allwantedtoaskme
somequestions.

FBIAGENTSMITH
Forgetit.Thatwon'tbe
necessary.Wegotourman.

FBIAGENTJONES
(toJoe)
Andhere'sthe
(handsJoeacheck)
$100,000rewardforinformation
leadingtothearrestofLee
Giang.

JOE
I'mrich,son!Yeah.Igotthat
BillGatesmoney.

Hestartsdancing.

D'RUCKUS
Yeah.Andyougotrichwithout
beingsomebitchasscomputernerd
likeBillGates.
 28.

JOE
Yeah.Idon'tdocomputers.I
catchcriminals.

ADEWALE
Inthisregard,youarequite
similartoDogtheBountyHunter.

JOE
Yeah.I'mgonnagocatchsomemore
criminals.

FBIAGENTJONES
We'dreallyratheryoudidn't,Mr.
Anderson.

JOE
(toD'Ruckusand
Adewale)
Let'sdosomebountyhunting.
Like,doweknowanypeoplewho
gotwarrantsout?

D'RUCKUS
Well.Yougotwarrantsout.Igot
warrantsout,too.

JoeandD'RuckuslookattheFBIAgents.TheFBIagents
lookatthem.JoeandD'Ruckusstartrunningaway.

ADEWALE
(toFBIAgents)
Theyareactuallyverydelightful,
upstandinggentleman.Ican
personallyvouchforthem.

FBIAGENTSMITH
...Areyouinthiscountry
legally?

Adewalepausesforamoment,andthenrunsaway.

INT.LEE'SAPARTMENT-DAY

JOE
(tocamera)
Hey.What'scracking,homey?You
chilling?Yeah.I'mchilling,too.
Yeah.OK.So,like,theFBI,like,
um,doneextraditedthatChinese
dude,andtheytookhisassback
toIsrael.
(MORE)
 29.

JOE(CONT'D)
And,like,Itookmyhundred
grand,andIspent,like,fifty
grandonliquorandho'sandpills
andmiscellaneous.AndIalso
dropped30Gsinapokergame.
Plus,Ialsoberentingthis
apartmentnow,andIhadtopay
5Gsforfirstmonth,lastmonth,
securitydepositmortization.And,
like,Ialsowenttoa
dermatologistformyrash--andthe
doctorwasVanessa'ssister,that
blondebitchwiththebigtitties,
andshechargedme$175.So,like,
mynetworthisnow,like,Idon't
know.Maybethreethousand.SoI'm
stillrich--butI'mnotBillGates
rich.I'mBillClintonrich.So,
yeah.ThisyourboyJoe.Wordup,
son.Peaceout.

THEEND