Personal Piece—Fatherhood

It seems that most of my life I have managed to keep more on my plate  than I could
handle, so naturally, I feel like I have gotten quite good at balancing my responsibilities.  As a
teacher, I have to have lesson plans created and papers graded; as a grad student, I need to stay
abreast of my readings and have my assignments completed on time; as a husband, I needed to
maintain (the word “grow” would be too ambitious) my relationship with my wife;  and if I can
manage to have any time left over, I can use it to pursue my own interests.  Becoming a dad, I
figured, would just be another responsibility that was added to the mix, and when it happened
just over a year ago, I reprioritized, making time in my  conjested schedule meant having to take
out my personal time.  So I did, without hesitation.  It was a sacrifice, but that’s what a man does
for his family.   I have neved really needed to think much about it, but when I did, when I traced
back my feelings about work and commitment and priority to its roots, I found myself standing
face to face with my own father.  I had a feeling that I would find him there, but actually taking
the time to search, has caused me to look deeper, reexamining his role has caused me to rethink
my own perceptions of fatherhood and my life.
My earlies memories of my dad involved him working hard and working often.   This
characterist of his was in sharp contrast to my personality of putting forth as little effort as
possible unless I found a task in which I was particularly interested in.  But by dad, he would
come home after a day of working with the laborers in the fields, eat dinner with us, then
continue to work around the house or in the garden.  Put a baseball glove over his calloused and
bandaged hands to play catch with me, then go to bed and be gone before I woke up.     He
coached my little league teams, took me fishing in Canada every summer, never missed a game
of my sporting career, and didn’t hesitate to set me straight when I needed it.    
As I grew older and more independent, I am noticing a progressive change in myslf; I am
becomming more like my dad.  Seperated by 400 miles, I am more aware now than I ever was
about how he influenced me.   Because of him, I learned to approach life with honesty and
diligence, to think before acting, and to be generous to others.  He defined my perception of what
it meant to be a man, and set me on the right path to become one myself.
Now, as I enter my journey into fatherhood, I notice myself thinking about him even
more.  I guess this isn’t surprising considering that he played the role of dad my entire life.   The
more I consider just how profound of an impact my father had on me, the more I find myself
reflecting and attempting to define the shoes that I will fill as the father to my own daughter.
Much like my father must have, I also am finding myself in the process of recentering my own
life around my family.  I can only hope, though, that my taking on this new role can have such a
positive impact as when it was in the hands of my dad.  
As I examine my own beginnings into taking on the name “dad,” I look to what he did so
that I can be the incredible positive force in my daughter’s life that my father was for mine.
Having such an impact requires more, though, than simply following in my father’s footsteps.
He shaped me, but I am by no means a carbon copy of him, nor does the world he guided me
though look much like the world Bernadette will see.   Parenting is personal, and I am coming to
see that any approach to parenting is contingent upon ones’ own personality traits and the
environment and culture in which it occurs.  My role as a parent will change, just as I , my child,
and the world in which we live does, but I feel that the foundation that informs my decisions as a
parent will have much in common with my father’s.  This is because the decisions that drive
parenting, much like in life, are driven by a particular set of values.  Values that were instilled
within me by my own father.
 Every day, it seems, that I become aware in new ways of how I have adapted my father’s
values.  And as I consider the set of values that I will be passing down to my child, I also need to
keep in mind just how my dad passed these values down to me.  It wasn’t through lecture, though
I had received plenty of them growing up.  More important was that every day I watched my dad
live out the lectures he gave me.   My father, for example, made the decision to work along side
of this employees rather than work over them.  As one of his employees at the nursery for some
time, I saw him do this regularly, and I also saw the respect it gained him.  He has never gave me
a lecture on the subject, but by watching him, I learned that leader does not ask of other what he
of she is not willing to do themselves.  
Knowing my role as a parent is,in part accomplished through the example I set, has
helped me reexamine my own conduct, ensuring that my actions will serve to guide Bernadette
as she grows into her life.  I don’t think that I need to do much realigning of my own behavior, as
I stand right now, I’d feel pretty good about Bernadette following in my footsteps.  But having
such an awareness, especially in the cases of a difficult decision, one where doing the right thing
is tough and my conscious is easy to ignore, I’m going to think twice.  Part, I think, of why I am
often driven by doing what is right (though I may not always do it), is that I always saw my dad
do it, even when he didn’t have to.
And as I teach my daughter my values, I hope that she will adopt them in much the same
way as I have, and that they will facilitate her navigation through and success in life.   But for
her, I know that the significance in my role as a father extends  beyond my experiences with my
dad.   It was through my father that I learned what it meant to be a man.  With Bernadette, while
I will have an affect on he character,  I will not be affecting her gender identity.  Yes, she will
learn her ideals of manhood from the example that I set, b this perception will subconsciously
guide her in searching for her ideal partner.  
I hate thinking such frightening thoughts of the little girl who is just now getting the hang
of my name, but now is when I must consider it.   I know that as I continue my journey as a
father, my love for an relationship with Bernadette will grow in ways that I cannot yet
understand.  And while I always will be her dad, she won’t be mine forever.  Passing her off,
whenever that time will be tough, but as I have come to see, the most meaningful aspects of life
are. I’m sure that I can’t image what it would be like, but I like to try to envision it.
It’s a simple movie in my mind. No special effects, elaborate costumes, or gripping
climax.  Actually, it only has two scenes. The first begins with sound of the car door shutting, a
bead of sweat dripping slowly down the side of my head. My hand turns the ignition and puts the
truck into drive, pulling onto the highway from the university.  The second begins with her arm
in mine, flowing white dress trailing behind.  My arm loostens, she slides hers out.  Shiny black
shoes turn and step, now alone. Step, step.  Dress shoes disolve to tennis shoes, as the camera
pans up to ragged jeans, a university t shirt.  Fade to a tuxedo, a bowtie, a face. My face. I
exhale, the creases around my eyes smooth to wrinkles, and I smile.  A small but certain smile,
one of content, knowing that my years of love, selfless sacrifice, set Bernadette on a path, one
that lead the creation of the life for herself, drawing upon what I have given and showed to
navigate its twists and turns and forks towards her own sense of happiness and peace.  To a
place, no matter how far away, where she will hope that she will do the same for her child.

These are changes that I got rid of:

I am thankful for his example, because it has allowed me to see that in just one year, I am
already on the wrong track.
Let me back up a bit.  I mentioned sacrifice earlier, and without question, my tendency do do so
came as a result of my own father’s influence.  I juggle responsibilities, giving each of them
some time so that I can complete everything, even if it means leaving my own desires out of the
picture.   I have always been that way, and I took on becoming a parent with the same approach,
but continuing to do so will preclude me from being the father I need to be.  Fatherhood is more
than a new responsibility to be juggled with others; taking such an approach negates its
importance.  While my father may have spent time away from his family while at work, all of his
actions were driven by his love for my mother and his children.  It didn’t take me long to realize
the importance with which I viewed teaching, coaching, and learning was not were out of
proportion to the areas of family life that need my attention.   With my graduate coursework
about wrapped up, now is the best possible time to reexamine what fatherhood means so that my
daughter, Bernadette, can…..