Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 1

Callums Retreat.

During the second world war Callum Murdoch was a conscientious

objector. Because of this he spent his early twenties in the Waikune Prison,
digging rocks beneath the slopes of Mt Ruapehu. When he returned home
after the war, he and his father had a fight. Callum left the old man sitting
on the ground, bleeding from the mouth. Thats why he moved down here in
the first place and probably why he stopped believing in pacifism as well. He
lived in a late nineteenth century cottage near the sea. Peter visited him
there regularly. Each week on Fridays theyd play chess and also smoke.
Peter denies this of course. But on those evenings when he came to bed I
could smell the tobacco smoke in his hair. Its possible, of course, that
Callum was the only one doing the smoking. Regardless of whether he
smoked or not, Peter found consolation in being part of Callums retreat
from the world.
Dont you think its ironic, losing his family for something he doesnt
believe in anymore?
Peter and I were walking on the beach. This was a few years ago when
he first told me about Callums time in prison. Peters face had developed
that cold resolve Ive come to expect whenever Im not on his wavelength.
Yes, I suppose its ironic. But tell me something thats not ironic.
People are always selling themselves out for things they dont really believe
in.
Like what?
He pulled away from my question and disdainfully mulled over the sea
for a while instead.
Like marriage, he eventually replied. Why do you think there are so
many divorces? Because people sell themselves to a moment of anticipation
that ceases to mean anything to them once they discover what its really all
about!
Now youre being cynical! My exasperation clearly satisfied Peter. His
voice was suddenly all full of reason as he swung around and reclaimed the
conversation.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 2

No, Im not. Think about your mother. Im sure for a fleeting moment
on her wedding day she believed in some thing called marriage. She probably
even believed in the beauty of faithfulness every day of her life, or told
herself she did, while she followed him around the garden carrying his rose
pruners and secateurs. And what did she tell you when she was dying?
Its not the same thing.
I cant see why its not.
Its not. And anyway its typical of you, stealing someone elses story
to prove a point.
Not that I was even sure what his point was anymore. Peter has a way
of winning arguments this way. For some time we stood in silence, except for
the hammering of wave after wave and the children screaming after seagulls
further up the beach.
I dont see why you find Callum so interesting. Hes just a strange,
tortured old man.

He was lying on the beach in the rain when Peter found him. His eyes
were open, his hand reaching out for the fishing rod that lay beside him.
There was no indication at first of what had caused his death. Later the
doctor said his heart had stopped. Just like that. Stopped while he was
fishing and he just fell back on the rocks waiting to be found. His blue eyes
stared sorrowfully up to the sky while the grey tatter of his beard was
showered in the salt spray of the waves.
The sorrow immediately following Callums death wasnt the result of
people mourning their loss. The sorrow was felt more in the near absence of
loss.
After hauling the body away from the high-tide line, Peter ran up to
Callums place to call the police. The officer who arrived an hour later was
new to the area and didnt know Callum. Peter sat with Callums body and
waited. It was mid morning. Hed been dead for several hours.
Do you know of any family members we could contact? Relatives,
next of kin?
He doesnt really have any family as far as I know. Peter said. Im
the only person to have visited him regularly over the last few years. He had
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 3

a wife who left about five years ago. Sandra. Shed probably like to know
about it.
The officer took down the details in his notebook while Peter stared
out the window into Callums backyard, trying to get lost in the rain. The
carefully tended vegetable garden was in full early autumn abundance. It
was probably the only thing that would really miss Callum.
Do you know how to contact her? the officer asked.

I met Sandra at the Inter-city bus stop two days later. It was good of
her to come, really. After so many years I doubt whether I could have done
it. She wore a pair of jeans, a home spun cardigan and lines on her face that
werent there when Id seen her last. Last time was when I visited her in
Christchurch not long after shed left the Coast. I dropped in to see her at
the small house shed bought just fifteen minutes walk from the centre of
town. She was in the process of redecorating.
It was a pretty rough place when I first moved in, she said while
washing the brushes in the laundry tub, but at least I can do what I want
with it.
I thought it was starting to look pretty amazing and told her so.
Sandras an artist, maybe she doesnt call herself that, but she is.
Everything she touches seems to fall into place, in a way I could really begin
to envy. Her decorating was so risqu that the thought of my own home, the
plain surfaces, the safe and embarrassingly tiresome dcor, made me want
to cry. We sat on the porch steps for just over an hour before she went to
pick up Kathryn from the kindergarten.
God, Im happy here Sarah. I didnt realise how much I loved being in
the centre of everything. Cafs real coffee, not the instant crap they serve
up in the tearooms over on the Coast. Friends. The folk club. Sorry, I dont
mean that you werent - arent - a good friend Sarah. Its just that you were
one of my only friends over there, maybe the only one. The only real one
anyway. Would you believe, youre the only person whos bothered to stay in
touch since I left?
I miss having you around. I said, and meant it. I was happy for her
though because she looked happier than shed been for a long time. She
picked at some paint on her fingernails.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 4

How is Callum? We were half way through our conversation before

she asked this.
To be honest, I dont see much of him. I suppose hes OK. Same as
usual. Peter sees him every week.
I dont understand why I got myself involved with him. He wouldve
been a fine person to get to know if hed lived here in town, like a friend or
someone in a circle friends. But it doesnt work like with him.
No I know. He doesnt have a circle of friends anyway. Neither does
Peter now that I come to think of it.
Do you think they choose to live that way or is it just the way life
reacts to them?
Thats a good question, but I dont know Sandra. I really dont know.
We said goodbye as I got into the car and promised to see each other
again soon. This was a few years ago now and for whatever reason we
havent caught up with each other since.

I stood by the side of the road and waited while she got off the bus.
Once wed loaded her luggage into the back of the boot I suggested she might
want to visit Callums old cottage first. The cringe on her face told me
anything like that would be too much right now. I regretted having made
such a hasty suggestion.
Lets just go straight to your place.
Sure. Im sorry.
Thats alright. I just cant be bothered going through it all right now.
It never was my place anyway and it would feel strange somehow.
Hows Katie? I asked, shifting the subject. She must be about eight
now?
Nine a couple months ago. Shes a good kid. I didnt want to bring her
with me I mean she doesnt even know him really. She can work it all out
for herself when shes a bit older. If she wants to.
So what did you tell her?
I told her the truth. That her father had died. But she really didnt
want to come anyway. Like I said, he doesnt mean that much to her.
I suppose thats understandable. I said.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 5

The sun broke through the low hanging clouds creating a momentary
stream of light across the bush pocketed grassland either side of the road.
I almost forgot how beautiful it was over here. Moody and beautiful
and awful, all at the same time. Sandra turned to me. It can do your head
in though, cant it, the intensity of this landscape? Its almost like were not
supposed to be here.
I guess so. I replied.
So hes finally shrugged this bad old world off his back. I always
thought hed die doing something like fishing. I just hope he passed out in a
good state of mind.
I looked at the side of her face. Shes still looks gorgeous. Sandras
about forty years old now. Thats a few years older than me. Thirty years
younger than Callum. She met Callum at a local music festival a couple of
years before Peter and I moved over here. It was one of those unlikely
matches that doesnt really surprise anyone.

We were sitting around the table at home waiting for the funeral
director to call in. There was a bowl of walnuts on the table and Peter started
cracking them together, two by two in his fist. Sandra and I joined in.
Oh my God, theyre tough. Im going to need a hammer or
something. Sandra said. Peter went to off to find something for us to use.
While he was gone we sat there rolling walnuts across the table.
So what was it about Callum you found attractive in the first place? I
asked.
Its a strange time to be asking questions like that.
I dont know, its something thats always hung in the back of my
mind. I mean I know why you left, but its still kind of mysterious why you
two got together in the first place.
Fuck Sarah, youre really on form today.
It was easy, not having been around Sarah for so long, to forget the
way she could make me feel sometimes. I dont think Sandra intends to
make me feel inappropriate or stupid, thats my own insecurity. Shes just
straight up about what she thinks.
Dont worry, its OK to ask. I just wasnt expecting a question like
that. A walnut cracked in her grip. Got one! She said, then looked at me
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 6

quizzically. Do you ever ask yourself those kind of questions? Like what you
saw in Peter when you first met him?
Sometimes I do, I replied. It depends how well were getting on at
the time.
Well, I dont know about Callum. I mean, Christ! Hes so much older
than me for a start. I might have been crazy, because I definitely wasnt
young enough to blame it on being young. Her long fingers carefully
removed the shell from the walnut as she spoke, leaving it perfectly intact,
like two brains joined together on a single stem.
Well I was at the Fox River music festival, just for the weekend, and
of course it was raining like it does. Someone had set up a large open-sided
tent, like an old army tent or something. Anyone who wasnt standing out in
the rain listening to the music had gathered around, sitting there, just
talking about ideas and stuff. Callum was in there too, wearing a yellow PVC
parka, shorts and no shoes. He looked completely out of it, like a mad
prophet of the nineteen-eighties, and whenever he talked it sounded like
poetry, as if he was performing. I dont know, maybe he was. Almost
everyone there knew about his time in prison as a conscientious objector. So
he had credibility with people there in a way he didnt have with the local-
locals.
She looked up as Peter came back into the room with a nut cracker
and a pair of pliers.
So yeah, we just kind of got together then.
Peter pushed the tools onto the table and sat down.
Ill let you two fight over who gets what implement of destruction.
Sandra held the shelled nut out to Peter with a look of minor triumph.
Peter shook his head.
You know Sandra, Callum didnt choose to be a recluse. The people
around here turned him into one. Its just like what you were saying, he
wasnt good enough for the local-locals.
Maybe thats true Peter, but then you didnt have to live with him.
Yeah, youre right. Peter said this without much resignation, which
blew me away, because after Sandra left hed always taken Callums side.
Hed taken Callums side so often in the past that I despaired at times of ever
understanding either of them.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 7

I had tried to console Callum, in some way, by visiting him a few weeks
after Sandra had gone. The rain was beating down and running over the
gutters in torrents when I knocked on his door. Going to see Callum was a
decision I made in opposition to my most natural instincts. By the time I
pulled into the driveway I had already imagined several desperate
conversations that only revealed how insincere I was and how little I really
knew him. When the door opened I could barely make out Callums figure
standing in the doorway. He was staring at me with the remotest expression
and his face was pale, as if the inside had been washed away in the rain.
Can I come in for a few moments? I asked before being shuffled
inside.
Callum closed the door behind me and sat down at his kitchen table. It
suddenly dawned on me that in the few years I had known Callum and
Sandra, I hadnt visited them in this house once. Peter visited him and she
visited me but other than that there had been no real overlap between our
separate worlds. I sat down beside him at the table.
Are you all right Callum?
The look on his face made me wish Id made some sort of effort at
friendship earlier. His grey beard hung from his jaw like bush moss and the
rims of his eyes looked faintly sallow. He took out his pipe with a shrug and
began packing it with tobacco.
Did she tell you why she left?
How can you answer a question like that?
No. I answered.
It doesnt matter what she told you. She probably doesnt know herself
anyway.
Im sorry Callum, I dont know. I just wanted you to know that I
choked for a moment on the sudden hollowness of what I was saying, that
youre welcome to come over to our place, for tea, anytime. If you want, of
course.
I had done what I came to do. Id held out my sympathy, the rest was
up to him. Callum crossed his legs and hunched the long, fine boned frame
of his body over the smouldering pipe clasped in his hands. I absorbed the
scarcity of his kitchen. The only decoration was a calendar hanging above
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 8

the table. The cleanliness and order of the place was more like the order of a
tramping hut than a home. God, no wonder Sandra had found it so difficult
to make it her own. Sitting there I could imagine Callum wincing at her
suggestion to repaint and get new furniture. I could see him removing the
flowers she had placed on the table only a day before and quietly sabotaging
any desire to nourish their relationship. He may have been Peters friend,
but sitting in his chair there in front of me, he just looked lonely and
ridiculous. The pity I had felt towards him began to evaporate, replaced by
anger instead. It was impossible to continue a conversation that Callum
clearly didnt want to have anyway. If it wasnt for the rain I wouldve wound
down the windows on the drive home to let the wind blow Callums
depression out of my head. Instead I listened to Joni Mitchell and watched
the rain hurl itself in futility against the windscreen.

The night before the funeral Peter was putting the children to bed and
Sandra was helping me dry the dishes when there was a knock at the door.
Ill finish doing these, Sandra offered, taking the tea-towel from me.
Is this the OBrien household? asked the elderly woman who stoof at
the door.
Id never seen her before. She carried herself with an erect sort of
dignity. Her dark grey hair was straight and fashionably short.
Im Sarah OBrien, I said.
Oh I hope I havent caught the wrong end of the stick, she said once
we were standing in the kitchen, but your vicar gave me your address over
the phone before we left Nelson. He said you were as close a thing to family
as Callum had down here, so I thought Id drop in on our way through to the
motel.
Peter came back into the room. Sandra was leaning over the kitchen
counter, visibly overwhelmed for the first time since shed arrived.
This is Helen. Callums sister. I said to Peter. Peter didnt look
surprised. I wondered for a moment if he might have known something I
didnt.
Hello Helen, Im Peter, he said extending his hand out to her. Hes
not really our vicar, hes taking the service, thats all.
Sandra had broken away and was looking out the window.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 9

Is that your husband waiting in the car? Does he want to come in or

just stay out there?

Helen Fishwick was Callums last surviving sister. She had lived in
Nelson with her husband Victor, who we finally managed to coax out of the
car with the promise of a cup of tea, for all of her adult life. She hadnt seen
or heard from Callum for the forty years since hed left the farm in Motueka
where their parents had grown tobacco (that was before people knew about
the terrible health effects!) Victor also came from a farming background but
had the sense to have studied medicine at Otago before returning to Nelson
and joining a local practice. Helen had the sense to marry someone with an
education.
Weve been very happy in Nelson, havent we Victor? Weve never seen
any reason to travel. And as for Callum, we simply never heard from him
again, until Saturday when we saw his death notice in the paper. I couldnt
believe it at first, could I Victor? Victor had to take a second look at it to
make sure I was seeing things correctly. Then we got a call from the police
later the same day and here we are. Its awfully strange after all those years
of not knowing where he wasVictors never even met him, have you dear?
No, thats right, affirmed Victor as Sandra passed him a mug of tea.
We dont have tea cups Im afraid, I told them, were normally coffee
people around here.
Victor shuffled and seemed about to say something before Helen cut
in.
Thats fine. Its very good of you to make us one, after calling in
without warning. It was very rude of us really.
No not at all, said Peter, he was your brother after all.
Yes. Yes I suppose so. So you all knew him very well, did you?
Sandra put the last cup down on the table and quietly excused herself
from the room. I followed her out onto the rear veranda. Peter appealed to
me with a look of half-desperation.
Sorry, I said to our guests. Ill be back in a moment. Sandra was
very close to Callum, thats all. I hoped Peter would be able to steer the
conversation away Sandra for the time being.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 10

Sandras face was turned out toward the coast. The sun had been
down for a few minutes and was withdrawing its final light from the lower
part of the sky. We could hear the hushed clapping of the waves off in the
distance. After a few minutes Sandra shook her head slightly without
turning from the view.
I couldnt help it. It was suddenly very intense in there.
Yeah, this is a bit of a surprise appearance.
Whats she going to think of someone my age having a child with her
older brother? Thatll be a real conversation killer.
I suspect you might have already done that when you walked out
looking like you were choking. I said.
Probably. She laughed but I could tell by the look on her face she
wasnt going back inside.
Why dont you go for a walk out to the headland? Theres a torch in
the garage, Ill go and get it for you.
Sandra nodded.
Sure. Thats not a bad idea.
Sandra. Dont worry about it. This will all be over by tomorrow
afternoon. You know, Peter and I think your bloody good coming over here in
the first place. I wouldnt of.
Really?
No, I dont think so.
What, so if you were in my shoes, except it was Peter who died
instead, you wouldnt have come over?
I dont know. Thats a bit different I mean we havent split up and
he didnt make it hard for me when I had the kids like Callum did for you.
Sandra smiled a sad kind of smile. It was hard to make out who she
being was sad for. I had an uncomfortable sense it was for me. Maybe I
didnt know Sandra as well as I thought I did.
Were all adults Sarah. I made the decisions I made. Its useless to
hold Callum responsible for everything that happened.

When I finally came back inside Helen was describing the way in
which Callum had left the farm following his return from the prison. This
was the last time she had seen him. Peter was sitting there acting like he
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 11

hadnt heard the story before. Helens account differed in a significant

number of ways from Callums story and I could see Peter was instinctively
avoiding any disagreement. Both Helen and her mother had been away at
church the morning Callum left and she could only rely on what information
her mother had been able to extract from her father about the quarrel.
It was all very tragic by the sound of it, said Victor diplomatically
glancing at his watch. Well wed better get going to the motel and leave you
good people to get some rest before tomorrow.
Im sorry for having to run out on you like that, I said. But it was
very nice of you to call by before the funeral.
Oh thats fine dear. Its always tough when someone close dies and it
doesnt surprise me that what few friends Callum has are so close to him. He
was always like that you know never one to trust the crowds.

After the funeral, Sandra, Peter and I decided to go and sit in Callums
back garden for a while. This was Peters idea because the service had been
short and we had a few hours to spare before picking the children up from
the school bus.
Christ Im glad I left him when I did, otherwise Id be a widow now.
I could just imagine you sitting around here, said Peter going to
seed with everything else in the garden.
We should do something with all these veggies, otherwise theyll just
go to waste.
And Callum wouldnt approve of things going to waste, laughed
Sandra. He couldnt stand me going to the supermarket if there was still a
bag of old potatoes in the pantry. I reckon you guys should eat as much of
them as you can.
What about you? I asked. What are you going to do about this
place? Its going to be years until Katies old enough to decide what to do
with it.
I dont know. We could use it as a bach or something. I guess Ill need
some time to think about that.
We should at least make some lunch, I suggested.
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 12

Forty minutes later we were sitting on the porch eating mashed

potatoes and garden salad. Peter tuned Callums old valve-wireless into the
concert jazz programme and emerged with a bottle of fruit wine.
Glass of wine anyone?
Where did you get that from? I asked.
Hes got a stash in the pantry.
Wheres the old garden shed gone, Sandra asked as she took the
glass from Peter, he used to keep all his homebrew out there.
Peters eyes moved from admiring the colour of the wine towards an
area of wildflowers growing in the corner of the lawn.
He burned it down and sowed those wild flowers on the site.
He what?
I could see Peter trying to hide an unusually dry smile.
Shit I dont know if I should tell you guys or not.
Come on Peter. I was married to him. If you know some half-baked
thing he did youve got to let me know. Callum wouldnt mind us having a
laugh about it now.
Yeah, yeah alright. Do you want one of these Sarah? He passed me a
glass before falling back onto the old hessian-sack covered couch beside me.
Well this was about three years ago. I was driving home from the
high school when I saw flames leaping up from behind the macrocarpa
hedge. My first thought was that some of the delinquents in one of my
classes had lit it. Im not sure why; perhaps it was around the time a few
rubbish bins had been set on fire at the school. Anyway, when I saw Callum
lurking just over there with a rusty old diesel drum hanging from his arm it
was obvious hed lit it. He was totally absorbed.
I cant believe you didnt tell me about this at the time! I exclaimed.
Sarah, you were critical enough about Callum as it was. I wasnt
going to give you any excuse to call in the emergency psychiatrists.
Thanks a lot. I wouldnt have done anything like that.
Im just joking sweetheart.
What did he do it for? Sandra asked.
He thought there were spirits living in there. Is that right? Do you
say living when you talk about spirits?
Callums Retreat Andrew McDonald 13

Sandra shook her head, No, that doesnt sound right. Spirits more
likely inhabit a place.
Do you know where got those ideas from? Peter drained his glass
and began pouring another one. Shoot this wines good. I mean, I had no
idea what he was talking about. The whole thing made me so nervous it was
easier not to ask. Thats the end of that, he said when he saw me coming
through the garden. He had this look of complete satisfaction spreading
across his face. I thought you crazy old bastard. Then he made me coffee
with condensed milk and we sat here watching the last of the shed buckle
into the ashes. I suppose when youre friends with someone like I was with
Callum you try to overlook their strange little quirks.
It doesnt surprise me, said Sandra. He did do some pretty odd
things from time to time. Harmless stuff, but just totally off the wall without
trying to be.
So where did he get the idea about the spirits. I asked.
Oh people believe in all sorts of weird shit, if you really start getting
under the surface. Well you guys mightnt, but plenty of people do. Callum
was quite into reading about that sort of stuff for a while when we first got
together. Youre right Peter, he may not have deserved to be a recluse but he
was definitely a crazy old bastard.
We sat there for few minutes in silence. It occurred to me that in spite
of Peters unusual story, the place felt a lot more homely than it had the first
time, when Id visited Callum in the rain. I thought that whatever Callum
was, or had been, or if he was going to be anything now, even a fragmented
or fading idea in each of our minds none of that really mattered anymore.
When I looked at Peter and Sandra they were both looking at the wild flowers
and smiling. On the afternoon following the funeral thats what we did. We
sat together beside the reclusive welcome of Callums crazy flower garden,
drinking his wine and eating his widowed vegetables.