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Falling in Love and Loving
Falling in Love and Loving
FRANCESCO ALBERONI
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
to love, and yet this does not mean that the struggle
isnt real, any more than realizing it prevents it from
taking place. What is more, our detachment is
sensed by the other person.. And since he or she,
too, is experiencing the same thingputting him- or
herself to the test, our two phases of detachment,
and resistance to our powerful feelings of love, may
coincide. In this case, the time we spend apart may
lengthen; during this separation, furthermore, we
may perform actions that later will give the other
cause to feel jealous or else seem retroactive proof
that we dont love him or her. In any case in our
detached state we feel torn. We evaluate all those
little she/he loves me and loves me nots, half-
desiring to do without the beautiful, unmerited grace
of the others love, which would leave us so
vulnerable should we unconditionally open
ourselves to it, and half-desiring to take what we see
as signs of certain reciprocity. Does he or she need
me as much as I need him or her? Everything gets
analyzed in light of this question or truth test,
starting with the smallest details, such as whether he
or she arrives late or ahead of time, or whether he or
she looks with interest at someone else. Often,
however, what these things signify is far from clear.
FALLING IN LOVE AND LOVING 140
other. Each knows that the other will not ask what
he or she cannot ask. Out of desperation has come
the certainty of mutual trust. This is an integral part
of the couples reality: we might even say it is so set
in stone as to be institutionalized within their love
relationship. Both people know that they love
indeed, they cannot keep themselves from loving
each other. Both also know that they have limits that
they cannot overstep, and they accept this. Love is
what emerges from the covenant they have made.
And this pact, in turn, has come out of the
awareness that there are limits, that it is not possible
to have everything. Seen from this perspective, a
couples matured love is always a love for what-
was-not-wanted.
This process doesnt occur once but many
times in our lives. There is desperation, followed by
a covenant. Each time there are new certainties,
thanks to which we can reorganize our daily
existence.
That said, there is no guarantee that what we
experience when we fall in love will necessarily
become love of this sort. Our life plans can be so
radically different that they may not admit
compromise. We might not reach the razors edge of
FALLING IN LOVE AND LOVING 150
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
even remove from his or her life the person that the
gift is intended for, on the other hand, he or she
knows that it isnt possibleindeed, the other
person is central to his or her existence. But just
you wait, that gift communicates silently, because
one day Ill have no more use for you and Ill thrust
you back into the oblivion where you belong.
The holiday season is marred by insincere
utterances and gestures of various sorts, among
which this type of gift-giving. Whereas holidays
should be a time for love, in great part they
become a rendering of servile homage to the
powerful. Not that this doesnt make us
uncomfortable and uneasy about our own
insincerity; we know perfectly well what authentic,
genuine holiday spirit feels like or should feel like.
We are keenly and profoundly aware of the
difference.
Fortunately, there is another sort of gift-giving
which aims at conveying these sincere feelings
buried in our heart. We give these gifts to the people
that matter to us: to our parents, children, spouse,
brothers and sisters, and closest friends (some of
whom may even have power over us but whom we
care about and want to be with). Giving a gift to a
FALLING IN LOVE AND LOVING 214
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE