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p e r h a p s t a ke a w a l k t o t h e b a n d s t a n d i n t h e p a r k a n d
i d o n t w a n t y o u r g l a s s h o u s e p a r a n o i a o r b l a m e & c l a i m d e l u z e i t s r e a l l y n o t-
onethousandandfifty m y c u p o f t e a a n y m o r e r e l a x r e l a x
2 NEWS 13 February 2003

USSU ARTS & CULTURE Who knew a whole yard could go down in 11 seconds?
An in-depth look at what the Union
and UniS arts office have to offer us WEDNESDAY NIGHT OF week 3 saw a RAG BY CLAIRE ILES, KAY MERRITT AND PETE
citrus take place with a beer drinking NICHOLS
during the month of February during
competition being held at the bottle
the annual bank. Contestants could enter one of received a VIP ticket to the Union for the
arts & four categories: Fastest pint, Fastest Pint Carl Cox event this Wednesday (week 4).
culture through a straw, Fastest Dizzy Lizzy Boat So huge congratulations go To: Rod (with
week Race and the Fastest Yard of Ale. The night a double whammy), Miles and The Bar Med
page 11 begun at 10.30 with all the lads from Mens’ team. Special mentions must also go To:
Hockey queuing up for a chance to prove Charlotte Dawson, who as one of only 2 girls
themselves. Special got the ball rolling and to enter, fearlessly fought the girls corner,
the ale flowing, (all over his t-shirt anyway!) the Bar Med teams stamina and the member
THE NOT VERY downing a yard, a gallant start to the games. of union staff (who shall remain unnamed:
DEFINITIVE HISTORY OF BF After many Pints and Yards of Ale had been S****y!) who upheld his reputation, giving
As part of the consumed the first 2 teams stepped up for an outstanding performance: “Who knew
continuing the rather inventive Dizzy Lizzy Boat Race. a whole yard could go down in just 11
For those of you who are unaware of how seconds!”
Blast from the
this works: Two teams of four line-up and Last of all, thank you to the Union for
Past series, the first member downs a pint of ale and supporting the RAG event and to all the
the Surrey then runs about 10 metres to a pole where competitors, without whom, we literally
Alumni Society they place their head on top, and make five couldn’t have done it!
goes undercover complete turns. On the home straight back
to reveal some to their team, the effect of quickly downing
barefacts history a pint and running, combined with spinning,
professional page leaves you somewhat dizzily slaloming
| page 9 back.
The final competition was the fastest
THE CASE FOR WAR? pint through a straw! It may sound easy,
but believe me it’s a mission with all that
Rich Watts defends, up to a point, the sucking! I’m sure a woman would have
actions of Blair and Bush over the past won, if she had have entered (if you catch
few months Comment | page 5 my drift). Once all the fun and games had
been completed it was time to work out the
IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER winners of each event. Each winner

The success of RAG week Cathy Marshall reviews the RAG raid on the High Street and the success of RAG
The RAG raid on Guildford High Street last
Saturday 8th Feb saw the return of the nature in me took off and I was determined will never be susceptible to diseases like
Saturday raised a whopping £1500. Cathy
RAG RAID as 13 Raggies descended to raise the most money! Of course you cancer? Drawing from an article from last
Marshall sums up the week opposite
on Guildford High Street. We would be do get ignored by some people but most week’s edition of barefacts, it does seem
collecting for Breakthrough Breast Cancer, are polite enough to say ‘No thank you’ if that students and young people don’t
Come out! Come out now! one of our five nominated charities for this they’re not interested and you have to just really see the point of giving to charity.
Ben Supper returns with a theory that isn’t year. Breakthrough is one of the largest turn and ask someone else. Forcing people “What difference will my 50p make?”
without its corroborative evidence around breast cancer charities which was set up in to give you money is not the way of the seems to be the general conclusion but
campus Comment | page 6 1991 by businessman Bill freedman whose game so you can’t really get disheartened if after my experience of last Saturday I have
wife Toby Robbins had died of the disease. you’re not successful. For every five people personally seen what a difference even
Letters to the editor Bill and his family wanted to set up a who turn you down there will always be small change can make. I would say that
research centre and now needs to raise over one person who has the time to talk to you the average donation was about £1 which
Strong reaction to last week’s letter lam-
£5 million a year to support a programme and praise you for coming out and dressing on it’s own seems very little but after 4 and
basting barefacts for printing a spoof story
of vital research which aims one day to up. a half hours out in town I managed to raise
about Saddam Hussein Letters | page 7 eradicate breast cancer. While we were out Alli had been £377. If we had 20 people each collecting
The theme of the day was the Victorian preparing a fabulous spread of sandwiches, £300 then that’s £6000 in one day!
Exactly what you would expect Era and we had hired our costumes which crisps, biscuits and juice which didn’t last From a first hand experience I can
A review of Adam Sandler’s new flick fortunately looked almost warm enough to long once the morning group returned say that giving to charity easily makes a
Punch Drunk Love in the all-colour film face the February weather. Our fabulous starving and ready to warm up. After a difference and that to not give money to
section barearts | page 12 SU president, Paul drove us down into quick lunch and changing of costumes charity because you don’t think that you
town where we dissembled and spread out the afternoon group were ready to see if can make a difference is just shameful!
A night to remember? along the high street in pairs ready to be let they could beat the records of the morning In future years, I don’t see why RAG
Dave Abbott gives a rave review of the loose on the Surrey public. group and raise even more money. Again, shouldn’t continue to regain its popularity.
recent MadSoC production “FAME - the OK, so after months of planning we were Paul (who I must admit looked more like The round up of RAG Week so far shows
musical” barearts | page 19 finally there, our empty tins ready to be Peter Davison from Doctor Who than a that we have already raised £2932.42 for
filled with the high street starting to fill Victorian …sorry Paul!) drove us back charity and that’s just in one week!!!!
National trampolining success up with people. So how do we actually go into town where there seemed to be twice Chops has raised £496.50 to have his side
about collecting? After attending the RAG as many shoppers who we were sure were burns waxed off (yeowch), The Human
UniSport hosted the regional champion- conference at Strathclyde University in dying to donate from their bulging purses Auction pulled in £680.05, the PGA Quiz
ships last weekend. Find out what hap- Glasgow over the New Year I was ready to and wallets. £26.76 and Chancellors Challenge raised
pened on the back page Sport | page 24 put everything I had learnt into practice: One thing I did notice throughout the day £98.45 but it’s still coming in: RAG Mags
make eye contact, have some phrases ready was the type of person who was donating and pens are available from the Union
in my head, and of course the RAG motto: money and also how much. It did seem to reception for 50p each so please pop in and
Smile ‘til it hurts. be the over 30’s who were the most willing buy one.
Soon enough people started donating to part with their cash and men too but Thanks of course go out to the Raggies
money and coming up for a chat, intrigued then that could simply have been down and especially, Paul Wright (balloon
by our costumes and we all started to to my pretty pink frock and fluttering man), Charlotte, Alli and of course Ben
get into it. Despite the fact that we are eyelids! However, I personally received Mac for helping to count all the dosh
all collecting for the same charity, each very few donations from people under that we brought back. Thanks also go to
individual has their own tin and the 30 and practically none from Teenagers/ Surrey County Wardrobe and ‘Top That’
amount that they raise has to be counted students so does that mean that young party shop in Bramley for providing our
and the total given to the council (who issue people today just aren’t charitable or care costumes.
the permits). That’s where the competitive about donating? Do they think that they
13 February 2003 NEWS 3

Vice-Chancellors on receiving end of healthy pay increases

University principals average nearly 7% wage increase

BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH pay packet to £165,000 per year. This places

EDITOR him 13th out of an astonishing 164 higher
education establishments in a league table
A SURVEY BY the Times Higher Education published in the THES this week. Additional
Supplement has shown that last year statistics show that Surrey has 93 members
university vice-chancellors accepted far of staff earning over £50,000 a year, though
greater pay rises than those given to their it is also the highest placed University where
staff. The salaries of University heads rose no one other than the vice chancellor is
by an average of around 6 percent, and 33 earning over £100,000. Despite topping the
vice-chancellors were given pay rises in tables with the pay of their vice chancellor,
the region of 10 percent. President of the London Business School only awarded their
Association of University Teachers, Sally principal a 2.6% pay rise this year, though a
Hunt, said, “The fact that the average pay massive 78 members of teaching staff earn
rise for a vice-chancellor was 6.1% is more than £100,000 each year.
astonishing, particularly when they keep The reaction to the published figures has,
saying that they don’t have enough money to on the whole, been one of disbelief at the
pay their staff a decent, competitive wage.” relatively large salary increases, although
In stark contrast to the 3.5% average pay some believe that vice-chancellors are
increase offered to staff across the country, underpaid as opposed to overpaid. However,
the maximum salary belongs to the dean of members of teaching staff at universities
the London Business School, Laura Tyson, across the country feel that if there is enough
who earned £316,000 last year. money available to give their heads such
The vice-chancellor of the University of large pay rises, then there should be enough
Surrey, Patrick Dowling, was given a salary to pay the rest of the staff an acceptable
Above: police officers discussing the disposal of a car in the River Wey last Friday afternoon. It was originally increase of 7.8% last year, bringing his total wage.
thought that there might be a driver and passenger still in the vehicle, but eye-witnesses later confirmed that
some school-children had pushed the car into the river. It was pulled out a few hours later.

Lucky escape at Bellerby Court

Real suspension for spoof-news reporters A CANDLE SET fire to a remote control in a Royal Surrey County Hospital for checks
student’s room last Saturday morning after and was shook up after the event.
IN THE THES this week is reported the story of BY PHILIP HOWARD
she fell asleep whilst it was still burning. Richard Paxton, the head of accommoda-
a pair of students from the soon-to-be-closed NEWS EDITOR
The incident occured at about 6am in the tion, said of the incident: “There have been
Seale-Hayne campus of the University
Bellerby Court residences and was dealt a number of incidents over the last few
of Plymouth, who have been suspended of the content of the student newspaper’ and
with promptly by the warden, Dr David weeks involving candles. We must remind
following a spoof article in their student apologised to the VC. David Clark, welfare
Carey, who was at the scene of the fire all students that candles are not permitted in
rag the Seale-Hayne Chronicle. In The Sun officer at the students’ union, said that the
within 90 seconds of the alarm sounding. campus accommodation for the very reason
was an article headlined “Kill Saddam, win union would follow its own complaint
The student was fortunate enough to es- that they can be dangerous, as this incident
a Metro”, which the two James’ (James procedures as outlined in their constitution.
cape any injury, though she was taken to the has demonstrated.”
Lewis and James Messenger) spoofed in
the offending article, running with “Kill
Levinsky and win a Robin Reliant” – aimed
at the VC of the university, in protest over
the campus’ closure. Accompanied by a
Entrepreneurship for undergraduates
photo of a topless woman holding guns, the
article ran that ‘the Seale-Hayne gun club BY PHILIP HOWARD it.”, the group will support entrepreneurs
“had been putting in some serious training NEWS EDITOR with their various requirements, as listed
time… in preparation for their assassination by the THES; ‘The group will provide
attempt”’ reports the THES. Apparently AT THE SAME time as FUSE - the Federal the education, direction, promotion and
the students were suspended after the VC University of Surrey Entrepeneurs scheme networking that successful entrepreneurs
Above: the University of Plymouth, as depicted on the
received ‘telephone death threats at his front page if its website was launcehd last week, Oxford students need’. Supported by the Science Enterprise
home’, although the THES reports that this week launched a similar organisation to Centre of Said Business School and various
‘It was not clear whether there was a link help undergraduates market their business patent and trademark lawyers, the group has
between the death threats and the article’. A
university spokesman told the THES that the
Use your head, son ideas. ‘Oxford Entrepreneurs’ consists of
a group of entrepreneurial students whose
an international flavour with Australian,
American and Chinese members as well
students had ‘acknowledged the seriousness individual exploits have so far covered: as those from the UK. Alex Hearn, who
a ‘pharmaceutical lifestyle company’, founded the organisation told the THES: “We
a film production company, a company have noticed that student entrepreneurship is
which backs a community comparing bursting with ideas and concepts, yet until
LECTURERS WILL SOON be facing a sea of
drugs and treatments, a refugee assistance now has had no real outlet. It heralds a
adverts when they begin to teach, if Cunning
group, a medical engineering device and significant change that students are taking
Stunts (the ad agency that projected Gail
even equipment for home yoga practise. responsibility for generating wealth”.
Porter onto the Houses of Parliament) has
With the motto “Your idea. Bounce with
their way. The agency is planning to offer
students £88.20 a week to use their foreheads
as billboards. The corporate logos will need
to be sported for three hours to keep the
students in pay, with sponsors like FHM
and youth pay-TV channel CNX signed up,
reports the Guardian. “With student debt
becoming such a massive issue, we thought
we’d offer students maximum reward
for minimum input,” said Anna Carloss,
managing director of Cunning Stunts.
4 OPINION 13 February 2003

No kids please - we’re British

DO YOU REMEMBER the BBC distinctly pruned appearance.
THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION comedy series called 2 point Another interesting effect of
UNION HOUSE 4 children? Of course you this lower birth rate is that
UNIVERSITY OF SURREY do, the two parents called over the next 25 years, the
GUILDFORD GU2 7XH Bill and Ben, the father being UK population is expected
a plumber and the kids both to increase by around five
being horrors? Well, were million, with two thirds of
they to remake the series this rise being account for
today, it would have to re- by immigration into the
Why shouldn’t vice-chancellor’s be badged as 1.64 children, the
current record low for the
Indeed, with average life

much better paid? average number of children

in a British family. There are “A recent survey showed
expectancies in the UK
expected to touch 83 for
a number of reasons behind that many women today are women and 79 for men in
this statistic, one of which too busy to have sex.” that same 25 year period, the
Once again, the released figures showing pendent of vc’s pay. You wouldn’t expect an indicated by a recent survey UK will increasingly have to
how much university vice-chancellors are employee of Pizza Hut to demand a pay rise showing that many women look to skilled migrants to
being paid, and how this compares to their if the bosses get big pay rise, so why should today are too busy to have sex. I hear the bolster its shrinking workforce.
previous wages are causing a bit of a stir in that be the same in universities. words ‘sounds about bloody right’ being Without these extra workers, Britain and
education circles. That they have received a Thirdly, the job of a vice-chancellor is not mumbled somewhere in the background, Europe will struggle to maintain economic
wage increase of 6.8% on average has “as- quite the easy ride everyone presumes it is. but according to the survey, with more growth, and support this increasingly elderly
tonished” teaching representatives, “espe- Though they may once have been based in women in employment, visiting the gym population. Perhaps the most frightening
cially when they don’t have enough cash to academia, their jobs now entail part-time ac- and undertaking a variety of other pastimes, statistic is that by 2025, it is predicted that
pay their staff a decent, competitive wage.” countancy, part-time fundraisiing, part-time the 21st century women has less free time, almost 23% of the EU population will be
Well, let us look at a couple of facts before acadmia and part-time politics. In fact, is and consequently less sex than her 1950’s aged over 65 : that’s a lot of pensions and
we jump to that conclusion. probably more useful to have MBA after counterpart. Couple this with the fact that free bus passes. The fact that the stock
First of all, a university is no longer “just” your name than FRS. many more women are waiting until well market, the entity into which most pension
a university - it is a vast and complex busi- Finally, bosses if the big North American into their thirties before starting a family, fund managers sink their assets, has almost
ness that requires leadership and very strong institutes are paid typically double what vc’s and we are left with a TV series that has a halved in value over the last 3 years also
management. In the business world, heads are here. far less catchier title. makes the pension situation appear even
of such organisations can readily earn over Somewhere along the line, someone has to A lower birth rate and an increasing grimmer.
£500,000 and many earn over £1m. A vice- give: if Britain wants top-class universities life expectancy is leading to a so called By no means is it all doom and gloom
chancellor, however, only earns around then it needs to have top-class people. High- ‘beanpole effect’ within family trees. though, my suggestion for cashing in on this
£150,000. Taking into account the differ- flyers in departments are rewarded healthily Many more living grandparents and great- new demographic trend is to buy as many
ence in market, the salary seems reason- for their success so why not their bosses? grandparents, fewer aunts, uncles and shares as you can in firms that own and run
able. When the lure of big business comes along, cousins means a far greater elongation of bingo halls. In just a few years they will be
Second of all, the issue of staffing and how the pay within academia has to be able to your average family tree, leaving it with a worth an absolute fortune...
much they are paid is virtually totally inde- compete with that of the outside world.

Federal sports day Testing times for new graduates

MORE AND MORE employers The key to doing well is to
Next Wednesday sees the 2nd annual fed- to Roehampton - possibly because he knows are using tests to help them take full advantage of the
eral sports day between the University of they don’t win much otherwise. to find the most suitable preparation time. When
Surrey (Guildford) and the University of The event is still trying to establish itself as graduates for the positions the instructions are read
Surrey (Roehampton). Last year saw a very part of the sporting calendar so if you would they hope to fill. They are out, make quite sure you
interesting encounter with the days events like to support, make your way over to the used because interviews understand what you are
finally ending in a draw and an enthusiastic Varsity Centre and shout for whichever tean don’t always provide all asked to do. Make the most
vice-chancellor therefore handing the trophy you’d like to win. the information they seek of this opportunity to ask
concerning a candidate. For DR RUSS CLARK questions while you can.
example, if an employer Once the test starts it is out
The first second edition wants a guide to your ability
to reason with numbers,
“Assessment centres are of the question! You’ll have
practice examples to try.
used because interviews
a test provides a more don’t always provide the Don’t worry about holding
This paper is the first barefacts to have a second edition proper, since the version that appered accurate measurement than a everyone up if you find these
online on Tuesday night is a bit different to the one that appears here. The main difference is information they need.”
question during an interview difficult. It is vital that you
the coverage of the Arts & Culture week, so if you get a chance to look, please do. - however persuasive your understand what is required
answer! before the real questions
There are basically two types of test. The start. Thereafter, try to work - quickly and
NOTICES first sort are designed to measure different accurately. Some tests start easily and lull
aspects of your personality such as your you into a false sense of security. Don’t be
Societies Standing Committee 24th February 6pm LTF sociability or your assertiveness. They fooled! They often get more difficult as the
are not usually timed and there are no test proceeds and you realise you don’t have
International Societies Standing Committee 24th February 7pm LTF right answers. It is best to answer these as as much time as you thought.
honestly as you can rather than by trying to Finally, try to stay calm even if you think
Student Council 25th February 1pm LTM give answers which you think the employer you’ve done badly. Tests only form part of
wants you to give. the selection process and you can improve
Islamic society EGM (voting new president) 26th February 6pm LTL The other kinds of test are timed. They your overall performance by doing well in
are known as aptitude tests and are used other exercises.
to measure your ability in some area. For PS Look out for our Practice Aptitude Test
example, how good are you at working with Workshops. Please sign up in Careers if you
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK figures, can you recognise patterns, are you wish to attend.
good at reasoning with words, and so on.
“Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.”
ALBERT CAMUS (1913 - 1960), AUTHOR Dr Russ will be back in his usual home of the professional page next week
13 February 2003 OPINION 5

The case for war with Iraq

Perhaps there are reasons for war. At the very least, says
Rich Watts, the Prime Minister is owed an apology

SATURDAY WILL SEE around half a million support on this side of the Atlantic. What I
people turn out in London to protest the would argue, however, is that there is a clear
impending war with Iraq and denounce case for war and, if you are willing to look,
the tactics and reasoning behind Bush individuals whose arguments otherwise
and Blair’s reasons for removing Saddam are irrational and somewhat alarming
Hussein. A massive case for a “No to War” themselves.
campaign has been made by the majority of Let us consider how Tony Blair has been
government, the national press and indeed treated of late. Clergymen have accused
the nation and the protest this weekend will him of being “immoral” and “unchristian” Right: George Bush
be a manifestation of the general sentiment despite his well-known faith; he has been and Tony Blair. Is
the future of human-
throughout this country and various quarters labelled as President Bush’s “poodle” ity in their hands?
of Europe (and a fair portion of America, for and in a recent article in one particularly
that matter). fashionable tabloid (The Daily Mirror) he
But what of the case for war? Where was called a “liar and a coward.” This people because international sanctions thus threaten Israel. What’s more, friends of the
conflicts regarding ideologies, principles followed a full front page picture of the remained. United States would no longer hold trust in
and convictions lie - as are always present Prime Minister with the headline “Blood on Last year, resolution 1441 was passed their international friend.
when discussing war, there is always the his hands.” (This same paper also wrote of unanimously, offering a “final opportunity” Much focus has been placed on a second
need for debate, for the rational and for the Bush administration as “the Third Reich to disarm and warning of “serious resolution of the UN to advocate war.
the tempered to think things through; to of our times,” and so clearly losing out, consequences” if nothing was done. Indeed, many believe that the Prime Minister
balance; to compose; to assess. Now, not therefore, when it comes to Godwin’s law of Currently, we have been informed by is pinning his hopes on such a blessing if he
for one second would I argue that Messers “whoever mentions the Nazis first, loses.”) the chief of weapons inspectors, despite is to remain as Premier for this country
Bush and Blair have always represented There is also the small matter of Tony Benn difficulties caused by Iraqi officials in in the forseeable future. Such measures
the truthful, rational view on this war - far who, whilst visiting Baghdad, said: “I will procuring the evidence, that Iraq has still are admirable, but we must remember the
from it. Indeed, it is clear from his weekly see women and children who will die in the to give up its weapons. Thus Saddam is in lessons of Slobodan Milosevic’s rule over
addresses and his tone throughout these past next few weeks because the Prime Minister breach of resolutions 687 and 1441. Bosnia during the last few years and the
few months that George Bush, for reasons has decided to kill them.” This same man And so what is the choice now facing effect of non-action had on the inhabitants
that he is still to validate completely and then interviewed Saddam Hussein - a man us? Do we ignore this steadfast ignorance there.
satisfactorily, has his heart set on military who has oppressed and tortured his own of binding resolutions and take a path of If there is to be a war, then there is no
action. In much the same way, but to a civilians as well as invaded two neighbours least resistance, as advocated by France doubt that innocent civilians will die. That
lesser extent, Tony Blair has found himself and killed a million people - and said and Germany along with many others such thousands upon thousands of innocent
arguing an unpopular opinion and, mindful nothing when the Iraqi leader commented: that we leave Iraq to declare its weapons civilians have already died because of
of his many other issues at the moment “Every fair-minded person knows that when it feels like it (bearing in mind this Saddam’s lack of cooperation is already
(particularly Europe) is struggling to find when Iraqi officials say something they are is not happening in the face of “serious plain to see. But if something considerable
trustworthy. Iraq has no weapons of mass consequences”) or should something is not done, then the potential fall-out from
destruction whatsoever.” actually be done? Should the former occur not dealing with Saddam properly for
“What do What do such people suppose Tony Blair’s
ambitions to be? To start a war for the sake
then Saddam has won a victory over the
United States and the UN. In fact, the latter,
a second time is potentially much more
hazardous than it was the first time around;

people suppose of it? To set foot in Iraq in order to make

President Bush, and President Bush only,
if it chose to forget about these “serious
consequences”, might just as well pack its
surely there is a time when the use of force
in the name of peace is a reasonable action?
happy? I think not. bags and leave its stall marked “international To mock the Prime Minister, however
Tony Blair’s Following the expulsion of Iraqis from
Kuwait in 1991, the Security Council
peace and security” for no-one would take it
seriously again.
opposed to war you are, and to pin blame
upon him is short-sighted and suggests to
ambition to be? passed resolution 687 - a binding clause
- which said that international peace and
Once that has happened, we have on
our hands another North Korea: Saddam
me, at least, that the motivation for people
to oppose this inevitable war is neither

To start a war for security could not be restored to the area

unless Iraq gave up its weapons of mass
would continue to make weapons of mass
destruction; he would continue to murder
reasonable or rational.
Tell me - if war is avoided, will people

the sake of it?”

destruction. Since that point, Saddam has and terrorise his own people; he would use support Blair and Bush in their quest for the
ignored this and many other resolutions, the much vaunted oil-reserves to make a Nobel Peace Prize? That will remain to be
resulting in twelve years of suffering for a move on the international front; he would seen.

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published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union
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6 OPINION 13 February 2003

You have three minutes to read this article, from the very
second I close the door
Ben Supper has seen through UniS’ plans
and knows exactly what this “Vision for
2020” is all about. Fortunately for us, he is
willing to share his insight
about the populace of the University
turning into poorly-scripted automota
from an Antipodean soap opera was
received by critical acclaim. At least,
this is how I interpret the heartfelt
advice from one correspondent that I
should seek counselling. Yet still, the
closer you look at things on campus,
the more life can be seen to imitate
I’ve been on campus for far too long
-- long enough to remember when the
Duke of Kent building was nothing
but a big square patch of gravel
with a minibus parked on it. How
slow-witted people can be when the
changes around them are so gradual! “That construction work on the management build- Above: the centre
It’s taken me almost six years to put
two and two together, and to take ing is a feasibility study: they have began turning point of the Crys-
tal Maze - the
a different look at the architecture
of recent years. The Duke of Kent Stag Hill into a Crystal Maze theme park.” geodesic figure of
the finale
building is uncompromisingly
‘industrial’ from behind, with its is long and thin only because two prowess of the Sixties and Seventies. An advantage of this change is that
metal panelling, plate glass, and hundred and three people have to live Now they’ve started building more there’ll be a sudden huge demand for
exposed ducting. From the front, there. Guildford Cathedral will be cuboids in the areas they missed at stewards to check tickets, to run the
though, it’s a different story. It’s our Medieval zone. Even before the the West end of campus. To cap it all, funfair rides, to sell hot dogs, and to
sweeping three-dimensional curve, television programme started, they they’re poncing up our bars. clean up piles of sick. Lose no more
and its narrow, striated windows. began turning Stag Hill into a Crystal Most students won’t remember sleep, Arts graduates! The University
It indicates ‘future’, whilst also Maze theme park. this, but when they initially proposed has detailed plans for you after all!
conveying a maritime theme. Now, No, hear me out. This one’s brilliant. the Oak House complex, the artist’s In spite of the enormous influx
what’s one of those doing forty miles The University could make a fortune. impressions weren’t populated by of tourism, it’s quite likely that the
inland? Even more than they are making students. They were full of thin local residents will continue their
Hold that thought. Now, think about already. That construction work on people in shirts, sitting at airy tables reactionary wont, and will just say
the twisty passages, awkward angles, the new Management building is with laptops and glasses of water. You ‘No’ to everything. Do you ever
footbridges and narrow stairways actually a feasibility survey. The could see them mouthing the words see stalls on the High Street asking
around this campus. Consider the lack builders are actually contestants ‘Vision!’, ‘Future!’, and ‘Surrey!’. people to say ‘yes’ to something? Fox
of any central meeting place or focal in the midst of a two-year mystery Before the bulldozers moved in, we hunting? Incinerators? Sabre-rattling
point. Now, let your eyes drift across game. They have just a few months had the Hall Bar: a dingy brown pub in the Middle East? Plans to knock
the lake to that geodesic sphere. Have left to finish the building and fitting with red upholstered stools and tacky down The Drink and replace it with
you got it yet? Oh come on! Frenetic out before they get locked in. framed Tia Maria posters on the wall. something even more brutally vulgar?
shots of Richard O’Brien running Unfortunately for the theme park, For less than two pounds, you could All such plans are relentlessly sniffed
about in an aircraft hangar in tights they were given the wrong plans, and grab something called a ‘curry,’ out and opposed, or have already
and leopard-skin jacket. Lurid nylon- the lorry-loads of glass and bricks which, in today’s political climate, been exterminated.
clad contestants in hot pursuit. The which were supposed to make the would cause UN weapons inspectors The Guildfordian suspicion of
Future. The Ocean. The Industrial park’s centrepiece -- a giant glass to storm in and raid the kitchen. change, which has kept the town tidy,
Zone. How blind can we be? The icosahedron revolving on a four I was once informed that the peaceful, and pleasantly bourgeois,
Millennium House building isn’t hundred foot pedestal -- ended up as difference between a pub and a bar can cut both ways. It is why we
Below: the Ocean zone of the
imitating a train at all! The sloping the School of Management building is a carpet. The Hall Bar had a carpet. don’t have a supermarket which is
Crystal Maze theme park at
UniS, more formally known facades are supposed to echo the instead. Still, it could have been Roots does not. In fact Roots, by open 24 hours a day, or more than
as the Duke of Kent building Aztec pyramids. The whole shape worse. It could have been allocated comparison, is anodyne, noisy, and a bare minimum of green land left
to the School of Arts. considerably more expensive. In on campus when there’s acres of
The University is excellently every other way, it’s an improvement, space just down the road. In spite
placed to be a theme park, with good but don’t be fooled. It’s only a matter of having hundreds of thousands of
transport links to the M25, Gatwick of time before the rich Americans enthusiastic visitors to the Crystal
airport, London, and Heathrow (when start arriving, the servings get even Maze / Lego theme park every year,
SWT haven’t closed the station). The bigger, and we’re not allowed Guildford shall remain a town where
Vice Chancellor has realised that the to eat there any more. Then they you won’t be able to buy a portion of
University could make a fast buck if could fit quite a nifty little indoor chips, a bland kebab from a van, or
we disappeared round the corner to roller coaster in AP1-4, and tourists anything for that matter, after 11pm.
Manor Farm, and turned the existing could queue right down the corridor So, before you get carried away by
campus into a theme park: hence the without being rained on. At last, the magic world of theme parks on
‘2020 Vision’ thing. We’re already the University could make millions your doorstep, take some advice
got an excellent Lego World on the without having to pretend that it’s from a cheery station announcer:
go thanks to the architectural actually there for any other reason. ‘Guildford. This is Guildford.’
13 February 2003 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 7
Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters
may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail:

Dear barefacts it still portrayed the Iraq situation in a Dear barefacts, war, but that does not mean that we hide
(scarily) accurate way. Saddam Hussain and inside our wardrobes crying about it. Even
I wasn’t sure what I found funnier the article George Bush playing games represents them Mike Chambers shares an interesting the soldiers on the front line jested about
‘ridiculing’ the risk of war with Iraq or Mr ‘playing’ war. The games are played in a tit opinion. Perhaps also we should aim war, despite the fact that the next bullet fired
Chambers letter complaining about this for tat manner, and so often this is how war to ban “Political Theatre”, which often could have their name on it.
article. I felt that Mr Chambers completely unfolds. You bomb us, so we bomb you, so mixes comedy with war in order to expose Mr Chambers’ letter is the most ridiculous
missed the point of this article on several therefore you have to bomb us so we can reality. Perhaps also we should protest excuse for a protest that I have seen in a
different levels. bomb you again. You cheated at cards, so against Rowan Atkinson’s Blackadder, long time. I’m in the process of working
First of all it was obviously a Rag week I’m gonna cheat at cards etc etc. which clearly satirised life in the trenches in out whether he’s trying to be all “high and
article, something not to be taken too Perhaps by looking at situations as serious order to emphasise the weaknesses of war. mighty” by listing his titles or whether
seriously, something that was meant to be as this in a humourous or satirical way we According to Mr Chambers’ protest, these he is directly representing his society (or
taken in jest. Secondly the satirical nature of can first laugh, something which we all are irreverent and a “mockery” of “millions maybe perhaps both). He needs to think
this article I doubt very much that any of the need to do in these insecure and potentially of lives” being lost. Surely we should sit about his opinions and how he voices them,
barefacts team take the matter of potential dangerous times and secondly when we back and continually worry about the future and perhaps, if the party he represented did
war lightly. reflect on what has made us laugh we can wars. Well, why don’t we? that, then maybe they would have a fighting
The media spends a lot of its time ridiculing perhaps open our eyes and see what a I’ll tell you why. We have enough troubles chance of ever going back to government.
world leaders such as Saddam Hussain and ridiculous situation any war is, causing us in our life rather than worrying about
George Bush and events such as wars. It’s to readdress our values and attitudes to the another. We are all aware that the situation Yours sincerely
a way of looking at something, at pointing situation. (Please note I am not suggesting seems dangerous with Iraq at the moment, CHRIS WARD
out the flaws in someone or something that just seeing the funny side of an article and we are all aware of a possible nuclear LITERATURE EDITOR
without just getting angry. The British are a will create world peace.)
very sarcastic nation (perhaps Mr Chambers I feel that perhaps Mr Chambers should
Dear barefacts, direction following the discovery of an
hasn’t noticed) and often use this kind of reread the article and try and firstly see how
humour to deal with serious issues – take it can be seen as a reflection of the present
I am sorry that the story on the front page barefacts has a bit of a tradition when it
a look at comedians such as Rory Bremner situation with Iraq and secondly to try and
of last week’s paper offended Mr Mike comes to RAG week: previous RAG week
and you only have to open a newspaper take it in the spirit it was intended, ‘The
Chambers in such a considerable way. If he specials have seen stories relating how the
such as The Guardian or The Telegraph to spirit of Rag Week’.
had managed to suppress his rising bile long Vice-Chancellor had completed the alphabet
see the daily ‘cartoon’ overtly ridiculing
enough to read on to pages two and three he with letters after his name, plans for a plane-
the headline story, be it murder, corruption Your Sincerely,
may have noticed more odd, and possibly shaped building to match other transport-
or war! ZOE KILB
“shameful” articles. Had he even made it related accommodation on campus and
Although the Rag week article’s main RAG SUPPORTER
further to the editorial on page six he would even the sighting of aliens crashing into the
intention was to make you laugh I feel
have noted the third piece entitled “Fear not: Surrey Space Centre.
it was all spoof news in aid of publicising The problem with humour is that all effort
RAG week” which succinctly explained the is lost the moment you have to explain a
reasoning behind these articles. joke, though I do take amusement from the
In fact there were yet more clues present fact that Mr Chambers failed to realise the
My view on the Zimbabwe situation on the very front page itself. The footer on
the front page with the repetitive “rag week
purpose of the story.

special” and the side bar that read: “It’s not Yours,
real news - it’s spoof” may have provided PAUL WRIGHT
Dear barefacts, crops, and resurrecting democracy. Mugabe
more pointers, as may have the second lead writing in a personal capacity
will not change if no-one pushes him to.
story relating how USSU were changing
In reply to the letter of the last edition entitled And dictators can only be overturned by
“politics and cricket article in very bad internal uprising or international pressure,
taste”. It is good to hear that someone has or force if necessary. Since Mugabe controls
strong feelings on the topic of Zimbabwe,
since it is fairly apparent that most of the
the food, he can prevent the people of
Zimbabwe being able to rise against him,
USSU safety staff are “Neanderthals”
world is prepared to sit idly by and ignore so the only solution is political pressure. Dear barefacts,
the suffering of Zimbabwe. At present the In implementing full sanctions against of this, but if you’re not, be warned: security
ruling Zanu-PF party under Mugabe is Zimbabwe whilst distributing food packets I have been a student at this University for is comprised of brainless incompetent
denying basic human rights to anyone who independently of Mugabe and his forces, three years and there has been one thing meatheads who are more concerned with
opposes him, the MDC (opposition party) his control of the situation is removed and that has persistently annoyed me during applying unnecessary force than safety,
says its members are left out of the food he must either move toward democracy this time: security at the union. Last FNO, consistently refusing to listen to reason.
relief programs, and many are tortured. The and compliance or face being ousted. This two people were forcibly removed from the Not all security staff are like this but sadly
government has not imported nearly enough is the type of thing that the UN (sorry, I union without reason, allowed to pay to get they are in the minority. Mostly they are
food to feed its population, and according didn’t mean NATO in the original article) is back in and then forcibly removed again oafs who need to realise that they cannot get
the BBC 7 million now face starvation. there for, with military support to monitor without given a refund, and then one was away with throwing their weight around like
Meanwhile the farms whose owners have the situation, and prevent Mugabe moving thrown about outside the union even though bullies in a playground. The fundamental
been forced out in the land grabs lie empty to using violence to maintain control. I can he was just standing around not causing any distinction that their tiny minds cannot make
and unused. see no way out of the situation without problems. The most worrying thing about is that having the right to do something does
This is the state of a country whose international involvement. Of course it will accounts like this is their frequency; reports not necessitate doing it; security do have
leader is acting as a dictator, in which be more difficult to motivate other countries of security at this union being unnecessarily the right refuse entrance, and they do have
no opposition is allowed, and no one is to involve themselves in a country in which heavy-handed, unfair or just plain stupid the right to remove people from the union,
allowed to film the suffering. So to sit by they have no ‘national interests’, but that are far too common, it’s almost as though however this does not automatically justify
and do nothing, besides quibbling over should have no bearing on it. Mugabe must behaviour like this is adopted as a matter of doing it.
cricket matches, is criminal. Mugabe has be stopped. policy. The student population, however, are I ask all students to report all incidents of
effectively performed an ethnic cleansing I hope I have outlined my views more comparatively non-aggressive, incidents of security being out of line, no matter how
of white Zimbabweans, removed hopes of clearly, and I invite replies if anyone can domestic violence are rare and most people minor. Let USSU know that unwarranted
real democracy and forced his leadership see a realistic alternative solution to the who go to the union on a night out have acts of physical intimidation on the part of
by restricting food rations. Mugabe is problems in Zimbabwe. only peaceful intentions. Unfortunately the security occur too often and that this kind of
showing no signs of changing his policies, Neanderthals who work security don’t see it behaviour is not acceptable.
no signs of acting to improve the situation. Regards, this way and feel the need to exercise their
Zimbabwe should be importing more grain PHILIP HOWARD power liberally and unjustly. Those students Yours,
that just to feed its people, replanting NEWS EDITOR
reading this will probably already be aware TWYFORD RESIDENT
8 GU2 ON 107.3FM 13 February 2003

This is the sound of Guildford:

It is now the final week of FM, but GU2 shows no sign of abating as it se-
cures an outside broadcast from the Friary Centre and an army of support-
ers reach for the [1350]am dial. Rich Watts reports

You’d be forgiven that the folks over at GU2 had SHOW PROFILE: PHIL & SABEENA
done enough these last few weeks: exclusive air- What’s up? It’s Phil and Sabeena here, some of the
play of new albums, balloon launches, outside latest recruits to GU2. We were asked to present
broadcasts from Roots, making Barry Norman the Late Breakfast Show, hopefully, for our
do the calling for an interview, more competitions zany ideas, but most likely for our ability to talk
than you can shake a stick at and a presence on continuously about Justin Timberlake (actually,
campus that leaves few unaware of the frequency. that’s just Sabeena)!
But no - there was plenty more up their sleeve. Regulars on the show include ‘We Love The 90s’,
This week sees them, therefore, broadcasting a retrospective look at some of the best songs from
live from the Friary Centre between 12 - 4pm on back in the day. We’ve already had such gems as
Valentine’s Day. Setting their stall on the first floor Shaggy’s ‘Oh Carolina’ and Bryan Adams’ six-
- right by the Nike shop - the GU2 crew will be and-a-half minute rendition of ‘Everything I Do (I
giving away loads of Valentine’s goodies, catching Do It For You)’. We had GU2 presenters dancing
up with all the latest offers with the help of some and singing around the studio to that one, even
store-managers (Topshop and HMV included) and Judge Mental was playing the air guitar!
entertaining the unsuspecting public of Guildford. We breathe new life into the TV schedule and
Of course, if you would like to come along and give you our recommendations, which always
support the GU2’ers, you are more than welcome include regulars: ‘The Salon’, ‘Hollyoaks’ and
to pop down - who knows - you might even win a ‘Eastie-Beasties’ aka ‘Eastenders’! We’ve had
signed copy of Kelly Osbourne’s latest single. numerous competitions, including ‘Name that
Other than that, the FM period is finally drawing Tone?’ (possibly the most annoying thing to grace
to a close and the station will continue to broadcast the airwaves at nine o’clock in the morning), and GU2 live from the Friary Centre
on 1350AM. Though we would never claim that
this is the best reception in the world, it really
we had a whole week of competitions dedicated
to the Cheeky Girls! One lucky winner managed 12-4pm
is worth persevering on your hands and knees
for those crucial few minutes in order to take
to win their autographs and their CD! To be
in with a chance to win some prizes be sure to St. Valentine’s Day

advantage of that one point of reception in your listen to Late Breakfast this week as we start up
room and thus remove your withdrawal symptoms the soon-to-be-all-time-favourite ‘Sounds of the
you will more-than-likely be experiencing next Campus Ground’. Make sure you pay attention to
Wednesday. all of those strange noises you hear on your travels
All that is left to say is that the 2nd birthday party around campus!

of GU2 will be on Tuesday of wk.5 and you are So, keep listening to GU2, it’s the smartest thing
more than welcome to come to the party. you’ll ever do, apart from graduating, obviously!

Who’s on at what time: the full schedule

Below is the full weekly schedule, colour coded to the best of our ability in order to give you an idea of
what sort of music each DJ will be playing. If you don’t happen to have a copy of barefacts available to
check the schedule then log on to and have a look: all the details will be right there.

107.3FM monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

Judge Mental’s FM Breakfast Show
09:00 Philip Brown and Sabeena Sabir
11:00 Paul Wright
Anthony Deluola
12:00 Society Lunch
Naomi Facey
15:00 Chris, Jay & Amelia Lefroy Chris, Jay & Jay & Amelia Chris & Amelia The Christian
Amelia Amelia Show
Jay Butcher pecialist
18:00 The Weekday Vibe with P mix@six
19:00 Just a rock show Kaz V & Kwab The J-Team Cyclone dance Xin Xin Chris
Beats & Pieces
P laylist
The full sched- 20:00 Beats & Pieces Arun Classic Jay & Woody Hall Take 2
ule for the FM
period, complete
21:00 Cyclone dance Sex Mickcheese Oli Horton FRIDAY NIGHT CHILLOUT WITH The essence of D ance
with weekend 22:00 Kerrang radio Sex MickCheese Barfly in session Barfly in session
listings. To see
23:00 The Presence CMJ
who is currently The Dark Side Chris Chang MALCOLM TAYLOR heese
on air at any 00:00
the website: 02:00 ACM S BN
13 February 2003 SURREY ALUMNI SOCIETY 9

A not very definitive history of barefacts [issues 1-100]

Continuing our ‘Blast from the Past’ series, Phil Verity [elec. eng. ‘71] covers
the somewhat colourful history of the very publication you hold in your hands:
barefacts [issue 1050]

IT IS 1968 and the recently chartered Show [May 69] and caused uproar as this
University of Surrey, formed from Battersea coincided with the Arts School sit-in (this
College of Advanced Technology is about was the sixties) and we were less than
to relocate to the virgin site of Stag Hill at sympathetic to the County Council. (From
Guildford. The migration would take some here, my personal involvement reduced
three years to complete. following my Part I’s and Prof. Lovering
Early in the summer term of ‘68, a suggesting a degree was not an optional
lunchtime Students’ Union meeting in the extra.)
Battersea Great Hall raised concerns on the Robin took over from Brian, and Tony
split and its affect on the students. At the post Allan joined the crew. This team welcomed
meeting SU Exec. the outgoing President the first edition of Grapevine [GV] (scandal,
for 67/68, Bob Matthews suggested a single smut, innuendo, rumour) and BF’s first brush
page news-sheet, and set about producing with solicitors following an infamous letter
the first issue. Intended to bridge the 25- from Fred Stride [Mech. Eng 70] and BF’s
mile gap between the two halves of the racing correspondent. Two editions later
University, it would contain information some innocuous Playboy cartoons nearly
about Club and Society activities and got us reported for pornography. Tony Allan
general Student Union notices. This was took over in Autumn 69 and his first edition
to help compensate for the difficulties in caused the catering staff walk-out with his
attending Student Union General Meetings, “sloppin’ in” editorial to commemorate
and also to fill the vacuum left by the usual the opening of the Library restaurant. GV
summer demise of the Surrey Guardian. (An got larger and more puerile; photomontage
organ that had a high opinion of itself, but became popular, and the Basil Brush,
appeared erratically and usually well after Almost Animal and Angel cartoon series
the reported events.) appeared. [BB referred to the bursar Brig.
In summer term ‘68, Rob Thomasson Rush and should not be confused with any
[Maths 70] had been elected Students’ Union foxy TV character]. With Stuart Wilson as
Vice President (Guildford) and Janice Prior President, criticism of SU Exec. were less
VP (Battersea), and the University was still tolerated, with comment in BF infrequent
in Battersea Park Road. Rob agreed at the and censorship common. Martyn Denney
launch to do the second edition and I, being took over from Tony, followed by Roger
the Ents. Chairman, foolishly agreed to help. King, where three editions were produced for
It was Rob who named it Bare Facts; and it Students’ Union (legal advice and common Chris Greenwood [Humanities 70] and we the County Show; and now offset litho was
appeared each week from its faithful band sense), the mysterious and lovely Djinn achieved a working relationship, before the tried. As Surrey Grauniad and later Polemic
of helpers including myself, Phil Verity (who would sometimes do electric typing SG’s usual summer relapse. reappeared, BF reverted to its original role
[Elec. Eng. 71], Robin Bradbeer [Elec. Eng. if we were good), and Mr Paynter (for During this time BF was invaluable (well as a newsheet; a policy continued by Barbie,
perpetually] with illustrations by Whistling tolerance and good humour.) we gave it away free) in helping maintain Chris and Ian.
Walsall Fred (AR Pipes). The technology The original team was joined by Brian the sense of community as the building Why did we do it? Just for the fun
was crude, slow and unforgiving. All text ‘Brain’ Ellesmore [Elec. Eng. 69] for continued and the University rules and of producing something that informed,
had to be cut into ‘onion skin’ stencils graphics, humour, and moods; Rupert Glover arrangements were under constant change inflamed, entertained and irritated; when
using a ribbon-less typewriter; and the hand [Physics 71]; Murray Butcher [Maths 70] - causing more than a little friction between news existed we reported, where it didn’t
drawings scratched onto the same medium. and a disproportionate number of women for managers, academic staff, and students. we made it up. [We worked on BF unaware
Skins were then stretched over the drum of moral support. BF began its rise to fame with Throughout BF tried to help overcome these of the dangers of turning out like Maxwell
a Roneo ink-duplicating machine before the “Running Man” edition, and included difficulties; occasionally with success. or Murdoch.] By a Thursday midnight,
hand cranking to produce each sheet. No Rupe’s Poet’s Corner, Jim Smith’s Inside On Murray’s resignation Brian became tired and ink-stained, with 100’s of copies
one knew in which colour(s) the final Page and ace reporter (a gross distortion) Editor. Within 24 hours of the academically of drivel it seemed pointless. On a Friday
copy would appear owing to our technique Fil Verity’s “articles”. Unfortunately the justified purchase of a scanner by the morning with all copies gone, the sight of
of begging, borrowing, or “reallocating” Battersea end ‘collapsed’ and BF became a Physics department, we put it to proper use a laughing reader, and no invite from the
underused resources for the common good. wholly Guildford production. by scanning graphics onto the skins, and VC to the top floor of Senate House, the
We soon acquired a folding machine and BF Murray took over as Editor from Rob, even better, photographs. BF produced two world was .... only six days from the next
went from stapled foolscap to folded double and developed and refined the style - which live editions at the Guildford County deadline.
foolscap with inserts. including more frequent clashes with
Over the summer of 1968 about half the “authority”. Rupe’s poems caused more than
University, mainly Engineering, Physical one upset in the higher reaches of Senate
Chronology of editors [Edition numbers in brackets]
Sciences and Mathematics (the statistic of House; though Dr. D.M.A. Leggett, the Vice
Bob Mathews [1], Rob Thomasson [2-16], Murray Butcher [17-28], Brian Ellsmore
1200 men to 40 women students stays in Chancellor, was generally supportive of our
[29-31], Pete Bramwell [32], Robin Bradbeer [33-35 + 7 specials], Tony Allan [36-44],
my mind) moved to Stag Hill. With Wayne objectives, even if the means exasperated
Martyn Denney [45-57], Roger King [58-68 +1 special], Barbie Cockburn [69-80],
Barnacle [Chem Eng?] as the President, him.
Chris Peat [81-91], Ian Kaye [92-100+].
Janice was to produce the Battersea BF A major effort, for the first Guildford
The above was based on the history by Murray Butcher and Robin Bradbeer in edition
and Rob the same in Guildford. Five weeks Festival [director Rick Welton], saw a
100 (30 June 1971); a valedictory time for many of us. It is supplemented by my own rosy
into the autumn term our machinery was bumper edition, stuffed with a full festival
recollections up to issue 35 and conversations with some of us who are still alive, including
found and reassembled with the assistance programme and a wad of booking forms
Murray, Chris Chelu, Rupert Glover, and Brian Ellsmore. I have tried where possible to
of Steve Spill [Elec. Eng. 71] (they would (known forever as a Packet of Weltons).
identify the school and year of graduation. Apologies for errors.
not work for anyone else.) Production could With the University split between Battersea
now begin in earnest, in the Students’ Union and Guilford , BF was the only medium to © Phil Verity January 2003.
on floor 3 [?] of Senate House. A special give a complete rundown on the Students’ Since graduating Phil Verity has worked in engineering and management in commercial,
mention for the great support we received Union Presidential elections. Our arch rival aerospace and defence companies, hoping but without success that some biologist (he
from Maureen Stevens as Clerk to the the Surrey Grauniad reappeared, edited by married Ruth Warn [Human Biol. 71]) would perfect an anti-ageing potion.
10 RAG CONFERENCE 13 February 2003

THERE ARE MANY mad and crazy things that the building as the fire alarms went off, we
you are expected to do in the name of RAG, stood outside for 10 minutes shivering and
such as shaving off all your hair or selling watching seemingly every fire engine and
yourself as a slave to the highest bidder, firemen in the whole of Glasgow turn up
but perhaps the most insane has got to be for our false alarm – I was surprised that
visiting Glasgow in January! Glasgow is a Glasgow actually needed any firemen I’m
very very cold place in January…believe me sure fire freezes in Scotland. After watching
I know...let me explain… the fire engines reversing back down the
On an extremely cold January evening I steep hill the Union is on we went back into
and our intrepid RAG leader – Catherine the warm for the AGM.
Marshall arrived at the Scream Pub in Now I’ve attended a few AGMs in my
Glasgow for the start of the 2003 RAG time and this has got to be the shortest one
conference! We were greeted by shivering ever. No on had put forward any motions
volunteers in purple Strathclyde RAG tee – and so the only thing to discuss was who
shirts (Strathclyde Students’ Union being was going to host the conference next year
our hosts for the conference) and given our – Manchester put their hands up we all said
timetables for the weekend, which contained yes and that was the end of that. This caused
the vital ingredients for any rag conference: much rejoicing amongst the raggies who had
two days worth of seminars, one AGM, been attending conference for many years
10 Glaswegian pubs and to add a Scottish – as apparently every year someone brings
flavour one fancy dress party seasoned up the question of whether there should be a
with Braveheart! After having our names National RAG organisation and then an hour
ticked we made our way across the frozen or so of heated debate ensues and nothing is
wastelands of Glasgow to the ‘Eurohostel’, resolved. I myself rejoiced quietly about the
which would be our home for the next three closeness of Manchester to Surrey and its
nights! The Eurohostel was surprisingly relative warmth in comparison to Glasgow!
warm; in fact it was more than warm it was Next was dinner…. so we made for the
boiling! With the windows open (several
below outside) it was still stuffy, but even
the heat couldn’t quell our excitement at the
Freebies, alcohol and all Scream Pub for our “hot” buffet dinner. I
say “hot” because the only thing vaguely hot
about it were some heated up sausage rolls.

that RAG!
sleeping arrangements! Bunk beds!! This Cathy and me had to make an emergency
was going to be a good conference. stop at McDonalds before joining the pub
Day one: Saturday crawl.
After a brief introduction from our hosts The pub crawl consisted of 10 pubs – we
we settled down to our first day of seminars. all had maps, we all had RAG conference
Saturday was fairly disappointing as far as Following the success of last week’s RAG activities, tee-shirts with the names of the pubs printed
seminars were concerned; we both felt that
we didn’t learn anything new and none of
Zoe Kilb reports from the annual RAG confer- on the back – but did anyone actually make
it further than pub number 5? Was there
the speakers were especially inspiring.
However it was not a complete letdown.
ence and shows how these events come about anyone who actually made it past number
5 who can remember that they made it past
Running for most of the day there was a number 5? Pub crawls leave many things
‘Charity Fayre’ –a bit like Freshers Fayre, uncertain and many things better left unsaid.
only just with charities. Suffice to say that raggies are very friendly
This fayre was a bit of an eye-opener for us. people and they really like their beer, and
It was an opportunity to meet representatives their wine, and their spirits! Having a 11am
from charities, pick up information, to see if checkout the next day proved to be most
any of the charities are for your Rag and useful, and I doubt that many got up for their
what ways the charity could support you free continental breakfast served 7 –9.30am.
if you chose to help them. We discovered Clutching our heads we weakly smiled our
that many charities have a RAG officer; goodbyes and the Rag conference was over
someone whose job it is to liaise with for another year.
RAGs. That’s all they do! Fantastic! The The RAG conference is of course an annual
support these charities will give you return event – so if you join RAG and if you’re very
for fundraising for them is amazing! They groups of students the others being beer, – learning techniques that she no doubt put good we might just let you go on next years
will provide you with tee shirts, collection spiral fries and vending machines) and to very good use last Saturday! (The first one. So contact us! Get involved! If you
buckets, stickers and anything else to help then the Braveheart themed party began Surrey RAG collection in Guildford for two want to become our Star Collector, raising
you raise money, as well as giving you ideas complete with kilts, lots of blue face paint, years!). In the afternoon I attended a session thousands a year, jumping off cliffs every
and just godamnit a friendly face! Many a man dressed in a bin liner and two orange on managing RAG finances whilst Cathy weekend in a fundraising stylee, donating
organise events including skydiving, river balloons and lots of drunken revelry. went off to join a discussion group on ‘From your body to slavery just to raise some
rafting and treks to foreign lands, all the Day Two: Sunday Raggie to Worker’ – for people who are not money day in day out, week after week,
RAG has to do is get together the volunteers Day two began rather sluggishly as Raggies just content with sacrificing most of their month after month then we WANT to hear
and fundraise! prised themselves out of their toasty (and student life to raising money but now also from you! However if you just want to put
Suddenly all these possibilities and ideas we mean toasty) beds, stumbled out into the want to go and do it as a career! up a few posters, or look after the website,
for RAG were coming into our heads, we freezing cold and across town to level 6 of The last seminar of the day was given or just give us a couple of your ideas then
could think big, we could do it and there Strathclyde Students Union (its an 8 level by the UK Director of Marketing & we NEED to hear from you! All volunteers
were people paid to help us! Our heads Student Union! It was almost worth the cold Communications from Barnardos. This was are valued and appreciated! So come on,
swimming and our mouth babbling with just to see an 8 level SU!) for Day Two of a tres interesting talk – there was lots of become a raggie! To find out more, drop a
ideas we grabbed all the information and the Conference. information on how a large Charity such as note in our pigeon hole, or contact Charlotte
freebies that we could (including a tee- Day Two was an even more successful day. Barnardos operates – pretty inspiring, when Dawson in the Students’ Union who’ll put
shirt, sweets, and of course condoms!). The The speakers and seminars were much better you realize it all started off with just one you in touch with us or come and speak to
first day despite the uninspiring seminars and much more interesting. Whilst I learnt lone bearded man and his dream…………. us at one of our events!
was a success! The evening was a meal at how to blag stuff for free, Cathy learnt how At the end of the talk their was a comic
Wetherspoons (one of the staple food to run a street collection interlude as we were all evacuated from

Chancellors Cultural Challenge MaD Review

Thursday 20th February | 8.30pm Tuesday 18th February | 7pm
Chancellor’s Bar & Restaurant Main Union
£1 entry per person Admission Free
The festival is a time where we, the Students’ Union, can show the In a twist to the norm, Chancellor’s Challenge will After a successful debut at the festival last year,
test you on your knowledge of the arts scene, the review returns. The USSU Music and Drama
work already undertaken in arts and cultural activities. The Union has on and off the campus. With its regular picture Society present a show of sketches, songs,
around 70 societies, many of which provide entertainment regularly round, jackpot question and 6 other rounds, it improvisations and monologues. Performers
on campus and give students the chance to gain skills outside of an will provide a whole evening of entertainment are from the Wednesday afternoon drama
academic structure. We thank the University for their continued support and prizes. workshops, run by the society, who also produces
one musical a year. They shall also be presenting
and hope that this year’s festival is even more successful than the last. Student Pop Idol @ Sparkle a summer performance of the Shakespeare play,
Charlotte Dawson | students’ union Monday 17th February | 9pm ‘Twelfth night’. The night promises fun, laughter
Main Union and an insight into MaD students! Watch out
University Arts and Culture week this year runs from Sunday 16th to Sunday 23rd February. NUS or ACM cardholders only throughout the week on
Have you got what it takes? Can you face campus for MaD
This brochure marks the second annual collaboration between the Arts Office and the a panel of judges and a live audience? attacks. If you
Students’ Union. We have compiled an exciting and varied programme of arts events, Take part in the popular culture are interested
most of which are available to all members of the University the entire year round. event of the year. Sign up on the in getting
Ollie Parker | arts office night, or in advance at the Union involved,
reception. Prizes for the best… the drama
and the worst! workshops
meet every
This year, the lm festival ensures there will be more lms than ever before found Wednesday,

on campus in one week. All the lms shown are independent lms, which you will 2-5pm in the
not nd at the local cinema. Check out the student newspaper barefacts for more teaching block.
details as they are conrmed.
Screen Prints and Etchings | Lin Jammet choreographers, composers and performers at the
Tuesday 11th February - Thursday 27th February informal post-performance reception and let them
Lewis Elton Art Gallery know what you think.
Opening hours: 10am-5pm Mon-Fri | 2-5pm
weekends USSU Photosoc 1st Annual Exhibition
Lin Jammet was born in London in 1958, the son Tuesday 18th – Sunday 23rd (advanced previews
of Dame Elizabeth Frink, to whom the University Monday 16th)
gave an honorary doctorate in 1977. He was PATS foyer
educated in England and France and studied at Opening hours: 10am-5pm Mon-Fri, 2-5pm
Delbaran (2001) | dir: Abolfazl Jallili Chelsea School of Art from 1975-77. He has been weekends
Monday 17th February | Union Lower Bar | 7.30pm* showing at various galleries in England for the Photosoc is one of the most active and longest
14 year old Kaim works as the dogsbody at Khan’s, a run-down garage in the tiny Iranian town of last twelve years. The etchings are all printed on running societies of the Union. With their own
Delbaran close to the Afghan border. Having escaped the war on the other side of the border, hard Moulin du Gré, a soft French paper made from darkroom, they develop all their own prints and
work is nothing to Kaim, who happily mixes with the colourful assortment of truckers, merchants and cotton and linen (Lin in French) Lin lives and provide training workshops for anyone interested
opium smokers who frequent the garage. But he has to be on his guard when Mahadavi, the local works in Dorset and has just acquired his own in amateur photography. The exhibition will
patrol ofcer shows up, on the lookout for illegal Afghans who have crossed the border. etching press. feature works from many members of th
Ballroom Dancing Society | Taster session
The Bridge Project: Made in Surrey Wednesday 19th February | 7.45pm
By the South East Contemporary Dance Showcase University Hall
Christie Malry’s own Double Entry Wednesday 26th February | 7.30 pm Every fancied trying Ballroom dancing, but don’t
dir: Paul Tickell PATS Dance Studio want to sign up for a course? Join the society
Thursday 20th February | Union Lower Bar This annual regional Showcase has a new regular practice and learn a couple of moves. The
11.30pm direction, this time presenting new works from society has a large regular attendance at lessons
NUS and ACM cardholders only teams of young choreographers and composers on Wednesday and also has a competitive team.
In a special late night performance (with late working in the region. The successful teams Partners will be provided if needed!
bar), this independent has been seen as a participated in The Bridge Project, for which
prophetic, with its scenes of terrorism and rehearsal space and mentoring was provided by
governmental panic, to the world’s situation the University of Surrey Department of Dance
in the last two years. Nick Moran stars as the Studies. The Showcase gives these emergent
ultimate geek with a grudge, employing double- artists an opportunity to develop their creative
entry bookkeeping methods to wreak vengeance ideas and explorations and to present their
on society. The lm is preceded by a short nished works to a wider audience. Talk to the
production from the Oscar Film Unit, a student
society that makes and shows its own lms. They
have been challenged to make their rst lm of
2003 – can they do it in time? diary
Dr. Strangelove (1964) | dir: Stanley Kubrick Tuesday 11th - Thursday 27th Saturday 22nd
Friday 21st February | Grifths Theatre | 7.30pm* screen prints and etchings by lin jammet | lewis elton UniS choir & symphony orchestra | cathedral |
Producer/director Stanley Kubrick, brings us his gallery 7.30pm
brilliant black comedy. In the setting of Cold War Monday 17th Sunday 23rd
politics, an accidental, inadvertent nuclear attack delbaran | union lower bar (helyn rose) | 7.30pm y tu mamma tambien | main union | 8pm
is set in action. This lm received a total of four student pop idol | main union | 9pm
Academy Award nominations and is distinctive Tuesday 18th Other events in February:
due to Peter Sellers’ Oscar-nominated, masterful photosoc exhibition | PATS foyer (until sunday) | 10- Monday 24th
performances in three distinct roles. The lm is 5pm book circle (bel canto | ann patchett) | wates house
preceded by a short talk about aspects of the madsoc review | main union | 7pm | 5.30pm
lm. Wednesday 19th Wednesday 26th
lunchtime concert | studio one PATS | 1.10pm the bridge project | PATS dance studio | 7.30 pm
UniS big band | roots café bar | 8pm Forthcoming arts events in March:
Thursday 20th Sunday 2nd
Y Tu Mamma Tambien (2001) | dir: Alfonso Cuarón culture extravaganza | main union | all day live featuring big daddy moochin | main union |
Sunday 23rd February | Main Union | 8pm* chancellor’s challenge | chancellor’s bar | 8.30pm 7.30pm
Top quality road movie from Mexico. Featuring two dumb-cool adolescents and an intelligent, well christie malry’s own double entry | union lower bar | Sunday 9th
crafted journey of self discovery. Directed by Alfonso Cuarón, the lm is full of the joys of youth while 11.30pm alfredo perl in recital | studio one pats | 7.30pm
never losing site of the tragedy of mortality. It adds further to the renaissance of Latin American Friday 21st For more information, please contact either Charlotte
cinema and is thoughtful and affecting - and nearly always hugely entertaining. dr strangelove | griffiths theatre | 7.30pm ( or
a standing ovation the £50 vouchers are
from dave abbott up for grabs for an-
praising the lads and other week so write
lasses of the MadSoc “The Friary Centre” in
Fame production an e-mail and win...

Punch drunk stupid

You don’t expect much when you see
Adam Sandler (left) in the lead role of
a movie, but when teamed up with the
director of Magnolia and Boogie Nights,
you never can tell. Or so Rich Watts
originally thought

ADAM SANDLER IS not exactly known for For Punch Drunk Love is directed by none
his presence in films rated as excellent. other than one Paul Thomas Anderson,
Indeed, for the most part, his work generates creator of the wondrous Boogie Nights and
nothing more than the occasional laugh, Magnolia (the latter arguably the vehicle
a bit of slapstick, a fair take at the box- that drove Tom Cruise back to the big time).
office and a feeling of “well – that’s what In these films, Anderson holds together
I expected” as you leave the cinema. His large casts and certainly didn’t trouble
last film, Mr Deeds, is a prime example of the 90-minute, predictable yarns normally Above: Adam Sandler as Barry Eagen, pondering the fateful harmonium Picture:
this and, following on from Happy Gilmore, associated with his male lead. There were
Big Daddy, Little Nicky and The Water Boy, also the occasional, if not somewhat surreal
Punch Drunk Love originally sets out his moments on which the plot turned and consideration upon leaving the film behind. getting together that causes you to question
stall for artistic credibility. At least, that’s signified the convergence of the seemingly Not so, with Punch Drunk Love. instead of hope for their eventual union.
what to expect from the rest of the team unrelated plots (the toads in Magnolia, for The synopsis is fairly easy to pin down: a When the object of Sandler’s attention - a
around him. example), and such films deserved much simple man falls meets a simple woman and fairly straight colleague of one of his sisters
they go through the usual rituals of dating in - in a moment of lust says “I want to chew
order to secure their affection for each other. your face and suck out your eyes,” you are
This being Adam Sandler, though, means not exactly endeared the possibilities of their
that the male lead - one Barry Eagen - has relationship.
certain deficiencies of character that often The fact that it is all a rather disjointed
mean he acts a little irrationally sometimes. affair doesn’t help. Gone are the flowing
This may be due in part to his oppressive plot-lines and crossing paths of a Magnolia,
seven sisters, of whom there isn’t enough say; in its place lies a chaotic, illogical jaunt
in the film to warrant the pre-release focus, where, instead of reflecting the confusion
or it might just be because of Sandler’s apparent in the lead character, the viewer
requirement to always have to play the is left feeling somewhat stranded from the
goof-ball. Whichever way, it does lead to action. That the subplots of the air-miles and
the highlights of the film, such as Sandler’s the phone-sex line are never really followed
deconstruction work in a restaurant through to a satisfactory conclusion doesn’t
bathroom and the pleasing line: “Sometimes really help much, though on reflection they
I just don’t like myself;” pleasing, that is, for do help with the ultimate goal of getting the
the fact that Sandler is the one who says it. girl.
Aside from this story, though, there is not The cast, it would have to be said, do their
much else to it, something you wouldn’t best with what they are given; both Philip
really expect from Anderson and perhaps Seymour Hoffman and Luis Guzman,
a consequence of the fact Sandler is on regular faces in Anderson movies, deliver
screen for virtually the entirety of the film. good supporting roles as extortionist and co-
A subplot develops as a result of Sandler worker respectively and Emily Watson as
having called a phone-sex line nearer the love interest is both accommodating and
the start of the film, as well as his taking supportive of her admirers behaviour, whilst
advantage of a marketing mistake entitling at the same time not so straight as to make
opportunist consumers to thousands of free the scenario ridiculous.
air-miles should they buy lots of puddings, Paul Thomas Anderson, on the other hand,
but instead of contributing to the picture, as writer and director of Punch Drunk Love,
these plots seem only to distract from, what will have to prepare himself for something a
is in essence, a simple romantic-comedy little more substantial and complex if he is
affair. to court the sort of success he enjoyed with
This is perhaps the heart of the matter: his two previous features. Either that or find
that what is supposed to be a rom-com himself something a little more substantial,
is ultimately a film that makes only for both in terms of actor and plot, to fill
uncomfortable viewing. Aside from the under two hours if he insists on making
obvious vital ingredients (a boy and a girl) it another slighter film with a less rambling,
is the focus in the unlikeliness of their ever convergent story.
13 February 2003 FILM 13

Jolyon Hunter takes a look at the understated director who

gave us “The Last of the Mohicans” and, more recently “Ali.”
own destiny, and features a cracking 1995. This film teamed up Hollywood
supporting cast with a classic electronic heavyweights Robert De Niro and Al
score from Tangerine Dream. Mann’s Pacino. This film boasts one of the
next feature, “The Keep” (1983), was longest and most spectacular shootout
an adaptation of F. Paul Wilson’s novel scenes in movie history, but that’s just
about a mysterious force within a one of the picture’s good points – the
Nazi fortress, but it was a critical and screenplay, acting and action are all top
commercial flop. notch, and it received praise from critics
Mann’s next move was back into TV, (even if some called it overly long and a
MICHAEL MANN WAS born in Chicago, and he ended up overseeing hit 80s triumph of style over substance).
Illinois on February 5th 1943. Born show “Miami Vice”, the show which In 1999, Mann’s greatest success so
into a family of grocers, he did his made Don Johnson a household name… far came to the public’s attention in the
undergraduate degree in English but we shouldn’t hold that against him. form of “the Insider” starring Russell
Literature at the University of Mann also followed this up with another Crowe, and based on the true story of
Wisconsin, and became interested in TV series, “Crime Story” starring Dennis cigarette industry whistleblower Jeffrey
film after taking a film history course. Farina (Cousin Avi from “Snatch”). Wigand. The film told the emotional
This inspired him to attend the London .In that same year, 1986, Mann would truth of how this man’s damning
international Film School for his MA, also release his next theatrical feature information presented skilfully exposed
whilst also directing commercials and – the superb “Manhunter” based on the the tobacco industry’s web of lies. The
documentaries. Thomas Harris novel, and the precursor film garnered much critical acclaim for
After seven years in England, he to “Silence of the Lambs”. This menacing the Director and its main star, and picked
returned to the USA and began writing psychological thriller starred Brian Cox up three Academy Award nominations
for 70s TV shows such as “Starsky and as Hannibal Lecter. The following few for Best Picture, Best Screenplay and
Hutch” and “Vega$”. He directed his years were spent in television directing Best Director (it lost out to “American
first feature, a TV movie called “The “LA Takedown” (1989) and producing Beauty” on all three counts that year).
Jericho Mile” in 1979. For this movie, the Emmy-winning mini-series “Drug Mann’s most recent film was the Will
Mann won an Outstanding Directorial Wars: The Camarena Story” (1990). Smith vehicle “Ali” (2001); a biopic
Achievement award from the Directors In 1992, Mann returned to the big charting the life of heavyweight boxing
Guild of America. The film also won screen once more with “The Last of the champion Cassius Clay (aka Mohammed
an Emmy and received a theatrical Mohicans” starring Daniel Day-Lewis, Ali). The film was a moderate critical and
release outside of the US. Mann also Madeline Stowe and an appearance from commercial success. Mann is currently
co-scripted the story and this gritty yet Shropshire’s finest, Pete Postlethwaite. working in TV again and has contributed
Above: Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohi-
inspirational story starred Peter Strauss Day-Lewis’ performance was a typically to “Robbery Homicide Division”. cans and Will Smith in Ali.
as a convicted killer under life sentence, charismatic one, and Mann co-wrote the Michael Mann’s use of ambient music Pictures:
who is determined to become the world’s adaptation of James Fenimore Cooper’s is often a feature of his films – from
fastest runner and aims for a place on the novel, successfully managing to swing orchestral scores to electronic music. out as a contemporary great – of course
US Olympic team. between epic battle scenes and the This only adds to the effect of creating it is always important to find the correct
This was followed by his big-screen romance at the centre of this story. “likeable” criminals which he seems balance between style and substance,
debut, “Thief” in 1981. Starring James Mann returned to more familiar subject to do also. Of all characteristics it is but for the most part, Mann manages it
Caan, the film centres on a professional matter with his next movie, the 3-hour probably the visual flair that he brings to (there’s a bad joke in there somewhere, I
thief who believes he can control his long crime drama “Heat” in the screen which marks Michael Mann just can’t bring myself to think of it).

NO ACTORS, NO dialogue, and no plot opinions somewhat. minded. In its sequels, the filmmakers’
whatsoever have earned the feature- A certain esteemed friend of mine, for stance becomes increasingly evident:
length Koyaanisqatsi a formidable example, derides it at every opportunity however, it’s not entirely necessary to
reputation on the art-house scene, as "the most relentlessly tedious, buy into their philosophy in order to
where being obtuse and impenetrable is pretentious film I have ever endured in appreciate the films.
practically a survival mechanism. It’s the my life"; another, a good friend of the Philip Glass’ contribution cannot be
first instalment of a trilogy, along with first, thinks it utterly magnificent. For overlooked: the whole composition of
1986’s Powaqqatsi and the recently- my part, the first time I saw it, I hated the film is cemented and given cohesion
released final instalment, Naqoyqatsi. it: then again, I was freshly dumped and by his insistent, hypnotic score. The film
As such, being nothing – and I mean sitting awake at 3am on a Sunday in is edited around the music: with so much
nothing – more than an hour and a half Chelsea, too drunk to locate the remote of the film composed of long, lingering
of dramatic and frequently beautiful control. Viewing it again under slightly shots in altered time (either slow-motion
time-lapse photography set to the less pathetic circumstances, I enjoyed it or time-lapse), its unmistakable rhythm
hypnotic music of New York minimalist rather more. and drama is largely imparted by the over an unnamed city is one of my
composer Philip Glass, it tends to divide The picture’s freakish name is cycling, pulsing score. When combined favourite pieces of film by anyone, full

classic: Koyaanisqatsi apparently derived from the language

of the Hopi American Indian tribe,
with the visual editing and effects,
this can prove to be potent brain-food,
Probably no definitive evaluation of the
words: james dibley and is translated loosely as "Life out and it’s no coincidence that a great film can be made, since it effectively
of balance". Since the film gradually deal of the language of this film has abandons at a stroke all the traditional
shifts from its initial focus on splendid, been subsequently co-opted by other means by which we can judge a film’s
sweeping aerial photography of areas of designers. (As a footnote, Mr Glass has "effectiveness". However, the film
outstanding natural beauty (nameless also written the music for The Hours, the itself is truly unique, and offers what
American canyons, the Pacific Ocean, hotly tipped Oscar favourite). is nowadays an appropriately unusual
the Sahara, etc) to chaotic, troubled It’s true that plenty of people find opportunity: to simply sit and consider
scenes of urban and industrial life, the Koyaanisqatsi unrewarding, but as a the spectacle of modern life, and the
underlying political agenda is fairly properly provocative piece of art, the natural world we find so easy to forget.
evident. A significant part of the film’s film’s purpose is more to challenge us As a curio alone, it merits investigation:
cult following lies among those who and make us think than to entertain, as a work of art – one best viewed on
subscribe to this agenda, and it’s a fairly although it’s got many moments of sheer, equipment with a really good set of
regular presence at conventions and unaffected beauty: the scene where a speakers – it has the potential to repay
functions of the environmentally- massive, ghostly full moon rises your curiosity many times over.
16 MUSIC 13 February 2003


Perhaps taking the DIY ethic slightly too far, lone Scot
After recovering from the whole Colin McIntyre single-handedly wrote, performed,
Christmas/new year “thing” and having produced and designed the sleeve for this
fully settled back to life at university unapologetically optimistic-sounding preview of the
it is always nice to fulfil ones hunger forthcoming Us album. Repeated listening reveals
for the raw passion at live gigs. For a McIntyre’s keen songwriting flair, which has an
cool night out on Saturday, you might instrumentally rich arrangement to produce a
like to pop up to the Union Chapel in genuinely enjoyable single. eight | j.d.
London and catch Low performing. BORN TO TRY
You even have a choice of two the DELTA GOODREM
following Friday when Asian Dub Huh?..... What’s this!?!?...... ANOTHER
Foundation will thump out at the Neighbours-actress-turned-popstar?!?
Shepherds Bush Empire and over at BRILLIANT! And just when I thought the
the Brixton Academy you could catch charts were going down the toilet, here comes
some funky Lamb. If you can wait stupidly-named ‘Delta Goodrem’ to save the
until March there are some more great day (and music in general)! What can I say?
bands to spend hard earned cash to see. Best song EVERRRR! Really imaginative and
In the first week alone, Portishead’s ground-breaking, she really speaks to my heart
Beth Gibbons will be playing her new about all those years of tormented teenage love etc.
solo material at the Shepherds Bush But seriously, all you lazy students must have seen
Empire, Lemon Jelly will be playing her wailing away on Neighbours by now, so you don’t
the London Forum and Feeder will need me to tell you what this is like, personally it just
be playing at the Brixton Academy. makes me want to...zzz eleven! | d.h.
From the 8th, Red Hot Chilli Peppers THE RIGHT TIME | ALICE MARTINEAU | EPIC
have two dates at London Arena and To be totally honest this release from Alice
although this will officially be sold out, Martineau is simply sub-standard pop. A record
it will definitely be worth buying some couldn’t sound more desperate to get to number one even if it
tickets that might happen to be sold tried. Martineau grew up in a musical family with her uncle producing the
likes of Def Lappard, it’s a shame she didn’t learn anything. Don’t buy this,
outside the venue (Note – Barefacts
save your money and spend it on something worthwhile, like a pitcher down Roots or
and Jonathan Swarbrick in no way
anything! It’s gotta be better than this. one if you’re lucky. | s.b
approve of illegally purchasing tickets
for musical concerts). Jumping forward
to the 21st, Nelly will be performing at
Scouse pirates The Coral are waiting anxiously in the wings ready to jangle
the same venue which is very likely
eclectically once more. Currently out of action cos guitarist Lee Southall has
to be a very popular one. On the 13th
tendonitis The Coral probably won’t be about to plug this one until April time.
it may well be worth while to catch
The emphasis here has shifted to clever lyrics unfortunately the music seems to
Dirty Vegas who are performing at
plod and the result is a little disappointing lets hope it’s just a blip and not the
the Mean Fiddler in London. In the last
sound of sinking scouse pirates. six | a.r.
part of March you could find yourself TURN ON THE BRIGHT LIGHTS | INTERPOL
popping up to Brixton Academy three A bit old this one but most definitely worth a review. Interpol are two-parts
times with exciting visits from Turin British two-parts American and very popular proponents of New York cool.
Brakes, funky Jurassic 5 and pop- They combine early 80’s melancholy with infectious guitar strums and
rock Avril Lavigne. Happy gig-going. pent up vocals. Singer Paul Banks threatens to spontaneously combust
jonathan swarbrick on new single Obstacle 1 his delivery is 21st century Joy Division. The
best outro I’ve heard period, surfaces on the unique sounds of Say
Hello To The Angels – pigeonholing is futile, here’s the proof. There
are similarities to Joy Division but Turn on the Bright Lights offers
words by: al read | andrew malek intelligent, melodic, master of all trades rock ‘n’ roll for those in search
| simon robinson
of catharsis. Obstacle 2 is my favourite; the subtle guitar strokes and
anna wheeler | jonathan derzi
matty b | anthos chrysanthou deep, deep bass are a perfect foil for the demonic vocal. I’m off now
jonathan howell | terje tjervaag to scour the Internet for Interpol rarities - should be worth a mint. nine
| a.r.
if you are interested in writing for the music DAVID HOLMES | ISLAND
team, then come along to the cd hand-out in Having very recently had some quality releases, David Holmes has
the media centre on mondays at 5pm disappointed with his latest album. The soundtrack to Analyze That
is truly a soundtrack. Where they are normally a compilation of songs
UNREST featured on the film, this is different and features purely background
ERLEND OYE | SOURCE music made for the film. It certainly is not good personal CD player
Most people’s music taste grows older as they do, my music but the laid back electro-jazz sound will do well for classy dinner
Dad doesn’t understand the music I listen to and I don’t parties four | j.s.
his. Erlend Oye is in a difficult position. One part of ANOTHER LATE NIGHT
Kings of Convenience (a Norwegian folk duo) there KID LOCO | TREACLE MUSIC& AZULI RECORDS
music is a cross between Simon and Garfunkel Another Late Night formula is simple, take a musician who loves music and let
and Nick Drake, it doesn’t come more folky and them record a mix of their favourite stuff with past artists including, Zero 7 and
sixties than this. However, now on his own and Rae & Christian in the series. This album sees Kid Loco bring together his love of
a little bit older (although still very young) his deep down beat that’s atmospheric and experimental. The track Religion by Public Image
music has got younger and fresher. ‘Unrest’ Ltd is a story of beliefs spoken over moving beats makes this intriguing and effective.
is an electronic gem founded on keyboards Kid Loco himself gets in the act with the traditional cover of his all-time fav,
and the wishful melodies he used in kings of Paralysed originally recorded by Gang Of Four. The likes of The Herbaliser,
convenience. It is ten tracks recorded in ten The Underwolves and Aim are thrown in for good effect in an album of
different cities with ten different collaborators quality alternative chilled music. seven | m.b.
that takes the listener through cute beeps
and heartfelt sentiments. Subtle electro that
defies generations and I hate to say it, even
my Dad might like it. eight | s.r.
13 February 2003 MUSIC 17
WHIP IT ON percussionist, return with their fifth studio. defiantly onto something. From smooth and droning vocals kicks in. The following
THE RAVONETTES | COLUMBIA However, as lauded as they may have been Mediterranean beats to retro breaks, the final track is simply downright annoying.
They must put something in the water in the past, ADF seem to have reached a album takes you across house genres, Good single, shame about the b-sides. six
in Scandinavia as once again they have point where they just seem to be repeating bounding smoothly over perceived fences | t.t.
produced another great garage rock outfit. them selves. There’s only so much they can with a feeling of “hmm this is nice”.
First the Hives and the International do with their bunch of shouty, politically French house producers should watch out HOPE, PRAYERS AND BUBBLEGUM
Noise Conspiracy (the Sahara Hotnights agitated MC’s and their heavy, bhangra- as Fontana even throws in a Daft Punk esk BERKELEY | SUPREMO RECORDINGS
are debatable) and now the Ravonettes. breakbeat-rock sound. If you are already ‘Da Funk’ in the form of ‘All Nite Long’. Echoes of Seattle’s finest are to be found all
Comparison to the White Stripes are a fan, you are sure to disagree and will An album for the future? Well possibly, but over on this 10-song debut. Still, the three
inevitable as they are a rock n roll male and undoubtedly love the album but for me it’ll do for February. seven | j.h. members of Berkeley, barely out of their
female duo. However, I don’t think their it all just got a bit samey. Even a cameo teens, have managed to breed their own
relationship is as complex as Jack n Meg’s. from everyone’s favourite baldy oddball, RADIO impressively original variant of the grunge
One plays guitar the other drums, its that Sinead O’Conner, fails to change the mood PSYCHID | WILD thing. Hope, Prayers and Bubblegum is
simple. This is dirty, pants down, low for long. ADF still seem to have plenty to Psychid’s single Radio can best be a fine blend of raw live-feel sound and
slung rock n roll at its best. Its like having say about the failings of society but I cant described by comparing it to other English maturity coupled with strong compositions
sex with a dirty women, you feel violated help feeling, at the moment, is anyone still music, Eels perhaps being the first band and at times technical prowess; band leader
but somehow its strangely compelling!! listening? five | d.h. that springs to mind. The title track of this and guitarist Tommy McLaughlin, together
seven | s.r. three-track single is a decent radio-friendly with Eugene McGinty and Hugh Law,
MAN MUSIC TECHNOLOGY pop number, with interesting elements are not afraid of using whatever means
DANSE MACABRE STYLOPHONIC | PROLIFICA of relatively adventurous electric guitar necessary to achieve their goal where
THE FAINT | EMI Prolifica present their first album release sounds and synths. From there on it goes other bands have been too locked up in the
The eighties were odd time, better to have with a debut from Sefano ‘Stylophonic’ downhill though. The guitar on the second confinement of their genre to really shine.
missed it and look back and pick out the Fontana. Mixmag have already dubbed him track is reminiscent of Ralph Towner but Hereby recommended, keep an eye on the
best bits yourself I feel. Some of the music the ‘Italian Fatboy Slim’ and they’re rapidly deteriorates as the unimaginative concert listings for these guys, they would
at its best was appalling but some true definitely make for an incredible live act.
magic, same to with some of the fashion nine | t.t.
statements. So when making an album that
draws inspiration from this era its important REACHIN’
that you select from the good bits and that ALABAMA 3 | ONE LITTLE INDIAN
you can copy well. Problem is no one told Oh god, not again! Alabama 3. I knew it, I

the Faint this last point. They have the bloody knew it! As soon as I walked into
right idea, Gary Numan wrote some great the Barefacts office for the CD handout,
synth classics, but they have done it all I just KNEW I’d be the last one picked
wrong. There is too much synth and the and I’d end up with this! I’ve already had
voice sounds like a drunk gran at karaoke a good whinge about Larry Love and his
singing Gary Numan whilst drowning. Soft dodgy mix of country and dance music
Cells new single is better than this album, once this year. Look Mr Love, it doesn’t
and their single is awful. More electro shit matter how hard you try, YOU ARE NOT
than electro clash. two | s.r. AMERICAN!! So why do you put on that
stupid, deep south, in-breeder’s accent?!?!
THE STRANGEST THINGS You’re frikkin Glaswegian for goodness
LONGWAVE | HUMMER RECORDINGS sake!!! Admittedly this is a bit less irritating
‘The Strangest Things’ is Longwave’s than the 70-minute torture of the album
first album release in the UK, released but at the end of the day it’s just a bit crap.
through the small American label Hummer What more can I say? three | d.h.
Recordings. Longwave are New York’s
freshest export, many people may argue EACH FINGER HAS AN ATTITUDE
that they are a welcomed break from the GRAND POPO FOOTBALL CLUB | BMG
garage rocks scene that seems to have Just to clarify, the grand popo football
dominated the world of music over the club are not actually a football club (put it
past year. Longwave are a band heavily down to Gallic humour). What they are is
influenced by the 1990’s indie scene, a French duo that makes Daft Punk style
trying as hard as they can to put a cog in house music (yes another one). Each Finger
the works of all things new. This album Has An Attitude is a perfectly danceable
has similarities in style to Radiohead and slice of whimsical electro cheese from the
even an early-U2 which can’t be a bad forthcoming album ‘Shampoo Victims’,
thing at all. ‘The Strangest Thing’ would and it’s worth checking out if you think
have sold millions if released back in you’d enjoy the beat-locked sound of
1995, but still fits in with all things Gerard Houllier shrugging his shoulders on
2003. Stand out tracks include a Sunday afternoon. six| a.c.
‘Pool Song’ and ‘Day Sleeper’
both having a Sparklehorse THIS JOKE’S ON ME
quality to them. With the STABB | MUSIC FOR NATIONS
right backing this band Stabb are indie-punks from Sweden (is the
could go places, lets entire population of the country in a band?)
hope so! seven point and their new single This Jokes on Me is
three two | s.b. fairly accurately summed up by the title.
We’ve enjoyed a succession of talented
ENEMY OF THE ENEMY Swedish bands recently but this is not one
ASIAN DUB FOUNDATION | VIRGIN of them. Containing the kind of tune that
Hailed as one of the most innovative and Kurt Cobain might have effortlessly shat
refreshing acts to emerge from “multi- out when he was in fifth grade, this song
cultural” Britain over the past decade with is pop-punk by numbers. “I’m butt-ugly,
records such as the critically acclaimed so are you” the female Cobain wannabe
“Community Music” and “Rafi’s Revenge”, screams. Why don’t they just cover
Asian Dub Foundation, including two new ‘Lithium’? three | a.c.
MC’s, a new drummer and a new
he’s watching you
13 February 2003 THEATRE 19

The cast did famously well

Dave Abbott went to go and see the MadSoc
production of “Fame - the musical” and loved
every second of it
ANYONE WHO HAD the great pleasure of in their choice of material. It would be like
catching the Music and Drama Society’s the Union booking Britney Spears (and then
recent production may well have been left charging only normal FNO prices) or like
scratching their heads and wondering just Oscar Film Unit re-making The Godfather,
how they pulled it off, but can have been or maybe like barefacts bidding to serialise
left in little doubt as to why they did it. the next Harry Potter book before its
The hummable songs. The breathtaking release.
choreography. The naff costumes (including In the light of MaDSoc’s previous
those infamous leg-warmers). The oh-so- productions, however, there was never any
ironic post-modernism of having a bunch doubt of their success. The auditorium was
of Guildford’s finest aspiring musicians, filled to capacity (although not, sadly, with as
actors and dancers stage a musical about many students as might have been expected
a bunch of New York’s finest aspiring or hoped) and the audience left on a palpable
musicians, actors and dancers. This week, high - buoyed by the infectious energy of the
our very own MaDSoc stands proud like show, yet, at the same time, exhausted on
a great beacon of achievement in the
muddied waters of amateur dramatics,
the actors’ behalves at the sheer extravagant
ebullience of the performance. “It is impossible not to
having pulled off something of a production
coup. Indeed, it is vastly unfair to think
It could have all been so different - anyone
who has ever sat through an average
admire the sheer audac-
of the talented individuals showcased by amateur musical will know what I mean - ity of MadSoc in their
Fame: The Musical as amateurs at all, but and, in fact, the evening’s entertainment did
rather, as the best possible advertisement not start all that promisingly, with a lengthy choice of material.”
for the performing arts departments at this delay before curtain-up and an ominous
university. announcement to the effect that one of the
In the beginning, it must have seemed like parts would be played by an understudy. Eddie Elliott, playing the anti-authoritarian Above: the cast and crew of FAME rehearsing be-
a faintly ludicrous and certainly ambitious Yet such was the professionalism of this Tyrone, demonstrated a staggering fore the week of performances. photo: chris hunter
project - to stage a musical that is not only brave actress and the cast as a whole that, versatility as he rapped and writhed his way
very well known already, but one that is still in a straw poll during the interval, 90% of into the audience’s affections. Meanwhile, the actors, musicians and crew that deserve
running in the West End and on professional the audience had incorrectly assumed that as lovelorn Serena, Heather Andrews praise for their contributions; but in any
UK tour. It is impossible not to admire the she had not yet appeared. Wherever the delivered a truly astonishing performance, event, the times when Fame worked most
sheer, breathtaking audacity of the Society production wobbled slightly (the tuning her powerful, true voice and genuine effectively were in the exuberance of the big
of some of the solo instrumentalists was, personality enough to melt the stoniest of dance numbers and in the set-pieces (such
initially, rather suspect), the whole show hearts, on-stage and off. as the beautiful “magic trick” in which red,
bounced back tenfold to dazzle and delight Highest praise of all, however, must be glowing balls were seemingly tossed from
once more. reserved for Dan de Cruz, the director, who person to person, balanced, juggled and
Fame is essentially an ensemble piece has been a stalwart of MaDSoc productions multiplied, ultimately disappearing into thin
- there is no out-and-out starring role - but for several years now. Not only did he air). It was here that the attention to detail
several of the actors merit special mention. create a magnificent show but also bagged and the overwhelming talent of the whole
Danielle Barnes, as teacher Miss Sherman, for himself the fantastic part of funny- cast and the live band shone through as the
richly deserved the most enthusiastic round guy Jose Vegas, which he clearly enjoyed production’s greatest assets, inspiring in the
of applause of the entire evening for her immensely. audience the kind of blissful awe normally
elegant solo “These Are My Children”. Space prohibits me from including all of reserved by Hollywood.

theatre preview:
This is the word-crossing crossword office suite then her conversation moves onto stranger,
you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser words: rachael bemrose darker topics…
theatre editor In Green Forms Doris and Doreen face
Apologies once again for the strange positioning of the crossword this week and the pos-
sible impossibility of being able to read the clues. If it really is that bad, don’t strain your Life in the office pre-internet, computers and a dilemma. In the pre-computer days,
eyes and just put words in that will fit. David Brent is illustrated to wonderful comic systems, numbers and coloured forms were
effect in Alan Bennett’s hilarious Office everything. But surely the green form is not
Suite, which is showing at Guildford’s intended for Precepts and Invoices? Panic
Yvonne Arnaud theatre from Monday 17th rises as they realise they may have to contact
to Saturday 22nd February. head office at Newport Pagnell! A hilarious
Alan Bennett is one of Britain’s greatest satire on the tedium of office life evolves
contemporary writers with hit including into a poignant study of the life of a woman
‘Talking Heads’, ‘The madness of King for whom work has become a dangerous
George III’ and ‘Single Spies’. This obsession.
production features a double bill of one act Office Suite features a cast of six, headed
plays, both of which were originally shown by two popular and respected actors - Lesley
on television featuring Patricia Routledge, Joseph and Edward Hardwicke.
Prunella Scales and Pete Postlethwaite. Tickets are priced from £11 to £23.50,
In the first, A Visit from Miss Prothero, with student standbys available for £7, an
Arthur Dodsworth has retired and moved on hour before the performance. Box Office
to a new world of pottery classes, bowling open Mon to Sat 10am to 8pm – call 01483
and looking after the budgie. His peace 44 0000;
is disturbed when Miss Prothero calls by Performance times: Mon-Thurs 7.45pm;
unexpectedly to fill him in on what has Fri & Sat 8pm, with matinees at 2.30pm on
happened to the old firm in his absence. But Thurs and Sat.
20 INTERACTIVE 13 February 2003

Last Weeks Answer: I took this walking across the

train bridge leaving campus for Guildford town

This Weeks Clue: If I said that after taking this

This, dear reader, is a very special lyrics quiz for it has restored barefacts’ faith in its
photo, then turning it black and white there didn’t nearest, and indeed dearest, campanion - you, the reader. For you will remember many
seem to be much change… then I think you’ll get a plea asking people to write a lyrics quiz and, lo and behold, two people decided to
it! take us up on the offer. What’s more, this week’s contributor - Mr Oli Woodfield - is
currently away studying at the University of North Texas in the United States of America.
- funkyberry - So first of all a big hello to Oli over the other side of the pond and second of all a quick
kick up the backside to everyone else who thinks they could put something together:
2 2 type into the right place on a computer and all sorts of things are
possible, you know.

[1] Take time with a wounded hand, ‘cause it likes to heal

[2] I wanna be Bob Dylan
[3] Once upon a time you dressed so fine
[4] I was born in a cross-fire hurricane
[5] And I get so high I just can’t feel it
[6] I’m standing naked, smiling, I feel no disgrace
[7] I don’t have to sell my soul, he’s already in me
[8] Thats the sound of my tool, you say it ain’t cool, my mamma didn’t raise no
[9] Cut yourself on angel’s hair and baby’s breath
Who wants to be a millionaire? [10] Watching every motion, in my foolish lover’s game

well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down

£100: what is the official unit of currency in Japan?
a: ben | b: hen | c: yen | d: zen
I can’t seem to find the words
that’s because this is a word search

£200: which country was once ruled by tsars?

depending upon your definition of cool, watching
a: ireland | b: japan | c: russia | d: china
paint dry redefines the phrase “exciting pastime”
£300: which first name goes before Bull, Dory and o’Groats?
a: jim | b: jack | c: john | d: jane

£500: who co-wrote the song ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ with Bob Geldof?
a: david bowie| b: midge ure | c: phil collins | d: paul mccartney

£1k: of what is orange pekoe a variety?

a: dog | b: tea | c: apple | d: duck

£2k: which of these is a crisp salted biscuit?

a: garibaldi | b: ratafia | c: florentine | d: pretzel

£4k: Hans Holbein was the court painter to which monarch?

a: william iii | b: henry viii | c: elizabeth i | d: george iv

£8k: what nationality is the ballerina Alicia Markova?

a: french | b: russian | c: american | d: british

£16k: in which religion is the Aga Khan a leader?

a: buddhism | b: islam | c: hinduism | d: christianity

£32k: what does ‘pot pourri’ literally mean?

a: flower power | b: pleasant smell | c: rotten pot | d: clean air

£64k: ‘Zucchero’ is the Italian word for which food? Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in
a: courgettes | b: broccoli | c: flour | d: sugar a bout to decide the world quiz-host
heavyweight championship of the
£125k: what was ‘Che’ Guevara’s real first name? world. Who would win? Your thoughts,
a: ernesto | b: alfredo | c: edmundo | d: ricardo

£250k: which of these paper sizes is the smallest? Well - you all certainly get on very well with the crossword, don’t you?
a: atlas | b: foolscap | c: demy | d: medium The relationship you are exhibiting with the grids that appear above
every week are not too disimilar to that of a cat owner who gives their
£500k: on what would you see a ‘gnomon’? little furry feline pet the very best Sheba that money can buy, and none of
a: sundial | b: cliff face | c: yacht | d: tree this Whiskers nonsense. Anyway, congratulations to Roxanne who was
the winner of last week’s 8mile hoody. Also, a special mention to Mor-
£1m: what is the English name for the Jewish festival of Pesach? gan who I know is always very dilignet when it somes to the crossword.
a: new year | b: day of atonement | c: feast of tabernacles | d: passover Here’s hoping all the words are in this week.
If not, you know who to call:
13 February 2003 LIFESTYLE 21

Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give

a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings
L ife After The Womb
words: rich w

within Battersea Court Rawson…

WITH the imminent threat of biological war, OVER the Christmas period the residents Having just become the proud owner of a dvd player, I am currently on a bit of a film kick.
we in Rawson are doing our best to prepare. of Rawson 2 decided to cut letters out The whole idea of suspending my disbelief and letting the filmmaker get away with some
A quick survey of our kitchen has found an of coloured A4 paper to form the phrase of the most ridiculous things the human mind could ever conjure up appeals to me in a
arsenal of biological weapons that not even Happy Xmas Rawson 2 above our sink. sort of I’m-eight-years-old-and-can-pretend-this-saucepan-is-an-extra-terrestrial-spaceship
Saddam can match. These weapons haven’t Now, this looked pretty good, until the end sort of way. I’m there every step of the way as Arnie manages to create havoc in an
been created through highly secret research, of the festivities when the more imaginative enterprising, A-team sort of way in, well, all of his films; I’m cowering behind my pillow
or by major funding through Swiss bank amongst us decided it would be a bit of a as Brad Pitt holds a gun to John Doe’s head at the end of Se7en just before he shoots him;
accounts. These weapons are the product waste to throw away the letters after all that my palms are sweating as I wait to find out if Kevin Spacey really is the bad guy in The
of nothing more than neglect. Here’s what I effort. So, inevitably for student minds, we Usual Suspects (he is); I jump with joy as Harry finally gets his act together and kisses the
found today: set to work trying to find rude words within lovely Sally in, well, When Harry Met Sally; I am in shock when I find out Bruce Willis is
• Bottle of wine, 1⁄4 full, cork left off since the jumble of letters. The lack of vowels dead pretty much all the way through The Sixth Sense and that Edward Norton and Brad
last day of autumn term other than a and one o somewhat hampered Pitt are the same person in Fight Club. The only thing that doesn’t make me sweat with
• Bag of oranges, 2 left, one shrivelled and the attempts, and about the worst word we excitement is when I find out The Great Escape is nothing like an escape - more like The
orange, the other fluffy green, display until initially came up with was poxy (MS Word Good Try Chaps - Better Luck Next Time. Yep - I am well and truly a fan of film.
08oct2002 doesn’t seem to like that word – does it What I am not a fan of, however, is the write-ups and adjectives you often see on
• Bag of Hovis bread, end tied in knot, feels really exist?). Luckily, other housemates posters advertising new film releases. Call me picky, but I find it difficult to accept
like 2 slices left, rock hard, no display until were more successful, and we’ve spent words screaming out at me, often with sixty-seven stars or something under them, telling
date the past month washing up underneath the me a film is “fantastic,” “marvellous,” “exhilarating,” “breathtaking,” “incredible” etc.
• 1 tomato left on windowsill, slightly puffy slogan Sam has Porn! More often than not, these words aren’t even an accurate description of the film they
• 1 large gherkin left on windowsill, THIS past weekend I seem to have lost a are supposed to be describing, but that, dear reader, is what I am about to bring to your
starting to shrivel significant amount of my enthusiasm for attention. You see, the important word here is context. It’s all very well using just one
• Small lump of Double Gloucester, life after spending about 48 hours in bed word to sum up a film; indeed, it’s all very well using a well-known phrase (“the best film
covered in blue/green patches (or the toilet) with a very dodgy stomach of the year so far”) to sum up a film, but that one word or quote is nothing unless you put it
• And finally 3 bags of potatoes distributed after the Music Department Ball on Friday in context. As I am about to demonstrate.
around the kitchen. Display dates of night. After slight worries that it could have Below are a few examples of reviews of recent films; the word in italics is the one that
26nov02, 12oct02 and 08oct02 been alcohol induced (though I really didn’t was used on the poster and the sentence that follows it is that word in the context of the
I have catalogued each of these glorious drink that much) I was comforted, in some film critics opinion. I think you will agree it sheds some light on the link between the
discoveries just in case! weird way, when I found out that around 15 marketing of a film and its actual quality, whilst at the same time giving a nod in the
SOMETHING I’ve often wondered, and others from my course had also been struck direction of those whose work it is to shield us from the dire the world of Hollywood can
as I don’t drink I doubt I’ll ever really down by an identical affliction on the very produce.
understand it, is what’s so exciting about same day. One person commented that

trolleys when people are drunk? During going by the incestuous nature of the music
the day people just look at trolleys, put department it could be just a stomach bug,
kids in them, wheel around supermarkets, and all those who were ill could probably be
and dump them in rivers. But come the linked in some way – but even musos don’t
night and the humble trolley turns into get around that much… do they?
the most magical object of transportation. FINALLY... a tip on spending next to nothing
People climb in these fragile metallic in the Union – buy lollypops! Recently my
structures and then demand to be pushed, friend and I have discovered the cheapest
when quite obviously to anyone that isn’t nights out in the Union ever: don’t buy
drunk – It’ll all end in tears! Sadly most of rounds of drinks, buy rounds of lollies.
the time it doesn’t, and even if the trolley Never before have I spent under £1 on
hits something and throws the person out, a Union night out. We’ve been having marvellous: “Having had to sit through three and a half hours of this unengaging, self-
they are usually so drunk that they think competitions as to who can make theirs last righteous drivel, it was a marvellous feeling when the final credits started to roll and I
that is really funny… so they do it again!! the longest – I currently hold the record of could finally make my way from the cinema to the nearest bare where I hoped to be able to
In fact its probably a good thing I don’t an hour and half – anyone fancy challenging drink away all memories of the film I had just endured.”
drink, as I’d have to try this trolley riding to me to a contest?!
experience for myself ‘ickle sarah butterworth incredible: “What amazes me is that production companies still insist on pumping out this
chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter mushy, bland, tokenistic nonsense at this time of year in order to cash in on the obligation
felt by a man to appease his woman on what is supposed to be the most romantic,
spontaneous day of the year when it is, in fact, the greatest fear known to plague the male
specimen. Incredible.”

Upside-down answers wonderful: “The look on the lady sitting next to me as the male lead removed his prosthetic
With WWTBAM this week, or, to be more limb in order get a better purchase on his scratching requirements - the highlight of this
precise, with the questions in WWTBAM,
I actually typed out the wrong question
otherwise rubbish film - was wonderful: she looked like she’d just met her husband whilst
for the amount, so there should be one he was entertaining another woman.”
harder question when you wouldn’t really
expect it and one easier one when you
also don’t expect it. In much a similar the best film so far this year: “Given that it is only January and there hasn’t been any other
fashion, two of the answers might be the notable release worthy of reference, I can call this the best film of the year so far, safe in
wrong way around. Sorry about that. If
only I could remember which was which... the knowledge that it hasn’t a hope in hells chance of surpassing anything released from
WWTBAM:[£100: c]; [£200: c]; [£300: this day forth”
c]; [£500: b]; [£1k: b]; [£2k: d]; [£4k: b];
[£8k: d]; [£16k: b];
[£32k: c]; [£64k: d]; [£125k: a]; [£250k: a modern classic: “Taking into account what modernism has brought us these past few
b]; [£500k: a]; [£1m: d]. years - dotcom crashes, technology that progresses so quickly it soon makes itself obsolete
Lyrics quiz: [1] Stone Temple Pilots
– Creep [2] Counting Crows - Mr Jones and viagra - it would be no great crime to call this film a modern classic. The only
[3] Bob Dylan - Like a Rolling Stone [4] difference is that its impotence cannot be treated with one swift swallow of a handy little
Rolling Stones - Jumping Jack Flash [5]
Oasis - The Hindu Times [6] The Verve pill.”
- Lucky Man [7] The Stone Roses - I
Wanna Be Adored [8] 2 Pac – Changes [9]
Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box [10] Berlin
You see my point. Keep that word ‘context’ in mind and you’ll be fine whenever you visit
- Take My Breath Away the cinema henceforth. Happy viewing, dear reader.
22 LIFESTYLE 13 February 2003

because everyone has something they want to say to each other | submit online:
What’s this obsession with screwing and Have own harness and GSOH.........also Hey Sexy, Kinky here, keep the spirit of Button Moon, interesting use of a colander
shaving the table, Paul? monkey-ing experience and no fear or the hole alive, for it provides pleasure and the other night!!
heights : ) excitement to those in need.
Hot pickled onions.... Does that mean you 2lbs of bananas please! ...and a cheese
can cook them? Emma, could you fix the fridge please? pete, stop wanking on sandwiches sandwich!

Does having a sprained wrist mean that you Danger! Danger! Someone\’s been TP\’ing your just so tesco value! Use me, abuse me, oh hell just confuse me!
can’t drink? Yes, Ian, it does! from AP!
when someone says DON\’T COME IN, that Warning if you go out in London-there are
Adam: “Mine gets small when it goes in and Colin Rose - I do belive you are not funny!!! doesn\’t mean open the door many not end up in Gatwick!
then you can’t see it at all!”
Its never a good idea to match Mr Salty will is a geek I\’m dead sexy.....
Red bull gives Jay wiiiings! drink for drink, I\’m gonna get mullered. S
and E, finally you\’ve got together. Stuart Adam and Mark could NOT be more My breasts are sooooo much bigger than
come on you yellows! Norwich for the cup. trivial yours!
please call off the search for my trainers,
We only bloody won...again! Well done to the they\’ve now been found. will is a rich geek Dumping people by text may not be the way
footy girls! forward but it makes for a damn good story
hungover radio interviews are the way oi webbie! keep shakin that ass & make ur
House # 369 secter c2 block # 6 township foward. at least there\’s an excuse available momma proud! I\’m a pyscho...Gimme your number!
lahore pakistan punjab then.
hazel pulled a minger, hazel pulled a minger, saved from the chebychev by the stella. hazel
hello from malaysia! dont panick its raining In the land of the blind the one eyed man is la la la la, la la la la and tori!!!!
here too. buuurrdxxx king - even if he needs glasses.
any veins caught between the train tracks {As in Chebychev polynomials? Are you the
Hazell, Miss Lithuania and Ben Sherman seeing as girls weren\’t fighting over me at rhys?? fit mathematician girl that goes to the Union?
send their love-TOLWORTH STYLE!!! the human auction would anyone like to Please reply!}
send me a pity valentines card to the usual Attention!: The next No-Wave Conger
A day in bed? I should be composing... just address? practice will take place after next weeks No- If you\’re going to do something wrong, do it
have writers block, and thinkers block... sod Wave meeting in Waites House. Anyone who wrong properly!!
it.... I have workers Block... ps love you C... Tina. Sad very sad. Get a life. U can borrow can bring a copy of Avril Lavigne please do
you know who you are...Dusty mine if u like, since u seem 2 b obsessed with so. All Welcome - no previous experiance Knickerless nicholas....uve got balls like
it anyway. Now go away, please. :-) love ya required. raisins!!! ;@)
Miss KK...................Give us a smile darling! really :-/
HAPPY 21st.....Terry! ur a cheeky lil shit AD
Hey rude boy! Give me a year in this place whos the guy from civil engineering who
and il have way more status than you’ll ever snogged a nun last neek? hazels bird la la la, hazels bird la la la well done all on the rag raid at the weekend.
have! £1500 in total! (and who said the people of
Big bird! Mi amigo como estas? Estoy muy guildford were tight-arsed miseries?)
Bloke from hockey - leave our darling little i just wanted to say to ALL of u...THANK schliefened!!!
munckin know who you are! U for making these 4 months the best of my Punch-Drunk Love - intriguing experimental
From House 58 xxx life! love, miss u n hope u read this!1 beso To the girl i met in the parking lot that day: film and proof of Adam Sandler\’s acting
to all of u form madrid... i promise to come are you up for a latenight drinking sesh in a ability or a directorial visual wank-fest?
so u like dominatrix then evan? back soon! ;) ELE foreign time sometime???
the latter
BITCHIN! Rowland i\’ve noticed you around i find you Biochemist, Engineer and Nurse lick their
very attractive would you ... take me out in lips over potential fox hunting! Miss KK, give us a smile darling!
Now Will, you do know the difference your Ferrari.
between a monkey wrench and a woman That V.B.\’s dangerous shit!- especially when Benjamin Mack - nice hat u Muppet!
right? Wanted: a good time with one, possibly it\’s out of date
more, female first years. Looks not entirely personals do not have character limits -
Nice ass bombay !!!! important: experience essential. pete b wets the bed please refrain from txt speak. thanks.

14th february: just another day? words: victoria venning

Please let me assure you before you even begin to read on that you are not required to get out your violins and
play melancholic music; nor I hope will you be left feeling bitter, or on the other hand smug and self-satisfied.
Although I’d like to consider myself as a strong,
level-headed woman (who of course would
never be influenced by the media’s ramblings,
let alone believe that a shampoo will actually
leave my hair “kissable”, thereby making me
more attractive to the opposite sex....), I think
the facts of life that up until recently I had (rather tragically,
admittedly) started to fall under the spell of
those powerful people who control the images
and dialogue in adverts, TV programs, films
and magazines. I had begun to believe that
maybe being unattached was somehow slightly
inadequate Relationships of the cosy, romantic
kind are everywhere, advertising on our TV screens everything from a water filter to under-arm deodorant;
women’s magazines (I’ve been known to browse through the occasional stack of glossies..) advise us ‘How to get
a man in 3 months!’ and newly iconic stars such as SJP’s alter-ego Carrie Bradshaw have recently been quoted
as saying something along the lines of “you ain’t nobody until you’ve got somebody”. Even the amazing Bridget
Jones who in my opinion is otherwise almost faultless (yep I know she’s fictional, but still!) is constantly striving
to find herself a man and meet ‘Mr Right’. So - is it surprising that this concept it’s somehow ‘better,’ if you’re not
single, trickles down and enters our sub-conscious thoughts? I think not. If you don’t have a significant other this
year on the 14th of February, then you’re entitled to think of it as just another day, and remember it really is OK
to be single, there more than likely will be a ‘special’ someone out there for you again someday soon, so fear not!
And if you are one of those fortunate folks who have found that ‘spark’ with the right person, at the right time, in
the right place, then have a good one - I believe ‘you lot’ call it Valentine’s day.
13 February 2003 SPORT 23
This week at UniS squash off to a flying start
BY CHRISTOPHER PETCH his first team début. Woody is a determined
played, with speed around the court to match
exhibition of technical ability from both
Lee-on-Solent 2 LAST WEEK SAW the resumption of the even Adam and a determined attitude. This
players who refused to give up any points
UniSPORT Guildford 3 Squash teams challenge for the BUSA is a bit much to play against at fifth string
and delighted the Varsity crowd. At 2 games
Championship. With the team decimated and Tom showed no mercy to his opponent,
all Heather eventually got ahead and won
by courses finishing, the commencement cleaning him up in straight games inside
the last game 13 – 11 and the tie 3 – 2. The
of placements and injury, we were always 15mins with a clinical display of precision
IN A BOTTOM of the table clash UniSPORT end result though was good for UniSPORT
going to be up against it. Our opponents squash. Paul Chance was on next for UniS
Guildford got back to winning ways at the as they now leapfrogged both Lee-on-Solent
were considerably under-strength last time at second string. Paul took approx 8mins to
Varsity Centre and lifted themselves into 4th and UK Packaging in the league standings
we played, so we were all ready for a big destroy his opposition 27-0, (that’s 9/0, 9/0,
place. In a must win match and still without with only two games left of the season. The
game at the Varsity. First team call-ups were 9/0) with a display of shear aggression and
team no. 1 Paul Johnson who was just a last home match is next Tuesday 18th Feb at
put out to the club, with the second team hard hitting. He came off court just in time
spectator, UniSPORT showed great team the Varsity. For ticket information tel. Ext.
supplying two excellent players in Nabiel to point to the UniS captain Chris Petch to
spirit and win 3 – 2. Fiona Geaves was first 9242.
Hamid and Tom Wood. Nabiel played a tell him that now it was ‘his turn’. Chris
on court and showed her superiority over On Sunday Mick Biggs played in the British
very steady controlled game, pushing his promptly went on and won 27-0 as well,
Tina Rix winning 3 – 0. On the adjacent Nationals in Manchester but unfortunately
opponent, Norway, around the court with there were even rumours that he ran and put
court was local hero Mick Biggs, former lost 3 – 2 to Joel Hinds. Congratulations
great length and then pulling him forward some effort in, surely not? There was even
Surrey student and unbeaten so far this to Mick though on his progress from Elite
with precise drops. Not having it all his talk that he actually broke a sweat! So after
season in the National League. Unfortunately Sports Squad member to playing in the
way, however, and closing the match out all that worry of a close match, UniS Squash
Mick’s run came to an end as he lost 3 – 1 arena of some of the worlds best players.
in a hard fought four games. This led to won the top three strings for the loss of three
to Scott Fitzgerald. At 1 – 1 Steve Meads
Surrey being two matches up with three to points! And won the other two as well! UniS
played Bradley Ball on court no. 1 and Neil UNISPORT EVENTS play with as Adam Redmayne had already 5 Reading 0 – our next match is a top of the
Frankland played Ben Howell. Frankland
Valentines Dinner decimated his opponent at first string, using table clash away to LSE this week!
eventually won his match 3 – 2 after Howell
Friday 14th February | Varsity Bar his usual combination of power, light touch
had twice come back from a game down.
National League Squash and sheer speed. It should be pointed out
Meads’ match against Ball was a physical
Tuesday 18th February | Varsity Centre that Adam won his match for the loss of two
battle between two players desperate to
Latino Evening points only, very impressive at first-string
win and one in which I’m sure the referee Friday 21st February | Varsity Bar level. Tom Wood was up next for Surrey in
did not enjoy as both players consistently 6 Nations Rugby
challenged decisions and each others game. Throughout 02 & 03 | Varsity Bar
Eventually Meads got the upper hand a win Quiz Night
3 – 2 which confirmed the win on the night Monday 3rd March | Varsity Bar
for UniSPORT. The only match left was Red Nose Fun
Stacey Ross against Mark Heather. For Friday 14th | March Varsity Bar
anyone interested in squash this was a great

Slurrey Slingers win Brunel mini-beast

YES IT’S TRUE, the university’s very own the second day was looking more promising.
frisbee team has rustled up its very first So the scene was set for a Slurrey Blue vs
tournament victory. The weekend was split Slurrey Red match. Surrey Blue having
into two halves, the first a warm-up to the some of the stars of the first day showed and
nationals, the second day a mixed affair for tired legs meant that Surrey Red were the
second teams. Not making it to the nationals victors. This meant that Surrey Blue went
the first day was always going to be tough, into the plate final against STD 3 (Brunel),
and playing against some of the best teams whereas the Reds were in the final against
in the country was good for the soul. The STD 2. Two exceptionally close games
expected annihilation ensued, but running followed with Slurrey Blue winning the
UCL and Disc Doctors (Imperial) close kept plate final in sudden death. In the final
spirits high. Slurrey Red went behind three times before
Fielding two equal second teams, with a eventually coming out victorious 9-7.
scattering of the more experienced players,
24 13 February 2003

Surrey bouncing for joy after regional success
BUSA 2003 South Regional Trampoline
Championships last Sunday, 2nd February The day ran without a hitch (except for a
for the second year running. Hundreds of small incident in the morning when the
students from universities across the south keys were misplaced and nobody could
of England congregated at the sports centre get into the centre) and was enjoyed by all
to compete for a place in the BUSA finals participants and spectators. The trampoline
which will be held at Brunel university in club would like to thank all those involved in
March. the organisation and the smooth running of
Surrey enjoyed success with 4 competitors the Championships, particularly Sally Edie
qualifying easily for the finals: Myself from UniSport, John Davis for his patience
(Lara Wootton) and Emma James, who with the computers, the stage crew, St John’s
came 1st and 7th respectively in the Ambulance, Ian Wootton for the pictures
Novice competition, Emily Theobald who and all the trampoline squad members who
came 12th in the Intermediate Ladies and came to support the competitors and act as
Jo Harmer who was 3rd in the Advanced officials. I would personally like to thank
Ladies. We join Ben Brennan and John John H for making such an informative film
Horsman (Advanced Men) and Kirsten of the event and congratulate him on his
Lawton (Elite), who automatically qualified camera skills- class!
for the finals. Well done also to Emily Well done to all who competed, especially
Griffith who came =34th and Kate Park who those who qualified and good luck at
came =40th in the Novice competition. Brunel!!!

Sports writers and match reports

If you are interested in writing sports articles for barefacts or if you have a
Tignes action: on the slopes with sports story/match report, then please email our new sports editor, Ed-
dison Ruswa on
the ski and snowboard club
THE SUN IS shining, the snow is perfect and
pen in one hand, ice cold beer in the other,
I begin to reflect on the previous few days
Arrival into the resort was smooth, despite
running a flight option as well as three
coaches this year, everything went according
to plan, and we were met by a very “Bepe
from Eastenders” sounding rep.
After a quiet first night we were all eager
to get on the slopes. The snow was brilliant,
after poor conditions in a majority of resorts
last year it was a relief! After a hard days
skiing and boarding we felt it would be
only fair to reward ourselves with some
liquid refreshment and decided to take a
tour of the local bars…it would be nice
to give you more details on the evening’s
events however a shocking loss of memory
prevents me from doing so…however,
an abundance of video footage, yet to be
edited, will hopefully shed some light on the BY ZIAD SHUKRI
subject. Be afraid…be very afraid…
After a not so early rise we hit the slopes The week was extremely successful with
again this time with accompanying regards to the skiing and boarding and
headaches. What proceeded was a repetition despite an ability span from “arse, I am
of the cycle: ski/board followed by extensive going too fast how do I stop?!” to those that
social activity. wanted to get some “big air” in the snowpark
everyone managed to make the most of the
good conditions.
The nightlife on tour was to play host
to many humorous moments on the trip,
helped by the ever-flowing flavoured vodka
and extremely popular Galliano hot shots.
The theme nights proved to be as popular as
ever and we had the pleasure of seeing Andy
as a Caribbean Bon Jovi meets Tina Turner
lovechild. (Check out
union/sports/ski for all the pics, including
the one of Scouse with the seashell bikini!).