Running head: COUPLE INTERVIEW 1

Couple Interview

Justine Cordon

Notre Dame de Namur University

Identifying information
“Meghan” is a Caucasian, heterosexual female and is in her mid-twenties. She works in

the event planning industry as an event planner. “Kevin” is a Caucasian, heterosexual male and

is in his late-twenties. He works in construction management. The couple has been together for

almost a year.

History of the relationship

years apart, they did not socialize together nor had similar friends. However, they knew about

one another because their older siblings were in the same class and knew about each other’s

siblings and vice-versa. Coincidentally again, the couple went to the same university for their

undergraduate studies, but the same experience occurred where they did not come into contact.

Meghan decided to return home after a year and finished her studies at the local university.

As years went by, Meghan and Kevin finally and officially met a year ago at a bar.

Inside the crammed bar, the two came face-to-face and both asked about attending the same high

school. Shocking and happy to see a familiar face, Kevin offered to buy Meghan a drink as they

stepped aside to a less crowded area to talk about high school and how random it was to see each

other. They talked about always knowing about one another and why they never hung out or

went to the same parties. Meghan mentioned that they were in two different social worlds; he

was older and his friends were more popular so they were too cool to hang out with her friends

and her. Kevin laughed disagreeing and stated that he was not what she described and would

have hung out with her. Their reminiscing had to come to an end as Meghan had to leave to go

to another bar that her friend insisted on going to.

The couple quickly exchanged phone numbers in hopes of making plans to see each other

again. Meghan enthusiastically told her friend all the details about her and Kevin’s conversation
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at the bar and how they knew each other. As they arrived to the next bar, Meghan’s friend

encouraged her to text message Kevin to come to the bar they were at. Meghan was hesitant

because she did not want to appear needy and wanted him to text her first. Her friend convinced

her to not care and just have fun. After her friend convinced her to change her mind, Meghan

decided to text message Kevin and he arrived within minutes. Meghan grabbed Kevin’s hand

and pulled him towards the area where people were dancing. The two laughed while dancing to

a variety of songs from corny 90’s music to the latest music on the radio. Unfortunately, again,

the two were split as Kevin’s friends wanted to go home and he decided to leave with them.

As the fun and unexpected night came to an end, Meghan endured the waiting game with

Kevin. She eagerly checked her phone the next morning after waking up to see if Kevin had

texted her, but there was nothing. She frequently checked it more than usual throughout the day

in high hopes of hearing anything from him, either about being hung over from the night before

or how they had a good time together. Despite the previous night, Meghan vowed to herself that

she would not contact him because she feels the guy should be the one to contact first. The day

was coming to an end and she had zero communication with Kevin leaving her wondering if and

when he will contact her.

As she got ready for another busy Monday at work and did not check her phone as often,

Kevin texted her later that afternoon. When Meghan checked her phone at the end of the day,

she was shockingly surprised and happy to hear from him. She waited a few minutes to respond

because she did not want to appear anxious. She thought once she responded to him that the

waiting game would be over, but she was wrong. Meghan became frantic and annoyed with him

because he would take nearly two-to-three hours to respond to a simple text message, which

confused her leading her to contemplate if she should take a while to respond as well, but of
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course not nearly as long. While waiting between text messages, Meghan doubted the whole

situation assuming he was lame and not interested in her. Although Kevin may have taken

longer than a typical person who appeared interested in someone, he always managed to respond.

Despite the waiting games, Kevin initiated a proper date with Meghan. The couple was

comfortable with one another and did not have any awkward moments. At the end of the night,

the two agreed to see each other again.

Meghan was confident about how well their first date went, but was still not entirely

certain how she felt about Kevin and felt she needed to spend more time together. As they spent

more time together, her feelings and thoughts began to change as they started going on hikes,

attending concerts, and cooking dinner together. Meghan became certain that she wanted to keep

talking and seeing Kevin. Kevin did not formerly ask Meghan to be his girlfriend. They

nonchalantly agreed to be each other’s significant other while sitting on his couch watching a

movie and will be dating for a year at the end of July.

Communication Dynamics
Prior to the interview, I first asked Meghan if I can interview Kevin and her for a class

assignment and that we could do the interview while we are in Lake Tahoe for Tough Mudder. I

asked her through text messaging in which she replied, “Omgggg; hahaha; can’t wait.” I told her

that it would not be a therapy session, strictly positive types of questions just about their

relationship, such as how they met, and that their names would not be used in the paper that I

have to write. Meghan casually told Kevin that I would be interviewing them for a class during

the drive to Lake Tahoe. Kevin laughed asking me more questions about the class it was for and

replied, “Oh, geese.” I laughed and reassured him that it would not be anything awkward or
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serious and mainly positive questions about their relationship. Meghan also jokingly commented

to Kevin that he should start thinking of some good answers.

Before I suggested when to do the interview that weekend, Kevin jokingly mentioned

maybe having a few drinks (alcoholic beverages) before starting. Kevin is quieter and more

reserved than Meghan, so I thought the joke was his way of unconsciously communicating being

nervous and needing something to ease his nerves. I interviewed them at the end of the weekend

on the beach.

The two were lying next to each other on their stomachs in front of me with their arms

supporting them upright. The majority of their communication style was the same throughout

the interview, except towards the end. Meghan answered majority of the questions first while

Kevin smiled, complying with her answers by stating “yeah,” and sometimes adding one-to-two-

word responses. I began to theorize a few things about the couple: The rule of “women first;”

Meghan is the one in the relationship who has the leadership role; he was nervous talking with

someone he was not familiar and comfortable with; or he was easily satisfied and content with

her answers that he did not feel it was necessary to add anything more. The first question I asked

was about how they met. Kevin immediately turned his head smiling at Meghan awaiting a

response. Meghan answered that they met at a bar, sarcastically and humorously commenting,

“So romantic, we met at a bar.” As she answered, Kevin agreed, laughed to himself, looked

down for a few seconds then turned his head at Meghan again while keeping a smile. Meghan

met Sean’s glance turning her head to face his and they exchanged in laughter. The couple,

especially Kevin, unconsciously communicated feeling embarrassed about the way they met.

Meghan’s tone and comment towards how they met were defense mechanisms and
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unconsciously communicated that she feels it is not proper to meet someone at a bar for serious

and romantic purposes.

As I asked the second question of what attracts them to each other, Kevin engaged in the

similar behavior of smiling and glancing at Meghan and waiting for her response. Meghan

looked at me smiling while pondering at Kevin and humorously answered that it was his body.

Kevin pushed himself upright while laughing then turned his head to continue listening to

Meghan. Meghan controlled her laughter, looked at Kevin while smiling and said she needed to

take this more seriously then asked Kevin the question, in which he started replying. Meghan

sharing that she needs to take this more seriously and then resorting to asking Kevin what

attracted them to each other may have unconsciously communicated some discomfort since she

was the dominant one answering the questions thus far with Kevin casually complying and not

adding onto her responses. I also grasped the sense that she was possibly insecure about her

responses and wanted to hear what Kevin would share first. Also, asking Kevin the question was

potentially her control in getting him involved and more comfortable in the interview because

she did not want to be the only one talking for them. I replied to Meghan’s comment on taking

this more seriously by stating that it was okay to react and express her answers freely. I got the

impression that she felt the interview had to have a proper structure and they needed to present a

certain type of persona and “right” answers to the questions.

Throughout the interview, I observed that Meghan may be insecure as seen through her

defenses of humor, sarcasm, and repeating the second question to Kevin instead of continuing

with her response. She possibly manages it through being in control answering the questions

first and unconsciously controlling Kevin’s behavior, while Kevin is the more easy-going and

compliant one in their relationship. The couple’s dynamic and patterns are balanced through
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their opposite but compatible traits. Since Kevin seemed to be a more submissive type, Meghan

is able to project her insecurity onto Kevin by controlling him, either consciously or

unconsciously. Kevin’s communication style possibly unconsciously communicated that he was

easily pleased with anything that Meghan said and did not feel the need to extend on the answers.

The couple may have become attracted to each other based on previous relationship patterns, or

influenced by their parent relationships.

The couple’s communication style changed towards the middle-end of the interview,

primarily with Meghan shifting her eye contact from being on Kevin at the beginning, to making

eye contact with me or looking straight. Kevin maintained eye contact with Meghan majority of

the time, periodically turning his head away but always sustained focus on Meghan. The shift in

Meghan’s communication style displayed that the interview had resorted to being between her

and I since Kevin was not speaking as much as she was. Kevin did not change anything about

his communication style. As a result of this shift in communication, I sensed that perhaps this is

a similar communication pattern whenever something is bothering one of them, primarily

Meghan. Rather than openly sharing their feelings towards a situation, the couple addresses it by

engaging in immature and nonverbal behaviors such as a shift in body language and lack of

engagement with the other. As a result of this cycle, the situation is never resolved leaving a

lack in a healthy container to communicate and sort through any indifferent feelings. She was

also unconsciously communicating that perhaps Kevin was not interested in this interview so she

decided to turn all her attention towards me and wanted to see if Kevin would react by

participating more. While smiling, Meghan turned her head the opposite direction when thinking

of answers, instead of glancing at Kevin, and turned it back towards me while sharing her

responses.
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It was mentally stimulating observing Kevin’s abrupt change in communication from

witnessing the conversation between Meghan and me. Towards the middle-end of the interview,

Kevin became more attentive and engaged by volunteering his answers first that seemed

thoughtful. He looked more comfortable by responding with an answer then started laughing

and joking about it while looking and smiling at Meghan. Kevin witnessing the interview

becoming strictly between Meghan and I, the loss of eye contact from Meghan, and the surprise

change in his behavior, maybe unconsciously communicated feeling isolated and the need to start

talking.

Kevin may have reacted to the control of Meghan shifting the attention off him by

changing his behavior as a way to please her. Ironically, Kevin began talking more at the

question of each other’s positive traits. Excitedly and genuinely stating more traits than Meghan

may have been his way of getting back the lost eye contact and attention from her. Since

Meghan stopped looking at Kevin, he may have thought she was annoyed with him for not

speaking a lot and just agreeing to anything she was saying. His abrupt enthusiasm and

thoughtful answers possibly unconsciously communicated that he does care about their

relationship and is interested in this experience. Meghan looked straight and smiled at his

responses which may have reinforced her control through not only getting his engagement and

interaction, but well-thought answers.

Intriguingly, Meghan sustained eye contact with me or looked straight and periodically

smiled during the rest of the interview, despite Kevin’s efforts. Again, I attended to their

repeated communication pattern of ignoring the change in the situation and nonverbally

attempting to address the situation. I formulated that Meghan reacted by sustaining her change

in communication because she may have also felt guilty, embarrassed, or both about not listing
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as many positive traits about Kevin as well as a way to stay in control. Kevin kept looking at

Meghan while she talked and periodically alternated between looking away and turning his

attention back to Meghan. The two had different answers for the second to last question in

which they agreed to their responses and engaged in laughter with Kevin smiling and looking at

Meghan and Meghan looking forward smiling. Although Meghan elicited controlling behaviors,

and a change in communication style, she still showed engagement and care for Kevin through

smiling, laughing, and continuing to comment. Rather than speaking a lot, except towards the

end of the interview, Kevin’s repeated communication style may have unconsciously

communicated his nonverbal engagement and attentiveness by always smiling, laughing, and

looking at Meghan because he is not as social and outspoken as Meghan.

Countertransference
I was nervous when I first started the interview because I wanted to make sure I was

obtaining as much important information as I could to write a detailed paper. Overall, I found

myself not feeling completely comfortable due to the couple’s communication dynamic. I

wanted to personally ask Kevin the questions to help pull him into the conversation but I

refrained because I wanted to observe how they were going to handle the situation. I also wanted

to see if and when Kevin would naturally begin sharing responses because maybe he felt

uncomfortable being interviewed on their relationship, rather than discussing these types of

questions in a casual conversation. Before my feelings shifted at the fifth question, I felt some

awkwardness when discussing their strengths as a couple. Meghan responded saying, “Aren’t

they what most couples have?” I did not answer immediately because I wanted to see if Kevin

would reply; unfortunately he did not. I then answered that it is about their “OWN” strengths.

There was a pause following my statement but Meghan eventually began answering. My

countertransference began wondering about their relationship in terms of possibly not knowing
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about each other and how they are as a couple and how it was not possible to easily list their

strengths if they have been together for almost a year. I also started thinking that maybe they are

just settling to be with each other.

I was getting bothered by Kevin’s continuous compliance from question to question and

started wondering if the entire interview was going to be like this and if I would need to

intervene to get him involved. I became extremely excited to the point that I changed my body

language to sitting upright and eagerly grinned when Kevin volunteered his response first for the

fifth question. I even found myself shifting my eye contact to him because I anticipated what he

was going to say. The fifth question was about each other’s positive traits and his response was

too sweet and genuine. He smiled and looked at Meghan while answering the question and

seemed excited to focus solely on her and made sure to describe the absolute best traits of her.

He paused towards the end of his response to think of more traits but simply commented that she

is just a great girlfriend and it instantly changed my countertransference towards him.

Personal Reaction
It is challenging but enjoyable at the same time to interview/work with a couple. It can

be challenging in the sense of needing to attend to more than one person’s communication style

involving verbal and nonverbal communication and body language. I feel the need to not miss or

dismiss any content or communication because any little piece of information can be useful for

the couple. However, I am beginning to work on understanding that certain information will

become repeated patterns if I happen to not obtain it the first time it is presented. Along with all

those factors is also the obvious need of understanding the content the couple presents in therapy.

Understanding the content along with observing and recognizing repeated patterns of

communication can be a daunting experience because I want to ensure that I provide the best
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therapy for the couple to have them feel satisfied majority of the time because I am aware

patients are not always content during the therapy.

Another challenge is countertransference and I may at times find myself becoming biased

with one person and can alter the therapeutic triad and the outcome of their therapy. I need to

understand my reverie and reflect on the reasons behind my countertransference because it can

be a sign of something that may be occurring within the couple that needs to be openly

addressed. Regardless of the challenges, there is a positive aspect in working with couples by

having a double point-of-view regarding certain topics that arise opening more discussion and it

is rewarding to witness positive engagement between two people.

Based on my experience interviewing Meghan and Kevin, I came to realize that majority

of a couple’s interaction and communication is done nonverbally. I observed a substantial

amount of information on the dynamics of their relationship through their body language and

unconscious communication. There are subtle unconscious functions that each person possesses

and embodies in the relationship that become the structure of the couple. These unconscious

functions allow the therapist to gather information on the dynamics of the relationship and

potential reasons to their presenting content.