Math​ ​Experiences

Holden​ ​Lee

My​ ​Life,​ ​Before

When​ ​I​ ​was​ ​small​ ​I​ ​used​ ​to​ ​believe​ ​in​ ​mediocrity:​ ​we​ ​were​ ​an​ ​average​ ​family,​ ​and
tragedies​ ​were​ ​things​ ​that​ ​happened​ ​only​ ​to​ ​“other​ ​people”.
Then​ ​my​ ​father​ ​got​ ​cancer​ ​and​ ​his​ ​condition​ ​was​ ​diagnosed​ ​as​ ​terminal.
Despite​ ​this,​ ​he​ ​never​ ​lost​ ​his​ ​hope​ ​or​ ​his​ ​smile​ ​whenever​ ​he​ ​greeted​ ​me.​ ​I​ ​had
little​ ​doubt​ ​he​ ​would​ ​recover​ ​and​ ​we​ ​could​ ​go​ ​back​ ​to​ ​our​ ​regular​ ​but​ ​happy​ ​lives.
However,​ ​this​ ​did​ ​not​ ​happen,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​had​ ​to​ ​revise​ ​my​ ​outlook​ ​on​ ​life.
In​ ​the​ ​following​ ​months​ ​and​ ​years,​ ​I​ ​started​ ​to​ ​realize​ ​that​ ​I​ ​needed​ ​to​ ​take​ ​control
of​ ​my​ ​future.​ ​My​ ​father’s​ ​death​ ​taught​ ​me​ ​that​ ​I​ ​should​ ​not​ ​take​ ​anything​ ​for​ ​granted;​ ​the
only​ ​way​ ​to​ ​ensure​ ​success​ ​is​ ​to​ ​work​ ​hard​ ​at​ ​everything​ ​I​ ​try.​ ​Bounded​ ​by​ ​neither
constraints​ ​nor​ ​certainties,​ ​I​ ​could​ ​aim​ ​as​ ​high​ ​as​ ​I​ ​wanted.
Math​ ​had​ ​been​ ​my​ ​favorite​ ​school​ ​subject​ ​ever​ ​since​ ​I​ ​was​ ​small.​ ​My​ ​dad,​ ​a​ ​math
professor,​ ​occasionally​ ​taught​ ​me​ ​math​ ​at​ ​home,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​did​ ​not​ ​have​ ​his​ ​patience​ ​and​ ​was
more​ ​interested​ ​in​ ​dragging​ ​him​ ​off​ ​to​ ​play​ ​treasure​ ​hunt​ ​with​ ​me.
In​ ​7th​​ ​ ​grade​ ​I​ ​was​ ​placed​ ​in​ ​“Math​ ​Connections”​ ​class,​ ​which​ ​only​ ​reviewed
concepts​ ​I​ ​had​ ​long​ ​ago​ ​learned​ ​in​ ​elementary​ ​school.​ ​With​ ​my​ ​father​ ​no​ ​longer​ ​able​ ​to
help​ ​me​ ​learn,​ ​I​ ​knew​ ​I​ ​needed​ ​to​ ​put​ ​my​ ​own​ ​effort​ ​in,​ ​and​ ​worked​ ​only​ ​harder​ ​than
ever.​ ​I​ ​checked​ ​out​ ​algebra,​ ​geometry,​ ​and​ ​trigonometry​ ​textbooks​ ​from​ ​the​ ​library,​ ​and
put​ ​in​ ​many​ ​hours,​ ​day​ ​and​ ​night,​ ​poring​ ​over​ ​them.​ ​My​ ​mom​ ​and​ ​I​ ​hauled​ ​my​ ​dad’s
bookcase​ ​full​ ​of​ ​math​ ​books​ ​home,​ ​and​ ​when​ ​I​ ​finished​ ​the​ ​calculus​ ​book,​ ​I​ ​started​ ​on​ ​my
father’s​ ​library.​ ​Ironically,​ ​my​ ​father’s​ ​death​ ​motivated​ ​me​ ​more​ ​than​ ​he​ ​did​ ​when​ ​he​ ​was
alive,​ ​and​ ​my​ ​dissatisfaction​ ​with​ ​my​ ​school’s​ ​instruction​ ​only​ ​compelled​ ​me​ ​to​ ​learn
more.

I​ ​wish​ ​my​ ​story​ ​could​ ​be​ ​that​ ​simple.

I​ ​settled​ ​into​ ​being​ ​the​ ​“average”​ ​math​ ​nerd:​ ​one​ ​of​ ​the​ ​best​ ​in​ ​my​ ​class,​ ​I
occasionally​ ​read​ ​textbooks,​ ​and​ ​knew​ ​little​ ​more​ ​than​ ​the​ ​facts​ ​I​ ​learned​ ​from​ ​them.​ ​I
still​ ​reserved​ ​time​ ​for​ ​fun​ ​activities,​ ​such​ ​as​ ​playing​ ​computer​ ​games.

Competition

I​ ​received​ ​my​ ​first​ ​exposure​ ​to​ ​math​ ​competitions​ ​in​ ​10​th​​ ​grade.
When​ ​I​ ​participated​ ​in​ ​my​ ​first​ ​math​ ​competition,​ ​I​ ​was​ ​confident​ ​I​ ​would​ ​do
well.​ ​Instead​ ​I​ ​received​ ​a​ ​score​ ​of​ ​66.​ ​I​ ​cried​ ​the​ ​evening​ ​after​ ​the​ ​exam​ ​and​ ​listened​ ​to
my​ ​mom​ ​tell​ ​me​ ​that​ ​winning​ ​was​ ​not​ ​all​ ​that​ ​mattered,​ ​something​ ​I​ ​would​ ​hear​ ​again
and​ ​again​ ​over​ ​the​ ​next​ ​years.
In​ ​mid-10​th​​ ​grade​ ​I​ ​learned​ ​about​ ​the​ ​American​ ​Mathematics​ ​Competitions​ ​online.
“Make​ ​Mathematical​ ​History!”​ ​proclaimed​ ​the​ ​banner​ ​on​ ​the​ ​main​ ​site.​ ​Drawn​ ​in,​ ​I
looked​ ​up​ ​information​ ​on​ ​the​ ​Mathematical​ ​Olympiad​ ​Summer​ ​Program​ ​and​ ​the

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International​ ​Mathematical​ ​Olympiad.​ ​I​ ​made​ ​it​ ​my​ ​goal​ ​over​ ​the​ ​next​ ​two​ ​and​ ​a​ ​half
years​ ​to​ ​win​ ​the​ ​USAMO.

Work

I​ ​started​ ​to​ ​work​ ​on​ ​math​ ​problems​ ​every​ ​day.​ ​I​ ​first​ ​studied​ ​and​ ​worked​ ​on
Problem​ ​Solving​ ​Strategies​​ ​by​ ​Arthur​ ​Engel,​ ​and​ ​later​ ​the​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​segments​ ​for
2006-2007.​ ​In​ ​11​th​​ ​grade,​ ​motivated​ ​by​ ​my​ ​desire​ ​to​ ​get​ ​better​ ​scores​ ​on​ ​math​ ​contests,​ ​I
enrolled​ ​in​ ​the​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​Year-Round​ ​Program.​ ​Every​ ​month​ ​I​ ​received​ ​a​ ​packet
with​ ​math​ ​lessons​ ​and​ ​challenging​ ​problems​ ​to​ ​work​ ​on​ ​and​ ​submit​ ​solutions​ ​for
feedback.
At​ ​first,​ ​I​ ​had​ ​to​ ​force​ ​myself​ ​to​ ​sit​ ​down​ ​and​ ​work​ ​on​ ​problems.​ ​Problem-solving
frustrated​ ​me—I​ ​often​ ​worked​ ​for​ ​an​ ​hour​ ​on​ ​a​ ​problem​ ​only​ ​to​ ​find​ ​it​ ​had​ ​a​ ​simple
solution.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​ran​ ​out​ ​of​ ​ideas,​ ​I​ ​could​ ​barely​ ​keep​ ​my​ ​eyes​ ​open.
However,​ ​after​ ​continuing​ ​for​ ​several​ ​months—doing​ ​math​ ​for​ ​several​ ​hours​ ​each
day—it​ ​grew​ ​into​ ​a​ ​pattern,​ ​a​ ​habit.​ ​Not​ ​only​ ​did​ ​it​ ​become​ ​easy,​ ​it​ ​also​ ​became
enjoyable.​ ​My​ ​passion​ ​for​ ​mathematics​ ​grew​ ​out​ ​of​ ​those​ ​long​ ​sessions​ ​of​ ​work.
AwesomeMath​ ​was​ ​something​ ​I​ ​set​ ​aside​ ​time​ ​for​ ​every​ ​day,​ ​even​ ​despite​ ​all​ ​my
homework​ ​from​ ​AP​ ​courses.​ ​I​ ​fit​ ​it​ ​in​ ​my​ ​free​ ​period​ ​at​ ​school​ ​and​ ​continued​ ​to​ ​think
about​ ​the​ ​problems​ ​whenever​ ​possible,​ ​such​ ​as​ ​when​ ​I​ ​was​ ​riding​ ​my​ ​bus​ ​home.​ ​To​ ​me,
what​ ​is​ ​more​ ​important​ ​than​ ​the​ ​advanced​ ​and​ ​fascinating​ ​techniques​ ​and​ ​theorems​ ​it
taught​ ​me​ ​is​ ​how​ ​it​ ​has​ ​taught​ ​me​ ​to​ ​struggle​ ​with​ ​problems,​ ​to​ ​persist​ ​despite​ ​many​ ​dead
ends​ ​and​ ​false​ ​leads.​ ​Though​ ​I​ ​often​ ​got​ ​stuck​ ​on​ ​a​ ​problem,​ ​with​ ​little​ ​more​ ​than​ ​an
equation​ ​or​ ​a​ ​diagram,​ ​all​ ​the​ ​time​ ​I​ ​spent​ ​with​ ​this​ ​program​ ​has​ ​been​ ​invaluable​ ​to​ ​me,
giving​ ​me​ ​beautiful​ ​solutions​ ​and​ ​teaching​ ​me​ ​perseverance.

In​ ​fall​ ​2007,​ ​I​ ​restarted​ ​the​ ​math​ ​club​ ​at​ ​our​ ​school,​ ​and​ ​asked​ ​our​ ​teacher​ ​to​ ​sign
up​ ​for​ ​the​ ​American​ ​Mathematics​ ​Competitions.​ ​I​ ​worked​ ​daily​ ​first​ ​on​ ​AMC,​ ​then
AIME,​ ​and​ ​finally​ ​Olympiad​ ​problems.
That​ ​year​ ​I​ ​aimed​ ​to​ ​make​ ​the​ ​Math​ ​Olympiad​ ​Program.​ ​Once​ ​I​ ​got​ ​in,​ ​I​ ​thought,
my​ ​future​ ​as​ ​an​ ​Olympiad​ ​winner​ ​would​ ​be​ ​sealed,​ ​provided​ ​that​ ​I​ ​continue​ ​my​ ​hard
work.​ ​I​ ​could​ ​associate​ ​myself​ ​with​ ​some​ ​of​ ​the​ ​smartest​ ​math​ ​students​ ​in​ ​the​ ​nation.​ ​The
many​ ​tutors​ ​would​ ​lavish​ ​their​ ​resources​ ​on​ ​these​ ​few​ ​students​ ​to​ ​ensure​ ​that​ ​they​ ​would
continue​ ​to​ ​win​ ​math​ ​competitions.​ ​I​ ​viewed​ ​it​ ​as​ ​my​ ​greatest​ ​hope​ ​to​ ​achieve​ ​my
ultimate​ ​goal.
After​ ​I​ ​received​ ​my​ ​USAMO​ ​score​ ​(less​ ​than​ ​14)​ ​I​ ​fell​ ​into​ ​a​ ​deep​ ​depression.
After​ ​an​ ​initial​ ​lack​ ​of​ ​motivation​ ​(i.e.​ ​spending​ ​several​ ​days​ ​unproductively​ ​playing
computer​ ​games),​ ​I​ ​contented​ ​myself​ ​with​ ​going​ ​to​ ​the​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​Summer​ ​Program
and​ ​soon​ ​restarted​ ​my​ ​training​ ​with​ ​greater​ ​vigor.

What​ ​kept​ ​me​ ​going​ ​the​ ​next​ ​year​ ​was​ ​the​ ​fact​ ​that​ ​my​ ​last​ ​USAMO​ ​had​ ​not
passed​ ​yet,​ ​that​ ​I​ ​still​ ​had​ ​time​ ​to​ ​train.​ ​I​ ​continued​ ​because​ ​I​ ​convinced​ ​myself​ ​that​ ​I
could​ ​win.​ ​The​ ​alternative—all​ ​my​ ​work​ ​for​ ​nothing—​ ​was​ ​simply​ ​too​ ​horrible​ ​to
imagine.

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 I​ ​learned​ ​not​ ​to​ ​waste​ ​time.​ ​I​ ​abstained​ ​from​ ​playing​ ​computer​ ​games​ ​or​ ​even
reading​ ​(non-math​ ​books)​ ​for​ ​enjoyment​ ​for​ ​the​ ​whole​ ​year.​ ​Every​ ​minute​ ​I​ ​wasted​ ​was​ ​a
minute​ ​I​ ​could​ ​be​ ​working​ ​on​ ​a​ ​math​ ​problem.​ ​I​ ​stopped​ ​playing​ ​cards​ ​with​ ​my
classmates,​ ​instead​ ​working​ ​on​ ​IMO​ ​Shortlist​ ​problems​ ​while​ ​they​ ​chatted.​ ​Their​ ​noise
drove​ ​me​ ​nuts.​ ​Why​ ​couldn’t​ ​they​ ​find​ ​something​ ​to​ ​work​ ​on​ ​as​ ​well?​ ​I​ ​put​ ​a​ ​pretense​ ​of
interest​ ​in​ ​extracurricular​ ​activities​ ​I​ ​was​ ​obliged​ ​to​ ​participate​ ​in.​ ​I​ ​limited​ ​Internet
usage,​ ​going​ ​online​ ​only​ ​to​ ​check​ ​messages.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​got​ ​home​ ​from​ ​school,​ ​I
immediately​ ​started​ ​working​ ​on​ ​homework,​ ​looking​ ​forward​ ​to​ ​squeezing​ ​as​ ​much​ ​time
in​ ​for​ ​Olympiad​ ​problems​ ​as​ ​possible.​ ​All​ ​the​ ​math​ ​I​ ​did​ ​outside​ ​of​ ​school​ ​I​ ​made​ ​sure
was​ ​math-competition​ ​related—I​ ​had​ ​little​ ​time​ ​for​ ​anything​ ​else,​ ​even​ ​though​ ​there​ ​were
other​ ​math​ ​topics​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​focus​ ​on.​ ​My​ ​focus​ ​came​ ​at​ ​a​ ​cost:​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​actively​ ​seek
out​ ​a​ ​mentor​ ​senior​ ​year,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​missed​ ​a​ ​golden​ ​opportunity​ ​to​ ​work​ ​on​ ​a​ ​math​ ​research
project.
In​ ​a​ ​typical​ ​week​ ​I​ ​reserved​ ​3​ ​hours​ ​for​ ​DDR​ ​breaks,​ ​and​ ​1​ ​hour​ ​every​ ​2-3​ ​weeks
to​ ​call​ ​my​ ​cousin.​ ​The​ ​rest​ ​of​ ​my​ ​free​ ​time​ ​I​ ​devoted​ ​to​ ​Olympiad​ ​practice.​ ​Often​ ​I
finished​ ​my​ ​homework​ ​in​ ​class​ ​and​ ​immediately​ ​launched​ ​into​ ​doing​ ​math​ ​problems;
when​ ​I​ ​got​ ​home​ ​I​ ​would​ ​continue​ ​until​ ​bedtime.​ ​Every​ ​Friday​ ​I​ ​would​ ​nicely​ ​write​ ​up
the​ ​proofs​ ​for​ ​the​ ​problems​ ​I​ ​solved​ ​during​ ​the​ ​week.​ ​In​ ​total,​ ​my​ ​work​ ​over​ ​the​ ​past​ ​two
and​ ​a​ ​half​ ​years​ ​occupied​ ​20​ ​notebooks,​ ​not​ ​including​ ​mounds​ ​of​ ​scratch​ ​work.
I​ ​dreaded​ ​the​ ​approach​ ​of​ ​that​ ​day,​ ​April​ ​28,​ ​that​ ​would​ ​seal​ ​my​ ​fate.​ ​It​ ​seemed
like​ ​doomsday.​ ​I​ ​needed​ ​time​ ​to​ ​train.​ ​So​ ​many​ ​ISL​ ​problems​ ​undone!​ ​Nervousness
consumed​ ​me—sometimes​ ​I​ ​grew​ ​so​ ​worried​ ​about​ ​doing​ ​problems​ ​quickly​ ​that​ ​it
seemed​ ​like​ ​I​ ​had​ ​fallen​ ​into​ ​a​ ​state​ ​of​ ​permanent​ ​hyperventilation.​ ​I​ ​felt​ ​like​ ​I​ ​was
sliding​ ​into​ ​insanity,​ ​that​ ​I​ ​had​ ​barreled​ ​right​ ​past​ ​reasonable​ ​limits,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​was​ ​going​ ​so
fast​ ​that​ ​the​ ​effects​ ​did​ ​not​ ​have​ ​time​ ​to​ ​reach​ ​me.​ ​I​ ​was​ ​becoming​ ​a​ ​nervous​ ​wreck.​ ​My
determination​ ​sustained​ ​me,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​promised​ ​myself​ ​relaxation​ ​and​ ​entertainment​ ​after
MOP​ ​or​ ​IMO​ ​to​ ​restore​ ​my​ ​health.
Why​ ​didn’t​ ​I​ ​take​ ​breaks​ ​more?​ ​Many​ ​problems​ ​cracked​ ​because​​ ​I​ ​refused​ ​to​ ​take
a​ ​break,​ ​because​ ​I​ ​kept​ ​on​ ​working​ ​on​ ​them​ ​to​ ​midnight.​ ​I​ ​wouldn’t​ ​have​ ​had​ ​a​ ​chance​​ ​of
winning​ ​USAMO​ ​if​ ​I​ ​had​ ​not​ ​worked​ ​so​ ​obsessively​ ​on​ ​math.​ ​I​ ​never​ ​showed​ ​any
outward​ ​sign​ ​that​ ​I​ ​was​ ​so​ ​intensely​ ​focused​ ​on​ ​the​ ​USAMO;​ ​no​ ​one​ ​understood…
So​ ​if​ ​it​ ​took​ ​me​ ​so​ ​much​ ​work​ ​to​ ​do​ ​this​ ​well,​ ​why​ ​didn’t​ ​I​ ​just​ ​give​ ​up,​ ​and
accept​ ​that​ ​USAMO​ ​is​ ​out​ ​of​ ​my​ ​league?​ ​Because​ ​this​ ​is​ ​exactly​ ​the​ ​attitude​ ​that​ ​I​ ​cannot
abide,​ ​that​ ​makes​ ​me​ ​mad.​ ​I​ ​utterly​ ​refuse​ ​to​ ​be​ ​told​ ​what​ ​I​ ​cannot​​ ​do!​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​show
that​ ​I​ ​could​ ​win​ ​USAMO​ ​in​ ​12​th​​ ​grade,​ ​even​ ​without​ ​the​ ​benefit​ ​of​ ​MOP​ ​training.​ ​I
willed​ ​myself​ ​to​ ​prove,​ ​that​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​is​ ​the​ ​most​ ​important​ ​catalyst​ ​of​ ​success,​ ​that​ ​it
triumphs​ ​over​ ​pure​ ​talent!
My​ ​anxiety​ ​was​ ​a​ ​side​ ​effect.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​continued​ ​to​ ​progress;​ ​more​ ​ISL​ ​problems
were​ ​finished​ ​every​ ​week.​ ​I​ ​moved​ ​on​ ​to​ ​the​ ​hardest​ ​ones.
I​ ​knew​ ​I​ ​needed​ ​to​ ​practice​ ​under​ ​time​ ​pressure,​ ​my​ ​biggest​ ​weakness.​ ​So,​ ​while​ ​I
devoted​ ​the​ ​rest​ ​of​ ​the​ ​week​ ​to​ ​practicing​ ​problems​ ​freely,​ ​I​ ​made​ ​sure​ ​to​ ​do​ ​at​ ​least​ ​one
day,​ ​often​ ​two​ ​days,​ ​of​ ​an​ ​Olympiad​ ​every​ ​week​ ​daily​ ​or​ ​every​ ​other​ ​day​ ​during​ ​winter
and​ ​spring​ ​break.​ ​I​ ​worked​ ​on​ ​all​ ​the​ ​USAMOs​ ​since​ ​1989​ ​in​ ​11​th​​ ​grade,​ ​eventually
finishing​ ​most​ ​of​ ​the​ ​problems.​ ​In​ ​12​th​​ ​grade​ ​I​ ​did​ ​all​ ​of​ ​the​ ​TSTs​ ​(all​ ​the​ ​problems​ ​I​ ​did
on​ ​my​ ​own​ ​except​ ​2),​ ​Chinese​ ​Olympiads​ ​and​ ​TSTs​ ​(because​ ​they​ ​were​ ​known​ ​for​ ​being
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hard),​ ​the​ ​last​ ​10​ ​years​ ​of​ ​IMO,​ ​and​ ​several​ ​Iberoamerican,​ ​Balkan,​ ​and​ ​Asian​ ​Pacific
Math​ ​Olympiads.​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​went​ ​from​ ​being​ ​the​ ​core​ ​of​ ​my​ ​training​ ​in​ ​11​th​​ ​grade​ ​to
just​ ​a​ ​small​ ​component​ ​of​ ​it​ ​in​ ​12​th​​ ​grade;​ ​I​ ​hurried​ ​to​ ​finish​ ​it​ ​to​ ​leave​ ​time​ ​for​ ​more
training​ ​problems.
The​ ​blossoms​ ​bloomed,​ ​summer​ ​and​ ​graduation​ ​hovered​ ​ahead,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​derived​ ​no
pleasure​ ​from​ ​the​ ​coming​ ​of​ ​spring.​ ​It​ ​meant​ ​I​ ​only​ ​had​ ​one​ ​month​ ​left.​ ​The​ ​passing​ ​of
time​ ​was​ ​a​ ​bane.​ ​While​ ​the​ ​leaves​ ​grew​ ​from​ ​spring​ ​green​ ​tendrils,​ ​all​ ​I​ ​could​ ​think​ ​was,​ ​I
need​ ​more​ ​time!
But​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​think​ ​so​ ​much​ ​when​ ​I​ ​was​ ​doing​ ​problems.​ ​Every​ ​night,​ ​it​ ​was​ ​just
me​ ​and​ ​the​ ​problem.​ ​The​ ​struggle.​ ​The​ ​desire​ ​to​ ​win​ ​was​ ​buried​ ​deep​ ​inside​ ​me,​ ​but​ ​only
the​ ​struggle​ ​was​ ​apparent.

Colleges.​ ​The​ ​rejections​ ​and​ ​waitlists​ ​were​ ​a​ ​wake-up​ ​call.​ ​There​ ​are​ ​more
important​ ​things​ ​than​ ​winning​ ​USAMO,​ ​for​ ​example,​ ​where​ ​I​ ​would​ ​be​ ​going​ ​for​ ​the
next​ ​four​ ​years.​ ​I​ ​wondered​ ​why​ ​I​ ​wasn’t​ ​accepted​ ​to​ ​Princeton,​ ​Yale,​ ​or​ ​Stanford,
despite​ ​being​ ​near​ ​the​ ​top​ ​of​ ​my​ ​class,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​help​ ​but​ ​think​ ​that​ ​I’ve​ ​done​ ​nothing
important.​ ​Most​ ​of​ ​the​ ​awards​ ​I’ve​ ​listed​ ​are​ ​for​ ​math​ ​competitions.​ ​They​ ​know​​ ​math
competitions​ ​don’t​ ​matter.​ ​And​ ​they​ ​think​ ​it’s​ ​the​ ​only​ ​thing​ ​I​ ​cared​ ​about​ ​and​ ​they​ ​don’t
want​ ​someone​ ​who​ ​only​ ​cares​ ​about​ ​competition.​ ​They​ ​probably​ ​think​ ​my​ ​essay​ ​on​ ​hard
work​ ​was​ ​a​ ​lot​ ​of​ ​empty​ ​words,​ ​as​ ​I​ ​had​ ​little​ ​concrete​ ​evidence​ ​to​ ​show​ ​for​ ​it.​ ​If​ ​only
they​ ​could​ ​have​ ​seen​ ​how​ ​hard​ ​I’ve​ ​worked…
But​ ​I​ ​had​ ​gotten​ ​so​ ​far,​ ​with​ ​doing​ ​little​ ​but​ ​competition​ ​practice,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​couldn’t
afford​ ​to​ ​stop​ ​now,​ ​so​ ​close​ ​to​ ​USAMO…​ ​so​ ​I​ ​trudged​ ​on.

The​ ​USAMO

The​ ​day​ ​of​ ​the​ ​test,​ ​my​ ​heart​ ​hammered​ ​against​ ​my​ ​chest.
The​ ​test​ ​was​ ​a​ ​struggle.​ ​I​ ​finished​ ​problem​ ​2,​ ​but​ ​it​ ​took​ ​me​ ​2½-3​ ​hours.​ ​I​ ​finished
problem​ ​5,​ ​but​ ​it​ ​took​ ​me​ ​3½-4​ ​hours.
When​ ​it​ ​was​ ​over,​ ​simple,​ ​pure​ ​relief​ ​washed​ ​over​ ​me.​ ​For​ ​once,​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​launch
into​ ​doing​ ​math​ ​problems​ ​when​ ​I​ ​came​ ​home​ ​and​ ​instead​ ​wasted​ ​a​ ​little​ ​time.
And​ ​then​ ​the​ ​gnawing​ ​worry​ ​came​ ​again…
I​ ​will​ ​never​ ​ever​ ​forget​ ​the​ ​terrible​ ​wait​ ​that​ ​weekend,​ ​for​ ​the​ ​call​ ​that​ ​never
came.​ ​It​ ​did​ ​not​ ​come​ ​Friday​ ​night,​ ​and​ ​something​ ​told​ ​me​ ​it​ ​would​ ​never​ ​come.​ ​Still,​ ​the
following​ ​two​ ​days​ ​tortured​ ​me.​ ​Saturday​ ​night,​ ​I​ ​broke​ ​down.​ ​I​ ​knew​ ​that​ ​I​ ​had​ ​to​ ​accept
that​ ​I​ ​did​ ​not​ ​win;​ ​it​ ​would​ ​be​ ​easier​ ​to​ ​accept​ ​that​ ​earlier​ ​than​ ​later…​ ​And​ ​yet​ ​I​ ​could​ ​not
put​ ​out​ ​my​ ​glimmer​ ​of​ ​hope,​ ​the​ ​way​ ​my​ ​heart​ ​jumped​ ​at​ ​every​ ​ring​ ​of​ ​the​ ​phone…​ ​And
Sunday​ ​felt​ ​like​ ​a​ ​slide​ ​into​ ​despair…
Deluded,​ ​I​ ​hoped​ ​that​ ​something​ ​would​ ​happen.​ ​Perhaps​ ​they​ ​would​ ​take
additional​ ​members​ ​for​ ​Black​ ​MOP​ ​this​ ​year.​ ​I​ ​knew​ ​hope​ ​was​ ​useless.​ ​Dr.​ ​Andreescu’s
call​ ​ended​ ​this​ ​line​ ​of​ ​thinking.​ ​“There​ ​is​ ​life​ ​after​ ​USAMO.”

If​ ​I​ ​had​ ​won…

So​ ​much​ ​stacked​ ​on​ ​that​ ​statement,​ ​that​ ​“if”,​ ​all​ ​irreparably​ ​gone​ ​now…

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 I​ ​thought,​ ​if​ ​I​ ​made​ ​it​ ​then​ ​just​ ​the​ ​thought​ ​of​ ​my​ ​victory​ ​would​ ​always​ ​provide
me​ ​with​ ​motivation​ ​and​ ​happiness.​ ​I​ ​would​ ​have​ ​the​ ​confidence​ ​and​ ​position​ ​in​ ​the
world,​ ​and​ ​my​ ​future​ ​would​ ​be​ ​unquestioned.
I​ ​made​ ​so​ ​many​ ​promises…
If​ ​I​ ​made​ ​it​ ​to​ ​MOP,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​make​ ​a​ ​website​ ​to​ ​put​ ​the​ ​notes,​ ​problems,​ ​and
solutions,​ ​making​ ​it​ ​available​ ​to​ ​everyone​ ​online,​ ​to​ ​help​ ​people​ ​like​ ​me,​ ​who​ ​want​ ​to​ ​do
well​ ​on​ ​math​ ​competitions​ ​but​ ​feel​ ​like​ ​they​ ​don’t​ ​have​ ​guidance​ ​or​ ​one-on-one​ ​help,​ ​and
are​ ​missing​ ​out​ ​on​ ​the​ ​top​ ​training​ ​that​ ​really​ ​helps​ ​people​ ​win.
I​ ​would​ ​forget​ ​how​ ​I​ ​was​ ​forced​ ​to​ ​sit​ ​through​ ​5​ ​years​ ​of​ ​math​ ​classes​ ​too​ ​easy​ ​for
me,​ ​my​ ​anger​ ​at​ ​not​ ​making​ ​MOP​ ​last​ ​year.​ ​All​ ​my​ ​work​ ​and​ ​everything​ ​I’d​ ​endured
would​ ​be​ ​worth​ ​it…

The​ ​following​ ​week​ ​at​ ​school​ ​was​ ​awful.​ ​Hit​ ​by​ ​regret,​ ​anger,​ ​self-pity,​ ​clinging
what​ ​could​ ​have​ ​been…​ ​Struck,​ ​in​ ​the​ ​middle​ ​of​ ​a​ ​final​ ​exam,​ ​with​ ​a​ ​paralyzing​ ​inability
to​ ​continue…

Anger

It​ ​was​ ​my​ ​dream.

All​ ​I​ ​asked​ ​for​ ​was​ ​to​ ​make​ ​MOP,​ ​not​ ​even​ ​IMO,​ ​once​ ​and​ ​I​ ​would​ ​have​ ​been​ ​satisfied!
I’ve​ ​done​ ​so​ ​much​ ​work​ ​and​ ​I’ve​ ​never​ ​made​ ​it​ ​to​ ​the​ ​Math​ ​Olympiad​ ​Program!
Some​ ​people​ ​get​ ​in​ ​so​ ​easily,​ ​some​ ​are​ ​lazy​ ​and​ ​don’t​ ​work,​ ​while​ ​I​ ​deserve​ ​to​ ​get​ ​in!
Have​ ​they​ ​all​ ​done​ ​as​ ​much​ ​work​ ​as​ ​I​ ​have?​ ​If​ ​they​ ​don’t​ ​spend​ ​almost​ ​every​ ​free​ ​minute
they​ ​have​ ​there​ ​working​ ​on​ ​math,​ ​they​ ​don’t​ ​deserve​ ​to​ ​be​ ​there!​ ​They​ ​form​ ​an​ ​elite​ ​club
where​ ​no​ ​one​ ​else​ ​ever​ ​gets​ ​in,​ ​where​ ​everyone​ ​knows​ ​they’re​ ​good​ ​at​ ​math.​ ​It’s​ ​occupied
by​ ​smart​ ​people​ ​who​ ​can​ ​have​ ​constant​ ​assurance​ ​of​ ​their​ ​own​ ​smartness,​ ​who​ ​are​ ​so
concerned​ ​with​ ​themselves​ ​they​ ​don’t​ ​acknowledge​ ​there​ ​are​ ​smart,​ ​hardworking​ ​math
people​ ​outside​ ​MOP.
Have​ ​two​ ​years,​ ​countless​ ​hours​ ​of​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​gotten​ ​me​ ​nowhere?
I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​show​ ​it​ ​was​ ​possible,​ ​that​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​can​ ​triumph​,​ ​but​ ​even​ ​putting​ ​my​ ​all​ ​in​ ​it
the​ ​chance​ ​was​ ​still​ ​so​ ​small…
I’ve​ ​been​ ​misled.
Make​ ​Mathematical​ ​History.
The​ ​greatest​ ​lie​ ​ever
How​ ​that​ ​phrase​ ​captured​ ​my​ ​heart
Get​ ​out!​ ​…

In​ ​the​ ​library,​ ​the​ ​book​ ​on​ ​display​ ​was​ ​about​ ​the​ ​US​ ​IMO​ ​team.​ ​That​ ​triggered
another​ ​rush​ ​of​ ​feelings…
Why?
The​ ​world​ ​is​ ​against​ ​me.
Why​ ​do​ ​I​ ​have​ ​to​ ​be​ ​reminded​ ​of​ ​my​ ​failure?
It’s​ ​not​ ​fair!

5
 Their​ ​accomplishments​ ​are​ ​publicized​ ​and​ ​everyone​ ​else’s​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​is​ ​ignored!
People​ ​should​ ​know​ ​that​ ​winning​ ​isn’t​ ​everything…yet​ ​they​ ​lure​ ​people…​ ​“Make
Mathematical​ ​History!”
Why​ ​do​ ​they​ ​have​ ​gaudy​ ​awards​ ​ceremony​ ​anyway?​ ​To​ ​spite​ ​others?​ ​I​ ​can​ ​just
imagine-​ ​people,​ ​newspapers-​ ​“The​ ​12​ ​smartest​ ​high​ ​school​ ​students​ ​in​ ​the​ ​US”-​ ​so​ ​not
true…​ ​winner​ ​worn​ ​like​ ​a​ ​badge.​ ​If​ ​I​ ​were​ ​a​ ​winner​ ​I​ ​would​ ​be​ ​eternally​ ​happy​ ​with​ ​the
knowledge​ ​of​ ​what​ ​I​ ​did,​ ​don’t​ ​need​ ​people​ ​to​ ​say​ ​it​ ​to​ ​me,​ ​to​ ​praise​ ​me,​ ​say​ ​oo,​ ​ah.
People​ ​argue,​ ​you​ ​shouldn’t​ ​take​ ​math​ ​competitions​ ​too​ ​seriously.​ ​And​ ​yet,​ ​the
awards​ ​and​ ​opportunities​ ​granted​ ​suggest​ ​just​ ​the​ ​opposite…
The​ ​arrogance!
People​ ​bragging​ ​about​ ​their​ ​scores,​ ​their​ ​grades​ ​on​ ​AoPS-​ ​why​ ​do​ ​they​ ​have​ ​to​ ​show​ ​off?
Angry​ ​at​ ​winners-​ ​how​ ​happy​ ​they​ ​must​ ​be​ ​with​ ​so​ ​little​ ​regard​ ​for​ ​everyone​ ​else.
It’s​ ​as​ ​if​ ​I’m​ ​angry​ ​at​ ​myself​ ​from​ ​another​ ​dimension,​ ​where​ ​I​ ​could​ ​have​ ​won-​ ​I​ ​would
act​ ​just​ ​like​ ​that,​ ​retelling​ ​my​ ​successes-​ ​I​ ​can​ ​almost​ ​hear​ ​myself…​ ​“Oh,​ ​at​ ​first​ ​I​ ​had​ ​no
idea​ ​how​ ​to​ ​do​ ​problem​ ​so-and-so,​ ​it​ ​took​ ​me​ ​3​ ​hours​ ​to​ ​figure​ ​it​ ​out,​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​think​ ​I
would!”​ ​but​ ​smiling​ ​even​ ​as​ ​I​ ​said​ ​this,​ ​to​ ​my​ ​mom,​ ​my​ ​family​ ​and​ ​friends,​ ​“Oh,​ ​what​ ​a
relief​ ​it​ ​was​ ​to​ ​solve​ ​it!​ ​I​ ​thought​ ​I​ ​might​ ​not​ ​make​ ​it,​ ​but​ ​suddenly​ ​that​ ​call​ ​came,​ ​it
seemed​ ​like​ ​the​ ​best​ ​sound​ ​I’ve​ ​ever​ ​heard!”

Sadness​ ​and​ ​regret

I​ ​couldn’t​ ​help​ ​thinking,​ ​if​ ​I​ ​had​ ​only​ ​solved​ ​that​ ​half​ ​of​ ​problem​ ​1,​ ​why​ ​was​ ​I​ ​so
stupid,​ ​of​ ​all​ ​the​ ​questions​ ​I​ ​could​ ​have​ ​missed!​ ​It​ ​was​ ​the​ ​reason​ ​that​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​win!​ ​And
afterwards,​ ​it​ ​seems​ ​so​ ​simple…
MOP​ ​doesn’t​ ​exist​ ​for​ ​me.​ ​It​ ​never​ ​did​ ​and​ ​it​ ​never​ ​will.
I​ ​always​ ​looked​ ​at​ ​it​ ​like​ ​a​ ​holy​ ​grail,​ ​something​ ​unattainable,​ ​desperately​ ​wanted
by​ ​many,​ ​something​ ​that​ ​will​ ​seal​ ​my​ ​future​ ​with​ ​doing​ ​well​ ​on​ ​math​ ​competitions…I
really​ ​could​ ​have​ ​done​ ​well​ ​at​ ​training,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​had​ ​to​ ​try​ ​to​ ​blossom​ ​alone.​ ​I​ ​had​ ​no​ ​one​ ​to
discuss​ ​challenging​ ​problems​ ​with​ ​to​ ​spur​ ​my​ ​own​ ​development.​ ​I​ ​get​ ​a​ ​hard​ ​ISL
problem;​ ​its​ ​proof​ ​goes​ ​in​ ​my​ ​notebook.​ ​Nobody​ ​else​ ​ever​ ​sees​ ​it,​ ​just​ ​me.
Sad​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​be​ ​friends​ ​with​ ​those​ ​really​ ​smart,​ ​hardworking​ ​people…

I​ ​tried​ ​to​ ​convince​ ​myself…

MOP​ ​proves​ ​that​ ​it’s​ ​only​​ ​about​ ​competition,​ ​because​ ​it​ ​accepts​ ​the​ ​same​ ​people​ ​over
and​ ​over​ ​so​ ​that​ ​the​ ​US​ ​team​ ​is​ ​the​ ​best,​ ​not​ ​caring​ ​about​ ​furthering​ ​the​ ​math​ ​education
of​ ​many​ ​other​ ​diligent​ ​math​ ​students,​ ​for​ ​example​ ​many​ ​9th​ ​​ ​graders​ ​are​ ​funded,​ ​not​ ​12th​
graders​ ​who​ ​may​ ​have​ ​gone​ ​much​ ​further,​ ​worked​ ​much​ ​harder…

From​ ​an​ ​outsider’s​ ​perspective,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​seem​ ​to​ ​have​ ​an​ ​ideal​ ​life​ ​ahead​ ​of​ ​me.​ ​I
had​ ​made​ ​rapid​ ​progress​ ​on​ ​my​ ​own,​ ​my​ ​score​ ​on​ ​math​ ​competitions​ ​shooting​ ​upwards.
People​ ​say,​ ​“You’re​ ​a​ ​math​ ​genius!​ ​Aren’t​ ​you​ ​the​ ​president​ ​of​ ​math​ ​club?​ ​How​ ​many
APs​ ​are​ ​you​ ​taking?​ ​You’re​ ​going​ ​to​ ​be​ ​valedictorian!​ ​You’re​ ​going​ ​to​ ​get​ ​in​ ​any​ ​college
you​ ​apply​ ​to!​ ​How​ ​did​ ​you​ ​get​ ​so​ ​smart?”​ ​Sometimes​ ​I​ ​hear​ ​people​ ​say​ ​they​ ​are​ ​jealous
of​ ​me.​ ​“Holden​ ​got​ ​--th​ ​place​ ​out​ ​of​ ​a​ ​quarter​ ​million​ ​people​ ​on​ ​the​ ​American
Mathematics​ ​Competition!”—“Wow,​ ​that​ ​makes​ ​me​ ​jealous!”​ ​If​ ​they​ ​could​ ​only​ ​know
6
my​ ​suffering,​ ​they​ ​would​ ​not​ ​envy​ ​me​ ​so​ ​much.​ ​It​ ​seems​ ​like​ ​it’s​ ​easiest​ ​to​ ​be​ ​dissatisfied
with​ ​what​ ​one​ ​has​ ​when​ ​one​ ​is​ ​good​ ​at​ ​something​ ​but​ ​not​ ​THE​ ​BEST.​ ​If​ ​they​ ​knew​ ​the
way​ ​I​ ​coveted​ ​being​ ​a​ ​winner,​ ​the​ ​amount​ ​of​ ​work​ ​I​ ​put​ ​in​ ​every​ ​day​ ​to​ ​get​ ​there…​ ​they
would​ ​not​ ​be​ ​jealous.
In​ ​fact​ ​sometimes​ ​I​ ​envy​ ​them—they​ ​are​ ​not​ ​super-good​ ​at​ ​anything,​ ​and​ ​have​ ​no
burning​ ​desire​ ​to​ ​be​ ​the​ ​best.​ ​Failing​ ​a​ ​competition​ ​may​ ​be​ ​a​ ​disappointment,​ ​but​ ​one
easily​ ​gotten​ ​over,​ ​because​ ​they​ ​didn’t​ ​put​ ​years​ ​of​ ​work​ ​into​ ​it,​ ​they​ ​never​ ​had​ ​those
mind-eating​ ​aspirations.

I​ ​should​ ​be​ ​thankful.​ ​People​ ​work​ ​as​ ​hard​ ​as​ ​I​ ​do,​ ​and​ ​are​ ​happy​ ​to​ ​just​ ​get​ ​A’s​ ​or
pass​ ​their​ ​SATs.​ ​Why​ ​should​ ​I​ ​think​ ​I​ ​deserve​ ​so​ ​much​ ​more?
I​ ​need​ ​to​ ​let​ ​go​ ​of​ ​my​ ​desires.​ ​Desires​ ​create​ ​suffering.​ ​“Make​ ​Mathematical
History!”​ ​Why​ ​do​ ​they​ ​fuel​ ​those​ ​desires?​ ​To​ ​prod​ ​people​ ​into​ ​working​ ​hard?
Regrettably,​ ​it’s​ ​worked​ ​on​ ​me.​ ​Can’t​ ​they​ ​come​ ​up​ ​with​ ​something​ ​else,​ ​something​ ​more
meaningful?​ ​Or​ ​maybe​ ​it’s​ ​there,​ ​always​ ​been​ ​there,​ ​just​ ​not​ ​publicized,​ ​not​ ​attractive
like​ ​“Make​ ​Mathematical​ ​History”…

Disillusionment

Maybe​ ​I​ ​needed​ ​to​ ​fail​ ​to​ ​understand​ ​what​ ​it​ ​is​ ​like​ ​to​ ​fail,​ ​to​ ​understand​ ​the
meaninglessness​ ​of​ ​competition.​ ​If​ ​I​ ​had​ ​won,​ ​could​ ​I​ ​imagine​ ​what​ ​it​ ​would​ ​be​ ​like​ ​if​ ​I
failed,​ ​without​ ​the​ ​emotions​ ​and​ ​despair​ ​of​ ​failing?​ ​Sympathy​ ​is​ ​possible,​ ​but​ ​to​ ​truly​ ​see
the​ ​situation​ ​would​ ​be​ ​almost​ ​impossible.​ ​I​ ​can​ ​almost​ ​hear​ ​myself​ ​say​ ​in​ ​a​ ​haughty​ ​tone,
“Oh,​ ​look​ ​at​ ​all​ ​the​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​that​ ​I​ ​did,​ ​it​ ​led​ ​me​ ​up​ ​to​ ​this…”,​ ​when​ ​I​ ​still​ ​had​ ​the
naïveté​ ​to​ ​think​ ​that​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​would​ ​always​ ​be​ ​rewarded.

Mathematicians​ ​are​ ​not​ ​athletes!​ ​They​ ​should​ ​not​ ​be​ ​treated​ ​so!​ ​If​ ​only​ ​there​ ​were
some​ ​way​ ​of​ ​giving​ ​“math​ ​competition”​ ​problems​ ​without​ ​the​ ​“math​ ​competition”…
“Make​ ​Mathematical​ ​History”​ ​indeed!​ ​If​ ​you​ ​only​ ​wanted​ ​fame​ ​you​ ​chose​ ​the
wrong​ ​field.
I’ve​ ​always​ ​been​ ​of​ ​two​ ​minds​ ​on​ ​math​ ​competitions.​ ​I​ ​like​ ​wrestling​ ​with​ ​the
challenging​ ​math​ ​problems​ ​they​ ​offer,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​don’t​ ​like​ ​the​ ​competition.​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​stand​ ​the
time​ ​pressure.​ ​In​ ​fact,​ ​rarely​ ​have​ ​I​ ​enjoyed​ ​a​ ​math​ ​competition​ ​from​ ​start​ ​to​ ​finish:
combine​ ​the​ ​gnawing​ ​anxiety​ ​and​ ​dread​ ​before,​ ​franticness​ ​when​ ​the​ ​clock​ ​is​ ​ticking,
relief​ ​(not​ ​really​ ​happiness)​ ​that​ ​it’s​ ​over,​ ​unbearable​ ​wait​ ​until​ ​the​ ​results​ ​come​ ​out,​ ​and
disappointment​ ​of​ ​the​ ​score…​ ​Mostly​ ​I’ve​ ​held​ ​it​ ​within​ ​me,​ ​so​ ​people​ ​just​ ​think​ ​I’m
happy​ ​that​ ​I​ ​do​ ​well…​ ​I​ ​only​ ​taught​ ​Math​ ​Club​ ​how​ ​to​ ​do​ ​math​ ​competition​ ​problems,
what​ ​a​ ​hypocrite​ ​I​ ​am…
I​ ​am​ ​thoroughly​ ​sick​ ​of​ ​Olympiad​ ​problems​ ​because​ ​of​ ​my​ ​feelings​ ​attached​ ​to
that​ ​word,​ ​“Olympiad.”​ ​If​ ​they​ ​could​ ​be​ ​renamed,​ ​maybe​ ​“challenging”​ ​problems​ ​instead
of​ ​“Olympiad”​ ​problems,​ ​I​ ​could​ ​still​ ​enjoy​ ​working​ ​on​ ​them,​ ​having​ ​settled​ ​into​ ​a
pattern​ ​of​ ​working​ ​on​ ​them​ ​every​ ​day.​ ​But​ ​they​ ​bring​ ​nothing​ ​but​ ​memories,​ ​grief,​ ​and
regret.​ ​And​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​fool​ ​myself,​ ​they​ ​are​ ​Olympiad​​ ​problems,​ ​primarily​ ​meant​ ​for
competition,​ ​meant​ ​to​ ​separate​ ​the​ ​honorable​ ​mentions​ ​from​ ​the​ ​winners,​ ​meant​ ​to​ ​be
done​ ​in​ ​1​ ​hour​ ​and​ ​30​ ​minutes​ ​and​ ​not​ ​thought​ ​out​ ​over​ ​several​ ​days​ ​as​ ​I​ ​enjoyed​ ​doing:​ ​I
7
had​ ​done​ ​lots​ ​of​ ​hard​ ​ISL​ ​problems,​ ​IMO​ ​3s​ ​and​ ​6s​ ​but​ ​some​ ​of​ ​them​ ​took​ ​days,​ ​some​ ​I
solved​ ​only​ ​after​ ​dropping​ ​them​ ​and​ ​then​ ​taking​ ​them​ ​up​ ​again​ ​after​ ​a​ ​week​ ​or​ ​month.
The​ ​nicest​ ​proofs​ ​I​ ​write​ ​are​ ​edited,​ ​not​ ​rushed​ ​in​ ​a​ ​few​ ​minutes.​ ​But​ ​isn’t​ ​that​ ​what​ ​math
is​ ​about?
People​ ​who’ve​ ​already​ ​done​ ​well​ ​have​ ​the​ ​joy​ ​of​ ​getting​ ​a​ ​new​ ​“high​ ​score”​ ​goal.
For​ ​someone​ ​fervently​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​make​ ​it,​ ​struggling​ ​to​ ​secure​ ​those​ ​four​ ​problems,​ ​there
is​ ​no​ ​such​ ​joy.​ ​Scary​ ​thing​ ​is,​ ​their​ ​viewpoint​ ​may​ ​never​ ​change​ ​because​ ​they​ ​just​ ​keep
winning​ ​and​ ​are​ ​guided​ ​to​ ​win​ ​again​ ​(and​ ​have​ ​time​ ​for​ ​other​ ​activities).​ ​The​ ​least​ ​I​ ​can
hope​ ​is​ ​that​ ​they​ ​don’t​ ​take​ ​this​ ​for​ ​granted,​ ​that​ ​they​ ​acknowledge​ ​the​ ​viewpoint​ ​of​ ​the
others…
Well,​ ​math​ ​competition​ ​does​ ​not​ ​mirror​ ​real​ ​life—and​ ​everyone​ ​goes​ ​beyond
math​ ​competitions.
I’ve​ ​had​ ​enough​ ​of​ ​math​ ​contests.​ ​I’m​ ​not​ ​participating​ ​in​ ​Putnam.​ ​If​ ​I​ ​want
challenging​ ​problems​ ​I’ll​ ​know​ ​where​ ​to​ ​look.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​will​ ​not​ ​have​ ​my​ ​experiences​ ​with
them​ ​poisoned​ ​by​ ​competition.​ ​On​ ​AoPS,​ ​after​ ​a​ ​competition,​ ​people​ ​moan​ ​about​ ​their
scores;​ ​bash​ ​their​ ​heads,​ ​angry​ ​at​ ​not​ ​being​ ​able​ ​to​ ​solve​ ​the​ ​problems;​ ​or​ ​bragging​ ​about
what​ ​they​ ​did​ ​solve,​ ​their​ ​score…​ ​Some​ ​moan​ ​about​ ​a​ ​score​ ​others​ ​would​ ​be​ ​jealous​ ​of…
I​ ​admit​ ​I’ve​ ​participated​ ​in​ ​these​ ​rants.​ ​But​ ​no​ ​more.
Do​ ​I​ ​get​ ​happiness​ ​from​ ​thinking​ ​about​ ​my​ ​actual​ ​victories​ ​in​ ​math​ ​competitions?
In​ ​a​ ​faraway​ ​world,​ ​a​ ​long​ ​time​ ​ago,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​have.​ ​But​ ​now​ ​the​ ​trophies​ ​looking​ ​down​ ​at
me​ ​from​ ​my​ ​desk​ ​seem​ ​too​ ​gaudy.​ ​Before,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​have​ ​enjoyed​ ​how​ ​my​ ​teachers​ ​idolize
me​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of​ ​my​ ​class.​ ​Now​ ​if​ ​they​ ​brag​ ​about​ ​me,​ ​they​ ​say​ ​my​ ​name​ ​in​ ​vain.

Ideally​ ​there​ ​should​ ​be​ ​a​ ​balance​ ​between​ ​math​ ​competition​ ​practice​ ​and​ ​doing
advanced​ ​math,​ ​interesting​ ​math,​ ​problems​ ​that​ ​arouse​ ​curiosity,​ ​research​ ​problems.​ ​But
unless​ ​you​ ​spend​ ​much​ ​more​ ​time​ ​on​ ​math​ ​competition​ ​practices​ ​it​ ​is​ ​difficult​ ​to​ ​do​ ​well
on​ ​them.​ ​And​ ​unless​ ​you​ ​have​ ​a​ ​burning​ ​desire​ ​to​ ​win,​ ​why​ ​would​ ​you​ ​spend​ ​all​ ​your​ ​time
on​ ​Olympiad​ ​problems?​ ​Catch-22:​ ​After​ ​math​ ​competition,​ ​if​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​do​ ​well,​ ​you​ ​feel
like​ ​crap—you​ ​have​ ​done​ ​nothing​ ​of​ ​value,​ ​only​ ​do​ ​questions​ ​speedily​ ​in​ ​1​ ​hour​ ​and​ ​30
minutes,​ ​without​ ​time​ ​to​ ​extend​ ​them​ ​further,​ ​to​ ​contemplate—before,​ ​I​ ​said​ ​I​ ​would​ ​be
glad​ ​to​ ​have​ ​time​ ​to​ ​explore​ ​problems​ ​in​ ​depth​ ​after​ ​USAMO​ ​is​ ​over.​ ​But​ ​since​ ​I​ ​haven’t
done​ ​this,​ ​only​ ​do​ ​problem,​ ​write​ ​up,​ ​and​ ​move​ ​on,​ ​I​ ​am​ ​lost​ ​and​ ​can’t​ ​pick​ ​it​ ​up!​ ​My​ ​lack
of​ ​motivation​ ​is​ ​my​ ​biggest​ ​problem!

Acknowledgement

I​ ​can’t​ ​stand​ ​other​ ​people​ ​thinking​ ​they’re​ ​smarter​ ​than​ ​I​ ​am—I​ ​just​ ​want​ ​to​ ​be
treated​ ​like​ ​an​ ​equal​.​ ​Why?​ ​Because​ ​I​ ​know​ ​the​ ​way​ ​smart​ ​people​ ​often​ ​think—I​ ​used​ ​to
enjoy​ ​a​ ​feeling​ ​of​ ​superiority​ ​at​ ​being​ ​better​ ​than​ ​math​ ​than​ ​others,​ ​arrogantly​ ​thinking
I’m​ ​at​ ​a​ ​level​ ​beyond​ ​their​ ​comprehension.​ ​Why?​ ​Because​ ​that’s​ ​how​ ​society​​ ​treats​ ​us.
There​ ​needs​ ​to​ ​be​ ​a​ ​winner​.​ ​Being​ ​a​ ​winner​ ​feels​ ​good​.​ ​So​ ​if​ ​we’re​ ​not​ ​winners,​ ​we​ ​pick
on​ ​people​ ​dumber​ ​than​ ​us,​ ​to​ ​feel​ ​good.​ ​This​ ​attitude​ ​festers​ ​and​ ​backfires.
Fueled​ ​by​ ​our​ ​own​ ​desires,​ ​competition​ ​hammers​ ​its​ ​cynical,​ ​arrogant,​ ​selfish
outlook​ ​into​ ​us.​ ​My​ ​inner​ ​devil​ ​insists​ ​on​ ​comparing​ ​people,​ ​of​ ​making​ ​me​ ​think​ ​I’m

8
better​ ​than​ ​everyone​ ​else​ ​when​ ​I​ ​win,​ ​and​ ​giving​ ​rise​ ​to​ ​imagined​ ​enemies​ ​challenging
my​ ​smartness.
When​ ​I​ ​am​ ​not​ ​the​ ​winner,​ ​I​ ​project​ ​these​ ​negative​ ​qualities​ ​of​ ​arrogance​ ​and
egotism​ ​on​ ​whoever​ ​does​ ​win,​ ​which​ ​is​ ​why​ ​I​ ​always​ ​looked​ ​at​ ​MOP​ ​as​ ​some​ ​sort​ ​of
exclusive​ ​clique.​ ​I​ ​am​ ​afraid​ ​of​ ​their​ ​attitudes—if​ ​their​ ​attitudes​ ​are​ ​anything​ ​like​ ​mine
would​ ​have​ ​been​ ​if​ ​I​ ​had​ ​won,​ ​before​ ​doing​ ​so​ ​much​ ​hard​ ​work…
Why​ ​I​ ​had​ ​a​ ​sort​ ​of​ ​exclusivist​ ​attitude,​ ​jealousy​ ​at​ ​people​ ​who​ ​want​ ​to​ ​pursue
mathematics​ ​as​ ​well,​ ​to​ ​pick​ ​out​ ​their​ ​flaws​ ​in​ ​my​ ​mind,​ ​to​ ​convince​ ​myself​ ​that​ ​I​ ​work
harder​ ​than​ ​they​ ​do,​ ​that​ ​I​ ​had​ ​what​ ​it​ ​takes​ ​more​ ​than​ ​they​ ​did.
Sure​ ​we​ ​may​ ​think​ ​these​ ​things​ ​only​ ​in​ ​our​ ​private​ ​thoughts,​ ​and​ ​they​ ​may​ ​be
nothing​ ​more​ ​than​ ​a​ ​passing​ ​thought.​ ​Feelings​ ​like​ ​this​ ​can​ ​manifest​ ​themselves​ ​in​ ​many
forms,​ ​for​ ​example,​ ​people​ ​insert​ ​unasked-for​ ​comments​ ​when​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​explain​ ​a
problem​ ​or​ ​say​ ​a​ ​problem​ ​they’ve​ ​solved​ ​is​ ​easy​ ​or​ ​obvious​ ​when​ ​it​ ​isn’t.
I​ ​used​ ​to​ ​delight​ ​in​ ​people’s​ ​dumbness,​ ​to​ ​be​ ​happy​ ​when​ ​people​ ​can’t​ ​solve​ ​a
problem​ ​I​ ​give​ ​them,​ ​at​ ​their​ ​bewilderment​ ​even​ ​as​ ​I​ ​drop​ ​hints​ ​carelessly,​ ​a​ ​perverse
satisfaction​ ​from​ ​thinking​ ​that​ ​I​ ​am​ ​smarter​ ​than​ ​them.​ ​Even​ ​my​ ​friends​ ​at​ ​math​ ​club
weren’t​ ​immune.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​tutored​ ​someone,​ ​and​ ​that​ ​person​ ​didn’t​ ​get​ ​something​ ​I
explained​ ​already,​ ​I​ ​couldn’t​ ​help​ ​thinking,​ ​you’re​ ​dumb​.​ ​Though,​ ​I​ ​always​ ​manage​ ​to
suppress​ ​these​ ​feelings​ ​so​ ​my​ ​teacher​ ​considers​ ​me​ ​a​ ​good​ ​tutor.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​ignore​ ​these
feelings.​ ​My​ ​attitude​ ​marked​ ​me​ ​as​ ​nothing​ ​more​ ​than​ ​an​ ​intellectual​ ​bully.​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​have
that​ ​attitude​ ​anymore.​ ​It’s​ ​simply​ ​melted​ ​after​ ​I​ ​didn’t​ ​win​ ​USAMO…
I​ ​let​ ​myself​ ​be​ ​caught​ ​up​ ​by​ ​my​ ​desires​ ​for​ ​fame​ ​and​ ​glory,​ ​and​ ​my​ ​suffering​ ​was
the​ ​result​ ​of​ ​latching​ ​on​ ​so​ ​much​ ​to​ ​my​ ​desires.​ ​I​ ​acknowledge​ ​my​ ​faults.
I​ ​aim​ ​to​ ​spurn​ ​math​ ​competitions​ ​in​ ​college,​ ​to​ ​stop​ ​my​ ​life​ ​from​ ​spiraling​ ​out​ ​of
control…

Enlightenment

Hard​ ​work​ ​is​ ​universal.

I​ ​used​ ​to​ ​want​ ​to​ ​be​ ​a​ ​writer.​ ​However,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​only​ ​write​ ​occasionally,​ ​once​ ​a
week​ ​or​ ​once​ ​a​ ​month,​ ​so​ ​I​ ​could​ ​never​ ​get​ ​all​ ​of​ ​my​ ​ideas​ ​on​ ​paper.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​read​ ​any
book​ ​about​ ​being​ ​a​ ​writer,​ ​one​ ​of​ ​the​ ​most​ ​important​ ​pieces​ ​of​ ​advice​ ​is​ ​to​ ​force​ ​yourself
to​ ​write​ ​on​ ​a​ ​regular​ ​basis,​ ​advice​ ​I​ ​never​ ​heeded.
It​ ​was​ ​the​ ​same​ ​with​ ​math​ ​too,​ ​at​ ​first,​ ​but​ ​then​ ​I​ ​started​ ​working​ ​on​ ​math​ ​every
day.​ ​If​ ​I​ ​continue,​ ​I​ ​know​ ​I​ ​will​ ​be​ ​successful​ ​as​ ​a​ ​math​ ​professor,​ ​just​ ​as​ ​if​ ​I​ ​had​ ​put​ ​the
same​ ​effort​ ​into​ ​writing​ ​I​ ​would​ ​be​ ​a​ ​successful​ ​writer.
To​ ​flourish​ ​in​ ​any​ ​field,​ ​even​ ​one​ ​you’re​ ​good​ ​at,​ ​it​ ​takes​ ​hard​ ​work.

My​ ​classmates​ ​say​ ​to​ ​me​ ​“You’ll​ ​be​ ​famous​ ​someday!​ ​You’re​ ​going​ ​to​ ​win​ ​a
Nobel​ ​Prize​ ​[Fields​ ​Medal]!”​ ​I​ ​appreciate​ ​their​ ​good​ ​intentions.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​help​ ​but​ ​feel
sorry​ ​for​ ​them.​ ​I​ ​want​ ​to​ ​say,​ ​it​ ​doesn’t​ ​MATTER​ ​whether​ ​I​ ​get​ ​a​ ​medal​ ​or​ ​not.​ ​You
don’t​ ​go​ ​into​ ​science​ ​or​ ​mathematics​ ​saying,​ ​“My​ ​goal​ ​is​ ​to​ ​get​ ​a​ ​Nobel​ ​Prize/​ ​Fields
Medal.”
The​ ​mathematician​ ​who​ ​proved​ ​the​ ​Poincaré​ ​Conjecture​ ​was​ ​awarded​ ​a​ ​Fields
Medal,​ ​but​ ​he​ ​rejected​ ​it.​ ​Before​ ​my​ ​experiences,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​never​ ​have​ ​understood​ ​why.
9
It’s​ ​the​ ​dream​ ​of​ ​thousands​ ​of​ ​people!​ ​I​ ​probably​ ​would​ ​not​ ​do​ ​that,​ ​lacking​ ​the​ ​strength
of​ ​character.​ ​But​ ​now​ ​I​ ​understand​ ​why​ ​he​ ​would​ ​do​ ​it,​ ​and​ ​respect​ ​him​ ​for​ ​it.
I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​be​ ​the​ ​best,​ ​but​ ​there’s​ ​no​ ​point.​ ​Isn’t​ ​there​ ​room​ ​in​ ​the​ ​US​ ​for
thousands​ ​of​ ​math​ ​professors?​ ​We​ ​should​ ​all​ ​work​ ​hard,​ ​but​ ​it’s​ ​not​ ​necessary​ ​to​ ​be​ ​better
than​ ​everyone​ ​else:​ ​everyone​ ​working​ ​in​ ​the​ ​field​ ​contributes​ ​to​ ​it​ ​in​ ​some​ ​way,​ ​and​ ​often
the​ ​work​ ​of​ ​hundreds​ ​of​ ​unknown​ ​people​ ​matters​ ​greatly.​ ​Who​ ​are​ ​we​ ​to​ ​judge?
If​ ​you​ ​anticipate​ ​fame​ ​and​ ​glory​ ​ahead,​ ​every​ ​failure​ ​will​ ​be​ ​that​ ​much​ ​more
disappointing,​ ​but​ ​if​ ​you​ ​truly​ ​enjoy​ ​struggling​ ​with​ ​problems,​ ​it​ ​will​ ​only​ ​motivate​ ​you
to​ ​continue.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​look​ ​for​ ​competition,​ ​you​ ​will​ ​like​ ​what​ ​you​ ​do​ ​without​ ​needing
to​ ​win,​ ​and​ ​because​ ​of​ ​the​ ​purity​ ​of​ ​your​ ​motivation,​ ​likely​ ​find​ ​success​ ​as​ ​well.

Crossroads

I​ ​still​ ​can’t​ ​help​ ​thinking​ ​occasionally,​ ​everything​ ​would​ ​be​ ​nicer​ ​if​ ​I​ ​had​ ​won,
and​ ​this​ ​is​ ​true,​ ​it​ ​is​ ​a​ ​fact​ ​I​ ​will​ ​just​ ​have​ ​to​ ​live​ ​with…
Olympiads,​ ​the​ ​basis​ ​of​ ​my​ ​existence​ ​the​ ​past​ ​two​ ​years,​ ​had​ ​gone;​ ​it​ ​seemed​ ​as​ ​if
the​ ​floor​ ​under​ ​me​ ​had​ ​collapsed​ ​and​ ​I​ ​was​ ​left​ ​hanging​ ​in​ ​midair…
For​ ​a​ ​while,​ ​math​ ​seemed​ ​to​ ​have​ ​lost​ ​its​ ​magic.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​worked​ ​on​ ​Olympiad
problems,​ ​they​ ​constantly​ ​hummed​ ​in​ ​my​ ​brain​ ​as​ ​I​ ​made​ ​sure​ ​I​ ​had​ ​one​ ​to​ ​ponder​ ​all​ ​the
time,​ ​so​ ​as​ ​to​ ​not​ ​waste​ ​time.​ ​They​ ​made​ ​life​ ​continuous;​ ​they​ ​were​ ​there​ ​as​ ​I​ ​rode​ ​the
bus,​ ​showered,​ ​when​ ​I​ ​couldn’t​ ​sleep.​ ​The​ ​magic​ ​of​ ​reading​ ​a​ ​new​ ​problem,​ ​gathering
ideas,​ ​making​ ​connections,​ ​the​ ​flash​ ​of​ ​inspiration.​ ​I​ ​struggled​ ​to​ ​find​ ​that​ ​magic​ ​again.​ ​I
felt​ ​that​ ​I​ ​could,​ ​eventually,​ ​but​ ​I​ ​had​ ​to​ ​cast​ ​away​ ​my​ ​grief,​ ​memories​ ​of​ ​math
competitions,​ ​and​ ​stop​ ​dwelling​ ​on​ ​the​ ​past…​ ​I​ ​felt​ ​like​ ​a​ ​shell​ ​sometimes,​ ​an​ ​empty​ ​void
inside.​ ​Where​ ​was​ ​my​ ​passion?

At​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​Summer​ ​Camp,​ ​I​ ​caught​ ​a​ ​glimpse​ ​of​ ​the​ ​other​ ​life​ ​I​ ​could
have​ ​had:​ ​My​ ​roommates​ ​played​ ​video​ ​games,​ ​turn​ ​up​ ​the​ ​volume​ ​on​ ​their​ ​iPods,​ ​and
play​ ​capture​ ​the​ ​flag​ ​outside​ ​with​ ​friends.​ ​People​ ​say​ ​that’s​ ​living​ ​life​ ​to​ ​the​ ​fullest​ ​but​ ​in
my​ ​opinion​ ​that​ ​kind​ ​of​ ​life​ ​actually​ ​makes​ ​you​ ​forget​ ​about​ ​all​ ​but​ ​the​ ​present​ ​and​ ​makes
life​ ​seem​ ​to​ ​flow​ ​smoothly.​ ​Distractions​ ​blur​ ​life.​ ​To​ ​really​ ​be​ ​alive,​ ​one​ ​needs​ ​to
struggle,​ ​to​ ​work​ ​hard,​ ​to​ ​fail…​ ​(Of​ ​course,​ ​after​ ​a​ ​while​ ​it​ ​may​ ​not​ ​seem​ ​like​ ​working
hard,​ ​just​ ​like​ ​normal)​ ​Only​ ​then,​ ​can​ ​the​ ​harsh,​ ​sharp​ ​angles​ ​of​ ​life​ ​come​ ​into​ ​focus,​ ​as
they​ ​did​ ​every​ ​day​ ​when​ ​it​ ​was​ ​just​ ​me,​ ​the​ ​problem​ ​and​ ​the​ ​struggle-​ ​simple​ ​and
Spartan.​ ​I​ ​realize​ ​I​ ​am​ ​thankful​ ​for​ ​them​ ​for​ ​showing​ ​me​ ​the​ ​option​ ​and​ ​I​ ​respect​ ​their
choice,​ ​even​ ​though​ ​I​ ​would​ ​never​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​go​ ​back​ ​to​ ​that​ ​kind​ ​of​ ​attitude.
I​ ​spent​ ​an​ ​afternoon​ ​playing​ ​Civilization​ ​(a​ ​computer​ ​game).​ ​On​ ​one​ ​hand,​ ​it
seemed​ ​easy​ ​to​ ​revert​ ​to​ ​my​ ​old​ ​lifestyle,​ ​just​ ​spend​ ​lots​ ​and​ ​lots​ ​of​ ​time​ ​playing.​ ​Enjoy
summer,​ ​not​ ​do​ ​math​ ​every​ ​day.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​realize​ ​that​ ​I​ ​can​ ​never,​ ​ever,​ ​forget​ ​those​ ​2​ ​years,
what​ ​I​ ​have​ ​learned.​ ​In​ ​the​ ​evening,​ ​a​ ​nagging​ ​dissatisfaction—I’ve​ ​done​ ​too​ ​much​ ​to​ ​just
go​ ​back​ ​and​ ​play​ ​Civ​ ​all​ ​the​ ​time.
Now​ ​that​ ​I​ ​have​ ​seen​ ​what​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​is​ ​like,​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​go​ ​back​ ​to​ ​what​ ​I​ ​was
before…​ ​When​ ​I​ ​was​ ​small,​ ​I​ ​was​ ​hedonistic—the​ ​goal​ ​of​ ​my​ ​life​ ​was​ ​simply​ ​to​ ​be
happy.​ ​I​ ​don’t​ ​believe​ ​in​ ​hedonism​ ​anymore.​ ​I​ ​remember​ ​coming​ ​home​ ​from​ ​school​ ​and
playing​ ​games​ ​on​ ​my​ ​TI-83.​ ​I​ ​can’t​ ​do​ ​that​ ​anymore.​ ​So​ ​utterly​ ​meaningless,​ ​a​ ​waste​ ​of
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time.​ ​Time​ ​is​ ​life,​ ​and​ ​we​ ​must​ ​use​ ​it​ ​wisely.​ ​Every​ ​weekend​ ​I​ ​used​ ​to​ ​aim​ ​to​ ​play​ ​a
different​ ​board​ ​game.​ ​The​ ​past​ ​two​ ​years—every​ ​weekend​ ​was​ ​a​ ​frantic​ ​rush​ ​to​ ​solve​ ​as
many​ ​ISL​ ​problems​ ​as​ ​possible,​ ​leaving​ ​little​ ​time​ ​for​ ​anything​ ​else.​ ​Suppressing
everything​ ​else​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​do,​ ​to​ ​solve​ ​a​ ​problem—and​ ​sometimes​ ​I​ ​was​ ​rewarded,​ ​for
my​ ​time.​ ​These​ ​lessons​ ​of​ ​hard​ ​work,​ ​I​ ​will​ ​never​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​forget.
I​ ​find​ ​solace​ ​in​ ​the​ ​fact​ ​that​ ​my​ ​experiences​ ​have​ ​taught​ ​me​ ​how​ ​to​ ​work​ ​hard,
without​ ​reward.​ ​More​ ​than​ ​anything​ ​else,​ ​I​ ​feel​ ​that​ ​these​ ​experiences​ ​have​ ​helped​ ​me
forge​ ​my​ ​identity.​ ​I​ ​believe​ ​that​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​ultimately​ ​brings​ ​success,​ ​even​ ​more​ ​than
talent,​ ​than​ ​the​ ​desire​ ​for​ ​fame​ ​or​ ​recognition.

I​ ​tried​ ​to​ ​find​ ​meaning​ ​in​ ​life.​ ​Erase​ ​USAMO,​ ​math​ ​competitions,​ ​AwesomeMath,
and​ ​I​ ​would​ ​still​ ​say​ ​that​ ​to​ ​be​ ​happy​ ​is​ ​my​ ​goal​ ​in​ ​life.​ ​If​ ​I​ ​had​ ​won​ ​USAMO,​ ​it​ ​would
undoubtedly​ ​be​ ​work​ ​hard,​ ​because​ ​that​ ​will​ ​bring​ ​success.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​wasn’t​ ​quite​ ​sure
anymore.​ ​My​ ​resolve​ ​and​ ​determination​ ​seemed​ ​like​ ​they​ ​had​ ​been​ ​torn​ ​down.​ ​I​ ​felt​ ​like​ ​I
was​ ​at​ ​a​ ​crossroads​ ​in​ ​my​ ​life,​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​find​ ​the​ ​right​ ​way,​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​seek​ ​a​ ​balance
between​ ​total​ ​devotion​ ​and​ ​leaving​ ​time​ ​for​ ​other​ ​activities.​ ​I​ ​knew​ ​my​ ​spark​ ​of​ ​passion
was​ ​still​ ​there,​ ​though,​ ​and​ ​the​ ​lessons​ ​of​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​I​ ​have​ ​learned.​ ​In​ ​time,​ ​they​ ​would
grow,​ ​be​ ​reborn,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​will​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​proceed.

Conclusion

Math​ ​competitions​ ​are​ ​over;​ ​yet​ ​…

I​ ​realize​ ​that​ ​I​ ​had​ ​motivation​ ​to​ ​continue​ ​working​ ​despite​ ​my​ ​failures.​ ​In​ ​the
previous​ ​years​ ​I​ ​have​ ​been​ ​practicing​ ​with​ ​many​ ​challenging​ ​problems,​ ​and​ ​had
unknowingly​ ​been​ ​building​ ​a​ ​passion​ ​for​ ​problem-solving.​ ​My​ ​motivation​ ​for​ ​the​ ​hard
work​ ​I​ ​put​ ​into​ ​math​ ​is​ ​very​ ​different​ ​from​ ​when​ ​I​ ​started;​ ​now​ ​it​ ​is​ ​to​ ​learn​ ​and​ ​discover
rather​ ​than​ ​to​ ​compete.​ ​I​ ​realize​ ​my​ ​mother​ ​speaks​ ​the​ ​truth,​ ​when​ ​she​ ​constantly
reminded​ ​me​ ​that​ ​“being​ ​the​ ​best​ ​is​ ​not​ ​important.​ ​What​ ​is​ ​important​ ​is​ ​pursuing​ ​your
passion.”

I’m​ ​setting​ ​up​ ​a​ ​schedule​ ​for​ ​what​ ​I’m​ ​going​ ​to​ ​do​ ​this​ ​summer.​ ​Mom​ ​and​ ​I​ ​are
going​ ​to​ ​Taiwan,​ ​and​ ​I’ll​ ​spend​ ​plenty​ ​of​ ​time​ ​with​ ​my​ ​family.​ ​Since​ ​I’m​ ​done​ ​with
Olympiads,​ ​I’ll​ ​start​ ​teaching​ ​myself​ ​college​ ​math—linear​ ​algebra,​ ​real​ ​analysis,​ ​etc.,​ ​and
actually​ ​work​ ​on​ ​a​ ​research​ ​question.​ ​I’ll​ ​do​ ​stuff​ ​that​ ​I​ ​couldn’t​ ​find​ ​time​ ​for
before—read,​ ​draw,​ ​write​ ​stories.​ ​I’ll​ ​save​ ​some​ ​time​ ​for​ ​fun,​ ​though​ ​I’ll​ ​be​ ​sure​ ​to​ ​limit
it.
My​ ​future​ ​is​ ​brightening.​ ​Even​ ​though​ ​MIT​ ​was​ ​not​ ​my​ ​first​ ​choice,​ ​I​ ​look
forward​ ​to​ ​all​ ​that​ ​I​ ​will​ ​learn​ ​in​ ​the​ ​next​ ​four​ ​years,​ ​working​ ​together​ ​with​ ​classmates
driven​ ​by​ ​the​ ​same​ ​passion,​ ​starting​ ​research…

What​ ​is​ ​the​ ​meaning​ ​of​ ​life?​ ​I​ ​think​ ​my​ ​mom​ ​can​ ​put​ ​it​ ​best,​ ​in​ ​her​ ​advice​ ​that​ ​I
have​ ​been​ ​deaf​ ​to​ ​for​ ​the​ ​last​ ​2​ ​years:​ ​What​ ​more​ ​can​ ​you​ ​wish​ ​for​ ​in​ ​life,​ ​than​ ​an
opportunity​ ​to​ ​work​ ​hard​ ​in​ ​a​ ​subject​ ​you​ ​are​ ​passionate​ ​about?

My​ ​mom​ ​recounted​ ​several​ ​stories​ ​about​ ​my​ ​dad:

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 He​ ​often​ ​got​ ​the​ ​best​ ​score​ ​on​ ​math​ ​tests​ ​and​ ​competitions.​ ​Once,​ ​however,​ ​he​ ​got
second​ ​place,​ ​and​ ​was​ ​so​ ​angry​ ​at​ ​himself​ ​that​ ​he​ ​hid​ ​under​ ​his​ ​bed​ ​and​ ​cried.​ ​His​ ​father
told​ ​him​ ​to​ ​come​ ​out,​ ​but​ ​he​ ​refused,​ ​so​ ​his​ ​father​ ​threatened​ ​him​ ​with​ ​a​ ​beating.
As​ ​my​ ​mom​ ​had​ ​known​ ​him,​ ​though,​ ​he​ ​was​ ​dedicated​ ​to​ ​helping​ ​others.​ ​After
finding​ ​out​ ​about​ ​Children​ ​International,​ ​an​ ​organization​ ​that​ ​helps​ ​needy​ ​children​ ​and
their​ ​families,​ ​he​ ​“adopted”​ ​a​ ​child​ ​for​ ​himself​ ​and​ ​for​ ​Ching-An,​ ​too,​ ​as​ ​a​ ​Christmas
present.​ ​She​ ​was​ ​bewildered​ ​and​ ​did​ ​not​ ​appreciate​ ​his​ ​gift;​ ​only​ ​after​ ​many​ ​years​ ​did​ ​she
understand​ ​the​ ​kindness​ ​and​ ​goodwill​ ​he​ ​was​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​spread.
I​ ​took​ ​some​ ​time​ ​to​ ​read​ ​over​ ​the​ ​letters​ ​my​ ​dad’s​ ​students​ ​left​ ​for​ ​him.​ ​I​ ​have
always​ ​known​ ​him​ ​to​ ​be​ ​very​ ​smart,​ ​but​ ​what​ ​his​ ​students​ ​remember​ ​him​ ​for​ ​most​ ​is​ ​how
he​ ​goes​ ​to​ ​great​ ​lengths​ ​to​ ​help​ ​everyone​ ​understand,​ ​how​ ​his​ ​door​ ​was​ ​always​ ​open
when​ ​they​ ​needed​ ​help.
Then,​ ​I​ ​resolved​ ​that​ ​when​ ​I​ ​grew​ ​up​ ​to​ ​be​ ​a​ ​math​ ​professor,​ ​I​ ​would​ ​try​ ​to​ ​be​ ​just
like​ ​him.​ ​I​ ​would​ ​dedicate​ ​myself​ ​to​ ​mathematics​ ​and​ ​pour​ ​in​ ​hard​ ​work​ ​in​ ​my​ ​research
and​ ​studies.​ ​However,​ ​now​ ​I​ ​know,​ ​just​ ​as​ ​he​ ​realized,​ ​that​ ​helping​ ​others​ ​with​ ​my
knowledge​ ​is​ ​just​ ​as​ ​important​ ​as​ ​pursuing​ ​it,​ ​and​ ​much​ ​more​ ​meaningful​ ​than​ ​trying​ ​to
be​ ​better​ ​than​ ​everyone​ ​else.

Epilogue

My​ ​experiences​ ​these​ ​past​ ​two​ ​years​ ​have​ ​been​ ​too​ ​poignant​ ​to​ ​pass​ ​unrecorded.​ ​I
needed​ ​pour​ ​them​ ​out​ ​on​ ​paper.​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​honestly​ ​express​ ​my​ ​feelings.
It​ ​is​ ​not​ ​my​ ​aim​ ​to​ ​offend​ ​anyone,​ ​to​ ​change​ ​anything​ ​(except,​ ​perhaps,​ ​people’s
attitudes).​ ​I​ ​know​ ​some​ ​of​ ​my​ ​outbursts​ ​are​ ​unwarranted​ ​or​ ​inaccurate.​ ​But​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​to
capture​ ​my​ ​thoughts​ ​and​ ​feelings,​ ​though​ ​sometimes,​ ​even​ ​to​ ​me,​ ​they​ ​seem​ ​like​ ​little
more​ ​than​ ​the​ ​ravings​ ​of​ ​a​ ​madman.​ ​You​ ​can​ ​judge​ ​for​ ​yourself.
For​ ​those​ ​of​ ​you​ ​starting​ ​on​ ​math​ ​competitions,​ ​or​ ​training​ ​for​ ​them,​ ​what​ ​advice
is​ ​there​ ​for​ ​me​ ​to​ ​give​ ​you?​ ​There​ ​is​ ​little​ ​I​ ​can​ ​really​ ​tell​ ​you—just​ ​start​ ​early,​ ​and​ ​don’t
get​ ​too​ ​crazy​ ​about​ ​winning,​ ​I​ ​guess.​ ​See​ ​math​ ​for​ ​what​ ​it​ ​is.​ ​You’ll​ ​have​ ​to​ ​glean​ ​what
you​ ​can​ ​from​ ​the​ ​essay.
For​ ​those​ ​of​ ​you,​ ​who​ ​have​ ​been​ ​more​ ​successful​ ​at​ ​Olympiads​ ​than​ ​I​ ​have—I
simply​ ​want​ ​you​ ​to​ ​acknowledge​ ​what​ ​life​ ​would​ ​like​ ​if​ ​you​ ​hadn’t,​ ​even​ ​despite​ ​all​ ​your
hard​ ​work…​ ​To​ ​understand​ ​that​ ​spark​ ​of​ ​passion,​ ​that​ ​determination,​ ​should​ ​be
independent​ ​of​ ​success.​ ​(Sure,​ ​everyone​ ​can​ ​work​ ​hard​ ​when​ ​reward​ ​is​ ​certain.​ ​But​ ​what
if​ ​it​ ​isn’t?)
I​ ​need​ ​to​ ​qualify​ ​my​ ​beliefs:​ ​math​ ​competitions​ ​aren’t​ ​completely​ ​bad;​ ​you​ ​can
learn​ ​a​ ​lot​ ​from​ ​preparing​ ​for​ ​them.​ ​Team​ ​competitions​ ​actually​ ​teach​ ​people​ ​to​ ​work
together.​ ​I’m​ ​not​ ​advocating​ ​that​ ​you​ ​should​ ​shut​ ​yourself​ ​in​ ​your​ ​room​ ​and​ ​do​ ​math
problems​ ​all​ ​day;​ ​everyone​ ​needs​ ​to​ ​find​ ​their​ ​own​ ​balance.​ ​I​ ​have​ ​met​ ​plenty​ ​of​ ​smart
people​ ​who​ ​are​ ​kind​ ​and​ ​helpful,​ ​who​ ​don’t​ ​fit​ ​into​ ​my​ ​stereotypes​ ​at​ ​all.

I​ ​just​ ​want​ ​others​ ​to​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​understand​ ​what​ ​I​ ​have​ ​gone​ ​through​ ​and
acknowledge​ ​my​ ​viewpoints.​ ​I​ ​want​ ​to​ ​offer​ ​my​ ​story​ ​and​ ​my​ ​sympathy​ ​to​ ​others​ ​who
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have​ ​worked​ ​hard,​ ​encountered​ ​failure,​ ​and​ ​despaired—I​ ​want​ ​to​ ​show​ ​you​ ​are​ ​not​ ​alone.
Together,​ ​we​ ​can​ ​put​ ​this​ ​behind​ ​us,​ ​and​ ​start​ ​a​ ​journey​ ​into​ ​mathematics​ ​not​ ​fueled​ ​by
selfish​ ​desires,​ ​by​ ​fame​ ​and​ ​glory,​ ​but​ ​by​ ​a​ ​true​ ​passion.

Thank​ ​you​ ​for​ ​taking​ ​the​ ​time​ ​to​ ​read​ ​this.

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Some​ ​Notes​ ​on​ ​Writing​ ​This​ ​Essay

This​ ​is​ ​undoubtedly​ ​the​ ​hardest​ ​piece​ ​I​ ​have​ ​had​ ​to​ ​write.​ ​To​ ​put​ ​my​ ​jumble​ ​of
thoughts​ ​together​ ​into​ ​some​ ​coherent​ ​piece,​ ​to​ ​try​ ​to​ ​find​ ​some​ ​meaning…​ ​I​ ​felt​ ​like​ ​I
was​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​organize​ ​my​ ​brain.​ ​I​ ​started​ ​just​ ​jotting​ ​down​ ​thoughts​ ​as​ ​they​ ​came​ ​to​ ​me,
35​ ​pages​ ​of​ ​almost​ ​pure​ ​stream-of-consciousness.
Stuff​ ​in​ ​italics​ ​are​ ​largely​ ​unedited​ ​thoughts.

Background

AoPS-​ ​Art​ ​of​ ​Problem​ ​Solving,​ ​online​ ​math​ ​community/​ ​website

AIME-​ ​(2​nd​​ ​round)​ ​American​ ​Invitational​ ​Mathematics​ ​Competition
AMC-​ ​(1​st​​ ​round)​ ​American​ ​Mathematics​ ​Competition
IMO-​ ​International​ ​Mathematics​ ​Olympiad
ISL-​ ​IMO​ ​Shortlist​ ​(problems​ ​proposed​ ​for​ ​IMO)
MOP-​ ​Mathematical​ ​Olympiad​ ​(Summer)​ ​Program
Putnam-​ ​Undergraduate​ ​math​ ​competition
USAMO-​ ​(3​rd​​ ​round)​ ​USA​ ​Mathematics​ ​Olympiad​ ​(like​ ​IMO,​ ​6​ ​problems,​ ​generally​ ​2x
4.5​ ​hours,​ ​1/4​ ​easy,​ ​2/5​ ​medium,​ ​3/6​ ​hard).​ ​Top​ ​12​ ​winners​ ​get​ ​to​ ​participate​ ​in​ ​Black
MOP.​ ​6​ ​team​ ​members​ ​are​ ​picked​ ​also​ ​using​ ​TST​ ​score.​ ​People​ ​who​ ​are​ ​not​ ​in​ ​12​th​​ ​grade
can​ ​make​ ​it​ ​to​ ​Blue​ ​MOP​ ​with​ ​a​ ​lower​ ​qualifying​ ​score;​ ​people​ ​in​ ​9th​​ ​ ​grade​ ​can​ ​make​ ​it​ ​to
Red​ ​MOP​ ​with​ ​an​ ​even​ ​lower​ ​qualifying​ ​score
TST-​ ​Team​ ​Selection​ ​Test

Dr.​ ​Andreescu-​ ​Director​ ​of​ ​the​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​program.​ ​A​ ​big​ ​thanks​ ​to​ ​him​ ​for​ ​always
being​ ​supportive​ ​of​ ​me​ ​and​ ​making​ ​AwesomeMath​ ​what​ ​it​ ​is!

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