1

Act I

Scene I

[A Bar. Next to it is a little raised platform or a space, just a space enough for a small show to
go on.
EARL is keeping bar as the audience walks in. Maybe he’s even serving them. Actors are
bartenders, it can happen.
A man enters. He’s JOE. He’s important.
The play should begin before the audience realizes it. JOE’s entrance is the start of the show.
Lights should shift while he awkwardly sits. If there are audience members still up there, that
would be so awesome, but they should be escorted to their seats.]

EARL
You want something?

JOE
Yeah.

[Long ass pause]

JOE
One second.

EARL
That’s fine, take your time.

[He makes some deciding noises.]

[While JOE tries to decide, four women enter the space. They start to set up while he stays, stuck
to the bar]

EARL
Sup, Glitz

GLITZ
Hey Earl!

[They do a stupid handshake]

EARL
Boom, baby!

PATTI
Hi, Earl.
 2

[TAFFYTA has opened a suitcase. PATTI starts looking through it.]

SU
Hey

EARL
What’s good, Su?

SU
I don’t know, what?

[She’s texting on her phone, not paying attention]

PATTI CAKES
Hey, Ta?

TAFFYTA
Yeah?

PATTI CAKES
You got the thing?

TAFFYTA
The what?

PATTI CAKE
The thing
The thing, you know the…the THING.

TAFFY TA
What’s the thing, do, Pat?

PATTI CAKES
It does the thing with the sound and the
Oh my god, why’m I blanking, it’s the…the…oh my god, what is it

GLITZ
When’s Holly getting here?

TAFFY TA
I don’t know

SU SIN
She’s coming in like ten minutes
 3

PATTI CAKES
What’s the damn thing called

GLITZ
We’re starting in like ten minutes

SU SIN
So we’ll start in eleven minutes

PATTI CAKES
We need it, really bad

SU SIN
What, this? [Holds up a cord]

PATTI CAKES
Yes!

TAFFY TA
OH, the thing!
That thing, yeah. There it is.

[PATTI grabs the cord, goes about getting the technical shit set up]

JOE
Oh, wait, I think –
What beers do you have?

[EARL lists beers while the following exchange happens]

GLITZ
She always does this

SU SIN
Trains are bad

PATTI CAKES
Testingtesting Nope

GLITZ
Maybe she should leave earlier.

PATTI CAKES
1, 2, nope
Earl?
 4

EARL
Yeah?

PATTI CAKES
The sound, it’s

EARL
Oh, yeah, hold up

SU SIN
She’ll be here, keep your pasties on

GLITZ
She’s never here on time

EARL
Try it now

PATTI CAKES
Testing testing testing titties testing titties titties titties

EARL
You got it!

[She adjusts the volume]

JOE
Did you say you had Rolling Rock?

EARL
Nope.

GLITZ
Isn’t there a saying?
Being on time is late?
15 minutes early is on time?

SU SIN
Yeah, for like job interviews and work and stuff and that shit isn’t even true, people are always
running late, sometimes you can be on time to be on time.

PATTI CAKES
When you’re in Show Biz
The rules
do not
apply-apply [like an echo]
 5

TAFFY TA
Don’t do that into the microphone, that’s creepy.
Stop.

JOE
Do you have Seagrams?

EARL
No.

GLITZ
Whose side are you on?

PATTI
There isn’t a side to really be on, is there?

JOE
What do you have?

EARL
Here

[Hands him a menu. Joe takes it like Why couldn’t you have given this to me 5 pages ago, Earl
smirks like Man, it’s funnier this way lol lol lol ]

GLITZ
We have a call time

SU SIN
God, will you just drop it

GLITZ
It’s just –

SU SIN
What’s your deal?

[TAFFY leaves to get dressed in the bathroom. EARL watches her go]

GLITZ
Ummm I guess professionalism is my deal? Since I’m trying to be a professional or whatever.

SU SIN
Right
 6

GLITZ
Right! I know, right, right, Right.

SU SIN
She’ll be here.

GLITZ
It’s just –

SU SIN
Be good, kitten.

[She stalks away. GLITZ fumes]

GLITZ
That’s not my fucking name.

PATTI CAKES
You gotta problem, Sugar baby?

GLITZ
That’s not my name, she knows it’s not my name -

PATTI CAKES
Oh come on, come here.

[She pulls in GLITZ for a kiss.]

PATTI CAKES
You gonna tell mama what the matter is?

GLITZ
Ew, no, stop.

PATTI CAKES
What?

GLITZ
Please don’t refer to yourself as mama, not ever, ever, ever but especially not after we’ve kissed.

PATTI CAKES
I was just trying something new.

GLITZ
Yeahh well, it’s gross.
 7

PATTI CAKES
Come on, what’s wrong?

GLITZ
I’m just…I hate being the stupid stage kitten.

PATTI CAKES
It’s been a month

GLITZ
Yeah, I know but come on! I have a set, I can-

PATTI CAKES
Come on, baby girl, don’t be like this, you need to earn your stripes.

GLITZ
But she’s so –

PATTI CAKES
Don’t say it

GLITZ
-LAME.

PATTI CAKES
That’s mean.

[She kisses her]

GLITZ
Nobody likes her shit.

PATTI CAKES
Come on

GLITZ
Her old fashioned take it off slow shit and that music, that fucking MUSIC, why does it all sound
like it’s underwater?

PATTI CAKES
Go get dressed, will ya?

[TAFFY TA comes out wearing a robe.]

PATTI CAKES
We’ll be right back
 8

TAFFY TA
Don’t make too much of a mess

PATTI CAKES
Sure

[Drags GLITZ off with their stuff]

TAFFTYA
Seriously, it’s already gross in there!

JOE
I think I’ll just have the Jack the Ripper.
That sounds like fun.

EARL
Good choice.

JOE
Thanks.
I’m just killing time.

EARL
Yeah, I got that.

JOE
Yup.
Just a guy.
Out on the town.

EARL
Okay.

JOE
Ready to look for…ready to go and…find a good time, looking to find a good time.

EARL
What?

JOE
I’m just…looking to have fun. Tonight.

[EARL gives him a pause which includes intense side eye]

EARL
 9

Here.
Drink your drink, man.

[Hands him his drink]

JOE
Thanks,
[Downs it]
Can I get another?
EARL
Sure.

[HOLLY DAYE enters. She’s dressed like she’s incognito from the paparazzi from the 1950s.
Except she’s wearing sneakers.]

SU
You’re late

HOLLY DAYE
I know

SU
Everything okay?

HOLLY DAYE
Yeah, yes, I just got stuck at work

SU
Something happened?

HOLLY DAYE
Lots of shit happens, shit always happens, do I give a shit about what happens? No, but do I
have to deal with it? Always. Fucking. Always.

SU
That sucks.

HOLLY DAYE
It’s like nobody’s ever seen a photocopier, like it’s the most intense creation ever created, Jesus
Harry Christ, you know? It’s not that fucking difficult to troubleshoot that shit, it’s like nobody
has ever heard of Google, you know, it’s the 21st century, all you have to do is literally ask
Google a question and it answers. How the fuck do I unjam the copier? Why the fuck is the
copier on fire, just GOOGLE IT, God.
It’s retarded.
I’m sorry, that’s not PC, it’s …
 10

SU
Foolish?

HOLLY DAYE
Sure, that. Thanks. You always know what to say.

SU
No I don’t.

HOLLY DAYE
Yeah, you do. You’re the best.

SU
Ah, well.
You still have to get in costume

HOLLY DAYE
I am in costume.

SU
Oh?

[HOLLY DAYE sits down, puts on ridiculous shoes]

HOLLY DAYE
All right, now I’m in costume.

SU
Glitz was worried.

HOLLY DAYE
That’s hilarious.
Doesn’t she know?
A diva is always on time.

SU
I tried to tell her

HOLLY DAYE
Is she even ready?

SU
She’s with Patti in the bathroom.

HOLLY DAYE
God, lesbians are like the horniest
 11

SU
Not really

HOLLY
Yeah, I read it somewhere

SU
Where?

HOLLY
I dunno, online somewhere, and I mean, they can’t keep their hands off of each other so yeah,
they’re the horniest, they’re obviously the horniest.

SU
Oh, sure.

[She walks over to the bar]

HOLLY DAYE
Hi Earl.

EARL
‘Sup Holly

HOLLY DAYE
We’re about ready to get started.

EARL
That’s cool, I’ll get the lights for you.

HOLLY DAYE
Great. Thanks.

EARL
Sure.
Let me know if you need anything else.

SU [to Holly]
Shouldn’t we wait for –

HOLLY
Oh, she’ll hear me.

TAFFY TA
I’ll get the –
 12

[But HOLLY has already bogarted the mic. She’s tapping it, welcoming everyone to the show]

JOE
What’s going on?

EARL
Oh, that? Yeah, it’s just a thing, we got bands that play here sometimes. Theatre shows.

HOLLY DAYE
How is everybody out here tonight?

JOE
What’s this?

EARL
The Burlesque

HOLLY DAYE
How is everybody doing tonight? It looks like we have quite a sexy crowd out there. Some new
faces and some old familiar - I see you, Richie, don’t try to hide, I see you there, giving me the
eyes.
Now, I’m Miss. Holly Daye, I like to live my life like everyday is a holiday. I’ll be your host for
this evening, this evening’s burlesque at John’s Bar! We want to give a big thank you to John’s
Bar for allowing us to come on in and show you what we got.
Now, I want you to do something very important, I want you to clap your hands if this is your
very first Burlesque show.
[Hopefully an intense round of applause]
Oh my, a lot of virgins out there in the audience tonight! How exciting, how lovely.
Well, if you don’t know, tonight, in this burlesque, you’re going to see a lot of twists
And some turns
And, of course, a lot of skin
[Reveals some skin]
That means nudity
And what we want you to do, what we need you to do is be loud, we want you to cheer, we want
you to stomp your feet and clap your hands when you see something that you wanna see, when
you see something you wanna see maybe a little bit more of
And we’ll think about showing it to you
If you’re very very good
And we wanna be just a little bit bad.
But first I want to introduce you to
Glitz!
Glitz has a very important job tonight, she is our stage kitten. Which means she has the honor of
picking up our clothes from the floor so once we’ve disrobed we don’t have anything to worry
about. It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it and that person is Glitz, give her a round of
applause.
 13

Now, in addition to being our stage kitten, Glitz’s going to do a little dance for us. And I want
you all to feel free to go up to Glitz and give her a little somethingsomething for her troubles. If
you like what you see, that is.
Now, without further ado, GLITZ!

[GLITZ appears and she is not in the most glamorous of outfits. It’s kinda baby-like. And she’s
not that great at the dance. She’s a little jerky and awkward, but she’s really good at eye contact
and is very charismatic. That’s definitely her redeeming factor.]

EARL
Give her a dollar

JOE
What?

EARL
Stick it in her

JOE
What?!

EARL
Not like that, pervert, like, in her clothes

JOE
She’s not wearing any clothes!

EARL
Are you like a prude or something?

JOE
No, I just –

EARL
You are, you’re a prude, Prude

JOE
Shut up

EARL
Yo, Glitz!

[GLITZ dances over.]

GLITZ
Yeah?
 14

EARL
He wants to give you a dollar

GLITZ
Give me a dollar

JOE
I don’t want to give you a dollar

GLITZ
All right

[Starts to dance away]

EARL
Come on, man, how you think they make money?

JOE
You don’t pay them?

EARL
The fuck you think this is man, no, we don’t pay them, they make their own money and there’s
nobody here, how’re they supposed to make money when there’s nobody here, and here you sit,
knocking back Jack the Rippers like they’re water, you know how much that shit running you?

JOE
What, no, how much -

EARL
Man, give her a dollar, man, you said you wanted to get sexy or some shit tonight, right?

JOE
Oh…kay

EARL
Yo, Glitz!

[She dances over again. Smiling but truly annoyed]

GLITZ
What?

EARL
He wants to give you a twenty
 15

JOE
Dude

GLITZ
All right!

[GLITZ shimmies in place. JOE slowly takes a ten out of his wallet]
[GLITZ speaks through a grimaced smile]

GLITZ
Ohmygodhurrythesongisalmostover

JOE
Here, here

[He holds out the crumpled bill.]

JOE
Here

GLITZ
Stick it in my tits

JOE
No

GLITZ
You’re making me look like an idiot, stick
It
In

JOE
No

GLITZ
My
Tits!

[JOE kind of haphazardly throws the bill and it lands on the floor. GLITZ laughs. A lot. She
bends down to pick it up and sticks it in her bra.
The music ends, HOLLY gets up to speak]

HOLLY
Give it up for Glitz!

GLITZ
 16

What’s your name, nervous?

HOLLY
We have a great show for you tonight

JOE
Joseph

HOLLY
So without further ado

GLITZ
I like you, Joe.

HOLLY
Here’s the show

JOE
It’s not –

GLITZ
I like you a lot.
Enjoy the show.

[Loud music and Intense blackout]

Scene II

[After the show. JOE is sitting at the bar, drinking a cup of coffee. GLITZ comes over. EARL
gets her drink]

EARL
Good show, Glitz, good job

GLITZ
Thanks, Earl.
Oh my God, Joe!

JOE
It’s Joseph

GLITZ
You’re still here?
 17

JOE
Yeah. I watched the whole thing, the whole – thing

GLITZ
What’re you drinking

EARL
Nothing, nothing he’s not drinking nothing no more

JOE
Coffee

EARL
Yeah, coffee, you better drink that coffee like how you were drinking Jack the Rippers

JOE
It’s too hot

EARL
How can coffee be too hot, put some milk in it

GLITZ
Yeah, put some milk in it

JOE
I don’t

GLITZ
Put some ice in it.

JOE
That’s disgusting

GLITZ
What, it cools it down

JOE
Waters it down

GLITZ
Milk ruins the taste

JOE
Whatever, I’m not putting ice in my coffee!

GLITZ
 18

Did you know

When you chew on ice that means you’re like
Sexually repressed?

JOE
Then I should be chewing a bag of ice

GLITZ
Why?

JOE
You don’t wanna know

GLITZ
Yes I do

JOE
You’re a stranger

GLITZ
No, I’m Glitz

JOE
Glitz

GLITZ
Yeah, Glitz, everyone calls me Glitz, I’m Glitz.

JOE
What does the government call you

GLITZ
Oh, they don’t.
A name is really important, I don’t know why you keep trying to insist that your name is Joseph
when you’re so clearly a Joe

JOE
We just met

GLITZ
Yeah, and you aura and persona and everything is screaming Joe, Earl, isn’t Joe a Joe?

EARL
Sure

GLITZ
 19

See, Earl agrees with me

Why are you sexually repressed?

JOE
I’m not

GLITZ
You literally just said you were

EARL
Yeah, you did

JOE
I’m not talking to you

EARL
So I’m a bartender I’m only here to serve you, I’m not supposed to have a thought, I can’t
contribute to the conversation?

JOE
No

EARL
Man, drink your coffee

[Somebody calls EARL away.]

JOE
Aren’t you tired? After that?

GLITZ
No, I’m on fire, can’t you see?
I’m burning

JOE
You don’t look like you’re on fire

GLITZ
Invisible flames. They’re lapping at my skin

JOE
And you have nowhere to go

GLITZ
I want to talk to you
 20

JOE
Why?

GLITZ
Because! You’re interesting!
And my girlfriend already left
She has work in the morning and had to go to sleep, I don’t have to go to sleep for another 10
hours, at least

JOE
You’re crazy

GLITZ
Why are you sexually repressed?

JOE
Why do you want to know?

GLITZ
I’m obsessed with sex.

JOE
Wow

GLITZ
I just want literally everybody in the world to get laid.

JOE
Oh

GLITZ
I think the saddest thing is when people don’t fuck when they want to fuck. If people don’t want
to fuck and they don’t fuck, that’s fine, it’s all about the wanting, if you want to not to then it’s
great if you don’t because you’re fulfilling your want but if you really want to and you’re not,
that’s fucking sad and I want to help get you laid.

JOE
How do you know I want to

GLITZ
You so obviously want to

JOE
You don’t know me

GLITZ
 21

No, I don’t know YOU

But I know you want to

JOE
How

GLITZ [To Joe]

Earl

JOE
No, Joseph

GLITZ
No, Earl, Earl, the way you’re looking at Earl
You’re like…thirsty for him.

JOE
No

GLITZ
I mean, like, everyone is!
I am

JOE
You are?

GLITZ
Yeah, he’s disgustingly hot.

JOE
What about your girlfriend?

GLITZ
Patti doesn’t care, she knows I’m not going to do anything with him, I just like to look at him.

JOE
And she likes to look at him too

GLITZ
What, no, she doesn’t like men

JOE
But you do

GLITZ
Yeah
 22

JOE
And you’re in a relationship with a woman

GLITZ
Oh. My. God. You’re one of those

JOE
One of who, who am I

GLITZ
You’re a gay guy who hates bisexuals and doesn’t think we exist or think we’re disgusting, well
I do exist and I’m not disgusting and just because I like to admit that Earl is hot as fuck doesn’t
mean I’m going to grab his cock and start sucking him off behind the bar, I’m in a committed
relationship and was only bringing up my attraction to Earl because I was trying to make you
feel more comfortable because you’re obviously sitting over here drooling over him and I’m
sorry I even came over here and called you Joe and said anything because I don’t have to be
judged, okay, I don’t

JOE
No, I’m not, I’m not gay

GLITZ
What?

JOE
I’m like…
You

GLITZ
Why do you sound so sad when you say that?

JOE
Because I’m…I’ve never….

GLITZ
You want to get laid by a dude

JOE
I don’t
I do

GLITZ
JOE, Joe, that’s magical, that’s yes, yes, let’s do it
 23

JOE
Why are you

GLITZ
I’m like the Fuck Fairy, I want to provide Fucks for everybody in the world!

[She grabs JOE’s hand.]

JOE
What are you doing

GLITZ
Let’s go get you fucked.

[She pulls him off stage. It turns into a dance that leads into -]

Scene III

[JOE is standing next to a wall in a club. He is awkwardly sipping a drink. It would be great if
his shirt matched the wall. A couple of guys, holding hands, walk towards him, he gets out of
their way, let’s them pass. Looks – knows they’re going to fuck in the bathroom. How does that
make him feel? He has no idea. Kinda excited and gross.
He’s still looking at the spot where they were when SAM comes up next to him]

SAM
Hey

JOE
I’m sorry

[Moves to step aside]

SAM
What are you doing?

JOE
You wanted to pass?

SAM
No, no, I was

JOE
Oh my god, were you

SAM/JOE
 24

Saying hey/saying hi?

[They laugh. Like nerds]

SAM
Yeah, yeah I was.

JOE
I’m sorry, I’ve just been standing here all night, and it’s right next to the bathrooms so
everybody’s been trying to get past –

SAM
Why’ve you been standing there then?

JOE
It’s the closest I could get to the wall.

SAM
Oh, cool.

[SAM starts to dance next to JOE, JOE establishes his boundary by pretending not to notice and
moving away from SAM. SAM doesn’t respect his boundaries and follows]

SAM
So.

JOE
So!

SAM
Why are you hiding back here?

JOE
I’m not hiding.

SAM
Making love to the wall

JOE
What?

SAM
You’re not hiding so you must be –

JOE
Making love to the wall?
 25

SAM
You’re not?

JOE
No, no, the wall is…not my type

SAM
Then what is your type?

JOE
I just came. With a friend.

SAM
Oh yeah?

JOE
Yup.

SAM
So where is he now?

JOE
Oh, I just…gone, went home.

SAM
So early?

JOE
Yeah. Early, I know, right?

SAM
Yeah.

JOE
I’m standing next to the wall so nobody sees me.

SAM
So you are hiding

JOE
No, no I mean…so I’m invisible?

SAM
Well, you’re not. I can totally see you.
 26

[SAM tries to dance with JOE again. JOE tries to dance back but really can’t bring himself to
do it]

JOE
Never mind
I should –

SAM
Don’t go

JOE
I’m trying to remember how to be. Here.

SAM
You are here.

[He gets close to JOE. JOE freaks]

JOE
I can’t do this

SAM
Oh, come on, it only 1:30, that’s too early for a meltdown.

JOE
I’m not melting down

SAM
Then stay. Dance.

JOE
I don’t think so.

SAM
You don’t remember how to do that either?

JOE
Nope. Not at all.

SAM
Yeah. I get that. I mean, look at everybody here. It’s like…really intimidating.

JOE
Stop

SAM
 27

How they’re all just bouncing in place

JOE
I get it

SAM
In the dark
with no one looking.

JOE
I like to watch.

SAM
Don’t be That Guy.

JOE
I’m not That Guy

SAM
Right now you are, you are totally being That Guy right now.

JOE
God, don’t say that.

SAM
Here

[He starts bobbing his head to the music.]

JOE
What are you –

SAM
Start up here, right here, in the head
Uh uh uh uh

JOE
No-

SAM
Come on, I’m not watching, nobody’s watching, the wall, she might be watching but who cares,
she’s a bitch, come on
Uh uh uh uh

[JOE begrudgingly starts bobbing his head]

 28

SAM
And uh uh uh, say it

JOE
I don’t know why

SAM
Bass, speak the bass bass bass uh uh uh

JOE
Uh uh uh

SAM
Yeah, that’s it, you got it!
You can stop with the uh’s you sound stupid,
Now the shoulders
Side to side to side to side

[He does the shoulders. JOE starts to do the shoulders, too]

SAM
Side to side to side
Come on, say it

JOE
Side to si-

SAM
Don’t say it, just do it, right, you got this yeah
Now the head and shoulders, together

[JOE does this. SAM gets more into it]

SAM
Add legs, add the legs, add the legs!
Bouncewithmebouncewithmebouncebouncebounce

[JOE starts bouncing. The song changes, it’s something like 7/11 but obviously not, who can
afford that shit, but it’s something like it, really fun and bouncing.
SAM gets closer.]

JOE
What are you doing?

SAM
Dancing with you.
 29

What’re you doing?

[They dance together. It turns into a whole dance sequence. Yes, it does. It’s fucking magical.
It should end with JOE and SAM being together, clear they’re gonna go do the sex.]

Scene IV

[SAMM has a really thick Brooklyn accent. She gives off the impression of chewing gum even
though she’s never chewing gum. Her Burlesque moves are tight but her “Acting normal”
moves are robotic and funny.]

SAMM
Hi, guys, welcome to my YouTube.
My name’s Sammantha, with two M’s, but you can call me Samm.
With two M’s.
So tuhday, I’ll be teaching youse some basic Burlesque moves.
So first off, you should like feel really comfortable, like don’t be self conscious or nothing, shut
the shades, pour yourself some wine, nobody’s watching, everybody’s gotta start somewhere and
all that.
Okay, so I’m gonna teach youse a really basic move, it’s like so basic it don’t even got a name,
but I guess if it did it would be like, I dunno, the Slap n Tap, okay so what we’re gonna do is get
our right leg and our right hand and like put ‘em out like this.

[GLITZ appears. She is watching the video and will practice along to it. She faces the audience
when she does these moves]

SAMM
That’s like, really great, I can tell, so do it again, stick out your right leg and then your right
hand, and then Slap n Tap, awesome, you’re like a real natural, it’s great, I’m so excited for you
okay so we’re gonna do that same thing but now to the left side so let’s do it.
Nice, nice, so now, remember, eye contact, get your eyes up and make that contact and then
come forward and slap. Slap, good. Good.
So now let’s add a little step and a roll, you gonna step and roll your hip, step step roll the hip
All right, ladies, now we’re gonna add the final step, the walk, we’re gonna walk and walk walk
walk and turn, okay? Walk, walk, walk turn, turn.

Scene V

[HOLLY is in a robe, one that’s old fashioned with feathers on the bottom. She walks to a
record player. She puts a record on, it’s something old fashioned. Breathes in the music, sways
with it for a little bit before
The insane buzzing of a doorbell disrupts her trance.
She walks over to her intercom and pushes Door without even bothering to listen to who it is
She sways and lipsyncs with the music for a little bit, slipping back into the fantasy before the
knocking chases it away.
She walks over to the door, opens it, SU is there. She’s soaking wet]
 30

SU
Hey, hey, hey sorry

HOLLY
There you are

SU
I’m so sorry, the trains -

HOLLY
You’re soaked

SU
Yeah, it just started, but

HOLLY
Are you okay?

SU
Yeah, no, I’m sorry I’m so late, the trains, I didn’t know the 7 wasn’t running

HOLLY
Jesus Christ, is that train ever running?

SU
Right, and then the rain just fucked up all the other trains and

HOLLY
Let me get you a –

SU
No, it’s fine

HOLLY
No, really, you’re dripping all over the carpet -

[HOLLY gets a towel for her. SU awkwardly stands with it, patting at her head. HOLLY starts
to pour drinks for the two of them]

HOLLY
You should take off your pants, too.

SU
I can’t
 31

HOLLY
No, I’ll put them on the radiator. The heat’s coming up, they’ll be toasty when you put them
back on. There’s nothing worse than wet clothes, you must be uncomfortable.

SU
I haven’t…I didn’t shave, so –

HOLLY
Who cares, pretend you’re French.
Oooh, let’s pretend that we’re in Paris!
None of those European women shave their hair and they’re like the most beautiful people in the
world so let it grow! Just get it groomed for the show.

SU
Yeah, obviously.

HOLLY
I love warm pants. And warm panties. They’re the best.
Fresh out the dryer panties are literally heaven.

[Brings her a drink; clinks them together before giving one to SU]

HOLLY
Come on, take your pants off.
Before they cut the heat.

[SU awkwardly takes her pants off. At some point before, SU was wearing a jacket that she took
off, too. She’s just wearing a black tank top and no bra, oh, and panties, they’re probably red or
black, she looks fucking hot.
But taking her pants off is like the opposite of sexy, it’s awkward and delightful.]

SU
What are you wearing?

HOLLY
Oh, a new outfit. Do you like? Pretty glamorous, right?

SU
You made it?

HOLLY
I enhanced it.
Would you mind fitting me? While we talked?

[She opens her robe, she’s wearing something really sexy. SU is like fuck.
We’re all probably like fuck to some degree.]
 32

HOLLY
My friend Shandy usually comes by to do it but she’s out, she’s vacationing to Venezuela –
Venezuela, can you imagine, so exotic,
And I figure since we’re talking business and this is technically for business and since you’re so
good at it, you wouldn’t mind…?

[She lets the robe drop, pooling to her feet.]

SU
No, I don’t mind. I can do both, talk and…this.

[SU comes behind her, starts touching the fabric on her body. Lets her hand brush HOLLY’s
skin]

HOLLY
That tickles

SU
Sorry

HOLLY
And your hands are cold

SU
From all the rain

[SU starts to rub her hands together but HOLLY turns around and cups them in her hands and
rubs them a little bit. She blows on them a little]

HOLLY
Better?

[SU nods. HOLLY lets go. SU doesn’t want her to let go. She snaps out of it, she starts doing
some costume shit I know nothing about but it should all be sexy as hell.]

SU
So. I heard back. From The Glass Room.

HOLLY
Oh yeah?

SU
Yeah.

HOLLY
 33

What was their excuse?

SU
They weren’t sure about the theme

HOLLY
Fuck

SU
We really need a theme, Holly

HOLLY
The theme is that there is no theme, why doesn’t anybody get that?

SU
It’s not the strongest selling point, I think?

HOLLY
Jesus.
The theme is that we’re five badass sexy powerful women with our own themes that all come
together to be the best fucking dancers there ever was.

SU
That’s like really general? Though? You know?
Like, that’s kind of…you’ve just basically described every burlesque troupe there ever was?

HOLLY
Discordance is edgy.

SU
Not really.

HOLLY
It is! We’re a cacophony of women! How fucking amazing is that?

SU
I’m just telling you what they said.
And what like…all the other places have said.

HOLLY
Who’s the most discordant?
Is it TaffyTa? Do you think it’s TaffyTa?

SU
We’re all pretty different
 34

HOLLY
Yeah, but she’s the most different.
All that movement, she always messes up the flow.
Don’t you think she messes up the flow?

SU
I mean, maybe

HOLLY
She’s such a name, though

SU
I know.

HOLLY
Shit. What the fuck are we supposed to do? We waste so much time at that shitty bar.

SU
I know, I know, but I was actually thinking...We’ve never done a holiday show but I think we
should. And I mean, we’ll still do it at John’s Bar but we’ll invite people to come out to see it,
important people, all types. I’m thinking, we could make postcards? Hand them out, put them
around so that we start making a concrete name for ourselves.

HOLLY
Um, that’s fucking awesome

SU
Yeah, right?
And I think a holiday show will seem the less…discordant-y? Because it’s basically a built in
theme

HOLLY
If only we didn’t have to do it at John’s Bar.

SU
This will get us out

HOLLY
I’m so sick of it. The crackly sound system, the shitty bathroom and doing make up in that
fucking lighting. The only good thing it’s got going for it is the location. And Earl.

SU
Earl?

HOLLY
Yeah, he’s obnoxiously hot.
 35

SU
Oh.

HOLLY
My God, the things I would do to him

SU
Kay.

HOLLY
What, you wouldn’t?

SU
Oh, I don’t know

HOLLY
God, I would.

SU
So I was thinking of putting together a target list of people to invite, start a google doc and

HOLLY
He’s distractingly hot.
If only he had a personality to match.

SU
You don’t like him?

HOLLY
I’d fuck him. In a heartbeat, I’d fuck him hard. But he’s like…clueless. He just stands at that
bar and chills. All night. And I mean, what is he, over thirty and a career bartender? Please.
But you don’t need to like someone to fuck them. It actually helps when you hate them. God,
I’m horny.

SU
Oh.

HOLLY
It’s been three months.

SU
That’s okay, I didn’t ask

HOLLY
 36

Three months! Three, I can’t, how long does it take for cobwebs to start growing down there, I
think it’s happening

SU
Cobwebs don’t grow, they’re not plants

HOLLY
Fine, dusty, it’s dusty down there

SU
I can check it for you.

[Awkward pause. HOLLY starts to laugh, she thinks SU has made a joke. SU laughs along like
haha ha, yeah that was a joke! Y.up]

HOLLY
You’re hilarious.

SU
I am a fucking clown.

HOLLY
How long’s it been for you?

SU
Oh, a while.

HOLLY
Yeah but how long?

SU
Long time.

HOLLY
Longer than me or…?

SU
I think we should plan on getting a videographer there for the holiday show, at the very least a
professional photographer

HOLLY
Come on, Su, I told you mine

SU
This is a business meeting
 37

HOLLY
Come on, we never just hang out, don’t you want to hang out with me?

SU
A really, really, really long fucking time, all right? That’s how long it’s been.

[Beat]

HOLLY
I’m sorry

SU
No it’s…fine

HOLLY
No, really, I didn’t mean…I just…I don’t have a lot of girlfriends that I can just talk to. I didn’t
mean to make you uncomfortable –

SU
I’m not uncomfortable

HOLLY
-or anything
Okay.

[There’s a pause. HOLLY puts her robe back on. Walks over to the record, puts a different
song on.]

SU
I don’t know, I just never really…

[HOLLY takes her hands]

HOLLY
It’s all right.

SU
It’s not

HOLLY
Yeah, it really, really is. You don’t have to tell me or anything but seriously, it’s all right, it’s
fine. There’s nothing to be ashamed of or anything.

SU
Then why do I feel so ashamed?
 38

HOLLY
Because society is bullshit. Seriously, Su, don’t let anybody dictate your feelings.
I’m sorry, I’m just trying to make you feel better.

SU
You can’t

HOLLY
That doesn’t mean I can’t try. Right?

[SU smiles]

HOLLY
God, look, your whole face changes when you smile.
It lights up, just like a star.

SU
No.
Really?

HOLLY
Yes.

SU
You’re a star.

[HOLLY gives SU a hug. SU hugs back with all her might]

HOLLY
A star nobody sees

SU
You’re just behind a cloud right now. When it moves you’ll shine the brightest in the night sky.

HOLLY
Su!
SU!
That’s like, really gorgeous! I fucking love that, it’s beautiful

[They hug again. HOLLY playfully starts to slow dance to the song. She twirls SU out, steps
out of the scene.]

[We’re no longer in her apartment, we’re at the bar. SU is in the background, getting ready]
 39

HOLLY
And we have such a beautiful crowd out there tonight!
So happy to be in John’s Bar, so happy it’s the END of another Tuesday, the beginning of my
favorite day –
Hump day
[grotesquely winks]
But you didn’t come out here to listen me talk about the days of the weeks, you came out to see
some Burlesque! And it’s my absolute pleasure to introduce our first performer –
She means business.
Serious business.
She’s all seven of the deadly sins, wrapped up into one person, it’s Su Sin!

[SU comes forward, she’s changed into tight breakaway pants and something else, I dunno but
yeah, so she comes forward, she nods to PATTI who presses a button on a machine that starts
playing music.
She starts strong but when she gets to her breakaway pants, they don’t break away and SU kinda
panics.]

SU
Wait, wait, wait, can we, I’m so sorry, can we stop?

[PATTI presses stop, SU is beyond humiliated]

SU
I’m sorry, can we –

HOLLY
What are you doing?

PATTI
Do you want me to start over –

SU
No, no, I just…
I mean, yeah, yeah I guess, yes

[HOLLY kinda makes a swooping gesture in]

HOLLY
Technical difficulties, ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for your patience and understand-

SU
I’m ready

HOLLY
-ing, all right, here’s SU!
 40

[SU starts over, completes her burlesque without a problem, though it’s clear she second guesses
herself more than a few times and cannot wait for it to be over]

Scene VI

[GLITZ is pouring her and JOE some wine. They’re at her place]

JOE
Damn

GLITZ
It’s nice, right?

JOE
This view is –

GLITZ
Spectacular!

[She does a little spin. It’s cute]

JOE
It’s amazing.
The way the City should be.

GLITZ
Is there anything better than wine?

JOE
Beer, whiskey, gin

GLITZ
Yeah but looklooklook
It’s so red, it lasts forever.
It looks like velvet.
Here.
Cheers.

JOE
Cheers.

GLITZ
New friend

JOE
 41

New friend.

[They sip the wine]

GLITZ
So??

JOE
So?

GLITZ
Tell me!

JOE
I told you, it was fine

GLITZ
Yeah, but now we’re drinking

JOE
It was still fine

GLITZ
Come on, Joe, aren’t you going to tell me?

JOE
I mean, I don’t know what you want me to tell you, I wasn’t taking notes

GLITZ
I don’t need like literal details, just like…emotional ones

JOE
You’re crazy

GLITZ
Did you like him?

JOE
He wasn’t bad

GLITZ
Okay, okay, so let’s start out easy-
What did he smell like?

JOE
I really don’t remember
 42

GLITZ
Come on, Joe, I’m invested, give me something!

JOE
I really don’t know what to give you.

GLITZ
Was he just a hook up?

JOE
Probably.

GLITZ
Did he smell like a hook up?

JOE
He smelled like cologne. The bitter kind.

GLITZ
The wine is working!

JOE
Yeah, I guess it is.

GLITZ
What did he sound like?

JOE
Are we really doing this, the senses?

GLITZ
Yes, what did he sound like?

JOE
At what point –

GLITZ
Pick one, pick one!

JOE
Quiet, quiet, he sounded quiet. Like a foggy night.

GLITZ
Looked like –
 43

JOE
A statue.
That eats McDonalds once in a while.

GLITZ
Felt like –

JOE
Wine

GLITZ
And…wait…seehearfeel TASTE, tasted

JOE
Like salt.

GLITZ
Tequila shot salt?

JOE
Potato chip and bananas salt.

GLITZ
That makes no sense

JOE
You make no sense

GLITZ
Was it everything you hoped it would be and more?

JOE
Yes, I guess it was.

GLITZ
And you got it over with! One and done, right?

JOE
I was supposed to do this in college.
Get it over with then.

GLITZ
So you’ve been practicing in a different kind of sock

JOE
GOD, can you NOT EVER –
 44

GLITZ
You’re such a prude. I love that.

JOE
Yeah, crazy

GLITZ
Same idea, different hole.

JOE
It was fine, it was different, I liked it. A lot. I’d do it again.

GLITZ
With him?

JOE
With anyone.

GLITZ
Do you love him?

JOE
Not yet

GLITZ
Could you?
Could you love him, do you think?

[JOE laughs a little, but she grabs his hands and asks him so earnestly]

GLITZ
Do you think you can love him?

[Their faces get close together. That’s when

[PATTI enters. She sees them]

GLITZ
Baaaa-byyyy.

[Gets up and kisses her JOE stands awkwardly]

PATTI
Hey, sweetheart
 45

JOE
Hey, hi! Hi. I’m –

GLITZ
Joe, he’s from the show

JOE
I saw the show

PATTI
Oh, yeah, I remember you.
You couldn’t touch Glitz’s boobs.

[PATTI nonchalantly touches Glitz’s boobs at some point during the following]

JOE
Yeah, yup, that’s me.

PATTI
That’s cool. I’m Patti.

JOE
Like…really?

PATTI
That’s what I’m really telling you my name is, yeah.

JOE
No, I mean

PATTI
Your lips are purple

GLITZ
From all the wine!

PATTI
How much have you had?

JOE
Not too-

GLITZ
A lot.

PATTI
 46

You look like you’ve had a lot.

GLITZ
I’ve had a lot.

JOE
I have not
I’m also going to go.

GLITZ
So soon??

PATTI
Yeah, so soonwhatever

JOE
Yup. Yup.
.
Yup!

GLITZ
Joe

PATTI
Yup

JOE
Yu-ssss?

GLITZ
I’m reallyreallyreally glad you got fucked by a dude.
Or you fucked a dude?
How’s that, what’s the phrase?

JOE
All right, good bye, Glitz.

PATTI
Good night

GLITZ
NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT, NIGHT!
What?

PATTI
You look like you’re beautiful.
 47

GLITZ
You are

[They kiss. A little hard]

PATTI
I like when your lips are purple

GLITZ
Because I’m drunk

PATTI
No, because it makes your skin look like lilies. Or something.

GLITZ
You’re funny when you poetry

[She starts to kiss PATTI’s neck. PATTI struggles to stay on task]

PATTI
So. Joe, huh?

GLITZ
Yeah, he’s cool.
You taste good.

PATTI
Oh yeah?

GLITZ
Mhmmm

[GLITZ stands PATTI up, starts to undress her as HOLLY appears]

HOLLY
How are we all doing out there tonight?

PATTI
Do you wanna taste more?

GLITZ
Mhmmmmm

HOLLY
I don’t know about you all, but I have quite a sweet tooth.
 48

[Produces a cupcake. Seductively does something with frosting (andwinksgrotesquely) during

the following]

PATTI
You better make me feel better

GLITZ
All better

[GLITZ walks behind PATTI. Puts her hands on her arms

HOLLY gets frosting on her face.]

HOLLY
In case you need YOUR sweet tooth satisfied
It’s time for a woman who’s as sweet as her name
Give it up for the one, the only
Patti - CAKES

[PATTI does a sugary sweet burlesque. It’s so sweet, may involve an actual baked good or
whipped cream in some interesting places.]

Scene VII

[The Bar. On a night that’s not Tuesday (probably Thursday). EARL is at the bar. TAFFYTA
enters]

EARL
Hey!

TAFFYTA
Hey

EARL
Fancy meeting you here

TA
Yeah, fancy me
Can I get a seltzer?

EARL
It’s not Tuesday

TA
Seriously, let me get a seltzer
 49

EARL
What, no small talk?

TA
I don’t believe in small talk. I only like talk that’s large.

EARL
That’s cool, we could do that, too
Religion, politics, the meaning of life

TA
No, thanks.
Just the seltzer.

EARL
All right, just the seltzer then

[She sneezes.]

EARL
What’s up, you sick?

TA
Yup.

EARL
Oh, well, this changes everything. Whiskey

TAFFYTA
What, no, I’m sick

EARL
Fun Fact: Whiskey is the equivalent of Nyquil.

TAFFYTA
You got that from a Snapple Bottle?

EARL
I feel like Snapple doesn’t even do that anymore, the facts. I feel like that’s a dated reference.

TAFFYTA
It is not

EARL
When’s the last time you had a Snapple?
 50

TAFFYTA
Shut up

EARL
Here.

TAFFYTA
I can’t-

EARL
It’s on me.

TAFFYTA
Okay.

[She does the shot. She loves it]

TAFFYTA
YES

EARL
See? Clears ya right up, don’t it.

TAFFYTA
Fuck yes.

EARL
Nothing like it. Liquid Gold.

TAFFYTA
Yeah, if Gold had a taste, it would definitely be whiskey.
What was that, top shelf shit?

EARL
Yup. Best of the best.
Best for the best.

TAFFYTA
Ah. You’re hitting on me.

EARL
Yeah.

TAFFYTA
Well, thanks for the top shelf shot, but-
 51

EARL
No, not like that

TAFFYTA
Not like what?

EARL
I’m not…creepy

TAFFYTA
You’re a little creepy.

EARL
No, man, I mean, I’m a bartender, I give shots instead of flowers.

TAFFYTA
Lucky me

EARL
No, no, I’m sorry, just…never get to talk to you.
All the other girls, they stick around. You always leave so fast. And when you come in, you’re
like, in the zone. Can’t see anything around you.

TAFFYTA
Yeah, I’m busy.

EARL
What about tonight?

TAFFYTA
What about tonight?

EARL
Kinda weird to hang out at a bar when you’re sick.

TAFFYTA
Do you moonlight as a detective?
Or, I guess, daylight, it would be daylight as a detective.
Do you daylight as a detective?

[EARL pours her another shot]

EARL
I watch a lot of Law and Order
 52

TAFFTA
That’s the best part of being sick, I think.

EARL
The marathons

TAFFYTA
There’s always a marathon

EARL
How is there always a marathon?

TAFFYTA
There’s like a million episodes
But they always play like the same ten

EARL
Right?
Which begs the question, Why’re you here?
Not at home, soaking in the gloriousness that is the Law and Order-a-thon.
In your sweats, with your hair up in a bun, cup of tea in, contacts out?

TAFFYTA
Too much stale air.

EARL
Oh yeah?

TAFFYTA
No, I have a date.

EARL
Oh.

TAFFYTA
Yeah.
So, thanks for the medicine.

EARL
Hey, any time.
Any time.

TAFFYTA
Yeah, I think it’s kinda awkward now, so I’m going to just…go down to the other side of the bar.

EARL
 53

Sure, no, of course.

TAFFYTA
I’ll…I guess, see you Tuesday.

EARL
Sure.

[She starts to leave]

EARL
Except,
Why would you go on a date?
When you’re sick?

TAFFYTA
You ever heard of YOLO?

EARL
You’re not a YOLO

TAFFYTA
All right, detective, you’re getting at something.

EARL
I am not

TAFFYTA
Just say it

EARL
Why would you go on a date when you’re sick?
All snotty and congested and sore throat-y

TAFFYTA
Why not?

EARL
No chance of…anything

TAFFYTA
No chance of what? Fucking?

EARL
Of anything.
Anything!
 54

Germs, they’re the worst.

TAFFYTA
Just get what you’re getting at

EARL
Means the guy isn’t special. Means you’re not even that into him. You’re just going out for the
sake of going out.

TAFFYTA
All right, Detective Barkeep, I think you’ve proven your point.

EARL
Who says I have a point?

TAFFYTA
There’s always a point.
Good night.

EARL
I’ll catch you later.
TaffyTa.

[She waves over her shoulder at him and watches her go as HOLLY kinda shimmies on.
TAFFYTA stops as HOLLY speaks]

HOLLY
We’re really so lucky to have Miss. Taffyta as part of our little burlesque troupe. I know she
would hate for me to reveal this to you all, but if you were to Google her, you might realize why
it’s so exciting that she’s here, bringing some of her spicy flavor to an already flavorful
Bushwick. So I hope you can give a big round of applause to have your mind blown by Taffyta.

[TAFFYTA’s burlesque starts off with some old fashioned, elegant-y music that cuts off
suddenly and becomes intense drumming and is reflected by her movement. At some point she
pulls a huge piece of fabric or something from her costume and it looks like flames. Her
burlesque is flames, her movement is flames, she a flame.]

Scene IX

[It’s the Youtube again!]

SAMM
Hey guys! Welcome to my Youtube.
My name’s Sammantha, with two M’s, but you can call me Samm.
With two M’s.
 55

So tuhday, I’ll be teaching youse some basic Burlesque moves but like Up a Level.
[SAM appears. He’s watching the video and he follows all her instructions.]
We’re gonna do a basic move but we’re gonna remember our attitude,
Say it with me
Attitude
We always gotta remember our attitude
You gotta put it behind the eyes, so you always gotta be thinking, you know, like having real
thoughts or whatever,
It’s really important that you like connect your thoughts to your moves because that’s what
makes them interesting.
Like, so, I try to think of things that make me feel things
Like, if I wanna be like kinda flirty flirty with youse, I’ll be like thinking of a guy that gets me
going, usually a celebrity because normal guys are like gross
I mean, no offense or nothing, but seriously guys? Need to get their priorities straight.
For sure.
Anyway,
I’m sure youse are all wondering,
Hey, why is there a chair there?
Well, did you know that chairs are not just for sittin,
You can also use them for Burlesque!
[SAM gets a chair]
Now I want you to pretend like the chair is something sexy, like a really hot guy, and I want you
to touch it, just touch it, all sexy-like like you’re ruffling his hair or something. Right, that’s
good, that’s good now ladies, I need you to put your hand on the chair and you’re gonna walk.
Walk
Walkwalkwalk and walk.
[Circles around the chair]
Oh my God, that’s like really incredible.

[End scene – I think the movement continues a little bit with Sam and Sammantha as Earl starts
his little Earl-o-logue]

Scene VIII

[The Bar. EARL is tending. It’s a busy night but he’s serving invisible people like it’s easy. ]

EARL
What can I get you?
We don’t got Seagrams and just ran outta 7-up, but I can get you a Jack and Ginger if you wanna
change your 7’s to alliterations. Yeah? You got it, math don’t belong at a bar anyway, right
man?
Yeah, I see you, what do you need? Nah, we don’t have any IPAs but we got PBR, that shit is
cheaper anyway.
There’s my man, what’s up Richie, been keepin’ your Gin & Tonic warm for you. Take it easy.
 56

Kettle and cranberry, you got it, listen, I’ll put some extra kettle in it for you, make it pink
instead’a red for you, I like the way that matches your lipstick, aw man, now it matches your
cheeks, I see you blushing. On the house.
That’ll be $8 for the Jack and Ginger, $3 for the PBR, who’s next?
I ever heard of a Cuban Village? You tell me what’s in it, I’ll make it!

[HOLLY enters, she’s wearing something really low cut and has a lot of make up on. The
difference is striking. She watches EARL]

EARL
Dude, that’s a Daquiri, why you call it a Cuban Village for? Nobody’s gonna think you’re like
girly or shit ‘cause you wanna drink a Daquiri, drinks don’t got genders, you walk into a bar and
want a Daquiri, you say that shit.
$10, all right man, you have a good night.
A pitcher of Bud and 3 Heinekens, I got you.
Yeah I see you back there, shout it out, I’ll catch it.

HOLLY
Hey Earl

EARL
Holly! What’s up?

HOLLY
Nothing I’ve

EARL
[To a customer] No modelo but I can get you a Corona

HOLLY
never seen it so busy

EARL
What was that?

HOLLY
It’s really busy

EARL
Friday night, baby, Friday
[to customers] Yeah, I see you, give me a second, that’ll be $5, $8 each for the Heinekens

HOLLY
It’s packed.

EARL
 57

Making bank.
What do you want?

HOLLY
Oh it’s just Friday night so I figured I’d come out to my favorite -

EARL
I mean to drink.

HOLLY
Oh.

EARL
It’s
Greygoose, neat, yeah, I got yalittle busy right now

HOLLY
Fine.
Get me a Tequilla Sunrise.

EARL
You got it.

HOLLY
Are you getting off any time soon?

EARL
I’ll be here til closing

HOLLY
Hard life to be a bartender.
You must miss out on so many Friday nights.

EARL
It’s cool.
Salt with the margarita? That’s ‘cause you so sweet.

HOLLY
Hey, you know we were talking about doing a holiday show.

EARL
A what?

HOLLY
We figure we could get a great audience. Put on a good show.
 58

EARL
Sure.
Here

HOLLY
We love performing here but we want to move up, you know? I’ve always been pretty
ambitious. Anything I do, I do one million percent. It’s like a flaw? because I wind up working
too hard? Yeah, I get tunnel vision and I can’t see anything else around me, can’t stop trying
until I get what I want.
And I always get what I want.

[Something awkward happens like HOLLY puts her elbow in a bowl of peanuts or something]

EARL
Ambition, sweet, awesome.

HOLLY
What if we did it on a Friday?

EARL
Did what?

HOLLY
The show.
The holiday show.

EARL
It’s too busy

HOLLY
We can also do it on Saturday, if Friday doesn’t work.

EARL
Those are our busiest days.

HOLLY
Exactly.

EARL
I’m not sure –

HOLLY
Not for every show, just for the holiday show. It would be awesome, it would be a perfect
Friday night show. And we’re planning on inviting like a ton of people, really, really important
people and it would really help us out if we could have a crowd.
 59

EARL
You bring people in on a Tuesday

HOLLY
Yes, and that helps you out. To have some people come on a Tuesday. To see the naked ladies.

EARL
People don’t go to a dive bar on a Friday to see Burlesque. They come out to drink in groups
and ignore everybody around them.

HOLLY
What if we went later? Around 1:30?
I bet it’s slower then.

EARL
Yeah but –

HOLLY
So it’s not prime time, it’s a late night show and we’ll still get some of the spillover

EARL
You guys really wanna be doing a holiday show at 1 in the morning? That shit’s crazy.

HOLLY
It’s exciting.

EARL
That’s what you all want?

HOLLY
Yeah, definitely.

EARL
I don’t know, maybe.

[TAFFYTA enters]

EARL
Yo, Taffyta!

[She ignores him, walks to another end of the bar.]

HOLLY
Taffyta?

EARL
 60

What’s her deal, man?

HOLLY
What’s she doing here?

EARL
She comes here all the time.

HOLLY
What, why?

EARL
I dunno, she meets people here.
I try talking to her but she gets prickly. Like she don’t wanna be bothered

HOLLY
Then maybe she doesn’t want to be bothered.

EARL
I mean, what’s her deal?
You’re friends, right?

HOLLY
What, no. We just work together, that’s all.

EARL
Man, she’s really something else.

HOLLY
Seems pretty normal to me

EARL
She’s definitely not

HOLLY
Oh. Well.
I just totally remembered, I actually have to go meet a friend or something.
How much do I owe you for…?

EARL
Nothing, it’s on me.
Hope you enjoyed it.

HOLLY
Yeah, I loved it.
Will you think about what I said? About letting us do the show on a Friday?
 61

EARL
Yeah, man, I’ll think about it but I can’t promise you nothing.

HOLLY
Taffyta would probably really, really like that. If we could do it.

EARL
I’ll definitely think about it.

HOLLY
Great.
Great.
Earl?

EARL
Yeah?

HOLLY
Do you think…
Am I definitely not normal
to you?

EARL
You’re pretty cool, Holly.

HOLLY
That’s not my name.

EARL
What is it, then?

HOLLY
Do you want to know?

EARL
Yeah.

[Long pause.]

HOLLY
Nothing.
It’s nothing.

[She walks to the center. Spotlight on her. She snaps her head up and smiles. Full of
confidence. It’s the moment she’s been waiting for.]
 62

HOLLY
Now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for,
It’s like Christmas morning
Or valentine’s day
It’s time for me,
Miss Holly
Daye

[HOLLY does her old fashioned but extremely likable burlesque. She is really, really good at it,
it should reflect the longing she has to fuck Earl but mostly her love for the burlesque she does.]

[End of scene]

Scene X

[JOE and GLITZ come stumbling into her apartment. They’re laughing and having a great
time.]

GLITZ
Are you ready?

JOE
Yup

GLITZ
Okay but close your eyes

JOE
No

GLITZ
Come on, Joe, JOE, Joe, close your eyes

JOE
I’m not doing that

GLITZ
Then turn around or something

JOE
I mean I already see you holding it, it’s not

GLITZ
JOE, this is my MOMENT you are ruining the big REVEAL-
 63

JOE
Okayokay

GLITZ
-Don’t DICTATE MY MOMENTS, JOE

JOE
Look, my eyes are closed, see

GLITZ
Good.

[Takes out her costume. Not completely finished but we can see what it is]

GLITZ
All right. You can open them

[He opens his eyes. She spreads its wings]

JOE
Wow. It’s a

GLITZ
Butterfly

JOE
Wow

[She swishes with it]

GLITZ
Butterfly theme

JOE
I see

GLITZ
I used to call them Flutter-Bys

JOE
Flutter-Bys?

GLITZ
Yeah, because they Flutter By.
So it makes sense.
More than butterfly, I mean, what is that, even?
 64

JOE
That actually…does make sense

GLITZ
Right?

JOE
Like eerily a lot of sense. You may be a genius.

GLITZ
I know.
Anyway, I’ve always loved Flutter Bys. Butterflys. They’re so beautiful, they’re almost magic.

JOE
I used to catch butterflys

GLITZ
No

JOE
Yeah

GLITZ
And what would you do with them?

JOE
Well I would definitely not stick pins in them and save them under a glass case

GLITZ
I knew it

JOE
I didn’t do that

GLITZ
How horrible

JOE
They’re only bugs

GLITZ
They are not!
I mean, they are, but they aren’t just bugs.

JOE
 65

Really

GLITZ
Yeah, that’s like saying, you’re just a man, you’re not just a man, you’re Joe and you’re not just
A Joe, you’re YOU Joe, you’re the Joe that wears dorky glasses and shiny shoes and reads the
paper like it’s a different kind of poetry and sings under his breath instead of whistles and never
has clean fingernails and how would you like it if butterflies collected you and stuck pins in you
and said Look, there it is, a human, a regular ol’ guy human named Joe.

JOE
Aren’t I?

GLITZ
Of course not.
You’re like the most not normal guy I know.
Joe.
My Joe.

[She takes his hands in hers. It feels like home]

GLITZ
How’s Sam?

JOE
What?

GLITZ
Sam, how’s it going with Sam?

JOE
Oh.
Great!
Yeah, it’s really…he’s great.
Great.

GLITZ
Really??

JOE
Yeah, really.
Really.

GLITZ
And are you getting fucked nightly

JOE
 66

You have no boundaries

GLITZ
I am just happy.
Happy I could help.

[PATTI comes out. She’s in a nightgown]

GLITZ
Baby!

JOE
Oh, shit

PATTI
Sweetheart.
Joseph.

JOE
Actually, it’s Joe

GLITZ
I’m so sorry, did we wake you???

[PATTI just gives her a look like Are you fucking kidding me with that question, Glitz, I’m
obvious awake right now, come on]

PATTI
No.

JOE
I’m so sorry

PATTI
You wanna get going?

GLITZ
Oh, come on, we’ll be quiet

PATTI
It’s almost 3 in the morning
I think it’s time to wrap it up

JOE
Okay.
 67

PATTI
Yeah.
See you later.

JOE
See you, Glitz.
Bye.

GLITZ
Bye.

[Sound of a door closing]

GLITZ
What did you do that for?

PATTI
I have to be up.
In like, 3 hours.

GLITZ
You could’ve gone back to bed, we would’ve been quiet or could’ve gone out to a diner or
something

PATTI
It’s three o’clock in the morning, baby

GLITZ
Yeah, but Pat –

PATTI
You’ve been out an awful, awful lot lately.

GLITZ
Come on –

PATTI
Samantha

GLITZ
Don’t call me that

PATTI
I need you to listen to me.

GLITZ
 68

Fine.
I’m listening.
What?

PATTI
I just…
Come here

GLITZ
No.

PATTI
Please?

[After a moment, GLITZ begrudgingly walks over, into PATTI’s arms. PATTI hugs her, kisses
the top of her head]

PATTI
Listen.
I don’t mean to be like…concerned or anything.
Really, I don’t, but just –

GLITZ
What do you want me to do, just come home every night and watch you sleep?

PATTI
This is the fourth time you’ve been out past 2 all week.

GLITZ
So?

PATTI
I miss you.

GLITZ
I come home.

PATTI
You’re not in college anymore

GLITZ
God, I know.
I know.
I just
Like going out. And I like hanging out with Joe. He’s fun.
 69

PATTI
I’m not fun?

GLITZ
No, you’re the most fun

[She starts to do stuff to PATTI’s ear]

PATTI
Are you trying to distract me?

GLITZ
Is it working?

[PATTI answers by aggressively laying GLITZ down on the couch. GLITZ does a happy
laugh/shriek thing]
[Lights begin to fade on them as they come up on JOE and SAM]

Scene XII

[JOE and SAM are in bed, they’re making out. SAM pulls away, JOE doesn’t really want to
stop.]

SAM
What’s your favorite part about me?

JOE
That’s so

SAM
Romantic

JOE
Self-involved

SAM
It is not!
One for me, one for you.

JOE
Those the rules?

SAM
Yeah!
 70

JOE
Okay.
You go first.

SAM
Fine.
I love the way you read the actual newspaper instead of getting it online. And how your fingers
always smell like it right after.

JOE
That’s so
Detailed

SAM
What about you?

JOE
I…really don’t know what to say.

SAM
There’s nothing you love about me?

JOE
Your eyes.

SAM
What?

JOE
You have nice eyes.

[Beat. SAM is expectantly like AND?!]

JOE
Not just the color, the whole…you have niceness in your eyes.

SAM
I do?

JOE
Yes. They’re kind and warm and sparkle when you laugh.

SAM
Close your eyes.

JOE
 71

Okay.

[SAM gives JOE butterfly kisses. JOE starts]

JOE
Whoa

SAM
They tickle, right?

JOE
Yeah…

SAM
Something wrong?

[Spotlight on GLITZ in a separate part of the room, not in their reality. During the following
exchange, she weaves in and out and around JOE and SAM. Her lines should reflect her
movement, they’re echoes rather than information.]

JOE
Just…surprised

GLITZ
It’s a butterfly

SAM
You never had butterfly kisses.

GLITZ
I call them flutter-bys

JOE
No, it’s just…nice. Really, really, nice.
Butterfly kisses.

SAM
You’re really nice

JOE
Oh, I don’t know

SAM
I love it when you do that.
That thing with your laugh, that you’re embarrassed because it’s so obvious how much I like
you.
 72

JOE
I don’t do a thing

SAM
You do.
And I like it. I like seeing you.

JOE
So do I

GLITZ
Me

SAM
I like liking you

JOE
You say the oddest things

GLITZ
By

SAM
It’s true though! I do.
I like missing you. I like looking forward to seeing you, to arguing about movies and books and
sharing sushi. I like seeing my phone light up with a text from you.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
You’re…like…always on my mind?
Oh God, is that too much? To say?
But it’s true, you are. I can’t stop thinking of you.

[GLITZ freezes]

JOE
You flap around my brain just like a flutter-by.

SAM
What was that?

JOE
Nothing, just thinking out loud.

SAM
Oh.
I’m sorry if I -
 73

JOE
Close your eyes

SAM
Okay

[He closes his eyes. JOE kisses him. Hard and long]

JOE
I can’t stop thinking about you, too.

END
ACT
ONE

Act II

Scene I

[The bar. EARL is there and TAFFYTA enters. It’s a Tuesday. She’s early, she starts to get
shit ready and that’s what she should be doing throughout the beginning of this scene at least.]

EARL
Hey!

TAFFYTA
I’m busy, everyone’s running late and I have to get everything set up.

EARL
Let me help

TAFFYTA
And I have to get ready.
No time to talk.

EARL

I Googled you

TAFFYTA
You what-ed me?

EARL
I Googled you. Your name.
 74

TAFFYTA
Okay.

EARL
Guess what I found.

TAFFYTA
I don’t care

EARL
Why do you have to be like this?

TA
Like what?

EARL
Abrasive and shit

TA
Don’t like it, don’t talk to me

EARL
But I wanna talk to you

TA
Then deal with it, this is how I talk.

EARL
You’re famous.

TA
No.

EARL
That’s what I found out. From Googling you, you’re like actually famous.

TA
So what if I am

EARL
You’ve won like real awards and shit

TA
Yup.
 75

EARL
For your Burlesque.

TA
I know, I know I have, thanks.

EARL
So what the hell are you doing here?

TA
I like it here.

EARL
Bullshit

TA
I need to get ready.

EARL
Why fire?

TA
Because, it’s my thing

EARL
But it hasn’t always been your thing

TA
How do you know?

EARL
Youtube.

TA
You’re a fucking stalker

EARL
And your name. Taffyta, it has nothing to do with fire, it’s like a frilly fabric or some shit and
that’s what you used to do, a sugar candy coated poppy princess dance, but now you don’t.
You’re fire, you’re flames and burning embers, you’re not Tafftya. Maybe you were but you’re
not, not anymore.

[TAFFYTA starts to clap obnoxiously]

TA
 76

Thank you detective barkeep, you know everything about everything, you are the smartest
bartender in the world

EARL
Stop it

TA
Don’t tell me what to do

EARL
I’m not, I’m asking, can you?
Please?

TA
What do you want from me, really? What do you want?

EARL
This
I want this
But less angry

TA
I’m fire and fury

EARL
That’s fine, that’s cool, you can keep that fire and that fury and make it explode out your head, I
don’t wanna like put that out, you know? I just wanna talk to you. I wanna get to know you.
All of you, the whole of you. I feel like I know you when you do your set, I feel like I
understand you,
it’s like you’re speaking a language I understand without words to get in the way. And I get to
see that spark out there, every week, but I want to know the fire.

TA
I don’t want to know you

EARL
Just tell me why

TA
No

EARL
I see you come in here, meet somebody new every week and every week it’s like you can’t wait
to get outta there, it’s like you’re waiting for them to disappoint you, you’re waiting for them to
piss you off so you can go blog about it later
 77

TA
I hate men
I hate when you think you got us all figured out, how you think you’re so smart

EARL
I’m not smart
All right? That what you want me to say? I’m not.

[EARL puts his hand on hers. She doesn’t move away.]

EARL
But I see that fire inside of you.
It comes out when you perform, but it can come out all the time.
What’s keeping your fire inside?

[HOLLY enters, sees them. She finds it interesting and irritating. TAFFYTA takes her hand
away from him.]

HOLLY
Taffyta.
Hi.
Is everything set up?

TAFFYTA
Yup.
I’m just gonna go get dressed.

[She starts to leave.]

EARL
Do what you want, Ta. Be your own wings. Be your fire.

[HOLLY looks at him like Are you fucking kidding me but tries to put on a face like
Nonchalantly interested].

HOLLY
What was all that about?

EARL
Nothing. I was finishing a conversation.

HOLLY
Oh.
That’s cool.
 78

EARL
Hey, you guys still thinking about doing a holiday show?

HOLLY
…Yeah…

EARL
I think you should do it. On a Saturday.

HOLLY
Really?

EARL
Yeah, seriously. Do it. I think it’d be good for you guys.

[SU enters, comes up to HOLLY]

HOLLY
Great. That’s so great. Thank you, Earl, you won’t be sorry.
We’re gonna put on an amazing show.

SU
What was that all about?

HOLLY
I got him to agree, we’re doing the holiday show on a Friday!

SU
Wait, what?

PATTI
We’re doing a holiday show?

TAFFYTA
When did this get decided?

SU
It’s something we talked about, it’s not official –

HOLLY
No, no, it is official, I just made it official, Earl and I made it official
He’s letting us do it at the bar on a Friday night

SU
How the hell did you get him to agree to that
 79

HOLLY
Did you know that this bar is like packed on a Friday? It’s like really, really busy

SU
Yeah, Holly, of course I knew that, that’s why I was going to ask him if we could do it

HOLLY
Well, I didn’t know that this shithole was ever busy, so imagine my surprise when I walked in
last Friday to see it packed

TAFFYTA
All right, I’ll try but

SU
Are you serious, I’ve been trying to get us to do a show on a busy night for six months! You
can’t just go into these things blind, it could’ve completely blown up in your face and then where
would we be?

HOLLY
Okay, I get you, I hear what you’re saying and everything, but that didn’t happen. Right? It
worked. Calm down.

SU
How’d you get him to agree?

HOLLY
I’m not sure, I think I’m just a strong negotiator

[TA makes a snorting noise that’s like Yeah, right, sure you are, sure you are Holly, sure,
PATTI and GLITZ exchange a look, rolling their eyes at one another.]

HOLLY
What was that?

TA
Nothing.

HOLLY
I just gave him an incentive, I told him that we’d be thrilled if we could do it a little later on a
busy night

SU
What time

HOLLY
So we can get spillover
 80

SU
What time

HOLLY
And they would

SU
What TIME

HOLLY
I told him we’d do it at 2:00

TAFFYTA
Wait, what?

PATTI
In the fucking MORNING?

HOLLY
Well yeah –

PATTI
That’s not a Friday night, that’s a Saturday morning

SU
Why did you do that, Holly?

HOLLY
What, what?! I got us a prime time to do a really important show

SU
You went behind my back!

HOLLY
What can I say, I’m impulsive, Su, and it looks like I booked us the show

SU
At TWO O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING

GLITZ
I don’t know what the big deal is, 2:00 isn’t that late

PATTI
Glitz
 81

GLITZ
What, it isn’t

SU
Why didn’t you trust me enough to let me do what is literally my job, it’s my job, Holly!

HOLLY
Well guess what, I got the job done. So I guess what you’re all trying to say to me is really thank
you and I guess I’ll be the bigger person and just say You’re welcome, you’re all very welcome,
were going to do a badass holiday show and we’re going to get a shitton of important people to
come –

SU
At 2:00 in the morning?

HOLLY
Excuse me for being an optimistic ray of fucking sunshine, all! I think this is going to be a huge
step forward for us, all right? So You’re all very, very welcome.
Now get ready for the show.

[She stalks away. Everyone disperses.]

PATTI
Hey. You okay?

SU
It’s fine, it’s fine, I feel bad that I lost my cool, I totally shouldn’t have

PATTI
Yeah, you totally should have, I’m ready to go stick my foot up her ass, seriously

SU
She’s just…she’s really ambitious. It’s like, it’s a flaw? You know?

PATTI
Her whole fucking persona is one giant flaw

SU
Stop, don’t say that

PATTI
Come on, Su. Don’t do that, don’t defend her.

SU
She didn’t mean to -
 82

PATTI
She doesn’t love you.

SU
That’s not relevant.

PATTI
Stop it, Su. Even if she wasn’t some straight girl power tripping her way through life, even if she
was a raging lesbian, she still doesn’t love you. Because love isn’t like that. Okay? Love isn’t
hurtful. It’s not horrible. It doesn’t use you, squeeze you dry until there’s nothing left inside. It
makes you grow. It fills you up and make your grow and grow and grow until you can’t even
recognize yourself anymore because you’re so much huger and more beautiful than you could’ve
ever imagined yourself. Love gives you wings. It doesn’t cut you down.

SU
Don’t talk at me like that

PATTI
I’m not talking at you like anything

SU
What, giving me some lecture about what love is? Newsflash – I know what love is, I don’t need
to be in a relationship in order to understand, ok, so stop talking to me like I’m an idiot

PATTI
I’m not –

SU
I’m not an idiot Patti, and just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you know shit, you
can’t even see what’s going on under your own nose with your relationship

PATTI
What are you talking about?

SU
Glitz and Joe have been getting pretty close, haven’t they?

PATTI
I let her have her freedom

SU
Maybe you’re giving her a little too much freedom.

PATTI
Again, not the way a relationship actually works
 83

SU
Don’t try to take away my happiness, Patti

PATTI
I’m not the one doing that.
That’s not me.

[She walks away from SU and into the next scene. ]

Scene II

[GLITZ is getting ready to go out. PATTI comes home early]

PATTI
Heyyy, surprise!

GLITZ
Baby! What’re you doing home?

[She gives her a kiss on the cheek, PATTI pulls her closer, kisses her deeper]

GLITZ
What’s this all about?

PATTI
You smell good

GLITZ
Babe-beeee
I’m gonna have to redo all my make up

PATTI
So? Don’t do it

GLITZ
I’m going out in a few minutes

PATTI
Oh?

GLITZ
Yeah, meeting Joe, we’re going to a Korean BBQ place in Tribeca and then this dessert bar in
the East Village that has like half off dessert after 1 am.

PATTI
Can I get you to change your mind?
 84

GLITZ
You should come with us!

PATTI
That’s okay

GLITZ
Come on, it’ll be fun!!

PATTI
Not really what I was looking for

GLITZ
What were you looking for?

PATTI
Some one-on-one time

GLITZ
We had one-on-one time this morning, remember?

PATTI
And it was so good that I left work early so we could spend the night together

GLITZ
I can’t just cancel on him, we’ve been planning this for

PATTI
Hours?

[Beat]

GLITZ
I don’t like how this is sounding, Pat.

PATTI
I came home to surprise you –

GLITZ
Yeah, and I have plans

PATTI
With Joe

GLITZ
 85

So?

PATTI
You’re really going to choose him over me

GLITZ
I didn’t realize I had to drop everything because you decided to come home early. Without
telling me.

PATTI
That’s why it’s called a surprise

GLITZ
Some shitty surprise, then.

[She starts to redo her make up or put on an outfit or something]

PATTI
People have started to talk.

GLITZ
And you’ve decided to listen

PATTI
They make compelling points

GLITZ
And have you told them that it’s none of their business? And that it doesn’t matter if I have a
guy friend because you’re the only one that I want?

PATTI
Am I, though?

GLITZ
God what does that mean

PATTI
You’re going out a lot lately –

GLITZ
Yeah, because you’re never here! I made a friend and we go out a lot and it’s not like I’m
avoiding you, I’m avoiding being home alone a night because that’s what I usually am! Because
you’re not here!

PATTI
I’m out working for us, working for our future
 86

GLITZ
And I know and I understand and that’s why I never complain that you’re never here!

PATTI
Let me ask you – where do you see yourself in a year?

GLITZ
Oh god

PATTI
No really, where? Working at a coffeeshop?

GLITZ
So what if I am?

PATTI
Grown ups don’t work in coffeeshops

GLITZ
That’s great, that’s just fantastic

PATTI
Where do you see this going?

GLITZ
This what

PATTI
Us

GLITZ
Jesus Christ

PATTI
In six months, in a year

GLITZ
That we’ll still be together, we’re going to stay together, I really don’t understand where this is
coming from

PATTI
You don’t think you’ll fall in love with someone else

GLITZ
You’re being really unfair right now
 87

PATTI
You don’t think you’re in love with someone else right now

GLITZ
How the hell, what the hell - you’re coming in here, acting like I’m what, falling in love with
Joe? And I’m not supposed to be angry?

PATTI
He’s in love with you.

GLITZ
Oh, please

PATTI
He is

GLITZ
He’s with Sam

PATTI
That doesn’t mean that he’s not in love with you.

GLITZ
Do you not trust me?

PATTI
I don’t trust us.

GLITZ
What?

PATTI
I feel like there’s a hole between us. There’s just a huge, gaping hole that’s between us that
started off as a crack and has just grown and grown and we’re about to fall inside and disappear.

GLITZ
There is no crack. There is no hole! I love you. I love YOU.

PATTI
Until when?

GLITZ
It’s not milk, there’s no expiration

PATTI
 88

But there is. There is.

We just can’t see it.

[Beat]

PATTI
I’m going to go

GLITZ
What, where?

PATTI
Out, out, I just need to get out

GLITZ
Patti –

PATTI
No

[PATTI does her second burlesque here.]

Scene III

[The bar. HOLLY is waiting at a table. TAFFYTA enters.]

HOLLY
Hey, girlfriend! Over here.

TA
Hi.

HOLLY
Can I get you a drink?

TA
No, that’s all right –

HOLLY
You sure? It’s on me, I can write it off as a business expense

TA
We shouldn’t really be drinking if this is a business meeting

HOLLY
Lawyers do it all the time.
 89

TA
That’s okay. I’m good.

HOLLY
You sure?
Sure?
Okay, then.
God, thanks for coming, I know it was short notice –

TA
No, it’s fine. I don’t live too far. It’s a bit of a ride for you, though, isn’t it?

HOLLY
I just thought it would be better to talk in person. And this is like our headquarters so I just -

TA
Yeah, what about, what do you wanna talk about?

HOLLY
How are you?

TA
I’m fine, what do you want?

HOLLY
No small talk, huh?

TA
I’m meeting someone in like half an hour so –

HOLLY
Who?

TA
No one

HOLLY
A date?

TA
Sure.
A date.

HOLLY
Someone special?
 90

TA
What do you want?

HOLLY
Well. As you know, we’ve been trying to expand.

TA
Yeah

HOLLY
And the biggest piece of feedback that we’ve been getting is this question about what our theme
is.

TA
Okay.

HOLLY
Yeah, and so, I just wanted to talk to you about your set.

TA
What’s wrong with my set?

HOLLY
Well, nothing, technically, I mean, it’s great

TA
Thank-

HOLLY
A little too great. Because it’s so different. And interesting. And you’re sticking out right now
but like not as a member of a troupe. It’s like you’re a solo artist and we’re your backup
background dancettes or something.

TA
Okay.

HOLLY
And, I mean, I think it’s great, like, really, really great, but it’s like…it’s not the reason I brought
you on. Your set, it’s changed, it’s different, it doesn’t even match your name anymore.

TA
Yeah, I know, I know, that’s the point.

HOLLY
 91

And I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re so happy to have you in the troupe, and it’s great
because you have all that experience and we really appreciate it but I need you to go back to the
old stuff.
It’s just that…it matches our aesthetic more, our group collective. Your dances, they’re almost
tribal-like, it like…just doesn’t make sense. Your old stuff, it was beautiful, it was elegant and
joyful, it works better for the group, for us.
And, well I’m going to need it to be you because that’s what the troupe needs.
And If you don’t I’m afraid we’re going to have to part ways.

TA
You shitting me?
I am an award winning Burlesque dancer, I traveled the world, people know who I am –

HOLLY
Not anymore. I know it’s all dried up. I know what you do, why you’re always here, always on a
different date with a different man, you just let them pay for your drinks and your dinner and you
don’t even put out for them at the end of the night, that’s rude, that’s just fucking rude, but that
doesn’t matter, the point is, I know, I know that you’ve fallen, Gloria, I know that the only
reason you agreed to be in this troupe is because you have nowhere else to go and that’s because
you’re trying out this new thing that doesn’t go with your persona and nobody knows who the
hell you are anymore. I don’t think you even know who you are.
So go back to the old stuff. Be the You you were, that’s probably who you are. People don’t
change, not really.
Okay?
I’m not trying to be a bitch or anything, I’m trying to look out for you.

TA
That’s sad.

HOLLY
It’ll get better

TA
No, you.
I think you’re sad.
You’re a sad, sad pathetic little girl who puts on big girl heels and her mama’s make up and
prances around, bossing other little girls around
And I think it’s sad that you can probably count the number of times you been hurt in your life
on half a pinky finger and that you never been beat up and bruised by life
Oh, I know, you probably had your heart broke and who the fuck hasn’t? Nobody in this world
has a full heart. Our hearts break a million times a day, they splinter into little pieces that we
carry around our chests, inside our bodies, trying to glue them back together with our blood.
Nobody’s ever tried to take away your You though, you don’t know what that’s like. Okay?
You don’t.
You don’t know what it’s like to wake up, the whole world muted because of the box you been
put inside. You don’t know what it’s like to live in fear of breathing the wrong kinda breath, you
 92

don’t even know what it feels like to get a cigarette put out on your arm, no, you don’t know any
of that.
I know that you don’t know that because if you did then you never woulda said this shit to me.
You never woulda even thought it.

[She gets up to leave]

HOLLY
That’s not true.

TA
Which part.

HOLLY
All of it.

TA
I’m a phoenix, Ursula, I am a fucking phoenix, reborn into a giant flame that endlessly burns,
I’ve been too afraid to keep it burning, I’ve been telling myself that I’ll do this troupe and then
figure out where to go from here but I’ve been bullshitting myself, I was just afraid, I was afraid
to burn all the time but now I see, I can tell that I can’t do anything BUT burn.
Fuck you, Holly, I don’t need you, I don’t need the troupe. I quit.

[TAFFYTA’S SECOND BURLESQUE GOES HERE]

[Right after TAFFYTA’s burlesque, we move into a scene with the rest of the burlesque troupe
the next Tuesday. The scene should jump out of the burlesque; passage of time may be indicated
by costume change.]

SU
She just QUIT?

HOLLY
Yup.

GLITZ
Really.

PATTI
Fuck.

SU
Fuck, shit, shit!

HOLLY
I know, I know right?
 93

Her name is literally on the postcard

PATTI
What happened?

HOLLY
She just like lost her shit. For absolutely no reason, I was just meeting with her –

SU
Why were you meeting with her?

HOLLY
-and she just started trashing the troupe and telling me she didn’t want to be a part of it anymore

PATTI
Yeah, I’m sure.

GLITZ
So…does this mean I get to perform?

HOLLY
I don’t know what to do, I think we might have to cancel the show.

SU
We are not going to cancel the show.

HOLLY
There aren’t enough of us

GLITZ
I can perform

HOLLY
We’d still need a kitten

GLITZ
Jesus, I can do both, I can perform and still be the kitten

HOLLY
How hard would it be to cancel?

GLITZ
The show must always go on

HOLLY
How the fuck are we supposed to go on, we are literally missing one quarter of the show!
 94

SU
We’re doing this show! We’re doing this show and it’ll just be a little shorter than we expected
but we’re doing it, we’re still doing it. It’s too late to add a whole new act, Glitz, but we’re still
doing this fucking show.
First of all, how many people in Bushwick do you really think know who the hell Taffyta is?
Five, Four? Please, it’s not that many, I was basically using that selling point to get bigger
names to come, and they’ll still come, we just won’t tell them that she’s no longer performing
until they walk through the door.
But normal people, regular people, they’re going to see that there’s a holiday show, a holiday
burlesque show, it’s on a Friday night, it’s late but that’s fun, that’s part of the excitement, and
it’s right in the area, right where they live, people are going to say Oooh I’ve always wanted to
go see a burlesque show, this seems like fun, let’s make a night out of it. And it’s on the 20th
which is actually pretty decent, maybe it’s the start of their vacation days so they’ll really wanna
go out and celebrate which is how we’re going to get people from off the L, from off the G,
even, maybe even people in the Village who’re gonna wanna go bar hop, that’s what I’d do.
So we’re still going to get people, we’re going to get a lot of people separate from Taffyta’s fans.
And if her fans do come and they don’t see her, it’s not like they’re going to walk out, right?
They’re going to be like hey, I’m already here, may as well stay! We have drinks specials and
fun décor, it’s going to be fun whether or not some bitch walked out on us, okay?

PATTI
I just can’t believe that Taffyta just walked out on us, just like that.

SU
Sometimes people can’t take the pressure, you know? I mean, there has to be a reason she
stopped performing full time, maybe it’s all a part of that.

PATTI
Taffyta never struck me as someone who couldn’t take the pressure

HOLLY
Believe me, she couldn’t. She couldn’t take the truth.

SU
It doesn’t matter, nothing matters except doing this show. Okay? Unexpected shit happens all
the time, at least we can troubleshoot it now, better sooner rather than later. But I’ve worked too
hard to get too many important people to come see this show. Do you know how bad it’ll look if
we cancel? It would be horrible. We’ve all put so much time into it. It’s like a gift for us, for all
of us. So we’re going to do it. Okay? We are.

HOLLY
I defer to Su.

SU
You do?
 95

I mean, yeah, exactly.

We’re going to do this holiday show, you guys. It’s going to be huge for us, huge.
We’re going to put on an amazing show.

[End scene]

Scene III

[JOE and SAM are over JOE’s place.]

JOE
What are we thinking, Chinese, Thai?
There’s a new sushi place, they put the menu under my door -

SAM
Wait, wait, wait
Did you hear that?

JOE
Oh God, not this again.

SAM
Shhhh, listen.

JOE
This place is not that big!

SAM
Then why do I hear an echo?

JOE
Because your earbuds have punctured your eardrums

SAM
I’ll never get over how huge this place is.

JOE
It’s not that big, I just don’t have twenty-five roommates crowding up the place

SAM
Hey, two

JOE
Yeah, they feel like ten people each sometimes

SAM
 96

That math does not add up.

JOE
Sarcasm knows no numbers

[They kiss.]

SAM
You know what else doesn’t quite add up?

JOE
Insert Government joke here

SAM
The amount of time I spend here.

JOE
Okay.

SAM
I mean, two, three, four days –

JOE
It sounds like you’re getting at something.

SAM
And that you’re just one person here –

JOE
You are definitely getting at something –

SAM
Come on, Joe, wouldn’t it just make sense if we moved in together?
I mean, we don’t have to do it tomorrow, but it’s something to think about. Right?
And I mean, I don’t even have to move in here, I swear it’s not to get your apartment, we can
find a place together. A place that can be our place.

JOE
Yeah, yeah I mean, I’m just…I’m not sure?

SAM
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah I mean…I’m sorry, I’m being a little enthusiastic

JOE
I mean, it’s a little fast. And that’s what happened in my last…we moved in fast and it
got…complicated and sticky and we wound up staying together for a while.
 97

SAM
But he’s not me, right?

JOE
That’s definitely true.

SAM
So….?

JOE
But it was also…I’ve only really had one relationship. So I’m just cautious, I’m just being
cautious.

SAM
I’m sorry I just…I haven’t felt this way in a really long time. I think I’ve forgotten how to act.
In a relationship.
And it’s fine if you don’t feel that way, too, yet, I just…I haven’t been with someone who feels
so right. Like my heartbeat. I had…my last relationship was…he was the only one I ever loved.
And we were together for a really long time. He was a the life of the party, a party boy to the
extreme and being with him, everyday, it was a party. When he died, it was like the definition of
a light going out. The flame burning itself out. One day he’s there, all fire and light, the
next…the next hour, the darkness. I was in darkness.
You’ve…you’ve made everything light again. I think…I think I fell in love with you the minute
you danced with me.
So if it seems like I’m eager, that’s why. You’re my light, Joe, and I just want to be around you.

JOE
Like a moth, huh?

SAM
Or like a butterfly.

[He kisses JOE.]

JOE
I’m pretty sure the metaphor is moth

SAM
Yeah but I’m a butterfly.
Aren’t I?

JOE
Would you make me coffee?

SAM
 98

What?

JOE
In the morning. Would you make me coffee?

SAM
Every morning.
I’ll wake you up with the scent of coffee

[They kiss a little, JOE stops them to just look at him]

JOE
I like waking up next to you. When the sun hits my eyes and forces them awake and the first
thing I see is you next to me?

SAM
Do you watch me when I sleep?

JOE
Constantly.
Sometimes I just watch you breathe. Feel your body breathing, try to breathe in your breaths
with you.

[JOE cups SAM’s face in his hands. They breathe together before kissing him]

SAM
I’ll make you coffee. Every morning. If you kiss me good night every night.

JOE
You make a tempting offer

SAM
I can tempt you more

[They start getting into it. JOE puts his hand in SAM’s back pocket, pulls out a postcard]

JOE
What’s this?

SAM
Oh, yeah! I forgot about that, I meant to ask you –

JOE
Burlesque at John’s Bar?

SAM
 99

I was thinking about going.

You wanna go with? Make it a date night?

JOE
Yeah, I mean, yeah. I actually, I go every week.
I mean they’re kinda my friends.

SAM
What? You’re a regular?

JOE
Yeah. I mean I stumbled upon it by accident one night – actually, the night we met, that was my
first time. Ever, really. I mean, I had an ex who was really into it but…yeah, I never understood
it until I saw them.
They’re really good.

SAM
It’s free

JOE
Yeah, I mean, you should bring money, obviously, to give them or…whatever.

SAM
It’ll be fun, I love Burlesque. I wanna do my own act someday.

JOE
You do?

SAM
Yeah, I fucking love it. Look, watch, I got some moves on me.

[SAM does some moves. JOE is kinda like What the fuck is going on]

SAM
You like?

JOE
Yeah. It’s great.
You’re great.
Do you want to order Chinese?

Scene IV

SAMM
Hey guys, welcome to my Youtube
 100

My name is Sammantha with two M’s,

But you can call me Samm.
With two M’s.
So Before I begin tuhday, I just wanted to like throw some thanks to all the people who’ve been
subscribing and sharing my videos and like sharing all my words of wisdom with the world, it’s
like really, really cool. It’s kinda like a dream come true.
So like, I think it’s worth mentioning that you always gotta follow your dreams. No matter what
nobody says to you. And you gotta really believe in yourself. Because there’s gonna be like a
lot of people who ain’t gonna believe in you. At all.
[SAM appears, he’s watching the video]
Like my scumbag ex? He told me that all this shit I was doing? It was just a waste of time
hobby and that I should go out and get some “real skills”. I know, right?
[GLITZ appears, she’s watching the video]
And I bet youse’ve been told stuff like that, right? That your skills aren’t like real skills because
of society or whatever but I want to like re-instill that all that is bullshit and that you gotta like
grow your own wings and, if anybody is out there crushing your heart, you gotta reach right into
their sweaty bullshit hands and pull it back out because your heart belongs to you first and
foremost, it don’t belong to nobody else without your permission.
All right?
So tuhday, I’ll be teaching youse how to use
[Opens a fan really quickly, should make a loud ass noise and be surprising]
A fan.
A fan is like one of the most artist-y things that you’re gonna be using when you do your
burlesque. I mean, I guess you can always apply some’a these things to scarves and like bigger
feather shits, but that’s for a later video.
So you saw what I did, with the dramatic opening of the fan? It’s actually a lot harder than it
seems, you actually will probably have to practice doing it like a lot of times before you master it
or whatever so I want you to hold it like this
[Demonstrates; GLITZ and SAM follows suit]
And pretend like your flicking someone you hate in the eye, I like to think about my scumbag ex
when I do it, I think that’s why I’m so good at it, so
One, two and
[Dramatically opens the fan]
Good, that’s like really, really great.
[Walks into the next scene, which is the bar, the holiday show]

Scene V

[It’s THE NIGHT OF THE HOLIDAY SHOW, ALL! No, but really, it is. And it’s packed. Note,
this whole scene is alive – GLITZ, HOLLY, AND PATTI are present in the scene and they’re
alive and doing things. SAMM is sitting at the bar, drinking a vodka cranberry. SU
approaches]

SU
Sammantha?
 101

SAMM
Yeah?

SU
Hi, it’s Su, Su Sin?

SAMM
Oh, yeah, hi!
It’s so nice to meet you in person.

SU
Thanks so much for coming out

SAMM
Yeah, no problem, always happy to meet some fans and mingle and stuff

SU
We’re all really excited that you’ll be watching the show

SAMM
Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. Especially that Taffyta is performing, nobody’s seen her
do nothing in like a year

SU
Oh she’s actually, she had another engagement tonight, she had to cancel

SAMM
No shit

SU
Yeah

SAMM
Well that sucks.

SU
But the show is going to be so good, it’s really good, we’ve been putting it together for a month
and –

SAMM
Can I get another one of these?

SU
Sure
 102

SAMM
Are youse gonna be starting soon?

SU
Yeah, we’re just waiting for –

SAMM
Great thanks so much

SU
I know that Holly’s going to want to meet you.
I’m just going to find her

SAMM
Sure cool, thanks for the drink.

SU
Yeah no, no problem.

[SU leaves. SAM and JOE enter.]

SAM
I’m so excited!

JOE
Yeah, me, me too.

SAM
Do you want anything from the bar?

JOE
Sure. Surprise me.

SAM
Awesome, don’t miss me too much.

JOE
I won’t. I mean I’ll try not to

[SAM kisses him, goes over to the bar. JOE goes over to GLITZ, they start talking.]

SAM
Oh my god.

SAMM
Hi
 103

SAM
I know you

SAMM
You do?

SAM
Ohmygod, you’re-

SAMM/SAM
Sammantha with two M’s

SAM
Holy crap, holy wow, wow, hi

SAMM
What’s up

SAM
I have watched all your videos

SAMM
Yeah, I am kinda famous

SAM
No seriously, religiously
It’s like my religion
It’s my religion

SAMM
You’re so intense, it’s so cute

SAM
No, really, watch

[Does a move from one of her videos]

SAMM
Yeah, that’s a move

SAM
I just can’t believe it’s you!
I’m Sam.

SAMM
 104

With how many M’s?

SAM
Only the one!
Just one.

SAMM
Oh, good.
Always nice to meet a fan, I guess.

SAM
I’m sorry, I just…your videos have gotten me through some really hard times.

SAMM
Really?

SAM
Yes

SAMM
Did you try to like kill yourself or something?

SAM
No, no

SAMM
Oh my god, thank god, I don’t think I coulda taken it.

SAM
No it was just…some stuff.

SAMM
Great.

SAM
Are you in the show tonight?

SAMM
This amateur hour?
God, no.

SAM
How do you know it’s amateur hour

SAMM
‘Cause it’s burlesque at a bar
 105

Obviously.

[JOE enters.]

SAM
Oh. Yeah, obviously! Duh!
Oh, you have to meet my boyfriend,

[SAMM turns around as JOE comes forward. They look at each other. They know each other.]

SAM
Hey, sweetie, I want you to meet –

SAMM
Joseph

JOE
Oh.

SAM
You know each other?

SAMM
You’re his fuckin’ boyfriend?

JOE
Kinda

SAM
Kinda?

SAMM
Since when?

JOE
Can we talk about this somewhere, anywhere -

SAMM
No, this is like perfect, Joseph!
You’re
so
gay!
You’re so incredibly gay

JOE
No, I’m not
 106

SAM
You’re not?

JOE
I mean –

SAMM
No, believe me, he is. It all makes sense

SAM
What’s she talking about?

SAMM
This makes like fucking unbelievable sense, Joe! All the poetry and the techno music and the
sushi and those fancy shoes, I mean really, all the signs were right there from the start. I mean, I
really shouldn’ta been upset when you broke my heart ‘cause you weren’t even straight to begin
with!

JOE
LITERALLY EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD EATS SUSHI

SAMM
That’s your take away from this?

SAM
You’re her scumbag ex?

JOE
What does he mean Scumbag ex?

SAMM
Man, Joseph, I’m glad you got yourself straightened out or whatever or wanna call it

JOE
The fuck Sammantha

[HOLLY approaches]

HOLLY
Hi, I’m sorry, Su just got me – It is so nice to meet you, I’m Holly, Holly Daye

SAMM
Yeah what?

HOLLY
 107

You came…for the show?

SAMM
Not anymore.

HOLLY
Excuse me?

JOE
Don’t do this

SAMM
No, you know what, I can tell I wasted my time, all right, coming out to this rinky dinky bar and
I’m sure youse all got some raggedy costumes and some second-hand moves so I really don’t
gotta see it. I got other places to see.

JOE
Why are you even HERE Samm

SAMM
Because I’m fuckin’ Youtube Famous, Joe-seph, I have a fucking Youtube that’s blown up and I
told you it wasn’t a fuckin’ waste of time and not a hobby and now I got enough power that I can
walk out of wherever I wanna walk outta. Because I don’t wanna show up places and see my
grimey ex-boyfriend hanging out with a dude. All right?

[SAMM walks out.]

SU
Samm, wait –

[She chases after her]

HOLLY
What the fuck, Joe?

[SAM grabs JOE]

SAM
What the fuck?
That’s your ex?

JOE
Can we not have this conversation here?

SAM
 108

What conversation, what is the conversation we’re about to have? How I’m only kinda your
boyfriend, how
JOE
Sammantha’s my ex

SAM
But you’re gay

JOE
No

SAM
So you’re what?

JOE
I don’t know

SAM
And what, I’ve been helping you figure it out?

JOE
No, I –

SAM
And you didn’t even tell me that the most important relationship in your life was with a woman
and you didn’t even say that I was your boyfriend-

JOE
I was in shock, I’m in shock

SAM
What the hell else haven’t you told me, Joe, am I even the only person you’re with right now?

JOE
Yeah, yes, you are

SAM
How can I trust that?

SAM
And I think your ex is some guy but then it turns out to be a Youtube star

JOE
Youtube doesn’t have “Stars”, Sammantha’s not a “star”

SAM
 109

I mean, we’re talking about moving in together -

JOE
No, you’re talking about moving in together, you’re talking about moving in, I never said
anything like that, right? We’ve only been together for TWO MONTHS. Two months and
you’re talking about moving in and telling me about your dead boyfriend and I didn’t ask you
about any of that, I would’ve told you.

SAM
When?

JOE
When I was ready

SAM
Why weren’t you ready?

JOE
Because I don’t love you!

SAM
So?

JOE
I love someone else.

SAM
Wait, what?

JOE
I’m so sorry, I just
It just happened so fast this all just happened so fast and I didn’t mean to…but I just…you said
you loved me and I didn’t know how to tell you anything, I didn’t know how to tell you that I
love someone else
I tried to love you -

SAM
Stop.
I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say

JOE
I’m sorry

SAM
No, I’m sorry,
I’m sorry that I love you. And that I got all caught up and wrapped up and
 110

we’re done, we’re through, okay? I don’t need to be with someone who’s just hanging around
with me while they’re pining for someone else.
[Starts to leave. Stops. Doesn’t say this to Joe. Says it to the world]
My heart is broken but the world is still whole.
None of this makes any sense.

[I think SAM has a burlesque that goes here]

Scene VI

[A park bench at 3:00 in the morning. SU and HOLLY sit, side by side, bundled up in winter
coats. It’s right after the show. After a moment]

HOLLY
Having a holiday show at 2:00 in the morning is a horrible idea

SU
Worst idea

HOLLY
What a disaster

SU
It wasn’t a – well okay

HOLLY
At least people pay attention on a Tuesday.

SU
It definitely…didn’t go as expected.

HOLLY
At least nobody cat calls on a Tuesday.
Nobody gets drunk on a Tuesday.

SU
Well hey, now we know. Right? Live and…are you crying?

HOLLY
No

SU
Holly

[She takes her glove of her hand to wipe away HOLLY’s tears]
 111

HOLLY
We just…worked so hard

SU
I know

HOLLY
And they were all

SU
Shh, shhh, it’s okay

HOLLY
That guy tried to touch you and

SU
And you took care of it.

HOLLY
I mean, I know Richie comes and gets drunk and just wants to stare at our titties but he at least
watches the show. He watches the whole show, all of them just wanted to stare.

[HOLLY pulls her jacket closer]

SU
Are you cold?

HOLLY
None of them watched us, they just stared.

SU
Come here

[She pulls HOLLY close. Tries to warm her up]

SU
You took care of all of us, tonight, okay?
You stopped the show and that was right. You took care of us.

HOLLY
Stop trying to make me feel better

SU
I’ll never stop trying to make you feel better. I don’t think I could if I tried. There’s no one
better than you, nowhere in this whole wide world. I should know, I’ve looked.
 112

HOLLY
You’re the best, Su.

SU
No. You are.

HOLLY
You always say that

SU
Because it’s true.
I love you.

HOLLY
I love you, too.

[SU kisses HOLLY. HOLLY does not kiss back.]

HOLLY
Oh.

SU
Oh.

HOLLY
I didn’t realize –

SU
You didn’t?

HOLLY
I didn’t –
I didn’t even know you were gay

SU
Oh.

HOLLY
I mean, not that changes anything it’s just –
I didn’t even know that –

SU
I didn’t know that you didn’t know

HOLLY
I mean, I love you, I just…
 113

SU
Love Earl?

HOLLY
No, what, Men men, men, other men, I don’t, I don’t like women.
So it’s not, it’s not you.

SU
It never is.
It never is me.

HOLLY
I’m sorry

SU
No, no, that’s fine, it’s fine, it’s okay. It’s okay, this is, I’m used to, this is what I’m used to.
I’m…I’ve never, I’ve never been in love
No, no, that’s not what I mean to say I mean,
I’m always in love, just nobody’s ever loved me back.
I’ve never even, I’ve never even touched. Or been touched. I’ve never felt someone else’s skin
against my skin even. I’ve never seen anybody else’s skin, not without pasties on, not without
something else on
But I’ve loved. I’ve loved and loved and loved so hard and so much I think it’s filled my heart to
swelling, I’m not sure what to do with all this unused love.
I’m not sure how much more it can take.
It must be so big and stretched out and swollen now, it must be like a sack of pus ready to burst.

HOLLY
I’m sorry, I wish I could –

SU
Nono, no, that’s okay. It’s my fault, it’s my stupid heart’s fault, it’s me.

[HOLLY goes to hug her, SU stops her]

SU
Can you just –
I don’t want you here.

HOLLY
Don’t be like this

SU
But I am.
I am like this, this is how I am and I want you to go away from me.
 114

Now, please.

HOLLY
Su, it’s too late to be out here by yourself

SU
But I am by myself

HOLLY
I can be with you, too

SU
No, no, no, I don’t know how much more my pus filled heart can take if you don’t leave me the
fuck alone.

[SU leaves HOLLY. HOLLY stands for a moment before she walks in the opposite direction.
SU’s second burlesque goes there.]

[The bar, the next day at opening. EARL is opening. HOLLY enters.]

EARL
We’re not open

HOLLY
Hey.

EARL
What are you doing here.

HOLLY
I’ve just
I’ve been out all night. Haven’t gone home. It’s been a hard…Do you have coffee?

EARL
Why are you here, Holly?

HOLLY
I don’t know. This place is more like home than home and after last night…It got…it was just a
little insane. It got out of hand.

EARL
Yeah.

HOLLY
Yeah I had no idea that any of that would happen. It was just…big hurricane. A mess.
 115

EARL
Yeah so…John was there. For the show.

HOLLY
Oh. There’s really a John?

EARL
Yeah. And he wasn’t happy.

HOLLY
Yeah, okay, I know there was a lot of drama last night but did you tell him there usually isn’t?
Any? At all???

EARL
Yeah, it doesn’t matter, Holly, you guys can’t perform here anymore.

HOLLY
What, why?

EARL
You guys….you made John nervous. How out of hand everything got, we could’ve gotten in
major trouble, you guys could’ve gotten into major trouble

HOLLY
Yeah and I took care of it, right? I mean you didn’t do anything to stop it

EARL
Listen, I told you, I told you it wouldn’t be the right crowd, I knew it wouldn’t be the right crowd
and I let you do it anyway, that’s on me. I should’ve never let you do it and now you can’t do it
here anymore.

HOLLY
You can’t do this to me

EARL
I’m sorry

HOLLY
You don’t know what it’s like, to have something to live for, it’s not like you have a real job,
you’re always here tending this goddammed bar, why don’t You do something with your life?

EARL
This is my bar.

HOLLY
It’s “John”’s bar.
 116

EARL
Yeah, he owns half the bar, he takes care of all the business, but I run the bar, I book the shows,
we work together. Yeah, I’m a bartender but I’m a business owner. Shit. You know, I used to
work in an office, go everyday with a suit and tie on a packed train, sit in meetings and crunch
numbers, flirt with my co-workers and go out to lunches to keep me from jumping out a window
and splattering myself all over Wall Street. And I made bank. But I hated it, I hated it all so
much. And I hated that I hated it, I wanted something I could love. So me and John pooled our
shit together and bought a bar. Fixed it up. That first year? Was the worst year. Used to sleep
here, just blankets and pillows on the ground. We got robbed, had to replace everything.
Begged people to step foot inside. Lost a lot. Lost a lot of money, sleep, hair. But the more I
lost, the more we started to gain. It was slow. Real slow. But it started to happen. And now
we’re doing good. It’s the stupidest thing I ever did, but it’s the best thing I ever did. I don’t
make a lot, but I make enough. And I’m not going to let anyone take that away from us.
This bar is my life, Holly.

HOLLY
The troupe is mine! Performing is mine. Do you know how much goes into doing this, getting
people here, rehearsing, making costumes, A lot of thought goes into it.
And then none at all when I’m performing. It’s like I slip into a world. A different world. Like
I’m flying, high above myself. Like I become a part of the air that everybody’s breathing. I can
feel all their hearts beating, thumping through the air, making it quake and vibrate. That’s what I
do. I work really hard at it. It’s what I do. Don’t take that away from me.

EARL
So do it somewhere else

HOLLY
Nobody else will let us, Earl, Earl, please don’t take this away from me, please don’t do this to
us, please.

EARL
Get out of here, Holly. You don’t belong here anymore.

[HOLLY leaves. EARL continues to get things ready. The door opens again]

EARL
I told you to get out of here, Holly

[But it’s not HOLLY. It’s TAFFYTA]

TAFFYTA
Hey.

EARL
Taffyta? What the hell are you doing here?
 117

TAFFYTA
I’m leaving.

EARL
What?

TAFFYTA
I sold everything I could sell and packed everything that I need, I’m heading out to California.

EARL
Why?

TAFFYTA
Because my heart is on fire. And I’m tired of trying to put it out. And that’s all that’s been
happening here. I’m drowning in the City.

EARL
Oh. Well, wow. Wow. Good for you.

TAFFYTA
Yeah, someone made me realize not being happy is a pretty stupid way to live. So I’m digging
my roots up and planting them somewhere else. Hopefully I grow.
I wanted to say good bye.

EARL
You never let me take you out on a date.

TAFFYTA
I know.

EARL
You should’ve

TAFFYTA
You’re not my type.

EARL
What, too shallow?

TAFFYTA
Too full.

EARL
That’s a compliment right?
 118

TAFFYTA
Yes.

EARL
Did it hurt you? Did it cause you physical pain to say?

TAFFYTA
Yes.

EARL
Man, I’m gonna miss you.

TAFFYTA
I’m definitely not going to miss your know it all attitude or your cocky quips
But I’ll miss a part of you. That’s for sure.

[She kisses him on the cheek. Starts to go]

EARL
Imma Google you

TAFFYTA
You better

EARL
You better be doing great things

TAFFYTA
I’m gonna be better than great.
I’ll be better.

[She leaves]

EARL
Wait.
Don’t go.

[But that’s more to himself than anyone else. She’s gone. The bar is empty. EARL is alone.]

[End scene]

Scene VIII

[JOE shows up to GLITZ’S apartment.]

GLITZ
 119

Joe?
What’re you doing here?

JOE
We, he, it’s done

GLITZ
Really?

JOE
Yeah

GLITZ
I’m so sorry

JOE
I’m not

GLITZ
That’s weird

JOE
I wasn’t in love with him

GLITZ
Seriously?

JOE
Yeah.

GLITZ
How long did you know?

JOE
A while.
The whole time

GLITZ
The whole time?

JOE
Yeah, I didn’t, I never did, I just

GLITZ
Did you like him?
 120

JOE
Yeah, I liked him, a liked him a lot
But I didn’t, I really didn’t love him
I wanted to love him.
I really did.
But I just
I loved someone else.

[JOE takes GLITZ’s hand. She recoils]

GLITZ
No

JOE
Yes

GLITZ
You have to stop

JOE
I can’t not

GLITZ
So this whole trip to self discovery it was just so you could fall in love with me?

JOE
I loved you from the moment you called me Joe

GLITZ
Impossible

JOE
It’s not

GLITZ
Stop

JOE
Don’t just tell me stop, please, don’t do that, let me speak, let me just speak!
Let me tell you, for once, that I love you, let me tell you how I can’t stop thinking of you

GLITZ
Just because you’ve seen me naked

JOE
Don’t hide behind that excuse!
 121

It’s not about that, it’s not about…it’s you, you’re fuller than your naked body, you’re the fullest
thing I’ve ever known, you make me happy
And I can’t just make a list, I’m not going to make a list of things that I love about you because
it’s just YOU it’s you, it’s not a picture of you and it’s not things you do, it’s just you. When
I’m not with you my heart beats slower, you can hear all the echoes, I just feel the beats and each
one carries a wave of you and reminds me, each one, how much I need you. I need you. I need
you. Glitz. Glitz.

GLITZ
Stop it

JOE
I can’t
Please
I’m standing here naked in front of you. I’ve never been so bare.

GLITZ
I don’t love you.
I love Patti, I want to be with her. Forever.

JOE
Can’t you just –

GLITZ
No. No, I can’t, I won’t.
I think you should go.

JOE
Please don’t let me go

GLITZ
Go.

[Lights go out on JOE. Because THIS IS WHERE GLITZ’S BURLESQUE GOES]

Scene next

[At John’s Bar. GLITZ is the host.]

GLITZ
Thank you, thank you so much, everybody, for coming out to the burlesque! I hope you all
enjoyed the show.

[She is about to exit the stage when PATTI steps up on it]

GLITZ
 122

Baby! What are you doing here

PATTI
I ‘ll be taking this

[She takes the microphone]

PATTI
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, hi,
You all know me as Patti Cakes, but Glitz here just knows me as Patti. We’ve been together for
three years, but I’d like to make it more.

[She gets down on one motha-fuckin’ knee]

GLITZ
Oh my god

PATTI
And I just wanted to ask, in front of everyone, in the place you love most, if you would give me
the honor of being mine for the rest of our lives.

[EARL takes a picture]

GLITZ
What am I going to say, No?! FUCK YES!

[PATTI and GLITZ kiss. Lights fade on the bar, up on the Youtube]

SAMM
Hi, guys, welcome to my YouTube.
My name’s Sammantha, with two M’s, but you can call me Samm.
With two M’s.
So tuhday, it’s the day youse all been waiting for, it’s time for your, like, graduation from
intermediate burlesque to Advanced Burlesque!
I’m so excited for all of youse!
So now that you’re up a level, I can let youse all in on a secret –
The art of takin’ off your clothes is like really intimate.
But empowering also.
You’re making a decision to let a buncha strangers see your body, but you’re also makin’ them
wanna see your body.
It’s actually pretty fuckin’ awesome. Because you’re celebrating your body, all of your body, all
its flaws and things, people ain’t gonna see any’a all that when you’re up there doin’ it. They’re
just gonna see You.
All’a You.
 123

And you’re pretty fuckin’ beautiful. Because there’s literally no one else in the world like you.
There isn’t.
That’s sounds like some sappy shit, right? But it’s true shit.
You got stretch marks? They’re fucking more beautiful than tattoos even because they’re yours.
They’re from your body. So show them off.
Fucking cellulite? It’s like your skin is constantly smiling! How lucky are you?
Tiny tits? They’re fucking awesome and perfect, like strawberries.
That curve of your belly? Own it. Bulky thighs? Shake them.
Show off your body because it tells your story.
Own your body. Own your story.
Because it’s nobody else’s but yours.
Show your story.
Because it’s nobody else’s but yours.
You’re nobody else but you.

[Profiles of the women doing their burlesque appear, interspersed with the men. Order should
go, from right to left:
Su Holly Sam Joe Glitz Patti Taffy Earl

[And that, my friends, is how you end this play. For now.]