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THE UNSEEMLY OLD LADY

MINDLESSNESS

1. After forty-three years of mindfulness

Of rigorous twice-daily meditations
Allowing the mind to encounter itself
Coming and going and doing whatever minds do
Thirty-one thousand three hundred and ninety times
We find ourselves looking for the punch-line

And the joke is on us

For our overfilled minds have burst their banks
And swamp us with hilarity
Flippant and irreverent
We have bought the tee-shirt
And this is Cloud Nine it seems
The Enlightenment we were promised
Whey Hey
Bring it on

2. Old and wild and gay and crazy

The Girl from Ipanema goes lurching
And every time she passes a man she says “Hi!”
(“How ya doin’ Babe?)

When she walks she keels like a whaler

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She swings her sticks and rolls like a sailor

And every time she passes a man she says “Hi!”
(“Salut mon Gar!”)

But Oh! She has lived her life gladly

Oh! She’s embraced every moment
Oh! She’s indulged herself madly
And every time she falls down on the path
She picks herself up with a laugh

And wild and gay and louche and zany

The girl from Ipanema keeps rolling
And every time she passes a man she says “Hi!”
3. Old Age Yes!
A Benediction
A Blessing at twilight
For the night draws in
The great blue blanket of the dusk
Yes yes yes!

Stiffening joints
Stained with pain
Aching bones
Rigidity
Forming the chrysalis
Yes!
Metamorphosis
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Yes! Oh yes!

We are becoming soup

Dreaming our bedtime stories
Minute by singing minute
Hour by swinging hour
Pendulum dance
Yes!

Now we see everything

The hair vein on the flower
The interminable journey of the clouds
Tremulous sunlight caught in trees
Teasing us
Dancing for us
Yes!

Shadows lengthen
Discreetly
Drowsily
For the long day is over and the night is come
Sweet dreams
And even sweeter memories
Yes yes yes oh yes!
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4. Let us be reckless in Old Age

Let us shout and sing and fall over
Make fools of ourselves
These are the Glory Days
What have we to lose?

We have been you

Have been slim and trim and glossy and well-dressed
Have made a fetish of ourselves in the mirror
Anxious and appraising

We’ve been articulate and useful

Respected and well-thought-of
Qualified and well-indoctrinated
Trailing letters after our names like children
A force for good in the community
Famous even

We have watched our waistlines

Our hairlines and our hemlines
Our carbs and calories and salt intake
Allowing the children in white coats with Mickey Mouse degrees
To tell us how to live
When we should be telling them

“It’s OK Baby
“OK to live a little
“OK to fail to falter and fall over
“OK to lose the plot and make mistakes
“It’s what we’re here for Baby
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“It’s what Life’s about

“Get over it.”

We have been invited to dinner with the Gods!

5. We are ripening like apples in the golden sun of autumn

Mellow and sweet
Swollen with intoxicating juices
Ready to let go
And yet not quite

We have come this far there’s no going back now

But no going forward either
We are not even waiting
Just smiling slightly
Swinging in space
Sailing in the moment

Some day one day something will happen

Something effortless and necessary
That takes us with it
Unresisting with a little smile
For the crooning dove has put us all to sleep
And no-one will notice that War has already broken out.

6. I have become invisible at last

It was not difficult
(Though painful)
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I had simply to become disabled

And walk on two sticks

Apologising to the queue of others

Waiting at the checkout
I realise there is no need
For they cannot see me

I could do dreadful things and no-one would notice

Though sadly the appetite for doing dreadful things
Is in inverse proportion to the ability
To do them.

I have not actually got dementia that I know of

(But then I would say that wouldn’t I?)
However I have such an interesting life
That sometimes words get jumbled up in my head
Because there are too many in there
And they just don’t get used enough
They should get out more
So I let them out for an airing
To keep them vigorous and up-to-scratch
Stop them getting fidgety and restless

Some admirable words haven’t been used for years

And I fear they are becoming atrophied
WHEELBARROW for example or UMBRELLA
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Such satisfying noble words should be used regularly

Interchangeably if necessary to keep them fit and active.

Where I live the stately wheelbarrow is called a BROUETTE!

(I ask you! Shades of the Moulin Rouge my dear!)
And the dignified umbrella a PARASOL!
(Straight out of the Dejeuner sur l’Herbe don’t you think?)

So I do what I can to revive these symbols of Britannia

And bring them back into prominence.
“These Wheelbarrows look nice” I say pointing to the bananas
Or “Give me a kilo of Umbrellas please” to the man at the fish stall.

They just smile.

They are so nice to me at the supermarket.

7. This is the doorway

The Threshold
When we are not yet through it we call it Pain

We must know it leads somewhere

For “I’m going through it” we say
Expecting to come out the other side

“He’s really going through it”

Means he is really suffering
Stuck in the doorway poor soul
Jammed
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Then “He’s come through it” we say

As if he’s emerged somewhere
But where is he?

They tell us that Pain is a symptom

A message from ourselves
That something is wrong

Something that needs attention

Diagnosis
Pills
A visit to the Doctor
Major surgery perhaps?

But supposing this message is really a reminder

That we are mortal
That we are complex
That there is more to us than meets the eye

That it is time to meet someone

Someone who’s been with us all our lives
Who draws our breath
Governs our heart beat
Adjusts the circulation of our blood
Mediates between hot and cold
Between fast and slow
Tenderness and anger
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Courage and despair

Grief and love

It is time to meet ourselves

And this is the person who saves us

Who knows how to get through the door

8. But they said If you wish to survive

You must go out
And come in again by a different door
Leaving your rubbish behind

Oh but my rubbish is so interesting

So vibrant and remarkable
Especially that pile there I call my suffering
I can’t survive without that

And I cannot be asked to throw away my crutches

My worries and alarms
The daily struggles to remain intact
That give me my identity

And what is it like out there

Will I need extra blankets
A warm pullover
Shall I get enough to eat
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And anyway who’s going to feed the cat

Mow the lawn
Water the plants

You see it can’t be done

It’s a nice idea this survival of yours
But I’m better off as I am
I know the ropes you see
I know how to stay alive

And they said But the rubbish smells awful

The wrongs you carry are heavy and hard to bear
Diminishing you and making you ineffective
Are you redeemed by this back-breaking labour
Or by giving it up to come in through a different door

And I said Is this dying

And they said No
It is the Unmaking of the Soul

An unmaking through Grief

Through Sorrow
And through Loss
Through Loss of Sound
Loss of Self
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And Loss of Meaning

An Unmaking through Silence

Through Space
And through Nothingness

It is Unmaking and Remaking

A Remaking through Music
Silence Remade
A Remaking through Stillness
Sound Remade
A Remaking through Being
Nothingness Remade
It is not Death
It is a Remaking of the Soul

They said You may enter now

You are Remade
And I entered

So this is who I am
An Old Reborn
Already wise
With things forgotten

Did I believe things then

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Had I the nerve

The energy
The effrontery to do that

The Past recedes to vanishing point

I do not wave
For it is already out of sight
And I remember nothing

I have no Agenda now

No to-do-list
Nothing in my diary
(What is a Diary)

Have I brought nothing then

No Lifestyle
No Habits
No Routines
To prove that I have lived

Have I done nothing then

Left no dent
Fought no battles
Engaged in no disputes
Achieved no resonance
No echo to my name
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(What is my name)

I know one thing only

This Me Here Now
Is a place I have always wished to live
And now I live here

And they said

Now you are Remade
Perhaps you will become a better person

And I said
I am more likely to become the person I am
Only more so

And they said

You are drunk

And I said
I am not drunk
But the person I am reserves the right to be drunk
If she wishes

And they said

You ARE drunk
And you are a bad person
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And I said
I may be a bad person
But it has taken me a Lifetime to get here
And a little drink from time to time
Helps me survive the Apocalypse that surrounds me

And they said This is Hyperbole

And I said It is better than Preaching
And they said You are so RUDE
And I said RUDE YOURSELF
And they said Clearly you need Remaking again

And I said
Before you start knocking the shit out of me once more
Perhaps you could remind me of the purpose of this exercise

And they said

We would have thought that was obvious
It is to make you into a better person

And I said
But it doesn’t seem to be working does it
Why don’t you try being nice for a change

And they said

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Oh we will be nice to you

Once you have earned it
Once you have shown you are a better person

And I said
Suppose I don’t want to be a better person

And they said

Then we will keep knocking the shit out of you until you do

So I said I admit I am an unruly woman

Given to tantrums and hyperbole
Leading a Life of Noisy Desperation
Violent and loud-mouthed

I said I admit I am embarrassing

Over-emphatic and delusional
Falling in love with dead Italian poets
Demanding they love me back

I said I admit I am ebullient

Unseemly in a person of my years
And should for God’s Sake quieten down a bit
And take it easy

But Life has me by the throat I said

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And wakes me up in the night to hug the Moon

And shows me the Underside of things forbidden
That make my blood sing

And they said That’s all very well

But when are you going to do something
When are you going to stop boring us all to death
With your indefatigable charisma
And grow up

And I said
This Remaking of the Soul is Dying Remade
It is the Underside of Things
The Soul cannot Unmake
It IS Death
It really IS

9. This is your last trip they said

And we strongly advise against it
It is too soon
You are still depleted from the last time round
And have not got the strength

It can’t be helped I said

This soul that was my child has married foolishly
And is at risk
I have to go to her and be her baby
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You cannot help they said

She has chosen a path of suffering
And is deluded
She will sacrifice herself in vain

Nevertheless I will do what I can I said

I will have a go
Make the best of it you know
Put on a brave face and cheer her up a bit

You are a fool they said weak and rebellious

You always have been volatile and reckless
You have made enemies who will target you
And now you are in danger

Nothing new there then I said

Can’t sit around all day you know
Have to get moving
Show him I know who he is

Then this is your last chance they said

To try to get it right
We’ll display the available options
And you must choose blindfold
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Carry on Old Sport I said

Display away
I’ll probably make a hash of it
I usually do

Then over here is Worldliness they said

It will make you Successful Rich and Famous
Keep you in the public eye
And always on the tele

OK I said that looks a lot of fun

Bit of a strain too though I should imagine
Always on show rather an effort that
High maintenance you know what I mean

This is more in keeping with your temperament they said

It is Exploration Adventure Soldiering the Outdoor Life
But you’re so depleted after the last time round
You haven’t got the strength and are rather ill

That’s a shame I said

I should have enjoyed that
But maybe I can have adventures in a wheel-chair
Whizzing about a bit you know

You ought to stop larking about they said

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For you will be consistently at risk

Targeted and assailed by unseen forces
Wounded by those you trust implicitly
And powerless to resist because you love them

You’ll attract weak and helpless men they said

Because you need the injured to ease your suffering
You will know more than can be of use to you
And not enough of what serves your interests best
For you look into the eyes of others and see their pain

You will try several times to come back they said

But will not succeed
For you will live much longer than you planned for
In hopes of achieving the unachievable

Though this is unlikely they said

For in our view you have not the qualities to survive
Let alone achieve
And we repeat we advise against this journey

Blindfold you chose your gifts they said

The bare necessities needed to survive
And these are the options you have selected
TENACITY FORTITUDE HONESTY and COMMON SENSE
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We are happy with these options they said

And believe you have chosen wisely
For in spite of all we have said we love you dearly
And wish you Bon Voyage

As this is your final trip they said

You are offered a BONUS gift
Which is not chosen and cannot be exchanged
You may open this gift at the moment of departure

That’s great I said I’m very grateful

I’m sure it will prove most useful
And as the voyage was underway
I opened up the bonus to look inside
The gift was RAPTURE
10. Don’t interrupt me I’m growing old
I’ve got things to do
Things I’ve waited all my life for
So don’t disturb me now

My tele was struck by lightning some time back

It was an Act of God so I don’t miss it
They keep telling you things on TV
I know too many things

No I haven’t seen Star Wars

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But I have a darling friend who’s in it

He was just like you and me in those days
Now he’s one of the Stars but I still love him

I am always in love
My heart-strings are stretched to breaking point
And have lost their elasticity
I’m very sentimental

I have a frequent visitor to my window

A baby blue-tit (Aaah!)
He comes to say hello
He sits and looks at me and I look back

But I am most in love with dead people

Especially if they are fictional
I got off to a good start with Hamlet as a child
You can’t do better than that really
Because he is a Prince

And then there’s a throbbing Russian tenor

Who sings Rachmaninov
He turns me inside out
And has given me back a taste for music

I have become a toddler again

Lurching and toppling
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Colliding with my outside Adventure Playground

The world indoors my Playpen.

The voyage to the sink is an excursion

Grasping at thin air and tottering
I complete the momentous journey to the bathroom
Always on the brink of some abyss.

Even the place has changed

I now have a recording studio in a tree
It has a synthesizer with pedals and loud speakers
A microphone and headphones
A digital professional eight track recorder with more pedals
And my guitar.

The studio was here first, the tree came later

Advancing steadily in my direction
Its branches reaching out to touch the window
Attracted by the music I suppose
For I am preparing my magnum opus

So now I am in bird-land
Surrounded by happy busy people
Preoccupied with breakfast
And unconcerned with me.
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Which is just as well

As I have five-and-a-half hours of music in my head
Mostly in three or four part harmony
So don’t interrupt me now.

(I have written it all down of course but toddlers can’t read music.)

11. 2am and it’s Party Time in the forest

And Wow do these cats know how to party
The Venue is the bed of the Crazy Old Lady
Her guests two glamour-pusses
Obsessing over their new thick winter coats
And living it up with a three-course-meal
Fish course: TUNA CROQUETTES
Meat course: SQUISHY-SACHETS WITH CROQUETTES
Desert: DOLLOPS OF CREAMY FROMAGE BLANC
They have never had it so good
At last it is time to celebrate
After many months of trauma and despair
Of painful births and seven tiny babies
Who had to be raised and fed and looked after
(Two who died and four who were sent away)
The constant removals and the smell of shit
The operations and visits to the Vet
The horror and anxiety
Now remain only the Beauty Queen and her daughter
The irresistible Princess Lady-Jane
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(Inexplicably hooked to licking up caustic soda)

The Old Lady knows that these are the Good Old Days
That she has never known such friends
And has never been happier

12. You are nearing the end of your trip they said
And are taking the time to reflect
What are the things you have learnt
That have proved most useful?

I have learnt I must be alone I said

To encounter the moment fully
And understand the nature of the pain
I have been gifted with

I have learnt the value of small things I said

And that the struggle to achieve these things
Is their own reward
For I was given the prize before I started

I have learnt to learn nothing I said

For the state of unknowing
Is a space unfilled
Because it is fulfilled already

I have learnt a bit about money I said

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That it is a tool to be used

Not a commodity to be owned
So not to be feared but used strategically
All that I cherished has been taken from me I said
My jewellery has been stolen
My favourite clothes devoured by moths
And my new bed linen eaten by mice

So worldly possessions make me laugh I said

For you cannot own things
But you can certainly enjoy them
For the pleasure they give

I have learnt about physical pain I said

For it has been with me all my life
And it does not own us
But knows us intimately and is faithful unto death

I have learnt that love transforms I said

And helps us to forgive ourselves
For who we are
Even if the object of our love does not

And that friends have the right to behave badly

And ruin their lives
In spite of all the good advice we give
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And the grief we feel at their self-undoing

I was given a bonus gift before I started I said

So Rapture has been the colour of my days
It has saturated me with the Natural World about me
And filled my life with praise.

13. “Play your function” they say in the theatre

What is my function?
Keep reading the play and you’ll find out.
I don’t appear till Act Three. But I always get a round of applause.
Are you the Detective?
No . . .
The Murderer then?
No . . . I am the cleaner who discovers the body . . .
Then that is your function – to discover the body.
Right.
So why do they applaud you?
I did win Celebrity Drowning at Sea you know . . .
Where you were playing your function . . . ?
Well yes.
So here you’ve been playing the right function in the wrong play . . .
I suppose so. But I still get the applause . . .

This play is coming to an end now

Have I been playing my function?
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Or have I been playing the Queen instead of the Waitress?

The Beggar instead of the Astronaut?
Or is it the wrong play?
I am still waiting for the applause.
(copyright E J Ward 2018)