THE REDEMPTION OF FRED THE GOD

a diversion for radio

by e.j.ward
music by Yannick Ollivier

GIRL a village schoolteacher

1
FRED a town councillor
RORY a PR man
NIGEL a radio ham

part one THE GOD

PROLOGUE
(music)

GIRL

If I believe what you tell me I give you power if only for a moment

If I do not believe it I empower myself and take your power away if only momentarily

If I believe you sometimes I retain the power of judgement and diminish your authority
but not always

If I believe nothing you tell me I am calling you a liar and increase my self-esteem by
judging you

If I always believe everything you tell me you are my parent or my teacher and I am
very young or very stupid

If I am not very young and still believe everything you tell me always I have lost the
capacity for rational thought and need to give you power by making myself stupid

If I am not very young or very stupid and still believe everything you tell me however
improbable unlikely or impossible it seems I have relinquished what intelligence
remained to me and have made you into a GOD

Because I need to worship someone or something irrational that cannot be explained

or understood

This makes me happy.

(music)
2
 SCENE 1
GIRL

OK I’ve made you into a God. So now what happens?

FRED

You have to find me a name I suppose . . .

GIRL

Can’t I just call you Fred?

FRED

It’s not very Godlike . . .

GIRL

But it is your name . .

FRED

Yes . . .

GIRL

So now I can worship you?

FRED

I don’t know. There may be other considerations . . .

GIRL

Like . . . ?

FRED

I’m not sure I’m qualified to be a God . . .

3
 GIRL

But if I worship you isn’t that enough?

FRED

It depends what you want . . .

GIRL

Just the usual stuff – remission of sins and so forth . . .

FRED

(surprised) Have you got any sins to remit?

GIRL

Of course. We all have sins don’t we?

FRED

Such as . . . ?

GIRL

Let me think. Hostility. Aggression!. Impure thoughts. That sort of thing.

FRED

But have you actually DONE anything? Committed a crime for example?

GIRL

Of course I have! I’m sure I have. I just can’t think of one at the moment.

FRED

Well let me know if you do and we’ll see what can be done.

GIRL

And in the meantime I can keep on worshiping you?

4
 FRED

(resigned) I suppose so.

GIRL

THANKYOU! You see? You just needed to believe in yourself . . .

(music)

SCENE 2
FRED

Hmm . . . Remission of sins . . .

GIRL

Is that alright?

FRED

Well yes, it’s just that remitting sins every day is all very well in its way , ,

GIRL

But?

FRED

But it doesn’t seem like a particularly rewarding activity - day in day out . . .

GIRL

And you are wondering what’s in it for you . . . ?

FRED

To put it bluntly, yes! What is the quid pro quo?

GIRL

5
Why you will be worshipped of course! You will be Fred the God! The One and Only
FRED. Top Dog. Top of the Top Dogs!

FRED

But forgive me, the worship of one young girl is not going to affect my status.

GIRL

Then you need followers! A throng of adherents awed by your ineffable power . . .

FRED

Yes of course! That’s right! We could found a Church!

GIRL

Of course! Brilliant! How do we do that?

FRED

I have to anoint YOU! As my Chosen One. Freda -

The Chosen One of Fred.

GIRL

Freda!

FRED

Is that alright?

GIRL

It’s not my name . . .

FRED

You would be Freda the Leader The Chosen One of Fred.

GIRL

6
 Okay

FRED

Others will be infected by your zeal

GIRL

But how will they know who I am?

FRED

We’ll find someone to proclaim you. He will say “I have seen a vision of Freda the
Chosen One of Fred. She is the Anointed One who will change the world”.

GIRL

But who would do that?

FRED

We need a PR man. Hang about! Rory works for an advertising agency doesn’t he? He
could present you to the public.

GIRL

Mmm

FRED

What’s the matter?

GIRL

You know how shy I am Fred. Couldn’t I change the world sort of sight unseen?

FRED

You could be a hermit I suppose. Hidden in a cave or something?

GIRL

7
 So how can I infect others with my zeal if I’m hidden?

FRED

I know! You could be a stylite!

GIRL

What’s that?

FRED

Stylites were kind of saint/hermits, very powerful, who addressed the multitude from
the tops of poles. High up. Almost out of sight.

GIRL

Gosh!

FRED

It was all the rage in the 5th Century AD. St Alypius spent sixty-seven years on top of a
column. He had thousands of worshipers who came to hear him speak. And some
saints lived on adjacent columns so they could argue with each other across the gap.

GIRL

Good Heavens!

(music)

SCENE 3
GIRL

The thing is I really like the idea of sitting on top of a column to address the multitude,
but

8
 FRED

The toilet facilities - ?

GIRL

If you could supply some amenities -

FRED

Make it comfortable. All Mod Cons -

GIRL

Yes and get me up and down easily -

FRED

A mobile high-speed elevator -

GIRL

And hot baths -

FRED

And a comfy bed -

GIRL

With three hot meals a day -

FRED

And regular toilet breaks -

GIRL

But the problem is -

FRED

Yes?
9
 GIRL

I think we may be missing the point.

FRED

Oh?

GIRL

We have forgotten why I made you a God in the first place.

FRED

Have we?

GIRL

It was because I wanted to believe everything you told me. However improbable,
unlikely or impossible it seemed. Because I needed to worship somebody or something
irrational that could not be explained or understood -

FRED

Well - I can do that.

GIRL

Can you?

FRED

I was just beginning to get the hang of it. Feeling my way into it.

GIRL

Because you see if I cannot worship you, as a God you die.

FRED

Really?

10
 GIRL

Yes. A God who is not worshiped ceases to exist.

FRED

Are you sure about that?

GIRL

Oh yes. It is a known fact.

FRED

So what can I do about it? I rather like being a God now. I’m getting a feel for it.

GIRL

We’ll have to think it through. There must be a solution. Maybe Rory can help?

(music)

SCENE 4
FRED

Rory! At last! How’s it going?

RORY

Fine fine.

FRED

Has Freda filled you in?

RORY

She’s given me the gist of it, but I’ve not much to go on.

11
 FRED

Our mission is still at an early stage, but it’s a good moment to start planning the
presentations I think.

RORY

Right.

FRED

Where is she by the way?

RORY

She’s getting coaching from Nigel. Her exam is coming up soon.

FRED

What exam is that?

RORY

Oh didn’t she tell you? She’s getting her RSGB licence apparently.

FRED

RSGB eh?

RORY

Yes.

FRED

Any idea what that might be?

RORY

Afraid not. But Nigel seems to think it is important.

FRED

12
 OK. Reliable young man is he this Nigel? Presentable and so on.

RORY

Oh yes Lord. Very keen. Well turned-out. Handsome you know.

FRED

And they work closely together?

RORY

Oh yes. They are best of friends. And Nigel likes pretty girls -

FRED

Right. Well keep up the good work Rory.

(music)

SCENE 5
FRED

Alright young lady. Time to face some facts. Get real as they say.

GIRL

Okay

FRED

You appear to have forgotten that I am a God, and you are only Freda my Chosen
One. So it is I who decides who will cease to exist, not you. And if you wish to resign
your position as Anointed One, you will in fact die in the eyes of the world, not I. You
see?

GIRL

13
 Yes Fred.

FRED

Yes Lord.

GIRL

Yes Lord.

FRED

So if I direct you to live on top of a column for sixty-seven years, you will do so, with or
without modern amenities. Is that clear?

GIRL

Yes Lord.

FRED

I believe it may be time to announce the inauguration of The Church of Fred. So we

need to get you proclaimed as The Chosen One. And your column can be integrated
Into the fabric of the building if you like, so all can attend your Meetings for Worship.

GIRL

Thankyou Lord.

FRED

Clearly this process cannot be hurried as it will take several years to establish an
authentic following of enthusiastic worshippers. We can do little without several
thousand supporters to begin with, and must hope for at least a million to establish a
Church worldwide.

GIRL

Worldwide Lord?

14
 FRED

Indeed. That is what we would hope to achieve is it not?

GIRL

If you say so Lord.

FRED

So it is time you started proselytising the members of your own family, school-friends
and immediate circle. Is that clear?

GIRL

Yes Lord.

FRED

We need every soul we can muster.

GIRL

Can I take Rory along to help Lord? He gives me confidence.

FRED

Do what you have to do, but ROPE ‘EM IN!

(music)

SCENE 6
(Rory encourages a crowd of shoppers outside Sainsbury’s)

RORY

FREDA FREDA. FREDA IS OUR LEADER.

THAT IS WHY WE NEED HER.

(crowd shouts)
15
 FREDA FREDA. FREDA IS OUR LEADER.

THAT IS WHY WE NEED HER.

GIRL

How’s it going Rory?

RORY

Okay I think

GIRL

Where’s Nigel? I thought he was going to help you.

RORY

Nigel’s been beheaded Freda.

GIRL

Oh no, not him too. We’re losing people faster than we can replace them.

RORY

It’s the new law “All those whose heads are filled with sedition must be beheaded.”

(FRED enters)

Where is Nigel?

RORY

In the waiting room Lord.

FRED

Send him in to me Rory. With his admission statements.

RORY

At once Lord.
16
 (Enter Nigel with heavy black line tattooed around neck.)

FRED

So young man. Thou hast been preaching sedition I see.

NIGEL

No Fred.

FRED

WHAT! Why dost thou call me Fred?

NIGEL

It is your name I believe.

FRED

ON THY KNEES SCUM! I AM FRED THE GOD! When thou dost address a God it is
advisable to use reverent language!

NIGEL

(laughs) You’re not a God! It’s just a charade to please a pretty girl.

FRED

HA! Thou think’st so dost thou? I shall have thee beheaded!

NIGEL

I’ve already been beheaded Fred. Look. (Shows tattoo.)

FRED

Then thou art dying a terrible death - slow painful and demeaning.

NIGEL

17
 We are all dying Fred. Some more slowly than others.

FRED

GET OUT! LEAVE MY PRESENCE AT ONCE! Thou hast no place here. Thou art an
anomaly. An anachronism! Send Freda to me.

NIGEL

(laughing as he goes) Of course Fred.

FRED

Freda we need to increase the size of our flock by twenty thousand at least to get
started. How goes the proselytising?

GIRL

The thing is, word gets round about the beheadings and people are a little wary -

FRED

How many blackguards have been punished so far?

GIRL

Well the last figure I saw was 4,000. That was a week ago. There have been other
cases.

FRED

4,000! But that is almost our whole congregation! This is serious Freda. If we lose our
worshippers, thou knowest what is at stake . . .

GIRL

Indeed I do Lord. A God who has no worshippers ceases to exist.

FRED

All hangs by a thread. We need a bigger area of intake. We MUST increase the
18
 number of conversions. Where does our Southern border lie? How far South?

GIRL

Oxford was our latest intake.

FRED

Then we may have to consider the West Coast area.The annexation of Weston-super-
Mare has long been on my mind. Check it out wilt thou Freda. We may need to use the
Territorial Army to occupy the Mendip Hills. This would give us a strategic advantage
over the low-lying Severn Valley and the Bristol area.

GIRL

You are going to INVADE THE WEST COUNTRY Lord?

FRED

I shall do nothing. Thou shalt invade in my name. Freda the Chosen One of Fred will
be The Leader. Freda the Leader will install a New World Order. No time to be lost.

GIRL

But - my column!

FRED

Thy column can wait. If there are no multitudes to preach to, it will not be much use.
Thou must conquer new territory first. To increase our intake of followers. If thou dost
feel unequal to the task, then resign and Rory will take over. He will promote the IDEA.
And it is the IDEA that wins, not the army of soldiers.

GIRL

But what IS the idea Lord?

FRED

The idea is WAR Freda. War against the Self. To combat the Forces of Darkness
19
 within. To transform the prurient animal self and transmute it into Purity and Light. To
redeem ourselves of Sin so we may dwell in the Holy Path of Righteousness in the
Way of the Lord. I Fred the God have chosen THEE as Freda the Leader to perform
this mighty work. Art thou up to it? Or must we replace thee with someone else? It was
thy wish to worship me as a God remember.

GIRL

I remember Lord. How could I forget? Thou hast lit a flame in my heart that will carry
me forward. We will SUCCEED in this venture. We will WIN this battle and create a
New World Order. This I vow on my knees. There is only One Fred and I am thy
Chosen One. Freda the Leader is going to Change the World.

(shouts)

COME ON YOU SLUGS, YOU VERMIN, YOU PATHETIC LICE, ROUSE

YOURSELVES AND SHOW US WHO YOU ARE.

I am Freda your Leader the Chosen One of Fred

You have the choice of Victory or ending up stone dead

If you have not the will to fight you should have stayed in bed

You lily-livered parasites I thought your blood was RED!

(crowd shouts)

FREDA THE LEADER THE CHOSEN ONE OF FRED

FREDA THE LEADER THE CHOSEN ONE OF FRED

WE FOLLOW YOU FREDA

SPEAK TO US FREDA

SPEAK AND WE WILL FOLLOW (exit shouting)

(music)
20
 SCENE 7
FRED

Freda! Freda! Where art thou?

GIRL

(distant voice) I’m up here Lord.

FRED

Where? Where?

GIRL

On top of this smoke-stack Lord. There’s a maintenance ladder.

FRED

But thou should’st be annexing Weston-super-Mare as I ordered

GIRL

The crowd would not let me depart Lord. They wished to hear me speak.

CROWD SHOUTS

FREDA IS OUR LEADER. THAT IS WHY WE NEED HER.

FRED

Oh very well then. Get on with it.

GIRL

(shouts) SILENCE YOU VERMIN YOU WORMS YOU MINDLESS SLUGS. YOU
OFFEND ME WITH YOUR CLAMOUR. ARE YOU NOT ASHAMED, INFECTED AS
YOU ARE BY THE DARKNESS WITHIN, BY THE STINKING BREATH OF YOUR
BENIGHTED SOULS, BY THE MANIFEST PRURIENCE OF YOUR LIVES - SPEAK

21
 OUT IF YOU ARE ASHAMED

WE ARE ASHAMED

GIRL

Are you ready to confront your own darkness?

WE ARE READY

GIRL

Have you the strength to fight a Holy War?

WE HAVE THE STRENGTH

GIRL

Then depart in Peace to fast for three days in penitence for the sins you have
committed. And pray to the Almighty Fred for forgiveness, that his compassion may
cleanse your poor polluted souls and strengthen you for the Great Battle to come.

(CROWD DRIFTS AWAY MUTTERING)

FRED

Well I never!

GIRL

(distant voice still out of sight) Shall I come down now Lord?

FRED

Yes come down Freda. Mind the ladder. (If only she’d do as I ask. But she’s so keen)

GIRL

(breathless) Was that alright Lord?

22
 FRED

Yes that was fine Freda. It’s just that I was hoping to invade the West Country
today . . . .

GIRL

They wouldn’t let me Lord. They were clamouring for my messages.

FRED

But we need to increase our intake. My existence - I mean our venture is at stake.

GIRL

There seemed to be a few thousand in that crowd Lord. And it wasn’t advertised you
know. They came by word of mouth -

FRED

Let’s ask Rory. He may suggest recording thy voice or distributing pamphlets.

GIRL

Or Nelson’s Column?

FRED

I believe that’s already occupied. But the principle is sound. The higher thou art, the
more heavenly the message. Three days of prayer and fasting give us space to plan.

GIRL

I think I may already have an idea Lord.

FRED

Oh dear.

(music)

23
 SCENE 8
(Freda’s amplified voice proclaiming loudly in the distance)

GIRL

On your knees scum. Cower in the dust. Shake and tremble at the sins you have
committed. Be penitent. Fast and Pray. Fast and pray that your soul may be saved.

FRED

Where is she? Rory where is she?

RORY

I don’t know Lord. We’ve been searching for days. She has some kind of hidden
speaker system - all-round sound - but it can’t be traced to any local source.

GIRL

Cover your heads in shame. Sack-cloth and ashes. Sack-cloth and ashes. Fast and
pray. Fast and pray.

FRED

Then where on earth is she?

RORY

Well that’s just it Lord. We believe she may not be on earth at all.

FRED

WHAT!

RORY

You see that tiny dot way way up high in the sky? A satellite Lord. You can receive
sound from a satellite.

24
 FRED

Yes yes of course. Well?

RORY

We have traced the signal to 620 miles up in the sky.

FRED

So that’s easy. You can discover the source of the broadcast down here.

RORY

Well that’s just it Lord. There doesn’t seem to be a source on earth.

FRED

You mean the voice might be coming from the satellite itself?

RORY

It looks like it Lord.

FRED

Then Freda could be . . .

RORY

On the satellite Lord. It is only a hypothesis. We’re still working on it.

FRED

So how did she get there?

GIRL

Are you not ashamed you worms you lice you crawling insects? Hide. Hide yourselves
away. Cover your heads in shame. Fast and pray. Sack-cloth and ashes. Fast and
pray. Shame! Shame! Shame!

25
 RORY

We wondered about a weather satellite Lord. They can operate at 22,000 miles up.

FRED

So contact the weather station.

RORY

We’ve done that. They say satellites are not designed for human habitation.

FRED

What about a meteorological balloon?

RORY

Weather balloons only climb to 18 miles. This is 620 miles high.

FRED

I’m a little worried about Freda. She’s upset by this news that Astronauts left their poo
on the Moon and thinks someone should go back to clear it up.

GIRL

You know the darkness in your hearts. The horror of your deeds. The stench of your
prurient souls. Cower in shame. Hide your face. Sack-cloth and ashes. Fast and pray.

FRED

Can’t you turn this thing off? It’s a bit wearing isn’t it?

RORY

We have tried Lord, but only succeeded in blocking out all the television channels. And
that didn’t make us very popular. It’s just hovering you see Lord. Hovering in plain
sight.

FRED
26
 Hovering did you say?

RORY

Yes Lord. Hovering.

FRED

You mean HOVERING? Like an unidentified flying object?

RORY

Mmm

FRED

Well?

RORY

Well yes Lord. Hovering like a UFO.

GIRL

Your time is up here on earth. Repent or die! Repent or die! Earthlings your days are
numbered. The time is nigh. Your days are over Earthlings.

FRED

EARTHLINGS? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That she may have been -

RORY

Abducted? Yes Lord. Or worse . . .

FRED

WORSE? What could be worse?

RORY

We have been assisted by SPACE FORCE in these investigations. And they believe it

27
 possible she may have been planted Lord.

FRED

PLANTED?

GIRL

Earthlings your days are numbered . . .

FRED

You mean - she may have been working for - ?

RORY

For extra-terrestials. Yes Lord.

FRED

ALIENS you mean?

GIRL

The time is nigh. Repent or die.

RORY

Yes. Or even . . . I’m afraid . . .

FRED

SHE MAY HERSELF BE AN ALIEN? Planted to sow alarm and despondency here?

RORY

(sighs) It is possible Lord.

FRED

But she told me I was a God! And I believed her!

28
 RORY

(sighs again) These aliens can be very clever . . .

(GIRL enters)

Well that was fun. (Fred and Rory gasp) What’s the matter?

FRED

Where - where have you been?

GIRL

I’ve been in my recording studio.

FRED

But - what have you been doing?

GIRL

I’ve been trying out my new RSGB license. Bouncing sound off the ionosphere.
(proudly) I’m now a qualified Radio Ham. I told you I had an idea.

FRED

RSBG?

GIRL

Radio Society of Great Britain. Nigel’s a clever young man. He’s helped me a lot.

FRED

And I gather he’s rather handsome?

GIRL

Oh yes. And you’ll be glad to know Lord that the invasion of the West Country is under
way and my troops occupying the Mendip Hills poised for a strike on Weston -super-
Mare. With the assistance of the Territorial Army of course. I knew you’d be pleased.
29
 FRED

But - but

GIRL

I’m sorry it took so long. But “The Wheels of God grind slowly” as Thou Knowest Lord.
So the sooner we take over BBC West the better. We can proclaim our victory on the
News. I leave the handout to you Rory. Forgive me, I have work to do. (exits)

FRED

Now what?

(music)

SCENE 9
FRED

You see - the thing is, she could still be . . .

RORY

An alien. Yes, In which case . . .

FRED

I am no longer a God. Quite.

RORY

But you launched a plan to annexe The West Country.

FRED

In her name!

RORY
30
 So you can blame her.

FRED

BUT she can also blame ME.

RORY

While both of you can blame an alien life force. Extra-terrestials who have used you to
accomplish their scheme to take over our planet.

(BOTH TOGETHER)

Switch on the radio! BBC West

RADIO ANNOUNCER

“ . . . Dog-walkers were surprised to discover unusual troop movements in the Mendip

Hills. A great number of explosions and reciprocated rifle fire alerted them to the
presence of the Territorial Army, apparently conducting extensive training exercises. An
unusually large military camp with heavy artillery, tanks and a convoy of army lorries is
quietly proceeding along the A371 in the direction of Weston-super-Mare. The Ministry
of Defence has refused to comment for fear of compromising a highly secret operation.
In fact, nobody seems quite to know what is going on . . ”

FRED

Well, Thank God for that! (switching it off)

RORY

Yes, Thankyou God. (Sorry!)

FRED

Rory I’ve had an idea. We’ve got to feed the media - take their minds off this and give
them a juicy story they can get their teeth into. You’re good at that.

RORY
31
 Okay

FRED

Have there been any UFO sightings in the Severn Estuary lately?

RORY

Funny you should mention that. In fact someone filmed a UFO hovering over the beach
at Weston-super-Mare in August 2017. It’s on the internet.

FRED

Which could justify Territorial Army manoeuvres in the area?

RORY

I suppose so.

FRED

Because we need to create a generalised paranoia. People must not be able to trace
this invasion story back to me.

RORY

But Freda is preaching it to the multitudes from her chimney stacks.

FRED

Then she must be stopped.

RORY

How?

FRED

Blow them up.

32
 (music)

SCENE 10
FRED

People love seeing things blown up Rory. You can say chimneys could be used by
Aliens to attract harmful cosmic rays, like radar towers during the war. So Civil Defence
Organisations co-opt the Territorial Army to tear them down using local steeplejacks
who are experts in demolition. People will believe anything when they are paranoid.
And everyone is secretly afraid of an alien invasion. Hand me the binoculars - we can
see the A371 and the coast road from here can’t we?

(Sound of drumming as troops march towards the coast)

GIRL

I am Freda your leader the Chosen One of Fred

You have the choice of Victory or ending up stone dead

If you didn’t want to fight you should have stayed in bed

You lily-livered parasites I thought your blood was red!

(marching crowd shouts)

FREDA OUR LEADER THE CHOSEN ONE OF FRED

FREDA OUR LEADER THE CHOSEN ONE OF FRED

RORY

She is bent on capturing Weston-super-Mare. They have been marching over the
Mendips and along the A371. She is on a roll.

FRED

Leave her to me. I’ll explain the need for a flexible agenda. We may need to reignite
33
her passion for a purpose-built column strategically incorporated into the architectural
designs for The Church of Fred.

RORY

And if she won’t co-operate?

FRED

Then I’m afraid it’s CHCHCH! (makes gesture)

RORY

BEHEADING!

FRED

They don’t actually die you know. It’s only a symbolic death invented by Turkish and
Persian Muslims in the 7th Century. To enable them to depict human figures in their
miniatures without dishonouring God. Who is of course the only One able to create
Life. So they used to draw a heavy black line around the neck, to prove that the person
was not in fact alive.

RORY

And it works?

FRED

Oh yes. By auto-suggestion. The subject can lose the will to live slowly and
imperceptibly. So people are very afraid of it. It is a sort of ritual death by tattoo.

RORY

But you wouldn’t want to kill Freda would you?

FRED

34
Of course not. But she seems rather carried away by her role as Chosen One and I’m
afraid the power is getting to her. “All Power corrupts” you know Rory.

RORY

I had noticed Lord.

(music)

SCENE 11
FRED

Your job now Rory is to persuade the Media that there is a viable threat of invasion
from Outer Space and that Aliens are using high prominent buildings to infect us with
the Coronavirus. Which is why the Territorial Army is preparing for War and all chimney
stacks must be demolished. You’ve been practising the Art of Persuasion all your life
Rory. Are you up for it now our very existence may be in peril?

RORY

Your existence Lord if I may say so. But of course I’ll do what I can.

(CROWD CHANTS)

FREDA FREDA FREDA IS OUR LEADER.

THAT IS WHY WE NEED HER

FRED

Meanwhile I’ve had an idea. The West Country Invasion could be explained as a
Military Tactic to divert attention away from a real danger of infection in the North East
where UFO activity has magnified the Coronavirus in the last few months.

RORY

Has it?

35
 FRED

We don’t know, because the Ministry of Defence closed its X-Files in 2009 due to
swamping by public reports and insufficient man-power to deal with them. The MOD
realised it might be an Alien invasion but they had not the resources to tackle it. So our
story would not be misinformation, but a diversionary tactic like the one used by
Churchill to distract attention from the D-Day landings.

RORY

Right. I’ll get on with it.

FRED

And if that fails we invent a third invasion in the Thames Estuary.

GIRL bursts in

They’ve blown up my chimney Lord!

FRED

What?

GIRL

I was planning to address the multitude at 4pm, and as I approached the chimney on
the sky-line collapsed in a heap of dust!

FRED

I’m so sorry Freda. What a shame! I’d no idea thou wast planning a public meeting.

GIRL

Thousands of people were being bussed in from surrounding areas. It was a huge
attraction.

FRED

36
 That is sad!

(pause)

GIRL

What is sad is that these were newly-converted followers of your ineffable power.
Adherents of The New Church of Fred. All that Thou asked for Lord. Thy Chosen One
has created a huge multitude of adoring worshippers. But now she is being
mysteriously sabotaged.

FRED

Sabotaged? What dost thou mean?

GIRL

I mean that the power you invested in me your Chosen One is being strategically
undermined by forces beyond my control. Dammit Fred what is going on?

FRED

HOW DAREST THOU ADDRESS THE LORD THY GOD IN THIS FASHION? On thy
knees child and crave forgiveness of the Celestial Master thou thyself did’st
choose to worship and adore. Now the adored God of multitudes of followers

GIRL

They are not following you Fred. They are following me. Listen!

(crowd roars)

FREDA, FREDA, FREDA IS OUR LEADER

THAT IS WHY WE NEED HER

FRED

STOP THAT! THIS IS TREASON! SEDITION! TREACHERY! OFF WITH HER HEAD!

37
 GIRL

Too late Fred. My troops have already taken Weston-super-Mare.

(music)

SCENE 12
RORY (bursts in)

Have you heard the news? It’s on the radio. Freda has taken the West Country.
Multitudes of worshippers are celebrating in the streets. They are calling her THE
ANTIVIRUS GODDESS.

FRED

THE GODDESS!

GIRL

I to’d ya Fred. And some of them want to know who ordered the destruction of the
chimney. They suspect you may have had a hand in it yourself Fred.

FRED

WHAT? Who are these people? Let them be tracked down and rounded up. This
is sedition. They must be beheaded!

GIRL

Are you saying you didn’t order it to be blown up then?

FRED

That is Classified TOP SECRET information. I am not at liberty to divulge it.

GIRL

So how did it get into the paper this morning? And on the News? Turn on the radio
Rory.
38
 RADIO ANNOUNCER

“Reports are coming in of another attack on a chimney in the West Country, where
witnesses describe the dismantling of a high tower at 3 o’clock in the morning. The
venue was advertised as a Meeting for Healing Worship by the Stylite Goddess, Freda
the Leader, and large numbers of tickets had been sold for the event, due to take place
at 4pm. No-one has officially claimed responsibility for the sabotage, but there are
rumours that The Church of Fred was aware of the venue and timing and may have
been anticipating . . . . ”

FRED

TURN IT OFF! Who broke that story to the Press? I knew it! People are working
against us even in our campaign headquarters! Have you explained on air that it is only
a diversionary tactic Rory? That the real danger lies elsewhere in Humberside and the
North East where an Alien Invasion of the Virus is suspected?

(CROWD SHOUTS)

WE WANT THE GODDESS! GIVE US THE GODDESS!

WE WANT THE GODDESS! GIVE US THE GODDESS!

GIRL

It’s too big now Fred. Women are rising up. Ready to take over. You’ve had your time.
We have been humiliated and patronised long enough. Our time has come.

FRED

But who are you Freda? Who pulls your strings? Where do you really come from?

GIRL

Why I come from Latimer Close Fred. You know that. Round the corner from you, near
the Library.

(phone rings. RORY ANSWERS)

39
 Just a minute. Say that again. (SHHH!) Could you repeat that please. You’re sure
about this are you Donald? (Please be quiet a minute) OK. And you’ve informed the
Associated Press? And the BBC? So it will be on the News? Thanks for contacting me
Donald. I really appreciate it. (Hangs up) Um. I think we’d better listen to the News.
That was my contact at the MOD.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

“An important announcement from The Prime Minister

PRIME MINISTER’S VOICE

“We repeat that there is no occasion for alarm. The Ministry of Defence assure us that
the appearance of such a huge object hovering over the Thames Estuary is almost
certainly associated with the filming of “Space Horse”, an American docudrama
illustrating the new SPACE FORCE initiative from The White House. Claims that it is a
Mother Ship designed to assist an Alien Coronavirus Invasion from Outer Space have
been poo-pooed by the Ministry of Defence, who maintain they have the situation
under control and are keeping a close eye on events. Visitors are advised to stay well
away from the area, now designated a MOD Militarised Zone, as there may be active
fire in the vicinity due to routine training exercises and troop movements on all access
roads. I repeat that there is nothing to worry about. Please STAY HOME, STAY SAFE,
AND KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. Thankyou.”

FRED

Turn it off Rory. What did I say? I warned you this might happen. A bogus “Alien
Invasion” of the Thames Estuary. We had already anticipated such a fake manoeuvre
in Weston-super-Mare. All a huge bluff! But we are not falling for it.

GIRL

Just a minute. My troops have already annexed Weston-super-Mare under your

40
 instructions Fred, as I shall not hesitate to inform the press. It is you who is bluffing.
(exits)

RORY

I think we should be careful how we handle direct information from the MOD. My
source has always proved reliable in the past.

(music)

SCENE 13
FRED

Can this be true Rory? About the Mother ship?

RORY

We may never know. I imagine there will be a strict exclusion zone from now on to
prevent aerial coverage from helicopters, drones or low-flying aircraft who could film it.
But there will be general panic and confusion just the same

FRED

So we got what we wanted. With bells on. But we have lost the initiative Rory. We need
to reclaim the front page, launch a huge advertising campaign to wake up the public.
Inspire them. Open up their horizons. Give them new hope.

RORY

Advertising costs money Lord. It is very expensive.

FRED

Then we need a new project that will PAY! THAT will impress Freda. She told me I was
a God Rory, and I believed her. Now she is gone! Left me! My Chosen One! And I
thought she believed in me!

41
 RORY

And so she does Lord.

FRED

Ousted! I’ve been ousted! She’s left me to become a Goddess!

RORY

She’ll be back. You’re a bit shook up Lord, that’s all. It’s as you say – you need a new
project to put you back on your feet again.

FRED

That’s right! We need to regain the initiative with a big campaign. Something original –
innovative – inspirational -- to lift people’s spirits – cheer them up a bit!

RORY

That’s the ticket!

FRED

Hang on! I’ve got an idea!

END OF PART ONE

(music)

42
 part two NIRVANA

SCENE ONE
RORY

So you are turning into a drug pusher?

FRED

No, it’s a perfectly innocent little garden mint called Salvia. It’s growing in my back yard
if you want to know. It is quite legal, you can eat it or drink it or smoke it – it has no ill
effects. And it may save the world from the Coronavirus because it has consciousness-
raising properties. It can open up the psyche to the transcendent wonders of creation.
It is a spiritual tool to enhance our understanding of the Universe and the part we can
play here in our daily lives.

RORY

It’s a hallucinogenic then?

FRED

43
 It is a Mexican herb in daily use by Shamans and spiritual healers since the dawn of
Creation. It is innocent Rory. You cannot believe I would involve myself in anything that
would cause harm to others?

RORY

So why do you need my help?

FRED

We need Visibility to market it. No-one knows who we are, so we need prestige to gain
respect in the world market.

RORY

So how does one gain prestige overnight?

FRED

Well I thought you could start by proposing me for the OBE. Why, what’s the matter
with that?

RORY

But – you’re a God Lord.

FRED

So? Cannot a God wear a gong?

RORY

It’s … it’s just not what one would expect from a religious icon Lord.

FRED

Rot. There’s often a symbiotic relationship between Spiritual and the Earthly powers.
Prince Gautama of Lumbini in Nepal became Buddha. A billionaire businessman and
44
military leader became the Prophet Mohammed. Bishops live in Palaces and sit in The
House of Lords, and the greatest landowner after The Queen is The Church of
England. Power exerts a spell Rory; it attracts investors. So will you put up my name
for the OBE? It’s not difficult – you just have to fill in a few forms. We can go for a
knighthood later.

(music)

SCENE TWO
RORY

He wants the OBE Freda, so he can increase his visibility.

GIRL

I would have thought he was alarmingly visible already.

RORY

He’s launching a company to save the world from Coronavirus by raising our level of
consciousness and expanding our inner landscape.

GIRL

Sounds expensive.

RORY

Well no actually it’s a weed that grows in your back garden.

GIRL

I’ve been growing weeds successfully for years, and no-one’s offered me an OBE yet.

RORY

Maybe that’s because they were not hallucinogenic?

GIRL
45
 Oh no don’t tell me – he’s become a drug-pusher!

RORY

Well possibly. But possibly not. He says these plants have a long pedigree as genuine
healing aides, are completely legal and could be a cure for the Coronavirus.

GIRL

So, what’s the catch?

RORY

I’m not sure that there is one. They may even work.

GIRL

There’s only one way to find out.

BOTH TOGETHER

Take some!

(music)

SCENE THREE
(The garden at night, owls hooting)

GIRL

I love you Rory.

RORY

I love you too Freda. But keep your distance Darling. You’re a little close.

GIRL.

Your soul seems to glimmer like the moon. Are you sure you’re eating the right stuff?
46
 RORY

Garden mint he said. This is mint isn’t it?

GIRL

Don’t know. Don’t care. It smells alright. La la la! Have some of mine my darling. La la!

RORY

Whoops! Oh yes that’s lovely. You have a most tender inner light. Did I tell you that?

GIRL

I’m afraid I don’t remember ha ha ha! It’s a wonderful night – We’ll build a stairway to
the stars, a lovely stairway to the stars – This stuff is good! Some-one should package
it and sell it on the open market for the virus. They’d make a fortune!

RORY

That’s what I was saying. And Fred agreed. He often agrees with me you know Freda.
He is sometimes very perceptive. Did you know that?

GIRL

Of course he is. Because you are in harmony with the Cosmos – know what I mean?

RORY

You are very perceptive too my Darling. I’ve always thought so.

(music)

SCENE FOUR
GIRL

Well, that was fun.

47
 RORY

Yes, the effects don’t last long do they?

GIRL

But you were talking about visibility. Why?

RORY

Well you know Gods love a challenge, and the Church of Fred is not doing as well as
he hoped. I think he’s lost confidence a bit. Especially since your career as a Goddess
took off so spectacularly.

GIRL

I’m only doing what he asked.

RORY

But he feels forsaken. He thinks you don’t believe in him anymore.

GIRL

Oh dear. You can’t win can you?

RORY

The main thing is it’s cheered him up a bit, this new project – he’s back in control and
can dictate the future. He’s even invented an anthem and a flag.

GIRL

You’re joking!

RORY

The anthem goes (sings to Beethoven’s Ode to Joy)

“Salve salve divinorum

48
 Divinorum sees you right

Take your Salve in the morning

Divinorum every night”

GIRL

I like it!

RORY

He’s like a six-year-old, he makes it up as he goes along.

GIRL

That’s why I love him.

RORY

Because you can manipulate him. You’re in charge really.

GIRL

Only up to a point. He has a real masculine thrust. He’s a loose cannon; that’s exciting.

RORY

And dangerous?

GIRL

It could be Rory, he’s volatile and unpredictable. But he makes things happen.

(music)

SCENE FIVE
FRED

It’s all in the packaging Rory. The secret of successful marketing. Customers must feel
49
 they are buying into a dream or personal vision – accessing their heart’s desire while
protected from the virus. Salvia Divinorum - salve for a wounded God – what could be
more appropriate.

RORY

But you are not wounded Lord.

FRED

In my soul Rory. My soul is wounded. My Chosen One has left me –

RORY

Right. Well, to get back to the packaging -

FRED

The customer decides in FOUR SECONDS if your product interests him. We must
consider clarity, security, practicality and quality. In our case of course the benign gift of
Natural Healing – a common garden weed sent to save Mankind and exalt his soul.
This is GRACE Rory - it is a SPIRITUAL mission we are entrusted with.

RORY

OK, but do we sell it as a salad leaf, a powder, a drink, a tea-bag or a vaporising oil?

FRED

All of these Rory. We’ll see which catches on. Our first concern must be harvesting the
sacred plant itself - by the full moon to preserve its holy vibrations. Then to presenting
and packaging it. Who could help us with the selection and picking do you think?

RORY

Nigel might do that, he loves to wander in the woods at night.

FRED

50
 Sound him out Rory. We could put him on the pay-roll if he likes.

(music)

SCENE SIX
RORY

He seems to have forgotten about the beheading Nigel. He wants you on the pay-roll.

NIGEL

That’s all very well, but I’m the one left with a tattoo round my neck.

RORY

I shouldn’t worry too much about that. It’s now regarded as a fashion statement and is
being adopted by all the pop stars.

NIGEL

So what does he want me to do?

RORY

Go out in the woods at full moon and pick all the Salvia you can find.

NIGEL

Is this a joke?

RORY

‘Fraid not. He is convinced this little plant will save Mankind from the Coronavirus and
wants to invest huge resources in it.

NIGEL

I see. He’s a drug-pusher then. Salvia is a mind-altering hallucinogen you know.

51
 RORY

Yes. I’ve tried it.

NIGEL

Have you by God? I’m impressed. How did you get on?

RORY

It was nice. I felt the better for it. The effects don’t last long and it’s quite legal of
course.

NIGEL

OK. I’m prepared to give it a go. As long as he doesn’t start tattooing me again.

RORY

No I think he’s moved on from that now. He’s in love you know.

NIGEL

Who would have guessed it.

(music)

SCENE SEVEN
FRED

Now Nigel, how do you feel about harvesting this sacred plant by the full moon?

NIGEL

No problem Fred, as long as I can see it. I don’t want to start picking tulips by mistake.

FRED

No danger of that – there are no tulips, only Heaven’s wildflowers.

52
 NIGEL

OK. So what about the packaging?

FRED

Well ideally there should be no packaging – just the sense of a magical bouquet
offered by Nature herself to heal the wounds of our modern age. But in fact we are
constrained by supermarket shelf-life to a world of hermetically sealed plastic wrappers
and impenetrable containers. If only we could find a way to breach these defences and
enter the citadel of Holistic Healing -

NIGEL

Perhaps that can be achieved by the design?

FRED

In what way?

NIGEL

Could I experiment a little and show you what I come up with?

FRED

Excellent idea. And I feel I owe you something after the damage I inflicted on you.

NIGEL

Don’t worry Fred. I gather I’ve started a trend and neck tattoos are all the rage.

(music)

SCENE EIGHT
RORY

And that was how it started. Nigel had no thought of Revenge whatever people might
say, he was just seeking a creative solution to a design problem.
53
 GIRL

So what did he do?

RORY

Hoping to present the plants in a “Heavenly Bouquet” as Fred demanded, he added

some tiny innocent white flowers to the Salvia display and enclosed the lot in a
hermetically sealed plastic wrapper. Then he pasted on a charming label with a water-
colour flower print and Fred’s portrait in the middle. It was delightful, I saw it myself.
Fred loved it.

GIRL

Go on.

RORY

So they moved swiftly before the plants could deteriorate in transit and went into
production, exporting samples in huge numbers all over the world. Fred’s backers were
enthusiastic and managed to raise large sums on the stock exchange and it really took
off as he had predicted. So a huge advertising campaign was launched to exploit its
success and celebrities endorsed it on TV happily munching the leaves in a salad,
drinking the herb tea, massaging themselves with the Salvia oil or vaping it through a
cigarette holder. Prices rocketed and investors made a lot of money. Fred included.

GIRL

So what happened?

RORY

People suddenly began to get ill, and there were several deaths unconnected with the
virus - almost a mass poisoning. No-one could understand it as Salvia has been a
recognised healing herb since the dawn of time. Then by chance someone retrieved
one of the plastic containers in which the plants had arrived, and found remnants of the

54
delicate little flowers of Water Parsley used for decoration. They got them analysed.

GIRL

And?

RORY

There is another name for water parsley. It used to be called HEMLOCK. The most
powerful poison of the ancient world, it kills within hours. When the Athenians wished
Socrates to kill himself in 399 BC it was by drinking hemlock that he died.

GIRL

Oh dear

RORY

So that’s why I’m trying to find him.

GIRL

In case he’s been drinking hemlock?

RORY

I need a Press handout. All the TV stations, Radio, Daily Newspapers, want to talk to
him. But he’s not answering his phone.

GIRL

He’s scarpered. Disappeared.

RORY

You mean he’s run away?

GIRL

Yep. He’s on the run. Fled into exile like Prospero. Gone to ground in the forest. But I
think I know where to find him.
55
 (music)

SCENE NINE
THE FOREST Wind Owls hooting, FRED is dressed as Prospero with long staff:

FRED

This forest dates back 541 million years, before the birth of the microscopic life which
created the Cambrian Explosion and the first fossil record. So there is an unusual
source of energy here which operates at a profound level. A coherent force that
sustains us, directs our daily lives and reveals what is hidden.

GIRL

Does this mean our wishes can be fulfilled Lord?

(TRANSCENDENTAL MUSIC)

FRED

The fulfillment of all that is wished is not wished, but a deliverance from wishing.
Where wants are not satisfied for there are no wants and satisfaction is a lack of
wanting. Where space is filled by emptying, by loosening, by losing and not finding, by
letting the leaf go with the river, because there is no loss, just as there is no finding.
What is willed is not of our making, not of our design, but a discovery, a finding without
seeking, a disclosure of things not hidden, a revelation of what is known, a story
already told. This is no surprise, only a confirmation of itself, unexpected because not
suspected, realized in the moment of fulfillment, accomplished because it is time. Only
Time knows this story, a story already told but not repeated, already known but not
acknowledged, because it is not recognised and we do not know it when we see it.
This is our loss and our gain. The finding of what was not lost is our reward for not
looking. So fulfillment cannot be wished. (END MUSIC)

RORY whispers
56
 What’s happening?

GIRL

(whispers) Shhh! He’s channeling the forest.

RORY

Wow! So perhaps he really is a God?

GIRL

Maybe we all are?

RORY

In that case perhaps we can all do it? It’ so peaceful here.

(TRANSCENDENTAL MUSIC)

This peace hangs ripe and heavy in the air like fruit, golden and soft, breathing and
shimmering, so thick you can slice it, as if the world had just been made and God was
looking at it. Is this what he meant then? What he had in mind? This dense and
stunning consciousness, this awareness, the astounding energy of this stillness? This
now can never come again. We cannot keep it till later. We cannot bottle it or buy it or
sell it or bury it. It is a gift because we don’t deserve it, (or what are gifts for?) Nothing
moves but the tiny stirring of insects.Birds are silent, the tranquilising dove is stupefied,
and the dazed world has stopped in wonder – what has happened? Should it go round
the other way? This chalice may not come to us again, let us drink from it now and
remember in days to come. (END MUSIC)

GIRL

That’s beautiful Rory. It’s midday isn’t it? You can always tell because the birds go
quiet.

(TRANSCENDENTAL MUSIC)

57
Silence at Noon, older than knowing or unknowing, this held breath tells us that we are
mortal, that we are sacred, the answer to no known question. Silence at noon nails us
down senseless, uncomprehending, a sacrament in another language, beyond our
grasp, dense with meaning, with implications for our dwindled state we can no longer
hear. Silence at Noon, we know not who we are or why, understanding has left us, the
tide gone out and we are stranded, unfinished, incomplete, swamped by eternity.
Silence at Noon – unpeopled streets and empty skies, a shred of light fidgets an oak-
leaf but nothing moves. For seven hundred years the Angelus bell flooded these fields
and woods, lifting the labourer’s face to heaven, emptying skies and putting the birds
to bed. And now we live in a secular age this elemental energy holds us still, for no-one
has told the birds that God is dead. (END MUSIC)

Listen. There’s someone singing in the woods.

RORY

That’s Nigel. Maybe he’s channeling too?

(TRANSCENDENTAL MUSIC)

NIGEL sings

Be still and know that I am what is lost and not recovered. That I am where you never
expect to find me. That I am what you did not know was lost and have discovered, and
unbind me. Be still and know that I am always behind you, here in the one place you
can never see, and do not let demeaning terrors blind you, but set me free. Be still and
know that I am always dancing over the void you fear but cannot resist, and when I
seem most to retreat I am most advancing, let me exist. Be still and know I’ll arrive
when you least expect me, that I will always come to you unbidden, that you most
invite me when you most reject me, that I am hidden. Be still and know that I am the
rising waters, that I am the ghastly vision that makes you ill, that I am the fearful
dreams of your sons and daughters, and in the name of God be still. (END MUSIC)

(SILENCE)
58
 RORY

(looking at phone) I’ve just had an email from the BBC. They are offering you an OBE
Fred. And the position of Spiritual Advisor on the Coronavirus. Are you interested?

FRED

Not really.

RORY

We’ll talk about it later shall we?

FRED

No.

(TRANSCENDENTAL MUSIC)

No more words. No more anything. Just silence. And an ever-increasing pull

downwards towards the centre of the earth. Our breathing is stilled, suspended, held in
trust, and the deeper we go the stronger we get and the deeper we want to go. It has
been a long journey, there were times when we wondered if we would make it, but
here we are at last, we can relax now, kick off our shoes and take it easy, it’s a relief,
everything so simple. We can be who we are here, in fact there is nothing else we can
be for we are like young children, open-eyed, clear sighted, knowing nothing, seeing
all.

(END MUSIC)

GIRL

Dear Fred. You’ve come a long way.

FRED

I’ve got no followers now, and no street cred. So in your words “I have ceased to exist”.

GIRL
59
 Not to me you haven’t. You’re still the dishy bloke down the road from the library.

FRED

Do you really find me dishy Freda?

GIRL

Of course. I always have. You were my hero when I was a kid. I used to worship you.

FRED

You don’t worship me now though.

GIRL

Why not? Because you got a little carried away? Because you are a handsome man
with a kind heart and broad shoulders always willing to have a go? What’s not to like?

FRED

I thought you liked Nigel. He seems to like you. And he’s very good-looking.

GIRL

Gay men often like women. Especially the dishy ones. They feel safer with us.

FRED

Nigel is GAY?

GIRL

You’d better ask Rory.

FRED

Oh dear. I really am out of the loop aren’t I?

GIRL
60
 You’re still in my loop Fred. Always will be. Don’t you believe me?

FRED

Do you know I believe everything you tell me, however improbable, unlikely or
impossible it seems. I relinquish what intelligence remains to me and make you into a
Goddess.

(She laughs)

FRED

OK. I’ve made you into a Goddess. Now what happens?

GIRL

You have to find me a name I suppose.

FRED

Can’t I just call you Shirley?

GIRL

It’s not very Goddess-like.

FRED

But it is your name, isn’t it?

GIRL

Of course it is. I thought you’d forgotten.

FRED

So now can I worship you?

GIRL

It depends what you want.

61
 FRED

Oh just the usual stuff. Putting up with my nonsense, you know.

GIRL

Have you got a lot of nonsense to put up with?

FRED

Let me think - Power-mania. Delusions. Nothing serious.

GIRL

No problem.

FRED

So can I keep on worshiping you?

GIRL

(happily) Oh I suppose so.

FRED

Thankyou. You see? You just needed to believe in yourself.

(music)

(copyright e.j.ward 2019)

62