When Cards Stop Coming

When my mother passed away, so many cards,

emails and messages came! Often repeating the same phrases: “She will be missed.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” “She’s in a better place.” I know the statements were
well-meaning, but they seemed a little hollow and repetitive. No one could
understand how I felt. After all, she meant the world to me! There were moments
that I even wished people would stop offering their condolences and just let me
grieve in peace.

Until they did stop. Time moved on, but my pain did not. It took a little over a
month, but eventually, the cards with condolences slowed to a trickle . . . and
then they just stopped.

Grief is hard. But when loneliness joined my grief, it got even worse. So how
do you face your sorrow after the funeral is over? After the messages of support
stop coming? Here is a great tip that certainly helped me:
It is ok to grieve, even uncontrollably. But it is not ok to let grief
control you.
Grief has to come out. If you bottle up your grief, one day you may explode. I
remember once at a restaurant I ordered dessert and it brought back a flash of a
wild memory of my Mom accidentally using fish oil in a brownie recipe. What a
surprise that first bite was! This warm memory brought a smile to my face. Followed
immediately with the wrenching reality that my Mom would never make brownies
for me again. I burst into sobs all over my poor server. She didn’t know what to do
with this uncontrollable puddle of a person in front of her.

You see, grief will come out, eventually. I discovered that if I let it out when I can, I am
in better control of it when it’s important to keep my composure. So, may I suggest
to you that you allow yourself to have that “good cry?” Yell at the windshield? Exhibit
emotion? You will be less apt to lose control if you let grief out when you can.
Are you holding your emotions inside and consciously keeping them at bay? Think
about the amount of force and energy this involves. Your emotions may be packed
in so tightly that the pressure could build up to the point of a possible explosion.
You can delay the grieving process by denying it or just not allowing yourself to cry
and face it — as if you’ve put a lid on your life and on your emotions.

I t is ok to grieve, even uncontrollably. But it is

not ok to let grief control you.

But this is an unhealthy form of repression, and whenever you repress your feelings,
you think you may have buried them alive. Unfortunately, someday there will be a
resurrection of these feelings. But when they come, you may not be in charge what
happens. They could resurface through health issues like anxiety or depression. Or
they could come back to the surface through unexpected explosiveness.
I know that grief feels uncontrollable. But you can control grief if you are not weary
from fighting it back all the time. Hold it in when you must. But in the private
moments of your life, let grief do its job to heal your heart. Listen to your heart,
mind and body. They will tell you what you need.

If you get hungry; eat.

Order a pizza. Sit on your couch and eat.

If you get tired; rest.

Intentionally say, “I will take two days and rest.” Lay down on your bed and sleep.

If you get sad; cry.

If you will let yourself cry when you are alone, you will have more control when
sadness overwhelms you in a public place.
If you get overwhelmed; call.
Senior Care Partners P.A.C.E. was
there for you and your loved one.
We helped you then and we can help
you now. Pick up the phone and call
us at (269) 441-9300. We can help
you walk through this grief. Especially
when the cards and messages stop
coming and loneliness settles in.
 Non-Profit
Organization
US Postage
PAID
Kalamazoo, MI
49007

200 West Michigan Ave. Battle Creek, MI 49017

www.SeniorCarePartnersMI.org • 269-441-9300

Mr. John Anybody

1234 Main Street
Battle Creek, MI 49017