The Secret Life of Grief

As the sun splashed across the table in the

breakfast nook, I remembered the way Charlie would make pancakes. It had been
some time since he had died, and the memory caught me a little by surprise. I
hadn’t thought of him at all this week. It used to be I couldn’t breathe a breath
without feeling how much I missed him. Grief was my constant companion. But
recently I have had whole days in a row where he didn’t even enter my mind.
Instead of grief, I now felt guilt.

I know what he would say, “Move on. Stop crying over me.” But I couldn’t believe
that I had not thought of him. I felt as though I had betrayed his spirit somehow.
Like his memory was not as important to me now that I had let him slip my mind.
I felt guilty. Guilty that I was not honoring his life by grieving as hard as I once had.
There seemed to be no middle ground. It hurt so badly – then it didn’t – and now I
felt so guilty.
Could a person remember without sadness or
recuperate without guilt? I remember resolving in my
mind that I wanted to climb off this crazy cycle. I wanted
to move on to healthy and ‘normal’ grief. I would like to
share some things that I’ve felt through my journey.

Guilt has always been there through all of the grief.

Perhaps the cruelest trick your mind plays on you is one
where the past continues to be rewritten. Statements
like ‘if only’ and questions like ‘why didn’t I?’ only
damage the grieving process. Now as you feel strong
enough to make it through most weeks, guilt dances in
your mind to a very different tune. “If you loved them
that much, how can you forget them?”
It’s not as though you are forgetting them. You are growing to a new ‘normal.’ They
are still a part of your life, because they put so much into your life. Your loved one
would want you to love again. They would want you to feel like yourself again. Guilt
is especially noticed when someone loses an irreplaceable person, like a parent,

G uilt is especially noticed when someone

loses an irreplaceable person, like a parent,
a grandparent or a significant other.
a grandparent or a significant other. You said your vows, “Til death do us part.”
Then death stole that partner away. Grief took up residence in your life until there
came a day when someone else made you smile. Is it ok to fall in love again? Is it
permissible to marry again? You feel so guilty. Your mom or dad were everything to
you. Is it ok to move on without them?
Your loved one would want you to live again and be happy. They would want you
to learn to love again, make new memories and enjoy your life. Your loved one
knows you will never forget them and that the place that they hold in your heart will
always be just for them. But, moving forward in life is healthy and ‘normal.’ There is
no need to feel guilt.

B ut moving forward in life is healthy and

‘normal.’ There is no need to feel guilt.
You may notice we put the word ‘normal’ in quotes – because what feels ‘normal’ to
you may be very different to what feels ‘normal’ to others. If it feels ‘normal’ to you,
then it is a positive part of your grieving journey.

You may still have moments of overwhelming sadness. You may have days that you
don’t think of your loved one. You may have pangs of guilt for not thinking of them
for a period of time. Congratulations!
You are human. This is part of the
grieving process. Don’t get swallowed
up by guilt. Keep telling yourself that
it’s OK to move forward. It doesn’t
mean you have stopped missing your
loved one or loving them any less. It
means that your heart is beginning
to beat again. If you need our help,
we are just a phone call away. Call us
anytime at (269) 441-9300.
 Non-Profit
Organization
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Kalamazoo, MI
49007

200 West Michigan Ave. Battle Creek, MI 49017

www.SeniorCarePartnersMI.org • 269-441-9300

Mr. John Anybody

1234 Main Street
Battle Creek, MI 49017