The secret joy of backbiting

Kevin Offner

I 've been wondering lately about why we human beings --yes, even we Christians -- like to
gossip so much. I'm referring here to that whole family of actions that go by such names as
gossip, slander, backbite, whisper, talk behind someone's back, criticize and so on. I realize
each term is slightly different from the other, but I'm concerned here with their over-arching
commonality.

Please try to feel this with me for a moment. You're sitting across the table from one other
person, perhaps a casual friend whom you're hoping will become a close friend. You're both
laughing, actively listening, affirming each other in the dozens of subtle, non- verbal ways
that friends do, consciously or not. In the midst of your enjoyable conversation (you can
almost feel the strengthening bond that's growing between you), Jason Collins's name
comes up. Your friend exclaims, "Oh, Jason Collins! He's kind of odd, isn't he? He's quite a
talker. And you know he struggles a little with needing to be the center of attention. Now, I
think the world of Jason. I really do like him. It's just that he seems so insecure at times. In
fact, did you know . . ."

At that very moment, if you're at all human, a certain warm, delicious rush just shoots
through your body. You lean closer. There's something inexplicably enjoyable about your
new friend's having suddenly taken you into his confidence. You feel special somehow. A
new, more intimate bond is developing between you two. It's not that you hate Jason -- it's
just that you want to keep moving forward with your new friend. "Yeah, I know what you
mean," you reply. "Have you ever noticed the way he feigns attention -- especially if he
wants something from you? I was with him last week, and he said . . ." And away you go.

SO WHY DO WE DO IT?

Why is it that we enjoy (come on, admit it) talking about others behind their backs -- and
why do we enjoy listening to others who do it with us? Have you ever caught yourself
telling Person A something slightly negative about Person B, and then very soon, when
with Person B, found yourself talking ever-so-slightly negatively about Person A? In doing
so, we make our bond with whomever we're with dependent on an absent person's negative
traits.

I think we enjoy backbiting so much because it makes us feel superior. "You and I, friend,
we're doing pretty well," we declare, "but Jason -- now he's got some problems in that
department!" If you and I feel a bit insecure with our friendship to start with, a false
intimacy can quickly arise when we both identify a common inferior. For a brief moment
we feel better about ourselves as you and I look down together on someone else. In a rather
perverse sense, it's one way we go about being affirmed by each other.
I had a friend (Mark) in college who had made a personal vow that he would never, ever
say anything negative about someone else in their absence, unless he had first asked their
permission. Mark and I frequently got together for coffee, and often the opportunity to talk
about someone would arise. More than once, he had to say kindly, "Kevin, if you don't
mind, I think it would be better if we didn't talk about ------ this way,'' and then he would
gently change the subject. When Mark did bring up others in our conversation, he always
mentioned them with respect.ayne

THE TRUST FACTOR

I can't tell you how very, very secure this made me feel around Mark. How much respect I
had for him! Often I'd see him chatting with a friend, huddling close together and laughing.
And I knew, with one hundred percent certainty, that they were not talking negatively about
me. Have you ever wondered to yourself, Gosh, if this person finds it so easy to drop little
negative comments to me about others, I wonder what she's saying to others about me
when I'm not around? I have. It takes a little bit of the zing out of enjoying a session of
backbiting, knowing that this present momentary thrill of intimacy will most likely be
eclipsed by a betrayal in the near future.

I think our great fear about not joining in when gossip starts is that our friend will like us
less, will pull back, and will now refrain from sharing other intimate things with us. Here
we have the opportunity to go deeper -- and in our refusing to join in on the gossip, we
think we'll fail the secret test and our friendship will wane.
But that's wrong thinking. In the very short term, yes, that particular conversation may
indeed not go deeper. But in the long run, if over time we have developed a reputation as
people who keep confidences and never backbite, we will find our friendships increasing
and deepening.

Think of all the friends you have right now. Who are the ones you feel quite certain do not
gossip about you? Who are the ones who wouldn't surprise you if they did talk about you
behind your back? Whom do you respect more?

Wouldn't it be great if Christians had the reputation (at work, at school, with neighbors) of
not speaking negatively behind others' backs? I am renewing my pledge to be more like
Mark. I want to have the courage to pass up going "deeper" with someone if all it really
means is compromising my integrity. Such a pledge may mean gently changing the topic
when I sense backbiting is coming on, or even confronting someone about his or her loose
tongue. But most of all I want to develop the kind of character that takes a secret delight in
saying positive things about another person -- someone who can trust me to guard my
tongue.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Kevin Offner is an InterVarsity® staff member working with graduate students in the Washington, DC, area.
 Watch What you Say
I looked up "backbiting" on the Internet today. I'd been feeling a lot of pricks from
the Holy Spirit about my running mouth, especially when it comes to talking behind
someone's back. The article I found was through Intervarsity Christian Fellowship
and said that we, as humans, even Christians, enjoy talking negatively about other
people because it makes us not only feel better about ourselves, but also more
connected to the person with which we're sharing the negative information.

I felt the exact experience he described. We think it makes us more interesting to

our friends if we're sharing something tantalizing about someone else. We have to
guard our hearts judiciously, and that might mean guarding our lives from
relationships that tempt us to backbite and gossip.

When I'm having lunch with a friend, and I look forward (after looking over both
shoulders) and begin to unload negativity and slanders in whispers, I will think
"What would Jesus do?" I think He would stop, lean back and begin talking about
something that's pure, true and right instead.

Learning this lesson made me somewhat sad. "You mean I can never say one
negative thing again--not even just in venting?" I thought. It made me a little
nauseous until I realized that God was chiseling me into Christ's likeness. It was
going to hurt, and I termed it my "growing pains." Then I thanked Him for molding
me into His image. It's awesome to think He takes the time.

Bio: I'm a professional writer/editor and graphic designer by day, living in

Tennessee with my husband and two daughters, nine and one. I am active in my
church, where I sing, play the piano and organ, and teach Sunday School. I am so
thankful for the blessings God has given me, even when I don't deserve them.
Gossip – fofoca
Slander – calúnia
Backbite – falar mal pelas costas
Whisper – sussurrar, contar em segredo
Criticize – criticar
Subtle – sutil
Midst – meio
Odd – estranho, curioso, esquisito
Rush – agitação, ímpeto
Feign – forjar, inventar, fingir
Trait – feição, traço, peculiaridade
Huddle – aconchegar, empurrar-se
Thrill – emoção, calafrio, excitação, tremor