Medium

By Joseph Arnone

DEREK: “I’m a medium. Why do you keep asking me if I’m a small? Do I look like a
hobbit to you? I have wide shoulders. (standing up from his seat) Look. Look at me.
See how my shoulders are wide and then as you go down it starts to V, that’s
because I have wide shoulders, alright?

(beat)

I know the last shirt you got me was a small and still looked big on me. That’s
because it was made that way. That’s the design of how that company makes that
style shirt. There are other companies I can get in a large, like that coat you made
fun of me in, that was the style, a little baggy…well, actually, yeah, you’re right about
the coat. It was too big. Why did I buy a coat so big??

(beat)

Honey, do I suffer from a slight case of Napoleon disease? Not like a big case but
like a small case…you think? Well, my height is 5’11 so I’m no Napoleon. What? I
am 5’11! I’m not 5’9. Listen, when we measured last time it was in an old house with
crooked flooring, alright? Your mother’s floor is still the original from 1910. It’s all
lopsided. Everyone’s height fluctuates in that house depending on where they’re
standing. Your Uncle Tobey, who’s 2’2 was staring down at me in the kitchen and
then in the living room he was at my knees. Come on, that’s not fair. I’m no smaller
than 5’10, that I’m one hundred percent sure about. On my life, I swear on my life
about that and that’s still a good height for a guy so I’m not complaining. I’ll give you
the inch.

But please, most shirts fit me as a medium, so order me a medium.”