Established in 2009, conceived in 2008, destined for greatness in 2007...BC.

November

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 10 2010
5
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Letter from the Keep 49th Issue celebrations under control
Editor By: Kelsey Henke
Staff Writer
News to paper-mache, write
their to-do lists on or shelter
or setting fire to a few dozen
copies of the Pitt News.
In the fall of 2008, a small An anniversary is often one themselves from rain. With any luck this anniver-
group of Pitt students sat in of the most special and await- If you will be celebrating sary will be as good as that
their living room, talking about ed times of the year. This Fri- the Pittiful’s 49th this week- year you got a Furby for your
the lack of interesting extracur- day marks the Pittiful News’s end, we encourage you to act 5th birthday or that time you
riculars. 49th issue. Some early celebra- responsibly. Try to remain and your high school girl-
“It totally sucks, because if I tions can already been seen calm and keep the holiday in friend celebrated your 3
don’t graduate with OCC, my around campus. perspective. Some safe activi- month at Applebee’s.
parents will totally kill me. But As of yesterday evening, the ties we would recommend are
there’s nothing to do,” said one line at Towers lobby of those lighting off your homemade
of the kids. waiting for the latest issue was fireworks, drinking to excess,
“Dude, I’ve got it,” said his almost3 persons long. dressing up in a Pittiful News
roommate. “We should totally Excited students have been appropriate costume such as a
start a newspaper! Not a real seen around campus doing all 5’4” female satire writer who
one, but like a fake and funny kinds of preemptive celebra- hoards plastic cutlery and
one, like the Onion!” tions from looking less con- plays bocce ball at an above
Everyone in the room stared fused when someone tells average skill level or a Portu-
at him for a moment. Then they them Pitt has a satirical news- guese Man of War, publicly
laughed at him. Then they did a paper to using the Pittiful denouncing yourself as a witch
collective “hmm”. And then
they nodded at each other. A
satirical newspaper was exactly
what Pitt needed, and they
would be the ones to start it.
Or at least they would have
been if myself and a bunch of
other kids wouldn’t have invad-
ed their dorm that night, gone
into their dreams, and stolen
their ideas.
Before you get angry at us for
this despicable act, understand
that karma bit us in the ass lat-
er. Some Chris Nolan douche-
bag used our own technology to
steal our dream-invasion con-
cepts and make loads of money
off of it. I guess we weren’t ex-
actly using it for such bold en-
deavors ourselves, so that’s our
fault.
That was quite a tangent,
though, and now back to the
point: the Pittiful News, Pitt’s
official satirical newspaper has
been around for 49 issues. That Eileen Tong/Staff Photographer
kicks balls. In a good way.
In celebration of our 49th issue, we got much of the Land of Make-Believe. By which I mean our photogra-
pher got close enough to get a nice shot of it. That’s still something.

Editor, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com
Horoscopes: What’s your sign, baby?
By: Rachel Harris
Staff Writer
Aries: While normally your
personal philosophy is to do
good by standing up for oth-
ers, the fates suggest that
more good could be achieved
by sitting down so we can see
past you.
Taurus: Your slight obsession
with hip-hop music will be-
come a full-blown, crazed
addiction after you wind up
listening to KISS FM for six
hours straight. The stars are
sorry your 16-year-old sister
insisted on driving.
Gemini : Many things in life
are fleeting: first love, warm
autumn days, and the
amount of time it takes you
to inhale a cupcake are a few
examples. However, the zit
forming on your chin looks
like it might be there for
awhile.
Editor’s babbling ends
Editor, Page 2
whenever people already read us
anyway.
I guess that what I’m trying
to say is that, if you are reading
this paper right now, please keep
doing so. And then pass your
copy off to a friend. And then
they can tell a friend. And may-
be that friend will want to write
something for us. And then we
will get bigger. And that will
attract the attention of your
girlfriend. Who will read us. And
along the way, inevitably, there
will be someone who takes a
copy from us in Towers and
throws it away without even
looking at it, bearing the ques-
tion of “why did you take it in
the first place?” But we don’t
care about those people, if they
can even be called that.
Cancer: You’ve been working
very hard in your endless
quests for self-improvement.
The stars congratulate you
on the progress you’ve made,
and encourage you to just
give up from here on out.
Leo: Your courage and gener-
osity will cause you to end
up in unlikely places this
week, such as a pit of hungry
Venus fly traps and debtor’s
prison, respectively.
Virgo: Remarkably, the stars
find that you don’t actually
exist. Sorry.
Libra: Knowledge and reason
are powerful tools to have,
but so are chainsaws and
jackhammers. Keep this in
mind in the coming months
as you continue your crusade
against invading zombies.
Scorpio: Henry David Thoreau
once said, “Aim above mo-
rality. Be not simply good,
be good for something.” The
We care about you. Keep
reading, send us stuff if you feel
like it, and in the end, stay in-
formed and laugh. Those are our
club’s goals. Live by them.
Or die by them, if that is your
choice.
--Jake Swanson, Editor-in-
Chief
stars agree. So go be good for
something, you good-for-
nothing piece of scum.
Sagittarius: Avoid haikus, son-
nets, and limericks of all
kinds today; poetry should
be inherently distrusted.
This is due mainly to the fact
that nothing rhymes with
“Sagittarius.”
Capricorn: A mysterious
stranger will soon ask you a
difficult question, namely,
“Where my money at?!?!”
Aquarius: Maybe you need
some rehab. Or maybe just
some sleep. Either way, your
sick obsession with Ke$ha
lyrics may cause you to be-
come a lovesick crackhead.
Don’t say we didn’t warn
your love is my drug.
Pisces: Trust your senses in the
coming weeks. That bizarre,
fishy smell isn’t your imagi-
nation; it’s really just you.
Supoku: So hard, you’ll want to kill yourself
The hardest part is finding where to start.
Editor’s babbling
continues
Editor, Page 1
49 issues is a pretty awesome
amount. Better than 50, it
could be said. After all, 49 is a
perfect square. That’s always
something. 49 was also the year
in which Melankomas became
boxing champion at the Olym-
pics. How about that.
49 issues aside, we can go on
for more. The Pitt News has
been around for 100 years, af-
ter all. We can do double that,
in the half the time.
One key part of getting
there, though, will be expand-
ing. The more, the merrier in
our ranks. More people on staff
means more ideas, more jokes,
more wit. It can take us from
an organization that has to
struggle (and fail) to get our
budget changed a little bit just
to advertise for an event to one
that can host a magic show
complete with Harry Houdini
himself brought back from the
grave (roughly $1,[…]00)
Editor, Page 2
Created by Emma Weimer
3 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

Pittiful police blotter

Compiled by: Quinn Hetrick
Staff Writer

September 19, 1980

Some time: An individual reported being harassed by a known indi-
vidual. When investigated, the latter known individual said that he
heard it from another known individual who heard it from another
known individual who heard it from another that the former known
individual had been messin’ around. An investigation is still pend-
ing.

Wednesday, Oct. 20
10:69 am: Police recovered a banana and a tube of toothpaste from
the Cathedral of Learning and placed the items in the evidence
locker. The incident was cleared.
10:24 pm: Someone dug keys into the side of a up 4-Wheel drive
pickup parked outside Logan’s Pub. All four tires were slashed and
the headlights appeared to have been smashed with a baseball bat.
Police say they have a suspect wanted for questioning since a name
was carved into the leather seat of the truck. An investigation is
pending.
11:53 pm: An unknown actor wrecked a bicycle into a pole, fell
into oncoming traffic, was hit by a bus then was assaulted by an-
other unknown actor dressed as either a mime or a clown. Police
responded but the victim refused medical treatment. The incident
was cleared.

Thursday, Oct. 21
2:34 pm: An individual backed their car into a cop car the other
day. The officer just drove off, sometimes life’s okay. The incident
was cleared.
10: 32 pm: Police responded to a report of loud music on the 300
block of Oakland Avenue. They confirmed that yes, there was loud
music playing. It was a clear incident.
11:59 pm: Pitt Police won a drag race on Fifth Avenue against
CMU Campus Police. Posers. The incident was cleared.

Friday, Oct. 22
2:02 am: Someone fought the Pitt Police. The Pitt Police won. The
incident was cleared.
8:34 am: Police arrested non-affiliate Shawn Carter on 99 separate
charges, including going fifty-five in a fifty-fo. Not one of the
charges involved a woman. The incident was cleared.
6:45 pm: Police arrested non-affiliate Rick Astley for violation of a
restraining order.

If you or a friend have been caught by the police, don’t hesitate to

tell us. We’ll print your embarrassing story so that everyone can
enjoy it.

Art by: Brigid Mulholland

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Jess Edelstein Kelsey Henke Brigid Mulholland David Smeresky
Dorothy Ellis Quinn Hetrick Benjy Narotsky Eileen Tong
Rachel Harris Caitlin Kempf Diana Ren Emma Weimer
4 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

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The Pittiful News

Meetings: Wed., 8:30 PM, 237 Cathedral.
Distributing: Fridays, 2-3 Towers Lobby
Online: www.pittifulnews.com
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