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CDPXXX10.1177/0963721417754198Arriaga et al.Downplaying Partner Aggression

ASSOCIATION FOR
PSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE
Current Directions in Psychological

The Invisible Harm of Downplaying a Science


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© The Author(s) 2018
Romantic Partner’s Aggression Article reuse guidelines:
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DOI: 10.1177/0963721417754198
https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721417754198
www.psychologicalscience.org/CDPS

Ximena B. Arriaga1, Nicole M. Capezza2, Wind Goodfriend3,


and Katherine E. Allsop4
1
Department of Psychological Sciences, Purdue University; 2Psychology Department, Stonehill College;
3
Psychology Department, Buena Vista University; and 4Department of Counseling Psychology, Social Psychology,
and Counseling, Ball State University

Abstract
Nonphysical forms of partner aggression are common and more harmful than is widely recognized. Such aggression
does not leave physical marks but nonetheless predicts invisible harm, including unhappiness and psychological
distress. Most individuals do not end their relationship the moment a partner becomes aggressive. Instead they
may deny, minimize, or justify the aggression, particularly when they are strongly committed to their relationship.
Perceptions that downplay a partner’s aggression may protect and prolong a relationship, putting individuals at risk
for greater harm. This article presents a model of the causes and consequences of downplaying partner aggression and
describes the relevance of commitment for understanding aggression-related perceptions and interventions.

Keywords
partner aggression, relationship commitment, downplaying aggressive behavior, invisible harm, psychological aggression

Being belittled, insulted, bullied, or on the receiving continue their relationship; and (c) perceptions that
end of other acts that are intended to inflict harm is downplay a partner’s aggression are likely to prolong
particularly hurtful when it comes from a romantic part- the distress caused by such aggression.
ner. Experiencing partner aggression typically does not
result in immediately ending a relationship. These pain-
Why Examine Common Forms of
ful experiences pose a paradox: The person who is
expected to provide intimacy, security, and support Partner Aggression?
instead is being hurtful (Arriaga & Capezza, 2011). Partner aggression is distinct from other destructive
Existing theoretical models account for causes of part- relational behavior. Couples may feel angry during con-
ner aggression. It is equally important, however, to flicts or engage in norm violations (betrayal, infidelity,
understand how individuals on the receiving end man- being neglectful), which may hurt but are not intended
age aggression once it occurs. to cause harm. Partner aggression, in contrast, involves
This article draws attention to specific beliefs that direct efforts aimed at harming or diminishing a partner
individuals adopt when they are motivated to continue (Lawrence, Yoon, Langer, & Ro, 2009; Richardson,
a relationship despite their partner’s aggression. 2014). Table 1 lists various forms of partner aggression.
Commitment-driven beliefs downplay the occurrence For example, being ignored by someone watching tele-
and effects of partner aggression. Committed individu- vision would not reflect aggression, whereas being
als often do not recognize how they are being harmed, punished by getting the silent treatment reveals hurtful
making such harm invisible. Recent research suggests intentions and thus reflects aggression (hostile with-
that (a) experiencing partner aggression predicts dis- drawal; Zadro, Arriaga, & Williams, 2008). Excessive
tress (e.g., unhappiness, anxiety, depression), even
among individuals who do not necessarily perceive
Corresponding Author:
their relationship as distressing; (b) people downplay Ximena B. Arriaga, Purdue University, 703 Third St., West Lafayette,
a partner’s aggression—reinterpreting, minimizing, or IN 47907-2081
justifying partner acts—when they are motivated to E-mail: arriaga@purdue.edu
2 Arriaga et al.

Table 1.  Forms of Partner Aggression That Are Frequently Studied

Form of partner aggression Examples


1. Verbal abuse to diminish a partner Belittling, insulting, denigrating the partner in front of other people
2. Intimidation Breaking things, tantrums, threats to cause fear
3. Hostile withdrawal Stomping out of a room, using the silent treatment as punishment, other ways of severing
a connection
4. Being overly controlling or restrictive Undermining contact with other people, monitoring whereabouts, controlling
behavior that threatens the other’s autonomy
5. Physical abuse Slapping, pushing, hitting with something that could hurt

Note: The forms of aggression listed in the table have been assessed using several established scales. For example, Forms 1 through 4 have been
assessed using the Multidimensional Measure of Emotional Abuse (Murphy & Hoover, 1999), the Follingstad Psychological Aggression Scale
(Follingstad, Coyne, & Gambone, 2005), and the Measure of Psychologically Abusive Behaviors (Follingstad & Rogers, 2014). Forms 1, 2, 3, and
5 have been assessed using the Conflict Tactics Scale 2 (Straus, Hamby, Boney-McCoy, & Sugarman, 1996).

partner control may not cause immediate harm but Even common forms of aggression predict increased
eventually leads to losing one’s sense of self and unhappiness and personal distress (Fig. 1, Path A;
auto­nomy. Arriaga, Capezza, Goodfriend, Rayl, & Sands, 2013;
Not all forms of partner aggression are equally com- Arriaga & Schkeryantz, 2015).
mon. Acts of verbal abuse, hostile withdrawal, and con- The common forms of aggression observed in col-
trolling behavior are particularly prevalent. Most lege and community samples often involve mutual
individuals (80%–90%) report experiencing one or more aggression between partners, blurring distinctions
forms of the psychological aggression indicated in between the perpetrator and the target or victim
Table 1, as assessed with established scales (e.g., Hines (Lawrence et al., 2009). The occurrence of aggression
& Saudino, 2003; Taft et al., 2006). may not affect each partner equally. Recent research
Are such common acts consequential? Perhaps sur- with romantically involved college students isolated the
prisingly, being belittled or humiliated by a partner can unique effects associated with perpetrating versus
be more difficult to overcome than being physically receiving psychological aggression (Arriaga &
abused (Estefan, Coulter, & VandeWeerd, 2016; Schkeryantz, 2015). Participants were assessed multiple
Follingstad, Rutledge, Berg, Hause, & Polek, 1990). times to measure new instances of aggression across 3

Relationship Commitment
• Having or Recalling Satisfying Moments
• Daily Relational Routines or Habits
• Extended History Together
• Joint Friends, Memories, Plans That Downplaying Aggression by a Partner
Would Be Lost if a Relationship Ends
For Example:
• Reinterpreting Aggressive Behavior as
C Joking Around
• Justifying a Partner’s Aggressive Behavior
B • Shifting Standards for What Is Acceptable
Partner Aggression D
(See Table 1)
A Negative Personal Outcomes
For Example:
• Unhappiness
• Anxiety and Depression
• Lowered Self-Esteem

Fig. 1.  Causes and consequences of downplaying partner aggression. Common forms of partner aggression predict increased nega-
tive personal outcomes (Path A). Being in an aggressive relationship is stigmatizing, which encourages downplaying the meaning and
impact of aggression (Path B). Strong commitment and dependence are unrelated to aggression but enable these perceptions (Path C)
and sustain the risks associated with aggressive relationships (Path D).
Downplaying Partner Aggression 3

months; most reports concerned nonphysical aggres- drawing attention to logical reasons for persistence,
sion. Prospectively experiencing new instances of psy- such as being married or financially dependent, which
chological aggression uniquely predicted a subsequent predict shelter victims’ return to an abusive partner.
increase in distress, whereas enacting new aggression However, many people remain puzzled that dating rela-
did not. Moreover, these effects held when accounting tionships persist despite aggression.
for scores on the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (e.g., quar- Individuals who experience common forms of
reling, regretting being together), which did not predict aggression are no different from those who do not in
psychological distress beyond victimization. Aggression terms of sustaining their commitment. People feel com-
from a partner is uniquely distressing, beyond nonag- mitted because they have had gratifying moments with
gressive forms of couple dysfunction and beyond their partner and anticipate more in the future, their
effects of physical aggression (Arriaga & Schkeryantz, habits and routines become intertwined, they share an
2015; Lawrence et al., 2009). extended history together, or they hope to sustain ties
Although partner aggression and distress are con- with friends or family, memories, and future plans that
nected, targets do not necessarily make that connection, would be lost if their relationship ends (Goodfriend &
especially when motivated to continue their relationship. Agnew, 2008; Tan, Arriaga, & Agnew, 2018). These con-
In the research just described (Arriaga & Schkeryantz, ditions create the dependence that fuels subjective feel-
2015), committed individuals who experienced partner ings of commitment. Although the term dependence can
aggression were no more likely than other individuals trigger ideas of weakness or lack of autonomy, the
to perceive their relationship as a source of stress. reality is that relationship partners regularly rely on
Common forms of aggression often remain under the each other for various needs and desires. Not only is
radar. By not resulting in physical bruises or marks, dependence typical and normative, it is logical in that
common aggression is not perceived to be as serious without it, most relationships would be fleeting (Rusbult
as physical aggression despite its negative conse- et al., 1998). This extends to people in aggressive rela-
quences (Capezza & Arriaga, 2008). tionships (Tan et al., 2018).
Once people are dependent and feel committed,
they withstand negative relationship behavior (Rusbult
Downplaying Partner Aggression
et al., 1998), including aggression. This means that com-
How do people make sense of their partner’s aggressive mitment may precede but not predict aggression. Nor
behavior? Individuals in aggressive relationships often does the onset of aggression necessarily cause people
attribute the causes of aggression to substance problems, to become less or more committed. Indeed, the amount
stress, or dysfunctional communication (Flynn & Graham, of aggression experienced and self-reported commit-
2010). But they enact other perceptions to manage ment do not exhibit a consistent association (see Arriaga
aggression. Individuals often deny aggressive partner et al., 2016, Note 4). However, partner aggression does
behavior, as when a person hides it from others (Dunham make people less likely to base their commitment on
& Senn, 2000). Individuals also justify a partner’s aggres- current feelings of satisfaction (Rusbult & Martz, 1995;
sive acts, for example by taking personal responsibility Tan et al., 2018).
for the partner’s behavior. Being in an aggressive rela-
tionship is stigmatizing, which encourages downplaying
Regulating relationship persistence
the meaning and impact of aggression (Fig. 1, Path B;
Arriaga, Capezza, & Daly, 2016, Study 1). As discussed Individuals endure partner aggression because they
next, the relational context moderates these perceptions perceive that being in their relationship is better than
(Fig. 1, Path C). being out of their relationship despite current aggres-
sion. When aggression occurs, people experience
unhappiness but also anticipate experiencing even
The relational context matters greater unhappiness without their partner. In a 3-month
Why do individuals who endure partner aggression study with multiple assessments, individuals started the
continue their relationship? Commitment powerfully study by predicting how they would feel if their rela-
predicts these dynamics. Relationship commitment typi- tionship were to end (Arriaga et  al., 2013). Although
cally is assessed by self-report items tapping the inten- everyone anticipated greater unhappiness than they
tion to continue a relationship into the long-term future experienced later when their relationship ended, highly
and feeling connected to a partner (Rusbult, Martz, & committed individuals were particularly susceptible to
Agnew, 1998). this error: In their early predictions, they greatly over-
Decades ago, abuse victims were perceived as irra- estimated how unhappy they would feel from breaking
tional. Rusbult and Martz (1995) challenged this belief, up. The prediction–reality gap also was magnified for
4 Arriaga et al.

individuals who reported relatively higher levels of would be grounds for ending a relationship (e.g., insults
partner aggression: They became much happier after and swearing, threats, physical force; Arriaga et  al.,
their relationship ended than they had been previously. 2016, Study 2). Thereafter, they were tracked prospec-
But everyone anticipated unhappiness, preferring a tively; 38% experienced partner aggression for the first
known and imperfect path over an unknown path. time during the study (mostly nonphysical aggression).
Such forecasting errors have been studied exten- Among them, only highly committed participants
sively. Individuals incorrectly forecast how they will revised their judgments of the same aggressive acts to
feel after negative events because they focus only on be more tolerant. The onset of aggression predicted
the impact of events (e.g., breakups) and underestimate increased tolerance, whereas the reverse was not sup-
their coping skills (Wilson & Gilbert, 2005). Our ported (initially lenient standards did not cause the
research suggests an additional explanation: Individuals onset of aggression). In an experiment, even when
in aggressive relationships make errors in judging their judging the exact same aggressive behavior, individuals
current circumstances, overestimating both how happy were more lenient if the behavior was enacted by their
they currently feel (given how much happier they even- partner than by someone else, and this was especially
tually felt) and how much they need their partner. true of highly committed individuals (Arriaga et  al.,
The relational context, as captured by subjective feel- 2016, Study 3).
ings of commitment, matters in how people manage Although committed individuals become increasingly
their persistence. Rusbult and Martz’s (1995) classic tolerant of their partner’s aggression, there are limits to
work on shelter victims elevated the importance of what people will tolerate. Most individuals judge severe
commitment bases (alternatives, investments) in pre- acts (e.g., beating) to be unacceptable regardless of their
dicting returning to an abusive partner. But more com- level of commitment or first-time experiences (Arriaga
mon forms of aggression may not even lead to et al., 2016). However, those in the minority who already
temporarily leaving a partner; financially independent have experienced severe aggression judge such aggres-
and unmarried partners remain together. sion to be tolerable (Arriaga et al., 2016, Study 1). This
A new generation of research increasingly examines suggests that with time and experience, even severely
how people interpret aggression that is common and aggressive behavior can become the new normal.
pervasive but nonetheless predicts distress, as reviewed
above. Thought patterns that downplay aggression are Consequences of downplaying
important because they may blind people to increas-
ingly negative outcomes.
aggression
Committed individuals reinterpret behavior commonly
judged to be violent as merely joking around, and they
Regulating perceptions of aggression change how they judge specific and objective acts. Less
Committed individuals are more likely than noncom- committed individuals do not exhibit these downplay-
mitted individuals to deny aggression or justify it. When ing patterns. These examples suggest that relationship
they do this, the harmful effects of aggression become outsiders may perceive certain acts to be aggressive or
invisible. One established thought pattern is to reinter- even violent, but their perceptions shift once they
pret objectively aggressive acts as “joking around.” For become insiders of a committed relationship.
example, community participants in a study reported Is downplaying aggression consequential (Fig. 1,
specific partner acts of physical aggression during con- Path D)? A few existing studies lead us to speculate that
flicts (Arriaga, 2002). Then they considered joking con- the answer is yes: Downplaying aggression sustains
texts and were asked about the same partner acts. aggressive relationships. In one of the previously
Violent acts in conflict and joking contexts were cor- reviewed longitudinal studies (Arriaga et  al., 2016,
related (e.g., being “jokingly” kicked or beaten up), but Study 2), the only variable that predicted relationship
only among highly committed participants. This sug- persistence was commitment. In contrast, persistence
gests that committed individuals deny their partner’s was not predicted from initial standards regarding
violent behavior by reinterpreting it as merely joking, aggressive behavior, perceptions of aggression as nor-
which diminishes reasons one might have to change mative, or, importantly, experiencing partner aggression
the status quo in a relationship. for the first time.
Another thought pattern that sustains aggressive rela- If an aggressive relationship causes unhappiness and
tionships is to adopt increasingly lenient standards of personal distress, commitment prolongs these condi-
what is considered acceptable. In a recent study, indi- tions. When people experience common forms of
viduals who had never experienced partner aggression aggression, the amount they experience does not predict
were asked to judge whether specific partner acts whether their relationship will persist over the short
Downplaying Partner Aggression 5

term (see Arriaga et  al., 2013). Rather, commitment- becomes too harmful. Strong commitment keeps rela-
relevant factors predict whether relationships persist, tionships intact through thick and thin; therefore, it may
even when there are costs of experiencing aggression. mask aggression-related harm. However, eventually
individuals realign their personal and relational needs
and harmonize their goals.
Conclusions and Implications
Most individuals will eventually experience partner Recommended Reading
aggression, which makes them susceptible to negative Arriaga, X. B., Capezza, N. M., & Daly, C. A. (2016). (See
outcomes. Strong commitment prolongs aggressive rela- References). A series of empirical studies examining how
tionships through perceptions that downplay aggres- standards toward specific and objective aggressive acts
sion and underestimate its effects. become more lenient after a relationship becomes aggres-
On a practical level, interventions may be more sive.
effective when they account for each partner’s level of Arriaga, X. B., Cobb, R. J., & Daly, C. A. (2018). Aggression
commitment. Reinterpreting aggressive partner behav- and violence in romantic relationships. In A. L. Vangelisti
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than victim irrationality.
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terns that may create a “couple culture” in which mutual
Action Editor
aggression becomes common.
Eventually, distressed individuals seek to change the Randall W. Engle served as action editor for this article.
status quo ( Johnson, 2006), which could entail couples
or individual therapy. Not all aggressive partners, how- Acknowledgments
ever, are willing or able to change their aggressive We thank Lucy Hunt for her insights and helpful suggestions
behavior. This raises several unresolved issues of how on an earlier draft of this article. Eduardo and Regina Arriaga
people might address partner aggression. Less committed also provided useful comments and support.
individuals may simply end their relationship. More com-
mitted individuals, however, may not perceive the effects Declaration of Conflicting Interests
of infrequent aggression that nonetheless causes momen- The author(s) declared that there were no conflicts of interest
tary pain or distress. When frequent aggression causes with respect to the authorship or the publication of this
significant distress, most individuals eventually prioritize article.
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