Senate Halloween Hearings

LAURIE
CHAIRMAN; male
SENATOR G; male
SENATOR F; female
SENATOR J; male
MICHAEL MEYERS (lying concealed behind the witness table)
JASON

SENATORS are seated before another chair, where LAURIE sits,

waiting.

CHAIRMAN
Look, the president nominated a fine
man to head the Department of Education
and this committee, after interviewing
him, was prepared to release his name
from committee and send it to the full
Senate for a vote. But now, the fake
news media has decided that the
nominee’s past has not been fully
vetted.

SENATOR G
My God, how could they claim that!
He’s been the mostly fully vetted
nominee ever since his name was
announced this morning! This is a
witch hunt!

CHAIRMAN
(gavels)
Order, please.

SENATOR F
If it pleases the chair, the committee
has only just learned of this situation
with a woman coming forward with
serious allegations against the
nominee.

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 CHAIRMAN
It behooves us to give her a platform.
It’s simply a matter of fairness, or
the illusion thereof. After much
deliberation, compromise and threats,
we’ve agreed to let the woman come
forward and speak before this committee
for, like, five minutes. So, you are
Laurie Strode?

LAURIE
I am, Senator.

SENATOR G
And you have some charges to make
against the nominee, Mr. Myers?

LAURIE
I do. I think it’s a major mistake to
allow Michael Myers to head up any
government agency. Or to be outside
the asylum for any reason whatsoever.

SENATOR F
And why is that?

LAURIE
He’s the boogie man. He’s a demon of
some sort who kills nonstop, every
Halloween.

SENATOR J
And by Boogie Man you mean--?

LAURIE
An unholy fiend bent on my death and
destruction.

SENATOR G
And what makes you think that?

LAURIE
He’s been trying to kill me for forty
years.

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 SENATOR G
And yet, here you are alive. I guess
Mr. Meyers isn’t has as lethal as you
would lead us to believe.

LAURIE
Well, he has killed seven dozen people.
Many law enforcement officers among
them. But mostly horny teens.

CHAIRMAN
Horny teens? So, one could say he was
providing a public service.

LAURIE
No one would say that, sir.

SENATOR F
I would note, we have a petition signed
by many first responders who do not
want Michael Meyers approved for this
job.

SENATOR G
Fake Blues! Fake Blues!

SENATOR F
Now, Miss Strode, I have to ask, why do
you come before us now?

SENATOR G
It’s for some of that sweet, sweet Go
Fund Me.com money, isn’t it?

SENATOR F
Will you please shut up?

LAURIE
As I mentioned, I’ve been in hiding for
many, many years. But when I saw the
news that he had been nominated to run
the Department of Education, I felt I
had to speak out.

CHAIRMAN
Do you have any proof of this?

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 LAURIE
Well, there are the records of Dr.
Loomis, who oversaw Michael’s case for
many years and for quite a number of
sequels. Long after I went into
hiding.

SENATOR G
And where is this Dr. Loomis?

LAURIE
Dead, sir.

CHAIRMAN
How convenient.

LAURIE
He was hacked to death by Michael
Meyers with a cheese grater. It was
gruesome.

CHAIRMAN
And you witnessed this?

LAURIE
I did not. I read about it in the
paper.

SENATOR G
Fake News!

SENATOR F
I would request the honorable senator
from North Carolina to stick a sock in
it.

SENATOR J
So, Dr. Loomis was one of the 7 dozen
people killed?

LAURIE
No, no. That was in addition to the
seven dozen.

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 SENATOR G
My dear woman, were there 7 dozen
people killed or not? I mean, if you
can’t keep your story straight, how are
we to believe you?

LAURA
I stand corrected, sir. Michael Meyers
killed 85 people.

SENATOR G
And just where did you come up with
that number?

LAURA
That would be 7 times 12 plus 1,
Senator.

SENATOR J
Wow. This sounds bad. But I like the
guy.

LAURIE
I can’t help but feel that you would
like him less had he decimated your
family, leaving you an orphan,
whereupon you are put up for adoption
and years later hunted down by him only
to have him kill your first boyfriend.

SENATOR J
Sure, if that were true.

CHAIRMAN
So, why would you just decide to come
after this random person?

LAURIE
Not so random. He is my brother, and,
as I’ve stated earlier, has been trying
to kill me for 40 years.

SENATOR G
So, these other deaths, you were
witness to those?

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 LAURIE
I was not. I was in hiding for 20
years. But apparently he killed a lot
of people in that time, thinking he was
chasing a daughter I never had.

SENATOR G
So, I’m supposed to believe that Mr.
Meyers chased around a child thinking
it was YOUR daughter when you had none?

LAURIE
I said he was a crazed killing machine.
I didn’t say he was bright. As for me,
I don’t even acknowledge those events.

SENATOR J
So, he didn’t kill those people or the
alleged daughter?

LAURIE
Oh, no, he killed them. Except the
alleged daughter. No one knows what
happened to her.

CHAIRMAN
So this alleged daughter doesn’t even
exist? As if it never happened?

LAURIE
That’s one take, Senator. It’s a whole
reboot thing.

SENATOR G
This nomination has been in the news
all day, yet you just came out an hour
ago with this story. Why did you not
come forth sooner?

LAURIE
As I said earlier, he’s been trying to
kill me for 40 years, so I wasn’t
really keen on the idea of going public
and facing off against him.

SENATOR J
And now you’re keen on it. Why?

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 LAURIE
Civic duty. I don’t think Michael
Meyers should be in charge of anything,
like education, that involves a lot of
kids. And horny teens.

CHAIRMAN
Any other questions?

SENATOR F
Oh, tons.

CHAIRMAN
Then we’re really to vote on the issue!

SENATOR F
Not at all.

CHAIRMAN
All those in favor of Michael Meyers’
appointment as Secretary of Education,
raise your hand.

Chairman raises his hand while Senator G raises his like he has
to go to the bathroom. Senator F doesn’t. Senator J looks
around and puts his hand up, meekly.

SENATOR F
Are you kidding me?

SENATOR J
I just think Meyers would have said
something if this were true.

LAURIE
Yeah, Meyers doesn’t talk a lot. He
just kinda murders everyone.

CHAIRMAN
The appointment is so passed.

SENATOR G
So passed!
(looking to camera)
Did you see that Mr. President?

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 CHAIRMAN
Thank you for your time, Miss Strode.
You may go away now.

Laurie shrugs and exits.

SENATOR G
Whore!

Senator F slugs Senator G.

CHAIRMAN
Well done. Mr. Meyers, for a minute we
thought your nomination was dead, but,
as always, you managed to come back
from the dead! Congratulations!

MICHAEL MEYERS sits up from behind the chair, stands and gives a
thumbs-up.

CHAIRMAN
Now then, up next is the nominee for
the Department of Summer Camps, Mr.
Jason Voorhees.

Hockey mask wearing JASON enters. MEYERS exits, high fiving

Jason as he leaves.

Black out. Scream.

The end