Professional Documents
Culture Documents
No.13
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN
Dinner Table ™
*Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast. Use of this
trademark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the
Sovereign Lands, HackMaster and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.
Knights of the
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #13
“Men That Hack!”
November, 1997
_______________
Dinner Table TM
O Tales from the Vault compilation (See the ad on girl friend etc. (In short he ‘finds a life’ outside the
page 4) was a list of frequently-asked-questions game). B.A.’s solution is to lure him back to the table
with answers. It seems every email and letter we receive where Dave’s character stumbles across a HackMaster
has one or more questions tagged on, almost as an +13.
afterthought. In the KODT strip that ran in Shadis #21 as the
Well, one man’s oversight is another man’s filler group is reminicsing about past games, there seems to
material. So I thought I would devote some space to be a hint that Brian was the original GM for the
answer some of those questions. Now you can annoy group and that he may have even been B.A.’s
your friends at the gaming table with a little KODT mentor?? What’s up with that? How come Brian
trivia. doesn’t GM anymore?
What do the letters B.A. stand for in B.A. Felton’s Yes, Brian introduced B.A. to role-playing (and
name? HackMaster). That’s why he seems to know the rules
B.A.’s full name is Boris Alphonzo Felton. It’s not frontwards and back. Many readers have commented
hard to understand why he prefer’s to be called B.A. In that Brian often seems like a back-seat driver, constantly
grade school, his classmates contracted his first and giving B.A. advice on how to run a game and questioning
his calls.
middle name and simply called him, Bozo.
Why doesn’t Brian ever GM?? He had a bad
Apparently a rumor is running around that the letters
experience at GaryCon 89 running a sanctioned
stand for “Bad Attitude”. I’m not sure how that one got
HackMaster tournament. There scars were deep enough
started.
Brian quit role-playing for nearly a year. (Which is why
Why does Dave always have a HackMaster +12 (a
Brian does not appear in the first KODT strip). He
rare relic) even when he is playing a new character? finally came back to the table as a player but to this day
How come he doesn’t loose his sword when the has refused to sit behind the GM screen. (An upcoming
owning character dies? issue of KODT will, however, feature Brian’s come-back
Good question! If you read the expanded bios in the as a GM).
Tales from the Vault there’s a clue. It comments how If you have other questions you’d like to see answers
Dave used to “miss two gaming sessions for every for send them end. Hopefully, in the near future, we will
session he attended”. post a complete FAQ on our website.
That all changed when his character (El Ravager)
found a HackMaster +12 sword (May 5, 1987 7:45 Good Reading,
EST). From that point on Dave has rarely missed a
game. The truth is, B.A. uses the HackMaster+12 as a
carrot to keep Dave interested in the game. Jolly R. Blackburn
In an unpublished strip I did a few years ago, Dave October 15, 1997
does indeed loose his HackMaster. In the following
ROLE-PLAYING GAMES THAT SHOULD NEVER BE: PART ONE “DAS BOOT: THE RPG”
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GAMES PIT, SORRY WE’RE CLOSED!! IT’S HERE?? IT’S REALLY HERE??? OH THANK GAWD, PETE!!! WE WERE WORRIED. BRIAN
HUH? WHAT’S THAT?? OH HELLO, B.A. READ ON THE HACKMASTER NEWSGROUP THAT THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT
YEAH...YEAH, YOUR ORDER ARRIVED LATE THIS AT HARD EIGHT ENTERPRISES WENT ON STRIKE. I WAS AFRAID MY ORDER
AFTERNOON. I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF BREAKING THE WOULD BE IN LIMBO!!! YEAH...YEAH...THANKS. I’LL BE OVER FIRST THING IN THE MORNING!!
SHRINK-WRAP TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS THERE.
YOU CAN PICK IT UP IN THE MORNING.
HACKNOIA’S IN??? WHAT A RELIEF!!
I CAN’T WAIT TO GET MY HANDS ON A CHARACTER DOSSIER HMMMM, MY
AND START WORKIN’ ON MY CHARACTER!!! SOURCES HAVE NEVER
BEEN WRONG BEFORE!!
THEY MUST HAVE
AWESOME!!! I ALREADY SETTLED THE STRIKE!!
HAVE A NAME FOR MY CAN’T WAIT
CHARACTER PICKED OUT. TO PLAY!!
OKAY, I’LL PICK UP HACKNOIA AND FOUR CHARACTER I’M GONNA KICK-ASS!!! I’VE BEEN READING THOSE
DOSSIER PACKETS IN THE MORNING. YOU GUYS CAN PICK UP FBI CORRESPONDENCE COURSES
YOUR DOSSIER’S TOMMOROW AFTERNOON AND START WORKING ON YOUR I SIGNED UP FOR WHEN MY DAD GOT SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THOSE
CHARACTERS SO THAT THEY ARE READY FOR NEXT WEEK’S GAME!! INTERVIEWS I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE.* I’M A WIZ ON INVESTIGATIVE
PROCEDURE AND COVERT SKILLS!!
MY CHARACTER IS KILLER, DUDE!!! HIS NAME IS LUGAR KRINGE! I’M AN X-MARINE APACHE HELICOPTOR PILOT. MY MILITARY TRAINING GIVES
ME THE MUNITIONS AND SMALL ARMS SKILL PACKAGES. I ALSO HAVE AN INTIMIDATION
PRESCENCE FACTOR DUE TO SOME RESDIUAL MILITARY-BEARING.
I TOOK BRIAN’S ADVICE AND LOOKED INTO CHARACTER FLAWS MY WEAPON OF CHOICE IS A GOLD PLATED, BUREAU-
AS A WAY TO SQUEEZE SOME ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS. I MODIFIED 9MM LUGAR WITH LASER-
TOOK CHRONIC-INDIGESTION AS A MAJOR SIGHTING AND A POP-OUT MUZZLE-SABRE!! I
FLAW - WORTH 675 ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS. AND I TOOK HAVE THE ABILITY TO MOVE ABOUT THE UPPER SOCIAL
LACTOSE-INTOLERANCE AS A MINOR FLAW FOR CLASSES AT EASE. I LOVE FINE WINE, FAST CARS AND CLASSY WOMEN!!!
150 BUILDING POINTS. I USED THOSE POINTS TO PURCHASE A I HAVE SIX TOP-OF-THE-LINE FINELY TAILORED ARMANI SUITS IN MY
BURRLY-BODY BUILD WHICH GIVES ME AN 85% WARDROBE.
CHANCE OF KICKING DOWN
ANY DOORWAY OR
WHOAH!! KICK-ASS GOOD JOB, BOB!! YA SEE?? CHARACTER
PORTAL!!
CHARACTER, BOB!! FLAWS RULE!!
OKAY BOB, SOUNDS LIKE A MY CHARACTER’S NAME IS TERRANCE BRICK!! I WAS RAISED ON THE STREETS OF
FAIRLY REASONABLE CHICAGO WHERE I EVENTUALLY BECAME A GANG-BANGER. AFTER I MADE A “HIT”
CHARACTER. LOOKS LIKE YOUR ON A RIVAL GANG-LORD MY OWN GANG BETRAYED ME AFTER CUTTING A DEAL WITH THE
NEXT DAVE!! D.A. I WAS FACING 95 TO LIFE IN JOLIET AND NOT A SHRED OF HOPE OF EVER SEEING THE TOUGH BREAK,
LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!! DUDE!!! HOW’D GO
FROM LIFER TO
FEDERAL AGENT??
SOUNDS LIKE MOVIE OF THE
YOUR OWN GANG WEEK MATERIAL!!
BETRAYED YOU???
DAMN, THAT
SUCKS!!!!
6
WELL, ONCE I WAS ON THE INSIDE, MY GANG-BANGER BACKGROUND ATTRACTED THE
ATTENTION OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY BUREAU WHO WERE ATTEMPTING TO
INFILTRATE THE GANGS. I WAS GRANTED A FULL PARDON IN EXCHANGE FOR MY COOPERATION. THE
OPERATION WAS SO SUCCESSFUL THAT I WAS INDUCTED INTO THE NSB. ENOUGH
BACKGROUND!!! i
KUDOS DAVE!!! want to know what
that’s a very creative kind of skills and
so you’re some kind of
background. i’m impressed. abilities you are
EARTHY STREET-
bringing to the team.
PUNK SNITCH??
I MAXED OUT MY SKILLS IN STREETWISE, GANGLAND GEE DAVE, I DUNNO. YOUR CHARACTER SEEMS KINDA
CULTURE, BLACKMARKET SAVY, SPEAK SLANG WEAK. OUR CHARACTERS ARE TOTAL
AND HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT WITH
OPPOSITES. I’M AFRAID THEY WON’T CLICK.
IMPROVISED WEAPONS. TO ENHANCE MY CHARACTER
WHAT ARE YOU PACKING AS FAR AS WEAPONS??
I TOOK THE MAJOR FLAW,
ALLERGIC TO POULTRY!! a matched pair of SAWED-OFF SHOTGUNS
I USED THE EXTRA 275 which i keep in my INNER-THIGH CONCEALED
BUILDING POINTS TO HOLSTERS and a 45 CALIBER
PURCHASE “DEAD AIM” AS EQUALIZER fitted with a ruby-optic laser site.
ONE OF MY MAJOR
ABILITIES. oh mmmmmmm,
nevermind what i said.
brother!! ruby-optic!!
I RULE!!! your kewl, dude!!
well, that’s a pretty decent WELL....I CAN’T TELL YOU TOO MUCH ABOUT MY CHARACTER. MY NAME IS
character dave. i’m impressed. okay JAMIE DAWN AND I’M A CLASS THREE OPERATIVE
sara, you’re up!! let’s have a look at FOR THE NSB. I CARRY A STANDARD ISSUE 38 REVOLVER. MY BUREAU
your character!! RECORDS HAVE BEEN SEALED BY ORDER OF THE DIRECTOR. ALL YOU
KNOW IS THAT I WAS RECENTLY TRANSFERRED TO THE CHICAGO OFFICE.
LET’S HAVE IT MISSY!!! WHAT IS IT THIS
TIME? A FORMER GREENPEACE WORKER?? A huh??? why all hmmmm, what are
FARM-AID VOLUNTEER?? POLITICAL the secrecy?? you up to sara??
ACTIVIST??
7
HEY, HEY, HEY¡¡ WHAT THE HELL’S
GOING ON HERE??? WE’RE A TEAM. THERE SORRY GUYS, AS FAR AS YOU ARE
HERE, PASS THIS SEALED AREN’T ANY SECRETS BETWEEN CONCERNED I’M JUST ANOTHER
ENVELOPE DOWN TO B.A. IT MEMBERS OF A TEAM!! FEMALE AGENT - A BIT ON THE
LISTS ALL THE DETAILS ABOUT ATTRACTIVE SIDE, MAYBE, AND
MY CHARACTER THAT CAN’T BE PERHAPS OVERLY INVOLVED WITH
DIVULGED TO THE GROUP!! YEAH, COME ON, SARA. YOU HER CAREER, BUT I WOULDN’T
GOTTA TELL US YOUR WORRY ABOUT IT.
BACKGROUND AND SKILLS.
SARA’S RIGHT GUYS!!! UNDER THE RULES OF HACKNOIA JERKS!!! GET OVER IT!!! AS FAR AS YOUR
SHE IS ALLOWED TO WITHHOLD CHARACTER CHARACTERS KNOW, SARA HAS TOLD YOU
INFORMATION FROM OTHER MEMBERS OF THE PARTY. WELL I DON’T LIKE ADVENTURING EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW. LOOKS, LIKE
FOR EXAMPLE, DAVE, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO TELL WITH SOMEONE WHO HARBORS YOUR UP, BRIAN!!
EVERYONE YOU WERE AN X-CON. THAT WAS YOUR SECRETS!!!
CHOICE.
I’M IN FULL SUPPORT OF SARA
ON THIS ONE GUYS!!
I’M GONNA SUBPOENA
HER RECORDS AND GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF
THIS!!
FREAKS!!
PAGE 156, FIRST COLUMN, SIXTH PARAGRAPH, LINE FOUR STATES THAT, MY CHARACTER’S NAME IS NIGEL MOLENSKI.
“THE WORLD OF HACKNOIA IS A WORLD OF OF INTRIGUE, SHADOWY I REALLY BEAT MYSELF UP WITH MAJOR AND MINOR FLAWS SO
FIGURES, UNCERTAINTY, PARANOIA AND UNANSWERED QUESTIONS. THERE I COULD GAIN AS MUCH STEALTH, LEADERSHIP AND
WILL ARE SITUATIONS WHERE IT IS PRUDENT FOR A PLAYER ONLY TO ASSASSIN SKILLS AS POSSIBLE. AMONG OTHER THINGS,
REVEAL AS MUCH INFORMATION I TOOK HACKING-COUGH, CLAUSTROPHOBIA, AND
ABOUT HIS CHARACTER AS HE HAS TO NERVOUS-TICK FOR A TOTAL OF 1,675 ADDITIONAL BUILDING POINTS.
- EVEN TO FELLOW AGENTS. SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME; I CARRY A ·MM
MAKAROV SELF-LOADING PISTOL, I’M A MASTER
OF DIGUISE!! I CARRY A COIL OF NUMBER 9 GUITAR STRING IN MY
POCKET AT ALL TIMES. OTHER THAN THAT I’M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON AND I
NEVER SOCIALIZE WITH ANY OF YOU OUTSIDE THE CONTEXT OF A MISSION.
FROM THERE IT
INEXPLICABLY GOES INTO
SOME MOLTOV
COCKTAIL RULES.
SLOPPY EDITING!!
8
AGAIN WITH THE SECRECY
CRAP!!!! DUDE, WE’VE GOT TO
HERE SARA, PASS THIS DOWN TO B.A. STICK TOGETHER. I THINK THOSE TWO
IT CONTAINS CONFIDENTIAL HAVE WORKED UP SOME KIND OF
INFORMATION REGARDING MY CONSPIRACY AGAINST US.
CHARACTER.
EEEEEWWWWW!!! A MAN OF
MYSTERY EH?? MY
I THINK YER RIGHT!!! CHARACTER LOVES THE
I WATCH YER STRONG, SILENT TYPE!!
BACK - YOU WATCH
MINE!!
CHECK! ERP..WHEEZE...
CUT IT OUT SARA.
HOLD ON THERE, B.A.!!! LUGAR YEAH!! AND MY CHARACTER, AGENT BRICK, IS GOING TO BREAK INTO
GREAT!!! NOW THAT ALL THE THE BUREAU PERSONNEL OFFICE AND LOOK AT THEIR
KRINGE IS A LITTLE LEARY
CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS SEALED RECORDS.. SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST HAND ME THOSE
OF HIS COMPATRIOTS. I WANT TO
ARE FINISHED, YOU ARE ENVELOPES THEY GAVE YOU SO I CAN READ THEM.
INVESTIGATE THEM!!! I’M GOING TO
READY TO BE BRIEFED FOR
CORNER BRIAN IN THE MEN’S
YOUR FIRST MISSION. I TAKE BOB’S CONFRONTATIONAL
RESTROOM AND ‘PRY’ A FEW UH-OH BRIAN,
ANSWERS OUT OF HIM. WE BETTER TEAM ATTITUDE AS A PERSONAL THREAT. I’M
UP!! USING MY PEPPER-SPRAY
TIE CLIP ON HIM!!
TWENTY MINUTES LATER... I’M USING THE SECURITY GUARD AS A HUMAN-SHIELD. I’M GOING TO
TRY AND SHOOT THE LOCK OF THE FILE-CABINET ONE MORE TIME BEFORE FLEEING THE
PERSONNEL OFFICE!!
HEY!!! B.A., DID YOU HEAR ME?? I SAID I’M
DROPING THE EXPENDED LAW ROCKET TUBE
AND PICKING MY AK-447 BACK UP. I’M GOING TO KICK IN LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE IN DEEP NOT NECCESARILY!!! MY DESK IS
THE DOOR TO BRIAN’S OFFICE AND DO A KIMSHEE BRIAN!! EQUIPPED WITH CLAYMORE-
KIRK-SHOULDER ROLL AND COME UP MINE PRIVACY
BLAZING AWAY. PANELS!!
(WHIMPER)
9
The Shake-Down Mission Story suggested by brian jelke,
steve johansson, and Clayton BUsh
OKAY, I’VE THOUGHT IT OVER AND THIS IS MY DECISION. LAST WEEK’S HACKNOIA ADVENTURE??? IT NEVER HAPPENED!! I’M NOT LETTING ‹‚-
PLUS HOURS OF ADVENTURE DESIGN AND PREPARATION GO DOWN THE DRAIN. YOU IDIOTS ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING BUT DESTROYING
THE FIFTH FLOOR OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY BUREAU’S ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE BUILDING AND KILLING FORTY OF YOUR FELLOW
AGENTS. SO WE’RE STARTING OVER AT GROUND ZERO. YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR MISSION BRIEFING FROM THE ADMINISTRATOR AND WE WILL MOVE DIRECTLY
INTO THE ADVENTURE!!!! DO NOT PASS GO!! UNDERSTAND??
START OVER??? BUT I WAS MAKING THIS SUCKS!!! ALL THAT WORK GOOD CALL, B.A.!!! LAST WEEK WAS A
GOOD HEADWAY IN MY INVESTIGATION OF BARRACADING MYSELF IN MY OFFICE TOTAL DISASTER!!
SARA AND BRIAN!! WASTED!!!
YOUR OFFICE?? DAMN!!
I KNEW YOU
BACKTRACKED ON ME.
OKAY, YOU’VE ALL RECEIVED ORDERS TO APPEAR IN THE MAIN I’M SHOWING UP AT THE MEETING THIRTY MINUTES EARLY. I’M
CONFERENCE ROOM AT 9:00 A.M. ON MONDAY MORNING FOR YOUR GOING TO CHECK FOR BUGS AND SURVELLANCE DEVICES. I’LL
MISSION BRIEFING BY DIRECTOR HEADLEY!! SINCE REPLACE ANY I FIND WITH THOSE OF MY OWN.
THIS IS YOUR FIRST OFFICIAL MISSION YOU MAY WANT TO MAKE
I’M PURPOSELY SHOWING UP WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
THE BEST POSSIBLE FIRST
FIVE MINUTES LATE!!! ONE OF MORONS?? DO YOU SHARE
IMPRESSION YOU CAN. OKAY,
MY PERSONALITY TRAITS IS THE SAME BRAIN??
AS YOU ENTER THE BRIEFING
ROOM YOU SEE... “COCKY”.
CALGARY?? THAT’S A IT’S IN CANADA DON’T WORRY GUYS!!! WHAT THE BRASS
NO WEAPONS?? SOVIET BLOCK COUNTRY!! YOU IDIOT!! DOESN’T KNOW WON’T HURT THEM!!!
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!
NOBODY GOES TO THE FIELD LET’S JUST SAY
UNARMED!! WE’LL HAVE A FEW
PERSONAL
EFFECTS
PACKED AWAY IN
OUR CARRY-ON
BAGGAGE!! HAR
HAR.
10
HEY¡¡ HOLD ON A MINUTE BABA LOUIE!!
OKAY, HE DISMISSES YOU. YOUR AIRPLANE LEAVES IN TWO I HAVE A LIST OF SPECIAL EQUIPMENT AND WEAPONS I’M GOING TO
HOURS. YOU’LL NEED TO PACK YOUR BAGS AND MEET BACK AT NEED FOR THIS MISSION. I’M GOING DOWN TO SEE CUE IN
THE AIRPORT AN HOUR BEFORE DEPARTURE. MISSION SUPPLY AND OUTFITTING!!!
SORRY BOB!!! CUE INFORMS YOU THAT THIS IS A CLASS VI MISSION: MINIMAL
RISK TO AGENTS. NO SPECIALIZED EQUIPMENT WILL BE AUTHORIZED!! COME ON GUYS!! WE HAVE A
PLANE TO CATCH!!
OKAY, FORGET THE BERETTA SNIPER RIFLE AND MINIMAL RISK?? WE’RE GOING
THE GRENADE LAUNCHER - CAN I AT LEAST GET THE TO CALGARY FOR GAWD’S SAKE!!! I’M HOPING ON THE INTERNET
KEVLAR TRENCH COAT AND GALOSHES WITH BEHIND THE FREAKIN’ IRON CURTAIN!! TO DOWNLOAD ANYTHING
CONCEALED TOE-DAGGERS?? I CAN FIND ON CROP CIRCLES!!!
CUE TELLS YOU HE IS BUSY AND TO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! YOU MANAGE TO POCKET A
GET OUT OF HIS OFFICE!!! HE’S STAPLER AND A HAND FULL OF PAPER CLIPS!!
REALLY ANNOYED. HE EVEN ASKS BUSY HUH?? MAYBE HE’S TOO
YOU FOR YOUR NAMES AND BADGE BUSY TO NOTICE IF I POCKET GOOD GOING BOB!!! THEY’LL COME
NUMBERS AND JOTS THEM DOWN ON SOMETHING FROM HIS DESK BEFORE HOODY-HOO!!! IN REAL HANDY IF WE RUN INTO
A PIECE OF PAPER. I LEAVE. I’LL GRAB ANYTHING I CAN GET I WONDER WHAT THEY DO??? SOME HEAVY COLLATING!!
MY HANDS ON WHEN HE ISN’T LOOKING! LET’S HAUL BUTT, DUDE!!
WHY DON’T YOU DIVVY UP THE
PAPER CLIPS??
11
LATER AS THE TEAM TOUCHES
DOWN IN CALGARY....
CRIPES DUDE, RELAX!!!
OKAY AS YOU EXIT THE PLANE YOU ARE DIRECTED TOWARD ALMIGHTY¡¡ WE’RE NSB AGENTS!!! WE’RE GAWDS
CUSTOMS!!! YOU BEGIN WALKING DOWN A LONG CORRIDOR - CUSTOMS?? AND WE’RE TO THESE RENT-A-COP TYPES!!!!
AT THE END YOU CAN SEE A LINE OF UNIFORMED GUARDS LOADED FOR BEAR!!! WHAT
CHECKING LUGGAGE AND PASSPORTS!! ARE WE GOING TO DO??
DAVE’S RIGHT!!! JUST FLASH YER
BADGES AND ACT COOL!!
12
OKAY YOU MANAGE TO PILE LISTEN UP GUYS!!! AS TEAM LEADER I
UP YOUR LUGGAGE TO FORM A HERE BY DECLARE THIS MISSION A BLACK-OP!!!
I’M USING MY · IRON
DEFENSIVE WALL.
ONE OF THE SECURITY
CAMCORDER TO VIDEO TAPE THIS NO WITTNESSES!!!
ENTIRE INCIDENT SO WE HAVE PROOF WE
GUARDS PULLS OUT A WERE AMBUSHED!!
BULL HORN AND ORDERS YOU
TO SURRENDER!!!! CRAP!! THINGS ARE
THE HELL WITH
REALLY GETTING OUT OF
IT. SOMEBODY
I YELL BACK, “WE’RE NSB YOU HAND. AS TEAM LEADER
LOAN ME A
RAT BASTARDS!!! WE I’M LIKELY TO BE THE
WEAPON.
NEVER SURRENDER!!” FALL GUY!!
HEY YOU IDIOT¡¡¡¡ THAT JANITOR JUST HAPPENS TO AS THE BATTLE ENSUES.....
BE ME¡¡¡ I’M IN DISGUISE - REMEMBER???
SORRY, BOB AIMING THE
STAPLER AT THE GUARD AND
UH....SORRY DUDE!!! YOUR DISGUISE REGARDLESS!!! WHY SQUEEZING IT HAD NO
WAS JUST TOO GOOD! IN THE HELL WOULD DISCERNABLE EFFECT!! DAVE’S
I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU!!! YOU SHOOT A GRENADE DOES BLAST A
JANITOR ANYWAY!! HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE
AIRCRAFT HANGER LARGE ENOUGH
FOR YOU TO ALL SQUEEZE
THROUGH.
IT’S A
BLACK-OP
SARA!!
13
LATER AS THE TEAM FIGHTS THEIR WAY THROUGH DOWNTOWN CALGARY...
14
OKAY AS YOU ARE BUSY WITH YOUR INVESTIGATION YOU
SUDDENLY HEAR A LOUD NOISE COMING FROM
THE HORIZON. LOOKING UP YOU ARE SURPISED TO SEE A WAIT!!! HE’S JUST A HARMLESS
WE’VE GOT TO STOP HIM!!!
HUMONGOUS COMBINE MOVING THROUGH FARMER!!! WE DON’T HAVE TO KILL HIM!!
I’M ASSEMBLING THE PIECES OF THE
THE WHEAT TOWARD THE CROP CIRCLES. MINIATURE-MORTAR IN MY
APPARENTLY THE FARMER IS HARVESTING HIS SHAVING KIT!!! HMMMMM. SHE MAY BE RIGHT DAVE. WE
WHEAT CROP!!
MAY WANT TO TAKE HIM ALIVE FOR
INTERROGATION
PURPOSES. TRY TO DISABLE THE
HUH??? THE BASTARD IS TRYING TO
COMBINE WITHOUT HITTING THE CAB!!
DESTROY THE EVIDENCE!!! THE COMMIES
MUST HAVE GOTTEN TO HIM!!
TEN MINUTES LATER≥≥≥ AS A WALL OF FLAME SWEEPS TOWARD YOU - SHOTS SUDDENLY RING
YOU’RE THIRD MORTAR SHELL STRIKES THE THRASHING- OUT. BOB YOU ARE HIT FOR 15 POINTS OF DAMAGE!! A VOICE CRIES OUT,
BLADES OF THE COMBINE, DAVE!! A HUGE BILLOWING CLOUD OF “HOOT MON!!! DAT’S MA PRIZED COMBINE YA
SMOKE RISES UP INTO THE AIR AS THE FLAMES FROM THE DESTROYED!!! I’M A GONNA MAKE YA PAY WIT YER LIFE”
EXPLOSION SETS THE WHEAT FIELD ON FIRE!!
WAIT A MINUTE....
THE CAB DOOR FLIES THAT LAME IT CAN’T BE!!! NO WHO DID HE SAY
OPEN AND THE FARMER ACCENT??? IT WAY IN HELL!! OWNED THIS
LEAPS FROM THE ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE.... FARM AGAIN??
COMBINE CLUTCHING A
HUNTING RIFLE. PICKENS!!!
R.G. PICKENS
(GULP)
OKAY DAVE AS YOU ARE LOW-CRAWLING TRYING TO THROUGH THE SMOKE YOU SEE GURDY RUNNING
OUT FLANK GURDY YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF FOR A FARM HOUSE IN THE DISTANCE!!!! HE’S
NOSE-TO-NOSE WITH HIS PIT BULL, GOT A GOOD START ON YOU!!
NICE DOGGIE!!!
GNAWBONE!!!! ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!!! NICE DOGGIE!!! RUN MY LITTLE WE’VE GOT TO STOP
IRISH FRIEND!! HIM!!! HE’S GOING TO
I’M RELOADING MY LUGAR AND ATTEMPTING TO CALL FOR HELP!!!
CIRCLE AROUND IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
16
IN YER FACE EVERY MONTH!!!
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the TM
No. 14
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Dinner Table
18
WITH GREAT CONFIDENCE, BRIAN PRESENTS FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER....
THE ‘COVER STORY’ TO HEADLEY.
...TO OUR SHOCK WE DISCOVERED OUR RESCUERS WERE ACTUALLY
...IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT THE ALEUTIAN MEMBERS OF A MILITANT-FRINGE-MORMON
FREEDOM FIGHTERS RELEASED A MIND- SECT YET UNIDENTIFIED BY THE NSB. THEIR AIM, FROM WHAT
ALTERING NEURO-GAS INTO THE PLANES I GATHERED THROUGH MY LIMITED CONTACT WITH THEM, IS TO
VENTILATION SYSTEM. BY THE TIME WE HAD LANDED AT CALGARY LIBERATE UTAH AND ESTABLISH A FREE AND INDEPENDENT
THE PASSENGERS HAD BEEN DRIVEN UTTERLY AND NATION. WE WERE SIMPLY UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO UNKNOWINGLY
COMPLETELY MAD!!! FORTUNATELY, OUR INTENSE NSB DISRUPT THEIR CALGARY BASE=OF-OPERATIONS - THE FARM HOUSE
TRAINING ALLOWED US TO RETAIN OUR SANITY AND WE TRIED OUR WHERE THE CROP CIRCLES HAD APPEARED. BOUND AND GAGGED,
BEST TO MAINTAIN ORDER. WE WE WERE PLACED ON THE HI-JACKED AIRLINER THEIR PLAN WAS
WATCHED IN HORROR AS THE TO DROP OUR BODIES ON THE UTAH EMBASSY STEPS IN CHICAGO TO
PASSENGERS, IN A MOB RAISE AWARENESS OF THEIR CAUSE. FORTUNATELY, WE WERE ABLE
FRENZY, RUSHED THE TO BREAK FREE AND WRESTLE CONTROL OF THE PLANE FROM.....
CUSTOMS STATION. WHAT
FOLLOWED WAS A
BLOOD BATH.
I (CHOKE) DON’T
THINK I’LL EVER GET
OVER THE SIGHT
OF....
19
OH YEAH, ABOUT YOUR “STORY”. HEADLEY OPENS A HEADLEY DISMISSES YOU. OH, SARA, HEADLEY SAYS HE HAS SOME
REPORT AND READS THE ‘REAL’ DETAILS OF YOUR BUNGLED QUESTIONS ABOUT (AHEM) YOUR EXPENSE REPORT.
MISSION. HE HAS ALL THE FACTS - THE MASSACRE HE’D LIKE YOU TO ACCOMPANY HIM TO LUNCH TO DISCUSS IT!!!
AT THE CUSTOMS STATION, THE GUN
BRAWL IN DOWNTOWN CALGARY, EVEN OH...(BLUSH)...I KNEW MY I FUDGED MY MATH ON THOSE
THE 10,000 DOLLAR MISSION FUND BOB TOTALS. YES, I’D BE GLAD TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM.
REPORTED LOST BUT POCKETED. AS HE’S READING THE REPORT
HE BEGINS SHAKING SO BADLY WITH ANGER THAT HE HAS TO
HOW THE HELL DID HE BREAK OUR COVER-
PAUSE AND WIPE THE SWEAT FROM HIS FOREHEAD.
UP?? WE ALL STUCK TO OUR STORY!!
HE INFORMS YOU THAT YOU ARE HEY WHY IS
ALL ON PROBATION - I BET THAT DAMN
SARA OFF
WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SARA. STAPLER WAS
THE HOOK???
THE REST OF YOU WILL BE SOME KIND OF BUG OR
LUNCH??
ASSIGNED DESK JOBS AT NSB SOMETHING!!
HEADQUARTERS UNTIL THE
INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETED.
20
TRAITOR¡¡¡ BLAM¡ BLAM¡
BLAM¡¡¡ THREE CALLED SHOTS TO SARA’S I’M SORRY SARA. BOB’S ATTACK COMPLETELY CAUGHT YOU
HEAD. BLAM¡ BLAM¡ BLAM¡ THREE AND DIRECTOR HEADLY OFF GUARD. YOU’RE BOTH
CALLED SHOTS TO HEADLEY’S HEAD!!! DEAD. YOUR BRAINS SPLATTERED AGAINST THE WALLS,
DRIPPING DOWN THE VARIOUS CHARTS AND...
SHUT UP¡ JUST SHUT UP≤ B.A.¡¡¡ SHUT UP¡ I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A LONG DESCRIPTION ABOUT
MY BRAIN-GOO RUNNING DOWN THE WALLS¡¡¡ I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU!! YOU
BUMBLING IDIOT¡¡¡¡ YOU...(SPUTTER) YOU...(SPUTTER) YOU BLEW MY COVER!! WORSE YET - YOU
LET... (SPUTTER) YOU LET THESE IMBECILES ACT ON KNOWLEDGE THEIR CHARACTERS DIDN’T EVEN
KNOW. I... (SPUTTER) I... (SPUTTER). I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER RIGHT NOW!!! I THINK I HAD BETTER LEAVE
BEFORE I START TEARING DOWN THE WALLS!!!
M¡ ¡¡
S L A
21
OKAY, WE ARRANGE THE BODIES SO IT LOOKS LIKE THEY BEFORE WE CALL SECURITY I’M
SHOT EACH OTHER. I’M PUTTING MY LUGAR IN SARA’S I’LL GRAB SARA’S SHOOTING MYSELF IN THE ARM
HAND. THEN WE’LL CALL SECURITY. WE’LL TELL THEM REPORT AND DESTROY WITH BOB’S GUN!!! I WANT IT TO
SARA’S WAS A SPURNED LOVER AND SHOT HEADLEY IT!!!! NOW NOBODY LOOK LIKE TRIED TO TAKE A
BEFORE KILLING HERSELF!!! KNOWS NOTHIN’!! BULLET FOR HEADLEY BY
SO....YOU’RE TELLING THEM SARA THROWING MYSELF IN THE LINE
SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD OF FIRE!!
THREE TIMES??
WHOAH... THAT’S A DAMN GOOD IDEA!!! OH GREAT!!! YOU TWO COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A HEY!! BACK OFF
SOMEBODY SHOOT ME IN THE ABDOMEN!!! ROSE!!! YOU TOOK A BULLET FOR THE BIG GUY!!! JACK¡¡ IT WAS MY
WHAT ABOUT ME?? I’M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A IDEA!!! TOO MANY HEROES
FREAKIN’ COWARD SITTIN’ HERE WITH NO WOUNDS. DILUTES THE RECOGNITION
SHOOT ME A COUPLE OF TIMES, WILLYA?? FACTOR IF YOU KNOW
I’M IN WHAT I MEAN.
HELL!!!
22
Prying Eyes
OKAY, THE BUREAU’S SPECIAL INQUIRY COMPLETES IT’S INVESTIGATION. YOU
HAVE ALL BEEN CLEARED OF ANY WRONG DOING. YOU ARE REMOVED FROM PROBATION AND PLACED
BACK ON THE ACTIVE-AGENT LIST AND ELIGIBLE FOR FIELD ASSIGNMENTS ONCE AGAIN.
GREAT!! NOW THAT MY
I TOLD YOU GREASING A FEW PALMS WITH BLEMISHED NAME HAS BEEN
HAAAA!!! SARA CLEARED, I CAN RESUME MY
THAT TEN-GRAND WOULD DO THE TRICK!!
MISSED OUT!!! CLIMB TO THE TOP!!
OKAY, THE NEW ADMINISTRATOR, WARKOWSKI SUMMONS YOU FOR A MISSION BRIEFING IN HIS OFFICE. HE TELLS YOU HE IS GIVING YOU
A VERY IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT - ONE THAT COULD POSSIBLY DETERMINE THE FUTURE OF THE NSB ITSELF. THE LIVES OF YOUR
FELLOW AGENTS ARE AT STAKE. DURING A RECENT IN-HOUSE EVALUATION EVIDENCE WAS UNCOVERED THAT A MOLE
HAS INFILTRATED THE RANKS OF THE NSB. YOU’RE JOB IS TO FIND OUT WHO THE DOUBLE-AGENT IS AND TO ELIMINATE HIM.
23
OH, I SEE!!! IT’S MY FAULT SARA’S DEAD??? IS THAT
IT?? WELL SHE’S THE ONE WHO WAS GOING AROUND
RATTING ON US. OR DID YOU FORGET I AGREE!!! IF IT HADN’T BEEN FOR BRIAN
THAT?? HER AND HER LITTLE SECRET NOTES STICKING UP FOR HER AND THROWING THOSE
TO B.A.!!! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS FISHY WHEN SHE RULES IN OUR FACE ABOUT NONDISCLOSURE OF
WOULDN’T TELL US EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW CHARCTER INFORMATION I WOULD HAVE
ABOUT HER CHARACTER. IT WAS A DEAD GIVE AWAY - WE THROWN A HISSY-FIT!! IT JUST AIN’T RIGHT.
SHOULD HAVE KILLED HER ON THE SPOT!! PLAYERS SHOULD STICK TOGETHER.
24
THIS CALLS FOR A LITTLE
DAMN!!! CAN YOU STEALTH AND WIT!!! COVER FOR
BELIEVE THAT??? HE TOOK ME!!! I’M GOING TO HIDE UNDER
IT WITH HIM?? THAT NAH, IT DOESN’T MEAN A THE TABLE. SSSHHHHHHH!!!!
KLINCHES IT!!!! SOMETHING IS THING. HE ALWAYS HERE HE COMES!!!
DEFINITELY GOING ON!!! TAKES HIS CHARACTER
SHEET TO THE CAN.
HEY, B.A.!!! YOU NEED TO PUT OUT ANOTHER ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN THE
BATHROOM. YER ALL OUT. SO...ARE WE READY TO TAKE OUT
WARKOW........HEY???? WHERE THE HELL DID BOB GO??
25
NO.....UH....(ACKK!!) HELL, THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO
SWEAR BY SUCH THINGS AS SWITCH
CH¡¡
I...UH....UH...WAS JUST
CURIOUS, THAT’S ALL. SAY, BLADES, GARROTS, STUN-GUNS, WHATEVER. PUN
WHAT WOULD YOU (GULP) BY MY RECKONING, HOWEVER, NOTHING
UH...RECOMMEND AS FAR BEATS THE RAW NAKED POWER OF THE KR
UN
AS A GOOD CLOSE HUMAN FIST!!! CH
¡¡
¡
DEFENSE WEAPON??? H¡
AS
KR
WOULDN’T YOU
AGREE.....BOBBY-BOY??
CL
AP
CL E
AP TY
¡¡
26
now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheesy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
copy this page and write your own classic KODT story ideas. Mail your entry* to
* The Fine Print: All entries become the property of Kenzer and Company. By submitting your story line, you hereby assign all
right title and interest in and to the story to Kenzer and Company. If your idea is used you will receive a free, autographed
copy of the issue in which it appears. By returning this form with your submission, you agree to be bound by these terms.
B.A. is 30 years old and lives with his
parents. When he isn’t gaming he works part-
time in his dad’s dry cleaning shop. B.A.
dropped out of college to follow his dream of
being a game designer. He sunk $6,000 into his
first gaming product, DAWG: the Role-Playing
G a m e ™, which was a bomb. B.A. suffered a
nervous breakdown and left gaming for a few
years before picking up his dice bag again. He
founded the Knights of the Dinner Table in 1976.
The Dossiers
B.A. Felton
Weird Pete
Life’s a Serendipity’s Circle
BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS
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_____
Fans ofWierd fantasy and Horror
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best bang for your buck I’ve seen in a
long time. Sixty pages packed with
adventures, rule-variants, articles, and
much more. It’s enough to make the
dead cry for more.
Issue 11 had material for
BloodShadows, Chill, Over the Edge,
Nightlife, Whispering Vault,
Deadlands, and much more.
Impressive stuff.
Brian’s Rating: Gotta-See-It
Fractal Spectrum
The Magazine for the Creative Gamer
Price: $2.95
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Frequency: Quarterly
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____
Tired of the house-organ rags put out by the big guys?? Then
you’ll find this comic-book sized game publication a refreshing
change. Here you’ll find such things as interviews with game
designers, reviews, rule-variants, informative articles, etc.
We uncovered a small cache of KODT #2s [Gluttons for Punishment] in the back of the Rich,
warehouse. These are being sold via credit card only on a first come, first served basis. If The fiends!
you are interested in purchasing one of these, call or fax (847) 397-2404 or E-mail
kenzerco @aol.com with your Visa/Mastercard/Discover number and expiration date. The Fred
cost is $7.95 + $1.00 postage & handling. Once these issues are gone, they’re gone forever!!
We are also down to our last few copies of KODT #3 [License to Loot].
The cost is $7.95 + $1.00 postage & handling. See above for ordering details.
Classic
Quotes:
ATTENTION FREELANCERS
Kenzer and Company is looking for a few good writers and artists!! Last month’s
Get a copy of our writer’s guidelines by sending a SASE to: quote was uttered by Merlin in
KenzerCo, 1935 S. Plum Grove Rd, Suite 194, Palatine, IL 60067 Excaliber while addressing Arthur’s
or you can request them via E-mail by writing to KenzerCo@aol.com knights after the land became united.
The Egyptian Campaign ‘98 is a gaming convention held on the campus of Southern Illinois University
at Carbondale March 27-29. The convention’s doors open at 11am on Friday and 8am Saturday and
Sunday. It features eights gaming slots, special guests, a used game auction and miniatures contest.
Admission is only $12 at the door and $10 with preregistration. There are no event fees. Games include
RPGA AD&D, Shadowrun, Battletech, Warhammer 40K, Empire Builder, Diplomacy, Axis & Allies,
Magic, Monty Python CCG, Star Fleet Battles, Car Wars and many other board, miniature, card and
roleplaying games. For more information please write to Egyptian Campaign 1998, c/o S.I.U.C. Strategic
Games Society. Office of Student Development, 3rd Floor Student Center, Carbondale, IL 62901-4425 or
call Joel T. Nadler at (618) 529-4630 or E-mail to ECGGamCon@aol.com. Also visit our WEB site at
http://www.siu.edu/~gamesoc.
WEIRD PETE”S
BULLETIN BOARD is a
meeting place where
readers pass along
information, barter, trade
and gossip. Readers are
invited to place classified ads,
announce group meetings, seek out other
players, etc. Subscribers of KODT may place
classified ads free of charge with a limit of one ad per issue and a
maximum of twenty-five words. Non-Subscribers may place ads at the rate
of 50¢ per word with a limit of 25 words. Companies may place ads at the following
rates: [5.5 inches x 2 inches - 50 dollars], [2.75 inches x 2 inches - 25 dollars], [1.5 inches x 1
inch - 10 dollars]. Non-profit organizations (serving the gaming community) and Conventions/Seminars
may place ads for free. All ads are placed on a first-come-first serve basis with subscribers having priority.
20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom
Stallmate at a Gaming Convention
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the
your neighbor, "May I borrow a twenty sider?" stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the
on that." balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody
alfredo you had for breakfast.
breaks the silence with a bodily function noise and
yell, “10 experience points” 15. Knock on the stall wall. When the guy next to
you asks what you want, reply, “You ever play a
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
thief-assassin??” If he answers, “Yes” respond
PARTING SHOTS
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh crap! My glass eye! with, “Wow! Tell me all about him.” If he answers,
My glass eye!" “No” respond by telling him all about the one you
6. Give a stifled scream and mutter, "For the love of played.
gawd!! I've never seen that color before." 16. Same as number 15 but this time say, “Hey
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and dude, ya gotta come see this. I swallowed a four-
then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a sider yesterday and...”
height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. (For added effect, 17. Pretend you are rolling up a character and
twitch your feet violentlly prior to dropping the comment on the stats you are getting. (Be sure to
cantelope). roll some dice on the floor so your neighbor can
8. Working with a partner in another stall - pretend see them.) “Whoo-Hoo!! 18 Strength!! This dwarf
you are playing a game of Battleship. Accomplice 1: rocks!!” For an added touch reach your hand under
B (grunt followed by a splash) 4! the stall wall and ask your neighbor to “blow” on
Accomplice 2: Miss (grunt) your dice for good luck.
Accomplice 1: B (painful moan-splash) 5 18. Take some miniatures and create a diarama on
the stall floor (where your neighbor can see them
Accomplice 2: Hit! as well). Then roll some dice and move them about
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." as if you are playing a miniatures game. (Variant:
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it Have an accomplice set up his armies in a stall on
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors the other side of your neighbor so you outflank him
while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" on both sides and the proceed to “march” into his
11. Yell out, “Save vs. Gas!” stall.
12. Take a few Milk Duds and squish them into a 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall,
wad of toilet paper and let it drop on the floor and adjust it so you can see your neighbor’s face and
kick it into your neighbor’s stall. Then politely ask, say, "Hey!! Didn’t you kick my ass in Civilization
“Whoops, could you pass that back over please?" last night?
13. Have a converstation with yourself using 20. Get a group of friends and occupy every stall
various voices. "Quit looking at me!!” “Who the hell but one. When someone finally occupies the empty
is looking at you?” “You are!” “No he wasn’t” “Who stall - pretend you are playing some kind of live-
the hell asked you?” “Hey don’t jump all over me action roleplaying game yelling out combat actions
beanhead - I was standing up for you!” “Well he and results.
doesn’t need your help!”
*Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast. Use of this trade-
mark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the Sovereign
Lands, HackMaster and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.