Knights of the

No.6
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN Dinner Table TM

“PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS”

 Knights of the

Dinner Table
KENZER &
COMPANY TM
Knights of the Dinner Table #6
“Plays Well With Others”
April, 1997
_______________
© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Company, All Rights Reserved.
Knights of the Dinner Table™
comic is published monthly by
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To subscribe, send a check or
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With Others”
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Dinner Table, Plays Well With DAVE STILL HASN’T SHOWN UP YET.
Others, SpaceHack, KODT, Hack WHAT GIVES?
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Files, the Kenzer and Company
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TOOK SOME GIRL OUT TO A BIG
are trademarks of Kenzer and
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 Editorial of a Madman

G
reetings and welcome to another
issue of KODT! I’ve just
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
returned from GAMA (the
Games Industry trade show, held in Reno,
Nevada) and from GAMEFEST (held in
Calgary, Alberta Canada). It was a great
opportunity to talk with manufacturers,
distributors, retailers, and most
importantly, fellow gamers about the
comic book as well as KenzerCo’s other
products.
I also came home with a small pile of
KODT story-ideas and submissions for
future issues. It seemed everyone who
came by the booth had a story to share or a
comment to make about one of the
characters.
I think the big news from GAMA is that
role-playing games are alive and well.
There were lots of new companies
presenting RPGs as their flagship products.
And many old familiar companies who had
been lured away chasing card-games the
past two-years were back with new RPG
products and supplements as well.
Even though I’ve been predicting for the
past 18 months that RPGs would make a
major comeback at GENCON ‘97, I was
very relieved to see so much interest in
role-playing products at GAMA. One of
the Andon Unlimited reps summed it up
best when he said, “You know, I’ve really
missed role-playing games. It feels so
damn good to see all these new products
on the tables.”
Whether or not these new offerings will
find a following remains to be seen. Here’s
my own personal list of games to watch for:
• ALTERNITIES. TSR’s new science
fiction RPG. This game has been
generating a lot of interest.
• FILM NOIR. Archon’s flagship
product. Beautiful product with a stable of
good writers and artists working on
supplements and expansions.
• DEADLANDS. This RPG debuted at
GENCON 96 and was somewhat lost in the
blur of new collectible card games released
at the show. Now it seems to be getting the
attention it deserves and attracting a good
base of players.
• BLUE PLANET. Another sci-fi RPG
with a twist. It takes place on a distant
water planet where a stranded earth-colony
fights for survival.
Also at the show were new products from
Myrmidon Press, Steve Jackson Games,
Five Rings Publishing, West End Games
and many other companies. So the next
time someone says, “Role-playing is dead!”
you can just smile, pat the doomsayer on
the back and say, “Sure....sure.”
Enjoy the issue! And remember to send
in those letters and ideas.
Good Gaming!
Jolly R. Blackburn
April 7, 1997

OKAY BOB, YOU ROLLED A 17 ON WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY MOTHER HATED ME?
THE BACKGROUND HOW CAN SHE HATE ME? GAWD, LOOK AT MY STATS! ANY MOTHER WOULD
TABLE. HMMMM....IT SAYS BE PROUD TO HAVE A DWARVEN-THIEF LIKE ME.
YOU’RE FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL
SOMETIMES I REALLY WISH THEY THERE ARE SOME
FAMILY. YOUR MOTHER HATED
HADN’T PUT THOSE BACKGROUND PLACES A ROLE-PLAYING
YOU AND YOU GREW UP FEELING
TABLES IN THE BOOK. GAME JUST SHOULDN’T GO.
UNLOVED AND UNWANTED WHICH
EXPLAINS YOUR VIOLENT TEMPER.
 Our Readers Talk Back!
Dear KODT,
I just finished reading issue four of KODT and I think
it’s funniest issue to date. Kudos!! I think you should do a
sequel to the Cattlepunk story. I don’t know why, but the
cowboy theme cracks me up to no end. Maybe you should
explore some other genres with the gang. The humor
definitely seems to transcend boundaries.
Jeff Errico
via E-mail
Thanks for your letter Jeff. Apparently a lot of fans
agree with you. The Cattlepunk story in issue four, as well
the prequel which appeared in Dragon #230 sparked a lot
of cries for ‘more’. Letters are also piling up asking for the
boys to try their hands at such genres as space-opera,
super-heroes, horror and even live-action role-playing.
Although their primary game of choice will most definitely
be classic Hackmaster you can expect to see the boys begin
dabbling into the other genres. For example, this issue they
take to the high seas as pirates.
JRB
Dear KODT,
Just wanted to drop you a line to say that I really enjoy
your creation. I was introduced to your comic at GENCON
96, but was only able to get issues 2 and 3. What draws me
to your strip is the people I’ve gamed with over the years.
Your characters seem to represent them all so faithfully
and the story lines ring true to life. Congrats on joining up
with Kenzer and Company. It’s a perfect marriage. I wish
you the best of luck. You deserve it.
Richard Gardner
via E-mail
KODT’s distribution seems to be climbing steadily,
much to the amazement and joy of everyone here at
KenzerCo. Everyone on the staff has become very fond of
the strip and its characters, even to the point of being very
protective of them.
When we’re working on a storyline you’ll often hear
someone protest, “Hey! Brian would never say a line like
that!” or “Bob wouldn’t let that last rule-call go so easily.
He’d pitch a fit.”
I’m proud of my creation and the fact that so many
people seem to think it’s a good thing. It will probably be a
long time before anyone lets me forget that I was originally
intent on putting the strip out to pasture.
Dear KODT,
You make me laugh so much. Thank you for reminding
me why I game. I forget sometimes. It’s not the dice, the
chips or even the games themselves. It’s the friends and the
excuse that gaming provides for hanging out with them.
Your strip really illustrates that lesson so well. Behind all
the bickering and arguments it’s obvious that the characters
are fast friends. I was curious. Who seems to be the most
popular character? My vote is for Bob.
Tanya Johnson
via E-mail
Bickering and agruments? In Knights of the Dinner
Table??? Your letter brings up a very good question,
Tanya. Who is the most popular character?
That’s kind of like asking a parent who his favorite child
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL
is. Despite all the quirks and obnoxious behavior
demonstrated by the characters of the strip, each of
them seems to have attracted their own following of
fans.
As far as which character has the largest following, I
can’t really say. Based on letters and email I would
have to say it’s a tie between Bob and Brian.
JRB
Dear KODT,
I thought I’d share an incident with you which
happened during a game I was involved with last
summer. I was playing a dwarven fighter named Smead
and our party had been busy cleaning out a rather large
and nasty dungeon which was located in a remote, ice-
locked region of the campaign world. The GM was
rather green and really botched the game pretty badly.
He described everything in game terms:
Player: I’m looking around the tavern. What do I see?
GM: You see a first-level fighter sitting at the bar. In the
corner is a fourth-level magic-user and a third-level
ranger.
Player: I’m looking at the fighter. Does he notice me?
GM: Yes. He sneers at you and says, “I have 9 hitpoints.
How many do you have?”
I’m not kidding. This DM also had a bad habit of
describing rooms in a dungeon in the following manner:
GM: There’s a locked chest in the corner of the room. It
contains a cursed dagger - minus one to hit/damage. 45
gold pieces. A scroll with a detect-magic spell on it and
fifty silver pieces. Oh, the lock on the chest has a needle
trap on it.
We sat this poor guy down and tried to explain to
him what he was doing wrong but he didn’t get it.
Finally, someone brought in an issue of Dragon# 236
(The one in which Bob runs a game of HackMaster).
The GM read it and laughed hysterically.
“That guy has to be the worst GM ever!!” he
commented. We all slapped our foreheads and
continued with the game.
Mark Trainer
via E-mail
hey hack-jockies!
got something to say?
send us your letters at:
KODT MAILBAG
1003 Monroe Pike
Marion, IN 46953.
or email us at
JollyRB@aol.com
Luck of the Macaw
THAT ENDS THE CAMPAIGN FOLKS!!! REMEMBER, NEXT WEEK I CAN’T WAIT TO UNFURL THE JOLLY ROGER
WE’RE GOING TO REVIVE OUR HACKBEARD, THE AGAIN! KICKIN’ THE BUTT OF A PORTUGUESE MAN-O-
RPG OF PIRACY ON THE HIGH-SEAS WAR IS ALMOST AS FUN AS STOMPIN’ ORCS!
CAMPAIGN. SO DON’T FORGET TO DIG OUT YOUR OLD
CHARACTER SHEETS AND PROPS. I WAS GOING OVER MY SOON WE’LL BE A-HOISTING THE
CHARACTER LAST SAILS ON THE OL’
NIGHT. I ALMOST HACKBETH!!! WE’VE BEEN
FORGOT HOW AWESOME THROUGH A LOT WITH THE OL’
SCURVY-JACK GIRL. NO FINER SHIP - NO SIREE!
WAS. THE MEANEST,
TOUGHEST, SEA-DOG TO JUST GIVE ME A TALL
EVER TILL A RUDDER IN SHIP AND A STAR TO
THE SPANISH MAIN!! GUIDE HER BY.

HEY LET’S NOT FORGET THAT DIRTY SCALLYWAG, JUST THE MENTION OF HIS NAME MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!! I’M LOOKING
BLACKDAWG BARTHOLEMEW IS FORWARD TO THE CHANCE TO LOCK SABRES HIM AND HIS MANGY CREW AGAIN!!
STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE!! AS CAPTAIN, I I LOST MY HAND TO HIS CABIN
WANT EVERYONE TO BONE UP ON THIER NAUTICAL ME TOO! HE BOY, BARNACLE-
SKILLS BEFORE NEXT WEEK. HUMILIATED US IN TIMMY!! I PLAN ON
OUR LAST MEETING! SETTLING THAT LITTLE SCORE.
THAT’S RIGHT! AND IF YOU
REMEMBER HE SWORE A
BLOOD-OATH THAT HE’D HAVE
ALL YOUR HEADS.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK AWH, MY MOM THREW OUT MY PIRATE HAT!! I TRIED TO GET A NEW ONE AT
LONGJOHN FISH AND CHIPS ON THE WAY TO THE GAME
OKAY, YOU NOT UNTIL THIS SORRY-EXCUSE FOR BUT YOU HAVE TO BUY THE DELUXE FUN MEAL TO GET ONE AND I ONLY HAD
GUYS ABOUT A CREW IS SEA-WORTHY!! OKAY, A BUCK FIFTY. SO I JUST MADE ONE OUT OF THE SPORTS SECTION.
READY TO NOW WHO CAN TELL ME HOW TO TIE
GET GOING? A SHEEP-SHANK KNOT? HEY BRIAN, WELL IT RUINS THE FORGET THE HAT!
BOB WHO’S YOUR OH YEAH?? WELL
WHAT’S WITH THE GOOFY HAT?? AMBIENCE OF THE GAME.
LITTLE FRIEND? YOU LOOK LIKE A
YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!
BOB, BEFORE YOU LEAVE, I FRY-COOK.
WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE AWWK!
GOOFY HAT!
TO MY MOM FOR CALLING GOOFY HAT!
HER A SERVING-WENCH!

4
 WHAT’S UP WITH THE PARAKEET?? SHE DOESN’T BITE DOES SHE?
IT’S NOT A PARAKEET YOU MAROON! IT’S MY
AUNT GELGA’S PARROT, HALF-PINT!
I BORROWED HIM FOR THE NIGHT.
THOSE ARE VERY
EXPENSIVE BIRDS. JUST
BE CAREFUL WITH IT.
ARR MATEYS!! IT’S ALL
WELL AND GOOD THAT WE
ACTUALLY, BOB, I THINK WHAT YOU HAVE
HAVE A NEW MASCOT FOR
THERE IS A BRAZILLIAN-RED
THE HACKBETH!!! BUT
MACAW. THEY’RE FAIRLY COMMON
THE TIDE BE GOING OUT
AND ARE KNOWN FOR THIER GENTILITY!
ME THINKS!! ARRR!!! LET’S
HEY IT TALKS!!! SHOVE OFF SHALL WE?
THAT’S PRETTY
KEWL DUDE.
MAROON!!
MAROON!!
AWK AWK!

OKAY, LAST TIME WE PLAYED YOU
WERE BOOZING IT UP AT
PIRATE’S HAVEN! A
DRUNKEN OLD SAILOR SOLD YOU A
MAP TO SOME BURIED TREASURE
IF YOU RECALL. IT’S ON AN ISLAND
CALLED FEAR. IT’S A FIVE DAY
TRIP FROM YOUR CURRENT...
THE TREASURE CAN WAIT. IT’S PROBABLY A FAKE MAP ANYWAY. I THINK WE’LL JUST SET
SAIL FOR DIABLO ATOLL! WE’LL BE LOOKING FOR FAT, LOW-RIDING MERCHANT
SHIPS ALONG THE WAY THAT WE CAN AMBUSH!
AHOY MATEYS!!! IT’S HUNTING TIME! REMEMBER THAT MAN-O-WAR?? I THINK THEY
SPANISH MAN-O-WAR WE BEAT INTO SUBMISSION THE WERE SIMPLE PILGRIMS DAVE.
LAST TIME WE PLAYED?? WE RULE!! NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT.
AWK! FRY COOK,
FRY COOK! AWK!

PILGRIMS?? GIVE ME A BREAK. SARA WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THEY WERE
LYING? IF THEY WERE INNOCENT PILGRIMS WHY WOULD THEY BE SO HEAVILY ARMED TO THE GILLS??? HUH?
THEY MUST HAVE THOUGHT WE WERE STUPID!! JUST AARR! WHO CARES? IT
I DON’T THINK TWO HUNTING
BECAUSE THEY THREW ON A COUPLE OF CHEAP ROBES, AND MATTERS NOT. WE KICKED
MUSKETS AND A FILET
DANGLED A FEW HOLY SYMBOLS AROUND THEIR NECKS THEY THIER BUTTS FROM NOON TO
KNIFE CONSTITUTES
THOUGHT WE’D BUY INTO THEIR COVER STORY. HA! DO YOU SUNRISE MATEYS AND WE
‘HEAVILY ARMED,’ DAVE.
REMEMBER HOW THEY FRANTICALLY WAVED THOSE WHITE DIDN’T TAKE A POINT OF
FLAGS WHEN WE WERE BROADSIDING THEM?? DAMAGE!!! AARRRR.
AWK!!
REMEMBER? WHITE
HOW CAN I FLAGS.
AWK!
FORGET?

5
TWO HOURS LATER...
MAN, THERE
YAWN. GUYS, FOR THE LAST TIME YOU DON’T REALLY SEEMS TO
FIND ANY MERCHANT SHIPS. YOU’RE RUNNING
BE A LULL IN
LOW ON FOOD AND WATER. IF YOU DON’T THESE SHIPPING
MAKE ANOTHER SUPPLY RUN SOON YOU’LL LANES.
HAVE TO ROLL ON THE SCURVY-TABLES
AGAIN. THIS TIME WITH A -5 MODIFIER
AWK, THIS
SUCKS,
AWK!
AN HOUR LATER
OKAY, BRIAN, YOU MANAGE TO
CUT THE TIE-DOWNS ON THE
DECK-CANNON AND TURN IT ON
THE CREW. THEY CHARGE YOU
YELLING, “DEATH TO THE
TYRANNTS” BUT THE CANNISTER
OF GRAPE-SHOT YOU BLAST INTO
THE MOB, MOWS THEM DOWN. IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE MANAGED TO
PUT DOWN ANOTHER MUTINY.
WELL, WE’D BETTER GO GET THAT FOOD AND WATER AND
RECRUIT A NEW CREW. THESE MUTINIES ARE REALLY
CUTTING INTO OUR
LOOTING-TIME. WE’VE
GOT TO FIND A WAY TO
RAISE MORALE SO WE
CAN GET SOME
POSITIVE MODIFIERS.
6
THIS SUCKS!! SIX WEEKS WE’VE BEEN LAYING IN AMBUSH
ALONG THESE REEFS EVERYTIME A SHIP COMES INTO
SIGHT IT TURNS-ABOUT AND HIGH TAILS IT.
WELL MAYBE PAINTING THE SHIP THAT’S THE
POINT SARA. WE
BLOOD RED AND RIGGING IT WITH
BLACK SAILS WASN’T SO SMART GUYS. WANT TO STRIKE
OUR SHIP KINDA SCREAMS OUT AT YA. FEAR IN THOSE
WE MEET.
WELL, I GUESS I’LL CLIMB UP THE MIZZENMAST AND CUT
BOB DOWN. I’LL MIX UP ANOTHER BATCH OF WHALE-OIL AND
LYE AND TRY TO GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS OFF OF HIM
BEFORE TREATING THOSE LASH MARKS.
THANKS SARA! I THOUGHT
I WAS A GONER THAT TIME. CAN SOMEBODY
LET’S ROUND UP THE LET ME OUT OF
SURVIVING CREW MEMBERS THE CARGO
AND ADMINISTER A LITTLE HOLD?
HIGH-SEAS JUSTICE!
AWK, AWK,
TAR AND
FEATHERS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MORALE IS GREAT. THE
CREW IS JUST FRUSTRATED BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T BEEN
ABLE TO FIND ANY SHIPS TO ATTACK!
YOU’RE TO0 LAX ON THEM SCURVY JACK! YOU
SPOIL THEM. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU CUT THEIR
WATER RATIONS - THEY WENT BEZERK!! NO DISCIPLINE.
WE’VE BEEN FEEDING HEY, THEY GET A STRIP
THEM OATS AND OF SALTED-PORK ON
WATER FOR SIX SUNDAY!! UNGRATEFUL
WEEKS! WRETCHES.
MANY HOURS LATER...
BOSUN, TACK 15
ALRIGHT FINE! A CREWMEMBER IN YES! WE’RE AYE, AYE SIR!! BATTON DEGREES TO THE AFT
THE CROW’S NEST REPORTS HE HAS RICH! HOIST THE DOWN THE HATCHES! LEEWARD PORT!
SPOTTED A SHIP ON THE HORIZON JOLLY ROGER AND RAISE PREPARE TO LET’S HOPE THIS WIND
HEADING YOUR WAY. IT SEEMS TO BE A THE MIZZANNMAST!! JIBE!! STAYS AT OUR BACKS!!
MERCHANT TYPE VESSEL AND RIDES POWDER AND LOAD THE
LOW IN THE WATER. MAIN BATTERY!!

AWK,
PREPARE
TO JIBE.

YOU’RE MAKING INCREDIBLY GOOD SPEED!! THERE’S A GOOD STRONG WIND PUSHING FIRST MATE JUANITA!!! ORDER THE
YOU ALONG. YOU QUICKLY CLOSE THE DISTANCE ON THE OTHER SHIP. YOUR CREW TO THROW GRAPPLING HOOKS!!
VOLLEYS OF GRAPESHOT ARE REALLY HAMMERING THE ENEMY PREPARE TO BOARD!!!
SHIP’S SAILS AND RIGGINGS. THEY’VE YET TO RETURN FIRE, HOWEVER. YOU NOTICE
THEY ARE WAVING A WHITE FLAG. AYE SIR!!
PREPARING THE GANG-
HO HO!!! SO THEY FIND THE TASTE OF SCURVY JACK’S HOOKS AWAY!!
PLANKS FOR
PASSION FOR BATTLE A BITTER BREW EH??? DEPLOYMENT!!!
JUST WAIT TIL WE CLOSE FOR BOARDING.
AWK,
PREPARE
TO BOARD.

SECONDS LATER... GEEZE- YOU KNOW THE RULEBOOK

LOUIEEZE!! MENTIONS THAT PARROTS WERE
INCREDIBLE ROLLS BOB!!! YOU SUCCEED IN DOING A CONSIDERED GOOD LUCK!!! MAYBE
I’VE NEVER SEEN
DOUBLE SUMMERSAULT FROM THE HACKBETH’S RIGGING. GRABBING A IT’S THE LUCK OF THE
SUCH LUCK!!! BOB’S
ROPE YOU SWING WITH INCREDIBLE SKILL AND GRACE OVER ONTO MACAW!
REALLY ON A ROLL.
THE OTHER SHIP WHERE YOU LAND DEFTLY ON THE DECK.
I DUNNO. THESE GUYS
I’M FIRING A MUSKET WITH MY LEFT HAND AND SWINGING DON’T SEEM TO REALLY
MY SABRE WITH MY RIGHT HAND. YES!!! I ROLLED WANT TO FIGHT THOUGH.
TWO MORE NATURAL TWENTIES!!!!
LUCK OF
THE
MACAW!
AWK.

7
BOB YOU KILL THREE SAILORS WITH A SINGLE HEY YOU DIRTY SCALLYWAG!! LEAVE SOME KILLING
SHOT FROM YOUR MUSKET. THEY GO DOWN LIKE FOR THE CREW. WE DON’T WANT ANOTHER MUTINY ON OUR HANDS.
DOMINOES. YOU ALSO MANAGE TO KILL TWO MORE
WITH SABRE-BLOWS. FIVE CRITICAL HITS IN A
HEY BOB, I’M HANDING DOWN
ROW??? WOW, BOB!! I DIDN’T
MY TEN-SIDER. RUB IT ON THE
KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
YES!!! YES!! IT’S BIRD’S TAIL FEATHERS. MAYBE
GREAT JOB!!!
THE LUCK OF THE SOME LUCK WILL RUB OFF.
MACAW!!! I’M AWK. AWK
DIRTY
UNSTOPPABLE!! SCALLYWAG!
AWK.

THE REST OF THE ENEMY CREW ARE SO HORRIFIED BY BOB’S TERRIFYING DEMONSTRATION OF
BLOOD-LETTING THAT THEY CHOOSE TO JUMP OVERBOARD. THEY’D RATHER TAKE THEIR CHANCES IN
THE CHOPPY, SHARK-INFESTED WATERS, RATHER THAN FACE BOB’S WRATH!!!

YOU HEAR THAT??? SCURVY JACK DAMN!! I DIDN’T WELL NOTHING FOR THE REST OF
JUST TOOK THE SHIP SINGLE-HANDEDLY!! EVEN GET TO ROLL US TO DO BUT SEARCH THE CARGO-
THEY’LL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS AT FOR A TO-HIT. HOLDS. WHAT DO WE FIND B.A.??
PIRATE’S HAVEN FOR YEARS TO COME.
AWK.
GOOFY HAT!
GOOFY HAT!

OKAY YOU LOOK IN THE HOLDS AND SORRY GUYS! NOTHING BUT TROPICAL FRUITS!!! YOU SIMPLY STUMBLED
FIND THE HOLDS ARE ACROSS A COLONIAL SUPPLY SHIP TAKING GOODS TO PORT.
COMPLETELY FULL!!! YEAH, REAL
YOU FIND HUNDREDS OF CRATES FUNNY!! WHAT’S THAT EXPLAINS THE LACK OF FIGHTING SPIRIT IN THE CREW.
AND BASKETS FILLED WITH REALLY IN THE NOBODY WANTS TO DIE FOR A BUNCH OF BANANAS.
BANANAS, COCONUTS, HOLD?? GOLD?
JEWELS??
PAPAYAS?? IS FRUIT??? WHAT THE
PAPAYAS AND THAT A KIND OF HELL IS THEIR ANGLE??
GRAPEFRUIT!!! (SNICKER) SPANISH SILVER??
GEMSTONE??

SPANISH
SILVER!
SPANISH
SILVER!

8
 I THINK I’M ON TO THEIR COCONUTS HELL!! OH, GOOD THINKING DAVE. WE WOULDN’T
LITTLE GAME. THEY’VE OBIVIOUSLY I’M LOADING UP THESE WANT ANY OF THOSE VALUABLE PAPAYAS
HIDDEN THEIR BOOTY INSIDE THE FRUIT. I’M GOING PAPAYAS AND GETTING PILFERED BY THE CREW. (SIGH)
TO START PEELING BANANAS. DAVE, TRANSFERRING THEM TO
WHY DON’T YOU START ON THE COCONUTS?? OUR TREASURY.
WELL, I GUESS I’LL START PEELING
GRAPEFRUIT. MAYBE THEY HID
YOU’RE GOING THEIR DIAMONDS IN THEM.
TO PEEL 25
TONS OF AWK. FRY
COOK!
BANANAS???? GOOFY
HAT!

TWO HOURS LATER... THIS SUCKS!!! I DON’T THINK B.A. PUT MUCH EFFORT
INTO THIS ADVENTURE. LIKE THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO
OKAY THAT FINISHES OFF THE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! DO THAN HAUL SOME STUPID FRUIT AROUND.
LAST CRATE OF BANANAS BOB NOTHING????
- YOU FOUND ZIP!!! WHAT A GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULD
DAVE, YOU MANAGED TO ARE YOU CRAZY???
PATHETIC PULL OUT THAT
TRANSFER THE LAST WITH ALL THIS FOOD WE CAN
EXCUSE THESE TREASURE MAP WE
BASKET OF SIT OUT HERE FOR MONTHS
GUYS WERE FOR FOUND AND CHECK IT OUT.
PAPAYA’S TO THE LOOKING FOR SHIPS TO AMBUSH.
MERCHANTS.
HACKBETH.

TO BE CONTINUED...
COME HANG
OUT WITH US
ON THE
HEY HACK-JOCKIES!!!! GREAT
INFORMATION
VISIT OUR WEBSITE!!! HIGHWAY!!
HTTP://MEMBERS.AOL.COM/RELKIN/KENZERCO.HTML
If you’re on AOL, check out the
Knights of the Dinner Table Forum.
(go keyword GCS. Click on Publications and
then enter the KODT Folder)

9
Can We Talk? Story suggested by bob bretall

OKAY GUYS, YOU ARE MOVING THROUGH THE CAVERNS OF ETERNAL YEAH THAT WAS EDMUND FINLEY’S FIRST
PERIL! YOU NEED TO FIND OUT WHERE THE EVIL DEATH-WEAVER’S FREELANCE ADVENTURE FOR GARY
HIDDEN LAIR IS, SNEAK IN, FIND THE CRYSTAL HEART OF JACKSON. IT WAS A VERY WEAK
EVERDREAD AND RETREIVE IT. IT IS RUMORED THAT ONLY THE FEEBLE- OFFERING FOR THE MODULE-B SERIES.
MINDED GOBLIN, ROOFUS KNOWS THE SECRET ENTRANCE INTO THE LAIR.
EDMUND GOOFED ON THAT
WELL LOOKS LIKE A STANDARD IN- YEAH SOUNDS SIMILIAR TO MODULE
ONE. THE MAJOR VILLIAN
OUT DUNGEON CRAWL B66, CAVES OF TREACHERY.
WAS SORELY UNDER-
WITH THE USUAL PUZZLES AND POWERED. HARDLY A
QUEST-ITEM TRAPPINGS. CHALLENGE. (YAWN).

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! WILL YOU I READY MY UNSHEATHING MY

GUYS PLEASE GIVE THIS MODULE A CHANCE? HUH?? CROSSBOW OF HACKMASTER +12!!!
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MODULE B6. SLAYING!!! READY TO RUMBLE HERE!!

OKAY, AS YOU ARE I GOT A COUPLE OF

MOVING ALONG YOU OKAY, AS IT MOVES MAXIMUS-
DETECT A SHADOWY CLOSER YOU SEE IT IS FIREBALLS
FIGURE AROUND THE A GOBLIN. HE IS COMING ON LINE GUYS.
NEXT BEND IN THE SEVERELY WOUNDED
PASSAGE!! AND WEARING A UH....GUYS,...
BLOODY T-SHIRT THAT
SAYS ROOFUS!!

I PEPPER THE
ROOFUS WAVES AND... BASTARD WITH
I’M MAKING A WA...WA...WHAT?????
CALLED SHOT TO
A VOLLEY OF DECAPITATE
CROSSBOW HIM!!
BOLTS!!! HOOOO-
LETTIN’ LOSE TWIN FIREBALLS!!
FRY-BABY-FRY!!!
AAAAAHHH!!!

10
 TOO BAD MY LITTLE
TRIGGER-HAPPY
WISE-GUYS!!
ROOFUS IS DEAD AND WITH
HIM YOUR CHANCES OF EVER FINDING
THE DEATH-WEAVER’S
SECRET LAIR!
NO FAIR!!! GOOD JOB GUYS!!!
THAT WAS A
DIRTY TRICK!! WAIT A MINUTE. ACCORDING TO PAGE
253, PARAGRAPH 4 OF THE HACKMASTER
YEAH!!! I FELT RULES THERE IS A NEW CLERICAL
THREATENED!!! ABILITY FOR SPEAKING WITH THE DEAD.
I THINK THAT MEANS SARA COULD
CONVERSE WITH OL’ ROOFUS.

OH, ALL RIGHT. SARA CAN OKAY, NOW REMEMBER

ATTEMPT TO CAST THE YOU ONLY GET ONE
COME ON I WONDER WHO OL’ QUESTION.
SPELL BUT THE RULES ROOFUS WAS RUNNING YES!!! GAWD YES!!! I
SAY THERE IS ONLY A ONE SARA!!!
YOU CAN AWAY FROM? ROLLED DOUBLE-ZEROES!!! THE GOOD POINT! LET’S
PERCENT CHANCE OF
SUCCESS. SO GO FOR IT!! DO IT!! SPELL WORKS!!!! PHRASE THE
QUESTION VERY
CAREFULLY.

A CLOUD OF BLUE SMOKE YOU GUYS NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

APPEARS BEFORE THE PARTY.
SUDDENLY THE GHOST OF
ROOFUS IS STANDING BEFORE YOU.
“ASK YOUR
QUESTION SO I
MAY HAVE PEACE!”
HEY ROOFUS!!
KILLED ME YOU DAVE WHO’S SIDE ARE YOU ON
HEY ROOFUS-DUDE!!! IDIOT!!! SORRY THAT ANYWAY!!
YOU WERE ALL WAS YOUR ONE QUESTION.
BEAT UP!! POOF!!
DON’T GIVE B.A. ANY IDEAS. A
HOW DID YOU DIE?? FEW DAVE-MONSTERS IN THE
DUNGEON WOULD REALLY
UNBALANCE THE GAME.

11
Wherever You Go - There You Are
OK, YOU’VE JUST ENTERED I’M SICK OF HEY, YOU HAFTA MAP, DUDE! I’M SURE NOT GOING TO BE
THE NON- MAPPING! I MAP YOU’RE THE PARTY THIEF. THE MAP-MONKEY!
EUCLIDIAN EVERY WEEK AND I’M THIEVES MAKE THE AND I’M NOT GIVING UP
LABYRINTH OF BURNT. I WANNA KEEP BEST MAPPERS. TRACKING TREASURE EITHER.
WRAITH-LORD, MONFYR! TRACK OF TREASURE AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
BETTER GET OUT SOME EXPERIENCE FOR A
EXTRA GRAPH PAPER BOB, CHANGE. LET SOMEONE I ENJOY MAPPING! I DON’T
THIS IS A REALLY ELSE MAP TONIGHT. MIND DOING IT BOB!
COMPLEX
LAYOUT!

NO OFFENSE SARA BUT YOU TAKE COME ON BRIAN, GIVE UP THE NO WAY! LAST TIME SOMEONE ELSE KEPT
WAY TOO MUCH TIME MAPPING. TREASURE LIST SO YOU CAN TRACK OF THE TREASURE WE GOT
BESIDES YOU DIDN’T BRING YOUR START MAPPING! YOU’RE SCREWED BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T
FRENCH CURVE OR YOUR T-SQUARE. HOLDING UP THE GAME. ACCURATELY LIST EVERYTHING WE FOUND.

COME ON DAVE. BE THE THE HELL WITH I’M AN EXCELLENT MAPPER! I KNOW ALL
FOR CRYING
MAP-MASTER TONIGHT!! MAPPING! I HAVE 64 OFFICIAL HACKMASTER MAP SYMBOLS
OUT LOUD
I’M TELLING YA I CAN’T DO A KEEN SENSE OF AND STANDARD ELEMENTS FROM MEMORY!
GUYS, PICK
SOMEONE TO MAP AND IT ANYMORE. I HAVE DIRECTION AND RECALL.
LITTLE BLUE GRID WE WON’T GET LOST. THAT’S GREAT SARA. ACTUALLY
LET’S GET ON WITH
SQUARES PERMANENTLY THERE ARE 65 OFFICIAL SYMBOLS.
THE GAME. THIS IS
BURNED INTO MY RETINAS. COLD CAMPSITE WAS
RIDICULOUS!
ADDED IN THE 3RD EDITION.

12
 WE WERE DOING JUST AND BRIAN WAS PAYING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I HAD TIME TO LEARN
OH NO! DON’T EVEN FINE MAPPING BY MEMORY
SUGGEST GOING IN WITH- THE PIZZA DUDE WHEN THREE NEW LANGUAGES WHILE I WAITED
UNTIL WE ASKED WE TOOK THAT LEFT FOR YOU TO EMERGE FROM THE FOREST.
OUT MAPPING. I TOLD DIRECTIONS FROM THAT
YOU THIS WAS A TURN AT THE FORK IN
BLIND ORC AT THAT I STILL SUSPECT THERE WERE
PARTICULARLY THE ROAD. SO WE
ROADSIDE STAND. IT WAS SOME TELEPORT TRAPS ON THAT
COMPLEX AREA. YOU ENDED UP WITH TWO
HIS WHACKED-DIRECTIONS ROAD. REMEMBER HOW TIME
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FOREST CITADEL MENTAL MAPS.
SEEMED TO FLY BETWEEN MILE
THE LAST TIME YOU THAT GOT US LOST. MARKER 64 AND 65?
FAILED TO MAP
PROPERLY?

DAVE, YOU BETTER MAP. IF WE DON’T AT MAN, I’M TELLIN YA I DON’T LIKE WELL YOU CAN USE MY
LEAST GO THROUGH A TOKEN=EFFORT AT BEING THE MAP-MONKEY. THE TOXIC- CONSIDER IT A NO.2 GAMES PIT PENCIL.
MAPPING B.A. IS GOING TO START THROWING FUMES FROM THE BLACK MARKER RECREATIONAL- BUT I WANT IT BACK! AND
GRUDGE-MONSTERS AT US TO MAKES ME GOOFY! REMEMBER WHEN HAZARD DAVE. IF THE LEAD BREAKS
PROVE HIS POINT. GOES WITH THE DON’T TRY TO SHARPEN IT
I THOUGHT YOUR TEN-SIDER WAS A GAME.
SPIDER AND TRIED TO SQUASH IT? YOURSELF. I HAVE A
DARN IT BOB, I DON’T USE SPECIAL WAY OF DOIN’ IT.
GRUDGE-MONSTERS. MY ADVENTURES PEN-FUMES, DUDE!!
ARE METICULOUSLY PREPARED AND
CHECKED FOR GAME-BALANCE.

LATER THAT NIGHT...
OKAY, AS YOU ARE MOVING DOWN
THE CORRIDOR YOU HEAR A LOUD-
CLICK. THE FLOOR BENEATH YOU
SUDDENLY GIVES WAY AND THE
ENTIRE PARTY PLUNGES INTO A TEN-
FOOT PIT. EVERYONE TAKES 10
POINTS OF DAMAGE FROM THE FALL
AND AN ADDITIONAL 30 POINTS
FROM SPIKE DAMAGE.
WOOAAAHHHH!! DAVE, MAKE SURE YOU MARK THAT PIT ON THE MAP. WE MIGHT
THAT’S THE THIRD PIT HAVE TO COME OUT THE WAY WE WENT IN.
WE’VE FALLEN INTO.
THIS PLACE IS A
HMMMM....DID WE MAKE A ANOTHER PIT??? GREAT!!
DEATH-TRAP. WE’RE
RIGHT OR A LEFT AT THAT WE JUST LOST THREE
GOING TO BE
LAST INTERSECTION? MORE VIALS OF HEALING
CONSTANTLY CHECKING
POTION FROM THE FALL.
FOR TRAPS.

13
 SARA, YOU TAKE AN
ADDITIONAL 12 POINTS OF DAMN IT!! I KNEW I
DAMAGE WHEN DAVE’S SHOULDN’T HAVE LET YOU GUYS
COW LANDS ON YOU. TALK ME INTO BRINGING
SORRY. CHELSIE INTO THE DUNGEON.
WE NEEDED A
PACK MULE
DUDE.
YOU SEE A LOT OF BROKEN
B.A., BEFORE WE GLASS, SOME FRESH BLOOD AND
CLIMB OUT OF THIS BITS OF DEBRIS. LOOKS LIKE
PIT I’M EXAMINING IT. SOMEONE ELSE HAS RECENTLY
WHAT DO I SEE? FALLEN INTO THE PIT.
SOMEONE ELSE??
LOOKS LIKE WE’RE NOT THE ONLY
ONES SEEKING THE DARK
ORB OF MONFYR!!

A LITTLE LATER....
OKAY, AS YOU PROCEED NORTH THE
FLOOR SUDDENLY DROPS OUT FROM
BENEATH YOU. YOU’VE FALLEN INTO
ANOTHER 10 FOOT PIT. YOU LAND ON
THE JAGGED SPIKES IN THE BOTTOM OF
THE PIT. ROLL FOR DAMAGE! DAVE,
YOUR COW SEEMED TO SENSE THERE
WAS A TRAP AHEAD AND PULLED
AWAY AT THE LAST MOMENT.
CRIPES THERE THANK HEAVENS CHELSIE DIDN’T FALL IN A PIT AGAIN. IT’S
SURE ARE A LOT ALMOST AS IF SHE KNEW THERE WAS A TRAP HERE.
OF STUPID PITS IN
THIS LABRYNTH.
I CAN’T AFFORD I KNOW YOU’RE ATTACHED TO
DAVE, I THINK YOUR COW
ANY MORE HER DAVE BUT I’M A LITTLE
MAY HAVE FINALLY
DAMAGE! UPSET YOU GAVE HER THE
DEMONSTRATED WHAT ONE
LAST VIAL OF HEALING POTION.
OF IT’S SECRET POWERS
ARE - DETECT-TRAPS.

LATER STILL... DAVE ARE YOU GETTING THIS

THIS FOR CRYING OUT
ALL MARKED DOWN ON THE LOUD!! MONFYR WENT
ONCE AGAIN YOU LAND IN A SUCKS!!! MAP? DAVE??
BLOODY HEAP AT THE BOTTOM WE’RE SPENDING FREAKIN-BANANAS
OF A TEN FOOT PIT WITH ALL OUR TIME WITH THE PITS IN THIS
UH...UH....HMMMM. LABYRINTH!!
SPIKES. THE FLOOR OF THE PIT FALLING IN THESE WHERE THE HELL
IS COVERED WITH FRESH BLOOD STUPID PITS. ARE WE??
AND BROKEN GLASS.

14
TWENTY MINUTES LATER... DAVE DID
YOU INDICATE THAT HMMMM....I
I’M TELLING YOU, PRODDING THE COW TO MOVE OUT AHEAD OF THE GROUP WONDER WHAT IN THE
ISN’T WORKING. SHE’S REALLY GETTING UPSET. IF YOU WANT CHELSIE TO LAST TURN ON THE
MAP? AND I DON’T WORLD SHE’S AFRAID OF?
PROCEED DOWN THE CORRIDOR YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO PUSH HER. SHE HANDLED HERSELF
THINK I SEE THE
THAT’S IT! I’M PUTTIN’ SPIKED-PIT SYMBOL PRETTY GOOD AGAINST
UH HUH!! YOU HER BACK IN MY BAG OF HOLDING. FOR THAT LAST THOSE RAVENOUS-RATS.
HEAR THAT? THE COW OH, AND I’M BEING EXTRA CAREFUL
DOESN’T WANT TO GO AGAINST ANOTHER HEAD-BUTT.
DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

OKAY, AS YOU PROCEED NORTH THE FLOOR SUDDENLY DAVE YOU DIDN’T MAP THAT
DROPS WAY. DOWN YOU FALL INTO A 10 FOOT PIT WITH LAST HALLWAY. (SIGH). UH...B.A.,
JAGGED SPIKES SET IN THE BOTTOM. ROLL FOR DAMAGE. NORTH?? I’M SCRATCHING MY INITIALS ON
WEREN’T WE MAYBE THE
YOU NOTICE THAT THE FLOOR OF THIS PIT IS SPATTERED THE WALL OF THE PIT.
MOVING EAST?? COW WAS
WITH FRESH BLOOD, BITS OF BROKEN ARMOR AND
TRYING TO
EQUIPMENT, ETC. BLOODY HAND AND FOOT PRINTS COVER
TELL US
THE SIDE OF THE PIT WHERE APPARENTLY SEVERAL
SOMETHING.
PEOPLE CRAWLED THEIR WAY OUT.
THOSE
MYSTERIOUS
TRACKS AGAIN!
AND FRESH
BLOOD TOO?

MOMENTS LATER... YES SARA. YOU FIND YOUR INITIALS EXACTLY

OKAY, AS YOU PROCEED NORTH THE WHERE YOU SCRATCHED THEM INTO THE STONE.
FLOOR SUDDENLY DROPS OUT FROM I’M LOOKING FOR MY INITIALS FERKIN DING
BENEATH YOU. YOU’VE FALLEN INTO I KNEW IT!!! BLAST!!! THE
ON THE WALL OF THE PIT,
YET ANOTHER 10 FOOT PIT... DAVE LET ME SEE SAME DAMN
B.A. DO I FIND THEM?
THAT MAP. PIT??? WE’VE BEEN
WELL THAT SHOULD IS THAT A WINDOW FALLING INTO THE SAME
JUST ABOUT FINISH OR A DOOR? DAMN PIT???
OFF MY CHARACTER.
SHEESH!!

15
 DAVE’S MAP LOOK AT THIS CRAP!!! HE’S GOT
HIS COMPASS
POINTS ALL SCREWED UP.

WHY THE HELL DID HE USE

FIVE DIFFERENT
SHEETS OF PAPER TO DRAW
THE MAP ON??

ARE YOU SURE WE’RE NOT MISSING

ONE?? I DON’T SEE ANY OF THE
ROOMS WE FOUND INDICATED ON
THE MAP.

DUDE, DON’T TAKE THIS THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WE MIGHT BUY THAT
PERSONAL, BUT YOUR EXCUSE IF IT WEREN’T SHORT-HAND??? THERE ARE NO
WITH MY MAP. YOU JUST REFERENCES TO SHORT-HAND
MAPPING CAN’T READ IT BECAUSE FOR THE FACT WE’VE
SKILLS SUCK!!! BEEN TRAVELING IN MAPPING TECHNIQUES IN
I’VE WRITTEN IT IN THE HACKMASTER BOOKS MISTER. PULL A
SHORT-HAND. CIRCLES FOR THE
LAST FOUR HOURS. STUNT LIKE THIS AGAIN AND I’LL BE
TEACHING YOU HOW TO READ
KNUCKLES.

NEXT WEEK... THAT WAS THE JUST KEEP TAKING THE

FOR CRYING OUT
LAST OF THE LOUD! THIS IS POINT, PIT BOY!!!
OKAY SARA, THIS CORRIDOR IS SURVEY MARKERS TAKING SOOOOOO WE’RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
EXACTLY 9.75 FEET WIDE AND 11 SARA. YOU WANT I LONG TO MAP.
FEET THREE INCHES IN HEIGHT. DOES SHOULD BREAK CAN’T WE JUST
THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTIO? OH, OPEN A NEW HAS ANYONE SEEN
GET GOING?
AND THE FLOOR RISES 3/4 OF AN BUNDLE?? MY COMPASS?
INCH EVERY 15 FEET.

16
Silver Things Upon His Chest
I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO TONIGHT’S GAME.
THINGS ARE REALLY HEATING UP. LAST WEEK, AS GAMER ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS WHICH I’M PROPOSING TO
YOU REMEMBER, WE WERE....UH....HMMMMMM.
BRIAN? WHAT ARE THOSE SHINEY
THINGS ON YOUR SHIRT??
HE LOOKS LIKE ADMIRAL
DEWEY SITTING DOWN THERE.
THEY ARE MOCK-UPS OF THE MEDALS I DESIGNED FOR USE WITH MY
THE GARY JACKSON ACADEMY OF ROLE-
PLAYING NEXT MONTH.
HOW INTERESTING.
THE BIG GUY HAS FINALLY THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF THEM.
GONE OFF THE DEEP END.

THEY ARE DESIGNED TO BE WORN BENEATH CONVENTION SO WHAT’S OH, THAT’S A HEROIC SPELL-CAST
NAME TAGS AND AT OTHER FORMAL GAMING EVENTS. THE LITTLE MEDAL. IT’S AWARDED FOR SAVING ONE OR MORE
EACH MEDAL HAS A UNIQUE COLOR AND PATTERN YELLOW MEMBERS OF THE PARTY BY CASTING A SPELL
WHICH INDICATES WHAT TYPE OF MEDAL IT IS. RIBBON WITH WHILE UNDER FIRE.
THE SILVER AND THE BLUE
BRAID FOR? ONE WITH THE THAT’S A FAITHFUL-
STAR? ADHERENCE TO
ALIGNMENT BADGE.

HEY WHAT’S THE EXPERT MARKMANSHIP BADGE

MOST WITH A FIREBALL OR MAGIC MISSILE SPELL.
GREEN ONE WITH
VAULABLE IT’S NOT THE LURE OF
RED STRIPES
PLAYER ACCLAIM AND RECOGNITION
FOR? THAT ONE’S HOW ABOUT THE
AWARD IN A THAT BRINGS ME TO THE I DON’T KNOW YET. BUT IT
KINDA PRETTY. TABLE. I JUST WANT TO KILL METALIC GOLD
SINGLE SESSION. WILL HAVE TO BE A PRETTY
THINGS!! UH.....WHAT’S THE RIBBON?? SPECIAL ONE. THEY COST
PURPLE ONE FOR? TWO BUCKS TO MAKE.

17
 UH...WELL... I ADMIRE WOW! LOOK AT ALL THOSE I HADN’T THOUGHT WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU WON OVER BOB
THE EFFORT AND MEDALS. IT WOULD BE NICE OF THAT. MAN, I AND DAVE ON YOUR IDEA. MAYBE IT WILL
DEDICATION IT MUST TO WEAR THEM AT A CON. YOU BET THE CHICKS CATCH ON AFTER ALL. GOOD LUCK BRIAN.
HAVE TAKEN TO MAKE KNOW - IT WOULD HELP US WOULD REALLY GO
ALL THOSE MEDALS DIE-HARD GAMERS STAND OUT NUTS OVER A GUY
BRIAN. I WISH YOU LUCK FROM THE GEEKS WHO DON’T WITH A SHIRT WHEN YOU HAVE A CAUSE AND THE
WITH YOUR PROPOSAL TAKE THE GAME AS SERIOUSLY FULL OF MEDALS STRENGTH OF RESOLVE TO SEE IT
BUT WE SHOULD BE AS WE DO. TOO, HUH? THROUGH, YOU DON’T NEED LUCK, SARA.
GETTING BACK TO THE
GAME.

NEXT WEEK... ...WELL THE SHOULDER
BOARDS INDICATE THAT I’M A
TWELVE-YEAR ROLE-
FOR CRYING PLAYING VETERAN.
OUT LOUD!! IT THE CHROMIUM-BLUE RIBBON
LOOKS LIKE A WITH THE OAK-LEAF CLUSTER
CONVENTION FOR IS FOR MOST
THIRD-WORLD AWESOME
DICTATORS IN HERE. CHARACTER DEATH.
KEWL!! THOSE SHOULDER- OH NO. YOU GUYS ARE GIVING
BOARDS RULE DUDE. MY YOURSELVES MEDALS FOR
ORANGE RIBBON WITH THE HACK-N-SLASH
GOLD-BRAID BORDER IS FOR ANTICS?? (MOOAAANN)
MOST DAMAGE
DEALT OUT IN A HEY GUYS GIVE ME A LIST OF
SINGLE-BLOW YOUR MEDALS SO I CAN GET
THEM ON THE SANCTIONED LIST.

UH....VERY MOST DAMAGE DEALT DO YOU REALIZE THE EVIL YOU’VE

OUT IN A SINGLE BLOW?? AAHH, YOU UNLEASHED UPON US ALL??? OUR FUTURE
NICE GUYS.
OH YES, THE INFAMOUS REMEMBER. THERE I CONS WILL CONSIST OF LITTLE MORE THAN GROUPS OF
VERY NICE.
PEBBLE-CASTLE AFFAIR. WAS TOE-TO-TOE GAMERS STANDING AROUND EXPLAINING WHAT ALL THEIR
UH...CAN WE
GET ON WITH WE WERE ALL LUCKY TO WITH LORD VECNAR. MEDALS ARE FOR.
LIVE THROUGH THAT NOTHING BUT MY
THE GAME?? YEAH! ISN’T
ADVENTURE. HACKMASTER +12
AND.... IT GREAT???

18
 TALES FROM THE TABLE
A
few nights ago Brian was over at the house and I noticed he had a distant look in his eye. We talk about
role-playing (with the latest Hackmaster supplement, JabberHockey being the main topic of conversation)
and I pitched Brian on my Designer Dice idea and how my it would be a great accessory for his Dice Bag
Buddies concept. He seemed leery of my offer to collaborate so I backed off. We talked about the current campaign
I was running; how somebody lifted is lucky ten-sider last week; that it seemed cold for this time of the year, etc.
Rather, I should say I was talking about all those things. For the most part Brian stared at the Pulp Fiction movie
poster on the wall and muttered, “uh huh” and “yeah” whenever I paused or there was a moment of silence. The big
guy was turning something over in his head. He seemed as though the world was on his shoulders and that he was
about to make a very difficult decision. Now mind you, Brian is a very hard person to read. Let me give you some
background on Brian before continuing on with this tale.
If I had to summarize Brian in as few words as possible I’d have to say, “Eeyore the Mule” from Winnie the
Pooh. Put that image in your head and I’d say you’d be able to pick Brian from out of a crowd of fellow gamers at
any convention. He’s the kind of guy who becomes invisible when a gathering of people surpasses his comfort level
of five. A small group, say the typical role-playing group is the perfect environment for him. Throwing a girl in the
mix, like Sara involves a whole different layer of complexities to deal with. We’ll ignore that for the time being but
ask me about it someday.
Brian’s famous for some peculiar quirks. He has a temper that has to be seen to be believed. He’s slow to rile.
Things that would cause most people to starting flailing their fists roll off his huge shoulders like twenty-siders.
Things that most of us would take in stride, however, cause him to go berserk.
Dice-pilfering, for example, is the biggest button you can push on the big guy. His eagle eye and that Spock-like
computer in his brain-pan keep constant vigil over his pile of dice throughout the evening. Once while he was
distracted paying the pizza-dude, Bob hid one of Brian’s four-siders and a bet was placed with those of us at the
table as to how long it would take for him to notice. I think we were all floored with disbelief when Brian walked
back in the room carrying the pizza saying, “Okay, Dave you still owe me 3.50 for the pizza. Jolly, the cat got out
while I was paying the guy. And.....alright, where’s my 4-sider?”
The other thing Brian is famous for is table-flipping. For a long time he was making weekly payments to my
mom on a new kitchen table to replace the one Brian trashed. That little fit-of-rage was erupted when Brian’s
character, Teflon Billy bought a pair of cursed boots from Bob’s character. After he laced them up his began
singing, “I’m a little tea-cup, short and stout” and then inexplicably ran off a cliff to his death. Brian was motionless
as he attempted to stare me down behind my GM’s screen.
“Well?” he finally murmured, “Do I get a saving throw?”
I unwisely replied, “Yeah you can roll to see if your head detaches from your body on impact and bounces”
Scratch one dining room table and a pair of glasses - Brian went berzerk.
In the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen the slightest hint of a smile on Brian’s face. He does laugh
occasionally, but it’s a deep guttural “har, har” that suggests evil intent or reminds one of the gloating of a pirate
who has just prodded you off the plank into the maw of a Great White. He only laughs when he’s fired off a joke,
lobbed a fireball into an approaching group of surrendering orcs or when he’s pointed out a Game Master’s failure
to grasp the rules. (In my campaign Brian frequently challenged my calls with, “You’re wrong GameMeister and let
me TELL you why!”).
Other than that, Brian is content to show up every Thursday, rulebooks in one hand, dice bag hanging from his
belt proudly as if it were a pouch of spanish dubloons. He takes his seat, strategically places a tasty beverage to his
left and his ‘Main Battle Line” of carefully hand-picked dice to his right. Rounding out his arsenal is a golden rod
tablet. (“The yellow paper looks like parchment!” he explains.), three number 2 ‘Weird Pete’s Games Pit pencils’
and of course his character sheet.
Oh, and I should mention Brian never arrives at a game without “The Briefcase” which is famous in Muncie,
Indiana gaming circles. It’s a large, worn and tattered thing looking more like a Fuller Brushman’s sales kit than a
briefcase. It’s huge. Brian picked it up at a Military surplus store though nothing about it suggests it every wore the
uniform. On one end there is a Pakistani Customs Clearance label showing that some guy named, Donald Clarke of
Chapel Hill, North Carolina, apparently was carrying the case when he passed through that country on June 3, 1956.
In this case Brian has managed to store everything a gamer would ever need at the table. Spare dice, change for
the vending machine, pencil sharpener, Character sheet archive, the last six issues of his favorite gaming magazines.
(Including copies of Blue Blood with book marks referencing the ‘Vampire chicks in Latex’ photos he likes to pull
out to make Bob blush.)
Most importantly, Brian carries the entire set of Hackmaster rulebooks, supplements and tables with which he
can lend support to his challenges on game calls. He keeps the combination for the lock secret and to my knowledge
no living gamer has ever seen the inside of that case. When Brian has to retrieve something, he places it on his lap
and opens it just wide enough to shield his face as he retrieves the desired item.
Over the years the rest of us have taken the opportunity to try our best guesses at the combination while Brian is
paying the pizza dude.
We never succeeded. We all groaned in utter disbelief when, as a group, we went to see Pulp Fiction. Remember
the scene where John Travolta pulls that mystery briefcase from the kitchen cabinet. Spotting the combination lock
he thinks for a second, half smiles and flips the dials to 666 and click. As he opened the case we heard Brian mutter
under his breath, “Damn, I guess I’ll have to change my combination now.” (It would be interesting to do a survey as to how
many people actually use 666 on their combo locks.)
As I was saying, in general, I find Brian hard to read unless he’s at an emotional extreme - i.e. flipping a table or belly-
laughing so hard the dishes rattle in the pantry.
I can never tell when he’s angry, happy, sad, bored etc. When I first started having him over to game I was constantly
asking, “Brian? You ok? Need a drink? Something wrong?” and a host of other questions attempting to find out why he was
silently sitting at the other end of the table, not having said so much as a single word all night. One night, apparently annoyed at
my constant questions, Brian muttered, “Look Jolly, when I need something I’ll let you know. If I’m not making noise I’m
happy. And when I make noise listen to what I’m saying and you’ll know what’s wrong. Comprende?”
That’s about as much as Brian’s ever said to me in a single response. I’ve found if he’s really upset he leaves a detailed note
turned face down behind my screen on his way out. They usually are concerns with judgement calls, favoritism, group-politics
and the like. The next week Brian will always ask, “You read my note?” with a peculiar quality in his voice that’s normally
absent. I’m not sure but I always have the impression he’s asking the question for the benefit of the others In the group. Perhaps
it’s his way of suggesting to the others he’s privy to information that they don’t have. I always respond by nodding my head
and he flashes a big thumbs up.
Brian is a veteran role-player going way back to the days they used “cardboard chits” for dice because Polyhedrons couldn’t
be purchased in Delaware County. He’s the kind of player most GM’s dread - the ones who know just ‘that’ much more about
the game than you do. Just enough to find the loopholes in your calls and are able to challenge the GM and make it stick.
In the beginning, not knowing Brian that well, I would look across the table and see this enormous pokerface muttering one
and two word responses for five or six hours. Knowing that this gentle giant could erupt at any moment turning the room into a
low-budge reenactment of the Poseidon Adventure.
His silence always gave me the impression he was bored to tears with my campaign and that the only reason he was coming
week after week was to make a fool out of me by challenging me to rule-duels.
Night after night he would roll the dice when prompted. Scribble a few notes, sip his soda and as soon as the game wound
down he was the first to give a “see ya Thursday” and dart out the door. (I found out later that Brian runs a BBS and that late
night Thursday he liked to archive the previous week’s uploads.)
Anyway, it really began to eat at me. Finally, I had to know the truth. Did Brian think my GMing sucked wind or was it me
personally?
One night Brian arrived early before the others and I decided to find the truth. “Brian? How do you like the campaign? I’m
curious. I love feedback.”
He looked up from the ten-sider he was polishing. “It’s okay.” There was a pause as he picked up a wax crayon and touched
up the numbers on his die. Then he added, “The way you handle Orcs is bogus though. Keeps me from fully getting into my
character.”
“Whaa......what?” I answered. I had been running a campaign in which a few orc tribes began causing problems for the
Emperor by continually raiding the borderlands. Fed up, the Emperor hires the players to talk sense into the orc chieftains. He
doesn’t want orc-blood on his hands but he can’t tolerate the raids.
The orcs resent being told what to do and after several bloody exchanges, the whole thing explodes with hundreds of far
flung orc clans rallying together to form an Orc nation bent on bringing down the Empire. I thought the campaign was
brilliantly laid out and was proud of my orc-handling.
“You have them banning together in large numbers.” explained Brian. “The rules don’t support it. Orcs aren’t good leaders.
Give’em more than 15 to 20 warriors to command and you have chaos. Male rivalry is too instinctual to be overcome by
discipline for Orcs. Throw a group of males in a situation and the leader-types begin wrestling for control. The Orc tribes are
doomed to continually grow in population until rivalries and inner-strife forces the tribe to split. Then the process is doomed to
repeat itself. It’s basic Orc nature. So your Orc nation is lame.”
I hadn’t really expected any criticism of my game. Brian's words caught me like a left hook and I reacted with a kneejerk.
“Lame? It’s my world. Orcs in my world aren’t cookie-cutter stereotypes. I decided to be original, put a little work into the
campaign so you guys would enjoy it more. And you call it lame? Besides, I think this male-rivalry impulse would be
overridden if a threat from an outside enemy threatened the entire Orc race.”
Brian nodded. “Exactly. And that’s how I handled it in the adventure I wrote in 1978 called, “Orcs at the Gates”. In my
adventure the Overlord was systematically slaughtering the orc tribes with the very clear intent of bringing on their extinction.
That’s sufficient cause for the Orc tribes to unite in force. But you just had a few soldiers raid a local Orc village and we’re to
believe this trivial incident would cause a mass convergence of all the Orc tribes in Alderac with the singular mindset of
bringing down an enemy which has historically kicked their butts for three thousand years in every single contest?”
Brian must have noticed the vein on my forehead rising to enormous heights because he shifted in his seat, took a long sip of
soda and added, “But it’s your game. I’m having fun or I wouldn’t come back each week.”
I decided to let the comments slide and put them out of mind. So what if Brian was a self-professed expert of Orc culture and
behavior? The following week when I slid behind the DM’s screen and began assembling my notes I was a little miffed t find a
signed copy of ‘ORCS AT THE GATES” sitting before me. I shot a look that could kill toward Brian. He was oblivious. He sat
there flashing me a big thumbs up and a ‘knowing’ nod.

Have a funny story about an experience that happened at the gaming table?
Tell us about it! Tales From the Gaming Table features short-stories, one to two thousand words in length
every issue. If it’s funny or amusing we want to hear your own tales from the table.
The Safety Lecture Story suggested by Christopher Heath

BEFORE WE WRAP THINGS UP, I WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE B.A. IS JUST POINTING OUT THAT WE’VE HAD OUR SHARE OF
TO TRY AND BE MORE SAFETY CONSCIOUS. I WAS JUST GAMING MISHAPS THAT HAVE RESULTED IN INJURY.
LOOKING AT THIS YEAR’S MINUTES AND GAME
SESSION ABSENTEEISM IS UP 24 PERCENT HEY IT WASN’T MY FAULT I BROKE
DUE TO INJURIES. REMEMBER, WHEN YOU MISS A GAME YOU’RE WE DON’T HAVE ANY MY ANKLE WHILE PLAYING
NOT ONLY HURTING YOURSELVES, YOU’RE HURTING THE GROUP. CONTROL OVER NERF-BASKETBALL IN MY
WHETHER OR NOT WE BEDROOM. I TRIPPED OVER SOME
GET HURT! ACCIDENTS RS2232 PRINTER CABLE.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WE’RE ARE JUST REAL LIFE
NOT LITTLE KIDS. I FEEL RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!
LIKE I’M IN A BAD EPISODE OF
SKIPPY THE
SAFETY SLUG.

DON’T GET ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE OVER IT. I’M JUST HEY LAY OFF HEY THERE WERE SIX OF US IN THAT
SAYING YOU GUYS SHOULD THINK BEFORE YOU ACT. A JACK!! THAT LIVE-ACTION HACKMASTER OUTING!!!
LOT OF THESE ACCIDENTS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED. FOR PAPERCUT ON MY EYE WAS IS IT MY FAULT THAT
EXAMPLE, BOB’S PAPERCUT! A FREAK ACCIDENT. DERANGED OPOSSUM
TEARING PAPER OUT OF A TARGETED ME FOR ATTACK?? I WAS
HACKMASTER MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!!
CHARACTER
OR THE TIME BINDER IS SUPPOSED
DAVE WAS TO BE A MUNDANE TASK. ACTUALLY YOU KEPT
MAULED IN WAS I SUPPOSE TO BE POKING IT WITH A STICK AND
THAT STORM- WEARING OSHA SAYING “YOU WANT A PIECE OF
CULVERT. APPROVED EYE- ME?” IT WAS ONLY DEFENDING
GOGGLES OR SOMETHING?? ITSELF.

YOU HAVE SOME GALL SITTING THERE AND A BIT TOO RICH??? AND THERE WAS THE TIME YOU NEARLY
PREACHING TO US ABOUT SAFETY. I STILL I HAD TO WEAR A HAIR CHOKED TO DEATH OVER A BET ON HOW
REMEMBER STARING DOWN THE BARREL OF THAT PIECE FOR EIGHT WEEKS! MANY TWENTY-SIDERS YOU COULD CRAM IN
DAMN FIRE-BALL GENERATOR* YOU AND MY EYEBROWS STILL YOUR MOUTH. OH, THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.
BROUGHT TO THE TABLE THAT ONE TIME. YOU HAVEN’T GROWN BACK IN
NEARLY KILLED US ALL!! COMPLETELY. YOU WERE ONLY TWO DICE AWAY
FROM BREAKING THE OLD RECORD
YEAH....WELL..THE FUEL WHEN WE HAD TO INTERVENE
MIXTURE WAS A BIT TOO WITH A HIEMLICK MANEUVER.
RICH, I’LL ADMIT.

* See KODT Issue #1Diminishing Returns

21
 YEAH, YEAH. WELL BESIDES ACCIDENTS, YOU GUYS B.A.’S RIGHT. THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR FLIPPING A TABLE IN ANGER OR
TEND TO GET CAUGHT UP IN THE GAME SO MUCH THAT I THROWING A DIE AT SOMEONE OVER A DISPUTED RULE CALL.
NEVER KNOW WHEN A TABLE IS GOING TO BE FLIPPED
OR A TWENTY-SIDER IS GOING TO BE HURLED AT ME. I’M
TALKING ABOUT NAKED AGGRESSION I THINK YOU ARE GREATLY JIMMINY! FLIP A
AND PHYSICAL HOSTILITY. EXAGGERATING. WE DON’T TABLE AROUND HERE AND
FIGHT ANY MORE OR ANY LESS THEY BRAND YOU WITH THE
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BRING UP THAT THAN ANY OTHER GROUP. MARK OF CAIN.
TWENTY-SIDER THING, HUH? I SAID I
WAS SORRY FOR CHIPPING YOUR TOOTH.

I WAS AT WEIRD PETE’S SHOP TODAY AND RAN THAT WAS NO DERANGED GAMER DUDE. THAT NITRO IS ONE
INTO NITRO FERGUESON. HE HAD A WAS BOB!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT. TOUGH HOMBRE. I CAN’T
BLACK EYE AND A DISLOCATED SHOULDER . SAID OL’ BOB WAS LIKE A RABID PIT THINK OF ANYONE WHO
SOME DERANGED GAMER ATTACKED HIM AT BULL! IT WAS AWESOME!! WOULD WANT TO
HACKCON LAST SATURDAY. SAID HE WAS LUCKY TANGLE WITH HIM.
TO ESCAPE WITH HIS LIFE. HE EVADED ANY
FURTHER QUESTIONS AND LEFT QUICKLY. WEIRD BOB ATTACKED NITRO??
PETE SEEMED TO THINK THAT ONE OF YOU GUYS
WERE RESPONSIBLE. IS THIS TRUE?

UH OH.

BOB WAS GREAT!! FIRST HE BLINDED NITRO WITH AN OPEN SALT SHAKER.
BOB THE GUY IS A GORILLA!! HE’S
THEN HE FLEW ACROSS THE TABLE, TACKLING NITRO AND GETTING HIM IN A
HUGE!! WHAT WERE YOU
MORGENSTERN THROATLOCK. THEY PLOWED A PATH
THINKING?? HE’S THREE TIMES YOUR
FROM THE RPG ROOM RIGHT THROUGH THE SPELLJACKED TOURNAMENT.
SIZE.. ARE YOU STILL HURT?
KNOCKING OVER CHAIRS, FLIPPING TABLES, TOPPLING OVER SPECTATORS. IT
WAS AWESOME.
THE MAN TOUCHED MY BOB DID
DICE!! TWICE!! HE GOT A OUR
THIS? BOB?
WARNING THE FIRST TIME.

22
 WELL, NITRO HAD IT FRANKLY, I’M APPALLED! HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY ATTACKING AN INNOCENT PERSON?
COMING I SUPPOSE. AND PHYSICALLY INJURING THE POOR MAN!!
HE KNEW BETTER.
WELL, I GUESS THAT’S ONE DICE-
YOU RULE BOB!! WHEN YOU PULLED HIS SQUIRREL WHO WILL THINK
SHIRT OVER HIS HEAD AND TWICE BEFORE PUTTIN’ HIS PAWS ON
HUH? YOU GOT WAX IN YER SMACKED HIM WITH THAT SNACK ANOTHER MAN’S DICE.
EARS? I SAID THE
TRAY THE CROWD ROARED!!
MAN TOUCHED
MY DICE!!!

I STILL DON’T SEE SARA, YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT LISTENING TO WHAT BOB IS SAYING.
WHY BOB HAD TO THE MAN TOUCHED HIS DICE!!!
ATTACK THE
POOR MAN OVER SOME NITRO THAT’S STILL NO
MINOR CROSSED EXCUSE FOR PUMMELING
INCIDENT. THE LINE!! THE POOR BASTARD HALF-SILLY!

LOOK, MISSEY, MAYBE MAN I WISHED YOU COULD HAVE SEEN BOB IN ACTION.
HAR HAR!! I
THEY LET SUCH THINGS THE DUDE WAS BLINDED WITH RAGE. IT
GUESS BOB HAS A
SLIDE IN WISCONSIN BUT TOOK THREE HOTEL RENT-A-COPS AND HALF A
SNACK TRAY
NOT HERE IN MUNCIE!! CAN OF PEPPER-SPRAY TO PULL BOB OFF
WEAPON
NITRO’S LIMP BODY.
PROFICIENCY!!
WE’RE GETTING OF THE
HAR HAR!!
SUBJECT GUYS. THE
POINT IS....

23
The Great Intervention Story suggested by christopher heath

BEFORE WE START THE GAME COME ON B.A.! YOU DREW I STILL THINK IT
TONIGHT THERE’S A LITTLE JUST SPIT THE SHORTEST SHOULD BE HANDLED
PROBLEM THAT WE NEED TO IT OUT B.A. STRAW. WE’RE NOT IN PRIVATE.
ADDRESS AS A GROUP. WE GOT TO GET GOING TO LET YOU BACK
OUT. IT’S YOUR JOB TO WHAT’S EVERYONE
UH....LET’S SEE HOW TO BEGIN? THIS OUT IN THE TALKING ABOUT?
UH....GEE THIS IS GOING TO BE OPEN. IT’S GONE RAISE THE ISSUE.
WHERE WAS I WHEN
DIFFICULT. MAYBE THIS TOO FAR! YOU DREW STRAWS?
SHOULD WAIT UNTIL A LATER... WHAT GIVES?

IF YOU CAN’T DO IT, I CONSIDER THIS AN INTERVENTION DUDE.

GUESS I’LL HAVE TO. BRIAN YA WE’RE HEAR TO BRING YOU BACK FROM
OKAY. HERE GOES. WE’VE LET THIS LITTLE BIG LUG!! YOU LA-LA LAND.
THE PROBLEM CHARADE CONTINUE KNOW WE’RE YOUR
FRIENDS. BUT YOU IF THIS IS ABOUT
IS....THE PROBLEM FOR TWO YEARS AND IT’S
GOT A BIG THAT FEMALE-
IS.... OH I CAN’T DO IT. OUT OF CONTROL. WE JUST
PROBLEM! CHARACTER
WANT TO I RAN AT GARYCON
HELP YOU. LAST SUMMER, IT
WAS A ONE-TIME
THING.

NO THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM! THE PROBLEM IS WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM WITH HER DUDE. SHE
YOUR....WA-WHAT?? YOU PLAYED A FEMALE DOESN’T EXIST!! SHE’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD MY
CHARACTER???? AT GARYCON? YOU MEAN..LIKE LITTLE DAY-DREAM BELIEVER!
IN A GAME? WITH PEOPLE WATCHING?
BRIAN, THE YOU GOT TO LOOK DON’T BE UPSET BRIAN. WE
MY GIRLFRIEND? REALITY IN JUST WANT TO DISCUSS THE
PROBLEM IS YOUR
ALEXIS MARIE? THE EYE DUDE!! SITUATION - FOR YOUR SAKE.
GIRLFRIEND
WHAT POSSIBLE PROBLEM GRAB HOLD OF IT
. WE WANT TO
COULD THERE BE WITH HER? AND DON’T LET GO.
TALK ABOUT HER.

24
 ALEXIS MARIE NOT REAL? THE JIG’S UP, BRIAN!! WE’VE COME WITH AN OFFER
ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS ALMOST LAUGHABLE. TO MAKE THIS AS PAINLESS AS POSSIBLE FOR YOU.

SIMPLY CONFESS ALEXIS MARIE ISN’T REAL

HA HA, I CAN’T AND WE AGREE TO DROP THE MATTER RIGHT HERE. NO
WAIT TO TELL ONE WILL EVER GIVE YOU ANY FLACK ABOUT IT.
HER ABOUT THIS
TONIGHT. SHE’S WHY ARE YOU AGAINST
GOING TO GET A LEXXY?? IS IT
KICK OUT OF IT. JEALOUSY? HUH?

THIS IS CRAZY! IS IT THAT HARD FOR YOU GUYS TO

IF SHE’S NOT REAL HOW
BELIEVE SOMEONE AS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL
DID I JUST GET OFF THE
AS ALEXIS COULD BE IN LOVE WITH A GUY LIKE ME??
SHE’S A FAKE!! PHONE WITH HER ?
JUST LIKE THE SO-CALLED WE MUST HAVE TALKED
WE’RE NOT SAYING SAY IT!! FOR AN HOUR.
THAT, BRIAN. WE’RE SAY SHE DOESN”T HICKEY ON YOUR NECK YOU
JUST SAYING THAT EXIST. YOU KNOW SHOWED UP WITH AT THE
YOUR LITTLE LEXXY YOU WANT TO CHRISTMAS PARTY!
ISN’T REAL EMBRACE THE
TRUTH.

UH...WELL,,,THAT WOULD BE I’M TELLING YOU SHE’S REAL.

NONE OF YOUR IF YOU CAN’T ACCEPT THAT THAT’S YOUR
OKAY IF YOU JUST BUSINESS IT WAS A PROBLEM. NO LOSS TO ME.
GOT OFF THE PHONE YEAH WHICH 900
PERSONAL PHONE CALL.
WITH HER WHAT DID NUMBER WAS IT DUDE?
1-900- BIG BAD BRIAN THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO
SHE HAVE TO SAY? EASE UP ON YOU. TELL THEM
PERSONAL? BIKER CHICS??
HA HA HAR HAR! WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR AND
YEAH MOST 1-900 IT WILL NEVER COME UP AGAIN.
NUMBERS ARE.

25
HOW COULD I MAKE UP SHE’S REAL
SOMEONE LIKE LEXXY?? I LOVE HEARING ALL THOSE AND SHE DAMMIT!!
SHE’S SO WONDERFUL! STORIES ABOUT HER CRAZY MAKES HER YES SHE GETS IN A LOT
SHE’S A MEMBER OF ADVENTURES. YOU KNOW, THE LIVING AS A OF ADVENTURES. SHE’S
AN OPERATIC
MAYBE FROM ONES. WHERE SHE GETS PRIVATE A RISK-TAKER. I’VE
HANG
WATCHING HERSELF OUT OF VARIOUS EYE WHO BEGGED HER TO BE MORE
GLIDING LIFE-THREATENING
TELEVISION? DOUBLES AS A CAREFUL. PERHAPS
TROUPE?? WHO
SOME OF THOSE JAMS BY USING COMMONLY FASHION THAT’S WHY I WAS
COULD BELIEVE
LEXXY-STORIES HAVE FOUND ITEMS TO PRODUCE MODEL? ATTRACTED TO HER.
THAT ONE? SPECTACULAR RESULTS?
BEEN PRETTY
UNBELIEVABLE!!

WE’RE SHIFTING THE WELL...UH...THAT’S NOT

BURDEN OF PROOF TO SO EASY. SHE LIVES OUT SHE LIVES IN....UH...
YOU BRIAN. INVITE HER OF STATE YOU SEE. THE
TO THE GAME NEXT PHILLIPINES!
WEEK. WE’LL HAVE SO WHERE DOES
PIZZA, TELL JOKES, OUT OF MISS WONDERFUL
PLAY SOME C.D.’S STATE?? LIVE THEN?
ANYTHING SHE WANTS
TO DO.

OKAY. GOOD BLOCK. NOW I COUNTER WITH ANOTHER I DON’T REMEMBER HER
YOU DIDN’T EXPECT
SHOT. LET’S JUST CALL MARIE ON THE PHONE AND PHONE NUMBER.
THAT DID YOU BIG GUY?
SETTLE THIS. I HAVE A CORDLESS PHONE AND I’M WILLING I LEFT IT AT HOME. THOSE
NOW WHAT ARE YOU
TO COVER THE COST FOR AN OVER-SEAS CALL. INTERNATIONAL CALLING
GOING TO DO?
CODES ARE MURDER.

THAT’S IT B.A.
KEEP THE
PRESSURE ON.

26
COME ON BRIAN!! WE’VE ALL PULLED LITTLE STUNTS RUBBER-BAND JUST...JUST BECAUSE YOU
LIKE THIS. I ONCE MADE UP A GIRL FRIEND MYSELF. I WILLIE GUYS LOST TOUCH WITH
TOLD EVERYONE I WAS TAKING HER TO THE PROM. WASN”T REAL??? REALITY DOESN’T...DOESN’T
LATER, WHEN WE DIDN’T SHOW, I TOLD EVERYONE OUR MEAN...I.....HAVE...
LIMO GOT HIT BY A TRAIN ON THE WAY TO THE DANCE. ALEXIS IS REAL!!!
YOU SEE BRIAN, WE’VE
ALL DONE IT. YOU JUST
YEAH AND WHEN I WAS A LITTLE TYKE, I USED TOOK IT TOO FAR.
TO HAVE A MAKE BELIEVE FRIEND CALLED
RUBBER-BAND WILLIE!!

COME ON, BRIAN!!! COME ON

PLANT THOSE SIZE-TWELVES THE TRUTH WILL BRIAN!!!
LOOK!!! HE’S BACK ON FIRM REALITY!!! SET YOU FREE, SAY IT!!
CRACKING!!! I THINK HE’S EMBRACE THE BIG GUY!!!
ABOUT TO BREAK!!! TRUTH!!!

ALRIGHT!!! (SOB) ALRIGHT DAMN IT!!! SHE ISN’T REAL!!!! ( SNIFF) IS THAT
WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?? DO ANY OF YOU KNOW THE DEPTHS OF PAIN A MAN CAN SINK TO?? WAS IT A
CRIME FOR ME TO ENGINEER MY OWN ESCAPE FROM A CRUEL WORLD OF LONLINESS??? (SOB) I’M A
ROLE-PLAYER, DAMN-IT!! THAT’S WHAT I DO!! SO I CREATED MY OWN LITTLE PATHETIC
WORLD. IT’S CALLED BRIAN’S LIFE!!! IT’S NOT MUCH BUT IT’S MY WORLD!!! THE HARSH
EDGES OF LIFE ARE LITTLE DULLER HERE. HERE I COULD IMAGINE THAT SOMEBODY COULD LOVE AND CARE
FOR A GUY LIKE ME. BUT YOU KILLED IT!!!(SNIFF)

27
(SNIFFLE) I’M....I’M SORRY GUYS. IT I FEEL SO GUILTY! DO YOU THINK WE DID THE
JUST HURTS. I’LL EXCUSE RIGHT THING? I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT THE BIG GUY.
MYSELF NOW. I THINK I’D LIKE TO BE
ALONE AND SORT THINGS OUT. IT HAD TO BE DONE B.A. HE TOLD ME LAST WEEK THAT HE
AND LEXXY WERE ENGAGED. AND YESTERDAY I
ACTUALLY GOT THE INVITATION IN THE MAIL.
OH DEAR. CAN YOU
YEAH, AND HE IMAGINE THE
ASKED ME TO BE ENGAGED??? TERRIBLE PAIN HE
HIS BEST MAN. CAN BRIAN?? HOW DID I MISS MUST BE FEELING
YOU BELIEVE THAT ONE? NOW?? POOR
THAT?? BRIAN.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE BASTARD

DIDN’T INVITE ME TO HIS
DAMN WEDDING!!

28
 Life’s a Game Weaver & Shad #1

BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS

Game!! Cast a Little Shadow
PLAY!! Price: $1.25
Infinite Images
P.O. Box 528
New Alexandria, PA 15670
By George Vrbanic
_____
This hard to find comic book is
truly a hidden gem. Now you can
BRIAN’S
read the adventures of
Gameweaver and Shad who are
PICKS familiar to thousands of gamers
as the former mascots of Shadis
Magazine™.
This first issue features the
origin of Shad, the mischievious
gnome who makes the
Gameweaver’s life difficult. The
story is surprisingly tense and
definitely worth a look.
Brian’s Rating: Worth-a-Look

Ironwood
Price: $26.95
Theatrix Setting Book
Backstage Press
P.O. Box 170243
By Bill Willingham
_____
Ironwood is a hilarious setting intended for use with the Theatrix
role-playing engine from Backstage Press. The observant reader
will immediately notice the “Warning! Mature Subject Matter” label
on the cover. If you are easily embarrassed or offended you may
want to pass this one up. Ironwood is based on the x-rated
comicbook of the same name published by Eros Comics.You’ll
definitely want to hide this one under your mattress next to your
copy of Hol the role-playing game.
Brian’s Rating: Sneak-A-Peek

Toy War 2: The Next Generation

Price: ??
Crunchy Frog Enterprises
889 Mowry Avenue #105
Fremont, CA 994536
Game Design by Paul Arden Lidberg
______
Toy War is a set of miniature rules specially
designed for use with all those toys and action
figures your kid brother has strewn all around
the house. This is a quick-and-dirty system
which promises only to be fun and simple
which it is. It comes in it’s own ‘official’ zip-
lock bag and a handful of plastic soldiers and
dinosaurs.
This product warms my heart because it
reminds me a time gone by when most game
store shelves were filled with zip-lock bags
and mimeographed rulebooks.
Brian’s Rating: Worth-the-Cost-of-Admission
 B.A. is 30 years old and lives with his parents. When
he isn’t gaming he works part-time in his dad’s dry
cleaning shop. B.A. dropped out of college to follow
Who’s Who In the Group
his dream of being a game designer. He sunk $6,000
into his first gaming product, DOG: the Role-Playing
Game which was a bomb. B.A. suffered a nervous
breakdown and left gaming for a few years before
picking up his dice bag again. He founded the Knights
B.A. Felton of the Dinner Table in 1976.

Bob is 26 years old and also lives with his parents.

He is currently unemployed even though he’s taken
over 8 years of vocational classes at a local tech
college. He has a habit of losing his job because of his
temper and sharp tongue. Bob was the first due-
paying member of the group. Bob is from the old
school of role-playing and believes it’s all about
breaking things and killing people. He made the local
papers once when he got lost in the steam tunnels
under the tech college for seven days. Bob Herzog

Dave is 22 years old and attends Ball State

University where he is studying cultural
anthropology and dance theory. Dave was introduced
to role-playing by Bob, whom he met at a local
paintball tournament. Dave is a true blooded hack-n-
slasher who becomes bored easily. He often forgets to
bring his character sheet to the game and tends to
borrow someone else’s dice. Dave originally joined
the group to take advantage of the free munchies.
Dave Bozwell

Brian is 27 years old and lives alone. He manages

to make a modest living operating a local computer
bulletin board and selling painted miniatures.
Brian is typically quiet and utters only three word
sentences unless a rule has been broken or his
character has been maligned. Even though Brian
can’t remember his own phone number, he can
recite entire passages of various rule books from
memory. He claims to have a girlfriend but no one
has ever seen her.
Brian VanHoose
 Sara is 25 years old and is B.A.’s cousin. She recently moved back
to Muncie, Indiana from Wisconsin and is the newest member of the
group. Unfortunately, Sara is also the only female in the group and
fights a lonely battle to bring more role-play into the group’s gaming
sessions and less hack-n-slash. Sara has decided it is her sworn
obligation to bring the other members of the group around to her
style of play. She attempts to do this by example but occasionally
has to resort to threats and physical bullying to make her point.
Sara Felton
Gary Jackson is fondly known as the, “Gawdfather of Gaming” by
millions of gaming enthusiasts around the world. His failing
wargame company, Hard 8 was about to close it’s doors for good in
1977 when Gary tossed the dice on a hastily produced role-playing
game, T h e H a c k M a s t e r s o f E v e r K n i g h t . T h e f i r s t p r i n t r u n
was quickly snapped off the shelves and soon frantic distributors
were calling Gary’s three man shop with pleas of, “More!”. Gary has
been riding Hackmaster spin-offs ever since.
Gary Jackson
Edmund Finely was once Gary Jackson’s paperboy. One morning he
was coerced into filling an empty chair during a play-testing
session of HackMaster and became ensnared in ‘Gary’s Game’. That
was twenty years ago and Edmund has been on the Hard 8 team ever
since (though he’s only been on the payroll for the past four
months). Edmund wears the proud title of “Director of Research
and Development” and recently oversaw the production of his first
written work, A b e , B a b e s a n d R o l l e r B l a d e s described as a
“sexy, zany, time-travelling romp through history and fashion”.
Edmund Finley
Victor Fergueson became known as the ‘Lord of Steam’ when he adapted the
HackMaster rules to live-action play and began taking hand-picked groups of players
on late-night forays into the labyrinth of steam tunnels beneath Ball State University.
After ‘Fergueson’s Folly’ made national headlines (Victor and his group were lost for
7 days prompting a massive rescue search) the steam tunnels were secured and
dozens of entrances were sealed with concrete. There are several contradicting
accounts of what happened weeks later on the evening of January 5th, 1987 but it
involved a satchel of C-4 high explosive, a miscalculation of the expected blast
radius, and a medical evac of the Campus Administration Building which collapsed
during an attempt to breach the steam tunnels. The incident earned Victor the
nickname, “Nitro’ and 5 years probation.
Nitro Fergueson
“Weird” Pete Ashton is 46 years old and is the sole proprietor of a
local gamestore called the “Games Pit”. Pete is proud of the fact that
he was one of the co-designers of the cult classic role-playing game,
“LYNCH M O B ” . P e t e l o v e s t o r e l a t e t h e s t o r y o f h o w h e w a s b u r n e d b y
his partners and lost “millions.” Pete is always available for advice
and oddly seems to be very bitter about the hobby he loves so much.
He was a major stockholder in Hard 8 Enterprises but sold his shares
mere days before HackMaster was released.
Weird Pete
 If I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:
My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my
dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
PARTING SHOTS
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded
by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing
them. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one
and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you
up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll
say, “No.” and shoot him.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red
button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead
trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard
it.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a
small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or
leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an
accident — I’m not accountable to anyone and my other
enemies wouldn’t believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
“mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.
Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected
before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at
the bottom of the cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them
as members of my organization, nor will they be required to
wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will
set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is
just putting his plan into operation.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a
mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is
sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to
undo the damage he’s caused.
I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s
just one thing I want to know.”
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen
to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a
fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she
was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and
she’d betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge
in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss
unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited
power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my
head.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct
any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible
except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will
graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of
fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will
easily be able to dispatch him.
I will never build only one of anything important. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Even though I don’t really care because I plan on living
forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress
sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won’t tumble to the ground
for no good structural reason.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my
enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they
have no source of comic relief.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life
through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good
messengers are hard to come by.
I won’t require high-ranking female members of my
organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better
with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero’s
party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
This partial list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach.
For the complete list email,
<anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu>.