Characters : Santa Claus, Elf, Reindeer (up to 9)

Setting : Santa’s house at the North Pole; the Slim Up Center

(Scene 1: Santa is standing in front of the mirror looking at himself, patting his belly
and flexing his biceps.)

Santa : Ho, ho, ho. Look at me. 350 pounds of pure, lean muscle. Wow.

Elf : (coming through the door) Hey, Fatso, it’s time to go. You still have 3 million
presents to deliver before tomorrow morning.

Santa : (angry) Hey, hey, hey! What did you just call me, you little weasel? Who are
you calling fat? I’m not fat. I’m in top shape. In fact, I think I’ve never looked better
before. I’m a lean, mean present machine.

Elf : (shaking his head) Yeah, yeah, whatever, Santa.

Let’s just go. The reindeer and the sleigh are ready to roll.

Santa : Okay, let’s go then. (Santa is going to the sleigh)

Rudolph: Good heavens. Look at Santa. He’s getting fatter

every day. Do we really have to pull the sleigh with all those
presents AND him? I might pull a muscle.

Dancer: You’re right; Santa’s not getting any slimmer.

Comet: Listen guys. I have an idea. (The reindeer stand in a circle with their heads
together whispering) Why don’t we take Santa to the Slim Up Center?

Prancer: The Slim Up Center? Isn’t that terribly expensive? And we don’t have any
money. How can we afford that?

Vixen: We could give them some presents instead. Maybe they’ll be okay with that.

Cupid : Okay, that’s a very good idea. Let’s go then. Santa, are you ready?

Santa : Sure guys. Let’s go. (Sleigh drives off. After a few minutes Santa notices it’s
going the wrong way). Hey guys, where are we going?

Donner: Well, Santa, we can’t pull your weight any longer. We think it’s time for you
to go on a diet.

Santa : A diet? What are you talking about? I’m as thin as a stick!

Blitzen: Well, a giant stick, Santa. Just face it. You need to lose some weight.

Santa : But I don’t want to…

Dasher: No buts, Santa. There’s no way out. Hurry up guys, we’re almost there.
(Scene 2: At the Slim Up Center)

Rudolph: Listen, Santa. The girl at the reception gave me this list of questions you
need to fill in. Don’t worry; we’ll help you with it. First question: What do you usually
have for breakfast?

Santa : Breakfast? Let me see. I have 12 slices of toast with marmalade.

Dancer: (Surprised) Twelve slice of toast?

Santa : Six sausages.

Comet: (Shocked) Six sausages?

Santa : Eight eggs.

Prancer: (Surprised) Eight eggs?

Santa : And four cups of coffee with lots of milk and sugar.

Vixen : (Shocked) Four cups of coffee? With lots of sugar?

Cupid : Don’t you eat any fruit, Santa?

Santa : Fruit? What do you think I am? A monkey? Monkeys eat fruit.

Donner: But Santa, fruit is really good for you. You should try it. Okay, next question:
What do you have for lunch?

Santa : Lunch? Well, I usually have six pieces of fried chicken.

Blitzen: (Surprised) Six pieces?

Santa : French fries and cola. Supersized, of course. And a big ice-cream for dessert.

Dasher: (Shocked) Supersized? Big ice-cream? Don’t you eat any vegetables, Santa?

Santa : Vegetables? What do you think I am? A rabbit? Rabbits eat vegetables.

Rudolph: But Santa, vegetables are really good for you. They keep you fit.

Santa : Yeah right. Next you’re going to tell me exercise is good for me. Hah.

Dancer: But it is, Santa. Last question: What do you have for dinner?

Santa : Not much. I don’t eat that much for dinner. Just a pizza and a soda.

Comet: Would that be a family-sized pizza, Santa? And a bucket of soda?

Santa : Yes, of course. What do you think I am? A supermodel?

Prancer: Okay, that’s it. I’ll hand in the questionnaire and see what they say.

Santa : Well, hurry up, I’m getting hungry.

Vixen : (Comes back) Right, Santa. The bad news is that you are quite a bit
overweight. The good news is that you can start your programme immediately.
Unfortunately, you’ll have to stay here until you’ve lost 150 pounds.

Santa : (Unbelieving) Stay here? Lose 150 pounds? How long will that take?

Cupid : Well, they were not really sure how long it would take, but they thought we
should be able to pick you in three years or so.

Santa : (Getting angry) In three years? But…

Donner: Not buts, Santa. We’re doing this for your own good. We’ll ask the Elves to
find a substitute Santa.

Santa : (Getting angrier) A substitute Santa? But there’s only one Santa. Me!

Donner: Not buts, Santa. And please don’t get upset, you might get a heart attack.

Santa : (speechless) But…

Reindeer (all together): Merry Christmas, Santa. Goodbye! (Reindeer wave goodbye
and ride off, leaving a depressed Santa behind)

The End