The Cycle of Abuse

1) Tension Building-​ Stress builds from pressures of daily life (marital

issues, misunderstandings, financial problems, illness, etc;). During this
time the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. This
feeling will last for several hours/ minutes but once they feel this way the
feeling could last for months before they ever say anything. To prevent
the abuse, the victim may try to reduce tension by being compliant,
nurturing OR the victim may provoke the abuser to get it over with.

2) Incident-​ During this stage, the abuser attempts to dominate their

victim. An outburst of violence/abuse occurs (may also include verbal
and psychological abuse). In violence where a relationship is present,
children are negatively affected. The release of energy reduces tension.
The Abuser may feel the victim “had it coming”.

3) Reconciliation-​ The abuser may start to feel remorse or quality, they fear
that their partner will leave or call the police (think Celeste & Perry from
Big Little Lies). The victim may feel pain and start to feel responsible.
This is characterized by apology, affection, or pretending like the
incident never happened. This marks the end of violence with the
“assurance” that the abuser will “change”. The abuser will try everything
to prevent the victim from leaving (most of the time the victim stays).

4) Calm- ​ During this stage, the relationship is relatively calm. The abuser
may agree to go to counseling. Over time the apologies from the abuser
become less sincere and are stated to prevent separation. However,
interpersonal difficulties will arise leading to the tension building phase.
The effect of the cycle may include loss of love, distress, separation, or ​at
the extreme, someone may be killed.