CHAPTER 37 CREATING HEALTHY TIES WITH IN-LAWS AND

EXTENDED FAMILIES
JAMES M. HARPER AND SUSANNE FROST OLSEN
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they
shall be one flesh. —Genesis 2:24
(Page 327) Nathan and Catherine had been married less than a year when it was time
for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Because they lived close to both sets of parents,
they had to decide how to spend the holidays. Catherine's parents told them they wanted them
to come to their home for Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas Eve dinner, and on Christmas
morning to open presents. Nathans parents asked them to dinner on Thanksgiving and
Christmas. Nathan and Catherine were presented with decisions they had never had to make
before; they loved their families and wanted to be with them, but they also hoped to establish
their own family traditions.
One of the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of
negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the partnership they
create through marriage. In this chapter we discuss the commandment that newly married
couples should leave their parents and cleave unto their spouses. We also discuss establishing a
marital identity, accepting differences, and including new spouses in the extended family

NEWLY MARRIED COUPLES SHOULD LEAVE THEIR PARENTS AND CLEAVE

UNTO THEIR SPOUSES
One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in
Genesis 327 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto
his wife." The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as "to remain attached, devoted, or
faithful to," and "to remain steadfast."¹ Thus, in cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are
to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companions.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, clarified the
meaning of this scripture as it relates to newly married couples:
Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection,
comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it
was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They
are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to
start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of
domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and
encouragement.²
 Elder Ashton reminded us that in cleaving to a spouse, married children should be
faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents. In turn, parents may need
to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be
independent. New husbands and wives must recognize that their spouses still have
relationships with their parents.³ President Spencer W. Kimball also (page 328) cautioned
parents and married adult children regarding their relationships:
Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers ….
Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and
husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and
counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things ….
Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of
the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it
is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks
and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate
their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your
own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who
should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to
adhere closely, to stick together.⁴
President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First,
married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they
should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from
outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.

HELPING NEWLY MARRIED COUPLES CREATE A MARITAL IDENTITY

One of the great joys of growing older can be witnessing a child find a husband or wife
and helping the couple create a strong marital identity. On one of the authors' walls hangs a
saying: "Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly." What kind of
husband or wife a child becomes and how he or she parents should give parents great joy, but it
also requires sacrifice of time and effort, and adaptation on the parents' part to new roles.⁵
The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they
grew up.⁶ One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital
identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an
invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that
information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with
future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law.
This may be difficult for daughters who have close relationships with their mothers.
Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than
with their mothers. This can be hard for mothers who want daily communication with their
daughters and for daughters who feel guilty about limiting contact with mothers. Too much
contact with the daughter could result in the son-in-law’s feeling that his spousal relationship is
being smothered. Mothers can help sons or daughters by not continuing to be their primary
confidante after they are married. The same can be said for fathers who are overly involved
with their married children. One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married
children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new
couple.⁷
Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife's mother
giving the main tug on one end and the husband’s mother at the other end.⁸ If this is the case,
it is important for both the husband and wife not to be in the middle. Research demonstrates
that daughters-in-law who use husbands as mediators with mothers-in-law often make their
own marriage and their relationship with the mother-in-law worse.⁹ Parents must give the
newly married couple time to adjust and allow them to be independent.
President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Genesis 2:24, said: "She, the woman,
occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us.
Even the children must take their proper but significant place. I have seen some women who
give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father. That
is a serious mistake. "¹⁰ We might add that it is a serious mistake for newly married sons or
daughters to put their parents in that first place and crowd out the new husband or wife.
Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if
necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage. The husband needs to
realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is
the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality
relationship.¹¹
Newly married couples are often torn when it comes to special occasions and traditions
such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays. Sensitive parents-in-law (page 329) recognize it
is important for couples to develop their own traditions and have time together on special
occasions. Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every
family gathering, even though they will be missed. How much involvement should exist with
extended family often requires negotiation and compromise in couple relationships until
agreement on solutions can be reached. For example, one couple decided that they would
alternate years between families for Thanksgiving, but would observe their own Christmas
holiday traditions at home.
Understanding that expectations for family relationships have to change helps new
parents-in-law help their children. Parents will do better to listen and not impose their opinions
or feelings. Intrusion by in-laws, both physically by too many visits and phone calls, and
emotionally by too many strongly held opinions, is a major concern of new daughters- and
sons-in-law.¹² When parents have difficulty with this, they need to look at whether they are too
enmeshed with their children. Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children
feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When
enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are
distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents,
and his parents will be personally hurt.
For example, some parents insist that their married children live close by and expect
that the entire clan get together weekly or sometimes daily for a dinner, family prayer, or
family home evening. While there is nothing inherently wrong in this, if extended families are
unable to create enough flexibility for a married couple to choose not to attend such activities,
the result is often lowered marital satisfaction for the couple. Sometimes financial support is
tied to how much participation there is in extended family activities. Giving priority to needs as
a couple may be viewed by parents as betrayal. Moving away is seen as disloyal, and parents
feel as though they cannot survive the distance. In such cases, the parents are holding too tight
and may be failing to deal with their own emotional issues or needs.
Parents who are enmeshed with their children may be tempted to use coercive
strategies, which at first glance may appear acceptable. For instance, a parent might discourage
a married child from accepting a job offer which would move the couple far away by telling
them that "the Spirit has revealed to us that it's a bad idea." Perhaps such coercion would take
the form of, "lf you were listening to the Spirit, you would know (or do) … "rather than
encouraging the married child and spouse to seek their own spiritual confirmations. Married
children are entitled to receive revelation for their stewardship in guiding their families, and
parents and grandparents should support and encourage their married children as they do so.
This does not mean that parents and grandparents should always avoid giving spiritual
guidance. When asked, they should offer their opinions, but even well-intentioned parents or
other family members should use great caution in assuming that they have more powerful or
immediate access to the Spirit than their married children. Rather than using coercive means to
keep married children close, parents should realize that greater dependence on Heavenly
Father will result when married children are encouraged to receive their own spiritual answers.
Closeness, on the other hand, is different from enmeshment. Parents who are secure in
their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally
close without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of their
parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take care of them
emotionally. Parents who struggle with enmeshment will have difficulty helping their married
children keep a strong marital boundary. Such parents feel they have to be inside the fence
with their child and his or her new spouse. Parents need to learn to let married children have
their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are
invited to provide input and support.¹³ If married children are having enmeshment difficulties
with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to (a) first express love to the parents for
all that they do, (b) explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity,
and (c) explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way
of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of
love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities.
Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings
about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in
their children's and grandchildren's lives. When married children are treated with respect and
love in this matter, they are more likely to want to spend more time with parents (page 330)
and extended family. Demands, expectations, manipulations, ultimatums, threats, and
emotional blackmailing tend to strain or destroy relationships.
Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with
the parent than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse. Parents should encourage children to
discuss matters with their spouses. (Triangulation in families is described in chapter 28) For
example, a mother who wants to know all the details of her daughter's marriage and tries to
"fix" any problems would be wise to focus her efforts elsewhere. One of the authors' children,
when newly married, came to him to complain about something the spouse had done. He
kindly encouraged his child to talk to the spouse and suggested that such triangulating fails to
solve the problem and weakens the marriage. Another parent in a similar situation suggested
that his married child work through difficult spousal issues by involving a competent marriage
counselor. In families where triangulation is common, information about children and their
spouses shared with other family members could lead to gossip and subsequent estrangement.
Diane Forbis wrote, "The potential for disrupting the family orchestration by talking about the
unseemly behavior of a sister-in-law or the offensive language of a brother will never be worth
any temporary satisfaction from voicing such indignation.”¹⁴

ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES
Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a
challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking
for the positive can help in dealing with differences.¹⁵ One woman said: "When I met [his]
parents … I didn't agree with them on religion, politics, or even on how to cook a pot roast. I
really wasn't even sure if I liked them. But then l had to remember they had raised [my
husband] and I loved him, so there must be something good about them. At that point, I began
to enjoy their differences, and to love them, too."¹⁶
Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and
in some cases, this may be upsetting. Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold
expectations that their children-in-law will be like them. A more realistic expectation is that
children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these
differences and be complemented by them. This may be especially difficult when a child
marries someone who is less active or not a member, or a child marries someone who is the
only member of the Church in his or her family. Parents who can work toward inclusion of a
new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best
relationships with their married children and more influence in the lives of their
grandchildren.¹⁷
Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of
its potential for creating growth in family members. Prayer, fasting, and loving long-suffering
are the best remedies when differences of children-in-law bother us.¹⁸ Where there are strong
differences, personality clashes, or even past offenses, it is important to lay those aside at
extended family gatherings and treat each other with politeness, dignity, and respect. Paul's
statement to the Corinthians is relevant: "For as the body is one, and hath many
members,…and the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head
to the feet, I have no need of you" (1 Corinthians 12:12, 21–23).

INCLUDING NEW SPOUSES IN THE EXTENDED FAMILY

A primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a
new person in their family system. Do they act like they do when people outside the family
visit, or do they show the side that has heretofore been reserved just for family members? And
if they act like they do around family, will this newcomer accept them? These inclusion and
exclusion issues are present even when siblings have already married. In fact, the presence of
other sons- or daughters-in-law can complicate inclusion issues because family members may
make comparisons, and often sons- and daughters-in-law join in screening the potential in-law.
Research has shown that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation,
intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one's role as a parent
are related to poor in-law relationships and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or
daughter.¹⁹ In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval
or support of parents to marry.²⁰ If parents are anticipating the marriage of their son or
daughter, they should encourage the couple to ask both sets of parents for permission to
marry, but parents should also find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the (page
331) child's judgment and see him or her as fully capable of building a good marriage. The idea
that good marriages are "found" is too prevalent in society (see chapter 7). Rather, strong
marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents
and siblings on both sides do to help support them.
Jody and jack came to my (James's) family therapy office a few weeks prior to their
wedding date. It quickly became apparent that Jody’s parents hoped I would talk them out of
marrying. When Jack had visited Jody's home several months before, Jody's family all looked for
any weaknesses he might have. Jody's mother's intrusive questions put Jack on edge, making it
hard for him to talk comfortably. During the visit, Jody’s mother told her that Jack was the
wrong man to marry. He wasn't good enough and didn't treat her how she deserved to be
treated. Jody's mother informed Jack that she was never wrong about people. She added that
he and Jody were not good for each other. It would be a bad marriage. I gave them a typical
battery of premarital tests and discovered that their relationship had many strengths. Their
potential to be a happily married couple seemed better than average, except for the fact that
Jody's parents and siblings were so down on Jack.
Jack wrote a letter, apologizing for anything he had done to offend them. It fueled the
family fire even more. Jody's father even called Jack's mission president to ask what kind of
missionary he had been. When Jack's parents got wind of this, they became distressed and
asked Jack if he wanted to marry into a family who treated him so unfairly. Needless to say, Jack
and Jody were bewildered. I eventually met with them and both sets of parents at different
times. In time, the parents accepted that Jack and Jody would marry and pulled together to
support them.
It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their
children-in-law as individuals. Often interactions are with the newly married couple or the
larger family group rather than with individuals. Mothers-in-law might consider inviting their
daughters-in-law for a lunch and then work toward a balance of self-disclosure and acceptance
in the conversation. Fathers-in-law could do something individually with their sons-in-law, again
with the purpose of building a positive, accepting relationship. The burden of acceptance rests
with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted
and respected.
Communication is the key to mothers-in-law building good relationships with their
daughters-in-law. While popular culture often suggests it is best to live far from parents-in-law,
the results of one study demonstrated that the close proximity of daughters-in-law with their
husbands' mothers did not add strain but provided opportunities for relationship
development.²¹
A young wife married for more than a year told me (James) that her parents, who were
not members of the Church, had never accepted her husband because they felt he had stolen
her from them. When they called, they wanted to talk only to her, and they addressed letters
only to her. Essentially, her parents were treating her as if she had not married.
Together we planned a celebration for their marriage that they as a married couple
would throw when they visited her parents. They rented a hall and invited all of her family and
friends. At this celebration, each talked about how much they appreciated being married and
thanked her parents for contributing to who she was. She told me that after the celebration her
parents asked to talk to her husband when they called, and they addressed letters to both of
them. When parents not of our faith cannot witness the actual marriage ceremony, it makes it
more difficult to redefine roles and boundaries, as was the case in this example.
When new roles are being defined for both parents and children, it helps parents to
realize that they have to make adjustments that may not always be comfortable. This is normal
and the discomfort may disappear with time and effort. Loyalty issues may come into play as
new sons- and daughters-in-law struggle with what to call their new in-laws. Will they be
comfortable if I call them Dad and Mom? How will my own parents feel? While awkward at
first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom
and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents.²² It is
also helpful to ask parents-in-law if it is all right to call them Mom and Dad, or what they would
like to be called. Likewise, it means a great deal for an in-law to be referred to by siblings simply
as "my brother" or "my sister" rather than always being labeled as in-laws.
Parents sometimes worry that sons and daughters will like their in-laws more than they
like them. It is wise to see this new set of parents as complementary rather than competitive
replacements. A married son or daughter now has an additional set of protectors (page 332)
who can appropriately provide help and support. Parents can be most supportive by
encouraging their child’s relationship with his or her in-laws, by inquiring sometimes about the
well-being of the other in-laws, and by avoiding duplicating in a competitive way what the other
set of in-laws does. For example, one set of parents gave a married couple money to finish their
basement. While the other parents felt the temptation to offer a similar amount or even more
money, they chose not to and avoided the competitive spirit that otherwise might have
developed.
Even before they are married, couples begin to learn that their families are different.
The more a person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s
family, the easier it will be to feel included. Examples of unspoken rules include how family
members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive
family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics
should not be discussed. The clearer family rules are, the better, because new sons- or
daughters-in-law can't follow rules if they don't understand them.²³
While the ideal is for extended family to be supportive, sometimes this is not the case.
Especially hard are situations where parents have been abusive, even sexually abusive. The
danger of interacting with parents-in-law in these circumstances is that even further abuse is
possible. Elder Richard G. Scott stated: "Your Heavenly Father does not want you to be held
captive by unrighteous influence, by threats of reprisal, or by fear of repercussion to the family
member who abuses you."²⁴ In these cases, it is appropriate for spouses to counsel together
and decide together how much contact, if any, to have with an extended family member who
continues to be abusive. The supporting spouse must understand that his or her own anger
about the past abuse does not help the spouse who has been abused, but may make it harder
for the abused spouse to communicate openly. When spouses can be supportive and listen and
not be emotionally reactive, they are better able to help the husband or wife who has
experienced abuse decide how much contact the couple will have, together, with the family
members who belittle or abuse.
One woman described how her mother-in-law ignored her letters and phone calls for
years. She said, "I knew that the Lord wanted me to love my mother-in-law, yet how could I
love her after all that happened?" She prayed that she would have endurance to continue to
reach out and "dropped to [her] knees and asked the Lord to remove [her] long-held
bitterness." She said, "I had been blinded by grudges and self-pity, but now I could see more
clearly into my soul and the soul of my mother-in-law."²⁵
If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or
harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together. They will need to decide
what limits to place on the type of contact and time they spend with that family member. If
they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to
approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they
should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be
supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds. At times,
the situation may be deemed serious enough to warrant cutting off contact with in-laws and
extended family members who actively seek it to harm family members or destroy
relationships. However, couples can continue to pray for these family members from a
distance, keeping their hearts soft and ready to forgive past offenses.
Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are giving
advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a
family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control
everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication.²⁶
Conversely, when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long
after they are gone. Likewise, siblings can do much to help new in-laws feel included. Writing
letters, making phone calls that include both sibling and new spouse, and doing activities with
the new spouse increase feelings of belonging.
Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting
boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and
communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with
them.²⁷ Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other's
being first in the marriage are important steps for building relationships with parents-in-law.²⁸
Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves,
communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a relational connection,
they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law. Being forceful, angrily avoiding
(page 333) in-laws, taking sides, and not accepting differences leads to poor in-law
relationships.²⁹

CONCLUSION
In summary, parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital
identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion;
offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward
developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating
opportunities to spend time one-on-one. The good news is that when parents-in-law
understand inclusion and exclusion issues, the necessity of monitoring and managing their need
for control, the loyalty tugs, and the importance of helping a new couple establish a solid
marriage boundary, in-law relationships are improved.³⁰
If you are in an estranged relationship as a child-in-law or a parent-in-law, forgiveness
may be necessary before you can do some of the things mentioned in this chapter. Forgiveness
means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred.³¹ Improved
relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues
and past offenses with love and concern. Some things may not be resolved in this life. Trusting
in Christ and His timetable will help each prepare to do all they can do to mend troubled
relationships.
Extended family relationships can do much to support and strengthen family members.
The guidelines discussed in this chapter for relating to in-laws and for how parents should treat
married adult children will help family members fulfill the proclamation's charge, "Extended
families should lend support when needed."³²
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
James M. Harper is director of the BYU School of Family Life, associate dean in the
College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences, a Zina Young Williams Card Endowed University
Professor, and a marriage and family therapist. He is a former president of the BYU 21st Stake
and of the Korea Pusan Mission, and he currently serves as Gospel Doctrine teacher in the
Timpanogos Park Second Ward.
Susanne Frost Olsen is associate director of the School of Family Life and a faculty
member in the Marriage, Family, and Human Development program. She currently serves as
Primary president In the Orem Utah Suncrest Tenth Ward.
ADDITIONAL READING
Extending family relationships (1986, October), Ensign, 16(10), 57.
M. O. Richardson (2005, April). Three principles of marriage, Ensign. 35(4), 20–24.
Patricia Russell (2000, March), Building good in-law relationships, Ensign, 30(3), 53.
NOTES
1. Oxford English Dictionary, 2d ed. (1989), s.v. "cleave."
2. Marvin J. Ashton (1974, January). He took him by the hand, Ensign, 4(1), 101.
3. Extending family relationships (1986, October), Ensign, 16(10), 57.
4. Spencer W. Kimball (2002, October), Gospel classics: Oneness in marriage, Ensign,
32(10), 40. 5.
5. Extending family relationships (1986), 57.
6. J. S. Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee (1995), The Good Marriage: How and Why Lim Lasts
(Boston: Houghton Mifflin).
7. L. R. Fischer (1983), Mothers and mothers-in-law, Journal of Marriage and the Family,
45(1), 187-192.
8. P. Cotterill (1994), Friendly Relations? Mothers and Their Daughters-in-law (New York:
Taylor and Francis).
9. B. H. Limary (2002), The Mother-in-law/Daughter-in-law Dyad: Narratives of Relational
Development among In-laws; doctoral dissertation, University of New Mexico
(Albuquerque. NM).
10. Spencer W. Kimball (1976, March), The blessings and responsibilities of womanhood,
Ensign, 6(3), 70.
11. L. L. Ades (2003), Predictors of the Quality of the Relationship between Daughters-in-law
and Mothers-in-law (marital), Dissertation Abstracts International-B, 63(1), 4909.
12. G. C. Horsley (1997), The In-law Survival Manual: A Guide to Cultivating Healthy In-law
Relationships (New York: John Wiley &: Sons).
13. G. Lundberg and J. Lundberg (2000, January), The marriage balancing act, Ensign, 30(1),
54.
14. D. D. Forbis (1998, July), Harmony among grown children, Ensign, 28(7), 49.
15. P. Russell (2000, March). Building good in-law relationships, Ensign, 30(3), 53.
16. Horsley (1997), 46.
17. Name withheld (2000, July), The only member in my family, Ensign, 30(7), 16.
18. Forbis (1998), 49.
19. Horsley (1997); Limary (2002).
20. Horsley (1997).
21. R. Marotz-Baden and D. Cowen (1987), Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law: The
effects of proximity on conflict and stress, Family Relations, 36(4), 385-390.
22. L. S. Averick (1996), Don't Call Me Mom: How to Improve Your In-law Relationships
(Hollywood, FL: Lifetime Books).
23. G. C. Horsley (1996), In-laws: Extended family therapy. The American Journal of Family
Therapy. 25(1), 18–27; Horsley (1997), 47.
24. Richard G. Scott (1992, May), Healing the tragic scars of abuse, Ensign, 22(5), 31.
25. Name withheld (1994, October). Remove my bitterness, Ensign, 24(10), 66.
26. Horsley (1997).
27. M. J. Turner and T. S. Killian (2003), Factors related to the quality of relationships
between sons- and daughters-in-law and fathers- and mothers-in-law, The
Gerontologist, 43, 51.
28. Turner and Killian (2003). 51.
29. Limary (2002).
30. L. Berg-Cross and J. Jackson (1986), Helping the extended family: In-law growth and
development training program, Psychotherapy in Private Practice, 4(1), 33–50.
31. For specific information about forgiving a family member, please refer to J. M. Harper
and M. Butler (2000), Repentance, forgiveness, and progression in marriage and
 families; in D. C. Dollahite, ed., Strengthening Our Families: An In-Depth Look at the
Proclamation on the Family (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft), 154–166.
32. First Presidency and Council of Twelve Apostles (1995, November), The family: A
proclamation to the world, Ensign, 25(11), 102.
Originally published in Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, Elaine Walton, and David C Dollahite,
2005, Helping and Healing Our Families, Deseret Book Company. Reformatted by BYU-Idaho for
accessibility purposes, July, 14, 2017.