3 WOMEN

[Four chairs resemble a parked car. It's night. ROBERTA and REBECCA sit in the front seat. REBECCA in
passenger seat.]

ROBERTA: Do you think I'm becoming ill? Unstable? Maybe I'm becoming an alcoholic. You think I'm
becoming an alcoholic. You think there's something wrong with me. There is. I think I should take
lithium. I heard lithium helps. Like that song by Nirvana? Lithium? "I'm so happy ‘cause today I found my
friends. In my head." Is that how it goes?

REBECCA: I told you I'm not talking.

ROBERTA: Robert likes Nirvana. I should get him a Nirvana CD, but I think he has them all. That would be
a good first move. Don't you think? If I got him a new Nirvana CD? But he's probably sick of them by now.
Like he's sick of me. Bugging him. Some alcoholic chick bugging him giving him Nirvana CDs. How stupid.
Do you think I should just not bug him? I'm bugging him aren't I. I should play hard to get. He's got to be
here tonight. He said he was going to be here.

REBECCA: Let's just go in.

ROBERTA: No! We're not fashionably late enough yet! Just stay in the car another ten minutes. Hey! You
just talked! I knew you couldn't do it. I knew when you said you weren't talking tonight that you couldn't
do it, how could you go to a party and not talk. Or are you just not talking to me? Is that what it is?
You're just not talking to me. You don't like me anymore. You think I'm an alcoholic!

REBECCA: Forget it.

ROBERTA: You were good. You were! I thought you were good. You did a good job. I said you were good,
that's all that matters right? I mean who cares anyway. It was just a stupid little sketch.

REBECCA: A play.

ROBERTA: Whatever. Geez, why are you being bitchy to me. I didn't do anything! I said you were good.
Who cares anyway? I mean there were like nine people in the audience. Why are you getting so freaked
out? Nobody even saw you! All the people that are at this party? They weren't even there! You're getting
me all upset. I'm unstable. I should take Xanax. Robert said he takes Xanax. Maybe I'll start taking Xanax.
He better be here. I don't see his car yet. Robert said he was going to be here when I saw him, and I said
that was great because I was going to be here too. Oh no! Maybe Robert won't show up now because I
said I was going to the party too! You think he'd do that? [REBECCA sighs.] I heard Robert was going and I
just went right up to him, "I heard you were going to the party!" And he just said "Yea." And I said,
"Outstanding! I'm going too. I'll see you there." But with my cute seductive look—like this—face down,
eyes up. Ya know— [She does the look.] "I'll see you there." And he just said, "Yea" like that, "Yea." And I
said, "Great! I'm going too!" And then he looked at Tom. Looked at Tom like he was scared. Like Tom said
something to him. You think Tom said something to him? Tom better not have. Oh for God's sake girl
cheer up!

REBECCA: The phone didn't ring. The phone was supposed to ring. Did you notice that?

ROBERTA: What?

REBECCA: The phone was supposed to ring, but it didn't so I just made a phone call instead.

ROBERTA: I didn't notice anything! It was fine. It's just a stupid play.

REBECCA: It's not stupid.

ROBERTA: I didn't mean it's stupid, I meant who cares? Ya know? Nobody really cares.

REBECCA: I care.

ROBERTA: Well that's good. Ya know, that's good to do that. Look, if Robert isn't here tonight I'm going to
be devastated okay? Devastated and you're going to have to stay with me at the party okay? You have to
promise. Promise!

REBECCA: All right.

ROBERTA: Well, I guess Brad will still be there. Brad likes me I think. He bought me a Mint Julep. At the
bar the other night? A Mint Julep. Isn't that weird? He likes me. But a Mint Julep though—that's weird. I
can't go out with a guy who buys me a Mint Julep.

REBECCA: Did you get the part about the pen?

ROBERTA: What?

REBECCA: The pen. My lover's pen.

ROBERTA: Yea?

REBECCA: He gave it to me before he got on the train. To go to war. And die. You got that he died right?

ROBERTA: In the skit?

REBECCA: The play!

ROBERTA: Oh! Yea, I thought you had real lover that gave you a pen-- I was going what are you talking
about? He gave you a pen? I mean who cares about a pen. [ROSETTA enters.] Oh my God! Look who's
coming—look at those earrings, what's up with those—and of course she's wearing that Tommy Tube-
top. She's still pissed off about Tom.

[ROSETTA plops in the backseat of the car laughing.]

ROSETTA: I'm going to Chile!

ROBERTA: Is Robert in there?

ROSETTA: I'm going to Chile with Hamish!

ROBERTA: Oh good, Robert's got to be at the party if Hamish is there.

ROSETTA: I'm going to hike the Andes with Hamish! Just me and Hamish on the Andes mountains making
love. In a tent. Sharing a sleeping bag.

ROBERTA: Is Robert going?

ROSETTA: I don't know.

ROBERTA: I hope Robert is going.

ROSETTA: I hope not. I don't know.

ROBERTA: Then maybe Robert will ask me to go.

ROSETTA: Oh my god Robert is probably going to Chile. How are me and Hamish supposed to get it on if
Robert is there?

ROBERTA: No! [Laughs.] Isn't that funny? Don't worry hon, I wasn't talking about Chile—I meant the
party!

ROSETTA: Oh the party! Yea, I don't know, I heard Robert was going to be here.

REBECCA: You didn't make it to my play.

ROSETTA: What? Was that tonight? I'm sorry. Does it play again?

REBECCA: No. Tonight was it.

ROSETTA: Well they should play those things longer! Every time I want to see a play? It's over. How long
did it play?

REBECCA: Six weeks.

ROSETTA: See what I mean? They should show them longer. You should tell them to play it longer. It's not
like you got anything else to do right?

ROBERTA: Robert's scared of me I think. I wonder if Tom told him something. You think Tom told him
something?

ROSETTA: How should I know? So Hamish was telling me about Chile today in the library and I said that it
sounded really cool. And then he said he was going back this summer and he said—"You should go
sometime." And I said, with my cute seductive look, you know, face down, eyes up [She does the look.]
like that? I said, "Can I go with you?" And he said, "If you want." So me and Hamish are going to Chile!
[REBECCA sighs.] What's wrong?

ROBERTA: Her little play thing didn't go to well.

REBECCA: You said you liked it!

ROBERTA: No! I'd never say that. I said I thought you were good! She said she wasn't going to talk
tonight.

ROSETTA: She wasn't going to talk?

ROBERTA: No, she said she was going to quit talking. Says nobody really cares, so why talk?

ROSETTA: How can you go to a party and not talk? She was just talking just a second ago anyway!

ROBERTA: I know! I know!

ROSETTA: Girl, I am flying tonight! I hope Billy hears. I hope Billy hears I'm going to Chile with Hamish.
That dick.

REBECCA: Can we go in yet?

ROSETTA: Thought I'd just crumble without him? Hell no!

ROBERTA: Billy's supposed to be here tonight.

ROSETTA: Good! I'm going to follow him around all night. "You hate me? You hate me huh? Well I'm
going to Chile with Hamish!" All night I'm going to follow him around.

ROBERTA: You ever had a Mint Julep? Brad bought me a Mint Julep.

ROSETTA: He bought you a Mint Julep?

ROBERTA: I think he likes me.

ROSETTA: What's a Mint Julep?

ROBERTA: I'm going to ask him tonight—Do you like me?

ROSETTA: You can't go out with a guy who buys you a Mint Julep!

ROBERTA: I know!

ROSETTA: I'm going to follow him around all night too! What the fuck is up with you Mint Julep boy! You
bought a girl a Mint Julep? What's up with that?

ROBERTA: Really! I mean a MINT JULIP!

REBECCA: So what?! SO WHAT?!

ROBERTA: What?

REBECCA: So he bought you a Mint Julep! Who cares! I mean who the FUCK really cares!

ROSETTA: I thought she wasn't talking?

ROBERTA: She wasn't.

ROSETTA: I thought you weren't talking there "No talker!"

ROBERTA: She's upset about her little play.

REBECCA: No I'm not. I'm not anymore.

ROSETTA: What's the big deal? I heard nobody was going because the review was horrible anyway. It's
not your fault it was bad.

REBECCA: You didn't see it.

ROSETTA: I don't have to. I heard it was bad.

REBECCA: Forget it.

ROSETTA: Come on, we'll go to REI tomorrow and we'll buy some boots!

REBECCA: Why?

ROSETTA: ‘Cause I'm going to need some boots for my trip to CHILE WITH HAMMISH! Come on, you guys
are fashionably late enough—let's grab a beer.

ROBERTA: Wait. I should probably tell you—Hamish picked up on me last week.

ROSETTA: What?

ROBERTA: I think Hamish picked up on me.

ROSETTA: No he didn't. He did?

ROBERTA: I bummed a smoke from Robert and… and… Hamish lit it for me.

ROSETTA: He what?

ROBERTA: He lit my smoke.

ROSETTA: Well. That's all right.

ROBERTA: I was going to light it myself, and he just came from out of nowhere and lit my smoke—just
like that!

ROSETTA: Did he smile?

ROBERTA: I guess. I couldn't tell.

ROSETTA: Then how can you—

ROBERTA: You can tell. You know, you can tell. He was. Definitely.

ROSETTA: All right. SUPPOSE he did FLIRT with you… you let him?

ROBERTA: Well. Yea! I mean I needed a light. You aren't going out with him or anything.
ROSETTA: Look. It's cool. I know what you're talking about, and it's not what you think. He always lights
smokes like that actually. It's kind of a joke. He started that with me. He does that all the time.

ROBERTA: Whatever.

ROSETTA: He does!

ROBERTA: Whatever. I was just trying to let you know. Trying to help you.

REBECCA: I want to go home.

ROBERTA: What? What?! You promised!

ROSETTA: Oh my God! Look!

ROBERTA: Oh my God it's Mint Julep Brad… and he's with Michelle.

ROSETTA: With Michelle! You showed him the hand and now he's moved on it seems. Oh my God!

ROBERTA: Oh my God did you see that? He kissed her! That fucking dick!

ROSETTA: He better keep away from gonococcus mouth Michelle if he knows what's good for him.

ROBERTA: Yea! I better warn him. [Pulls out her purse. Looks around.] I don't see Robert yet. Maybe Brad
will buy me another drink, hopefully not another Mint Julep. But who cares right? [To Rebecca:] Who
cares about a Mint Julep right? [She takes out a bottle of pills, pops one and puts it back.] Okay. You guys
comin'?

ROSETTA: Yea, whatever, we'll be out in a sec.

ROBERTA: It's not what you think.

ROSETTA: Whatever.

ROBERTA: Whatever.

[They exchange "whatevers" until Roberta is almost out of the car. Rebecca stops her.]

REBECCA: Wait.

ROBERTA: What?
REBECCA: I want to go home.

ROBERTA: [Crazed.] I went to your play! I went to your stupid play! So fuck off!

[ROBERTA slams the door and exits.]

REBECCA: I need to talk. I want to talk to someone.

ROSETTA: Yea. That fucking cunt. I can't believe she'd do that to me. Flirt with someone she knows I like.
I'm her friend. Would you do what she did? No. ‘Cause you're a friend. You listen. You know what a
friend is. I would never do that to you. She's just trying to get back at me for Tom. I can't help it if Tom
wanted me. I don't know what she's so upset about. It's not like Tom called me afterwards.

REBECCA: I need help.

ROSETTA: Yea. We're all fucked up. I can't wait to go to Chile. Let's get a beer.

[ROSETTA gets out of the car, shuts the door and exits. It's quiet. REBECCA is alone.]

REBECCA: I'm not talking.

THE END

SPECIAL

[Lights up as STAN and VELMA sit at a table in a nice restaurant. Velma puts her napkin in her lap. Stan,
spying her, does the same. Stan looks at the wine menu for a few moments. Velma studies her menu.]

VELMA: I want to hear the specials.

STAN: They have quite a wine list here. Very impressive.

VELMA: I don’t believe I’ll be drinking any wine.

STAN: Oh, no wine, huh. You don’t drink?

VELMA: Not this evening.

STAN: I understand.

[He shuts the wine menu.]

VELMA: What do you understand?

STAN: A first date. Don’t want to let your defenses down so you figure you’ll stay away from the alcohol.
Very smart. You’re a very smart girl. And beautiful.

[Stan fingers the wine menu.]

VELMA: If you want to drink, go ahead. It doesn’t bother me.

[Stan quickly moves his hand away.]

STAN: Noooo. Don’t be silly. I don’t NEED to drink. I just thought it would be nice for dinner. That’s all.
But I don’t need to.

VELMA: Well, it’s your choice.

STAN: It is.

[They both look at their menus for a moment. Stan taps his fingers on the menu, a nervous habit.]

VELMA: Look, if you want to order a drink then you—

STAN: I don’t want a drink! Excuse me. I didn’t mean to get so…loud.

VELMA: Well, it seems as if you do. You seem very nervous.

STAN: Well, first dates make me nervous. There. I said it. I’ve lost my cool mystique and tipped my hand.
First dates make me nervous. Certainly I’m not the Johnny Depp you were looking for.
VELMA: That’s okay. I’m not asking you to be. Relax. Let’s get to know each other. Tell me something
about yourself.

STAN: Well…I’m married.

VELMA: You’re what?

STAN: Oh god. I probably shouldn’t have said that. But it’s true. I’m married.

VELMA: I see.

[Pause.]

STAN: Is that a problem?

VELMA: No.

STAN: And you? Are you married?

[The waiter enters. He sounds more like a game show announcer than a waiter.]

VELMA: Oh thank God. The waiter.

WAITER: Good evening. Would you be interested in hearing tonight’s specials?

VELMA: We would.

STAN: It’s true. She’s right.

[Velma eyes Stan oddly and the waiter proceeds.]

WAITER: Would you like something to drink first?

VELMA: I’ll have some sparkling water.

WAITER: Sparkling water. Sexy. And the monsieur.

STAN: I’ll have a glass of your best Cab.

WAITER: Wine for the monsieur. No wine for the lady. Interesting.

[He begins to exit.]

STAN: I thought you asked if we wanted to hear the specials?

WAITER: I did. It’s true.

[He exits.]

STAN: He’s odd.

VELMA: Yes, he is.

STAN: So we have that in common.

VELMA: It’s true we do. [Pause.] Does your wife know you’re on this date?

STAN: She does.

VELMA: Really?

STAN: Yes. It was her idea in fact. Thought it might help things between us.

VELMA: Oh. Sounds like a strange woman.

STAN: [beaming] She is. She really is. But let’s not talk about her. Let’s talk about you.

VELMA: What shall we talk about?

STAN: We could talk about how you take my breath away.

VELMA: I think I should tell you…uh…I’m sorry I don’t even know your name.

STAN: It’s Stan.

VELMA: Stanley?

STAN: NO! Stan. Just Stan. Stan Casual.

VELMA: Stan Casual?

STAN: Truly.

VELMA: Again. Odd. You’re a very odd fellow. But I must say I am intrigued by you. Even drawn to you.
STAN: That makes me very happy. I can’t express how happy that makes me, except to say it makes me
VERY happy. Very.

VELMA: But I am having a hard time getting over this thing with your wife.

STAN: Forget about her. Wash her from your memory. She’s dead to me now. Only you reside in my
heart.

VELMA: I’ll try. But it’s not easy. I feel as if I have a responsibility to your wife—

STAN: Can we please stop talking about my wife! [He slams his fist on the table.] I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
to react like that. [She stands up to leave.] You’re not going to leave me, are you?

VELMA: I don’t see why I shouldn’t.

STAN: Our dinner for one. I hear the specials here are magical. Please. I can make this up to you. I really
can. If you insist on—or rather if you want to talk about my wife then feel free.

VELMA: Well, if you’re married why should I even bother to continue this?

STAN: Why? Because I’m trained. I’ve been purged of all the irritating behavior of men that drives
women crazy. I have been whipped into tip-top shape, I assure you. For example, I always leave the seat
down. I shave regularly. I understand the importance of flowers. I can order good wine--if you want it. I
don’t talk about sports. I can talk about the arts. AND MOREOVER, you would get the best of me because
you don’t have to see me day in and day out. That’s my wife’s problem not yours. She would have to put
up with the daily grind while you reap the benefits. Imagine what a great sex life we could have.

[Velma sits.]

VELMA: You might have a point.

STAN: I really think I do.

VELMA: I very much enjoy good sex.

STAN: I think we’re in complete agreement there.

VELMA: Sometimes I like to be naughty.

[Stan shifts in his chair.]

STAN: Me too. Me too. I don’t mind telling you--. Well, I hope I’m not being too forward right now but
you are--. I better stop right there.

VELMA: Please don’t. Tell me.

STAN: I don’t think I should. Where is that waiter with our drinks?

VELMA: I think you should feel free to tell me anything. Reveal yourself to me.

STAN: Well, your naughty talk is giving me a Woodrow.

VELMA: A Woodrow?

STAN: Yes, a woody. A hardon.

[She slaps him.]

VELMA: I am appalled. That’s how you talk on a first date?

[Velma stands to leave. The waiter stops her.]

WAITER: Please do sit down, ma’am. I am ready to recite the specials to you.

[Velma hesitates. The waiter stares at her. She sits. The waiter looks as if he’s going to recite the specials
and then begins to exit.]

STAN: What about the specials?

[The waiter turns.]

WAITER: I am no longer ready.

[The waiter exits.]

STAN: I am really sorry about that. This whole dating thing is so new to me. I just—I don’t know how to
behave, how to censor, how to talk. To be quite honest I don’t know a lot. Please forgive me and my
ignorance.

VELMA: I forgive you.

[Stan grabs her hand and stares into her eyes.]

STAN: Thank you so much for not leaving me.

VELMA: Did you enjoy that?

STAN: Enjoy what?

VELMA: My slap. The way I slapped you.

[Stan rubs his face, reliving the moment.]

STAN: I must say I did enjoy the stinging.

VELMA: I thought you might. There’s more where that came from you know.

STAN: Perhaps we should leave right now.

VELMA: But we haven’t eaten.

STAN: We can eat something else. Somewhere else. Something on the order of cream perhaps.

VELMA: You need to exert more control, Stan. Don’t rush things. It is only our first date.

STAN: You are right. Waiter? Waiter? We’re ready to order. Where is he? You’re right. We should have
dinner first.

VELMA: And then what, Stan?

STAN: We should just see where the night takes us.

VELMA: See what arises?

STAN: I like the sound of that.

VELMA: Perhaps your wife would be interested in joining us.

STAN: Perhaps we should keep her out of this.

VELMA: Are you embarrassed of me?

STAN: No. I just don’t think…I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of a thing yet.

VELMA: Hmmm.
STAN: What hmmmm? You sound disappointed.

VELMA: I just thought you were a bit more cosmopolitan. That’s all.

STAN: It’s not that I’m afraid. It’ s just—

[Stan lights a smoke.]

VELMA: Suddenly you smoke?

STAN: I’ve smoked since the first day you met me.

VELMA: I’m turned off by it.

[Stan snuffs out his cigarette.]

STAN: It’s just that I’d like to keep you and my wife separate.

VELMA: You think you can do that?

STAN: I just now realized that I don’t even know your name.

VELMA: It’s Velma.

STAN: Velma. Interesting. And your last name?

VELMA: I don’t want to reveal that.

STAN: I understand.

[She leans in seductively.]

VELMA: But I am ready to reveal other things to you.

STAN: Such as?

VELMA: Well, you’ll just have to wait.

STAN: But what if I can’t?

VELMA: You must.

STAN: I can’t.

VELMA: I know your wife.

STAN: I don’t believe you.

VELMA: Who do you think set this up? Do you think you did this by yourself?

STAN: I thought so. Yes.

VELMA: It’s because your wife is crafty.

STAN: If she is I wouldn’t know now would I?

VELMA: Perhaps it is time to leave.

STAN: I couldn’t agree more.

VELMA: Do you think it will be difficult for you to return to your wife once you have experienced what I
have to offer?

[Pause.]

STAN: I couldn’t say for sure.

[Pause.]

VELMA: I could. Go home to your wife.

STAN: And you?

VELMA: I’m pregnant.

STAN: Is that so?

VELMA: And moreover, you’re the father.

STAN: So you’ve been faithful to me all this time?

VELMA: Of course. I made a commitment to you before God.

STAN: Shall we go then?

VELMA: We shall.

[The waiter arrives.]

WAITER: Where are you going? I am now ready to recite the specials.

[Stan and Velma exits as lights fade to black.]

END OF PLAY