MOST OF HEATHERS 101

Veronica Heather Chandler Martha

JD Heather Duke Big Dean

Ram Heather McNamara Mr. Sweeny

Kurt Mrs. Flemming Mr. Kelly

All Heathers Side Character(s) +

(​Chorus​)

Beautiful
‘September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary. I believe I'm a good person, y’know, I think there's good in
everybody but here we are: first day of senior year! And uh… I look around at these kids that
I've know all my life and think: what happened?’

(Freak, skank, burn-out, bug-eyes, poser, moron!)

We were so tiny, happy and shiny,

Playing tag and getting chased.

(Freak, skank, greaseball, inbred!)

Singing and clapping, laughing and napping,

Baking cookies, eating paste.

(Redneck, stuck-up, hunchback!)

Then we got bigger, that was the trigger

Like the Huns invading Rome

[Veronica runs into SC by accident]

‘Ugh!’
‘Oh!! Sorry!!’

Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school

This is the thunder dome.

Hold your breath and count the days, we're graduating soon.

(White trash)

College will be paradise if I'm not dead by June.

[Chorus]

But I know life can be beautiful.

I pray for a better way.

If we changed back then, we could change again.

We could be beautiful.

[Another SC gets hurt]

Just not today…

‘Hey, are you okay?’

‘Get away, nerd!’

‘Oh, okay…’

(Freak, skank, airhead, loser, loser, loser!)

Things will be better soon as my letter come from Harvard, Duke, or Brown,

Wake from this coma, take my diploma, then I can blow this town.

Dream of ivy covered walls and smokey french cafés.

‘Watch it!!’

Fight the urge to strike strike a match and set this dump ablaze!

[Ram knocks Veronica’s lunch tray out of her hands]

‘Ooooops!’
Ram Sweeney, third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays… and being a
huge jackass.

‘What did you say to me, dogface?’

‘Ah!! Nothing!!’

[Chorus]

But I know life can be beautiful.

I pray for a better way.

We were kind before, we can be kind once more,

We could be beautiful.

[Martha taps Veronica’s shoulder]

‘Ah!!’​ Hey, Martha.

Hey!

‘Martha Dunstock - my best friend since diapers.

(...)’

‘We on for movie night?’

‘Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail!’

‘I rented “The Princess Bride”!’

‘Ohohohoo, again? Wait, don't you have that memorized by now?’

‘What can I say? I'm a suckered for a happy ending.’

[Kurt comes in, smacking Martha's tray out of her hands]

‘MARTHA DUMPTRUCK! WIDE LOAD! HONK!’

‘Kurt Kelly: Quarterback. He is the smartest guy in the football team… which is kind of like being
the tallest dwarf.”

‘ALL RIGHT!’

‘HEY! Pick that up, right now!”

‘I'm sorry. Are you actually talking to me?’

‘Yes I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend; You're a Highschool
has-been waiting to happen… A future gas station attendant.’

‘You have a zit right there.’

[He points on her forehead, ensemble laugh]

‘Dear Diary’

Why? ​[Held]

Why do they hate me? || Why don't I fight back? || Why do I act like such a creep?

Why? ​[Held]

Why won't he date me? || Why did I hit him? || Why do I cry myself to sleep?

Why? ​[Held]

Somebody hug me, somebody fix me, somebody save me

Give me a sign god, give me some hope here, something to live for.

Ahh, Heather, Heather, and Heather.

‘And then there's the Heathers: they float above it all…’

‘H Mac – ​Head cheerleader. Her dad is loaded, he sells engagement rings.’

‘H Duke – ​‘Runs the yearbook. Her parents sent her to Europe while her nose job healed.’

‘and ​H Chandler –​ “the almighty” - all shall love her and despair’

‘they're solid Teflon: never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.’

‘I'd like to be their boyfriend.’

That would be beautiful

‘If I sat at their table, guys would notice me!’

So beautiful

‘I'd like them to be nicer.’

That would be beautiful

‘I’d like to kidnap a Heather and dress her up in one of my wonder woman outfits.’
[Bathroom scene where Veronica joins the Heathers]

Mac:​ Kurt Kelly was staring at me all through study hall!

Chandler:​ Ugh. Did you tell him to stop?

M:​ No! It was kinda cute, he was like a little puppy at a butcher shop window.

D: ​Arf!​ ​[Imitating Kurt/Dog]

C:​ Arf? Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast?

Duke:​ What, I was being Kurt Kelly!

C:​ Arf? Such a pillowcase.

M:​ Yeah, such.

Ms Fleming:​ ah, Heather, Heather, and Heather, the unholy triumvirate

C:​ T-R-I-U-M-V-I-R-A-T-E, triumvirate.

[Mac and Duke clap]

Fleming:​ Save it for your vocab quiz heather, you’re out past the bell. A week’s detention.

[the Heathers come up with excuses]

Fleming: ​Tough toenails.

V:​ Actually, Ms Fleming… All four of us are out *on* a hall pass. Yearbook… committee.

F: I see you're all listed… hurry up and get where you're going

[Flemming leaves]

This is an excellent forgery. Who *are* you?

Uh… Veronica. Sawyer. I crave a boon.

What boon?

Let me sit at your table just once - no talking nes. If people think you tolerate me then they'll
leave me alone.

[Heathers snicker]

Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes.

How about prescriptions?

Shut up, Heather.

Sorry, Heather.

For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.

And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching
halves… that's very important.

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

And you know, you know, you know

This could be beautiful

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss, and we’re on our way

Get this girl some blush

And Heather I need your brush

Let's make her beautiful

Let's make her beautiful

Let's make her beautiful

Make her beautiful!

Okay?

Okay!

Candy Store-

Are we gonna have a problem? Did zombies eat your brain? You’ve come so far why now are
you yanking on my chain?

I’d normally slap your face off, in front of the whole damn school. But I’m feeling nice, here’s
some advice, listen up fool!

M&D: ​I like!

looking hot, buying stuff they cannot

MD: ​I like!

spending hard, maxing dad’s credit card.

MD: ​I like!

​skipping gym, dissing her, kissing him.

MD: ​I like!

​killer clothes,

kicking nerds in the nose!

If you lack the juice, go play duck-duck-goose,

Let your mommy fix you ice-cream

Or come hang with me, and your night will be

Dirty dancing with the football team.

Woah! Woah! Woah!

Honey what’chu waitin’ for?

Welcome to my candy store!

Time for you to prove you're not a loser anymore

And step into my candy store!

Guys fall

At your feet

Pay the check, help you cheat

All you

Have to do

Is say goodbye to Shamu

That freak’s

Not your friend I can tell in the end

If she

Had your shot

She would leave you to rot!

(chorus and verse 2 the same)

You’ve just gotta prove you’re not a doorknob anymore ​(instead of pussy)

You can join the team, or you can ditch and moan ​(instead of bitch)

You’ve just gotta prove you’re not a girl scout anymore ​(instead of lameass)

Caf scene, post-Veronica meeting JD

Kurt says ‘​Let’s kick his butt!’ ​instead of ‘ass’

Kurt[?]: ​‘Doesn’t this cafeteria have a no sissy-boys allowed rule?’​ (w/ a lisp)

JD: ​‘I don’t know what your problem is, but I bets it’s really hard for you to pronounce’

Fight For Me

Oh my god! Oh my god! Etc. ​(instead of ‘holy shit!’)

Slightly faster tempo during the ‘let them drive us underground bit’?

​Croquet at Veronica’s house

Chandler says: ‘​You basically left a puddle slobbering over that new kid’ ​instead of the
‘throwing your panties’ line

7-11/Freeze Your Brain

Veronica refers to JD as a ‘Baudelaire-quoting tough guy’ ​(instead of badass)

‘it’s my novocaine’ ​instead of ‘who needs cocaine?’ in Freeze Your Brain

After drinking the slurpee, Veronica says: ​‘ow! Fruit of the loom’?

JD whistles the tune after Veronica leaves instead of humming like he does in the bootleg.

Pre-party/Big Fun

Ram’s/Kurt’s dad says: ​‘I’m gonna come back here and knock the sand outta you’ ​(instead of
‘outta your vagina’)

Kurt: ​‘man that suuuCKKKKKKEDDDDDD’ ​(stated with perhaps too much expression)
Big Fun

Ram: ​Dad says act your age, you heard the man, it’s time to rage!

All: ​Blast the bass, turn out the light, ain't nobody home tonight!

Ram: ​Get down it’s all cool, jump right in my heated pool!

All: ​Punch the wall and start a fight, ain't nobody home tonight!

Kurt: ​His folks got a waterbed, come upstairs and rest your head.

Ram: ​Let us cuddle you, while dialing up some pay-per-view!

All: ​The folks are gone, it's time for big fun! We’re up til dawn, having some big fun!

It’s time we overflow that hot tub on the patio!

It's big fun, big fun! Whoo!

After the chorus, instead of talking about shots, H Mac says: ​‘shimmy to the front shimmy
to the back then add a lasso!’

Veronica says: ​‘Why a lasso, are we grouping cattle?’

Mac:​ ‘It’s sexy’

Veronica: ​‘It’s ridiculous!’

Preppy Stud: ​Veronica, you're looking good tonight!

Veronica: ​Whoa. A hot guy smiled at me without a trace of mockery!

All: ​Brainiac cleans up alright! Veronica is hot tonight!

Veronica:​ This night’s all a blur! How did I get so popular?

All: ​Don’t get close, you might ignite! Veronica is hot tonight!

Veronica: ​Dreams are coming true when people laugh but not at you. I'm not alone, I'm not
afraid! I feel like Bono at Live Aid!

All: ​The kitchen sink just broke! And that was big fun!

Do I smell smoke? I call that big fun!

Come out and climb the roof!

Veronica: ​Take a picture, I’ll need proof!

I’m actually having – big fun! Whoo!

Kurt: ​Yo Rottweilers! What is Westerburg gonna do the Razorbacks at Sunday’s game?

Ram:​‘Gonna make em go whee! Whee! Wheee! Whee!’ ​(He's just punching the pig and
acting like it's squealing)

cuts straight to chorus – no awkward H Duke and Ram thing.

All:​ The party’s hot, hot, hot! It's time for big fun!

Kurt: ​Come give my pig a swat!

All: ​We’re having big fun!

The whole dialogue bit here is exactly the same, except that Ram says “​Pffffttttt! GROSS!”
instead of ‘there’s no alcohol in here!’.

All: ​The folks are gone! It's time for big fun! Up til dawn, having some big fun!

So let the speakers blow, they'll buy another stereo! Our folks got no clue ‘bout half the stuff
their children do! ​(‘stuff’ instead of ‘shit’)​ Why are they surprised whenever we're
unsupervised it’s big fun!

Post-Big Fun

No puke. Chandler just bitches on Veronica straight after the pinata incident.

Chandler still says: ​‘where’s the keg?’ ​despite the fact that all of the lines about drinking
were taken out of Big Fun.

Dead Girl Walking

First verse is the exact same.

‘Spend these 30 hrs getting freaky’ ​is still in there

All hope is gone, I’m a dead girl walking

I’m on your lawn, I’m a dead girl walking

Got no time to ​talk​, I’m a dgw ​(instead of ‘knock’)

‘Veronica? What are you doing in my ​house​?’ ​(JD says ‘house’ instead of ‘room’, Veronica
doesn’t shoosh JD. They’re on his couch in the living room instead of his bedroom)

Had to see you, hope I didn’t wake you ​(this is a change to all regional productions)

But I intend to hold you tight until I break you

Cause Heather says I gotsta go

You’re my last meal on death row

Shut your mouth, and lets get down to business, CMON!

Tonight I’m yours, I’m a dgw

Go lock the doors, I’m a dgw

I’ve got one night to kill, before they roast me on the grill

Bow down to the will of a dgw

And you know, you know, you know, it's cause you’re beautiful

You say you’re numb inside, but I can't agree

So the world’s unfair, keep it locked out there

In here it’s beautiful

Let’s make this beautiful!

‘that works for me!’

The sexy-times instrumental is taken out.

Yeaahhhhh, bow down son!

Take this dead girl walking! ​(according to a picture I saw of the script, V says ‘serve your
dead girl walking’ but in the actual performance she says ‘take this’)

JD: ​i don’t really get you!

V:​ Let’s git ‘er done! ​(the script literally reads “git ‘er”)

Kiss this dead girl walking ​(official 101 script says “love this”)

JD: ​but I am glad I met you!

V:​ Disconnect your phone, you and me need time alone (ok, ok)

Kiss away my fear, make this whole town disappear (ok, ok)

Teach me to be brave, I am standing in my grave

No more talking

Love this dgw, love this dgw, love this dg, yeah, yeah, yeah, ow. YEAHHHHHH

(They kiss furiously, the “ow” is her bumping her forehead against his)

Veronica’s Chandler nightmare

Starts w/ Veronicas monologue: ​Dear diary, it’s been a night of milestones. First kiss, first
death sentence. Whatever happens Monday, I guess I deserve it. After all, Martha was a true
friend and I sold her out to Joseph Stalin in stiletto heels.

HC: ​Hello, Veronica.

V: ​How did you get in here?

HC: ​I’m like oxygen. I’m everywhere. Wait till the school hears that you ​spent the night​ with
psycho trenchcoat kid. ​(‘spent the night’ instead of ‘slept’)

V: ​Nothing happened, we fell asleep watching TV!

HC: ​That’s not what I’m gonna tell everyone. You dirty ​slut​!

V: ​Why are you so determined to hurt me!?

HC: ​Because I can. It’ll be so ​very.

Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very!

After V and JD wake up V says ‘aerobicized ​buttcheeks​’ instead of ‘ass’

‘Congratulations. You’re my first boyfriend!’ ​instead of ‘you were my first!’

Heather’s house

After listing the prairie oyster ingredients, Veronica says:​: ugh, disgusting

And after JD tells her his ‘solution’, V says: ​Don’t be a jerk, that stuff will kill her ​(‘jerk’
instead of ‘dick’)

JD: ​Veronica!

V:​ ‘what?’

JD: ​…good luck.

After Heather dies, JD says: ​‘quelle surprise indeed’

The “I was having my period” line is cut out.

Me Inside Of Me

First verse, first chorus and second verse are exactly the same.

Principal Gowan: ​I am more than fun behind the bleachers ​(instead of the ‘handjobs’ line)

Ms Fleming’s part and the chorus that follows is exactly the same.
Heather M: ​Her world seemed like a perfect place…

Hipster dork: ​But friends and toys had no effect!

Young Republicanette: ​That’s why she punched me in the face…

All: ​‘Cause she was desperate to connect!

Veronica starts laughing.

Ms Fleming: ​Veronica? Something on your mind?

Veronica: ​Sorry, I didn't mean to lose control like this. It's just, this classroom discussion has
stirred up emotions I haven't felt since hands across America!

Kurt and Ram say ​“Heather touching me!” ​and punch it in.

The rest is the same, with Heather saying over the top:

Chandler: ​Oh my god! I’m an icon! I’m bigger than John Lennon!

At JD’s place/meeting Big Bud Dean

BBD says:​ ‘Some tribe of withered old ladies’ ​(‘ladies’ instead of ‘bitches’)

BBD: ​‘All because Glenn Miller and his band once slept there’ ​(‘slept’ instead of ‘took a
shit/dump’)

JD: ​Veronica….. this is my dad… Big.. Bud.. Dean. ​(not an actual change but it’s hilarious
how slowly he says it)

JD invites her for dinner instead of BBD.

Last time I sAW MY MOM SHE WAS WAVING OUT OF A LIBRARY WINDOW In Texas
(Again, not a change but he basically yells it)

Post-JD’s place, pasture (instead of cemetery)

Mac says: ​Veronica, I need help. I’m at Lehmann’s farm’ ​on the phone to Veronica

Veronica: ​What’s wrong?

Mac: ​Just hurry up please! It's an emergency.

V: ​‘What are you two doing in the middle of a cow pasture?’

Duke:​ We’re stranded…

Mac:​ Well, we were on our way to the cemetery​ …etc. (‘thunderbird’ line from the original
show)

V: ​There’s nothing out here but…

Ram:​ OK MAN PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT

Kurt:​ COUNT OF THREE

V: ​What are they doing?

Duke: ​What does it look like they’re doing?

K/R: ​ONE, TWO, THREE!

*COW MOOS*

Duke: ​SO immature.

K: ​Look at it lying there! It wants to get up, but it cant!

R: ​Man, it’s so-

K:​ -stupid!

V: ​Look, if you guys needed a ride, you should have told me on the phone. I took the bus here.

D: ​Of course you did.

M: ​It’s okay Veronica, we made a deal with the guys.

V: ​A deal? What kinda deal?

M: ​Well, Kurt said if we got you to show up here, Heather and I could go home, and he’d give us
the car keys.

V: ​Why would they want me here?

M: ​Oh, come on, Veronica, I’ve seen you’re looking at Kurt. You think he’s cute, righhhht?

V: ​No!

M: ​And Ram! Also very cute~

D: ​God, Veronica, do you need a map and a friendly Indian guide? Guys only want one thing.

Ram[?]: ​Hello, ladies.

K?: ​The cows are down for the count and the ladies are up for grabs

D: ​Veronica’s here so we’re leaving! Car keys, now.

M: ​A deal’s a deal.
D: ​Son of a sea captain.

V: ​Don’t. Just. Leave me here with them.

M: ​Have fun!

D: ​Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!

Kurt: ​How’d you like a varsity jacket to wear?

Ram: ​Two varsity jackets. For alternating days of the week.

V: ​I’d rather wear vomit.

R:​ Hey, where do you think you’re going?

K: ​Aww you can’t just leave…

R:​ Not when you’re dressed like that...

V: ​Dressed like that? This is what I always wear.

K: ​Yeah??? And IT’S TORTURE

R: ​How can you expect us to control ourselves when you look like that?

YOU’RE WELCOME

V:​ Dear diary, what words do we use to defuse a suitor with the brains of a boot and the morals
of a looter?

The rational play is to dash and call it a day but these trash, they’re like a car crash – you can’t
look away.

K: ​Hey there girl, avoid this fool, he tries to play cool while he’s dribbling drool.

R: ​Just trying to say in a friendly way that you’ve gotten hotter like every day

​ W!!
K:​ O

R: ​Hey there girl, avoid this punk, he’s hungry for a hunk of the junk in your trunk

K: ​There is no lie, that dog won’t try, when a tasty treat like you walks by, cause

K/R: ​once you were geeky and nerdy, now you’re flirty, freaky, and dirty

​ ou were nothing and nobody...

K​: Y

R:​ ...but now you’re good enough to

K/R: ​get with me! HUH!

You’re welcome, look where you are

You’re welcome, you’ve won football star!

You’re welcome, you can be my queen

The gasoline to my love machine

You’re welcome.

V: ​How do you get through to a pair of suitors who are circling like drunk circus bears on
scooters?

Ram: ​Come back girl, now don’t play hurt,

If you don’t want me starin’, why you wearin’ that skirt?

K​:​ We can’t be tamed and we can’t be blamed

It’s all your fault that we’re inflamed!

K/R: ​Cause once, you were grody and grotty

​ ow you’ve got a body like a Maserati!

R:​ N

R and K:​ Stroke my fur, make me purr-

K: ​Hey! ​You​ wanted to be

R and K: ​popular!

K: ​Hit me!

R: ​HUH!

You’re welcome, look where you are

You’re welcome, come get your football star

You’re welcome, you can be my queen

The gasoline to my love machine

You’re welcome.

V: ​Well, it’s getting late.

R: ​You’re welcome in my lap, welcome on my knee,

K: ​Well, come on and get grabby in the grass with me!

V: ​Is this a test or a jest? Either way, I’m underdressed.

A Kevlar vest and a Taser would be best.

K: ​I’ll steal your heart like a thief,

R: ​Give you sweet relief,

K: ​Call me Wendy cause you never wonder

K/R: ​‘where’s the beef?’

V: ​Before we hit that stage where they give into their id, better borrow a page from the Karate
Kid!

K: ​YOW!

R: ​HUH!

Smile and stay friendly, don’t yell or beg, don’t spark a fire near a powder keg!

Just gently, semi-accidentally sweep the leg.

​ ross! What’d you do that for?

K/R: G

That’s not so nice!

​V: ​Nicer than calling the cops. You’re welcome (x3)

​ amn, I think I’m stuck!

K/R: D

_____ this sunk(???)

Hey girl, it’s no big thing, come try a little MUD WRESTLING!!!

You’re welcome, come and jump right in!

You’re welcome, rub it on your skin!

You’re welcome, baby what’s that smell?

V: ​Manure?

​ o, it’s the smell of me loving you well!

K: N

V: ​Swell.

​ o, I be loving you well

R: N

V: ​See you in hell!

​ o, I be loving you well

K: N

R:​ No, I be-

K:​ I be-

Loving, loving, loving, loving, loving you well!

K, R, V: ​You’re ​welcome!​ (x3)

School the next day-

Chandler: ​well. Look who’s having second thou- thoughts -though *starts choking on drano*

Duke mentions Veronica’s ‘cow pasture make-out session’ instead of ‘three-way’.

JD pops up, like in original, and says ‘make-out session?’

V affirms that nothing happens.

D: ​I’m just reporting what I heard. Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school about how
out-of-control you got last night. They said you were, oh, what was it again? What was the word
they used? Oh yeah-

‘Chainsaw’ replaces ‘Blue (Reprise)’

​ hey said you were-

H. Duke: T

K and R: ​A chainsaw!

Preppy: ​WHATTT?

K: ​Taking off my clothes!

K and R: ​A chainsaw!

Preppy + “another guy” (it’s scripted like that): ​WHAAAT?

R: ​Nearly broke my nose!

R and K: ​A chainsaw!

All guys: ​OW!

R: ​All teeth and claws!

K: ​A cross between​ ​Godzilla​ ​and Jaws!

Ah! Ah ah ah ah ah! X2

Duke: ​Bad choices come back to bite us, we can’t be friends; you’ll give us hepatitis

Goody-two shoes turned out to be, a cow who gives away her milk for free

Ens: ​She’s a chainsaw!

Comin’ after you!

Hey chainsaw!
She won’t stop at two!

Hey chainsaw!

Craves more and more!

Lock your doors ‘cause

Veronica Sawyer’s a-

Hey chainsaw!

Veronica Sawyer’s a-

Hey chainsaw!

Veronica Sawyer’s a

…whore

Our Love Is God

Literally the exact same, EXCEPT for a little bit of dialogue. Veronica says on the phone
that she couldn’t choose which ‘hot gentlemen’ she wanted to be with, and invites Kurt
and Ram to the cemetery, they take off their shirts to reveal crop tops)

After JD kills the jocks, she yells: ​WHAT THE ​HELL​ HAVE YOU DONE??????

****ACT 2****

‘Teen-angst ​bullcrap’

Quite a few lyric changes in Dead Gay Son- probably just improvements/revisions in
general.

Pre-Seventeen

JD says ​‘cannibals’​ instead of​ ‘evil fucks’

‘And when does it end?’ ‘IT DOESN’T!’ ​instead of ‘when every asshole is dead’

Seventeen is the exact same.

Post-Seventeen

No substitute for “fuck me gently with a chainsaw” (just a sharp gasp, then Heather goes
straight to ‘Nancy Drew is onto you, Veronica)

K/R says: ​‘Lady prison – pillowfights!’ ​(instead of ‘girl-on-girl action’)

V says to Martha: ​He didn’t love you- he sucked. He’s dead. MOVE ON!

Martha: ​RAM WAS NOT GAY

Kurt: ​awww

Ram: ​shut up kurt

After Martha says: ​why would he invite me to his homecoming party?,

Ram/Kurt says: ​she ain’t afraid of no

ghosts!

Kurt/Ram: ​That was stone cold – right in the teeth. Bam

Shine a Light-

All the same except for ‘I faked it every time’. Couldn't decipher what they replaced it
with.

Lifeboat is the exact same, pretty sure the lead-up is too.

Post Lifeboat, during/post SAL reprise

‘Heather Mac trusted you…’ ​(Veronica said ‘Mac’ specifically awwww)

Why not end your life? ​(instead of ‘kill yourself’)

When Veronica and Mac are on the ground together, Mac says:​ ‘Suicide’s kinda a private
thing!’

JD’s house, Post-SAL (Reprise)/Jdonica breakup scene

BBD says: ​‘I was playing kissyface with my girlfriend’ ​instead of ‘grab-ass’
‘This’ll go well with a brewski’ ​instead of the drawstring pants bit.

V: ​‘I don’t know who you are anymore!’

JD: ‘​I thought it would be funny!’

V: ​‘To shoot a tv? Yes, hilarious!’

Meant To Be Yours

Those cowards are the key ​(instead of ‘assholes’)

Set loose all that truthful junk inside ​(instead of ‘shit’)

Our destruction may finally get through to you ​(‘destruction’ instead of ‘burned bodies’)

One, two, damn it! ​(instead of ‘FUCK IT!’)

From there on out, it’s pretty much the exact same as the original, except:

Seventeen (Reprise)

Let’s go be seventeen, take off our shoes and dance ​(‘shoes’ instead of ‘clothes’)