THREE'S COMPANY

2X04 - STRANGE BEDFELOWS

Original Airdate (ABC):4-OCT-77

WRITTEN BY PAUL WAYNE & GEORGE BURDITT

DIRECTED BY BILL HOBIN
TRANSCRIPT PROVIDED BY DAIZI FOR "TWIZ TV.COM" - www.twiztv.com

DO NOT ARCHIVE/POST/USE WITHOUT PRIOR PERMISSION!

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TRANSCRIPT:
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Jack: Chrissy, can you sew a button on for me, please?

Chrissy: Oh, I'm sorry, Jack. I've gotta finish packing. Sue Breakman's
going to be here any minute to pick us up.

Jack: Janet…?

Janet: Oh Jack, I'm sorry hon, but I really don't have time.

Jack: Are you really just going to leave me here unbuttoned?

Janet: Oh Jack, I have to take care of the plants, I know you'll forget
while I'm gone.

Jack: Boy I wish you'd care for me the way you care for your plants

Janet: Oh I'm sorry hon. [ sprays him with the water] Feel better?

[ Chrissy is trying to close her suitcase by sitting on it, which in turn is

sitting on the couch]

Janet: Want some help?

Jack: Hold it. After all, who's the man around here. [swaggers over to
Chrissy] All it takes [fiddles with the suitcase, unsuccessfully trying to
close it] is a little…all it takes it…

Janet: Another man??

Jack: Chrissy, what do you have in there?

Chrissy: Well, just a couple of pairs of jeans and some underwear. Three
pairs of pantyhose, three dresses and some toilet things. Four pairs of
shoes two blouses, a curling iron, a traveling iron, a waterpick, a hair
drier, and a nightgown.

[Jack's not impressed]

Jack: ah, don't you think that's a little much, after all you'll only be
going overnight.

Chrissy: You're right, I don’t need the nightgown. [takes the tiniest
nightgown you've ever seen out of the suitcase]

Janet: Oh Chrissy, do you honestly think you need that portable beauty
parlour.

Chrissy: Well, Judy Hogan is going to marry a wealthy, handsome architect.

Judy's one of my best friends so I think it's the least I can do to show up
at her shower looking bette than she does.

Jack: [giving up] I'm sorry.

Janet: Ah, listen Chrissy, put it on the floor. You see Jack, you can close
the bag sitting on the sofa, it should be sitting on a firm surface.

Jack: A firm surface… you're trying to tell me how to pack?

Chrissy: Hey! It works! You are smart, Janet.

Janet: Thank you! 'course Jack could've taken care of it to, if we'd given
him a couple of weeks.

[Doorbell. Janet answers the door]

Mrs. Roper: Hi, Janet. Here's the camera.

Janet: Ooh…you remembered, thank you!

Mrs. Roper: You're welcome.

Janet: Look, Chrissy, it's on of those instant cameras.

Chrissy: oh!

Mrs. Roper: Stanley and I bought it three years ago, we thought it'd be nice
to take pictures of all the interesting places we go to.

Janet: How does it work?

Mrs. Roper: I don't know it's never been used.

Chrissy: Oh I've seen one, it's simple. You just press a button and it goes
to work right away.

Mrs. Roper: Yeah… I wish Stanley had a button like that.

Jack: [grabbing the camera] These things are incredible, all you do is look
through the little viewfinder, push the shutter, wait a moment and the
picture just sort of oozes out. Listen why don't you guys get together, and
I'll take a picture of you!
[the ladies huddle together]

Jack: Alright, now smile, er, no, Janet change places with Mrs. Roper. ok,
that's it. Mrs. Roper scoot down just a little, Chrissy put your arm on your
hip, not you Janet, I'm talking to Chrissy, ok put your hand down it's a bad
idea. Janet look at Chrissy, Chrissy, look at Janet, Mr. Roper look at me.
No, Chrissy turn your head a bit more to Janet. Alright, girls change
places, no,no, back the way it was, it's a hair thing, Mrs. Roper, look at
me. Act natural

Janet: Would you just take the -

[Jack takes the picture]

Jack: well, the picture should be oozing out any second.

Mrs. Roper: Oh. There's no film in the camera.

Jack: In that case it may take a little longer.

[car horn beeps from outside]

Chrissy: Ooh! That's Sue.

Janet: ooh her present, I almost forgot her gift.

Jack: Oh Chrissy, I'll take our bag down for you.

Chrissy: Oh ok, thanks Jack.

[Jack struggle with the heave bag, dragging it out the door]

Jack: It certainly makes a difference without your nightgown.

Mrs. Roper: You know , all this takes me back to all of the parties I used
to go to when I was a girl.

Chrissy: Did you have a bridal shower Mrs. Roper?

Mrs. Roper: Oh sure…well, not so much a shower, more of a drizzle. But that
was ary Milligan's fault, yeah, you see, Stanley was her boyfriend before I
took him away from her.

Chrissy: Oh, did she make a scene?

Mrs. Roper: No, as a matter of fact, all through the shower she never
stopped laughing.

Janet: Here you go, Chrissy. Mrs. Roper we go her this terrific crockpot. We
figured a way to a man's heart was through his stomach.

Mrs. Roper: That's a crock alright.

Jack: (out of breath) Sue's waiting for you downstairs.

Mrs. Roper: Well have a good time, and Jack, well, since you're going to be
on your own tonight, well if you get lonesome, give me a ring.

Jack: Won't that wake Mr. Roper?

Mrs. Roper: That's the idea (winks) [leaves]

Chrissy: Hey. you won't really be lonely will you, Jack?

Jack: Lonely? Just because one is alone?

Janet: Okay, Chrissy, let's go.

Jack: All alone with nobody to talk to, no one to share one's joy's with,
one's woes…

Janet: Alright, I think that's everything.

Jack: Janet, I'm not going to be everything so please get off the subject.

Janet: Bye babe [they kiss]

Jack: Janet?

Janet: uh-uh no more of that poor lonely soul stuff?

Jack: I just want you to know; while you're gone I will talk to your plants.

Janet: Thank you.

Jack: After all I won't have anyone else to talk to.

Janet: Let's go, Chrissy. [leaves]

Jack: All by myself, but don't worry I'll be alright, all alone, in my empty
room.

[Cut to: interior of apartment. There's a party going on, music, filled with
people dancing]

Celise: Jack, you sure know how to throw a party.

Jack: Oh Celise, it sure is nice to see you having fun. In fact, it's nice
to see you doing anything.

Celise: Where are your glasses?

Jack: Hey what are you doing, waiting at the Regal Beagle? This is a party,
I want you to relax and I will serve you for a change.

[ Doorbell]

Celise: But I have everything I need.

Jack: Oh that's true, that's true, that's really true. [ goes to answer the
door]

Mr. Roper: Jack! You know you're driving me crazy?

Jack: Sure! [sings really badly] You are driving me crazy!! Hey, come in,
have a drink.

Mr. Roper: I don't wanna come in.

Jack: Anything you say. [closes the door in Mr. Roper's face]
[loud door knocking, Jack opens the door]

Jack: Change your mind? Sure, come on in!

[ Mr. Roper reluctantly comes in looking around at all the "writhing"

bodies]

Mr. Roper: Jack, if you don't quiet down in here, you'll be out on your ear!

Jack: Oh that's good, you write a lot of poetry?

Mr. Roper: I mean it! The noise…[gets distracted by a guy dancing, twirling
a scarf.] What is that one? Is he a 'friend' of yours?

Jack: [defensively] He's a nice guy.

Mr. Roper: Oh yeah, that's a nice one alright. That's a beauty. Look, why
don't you guys do something quiet, like do each other's hair or something?

Jack: Mr. Roper, why don't you join us for a drink, loosen up and have some
fun?

Mr. Roper: I'm not here to have fun, I'm here cos I want to go to bed!

Jack: I'm sorry, it's not that kind of a party.

Mr. Roper: If Helen hadn't taken a sleeping pill, she'd be up here

complaining too.

Celise: Hello Mr. Roper, [does a sexy dance move] I do hope you can stay.

Mr. Roper: Maybe, just for a minute! [ Grabs Celise and 'dances' with her]
See how nice and quiet we are? why can't you be quiet like this?

[ Jack whispers something to a sexy brunette who goes up close to Mr. Roper]

Brunette: [sexily] Hi…

[Mr. Roper gets al excited and dances with her following her into the
kitchen.]

Jack: Oh Celise, you saved the whole party, I don't know how to thank you.

Celise: You don't?

Jack: I'll think of something.

[ They dance into his bedroom]

[Cut to: the next day. Janet and Chrissy struggle into the apartment lugging
Chrissy's suitcase. The place is a complete and total mess]

Chrissy and Janet: Urghh.

Janet: Good lord!

Chrissy: What happened? It looks like there was an earthquake!

Janet: Well, I certainly hope for Jack's sake that it was!

Chrissy: [holding up a small bra] It looks like somebody left in a hurry.

Janet: [looking in the kitchen] Jack?

Chrissy: Maybe he's asleep.

Janet: [knocking on Jack's bedroom door] Jack? [opens his door and looks
inside before freezing, then closing his door quickly] Let's unpack.

Chrissy: What is it? What did you see in there?

Janet: Oh. er…

[Chrissy opens the door]

[Cut to interior shot of Jack's bedroom. Jack is asleep with his arm around
a body]

Chrissy: [closing the door, and waving the bra] huh! Looks like she didn't
leave in such a hurry after all.

Janet: Boy this does it, this really does it!

Chrissy: I would never have believed this of Jack!

Janet: Oh Chrissy, why not? It's about time you realized, Jack is NO saint!
He's got the same desires as any normal man.

Chrissy: What's that supposed to mean?

Janet: He's an animal.

Chrissy: Hey, wait a minute, Janet. Aren't we overreacting?

Janet: You mean this is alright with you?

Chrissy: Of course not! I mean the last thing we need is another girl…

Janet: Right!

Chrissy: But still….

Janet: Still what?

Chrissy: ..he does live here.

Janet: Well, so do we.

Chrissy: And he does pay a third of the rent. And that is HIS bedroom.

Janet: Yeah, yeah.

Chrissy: And Janet, I don't like this any more than you do but it is Jack's
life and we've got no right to interfere.

Janet: You're right, I suppose.

Chrissy: And remember, what happens between two consulting adults in the
privacy of their own home…

Janet: Chrissy….that's consenting adults.

Chrissy: [rolls her eyes] I know, but first they have to consult or else
they wouldn't know what they were consenting to!

Janet: [laughing] You really got me there.

Chrissy: So, what do you say we put the whole thing out of our minds and
clean up this mess.

Janet: Oh, we might as well.

[Janet starts cleaning up]

Chrissy: Who do you think he's got in there with him?

Janet: I don't know and I don't care…do you supposed it's anyone we know?
Sylvia!

Chrissy: Who's Sylvia?

Janet: Sylvia! The blonde! The blonde with the sports car!

Chrissy: I saw her last week. She was driving around with her top down.

Janet: [gasp] well, I bet she was!

Chrissy: Hang on, wait a minute! It was his party why are we cleaning up the
mess?

Janet: Oh you're right. I've had enough.

Chrissy: And I've had enough.

Janet: And I think Jack's had enough, let's go.

[both walk into his bedroom]

Janet: Alright, loverboy, rise and shine!

[Chrissy lifts up his leg by pulling his sock]

Chrissy: Get up! the party's over!

Jack: Wha??? Owwwwwww. Where's my pillow?

Janet: It's right under your head.

Jack: Where's my head?

Chrissy: Get up and tell you friend to get lost.

Jack: Wha? My fwen…my flen…my …wait a minute, my tongue hasn't gotten up

yet.

Janet: Now listen to me Buster. We are giving you sixty seconds to get her
outta here.

Chrissy: And we don't want to embrass anyone so we'll be in the kitchen.

Come on, Janet.

Janet: Ok. [in jack's face] sixty seconds!!

[the girls storm out of the bedroom. Jack lies there rubbing his eyes waking
u and turn his head and sees the lump lying next to him as though he's only
just noticed it. He thinks a little and then realizes who it is…]

Jack: Honey? Sweetheart? Babydoll? [Pulls back the sheet to reveal….Mr

Roper! He covers him up again. Jack pokes him hard on the shoulder]

Mr. Roper: [his eyes still closed] Not tonight, Helen, I have a headache.

Jack: Oh boy, Mr. Roper? Mr. Roper! [taps him hard on the shoulder]

[Mr. Roper wakes up and sees Jack and is shocked! He turns back on his side
and shuts his eyes]

Mr. Roper: Helen, you won't believe what a nightmare I've just had!

Jack: Mr. Roper, Mr. Roper, come on, wake up! Hey!

Mr. Roper: Oh my God! What've you done with Helen?

Jack: Mr. Roper, uh…

Mr. Roper: What are you doing HERE?

Jack: Uh, this is MY bed.

Mr. Roper: [jumps out of the bed] Oh My God! [pulls the sheet up to cover
his dressed body] How did you get me up here?

Jack: You had a lot to drink last night, you probably passed out.

Mr. Roper: I never pass out.

Jack: What are you in my bed?

Mr. Roper: I must've passed out.

Jack: The last thing I remember… I was doing the hustle with somebo…

Mr. Roper: This is awful! [throws the sheet down]

Jack: What?

Mr. Roper: My being in bed with you and you being a …a…

Jack: …Tinkerbell?

Mr. Roper: People are liable to get the wrong idea.

Jack: Yeah, I see what you mean.

Mr. Roper: [ sitting back down on the bed] Listen

Jack: [ moving up close to Mr. Roper] Yes…?

Mr. Roper: [Jumping off the bed] You've gotta promise me something. That
we'll ust keep it between the two of us.

Jack: What happened here will never leave these lips.

Mr. Roper: I appreciate it.

Jack: Of course I can't vouch or all the blabbermouths at the party last
night.

Mr. Roper: What?

Jack: Not to worry, most of them were your friends from the Regal Beagle

Mr. Roper: Oh my god! [picks up his shoes] I gotta get outta here. The
girls. The girls went to San Diego right?

Jack: Right. And they got back a few minutes ago.

Mr. Roper: The window!

Jack: It won't open. You still haven't fixed it.

Mr. Roper: I'm trapped!

Jack: Mr. Roper, the girls are in the kitchen, so you can just sneak out and
they won't see ya.

Mr. Roper: Good. This never happened. Right?

Jack: Right. And thank you for a lovely evening. [Jack pulls the sheet up to
his chin and bats his eyes]

[Cut to: lounge room. Mr. Roper sneaks out of Jack's bedroom just as the
girls come out of the kitchen, seeing him]

Chrissy:[laughs]

[Mr. Roper pretends to be 'testing' the floorboards, bouncing up and down]

Mr. Roper: You've got a loose floorboard here. I just came up to inspect it.
That's why I'm not wearing my shoes. My feet are much closer to the
ground..my shoes..[descends into mumbling]. The reason I didn't ring the
bells was I knew you were in San diego and you wouldn't here it down there.

[the girls laugh]

Mr. Roper: What's so funny?

Janet: I'm sorry Mr. Roper, but we saw you coming out of Jack's room.
[continues to laugh]

Mr. Roper: Oh! Oh that ! I've got a very good explanation for that.

Janet: No, no, you don't need to explain anything to us.

Mr. Roper: But I want to!

Janet: It's none of our business.

Chrissy: Anyway. We know what we saw.

Mr. Roper: It's not what you think.

[Doorbell rings]

Mr. Roper: Don't answer that!

Janet: Why not?

Mr. Roper: Cos it might be somebody at the door!

Janet: Look, now, Mr. Roper. Would you relax? Nobody cares if you're up
here.

[Janet goes to answer the door, it's Mrs. Roper]

Mrs. Roper: Janet! I'm so worried, Stanley… [See Mr. Roper] Stanley? [He
pretends not to see here, cleaning his shoes with his sweater] Where have
you been all night?

Mr. Roper: Why do you ask that, Helen?

Mrs. Roper: Why do I ask that? I just got up and saw you hadn't been in bed
all night.

Mr. Roper: And you got worried?

Mrs. Roper: Of course I got worried! After all, sleeping is your favourite
hobby.

Mr. Roper: I, er…see, I um, I, er…I slept up here last night.

Mrs. Roper: Up here?

Mr. Roper: Yuh. On the couch.

Mrs. Roper: Oh.

[Jack comes out of his room, dressed]

Jack: Good Morning, Mrs. Roper.

Mrs. Roper: Oh, Good morning, Jack.

Mr. Roper: Oh, Hi Jack! How've you been? I haven't seen you for awhile.

Jack: Here's the wallet you left in my bed. [hands him the wallet]

Mrs. Roper: I thought you said you slept on the couch.

Mr. Roper: Well, I, er I, yeah, I, I, I, I, …..

Janet: Come on Chrissy…Come one!!

Chrissy: I wanna see what he's got to say. [the girls you into their room]

Jack: I better go too.

Mr. Roper: You better stay, you're my only witness.

Mrs. Roper: I want to know why you lied to me just now.

Mr. Roper: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. This is it, so help me… Jack
gave a party last night and I came up here…but not to have a good time.

Mrs. Roper: I believe that.

Mr. Roper:Then somebody offered my a drink…and then another…and another. And
you know I can't take more than two drinks.

Mrs. Roper: yes, I know, Stanley.

Mr. Roper: So, I must've passed out because next thing I remember, I woke up
this morning in Jack's bed.

Mrs. Roper: Oh. I understand.

Mr. Roper: You don't believe me!

Mrs. Roper: Yes, I do.

Mr. Roper: No you don't. You don't believe me, the girls don't believe me,
nobody believes me!

Mrs. Roper: You're being ridiculous

Mr. Roper: Hey, what if, what if word of this gets out

Jack: Hey, don't worry, I told you I won’t tell anybody.

Chrissy: [pops her bed out of her bedroom] neither will we, we promise.
[Janet pulls her back in]

Mr. Roper: What about everybody at the party?

[doorbell rings]

Jack: Mr. Roper, that gang from the Regal Beagle were so high last night,
they won't even remember you were here.

[Jack, pulling a bra off the handle, answers the door. It's Celise.]

Celise: Hi, Jack

Jack: Hi, Celise.

Celise: I left something here last night and I…

Jack: Say no more..[hands her the tiny bra]

Celise: [looking down at her 'ample bosom'] You gotta be kidding. [see Mr.
Roper] Mr. Roper! I couldn't believe what you did last night!

Mr. Roper: what did I do?

Celise: You don't remember? The way you and Jack were carrying on?

Mr. Roper: Oh my god!

Celise: We couldn't get over it. You really surprised everybody.

Janet: [rushing out into the lounge room with Chrissy] What did he do?

Mr. Roper: I don't want to hear this. [runs into the kitchen, covering his
ears]

Celise: Is he alright?
Mrs. Roper: I don't think he knows what he is right now. Well, go on how did
he surprise everyone?

Jack: Excuse me [goes into the kitchen]

Cut to: Kitchen.

Jack: Mr. Roper.

Mr. Roper: Don't talk to me

Jack: Oh come on, it's not as bad as you think.

Mr. Roper: How could it be worse?

Jack: You could be dead!

Mr. Roper: that would be better, I'm so ashamed.

Jack: Oh come on, hey…

Mr. Roper: Look, I can't even step outside my house without people pointing
at me, telling stories behind my back. My wife! My won wife who's always
looked up to me, as a man. I don’t know what to do.

Jack: [looking conflicted] Mr. Roper.

Mr. Roper: I'm so ashamed. Don't so anything, there's nothing you can say
that's going to help me.

Jack: Yes, there is. I'm not gay.

Mr. Roper: What?

Jack: I'm not gay. It's just a made up story so you would let me live here
with the girls.

Mr. Roper: Really?

Jack: It's true. I'm straight.

Mr. Roper: If you're straight… then I'm the king of Siam…and YOU'RE the
queen. [goes into the lounge room]

Cut to: Lounge room.

Celise: and just as the party started to sag, Jack and Mr Roper started
to…hey, I was just about to tell them what you did.

Mr. Roper: See? It's starting already. I'm ruined.

Celise: [sings] I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle.
Here is my spout.

Mr. Roper: Never mind the singing, tell them happened, tell the whole world
I don't care anymore.

Celise: haha it was so cute, I'm a little teapot…

Mr. Roper: Alright, get on with it, get on with it, what else did I do?
Celise: That's it, you said that's the only song you knew all the words to,
you and Jack kept singing it all night long.

Jack: [mock dramatic] I'm so ashamed!!!

Mr. Roper: Jack, there's no reason to be ashamed..so, I was cute huh?

Celise: adorable, I guess you didn't know how talentd your husband is.

Mrs. Roper: Stanley keeps his talents well hidden.

Mr. Roper: You know me, Helen.I don't like to flaunt it.

Mrs. Roper: You can say that again.

Celise: Oh here it is, my earring, I knew I left it here. [to Mr. Roper]
It's all your fault, you little ear nibbler you. Well, goodbye all, remember
me next time you have a party.

Jack: I'll see you at the Beagle.

Janet: see you Celise.

Mrs. Roper: So the little teapot has taken up ear nibbling. Come on,
Stanley.

Mr. Roper: Wait a minute, Helen, I was thinking…

Mrs. Roper: So was I, about breaking your spout.

Mr. Roper: No no, there's something I have to straighten out, you stay
there. Jack, the stuff that you were telling me, about how you tricked me so
you could live up here.

Jack: Oh, oh that.

Chrissy: What did you tell him?

Jack: ah, that I was straight.

Mr. Roper: Now if that were true, and you are living here with them, I would
have to throw ya outta here!

Chrissy/Janet/Mrs. Roper: Now, wait…

Mr. Roper: Now, why would he say something that wasn't true if it was true,
huh?

Chrissy/Janet/Mrs. Roper: well, er,…

Mr. Roper: I'll tell you why! He did it for me. He did it to get me off the
hook. He's a decent person. Now I don't approve of what you stand for. But
in my book you're alright.

[ Ropers leave]

Cut to: late. Jack's massaging Janet's foot.

Janet: oh yeah, now the other one.

Jack: Only one foot to a person

Chrissy: Jack did you ever find out who left this bra here.

Jack: No, all I remember she dashed out the door right at the stroke of
midnight.

Janet: Why?

Jack: Beats me. But I think I'll ride through the kingdom today and the
first person it fits, I'll marry. [ falls over] Maybe I'll just stick around
the house. Chrissy, would you rub this toe here?

End.

Guest Starring
Starring:
John Ritter as Jack Tripper
Joyce DeWitt as Janet Wood
Suzanne Somers as Chrissy Snow
Audra Lindley as Helen Roper
Norman Fell as Stanley Roper
Guest Starring:
Karen Smith-Bercovich as Celise.

Executive Producers:
Ted Bergmann
Don Taffner