The On Again, Off Again Romantic Life

Of a Cutthroat Repoman
Written by Andrew S

Directed by Andrew S

CAST

Gregor Renaro-Main- A skittish, Anti Social Xenophobe who

has problems meeting people, but enjoys repossessing
things. Conservative Christian

Joshua Holmes-Main- A very personable man who enjoys a

"Good" drink. Most of the time he is drunk or drinking.
Does not operate well when sober, and is Gregor's best
friend. Agnostic Conservative

Justin Frances "Repoman"- Main- Gregor and Josh's other

friend. Often does anything they want him to do. He works
with Gregor all the time and is his Driver on the job.
Christian Conservative

Renee Hutchings-Secondary- The Country girl who hates the

Government. Doesn't pay bills and is Homophobic as much as
she is Anti-Liberal. Pro-Life Catholic.

Steve Mercer-Main- Liberal Scientologist faction leader.

Very rich, but uses his lawyer to avoid bills, and uses
Gary's expert law skills to obtain Tax-Exempt status. (Evil)

Gary Sweren-Main- Top of the Scientologist's legal team.

Distributed solely to help out Mercer on his current
Project. Keeps in contact with the Scientologist leader,
and follows Mercer everywhere.

EXTRAS (Can double role with other extras)

5 Scientologists
5 Marines
Random Informant
8 Liberalists
3 Police officers
Waitress
Bartender
 Act One Scene One
Location: Renee's house. Renaro is hand carting boxes in
and out of the house after he comes in.

(Van pulls up)

Justin: 2727 Maple Lane. Enjoy your stealing, Renaro

Renaro: Oh, Justin. It's repossessing!

Justin: Whatever… I'll be out here

(Renaro jumps out, someone peering from interior shades)

* Renee's Perspective*

Renee: …Crap…

(Knocking)
*Back to Renaro heading towards the house*

Renaro: Ms. Hutchings! You haven’t paid you’re your bills!

You missed your last chance!

Renee: (Opens Door) Just take care of it

Renaro (Mumbling) (Looking at chart, putting tags on

furniture)

Renee: So how does it feel taking all my stuff?

Renaro: Not all of your stuff, the house and a few other
things are yours.

Renee: Well…. Do you find any self-glorifying in this job?

(Pause) you thirsty?

Renaro: Not really… wait, glory? I’m a repoman. Everyone

hates me. I’ve been shot at about 17 times. Pellet guns,
paintball guns, tazers, mace, pepperball, crossbows, you
name it! But I do my job BECAUSE It’s a job! Not for
Glorification!

(For the next 2-5 minutes, Renaro is hand carting boxes

into the Foyer. Renee puts her hand on the boxes and looks
saddened.)
(There is a news report on TV about Rogue Scientologist and
Liberal action in the area.)

Renaro: (Pointing and counting boxes) (Looks at list, then

to Renee) One more thing
(He gets close to her faces, sensitively brushes the hair
out of her face. Renee sighs, eyes glow with anticipation
and then Renaro takes her glasses nonchalantly.)

(Renee has a confused expression as Renaro starts wheeling

carts outside and loads everything in the van. Justin helps
out)

Justin: Wow you could'a had her right there! You always
have to turn everyone off!

Renaro: I'm a repoman. You know how work gets in the way!
Remember the last girl?

Justin: (Laughing) Oh yeah! And the stuff she did to her!

Renaro: … ha, funny. I don't want to ever do that to a

woman again.

Justin: Fair enough. Anyway, I was thinking of playing a

game of poker tonight, if you'd- Whoa! Someone's in a hurry!

(a car rips down the street, tires squealing. Turns into

the driveway and stops. 3 cloaked figures rush out and run
into the house. Renee screams and is carried out of the
house and shoved into the trunk of the car, and the figures
get into the car and drive off.)

(A pin is left on the driveway)

Justin: What the hell!

(Renaro picks up the pin)

Justin: What is it?

Renaro: (Trembling with anger) SCIENTOLOGISTS!

SCENE TWO
(A Restaurant in the basement of Renaro’s apartment named
The 80’s Pit. Renaro is eating chicken and drinking coke
while Joshua is, as usually, guzzling Cold Ones and eating
nuts at the bar. The bartender is busy micro waving food
and serving other customers. A game of pool is going on in
the background and people are chatting away.)

Josh: Hoi there tender; Nuther one for me?

Bartender: Haven’t you had enough

(Josh looks enraged)
(Before he yells Renaro cuts him off.)

Renaro: You really don’t want to deny his beer.

Tender: I see… here’s another one

(Tender walks off)

Renaro: That was close

Josh: Yeah, I almost lost it. (Beer placed in front of

him) That’s better! (Grins crazily) So, you going out after
her?

Renaro: NO! (Slams hand on table)… It’s those

Scientologists! I’m slightly NOT hating them when they
don’t show their faces, but in fact hate it when they show
themselves, let alone kidnap someone in front of my very
eyes!

Josh: If you saved her, you COULD have a girlfriend, you

know. It’s the whole hero concept. Once, this girl was-

Renaro: Do you think I actually care? You know what I feel

about scientologists. Remember when they were proposing a
new church in the community?

Josh: Oh yeah… I don’t want to remember that day

Renaro: Me neither. (Pause) GAHHHH!!!! Those Scientologists

MUST be close…. It’s like… I can smell them! I WANT THEM
GONE!

Josh:… You have a lot of pointless rage in you.

Renaro: I’ve been trying to stop, but it’s the one thing on
my mind. You know those newscasts about the Liberal party
slowly joining with the Scientologists! Even the Public
Access Cable Channels are overtaken by preaching… and
Seminars… and Propaganda! I don’t give a crap about Xenus!
I wanna watch TV!!!! (Pauses) We seriously have to do
something.

Josh: I agree

Renaro: Really? I thought you said you were indifferent

about Scientologists.

Josh: No, I hate em as much as the next guy. It was also

VERY fun to see you rant, get drunk, and pass out after
screaming for 3 hours straight. Everyone at the bar used to
place bets to see how far you’d get before you just sat
down and slept.

Renaro: So that’s how you got that money…. You sure know me
well.
(pause)

Josh: (Pat’s shoulder and gets up) Well… I’ll get something
done. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but be ready whenever.

Renaro: Where are you going? You need to pay your tab still!

Josh: You deal with it!

(Renaro waves to the Tender, Tender comes with bill)

(Renaro looks at slip of paper, eyes grow wide with
astonishment, and pulls a large wad of cash from his wallet)

Renaro: This should cover half… You know where to get me

for the rest.
(Gets up and leaves)

SCENE 3
(Renaro in bed, wearing his street clothes still, clock
reads 3:10, the phone rings)

Josh: Got any beer?

Renaro: (Still Sleepy) Wahhhhh…? It’s 4, no.. 3 AM! Why are

you calling?
Josh: Get outside.

Renaro: This better be important… I have work in the morning

Josh: Don’t worry, I’ve already gotten you 3 weeks off
unpaid vacation

Renaro: WHAT?!?! You better have my 2 grand!

Josh: You won’t need it. Come on!

(Renaro jumps out of bed, gets his jacket on and runs

outside. He is a bit clumsy down the stairs)

(Van idling in parking lot)

(Josh standing outside)

Josh: Yo! Renaro! Hop in!

Renaro:(goes into van) Oh, hey Justin. How’d he drag you

into this?

Justin: Same way he always does… the promise of money,

glory, and a sense of doing good.

Renaro: It all ends in tears all the time, you know. It IS

Josh.

Josh: I’m right here.

Renaro: So?

Josh: Right. Well, anyway, I dragged you both here for a

reason. And that reason is simply getting rid of a problem
that has been scouring humanity since 1954.

Renaro: Global warming?

Justin: Dolphin overfishing?

Josh: … No, and no.

Justin (Silently, snaps fingers) Damn!

Renaro: So what is it?

Josh: In the year 1954, a Science fiction novelist, John

Hubbard, needed a way to make money. To do so, he created
Scientology. Since it perception, Scientologists have
undermined the Government in order to make their churches
Tax-Exempt, they’ve murdered, and been an overall Nuisance.
Renaro: And?

Josh: It’s our turn! Recently, a Scientologist minister

slash Liberal speaker, named Steve Mercer, has been touring
the countries of the world in order to fund a project he
calls “Operation Xenus Smackdown”. Of course, this is total
bull, and the Scientologists AND Liberals want the money
for their own dirty, dirty reasons.

Renaro: So how do we deal with it?

Josh: Basically, he’s having a tour of every area that may

have either Scientologists or Liberal investors in order to
fuel his dirty evil schemes used to gain dirty, dirty money
for his own dirty self-esteem.

Justin: So basically we’re going to… follow… him everywhere

he goes?

Renaro: Isn’t that stalking?

Josh: More or less, you could say that, or taking an

interest in a potentially hazardous person… (Starts looking
confused) to the minds… of our children…

Renaro:… What?

Josh: Never mind! I’ve got some intel from someone on the
inside: Mercer is going to be showing his face to a small
group of Scientologists in a small town library. We can
probably stop and listen in on that meeting. And Renaro…

Renaro: Yes?

Josh: If we go, PLEASE keep a low profile…

Renaro: Exactly, IF we go. You sure I want to do this?

(Josh and Justin): Of course (Justin) We know how much you

hate both Scientologists AND Liberals.

Renaro: Right… so, when are we leaving?

Josh: Justin, please start the car, we have a meeting to
crash.

Justin: Aye aye…

(Starts car and drives away)

Act Two
Scene One
(This scene takes place in a library conference room.
Mercer is wearing a sharp suit while giving a message to
the gathering with emphasizing movements. Gary Sweren, who
looks like an emotionally empty accountant, is busy taking
notes on a typewriter whenever Mercer talks. Justin is
wearing a completely ridiculous costume with a top hat that
has a lens in it.)

(Being carried on from current conversation) … That, in

fact, M C Hammer’s song does NOT apply to Xenus, and we can
in fact touch him and we can in fact take him down! With,
of course, your financial aid and support, as you are the
most beloved of Scientologists.

(Crowd mumbles in agreement)

Mercer: I’d also like to add that our foundation is an open

community, and we wish to welcome you ALL as new members of
Scientology.

(Crowd looks at each other, smiles, and mumbles again in

agreement)

Mercer: And, in bidding you goodbye, I also trust that you

will help us regain the Federation of Planets from the
Evils of Xenus by helping rid yourselves of the lost alien
souls.

(Crowd all gets up and leaves, Justin comes up and talks to

Mercer)

Justin: (In horrible accent) So, Ven do you believe you

will be spheaking again? I velt so much… positive…
soulitude… from your speech. I must vere you again.
Mercer: Well, it’s just great to hear you, a fellow
Scientologist, feel so much from me, a lowly minister. But
I am showing myself in Minneapolis, Minnesota next
Wednesday at 3 if you wish to stop by. I will be speaking
again, in more detail, about my, no, OUR project and goal
as Scientologists to take down Xenu’s evil influence.

Justin: (Twitching) Vell, I can’t Vait to here you again.

Tatty byes
(Justin leaves)

Mercer: Gary, how’s our money situation?

Sweren: (Getting up from Typewriter) Well… We just made

about 5,000 dollars straight and a couple hundred in
securities, but I’ll see what the brokers can do with that.

Mercer: *Zooms in* Great (Grinning)

(Meanwhile, Justin is taking off his costume and talking to

Josh and Renaro)

Justin: It was PAINFUL man, I can’t believe I sat with

those people for 4 hours…

Josh: Well, I had to view the feed and Renaro… Probably

would have mudered everyone.

Renaro: Darn Tootin

Justin: I see… Well, anyway, as you saw, they seem to be

trying to raise a lot of money for something, and I’m
afraid it might not be personal. I think they actually have
a project going on or something.

Renaro: I heard somewhere that Mercer was shunned by other

Scientologists because of his truthful actions, and his
alliance to Liberals.

Josh: Painful alliance at that… where’s the next meeting

again?

Justin: Minneapolis
Josh: Great! Now lets go out for some beers and head out!

Scene 2
(Inside a small bar, chatting away at the table. Josh has 3
empty bottles in front of him, and the waitress drops
another two by. Renaro is sipping a bottle while Justin is
having a conversation with said waitress)

Justin: Hey sweetie, wanna party like it’s 1999?

(He is promptly slapped and the waitress breaks the tray
over his head)

Justin: Damn! So close!

Renaro: You really don’t have a way with women do you…

Justin: I’ve had… (Counts on fingers) 3 girlfriends.

Renaro: Let’s see, two were foreign exchange students who

didn’t understand your (Uses fingers to emphasize) “Sweet
talk” and one was an FBI spy to see if you actually had a
pile of dead babies in your basement.

Justin: Fun time. She paid for my dinner

Josh: Wellllll… that makes four, I think we should Skitty

Renaro: Right then. Justin, you take the bill. We’ll head
off to Minnesota in a few minutes. We should get there in…
uhh… Josh, what’s our ETA?

Josh: About 12 hours

Renaro: 12 hours then! We can go over our battle plan then

Justin: Who drives?

Renaro: Well… Josh has had four beers… which means he’s in
his prime. SO I think he’ll have a go. Justin, you can have
the night shift, and I’ll just take the third one.

Josh: (walks off) Time to go!

(Renaro joins him)

Justin: What about the bill? Guys? Guys!

*Fade out*
Scene 3
Takes place in the back of Justin's van. Renaro is sleeping
and Josh is looking out the window in the passenger seat.
Everyone looks very tired, except Justin who takes big
gulps of drink now and then

Justin: Hey… hey Renaro, wake up! (Renaro doesn't move)

Josh, help me out a little

Josh: (Shakes head and looks behind him to Renaro) Renaro?

Renaro? Renaro? Renaro? Renaro?

Justin: Just freaking punch him!

(Josh punches Renaro)

Renaro: OW DARNET! Crap Josh, you suck at waking people up.

Josh: As homely as ever. Rise and shine, lil missy.

*Outside the car, A sign says entering Minneapolis*

Josh: Well hay, we're almost there… What time is it?

Renaro: Uhh… the yay side of 3 o clock.

Josh: Oh fudge we're late!

Renaro: Step on it!!!

(Squealing tire sound and Renaro is thrown backwards)

Renaro: Yaaa!!!

(flashes to them in front of another building)

(Justin is wiping off the windshield, Renaro and Josh look
surprised)

Josh: Well… here we are… great driving job Justin…

Renaro: Those poor cats…

Justin: Aww, shut up. I didn't see them and you told me to
step on it!

Josh: Right then… anyway, Renaro, do you want to go in this

time?
Renaro: Actually… yes.
Josh: Justin, frisk him for knives

Justin: Grumbles

(Justin goes through Renaros pockets, takes out chains,

knives, and a baseball bat)

Renaro: I still want to go…

Justin: As long as you promise not to go crazy on him…

Renaro: Don't worry; I'll take some beaver tranqs.

Scene 4
(Inside the meeting, Mercer is giving a very emphasized
speech about scientology, along with his "Operation: Xenu
Smackdown". There are more people than the first time.
Renaro is wearing a blue suit jacket and looks strangely
relaxed)