Faith Anne C.

Mariano
Grade 12 ABM

Reflection essay: The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

1. I, myself have lost many material things that maybe held great importance to me
because some were one-of-a-kind things, and some were not but still held a place in my
heart because they were things that I thought had a wonderful purpose and it was great to
have those in my life. Well, before I literally lost it or it lost its place in my heart.
I suppose that the greatest thing that I ever treasured was not a thing, but a person. It
has been 4 years since I came back home and 4 years since my grandfather died. I’ve
never experienced a loss and when he died, that was a first for me. So it was shocking
and confusing and I didn’t know what to feel as I just came back home, because I wanted
to catch up and spend time with him, and just like that he’s gone. I cried all the time and
went absent from my new school for a while even though I just started. Everything was
numb to the point that I persisted to go to the ICU and get to see him give his final breath
as my mom, her siblings, and my widowed grandmother finally agree to switch off the
machines that were the only things keeping him alive. I never wanted to leave the coffin’s
side. As the coffin was lowered into the ground, I realize that they’re burying 71 year old
knowledge never to be seen again. It felt like the world was coming to an end.
After a few days, it hit me that I was such a crybaby. Come to think of it, the more
affected person here was my grandma and my mom and her siblings. It’s hard to be
strong for the weaker people when you yourself are also weak. As a coping mechanism,
for the past 4 years, I’ve been saying to myself: “You’ll see him in heaven. He just went
first.” I feel lucky to have seen him go, I don’t regret it. Out of his only 5 grandchildren,
only I was able to go. Like Edward, I truly felt what it was to love and treasure a person
very much.

2. Abilene
Since she found Edward again at the end, I think that when she lost Edward as a child on
the ship she would’ve reacted like what a child would when they lose a toy. Of course for
children, losing a toy they love is like the world is crashing down on them. We’ve all
been children once and we know what this feels. Growing up, I think that she had a hard
time moving on and trying to put back the memory of Edward going overboard in the
back of her mind. Going through adulthood, as she went on with life, she probably still
has slightly faded memories and feelings of care for Edward. As new people entered her
life, she might have compared them to her feelings for Edward then. Like, “Are they
worth loving like I loved Edward before?” At one point, she might’ve had a hard time
defining what loving an actual person was like. I guess, she never quite moved on from
Edward because at the end, it was shown that Edward’s watch was still with her in the
form of a necklace.

Lawrence and Nellie

Compared to Abilene, they’re an elderly couple who has had probably more experience.
They have experienced the loss of a child and missing their other 2 children. I think that
 when Edward was taken from them, they were greatly distressed. Of course, Nellie loved
Edward in the form of Susanna and Lawrence was also happy that his wife was joyful
ever since Edward was caught in his net. Edward made up for the elderly couple’s years
of loneliness. I think that their children must fix their bond with their Nellie and
Lawrence before it’s too late, especially their eldest, Lolly.

Bull and Lucy

Knowing that Bull is a hobo and finds his home from place to place, with his dog
companion Lucy, I think that he found a home in Edward or rather Malone. He treated
Edward as family because he misses his own who’s far away. I’m not quite sure why he
became a hobo but maybe he’s been sent out by the very family whom he loves. He
found comfort in Edward and so do his other hobo friends. They tell stories about their
own families and Edward happily listens. On an unfortunate night, I bet Bull felt
extremely distraught and a whirlwind of emotions: anger, sadness, confusion, maybe
more. He just got abruptly awoken and kicked out harshly from his temporary sleeping
spot and suddenly, Malone just disappeared. I’m sure after that night, he still finds
comfort in Lucy but both are heartbroken because of a loss of a family member. He
probably felt déjà vu. He got kicked out and lost Edward just like when he was probably
kicked by his own family and lost his way back to them.

Bryce and Sarah Ruth

These 2 kids have been through a lot. Since the loss of their mother, Bryce, I think has
been searching and making ways to support himself and his sister, Sarah Ruth. Sarah has
been ill and Bryce took up the job of a farm boy in which he saw Edward, who was rather
Clyde then nailed onto a scarecrow post. Seeing the china rabbit, Bryce took Edward
home as it can be a good way for Sarah Ruth to cope with her illness and with the feeling
of being unable to go out of the house. Edward, now Jangles, has brought happiness and
joy not only to Sarah Ruth but also to Bryce. They danced with Jangles just as they did
back then with their mother. I think both siblings found comfort and safe because of
Jangles from their absentee drunkard of a father. Edward kept them happy and reduced
their sadness until Sarah Ruth’s final breath. He cushioned the fall a bit.
As for Bryce, who continued on in finding a living, brought Jangles to the city and
made him dance on the street as a puppet. The people there particularly didn’t like what
he was doing. They frowned and made fun of it. But, Bryce kept on doing it because it
was as if he was doing it for Sarah Ruth and his mother. Jangles and dancing, I bet these
things were both very precious things close to his heart. He desperately wanted to fix
Edward up even though he knew he didn’t have the money. I think that when Lucius
Clarke told him forbid him to stop seeing Edward, Bryce probably felt that he was the
last of his family and lost the only thing connected to Sarah Ruth and his memory of
them dancing with their mom.

3. Chapter 10 ½

AS LOLLY GOT BACK INTO THE TRUCK, she looked at the dumps once more.
“That oughtta teach them that babying that rabbit child is making them crazy.” She
muttered under her breath as she drove away from the heaps of garbage.
 During the ride back, Lolly thought, and thought, and thought. What did that china
rabbit have that made her parents lovingly care for it as if it was their child?

Why was she feeling jealous because of a china rabbit?

When she arrived back to her parents’ home, the door was wide open and she saw
her mother setting out a picnic blanket in front of it.

“Lolly dear, I see that you’ve done your errands.” Nellie said as she smoothed out one
corner of the blanket. “Why don’t you come join me and your father for an outdoor
snack?”
Lolly’s mind raced as she thought of excuses to skip out on it. It’s been quite forever
since she saw and actually talked about her life with them. Her mother’s invitation felt
very foreign to her ears, and a million unclear feelings bubbled out from her heart. Her
face started to scrunch up in confusion as her brain battled against her rising emotions.

“Oh my, dear are you feeling fine? Do you need to drink water? Lawrence go get-“

I don’t need you. I’m perfectly fine on my own. Why would you care now? Her
irrational part of her mind cut off Nellie’s voice. It was pushing her buttons yet she was
trying hard not to let her pent-up feelings of anger win over this maybe once in a lifetime
moment with her parents.

“Are you feeling fine, darling?” Lawrence asked her softly as he emerged out from
the main door, his hand holding a glass of water and the other softly rubbing and patting
her back.

She finally felt a piece of peace of mind. She drank the water.

“I- uhm… yes. I-I suppose so…?” She hesitantly answered her parents, and sat down
a little bit farther away from her. Lawrence went back in and then came out with fresh
bagels and cream cheese and plopped down beside Lolly, forcing her to move closer to
Nellie.
Lolly’s lips pressed into a thin line as she watched her parents spread cream cheese
onto sliced bagels and ate them heartily. She let her eyes follow the motions of Nellie’s
hands. Nellie’s hands were holding a bagel to her a few moments later. Lolly realized
then that it was being offered to her.

“I can get one myself.” She stated, as she grabbed a plain bagel and chewed it.
“Why the grouch, sweetie? It’s been a while since we’ve had a moment like this.”
Lawrence questioned Lolly. “How’ve you been in the big ol’ city, hmm?” That question
finally pried open her feelings.
“You’ve turned crazy, why’re you suddenly caring for that-that…rabbit child?” Lolly
said in a huff, avoiding the question. Nellie and Lawrence looked at each other with wide
eyes then back at Lolly.
 “Lolly dear… what’s the matter with Susanna?” Nellie asked curiously.
“You clearly know the matter Ma.” Lolly shot back with a sharp tone. “I’ve seen you put
her in the garbage, she’s not here anymore in the house. So, what’s the matter?” Nellie
asked straight on.

Lolly was in cold sweat. How could’ve she known?

“….You know?” Her voice suddenly quieted. “Dear, I am quite upset that you threw her
out like that, she has been our joy for a time.” Nellie looked at Lolly. “You’ve been
clearly bothered by Susanna. She’s not here anymore, you’re here. What’s the matter
with the china rabbit then?” Lawrence finished.

Lolly let out her feelings with a single tear falling to the ground. She remembered why
she visited her parents in the first place. A feeling she hasn’t quite felt in a long time had
returned. Her parents’ full attention on her. The elderly couple rushed to her and wrapped
her in a comforting embrace as her feelings let out in the form of waterfalls of tears.
Slowly, she confessed everything, her feelings of hurt and anger for so many years, to
Nellie and Lawrence. The sun was setting and the leftover bagels went cold.

Before the day ended, she was lovingly assured that she mattered more. That their
bond was more important than any material, reputation, or pride that they had. Little did
they know that a certain china rabbit was about to learn that too.

4. “If you have no intention of loving or being loved, then the whole journey is
pointless.”

Have you ever wondered why we’re here? Why do you have the life of your life right
now? Like, what’s your purpose? When I was in elementary, all the thoughts that were
running in my mind were deep existentialism. Very weird and kind of surprising now that
I think of it. But as I grew up, I realized that I wasn’t an accident. God didn’t just create
me because He has a big list of people to make. I am a very detailed masterpiece and
made very intricately. My life’s purpose is to love Him and me being loved by Him. But,
no man is an island. We can’t live without our different relationships. He also made other
humans for us to love and being loved by them. Yes, we were created by God for God but
we were also created to live with other human beings. That’s why Eve was created for
Adam. Come to think of it, even if you don’t “believe” in God’s existence, you still live
for other people. Your friends, family, and loved ones. You choose to stay alive because
of them. If I were alone in life, I’d choose to die no matter how much I like being alone.
Why would God, who sees my future, bother creating me if I were just to be alone? It’s a
given that we should have a personal relationship with Him but we were also created to
have and nurture relationships with others because of Him. I think that the reason why we
have other humans in our lives is that, they can make or break us. They’re meant to teach
us lessons throughout our life journey.
 In short, God is a relational being; He created humans to establish a relationship with
Him. If we were created in the image of God, then we’re relational beings as well.

I haven’t met anyone yet who changed the way or looked about the world. I have met
people though who added new knowledge and information in my brain about it though.
My perspective of the world is still the same. A training ground before I get to the
afterlife. The people I’ve met throughout my life have shared their perspectives on the
world and I think that it’s also beneficial for me to know that other people think like this,
some think like that, etc. so that I could understand them more no matter what walks of
life they come from and hopefully find some middle ground. It’s also a way for me to
establish a relationship with them.

5. One particular event in my life that had shaped me for better AND for worse was when I
was 11 years old. As I mentioned that when I was younger, I had early thoughts of
existentialism. Most of my childhood, I had no best friend. Up till now actually. I have
never called anyone my best friend. I have no one close to. Basically, a loner. A very
lonely loner. Social anxiety and depression started sinking in. It was harder to talk to
people. The strongest recurring thought in my head was “You’re a burden to everyone.
Why bother associating yourself with them?” I have very low regard for myself. (Which
is kind of good because it makes me a low maintenance person?) Raising my self-esteem
isn’t my forte. Every day was just a normal day for me talking and trying to connect with
my favorite people realizing that each one of them never thought of me as their favorite
person to talk to.

Everything felt numb. It was getting harder to feel happiness and positive emotions for
me.

So then I resorted to self-harm.

I won’t delve into any details but the self-harm made me even number. I was solely
addicted to the pain. Any pain that inflicted onto me made me oddly happy and gradually
became so used to the sight of my own blood trickling down my wrist and forearm.
Fortunately, this didn’t last very long as my parents found out.

This defining moment in my life broke me and made me. Broken because up until now, I
think “What if my parents never found out?” In the back of my head I say “Then
everything would be better now.” Yes, I still have very low regard for myself and
compare myself to a lot of other people. I do realize that I am my biggest enemy and
critic but I strive to get to know myself. Suicidal and toxic self-hating thoughts go are
still present in my mind. Especially nowadays, because I’ll be graduating soon and I want
to do everything that I can, my best, to leave an impact on the last year of senior high.
Which I find really difficult because I keep underestimating myself and I keep comparing
me to my other classmates. Truth be told, I feel really unnecessary and out of place with
them.
On a more positive note though, I think the reason why I survived that time in my life
was to tell that story to other people. To help them break out of maybe even more intense
states than I was. Looking at all my flaws, I don’t have to hurt me for having it. My flaws
pushed me to accept me. Being human though, it’s impossible to avoid toxic thoughts and
comparing myself with others. I think this is also a way for me to get to know me. I want
to continue my self-awareness journey. Based on what I’ve experienced in my 15 years
of life, if the hurt comes, then happiness will surely follow.