"Licensed to Fart" by Gabriel Davis

(Bond addresses a new recruit who he's mentoring at the secret service)

Everyone thinks I, James Bond, 007, have it easy.

Because I make it look easy. Because I never let them see me sweat. That doesn't
mean I'm not sweating inside.

You say oh sure but James Bond can do anything he wants. He's even licensed to kill.
Well you know there's a lot of things I'm not licensed to do. Like normal things like you
take for granted. Like for example, farting. I'm not even licensed to fart. In fact it is
forbidden. If I break wind, I break character.
You think Dr. No would have taken me seriously if I let one rip? No!

You know little known fact Ms. Money Penny likes to make me a dinner before every
mission. Corned beef and cabbage.

That cabbage makes me gassy. But I endure! I endure so that you have a credible hero
to look up to. And I've got to say, it's unbearable.

Think about it. I've been in over 24 movies, that's nearly 48 hours, two straight days of
screen time. Have you ever heard me blare my butt horn once in that time? Of course
not. Because I respect my queen and my duty to country.

But when was the last time you held one in for 48 hours let alone... ? I've been holding
it since I joined the secret service 14 years ago. I took an oath.

And I am not about to break it now just because Q has fashioned some sort of a fart
silencer butt plug thing. What's that? Seriously, all our new recruits are wearing them
now? In solidarity? For me?

Well I'm honored, I am. But I'm also James Bond. I don't take the easy path.

So as much as I appreciate the gesture. Frankly, you can take that fart silencer and
shove it up your ass. But I'm not going to.