A TALK WITH VIKINGS SCRIPT

TITLE

FADE IN

[TEXT]

As part of a scientific and historical expedition a specialized team was formed to travel to
Scandinavia in the early 11th century to gather information on local culture.

Out of the five members that were sent only two made it back.

Two were killed due to altercations with the locals.

And the other one well we don’t know but probably died due to either hypothermia, drowning, a
bear attack, or a Gunnar’s stupidity.

FADE TO BLACK

CUT

Hendrik moves into frame and spits onto the ground before looking at the camera.

[HENDRIK]

So…you wish to know our motivations for the upcoming raid on the South? Tsk. You lot are slow on
the uptake huh?

BEAT

[HENDRIK]

I hope you don’t have an immediate family from that shithole* coz we are going run our blades
through them like Ragnarok is coming next Tuesday. (Laughs). Why you better hope next of kin isn’t
some cheese-eating weasel. You wunna know why we raid? It’s not just we see them as a buncha
inferior vermin who need a culling – see it’s in the name of Odin and his Court.

Gunnar appears to the side of the screen.

[GUNNAR]
 And plundering their wealth.

[HENDRIK]

Shut it you coward back to the forest with you!

Hendrik shoves Gunnar away places himself back into position.

[HENDRIK]

Uhhh…yes, the wealth why the cowardly Britons and the cheese-guzzling French have some gold and
silver we could…borrow shall we say. (Laughs) you shoulda been there last year the look of fear on
their faces – oh it cracks me up every time. And the French gods those people must be too occupied
with their cheese to have seen a proper sword. I mean look at this beauty.

Hendrik unsheathes his sword. It’s shown to be quite short.

[HENDRIK]

Ain’t she gorgeous?

Hendrik looks at the camera while presenting his sword.

[HENDRIK]

People say it ain’t nothing special but coz ‘everyone has one like it’. Well I’ve got something to say
towards those people. Especially you, Bjorn. There the same fecking idiots who smell like a boar’s
arse on Tuesday and go on about fucking up Byzantine* who probably think going Berserk is all ‘rage
no tactics.’ Well listen hear you pedantic fucks!

Hendrik lunges towards the camera and clutches it.

[HENDRIK]

I’ve killed more southerners, crossed more leagues than any other man or woman in the known
lands I am fecking better than all you fecking lot*.

Hendrik shakes the camera violently before abruptly cutting to the next interview.
CUT

[BJORN]

Uh…Hello.

The camera quickly pans left and right before returning to its original position.

BEAT

[BJORN]

Down here.

The camera looks down.

[BJORN]

Took you long enough. Now the South yes that place. Uhhh…now that place.

Bjorn glances around.

[BJORN]

I mean sure, the greenhorns down there wouldn’t fecking* last a week in this ‘ere region of the
world. Especially during the winter. Except maybe them Scots. I think they could survive out here.

Bjorn bends down and has trouble lifting a large battle axe. He grunts as he lifts and is about to present
the weapon in all its glory before he falls over. The camera abruptly cuts to Bjorn wiping himself down
before seating himself upon a wooden chair.

[BJORN]

Folks like them Berserkers like to think that all muscle and a simple sword or axe will go a long way
to succeed in combat. Pah! Craft is important as much as tactics. When I get to the shores of
‘Normandee’ or whatever I’ll show everyone true skill. Speaking of the Southerners have there
Bjorn laughs.

[BJORN]

I mean yeah strength is important why I was even raised by bears in my youth…

Bjorn pauses and a look of annoyance forms on him.

[BJORN]

Yes, I know about my height but it’s not an issue.

BEAT

[BJORN]

I don’t need a polear-

BEAT

[BJORN]

(Angrily) I am not a dwarf as the legends say you ignoramus and if you preach such nonsense again I
will-

[HENDRIK]

Hey shorty. You said were an expert craftsman, the best in the land!

[BJORN]

I’m not a dwarf you –!

The camera cuts.

[BJORN]

So…my axe…I created it to um…

BEAT

[BJORN]

To compensate for my stature and prove my worth as a warrior I decided to take on this raid. For I
am not one to fear getting the shorter straw. I fear no scrawny, inferior Southerner to cut me short-

The camera abruptly cuts to the next interview taking place.

[GUNNAR]

(Shakily) I’m not…I’m not…coming on…do you not see that vast ocean of which lies as the domain of
the World Serpent-

He becomes startled after the sea waxes against the beach.

[GUNNAR]

If you’re curious as to why I’m afraid of the see well… it’s because my parents died. The great World
Serpent caused it you see. But if I play my role in servitude to the Aesir I’m sure I’ll go to Valhalla like
my brothers. That’s why I’m going on this raid, my third one to be more specific. They had to knock
me out on the last two because I wouldn’t stop panicking.

Bjorn suddenly appears holding a bottle of ale.

[BJORN]

Hey, Gunnar want some ale?

Gunnar jumps back in shock.

[GUNNAR]

(Angrily and scared) Don’t scare me like that!

Bjorn walks off.

BEAT
 [GUNNAR]

I don’t know much about the Southerners much honestly. I spent much of my child years in the
forest taming the wilds, building fires, eating squirrels…how to chop down trees with rocks,
befriending wolves…I’m not a coward I just have a phobia I read in a southern bo-

Hendrik suddenly appears.

[HENDRIK]

(Shouting) Coward! (Laughs expressively) Those foolish southerner tomes are filled with hippie
nonsense, oh my gods.

[GUNNAR]

It’s not nonsense.

Gunnar glances around and then at his bow.

[GUNNAR]

As you can see, I have chosen a bow as my weapon. For you see I am quite proficient with it. I can
give you a demonstration if you wan-

Gunnar is cut off when Hendrik appears and grabs him by the collar.

[HENDRIK]

Times up, coward! Let us sail for the south.

[GUNNAR]

(Yelling) Wait, I’m not finished!

CUT

The camera (shakily) takes a close up of the boats front, showing the fierce dragon decoration before
zooming out to show its true size. It’s small and only able to hold three people.
Hendrik throws Gunnar into a boat with the other characters as he screams. Hendrik gets on the boat
pushes it away greatly from the beach with his sheer strength. They sail away into the sunset.

[HENDRIK]

(Yelling) Row you mangy twats! Row! We’ll be slitting throats by tomorrow night. Oh, the Southrons
won’t know what him them (laughs).

Gunnar continues to scream and yell.

[HENDRIK]

Someone knock some sense into him for Odin’s sake.

[BJORN]

Okay.

Bjorn slaps Gunnar around.

[GUNNAR]

Okay…okay..okay…

Hendrik resumes laughing frantically before a large sea serpent gobbles them.

CUT TO BLACK

CREDITS

THE END.

Post-Production Notes

*Expletives will be censored with a buzz

*Whole line from ‘fecking’ to ‘Tuesday’ will be censored for comedic effect.