Play # 18

Marketing

__________________________

By Joseph Frost

Originally written for the 2020 "31 Plays in 31 Days" challenge

Contact:
Joseph Frost
710 Newland St
Jackson MS 39211
FrostJosephD@gmail.com
Member, Dramatist's Guild
 A prison room on a ship.

A young man, TIRION, is chained to a wall.

His clothes are nice, but he has been roughed
up. He has barely grown a beard.

Enter WHITEBEARD, a pirate - not fully the

stereotype, but rough and ragged. He carries a
knife - we might not yet be able to tell that it has
blood on it.

WHITEBEARD
What? You don’t stand when a captain enters a room?

Tirion does not respond.

WHITEBEARD
I suppose you are chained up so you can’t stand. Is that it?

Tirion shifts. We hear the sound of chains.

WHITEBEARD
That is it. Otherwise, you’re a man who knows how to respect a captain aboard his very
own ship.

WHITEBEARD
Do you know my name?

TIRION
I’m afraid...
(gulps)
I’m afraid I’ve not had the pleasure of an introduction.

WHITEBEARD
You didn’t know the ship that was chasing you?

TIRION
The name of it?
(beat)
No. We did see the flag. The black flag. With the skull and the two bones.

WHITEBEARD
You saw the Roger.
 2.

TIRION
Is that what it’s called? Roger?

WHITEBEARD
The Jolly Roger is the flag of a pirate ship.

TIRION
Ah. I see. Yes, we saw the... Jolly Roger... but no, no one seemed to know the name of
your vessel.

WHITEBEARD
You’re aboard The Howl.

TIRION
The Hall?

WHITEBEARD
The Howl.

Whitebeard howls.

TIRION
I see.

WHITEBEARD
You’ve not heard of The Howl?

TIRION
I can’t say that I have.

WHITEBEARD
The Howl is the fastest ship in these seas. With the most ruthless crew of the damned to
troll the waters off these shores.

TIRION
Ah. I see.

WHITEBEARD
You see, do you?
(nothing)
You know, don’t you, what’s happened to all the others on your ship.

Whitebeard wipes his knife with a cloth,

cleaning off blood.
 3.

TIRION
I assume you mean to tell me they’re all dead.

WHITEBEARD
That is what happens to people who are overtaken by The Howl. No man survives my
wrath.

TIRION
And you are?

WHITEBEARD
Whitebeard.
(no response)
Stephen Whitebeard?
(nope)
Captain Stephen Whitebeard of The Howl.

TIRION
I’m sorry, but I can’t say I have heard of any Captain Stephen Whitebeard of The Howl.
I know a Stephen Whiteside of South Cambridgeshire. His family has an estate there,
but I can’t recall the name, but I doubt it sounds anything like The Howl. Are you, by
chance, any relation?

Whitebeard stabs his knife into a wooden table.

WHITEBEARD
No man survives the wrath of Captain Whitebeard. All who were aboard your ship are
dead and heaved over the side. They’re food for fish now. And you will be soon.

TIRION
I see.
(beat)
Might I ask you something, Mr. Whitebeard?

WHITEBEARD
Captain.

TIRION
I assume you’ve been doing this for a while. Years, perhaps.

WHITEBEARD
Close to two decades now.
 4.

TIRION
Oh. Yes. Well, despite what you might think, having been at this, and I assume
reasonably successfully to have been at it so long, I have to be honest with you, Captain.
I understand that this might upset you, but I am a practical man, and if I am to die at your
hand, I trust that it will happen whether I tell you the truth or not, so I choose to let you
know. I can honestly say I have never heard your name, the name of this ship, or any of
your exploits.

WHITEBEARD
What?

TIRION
Honestly. And it has nothing to do with my attention or inattention to stories of pirates. I
have travelled rather extensively over the years, often by sea, and I have heard of a
number of pirates, by name and reputation, the names of their ships and their exploits,
their gruesome behaviors and even some obscure adventures shared around campfires
and on cold nights on deck. Two names I know I have never heard in the entirety of my
life, on land or on sea, are Howl and Whitebeard.

Whitebeard stands. He paces.

WHITEBEARD
This is most distressing.

TIRION
As I said, Captain, I am a practical man. And my success in business affairs has come
from this practicality. And though I am sure that you mean to make good on your threat
to put me to death, I would like, if you don’t mind, to put to you a question.

WHITEBEARD
Go ahead.

TIRION
Do you imagine, perhaps, that the reason that your name, the name of your ship, and your
exploits have not reached, well, anywhere, to my knowledge, might be due to the fact that
if you scuttle every ship you take, and murder every man on board, that if there are no
survivors to tell the tale, as it were, then no one would ever hear the tale? That, in fact,
your effective piracy has prohibited anyone from hearing about your brutal expertise.

WHITEBEARD
I hadn’t thought of that.
 5.

TIRION
Many of us in business never do, Captain. It is the flaw in the truly capable artisan, to
expect that the work will shout itself from the rooftops. It rarely does, and when it does,
it is even more rare that it makes it more than a block down the road. Marketing, my
good Whitebeard, is the answer.

WHITEBEARD
Marketing?

TIRION
Marketing.
(beat)
What you need, and this is going to sound counter-intuitive, is a survivor.

WHITEBEARD
A survivor.

TIRION
I know, I know--

WHITEBEARD
No man survives The Howl.

TIRION
Truly. Nor the wrath of Captain Stephen Whitebeard, for certain.

WHITEBEARD
No.

TIRION
But hear me out.
(beat)
If there is a survivor, one lone, ragged man, clinging to the last thread of life, who washes
ashore, say, even at a small seaside village. Let’s say this man claims to be the sole
survivor of the Howl. The one man who slipped through the bony clutches of the vicious
Captain Stephen Whitebeard--

WHITEBEARD
I don’t like the sound of this...

TIRION
But, listen, one man could tell the tale. Even an incomplete one. But to describe this
vessel, lightening-fast, with it’s black flag and menacing blue painted sides...
 6.

WHITEBEARD
We just re-painted those.

TIRION
Very handsome.
(beat)
But to describe the ship and its speed and the feeling of being hunted down by it--

WHITEBEARD
It is impressive, isn’t it?

TIRION
I would admit, that yes, it was...
(beat)
But that story would very quickly pass from even a small village to larger towns and
eventually reach the big ports where the story of The Howl would grow and cast shadows
in the hearts of all men seeking to sail safely through these waters. It could be known by
all who abandon the safety of port to make their lonely way across the sea, that they
could be, suddenly, overtaken by the pirate, White-beard! and these waters, they could
be known as...
(beat)
The Howls...
(beat)
A fearful tribute, to the name, of this very vessel, whose presence would send chills down
the spine of every sailor, and make the hairs on the backs of every neck, stand. On. End.

A moment.

WHITEBEARD
And this is called marketing?

TIRION
Yes. That there be someone, who can stand in the marketplace, who shares the story of
your capabilities.

WHITEBEARD
And, you think this could be you.

TIRION
I haven’t meant to imply that up to this point, but yes, I could be that man... your man...
in the market place.

WHITEBEARD
But if I don’t kill you...
 7.

TIRION
I think I know where you’re going, and let me say this. I see that you are a man of
integrity, and that your history of success and of thoroughness, I can assume, is of credit
to you. But in counter-point, I would say that you could consider this, an investment.

WHITEBEARD
An investment.

TIRION
Piracy, like any business, is in need of periodic investment. One needs to spend a little to
make much more.

WHITEBEARD
How do I get more?

TIRION
Well, for starters, and I hope this isn’t too forward, but I couldn’t help but notice that you
were... a bit put out when, at first, I didn’t know who you were.
(beat)
Be honest.

WHITEBEARD
A bit.

TIRION
That wouldn’t happen again. Whomever you choose to pillage would be perfectly
terrified of you. Because they would know that they should be. They would know your
name and your history, presuming we plant that story as well.
(beat)
For example, why, may I ask, is this vessel called The Howl?

WHITEBEARD
Honestly?

TIRION
Certainly.

WHITEBEARD
When I bought it, it was called The Owl, so we just painted an H in there.

TIRION
I see.
(beat)
Not a terrifying story, is it.
 8.

WHITEBEARD
No.

TIRION
What if we said that it was because of the Howls of all those who met their deaths upon
its arrival.

WHITEBEARD
Ooh. That’s good.

TIRION
It is, isn’t it. I can elaborate a little on that, and as the story spreads beyond me, that’s a
good place for people to elaborate on their own.

WHITEBEARD
On their own?

TIRION
Certainly. If one is to live in infamy, one must live in the imaginations of many.
(beat)
But, as I said, it will have to... it must start, with at least... one.

Whitebeard stands.

He crosses to Tirion.

He pulls out a key, and unlocks Tirion.

TIRION
You will not regret this.

Tirion stands.

WHITEBEARD
But you said, it must be a man, washed ashore, clinging to life.

TIRION
Absolutely.

Tirion goes to the knife in the table.

He picks it up.

He holds the blade toward Whitebeard.

Tirion stabs himself in the side.

 9.

WHITEBEARD
Leave it in.
(beat)
The knife will be a good part of the story.
(beat)
And you’ll keep from bleeding out in the water.

TIRION
Thank you.

WHITEBEARD
We’re as close to shore as we’re getting, so we’d better toss you overboard.

Whitebeard gestures to the door.

WHITEBEARD
After you.

TIRION
Ah, yes, indeed.
(beat)
I shall never forget, the exploits of the grandest pirate on the seas, Captain Stephen
Whitebeard, and the horrors of The Howl!

Tirion hobbles out the door.

WHITEBEARD
Marketing.

Whitebeard exits, shutting the door behind him.

Lights down.

End.