Design Criteria For Shopping Malls

INTRODUCTION
The purpose of this document is to outline the process for maximizing the
spread of the Homo empturiens culture, commonly known as the Human
Shopping Virus (HSV), within a given subject area. It is intended for the
establishment of new colonies primarily, and in Southern California
specifically; however, the same principles apply for reviving existing
dormant, dead, or dying colonies anywhere.

The production of HSV is a fairly simple proposition – put two Homo

emputuriens (humans, shopping) in an ideal setting (shopping mall) and just
watch them go! However, maximizing the spread of HSV is quite a different
matter. Design Criteria for Shopping Malls will show:

• How to find a subject area conducive to HSV propagation

• How to arrange shopping malls to facilitate HSV propagation
• How to design shopping malls to attract Homo empturiens

In order to create an environment conducive to HSV propagation, the goal is to

make life around the shopping mall as smooth as possible. Happy shoppers
shop more; they tend to buy homes nearby and reproduce quickly and more
often. The entire context of the shopping mall array should be addressed, from
the architecture to the landscape, from the vehicular infrastructure to the
selection of the site itself.
SITE SELECTION
Planning an effective shopping mall array is often an arduous undertaking;
building a support colony is a long and difficult task. A complete and fully
operational array may take as long as thirty years to develop. The following
tips will speed up the process:

• Look for a large, broad, and flat valley with a favorable

climate and a reliable supply of water and power. If level
topography is unobtainable, mass-grade available land to
achieve flatness.
• Associate with a local real estate developer. Not only is it
helpful to share the cost and labor of construction, but the
political benefits, especially during entitlement and
permitting phases, are not to be underestimated.
• Create an armature of roads to promote easy access across
the array. Build for the future, anticipating future needs – at
every opportunity create as wide a street as possible: 40
feet for capillaries (local roads), 80 feet for veins (collector
streets), 120 feet for arteries (land highways). Remember,
carpuscles (automobiles) are the preferred carrier of HSV.
Good, unobstructed carpuscle movement should be a
priority as it allows for easy expansion of the shopping mall
array within and beyond the subject area.
ARCHITECTURAL GUIDELINES
Shopping is propelled as much by changing taste as it is by human desire; the
look of the shopping mall must therefore be mutable. To that end the
shopping mall itself should be as transparent and neutral as possible.

Architectural Character
First of all here should be no architectural character. Instead an
invisible style based loosely on local building traditions should be
favored. For Southern California the realm of the human, shopping
should be distinguished by a romantic nod to the Spanish Colonial
heritage of the region but with an important difference: rather than
conjuring up any hint of a specific history or culture, the shopping mall
array must first and foremost attract the female Home empturiens and
thus be built in the image of the male of the species: tall, dark, and
handsome.

Exterior Walls
The walls should be made of stucco. The field can be rough, but it
should be smooth near the openings. While colder regions may prefer
a more bearded approach, placing stacked fieldstone at the entry
points, this look has limited appeal for the female Homo empturiens in
Southern California, perhaps due to the surfer culture predominant in
the region.

Roofs, Hardscape
Just as the male Homo empturiens is expected to match his belt and his
shoes to his hair, the paving of the HSV shopping mall should echo the
 color, tone, and texture of the roof tile, a blend of auburn, brown, and
gray terra cotta.

Colors
The colors of buildings throughout the shopping mall array can be
drawn literally from the skin of the human, shopping. The field should
be a medium beige. The stucco adjacent to openings as well as at the
base and cornice should be a darker beige, accentuating the building’s
more refined details.

Signage
The signage for the shopping mall should be place on a monument sign
scaled to passing carpuscle traffic. While materials and colors for the
base of the sign take a cue from the shopping mall buildings, the sign
itself should be made of individual letters painted a Brite Smile white
using reflective paint from CalTrans.

LANDSCAPE GUIDELINES

In a properly designed shopping mall, the landscape treatment will be more

important than the buildings. Plants give color and texture to any space
regardless of theme; more significantly, they give life. It is therefore not
coincidental that when selecting a plant palette for a given shopping mall,
inspiration should be drawn from the image of the female Homo empturiens:
young and beautiful.
Plant Palettes
All landscaping should be evergreen. Just as the Homo empturiens
favors the forever-young sexual partner, so too should the shopping
mall reflect an eternal spring. Therefore plant selection across the
array should adhere to a very specific palette. The roads must be
densely planted; the wider the road, the greater the setback and
hence, the more thoroughly it is landscaped, as follows:

1. The Capillary requires a street tree and a ground cover, for

example: Eucalyptus and turf with a curb-adjacent sidewalk.
2. The Vein requires a street tree, a shrub, and a ground cover,
for example: Washingtonia robusta, Bougainvillea
braziliensis, and Myoporum pacificum with a sidewalk behind
a parkway.
3. The Artery requires a complete spectrum of landscaping, for
example: Pinus canariensis as the street tree, Cinnamonum
camphora as an accent, Ligustrum texanum as a shrub, and
turf as a ground cover embracing a meandering walk.

Landscaping for the shopping mall itself should be applied like make-
up: Evergreen base with bright perennials at the openings and potted
plants to accent the architecture – all to beautify the shopping
experience.
SUMMARY

The dream is that the colonies will flourish and that in time they will
transform the planet into a single vast shopping mall array. To do this
it is critical that:

A. The array pulses with the smooth and easy flow of carpuscles;
B. The array is free of political, historical and cultural specificity;
C. The array is created in the image of the shopper.

Help us realize this dream.

DEFINITIONS

Carpuscle
In common parlance, a carpuscle is an automobile. However for the Homo
empturiens, it is much more: it is both a HSV delivery device and itself an
object of desire for the human, shopping. It has been shown that where the
shopping mall array is most developed a clear pattern of carpuscle selection
has emerged. In descending order of preference, the following varieties
are most common:
1. Mercedes
2. BMW
3. General Motors/Ford (SUVs only)
While the sports sedan is more often chosen by the male Homo
empturiens, the SUV is the carpuscle of choice for the female. The most
popular colors for both types are, in descending order:
a. Black
b. White
c. Silver (or Gray)
Dark blue, dark green, and burgundy carpuscles are also found but
more often in the less affluent areas of the array. Red, orange, and
yellow carpuscles are rarely seen, but when they are, they are carriers
for a related species, Homo flaccidus, always male, who chooses, again
in descending order:
a. Porsche
b. Ferrari
c. Hummer

Cul-de-Sac
The Cul-de-Sac, from the French meaning “ass of the bag” actually has
a pivotal role in the sustenance of the HSV colony. As the termination of
each capillary it is the final destination of carpuscle flow and, in concert
with other Culs-de Sac, helps to describe the ultimate boundary of the
HSV colony. Its function is to provide a space for Homo empturiens to
nest safely and gain strength during the night for shopping the next
day. The sense of security is crucial – when the shopper feels safe, the
shopper shops more. To ensure this, a series of gates are implemented
upon the capillary approaching each Cul-de-Sac that are triggered by
signals from within the carpuscle responding with increasing specificity
so that by the time the carpuscle reaches the home a single signal
opens its door. It is in the Cul-de-Sac where the Homo empturiens
leaves the carpuscle for the home, the place where products gathered
daily across the shopping mall array are stored.
CC&Rs
Codes, Covenants and Restrictions (CC&Rs) are an effective method of
guaranteeing the survival of the shopping mall array in perpetuity.
When a Homo empturiens purchases a home within an HSV colony, he
enters into a CC&R agreement and thereby accepts all aspects of the
design criteria described herein and surrenders the right to any future
opinion contrary to said criteria.

Developer
A necessary evil in the propagation of the Human Shopping Virus, the
Developer is a financial opportunist who mines land for money. He
believes deeply that because he is good at harvesting vast amounts of
cash he is inherently smarter than you. Use this to your advantage.
When he questions the value of these criteria remind him that you have
a common goal: to maximize profit. He will respond to this.

Masterplan
Masterplan is a word that you will use throughout the development of
the shopping mall array. It will come in handy during meetings with
local government where it will be promoted as an antidote to sprawl,
and it will be used in the board rooms of the developers to convince
themselves that they have not been destroying nature’s bounty just to
finance three alimonies, two vacation homes, and a time-share in
Gstaad. Actually there is no Masterplan, just an ever-evolving plot to
squeeze the maximum shopping potential out of a given subject area.
Because of its effectiveness as a tool in creating the HSV colony, this
single word is indispensable. In short, Masterplan will become your
mantra.

Value Engineering
A military term from World War II, value engineering was initially a
process of reducing cost of an aircraft until it had just enough substance
to fly. Applied to the development of the shopping mall array, it
describes an attitude in which every possible value inherent in a project
is reduced to a single one: profit.