SELF-ESTEEM

What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem refers to the way a person thinks and feels about him or herself. It is
comprised of both one’s evaluation of personal competence as well as one’s evaluation
of basic worth as a human being. Negative thoughts can be about tasks you don’t do
well, poor body image, or negative beliefs about how others perceive you.

It is very common for someone with low self-esteem to feel defeated if everyone does
not like them and if they look mostly to others to provide that source of esteem. This
sets up a fragile situation where it is difficult for these people to tolerate even brief
anger or disagreement in an otherwise strong relationship. It also sets the stage for the
person to expend a great deal of effort trying to “win over” others who may not appear
to connect with them. It is not uncommon for people in these situations to find
themselves expending a lot of worry and energy to maintain a relationship that, deep
down, they don’t enjoy in the first place.

As very young children, we had adequate self-esteem without even questioning it. We
felt valued for just being in this world. The value that others placed on us and that we
placed on ourselves had very little to do with how well we accomplished things or how
much cuter we were than the toddler next door. We were lovable and good just as we
were.

As adults many of us believe that we must continually justify our place in the world -
that we have to somehow prove to other people that we are worthy of their esteem and
through their eyes we can, somehow, prove to ourselves that we are really valuable.
Unfortunately, this gives others a lot of power to determine if we are lovable or good
people. And, even when we finally do well, we discover that tomorrow is another day
full of new obstacles. The rare sense of positive self worth derived from other's
approval seems to evaporate so easily.
Low self-esteem
The more frequent, intense and lasting the negative thoughts and feelings you have
about yourself, the lower your overall self-esteem. People with low self-esteem often
have little confidence in their abilities and frequently question their self-worth. If
things happen to go well, they dismiss it as luck or a fluke. It is very common for
someone with low self-esteem to expect that they will do poorly at some task or skill
prior to trying it.
People with low self-esteem also tend to have low frustration tolerance. Frustration
tolerance refers to the ability to tolerate difficulties or roadblocks. Someone with low
frustration tolerance often gives up quickly when faced with roadblocks, particularly if
they had expected failure at the outset. Low frustration tolerance tends to reinforce low
self-esteem in that if someone gives up at a task easily, they are less likely to persevere
until they achieve success. Therefore, a pattern of failed attempts without frequent-
enough success experiences will confirm negative thoughts about oneself and one’s
abilities… the self-fulfilling prophecy.

In this way, lack of self-esteem results in passivity with little or no effort to establish
 goals. And, when they do make worthwhile accomplishments, these individuals
perceive that the performance of others looks better in comparison.
They let events happen to them instead of making them happen. They ignore or
minimize their successes. As a result, they feel little control over their lives and often
find it difficult to set goals and develop close personal relationships. It is not
uncommon for these individuals to then wonder what it is about them, inside, that
causes bad things to happen to them.

High self-esteem
High self-esteem consists of the positive thoughts and feelings you have about
yourself. In addition, it affects how you think, act, and feel about others, as well as
how successful you are in life. The acquisition of high self-esteem involves you
becoming the person you want to be, enjoying others more fully, and offering more of
yourself to the world.

High self-esteem is not competitive or comparative, but rather it is the state where a
person is at peace with himself or herself. Individuals with high self-esteem have less
difficulty admitting mistakes and acknowledging failures. All people regularly make
mistakes, and someone with high self-esteem does not interpret those mistakes as
indicative of a pattern of poor behavior or indicative of a lack of worth. People with
high self-esteem are confident that they are lovable and likeable individuals and that
most people will generally enjoy their company.

What are some ways to improve self-esteem?

  Identify and accept your strengths and weaknesses. It is okay to have
weaknesses; everyone does. At the same time, balance is achieved by celebrating
strengths. With an awareness of both sides, you can realistically evaluate the things
you do well in addition to the things you do not do so well.

  Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Identify the difference between
feelings and self-evaluations. Even though you may feel stupid or foolish in a certain
situation, it does not mean that you are stupid or foolish. (This is a slippery slope most
of us tend to fall down.)

  Take an optimistic attitude. Very few people succeed at every the first time
they try them. If it is realistic to predict that you could succeed at something with
practice, expend the energy for the practice to provide yourself with a satisfying
experience.

  Give yourself encouragement and reinforcement along the way. Self-esteem
needs to be nurtured and is strongest when we have frequent reminders (whether from
others or from ourselves) that we are a good person. It is okay to feel good about
doing something well.
  Avoid excessive perfectionism. Remember that you reach your personal best
only once per task.

  Combat negative thinking and critical self-talk. When you find yourself in a
situation where you are feeling a low sense of self-esteem, try to identify exaggerated
critical thoughts and try to modify the self-assessment positively and realistically.
 Simply trying to “think positive” isn’t always going to be helpful, but thinking
positively AND realistically will. For example, instead of saying to yourself, “I failed
that test because. I am so stupid.” you can modify those thoughts to “While I may have
done poorly on this test, it doesn’t mean that I don’t do a lot of other things well.” It is
not helpful to change the initial negative thought to some unrealistic and exaggerated
evaluation.

  Take a tip from others who are good models of self-esteem. Look in your
environment and see if you can identify anyone who has a quiet sense of comfort with
who they are. If this doesn’t work, sometimes asking yourself, “How might someone
with higher self-esteem handle this situation?” can provide some direction.

  Accept yourself as you are. It is very easy to fall into the trap of comparing
yourself to others. It is a trap because you will always find someone who does
something better or faster, or looks better than you. However, if you can accept your
unique good qualities, you can save yourself a lot of time and energy wasted on
negative thinking.

A major shortcut to self-esteem

As compared to almost all other cultures, people from the U.S. have a very difficult
time accepting sincere and personal compliments. We usually react by ignoring the
compliment or becoming embarrassed, uncomfortable, or even angry. Few people
realize that they have trained virtually everyone in their lives to treat them in a manner
that they are comfortable with… NOT the kind of warm or loving treatment we would
genuinely desire. This simple-sounding method to raise your self-esteem involves (1)
noticing when you receive a compliment, and (2) merely responding with a sincere
and comfortable-looking & sounding, "Thank you." (You may need to practice the
latter to make sure you look and sound sincere.) By warmly thanking people for their
compliments you are positively reinforcing them to offer even more in the future,
which will give you added practice hearing nice things about yourself. Over time
these nice compliments sink in, raising your self-esteem. One note: Treat all
compliments the same. If you discover that someone has used a compliment to try to
manipulate you, just respond appropriately to the manipulation and say, "No!". Don't
try to judge whether a person's compliment is sincere… respond as though all are.

Book Resources on …General Self-Esteem:

 Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns
 Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
 Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin
Seligman
…Assertiveness and Self-Esteem:
 Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living by Robert Alberti and Michael
Emmons
…Sexual Self-Esteem (men):
 The New Male Sexuality: The Truth about Men, Sex, and Pleasure by Bernie
Zilbergeld
…Sexual Self-Esteem (women):
 For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach