Book by |ulius ]- EPstein

Music, and Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

Based on the Play "Fnovr Ponca IN FLATBUsH"
by |ulius |. Epstein and Philip G' Epstein

NOTICE: DO NOT DEFAC-EI

. Should you find it necessary to
mark cues or cuts, use a soft black
lead pencil onJY.
NOT FOR SALE
. This book is rented for the Period
specified in your contract. It remains
the properfy of:
Must c T rturxe IrcrERNeroNar
421 West 54th Street
New York NY 10019
Mugc Tueetne lxtEaxatoxat- (212) s41-86s6

-Music & Lyrics @ copyrigh t 1'934 and 1999 b1' Stephen- Sondheim and
-
nitti.,g lrtusic, tnc.'Ati rights admjnistered !I WB]vIusi9 Corp'
Eook @ copyright tDS+ and 1999 by ]ulius J' EPstein
CreRacrrns
GENE GORMAN -
20
19
HELEN FOGEL (Helene Forrester)-
THE GANG
DINO - 19
ARTIE - 20
RAY - 20
TED - 1.9
BOBBY - 15
HANK - 25
CELESTE, Hank's wrte - 22

MILDRED - 18
EUGENE GORMAN (PINHEAD)'
Gene's cousin - 25

can be doubled
N.B. foltowing parts
The

(minimatly, three mm and threewomm):

(MAIC)
ATTENDANIT AT THE PLAZABALLROOM
MALE VOCALIST
MR. FLETCHER, a rental agent
ABTJTLER
FLORENCE - 18
MR. FISIIE& a loan shark
CLtiNE, a detective
hostess
DAKOTADOI{AN, a nightclub
FEMALE VOCALIST
HEADWAITER
POLICE LIEUTENANT

COUPLES
SOCIETY COUPLES, MGI{TCLUB

-ru-
 Mustcet Nuuse ns
Acr Our
#7- Ooerture

Scrre ONr
#2 - Saturday Night

#i -Class
#4 - Delighted I'm Sure

ScwrTWo
#5 -Looe's a Bond Part 7

#5a- Iooe's a Bond Part 2

#6- lsn't It
#6a-Mommt-Undssarz (Or&estra) ...... ..........................24

ScErvE Trnrr
#7-InThe Mwies
#7a-Transitiott to 14

Scrxr Foun
#8 -Exhibit'A"
#9-AMomentWthYou
#9a-Mommt Undersarc

Scrxr Frw
#70- Saturday NWt Reqise 1

*7fu-Transition to I-6

Scsr.rE Sx
#71 - Gracious Lioing Ballet

*l7a-Gracious Lioing Ballet hg (Ordestral...

ScErvE Snrer
#72- Montana Clumical @ino, Ray, Artie, Ted, C-ebste, Hank) .-,.................................50

*l2a-Transition to I-8 (Orchestra)

ScsNr Ercsr
*73-So Maay Pople (Ildan, Gne)..
#74-OneWondefulDay (Cnnpmy)
#l4a-Act One Finale (Cnntpany).......... ............................53
 ActTwo
#L5 - Entr'acte

SceNr ONr
#16 - Saturday Night Repise 2

#75a - Dino's Piano Solo

#L7-lRememberThat

#1.7a-To the Nightclub

ScrNE TWo
#78-Mommt (Nightclub)
#1.8a- I-oue's A Bond Blues

#19 - All for You

ScrNr Tnnrr
#19a- Scae Clunge

*20 - l{s That Kind Of A Neighborhood

#20a- Into the Statisn

Scrrvs Foun
#27 -Wtut Morc Do I Need?

#22 - Act Two Finale

#23-Bouts I Erit Music

 ARTIE, DINO, RAY TED
#2
#4
#7
#10
#72
#74
#75
#20
#21

BOBBY
#4
#8
#14
#2A

#21

CELESTE
#4
#7
#72
#74
#17
#20
#2L

CLUNE
#27

COMPANY
#3
#4
#74
#l4a
#20
#27

FEMALEVOCALIST
#78a Looe's a Bonil Blaes. ..............7g

-vr-
 FLORENCE
#20
#21

GENEGORMAN
#3
#9
#13
#21

HANK
#3
#7
*72
#74
#1.7
#20
#27

HELEN FOGEL
#6
#9
Jr\\
I #73
*1.9
#21

MALEVOCALIST
#5
#5a
#9

MILDRED
#4
#7
#74
*20
#21

POUCELIEUTENANT
#27 What More Do I Need? .........9s

-VU-
 Svirropsrs or Scrrurs
ACT ONE

Scwr 1.
a
,a*--

The front porch of Gene Gorman's house in Flatbush, Brooklyn. Saturday night.
Spring 1929.
Scwu2
An anteroom outside of the Grand Ballroom at the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. Later
that evening.
Scnce 3.
Outside a movie house in Flatbush. Alittle later.
Scrrvr 4.
The front porch. Later.
ScNs 5.
The street outside the porch. Immediately after.
Scutr 5.
The empty interior of a Sutton Place apartment. The next afternoon.
ScEI,IE 7.

The street outside the porch. Monday through Friday of the following week.
, Scrxu 8.
The front porch. The no<t night.

ACTTWO
Scnw 1.
The front pordt. Sevm o'clock Saturday night, a week later.
Scmn 2
Dakota Doran's nightdub. Three o'clock the following moming.
Scu.rs 3.
Outside a police station. Thrce days later.
Scmre 4.
Inside the police station hnmediately after.

-vtu-
"i!
 SeruRDAv Nrcrr -1.-
I

AGT ONE

Scene One
(scENE: front porch of Gate Gorman's lume, Flntbush, Brooklyn. h is
Ttu
an old:fashioned luuse anil the front porch is oast. It lus a sofa, a xting, an
old ?iano, a targe rubber plant, a phone on along extansion cord and lots of
wic*er fumiture. At tlu rear left is a door leading to tlu lioing room. Tlu steps
lerdittg to tlu street can be sem at extreme Stage Right.

T'HE TME: Early Spnng of 1929. About snet o'clock of a saturday night.

CLIRIAIN UP ON: Piano Musk.

DINO, a boy of about nituteen, is at ttu ?syboail, plcying lioely ragtime.

ARTIE and anothq W, RAY both stightly older, are seateil on thc *fa.
ARTIE lus a uhtlele, whictt HE srtr j(rMs fiont time to time. RAY is puring
earnes.tly at an opan nat)sPaPer. The door to tlu lioing rmm is opat and TED,
tlz long aril plane in his lund, stick his luad in.)

TED
Hey, Dino - easy,will you? She's comin' to the phone. Hello, Marie? I don't know if
you remember me, but we met last week.

,. ARTIE
If she remembers him, we're sunk.
Cne bxctttsTR/t starts under)

RAY
HE'S GONNA GET THE AXE FROM HER.
WHAII WOIJLD YOU SAY TO SEEIN' A PMCHA?

ARTIE
I pass.
DINO
Stthh - i

RAY
HOW DOES THE COMBINATION OF
IOHNNY MACK BROWN AND BESSIE LOVE I{ITCHA?
-2- SeruRDAv Nrcrr
ARTIE
Right between the eyes. Well?
TED
She said I have one helluva nerve calling her at seven o'clock on Saturday night.
She said naturally she already has a date.

DINO Dir
THE M@N'S LIKE A MTLUON.WATT ELECTRIC LIGr T -
IT SHINES UP THE CITY AS IT CLIMBS.
AND I'VE GOTTA SPEND ANOTHER SATIIRDAY NIGHT
AT HOME WITH THE SUNDAY TIMES.

TED
MOONLIGHT ON FLATBUSH AVENUE...
4:;5F
THITT'S WHAT I CALL A LOVELY VIEW...
(ORCHESTM stops.DINO strikes u? the ragtime 4gain,but staps
dej ectedly. ORCHESTRI{ resumes)

DINO
SOW}IAT CANYOU DO
ON A SATT.IRDAY MGI{T - ALONE?

RAY
WHO NEEDSAVIEW
ONASATT'RDAY MGI{T - ALONE?

ARTIE
IF IT'SASATURDAY NIGHT
AND YOU ARE SINGLE
YOU SIT WITI{ A PAPER AND FIGHT
THE URGE TO MINGLE
TED
AND HOME IS A PI.A,CE
WHERE YOU GOTTA GO BACK - ALONE.

DINO
HOME ISA PI-ACE
WHERE TTIE FUTURE LOOKS BI-ACK - ALONE.

RAY
I UKE THE SI'NDAY TIMES ALL RIGHT -
BUT NOT IN BED...
 S e r u R D AY N t c rr -3-
ALL
ALIVE AND ALONE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT
IS DEAD.
(ORCHESTM stops; DINO starts to play again, aery loudly)

OTHERS
Dino! ... Shut up Dino! ... etc.
(HE stops at the end of tlu chorus. ORCHESTRA resumes undernuth)

RAY
HERE'S A REVIVAL OF "BEN HUR,"
GOES ON AT NINE-FIFTEEN AT THE CUSHMAN.

ARTIE
SO WHEN I GOT MY MIND ON SEX,
WHO GIVES A DAMN FOR FRANCIS X. BUSHMAN?

ALt
THE MOON'S LIKE AN OVERLOADED MOXIE SIGN,
IT SHINES ATYOU FRIENDLYAND BRIGHT.
I GOT MY BUDDIESAND MY BUDDIES ARE FINE -
BUT NOT ON A SATURDAY MGHT!

RAY
JOHNNY MACK BROWN AND BESSIE LOVE...

TED, ARTIE, DINO, RAY

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...
( O o erlappin g each o tlur )

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO

ON ASATURDAY NIGHT - ALONE?
WHO NEEDS A VIEW
ON A SATURDAY NIGHT - ALONE?
IF IT'S A SATURDAY NIGHT
AND YOU ARE SINGLE,
YOU SIT WITH A PAPER AND FIGHT
THE URGE TO MINGLE.
 SeTURDAY Nrcnr

(ALr) -.+
,,1

AND HOME IS A PLACE

WHERE YOU GOTTA GO BACK - ALONE.
HOME IS A PLACE
WHERE THE FUTURE LOOKS BLACK - ALONE.
THINGS'D BE DIFFERENT ANY OTHER MGHT INSTEAD,
BUT WE'RE ON OUR OWN
ON ASATURDAY NIGHT,
WITH NO ONE TO PHONE
ON ASATURDAY MGHT,
AND WHEN YOU'RE ALONE
ON A SATURDAY MG}II,
YOU MIGI{T AS WELL BE DEAD!
(DINO starts ta play again, against the ORCHESTRA. HE finishes by
leaning his elbow on tlu keyboaril in despair. BOBBY enters)

BOBBY
When iue you guys clearing out?

RAY
What s it to you?

BOBBY
I got a sure thing lined up for tonight and I need a house. Where's Gene?

RAY
Upstairs. Gettiog dressed.

TED
How the hell did you get a date?

RAY
Here we are breaking our behinds to scrbunge up one dame between us and you
a lousy kid -
-
BOBBY
Boy, Gene's got all the luck. No motheq, a father on the road all the time, a house any
time he needs it.

ARTIE
Whafs hername?
 SeTuRDAY Nrcrr -5-
BOBBY
I can't tell you her name - she's a married woman'

RAY
I don't believe it!
TED
All right, you're a gentleman, you don t tell us her name' What's her husband's name?
BOBBY
Don't ask me that, fellers. We'll dl be husbands someday'
DINO
Bobby, what's the opinion on the street on Montana Ctrem. Corp?

BOBBY
Montana Cheuu Corp?

RAY
What are you askinghim for?

DINO
Because he's on Wall Skeet.

RAY
A Eunner on Wall Street -
DINO
We can get it for around three and Gene says it's good for ten points in one week'
BOBBY
Where does Gme get his inforrration?

ARTIE
the gartg is forming a
He',s an order clerk now. order clerks hear thing:s.Anyway,
pool and Gene is bry*g us a thousand shares on margin' Wanna come in?

BOBBY
Are you kiddid? And let me glve you guys some advicerspend yolrr money
oR
women, dorft go listening to order clerks in second-rate houses' Now, ate you SUys
gonna vamoose? MY maried dame -

RAY, DINO, TED, ARTIE

Shut up!etc.
-6- SeruRDAv Nrcrr
(HANK and CELESTE enter. They are manieil, and saneral years oldo tlun
the others)
CELESTE
Five fellows and not a girl in sight. Well, that's par for the course.

ARTIE
Hank, would you be interested in a ten-and-twenty poker gamq high-low, deuces,
sevens and one-eyed jacks \^rild?

CELESTE
He would not.
HANK
Because I know you guys for fifteen years, I'll give you two words of advice.
Stay single.
BOBBY
Amm!
{BOBBY exitsintohoux)
TED
I don't know - a night like this I get to feeling mayh there is something to this
marrying business. At least, she's always there when you want her.

HANK
Yea but she's also always there when you don't want her.

ARTIE
Where are you kids headed for? Show on Broadway?

HANK
I thought we'd take in the feature at the Mdwood.

RAY
Okay, the Midwood it is. We'U all go with you.

HANK
What? Five guys and my wife? How's it gorna look?
CELESTE
At least get another girl, it won't look so bad.

TED
We have a call in for Garbo. But do you think she'll admit she's doing nothing on a
Saturday night?
 SaruRDAv Nrcrr -7-
CELESTE
My friend Mildred turned down three dates for tonight. And shds a real beauty.

DINO
What does she mean by a real beauty?

HANK
It means she's seen worse.

CELESTE
Mildred impressed upon me very strongly that she wouldn't even dream of going
out. She intends to stay home conrfy cozy and listen to good music. However -

ARTIE
All right. We give in. However what?

CELESTE
I think she can be persuaded. Not by just a lousy double feature.

TED
No? Well, what's your proposition?

CELESTE
I think the China afterwards would do it.
tI
I RAY
1
{
The China? They have a cover charge. Nothin' dpin'.
i
CELESTE
It's all right with me. Hank - lefs get going. I don't want to miss the newsreel.

ARTIE
Well, maybe we'll take a chance - huh?

DINO
Let's see - there are four of us and, counting Celeste, two girls. Half a broad each.
That ain't too bad.

HANK
My wife ain't a broad!

CELESTE
What I want to know is, shall I call my frimd or not?
-8- SeruRDAv Nrcrr

RAY
Would she consider going dutch? Okay - but make one thing plain. We're not gonna
have our picture taken at the table at five bucks a throw and when that baby-faced
blonde comes around selling those cmmmy dolls shds to say, "No, thank you." Get
it? "No, thank you."

CELESTE
(Goes to the plwne; starts to dial while SHE talks)

Listen. You're lucky if she'll go out with you at all. Three dates she turned down this
week.

HANK
Gene hasn't left ye! has he?

ARTIE
Dressing.

CELESTE

Qnta plwne)
Mildred? Darling I was wondering if you had changed your mind about going out.
-
Because Artie Ray, Dino and Ted had the most wonderful idea -
ARTIE
Whafs the money for?

HANK
My share of the pool. Give it to Gme. I dodt want Celeste to know I'm in the market.

CELESTE
Luckily she's dressed to ttre teeth. She hadn't started to get comfy cozy yet.
Somebody'll have to go over and bring her here.

RAY
What for? Ifs just around the corner.

CELESTE
That's one of the conditiors

RAY
All right All right. But it goes without saying - no eab!
(MY exits)
 SeruRDAv Ntcar

(GENE andBOBBY enter)

ARTIE
Gene, you look like the Prince of Wales. Those tails new?

GENE
No. Just cleaned. On cedit'
DINO
What are you crashing tonight?

GENE
Junior League Cotillion at the Plaza
ARTIE
The jointed be loaded with house dicks.

GENE
I got into the Hunt Ball last week, didn't I? And the Metropolitan Opeta shindig the
week before. No trouble at all. Anybody got some change for cab fare?

TED
Cab fare? What's wrong with the subway?

GENE
You guys wouldn't want me to ride in the subway with top hat and tails.

TED
No? Put me to the test.
ARTE
It's a mystery to me why we like you so much.

GENE
And it's a mystery to me why I put up with you guys'
DINO
Any*ay, thaltk you, Gene Gorman, for bringing a whiff of elegance into our drab
lives.

GENE
Don't sneer. This is my ticket to a whole beautiful world out there that you guys
really ought to see.
-L0- SaruRDAv Nrcrr

BOBBY
Where?

GENE
Out there. Across the river.

BOBBY
Statm Island?

GENE
Park Avenue.

THE BRIDGE IS MY RATNBOW

TTIE BRIDGE IS MY FRIEND.
AND ITS GOT A POT O' GOLD AT THE OTHER END.
NOT A POT O' COLD
YOU CAN BUY OR SELL;
IT'S THE PLAZAHOTEL!

I'M CROsSING THE RAINBOW,

I'M TAKING A RIDE
TO ARAZZLE-DAZZLE WORLD ON TI{E OTHER SIDE.
VERY SPECIAL WORLD.
GOTTA HAVE A PASS -
CALLED "CLASS!"

AMAN CAN BE
A RUNNER BY DAY
BUT SOCIALLY
WHAT COUNTS TS TI{E WAY HE LOOKS.

TI{AT'S WHAT I MEAN BY "CLASS."

I'VE GOT TWO SUITS,
IUST TWO TO MY NAME.
rvE GoT JUST TWO SUrrc
BUT BOTI{ OF THEM CAtvIE
FROM BROOICS.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN BY "CI.ASS!"
 SeTURDAY Nrcrr -71.-
(GENE)
"CLASS" IS WHEN YOU'RE WRAPPED
IN HARRIS TWEED
AND ALWAYS LOOK IMPECCABLE
IN WHA:I YOU'RE WRAPPED IN.
"CLASS" IS WHEN YOU DEMONSTRATE
YOUR BREEDING,
LIKE FOR INSTANCE WHEN YOU CALL
A WAITER ZO{PI'AIN./

THIS IS WHY A "ROOM" IS A "FLA-T."

YOU DON'T SAY "TIE,"
YOU CALLIT "CRAVAT."
SAY YOU DRINK FROM A "TUMBLER"
INSTEAD OFA"GLASS."
rgAT,S THE MARK OF SOMEONE WHO HAS
WHA'T I CALL "CLASS.'

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

WHO LTVE OUT THERE
HAVESAVOIR.FAIRE -
THAT'S ECLASS" IN FRENCH.
THE BEAUTIFT.]L PEOPLE
WHO LTVE WTI}I GRACE
ON SUTTON PLACE
WEAR ROBES AND PEIGNOIRS
AND PURCHASE RENOIRS.
fi{E BEAUTTFULPEOPLE
ARE \4f PEOPLE - I?S THEM I BELONG WITH!
NOW TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WTTH THAT?

HANK
THE BEAIJTIFULPEOPLE
ARE NOT FOR YOU;
THEIRBLOODISBLUE -
THEY'RE OUT OF YOUR CLASS.
BE YOURSELF, GENE, BE YOI.'RSELF.

ALL (EXCEPT GENE)

BE YOURSELF, GENE, BE YOI,'RSELF.
-L2_ S,l.TURDAY Nrcar

(nfiy continue to sing under tlu following lines)

GENE
I'D LIKE TO OWN A ROLIS ROYCE, H
A TOWNHOUSE, A YACHT -
ALL THINGS EXPENSIVE AND CHOICE AND RARE.
rVE GOT THE FRIENDS THAT T NEED Fr

TO SHARE THEM WITH ME, h

BI,TT I NEED THE THINGS TO SHARE.

Br
SOME PEOPLE LryE OTJTTHEIR LNTES
AND DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
THEY BIIY TI{INGS ON THE INSTALLMENT PLAN. Ir
THATS NOT FOR ME -
I DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT I AM,
I WANT TO BE W}IAT I CAN! Ir

THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GET I.'P AT NOON

H,
AND SPEND ALL THEIR TIME HAVING FUN.
THEY BETTER MAKE WAY 'CAUSE PRETTY SOON
TTIE FOUR HUNDRED WILL BE FOUR HUNDRED AND ONE!
^tJi
III
TEN BUCK TIPS, HAVANA CIGARS,
CROS$COUNTRY TRTPS IN HIGH-POWERED CARS.
Dt
"CAPTAIN, BRING ME A BRANDY
ht
AND A I.A.RGE DEMITASSE!"
dc
WEEK MGHTS I'M A BROOKLYN BOY
BUT ON SATURDAY MGHT
I'VE GOT "CLASS!" D(
Ofl
CELESTE
You look gorgeous. Where's your silk scarP
W
GENE inr
It needs pressing.

CELESTE
Where is it, honey? I'll do it for you.
GENE tI
I love you. It's on my bedroom dresss.
 SeruRDAy Nrcar -13-
(SHE goesinside)

ARTIE
Here's Hank's money. He's in on the pool.

HANK
For God's sake, not a word to celeste. It's the money we've been saving for a new
bedroom suite.

DINO
Bobby says Montana Chem. Corp. stinks.

BOBBY
I said no such thing. I said where does he get his inforuration?

GENE
I work for the best firm on the street. Ore of the junior partners has taken a liking to me.

DINO
He can be wrong. What if she goes down instead of up?

GENE
Name me one stock that's going down. Look, all around us people are getting rich
making fortunes. Evm the lousy little elevator boy in ow building.
-
(to DINO)
Do you want to be a shoe clerk all your Me because you're afraid to invest five
hundred bucks? I tell you, by Saturday wdll have a profit of ten to eleven thousand
dollars.
(But)
Don't worry. But if anyone feels nervous, now's the time to drop out. I'm putting the
order in Monday morning.

BOYS
Whatthe hell?... Everything's going up!... And suppose we make traro or thrce
instead of ten - is that bad?
(GENE eitsintoluuse)

(An AIIIOMOBILE IIORN HONI(S outsiile)

BOBBY
Who's that?
-74- Sa,ruRDAy Nrcar

DINO
It's Pinhead.

BOBBY
Pinhead?

DINO
Gene's cousin, in his Pierce-Arrow.

TED
Iust to rub it in.
(Tlu SOUND of a CAR DOOR SIAMMING is tuard)

HANK
He's coming in.
(PINHEAD coma in. HE is soeral years olilu tlun the rest, dresseil in
Chesterfeld ooercoat with fly buttons and aeloet ullars, and a derby. He also
sports a moustadte)

PINHEAD
what's the matter? The whole damn neighborhood hard of hearing?

ARTIE
Don't we get a "Good wening" or anything like that?

TED
Did you wipe your feet on the mat?

DINO
And you might take your hat off.

PINHEAD
Otu shut up.Where the hell is Gene?

ARTIE
No wonder he keeps his hat on. Isn't it getting a little thin on top pintread?

PINHEAD
And I'm getting fed up with the pinhead routine. My name is Eugene Gorman and
that's what I want to be called.

HANK
We've got to differentiate between you.
 SeTURDAY Ntcrr -15-
PINHEAD
I'm Eugene and he's Gene. And why don't you call him Pinhead? why me?
DINO
well - we did have a real serious discussion on that point. And you won.
(IELESTE and GENE come out. GENE is carrying an atming coat,
a collapsible oPera lut and a surfl

GENE
Oh, hello, Eugene. Was that you honking?

PINHEAD
You got that monkey suit on again? Listen,I've got to catch a train in an hour'

GENE
Where for?

PINHEAD
Miami. I'm gonna spend a couple weeks with Sue'
GENE
I don t see why sue goes down to Miami so much. Palm Beach is a lot more -
PINHEAD
Listeru if you were uuuried you couldn't send your wife to coney Island,
so all I
want from you is to drive me to Penn Station and then drive the car back'
GENE
You mean I can have the limousine while you're away?

PINHEAD
just driveit
I said nothing of the kind. I want you to put the car in the Earage and
around the block every three days so the battery don't go dead. And for
crise sake
stop calling it a limousine. It's a car!
(P.LY and MILDRED ain)
RAY
Ok"y,I deliveredher.
-15- SaTURDAY Nrcrr

CELESTE
I'll do the honors.
TIIIS IS MILDRED.

MILDRED
DEUGHTED, I'M SURE.

ARTIE
SHE'S DELIGHTED,
I AM VERY UNEXCMD.

CELESTE
THIS IS ARfiE.

MILDRED
DELICHTED.

CELESTE
AND TFIIS IS TED.

DINO
SOMETHING ]]ELI^S I/tE WE SHOULDA STOOD IN BED.

CELESTE
THIS IS BOBBY.

MILDRED
DELIG}ITED, TMSURE.

BOBBY
NOW, GTRIS, STEADY -
I GOT A DATE ALREADY.

CELESTE
THIS IS DINO.

MILDRED
HELLO, THERE.
 SeTuRDAY NrcHT'' -77-

CELESTE
AND TTIIS IS GENE.

MILDRED
OOH, MY GOODNESS -
LIKE FROM A MAGAZINE.

PINHEAD
For crying out lou4 t got a wife waiting in Florida!
(HE andGENE exit)

MILDRED
WHATS TFM MOVIE?

TED
I GOT NO IDEA.

DINO--
HOPETTS DIRTY.

RAY
HURRY IIP, IT'S SEVEN.THIRTY -
PRICE GOES UP AFTER EIG}IT AND THERE'LL BE A LINE.

TED
rt
] rcT,S GET STARTED _ MILDRED,S GOES UP AT NINE:J
CELESTE
WHO'LLTAKE MILDRED?
TED, YOU CAN TAKE MILDRED.

ARTIE
NO WORLD BEAIER ...

RAY
PROBABLY AHEAVY EATER.

DINO
SHE'S NO BARGAIN -
ARTIE, RAY, DINO, TED
BUT SNLL AND ALt S}IE'S A GIRL.
-18- SA,ruRDAv Nt GHT

DINO
THEY'RE A BOY'S BEST FRIEND.

TED
DEUGHTED -
MILDRED
DELIGHTED -
ARTIE, RAY, DINO
DELIGHTED -
CELESTE
I'M DELIGHTED -
ALL BUT RAY
NO END ...

RAY
NO CABS! ...

ALL BUT RAY

NO END ...

RAY
NO DOLTS ...

ALL BUT RAY

NO END ...

RAY
NO LOGE SEATS ...

ALL BUT RAY

NO END ...

RAY
NO CRUMMY PHOTOS ...

ALL BUT RAY

NO END ...
End Of Scene One
 SeTuRDAY Nrcrr -79-

Scene Two
(scENE: An antqoom outsidc of the Grand Ballroom at the Phza Hotel in
Ivlanluttan Later tlut aming.)

MALE VOCALIST
rM SMART AS A FOX
WITH BONDS AND WITH STOCIG;
I'VE CORNERED WHEAT, ALFALFA AND RYE.
BUT NOW I'M TIRED OF
THAT HUE AND CRY.
CONSOUDATED LOVE
ISALLI BUY.

WHEN PUT TO TI.IE TEST,

I LIKE TO I}WEST,
BUT I WON'T BE A GREAT FINANCIER.
LOVE'S THE STOCK I LIKE,
ITS FREE AND CLEAR,
AND IT'LL BE BLI,'E CHIP
IF YOU CHIP IN WITH ME, MY DEAR!

LOVES A BOND THAT'S PURE.

ITS DTYIDENDSARE SURE.
THIS BOND,IFYOU GET IT,
IS STABLEAND YETIT
WILL GROW tr YOU LET IT MATURE.
AND DARLING, HAVE YOU HEARD?
A RISE IN STOCIG HAS JUST OCCURED,
IF SOLD IN THE DARK,IT
WILSOON FLOOD THE MARKET.
THOUGH LOVE IS COMMON,
STILLAND ALL TT'S PREFERRED.

and a GIRL anter, Iaughtng,

TDANCE MUSIC ontinues as tzw BOYS
to tfu iloor. The GIRL
aryaging in inansequaiial clutter while TITEY mooe
t"ii *1 a cigarette anit ONE of ttu BOYS rcaclta into his podcet for a
it up to tlu
tighta u* ieve ryickty whiis out his wn tighter andholds
Cinft cigarettc. SHE liks at him a bit surprixil, but accepts tlu light)
-20- StruRDAy Nrcnr
.-
;"__-l
GIRL i

Thank you.

GENE
Notat all.
(As tlu BOYS and GIRL enter tlu ballroom, oNE of the Boys lunds tlu
ATTENDANT three passqut &ecks. very gracefully, GENE wark in with
them as if HE were part of tlu group. The ATTENDANT looks after hrm)

ATTENDANT
]ust a moment, sir. I'm sorry, but I didnt see your tickeL

GENE
Otu sor{r. Be with you in a second, Gary..
That's funny-had it a minute ago-

ATTENDANT
No ticket, no dance.

GENE
Lefs see-I took out my handkerchief in the washroom
floor.
- it must have fallm on the

(Starts rury)
I'll only be a second.

ATTENDANT
Tirke your time, sir.
GIETENE antas)

ATTENDANT
Sorry, Miss-this is a hat check.

HELENE
Really? That was careless. You must have given it to me instead of a pass-out check.
ATTENDANT
Thrce other people made ttre same claim tonight.I convinced them all they were
wrong. They didn't make any trouble

HELENE
Are you insinuating by
"r,y
drance ttrat - ?
 ..f

SeTuRDAY Ntcnr

ATTENDANT
Ihaveatheory.Youopenedyourbagtookoutahankieandthepass-outfellonthe
ground'
HELENE
I'11 go and see.
ATTENDANT
Do that'
^..-,-^quickly
(HELENE walks
nt
-.,,n., chedeinglurboS'ru
--.:^t-t., away,
! TTENDANT
funns

and stands iust inside i" a*rt.HEtENE catclus sight of GENE, whose-back
istoutards't*.SruetegarikhimreflectittelyforayoytytLThm'sudilenly'
SHEbutstsintoEarsoryappwlingturs.GENEwhirlsaround,looPsatlur
to ttu spot. Betwem sobs,
in astonishmmt. Bapilderd, HE sinds rooted _)
what she M aunted on, so
HELENE notescENE,s inactioity. This isn,t

HELENE
(Still in tears)
Please - leave me - alone-
GENE
Huh?
HELENE
a thick Soutlum accent)
(Suddenty tmealing
wanting to help me-but ah'm beyond
Ah mean-donjt ttrink ah don t appreciate yo'
help.
GENE
Believe me if therds anything at all I can do-
HELENE
Would y'all have an o(tra hankie? Mahn's all
drenched'
GENE
Why cerainlY-only haPPY to-
(Ilanits lur his lundkachie!)

HELENE
(DabWather eYu)
So kind ofYou.
(Alast ilab atlur eYes)
you an explanation?
'lltere now ah'm all through sobbin-' Ah suppose ah owe
-22- SaruRDAy Nrcrr

GENE
No. Not at all. Sl
HETENE
I had the mos' awfuI row with my fiance. Do you lnow my fiance? A
GENE
Sorry, I don't even know who you are.
I'
H
HETENE
as if you might be a friend of his. Charles is his name. Charles Winthrop
Jou-fook
Sterling.
u
GENE
Let's see-I think there was a charlie sterling i. my class at Darbnouth-

HELENE
Charles was Flahvad. Didn't take nohow. He's plain stupid. That's what
started the
row. Ah said, "Charles Winthrop Sterling the third, youte plain stupid.-
He walked
right ou! got himseu right into a cab and drove right home. But fo,give
me, ahm
keeping you from yo' date n est<e pas?

GENE
developed a terrible migraine headactre, so I drove her home-i.
9.h, "o.sh9
Pierce. And here I am. -y
HELENE
And here ah arn. Whats yo, name?

, GENE
Eugene Goulding Gonnan-the third.

HELENE
And ah'm Helene Calhoun Forrester. Ah know it s childish of me
to accent the
C-alhoun.

GENE
You didn't have to with me. I know my American history.

ITELENE
Isn't ttre music swelegant?
 .,'
SeTuRDAY Nrcrr -23-
GENE

Swelegant.

HELENE
Ah'm not upset anymore and ah feel like dancing'
GENE
look like sardines in there'
I would be honored, Miss Forrester. I dorft know-they
Here we have this place all to ourselves'
HELENE
What a lovelY idea.

fi{IS IS MCE,ISN'T IT?

AH MEAN TIIE MUSIC.
THIS IS MCE, ISN'T IT?
AH MEAN THE BAND.
DON'T YOU THINK
WE MAKE NATURAL PARTNERS?
AH MEAN, LIKE FOOD AND DRTNK
OR SUPPLY AND DEMAND.
WE'RE SO RIGI{T, ARENT WE?
AH MEAN FOR DANCING.
HOLD ME TIGI{I, CLING TO ME,
AH MEAN, MY HAND!
AH FEELFINE!
AH'M AGLOW WITTI A SUNDAY SHINE!
COULD AH BE FALUNG TN - ?
AH MEAN TO SAY
WELL ANIYWAY
ISN'T IT GRAND?

WERE SO RIGI{T, AREN'T WE?

A}I MEAN FOR DAI{CING.
HOLD ME TIG}TT, CUNG TO ME,
AH MEAN, MY HAND!
AH FEELFINE!
AH'M AGLOW WTTH A SUNDAY SHINE!
COULD AH BE FALLING IN - ?
AH MEAN TO SAY
WELL, AI{YWAY
ISN'T IT GRAND?
 SeruRD,rY Nrcrr

HELENE
And now ah really shouldn't keep you from yo'friends.

GENE
No,I-
Mss Forrester-suddenly I find this a.ffair very dull, don't you?

HELENE
Why-what have you in mind, Mr. Gorrnan?

GENE
My car is outside. Why don't we go for a drive?

HELENE
Ah'd love to, but ah promised Mamma ahd call her when ah got back to the hotel.
And ah don't want to keep Mamma up. She's pow'fuIold.

GENE
]ust once around the park and then I'll drive you right to your hotel. Where are you
staying?

HELENE
Ah - uh - Ah have a suite at the Waldorf.
(AfEr aslightpause)
All right Once round the park. Is it a very large park?

GENE
No. But I can manage to lose my way.

HELENE
Butyou won'L C-ahse-yo'very nice.

GENE
Sorry I can't offer you anything better than a Pierce-Arrow. Dad's in California with
the Rolls.

HELENE
APierce will be fine.
End Of Scene Two
 Erg
SerunDAv Nlcar -25-
Scene Three
(SCENE; Tlu outside of a mooiehouse. The current fiIm is "samuel
Goldwym's Production of stella Dallas staning Belle Bennett." A sign
announces: "coming next week: By Popular Request! Return Engagement of
" Son of the Sheik' with Rudolph Valmtino and Vilma Banky!! !"

fhe GANC anerges from the mouieluuse.)

' RAY
I PAID SIXTY CENTS FOR THE CAB.

TED
NAY PAIO SIXTY CENTS FOR THE CAB.

ARTIE
SIXTY CENTS FOR THE CAB?

DINO
SIXTY CENTS FOR THE CAB?

... I
ARTIE
:

THE METER ONLY SAID FORTY CENTT$!

RAY
WELL, WHATABOUT T}IE TIP?
TWENTY CENTS FOR TFIE TIP!

TED
BIG SPENDER!

ARTIE
BIG SHOT!

DINO
BIG TIPPER!

TED
I PAID FIFTY CENTS FOR THE HAT CHECK

RAY
FIFTY CENTS FOR THE HAT Ci{ECK.
- 26'- SaruRDAv Nrcrr
ARTIE
I DIDN'T WEAR AI..IY HAT!

DINO
I DIDN'T WEAR ANY HAT!

ARTIE
SO WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR TI{E HAT C}IECK!

HANK
SO WHAT ABOUT THE GUM?
THIRTY CENTS FOR THE GLIM!
YOU GI'YS CHEWED THE GUM,
SO PAY ME FOR THE GUM!

(Adlib ARGLMENTS ooer MUSIC)

CELESTE
shh!

RAY
IPAID - !

DINO
IPAID - !

HANK
AND DON'T FORGET T}TE HERSHEY BARS!

MILDRED
STELLA DALLAS HAD HER DREAMS.
SHE WOI'LD SEE HER DAUGHTER DWELL
IN STATELY HOMES AND PAI.ACES.
STELLA WENT TO ALL EXTREMES
AND FINALLY A WEAUITry FELLA
SHOWED AT STELI.A DALI.A,S'S.

CELESTE
STELI-A WORKED TT PRETTY WELL
BUT IN THE I.AST ANALYSIS,
,TI{OUGH
STELI.A'S DAUGHTER @T THE SWELL,
ALL STELLA GOT WAS CALLUS$.
 SeTuRDAY Nlcrr -27-
MILDRED, CELESTE
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT EVEN THOUGH
YOUR FAMILY TREE IS BARE,
YOU STILL CAN WIND UP THE TNTENDED OF
A WELL.TO.DO MILLIONAIRE!

MILDRED
IT'S SO TRUE!
IT'S SO REAL!
IT HAS SUCH UNWERSAL APPEAL...

CELESTE
AND TT PROVES MR. SAMTJEL GOLDWYN
IS NOBODY'SSCHLEMIEL.
IF A PERSON TREADS THE PATTI OF SIN
SO HER DAUGIfIER CAN EAT QUAIL
IN THE MOVTES SHE'S A HEROINE,
BUT IN BROOKLYN SHE GOES TO IAIL.
IN THE MOVIES, LIFE IS FINER,
LIFETS CLEANER.

BUT IN BROOKLYN, IT'S A MINOR

MISDEMEANOR.

IN T}IE MOVIES, WHEN AGIRL HAS COME

FROM TFIE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS,
IN A WEEK SHE HAS A WEAI.THY CHUM
WHO CAN BTIY HER PRESENTS AT SAKS.
YOU CAN START WITH A BAGEL
AND END UP WTTH CONRAD NAGEL
ONTHE SCREEN,
BUT IN LIFE YOU WIND UP RIGHT BEHIND
A PILLAR IN TT{E MEZZANINE!

FEED THE PLOTTOTHE FISH;

LIFE IS NOT WH.{I TTIE MOVIES MAKE IT SEEM.
STILL, WE'VE GOT DORTrIY GISH -
WE CAN LEAN BACK
AND SETTLE FOR TI{E DREAM.

ARTIE
I PAID THREE BUCKS FOR THE DOLL.
 )'-
-28_ SaruRDAy Nrcrr

TED
THAT'S A PERSONAL PRESENI.

RAY
MILDRED'S YOUR DATE!

DINO
MILDRED'S YOUR DATE!

ARTIE
MILDRED'S OUR COLLECTME DATE!
WE ALL AGREED TO SPLIT I{ER.

TED
A PERSONAL GIFT DON'T COUNI, THOUGH.

ARTIE
SPLIT TTIREE BUCKS FOI'R ITAYS:
YOU AND ME AND RAY AND DINO
-
RAY
M ONLY COST TWO FOR ALL THAT WE
KNOW!

MITDRED
LOOK WHATS COMNG:
VALENTINO!
(Stinky MUSIC)
VALENTINO...
VILMA BANKY...

CELESTE
LOre OF SAND AND
HANIS-PANKY...

MITDRED
Wailing)
AHHHHHHH!
WEARING A PURPLE TURBAN
PANTING, HE HOLDS HIS HAND
OUT.
HE CRUSIfiS HER UPS, SHE SHIVERS
AND SIGHS -
 SeruRD/rr Nrcrr -29-
CELESTE
BUT WAITTILLSHE TRIES
PICKING THE SAND OUT.

MILDRED
(ln agonized ecstasy)
AHHHffi!
CELESTE
HEY WAKE UP THERE,
THEDA BARA,
YOU'RE A LONG WAY
FROM THE SAHARA...

WHEN A GIRL NEEDS MALE COMPANIONSHIP,

ON THE SCREEN SHE CAN KEEP COOL;
SHE IUST SLOUCHES AND EXTENDS HER HIP
WHILE SHE WHSPERS, "KJSS ME, MY FOOL!"
TT'S AMOVIE TRADMON,
BT,TT WHEN I'M IN THAT POSMON,

I GET CRAMPS.
SO I FOLD MY TENT AND
PAY THE RENT AND
LEAVE THE VAMPING TO THE VAMPS.

IF YOU MUST BE UKE THEM

AND YOU'RE IUST GETTING UPAHEAD OF STEAM,
NEVER TRUST M.G.M.

CELESTE & MILDRED

KEEPYOUR HIPS IN
AND SETTLE FOR THE DREAM!
End Of Scene Three
 l'.

-30- SaTURDAY Nrcrr

Scene Four
l

(SCENE: GEME'S porch, sanerallnurslater. BOBBY stretdud out on tlu

sofa. After a moment tlu plane RINGS. BOBBY gets up, xtitdrcs on the
AI
light, goes to the plone.)

BOBBY
Ye
(lnta plnne)
Hello? Gene? Where,ue you - at the drug store? - Yea, she's still here -
lc
(Imks ooer at tlu empA ilng)
She's stretched out on the swing out like a light. Well, she deserves a rest. No, you
dort't have to stall. You can come right over. I'll get her up put her in a cab and send W
her home -And thanks for the use of the hall
- I hope you did as well as I did.
(BOBBY exits to lnuse. Enter CELESTE, I{ANK, MILDRED, MY TED,
DINO, anil AMTE)
o
CELESTE g
Who's hr:ngry?

MILDRED
I could eat a little something.

RAY
Ye Gods! Thirteen dollars and forty cents worth of Chinese food these dames put
away - and they'rehungry!

MILDRED
Chinese food doesr/t stay with you very long.

DINO
Holy cow! What went on on this swing?

ARTIE
That sonavabitch Bobby. Doesrt't even shave and he makes the grade all the time.
(BOBBY antos)

BOBBY
Hello, suckers.

CELESTE
(To Mildred)
Come oru we'll fix something in the kitchen
 SeTuRDAY Nrcrr -31 -
(CELESTE and MLDRED exit tolause)

DINO
All right - start exaggerating.

ARTIE
Yeah. Let's have some of the juicy details'

BOBBY
I can't.
(lao?6 atRaY)

We have a virginPresent
(TheBOYS laugh)

RAY
Ok y, Iaugh your way outta this. I figured it out in the cab coming here' Each of you
SUys owe me -
(GENE mws)

GENE
Well, who won't PaY whom this time?
RAY
sadly mistakeru
If anybody thfutks they can slip away without Paying me' they're
. CELESTE
the coffee and sandwictres'
Stop the arguing ani ererybody come inside and helP with
(ru GANG exits intolotx)
So, how did You do tonight?
GENE
- I met a Calhoun'
Celeste, the most wonderful thing happened

CELESTE
What's that?
GENE
hundred yeals ago'
Don t you.remember? The famous Southern
statesrran? Oh - about a

CELESTE
And you methim? How old ishe anYwaY?
 ,

-32- SaruRDAy Nrcrr

. GENE
Celeste, do you l,:now that her family has been living on the same plantation since 7Z12?

CELESTE
No. This is news to me.

GENE
I think she liked me - I think she really liked me.

CELESTE
WelI, why shouldn't she?

GENE
And of course I'll never see her again.
(Tlu G/.}.IG mters)

RAY
No, sir - take it to court I,m not paying for the cab!
-
(lheplwne RINGS)

BOBBY
If that's my motheg l'm on my way home.

GENE
(Into plone)
Hello - Yes, ttris is Eugene Goruran.
(Puts lunil ooer reeioer; to ttuboys)
It's some dame.

ARTIE
A dame! Where's the o<tension?

GENE
Qnto phone)
Are you sure you've got tlre right Eugene Gornran? I've
got a cousin by tLut name...
whafs your rulme?'c-anyou come over for a few minutes?, weII,
l"*"
know...
I don t

DINO
He don tlcrow, he says!
 SeTuRDAY Nrcrr

GENE

(lnto Plnne)

It's urgent? ...ok"y.Do you know my address? ...You

do?! ...All right lll be waiting
for you.
HANK
sake? Dort't you know what she wants?
what were you hesitating about, for God's
GENE
I haven t the slightest idea who she is'
HANK
That makes it more fun.
CELESTE
How do YIu know that makes it more fun?
GENE
Where does she know me from,I wonder?
BOBBY
and tra&ed you down'
oh, she probably saw you someplace liked your looks
It happens to me all the time.
GENE
Excuseme,I'mSoingupstairsandgetintosomethinS-alittlemorecomfortable'
CELESTE
kt's go home, Hank- Maybe there ll be a phone call for me'
(CELESTE andHANKuit)

BOBBY
Gene is'
Frankly, fm wor.ied. I dort't know how experienced
TED
As opposed to You?
BOBBY
Making out requires considerable care and plarming'
ARTIE
Like for irstance?
 SeTURDAY Nrcrr

BOBBY
EVERY UTTLE PILLOW HAS TTS USE.
TAKE IT FROM A CONNOISSOOR.
[,M THE BOY WHO COINED THE WORD "SEDUCE,"
NOT A LOUSY AMACHOOR.
EVERY LITTLE THING HAS ITS FTINCTION
rN CoMUNCTION
WIT}I AMOUR.
TAKE IT FROM A BOY WHO'S HAD
RENDEZVOOS GALOOR.
TO IMPRESS, TOAPPEAL,
USE FINESSE, BE GENTEEL.

EXHIBIT "A":
A COUCH MUST BE SPRAYED WITH
THE FRAGRANCE OF NEW PINE,
AND SOON ALLVERTICAL TI{INGS'LL BE SUPINE.
A WOMAN'LL FEEL AT EASE,
AS LONG AS SHE'S SMELLIN' TREES
IN BLOOM.

E}GIIBIT "B":
A DOOR AIN'T A DOOR TILL
YOU CLOSE M AND LOCK IT.
SHE CAN'T GET OUT
tF THE KEY'S IN YOUR POCKEI,
AND NOBODY ET.SE BUT YOU CAN GET IN -
TI{E ROOM!

EXHIBII "C":
MUSIC, IF IT'S SLOW AND SMOOTH;
HATI{ CHARMS TO SOOTHE
THE SAVAGE BREAST.
GET HER STRETCHED OLTT
AND LETRHYTITM DO THE RES[.
THAT FASCINATIN' R[.TYTHM...

EXHIBIT "D":
A CUSHION IS IUSTLIKE
AGIRLWHEN TT'S FLTJFFED UP.
 SeTuRDAY Nlcrr

(BOBBY)
GIRIS AND CUSHIONS ARE
MEANT TO BE ROUGHED UR
BUT NEVE& NEVER PAWED!
TO APPEAL, TO IMPRESS,
BE GENTEEL, USE FINESSE
WITH THE SHYEST AND DAINTIEST
CREATURE ON EARTH - A BROAD.

EX}IIBIT "E":
A FLASK TS FOR GIRIS WHO
MAY HAVE T}IEIR SUSPICIONS.
A SHOT WILL HELP'EM FORGET INHIBITIONS.
THE SHOT'LL BECOME A CUP,
AND FINALLY IT'LLBE "BOTTOI\{S UP!"

EXHIBIT "F":
A HAMMOCK IS DRA}ry, A PLACE TO CATCH COLD IN.
BUT]UST REMEMBER THAT SILENCE IS GOLDEN,
AND HAMMOCKS ARE BETTER THAN SOFAS OR SWINGS:
NO SPRINGS!

EXHIBIT "G":
LTGHTS MAKE A ROOM CHEERIER,
BUT I PREFERTHE LIGHTS THAT FAIL
,CAUSE WUH NO UGFITS,

YOU CAN TALK TO HER IN BRAILLE.

THAT'S WHA'T THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY LOVE IS BLIND!

EXHIBIT "H":
A GIRL IS A THING WHICH IS MADE
OUT OF GLASS AND LACE.
SO YOU MUST TAKE CARE
WHEN YOU'RE SEITTNG tJP SHOP;
IF YOU WANT TO COME OUT ON TOR
THEN PUT EVERY PROP IN ITS PROPER PLACE.
JUST CHECKING:
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I -
REST lvfY CASE!
-36- SaruRDAy Nrcrr
(MILDRED enters)

MITDRED ..- H
Shall I bring the coffee out here?
TI
TED
No time for that Gene,s got a visitor coming.
Y€
MILDRED
What kind of visitor?
(GENE aiers) II
II
GENE
I don't want to appear inhospitabre but I think you,d better
go now.
"v
MILDRED
Good night, Mr. GomrarS and for your infor:rration
I,m free next saturday night
AI
ARTIE
The hell you arc. you,re going out with me.
A
DINO
otu yeah?

ARTIE
Yeah!

BOBBY In
Gme take notes. We'll compare later.
Dc
GENE
I'll try not to let the neighborhood down.
"H
(GANG exits, HELEM enters)
di(
Helene -
HELENE
Gorrnan
Iti
I\zlr.
- hownice toseeyou again.

GENE For
What happmed to your southern accent? ari

HELENE
What happmed to your park Avenue aparbnmt? I'V
 SaTURDAY Nlcrr -37-
GENE
How did you track me down?
HELENE
That snapshot you gave me. The one you took from your wallet.

GENE
,"r me on a yacht in the Mediteranean
-
.
HELENE
I looked at it again when I got home. Stuck to it was this - your driver's license.
I looked you up in the phone book.

GENE
"When you got home," you said. Where is home?

i HELENE
Albemrarle Rgad. About a mile from here -And the yacht in the Mediterranean?

GENE
A rented fishi.g boat in Sheepshead Bay. Six of us chipped in.
(HELENE starts to laugh. And untinues to laugh. AII GENE can muster is a
wry smile)

HELENE
(tler laughtu growing)
In a minute fU be crying -
I GENE
Don't, Helene.
HELENE
"Helene." That's phony too. I was christened just plain Helen. And "Forreshr" -
didn't you wonder about ttnt? Didn't that sound a little too southem?
. GENE
:

It isn:t - Forrester?
HELEN
Fogel Helen Fogel. But I really do live on Albermarle Road. And that does sound
aristocratig doesr't it?

GENE
I've seen Alber:narle Road. It isn't bad.
 I - I tl-/

-38- SaTURDAY Nlcrr

HELEN ,.

But it's still BrooklYn.

GENE
Yes, it's still Brooklyn. I have a confession to make, too.I'm not a Darknouth man.
I never went to college at all.

HELEN
I'm sorry to hear that. Too bad we didn't make it into that dance. It looked like fun.
GENE
Oh, it wasn't nearly as elegant as last weeKs, and the week before was really -
HELEN
You mean you do this atl the time?

GENE
Of course, dorft you?

HELEN
No for years fve been dreaming about it but tonight was the first time I ever got
-
up the courage. I suppose if your life is drab you ry fantasy.

GENE
It won't be fantasy with me much longer. I've got a tip on the markel

HELEN
Oh, the stock market - the greatest fantasy of them all. That's what my father says.
What do your folla think of it all? I don't mean the market, I mean you - and the
tails - and the Dartmouth?
GENE
I've only got a father, and he's on the road practically all the time - sells undensear

- women's underwear.
HELEN
My mother says I'm cazy.Just plain sary. My father says ['ll grow out of it.

GENE
What does he do? I mean what's his business?

HELEN
It's chickens. He sells chickens wholesale to butchers. And he does very well. And he
gets mad whm I say he's in the Poultry btrsiness. He says it's chickens and he's
proud of it
 : '4.1..

SiruRDAv Nl -39-
(GENE, nwJ more relaxeil, starts the record on the gramoplwne. Tlu MUSIC
to " A lvbment Vfrtlt You" begins)

HELEN
Whafs that? It sounds familiar -

GENE
It should. We heard itiust a few hours ago at the Plaza.

HETEN
Not qgite the Plaza. The foyer at the Plaz.a.

GENE
That's close enough.

HELEN
No, it isn't. But for us it'll have to do. It was so wonderful dancing with you.
I wonder - would it make a difference now that it's a front porch in Flatbush and
not a foyer on Fifth Avenue?

GENE
Well - let's see -
MALE VOCALIST
IT TOOK WILBUR WRIGI{T
YEARS TO LEARN TOBtiILD SOMETHING THAT i'TTW
BUT MY HEART TOOK ruGHT IN NO TIME
BY SPENDING A MOMENT WITH YOU.

IT TOOK FRED ASTAIRE

}GARS TO LEARN TO TAP OUT THAT TATTOO,
BUT I DANCED ON AIR IN NO TIME
BY SPENDING A MOMENT WITII YOU!

GENE & MALE VOCALIST

THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES WAS A PLEASURE -
MY PERSONAL TREASURE WAS IN IT.
I.P. MORGAN WORKS WEEKENDS -
I GOT RICH IN A MINUTE!
 SaruRDAy Nrcrr

HELEN, GENE & MAIE VOCATIST

IT TOOK SIGMIJND FREUD ..w
YEARS TO LEARN WHAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL BLUE.
BUTI'M OVERJOYED:
I AVOID BEING LOW 1,!

JUST By SPENDTNG A MOMENT WITII yOU!

THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES WAS A PLEASURE
- B'
MY PERSONAL TREASURE WAS IN IT.
I.P. MORGAN WORKS WEEKENDS - D
I GOT RICH IN A MINUTE!
w

HETEN & GENE MALE VOCALIST

rr TooK
TT TOOK MISTER
SIGMUND FREUD
FREUD -
HE GOT QUITE ANNOYED!
YEARS TO LEARN

LEARN
WHAT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL BLUE. I
WHA'T MAKES PEOPLE FEEL
\
UNHAPPY AND BLUE.
BUT BIJT
I'M I'M NO MORE INAVOID.
ovERfoYED:
MY CARES ARE DESTROYED
I AVOID BEING LOW I AVOID BEING LOW
IUST BYSPENDING JUSTBYSPENDING
A MOMENT WITH AMOMENTWIM...
YOU! A MOMENT WTTH YOU!
A MOMENT WTN{ YOU!

(HELEN and GENE KISS, but the record lus a qack in it anil the
VO CAIJST con tinu es r ep e ti tio ely )

MALE VOCALIST
A MOMENT WIT}I -
A MOMENT WTTH -
A MOMENT WTTH -
A MOMENT WITH YOU!
(T'lu souND of tlu
saatching actoss record graooes
needle itbings -
HELEN and GENE back to their senxs andTHEybreak apart)
 SeTURDAY Nrcar

I{ELEN
What's the matter?
GENE
We're being watched.
HELEN
By whom?
GENE
Let's keep dancing' They
Don't be frightened. It's the boys from the neighborhood-
were here *h"o you called. Naturally they want to see how
I make out'

HELEN
By "make out " do you mean what I think you mean?
GENE
us kiss' Especially if it
I mean what you think I mean. It would help a lot if they saw
were followed by me tuming out the light'
HELEN
oh?
GENE
into my car and I drive you
-Imean, I tgrn out the light, we sneak out the back way,
home and everybodY's haPPY'
HELEN
Otr, that sounds dl riSht'
(A slight pause and SHE hlolds up tur face to be kissed)

GENE
No - over by the light. I don t want them to miss a thing'

HELEN
Now?
themseloes in it'
(IilE nods and THEY kiss again, anil again tluy seem to lose
to reach oaer and tun out
Especiatly CinNn, pr it ,s HETEN wlw finatty lus
the tight: THEy bicnme tuo inilistinct figures in the
darkness)
Ita.
i$f
i]|
q
-42- SeruRDAv Nrcrr
GENE
Helene - I

HELEN
Yes?

GENE
We don t have to sneak out right now do we? I mean - you don't have to go home
right away, do you, Helene?
HELEN
Helene doesn't, but Helen does.
Come on -
(SHE anil GENE eit into louse)

End of Scene Four

Scene Five
(SCEIVE: Tlu street outside tlu por&, immediately after)

BOBBY
Our boy Gene has a lot to leam. She had to reach over and turn out the light.

TED
What's the difference? The light is out, ain't it?

RAY
All over the natioru all over the world, hands are reaching out2nd hrming otrlights
- andlookatus!
BOBBY
Don't look at me.I did pleng alright tonight. /
(BOBBY exits. ,tKTIE, the Sunday pryfrs und,crhis arm, ettters)

DINO
What - back already?
ARTIE
Her father was waiting up for her. But I think I laid some nice groundwork for next
Saturday night
TED
The story of my life. Next Saturday night
 SaTuRDAY Nlcrr -43-
ARTIE
In the meantime we have this - the Bachelors' Home Companion'
ALL
THINGS'D BE DIFFERENT
ANY OTHER NIGHT INSTEAD,
BUT WE'RE ON OUR OWN
ON ASATURDAY NIGHT,
WITH NO ONE TO PHONE
ONASATURDAY NIGHT,
AND WHEN YOU'RE ALONE
ON A SATURDAY NIGHT,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD!
(THEY exit)

End of Scene Five

Scene Six
(scEM: Ttu mpty inteior of a sutton Pbce apartmmt, the next afternoon.
volcEs archcard and thm MR. FLETCHER, a starchy rental agmt,
ushers GENE andHELEN into tlu room.)

MR. FLETCHER
...and this is the drawing room. Egg-and-dart mouldinp genuine parquet floor, wood-
burning fueplace, and ample room for a bar.

GENE
Rather nice size drawing room for a city apartnnent.

.MR. FLETCHER
Colonel Woodmore - did most of his enter-
Exceptional. The previous tenant -
taining in this room.

GENE
I'm just wondering-Helene, how do you think the Renoir'would look above the
fireplace?

HELEN
Every bit as good as Your Matisse.
 l'4
-u- SaruRDAy Nlcrr
3"t
r

GENE
$o un. FLETCHER) Cc
And what about the wine closet? us

MR. FLETCHER
oh, dear. I'm a.fraid the keys are in my office. If you wait here I,ll get them for you. sh

GENE
Tirke your time.
(MR. FLETCHER exits) n
th
HELEN
What are you wasting that poor man s time for?
Lr
GENE
Ifs just window shopping.
Tt
HELEN
Iook You promised me a drive to Westchester and_ II
GENE
I have it *y wallet over six hundred dollars
morning we take the plunge on Montana Cheru - the syndicate's money. Tiomorrow A
Corp.
(DOOKBELL)
What's that? )
c
HELEN
r your syndicate, complete with girlfriend. when you asked me for a drive
Ba
didn't
I
know you had asked the entire neighborhood, too.
(ARTIE, MILDRED, DINO TED, and RAy mta)

RAY
For cryin' out loud, how long we expected to wait in the street?

DINO
A cop is looking at us cross-eyed.

TED
Wow!Is this the cat's pajamas!

RAY
No matter what they tell yoq that's not a real fireplace.
 SeruRDAv Ntcur

MITDRED
Come on. I want to see the kitchen. When everything is so fancy, the kitchen is
usually is terrible.

DINO
Shouldn't we drop breadcmmbs? We may never find our way back.
(Ihe GANG exits)

HELEN
They'd better be out of here by the time Mr. Fletcher gets back. Do you know what
they'll do to that poor man?

GENE
Look at this view - Isn't that bridge something?

HELEN
It could use a coat of paint.
GENE
Imagine how it must look at night-all lit up-

HELEN
Averitable fairyland.

GENE
Yes,I think I could be happy in an apartment like this. I can see myself of an evening
coming back here from the Exchange, where I've just cornered wheat-or steel-

HELEN
Or banana oil-
GENE
I seat myself by the fireplace in a Louis Quatorze chair -

- in my.hand a tumbler of Napoleon Brandy-I open my coPy of Town and

Country-
HELEN
AIl right. Thats enough of that.
 /tJ ----Tr :!-..:
l L.t.
*:
t: SeruR D AY N IGHI

GENE
Whats the matter with you?

HELEN
Grow up, Gene! Face it-you'll never have an aparhnent like this. You'll marry
Mildred or Celeste's sister and wind up in a two-family semi-attached stucco house
on Avenue M someplace. And me, I'll marry my father's c.P.A. or his head shipping
derk and you know what? we'll probably wind up in the sa:rre two-family semi-
attached stucco house that you do.

GENE
Maybe you'll wind up on Avenue M, but not me. Never. Look-just a few blocks
from here, you know who lives there? The elevator boy in my building downtown.
Just a few-
HELEN
I'm sick and tired of that damn elevator boy! I've known you less than twenty-four
hours and you've thrown him at me a dozen times! So he got rich. so will lob of
others. But you never will. There's just something about you. You'll never be rich.
(Tlu GANG antus)

MILDRED
It's a wonderful kitchen for people who eat out a lot.

TED
I can't get over the size of this place. I wonder how it is for echoes.
(And HE yodcls. Tllc ?THERS join in.In tlu miikt of this, MR FTETCHER
reantas)

MR. FLETCHER
I'm sorry, I was delayed at the-
(HE stops slnrt at tlu sight and sunil of tluse strangers, but TIIEY go ight
on yodeling. GEf{E fiies ilesperatcty to pass it off as nmething quaint anil
amusing)

GENE
All righf Theodore, thafs quite enougtu you too, Arthur.

TED AND ARTIE

(Simultaneously)
Theodore?! Arthur?
 SeTuRDAY Ntcr

GENE

(To Mr. FIETCHER)

uh-You mustn't mind my-uh-chums.Th"y have a quaint serue of humor'

TED AND ARTIE

(Still simultanausly)
Chums!
MR. FLETCHER
I see.
RAY
Tell mq just out of curiosity-what's the bite on this joint?

MR. FLETCHER
The rental is fifty-five hundred a year.

ARTIE
Fifty-five hundred ayeax for a place without an echo?
GENE
is amused'
okay, tads and lassies, enough iapery. I don't think MI. Fletcher
RAY
be dark before we get to the county, and I paid for the
gas'
Come on, it'll
DINO
And so we say farewell to beautiful Sutton Place'
(GANG eilts)
,

MR. FLETCHER
If you'll forgive me, I have an appointment uptown'
GENE
Ah, Mr. Fletcher-
MR. FLETCHER
Yes, Mr. Gorrran?

GENE
I-uh-I'm rather inctined to take this apartnrent'
 l'4
9',1
-48- StruRDAv Nrcnr
HELEN t'-
What? And h(
You ga
MR. FLETCHER buy th,
You mean you're prepared to sign a lease and put down a deposit?

GENE I didn'
Oh - How large a deposit?

MR. FLETCHER WeIl, t

Five-hundred-and-fifry dollars.

GENE Ill bor

I see. Five-hundred-and-fif9.

MR. FLETCHER But it

If therds nothing further I can do for you-
GENE They,
I hope you don't mind taking it in bills. mone'

MR. FLETCHER
Yes. Thank you. If you'Il come down to my office, I'll make out a receipt. "..--t $t

GENE
Oh, iust send it to me at Kuhn, Loeb & Co., 52 William Street.

MR. FLETCHER
52 William Street Very good, sir.' Good
(MR. FLETCtlERexits)

GooC
HELEN
Have you any idea what you've done? t

GENE
I had to!Did you see the way-that look of well-bred contempt-? He knew I was a
phony-
HELEN
How did you want him to look at you? You are a phoni,@8
GENE
Now I am, but not ttree months from now whm I've parlayed my killing from
Montana Chem. Cory. into-
 SeruRDAv Nrcrr -49-

And how are yqu going to make a killing in Montana Chem. Corp.? Or anything else?
You gave him the syndicate's money. What do you plan to use tomorrow moming to
buy the stock with?

,'
GENE
I didn't think of'that..

HELEN
Well, think about:it a little while.
,.
GENE
1
I'll borrow it! On.the car - I can get five-fifty on the Pierce easy.

-'j
.! HELEN
t
But it isn't your car.

GENE
They don't have iir lrrow that. Just a loan for one week. By Saturday lll have the
money back three times over and nobody'll lnow anything.
.:
HELEN
Im going back to the car-before you get the loan on it.

BOBBY
Good night, Eugene GouldingGorman, the Third.

GENE
Good night, Sport
End of Scene Six
 3','l
-50- SeTURDAY Nrcrr'

Scene Seven
(scENE: The street outsiile the porch. Mondry thtough Fnday of tlu
follouting week)

DINO
RAILROADS T.JP...

RAY
ELECTRICS UP...
DINO
CURRENCIES, UTILITIES -
RAY
COMMODMES -
BOTH
UP!
MONTANA CHEM. -
DINO
- DOWN A POINT AND A HALF.
LOOK GENE SAY' 'WAIT I,'NTIL TOMORROW."
GENE SAYS, "TOMORROW WE'LL LAUGH."
GENE SAYS, 'WE'RE IN A BOOM -
TOMORROW ZOOt0,d
RIGI{T OFF OF THE GRAPH!"

ARTIE
U. S. STEELIS UPTHREE POINTS,
CONSOLIDATED EDISON FIVE.
TED
TOBACCO - ?

ARTIE
UP.
OILAS WELL.
UP FOURAND SEVEN-EIGI{THS FOR TEL & TEL.

TED
MONTANA CHEM. - ?
 SeruRDAy Nrcrr -51 -
ARTIE
MONIANA CHEM. -
MONTANA CHEM. -
TED, ARTIE
- FELL.
BI.rT GENE SAYS THE MARKET'S MEDIOCRE,
GENE SAYS TOMORROW'S A CINCH.
GENE SAYS HE HEARD IT FROM SOME
WHO'S THE NEPHEW OF A BROKER 'OKER
DOWN AT MERRILL LYNCH.

CELESTE
BOOTLEG WAR...
SKIRTS ARE GETTING HIGHER ...

HANK
GOOD.
COULD I SEE T}IE FINANCIAL PAGE - ?

CELESTE
AL SMITH SAYS HOOVER IS A LIAR ...

HANK
BIG STIRPRISE.
HONEY GIVE ME THE FINANCTAL PAGE _
CELESTE
GUESS WHO DIED -
WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THE FINANCIAL PAGE?
(MUSICstops)

HANK
Nothing. I was thinking of Gene and the gang.
CELESTE
Oh. Let's see...
BONDS ARE UP ...
HANK
MONTANA CHEM. - ?

CELESTE
I'M GETTING TO IT.
STOCIG ARE UP
ALL ALONG THE LINE...
 SeTURDAY Ntcnr

HANK
MONIANA CHEM. - ?

CELESTE
MONTANA CHEM. DOWN A LMTLE -
HANK
DOWN A LITILE?
Hell,
WHAT'S A LITTLE?

CELESTE
NINE. I dii
Nob
HANK
BUT GENE SAID -
CELESTE
Hel,
I lcrow what Gene said, and it breaks my heart. Thank God you didn't listm to him ...

ALL
CORN WENT UP, oh,
WHEAT WENT UP,
EVERYTHING, YOU NAME TT
ON THE STREET WENT UP.
.,...*f fil
MONIANA CHEM. DID NOT GO UP,
BUT IT DIDMT GO DOWN!
oh
ARTIE
FIRST TIME!
Hc
ALL
AND GENE SAYS,
TOMORROW IT'LL TAKE THE TOWN, He
THE STOCK IS GOING OUT OF SIGHT!
JUST WArr UNTILTOMORROW NIGIIT!

HANK, TED, DINO w

WAIT UNIIL TOMORROW ...

RAY, ARITE H
CC
WAIT LINTTL TOMORROW ...
LC

ALL
GENE SAY' WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW...
N
End Of Scene Seven
 SeruRDAv Nrcrr
Scene Eight
(SCENE: Ttu Front Porch. Tlufollouing Saturday night, L0:30 PM.

HETEN is aming up the steps. GENE, ilresseil in white tie anil tails,
comeshunidly out.)

GENE
Hello, darling. I'll pay the cab.

HELEN
I didn't take a cab. I took the trolley.Ifs all right- I hid my face in a newspaper.
Nobody who knows you saw me.
(HE lus helped. HER out of lur aat and tatices tlut she is informally dresxd)

GENE
Helen-I said fonnal. We can't go hear Guy Lombardo with you dressed like that.

HELEN
Oh, I got the impression we were going to stay home and listen to him on the radio.
(MR. FISHERaiers)

MR. FISHER
I filled everythingout.
GENE
Oh, Mr. Fisher, have you met Miss Fog-

HELEN
How do you do?
MR. FISHER
Hello. Here is your copy.
(MR. FISHERexits)

HELEN
Who is that gentleman and why isn't he wearing tails?

GENE
Helen, Mr. Fisher is from the Finance Company that made me the loan on my
cousinis car. Well -we renegotiated the deal. I got another week. Now, let's see - we
can't go dancing.It's too late for the cinema, so what-

HELEN
No, Gene, it's not the cinema.It's the movies.
 ,u tT. t\ffr*-'-' tv{
-54- SeruRDAy Nlcxr
GENE
Ok y. What can we do?

HELEN
It's wonderfuI out I'd love to take a drive.

GENE
I don't think we ought to take the car out tonight. Ttrerds a knock in
the motor I
don't like
(MR. FISHER *tters)

MR. FISHER
The damn thing won't start. you stue you gave me the right
key?

GENE
l4lhy-uh-let's have a look at it-
HELEN
What-damn-thing?
GENE
Let's seenow. Oh-
MR. FISHER.
Just give me the right key.

GENE
Ah-here it is. They look so much alike.
(MR. FISHER exits)

HELEN
You sold the car!

GENE
Well-yes and no.

HELEN
Your cousin's car!

GENE
Mr' Fisher, the sonofabitch, wouldn't extmd the loan
so I sold him the car for twelve
hundred bucks.

HELEN
But it wasn't your car to sell. Didn t Mr. Fisher realize
that?
 , GENE
The name on the owner's slip is Eugene Gorman. It's ry name, too...

HELEN
You'll go tojail!

GENE
No, I won't Eugene won t be back from Florida for a week yet By that time Montana
Chem. Corp. will be rp to ten. I'll buy the car back from the Finance Company.
.' HELEN
Working on Wall Stseet is ruining you, Gene. If you ever get out of this mess, would
you take another job?
: GENE
t:
What other work can I do? I only know the world of High Finance-

HELEN
Listen-I.vb spoken to my father about you. He'll give you a job in his poultry plant.
GENE
Doingwhat?
.,)

11ELEN
He says nahrally you'll statr at the bottom. But theres a great future in the chicken
business. .
, GENE
Just what is corsidered the bottom in the chicken business?

HELEN
Plucking.

GENE
What?! You want me to-You ask me to pluck chickens?!

HELEN
Only for a year or so. Less, if you're good at it.My father says-

GENE
Heleru if you love me you'll never mention it again! Me, plucking chick-

HELEN
"lfyoulove me?" Are you assuming I love you?
 SaTURDAY Nrcxr

GENE
Helen-its just an expression-I'm sorry it sotrnded like I was assuming. I wasrf t.
The words - just came out-do you know what I mean?

HELEN
If you only knew the market like you know women, Gene-What I mean is-well,
Im very, terribly unhappy about it - but I do love you. I know I have no right to talk
to you like this, the way I'm dressed. But if I rush home and change-
6€r-:E
{ ,{-s,r.j.*-s-l*'c , uJfu= q;upr ":gtr,k\ ?(}
ruSJ c

HETEN
I SAID THE MAN FOR ME MUST HAVE A CASTLE.
A MAN OF MEANS HE'D BE, A MAN OF FAME.
AND THEN I MET A MAN WHO HADN'T ANY,
WTTHOUT A PENNY TO HIS NAME.
I HAD TO GO AND FALL FOR SO MUCH LESS THAN
WHA'T I HAD PLANNED EROM ALL TI{E MAGAZINES.
I SHOT'LD BE GOOD AND SORE!
WHAT AM I HAPPY FOR?
I GUESS THE MAN MEANS MORE THAN THE MEANS.
'--"Yor

Lso MAr.rY PE9PLE rN THE WORLD,

AND WHAT CAN THEY DO?
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW LOVE WI
LTKE MY LOVE FOR YOU.
SO MANY PEOPLE LAUGH ot
AT WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW - wi
WELL, THAT'S THEIR CONCERN.
IF IUST A FEW
SAY HALF A MLLION OR SO, Ic
COULD SEE U' THEY'D LEARN.

o:
SO MAT.IY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'VE MISSED!
THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE A
SUCH IOY COULD EXIST!

H
 SeruRDA'Y NIGHT

(HELEN)
AND IF THEY TELL US
IT'S A THING WE'LL OLTTGROW,
THEY'RE JEALOUS AS THEY CAN BE
THAT, WITH SO MANY PEOPLE TN THE WORLD,
YOU LOVE ME!

GENE
SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'VE MISSED!
THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE
sucHJoY COULD EXIST!
AND IF THEY TELLUS
- IT'S A THING WE'LL OUTGROW,
THEY'RE IEALOUS As THEY CAN BE

BOTH
THAI, WIIH SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,
YOU LOVE ME!
(]ELESTE,HANK,IUIY,AKTIE,DINOTED,MILDKED'BOBBY'anda
nan girl, FLORENCE mter)

RAY
Eve'
You shut up. You still owe me money from New Year's

GENE
What's the trouble this time?
CELESTE
middle but Ray
oh, the second pichre was lousy, so we all wanted to leave in the
wantedhismoney'sworth-Hello,Helen'Whyaren'tyouinuniform?
FLORENCE
I dort't believe I've had the honor'
MILDRED
Berger'
Oh-may I present Gme Gorman-my very good friend' Florence
FLORENCE
A real pleasure.
GENE
How do you do?
 r-\ n
Seru RDAy N

CELESTE
Florence and Mildred are being shared. I
DINO
Last Saturday a quarter of a girl apiece, this Saturday half. Were closing the gap all
the time.

CETESTE
To grve you the full treatrnent, Florence, he owns the suit, it's not rented.

FLORENCE
Why don t we all go to a speakeasy?

RAY
Maybe we could afford to go to speakeasies if we didn't have to keep throwing
margin down a rat hole.

CELESTE
My Hank's no Einstein, but at least he had brains enough to stay out of that mess.

GENE
It won't be necessary for anybody to shell out more dough. I'm putting up the extra
margin on Monday.

RAY
You fotrnd a wallet!

BOBBY
You're printing money!

GENE
Helen-
(HELEN bursts into tcars)
You'll have to forgive Helen for being a little emotional. It isrt't weryday that a girl
becomes-sort of - well - engaged.

FLORENCE
I just met him and already he's engaged.

ARTIE
Let me comfort my half of you.

CELESTE
Darling, I wish you everything I would have wished you if it was my sister.
 StruRDAy Nrcrr
-59-
HANK
Aren't we going to have a little celebration?
(DINO jumps to tlw piano)

DINO
(SINGING ad lib, as he ptays the wedding March ,)
from "Lohengrin
HELEN AND GENE,

ALL
HELENAND GENE,
GENEAND HELEN
HELEN AND GENE
-
MILDRED
Don't sing that before the wedding-it's bad luck.

DINO
Ok"y, then-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

ALL
HAPPY BIRfiIDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR I{ELEN AND GENE,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
ALL
HELEN AND GENE ARE GONNA GET MARRIED,
GONNA GET MARRIED, GONNA GET MARRIED,
HELEN AND GENE ARE GONNA GET MARzuED -
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
CELESTE
. (As ORCIIESTRI{ comes in undmwth)
ONE WONDERFUL DAY
WONDERFT.'L THINGS CAN HAPPEN
IN A WONDERFUL WAY!
WONDERFT.'L GIRL MEETS WONDERFUL BOY.
WHAT A WONDERFUL CHANCE TO START A LIFE
FULL OF WONDER AND IOY!
 SeTURDAY Nrcrt
(cELESTE)
ONE WONDEPSULDAY
SOMEBODY WONDERFUL SWEEPS
ALLYOUR WORRIES AWAY!
TF THE FEELING'S MUTUAL,

TTMN THE FUTURE WILL

BTJRSTINTO SONG,
AND IT'S ONE WONDERFUL DAY ALL YEAR LONG!

ARTIE
LET'S HAVE A PARTY!

TED & DINO

CONGRATULATIONS!

RAY
I WISHYOU LUCKAND PROSPERITY!

HANK
I WISH YOU HEARTY FELICITATIONS!

MILDRED
I WISH THAT SOMEONE WOULD MARRY ME!

BOBBY
DON'T DO IT, GENE.
DON'T DO IT, GENE.
LOVE, WT[I{ASPOUSE,
IS A HOUSEHOLD ROUTINE.
THEN WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH,
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
CAN'T SEND A DAME HOME
WHO LTVES IN THE SAME HOIVTE AS YOU!

ONE HORRIBLE DAY

YOU WILL WAKE UP TO FIND
YOU'RE IN A HORRIBLE WAY!
YOU WILL BE MARRIED,
YOU WILL BE CAUGHT!
EVERY DAY YOU'LL COME HOME
AND SHE'LL BE THERE -
WHAT A HORRIBLE THOUGHT!
 -.*-e,--3_.,I.u,rublg;

SaruRDAy NrcHT

(BOB BY)
/..-
..-
1i

ONE NIGHT ON A SWING

MAY MAKE A CASUALAFFAIR
A PERMANENT THING!
IF YOU CAN'T KEEP CASUAL,
THEN SHE HAS YOUALL
READY TO HOOK,
AND ITS ONE HORRIBLE DAY
I CANT LOOK!

CELESTE
PAY NO ATTENTION
TO MR. SMARTY -
HE'S FULL OF BEANS AND BANANA OIL.
HE'LL THROW A WRENCH IN
THIS LOVELYPARTY,
SO IUST IGNOREHIM,
DON'T LET HIM SPOI THIS GLORIOUS-

BOBBY
TERzuBLE -
I
CELESTE
VICTORIOUS -
BOBBY
UNBEARABLE -
CELESTE
UPROARIOUS -
BOBBY
IRREPARABLE -
CELESTE
UXORIOUS -
BOBBY
OCCASION!
 SATURD/tY NIGHr

ALL
ONE WONDERFTJL DAY
WONDERFUL THINGS CAN HAPPEN
IN A WONDERFUL WAY!
WONDERFUL GIRL MEETS WONDERFI.JL BOY.
WHAT A WONDERFUL CHANCE TO START
A LIFE FULL OF WONDER AND IOY!

ONE WONDERFT.JL DAY

SOMEBODY WONDERFUL SWEETiS
ALL YOI.'R WORRIES AWAY!
rF THE FEELINbS MUTUAL,
TI{EN THE FUTT'RE WILL
BURST INTO SONG
AND ITS ONE WONDERFUL DAY
ONE MARVELOUS DAY
ONE BEAUTIFUL DAY
ONE GLORIOUS DAY
ONE WONDERFT'L DAY
-
ALL YEAR LONG!
(PINHEAD aiers)

ARTIE
Pinhead!

PINHEAD
I could hear you loudmouths all the.way from perur station.

GENE
Eugene, we didn't expect you back from Florida till next saturday!
PINHEAD
It was freezing and it poured every minute I was there. wherds my ca+
Gene?

GENE
Ifs in the-garage.

PINHEAD
No it ain'L I've just bem there.

GENE
cmoo cmon. why should pinhead cast a pall? what happened to all the singing?
 SaruRDAy Nrcar

ALL
ONE WONDERFUL DAY... ETC.

PINHEAD
You don't get out of it that easy. Where's my car?

GENE
I don't know. Maybe ifs been stolen.

PINHEAD
Stolen?! Where's the phone?

GENE
Don't get so excited. You must be insured.

PINHEAD
What good is insured? You never get full value. You stupid lummox!

FLORENCE
Why don't we all go to a speakeasy?

PINHEAD
Shut up, whoever you are!
(Into plune)
Hello, operatol, get me the Police Departrrent - Hello, Police Departrnent-I wanna
report a stolen car!

ALL
IF THE FEELINGS MUTUAL
THEN THE FUTURE WILL BURST INTO SONG
AND IT'S ONE WONDERFUL DAY
ALLYEAR LONG!
END OF ACT ONE
 ? tt' fT '/)1.--T-*-
2'tl "

-64- s ATURD Av Nrcar

AGT TWO f'\

Scene One
(SCENE; Ttu front porch. Seoen o'cbcl< Saturilay night, a week hter.

ARTIE on the plane. RAY, TED and DINO ltooer anxiously about him.
RAY sifs with MILDRED. MUSIC starts under.)

TED
Qnto phone)
Yes,I'11hold, thank you. I don t think she likes me very much.

DINO
I KNOW A DAME IN RICHMOND HILL.

RAY
YEAH, BUT WILLS}IE - ?

DINO
SHE WILL!
SHE'S WHAT I'D CALL A WELL-BUIL-I BEAST.

RAY
HAS SFIE GOT TWO - ?

DINO
AT LEAST.
(MUSIC ontinuesundn)

ARTIE
(Intoplune)
Hello, Flo? How are you, this is Artie. You remember Artie? No, we didn't meet at a
speakeasy. We discussed going but we never quite got there. - I'm surprised, Flo,
it's only been a week -
 SaruRDrty Nrcrr

DINO
Mention the four of us. She might remember the combination -
ARTIE
(lnto plune)
look, Flo, does this ring a bell? Artie, Ray, Ted and Dino?
(To tlu boys)

She says it doesn t really ri.g u be[, it hits a nerve.

(Into plwne)
Look, Flo - okay, good night.
(Hangs up; to the boys)
She says her date's at the door. Mildred, she's your friend is she really booked up
tonight?

MILDRED
No, but if you insist on waiting till seven o'clock on a Saturday... Let me talk to her.
I'll see what I can do.
(MILDRED exits)

TED
WHEN YOUARE BYYOUR LONESOIVIE,
ALL YOU CAN DO IS PI{ONE SOME
BROAD WHO SAYS SHE'S ALREADY GOT A DATE.

DINO
WISH THAT I KNEW A GIRLIE
WHO'D LIKE TO RETIRE EARLY
AND GET UP LATE!

RAY
WHO WANTS TO SCARE UPA POKER GAME?

ARTIE
I WANNA SCARE TIP A DAME.

DINO
CALL UP A DAME
AND INVITE HER TO SEE
ASHOW...
 b'r
s'
:. -65- SeruRDAY Nrcrr
TED
CALL UP A DAME
AND HER ANSWER'LL BE -
NO GO!

ARTIE
WHAT'S THE RESULT OF THE
TROUBLE YOU TOOK TO REACH HER?
(Indiuteshimselfl
A SINGLE MAN AT A DOUBLE LOUSY FEATURE!

RAY
MIDMGHT AHEAD
AND THE HAY TO BE HIT - ALONE.

TED
YOU MADE YOUR BED,
SO YOU'RE LYIM IN IT - ALONE!

DINO
SUNDAY THE DAY OF REST
SHOULD BE A WELCOME SIGHT -
ALL
BUT WHO NEEDS A REST
AFTER RESTTNG ALL SATURDAY NIGI{T?
(MILDRED entcrs)

MILDRED
She says yes - MaYbe.

GiANI( and CELESTE mter)

CELESTE
Anyword fromGene ?

ARTIE
Nope. Not a sign.

CETESTE
Ifs been three days. Im worried sick. I still donit believe Gene would do such a thing
- sell something that didn'tbelong to him-
 SeTURDAY Nrcrr -67-
RAY
The hell with that. Look what he did to us. Montana Chem. clear off the board.

(GENE a*ers)

CELESTE
Gene boy!

HANK
Where the hell have you been for three days?

GENE
Has anybody been here looking for me?

ARTIE
A Mr. Fisher has been here every day. Ml Fisher and a friend'
GENE
What kind of a friend?

ARTIE
A detective kind of a friend-
GENE
Oh, God.

CELESTE
Gene, honey, did you really sell Pintread's car to the Finance
Company?

GENE
Well, maybe I did.
ARTIE
Maybe? This Mr. Fisher seems to have no doubt about it at all.

GENE
Look, I can explain - but not right now. I can't take a chance on staying -
HANK
Why'd you come back at all?
GENE
I packed in such a hurry three days ago, I left out my tailcoat'
 SeruRDAy Nrcar

DINO
You mean to say with a warant out for your arest you're going out tonight
formal yet?
-

MILDRED
It's like those Englishmen dressing for dinner in the jungle.

TED
There's a car pulling up
-
It's Mr. Fisher and friend!

GENE
fI be in the cellar behind the coal bin.

(GENE erdfs. DINO sits doum at the

?iano, ptays and sings casually. MR.
FISHER and CLUNE, a detectioe, enter)

RAY
Why, hello, Mr. Fisher. How nice to see you again;
l.

MR. FISHER
All right, all right, we'll dispmse with the smart cracks. Did he come back?

RAY
Did who come back?

MR. FISHER
You take over, Cl,ne. Th"y got no respect for me. And who needs that music!

DINO
My, we got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, didn,t we?

CLUNE
Now, you wisenheimers are not gonna kid around with me. I got a wa:rant
here for
Eugene Gomran and I can run all of you in too, if necessary.

ARTIE
On what charge?

CLUNE
What charge? Harboring a criminal, thafs what charge!
 SaruRDAy NrcHT

ARTIE
May I point out that we can't very well harbor a man in his own home, and further-
more, no man is a criminal until he's been tried by a jury of his peers and found
guilty.

CLUNE
Step aside,lounge Lizards. I'm gonna search this house from top to bottom.

ARTIE
Just a minute. Have you got a search war:rant?

CLUNE
What are you? An attorney?

ARTIE
No. But fm a brilliant law student. fuid I want to remind you that officers of the law
who have exceeded their powers have gotten into plenty of trouble.

CLUNE
I'll phone the station for instmctions.

ARTIE
I'm sorry. You can't use the phone.

CLUNE
Yeah? Who says I can't?

ARTIE
Section Al ot Ordinance 434f7 says you can'L Not without a wa:rant.

MR. FISHER
He's making the whole thing up, Clune.

ARTIE
Look, Mr. Clune, if you want to search the house, gio ahead. And here's a little tip
look behind the coal bin in the cellar.

CLUNE
Come on, we'lIcall from the drugstore.
(CLUNE and EISHER eit)
ARTIE
They never believe it when you tell them the truth.
-70- SaruRDAy NrcHT';

DINO
I'll get Gene.
(DINO exits intolause)

HANK
They'll be back, won't they, Artie?

ARTIE
With the riot squad. And we rnay all need a good lawyer.

CELESTE
If you were the kind of man who got into a little trouble now and then, my heart
wouldn't be beating like a trip hammer now.

HANK
Does that make sense to you people?

GENE
I don't feel good.

CELESTE
You can't stay too long. They'll be back any minute.

GENE
Otu God.

CETESTE
where have you been sleeping the past three nights
- in the subway?

GENE
No.In my aparhent.

, CELESTE
You have an apartment?

GENE
We& I - sort of have an aparturent.

CELESTE
Where?

GENE
On Sutton Place.
 5 URD/tY

Naturally. Where else?

ARTIE
Wait a minute. First things first. Gene, are we corect in assuming that you did sell
Pinhead's car to Mr. Fisher?
li
rI
GENE
Because,like a fool, I made a seven-day loan on the car and I couldn't pay it back.

ARTIE
And why did you make a seven-day loan on the car,like a fool?

GENE
I needed the money to buy the stock for the syndicate.

ARTIE
Why didn't you use the money we gave you?

GENE
Because - I used your money to put a deposit on the aPartment.

ALL
What?!What'd you do?
GENE
I lost my head, handed the manager the dough.

RAY
You guys hold him, I'll go get the detective!
HANK
Cut it ou! Ray. We've got to do some thinking.

CELESTE
One of these days I'm going to have a long talk with you, Gene boy.

ARTIE
And I'll go with you. I love that triP uP the Hudson.

TED
It's here again, the police car!

GENE
I'll be on Ocean Parkway across from the tennis courts. Let me know what happens.
 "-at-tlF -*...,j
-.-
-

-72- SeTURDAY Nrc HT

CELESTE
We will, and don't worry, darlinp wdll help you'
GENE
I love you all.
(GENE exfs. CLUNE entm')

CLUNE
me more
I had a few words with the Lieutenant and I just want to see you hand 'rny
of that bushwa, that's all!
(HELEN mters)

DINO
Olu hello -
HELEN
Hello. Look, is Gene here?

CLUNE
What do you know about the whereabouts of one Eugene Gorrran?
HELEN
I dorft know where he is and I'm worried sick'

CLUNE
Right. Don't nobody leave the house. I'm gorma have a look around.
(CIUNE aits into tluloux)

MILDRED
He was here. Gene was here.

HELEN
He was? He phoned me an hor.E ago. All he said was get dressed fomral - then my
father picked up the extension and he hung up. I figured he might be here.

CELESTE
Hds waiting on Ocean ParlauaY.
HELEN
Has he found some way outof this mess? WelL I -
(PINHEAD mters)
7
Seruf,DAY Nrcrr i
-73-
PINHEAD
Has the Socie$ Swindler put in an apPearance yet?

HANK
Oh, to hell with you, Pinhead, your Pierce-Arrow and your rapier-like wit.

DINO
with all your dougtu Eugene, why don'tyou pay Mr. Fisher the twelve hundred that
Gene owes him?

PINHEAD
When you want something it's "Eugene.' The rest of the day it's Pinhead. Pinhead'

RAY
Come on, Pin - Eugene - be a good guy. After all, once Mr. Fisher found out that
the car wasnlt Gene's to sell, you got it back didn't you?

PINHEAD
Yeah,I got itback. Th" 8gy who had it for a week mined it I need a brake job and
new spark plugp.The tires -
(GENE aiers)

GENE
I saw Mr. Fisher get into a cab on the parkway - Helen darling - I didn't mean for
you to come here.

PINHEAD
That's right, make believe I'm not here. I'm good enough to steal a car from, but not
to say hello to.
GENE
Hello.

PINHEAD
You dirty thief! You won't be so snooty and swanky in Sing Sing -
CELESTE
Gene, you've got to get right out. The detective is still -
(CLUNE enters)

CLUNE
what's all the yeuing about? who's the headwaiter? And what's your name?
 S aruRDAy Nrcxn,

PINHEAD
My name is Eugene Gorman and
- this is the man you -
ARTIE
we won't let him get away. sergeant!Here's your man
- Eugene Gorman!

RAY
We love you, Eugeng but you did wrong and you,ve got to pay for it!

CLUNE
Walked right into my anns, what an amachoor! Come on, buddy.

PINHEAD
wait a minute, wait a minute! Not me want-
- him!That's the man you
I ARTIE
(Looking at GENE)
Alex Baum? What did he do?

HANK DINO PINHEAD

(to CLUNE) (franticatty)
lhke him away This means a promG It's'a tri8k! They're
he's all yours. tion for yoq Sargent. ganging up on me!

CLUNE
Do I have to put the cuffs on you?

RAY TED MILI)RED

(to PINHEAD)
Don't worry, Gene. I'lldig up bail, Otu your poor mother,
We'll getyou a lawyer. tmst me. your poor mother
-

PINHEAD
No! No! Fellers, tell him who I really arn! I'm not Se Eugene Gorman! Fellas,
tell him
I'm Pinhead. fm Pinhead!

CLUNE
You're telling me?
 SeTURDAY Nrcrr

@u PHONE RINGS)

HELEN
Hello - Yes, this is Mr. Gorman's residence -
Who's calling -
IvIr. Fletcher? Oh, -
the Sutton Place \dr. Fletcher. How did you get this number? -
His office? Oh, -
Well, what is it about, Mr. Fletcher I can grve Mr. Gorman the message. What?
- -
What?
(sund of aPOUCE SIREN)

BOYS
Happy Sunday, Pinhead! - So long Pal! - Don't forget to write! - (etc.)

TED
i: Pinhead'll look good in striPes.

RAY
What's the good? He'll call his lawyer from the station.

ARTIE
Ah, but only a judge can spring him from jail and no judge is available until Monday
morning.

MILDRED
Ye Gods! He'll have to spend a day and a half in iail!
DINO
So what? It'U be a nice change from Miami. CmorU let's go pick up Flo and then go
down to the station.
RAY
why?
DINO
To grve evidence!
(ARTIE, RAy, DINO TED, anil MILDRED ertt)

GENE
Who was that?
HELEN
Just calling home.
GENE
Well, what will we do now?
 -75- SaruRDAv Nrcrr
HELEN
No, Gene, what will Yllg do now?

GENE
I've still got four htmdred dollars left from selling the car. We might as well just spend
it and let Pinhead stay where he is. A couple of days in iail might do him some good!

HELEN
Do you mean that?

GENE
Yes - Well - No,I guess I ought to do something.

HELEN
I guess you ought. What?
I
GENE
I was just remembering - when I saw you there on the steps of the Plaza Hotel
-
the moonlight shining through the crysal awning
- making a silver halo around
your hair - and I thought -

HELEN
No, Gene. Romantic memories don't solve problesrs. What are we going to do? Come
inside. We're going to work this out right now.
) .
GENE
Everythingis going to be okay.
(GENE anit HELEN exit into the luuse)

HANK
What a mess!

CELESTE
But that boy has style - the things he says!

HANK
What do you mean?

CELESTE
Remember the night we met?
HANK
Of course I do.
 SaruRDAy Nrcrr

CELESTE
Why didn't you say the moonlight made a silver halo around my hair?

HANK
Because there wasn't moon that night. Was there?
"r,y

I HAVE A MEMORY FOR SMALL DETAIIS.

I HAVE A MEMORY THAT NEVER FAIIS.
I CAN REMEMBER NAMES, DAIES AND PLACES
AND EVEN FACES OF PEOPLE WHOSE FACES
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I KNOW THE DATE OF THE PARTHENON
BUT THERE'S A DATE THAT I'M }IAZY ON:
T}IAT WAS THE DATE WE HAD,I REMEMBER,
IN EARLY SEPTEMBE& OR WAS IT NOVEMBER,
THREE YEARS A@?
UP TO A CERTAIN POINT MY MIND TS CLEAR.
EVERY DETAIL OF THAT DATE, THAT FATEFULYEAR.

I ARRMED AT SEVEN;
I STOPPED ALONG THE WAY
TO BIIYABTG BOUQUET FORYOU -
I REMEMBE&THAT.
IN A FRENCH.TYPE REST'RANI
RI.'N BY A GIIT NAMED IAKE,
WE HAD A SIRLOIN STEAK FOR TWO -
I REMEMBER THAT.

I REMEMBER WE SAT OUT TN PROSPECT PARK

IN THE GLOW OF MOONUGI{T.
AF]ER THAT WE WENT BACK TO YOTJR HOUSE
AND DANCED TILL DAWN
I WAS POI.'RING COFFEE,
YOU UT A CIGARETTE.
FROM THEN ON I FORGET W}IAT I SAID,
WHA'T I DID AND WHERE I WAS AT!
,CAUSE I'D FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU,

I REMEMBE& I'D FALLEN IN LOVE WITI{ YOU

THAT'S THE ONE THING T DO REMEMBE&
I REMEMBER THAT.
-78- SaruRDAy Nrcrr

H
CELESTE i

UP TO A POINT YOUR MIND IS CLEAR, NO DOUBT,

BUT I CAN REMEMBER SOME THINGS THAT YOU LEFT OI.TT.
I WAS DRESSED AT SEVEN,
BUT YOU ARRIVED AT EIGHT.
AND YOU WERE NEVER LATE AGAIN -
I REMEMBER THAT.

SINCE YOU'D BOUGHT ME FLOWERS,

YOU COULDN'T PAY THE CHECK.
YOU WERE A NERVOUS WRECK BY THEN
-
I REMEMBERTHAT.

I REMEMBER WE SAT IN THE PARK

TN THE GLOW OF A POUCEMAN'S FLASHLIGHT.

AFTER THAT WE WENT BACK TO MY HOUSE

AND SAT SOME MORE.

YOU WERE PO-I'RING COFFEE,

ALL OVER MY NEW DRESS.
FROM THEN ON I CONFESS,
I FORGET WHA'T I SAID AND WHERE I WAS AT!
BUT I DID FALL IN LOVE WII}I YOU
I REMEMBE& I DID FALL IN LOVE WM-T YOU,
THAT'S THE ONE T}IING I DO REMEMBE&
I REMEMBERTI{AT.
End of Scene One

Scene Two
(scENE; DAKorADoMN's nightclub. Three o'clock the
foltouting
morning)

DAKoTA@
Hello, suckers! Is everybody haring a good time? Thmyou mustbe in the wrong
place! AU right, suckers, drink up and while you're choking on the stuff, Al Katz and
his Kittens will entertain you with "fm Glad I Made you cry, your Face Is Much
Cleaner Now."
r SaTuRDAY Nlcrr
I
-79-

HELEN
All right now, are You readY?

GENE
I liked - do anything
Ready? Have you forgotten our aSreement? As many places as
I liked - spend all I liked -
HELEN
Yes, and let's not forget the second hau of the agreement, either'
Then you're to go to
the Station House grr. yourseu uP so youl cousin can get out. Let's not forget that'
*i
GENE
Ok"y, okay, it's early yet -
HELEN
It's practically dawn, this is the fifth place we've been to - Iack and Charlids'
W
The Golden Slipper, The Bottle Factory that gangster hangout on Thirty-ninth -
GENE
The Nut Club.

HELEN
keep yours?
The Nut club. I kept my part of the bargain, arc you ready to

GENE
You iust can't wait to get me behind bars, can you?

HELEN
I'm sorry, but it's almost four in the morning -
GENE
Don,t worry,there'll be somebody at the iail. They never close.

HEADWAITER
Is everything all right, sir?

GENE
Two Scotches and soda- Pinchbottle'
 StTURDAY Nrcnr

VOCALIST
Cest la vie.
LOVE'S A BOND THAT'S PURE.
rTS DMDENDS ARE SURE .. ETC.
(As SHE continues) Better luck next time'
(Setttng doa
HEADWAITER
On the house'
Yes, sir.

HELEN
Check, please.
We reallY can't -
HEADWAITER
Of course we can' S
I'm sorry you're leaving sir. I've been meaning to ask you - You see, we have a little
set-up in the back room - chemin de fef, roulette, dice. We keep it very quieL We HEADI/v
don't want just anybody in there. I was wonde.iog if you -

GENE
Oloy,I gve uP'
Why, thank you But some other time - we really have to be going.
-
HEADWAITER I was so sure 27 w
That's too bad. Dartnouth' Havel
with the."F*t" t
GENE
OIU just a minute. While I'm getting my things - Would you mind haring one of
your boys put this hr:ndred on - otL nurnber U fot me? I tooiust got a m'
HEADWAITER
fU be glad to, sir. WhY do You hat

HELEN
Throwing away a hundred-dollar bill like that. If you want to make an elegant I don't hate You
gesture why don't you light your cigarette n'ith it?

GENE
Yes, You do' Yo
HelerU I'm not superstitious or religious
- but I tell you, all at once I got a sort
- - Plaza-I like Pie
of inttritive flash a -
message It sounds
- ctazry, but I tell yoo,,27 will win. Here he able. But this it
comes. Well, what news? double feature
This - this is
HEADWAITER thebackroom
Sorry, sport Youlost. foolheadwait

Gene - Peol
 .!
SaTuRDAY NrGHT'

GENE
C'est la vie.

HEADWAITER
Better luck next time.
(Setting down tuo dinks)

On the house.

HELEN
We really can't -
GENE
Of course we carr. Set them right down there will you? Thanks'
(HEADWAITER exits)

HELEN
Okay, I give uP.

GENE
I was so sure27 would win After all, it's the year I would have gotten out of
Darhnouth. Haven't a Penny left. Not a goddamn Permy.Gonna have to stick you
with the cab fare to the Police Station.
HELEN
I too just got a message. It says take the subway-
GENE
Why do you hate me, Helen?

HELEN
I don t hate you, Gene.
GENE
Yes, you do. You think I'm ridiculous.I want to live on Park
Avenue and dance at the
makes me laugh-
Plaza.I like Pierce-Arrows and English cloth and finger bowls. This
house in Brooklyn and a
able. But this is what I want. If my friends long for a paid-up
double feature every Saturday night-fine. But I can't breathe
in that atmosphere'
want just "anybody" in
This this is my natural habitat-- headwaiters who don t
-
the back room But, ah, he asked me, didn't he? He knows I belong and you can't
-
fool headwaiters. I can't do it, Helen. I'd rather die first. I'd rather kill
myself'

HELEN
Gene - people are begirudng to look.
 GENE
You think i:"' r c'
You don't believe me, do you?

HELEN
t
No, Gene, I don't believe you. But come to think of it, it's not a bad idea. After all, Of coruse' And
whafs the alternative? It's prison or -
GENE DamnYou! Dor
You're kidding.

HETEN He's got a gunl

Am I?

GENE Well, that's mt

You sit there and tell me to kill myseU in a tone of voice as calm as if -as if -
HELEN Do somethinl
As if what?

GENE fli
You're full of it. Even if I wanted to, you wouldn't let me. Dor{t interf(
i:'-* (']
HETEN
1
Wou[&r't I? Here. Not there'

GENE
Where did you get that? DamrtYou

HELEN
My father gave it to me. For protection. Helen.

GENE
Have you got a license to carry a gun? Yodllbe

HELEN
No. Shall we go to the station house and tum ourselves in together? StoPhin

GENE
You're laughing at me! Get out of here and take that damn thing with you! I did it!
-
HELEN
I'U be glad to, only I don t want to hear anything more about how you'd "rather die" Yot(re
tlxan turnyourself in.
r
SeTURDAY Nrcrr

GENE
You think I'm a coward, don't you? You think I have no class!
HELEN
Of course. And what's more, you think so too.

GENE
Damn you! Don't You go!

DAKOTA
He's got a gul!
HELEN
Well, that's more like it.

DAKOTA
Do something, for God's sake -
HELEN
(To IIIEWAITER)
Don't interfere, i(s not Your table.
fIo GENE)
Not there. They say that in the eqr i/s absolutely painless'
GENE
Damnyou, Helene -
HELEN
Helen.

GENE
You'll be sorry!You'll hate yourself!
WAITER & DAKOTA
Stop him! Look out! etc.

GENE
I did it! I pulled the trig- I didn't mean to - I only wanted to frighten you

HELEN
You're all right Gene.
 Scene Three
GENE
What's this running out of mY ear? (sci' "t

HELEN
Water.
Well?
GENE
Water? t sh
No. Gene hasn
(HELEN holds the gun in front of Gane's face. HE peers; ruils slouly)
"Souvenir of the Nut Club." Helm how could you?
- he
ComeMondaY

still tt
Is Pinhead

HELEN
We didnt ask -
I'M ALL FOR YOU, WHA]TEVER HAPPENS,
MY DREAMS ARE YOIJRS TO SHARE.
SOMETIMES, IT'S TRUE, MY WORDS ARE BI]:TER,
Poor Gene'
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I CARE.
IF I GEf, MAD WHEN I THINK YOU'RE WRONG, -::{\r"
1
MAYBE I AM WRONG, TOO. ffwesci
BUT G@D OR BAD, EVERYTHING I DO
TS ALLFOR LOVE OF YOU.
(ve got fortY
GENE
kave me alone. You - you've made me a laughing stock. All right,largh.You won't
Iaugh in the morning when they find me - l couldbreal
HELEN
Gene - Gene, darling - Nl chiclen
BUT GOOD OR BAD, EVERYTHING I DO
IS ALLFOR LOVE OF YOU.
61IgtY ext
End of Scene Two

WeIl - tl
aro
$ing

Well,no
 SeTuRDAY Nrcnr

Scene Three
(SCENE;.IhestreetinfrontofthePolicestation.btertlutnight)

CELESTE

Well?
HANK
of him'
No. Gene hasn't shown up' No sign
TED
Come Monday he's cooked no matter
what'

DINO
Is Pinhead still there?
ARTIE
Wedidn,task-butwecouldhearhimallthewayfromthecellblock.
BOBBY
Poor Gene.
CELESTE

IfwescrapedtogetherthemoneytopayMr.Fisher,wouldhedropthecharges?
MILDRED
Fund'
I've got forty dollars in my Christmas
DINO
bank - before my father does'
I could break oPen my kid brother's Piggy
ARTIE
at least'
All chicken feed. It'll take a thousand
RAY

All my extra dough went into the syndicate'

CELESTE

Well-Hankwastoosmarttogoinwithyouboys.Sowehaveahundredandfifty
t we?
lying around we could sPare' Haven
HANK
Well, not exactlY'
 -'".4.',1 ' 'r 3',l ;

-86- Se,ruRDAy Nrc HT

CELESTE
,_"-"\
What do you mean - not exactly? Yeah!

HANK
Ok"y.To be exact - I went in on the deal. He can count c

CELESTE
You took the money? The money I'd been saving for a new bedroom
suite! you
-
ARTIE
E"sy, g,rl. Actually, you're lucky. It s never as good in a new bed.

BOBBY
He's right. I remember
-
CETESTE
lhut upBobby. Shut up Artie. Shut up with the jok€s, all of you! If it wasn t for you,
Gene wouldn't be going to jail.

DINO
How's that again?

CELESTE
He asked for the money and you gave it to him. You knew how weak
he is. you knew
he couldn't handle it. Yor/re all responsible, all of you!

RAY
Well, this is a twist We're responsible.

HANK
simmer down, honey. You know there isn't a guy here who wouldn,t give
his last
cent for Gene.

RAY
Only he already took our last cent

TED
If there was any way to help him, we,d do it

HANK
We'll find away,honey
-
ARTIE
we'll get the whole neighborhood together to help us raise the dough
- !
 SerunP Av Ntcx

RAY, BOBBY
Yeah!

DINO
He can count on us and we can count on them!

(DrNO)
IT'S THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD
_

ALL
THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD -
DINO
SHAREAND SHARE AUKE -
HANK
THAT'S T}IE WAY TO BE!

RAY
I SHARE WTT-H YOU -
BOBBY
I SHARE WTTH ME.
ALL
ITS THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD,
THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD...

HANK
WE NEVE& NEVER KICK A FELLOW WHEN HE'S
DOWN

TED
UNLESS OF COURSE HE COMES FROM OUT OF
TOWN!

DINO
ALL OF US ARE FOR BROTHERHOOD -
BOYS
FOR BROTI{ERHOOD!
 r
-88- SeTURDAY Nrcrr
-,J1b
RAY
ALLOF USARE FOR MOTHERHOOD -
GIRLS
FOR MOTHERHOOD!

HANK, TED, DINO

ALL OF US ARE FOR EACH AND EVERY OTHER HOOD -
ALL
OTHER HOOD!

ARTIE
ALL OF USARE FOR HOODS!

ALL
IT'S THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD,
THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD...

FAIR BROOKLYN!
PRIDE OF THE PORT OF NEW YORK!

HANK, DINO, RAY

THERE'S A FRIENDLY GOLF COURSE WITI{ GREEN'

GIRLS
AND A FRIENDLY HASH HOUSE WITI{ BEANS.

BOBBY, TED, ARTIE

THERE'S A FRIENDLY CLINK WHENCE
coME It VEMLE DELTNQUENTS,

At,L
BUT THEY WERE BORN IN QUEENS!

rAIR BROOKLYN -
LOOK AT TH:E COP ON THE BEAT.
AS HE DOES HIS JOB HE TAKES PRTDE

CELESTE
(AND A LITILE GRAFT ON THE SIDE).
 SaTuRDAY Nlcrr

BOYS
HIS BADGE HAS LUSTRE -
WHEN HE SAYS "MOVEON, BUSTER!"

ALL
YOU FEEL ALL TEARY.EYED.

GIRLS
WE LOVE THE HOMES OF BROOKLYN,

BOYS
THE DIVES OF BROOKLYN,

ALL
THE STREETS OF BROOKLYN,

BOBBY
THE WIVES OF BROOKLYN!

ALL
WE'RE PROUD OF EVERY THOROUGHFARE
IN THIS BOROUGH, FAIR
BROOKLYN! _ THE PRIDE OF,
THE THORN IN THE SIDE OF
NEW YORK!

IT'S THAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD,

OUR KIND OF A NEIGHBORFIOOD.
WE'RE PROUD OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
t
i'
tl
EVEN IF THE WORLD DOESN'T APPROVE! !;

AND BESIDES - I
DINO, HANK, TED, RAY
WHO CAN AFFORD TO -
ARTIE, BOBBY, MILDRED
WHO CAN AFFORD TO -
FLORENCE, CELESTE
WHO CAN AFFORD TO - MOVE?

LIEUTENANT
Hey,youguys!Therdsalotofcriminalsinheretryin'togetsomesleep!
 a."l ' - -'
0- ATURDAY Nrcar

! MILDRED
we might as well go home and start raising the money. we,re not doing anybody
any
good here.
I
(HELEN aius)

HELEN
Celeste - is Gene here?

CELESTE
No. Wasn'the with you?

HELEN
Yes - but I did something foolish and he
- hasn't anyone seen him?

I
HANK
Maybe he's home.

HELEN
No, I just came from there. celeste I'm really scared. I know he
-
melodramatic, but he threatened oh, celeste he had the most
was just being

eyes -
- terrible look in his

CELESTE
We've got to find him!

HANK
The cops! They can smd out an alarm
-
End of Scene Three

Scene Four
(SCEAIE: Insidc tlu police Statba immediatety after)

,. .flt.
. all..right,let's
a,,right,
ALL kY rc{'e
All have some senrice here! we **t *
alann sent out This is
an emergency! where's the Bureau of Mssing persoru? -
suicide! e we wanna report a potential
,:g";_"-i:*
A,ttt
LIEUTENANT
Wait a minute
- iust a minute -
 Hold it, all of Youl
CELESTE

Officer,canyouhelpus?It'saboutafriendofourswho'sthreatenedtocommit
suicide -
CTUNE
off,
Believe me, Lieutenant if it,s a friend
of theirs and he wants to knock himseu
no obstacle should be placed in his path'
LIEUTENANT
What's your friend's name?
CELESTE

Eugene Gorman.
LIEUTENANT
Eugene - Gor -
CLUNE
Holdon-Whatareyoutryrngtohandus?He,sinhiscellrighttlnisminute.
.j
LIEUTENANT
tonight'
I
t
Thath right. Eugene Gorman was booked
HANK
I
I wrong man!
This bloodhound here arrested the
i
CLUNE
Arrestedthewrong-!Listeruyoubu-rrstoldmehewasEugerreGorman!Doyou
know the PenaltY f'st -?
HANK
I
I
I
HeisEugeneGormarr.TheEugeneGormanyoulockedupisnottheEugeneGorman
I who sold the car.
CLUNE, LIEUTENANT
No?
ARTIE
Eugene Gonnan whose car was
sold!
No. As a matter of facL he's the
LIEUTENANT
Get'em outa here, Clune -
 Lrt
SaruRDAv Ntcur

CELESTE
Please, Lieutenant, it's simple. There are two Eugene Gormans
- ..u
iacr is,
ARTIE
Don't clear it up too quick, Celeste. Th"y'* nicer when they're confused.
Who?
CETESTE
Shut up, Artie. You see, Lieutenant, they're cousins. They were named after the same
-
LIEUTENANT
The same what?

CELESTE IIs re
Gene!

GANG You s
Gene!! divor

GENE
Somebody please ffiaf*pay the cab. I kne

DINO, ARTIE, TED

9 F
Ray! Okay, Ray.
{
Come on, hop to it, Ray - Now
..rqcol
RAY ,u
Whenever there's money to pay out its always Ray
- Ray - Ray!
(PAY exits)
No,
GENE
What's the matter?
The
HELEN
Gene - I'm so sorry - I thought I could shock some sense into you
- He
GENE
I ran outside - the fresh air hit me in the face
- it seemed so good just to be alive -
everything looked so beautiful the traffic lights, aII red and green the moon on wh
the delicatessen - everything
- -
- course it won't be so beautiful iniail.
-
(MR. FLETCI{ER ettters)
]us
FLETCHER He

Mr. Gorrraru Mr. Gorman, I have been looking everywhere for you.
Th
GENE
You have?
 SeTuRDAY Nrcrr -93-
FLETCHER
the place' but the
I realize this is an ungodly hour to talk business, and this is hardly
fact is, Colonel Woodmore -
GENE
Who?

FLETCHER
Colonel Woodmore, the former tenant of the apartment
you rented'

RAY

Ee rented! It was our dough!

FLETCHER
woodmore was
you colonel Woodmore gave uP the apartment because Mrs.
see,
divorcing him - -
ARTIE
I knew it wouldn't last.
FLETCHER
says it won't be a real
Now suddenly they have reconciled, but Mrs. Woodmore
Of course, your deposit
reconciliation until they're back in their own apartment.
wouldberefunded.Icouldfindyouanotherapartmentjustas-
GENE
- Hudson'
No, thank you, Mr. Fletcher. I'm taking a place on the
FLETCHER
Then yodll take Your dePosit back?

BOYS
He sure will! Certainly! You bet!In a minute
GENE
what I need to -
what good does six hundred do? It's less than half of
ARTIE
Just a second, Mr. Fletcher.
My client has bem put to a great deal of inconvenierrce.
ife has also been put to some exPmse in plarming to move -
FLETCHER
The colonel has authorized me to offer a htm&ed
dollars to offset any -
 r'

94- Saru RDAY N IGHT

ARTIE
A hundred dollars! Ridiculous! iI\:
-t
MILDRED (
Unworthy of a Colonel. (

FLETCHER I

lwo hundred dollars.

ARTIE
Seven hundred-fifty and I'll come down to five.

LIEUTENANT
What the hell is thi+ the stock exchange or something?

CELESTE
Five hudred plus the deposit is almost eleven hundred. We could raise the rest
between us. Ten dollars a piece shotrld -
(MR. FLETCITER exits)

RAY
Interest! This time I want interest!

FLETCHER
Miss Fogel, it was a great relief whm you said on the phone that \{r. Gonnan might
agee -I believe that should cover everphing. I can't thank you enough

HELEN
I said to check with me Monday.
FLETCHER
I know, but it means so much to the Woodmores. They asked me to close the deal
tonight, whatever it might be. Again,I can't thank you enough.
(MR. FLETCHERents)

HELEN
Now you can pay for the car. You won't have to go to jail.

GENE
And you knew this hours ago. You knew I could get the money all this time and you
Iet me go through this? Why? Why did you do it, Heleh?
 SeTURDAY Nrcrr -95-
HELEN
-
I just thought if you got out of this scrape so easily you'd just go on there wouldn't
be u.y hope you'd ever grow up. When Mr. Fletcher called, they'd just taken Pinhead
off so I said, dammit I won't tell him yet. Let him get Pinhead out. Let him do one
decent thing on his own hook. Just once, he's got to learn. What I didn't know was
that it would be worse for me than for you.

GENE
Soon as my father gets back we're going to get ma:ried.

HELEN
One thing I insist on. I don't want you working on WaIl Street. Those elevator boys
are a bad influence on you.

GENE
I've got to have soine job. Chickens?

HELEN
Chickens.

GENE
Where are we going to live?

HELEN
We have a choice. Your house or my house.

GENE
Either.

HELEN
Therdll be no Matisse. No egg and dart moulding. fust Brooklyn-

GENE
ONCE T HATED THIS CITY,
NOW IT CAN'T GET ME DOWN.
SLUSHY, HUMID AND GRITTY,
WHAT A PRETTY TOWN!

Wruff, THOUGHT I, COULD BE DULLER,

MORE DEPRESSING, LESS GAY?
NOW MY FAVORITE COLOR IS GRAY!
-96- SaTuRDAY Nrcrr

(GENE)
A WALL OF RAIN AS TT TI.JRNS TO SLEET,
THE LACK OF SUN ON A ONE-WAY STREET;
I LOVE THE GRIME ALL THE TIME,
AND WHAT MORE DO I NEED?

MY WINDOW PANE HAS A LOVELY VIEW:

AN INCH OF SKY AND A FLY OR TWO.
WHY, I CAN SEE HALF A TREE,
AND WHAT MORE DO I NEED?

HELEN
THE DUST IS THICK AND IT'S GALLING,
IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE EXCUSED.
IN WINTE& EVEN THE FALLING SNOW L@KS USED.

GENE
MY WINDOW PANE MAY NOT GIVE MUCH LIGI{I,
BUT I SEE YOU, SO THE VIEW IS BRTGHT'
IF I CAN LOVE YOU,
I'LLPAYTHE DIRT NO HEED!
WTTH YOUR LOVE,
WHAT MORE DO I NEED?

HELEN
Whafs my name?
GENE
Helen.

HELEN
What's that?
GENE
Atie.
HELEN
What's playing at the Midwood?
GENE
Amovie.
 S,TTURDTY NTG.HT

BOBBY

SOMEONE'S SHOUTING FOR QUIET.

FLORENCE

SOMEONE'S STARTING A BRAWL.

RAY, DINO, TED, ARTIE

DOWN THE BLOCKTHERE'SARIOT -
HETEN
AND I'LL BUY IT ALL!

CELESTE
LISTEN NOW, I'M ECSTATIC.

HANK
HOLD ME CLOSEAND KEEPSTILL.

MILDRED
HEAR THE IOVELY PNEUMATIC DRILL!

GENE
THE BRONX'
A SUBWAY TRAIN THUNDERS THROUGH

HELEN
A TAXI HORN ON T}IE CORNER HONKS'

GENE, HELEN
BUT I ADORE EVERY ROA&
AND WHAT MORE E'O I NEED?
HELEN
REPAIRS'
I HEAR A CRANE MAKING STREET

GENE
IIPSTAIR9'
A TWO.TON CHILD RI]NNTNG WILD

HELEN
STEAM PIPES BANG -
GENE
SIRENSCLANG -
)L,4 LI
St,ruRDAY Nrcrr
HELEN, GENE
AND WHAT MORE DO I NEED?

CLUNE
THE NEIGHBORS YELL TN THE SUMMER.

LIEUTENANT
THE LANDLORD YELIS IN THE FALL.

CLUNE, LIEUTENANT
SO LOUD YOU CAN'T HEAR
THE PLUMBER POI.IND THE WALL!

HELEN, GENE
AN AEROPLANE ROARS ACROSS THE BAY
BUT I CAN HEAR YOU AS CLEAR AS DAY.
YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME
ABOVE THE SOT'ND AND SPEED!
WITH YOUR LOVE, WHAT MORE DO I NEED?

HELEN
Let's go home.

GENE
Aren't you forgetting something? Pinhead.
TED
I don t care if you go in, I iust don't want Pinhead to come out!
ARTIE
fuave him in.Ifls only until a judge can spring him on Monday morning.

GENE
If anyone's going to spend a day hiail, it should be me. Ok"y.

DINO
Don't worry, Gene, it won't be so bad -
FLORENCE
Good lucktoya.
 TURDAy Nrcrr

ARTTE
We'll have food sent in.

TED
Ray'll run out in the and buy you a radio.

GENE
Thanks, Ray.

RAY
What?

BOBBY .ll
. .it

Good lucl Gene. ri;

:.:.

. MIDRED
Be strong.

CELESTE
Don't for get to write.
- HANK
We're proud of you.

LIEUTENANT
Eugene Goulding Gorman - the Thfud?

LIEUTENANT, CLUNE
Ah, forget about it

ALL
IF THE FEELING'S MUTUAL
THEN THE FUTURE WILL
BURST INTO SONG
AND IT'S ONE WONDERFUL DAY
ONE MARVELOUS DAY
ONE BEAUTIFULDAY
ONE GLORIOUS DAY
ONE WONDERFUL DAYALLYEAR LONG!
THE END