THE DECISIONS YOU TAKE FOR LOVE

"Love can sometimes be difficult, but choose the one who will always
choose to stay."

I am Soleil but just call me Leil, the life that my mother and I have in
province was never easy, we both need to try much harder each day to
survive. Back when I was still six years old, my drunkard father left us for his
bad habits and new family, my mom was beyond devasted that time,
because throughout our life, we made my father our anchor, and now with
everything that just happened, we can't seem to find our way back to life
again. Well that was at first, because it was really, really hard to start all
over again without him by our side but then, thank God we have been able
to make it. My mom take two jobs at a time in able to provide for our daily
needs, and as time passes us by, I choose to stick in my mind to do
everything, to save us from this cruelty life has given us. And as I enter
highschool I was really thankful to learn a lot of things, because those things
helped me to be more persistent in being successful someday.
"Hi Leil, how was your first day in highschool?" Jaxon, my friend who was
always there for me eventhrough the depths of hell that I've been through,
he never once left me and my mom. I was very happy to be able to have him
here in the new chapter of my life. I purposely study here to be with him
more. He was kinda ahead of me by two years but well it doesn't matter to
me anyway.
"It was fun, I get to know more people and new things but oh can we go
now?" Jaxon just nod his head off and continue to walk with me going to the
exit gate. We got home just in time, I did my household chores, then did my
assignments before going to sleep, but then, as I was to close my eyes, I let
myself first be drown to the most wonderful daydream that I always dream,
my most perfect life together with the most precious man in my life, Jaxon.
Days, months and years gone by so quickly and yet nothing seems to
change. All the struggles that me and my mom are conquering just gets
worst. I am now in my last year of highschool and I am afraid, yes afraid and
not happy nor excited, I know that it should be the other way around but
the thought of not being able to graduate because of lack of money terrifies
the hell out of me a lot.
"I am so sorry Leil, I really tried my best, but we really just dont have
enough money for now to pay for your tuition. I am doubting if you can still
attend your graduation. I am really sorry my Leil." Those words from her,
never really seem to leave my mind, that sentence from my mom's mouth
creep me out, and though I feel anxious because of it, I know still that I can't
really do anything about it. No matter how I really want it, in the back of my
mind I started to feel like maybe it wasn't really for me. I go out from our
small house to try to breath some fresh air, to refresh my mind as well from
the crashing of my dreams. I can't believe that after all the sweat and
hardwork I've consumed, I still end up being in this kind of situation, the
situation that I really tried hard not to cross to.
"Hey Leil, what's wrong?" Just as my thoughts gets deeper and deeper I was
interrupted by a voice , a voice that even in the midst of chaos, I can still be
able to recognize.
"I don't know what to do or feel anymore Jax, my life is so messed up!!!" I
say as loud as I wasn't intend to, and just as I try not to even cry, my tears
started to fall rapidly from my eyes that I can't able to stop it already. A
warm hug suddenly made it's way to my freezing heart and mind. I can't still
seem to condemn all the things that just happened but Jax just being here
makes all these mess vanished within seconds. After I composed myself, I let
seconds pass us by first before trying to get off from his tight hug, I want to
feel his presence and maybe let myself think that he loves me too even just
for a little period of time.
"I'm fine now Jax, thank you for being here with me as always, I really do
appreciate it." I told him together with the most genuine smile that I've got.
"Well Leil, you know it is really nothing, you are very close to me so I will do
everything for you!!" My heart flutters from that statement and I can't help
but to blush. I sometimes wonder if he has feelings for me too? Just like
what I feel for him from the very beginning. But I shake that thought away, I
am already contented of what we have now, eventhough my love for him
cannot be reciprocated but as long as he is just here for me all the time,
anything else wont matter. I would rather endure this one-sided love than
be away from him. I can't stand losing someone again.

I thought it was the end of me, but now after all that happened, I feel so
lucky to be able to surpass it all.
"Congratulations my dear Leil! I am so happy for you!!" My mom give me a
very warm and loving embrace. I can't seem to find any words to describe
how happy I am to graduate and finish highschool. Yes you read it right, I
have been able to finish highschool, just when I thought I lost it all, here I
am, beyond bless to have my diploma. I dont really know what happened,
but I just woke up one morning just before our last week of graduation
practice that someone helped me and pay for my tuition. My mother refuse
to tell who that was but whoever he or she is I will be forever grateful for his
or her presence that brought me here. Though it was sad to know that I
can't make it to college it was already an accomplishment for me to
graduate from highschool and I dont want to expect more knowing how
difficult our life is. I found a job at a parlor and I dont know what's gotten
into me to enter this kind of job, but well as long as I can help my mother I
will gladly do it. The gays here in our parlor are so fond of me also, and that
is also why my job here seems to be a lot easier, it makes me love it more.
"Leil I have a nice job to offer to you, it can pay you a lot and way more than
what you can have here." Josh exclaims as I enter the parlor, the excitement
in his eyes as he told me that job pokes my interest.
"Oh what is it?"
"Well I dont really think if you will want it but it can really help you and your
mother especially now that she needs to be treated." My heart sank as he
mentioned my mom's situation. She is very ill now and we badly need a lot
of money to sustain for her medicine and stuffs. After Josh told me every
single detail of that job, I've realize that he is right, it is not the kind of job I
will take. I was disappointed because I really thought it was really it, after
how many hours of working, I got home still thinking of the job Josh told me,
I cant get rid of it out of my mind. As I open the door, my mom's pale body
welcomes me, I cant seem to move as I watch her body in the cold floor of
our house, but because of adrenaline rush I've got able to call some help
and bring her to the hospital. The doctor said that she really needs an
operation in order to live longer and I dont really know what to do anymore.
I met Brandon in the restaurant which is located in the town. He was a
soldier in the United States of America, well he is handsome and all but my
heart always seem to belong to my one and only Jaxon which is studying in
the city. Jaxon's family is not that well off but they are not as poor as we are
also. He is studying his last year in college taking up engineering. I am really
happy that he continues to pursue his dreams and passion, I hope someday
when he already achieves it all he would still come back to me, but who am I
kidding right? He doesnt even love me but even with that fact, my heart
cant still stop loving him.
"Leil, are you still with me?" I was brought back to reality by Brandon's dark
voice. "Ah, yes I am, what is it again?" Brandon continues to tell me about
his plan of bringing me to America. The job Josh is referring to, is being with
what we call kano, marry them and be with them for the rest of their life,
and by that you can earn money. It was against my will because I know in
myself that no matter how difficult life may be, there is only one man whom
I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I cant just abandon my mom.
She needs me and loves me more than I to Jaxon. And so, I take the most
heartbreaking decision of my life, I left everything to go to America in order
to save my mom.
"Leil is it true that you are marrying someone?" Jaxon voice seems so sad
but I guess it was all just my imagination
"Yes Jax, I have to marry him."
"What?!.. why?" Jaxon's puzzled face turns to me and I was left off guard.
"Because I really have to Jax, this is the only way I could save my mom" My
eyes started to get blur because of the upcoming tears.
"You shouldn't marry someone just because you have to Leil, you have to
marry someone whom you really love." I was stunned by his words and left
with just,
"I know but I cant marry the one whom I love, he doesnt love me the way I
do." I look directly into his soulful eyes, in hopes that may be he can sense
what I'm trying to say but he just take his turn and left me dumbfounded.
That was the last time I saw Jaxon, I never once see him even before I left
for America. My first days in America was opposite to what I thought it
would be. Brandon was such a nice guy, very different from what I pictured
him to be. He never lets me get sad and always entertains me with his crazy
jokes. He adjust so much to be able to cope up with me. I know right then
that I was very lucky to be chosen for him. Bradon was very picky as what
Josh told me. I am already the 15th women that was introduced to him and
just when they thought nothing will beat his taste, here I am. One time I
crave for filipino foods like daing, sardinas and everything that connects to
Philippines, I didnt expect that he would go to a filipino shop just to grab me
some of the foods that I crave, I was really happy. Whenever I cry because of
being homesick he never fails to dry those tears away and let me laugh very
hard that I will be able to forget all the things that bothers me. He was also
very caring to my mom, after a week together with him, he already
contacted someone to take care of my mother there in our province. He
managed my mom's operation and health and do everything to make her
healthier than ever. With those amazing things that he has done for me, I
cant still believe how I was able to do terrible things to him. One night I
contacted my mother to check on her and she accidentally mention about
Jaxon, it's been awhile since I heard something about him and out of
loneliness I asks my mother for his number and contacted him.
"Hello, who's this?"
"Uhmm... hi Jaxon its me Leil."
"Leil?! as in Soleil? is this really you? How are you?"
"I'm fine here Jax, how about you?" We just talk and talk for hours that I
almost forgot about everything that just happened. His impact to me didn't
even change even just one bit. I miss him more than anything that's in our
province. I wish I could go back there when everything is settled and be able
to settle down with him.
I know that what I'm doing is already consisdered as cheating but I cant
seem to stop, I let my heart be selfish for once and just follow where my
happiness is.
"I love you Leil please come back here already, with me." Jaxon's voice is full
of plea and I cant help I know that what I'm doing is already consisdered as
cheating but I cant seem to but to wish I could teleport so that I could go
back there immediately.
"I will soon Jax just give me sometime, I still dont know how to tell Brandon
about this." Jaxon and I are already in a relationship. After how many years
of waiting, he finally confessed his feelings for me. I feel like I was in
cloudnine because of too much happiness, but still my guilt for Brandon is
beyond any happiness that I feel also. I know I'm such an idiot. How can I do
it to the only man who save me from my chaotic life? But I dont know
anymore, I still end up choosing my selfishness.
"Leil is there any problem? Why are you so distant to me? Did I do
something wrong?" I know what I'm doing to Bradon is not fair and so I plan
to tell him as soon as possible.
"Leil be with me tomorrow, I will show you something." Morning came and I
dress up casually and go with Brandon. I dont know where is this place, but
hey, it was a really magnificent place. It was such a quiet and peaceful place,
a perfect place to think about everything that I did. "Come I will tour you
around, Im sorry I was very busy this past few weeks that I wasn't able to be
with you all the time. I promise I will make it up to you." I just listen to him
as he says everything that comes to his mind. I laugh when he does his usual
crazy jokes and smiles when he says something sweet. I enjoyed everything
and like he always does to my system, I have forgotten all the things that
messes up my mind lately. I almost forgot that I need to tell him something,
and just when I was about to tell him, he suddenly kneeled down in front of
me and opened a tiny box. My eyeballs almost popped out of my eyes
because of too much shocked. What is he doinggg?!
"Leil, I know that you love someone else and I cant seem to beat him to you,
but Leil I will promise to give you the world as you deserves it. I will love you
no matter what life may bring us. I will cherish you more than anything in
this world, please allow me to be with you for the rest of your life." I just
stand like a statue, no words came out from my mouth. I know that I love
Jaxon more than anything and I should reject this proposal but a part of me
cant just do it and so I was left with silence.
 "Did I surprise you too much Leil? Is it still so early to do this? Im sorry Leil I
dont intend to shock you like this but I dont want to marry you without even
proposing to you. I wont let you feel less important, but if you cant still
decide I will accept your decision, just think it over again and tell me when
you're already ready. I love you Leil."

It's been a week since the day Brandon proposed to me and I cant still
decide on what to do about it. It is just so confusing, I didn't contact Jaxon
anymore also after what happened. I realized it was both unfair to them and
I cant keep it going.Whenever I call my mother to check on her, Jaxon
always try to talk to me also but I want to be firm and choose wisely on what
choice to take.
"Leil, I know you are confused but remember that no matter what your
decision is, I will always choose to accept it and respect it in the best way I
can, because that's how much I love you, just please choose what makes you
happy and even if that's him I will support you." Brandon left me in the
bedroom with a small envelope, I opened it quietly and was shocked to
found a plane ticket going back to the Philippines. The flight schedule was
tomorrow at eleven AM, same day and time with our wedding ceremony.
Now I really dont know what to do, I fell asleep thinking about the best
decision to take. And as I woke up in the morning I felt relief to have the
best decision for me to take. I took a shower and changed to a simple white
dress. With the tickets in my hand, I'm now ready to take off and be with
the man whom I truly love.

I can now hear the noises from the church, there are alot of people and yet I
was only drown to the eyes of the man whom I truly love and genuinely love
me also. I've come to realize of how foolish I am to let myself think that it is
still Jaxon whom I love when in fact it was all just because of what I thought
it is. This man loves me more than anything he has, his love is so pure that
even if it means leaving him, he will still try to understand and accept my
decision. I was very stupid to not even realize that he is the one who's been
there for me, he is my saving grace, my Brandon. And now after realizing
everything, I just cant seem to give this man up. Brandon is standing near
the altar with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, and with sparkling
eyes that shows how much he truly loves me. I am now ready to be with him
for the rest of my life. I know that I was beyond stupid to do it to him and I
regret it big time now, I can only make it up to him by taking his offer to me,
but still I'm thankful that I did it, because if not I wouldn't realize how inlove
I am to him and as well as him to me. Everything happens for a reason
indeed and no matter what is it you must always be prepared for it. Love is
full of random decisions to take and remember that there is no right or
wrong decision, it will only be right or wrong if you sees it as one. No matter
how it turned out to be, just remember that once in your life that decision
was what made you happy. Do not regret anything . And lastly do not be
deceive by your mind, cause sometimes you just need to listen to your heart
in order to achieve real happiness that no one can take away from you.