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Season I Creed Thoughts #08, July 05, 01:58 PM
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01. Pilot Creed Thoughts #10, July 19, 08:33 PM
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Creed Thoughts #22, October 11, 04:25 PM
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Creed Thoughts #23, October 18, 01:29 PM
Customer Creed Thoughts #24, October 25, 02:05 PM
Satisfaction
May 17, 06:20 PM

Hey-o, everyone out there in SyberWorld. It’s old Creed

Bratton coming at your again, here from my perch as a
Quality Assurance Manager at Dunder Mifflin paper. Just
a few observations on the world around me.

What do you guys think is the best kind of car? To me,

By J.D. Power you can’t beat motorcycles. They’re small, and
and Our
dangerous.
Customers

Learn More I got into a car accident yesterday and I just took off. It
didn’t look too bad. The guy was making a big deal out of
Restrictions apply.
it, but come on – dogs don’t live forever.

Season II
Sometimes when I’m sick, or feeling blue, I drink vinegar.
01. The Dundies I like all kinds: balsamic, vodka, orange juice, leaves.
02. Sexual Harassment
03. Office Olympics Working in an office is fine, but I’d rather be a millionaire.
04. The Fire [Elaborate on this. It’s interesting. Maybe Trademark it,
05. Halloween too.]
06. The Fight OfficeQu…
4.2K likes
07. The Client Today in my office where I work as Director of Quality
08. Performance Review Assurance, we went to the beach for some reason that
09. E-mail Surveillance was never adequately explained. When we were there,
Like Page
10. Christmas Party our manager told us to eat hot coals. I thought that was a
11. Booze Cruise little bit untoward so I ate a fish. Then a woman I have Be the first of your friends to
12. The Injury literally never seen before in my entire life started talking like this
13. The Secret very loudly about something involving Halpert. She was
14. The Carpet agitated, I’d say. From what I could guess, she was
15. Boys and Girls definitely on drugs of some kind, perhaps cocaine, or
16. Valentine’s Day maybe ‘drines. Also, she is a knock-out. She reminds me
17. Dwight’s Speech of a young Daphne Du Maurier. Also, I stupidly ate the
18. Take Your Daughter to fishbones. I told myself “never again” after the last time,
Work Day but then you turn around, and bam, they’re in my mouth.
19. Michael’s Birthday I also ate 55 hot dogs in 15 minutes, which is a world
20. Drug Testing record. OfficeQuotes.net
21. Conflict Resolution about a year ago
22. Casino Night
Everybody remembers: “April showers bring May One day, Michael. One

Season III flowers.” But no one remembers how the rest of that day.
goes. Which I find so frustrating.
66 6 11
01. Gay Witch Hunt
02. The Convention Prediction: the Orioles will win the World Series over the
03. The Coup Pirates in seven games.
04. Grief Counseling
05. Initiation
Prediction: the space program will be renamed the Outer
06. Diwali
Space Program by 2060.
07. Branch Closing
08. The Merger
Prediction: someday we will be able to travel faster than
09. The Convict
sound. We will “break the sound barrier.”
10. A Benihana Christmas
11. Back From Vacation
12. Traveling Salesmen Prediction: [note – need more predictions.]
13. The Return
14. Ben Franklin Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 26-32-20.
15. Phyllis’ Wedding
16. Business School Creed Thoughts #2
17. Cocktails May 24, 10:45 PM
18. The Negotiation
19. Safety Training The worst part about Raisin Bran is the bran. Hands
20. Product Recall down.
21. Women’s Appreciation
22. Beach Games I saw a man fishing bottles out of a garbage can
23. The Job yesterday and it reminded me of a funny story.

Season IV
I don’t like hockey. They should get rid of the pucks and
01. Fun Run put those shoe blades on their sticks – then you’d have a
02. Dunder Mifflin Infinity game on your hands.
03. Launch Party
04. Money To be a good pick pocket, you’ve got to look like a regular
05. Local Ad Joe. Don’t dress up in fancy colors or jewelry. That’s
06. Branch Wars where the Gypsies have it wrong. Pair of slacks, t-shirt,
07. Survivor Man hat – that’s all you need. And it helps to have tiny hands,
08. The Deposition too.
09. Dinner Party
10. Chair Model I’ve had enough of this LBJ character.
11. Night Out
12. Did I Stutter? If I had to pick between a chimp and a spider, I’d take the
13. Job Fair chimp. Harder to forget where you left it.
14. Goodbye Toby

Season V Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 26-22-30.

01. Weight Loss Creed Thoughts #3

02. Business Ethics May 31, 06:06 PM
03. Baby Shower
04. Crime Aid Where’s Thousand Island? I’ve got some vacation time
05. Employee Transfer saved up and it sounds like a delicious place to visit.
06. Customer Survey
07. Business Trip Root beer floats. It does. I’ve tested it.
08. Frame Toby
09. The Surplus There’s a fat man that sits by me. He has some sort of jar
10. Moroccan Christmas of multi-colored power beans. I need those beans, man.
11. The Duel
12. Prince Family Paper
The last thing I want to deal with at work is people.
13. Stress Relief
14. Lecture Circuit 1
I’m thinking about buying a horse. Great for
15. Lecture Circuit 2
transportation and once you’re done with it, you’ve got
16. Blood Drive
about seven days worth of meals.
17. Golden Ticket
18. New Boss
19. Two Weeks Never trust mailmen.
20. Dream Team
21. Michael Scott Paper Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 20-22-36.
Company
22. Heavy Competition Creed Thoughts #4
23. Broke June 07, 07:39 PM
24. Casual Friday
25. Cafe Disco Boxers or thiefs? Who wants to know?
26. Company Picnic
This might not be “Peacie,” but I think we should
Season VI segregate the ghost population from the living.
Thoughts?
01. Gossip
02. The Meeting
03. The Promotion I’d chew ice cubes all day if they weren’t so sharp.
04. Niagara
05. Mafia If you want to be a good hitchhiker, you’ve got to think
06. The Lover outside of the thumb. Don’t just stand there when you
07. Koi Pond could be dancing.
08. Double Date
09. Murder Types of girls I like: Brazilian, Ukrainian, South African,
10. Shareholder Meeting Canadian [the further North, the better], short,
11. Scott’s Tots Wisconsin.
12. Secret Santa
13. The Banker You’d be surprised to know how many passports I’ve got.
14. Sabre
15. Manager and
Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 23-20-26
Salesman
16. The Delivery Creed Thoughts #5
17. St. Patrick’s Day June 14, 01:43 PM
18. New Leads
19. Happy Hour Winning is everything when it comes to Russian Roulette.
20. Secretary’s Day
21. Body Language
I tore my rotator cuff. I always hated that thing.
22. The Cover-Up
23. The Chump
Screw parasailing, man. Make the handicapped sail like
24. Whistleblower
the rest of us.
Season VII
I’m really bad at remembering birthdays. I think mine’s in
01. Nepotism
June, but who knows?
02. Counseling
03. Andy’s Play
I’ll take the moon over the sun any day of the week.
04. Sex Ed
05. The Sting
06. Costume Contest Man, what ever happened to Zaire? That place was
07. Christening crazy!
08. Viewing Party
09. WUPHF.com Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 23-26-30
10. China
11. Classy Christmas Creed Thoughts #6
12. Ultimatum June 21, 01:39 PM
13. The Seminar
14. The Search I turn all kinds of things into pies.
15. PDA
16. Threat Level Midnight Who hasn’t lived in a cave at one point or another? That’s
17. Todd Packer what they’re for.
18. Garage Sale
19. Trainin Day You say diabetes, I say diabetos.
20. Michael’s Last
Dundies Give me a mug and some beans and I’ll find a way to
21. Goodbye Michael make your damn coffee.
22. The Inner Circle
23. Dwight K. Schrute,
Every time I step on a nail, I thank my shoes for doing
(Acting) Manager
their job the best they could.
24. Search Committee

Season VIII I’d grow a beard but I don’t have the time.

01. The List

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 33-26-30
02. The Incentive
03. Lotto Creed Thoughts #7
04. Garden Party June 28, 01:04 PM
05. Spooked
06. Doomsday Who decided that pigs are for eating but rats get a free
07. Pam’s Replacement ride?
08. Gettysburg
09. Mrs. California
I’d play the lottery if they let me pick the balls.
10. Christmas Wishes
11. Trivia
Television hasn’t been good since “The Goldbergs.”
12. Pool Party
13. Jury Duty
14. Special Project I’ve played Monopoly in real life and bankruptcy is a lot
15. Tallahasse harder to get out of than the game makes it seem.
16. After Hours
17. Test the Store Music really makes me want to sing, man.
18. Last Day In Florida
19. Get The Girl They should rename the Virgin Islands. That was an
20. Welcome Party expensive mistake.
21. Angry Andy
22. Fundraiser Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 36-22-62
23. Turf War
24. Free Family Portrait Creed Thoughts #8
Studio July 05, 01:58 PM

Season IX
Toes are a luxury, not a right.
01. New Guys
02. Roy’s Wedding I fought in the Korean War. For both sides.
03. Andy’s Ancestry
04. Work Bus If you ask me, the quick money’s in billiards.
05. Here Comes Treble
06. The Boat I love the smell of gasoline right after you light it on fire.
07. The Whale
08. The Target
Restaurants were created to take advantage of the lazy. If
09. Dwight Christmas
you’ve got a forest and a lighter, you’ve got dinner.
10. Lice
11. Suit Warehouse
I like my women LOUD.
12. Customer Loyalty
13. Junior Salesman
14. Vandalism Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 3-22-26
15. Couples Discount
Creed Thoughts #9
16. Moving On
July 12, 01:12 PM
17. The Farm
18. Promos
Visors are hats for people that like getting ripped off.
19. Stairmageddon
20. Paper Airplane
21. Livin’ The Dream Here’s the thing about handcuffs: there’s only one key for
22. A.A.R.M all of them. It’s not like the Tampa cops have their own
23. Finale special key and the Saskatchewan Mounties have a
different one. They’re all the same. So the one true goal
Other in any criminal’s life is to get a copy of the handcuff key.
I’ve got thirty. If you want to buy one, you know where to
Webisodes – The
find me.
Accountants
Webisodes – Kevin’s Loan
What ever happened to free love, man? Now I’m paying
Webisodes – Subtle
ten, fifteen dollars for it.
Sexuality
Webisodes – The 3rd
floor My favorite part of the newspaper is the fun little stories
Creed Thoughts about the dead people and their relatives.
Schrute Space
Do you remember where I parked my van?

A pinky’s always a pinky, but a pointer and a ring finger

are pretty interchangeable if you need them to be.

There’s nothing better than a wishing fountain. Go ahead,

idiots, keep throwing your cash away. Old Creed will
make those wishes come true.

I’ve got an idea.

About thirty years ago, I fell in love with a blond woman.

She wore vests and skirts and had flowers in her hair. I
think her name was Nancy. If you’re out there, Nancy, I’m
not mad at you anymore. You can keep the hundred
bucks you stole. I just want you back. And my birth
certificate.

Books are great when you can’t find a pillow.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 2-33-26

Creed Thoughts #10

July 19, 08:33 PM

In my younger days, I spent a lot of time sleeping in a lot

of places. Some of those places were bus stations.
Everyone knows that hotels are for suckers, so why pay
for lodging when you can get it for free? The problem is,
there are a lot of crazies out there, so if you’re going to
sleep in the bus station you’ve got to be savvy about it.

First of all, make friends with the night watchman. That’s

the guy that can have the fuzz come and take you away.
Find out what kind of candy he likes and bring him some.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stayed in a station
worry-free because of a few Bit O’Honeys.

Pick up an old bus ticket. That way, if somebody gives

you trouble, you just say you’re waiting for a bus and
show them the ticket. No one ever really bothers to look,
so you should be golden. If they do look, run like hell.

Some idiot security guard comes by and asks why you’re

sleeping on the benches? You’re from the bench
company and you’re testing comfort levels. Be creative.
Whatever you do, don’t say you’re the bus driver. I made
that mistake once in the 60’s and I ended up driving a
busload of people to Jacksonville.

It was a weeklong trip and it was hot as hell. By the third

day, some of the passengers started cooking bacon on
the floor. I couldn’t complain, though, because I was
driving the best smelling bus on the East Coast.

There was a young man sitting in the back of the bus

who claimed to be a magician. Said his name was “The
Great Alamundo.” He went up and down the aisles doing
card tricks for people to pass the time. His deck of cards
only had diamonds and clubs, though. He told me he sold
the spades and hearts a while back for a few packs of
cigarettes. Now that’s a smart magician. When we
stopped in Macon, GA, I bought a new deck of cards for
the guy, but he wouldn’t accept it. Didn’t want to be a
charity case, I guess. His loss.

Once the card tricks lost their fun, the passengers

started to get rowdy. I knew I had to keep them occupied
or they were going to revolt. Long story short, I got
everyone singing Johnny Mathis songs and the mood
changed in a hurry. By the time we got to Jacksonville, I
could hardly pry those people out of their seats. I ended
up selling the bus for $400 and living in Florida for eight
months. All in all, it was a pretty good trip.

Creed Thoughts #11

July 26, 02:11 PM

So I’ve been thinking about running for Governor.

There’re a lot of things wrong with Pennsylvania and
since nobody’s answering my letters over at the
Governor’s Office in Philadelphia, I think it’s time to take
matters into my own hands. I know what you’re thinking
and yes, they are wrinkled, but they’re still strong.

Number One on my list of changes: Pennsylvania should

change its name to Transylvania. Lots of idiots buy all
kinds of vampire rings and vampire necklaces and garlic-
flavored vampire gum. There’s a lot of dough to be made
from these suckers and I’m tired of seeing it go to
foreigners. If we change the name of the state, we can
probably do away with property tax considering the
amount of souvenirs we’re going to sell. Also, vampire
fans are notoriously good tippers.

Number Two: Cops’ uniforms should be neon yellow. The

get-ups they wear now make it too hard to see them
coming at night and I’m tired of those jerks sneaking up
on me. If I’m elected Governor, I want to make sure that
people know where cops are at all times.

Number Three: Soup kitchens have to offer more variety.

From what I’ve heard, they serve the same soup two,
three times a week. People really get sick of mushroom
barley all the time, you know?

Number Three and a Half: Mushroom Barley soup will be

illegal across the state. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s
going to miss it.

Number Four: Increase funding to all public schools.

Number Five: I will institute a database with pictures of

every resident in the state naked. Every five years, a
citizen can request to view any one person’s naked
picture for a viewing period of ten minutes. After they’ve
used up their viewing, they have to wait another five
years until they can view another. It’s just not fair for all
these foxy ladies to be walking around without anyone
being able to see them naked. This is going to be the
cornerstone of my campaign.

I’ve got a lot more ideas for making this state the best in
the country and if you vote for me, I promise to listen to
everything you have to say. Now, I know I haven’t voted
for the past fifty years, but I think that’s going to give me
a real leg up on the competition because they can’t
attack me for my voting record. Stick with me and we’ll
make some real changes to this stupid square state.

Vote Creed for Governor: “The Guy Who’s Going to Make

You Rich Off of People Who Believe in Vampires!”

Creed Thoughts #12

August 02, 01:16 PM

Fall is just around the corner and you know what that
means: Crab Apple Season. I’m getting hungry just
thinking about them. These little buggers pop up all over
the place and nobody wants them because people are
idiots. As a result, they’re absolutely free, which is my
favorite price of all.

Crab apples have a whole stinkload of benefits. Back

when I was little, my grandpa used to stick a crab apple
in my mouth every time I stuttered. And guess what? I
don’t stutter anymore. Crap apples are tiny miracles.

Anyway, farmers usually get mad when I help myself to

their apples but when I’m picking up crab apples, I’m a
real American hero to them. Also, crab apples are an
instant cure for cancer. Plus, crab apples are useful in all
situations. You can use them in jelly or applesauce or one
time I cut myself real bad trying to get over some razor
wire. Took out a crab apple, sliced it in half, rubbed it on
my wounds and a few minutes later I was better than
new. Ended up getting a pretty nice TV out of that night,
too.

I can’t think of anything else in my life that I look forward

to more than Crab Apple Season. Maybe 4th of July, but
that’s just because I know when everyone’s going to be
out of their houses watching fireworks. If you’re looking
for a free nutritious food that’s available without dealing
with the jerks at the grocery store, you really can’t beat
crab apples. Stay away from Scranton, though, because
those crabbies belong to me.

Side Note: Crab apples have nothing to do with real

crabs. I don’t want to get into some kind of lawsuit
because you made an idiotic assumption, so I’m setting
the record straight right now. Crab apples contain no
actual crabmeat. There you go.

Creed Thoughts #13

August 09, 11:53 AM

I have this computer at home. A friend needed to get rid

of it fast and he needed a vacuum, so I traded him.
Anyway, I don’t even use it that much. Sometimes if I’m
going to a coffee shop to look at women, I’ll bring it with
me to look busy, but that’s about all.

The other day, I overheard some dudes at work – the

fatso and the fruit – and they were talking about some
internet video of water buffaloes fighting lions. I don’t
know about you, but that’s the kind of thing I can build a
whole night around. I stopped at the supermarket on the
way home and picked up some things to get me in the
mood: Buffalo jerky, buffalo wings, Frosted Flakes, some
cupcakes, and a bottle of white wine. (Side note: I
couldn’t find any lion-related items at the store, so I
settled for the Flakes because of the Tiger. It was the
best I could do.) When I got home, I was really jazzed for
a good old-fashioned jungle fight. I turned on my
computer and boom – nothing happened. Just a weird
clucking noise and a black screen, so I did what anybody
would do. I punched my computer and then I called tech
support.

This Indian dude takes my name, my phone number, and

my email address. I gave him some fakes. I have enough
problems in India without the cops finding out where I
live. Then he wants me to tell him the problem with the
computer. “The damn thing don’t work!” I say. He says
“Okay, Sir, it would be my pleasure to assist you with that
today.” I’m thinking, it would be my pleasure to stick your
ass on top of the Taj Mahal, but I don’t say it because I’m
smart. You catch more flies with really friendly decoy
flies, that’s what I always say.

So I let this guy tell me what he thinks is wrong and then

he asks for the serial number. I give that to him, too, and
then he tells me I don’t have a warranty anymore. I’ve
been on the phone for ten minutes already and now he
tells me he can’t help me because of some stupid
warranty. I’m ready to kill this guy, but I play nice and
then the guy tells me he can help, but it’s going to cost
me fifty bucks. Fifty bucks? If I’m paying you fifty bucks
to fix a computer, (a) you’re going to do it naked and (b)
you’re going to cook me dinner. Well, you can’t do either
if you’re halfway around the globe so I hung up on that
idiot.

Long story short, I got rid of the laptop right away. Did
what I always do with broken gizmos: Threw it into the
dumpster and filed a police report saying somebody stole
it. Next time somebody turns in a lost laptop to the fuzz,
I’m going to have myself a new computer. It just goes to
show you: you can screw with Old Creed all you want, but
in the end he’s always going to win.

p.s. If I ever find you, “Franklin,” I’m going to take you out
Tamil Tiger style and I never forget a voice, even when
you’re talking in a fake American accent.

Creed Thoughts #14

August 16, 01:17 PM

I’m a romantic guy. Always have been. Fell in love for the
first time in the fourth grade with the Truancy Officer.
Ever since then, I’ve had a thing for women with badges.
Cops, security officers, DEA — doesn’t matter to me.
They’re all foxy.

Love is tricky. It makes you do crazy things. Back in ’73, I

got into a love triangle. Love pyramid, really. Put $6,000
into a cigarette resale venture and just waited for the
dough to start pouring in. It never did. Lost my savings
for a shot with the DePalma sisters, but it was worth it.
I’ve still got some old smokes sitting in a storage shed up
in Delaware. It’s my little reminder of the price of love.

If I ever wanted to get married again, I’d go for height

over substance. Pretty wives are good for taking to
buffets, but tall wives get you noticed. Wealthy’s also a
good quality to find in a lady. I’ve got to find me a rich,
tall broad. That’ll keep me happy.

There’s one lady who might fit the bill and her name is
Louise. She works as a toll collector at the Wilkes-Barre
exit on the Pike. Lou’s a big woman, really fills out her
uniform and I like it. I’m going to show up at her tollbooth
next weekend wearing my lucky socks and my sex pants.
Then I’m going to read her a poem I’ve been working on,
in the style of my man Willy Carlos Williams. After that, I’ll
spray paint all the windows in her booth black and show
her why they call me “The Guiding Principle.” It’s going to
be smooth. Don’t know if she’s rich, but she definitely
has access to a lot of change and that’s good enough for
me.

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There’re only six things you need if you want to snag a

good woman: A guitar, chicken, wine, a car, running
water, and some permanent markers. If you don’t have a
guitar, a lute will do. You get those six things and you’re
Don Juan, trust me.

Creed Thoughts #15

August 23, 05:10 PM

I’m a big fan of snacks. Meals are great, too, but who has
time to sit down and eat a whole ham these days? That’s
why I get most of my chow from the Vending Machines.
Fills me up and it doesn’t empty my wallet. I don’t get
why it’s just food in there, though. Why can’t they throw
a pair of briefs in the machine for a buck? Sometimes
mine break down and I don’t have next month’s pair with
me, so vending machine skivvies would be the perfect
replacement.

Here’s what I know: People buy a lot of stuff from

vending machines. Also, I know a lot of people who are
really into misdemeanor crimes. Makes them feel alive.
So I want to make a special line of vending machine
snacks based on people’s favorite crimes. They’d be
delicious, exciting, and fun for kids.

First on the list: Safecracker Crackers. Perfect for the guy

who likes to break into safes, but gets hungry after all
that work. They’d be crackers shaped like little safes with
a tiny, spicy combo lock in the middle. Who wouldn’t buy
that? Or steal it.

Next up: Larceny Bars. The first thing people think when
they steal something is, “Damn, I should have eaten